Paragraph Paragraph RevisionRevision

Personal EssayPersonal Essayby: A. Nonny Mussby: A. Nonny Muss

As I was saying in class, I grew up as a As I was saying in class, I grew up as a child in Canada. Life is different there. My dad child in Canada. Life is different there. My dad got a job and me and my parents’ moved. My got a job and me and my parents’ moved. My neighborhood is dangerous. The reason I neighborhood is dangerous. The reason I believe that crime is a problem in my believe that crime is a problem in my neighborhood is because people get hurt and neighborhood is because people get hurt and things get stolen, the cops don’t do nothing things get stolen, the cops don’t do nothing about it. The fact of the matter is you can’t about it. The fact of the matter is you can’t trust those lazy cops. There all corrupt. trust those lazy cops. There all corrupt.

Crime in my Neighborhood Crime in my Neighborhood

I grew up in a small town in I grew up in a small town in Alberta, a western province of Alberta, a western province of Canada. Two years ago, my father Canada. Two years ago, my father got a job in the Midwest, so my got a job in the Midwest, so my family moved to a suburb west of family moved to a suburb west of Chicago. The neighborhood where I Chicago. The neighborhood where I live now in MyTown, Illinois is very live now in MyTown, Illinois is very different from where I grew up. Here, different from where I grew up. Here, crimes occur more frequently. And crimes occur more frequently. And lately the crimes seem to be getting lately the crimes seem to be getting more serious. more serious.

Crime (continued)Crime (continued)

Some recent crimes are annoying, Some recent crimes are annoying, and others are very frightening. One and others are very frightening. One afternoon last spring, I left my bicycle afternoon last spring, I left my bicycle in our driveway for a few minutes, in our driveway for a few minutes, and it was stolen. Gang graffiti keeps and it was stolen. Gang graffiti keeps appearing on buildings, walls, fences, appearing on buildings, walls, fences, lamp posts, everywhere, despite the lamp posts, everywhere, despite the efforts of home owners and the city’s efforts of home owners and the city’s clean-up crew to get rid of it.clean-up crew to get rid of it.

Crime (continued)Crime (continued)

Local crimes have, in the past few months, Local crimes have, in the past few months, become even more serious. Several houses become even more serious. Several houses on our block have been burglarized. There on our block have been burglarized. There was even a home invasion nearby; though was even a home invasion nearby; though no one was hurt, a young couple was held no one was hurt, a young couple was held at gun point for over an hour. And just at gun point for over an hour. And just yesterday, a man who was walking to the yesterday, a man who was walking to the train at seven in the morning was jumped train at seven in the morning was jumped by several teenagers, robbed, and badly by several teenagers, robbed, and badly beaten up. He’s still in the hospital. beaten up. He’s still in the hospital.

Crime (continued)Crime (continued)

Over the past year, it seems as though Over the past year, it seems as though crime has increased in frequency and crime has increased in frequency and severity, and the criminals have severity, and the criminals have become more daring and more become more daring and more violent. Residents of MyTown are violent. Residents of MyTown are asking the police why the authorities asking the police why the authorities can’t do more to stop the criminals. can’t do more to stop the criminals.

EditingEditing Make paragraphs coherent and use transitions. Sentences Make paragraphs coherent and use transitions. Sentences

should lead the reader logically from one idea to the next. should lead the reader logically from one idea to the next. Keep important points at the beginning and the end. Keep important points at the beginning and the end.

Be sure sentences are complete. Save very short sentences Be sure sentences are complete. Save very short sentences or fragments for emphasis. or fragments for emphasis.

Edit out wordiness: Edit out wordiness: The reason is because….The fact of The reason is because….The fact of the matter is….the matter is….

Use spell check and grammar check but also proofread. Use spell check and grammar check but also proofread. Watch out for lack of punctuation, misused words, Watch out for lack of punctuation, misused words, homonyms.homonyms.

Don’t add punctuation, especially commas or apostrophes, Don’t add punctuation, especially commas or apostrophes, if you don’t know why you are using it.if you don’t know why you are using it. . .. .