OTIS

ScottHildreth

DEDICATIONMyfirstintroductiontoamotorcycleclubwasoveradecadeago.Inashortperiodoftimeridingwiththem,itwasapparentwhymenchosetobecomemembersofsuch

clubs.ThecamaraderiewithintheranksoftheMCwasindescribable.Tocallthemenbrotherswouldbeanunderstatementatbest.

AyoungmanwhowasaProspectfortheclubwasdeniedhispatchwhenhis

probationaryperiodwasover.

Immediatelyfollowingthedenialofhispatch,he

committedsuicideathomeinfrontofhiswife.

Ranger,thisone’sforyou.

AUTHOR’SNOTETHISBOOKISAWORK

OFFICTION.

Allnames,locations,club

names,andincidentsinthisbookareafigmentofthe

author’simagination,andaredepictedinaworkoffictioninallregards.Anylikenesstofactispurecoincidence.Theclubdepictedinthisbook

doesnotexist;itwascreatedforthisbook.Lastly,the

colorsdepictedinthecover

anddescribedinthisbookareacreationofgraphicartistry,andarenotactuallythecolorsforanyMotorcycleClub

knowntoexistbytheauthor.

COPYRIGHT

Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancestoactual

events,locales,orpersonslivingordead,arecoincidental.OTIS1stEditionCopyright©2015byScottHildreth

Allrightsreserved.InaccordancewiththeU.S.CopyrightActof1976,the

scanning,uploading,andelectronicsharingofanypartofthisbookwithoutthepermissionoftheauthororpublisherconstituteunlawfulpiracyandtheftoftheauthor’sintellectualproperty.Ifyouwouldliketousethematerialfromthebook(otherthanforreviewpurposes),

priorwrittenpermissionmustbeobtainedbycontactingtheauthoratdesignconceptswichita@gmail.comThankyouforyoursupportoftheauthor’srights.

CovertartbyJessicawww.creativebookconcepts.wordpress.com

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PROLOGUEAmandressedinadarkbluewell-fittedsuitwalked

methodicallytowardtheedgeoftheconferencetable.AfterexchangingglanceswiththeATFagentsseatedontheoppositesideoftheroom,hehesitated.Asheadjustedhistie,heexhaledanaudiblesigh.FilledwithhatredforallOutlawMotorcycleGangs,hishandsbegantoshake

fromanticipationofthependingarrestshebelievedhisbranchwascertaintomake.Eventually,tostabilizehishandsanddisguisetheshaking,heplacedthemflatonthesurfaceofthetableasheleanedforward.

Afterclearinghisthroat,hespoke.

“SpecialAgentPintler,theGrandJurytestimonyisparamounttotheprosecutionofthiscase.Howmuchadditionaltimeisnecessary?”heasked.

Pintler,dressedinjeans,boots,andaleathervestadornedwithaSelectedSinnerspatch,straightened

hispostureasheraisedhishandstothesidesofhisface.Nowrubbinghistemplesnervouslywiththetipsofhisfingers,heinhaledadeepbreath,sighed,andfixedhisgazeontheDirectorofOperations.

“Afewmoreweeks,amonthatmost,”Pintlersaid

underhisbreathasheloweredhishandstothethighsofhisfadeddenimjeans.

TheDirectorofOperationsreleasedtheedgeofthetablefromhisgraspandtookasteprearward.Clearlyfrustrated,heplacedhishandsintothepocketsof

hisslacks.Ashefumbledtofindhis1yearsobrietycoinhehadrecentlyreceivedfromhisAlcoholicsAnonymousgroup,hebitintohislowerlipslightly.

“IwantthisOMG,theSelectedShitheads-orwhateverthey’recalled-outofthepicture,Pintler.These

sons-of-bitchesareanup-and-cominggroupofoutlawsthatiscertaintobeahugethreatiflefttotheirowndevices.NeedIremindyouofyourresponsibilitynotonlytothebureau,buttothebranch,andtothecitizensoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica?”heaskedashe

nervouslyrubbedthecoinbetweenhisthumbandforefinger.

Pintlerstoodfromhisseatashecontinuedtopressthepalmsofhishandsagainsthisthighs.

“Idon’tneedareminder.I’mwellfuckingawareofmyresponsibilities,

Sir.YouknowaswellasIdo,aswellaseveryoneelseinthisroom,andeveryoneintheGoddamneddivisionforthatfuckingmatter,thatnothavingallofthefactsofthecaseinorderwillleadtoajuryfindinganotguiltyverdict.Hell,ajudgewouldthrowthisfuckingcaseoutof

courtifwetriedtoprosecuteitrightnow.I’mcurrentlyputtingpiecestogetherforthemurderofoneoftheirownbythecurrentSergeant-At-ArmsandthePresident,TodelliandBishop.Ididn’tdirectlywitnessthekilling,buttherehavebeeninferencesmadethatleadmetobelieve…”

Pintlerpausedashetuggedatthebottomofhisleathervest.

Ashereleasedhisvesthecrossedhismassivearmsinfrontofhischestandcontinued.

“ThelocalLEAdeclareditasuicide,butthere’sbeensomediscussionitwastiedtothesaleofthe

firearmstotheHispanicganglistedinmyreportearlierthisspring;AprilorMay,Idon’tremember.Ibelieveitwaspossiblyretaliationforaninsider-aSinner-settinguparobberyduringthesale.”

“ThisfieldinvestigationiscurrentlythelongestinATFhistory,

Pintler.It’sbecomingpainfullyobviousyourmindandjudgementareclouded.You’reactingasifamurderis…”hepausedandshookhisheadashecontinuedtorubhisthumbagainstthecoin.

Thedirectorpulledhishandsfromhispocketsandnarrowedhisgaze,“You’re

actingasifmurderingsomeoneisjustanotherdayinthelifeofagentPintler.You’rebecomingoneofthem.You’vebeeninsidethisgrouptoodamnedlong.I’mafraidyourvisionhasbecomeblurred.YourallegianceandalliancearewiththemenandwomenoftheUnitedStates,

theATF,andtheDepartmentofJustice.Rememberthat.”

ItbotheredPintlerhowthedirectorspokeofthegroupasiftheSelectedSinnersweren’tmembersoftheUnitedStates,butoutsiders.Frustrated,andwithoutconsciouslydecidingtodoso,SpecialAgent

Pintlerbeganwalkingtowardtheexit.Asthedirectorcontinuedtospeak,heslowlywalkedtowardthedoor,uncertainoftheclosingremarksthedirectormade.

AsSpecialAgentPintlerreachedforthedoor,heglancedoverhisshoulder,“Isthatall?”

“Iwantarrests,notexcuses,”thedirectorbarked.

Pintleropenedthedoor,hesitated,andturnedtofacethedirector.Afterstudyinghimforashortmoment,heturnedandwalkedthroughthedoor.Astheresentmentwithinhimmounted,hesilentlywalked

totheelevator,insertedhiskeyintotheswitchlocatedbesidethebuttonpad,andturnedittotherightaquarterofaturn.Hepressedthebuttonleadingtothebasementparkingandstareddownathisboots.Inamatterofthirtyminuteshewasexpectedtobeinattendance

foranemergencymeetingwiththeSelectedSinnersMC.Theridetotheclubhousewouldnormallytakehimforty-fiveminutes.Astheelevatordooropened,hemethodicallycheckedthebasementforanyonlookers.AfteraquicksurveyoftheparkingfloorreservedforUS

MarshalsandATFagentsrevealednothingoutofplace,hesighedandwalkedtohismotorcycle.

Whilethesoundofthemotorcycle’sexhaustechoedthroughtheconcretebasement,SpecialAgentPintlercheckedhiswatch.

Eighteenminutesuntil

twoo’clock.

Ashesqueezedtheclutchleverinhishand,thepitofhisstomachfilledwithworry.IneachandeverymeetingheattendedwiththeSelectedSinnersMC,hewasatrisk.HeknewifthegroupofmeneverdeterminedhewasanAgentwiththeATF,

orevensuspecteditforthatmatter,hewouldbekilled.

Itwasarisk,atleastinitially,hewaswillingtotake.Consideringthetimehehadbeeninthefield,andhisevergrowingunderstandingofthedepthofthebrotherhoodoftheMC,hewasbeginningtosecond

guessifhewouldbeabletotestifyagainstthemenwhohadacceptedhimasabrother.

Pintlerreleasedtheclutchandspedoutoftheparkinggarage.Hismindfilledwithwonderoverwhohisloyaltieswerecurrentlyalignedwith.Overtheyears,

hehadbecometwoseparatepeoplewithtwoclearlydifferentagendas.HewasanagentwiththeATFwhohadtakenavowtoprotecttheUnitedStatesfromcertaintypesofcriminals,andhewasafullypatchedmemberoftheSelectedSinnersMC.Whenpushcametoshove,he

wouldberequiredtotakeastandononesideortheother.

Time,hedecided,wouldtell.Fornowheknew,assoonasherodefromtheconfinesofthegarage,hebecameaSinner.AndaSinnerhewouldremainuntilhereturnedtotheATFoffices.

OTISAxtoncrossedhisarms,flexedhisbiceps,andclenchedhisjawmusclesas

hesurveyedthegroupofmen.Hewasaspredictabletomeasanymancouldbe.Histelltalesignswereclear-atleasttome.Hewasaggravatedwithsomething,andwantedeveryoneinattendancetorealizehislevelofdisgust.Amuchmoreemotionalmanthanme,

Axtonbelievedinthevalueofintimidation.Personally,IwasmorereservedthanmostoftheSelectedSinners,andpreferredtoactoverspeakinginanauthoritativemanner.Tome,Axtonwaseasytoread.Totheothermembersoftheclub,hewasanunpredictableGod.Thefact

hewaspresidentoftheMCelevatedhimbyeveryone’sstandards,andhisintimidatingnatureplacedhimevenhigherintheeyesofsomemen.Istoodquietlywithmyarmscrossedandwaitedforhimtospeak.

“Wellfellas,we’vegotaclearfuckingmesson

ourhands.TheBandidosandtheCossacksareatwar,andtheATFiscomingdownonMC’shardalloverthecountry.Rightnow,they’vegot200meninjailonchargesofconspiracytocommitcapitalmurder,andIsuspectthey’llarrestmanymore.AsI’vesaidoverand

over,”hepaused,uncrossedhisarms,androlledhisshouldersrearward.

“Weneedtokeepourshitwiredtight.Thesesons-of-bitcheswillmakeanyconnectiontheycantotieusupandchargeusundertheRICOact.Aslongaswe’renotdealinginillegalarms,

we’vegotnothingtoworryabout.NowI’mnottryingtogetintoyourbusinessasindividuals,butifyou’vegotillegalfirearmsinyourpersonalarsenal;unregisteredmachineguns,shortbarreledrifles,silencedweapons,sawed-offshotguns,orfuckingrocketpropelled

grenades,leavethosefuckersathome.Idon’twant‘emhereoronyourbikes,andIdon’twanttheclubexposedtotheproblemstheycreate.Understood?”

Mostinattendanceeithernoddedorgaveanaudibleacknowledgementofsomesort.Afterheglanced

overhisshouldersandslowlystudiedthegroup,hiseyesbecamefixedonPete,whobegantogrumbleexpletivesunderhisbreathfromtherearofthegroup.

Axtoncranedhisneckandgazedtowardtherearofthegroup.

“Thereaproblem

backthereIneedtoknowabout,Pete?”Axtongrowled.

Petepulledagainsthislongbeardwithhisrighthandasheseemedtoconsiderhisresponse.

“Iain’tsayingIdo,andIain’tsayingIdon’t,butlet’ssayafellahasacoupleofillegalfirearmslikeyou’re

talkin’about.AslongAsthey’rehisproperty,andnotclubproperty,what’stheproblem?”Petegruntedashereleasedhisbeardfromhisgrasp.

“Listenup,fellas,”Axtonshoutedasheraisedhishandsintheair.

“Peteaskeda

question.Hewantstoknowhowafellahavingillegalweaponsbecomesaclubissue,andwhyitdoesn’tremainoneofpersonalnature.Here’sthething.Ifyougetinapinchwiththelaw,andyou’vegotillegalweaponswhentheysearchyourhouse,theycan’tmakea

tiebetweenwhatyou’vegotathomeandtheclub.But,ifyou’rewiththeclub,oronclubproperty,andyou’reinapositiontobesearchedandtheweaponsarefound,youimmediatelyputtheclubatrisk.They’llbeabletosayyoupossessedtheweaponswhileactingasaclub

member,andthey’llsaytheweaponsweregoingtobesoldbytheclub,orthattheywereclubproperty.Theycallitconstructivepossession.It’sdifferentthanactivepossession,whichisactuallyhavingphysicalpossession.Believeme,Idon’tlikeitanymorethanyoudo,butallI’m

askingisthatyouleaveyourillegalweaponsathome.Ifthey’relegitimate,doasyouplease.I’maskingthatregardlessofwhetherornotyouthinkyou’regoingtogetcaught,toleaveyourbadboytoysathome,outofrespectfortheclub.AmImakingfuckingsense?”Axtonasked.

“Fuckingcops,”Petegrunted.

Axtonnoddedhishead,“That’sright,Pete.Fuckingcops.”

Axtonlookedaroundtheroom.Allmembersinattendancenoddedtheirheads.

“Sowhatexactly

happenedinWaco,Texas?Wealrightdownthere?”Mikeasked.

Axtonsighedashecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischest.“TheTexasSinnersarefine.Asyouknow,wehavepermissiontowearourTexasrocker,andwepayourduesfaithfully.I’mnothere

tryingtoknockanotherclub,andthisismostlyrumor,butit’saprettysolidrumor.WeallknowTexasisaBandidostate.TheCossackswereinitiallypayingtheirduestotheBandidostoweartheTexasrocker,buteitheroutofprideorsheerstupiditytheystopped.Theythought

theywerebigenoughandbadenoughtogoupagainsttheBandidos.Afewweekslater,agroupofBandido’ssawaCossackridingthroughtownandforcedhimofftheroad.Theyhitthefuckerintheheadwithahammerandtookhiscut.Afewweeksafterthat,sixCossackssawalone

Bandido,forcedhimtothesideoftheroadandstolehisfuckin’bike.Afterafewmoreweeks,aquarterlycoalitionmeetingwasscheduledtodiscusslegislativeissues,andtheyrentedtheoutsideportionoftheTwinPeaksrestauranttohavethemeeting.”

“Havingaquarterlymeetingatabreastaurant.Nowthat’swhatI’mtalkingabout.Titties,beer,andbrotherhood,”Biscuitchuckled.

AxtonraisedhishandtosilenceBiscuit.

“So,onthedaybeforethemeeting,Cossacksstarted

postingpicturesoftheircolorsonFacebook,showingtheTexasrockersthey’dsewnontheircuts.WithoutadoubttheyhadcalledtheBandidosoutbyflyingtherocker,andtheBandidoshadtoact.WhentheCossacksshowedupatthemeetingwiththeTexasrockersewnto

theircut,thewarbegan,”Axtonexplained.

“Disrespectfulpricks,”Biscuitsighed.

“That’sright,”Axtonnodded,“It’saboutrespect.Peopledon’tunderstandit,butthat’swhatitboilsdownto.ItwasblatantdisrespecttowardtheBandidos.Cops

aretryingtomakeitsoundlikeMC’sarewagingwaroncopsorevenonsociety,butweknowbetter.Hell,youdon’tgointoagaybarandscreamIhatefagswithoutexpectingafight,”hepausedandturnedtowardToad.

“Andyoudon’twalkintoaroomfullofMarines

andcall‘emdumbfuckingjarheads.NordoyourideinTexas,aBandidoownedstate,wearingaTexasrockerwithouteitherpayingyourtaxorhavingBandidopermission.It’sallaboutrespect.That’sasmuchasIknow.Arethereanyotherquestionsaboutthat?”

“Howmanydead?”Fancyasked.

“Nine,mostareprobablydeadatthehandsofthereturnedfirefromthecops.Ballisticsaren’tin,butmarkmywords,whenit’sover,it’llbethecopsthatkilledmostof‘em.Roughly200areinjail,andcharged

underRICOoncapitalmurdercharges,”Axtonrespondedinanauthoritativetone.

ToadturnedtowardAxtonandshruggedhisshoulders,“TalkedtoA-Trainyesterday.HesaidRippandDekkgotpulledoverandquestionedyesterdaymorning

whentheywereridingtothegym,andthey’renoteven1%ers.”

Axtonnoddedhisheadinagreement,“That’swhatI’mtalkingabout.Mostcitycopsdon’tknowthedifference,andthenewsissayingMC’sarewagingwaroncopsinretaliation.It’sjust

moreproofofhowthemediausesthenewsagainstallofus.Hell,theylovethisshit.Now,iftherearen’tanyotherquestionsonthat,Ihaveoneotherissueweneedtodiscuss.”

Axtonlookedaroundtheroom.Afterabsorbingthefewsecondsofthesilence,he

inhaledashallowbreathandcontinued.

“Asyouknow,thetrialforyourSergeant-At-Arms’futurebrother-in-lawiscomingupnextweek.He’sbeeninprisonforquitesometime,andhasbeenawardedanewtrialonappeal.I’vegotmixedemotionsabouthowto

handlethis.It’sacasewiththeATF,andtherewillbeATFagentsincourttestifying,observing,andjustbeingtheassholesthattheyare.Weneedtoshowsupporttothismanandhaveapresence,butI’mwonderingjusthowmanyofusneedtoattendthetrial?”

“FuckthempussieswiththeATF.Isayeveryavailablemanneedstoshowup.It’smyGodgivenrighttoattend,”Biscuithowled.

Axtonnoddedhishead,“Itcertainlyis.Butwedon’twanttoswaythejuryonewayoranother.Alargepresence,consideringwhat

happenedinWacowiththeBandidos,justmightworkagainsthim.”

Biscuitshookhishead,“Andhavingjustacoupleofthefellastheremakesitlooklikenobodygivesashitabouthim.Hell,ifthecourtroom’sempty,thejurywillthinkhe’sapieceof

shit.Isaywehaveeveryavailablebodyinattendance,andwedointimidatethejury.Intimidatethemintothinkingiftheydon’tfindhimnotguilty,we’lldorighthereinWichitawhattheBandidosdidinTexas.ShootthecourtroomintoabigpieceofSwissfuckin’cheese.Let‘em

thinkwhatevertheywantto.Hell,theycanwonderifwe’regoingtoshowupattheirhousesafterwardandburnthemtothefuckin’groundforthatmatter.”

IconsideredwhatBiscuitsaidaboutintimidatingthejury.Therewasnodoubtifthejurysawa

tremendouspresence,they’dbeintimidated.Hell,anyoneseeingahugepresenceof1%ersintheircutswasintimidated.Subconsciously,theywouldprobablyleantowardanotguiltyverdictforfearofretaliationalone.

“Slice,I’vegottoagreewithBiscuitonthis

one,”Ibreathed.

“Ifwe’reinthecourtroomthirtyorsodeep,thejuryisgoingtobeasnervousasabunchofwhoresinchurch.Theymayfindhimnotguiltyforfearofretaliationalone.Let’susethemassacreinTexastoouradvantage.”

Axtonstareddownatthefloorforalongmoment.Ashelookedup,hecrossedhisarmsandgazedblanklyintothecrowd.

“TrialstartsMonday,andbeginswithjuryselection.Howmanycanattend?Iunderstandifyou’vegottowork,butwe’retalking

aboutthatcasewiththeATFsettingthisfellauponmurder,andhe’sthebrotheroftheSergeant-At-ArmsOl’Lady.JacksonShephardwithHells’Fury,roadnameisKiller.Now,byashowofhands,whocanattend?”Axtonasked.

Armsshotintotheair.

Igazedaroundtheroom.EverymanIcouldseehadhisarmraised.IglancedtowardToadandpattedhimontheshoulder.

“Wellfuck.Ifwe’regoingtoshowup,Isayweshowup.I’llcalltheotherchaptersandseewhoelsecanattend.Ihopethecourtroom

isabigfucker,”Axtonchuckled.

Toadsmiledandnoddedinapparentappreciationasheglancedaroundtheroom.Sydney’sbrotherwastheonlyfamilyshehad,andhavinghimtakenawayhadtakenatollonheremotionally,andleft

herfeelingaloneforthemajorityofheradultlife.Ifhecouldbefreedfromprison,notonlywoulditallowhertohaveherfamilybackinplace,itwouldsetalegalprecedentregardingtheATFandentrapmentofmembersofaMC.Awininthiscasewouldbehugefor

MC’sacrossthenation.

Axtonsighedashestudiedthegroup,“Avery’sgoingtobethere,andSydneywillbeaswell,soifforsomereasonyouwanttobringyourOl’Ladies,that’llbefine.Andremember,we’renotonlythereforKiller,we’retheretoshowsupportfor

Sydney.Thisisgoingtobeatoughoneforherifhe’sfoundguiltyagain.”

IviewedAveryandSydneyasiftheyweremyyoungersisters.Seeingharmcometotheminanywaywasbeyondcomprehension,regardlessofwhetherornotitwasphysicaloremotional.A

largeshowingincourtwouldnotonlyshowsupportSydney’sbrother,butSydneyandAveryaswell.Averyspentlonghoursassemblingthepaperworktoreceiveanewtrialforhim,andobtainingitwasavictoryinitself.Citinglawandrecentapplicablefederalcasestothe

appellatecourt,shewasinstrumentalinthetrialbeingawarded.Sittinginthecourtroomwouldnotonlybeinteresting,itwouldpayrespecttoherforallthehardworkshedidinrequestinganewtrial.

Personally,attendingthetrialwasn’tsomethingI

feltIneededtodo;itwassomethingIhadtodo.

Asamatterofrespect.

OTISHavingawomanfitmewasnearimpossible,asIhadsomeprettyseriousissuestrustingpeople.Iwouldnever

describemyselfasparanoid,andinfact,Iwasquitetheopposite.Iwasmoreofarealist,andrealisticallyspeaking,peopleseemedtoalwayspresstheirnosesintocracksandcrevicesofaperson’slifewheretheyjustdidn’tbelong.Formetogettoknowawomanwould

requireexposingmyselftoher,andindoingso,Itookatremendousrisk.Mylife,lifestyle,anddaytodayactivitiesweren’tsomethingIcouldtrustanyonewith,maleorfemale.EvenspendingshortperiodsoftimewithpeopleIdidn’tknowexposedme,theclub,andmyclub

brotherstopotentialscrutiny.And,fortheSelectedSinners,somethingassimpleasaveryshallowexaminationwouldcertainlyrevealmorethanwewerepreparedtoallowoutsiderstoseeorattempttotryandunderstand.Placingmeunderamicroscopewasonething,butpotentially

placingmyMCBrothersinharm’swaywassomethingIwasn’teverwillingtoeverjeopardize.

Takingtherisktoevenmeetawomanwasdifficultforme.Meetingawomanwouldpotentiallycausemetowanttonaturallyknowmoreabouther.

Knowingmorewouldrequiremoreexposure.Moreexposureequaledmorerisk,andtheriskgrewwitheverythingshelearnedaboutme.Intime,ifIfoundoutsheeithercouldn’tbetrustedorshewasn’twhatIwaslookingfor,thedamage,sotospeak,wasalreadydone.The

lifeofa1%erwasadifficultone,andmanyoutsidersdidn’tunderstandwhattheyperceivedasarroganceorconceitwithintheranksofoutlawbikerswheninfactitwasnothingmorethanafaçadeusedtopreservewhatitwaswebelievedin.

Freedom.

WhenIwasyoung,longbeforeIbecameaSinner,lifewasdifferent.Inhighschool,andforseveralyearsfollowingmygraduation,therewasawomaninmylife;awomanIloveddearly.ShewaseverythingIneeded,almosteverythingIwanted,andwe

fiteachotherperfectly.Onethingkeptmefromspendingtherestofmylifewithher.

Myselfishness.

Shewantedafamily,andIyearnedforfreedom.Atthetime,Iperceivedchildrenasanannoyanceandanobstaclebetweenmeandaworldwhichwasotherwise

freeofconfinementandrestriction.WeseparatedwhenIwastwenty-oneyearsold,andIhadspentalifetimeregrettingit.Sincethen,Ihadbeenwithveryfewwomen,buteachoneImetremindedmeofthesamething–justhowextraordinarySamwas.

Afterhaving

experiencedthelovesheandIshared,attemptingtoacceptsomeoneelseasanywhereclosetoherequalwastoadmitIhadaspecialprocedureforshovingasquarepegintoaroundhole.Therewouldneverbeasoulonearthtocompletelyfilltheholesheleftinsideofme,and

admittingitallowedmetoacceptalifeofsolitudeasbeingnotonlywhatIneeded,butwithoutadoubtwhatIdeserved.

Livinginmyself-imposedwomanlesshellhadsomebenefits.ThefreedomIonceyearnedforwasnowwellwithinmygrasp.Mylife

hadnorestrictionsandveryfewregulationsIwasrequiredtoadhereto.IhadtheabilitytodowhateverIwanted,wheneverIpleased,withoutansweringtoanyone.

Well,almostanyone.Asmymotherbent

downandopenedtheoven,sheturnedherheadtothe

sideandwidenedhereyesslightly,“They’resayingonthenewsthepolicewerethreatenedbysomeofthemotorcycleclubs,Steve.Theythreatenedthosepoorofficerswithretaliation.Idon’tlikethatatall.Peoplearesupposedtorespectlawenforcementofficers.For

heaven’ssake,yourfatherwasapoliceofficer.”

“Ma,they’refullofshit,noonethreatenedthecops.Ifforsomereasononeofthoseclubswantedtodosomething,they’djustdoit,theydamnedsurewouldn’tannounceitorwarnthecops.Andit’sprettytoughforme

torespectsomecitycopwheneverytimeIturnaroundthey’reshootinganotherunarmedcitizenforhavingataillightthatdoesn’tworkorforarguingwiththemaboutatrafficticket.Serveandprotect.That’stheirjob.It’sdamnedsurenotwhatwegetfromthemanymore,isit?”I

shrugged.

“Theysaidtheyrecoveredahundredandfiftyweapons,it’sprettyobvioustomethosemencamewithkillingontheirminds.Itmakesmenervoushavingyouandyourfriendsoutthereridinganywherenearthosethugs,”shesaidoverher

shoulderasshesituatedthecasseroledishonthecountertop.

“They’renotthugs,ma.AnditwasinTexas.EveryoneisarmedinTexas.They’retryingtomakeitsoundlikeitwasanall-outwar,butitwasnothingmorethanabarfightandthecops

cameandshoteveryoneup.Hell,ifyouwenttoWal-MartinTexasandroundedupeveryoneinitandsearchedthem,I’dbewillingtobetmorethanseventy-fivepercentofthemwouldbearmed.I’mtiredoftalkingaboutit,”Icomplained.

Sheturnedtofaceme

andplacedherhandsonherhips,“Well,itmakesmenervous.Idon’twantyouoranyofyourfriendshurtifyougotooneofthoseget-togethers.”

Mymotherwasfifty-nineyearsold,andappearedtobemuchyounger.Shewasasmallwoman,standing

barelyoverfivefeettall,andweighedroughlyonehundredpounds.Iattributedthemajorityofherpreservedappearanceandyouthfullookstothefactsherarelyleftthehouse,andspentmostofhertimeeithercleaningorpreparingmealsformyfather,whowasamirror

imageofme.

“We’renotgoingtogethurt,ma.Notunlesssomecopdecidestoshootoneofus,”Ichuckled.

AsIheardmyfather’sfootstepscomingintothekitchen,Iturnedtofacehim,hopinghehadheardatleastaportionofwhatwewere

talkingabout.Hisopinionmatteredtomymother,andhewasnotmuchdifferentthanmeinhisjudgementoftoday’spoliceofficersandtheirpoordecisions.

“Ken,talktoyourson,”mymothersighedasshefoldedthetowelthatdangledfromherfingers.

“Myson?He’sourson,Marge.Whatarewetalkingabout?”hechuckledasheslappedhishandagainstmyback.

“Game’soverandtheRoyalswon.Bestteamintheleague,”hebraggedasherubbedhishandstogether.

“It’sabouttime,”I

laughed,makingreferencetothefacttheKansasCityRoyalshadn’tdoneanythinggoodinbaseballsincethe1980’s.

Iglancedatmymotherforasecond,andshiftedmygazetowardmyfather,“Weweretalkingaboutthebikershoot-outin

Texas.Ma’safraidthefellasandIaregonnagethurtifwe’rehangingaroundthethugswhowereatthebarinTexas.Itoldhertheonlywayanyofuswouldgethurtisifoneofthosetrigger-happycopsdecidedtoshootatusforgettinginafistfight.”

Asfarasmymother

andfatherwereconcerned,Iwaspartofagroupofmenthatlovedridingmotorcyclestogether.Theyeitherdidn’twanttoacceptorwereafraidtoadmitthatIwastheVicePresidentofa1%erMC.Ididn’tpresstheissueortrytoexplainanything,andtheydidn’task.Forthemto

understandjustwhatitwastheclubofferedmeortolearnofandcomprehendourday-to-dayactivitieswouldbenothingshortofimpossible.

“That’sthedamnedtruthMarge.Thatwholethingstinks.Theysaidtheotherdaytheshootingwasinside

thebar.Nowthey’resayingitwasoutside.Theofficerinchargeoriginallysaidthepolicereturnedfirewhenthebikersshotatthem.Nowthefilmfromthesecuritysystemofthebarhasbeenreviewed,anditlooksliketheonlyshootingwasfromthepoliceofficers.Thewholething

makesmesick.Copstodayaretoodamnedtriggerhappy.Hell,Imadehundredsofarrests,andneverpulledmyservicerevolveronce,”myfatherexplainedashewalkedtowardthecasseroledishandpeereddownattheconcoctionmymotherhadcooked.

Myfatherworkedforthirtyyearsasapoliceofficer,andhadretiredunharmed.Henowattemptedtomaintainhissanitybyworkingpart-timeatalocalhardwarestore,whichseemedtoworkwellforhim.Stillstandingsixfootfiveatsixty-twoyearsold,hewasin

goodphysicalandmentalcondition.Hisjobkepthimbusyenoughthathecontinuedtofeelhislifewasworthwhile,anditallowedalittlephysicalseparationfrommymotherduringtheday,which,accordingtohim,wasnecessary.

“Ijustdon’twanthim

togethurt,”mymothersighed.

“He’sabigboy,Marge.He’llbefine.Hell,he’sgotthatMarinebyhissidehalfthetime,nobody’sgoingtomesswithhim,”myfathersaidunderhisbreathashewalkedtowardthedishmymotherhadplacedonthe

countertop.

“Whathavewegothere,Marge?”myfatheraskedashepokedthetopofthecasserolewithhisfingertip.

“It’sarecipeIgotoffofPinterest,”mymotherresponded,“Enchiladacasserole.”

“Youknow,weateforthirtyyearswithoutPinterest.NowitseemseverytimeIturnaround,we’retryingsomethingnewthatsomeshit-headinSanFranciscocooked,tookafewpicturesof,andpostedarecipe.They’reprobablysittingbacktherenow

laughingatallthepeopletryingtocookthatshit.Justbecausetheytookaprettypictureofitdoesn’tmeanittastesgood,”myfathergrowledasheshookhishead.

“Whatarewegoingtoeatwithit?”heaskedasheglancedaroundthekitchen.

“I’llsliceupan

avocadoandafewtomatoes.It’ssupposedtobeacompletemeal,”mymothershruggedassheturnedtowardtherefrigerator.

Myfatherglancedatthecasseroledish,turnedtowardme,andshruggedhisshoulders.

“It’sanywonderI

haven’tstarvedtodeathsinceshejoinedthatdamnedwebsite.Youstillnotmessingwithanyofthatinternetstuff?”heaskedoverhisshoulderashewalkedtowardtherefrigerator.

“Nope.Facebook,Pinterest,Twitter,Idon’thaveanyof‘em.Can’tsee

anyneed.Idon’twantpeoplewhodon’tknowmediggingthroughmylife.AsfarasI’mconcerned,it’slikeleavingyourfrontdooropenforanyonetocomeintoyourhouseanddigthroughyourshit,”Iresponded.

“Amen,”hesaidasheheldabottleofbeeratarm’s

length.

Iacceptedthebeer,twistedoffthelid,andtookadrink.Myfatherwasaveryunderstandingman,andrarelypriedinmypersonalbusiness.Ibelievedheunderstoodfarmorethanmymotherwhatme,theclub,andmyMCBrotherswereall

about,butheneverasked,andIneveroffered.

“Sitdown,”mymothersaidasshearrangedtheplatesaroundthetable.

AsIslowlywalkedtowardthetable,Ipeereddownattheplateofslicedavocadoesandtomatoesandeventuallyshiftedmyeyes

towardtheenchiladacasserole.Myfatherwasright.Iwassurprisedwebothhadn’tstarvedtodeathsincemymotherfoundPinterest.Tryingnewthingswasfunforher,butitseemedshewasconstantlysearchingthesiteforaneasierwaytoprepareameal.Anentiremealinone

dishwasherobviousdesireandmyfatherandIwerethetestsubjects.Forme,itwasonedayaweekeatingwithmyparents.Formyfather,itwasadailyoccurrence.

Sundaydinneratmyparent’shousewasn’tnecessarilyarequirement,butIwasalwaysexpectedto

attend.AlthoughIwasthirty-sixyearsold,Iwasstillalittleboyintheeyesofmymother,andIalwayswouldbe.Ilookedforwardtothedinners,andenjoyedtheconversationswehad.Forme,itwasawaytounwind,becomenormal,andmentallyexhaustmyselffromallofthe

atrocitiesfromthepreviousweekofbeingaSelectedSinner.Itallowedmetobegineachweekwithanewstart,afreshmind,andthereminderthatfamilyismoreimportantthananythingelsethisworldhastoofferus.

DrinkingbeerandSundaydinnerswereaguilty

pleasure.Anyotherdayoftheweek,mystrictdietexcludedfoodswhichwouldcausemetoforfeitmyform,muscletone,orphysicalcondition.SettingSundaydinnersaside,drinkingbeerwasmyonlyvice,andItriedtokeepmydrinkingtonomorethanfiveorsixbeersa

day.Mydailyphysicalconditioningnotonlyallowedmetomaintainasoundmindandbody,butdidaprettygoodjobofworkingoffthebeersItypicallydrankthroughoutthecourseofanygivenday.

“So,yourfathertellsmetheMarinefriendofyours

isengagedtobemarried.Saidhe’swiththatcutelittleblondewaitressdownatthebarbequejoint,”mymothersaidaswesatdown.

Herewego.“Yeah,ma.He’s

engagedtothegirlatthebarbequejoint.Hername’sSydney,”IsighedasI

scoopedhalfofthecasseroledishontomyplate.

“AndyourotherfriendAshtonislivingwithagirlandthey’rejustasgoodasmarried.Isthatright?”sheaskedasmyfatherturnedtowardmeandwaggedhiseyebrowsjokingly.

“Axton,ma.Withan

X.Hisname’sAxton,notAshton.Andyeah,he’sgotagirlfriendorwhatever.Andhername’sAvery,”IrespondedasIraisedmybeerbottletomylips.

“Talkdownatthestoreisthatthetallbrownhairedgirlisanattorney.Theysaidshefiledanappeal

togetanewtrialfortheothergirl’sbrother,whowassetupbytheATFyearsback.Isthatalltrue?”myfatheraskedasheshovedaforkfulofenchiladasintohismouth.

IshookmyheadasIplacedmybottleofbeerontothetable,“Whotoldyouallthat?”

“Commonknowledgedownatthestore,”myfathersaidashefinishedchewinghisfood.

“Well,it’spartiallytrue,”IsighedasIpressedmyforkintothecasserole.

“Averyisthebrownhairedgirl,Axton’sgirlfriend.She’saparalegal

orwhatever.Worksdowntownwithoneofthosepowerfuldefenseattorneys.ShefiledanappealforSydney’sbrother,whowasrailroadedbytheATFforagreeinghedidn’tlikesomeotherclub.Theygrantedit,andtrialisnextweek,”IexplainedasIraisedthe

forkfuloffoodtomymouth.

“Amandon’tgettossedinprisonforsayingyoudon’tlikesomeone.There’sgottobemoretoit,”myfathershruggedashereachedforhisbeer.

InoddedmyheadasIalternatedglancesbetweenmymotherandfather,

eventuallyfixingmygazeonmyfather,“Thereis.Hesaidifpushcametoshove,he’dkill‘emiftheymessedwithhim.ButonlyaftergettingdrunkandharassedbytheATFfortwoyears.”

“Ohlord,”mymothersaidunderherbreathassheraisedherhandstoherface.

“Ma…”IbreathedasIshookmyhead.

“Hell,ifanyonemessedwithme,I’dkill‘emMarge,”myfathergruntedashecutanotherchunkofcasseroleoffoftheslabsittingonhisplate.

“Ken!”mymothergasped.

“Well,Iwould.I’msurethecourtwilldecidewho’srightandwho’swrong.It’llbeinterestingtoseehowthatpansout,”myfathersaid.

Inoddedmyheadandglanceddownatmyplate.Conversationsatmyparent’sdinnertableseemedtonotonlyhavenoboundaries,but

theytypicallyhadnolimits.Itwasn’tuncommonforustobegintalkingaboutmyfather’stomatocrop,andeventuallyendupinaheateddiscussionaboutthebenefitsoflegalizingprostitution.Personally,Ibelievedmyfatheroftenchangedthesubjectsuntilthe

conversationtookacoursethathebelievedwouldirritatemymother.

“Speakingofattorneys,didyouhearaboutthatdoctorthatsewedapeckeronthatAsianstripperinWichita?She’sdancingdownatthestripclubbyBoeingnowwithachunkof

meatbetweenherlegs.Clydesayshe’sseenheroverthereandshe’shunglikeahorse.Saidshedrawsthebiggestcrowdoutofallthosegirls.Rumorhasitthey’regettingupapetitiontohavehertossedout,sayingnowshe’snotagirl,butaguy.Whatdoyouthinkaboutthat?”my

fatheraskedashereachedforhisbeer.

“Ken!”mymotherbreathed.

“Well,it’sthedamnedtruth,Marge.Seweditrightonthere.Now,whatI’mwonderingaboutisthis…”hepausedandloweredhisbottleofbeertothetable.

“Where’dtheygetthepecker?”heshrugged.

Ishookmyheadindisgust,“Hardsaying.”

“Well,someonehadtogiveitup.Maybeitwasoneofthosefellaswhowantedtobeswitchedintoagirl.I’mthinkingtheymustkeeparunningtally,and

whenthere’saguywhowantsitwhackedoffandaholedrilleddownthere,theyaddhimtothechart.Andlater,whentheyfindagirlwhowantsapecker,aslongasthere’ssomedip-shitonthechartwhowantshiscutoff,theygotamatch.Peoplearejustplainweirdthese

days.AnywayClydeseenhim.Orher.Saidshewaspretty,well‘ceptforthebulgeinherpants,”hechuckled.

“Let’schangethesubject,”mymothersighed.

DisgustedatthethoughtofanAsianstripperwithacockswinging

betweenherlegs,Ishookmyhead.

“Enchiladasareprettygood,ma,”Isighed.

Shesmiledandnoddedherhead,“Thankyou.”

“Maybenexttime,ifthereisanexttime,weshouldhavesometacosor

somethingwiththisshit.Youtookalittlepiece,andSteveandItookwhatwasleft.Eitherthatormakeadoublehelping,”myfathercomplainedashegazeddownathisplateandpiercedatomatoslicewiththetipofhisfork.

Mymothergazed

downatherplateandbegantospeakwithoutlookingup.

“Itworkedoutjustfine,andwedon’thavetoworryaboutleftovers.NowwhatIwastryingtotalkaboutearlierwasthatallofyourfriendshavegirlfriendsorfiancées,andyouhaven’thadagirlfriendsinceIdon’t

knowwhen.Maybeit’stimeyougetone.Youknowweallhavetogrowupsometime.”

Halfpissedoffthatshe’dmentionedthesubject,Igrabbedmybottleofbeerandpushedmyselfawayfromthetableslightly.Asthebottledangledbesidemyhipfrombetweenmythumband

forefinger,Istudiedheruntilshelookedupfromherplate.

“Ma,Idon’thaveagirlfriendbecauseIhaven’tfoundoneyetthatsuitsme.They’realltoodamnednoseyorfartoocontrolling.AssoonasIfindonegoodenoughforme,you’llbethefirsttoknow,”IsaidasI

raisedmybeerbottleintheairandtiltedthenecktowardher.

“IlikedSamantha.Ican’tseewhyshehadtoupandmoveaway.Agirllikeherwouldbeperfectforyou,”mymothersaidassheglancedtowardherplate.

“IlikedSamtoo,but

thatwasfifteenyearsago,ma.Fifteen.Notyesterday,butfifteendamnedyears,”IsaidasIstoodfrommyseat.

Iwalkedtotherefrigeratorandgrabbedtwomorebeers.Afterfinishingwhatlittlewasleftinmybottle,Idroppeditintothetrashandtwistedthelidoff

theother.AsIwalkedtothetable,IstudiedmymotherandwaitedforherresponseasIhandedmyfatherabeer.

Shesatsilentlyandpickedatherfood.

“WhyyoubringingupSamafterallthistime?”IaskedasIsatdown.

Asshelookedup

fromherplate,myfathergazeddownathis.

“Hermotherpassed,”mymothersaidassheshiftedhergazetomeetmine.

Myheartsank.ShortofSam’shusband,andwhatIwascertaintobeahousefullofkids,hermotherwasallshehad.Herfather,whowas

considerablyolderthanhermother,passedawaywhenshewastwelveafterashortbattlewithcoloncancer.Hermother,tothebestofmyknowledge,neverremarried.Samhadnobrothersorsisters,andlongedforalargefamily,oneIwasn’twillingtoprovide.

Itookalongswallowofbeerandwashedthelumpfrommythroat.

“When’sthefuneral?”Iaskedflatly.

“Tomorrow,”mymothersaidasshelookedupfromherplate.

Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Well,I’vegotthe

trialtomorroworI’dgo.ProbablybestthatIdon’tseeheranyway.She’smarriedandhasafamily.Herhusbanddoesn’tneedareminderofwhoherhighschoolsweetheartwas.”

“YourfatherandIarguedaboutgoing,youknowhowheisabout

funerals.Wedecidedtosendflowersinstead.Ijustfoundoutyesterdaywhenyourfathertoldme.HehearditatworkfromClyde,”mymothersaid.

“Whathappened?”Iasked.

Mymotherloweredherforktothesideofher

plateandshookherheadfromside-to-side,“Well,that’sthesadpart.Apparently,shewascooking,andwaspulledsomealuminumfoilofftheroll.Shecutherwristonthelittlestriporthefoil…Idon’tknow…andshebledtodeathbeforetheambulance

arrived.”

Analuminumfoildeathdidn’timmediatelymakesensetome.Isatandstaredblanklyatmymotherandwaitedforhertosayitwasabigjoke.Afterafewminutesofsilence,IrealizedwhatshesaidwasrealityandapartofSam’slifeshewould

berequiredtoaccept.

Ishookmyhead,“Aluminumfoil?Jesus,howdoessomeoneprepareforthat?”

Frustrated,Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Iguesstheydon’t.That’sadamnedshame.”

Myfatherlookedup

fromhisplateandnoddedhishead,“Sureis.Justgoestoshowyou,youneverknow…”

Istaredatthebottleofbeerforwhatseemedlikeanunreasonableamountoftime.ThethoughtofSam’smotherdying,anddyingfromsomethingnoonewouldor

couldmakeanyplansorconcessionstoprepareforcausedmetofeeladeepersorrowfortheentirefamily.EvenacarwreckwouldallowapersontoeventuallyacceptitasGod’swill.

Butaluminumfoil?

IbegantoworryaboutSam,andwondered

howshe’dacceptthedeath.Iattemptedtoconsidermyselfinthesamecircumstance,anddecidedI’dprobablyneveracceptitasbeingpartoflife’sbigplanformeormyfamily.Tryingtomakesenseofitwasbeginningtomakemefeeluneasy.AlthoughIwasraisedbyaGodfearing

family,IinnowaystruggledwithGodasmuchasAxtonorToad,butstillstrugglednonetheless.Idid,however,believeIlivedinGod’sworld;andthatallthingshappenedforareason.

Isatandstaredattheamberbottle,wonderingifmylifetimewouldproduce

enoughtimeformetocomeupwithagoodreasonforthemotheroftheonlywomanIeverloveddyingfromsuchanunfortunateincident.

Ieventuallyliftedthebottleanddranktheremainingbeerwiththeunderstandingthatalthoughsomethingsinlifeare

unavoidable,wemayneveracceptthemasbeingnecessary.

OTISAtwohourlongworkoutprovidedlittlerelief,andmytensionwasstillatalevelIwasn’tcomfortablewith.

ObviouslyhavingadifficulttimeacceptingthedeathofSam’smotherasbeingnecessary,IsteppedintotheshowerwiththehopeitwouldwashawaytheremainingdiscomfortIwasfeeling.

Aftershoweringuntiltherewasnoremaininghot

water,Idriedoff,tookaprecursoryglanceinthemirror,andwalkedtomybedroom.AlthoughIshouldhaveclimbedintobedandretiredforthenight,Ifeltfallingasleepwouldproveimpossible.

AquicktextmessagetotheSinnersIreservedas

friendsrevealedBiscuitastheonlyoneavailabletohaveadrink.Eagertoattempttoridmyselfofwhatwasbotheringme,Igotdressed,hoppedonmybike,androdetoWichitatomeethimatthebar.

Iparkedmybikebesidehisandsurveyedtheparkinglot.Afewcars

litteredtheotherwiseemptylot.SundaynightatmostbarsinWichitawasaslownight,andconsideringtheproblemsinWaco,Texaswiththeshooting,severalofthebarshadmadenewrulesregardingbikerswearingtheircutsinsidethebar.Itcameasnosurprise,andalthoughmost

barspreventedgangssuchastheCripsandBloodsfromwearingtheircolors,nonehadtakenthechanceatattemptingtopreventMC’sfromdoingso.Thisbarwasonewhowasstillbikerfriendlyandhadmadenosuchrule,leavingitasoneofouravailableoptions.AsI

walkedthroughthedoorIrecalledthenightImetAxton’sOl’Lady,Avery.

“BigO,what’sshakin’,”Biscuitsaidashestoodfromhisbarstool.

Ishookmyheadandgrinned,“Justneedingtounwind.Let’sgooverandsitinoneofthosebooths,Idon’t

needthebartenderlisteningtowhatwe’retalkingabout.”

“Noargumentfromme,thatstoolisashardasaweddingdaycock,”hesaidashewrappedhisarmsaroundmeandslappedmeontheback.

“Placedon’tseemthesamewithoutAveryandthat

otherchickworkin’,doesit?”Biscuitsighedaswewalkedtowardanopenbooth.

Ishookmyhead,“Suredoesn’t.”

BiscuitsatdownandplacedhisRedBullandglassofvodkainfrontofhim.Ashesatandstudiedmeforashortmoment,herubbedhis

beardwithhisrighthand,andeventuallydrughisfingersthroughhisthickbrownhair.

“SureyouheardaboutCorndogandthatpoorgirlwhoworkedhere,huh?”heaskedasheleanedontotheedgeofthetable.

Inoddedmyhead,“I’veheardsome,yeah.”

Hepressedhisforearmsontothetable,claspedhishandstogether,andleanedforward,“They’reinseparablenow.He’sbeenfuckin’thatpoorgirlsixwaysfromSunday.Talkedtohimafterthemeetingtheotherday.Saidhe’sbeenschoolingheronsuckingcock,andit

soundslikeshe’sgotquitethesexualappetite.Anyway,He’smakingupforthefiveyearsoflosttimehespentinthejoint.”

“I’msureheis,”IsaidasIraisedmyhandtogetthewaitress’attention.

Heturnedhispalmsup,andwidenedhiseyes

slightly.

“Youknow,everyoneofthefellasisfascinatedbythatgirl’sbigfuckingtitties.Butme?I’mfascinatedwiththefactToadwrappedherheadinGoddamnedSaranWrap,fuckedheruntilshewasdamnedneardead,andthentookhertotheDog’s

house,droppedheroff,andsheain’tfuckin’leftyet.Hell,untiltheToaddroppedheroff,she’dnevermetCornDog.”

AsInoticedthewaitresswalkingtowardthetable,IraisedmyhandtosilenceBiscuit.

“I’lltakeacoupleof

MichelobUltrasandbringhimanothercanofRedBullandafewiceddoublevodkas,”Isaidasthewaitressapproachedthetable.

“Soundsgood.Youguysaren’tgoingtoshoottheplaceup,areyou?”shechuckledplayfully.

Biscuitgrinnedashe

turnedtofaceher,“Wemightafterwegetafewdrinksinus.”

Probablynomorethantwenty-oneyearsold,andmorethanlikelyoneofAvery’soldcollegefriends,thewaitresswascute,butyoung.Tallandthinwithathleticlegs,Iwonderedif

sheplayedvolleyballwithAveryandSloan,butdecidednottoask.Havingaconversationwithherwasn’tatthetopofmycurrentlistofpriorities.

“Goddamn…”Biscuitsaidafterstudyingherforashortmoment,drawingtheworddamnoutforfive

secondsorso.

Sheshiftedhergazetomeethisandgrinned,“What?”

“Youreyes.That’sthecraziestblueIeverseen,”hesaidashetwistedhisbodytofaceher.

“Contacts,”sheshrugged.

“Figures,”hesaidunderhisbreathasheturnedaround.

“Bebackinaminute,”shegrinnedassheturnedaway.

Biscuittookadrinkofhisvodka,chaseditwithaswallowofRedBull,andimmediatelypressedhischest

intotheedgeofthetableasifpreparingtotellmeasecret.

“Nothin’againsttheDog,butIwonderaboutthatfuckin’girl,Sloan.Damnedthingcan’thavealickofproperupbringinginher.Personally,Iwouldn’tfuckherwithPete’scock,andhe’sanastyfucker.CornDog’s

poundingthatshitlikeeachday’shislast,soIguessI’llsaygoodforhim;andfromwhathewassayin’she’sbecomemightyfineatsuckingcock.Oh,shit,Ialmostforgot,Igotastorytotellya,”hesaidashesatupandrubbedhishandstogether.

IfBiscuiteverdecidedhenolongerwantedtobeaSinner,hecouldimmediatelyseekemploymentasastand-upcomic.Hisabilitytotellastorywasonlymatchedbyhiswillingness,andhewasalwayswilling.Theproblemwastryingtodecideifwhatyouwerehearingwasthe

truthoranotheroneofhiswildmadeupfables.Eitherway,hearinghimtalkwasentertaining,andprobablyexactlywhatIneeded.

Hepressedhisforearmsintotheedgeofthetableandbegantoalmostwhisper,“So,speakingofsuckin’cock,therewasthis

girl;shegavethebestfuckin’headever.Damnedthingwaslikeatrainedprofessional,andprobablyshouldhavehadacollegecourseonhowtoproperlysuckacock.Shecouldtakemymeatallthewaytotheballs,stickoutherGoddamnedtongue,andcurlitaroundmynutsackwithout

missin’abeat.”

Igrinnedandnoddedmyhead,waitingtohearmoreaboutthisprofessoroforalpleasure.

“So,thisbitchhadthemostbeautifulblueeyes.And,becauseshehadnogagreflex,Icouldfuckthisgirl’smouthjustlikeIwasfuckin’

apussy.Anyway,whenI’dpoundherthroatwithmycock,I’dlookdownintohereyes,andaftershebatthoselonglashesandrevealedthosedamnedeyesafewtimes,I’djustexplode.Sheknewhereyesweremybiggestweakness,andshewasright,”hepausedand

rubbedhisbeardwithhishand.

“Soonenight,she’sdownonherknees,andshe’sgoingtotownonmycock.Justaslurpin’andasuckin’likethisone’sherlast.Hell,I’mlookin’upattheceilinglikeIgotnointerestinwatchin’her,whichcouldn’t

beanyfurtherfromthetruth.Myproblemwasthis,”hepausedasthewaitresswalkedupwithatrayofdrinks.

“Hereyougo,twoicedvodkadoubles,acanofRedBull,andtwoUltras.Anythingelse?”thewaitressaskedassheplacedthedrinksontothetable.

IsmiledandshookmyheadasIreachedforabeer.

“Otherthanbeinglikesuperbig,youdon’tlooklikeabiker,Imeannotreally,”thewaitresssaid.

“NeverthoughtIwaslikesuperbig,butthanks,Iguess,”Biscuitchuckledas

hetuggedonhiscut.

“Iuhhm,Iwasmeaninghim,”shegiggledasshetossedherheadtowardme.

“Oh,”Biscuitsaidasheturnedtowardmeandraisedhiseyebrowsinwaitformyresponse.

“Idon’tknowthat

bikerslookanycertainwaytobequitehonest.IlookthewayIlookandI’mabiker.Onehasnothingtodowiththeother,”IsighedasIliftedmybeerandtiltedittowardher.

“Oh,Ididn’treallymeananythingbyit,Iwasjust.Idon’tknow.Youknow,

tryingtomakeconversation.DoyouknowAvery?”sheaskedasshetossedherhairoverhershoulder.

Iloweredmychinslightly,restedmyelbowonthetable,anddangledthebeerbottlefrommyhand,“Suredo,she’sagoodfriend.”

“Well,we’renotclose,butIplayedvolleyballwithher.I’maseniorthisyearandshe’sayearolderthanme.Ijustheardshewaslikedatingoneoftheguysinyourgang,”shesaidassheattemptedtoforceherfingertipsintototheextremelysmallpocketsof

heroverlytightjeanshorts.

“Club.We’reaclub,notagang.Amotorcycleclub,”IsaidasIliftedthebottleofbeertomylips.

“Oh,Ithoughtyouwereamotorcyclegang.What’sthedifference?”sheaskedasshegaveuponshovingherhandsintoher

pocketsandallowedherarmstodangleathersides.

“Thereisn’tone,”Ishrugged,“Butgangsoundsbad,andclubsoundsmoreprofessionalandlesscriminal,soweallcallourselvesclubsnow.”

Shetiltedherheadtotheside,seeminglyslightly

confused,“Soyouareagang?”

Biscuitturnedtofaceherandraisedhisindexfingertohislips,“Shhh.Don’ttellanybody.”

“Oh,Iwon’t.Youcantrustme,”shegrinned,“I’mKat.”

“Likeapussycat?”

Biscuitchuckled.

“Kindof,butwithaK.Katrina,Katforshort,”shesaid.

“I’mBiscuit,that’sOtis,”Biscuitsaidashemotionedtowardme.

“Biscuit?WhyBiscuit?”sheshrugged.

“Whynot?”Biscuit

snappedback.

Sheshruggedhershouldersassheshiftedhergazetomeetmine.Asoureyesmet,shegrinned.

“Nicetomeetyouguys.I’llleaveyoutwoaloneforawhile.Ifyouneedme,justholler.We’renotrealbusy,I’llprobablystopbyin

afewandseeifyou’redoingalright,”shesaidassheturnedaway.

Inoddedmyheadassheturnedaway.Sheseemedniceenough,butfromwhatlittleIcouldsee,hadnothingtoofferme.AlthoughAveryprovedtobeassolidofawomanasIhadevermet,I

hadmydoubtsthatothercollegestudentswouldbeasmatureandtrustworthyasshewas.AfterBiscuitwatchedherwalkawayoverhisshoulderheturnedtowardthetableandgrinned.

“Meeefuckingyow.Kat,huh?She’sahotlittlenumber,”hesighed.

Iliftedmychinslightlybeforetakingalongdrinkofmybeer,“Wherewerewe?”

“Holdupaminute,I’vegottoclearmymindofevilthoughts,”hesaidashegrabbedaglassofvodka.

AftertakingadrinkandchasingitwithRedBull,

heshookhisheadandnarrowedhisgaze.

“Iwasfacefuckingmyblueeyedgirl,”hesaidasheplacedthecanofRedBullbesidetheglassofvodka.

Itiltedmybeertowardhimandnoddedmyhead,“Theprofessoroforalpleasure.”

“Shedamnedsurewas.Couldhavegivenacourseonitforsure,”hesaidasheglancedovereachshoulder.

“Okay.SoI’vegotmycockdownherthroat,andshe’sstaringupatme,knowingifIlookintothosebeautifulblueeyesformore

thanafewsecondsI’mgonnashootmyload.Me?I’mlookin’upattheceiling,countin’themlittlepopcorndealiostheysprayonupthere.Nowshe’ssuckin’away,andI’matabouttwothousandfivehundredandfifty-three,knowingIcan’tlastmuchlonger.Iglance

downjustforaquicksecond,andluckilyhereyesareclosed,”hepausedandreachedforthevodka.

AfteradrinkofvodkaandaredBullchaser,heleanedforwardandcontinued,“So,Ireachdownandgrabblueeyesbytheears.Now,Igotherearsin

myhands,andIstartpoundingmycockinandoutofherthroatlikeI’mgettin’paid.Hell,I’mwatchin’thatfuckerdisappearinhermouth,amazedbythesheertalentofthisgirl,andIpullitoutandshoveitbackin.Then,Ipullout,andshoveitbackinballsdeep.Shedon’t

gagorwhimperornothin’.Hell,thisisturningmeonlikeamotherfucker,soIturnitupanotch.”

Hepushedhimselfawayfromthetable,stood,andheldhishandsinfrontofhisthighsashebegantobuckhishipsviolentlybackandforth.Ashecontinuedto

thrusthishipsnodifferentlythanamalestripperhopingforatip,hebegantheremainderofhisstory.IshookmyheadandgrinnedatthefactBiscuitcouldcarenotwhatanyoneinthebarthoughtabouthislittlecharade.

“SoI’mshovingmy

cockballsdeepintoherthroat,pullingitout,andshovingitrightbackin,anditbuildsupthatthroatsnotlikeamotherfucker,”hesaidashecontinuedtothrusthishipsbackandforth.

“Throatsnot?”Ishrugged.

“Yeah,”hesighed,his

hipsstillgyratingbackandforth,“Thatgoopdowndeepintheirthroats.Hell,youprobablyain’tgotacockbigenoughtofindit,butoleBiscuitdoes.”

IrolledmyeyesandshookmyheadasItookadrinkofbeer.

“Soanyway,I’m

poundingawayandthingsgetkindofslippery.SoIpullback…”hepulledhishipsrearwardandpaused.

“AndIdon’trealizeitatthatexactminute,butmycockslidesallthewayoutofhermouth.SoIgotoshoveitbackin,thinkin’thetipisstillinhermouth,andthehead

hitshertoplip,andthefucker’sallcoveredinslobberandthroatsnot,soitshootsupthesideofherfaceandsticksherintheeye,”hesaidasthrusthishipsforwardandheldthemthere.

“Now,initially,Idon’tthinknothingofit,otherthanthefactIjust

pokedherintheeyewithmycock.SoIpullmyhipsbackandpreparetoshoveherthroatfullonemoretime,”hepausedandpulledhishipsrearward.

“Andshelooksupandopenedhereyes…”

Hiseyeswidenedsignificantlyashecontinued

tospeak,“Andshe’sstarin’backatmesmiling’,readyforthecock,andshe’sgotonebrowneyeandonefuckin’blueone.Igotmycockinmyhand,starin’backather,andIblinkmyeyes,notsureifwhatI’mseein’iswhatI’mseein’.Nope,she’sstillcroucheddownthere,with

hermouthopen,starin’backatmewithonebrownandonefuckin’blueone–ain’tgotafuckin’clueofwhat’shappened.Nowthisfreaksmethefuckout,becausetheentirereasonIlikethisgirl,other’nthefactshecansuckagolfballthroughagardenhose,isthatshe’sgotthem

crazyblueeyes.AndIglancedown,blinkonemoretime,andmyeyesfocusonmybigfatcock.Andthetipofmyrod’sgotalittletransparentbluedotontheendofit.”

“Contacts?”IshruggedasIbegantolaugh.

Henoddedhishead,“Yep.That’swhenIlearned

about‘em.FuckeditrightoutofherGoddamnedeye.”

Ishookmyheadasheslidintotheseat.

“That’sahellofastory,”IchuckledasIfinishedmybeer.

“DamndestthingIeverseen,”helaughedashereachedforhisvodka.

“Sowhatwasallthatabout?”thewaitressaskedasshewalkeduptotable.

“What?”Biscuitaskedoverhisshoulder.

Thewaitressthrustherhipsbackandforth,moreinafluidmotionthatBiscuit’sjerkyhaphazardmethod.Sheplacedherhands

onherhipsandsmiledasshegyratedafewmoretimes,appearingtobeperfectingadancemovemorethanimitatingBiscuit.AsmuchasIhatedtoadmitit,seeingherdoitwasnotonlyquitesensual,butrathererotic.Itwasevidentshehadatleastsomeexperienceatdancing

anddidsoquitewell.

“Goddayumm,’Biscuitsaidasheturnedinhisseattofaceher.

Asshestoppedgyrating,shegrinnedandslappedherhandagainstherthigh.

“Ijustthoughtitwasfunnywhenyouweredoing

it.I’msorry,I’mjustbored,”sheshrugged.

“Youcancomeoverhereandfucktheairanytime,”Biscuitchuckled.

“Isthatwhatyouweredoing,fuckingtheair?”sheasked.

“Here?Yeah,Iwasfuckingtheair.Butinthe

storyIwastellin’,Iwasfuckin’agirl’smouth,”Biscuitresponded.

Herewego.“Soundsfun,”she

saidwithasmile.

“IprobablyoughttogocleansometablesbeforeIgetmyselfintrouble,”sheshrugged.

IgrinnedandtiltedmyheadherdirectionasIreachedformyfullbottleofbeer.Oddly,assheturnedtowalkaway,hereyesremainedfixedonBiscuituntilherbodywascompletelyturnedaround.Asshewalkedtowardthebar,sheglancedoverhershoulderonceand

grinned.

“Damn,Biscuit.Lookslikeshelikesya,”IchuckledasIslappedmylefthandagainstthetable.

“Soonerorlater,theyalldo,”hegrinnedasheglancedoverhisshoulder.

IrolledmyeyesasIliftedmybottleofbeer.

“Sowhat’dyouwanttotalkabout?”BiscuitaskedashereachedforhiscanRedBull.

AsIshookmyhead,hereachedforhisvodkaanddranktheremainingliquorfromtheglass.

“Nothing,justneededtounwind.I’mgoodnow,”I

said.

“Yousureyou’realright,Brother?”heasked.

Inoddedmyhead,“Positive.”

“Howlongyouwanttostickaround?”heasked.

“Drinkthisandgo?”IrespondedasIraisedmybeerintheair.

“Imightstickarounduntilshegetsoff,”Biscuitsaidashetiltedhisheadtowardthebar.

“Trial’stomorrow,”Isaidundermybreath.

“Youseethatgirl’slegs?”heasked.

Inoddedmyhead,grinned,anddrankthe

remainingbeerfrommybottle.Biscuit’sdecisiontostayandtryhisluckwiththewaitressprovidedverylittleguidancetomycurrentsituation,butdidprovidesomecomfortintheformofreassurance.

ReassurancethewomanIwouldendupwith,

ifIeverdidendupwithawomaninmylife,wouldcomefromafarmoregruelingapplicationprocessthanthrustingmyhipsintheair.

“Yousureyou’realright?”BiscuitaskedasIfinishedmybeer.

Inoddedmyhead,

“Myoldgirlfriend,Sam.Hermotherdied.Justwantedtotryandletitallsettle.Justtryingtomakesenseofit.”

“Ohshit,yoursweetheart?Damn,Brother,I’msorry.Whathappened,ifImightask?”heaskedasheshookhisheadfromside-to-side.

“Aluminumfoil.Itwasanaccident,”Ishrugged,realizingmypoorlyexecutedexplanationwouldraiseaneyebrowasIfinishedspeaking.

“Damn,didsheworkattheReynold’sWrapfactoryorsomething?”heasked

IshookmyheadasIreachedformykeys,“No,shewascookingandwenttopullsomealuminumfoilofftheroll,anditcutherwrist.Shebledtodeathbeforetheambulancearrived.”

Heshookhisheadashestoodfromhisseat.

“Well,whenadeal

likethathappens,youjustgottostandbackandrealizethatthisworldwe’relivinginain’tours,it’sHis;andthingslikethatarejustproofofit.Hisplan’smuchbigger’nthis,”hesaidashepointedhisfingerbackandforthbetweenus.

“Agreed,”IsaidasI

slappedmyhandagainsthisback.

“Seeyouinthemorning,”IsaidasIturnedaway.

“LongasI’mdonewithher,”hegrinned.

“Justdon’tfuckherintheeye,andeverything’llbefine,”Ilaughed.

Andjustlikethat,everythingmadealittlemoresense.Sometimes,havingafriendorlovedoneconfirmouralreadyone-sidedbeliefsprovidedallthereassurancenecessaryforustocontinuebelievingourwayofthinkingwasjustwhatitneededtobe.

AsIwalkedtothe

bikeIrealizedalthoughIdidn’tbelievethedeathofSam’smotherwasnecessary,Iwasabletoacceptitasbeingoutofmycontrol,andpartofaplanIdidnotunderstandtoday,butonedaymay.

OTISThecourtroomsmelledlikemoney.Thejudgewasseatedonanelevatedplatforminfrontofwherewewere

seated,butonthefarsideofthecourtroom.Inthecenterofthefloorwasanornatelecternusedbytheattorneyashepresentedhiscase.Ontheimmediateleftwasthejury,seatedincomfortableleatherseatsastheystudiedthewitness.Directlyinfrontofusweretwotables,one

occupiedbythedefenseattorney,andonebytheprosecutionanddefendant.Astheypresentedtheircasestothejudge,theattorneysfacedawayfromus,makingtheirfacialexpressionsimpossibletoread.

SittinginthecourtroomamidsttheATF

agentsmademefeeluneasy.SeeingroughlysixtySelectedSinnerssupportingSydney’sbrotherwasenoughtoallowmetobelieveJacksonhadallthebackingnecessarytoensureheatleastfelthehadsufficientsupport.Thefactnoneofhisclub,Hell’sFury,attendedthetrialcausedme

tolosewhatlittlerespectIhadfortheMCherepresentedwhenhewasarrested.

Juryselectionbegan,andtookverylittletime.Aftereachattorneythrowingafewpotentialjurorsoutforcauseorperemptorychallenges,thejurywas

selected.Muchtomysurprise,thetwelvemenandwomenofthejuryincludedthreemenwhorodemotorcycles.Hopefully,eveniftheyweren’tinaclub,they’dhaveabetterunderstandingofwhatwasbeingdiscussed.

Afterseveralhoursof

questioningseveralATFagentsandSydney’sbrotherJackson,theprosecutorseemedtorunoutofgas.Histoneofvoicechanged,andhebecamefarlessaggressive.Notsureifitwasatacticoradoseofreality,Isatbackinmyseatandwatchedtheshowcontinue.

“DuringyourtimeasamemberofHell’sFuryMC,wereyouknownbyanyothernamesthanyourGodgivenname?”theprosecutorasked.

Kurt,Jackson’sattorneyandAvery’semployer,immediatelystoodfromhisseat.

“Yourhonor,I

object,”hebarkedinaverymatteroffacttone.

Thejudgeraisedhisfingerintheair,attemptingtosilencethewitnessbeforeheresponded.

“Grounds?”thejudgeasked.

Stillstandingbehindthetable,Kurtspreadhis

armsapartandtiltedhisheadslightlytotheside.Hewasaverylargeman,standingalmost6’-5”andweighingprobably250pounds.Hismilitarystylehaircut,well-definedfeatures,andthetoneofhisvoicemadehimratherintimidatinginthecourtroom.

“Yourhonor,itasksthejurytoprejudicetheevidence.You,yourhonor,me,theprosecutor,andthewitnessknowwhatthedefendant’sclubnamewasduringhistenurewiththeclubinquestion.Otherthanusingthenametoprejudicethejury,Iseenovaluein

providingitintestimony,”Kurtargued.

Thejudgeraisedhishandtohischinandclenchedhisfistasheconsideredrulingontheobjection.

“Yourhonor,theformerPresidentoftheUnitedStates,LyndonJohnson,wasnicknamed

BullshitJohnson.Theboxer,ThomasHearns,wasnicknamedTheHitman.RichardHill,theEnglishRugbyplayer,wasnicknamedTheSilentAssassin.AndPeteSampras,thetennisplayer,wasnicknamedPistolPete.Idoubtanyofthenicknames

providedanaccuratedepictionofwhothepeoplewereorwhattheyrepresented,”KurtexplainedashecontinuedtostandbehindthelargeornatetablewhereJacksonwasseated.

“Granted.I’llinstructyounottoanswerthequestion,”thejudgesaidas

hegazedtowardJackson.

Wow,Kurtcameprepared.Hell,heevenhadalistofnamesmentallyprepared.

Theprosecutingattorneyturnedawayfromthelectern,staredatthefloorforamoment,andeventuallyturnedtofacethewitness.

“Theclubyouwereafullypatchedinmemberof,Hell’sFury,woulditsufficetosaythiswasanOutlawMotorcycleGang,orOMGastheJusticeDepartmentlabelsthem?”theprosecutorasked.

Kurtstoodfromhisseat.

“Iobjectyourhonor;

onthesamegrounds.Theclubinmentionisnotontrial,andnowthattheeversograciousprosecutorhasopenedthegate,I’llstepthroughit,”hegrowled.

“Thewitnessisnotontrialyourhonor,asamatteroflaw,theprosecution’steamofATFagentsare.Thistrial

wasawardedonthegroundsofpotentialentrapmentbyATFagents.Asamatteroflaw,thewitnesssitsbeforeusaguiltymannotaninnocentone.Hisguiltisnotinquestion.WhatisinquestioniswhetherornottheATFentrappedhimtocommitthecrimehewaschargedwithin

theindictment.And,withallduerespect,asamatteroflaw,whentheissueofentrapmentisraised,theburdenofproofswitchestotheprosecutiontoprovethedefendantwasnotentrapped,”Kurtexplainedinaveryclearlyspokentone.

“And,asamatterof

law,heistobeconsideredentrappeduntiltheprosecutionprovesotherwise.InSorrellsversustheUnitedStatestheentrapmentdoctrinewascoveredindetail,andtheSupremeCourtrespondedtotheissueofentrapmentmorerecently-andquiteclearly-in

JacobsonversustheUnitedStates,yourhonor,”hecontinued.

Theprosecutorthrewhishandsintotheaircomically.

“Yourhonor,nowthatentrapmentseemstobethesubjectinquestion,andcertainlydefensecounsel’s

onlyhopeatwinningthiscase,Iwillaskthatthecourtreconsiderallowingmetoquestionthewitnessinregardtohisclubname.Predispositionisrequiredtoprovethedefendantwasnotentrapped,andhisclubname,initself,isproofofpredisposition,”the

prosecutorbellowed.

“Yourhonor,anameisproofofverylittle,andapredispositiontocommitmurdercomingfromanameisalinethatcannotbedrawn,nomatterwhodrawsit,”Kurtsaidsternly.

“Counsel,”thejudgesaidsternlywhilefacingthe

prosecutor.

“Andcounsel,”hesaidasheturnedhisheadtofaceKurt.

“Iaskyoubothtoapproach.Iwillnotallowabattleofwitsinmycourtroom,”hesaidfirmly.

“Whatthefuck’sgoingon?”Iwhisperedto

Avery.

“Kurt’spissed.Thiscaseisaboutentrapment,”shewhispered,“Whentheentrapmentdefenseisraised,itchangesthecasecompletely.Theburdenofproofshiftstotheprosecutiontoprovethedefendantwasn’tentrapped;it’snolongera

requirementforthedefendanttodoanythingtoprovehisinnocence,ortotryandprovehewasentrapped.It’sassumedassoonasthesubjectisraisedontherecordthathewasentrapped.”

“IthinkIunderstand,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.

Sheplacedherhand

onmyshoulderandleanedclosertomyearasshewhispered,“It’ssimple.TheappealscourtsawenoughevidencetobelievethepossibilityexistedthatthegovernmententrappedSyd’sbrothertocommitthecrime.Ifit’spossiblethathewasentrapped,andthejudge

agrees,allofasuddenhe’sguiltyofthecrime.But,hisguiltisaresultofthegovernmentcoercing,inducing,orenticinghimtocommitthecrime.Sonow,thegovernmentmustprovetheydidn’tcoerce,induce,orenticehim.Iftheycan’tprovetheydidn’t,thenthe

jurymustseeitastheydid.And,iftheyseeitthatway,he’snotguilty.”

“Okay,thatmakesalittlemoresense.What’sthejudgedoing?”IaskedasIleanedtowardher.

“He’schewingtheirassesoutforgoingateachotherinhiscourtroom.

Federalcourtisafarmoreformalapproachthanstateorcitycourt.Federaljudgesdon’ttakeshit,andtheydon’tallowanydisrespectintheircourtroom.Heprobablysawtheirlittletiradeasdisrespectful.He’llsetthemstraightandthey’llloosenupalittlebit.I’mgoingtoguess

theprosecutorisaboutdone.He’sfrustrated,”shesaid.

Inoddedmyheadandsatupstraightintheseat.AsKurtwalkedawayfromthejudgeandtowardhisseat,theprosecutorwalkedtothelectern,grippedthesidesinhishands,andsighed.

“Onthedateofthe

instantoffense,didyoustateyourwillingnesstokillamemberormembersofarivalclub,namelytheShovelheadsMC?”theprosecutorasked.

“Yes,but…”Jacksonbegan.

“Yesorno?”theprosecutorinterrupted.

“Yes,Idid.But…”Jacksoncontinued.

ThejudgeturnedtowardJacksonandspokequietly.

Jacksonloweredhisheadshamefully.Afterashortpause,helookedupandanswered.

“YesIdid,”Jackson

responded.

“Nofurtherquestions,”theprosecutorhissedashereleasedhisgriponthelectern.

Theprosecutorcrossedhisarms,studiedJacksonforamoment,andsighed.

“Yourwitness,”the

judgesaidasheturnedtowardKurt.

Kurtstood,walkedtothelectern,andsighedloudlyasheshookhishead.

“Onthedayoftheinstantoffense,hadyoubeendrinking?”heasked.

“YesSir,”Jacksonresponded.

“Priortoyourtakingthefirstdrink,didATFagentBlackburn,actinginthecapacityasoneofyourMCbrethren,askyouwhatyou’ddoiftheShovelheadstriedtoclaimyourterritory?”heasked.

“YesSir,”Jacksonresponded.

“Andyourresponsewaswhat?”heasked.

“IsaidIdidn’tknow,”heresponded.

Kurtnoddedhishead.

“Anddidhethenaskyouifyou’dkillthem?”heasked.

“Hedid,yes.Idon’tknow,maybethirtyminutes

later,”Jacksonresponded.

“Andyourresponse?”Kurtasked.

“Isaidno,”heresponded.

“Didhecontinuetoaskyouthesamequestionortypesofquestions?”Kurtasked.

Jacksonnoddedhis

head,“Yeshedid.”

“So,youtestifiedamomentagothatyou’dbeendrinking.Howmanydrinkswouldyousayyouconsumedoverthecourseofthenight?”Kurtasked.

“Idon’tknow,maybesixshotsofwhiskeyandtenortwelvebeers,”Jackson

responded.

“Wow,quiteanight,”Kurtchuckled.

Jacksonnoddedhishead.

“Wereyouintoxicated?”Kurtasked.

Theprosecutorstoodfromhisseatandtossedhishandsintheair.“Iobject

yourhonor.Thewitnessisnotaspecialistonintoxication,norwasheableatthetimetoperformabloodalcoholleveltestorabreathalyzertest.Totestifyastohistoxicitylevelwouldbenothingmorethanasheerguessatbest.”

“Rephrasethe

questionorchangeyourlineofquestioning,”thejudgewarned.

Kurtnoddedhishead.

“HowmanytimeswouldyousaytheundercoverATFagent,whoyoubelievedtobeabrotherinyourMC,askedyouifyou’dkillamemberoftheShovelheads?”

Kurtasked.

“Sixoreight,”Jacksonresponded.

“Nolessthansix?”Kurtasked.

Jacksonshookhishead.

“Youknow,I’vehadseveralyearstothinkaboutthis.It’sreallybotheredme.I

cancountsixtimesinmyheadforsure.Forabsolutesure.AndIknowtherewereothers,butthemoreIdrank,thedrunkerIbecame.Soformetotestifyunderoathtoanexactnumberwouldbealie.Heaskednolessthansixtimes,”Jacksonnodded.

“Didyouknowagent

BlackburnwasanATFagentatthistime?”Kurtasked.

“NoSir.”

“Didyouviewthemembersofyourclubasbrothers?”Kurtasked.

Jacksonnodded,“YesSir.Isuredid.”

“Family?”Kurtasked.

“YesSir,Idid.They

weremyfamily,”Jacksonresponded.

“Mr.Shephard,whereisyourmothertoday?”Kurtasked.

Jacksonshookhishead,“She’sdead,Sir.ShepassedawaywhenIwasaveryyoungboy.”

“I’msorrytohear

that.Andyourfather?”Kurtasked.

“Thesame,Sir.Hepassedatthesametime.Igrewupinorphanagesandeventuallyinafosterhomewithmyonlysibling,mysister,”Jacksonresponded.

“I’msorryforyourlosses,”Kurtpausedand

appearedtowipehiseyeswiththetipsofhisfingers.

“WoulditsufficetosaytheclubandyourMCbrothersweretheonlyfamilyyouhad?”Kurtasked.

“YesSir.Themandmysister,”Jacksonnodded.

“AndyouperceivedagentBlackburnasa

brother?”Kurtasked.

Jacksonshiftedhisgazetowardtheprosecution’stable,wheretheagentwasseated.Aftershakinghisheadfromside-to-sideslightly,heresponded,“YesSir,Idid.”

“Tothebestofyourknowledge,aretheShovelheadsMCa1%er

club?”Kurtasked.

Jacksonnoddedhishead,“YesSir,theyare.”

Kurtnoddedhisheadashereleasedthelectern.Hesteppedtothesideslightlyandrubbedhisjawwithhisthumbandforefingers.

“AndHell’sFurywasalsoa1%erclub?”Kurt

asked.

“YesSir,wewere,”Jacksonresponded.

“Whena1%clubwhohasclaimedterritory-forthissakeI’llcallthemtheparentclub-hasanotherclubrideintotheterritorywithoutpermission,wearingtheircolorsincludingalower

rockerclaimingthesameterritory,howdoestheparentclubperceivethistrespass?”Kurtasked.

Averyslappedherhandagainstmybicep.

“Youseewhathe’sdoing?”shewhispered.

Inoddedmyhead.“Shhh.”

“Asdisrespectful.Asathreat,”Jacksonresponded.

“Athreat?”Kurtaskedasifhewereshocked.

Averyslappedmyarmagain.

“YesSir.”

“Andwhena1%clubmakesathreat,whatmightthatthreatinclude,generally

speaking?”Kurtasked.

“Violence,”Jacksonshrugged.

“Violence.Isee.Letmebackupalittlebit,towherewewerebefore.Thisclub,theHell’sFury,thesefellaswereyourfamily,isthatcorrect?”Kurtasked.

“YesSir,”Jackson

nodded.

“Isee.AndwhenagentBlackburnaskedyouwhatyou’ddoiftheycameintoyourterritory,wearingalowerrockerclaimingTexasasifittheirown,whatwasyourfear,ifany?”Kurtasked.

Averyslappedher

handagainstmyarmagain.IglancedtowardSydney,whowasseatedonmyrightside.ShesatbetweenToadandIstaringstraightahead,waitingforherbrother’sresponse.AsAverygrippedmyleftarminherhand,Sydney’sbrotherresponded.

“Theywerearival

club,alwayscausingproblemsandtalking…”Jacksonpausedandturnedtowardthejudge.

ThejudgelookeddownatJacksonandnoddedhishead.

“Talkingshit.Sayingtheyweregoingtodothis,anddothat.Iftheyrodein

wearingtheircolors,Iguessmyfearwasthatthey’dprobablykillus,oratleasttry,”Jacksonresponded.

“So,youreventualresponsetoATFagentBlackburnwasonemoreofprotectionthanofaggression,wasitnot?”Kurtasked.

“Objection,your

honor.He’sleadingthewitness,”theprosecutorhollered.

“Granted.Rephraseyourquestion,”thejudgesaid.

Averysqueezedmyarm.

“Whydidyoueventuallyrespondinthe

manneryoudidtotheATFagent?Agreeingthatyou’dkillmembersoftheShovelheadsiftheycametotown?”Kurtasked.

Jacksongrinnedslightly.

“Ididn’trealizehewasanagent.Atthetime,hewasabrother,partofmy

family.AndmyfearwasthattheShovelheadsMCmighthurthimorsomeofmyotherbrothers.MythoughtsatthetimewerethatIneededtoprotectmyfamily,”Jacksonresponded.

“Youronlyfamily?”Kurtasked.

“YesSir,myonly

family,”Jacksonresponded.

Averyreleasedmyarmfromhergrip.

“Fuckyes,”shewhisperedassheslappedherhandagainstmythigh.

“Nofurtherquestionsforthiswitness,yourhonor,”Kurtsaidflatly.

Iturnedtowardthe

prosecutor,whoslowlystoodfromhisseat.

“Theprosecutionrests,yourhonor,”theprosecutorstated.

“Yourhonor,Ihaveonlyonewitnesstoquestion.Inlieuofarecess,andinanefforttopleasethecourt,mayIcallmywitnessandpossibly

wrapthisup?”Kurtasked.

“One?”thejudgeasked.

“YesSir,”Kurtresponded.

Thejudgeturnedtowardtheprosecutor.Theprosecutorshruggedhisshoulders.

“Ihaveno

objections,”theprosecutorsighed.

“Verywell.Mytime,thecourt’stime,isprecious.Inanefforttoexpeditethistrial,wewillcontinue.Callyourwitness,”thejudgestated.

“Yourhonor,IcallSpecialAgentRandall

Blackburn,”Kurtsaidasheturnedtofacetheagent.

“Ohyeah.Thisisgoingtobegood,”Averywhispered.

Personally,Icouldn’timagineitbeinganybetterthanitwas.IrealizedIdidn’tfullyunderstandalloftheintricaciesofthelawtheway

Averydid,butfromwhatI’dseen,Kurtwasbutcheringtheprosecution.Hiswayofobtainingtheanswershewantedfromthewitnesseswaswithoutmuchfault.

“Let’stakeatenminuterecessforthebathroom,”thejudgesaidashelookedupattheclock.

“2:13.Iaskthateveryonereturntomycourtroomnolaterthan2:13,”thejudgesaidashestudiedtheclock.

“Ijustwantthistobeover,”SydneysighedastheUSMarshallledthejuryfromtheroom.

“It’llbeoverpretty

soon,”Iresponded.

“ThosefuckingATFagents,”Axtonwhispered.

IturnedtomylefttofaceAxtonandleanedforward,restingmyhandsonmythighs.

“Rottenpricks.I’dliketolineeveryoneofthemup,anddotheworldafavor

bykillingeachandeveryoneof‘em,”hehissed.

“Becareful,”IwhisperedasIraisedoneeyebrowandglancedalongtheranksofSinnersseatedinthecourtroom,“theremightbeoneamongstus.”

“Notinmyclub,”hesaidasheshookhishead,“I

guaranteeit.”

OTISWithashavedhead,atwelveinchlongbeard,andhisarmscoveredintattoos,Special

AgentBlackburnappearedtobeabiker,notanATFagent.Sittingonthewitnessstand,helookedlikehewaspulledfromtheyardinprison,fittedwithsomefancydressclothes,andplacedinthecourtroom.Studyinghimcausedmetorealizehowlittleapersonreallyknows

aboutwhoitisathisside.

“AgentBlackburn,howmanyyearshaveyoubeenwiththeATF,asanagent?”Kurtasked.

“Eighteen,”Blackburnresponded.

Inyoureighteenyears,haveyouworkedinthefieldinanundercover

capacity?”Kurtasked.

“Yes,mostofmycareerhasbeenundercover,”Blackburnnodded.

“Generallyspeaking,whenyouworkundercover,doyouwearsomeformofelectroniclisteningdevice-awire?”Kurtasked.

“Wetryto.Itisn’t

somethingthatcanalwaysbedone,butifpossible,yes,”Blackburnrespondedasheadjustedhimselfintheseat.

Kurtnoddedhishead,“Isitdonetopreserve,ormoreaccurately,tosupportyourinvestigation?”

Blackburnsatupstraightinhisseatandspoke

directlyintothemicrophone,“Yes.Therecordingssupporttheagent’stestimony,andprovidecorroborationincourtoftheeventsdescribedintheinvestigationandinthedailyreports.”

“Sowearingawiresoundslikeit’saproceduralmatter.Isthatcorrect?”Kurt

askedashesteppedtothesideofthelectern.

“YesSir,itis,”Blackburnresponded.

“Thankyouforclearingthatup,SpecialAgentBlackburn,”Kurtsaidinasomewhatsarcastictoneashetookasteptowardthewitnessstand.

Kurtsteppedtothesideofthelecternandplacedhishandsonhiships.“HowmanytimesdidyouaskthedefendantifhewouldretaliateagainsttheHell’sFurybeforeherespondedinamannercontrarytolaw?”

“Two,”Blackburnrespondedinamatteroffact

tone.

“Two?”Kurtasked,thetoneofhisvoicefilledwithannoyance.

“Yes,two,”Blackburnnodded.

Kurtslowlyraisedhishandsintheairandturnedhispalmsoutward,“Notsixoreight?”

“NoSir.Two,”Blackburnsaidflatly.

Kurtshruggedhisshouldersslightlyandtookanothersteptowardthewitnessstand,“Areyoucertain?”

“Very,”Blackburnresponded.

Kurtnoddedhishead

asifacceptingBlackburn’sresponseasaccurate.

“I’vereadthetranscriptsfromtheoriginaltrial.Haveyoumadereferencetothem?”Kurtasked.

“Yes,yesIhave,”Blackburnstated.

“Yourinitial

testimonywasthesame?Two?”Kurtaskedasifheknewtheanswer,butsimplysoughtconfirmation.

“YesSir,”Blackburnrespondedashereachedfortheglassofwatersittinginfrontofhim.

Kurtturnedawayfromthewitnessstand,and

slowlybegantotakethetwoorthreestepstowardthelectern,facingthejuryashespoke,“AsanATFagent,youreceivetraininginregardtolaw,doyounot?”

Blackburnnoddedhishead,“Some,yes.”

“Trainingtoassureyouwillfollowpoliciesand

proceduresinaccordancewithlaw,andnotcontrarytoit,correct?”heaskedashereachedthelectern.

“Thatiscorrect,”Blackburnrespondedasheloweredtheglassofwatertotheplatforminfrontofhim.

“Wouldtworequests,withthesecondresponseby

thedefendantbeingcontrarytolaw,inyourprofessionaltrainedopinion,legallydefinecoercion,inducement,orenticement?”Kurtasked.

Blackburnshookhisheadandchuckled,“NoSir,itsurewouldn’t.Absolutelynot.Askinghimtwiceisnotcoercionorinducement.”

“Outofcuriosity,ifthatnumberwassixoreight,woulditdefinecoercion?”Kurtasked.

Afterashorthesitation,Blackburnrespondedasheleanedtowardthemicrophone,“Itmay.”

“Andyourlengthy

trainingwiththeATFincludedinstructionsandtrainingnottobadger,coerce,induce,orenticealawabidingcitizentocommitacrime,correct?”Kurtasked.

“Thatiscorrect,”Blackburnnodded.

“Underoath,thedefendantstatedhewasasked

nolessthansixtimes.Youhavestatedyouaskedhimtwice.Accordingtoyourearliertestimony,sixwoulddefinecoercion,inducement,andorentrapment,andyoumerelyaskedhimtwice.I’mwondering,areyoutellingthetruthorishe?”Kurtaskedflatly.

“Objection!”theprosecutorhowled.

“Counsel…”thejudgesaidflatly.

“I’lladviseyounottoanswerthequestion,”thejudgestatedasheturnedtowardthewitness.

Thejudgeturnedtowardthejury.

“Beitknownthewitnessisunderoathandsworntotellthetruth,”thejudgesaid.

“HowlongwasyourinvestigationoftheHell’sFury?”Kurtasked.

“Twoyearsandonemonth,”Blackburnresponded.

“Andinthattime,twenty-fivemonths,howmanyarrestsweremade?”Kurtasked.

“One,”Blackburnsighed.

“One?Atwenty-fivemonthlonginvestigationofanOutlawMotorcycleGang,anditonlyproducedone

arrest?”Kurtasked.

“Yes,”Blackburnrespondedashecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischest.

“DidtheATFmakeadecisionnottoprosecutetheothercases?”Kurtasked.

“Therewerenoothercases,”Blackburnsaidunderhisbreath.

“Yousuccessfullyinfiltratedanoutlawgangofmotorcyclethugsfortwenty-fivemonths,andproducedthisasyouronlycase?Seemsmoreliketheywereagroupofgoodoldboys,notanOMG,”Kurtsaidflatly.

“Yourhonor,Iobject.Itappearsthedefensecounsel

haschosentoprovidehisowntestimony,”theprosecutorsnapped.

“I’llaskthejurytostrikethelaststatementmadebytheprosecutor.Counsel,youhavebeenwarned,”thejudgesaidasheraisedhisindexfingerintheair.

Kurtleanedontothe

lecternandpressedhischestontotheplatform.NowstaringattheATFagent,heclearedhisthroat.

Averyslappedmyarmandwhisperedintomyear,“He’sgoingtomakeapoint.Hewantsthejury’sattention.”

“Indiscovery,I

requestedthevoicerecordingoftheconversationonthenightoftheinstantoffence.Iwasadviseditdidnotexistinlegibleformat.Areyouawareofthelackofavailabilityofsaidrecording?”Kurtasked.

“YesSir,Iam.Unfortunately,therecordingdevicedidnotworkproperly

onthatevening,andbackgroundnoisemadetherecordingworthless,”Blackburnresponded.

“Iwasprovidedrecordedconversationsbeforeandafterthedateinquestion.Infact,Ihaveafewhundredhoursofrecordedconversations.Almostfour

hundredhoursifmemoryservesmecorrectly.Now,myquestiontoyouisasfollows…”Kurtpausedandturnedtofacethejury.

“AgentBlackburn,howmanyconversationsthroughthecourseoftheinvestigationwereunintelligible,tothebestof

yourknowledge,thatis?”Kurtaskedashecontinuedtofacethejury.

“One,”Blackburnbreathed.

Kurtturnedtowardthewitnessstand,“I’msorry,Ididn’thearyourresponse.Canyouspeakintothemicrophone?”

Blackburnleanedforwardandbreathedintothemicrophone,“One.”

Kurtnoddedhisheadandchuckledlightly.

“I’mcurious.Duringyourinfiltrationofthegroupofoutlawbikers,didyougivethemyouractualname?”heasked.

“No,”Blackburnchuckled.

“Didyoumakeoneup?”Kurtasked.

“Yes,Idid,”Blackburnresponded.

“Didyougivethemanaccuratehistoryofwhoyouwere?”Kurtasked.

“NoSir,Iprovided

fictitiousinformation.InformationbelievedtobemoreacceptabletothetypeofpeopleIwasinvestigating,”Blackburnsaid.

“Soyoulied.Youtoldliestothebikerstogetthemtoeitherlikeyouoracceptyou,isthatcorrect?”Kurtasked.

“Iobject!”theprosecutorbellowedashestoodfromhisseat.

“Yourhonor,”Kurtsighed,“Thewitnessstatedheprovidedinaccurateinformationtothegroupduringhisinvestigation.I’msimply…”

“I’llrephrasethe

question,”Kurtsaidashegrippedtheedgesofthelecterninhismassivehands.

“Wastheinformationyouprovidedthebikersregardingyourbackgroundandornamethetruth?”Kurtasked.

“No,”Blackburnsighed.

“Wasitalie?”Kurtasked.

“Objection,yourhonor,”theprosecutorsaidashestood.

“I’llallowit,butyoushallmakeyourpointinatimelymanner,counsel,”thejudgesaid.

“Yes,”Blackburnsaid

asheleanedintothebackofhisseat.

“Explainyourthoughtprocesstomeonlyingtothesemenduringtheinvestigation.Whywouldyoufeelcompelledtotellthemlies?”Kurtsaidashesteppedtothesideofthelecternandraisedhishandto

hischin.

Blackburnturnedtofacethejudge.Thejudgeinturnnoddedhishead.BlackburnthenturnedtowardKurt,whowasnowstudyingthejury.

“Topreservetheinvestigation,wearetaughttogiveeitherlimited

information,orfalseinformation.Itprovidesprotectiontothebureauandtotheagent,”Blackburnresponded.

“You’retaughttolieduringyourinvestigations?”Kurtasked.

Blackburnglancedtowardthejudge.Thejudge

noddedhishead.

“Yes,”Blackburngrunted.

“So,throughthecourseofyourwork,youmaytellalie,butit’snotnecessarilyalieinaconventionalsense,becauseyou’reworking,correct?”Kurtasked.

“Objection,yourhonor,askedandanswered,”theprosecutorhollered.

“I’llallowit,”thejudgesaid.

Kurtturnedtowardthejuryandspokeashecontinuedtostareatthejury.

“I’llaskthequestionagain.Throughthecourseof

yourwork,youmaytellalie,butit’snotnecessarilyalieinaconventionalsense,becauseyou’reworking,correct?”heaskedwithoutturningawayfromthejury.

“Correct,we’reoftenrequiredtolie,asyousay,topreservetheinvestigation,”Blackburnresponded.

“Areyoubeingpaidforyourtestimonytoday,agentBlackburn?”Kurtasked.

Blackburnsatstonefacedanddidn’tanswer.

“Youmustnothaveheardme,”KurtsaidasheturnedfromfacingthejurytofacingBlackburn.

“Youtestifiedthatyoutoldliesthroughthecourseofyourworktopreservetheinvestigation.Myquestionwasthis:Areyoubeingpaidforyourtestimonytoday?Areyouworking?”Kurtasked.

“Yes,Iam,”Blackburngrunted.

“Nofurtherquestions,”Kurtsaidasheturnedaway.

“Boom!”Averywhisperedassheslappedmyknee.

Aftertwoshortclosingarguments,andthejudgeprovidingthejurywithaninstructionbooklet,the

jurywasreleasedtotheirdeliberationroom.Aftertheywerecarefullytuckedaway,weweredismissed.AswefilteredintothehallamidsttheATFagentsandUSMarshals,Axtonsteppedtomyside.

“Prettygoodtrial,thatattorney’sonthefucking

ball,”Axtonsaid.

“Goddamnedrightheis,”Averysnappedback.

“Sowhatnow?”Sydneyasked.

IreachedoverandpattedSydneyontheshoulder.Shelookedexhausted,andIsuspectedsheprobablydidn’tsleepat

allthepreviousnight.Toadalsolookedasifhehadn’tsleptforafewdays,andappearedtobeonanentirelydifferentplanet.

“Thejurydeliberates.Theyreadtheinstructions,andtheydecideguiltorinnocence.ThecourtwillcallKurtwhenadecisionis

made,andhe’llcallus.It’s3:30now,sohe’llprobablydismissthejuryat4:45.There’sreallynothingthatwillhappentonight.Sometimesittakessixoreighthours,andothertimesittakestwoorthreedays.Youneverknow,”Averyexplainedasshewalked

aroundmeandtowardSydney.

“Ijust.Iwantthistobeover.Ifeelsosorryforhim.Ihateforhimtogethishopesupandthen,youknow…”Sydneyshrugged.

IwatchedasSinnersgotontheelevatoreightortenatatime,andwentdown

towhatIassumedwasthegroundfloor.Severalotherstookthestairs,talkingquietlyastheydidso.IturnedtoAxtonandshruggedmyshoulders.

“Slice,IfeellikeI’vebeenontrial;thatwasfuckingexhausting.What’stheplan,boss?”Iasked.

“Hell,Ihadnoideawhenwe’dgetoutofhere,lookslikewe’vegottheafternoontoourselves.Hell,thesunsshiningandit’sabeautifulfuckingday.Whatdoyousaywegatherupthefellasandgoterrorizeabar?”hesaid.

“Wegorollingin

sixtydeep,everyonewearingtheircuts,andthey’llthinkwe’regonnashoottheplacetopieces,”Ilaughed.

“Let‘emthinkwhattheywant,”Axtonshrugged.

“Soundsgoodtome,”Inodded.

“Upforabeer,Toad?”IaskedasIslapped

Toadontheshoulder.

“I’mupforwhatever.I’mjustfuckingtired,brother.Haven’tbeensleepingforshit,beenworriedaboutSyd’sbrotherandall,”Toadnodded.

Wehadn’tbeeninthehallwaytenorfifteenminutes,andKurtstepped

intothecorridor,holdinghisphoneinhishand.

“Jury’sreachedaverdict,”Kurtsaid.

“What?”Averysnappedasshespunaround.

Kurtnoddedhishead,“They’llbebringingthembackin.”

“Holyshit,”Avery

saidunderherbreath.

Sydneycoveredhermouthwithherhandsandspokebetweenherfingers,“Avery,what’sthismean?”

“Well,theysayaverdictlikethismeansonlyonething.Thejurydecidedthecaselongbeforetheytrialwasover.Justtakeadeep

breath,eitherway,it’llbefine,Syd,”AverysaidassheleanedoverandhuggedSydney.

Thefewofuswhoremainedinthehallwaywalkedbackintothecourtroomandsatdownwhilewewaitedforthejudgetoentertheroom.Afterabout

atenminutewait,thejudgeentered,andwestoodandafterhewasseated,weallsatdown.InsteadofsixtySinners,therewasmaybefifteenorsoseated.TheATFagentswatchingthetrial,however,remainedinfullforce.AsIglanceddowntherowofSinners,Iwatchedas

AxtongaveonebeardedATFagenttheshittieststinkeyeI’veeverwitnessed.OnlyaftertheATFagentbrokethestaredidAxtonleanintothebackofhisseatandexhale.

“Counsel,pleasestand,”thejudgeinstructed.

Theprosecutionanddefenseattorneysstood.

“Iwantitunderstoodtherewillbenooutburstsinthecourtroom,regardlessoftheverdict,”thejudgesaidfirmlyashestudiedthegroup.

Inoddedmyhead.

Thejudgeturnedtowardthejury.

“Hasthejuryreached

averdict?”thejudgeasked.

“Yes,yourhonor,wehave,”theforemanresponded.

Ireachedtomyleftandright,andafteramomentoffumbling,grabbedbothSydney’sandAvery’shandsandheldthemfirmly.

“Inthematterof

JacksonShephardversustheUnitedStatesofAmerica,whatsayyou?”thejudgeasked.

“InthematterofJacksonShephardversustheUnitedStates,wethejury,findhimnotguilty;ashewasentrappedbytheATFtocommitthecrimelistedinthe

indictment,yourhonor,”theforepersonresponded.

Holyfuckingshit.Kurtreacheddown

andpattedJacksonontheshoulder.Asthejudgequestionedeachjurorregardingtheirfinding,Sydneyleanedforward.Tearsstreamedfromherfaceasshe

madeafewattemptstospeak.Aftercollectingherself,shebegantowhispertoAvery,whowasbouncingherrightlegahundredmilesanhour.

“Whatnow?”Sydneyblubbered,“Howlong…uhhm…howlongdoeshe….uhhm…gobacktoprisonfor?”

“Hedoesn’tgobacktoprison,”Averyresponded,“Hegoeshome.He’sfree.”

“Hedoesn’thave…”Sydneysobbed,“Hedoesn’t…uhhm,hedoesn’thaveahome.”

“Thehellhedoesn’t.We’vegottwoextrarooms.He’sgotahome,”Toadsaid.

Andhe’sgotafamily.

Mostofthemareoutinthestreet,andtherestarerighthere.

OTISFeelingsomewhatfrustratedAxtonandToadhadwomenintheirlives,andBiscuitwasarguablyclosebehindwith

Kat-whileIcontinuedtolivealifeofsolitude-Isatatmykitchentablesippingacupofcoffee.

WonderingifmywayoflivinglifeandtheprecautionsItookregardingoutsiderswaspossiblyalittlestricterthanitshouldbe,Istaredblanklythrough

windowandintomybackyard.AttemptedtocountthepossibilitiesIhadovertheyearsofwomenIfeltcomfortableallowingintomylife-butdidn’t-Isearchedmymindforthosewhohadescapedme.Afteranentirecupofcoffeeworthofconsideration,Icameupwith

onewomaninfifteenyears.

Avery.Avery’sparticipation

duringourbotchedgundealwiththeMS-13,alongwithherquickthinking,reacting,andaccuracywithahandgunnotonlysavedmylife,butprovidedmewithallthereassuranceIneededto

understandshewasawomanwhoIcouldtrust.LookingatAverywithabroaderfieldofvisionprovidedaviewofawomanwhowasconfident,intelligent,brave,beautiful,andresponsible.PriortoAxton’sacceptanceofherintohislife,Iconsideredinvitingherintomine.After

Axton’sclaimedherashisOl’Lady,shebecameofflimits,andnowremainednothingmorethanaclosefriend.

Realizingtherewasonewomanthroughthecourseoffifteenyearswhoprovidedmewithalevelofcomfortgreatenoughto

allowmetoletmyguarddownwasnowherenearreassuring.Infact,themoreIthoughtaboutit,thecleareritbecame.

MylifewasoneIwaslivingnotforme,butforthebettermentandthesecurityoftheSelectedSinnersMC.

Ihadbeenintheclub

sincethebeginning,andalthoughIwasn’tclosefriendswitheverymember,IviewedeachandeveryoneoftheSinnersasabrother.AftermovingmefromSergeant-At-ArmstoVicePresident,IfullyunderstoodIwasnolongerresponsiblefortheirprotectionasfarastheclub

wasconcerned,butreleasingmefromtheresponsibilitycompletelywasimpossible.

Theclubwasfamilytomenodifferentlythanmyfatherandmotherwere,andIwasnaturallyaprotectorofwhatIlovedandcherished.LivingthelifeofaSinnerallowedmetounderstandthe

camaraderiesharedbymilitarymemberswhohadspenttimeincombattogether.Beingamemberoftheclubwasnotmuchdifferent.Knowingabrotherhadmybackwasreassuring,comforting,andprovidedanoddsenseofbalancetoanotherwiseaskewlifeIseemed

tolive.

IgazeddownintotheemptycupofcoffeeandbegantowonderifforfeitingaconventionalwayoflifewassomethingIwaswillingtodo.Theanswerwasasclearastheblueskyoutside-Ihadalreadydoneit.Consciouslyornot,Ihadcast

asideanythingconventionaltoprotectthelivesandpreservetherightsofmybelovedbrothers.TheSinnersweremyfamily,andmorethanlikelytheonlyloveIwouldeverknow.

Istoodfrommyseatandwalkedtothekitchensink.Afterrinsingthecupof

coffeeandplacingitinthedishwasher,Iwalkedtomybedroomandgrabbedmycut.MythoughtsofSamandtheuntimelydeathofhermotherhadbeguntofade,buttheeventopenedmyeyesandallowedmetohaveabetterunderstandingofmyself,mylife,andmytruelove.

TheSelectedSinners.

Iopenedthedoortothegarageandpressedthebuttononthewalltoopenthedoorleadingtothedriveway.Istoodonthestepsandglancedaround.Anobviousextensionofmeandmybeliefs,thegaragewasfilledwithtoolsandequipmentfor

workingonbikes,mytwomotorcycles,andmy1969Z-28Camaro.Nosecondcar,noflowerpotsorplanters,andnoindicationofanyinterestsotherthanthecarandbikes.Satisfiedmylifewaswhatitwasmeanttobe,Igrinnedandfiredupthebike.Asthemotorwarmed

uptooperatingtemp,thelowrumbleoftheexhaustfilledmewithpleasure.Ridingamotorcyclewasn’tsomethingImerelyenjoyed,itwaspartofmybeing.EachtimeIrodewasasexcitingasthefirst,andforthatIwasextremelygrateful.Ifridingamotorcycleeverbecame

boring,Isuspectedmylifewouldbecomethesame.

Irodetotheclubhouse,enjoyingthesunsetagainstthefewcloudsthathaddevelopedalongthewesternsky.Withthewarmsummerairagainstmyface,Igazedaheadattheslightcurveinthehighwayleading

intotown.Theemptyhighwayinvitedmetotwistbackthethrottle,andIdidsowithoutreservation.Nowheadingintothecurveateightymilesperhour,Ileanedthebiketomyleft,draggingthetoeofmybootagainstthepassingpavementasIdidso.Thetipsofmy

bootsactedasameasuringstickofsortsforhowfartoleanmybike,anddoingsountilmybootsdrugagainsttheroadprovidedmeasenseofworth.Asthecurvestraightenedintoopenroad,Ileanedright,bringingthebikebacktoupright.

Inthedistance,a

tractorcrossingthehighwayremindedmeofthesummersooncomingtoaclose,afarmerobviouslyspendingasmanydaylighthoursaspossibleharvestinghiscrops,heattemptedtocrosstheroadbeforeIarrivedattheintersection.Idownshifted,releasedtheclutchand

grinnedatthesoundbellowingfromtheexhaust.Asthedistancebetweenmeandthetractorquicklydecreased,Idownshiftedagain,thenagain,almostcomingtoastopbeforethetractorcompletelycrossedtheroad.Asmybikeslowedtoanalmoststop,thefarmer

reachedoutthesidewindowofthetractorandwaved,obviouslyrealizinghispoorjudgementincrossingtheroadinfrontofme.

Iliftedmylefthand,waved,andtwistedthethrottle.Asthebikequicklyaccelerated,Ishiftedthroughthegearsuntilonceagain

reachingtheeightymileperhourmark.Aquickglanceinmyrearviewmirrorrevealedadustcloudfollowingthefarmer’stractordownthecountyroadhetraveledalong.

AsIconsideredthathewasprobablygoinghometoalatedinner,thoughtsof

havingawomaninmylifebegantorunthroughmyheadandfilledmyminduntilIrodeintotown.StrugglingwithwhetherornotI’deverbeabletocomehometoaprepareddinner,underanotherperson’sexpectationofdoingso,Isloweddownforthefirsttrafficlight.

Isatatthelight,gazingblanklyintotheroadahead,asanoldschoolHarleyapproachedthelightintheoncominglane.Alate1960’sShovelheadSpringerwithafaceIrecognizedasbeingoneofthelocalPatriotGuardcametoastopinthelaneimmediatelytomyleft.

BillwasaVietnamVet,rodewiththeGuard,andoftenattendedthefuneralsofveteranswhowerebeingprotestedbyPastorFredPhelps’WestboroBaptistChurch;providingalineofseparationbetweentheprotestorsandthefamiliesofthevet.

Asthelightturnedgreen,Billloweredhislefthandtohissideasherodeby.Ididthesame.Somethingassimpleasloweringone’slefthandhadbecometheuniversalbikerwaveovertheyears;andaseasyasitwastodo,noteveryonedidit.Thefewwhodidstoodforone

thingandonethingonly,realizingitwasasbigapartofbeingabikerasanythingelse.Inrecognizingthis,IfeltIhadmyanswertomyabilitytocomehometodinneronanightlybasis.

Theanswerwasno.Andthewavestood

forfreedom.

OTISAxtonheldhishandsintheairashestudiedthegroupofmenassembledintheoffice.Anuneducatedglanceatmy

brothersledmetobelieveifnotallofthemenwereinattendance,almostallofthemwere.Asthecrowdquieteddownfromadullroartocompletesilence,Axtonloweredhishandsandsighed.

“Asyouknowfromtheannouncement,we’regoingtohaveaspecialvote.

Thoseinattendancetonightwillbeconsideredtheentireclub,regardlessofwhetherornotallpatchedmembersareinattendance.Beitknownthatanymembernotinattendancewillforfeittheirvoteinsaidmatter.Icannotvote,norwillIattempttoprejudiceyourthoughtson

this,butweneedtodecideonsomethingthat’sbeenbroughttomyattentionasamotionbyamemberoftheExecutiveCommittee,andwassecondedbyanothermemberofthecommittee.Allrecordsofsaidconversationandmotionwererecordedbyyourstruly,”Axtonextended

hisarmtowardFancy,whogrinnedandraisedhishandasAxtonpointedathim.

“Here’swhatwe’vegot,fellas,”Axtonsaidasheturnedandsurveyedthegroup.

“JacksonShephard,yourSergeant-At-Armsfuturebrother-in-law,andthe

manweallsupportedintrialtheotherday,hasbeenreleasedfromhisformerclubathisrequest.Henowisalocalresident,andliveswithToad.Thebylawsallowforthetransferofafullypatchedmemberofanotherclubintoourclubwithoutprospecting,butitrequiresavoteofone

hundredpercentinagreement.Personally,Ican’tvouchforthisman,butIcansayI’vespokentothePresidentofHell’sFury.Accordingtohim,Jacksonwasnotonlyapatchedinmember,butwassolidasarockthroughouthislegalbattleandincarceration.

Whenmanymenwouldhavedroppedadimeontheirbrothers,hekepthismouthshut.ThevotetonightwillbewhetherornottoallowhimtocomeintotheSinnersasafullypatchedmember.Thiswillbeaprivatevote,andasIsaidearlier,thiswillrequireaonehundredpercentvote,

fellas.Anyquestions?”

“Iain’tsayingIagreeordisagree,andIknowit’sinthebylaws,butjustoutofcuriosity,whywouldn’twehavehimbeaProspect?”Peteasked.

“Respect,”Axtonresponded,“ToadandIdiscussedthisatthemeeting

whenthemotionwasmadetoallowthevote.LetmehaveToadexplaintheanalogywediscussed.”

AxtonturnedtofaceToadandnoddedhishead.

Afterclearinghisthroat,Toadbegan,“Ifaman’sintheArmy,Navy,orAirForce,andhewantsto

transfertobeaMarine,hemustgothroughbasictrainingalloveragain.It’shumbling,andalthoughhemaybeaSergeantorwhateverintheArmy,theMarineCorpswon’tallowhimtocomeinuntilhecompletestheirbasictraining.But,ifaMarine

wantstotransferintoanyotherbranch,hecandosowithoutanyrestrictionsorgoingthroughthebasictrainingofthebranchhe’stransferringintoagain.Basictraining,forthosewhodon’tunderstand,isbasicallybeingaProspectforthemilitary.TheMarinesareviewedby

theotherbranchesofthemilitaryasbeingtrainedinasuperiorfashion,andonceaMarinehascompletedhisProspecting,andreceivedhispatchsotospeak,hecantransfertoanyothermilitarybranch.Ourbylawsarenodifferentthananyother1%clubsbylawsinthisregard.

Weviewanyoneasbeingina1%clubasbeingtrainedinasuperiorfashion,andaskinghimtocompletetheprocessagainisnotonlydisrespectfultohim,butdisrespectfultotheclubheoriginallyprospectedfor.Andthisbylawonlyappliestomemberswhowerereleased

ingoodstanding.”

Pete,aswellasmanyothermeninattendance,noddedtheirheads.Gunner,aformerArmymachinegunner,pointedatToadandnoddedhisheadasToadfinishedhisspeech.

“He’sright,”Gunnernodded,“AMarinecanwalk

inwhereverhewants,butnoonecanwalkintotheCorps.”

ToadglancedatGunnerandstaredforamomentbeforenoddinghishead.Forsomereason,therealwaysseemedtobealittlemilitarytensionbetweenthetwo,andIalwaysdismissedittobeingthedifference

betweenbeingaMarineandbeinganArmysoldier.That,andthefactToaddidn’tparticularlyopenuptojusteveryone.

IpattedToadonthebackandgrinned.

“Goodfuckingspeech,”Ichuckled.

“Appreciateit,Toad.

So,”Axtonsighed,“Fancywillpassaroundslipsofpaper.There’sabouttenpensonthetabletoshare,andtosaveanyconfusion,ayesvotemeansyouagreetoallowhimin,andanovotemeansyoudon’tagree.Ifthere’sonenovote,theanswerisno.Iftheansweris

yes,itwasagreedbytheentireclub,andIwon’tallowanyfuturebitchingorcomplainingabouthimbeingafullypatchedmember.He’spaidhisduesandthensome,hejustdidn’tpay‘emhere.”

Fancybegantopassslipsofpaperthroughthecrowd.Aftereveryonehada

slipofpaper,thepensbegantofloatthroughtheroom.Afterroughlyfiveminutesitwasover,andtheslipsoffoldedpaperwereprovidedtoFancy.

“Officialcountfortheattendance?”Axtonasked.

Fancyglanceddownathisnotepad,“Thirty-four,

includingyou.”

“Counttheslipsasyouread‘emoff,we’llneedthirty-threeforayesdecision.Youcanstopcountingassoonasyoureadoffano,”Axtonexplained,“AndhandtheslipstotheV.P.forconfirmationafteryoureadthemifyouwill.”

Fancynoddedhisheadinmydirection.

“Oneyes.Twoyes.Threeyes.Fouryes.Fiveyes…”Fancysaidasheunfoldedandreadeachvoteindividually.

Afterreadingeachslip,hehandedthemtoToad,whointurnhandedthemto

me.IconfirmedeachslipwasmarkedasFancyindicated,andthenplacedthemonthetableinahelmetsittinginthecenterofthetable.

“Thirty-twoyes,andthelast.Thirtythree,”Fancygrinnedasheunfoldedthelastpieceofpaper.

“Thirty-three’sayes,”

hesaidashehandedthesliptoToad.

InoddedinagreementasToadhandedthesliptome.

“Wellfellas,it’sunanimous.Toad,sendhimatextorcallhimandhavehimgethisassuphere,”Axtonpausedandglancedaround

thegroup.

“Now,allwe’vegottodoisnamethispoorfucker.HisformerclubnamewasKiller,andthatdamnedneargothimlifeinprison.Hedoesn’thaveanyrecommendationsfromwhatBrotherToadhassaid,soI’mopenforsuggestions,”Axton

shrugged.

“IsaywecallhimMeathead.Helookslikeoneofthosemeat-headedfuckersfromthegym.He’sallswoleup,”Petesaidasheraisedhisarmsandflexedhisbiceps.

“WealreadygotaJackandaGovernmentJack,”Knucklelhead

hollered,“IsayweeithercallhimMeatheadorBigJack.He’sabigfuckerforsure.”

“Anyoneelse?”Axtonasked.

“MeatheadremindsmeofthatdumbfuckerontheArchieBunkerT.V.show,Idon’tlikeit.BigJacksoundsgood,butMeathead

justremindsmeofthatbald-headedfuckerontheshow,”Tatersaid.

“Well,noteveryone’sasoldasyou,Tater,”Axtonchuckled,“Anyoneelse?”

“SecondChance,”Gunnerchuckled,“Let’scallhimSecondChance.”

Axtonshookhishead

andgrinned,“Anyoneelse?”

“BigJackisagoodone,”Mikenodded.

“Well,whenhegetshere,we’llsee,”Axtonnodded,“Anyoneelse?”

Afterafewsecondsofsilence,Axtonraisedhishands,“Feelfreetowanderyourassesarounduntilhe

getshere.Youdon’thavetostay,butifyoudo,feelfreetodrinkyourbeersorwhatever.Andremember,don’ttossyouremptiesinmyshitcan.Toss‘emintheshop.”

Asthecrowddiminishedandmemberseitherleftorwanderedintotheshop,ToadandIwereleft

intheofficewithafewotherlingeringmembers.

“You’relookinggood.Looklikeyou’vesleptsinceIsawyoulast,”Isaid.

Toadsighed,“Itellyouwhat,Idon’tthinkIsleptgoodonevenonenightforthetwoweeksbeforethetrial.BetIlosttenpounds.

It’sallgoodnow,andotherthanJackbeingalittleskittishjustcomingoutofprisonandall,he’sadamnedgoodguy.IthoughtCornDogwasbadwhenhegotout,butJack’sprettydamnednervousaboutpeoplegettingupclosetohimorwalkingbehindhim.”

“Yeah,probablythedifferencebetweenbeinginstateprisonandamaximumsecurityfedjoint.I’mgonnaguesshimbeinga1%erandall,heprobablyhadquiteafewpeoplewhotriedtochallengehiswillingnesstostandupagainstthem,”Ishrugged.

Toadnoddedhishead,“Sofar,hehasn’tofferedtotalkaboutitmuch,andSydneyandIdecidednottoask,soI’mnotsure.Heseemsprettyquiet,really.Sydney’ssurehappytohavehimback,that’sforsure.”

Inoddedmyhead,thinkingabouttheday

Sydneyranouttomybikeatthebank.WhensheaskedmetotakehertoBiscuit’shouse,makingthestatementdevillooksafterhisown,Iknewsomethingwasup,Ijustdidn’tknowwhat.Later,whenIfoundoutthebankhadbeenrobbed,andToadhadsinglehandedly

apprehendedtherobber,Iknewshewassomehowinvolvedwiththerobbery.Herreluctancetoprovideanyinformationontherobbery,Toad,oranythingtodowiththepersonwhorobbedthebankcausedmetoimmediatelydevelopafeelingofappreciationforher

andherabilitytokeephermouthshut.

TheexplanationthatfollowedofherbrotherandhisinvolvementwithHell’sFuryexplainedalotaboutherknowledgeofclubs,clubprocedures,andtheimportanceofnottalkingbeforethinkinglongandhard

aboutwhetherornotitwasnecessary.Sydney,nodifferentthanAvery,wasagreatadditiontomyextendedfamily.

“I’mgladhe’sback.It’sgoodforher,that’sforsure.I’msurehe’llmakeasgoodofabrotherforusashehasforher,”Isaid.

Thesoundofabikepullingintothelotechoedthroughtheshopandintotheoffice.IwonderedasthetoneoftheexhaustincreasedifitmightbeJack.

“Imagineso.Well,thatsoundslikemySoftail,maybeweoughttowalkouttotheshopandgreethim.

He’sliabletosmacktheshitoutofsomeoneiftheybumpintohim,”Toadsaidashetiltedhisheadtotheside.

Aswewalkedoutintotheshop,IimmediatelynoticedJacksittingonToad’sSoftailinthedrive.Inboots,jeans,andawifebeater,hesurelookedthepart.Roughly

thesizeofToadfromthewaistdown,itwasapparenthewasn’tnaturallyabigman,andallofhissizecamefromhardworkontheweightbench.

Andsizewassomethinghedidnotlack.AsherecognizedToad,hestoodfromthebikeandstretched

hisback.Hisslimtorsomadehisalreadymassiveupperbodyappeartobetwicethesizeitalreadywas.Hisshortblondehairandtanfromallofthetimehe’dspentontheyardatprisonmadehimlooklikethemeatheadPetehadjokedabout.IfIdidn’tknowhim,I’dcertainlythinktwice

aboutgoingoneroundintheringwithhim,andI’dfightjustaboutanyone.

“Well,Jackson.Wevoted,”Axtonsaidashesteppedintothedrive.

JackstoodstonefacedandwaitedforAxtontofinishhisthought.

Axtonspreadhisarms

wide,“WelcometotheSinners.”

JackgrinnedasheembracedAxton.Afterafewslapsontheback,AxtonandJackseparated,andJacktookafewstepsinourdirection,stoppingafewfeetfromwhereToadandIstood.

“Comeintotheoffice

inafewandI’llgetyoufittedforacut.Imakemyown,soit’llbetomorrowbeforeit’sdone.Thefellasallspoke,anditlooksliketheywanttocallyouBigJack.We’vegotafew;JackandGovernmentJack,butdon’thaveaBigJack.Yourthoughts?”Axtonasked.

“BigJacksoundsgood,”Jacknodded.

“Well,you’reabigfucker,that’sforsure.Now,whenyougetdoneminglingwiththefellas,I’llbeintheoffice.Oneofthesetwocanshowyouaround,”Axtonsaidasheturnedtowardtheshop.

“Gotaquestion,boss,”Jacksaidunderhisbreath.

Axtonturnedaroundandcrossedhisarmsoverhischest.AshestoodandstudiedJack,heflexedhisbiceps.Asmallshowoftestosterone,andoneofAxton’ssignatureposes,it

wasobviousAxtonneededJacktoknowregardlessofhissize,justwhoitwasthatwasthebiggerman.

“Whatmightthatbe?”Axtonaskedflatly.

“Whoputthemoneyonmybooks?”Jackasked.

“Theclub,”Axtonrespondedwithoutany

emotion.

AsAxtonturnedaround,Jackclearedhisthroat.

“Whoputthemoneyonmybooks?”Jackaskedagain,placingemphasisonthewordwho.

Axtonturnedaroundandshookhishead.

“Semantics,”Axtonsighed,“Hisname’sBiscuit.Bigbarrel-chestedfuckerwithbrownhairandabeard.He’llbetheonetellingsomebullshitstoryintheshop.Justlistenfortheloudestvoice,andlookforthecrowd.Why?”

“Appreciatewhatthe

club’sdoneforme,boss,Ireallydo.AndIappreciatethemoneyonmybooks,muchfuckingmorethantheFurydidforme,that’sforGoddamnedsure.Butsomeonehadtotakethetimetosendit.Youknow,taketheriskofbeingontheFed’sradarforsendingmoneyto

me.Justwantedtothankhim,that’sall,”Jackexplained.

“IntroducehimtoBiscuit,”Axtonsaidasheturnedaround.

“Otis,wemetinthecourtroom,”IsaidasIextendedmyhand.

“HeardplentyaboutyoufromSydandToadhere.

Theysayyou’regoodpeople.Ifyou’regoodwiththem,you’regoodwithme,”herespondedasheshookmyhand.

“Likewise,”Inodded.

“Followme?I’llintroduceyoutoBiscuit,”Isaid.

Jacknoddedhishead.

Iturnedaroundandslowlywalkedinside,makingcertaintochoosemypathwisely,andtryingtoavoidallofthelargegroupsofmenwhoweregatheredtalking.Aswewalkedintotheshop,mostofthemenstoppedwhattheyweredoingortalkingabout,andtookasecond

glanceatJack.Therewasn’tmuchthatwouldtypicallyintimidateaSinner,butiftherewas,Jackjustmightbeit.Asthemengawkedathissheersizeandobviousattitude,IwalkeduptoBiscuit.AsAxtonhinted,hewasinthecorneroftheshopwithfiveofthefellaswho

stoodeagerlylisteningtoastoryhewastelling.

“Biscuit,”Isaidaswewalkeduptothegroup.

“What’shakin’O?”Biscuitsaidashestoppedtalkingandturnedawayfromthegroup.

Iraisedmychinslightlyandtiltedmyhead

towardJack,“Manwantedtotalktoya.”

BiscuitstudiedJackforasecond,andsteppedtothesideofthegroup.BiscuitwasasfullofshitasaChristmasturkey,butintimidatinghimwouldtakeanarmyofmen,notone.

“WhatcanIhelpya

with?”BiscuitaskedashelookedupanddownJack’sframe.

“Heardyouweretheonewhoputthemoneyonmybooks,”Jacksaid.

BiscuitshookhisheadandglanceddownatJack’sboots,“Moneycamefromtheclub.”

“Heardyouweretheonewhosentmethemoney.Themoneytheclubraisedforme.Youweretheonewhoputitonmybooks,”Jacksaidflatly.

Biscuitshiftedhisgazetomine,thentowardToad,andquicklyshiftedhiseyestomeetJack’s,“Yougot

therightfella.Isthereaproblem?”

“Justwantedtopersonallythankyaforsendingit.Iappreciateya.Ifyoueverneedanything,justletmeknow.Name’sJack.BigJack,”Jacksaidasheextendedhishand.

Biscuitgrinnedand

shookhishand,“Biscuit.Stickaroundandhaveabeer.”

Jackcrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestandnoddedhisheadonce,“I’llbeback.Justgottoseethebossaboutmycut.”

“I’llberighthere,”Biscuitsaidasheleaned

forwardandimmediatelybegantalking.

“Hegoodpeople?”Jackaskedasweturnedtowalkaway.

“OneofthefewI’llrunwith,”Iresponded,“Biscuit,Slice-thePresident,andToadhere,that’saboutit.”

Jacknoddedhisheadinacknowledgementasthethreeofuswalkedtowardtheoffice.Aswesteppedthroughthedoor,Axtonheldacutupintheairandstudiedit.

“Thisisanextra-large,tryit,”hesaidashehandedthecuttoJack.

“Everything’s

Americanmadeasfarastheleathergoes,andIsewitallmyself.Sometimesthepatcheslookshaky,butIembroiderthename’smyself,”AxtonexplainedasJacktriedonthecut.

“Fitsperfect,”Jacksaid.

Axtonnoddedhis

headinagreement,“Looksgood.”

‘Sew‘emupyourself,huh?”Jackaskedasheremovedthecut.

Axtonnoddedhisheadashereachedforthecut,“Can’tthinkofdoingitanyotherway.”

“Saysalotaboutyour

prideinbeingthebossoftheclub,that’sfordamnedsure.Can’tevergowrongwithAmericanmade,either,”Jacksaid.

“We’llagreeonthat,andIappreciateit.Itakealotofprideinthisclub,mybrothers,andthequalityofmembers.Noworriesabout

someATFwannabefuckingwithyouinhere,”Axtonbragged.

“We’llseeaboutthat,”Jackgrowled,“FarasI’mconcerned,I’llstickclosetothethreeofyouandthatBiscuitfella.I’mnotheretoswapstories,makefriends,orlearnhowtobeabad-ass.

Nobody’dbelievemystories,I’llneverhavemanyfriends,andIain’tmetamanyetwho’sbigormeanenoughtowhipme,”hepausedandglancedtowardme.

“Exceptmaybethisbigfuckerhere,”hesaidasheslappedhishandagainstmyback.

Axtoncrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestandgrinnedashealternatedglancesbetweenus,“Somefellasareloversandsomearefighters.Toad?He’salittleofboth.Otis?Hedoesn’tknowadamnedthingaboutloving,butfighting?Hecouldprobablywriteabest-selling

bookonthesubject.”

“Goodtoknow,”Jacksaid.

“Havethecutreadytomorrownight,”Axtonsaid.

Jackshiftedhisgazetomeetmineandtiltedhisheadtowardthedoor,“Appreciateit,feelnakedwithoutone.We’llleaveyou

toyourbusiness.”

Afterwewalkedthroughthedoorandintotheshop,Jackturnedtofaceme,“AnychanceyoutwoandthatBiscuitfellawanttogetalittleridingin?It’sbeenabitsinceIspentanytimeonabike,andI’mitchingtogetoutontheroad.”

“I’mgame,”IshruggedasIglancedatToad.

“Same,”Toadresponded,“Headtotownandgetabeer?”

“Aslongaswe’reheadedtoAvery’soldjoint,I’msureBiscuit’llagree,”Isaidwithalaugh.

“Why’sthat?”Toadasked.

“Newgirlinthere.Tall,thin,andkindofadirtyblondenamedKat.Cutelittlebitch.She’sBiscuit’snewbitch,”Isaid.

Toadshookhisheadaswewalkedtowardthegroupofmengathered

aroundBiscuit.

“WhenyougonnafindyouanOl’Lady?”Toadaskedoverhisshoulder.

Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Youheardtheman.I’llleavethelovinguptoyouandSlice.I’mnotalover,I’mafighter.”

And,asmuchasI

wantedtoembracethestatement,andhadtrulycometobelieveitwaswhereI’dremain,IhadmyreservationsastowhetherornotitwaswhereIbelonged.

OTISThefortyminuterideinthehotsummerairmadeeachofusmorethanreadyforacolddrinkbythetimewerolled

intothebar.Theatmospherewasn’tmuchdifferentthanthenightBiscuitandImetKat;withtheexceptionofus,fourpatrons,awaitress,andabartenderwereallthatoccupiedtheestablishment.KatnotworkingwasaminorsetbackasfarasBiscuitwasconcerned,butinmyeyesit

allowedustogettoknowJackwithoutanydistractions.

“Otistellsmeyoubeenfuckingsomecollegegirlwhoworkshere.Whatthehell’swrongwithyou,Biscuit?”Toadaskedaswesatdowninthebooth.

Biscuitranhishandthroughhishairasheshook

hishead,“Shitbrother,ain’tadamnedthingwrongwithme,wait‘tillyouseeher.Ithinkyou’llagreeBiscuit’sdoin’prettydamnedgoodwiththisone,collegegirlornot.We’vebeenfuckin’likeacoupleofCatholicrabbits.Thatgirl’sgotthesexualdriveofathreepeckeredbilly

goat.”

“Sheiscuteasfuck,”Iagreed.

“Rightnow,IthinkI’dfuckanyonewhoagreedtoholdstilllongenoughformetopoke‘em,”Jackchuckled,“Andthat’dbeabouttensecondsworth,it’sbeenquiteastretchforme.”

BiscuitleanedintothetableandrubbedhisbeardwithhishandasheturnedtowardJack,“Ibetyou’rehornierthanafourteenyearoldboywhojustfounddaddy’sPlayboycollection.”

“Prettydamnedclose,”Jackchuckled.

“Kitchenclosesin

twentyminutesifyouwantfood.Ifnot,thebar’sopentilltwo.Wanttoseeamenu?”thewaitressasked.

“What?Justgetsomebeers?”Biscuitshrugged.

“Budweiser.Idon’twantToadtryingtoorderbeers.We’llendupwithsomepalealeorangeapple

ciderbullshit,”Isaidjokingly.

Thethirty-somethingyearoldwaitresswasattractive,butlookedlikesheprobablyhadahousefulofkidsandahusbandathome.Thediamondringonherfingercouldhavebeenagimmick,butthedepression

thathaddevelopedintheskinonherfingercamefromwearingitformanyyearsifitwas.

“FourBud’s?”sheasked.

“Makeittwelve.We’llgothroughthefirstfourinaboutaminute,”Biscuitresponded.

ShetitledherheadtothesideplayfullyandturnedtowardBiscuit,“I’llbringeightandassoonasyousetyouremptiesatthesideofthetable,I’llbringfourmore.Youdon’twanttodrinkhotbeers,doyou?”

“Smartgirlrightthere,”Biscuitsaidashe

tossedhisheadherdirection,“Makeiteight.”

“Berightback,”shesaidassheturnedaway.

Biscuitglancedaroundthegroupandeventuallyshiftedhisgazeupwardasherubbedhisbeard.Itappearedhewasthinkingofwhichstoryhe

wantedtograceuswith.Ashesearchedthroughhismemoryforsomethingtorevealtothegroup,Jackbrokethesilence.

“Soyoufellastakeanylongrides?GotoSturgis?”Jackasked.

Ishookmyhead,“Don’tgotoSturgis,butwe

makesomeprettygoodruns.AustinfortheROTRally,anddowntoPhoenixfortheArizonaBikeWeek.SomeofthefellasgodowntoDaytona,butit’salongrideandstillwinterherewhenthatfuckerpopsoff.”

“NoSturgis,huh?”Jackchuckled.

“Sturgishasbecomeatrailer-fest.Everyswingingdickinthecountrydragshisbikethereonatrailerandthenridesthefuckeraroundtownforafewdays.Someofthefellasheaduptherealone,butwedon’tmakeaclubrun,”Toadresponded.

Jacknoddedhishead

andgrinnedasthewaitressdroppedoffthebeers.Afterhenervouslygrabbedthefirstbeer,weallreachedforabottle.

“NevercaredforthatRallymyself;bunchofamateurs,”Jacksaidasheheldhisbeerelevatedoverthecenterofthetable.

Eachofusgrabbedabeer,openedit,andraisedthemfortheobvioustoastJackintended.Asourbottlesclankedtogether,Jackspoke.

“Here’stobeingfree,ridinghard,andsleepingonasoftbed,”Jacksaid.

Afterdrinkinghalfhisbottleofbeerinonegulp,he

raisedhisbottleagain.Weimmediatelyfollowedandwaitedforhisnextbitofwisdom.

“Andhere’stoSlice’sOl’LadyAvery.Withouther,I’dstillbeeatingStarCrunchanddrinkingcoldinstantcoffeeinmycell,”hesaidashetiltedhisbottleintoours.

“Damnedfinewomanrightthere,”Biscuitsaidasheloweredhisbottletothetable.

IgazedtowardthebathroomentranceblanklyasCitizenCope’sSidewaysbegantoplayoverthesoundsystem.AsImentallyfadedawayforamomentand

becameengrossedinthewordsofthemusic,IrealizedIwasseatedinapositionwhichmademeslightlyuncomfortable.Naturally,IalwaystriedtopositionmyselffacingtheentranceofanybarIwasseatedin.Ifnot,Igenerallystoodbythedoor,andfeltasifIwasguarding

thefellasfromanypotentialharmorthreatwhomightchoosetoenter.Havingmybacktothedoormademenervous.Toad’sPTSDmadehimfarmoreskittishthanIwas,andhealwaysdemandedheneverbeseatedwithhisbackfacingthedoor.Tonight,JackandToadsat

facingthedoorwithBiscuitandIfacingtherestroomsintherearofthebar.AlthoughIfeltalittleuneasy,IrealizedhavingJack’sbacktothedoorprobablywasn’tanoptionconsideringhisjusthavingbeenreleasedfromprison.AsItriedtocomprehendwhatJackhad

beenthroughforthemanyyearshewaslockedupinprison,Biscuit’selevatedtonebroughtmebacktoaconsciousstateofmind.

“So,weweresupposedtoleavetogototheROTRallyinaboutaweek.TherewasthiscutelittleAsianbitchworkingatthis

Thaiplace,andatthetime,Ihadn’tfuckedmeanAsianyet.SoI’dbeengoin’inthereandbein’sweetonthislittlebitch,”Biscuitpausedandtookadrinkofhisbeer.

Herestedhisforearmsonthetable,leanedalmosttothecenter,andwidenedhiseyes,“Soshe’salittlefucker

‘boutfourfootnothin’andhastheselittletittiesthatlookbigbecauseshe’ssodamnedtiny.HadanassaboutthesizeofaJonathanapple,butonthemskinnylittlelegsandagainstthateighteeninchwaistitlookedlikeKimfuckingKardashian’sass.Soanyway,we’reaweekout,

andIheadintheretogetmesomeAsianpussybeforetherun.”

“SoIgetinthere,andsheain’tmywaitress,thisothercutelittlechickis.Butthatain’twhatthisisabout.SoIordermyfoodandgetthatspicypeanutchickenshittheysell.YouguyseatThai

food?”heaskedwithwideeyes.

“Hadsome,”Toadnodded.

Ishookmyhead.

Jackshookhisheadandlaughed,“Don’tfuckwiththestuff.”

“Well,lemmetellya,itain’tspicy,it’sfuckinghot.

Soanyway,Iorderthisshit,andafterabit,abigplateofitshowsup.NowI’mabouthalfpissedthislittleVietnameseprincessain’tworking,soIgobblethisshitdown.NowI’mwaitin’onmycheck,andmygutstartsmakingthemnoises.Youknowthemnoiseswhenyou

knowsomething’sgonnahappenanditain’tgonnabegood?”

Jacknoddedhisheadandliftedhisbeer,“Likeaftereatin’aburritooutofthetoilet.”

“What?”Biscuitsnappedback,“Atoiletburrito?”

Jacknoddedhisheadandlaughed,“Contraband.Ifyougetcaughtwiththem,yougotothehole,soyoucan’tleave‘emoutinthecell,andyouneedtokeep‘emcoldanyway.SotheMexican’swouldstealthefoodfromthekitchenandsmuggleittothecellsand

makeupburritos.They’dsell‘emforstampsandstore.They’dcomewrappedinapieceofplastic,likefromagarbagebag.Theendwastiedandit’dbeairtight,andwekept‘eminthetoilettokeep‘emcolduntilwewantedtoeat‘em.Toilet’skindoflikea‘fridgeinthe

joint.Gotsickonafewofthosefuckers,that’sforsure.Sorryforinterrupting,goahead.”

Biscuitleanedawayfromthetableandwidenedhiseyes,“Youateshitoutofatoilet?”

Jacknoddedhishead,“Didn’thaveachoice.Food,

drinks,everything.Youtieastringtoit,shoveitinthetoilet,andpullitoutwhenyouwantit.Ifthecopscome,youflushit.Aftertheyleave,iftheydon’tfindtheendofyourstring,youpullitbackoutofthesewerandeithereatitordrinkit.”

“Goddamn,”Biscuit

saidasheshookhisheadfromside-to-side.

Ifeltthesameway,butdidn’tdareembarrassJackbysayingso.Lifeinprisonwaswithoutadoubtdifferentthanlifeontheoutside.Toimaginelivingeverydayconfined,underthewatchfuleyeoftheguards,

andhavingafewthousandpeoplewhowantedtotryandtestyourabilitytofightonadailybasiswasmorethanIwantedtotryandimagine.

“Goahead,”Jacksaid,“Iapologizeforinterrupting.”

Biscuitnarrowedhisgazeashestareddownatthetableandshookhishead,

“Okay,soI’mwaitin’onmycheck,andmygut’sarumblin’andmakin’noise,andIknowit’stimetogo.Ireachintomywallet,pulloutatwenty,anddropitonthetable.IrunouttomybikeandridethatfuckerhomelikeI’dstoleit.Wholeway,it’sacointossastowhetherI’m

gonnashitmypantsormakeitontime.Ipullthatfuckerinthedrive,hopoff,andrunintothehouse,droppingmypantsasI’mrunnin’.”

“SoIgetintotheshitter,andjustexplode.AmiracleIevenmadeit,I’mtellin’ya.Soforaboutfourhours,Igottheshits.Nowfor

situationslikethis,Ikeepthempills,theanti-diarrheastuff,ImodiumAD.Itakeabouttenofthosefuckersandfinallyitstops,”hepausedandreachedforanotherbottleofbeer.

Heheldhisfingerintheairashetookadrinktomakesureweallknewthe

storywasn’tover.Asheloweredhisbottletothetable,hecontinued.

“Sothatain’teventhestory,thestory’sthis.ItooksomanyofthosedamnedpillsthatIdidn’tshitforaweek,andwegottherallycomin’upintwodays.Finally,itcame.Whenitdid,

itwasaweek’sworth,andaboutthesizeofatenyearoldboy’sarm.Fuckerrippedmyasstoshreds.Now,althoughIfinallytookashit,I’minprettysadshapeandIgotahemorrhoidthesizeofaJohnsonvilleBratwursthangingoutofmyass,”hehesitated,turnedhispalms

up,andwidenedhiseyes.

“Goddamn,”Jacksighed,“That’sabitch.Andtherun’safewdaysout?”

I’dheardthestorytentimesovertheyearsfromhalfadozendifferentpeople.Thefirsttimeitmademeabouthalfsick,buteverytimeafterthefirst,Icouldn’thelpbut

laugh.IwascurioustohearJack’sresponsetoBiscuit’sproblemsolvingskills,andsatanxiouslywaitingforBiscuittocontinuehistale.

“Precisely.Twodaysuntilwe’regonnaspendtenhoursontheroad,andI’vegotalittlefriendhangin’outtamyasslikeIjustgave

birth.SoIknowIcan’tmakeitwiththishotdoghangingoutofmyass.Hell,Ican’tevensitdown.Sleepin’onmybellyandshit,andIfuckin’hatesleepin’onmybelly,I’mabacksleeper.SoIgetmearubbergloveandIpokethisfuckerbackupinthere.Hell,afterafew

minutes,Ifeelprettygoodandforgetit’seventhere.Istandupandtakeafewsteps,”hepausedforeffectandtookanotherdrink.

Heshovedhisbeertothesideandleanedintothecenterofthetable.Aftermakingeyecontactwitheachofusindividually,he

continuedhisstory.

“Andbloop-outthefuckercomes.Anotherrubberglove,pokehimbackinthere,andeverything’sfine.Takeafewstepsandbloop-outhecomesagain.NowIknowIcan’tridetoAustinwithmyfingerinmyass,soIstarttothinkin’.Andallofa

suddenitcomestome,soIhaveTatercomegetmeinhistruckandtaketomethatdildoshopouteast.Afteralookaroundabit,Ifindoneofthembuttplugs.Didyouknowtheycomeinabouttendifferentsizes?”

Toad,whoIwasquitecertainhadheardthestoryno

fewertimesthanme,shrugged.Jack,obviouslyslightlyuncomfortable,satbackinhisseat,wrinkledhisnose,andcrossedhisarms.

“Hadnoidea,”Jackrespondedunderhisbreath.

“Welltheydo.Pickedmeoutalittlerednumberonthesmallsideofthings.And

ithadthislittleringintheendmadeitlooklikeapacifier.SoTatertakesmehome,andIgloveup,shovethehotdoginside,andpokethelittlepacifierinmyass.AfterIwigglearoundabit,itfeelsprettygood.NowasfarasI’mconcerned,problem’ssolved.I’madayoutand

readytoride.Justforshitsandgrins,lateronthatnight,Ireachbacktheretocheckonthings,youknow,makesureeverything’swhereitshouldbe.AndI’llbedamnedifthatlittlering,youknowthepartyouholdonto?It’sfuckinggone!”

“Huh?”Jack

shrugged.

Biscuitnoddedhishead,“Yep.Fuckersuckedrightupthereinmyass.So,nowIgottogofishin’forthislittlefucker.Igloveupagain,stickmyfingerupthere,andfisharoundandfindit.Ipullherout,washherup,andgreaseitwithVaselineand

pokeitbackinside.Coupleaminutes,andbloop.Youguessedit,itdisappears.”

“SoIjustsayfuckit.Atthispointintime,Ifeelprettygood,other’nknowingIgotabuttpluginmyass.Ihoponthebikeandrideouttothesnowskiandmountainclimbin’storeoutonCentral.

BuymeoneofthosespringloadedcarabinerD-rings.AfterIrodehome,Igloveduponelasttime,foundthelittlefucker,pulleditout,andhookedthatD-Ringtoit.ThenIshovedherbackin,andletthehookjusthangoutofmyass,”hepausedandnoddedhisheadproudlyasif

he’djustcuredcancer.

“RodetoAustinwitharappellingD-ringhangingoutofyourass?”Jackwinced.

“Suredid,leftitthereforafuckingweek.Don’tknowifitwasaconsciousthing,orjustbecauseIhadthatlittlerubberpluginthere

orwhat,butIdidn’tshitforaweek.Whenwegothome,Ireachedback,grabbedtheD-ringandgaveitatug.Damnedthingpoppedout,andmylittlefriendthehotdogwasgone.Problemsolved,”heshrugged.

Biscuitsatbackinhisseat,crossedhisarms,and

noddedhishead.AsToadshookhisheadinwhatwasprobablyacombinationofdisbeliefanddisgust,Jackleanedforwardandgrabbedhissecondbeerfromthetable.Afterhetookalongdrink,heshookhisheadandlaughed.

“You’refunnierthana

motherfucker,”Jackchuckled.

“Clubjoker,that’sme,”Biscuitrespondedproudly.

Jackshookhisheadandtookanotherdrink.Heinhaledashallowbreathandappearedtobepreparingtospeakwhenhiseyeswidened

andhisjawdroppedopen.Toad’seyeswidenedslightlyimmediatelyfollowing,andhisheadtiltedtotheside.

“Holy.Fucking.Shit.Now,that’sawoman,”Jacksaidashecranedhisnecktosee.

Toadtiltedhisheadtothesideashiseyesappeared

tobulgeoutofhishead.Iturnedmyheadandglancedovermyshouldertowardthedoor.

Holyfuckingshitwasright.

Alumpbegantoimmediatelyriseinmythroat.IblindlyfumbledformybeerasIcontinuedtostudythetall

blondewomanassheslowlywalkedtowardthebar.Aftertakingadrinkofmybeerandwashingthelumpdownmythroat,shewasdirectlyinfrontofme,facingsideways.Myeyesfixedonher,Ifumbledtofindthetable,andreleasedthebottleofbeer.Asmyheartbegantopound

frommychest,Istoodfrommyseatandturnedtofaceher.

Ithadbeenfifteenyears,butIwasprettydamnedsure.Notbasedsomuchonwhatshelookedlike,buthowshemademefeelwhenshewalkedintotheroom.Iswallowedheavily

andrubbedmysweatyhandsagainstthethighsofmyjeans.

“Sam,”Ibreathed.

Nothing.

“Sam!”Isaidwithatoneofauthority.

Slowly,sheturnedaround.

Hereyesimmediately

widened,andsheraisedherhandstohermouthasifinshock.

“Steve?”shewhimpered.

Asoureyesmet,itfeltasifmyheartcompletelystoppedbeating.Somehow,inspiteofit,Ifoundawaytotakethefewstepsacrossthe

floorofthebarandopenmyarms.Assoonasshewrappedherarmsaroundmeandrestedherfaceonmychest,myheartbegantobeatagain.

Afteralonghug,shereleasedmeandpulledawayslightly.Asshestoodinfrontofme,Iglancedupanddownherlongframe.Shelooked

nodifferentlythanshedidfifteenyearsprior.Whatlittleshehadageddidnothingbutaddtoherbeauty.Eventually,Ifixedmyeyesfixedonherlefthand.

Noring.Andmyheartstopped

beatingagain.

SAMIsatinthekitchenwonderingifonedayananswerwouldcome.Iknew-oratleastIsuspected-mymother’s

deathwouldcomelongbeforemine;butknowingdidlittletopreparemeforherdeparturefrommylife.AsIwassureallchildrendid,IwishedIhadspentmoretimewithher,calledhermorefrequently,andcamehomeonamoreregularbasis.Changingitnowwouldbe

impossible,andallIhopedforwastoeasewhatlittlepainremained.

Iliftedmycoffeecuphalfwaytomymouthandgazeddownintothecup.RealizingitwasoneofthecupsIusedtodrinkoutasayounggirlbroughtbackmemories,andastheyfiltered

throughmymind,asmilecametomyface.AlthoughIwasagirl,blonde,andsomewhatofading-dong,Iwasn’tsoidioticormentallyimpairedthatIwasn’tabletoacceptherdeathasbeingjustwhatitwas.

Thecompletionofhercycleoflife.

NonewcomertolosingsomeoneIloved,Igrinnedandliftedthecuptomymouthwithmymindfilledwithfondmemoriesofmychildhood.Asmymindslowlysearchedforevenmoretenderrecollectionsfrommyyouth,hernotsodeadcatwalkedintothe

kitchenandmeowed.

Fuckingcat.Ihatedcats.Now,

alongwitheverythingelseinthehome,Ihadinheritedafuckingcat.Thegreytabbylookedlikeasmallversionofherlargervermincousins,andwaspossessedbynoneotherthanthedevilhimself.

IntheseveraldaysIhadspentinventoryingthecontentsofthehouseandsearchingforsmallpiecesofmymother’slife,thecatfollowedmeeverywhereIwent.WhenIstopped,itstopped.AsIworked,itsatandstaredatmewithgoldensnake-likeeyesthatseemed

toburnholesthroughmyskinandintomyflesh.Theonethingthatpreventedmefromsteppingonitorplacingitoutwiththemanybagsoftrashwasthefactitwasmymother’sonlytruefriend,andmysinglelivingtietomymother’sformerlife.

“Goaway!”Ihissed

asIswattedmyhandinthedirectionofthefilthyfeline.

“Meow!”itresponded.

“No,”Iscreeched.

“This,”Iswattedmyhandinherdirectionagain,“Meansgoaway.”

Shemeowedagain,obviouslyconfusedregarding

mydemand,andbeganwalkingtowardme.AsIwatchedinsheerhorror,shewalkedalongsidethetable,turnedatthelastmoment,andbeforeIcouldliftmyleg,slitheredtothesideandrubbedherbodyagainstmyshin.ThemanyhoursIspentatthegymcombinedwithmy

quickreflexespaidoffintheformofaswiftlegextensionwhichsentherslidingacrossthekitchenfloor.

“StayovertherebeforeIputyoursickeningassinthefreezer,”IsnappedasIstoodfrommyseat.

IstareddownatmylegasifIexpectedtoseemy

calfwitheringawayfromsomeformofstaphinfection.Afterbrushingherresiduefrommyskin,Ifinishedmycoffeeandwalkedtothesink.Gazingintothebackyardprovidedarushofmemoriesfrommyhighschoolyears,andthetimeIhadspentwithmythenlover,Steve.

Ifanyoneeverwas,weweremeantforeachother.Thetypeofcouplethatmadeeveryoneelsesickwhenweshowedupataparty,wewerethetwopeoplewhoalwaysfinishedeachother’ssentences,pokedfoodintoeachother’smouths,andtastedeachother’sdrinkswe

concoctedatpartiesorfast-foodrestaurants.

Mylifehadneverfeltasinorderasitwasthen.InSteve’spresenceIwasabletoexhale,andhadnoworrieswhatsoever.Hewasahugeguy,standingmorethansixfeetfive,wasn’toverweight,andactuallywasquitethe

opposite.Inhighschool,heplayedfootballandbasketball,andalwaysstayedingreatphysicalcondition.Afterschoolwasover,hecontinuedtostayingreatshapebyconstantlyliftingweightsandrunning.Hisphysicalpresencecombinedwithhisprotectivenature

mademefeelcomfortablethatnomatterwhat,noharmwouldevercometome.

Otherthanspendingtimewithme,hisonlyothertruelovewasridinghisHarley.Hefoundfreedominridingit,andoftenspentcountlesshoursontheroad-oftenwithmeontheback–

ridingtoaplacethatwerarelyplannedongoing.Iwasyoungatthetime,buttherewasnomistakingthatourlovewasnotonlygenuine,butitwasthetypeoflovemostwomenwouldneverfindinalifetime.

Totryanddescribethelovewesharedwouldbe

impossible.Wordslikeperfectandphraseslikeonceinalifetimecametomindwhenthinkingaboutit,buttherewerenowordsinmyvocabularythatwouldaccuratelydescribeourrelationshipwithanylevelofjustice.Whenweweretwenty-oneyearsold,I

decidedIneededtoactasifIwasanadult,andtheselfishsideofmedesiredchildren.

Stevewantednothingmorethantolivehislifefree,andlovemeuntiltheend.IntimeI’mquitesurechildrenwouldhavebeenpossiblewithhim,butatthetimeIasked,Igaveverylittle,if

any,roomfornegotiation.HisresponsewasnotwhatIwantedbutwhatIshouldhaveexpected.

Andwepartedways.

IncapableoflivinginthesamecityasStevelivedwithouthavinghiminmylife,Ileftthecitywithtear-filledeyes,abrokenheart,

andnoplanformyfuture.Imovedasfarawayasgeographyandcommonsensewouldallow,andcametorestinNewYorkCity.WithinayearIwasmarriedtoaworkaholicwhocouldcarelessaboutanythingbuthowmanycommaswereinhispaycheck.

Afterayearofmarriage,aterroristflewacommercialairlinerintothebuildingheworkedin,andhenevercamehomefromwork.Nobody,noclothes,nojewelry,andnoclosuretoalossIwasillpreparedfor.

Irecoveredquickly,asIalwaysdid,withthe

understandinglivinglifewasamystery;andsolvingit,nodifferentthanwatchingamovie,didn’tcomeuntilthebitterend.WiththeexceptionoflosingSteve,Ihadacceptedlifehadthrownmydirection,andneveroncecomplained.

Losinghim,however,

remainedtheonethingforthelastfourteenyearsIneveraccepted.IknewIcouldn’tchangeitandwouldneverbegrantedanopportunitytofixit,butacceptingitasbeingagooddecisionhauntedmeonadailybasis.

Afterthedeathofmyhusband,IleftNewYorkand

movedtoSt.Louis-thesecondworstdecisionIevermadeinmylife.ThereIremained,single,uninterested,andgainfullyemployedasahairstylistatanupscalesalonIdreamedofonedayowning.TheuntimelydeathofmymotherbroughtmebacktoWichita,

acityIhadverylittleintentionofeverreturningtofulltime,andinfactIdreadedeventheshortvisitstomymotherpriortoherdeath.MyunderlyingfearofencounteringSteve,andfindinghimlivingahappylifewithsomeoneotherthanmemademefeelill.

Immediatelyfollowingourbreakup,IhadsnoopedonMyspacehopingtofindaglimpseofhimoramorselfromhislifewithoutme.Astheyearspassed,IhadspentcountlessunsuccessfulhoursattemptingtofindhimonFacebook,Twitter,Tumblr,

andevenscouredthepopulardatingforums.ItcameasnosurprisethatIneverfoundanything;Stevewasalwaysapersonwhoenjoyedlivingoutoftheviewandawayfromthescrutinyofothers.Afewyearsintothiscentury,andI’dgivenupanyhopeofeverlearninganythingabout

him.Intime,Ibegantolivemylifeasthesinglearrogantbitchmostofmyclientsdescribedmeas.

Arrogant?No.Dissatisfiedwiththe

lossoftheonemanIloved,andtheotherwhoIhadsimplysettledfor?Yes.

Igazedattheconcrete

benchsituatedunderneaththepergola,recallingthetimeSteveandIhadspentthere.Asmyfocusshiftedtotheentireyard,IappreciatedthesmallchangesmymotherhadmadesinceI’dseenitlast.Thesidesofthebrickwalkwayleadingtothefountainintherearofthe

yardonceadornedwithlargeleafperiwinkleandvarioushostaswasnowbeautifullylandscapedwithlavender,daisies,andanoccasionalblack-eyedSusan.Thebackyardhadalwaysbeenmymother’splaceofescape,andinmanyrespects,itwasmineaswell.Sheusedtheyardfor

therapeuticreasonsafterthedeathofmyfather,andIsometimesfeltguiltyformylessrelaxinguseofthebeautifulspaceshehadcreated.Thesmelloftheflowerscombinedwiththeseclusioncreatedbythedepthoflandscapemadeitaperfectareaforsex.SteveandIhad

spentcountlesshoursintheyardfuckingonvariouslargestones,theconcretebench,andeveninthefountain.Ilovedfuckinghiminmymother’sbackyard,andgenerallyspeaking,Ipreferredittomybedroom.Steve’sbad-boyattitude,histakechargepersonalityand

mywillingnesstopleasethemanItrulylovedcausedmetoagreetosomeprettyrisquésexualsituationsinthefiveyearswewereinarelationship.

Myeyesonceagainshiftedtothebenchandbecamefixed.Igrinned,wonderingjusthowmany

timesIhadpressedmychestagainstthecoldconcretewhilearchingmyback,forcingmyasshighenoughintheairforStevetosatisfymysexualdesires.ManytimesIhadbitmylowerlipsohardwhilehefuckedmethatimpressionsofmyteethremainedinmylipforan

hourafterwereturnedintothehouse.Althoughmymotherneverquestionedme,IalwaysfeltsheknewIlovedtheyardjustasmuchasher,butfordifferentreasons.

ThereweretimeswhenIwouldlayonthebenchwithmyeyesclosedashekneltbesideit.AsIlayin

wait,hewouldtakehishandsand…

Hishands.

OhdearGod,hishands.Hewasamasterwithhishands;wheretoplacethem,andjusthowdelicatelyordeliberatelytousethem.Andtherewasalwaystheissuewiththeuseofhislips.

Hespentmoretimekissingmybodythanhedidmymouth.Heseemedtoenjoydragginghislips,teeth,andtonguealongmybody;teasingmeuntilIwasafranticmess.OnlywhenIwasnolongermentally,physically,orsexuallyabletoallowhimtocontinuewould

heagreetostop.TodescribeSteveassexuallytorturouswouldbeanaccurateunderstatement.

Irinsedthecup,placeditinthedishwasher,andturnedoffthekitchenlights.AfterquicklycheckingthehouseforotherlightsIhadleftonthroughthecourse

oftheday,Iwalkedtothefrontdoor,reachedforthedoorhandle,andhesitated.Iturnedandgazedintothehousewhichwasilluminatedsolelybytheglowofthelampinthelivingroom.Istoodandgrinnedatthememoriesthehomebrought,sadIwasn’tabletobring

myselftostayovernight.AsIgazeddownthehallwaytowardthedoorofmychildhoodbedroom,Ifeltsomethingpressagainstmyankle.

Somewhatconfused,Iglanceddownatmyfeet.

“Meow…”

Fuckingcat.

Reluctantly,Ireacheddownandpattedthecatonthehead.AsIturnedforthedoor,Iwipedmyhandagainstmythigh,freeingitofthematterthecretinwascertaintohaveleft.Iopenedthedoor,steppedontotheporchandglancedinside;makingcertainthecathadn’t

followedme.Sittingintheentrance,thecatstaredbackatmewithgoldeneyesnowfilledwithhugeblackpupils,undoubtedlyallowingittosneakthroughthehouseinthedarkandwreakhavocontheorganizedpilesIhadcreated.

Iglaredatherand

shookmyhead.

“GoodnightTaylor.I’mgoingtothehotel.I’llseeyournastylittleasstomorrow.”

Iclosedthedoor,lockedit,andturnedtowardthedriveway.IglanceddownatmywatchasIwalkedtothecar.Asitwasstillquite

earlyandnotquitedarkyet,IdecidedtostopforamuchneededdrinkbeforeIretiredforthenight.Adrinkwouldallowmetorelaxandgetagoodnight’ssleep,somethingIfeltIdesperatelyneeded.

Stoppingattheshittylittlebarbesidethehotelwouldbeeasy,andnodoubt

wouldallowmetoenjoyadrinkwithoutseeinganyoneIknew.Ididn’tneedanysympatheticapologiesforthelossofmymother.

IneededtorelaxaloneandtrytoridmymindofmemoriesoftheonlymanIeverlovedandhowmyselfishwishestoreusapart.

SAMIpulledintotheparkinglotofthebarandparkedthecar.Thebar’slot,asIhadsuspected,wasallbutempty.

Havingpassedbyitformorethanaweekinmyeveningdrivesbacktothehotel,itseemedtoalwaysbeemptyduringtheweekdays.ThereweretimeswhenIwantedadrink,andtimeswhenIfeltIneededthem,andtonightwasaneednight.Havingmadecontactwiththedisease

riddenfelinenolessthanadozentimesthroughoutthecourseoftheday-combinedwithmywalkdownmemorylane-leftliquidsedationasmyonlyhopeforagoodnight’ssleep.

Mystrolltothedoorproducedfourmotorcyclesparkedalongthesidewalk

leadingtotheentrance.Carefullyparkedinaperfectlinesidebyside,theyremindedmeofSteveandhisfriends,andhowtheyusedtomakesuretheirmotorcycleswerealwaysparkedneatlyandinanalmostpicturesquemanner.

Great,another

reminderofhim.

Frustratedandsufferingfrommorethanadecadeofsexualdeprivation,Iconsideredkickingthefirstmotorcycleinthelineandcausingthemtospilloverlikedominoes.Afteramoment’sworthofhesitation,Iadmiredthemotorcycles,turnedtothe

door,pusheditopen.

AsIsteppedthroughthedoor,LennyKravitz’Can’tGetYouOffMyMindplayed.Agreatchoiceofmusic,andoneofmyall-timefavoritesongs,butitwasaboutasironicofasongasanyonecouldhavechosen.Afterrollingmyeyesand

shakingmyheadlightly,Isteppedintotheemptybar.

Amusculartattooedbikerinaribbedtanktopandanotherseatedbesidehimwitholivecoloredskinandagorgeoussmilesatinaboothfacingme.Twootherbikersoutfittedwiththeirmotorcyclegangattirehad

theirbacksfacingme.AsIturnedtothebar,themuscularoneinthetanktopcranedhisnecktocatchanotherglimpse.

Stareallyouwant,gymrat,I’mnotavailable.

MemoriesofSteveagainbegantofloataroundinmyheadasIwalkedtoward

theemptybar.Iglancedalongthebarstools,gratefulthebarwasempty.Ishouldbeabletotossdownaquicktriplevodkabeforeanyofthebikersdevelopedenoughcouragetoapproachmeandescapewithoutincident.

“Sam,”avoicefrombehindmehollered.

MymusclestensedasIstoppedrightwhereIwasstanding.Halfscaredtoturnaround,Istood,petrifiedofencounteringanoldfriendfromthepastwhowouldassuredlyprovidemewithstoriesofhowmyhighschoolsweetheartStevehadeventuallymarriedandnow

livedhappilywithhiswife,children,andtwopetcats.Theendlesssilencethatfollowedfilledmewithhopethatwhoeverhadshoutedwastalkingtosomeoneotherthanme.

“Sam!”thevoicebellowedinmoreofacommandingtone.

Itseemed…

Islowlyturnedaround.

OhdearGod.

Everyemotionimaginablefilledmeatonce.Iraisedmyshakinghandstomyfaceandpressedthemagainstmycheeks,attemptingtohidethetears

thatweresuretocomenext.

Hewasgorgeous.MuchbiggerandinwhatappearedtobethebestphysicalconditionI’deverseenhimin,hestoodandstared.IthadbeenfourteenyearssinceI’dseenhim,buthehadn’tagedonebit.Itseemedhehadsimplybeen

transformedfromaboyintothemanwhostoodbeforeme.AsIstoodstillandfoughtbacktears,heslowlyapproachedmewithhisarmsoutstretched.

Iwantedtoturnandrunaway.

Iglancedatthepalmsofhishandsasheexcitedly

madehiswaytowhereIstood.BeforeIcouldseeifhewaswearingaring,hehadmewrappedupinhismusculararms.

Ican’tdothis.Ashereleasedme,I

couldn’thelpbutadmirehimasIfumbledforawaytoexplainmydesiretoleave.I

consideredpullingmyphonefrommypurseandclaimtohavereceivedatextmessageemergency.Tohavehimevenbegintoexplainofhiswife,childrenandwhatthepastfourteenyearshadgracedhimwithwouldcrushme.

Hecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestashe

seemedtostudyme,andashedid,thefingersofhislefthandrestedontheouterportionofhisrightbicep.

Noring.Notonehundred

percentcertainifmyeyeswereseeingwhatwastrulyinfrontofme,orwhattheydesiredtosee,Iblinkedmy

eyesandgazedathishand.

Noring.Iblinkedagain.

Ohfuckit,I’veneverbeenknownbeingsubtle.

“So,areyoudivorced?”IshruggedasInoddedmyheadtowardhishand.

Heuncrossedhisarms

andglanceddownathislefthandashismouthformedintoagrin.

“Nevermarried,”hesaidasheshookhisheadfromside-to-side.

OhdearGod.

Pleasemakehimsingle,available,andinterested.

Istoodlikealoon,exchangingglancesbetweenthemusclesinhisarmsandhisgorgeousface.HeappearedtohavegottenadozenormoretattoossincethelasttimeIhadseenhim,whichdidnothingmorebutaddtohisalreadystrikingoutwardappearance.Ifound

amanwithtattoostobefarmoreattractivethanamanwithout,andhisrecentadditionsweren’thelpingthesituation.Strugglingtodeviseawaytosavemyselffromseemingovereagerordesperate,Istoodwithmymouthagapeashebegantospeak.

“Youlookgreat,Sam,”hesaidashefoldedhisarmsinfrontofhischestagain.

Iblinkedmyeyes.

“Where’syourhusband?”heaskedashetossedhisheadplayfullytowardthedoor.

Iwidenedmyeyes

andshruggedmyshoulders.

Jesus,Samantha,speak.

Heraisedhishandstohisheadandrubbedhistemples.Itwassomethinghehaddonesincehewasakidwheneitherconfusedorangry.Nowquitecertainmysilentshrugregardingmy

husbandcaughthimbysurprise,Iswallowedheavilyandsearchedmymindfortherightwords.

“Dead,”IblurtedbeforeIhadachancetofiltermythoughts.

“Sorrytohearthat.AndI’msorryaboutyourmother,Sam.Ireallyam,”he

saidashereachedformyarm.

ThoughtsofalifewithSteveinitbegantofillmyhead.NolongerwasIconcernedwithmymother’shouse,inventoryingtheboxesoftrinkets,orkeepingthecatalive.RidingonthebackofSteve’smotorcycle,having

himfuckmebreathlessinthebackyard,andfeelinghismagicalhandsagainstmyskinbecametheonlythoughtsavailablewithintheconfinesofmybiasedmind.

“Joinmeforadrink?”Isomehowmuttered.

“Sure.Letmeintroduceyoutothefellas

first,”hegrinnedashishandlightlygrippedmyupperarm.

Iallowedhimtoguidemetohisside.Hisarmwrappedaroundmeassoonasheturnedtowardtheboothwheretheothermenwereseated,andinafewshortsteps,hewasintroducingmetohisbikerbrethren.

“Fellas,thisisSam.Sam,thisisToad,Biscuit,andBigJack,”hesaidasweapproachedthetable,pointingtoeachmanashesaidtheirname.

Immediately,thethreemenstood.AssoonasthemanhepointedoutasBigJacksteppedfromthebooth,

theoneheidentifiedasToadslidfrombetweenthetableandbenchandstoodinfrontofus.

Asheextendedhisarmtoshakemyhand,hewidenedhiseyesandtiltedhisheadtotheside,motioningtowardme.AsIshookhishand,Iglancedat

Steve,whonoddedhisheadandgrinnedinreturn.

“Pleasuretofinallymeetyou.I’veheardalotaboutyou,Sam,”Toadsaidasheshookmyhand.

Igrinnedandnoddedmyhead,notquiteknowingwhattosay.Asthebiggerbarrel-chestedmansteppedin

frontofus,hereachedupandranhishandthroughhisthickbrownhair,asifattemptingtomakehimselfmorepresentable.Hisfullbeardandsheersizemadehimratherintimidating,butashespoke,heseemedtohaveaverycalmandpleasantdemeanor.

“Sorryaboutyourmother,Sam.Name’sBiscuit.Nicetofinallyputafacewiththename,”hesaidashereachedformyhand.

IglancedatSteve.

Youtoldthemaboutme?

Andaboutmymother?

Iswallowedalumpofsentimentwhichbegantoriseinmythroat.ThethoughtofhimtellinghisfriendsaboutmecausedmetoonceagainbecometheemotionallittlegirlI’dspentalmostfifteenyearstryingtoabandon.AsIgazedattheprofileofhisface,hopingforhimtosay

something,themanintheribbedtankclearedhisthroat.

“Pleasuretomeetyou,ma’am.Otisisadamnedfineman,”henoddedashereachedformyhand.

IturnedtowardSteveasIshooktheman’shand,“Otis?You’regoingbyOtis?Thenameyourgrandfather

gaveyou?”

Heshruggedhisshouldersandgrinnedashepointedtoanembroideredpatchonhisleathervest.

Otis.

Steve’sgrandfathercalledhimOtissincehewasasmallchild.Althoughhisparentsneverreallyadopted

thepractice,IneverheardhisgrandfathercallhimanythingotherthanOtis.ThethoughtofSteveusingitashisbikernamefilledmewithwarmth.

“How’shedoing?”Iasked.

“Hepassedabouttenyearsago,”hesighed.

“I’msorry,”Isaid

undermybreath.

“Nicetomeetallofyouguys,”Igrinnedsomewhatnervously.

“We’regoingtogohaveadrinkatthebar,fellas,”Stevesaidashemotionedtotowardthebar.

“Let’ssithere,”IsaidasIpointedtowardthe

oversizedboothwheretheywereseated,“Unlessthisisprivate?”

“Nothin’privateaboutthislittlemeetin’.Hell,sitdown,”Biscuitgrumbledashefoundhisseat.

“Wanttosithere?”Steveshrugged.

Iglancedtoward

Steveandgrinned,“I’dloveto.”

And,tobebrutallyhonest,Ididn’twanttositintheboothwithhisfriends.Ididn’twanttobeanywherewithhisfriends.IlongedtobealonewithSteve,catchinguponlosttime.Ifitwereuptome,he’dfollowmebackto

mymother’shouse.

Andbendmeoverthebench.

OTISBeinginSam’spresencecausedmetorealizenotonlyhowmuchIhadmissedseeingher,butjusthoweasy

itwasfortherightperson-thepersonwereserveourtruelovefor-tocompletelyrighteverythingthatmaybewronginourlifebysimplygracinguswiththeirexistence.

IknewifIallowedhertoescapemygraspagain,mylifewouldreturnright

backtowhereIhadbeenlivingpriortoherreturn.SittinginherhotelroomtalkingmadeitimmediatelyapparentthatwhereIhadbeenlivingmylifewasmilesawayfromwhereIshouldhavebeenlivingit.Asshesatacrossthecouchfrommeandplayfullybrushedherhair

fromherface,itbecamemoredifficulttoacceptherinevitabledeparture.

“So,you’regoingbacktoSt.Louis?”IsaidasIstood.

Shestoodfromthecouch,scrunchedhernoseslightly,andnarrowedhereyesassheturnedtofaceme.

“Well,yeah.Imean,eventuallyI’llhaveto.Ilivethere,”shemuttered.

IshookmyheadasIstudiedher.AlthoughIwasgratefultohaveseenher,Iwasfrustratedthatinamatterofdays,thingswouldreturnbacktothewaytheywere.Immediately,mymindbegan

toreelwiththoughtsofwaystorepairwhatdamageIhaddonetoourfifteenyearoldrelationship.

“Nochanceofyoustaying?Youknow,makingthisyourhomeagain?”Ishrugged.

“Ididn’tsaythat.It’sjust.I’dhavetohaveagood

reason.Imean,Iwouldn’tchoosethisplaceoveranyotherplace.Well,maybeI’dchooseitoverSt.Louis,butrightnow,St.Louisishome.It’sbeenhomeforalmostfifteenyears,”shepausedandreachedforherpurse.

“Gum?”sheaskedasshepulledapackofgum

fromherpurse.

Ishookmyheadandgrinned.

Shestillschewsgum.

“Agoodreason?”Ishrugged.

“Uhhuh,”shenoddedasshetossedthepackofgumintoherpurse.

Iglancedaroundthe

hotelsuiteandeventuallyfixedmyeyesonhers.“It’sreallynoneofmybusiness,butdidyourmotherownherhome?”

Shenoddedherhead,“Yes,shedid.”

Iraisedmyshouldersslightlyandwidenedmyeyes,“I’mgoingtoguessyou

inheritedit?”

“Idid,likeIsaidearlier.That’swhatI’mdoing,goingthroughstuffnow.Whyarewestanding?”sheasked.

“I’mthinking,”Irespondedundermybreath,“So,you’regoingtotellmethatyou’dratherliveinSt.

Louis,andabandonorsellthehomeyougrewupin?There’salotofgoodmemoriesthere.”

Sheinhaledashallowbreathandaftershortamoment,exhaledandfixedhereyesonmine,“That’stheproblem;thememories.It’sthereasonI’mstayinghere.I

justcan’t,Steve.It’sreallytough,butIjustcan’tstaythere.”

“Why?”Ishrugged,somewhatsaddenedbythefactshecouldn’tbringherselftostayinthehomewehadspentsomuchtimeintogether.

Thethoughtofher

gettingridofthehomewasalmostunthinkable.Wehadspentthemajorityofourrelationshipinhermother’shome,andagoodpartofitwasspentoutside,fuckingintheflowergardenhermotherhadmade.Asayoungman,thesensationofhavingsexinthebackyardwasalmost

equaltotheinitialexcitementofhavingsexitself.Together,itprovidedasenseofenjoymentwellbeyondhavingsexinabed.Soon,wewerenotonlyfuckingintheyard,butanywhereandeverywherewecould;andthemoreadventurousitwas,thebetter.Wesoonlearnedwe

bothhadaninnersexualdemonweneededtorelease,butitwashermother’sbackyardthatmadeusrealizeit.

“MymindfillswithtoomanymemorieswhenI’mthere,”sherespondedthroughherteeth.

ThankGod.Ihope

you’rethinkingofme.

Iturnedmypalmsupandwidenedmyeyes,“Andthat’sabadthing?”

Sheglancedupandnoddedherhead,“Yeah.Itsureis.”

Hereyeswereglassyanditappearedshewasonthevergeofcrying.Even

thoughithadbeenalittlemorethanaweek,Iconsideredthepossibilityofhernotbeingquiteoverthelossofhermother.Samwasalwaysastrongwoman,andonethingIalwaysadmiredwasherabilitytorollwiththepunchessotospeak.Growingup,itseemedregardlessof

whatlifetossedather,shewasabletoacceptitasbeing,andsimplymoveon.Hermother’sdeathmayhavebeenmoredifficultforher,andIbegantofeelinsensitiveforpushingheraboutthehome.

Sheglancedupwardandfixedhereyesonthe

ceiling.Afteramoment,shefixedhereyesonmineandsatdownonthecouch.

“Sit,”shesaidinahalfdemandingtoneasshepattedthecushionbesideher.

Isatdown,feelingselfishforactingthewayIhadacted.AsIattemptedtomentallyformanapology

worthoffering,shebegantospeak.

“Youknow,it’stougherthanIthought.Muchtougher.Iwasinthekitchentonightlookingoutinthebackyard.It’schangedalot,butjustseeingitistough,”shesighed.

Inoddedmyhead,

“I’msorrySam,Iimagineitis.”

IconsideredhowImightfeelifIlostmymother;andhowseeingthethingsshelovedandcherished-aftershehadpassedaway-wouldaffectme.Asshebitherlowerlipandglancedaroundtheroom,

Icontemplatedlosingbothmyparentsandhowhavingnoonemightcausemetoreact.AsmysorrowforSam’slossbegantopeak,Ionceagainfeltlikeaselfishidiot.

“Sam,I’m…”

Sheraisedherhandbetweenustosilencemeas

sheinhaledanaudiblebreath.Icrossedmyarmsandleanedintothebackofthecouch,preparedforherridicule.

“YouknowtheguyImarried?Michael?Ireallydidn’tevenknowhim.Notreally.Imethimatthegym.Hewasreallytall,muscular,andhehadatattooonhis

bicepI’msurehemusthavegotasaresultofsomestupidcollegebet.ButhewasascloseasIcouldget.Heremindedmeofyou,Steve.WhenIlookedathim,Isawyou.Butwhenhespokeoracted,hewasn’tyou.Itwasn’tlongandIrealizednoonecouldbe.Afterawhile,I

realizedthekids,havingafamily…allofthat…itwasn’timportant.WhatIwantedwasn’tafamily,kids,orhimforthatmatter,whatIwantedwasasenseofsecurityinhavingyou,”shethrewherhandsintheairasifmakingthedeterminationwasahugerevelation.

Okay,thatwasn’twhatIexpected.

“Whenhedied,Ihatetosaythis,butit’strue.You’rethefirstpersonI’vesaidanythingtoaboutthis…”shepausedashervoicebegantofillwithemotion.

“Whentheyannouncedwhathappened,

aftertheterroristsflewtheplanesintothebuildings,andtheywerecollapsing,”shehesitatedandswallowedheavily.

Afteramomentofstaringattheceilingandattemptingtosteadyherbreathing,shecontinued.

“Ihoped…I

wanted…”sheshookherheadasshebitintoherlowerlip.

Afteralongsilence,shestareddownatthefloorandcontinued,“WhenIgotthewordthathewasdead,Iwasrelieved.Iknowitsoundsmorbidandselfishorwhatever,especiallyto

everyoneelsewholostsomeoneinthetragedy,butforme?Iwasrelieved.”

Insomerespects,theworldweliveinhadjustshrunkintoaverypersonalsizedball.TothinkshehadlostsomeoneinwhatIassumedtobetheterroristactof9/11madetheterroristact

muchmorereal.Eventhough,Isatandstared,shockedbythestatementshehadmade.

“Iwasrelievedhewasgone,becauseitwouldallowmetomoveonandlivemylifewiththememoriesofyouwithoutfeelingguiltyfordoingso.I’venevergotover

losingyou,Steve,andI’mprettydamnsureIneverwill,”shesaidassheturnedtowardme.

What?Assomberasthe

moodhadbecome,IfeltthereweremanythingsIshouldhavesaidinanefforttocomfortherforthelossofher

husband.MyexcitementafterhearinghermorerecentstatementmaderegardingnevergettingoverlosingmepreventedmefromsayingwhatIshouldhave,andcausedmetosaywhatIwasactuallythinking.

“You’venevergotoverlosingme?”Isnapped

backasIsatupinmyseat.

Sheshookherheadfromsidetosideasshewipedhereyeswiththetipsofherfingers.

“No,andI’mafraidIneverwill.It’sreallyhardseeingyouagain,”sheblubbered.

Fuckit,we’reboth

adults.

I’mthinkingyou’refeelingthesamewayIam.

“Sam,”IsaidasIslowlystood.

Shewipedhertearfilledeyes.Afterwhatseemedlikeaneternity,sheshiftedhergazeupward.

“Yeah,”shebreathed.

Herewego.

“Iloveyou,Sam,”IsaidasIopenedmyarms.

Shesatforasplit-secondandstaredwithwideeyes.

Badidea.

Youshouldhavekeptyourmouthshut,Otis.

Shestood,screeched

likeshe’djustseenasnake,andjumpedintomyarms.

“OhGod,Iloveyou,too,”shebreathedintothesideofmyneck.

Howquicklyaperson’slifecanchange...

Onesimplestatementoreventcanflipyourlifeintoacompletelydifferent

direction.NodifferentlythanJackbeingreleasedfromprison,orthebikersinWacowhowerethrowninjailforbeinginabaratthewrongtime,holdingSaminmyarmsmadeanimmediateandunscheduledchangeinmylife.AchangeforwhatIassumedwouldbethebetter,

butachangenonetheless.AsIheldherinmyarms,arushofmemoriesfilledmymind,andIquicklycametorealizeonethingforabsolutecertain.

Iwasn’tevergoingtoletherescapemygraspagain.

SAMMyentirelifeawayfromSteve,Ihadonedesireandonedesireonly.

Tobewithhimagain.

UndertheassumptionIhadlosthimforgood,andcertainamanasattractiveashimwouldhaveeasilyhadwomentossingthemselvesinhisdirection,IpreservedwhatlittleremainingdignityIhadbynotexposingmyselftohimintheyearswhichhad

passedsincewewereapart.Now,findingoutwesharedthesamefeelingsovertheyearscausedmetofeelasifwehadneverbeenapart.

“No,assoonasI’dmeetawoman,Iwouldcomparehertoyou.TheynevermeasuredupsoIcouldn’tseewastingmytime

-ortheirsforthatmatter,”hesaid.

Shocked,butquiterelieved,Isuddenlybegantoitchallover.

“Andyou’veprettymuchbeensingle?Sincewebrokeup?”Ishrugged.

“Yep,”hesaidashenoddedhishead,“Youknow

howIamabouttrustingpeople.IfeellikeIcan’treallytrustjustanyonenow.ThatwasanotherexcuseIused.”

Stevewasaverytallman.Ihadalwaysperceivedmyselfasbeingtallforawoman,andstood5’-7”,butstandingbesidehimmademe

feelsmall.Thefacthetoweredalmosttwelveinchesovermenotonlymademefeelsecureinhispresence,butforsomeweirdreasonitexcitedmetonoend.AsIstoodandabsorbedjusthowlargeofamanhehadbecome,Iadmiredhishandsomelooks.

AndIcouldn’thelpmyself.

“So,you’velovedmesincethen?SinceIleft?”IaskedasIshiftedmyeyestowardthecrotchofhisjeans.

Stillrockingthatbigbulge,aren’tyou?

“Ineverstopped,Sam.I’vealwayslovedyou.

FeltkindofstupidforeverbeingsoselfishthatIletyougo,”hesighed.

Youfeltselfish?Ifeltselfish.

ButI’llletyoukeeponfeelinglikeitwasyourfault.

“Soit’skindoflikewe’veneverbeenapart,”I

saidasIshruggedmyshoulders.

Henoddedhisheadandgrinned,“Yep.”

“Iwanttofuck,”Isaidflatly.

Hiseyeswidenedconsiderably.Heraisedhishandstohisfaceandbegantorubhistemples,astrongsign

hewaseitherconsideringmyrequest,orforsomereasonthethoughtoffuckingmehadbecomerepulsive.Ididn’thavetowaitlongtofindoutwhichonehewasthinking.

“Rightnow?”hesighedasheloweredhishands.

“Now?Nonothere,”

IrespondedasifIclearlyhadotherplans.

“Followme,”IsaidasIturnedtowardthedoor.

Isteppedpasthimandopenedthedoor.Ashestoodandgawkedatme,Iglanceddowntheemptyhallway,reachedforhishand,andbeganwalkingtowardthe

elevator.Ashefollowedbehindme,hechuckled.

“Wherearewegoing,Sam?”heaskedaswewalkeddownthehallway.

Isilentlywalkedtotheelevatorandpressedthebutton.Aswesteppedinside,heglancedinmydirectionandsimplyshookhishead.

“It’sasurprise,”IrespondedasIinhaledawhiffofhisscent.

StillwearingAcquaDiGio.

Good.

1996,theyearwegraduatedhighschool,AcquaDiGiowasintroduced.Ilovedthesmell,and

purchasedabottleforhimatthemallforhisbirthday.Whileweweretogether,heneverworeanyothercolognetothebestofmyknowledge.Ithadbecomehissignaturescent,andeverytimeIsmelleditsince,Ithoughtofhim.Now,smellingafainthintofitexcitedme.

Withinafewsecondsmypussytobegintotingle.

Theelevatordooropenedatthefirstfloor.Afterglancingdownthehallwayineachdirection,Ieagerlybeganwalkingtowardtheindoorswimmingarea.Theindoorpoolwasseparatedfromtheadjoiningworkout

roombyaglasswallwhichwasmirroredonthesideofthegym.Fromthepool,apersoncouldseeinsidethegym,butfromthegym,apersonattemptingtolookoutatthepoolsawnothingbuttheirreflection.Theremainingthreewallsinthepoolroomwereconstructed

ofbrick,makingitvirtuallysoundproof.Althoughthelightsweren’ton,theglowfromthehallwayentryandthedoorleadingoutsideilluminatedtheareamorethanenoughtoprovideasexyluminescentlightingperfectforalatenightfuck.

Ipulledmyroom

keycardfromthepocketofmyshortsandpresseditintothecardreader.Eagerly,Iopenedthedoorwhichledtothepool,pleasantlysurprisedtofindnooneinside.Theroomwashot,humid,andthickwiththesmellofchlorine.MyjoymultipliedtenfoldwhenIglanced

towardthegymandnoticedacouplegettingintheirlate-nightworkout.

“Whatarewedoing,Sam?”heaskedasheglancedaroundtheroom.

“Idon’thavemyswimmingtrunks,”hechuckled.

“You’regoingtofuck

me,Otis,”IgrinnedasIclearedthetowelsfromthetopoftheglasstablepositionedbetweentheedgeofthepoolandtheglasswall.

Throughtheone-wayglass,Icouldclearlyseethetwopeopleinsidethegymonellipticalmachines,workingawaywhilelisteningtotheir

iPods.ThethoughtofOtisnotknowingtheycouldn’tseeusexcitedmealmostasmuchasmeimaginingtheycould.

“Righthere?There’speopleinthegym,Sam,”heresponded.

IshruggedasIunbuttonedmyshorts,“Lose

yoursenseofadventure?”

Asheglancedtowardthegymthesideofhismouthcurledslightly.

“No,suredidn’t,”herespondedashereachedforhiszipper.

Althoughhehadalwaysbeeningreatphysicalshape,hisarmswerenotonly

nowcoveredintattoostohiswrists,buttheyweresolidmusclefromhisforearmtohisshoulder.Hisunbuttonedleathervestexposedhismassivechestcoveredonlybyasheerwhiteteeshirtheworeunderneathhisvest.Ashepulledagainsthiszipper,Iwatchedintentlyasthe

musclesinhisbicepflared.

IglanceddownandgazedathiszipperasIwaitedforhimtopullhiscockout.I’dseenitamilliontimes,butIstoodinwait,wantingtocatchaglimpseofit,hopingnothinghadchanged.Nothavingbeenwithamanforoveradecade,andnever

havinghadsexwithanyoneasoldasmyself,Iwonderedifat36yearsofage,somethingmighthavechanged.Thoughtsofawrinkledhalfshriveledupoldmanpeniscametomind.Asheunbuckledhisbeltandpulledhiszipperdownsimultaneously,histhickdick

floppedfreeofthedenimwhichhadrestrainedit.

OhdearGod.Awrinkle-freecock

withthegirthofmywristsprungfromhisjeans.Myhand,whichwasrestingbetweentheupperbandofmypantiesandmyhip,quicklymovedbetweenmy

legsasifithadamindofitsown.

Soaked.“Seethis,”IsaidasI

raisedmyglisteningfingerintotheair.

HiseyesshiftedupwardasIspoke.

“That’sfourteenyearsofwait,”IsaidasIfixedmy

eyesonmypussy-soakedfinger.

“Fifteen,actuallydamnednearsixteen,butwho’scounting,”hesaid.

Ishruggedmyshoulders.Ihadnointentionofarguingoverafewmonthstime,Iwasreadytofuck.

Iglancedinhis

directionasheclearedhisthroatwithacough.

“Seethis?”heasked.Ishiftedmyeyesto

hiscockfilledhandandnoddedmyhead.

“Thisisn’tfifteenyearsofwait,butit’sdamnedsureaboutteninchesofready,”hesaidwithasmile

ashestrokedhishandalongtherigidshaft.

FeelinganalmostgiddydegreeofexcitementIhadn’tfeltsinceI’dseenhimlast,Ipressedthewaistofmyshortsalongmythighsandreleasedthemastheyslidpastmyknees.Asthefabricnestledaroundmyankles,I

leanedover,pressedmyforearmsontothetopoftheglasstableandglancedovermyshoulder.

Hestoodtenfeetbehindmewithhiscockinhand,hisjeansbunchedaroundhisthighs,andhiseyesfixedonmyass.

“Thatassofyoursis

stillincredible,”hesighedashecontinuedtostrokehiscock.

“Trythispussyoutandseewhatyouthinkofit,”IsaidwithalaughasIpressedmychestontothetable.

“Smartass,”hebreathed.

Iexhaledasherestedhishandsonmyshoulders.AsIfeltthetipofhiscockpressingagainstmywetpussy,Irealizedregardlessofmyovereagerstateofmind,Ihadn’tbeenfuckedinalmostadecadeandahalf.Ashepushedpastmypartedlipsandbegantofillmyvaginal

walls,Iopenedmymouth,widenedmyeyesdrastically,anddidtheonlythingIcouldthinkofwhichmightprovidealittlerelief.

“Ohhhhhh,”Igroanedlikeawomanpossessedbydemons.

“That’sfuckingpainful…butitfeelsso

good,”Imoaned.

“Jesus,Sam.Yourpussywasn’tthistightwhenyouweresixteen,”hesaidunderhisbreath.

“WhenIwassixteen,”Isighed.

“Youwere…”

“Fuckingme…”

“Threetimes…”

“Aday…”Igruntedashecontinuedtotryandforcehimselfinsideofme.

Ibitmylowerlipandlaidmyheadtothesideashepulledagainstmyshouldersandslowlypushedhimselfdeeperanddeeperintomynotsoreceptivepussy.Asheslowlypressedhiscock

furtherandfurtherintome,Igrippedthesidesofthetabletightlyandbitdownharderonmylip.

AslongasIhadwaitedforthisdaytocome,andasexcitedasIwastobefuckinghimagain,IrealizedtherewasnowayIwasgoingtolast.AsmuchasIwanted

it,andeventhoughitfeltamazinginanoddlyawkwardway,havinghisarm-sizedcockinsideofmewaspainfulashell.AsIpreparedtotryandexplainmyneedtothrowinthetowelandofferhimonehellofablowjob,hepulleduponmyshoulders,liftedmychestfromthetable,

andsankhisteethintomyneck.

Afterthirtysecondsorsoofdragginghisteethalongmyneckandbitingmyshoulder,ear,andneckashedidso,hismouthcametorestagainstmyear.Asheexhaledwarmbreathagainstmyear,achillrandownmyspine.

“Thattightlittlepussyofyoursispissingmeoff,Sam,”hebreathedintomyear.

Goosebumpsrosealongmyarmandmyupperbodybegantotingle.

“I’mabouttopullout,shoveyoudownonyourknees,andjackoffonyour

prettylittleface,”hemoaned.

Themerementionofhavinghimjackoffonmyfaceopenedatotallynewchapterinmybookofmemories.Thethoughtofitsentatinglingsensationthroughmylowerregion,andsuddenlyIfeltmypussyopenuplikeabloomingrosebud.

Withinafewseconds,thepainwasgone,andOtiswasslidinginandoutofmenotwithease,butdefinitelywithoutmuchfrustration.

“Ohfuckyes,”ImoanedasIglancedtowardtheglasswall.

Thetwopeoplewereinthegymwererunningon

theirellipticalmachines,staringatthemirrorinfrontofthem.Inmymind,theywerewatchingOtisfuckmeandenjoyingwhattheywereseeing.AsIfelteachindividualinchofhisstiffshaftslideinsideofme,Isighedandgrinned,knowingitwouldn’tbelongbeforeI

eruptedintoanearthshatteringorgasm.

“I’mgoingtopulloutandcoveryourfaceincum,yousexylittlebitch,”hemoanedintomyearasherhythmicallyworkedhismanhoodinandoutofmydrippingpussy.

OhdearGod.

“Doit…butmakesurethey’re…watching…whenyoudo,”Imutteredashecontinuedtofuckmesenseless.

Thefeelingofhishandspullingonmyshoulders,hismouthagainstmyear,andhiscockdeepinsideofmenotonlybrought

backoldmemories,butwasquicklycreatinganewoneasIwatchedthepeopleontheothersideoftheglass.Whilehecontinuedtopoundeveryinchofhisswollenrodinsideofmysexuallyout-of-shapepussy,Ifeltlikehewastakingmyvirginityagain.

WhenIwassixteen,I

wasavirgin.IgavemyvirginitywillinglytoOtis,becauseatthetime,IknewnotonlythatIwasinlovewithhim,butthatIwantedtospendmyentirelifewithhimasmyother.Hewasslightlysmalleratthetime,andstoodroughlysixfeettall,buthiscockwaseverybitaslarge

thenasitwasnow.Ashepoundedaway,hishipsslappedagainstmyass,fillingtheroomwiththesoundofsex,andmymindwiththoughtsofwhetherornotlosingmyvirginitythefirsttimeorthistimewasmorepleasurable.

“They’rewatching

you…fuck…me.Youknowthat…right?”Isaidbetweenchoppybreaths.

“Theybetterbe,”hebreathedintomyearashereleasedmyshouldersandslidhishandsdowntomybreasts.

Hishugehandsmassagedmyboobsashe

continuedtoslidehiscockinandoutofmywetness.Eachinstrokehitaspotdeepwithinmethatsentasensationthroughouteveryinchofmyladybits.Asmyswollenpussytingledfromtheinsideout,hebegantopinchmynipplesbetweenhisthumbsandforefingers.

OhdearGod.

Hellyes.Squeezemytitties

whileyoufuckme.

Withhishipspoundingagainstmyassandmybackarched,hiscockwasbeatingatuneagainstmyg-spot.Ashisthreeavailablefingerscontinuedtosqueeze

myboobs,histhumbandforefingermaintainedpressureonmynipples.Thesensationofitallbecametoomuchandmybodybegantoshudder.

Andthatwasit.

Thebeginningoftheeversomiraculousorgasmthatfilledmybody,mind,

andspiritwithhope,desire,dreams,andloveshookmetomyinnerbeing.Asitcontinued,Igroanedintotheroom.

“OhhhhGodyes,”Imoanedashecontinuedtopinchmynipplesandpummelmyg-spot.

AsIcontinuedtofloat

outintoorgasmicheaven,Ididn’trealizehehadreleasedmynipplesfromhisgrasp.OnlywhenhishandcamedownagainstthesideofmyassdidIrealizethroughmyshock,stingingasscheek,andheightenedsenseofsexualsensationthathehadfreedhishandsfrommyboobs.

Slap!

Thesoundoftheskin-on-skincontactechoedthroughouttheroom.Iglancedattheglasswall,forsomereasonexpectingthepeopleinthegymtohavehearditandnowbeeagerlywatchinghimcontinuetofuckmelikehislittlesexual

playtoyIwaseagertobecome.

“Thistightlittlepussyofyours…”hegruntedashecontinuedtopoundhiscockintomywetness.

“Isalmost…toomuch,”hegroanedashegrippedmyasswithbothhands.

Mylegswererubber,mypussywasonfire,andmybodyfeltlikeIwasfloatinginacloudofsheerbliss.AsmuchasIwantedtocontinuetofuck,mypoorpussywasincapableofevenonemoremomentofpunishment.

Iwasdone.

“Cumonmyface,”I

gruntedashespreadmyasscheeksapartwithhishands.

Ithoughttheofferalonewouldexcitehimenoughtogethimtostopfuckingmeforamomentandconsiderit.Duringhisdowntime,IfiguredIcouldcomeupwithsomethingthatmightencouragehimtopulloutof

mypussyandfinishelsewhere.

“Tittyfuckme,”Isighed.

“Youhornylittlebitch,”hebreathedasheslowlypulledhiscockfrommywetpussy.

“Comehere,”hegrowledashegrabbeda

fistfulofmyhair.

IhadobviouslyarousedthealphamalesideofhimIsodesperatelydesired.Ashetuggedagainstmyhair,Istoodfrommypositionatthetable,kickedmyshortsandpantiestotheside,andfollowedhimasheshuffledtowardtheglass

wall,restrainedfromtakinglargestepsbythejeansstillwrappedaroundhisankles.

Ashecametoastopattheglasswindow,Ilookedupwardandthroughtheglass.Themanandwomanhadstoppedtheirworkout,andstoodtalkingbesidethemachinesastheystaredinto

theglass.

“Knees,”hedemandedashereleasedmyhair.

Ieagerlydroppedtomyknees.

“Open,”hebreathed.

Iopenedmymouthandraisedmyhandstomychest.AsImassagedmy

boobsinmyhands,heguidedhiscockpastmywaitinglips.Hemethodicallybegantoworkhismanhoodinandoutofmymouth,allowingmetofantasizeaboutthepeopleontheothersideofthewallactuallywitnessingmesuckhisdick.AsIclosedmyeyesanddriftedintola-laland,he

slowlypulledhiscockfromdeepinsidemythroat.

“Watchme,”hedemanded.

Iopenedmyeyesandanxiouslywatchedashestrokedhiscockvigorously.Hisswollenforearmandbicepwereasmuchofaturn-onashimstrokinghiscockin

myface.Afterroughlythirtyseconds,hearchedhisback,begantomoan,andpressedhisfreehandagainstmyforehead,tiltingmyheadslightlyrearward.AsImoanedinanticipationandcontinuedtosqueezemyboobs,hereleasedmyheadandpoundedhisfistagainst

theglass.

KneelinginfrontofhimsqueezingmyboobslikethesexuallydeprivedwomanIundoubtedlywas,myeyesremainedlockedonhisthrobbingcockashisclenchedfistworkedtomilkitofthespecialgifthereservedforme.Imoanedin

acombinationofexcitementandreliefasIwatchedcumspurtfromthetipandontomyface,lips,andintomymouth.Ashegroanedinpleasure,hecontinuedtobeatagainsttheglassandgrinlikeamadman.

Whenhefinallystoppedplasteringmewith

hiswarmwetsentiment,heshuffledtothesideandgrabbedafoldedtowelfromthetablebehindhim.

“HolyshitOtis,thatwasalotofcum,”IsighedasIdrugmyfingersalongmyfacelikelittlesqueegees.

“Here,wipeoff,”hesaidashehandedmethe

towel.

AsIcleanedmyfaceInoticedheglancedupattheglassandsmiled.

Knowingthepeopleinthegymhadnoearthlyideaofwhatwewerereallydoing,Iwantedtoplayalong,hopingtoprolongOtis’wonderoftheirvoyeuristic

nature.

“What?”IaskedasIglancedupathim.

Heshruggedhisshouldersashereacheddowntopulluphisjeans,“Theyleftaftertheshowwasover,buttheygottoseemejackitonyourprettylittlemug.”

“Well,atleastthey

stuckarounduntilthegrandfinale,”IsaidasItossedthewaddeduptowelontothetopoftheglasstable.

AfterIfoundmyshortsandpanties,Igotdressed.Otiswasgoodformeinareally,reallybadway.Sayingnotohimwasimpossible,andIlikedthat

abouthim.HefullyrealizedhewasmyKryptonite,renderingmepowerlessinhispresence,butalthoughhemightpressrightupagainstafewboundaries,henevertookadvantageofme.Knowingwhentostopwasastrengthheseemedtonaturallypossess.

Aswewalkedoutoftheroomandintothehallway,heturnedtowardthegymandgrinned.

“Theygotahellofashowattheend,”hesaidwithanod.

Istoppedandshookmyhead,laughinginsideatthefacttheglasswasaone-

waymirror.

“It’sone-wayglass,”Ichuckled.

Heshookhishead,“Notwhenthelightsareoffinthepoolroomanddimmedinthegym.Itreducesthereflectivenatureoftheglass.Theysawus,believeme.”

Iconsideredwhathe

said,realizingmyeyeswereclosedattheendwhilehepoundedagainsttheglass.Afterashortconsideration,Idecidedhewassimplytoyingwithme.I’dworkedoutinthegymonseveralnightsofmyweeklongstay,andallIhadeverseenwasmyreflection.

“You’refullofshit,”Isighed.

Hereachedtowardthedoorhandleandpulledthedooropen.

“Goinsideandlookattheglass,smartass,”hesaidashetossedhisheadtowardthedoor.

“Fine,”IhuffedasI

steppedthroughtheopendoorandintothegym.

Althoughthelightswereon,theyweredimmedtoaverylowleveloflight,nodifferentthantheywerewhenthecouplewasworkingout.Iglancedaroundtheroom,andafterafewsecondsofmyeyesadjustingtothe

lighting,Iglancedatthemirroredwall.

Themirroredwallwasnolongeramirror,butonlyadarkenedsheetofglass.Igazedintotheadjoiningroomandfocusedonthecum-coveredtowelIhadwaddedupontheglasstable.Asmymindfilledwithshock,my

bodyandspiritfilledwithaneeriesenseofsexualsatisfactionknowingthecouplehadwatchedhimfuckmeandjackoffonmyface.

AsIreachedforthedoorhandleIrealizedmylifewasgoingtobeturnedupsidedowninaveryshortperiodoftime.HavingOtisasa

loverwassomethingIknewveryfewwomenonthisearthcouldhandle,andIwasoneofselectfewwhowereable.

Hell,Iwasprobablytheonlyone.

Iopenedthedoor,turnedtowardhimandgrinned,“Whatarewegoingtodowhenwegetbacktothe

room?”

“Couldyouseethroughtheglass?Seethepool?”heaskedoverhisshoulderasheturnedaway.

“Yes,”Isighed.

Henoddedhishead.

“Sowhatarewegoingtodowhenwegetbacktotheroom?Sleep?”Iasked

again.

“Backtotheroom?Wearen’tgoingtotheroom,”hesaidasheturneddownthehallwaywhichledtotheparkinglot.

“Wherearewegoing,backtothebar?”Iasked.

“Nope,goingouttothebike,”hesaid,“Iwantto

lickyourpussywhileyou’resittingonmybike.”

Somewhatshockedbyhisstatement,butexcitedatthethought,Ispuninhisdirection.

“Intheparkinglot?”Iaskedexcitedly.

“Yep,”herespondedasheopenedthedoor.

Iglancedoutintotheparkinglotathismotorcycle.AsIgazedatthesilhouetteintheglowoftheparkinglotlights,Ibegantoitchallover.Withinasecondorso,mypussybegantotingle.IglancedupathimandgrinnedasIsteppedthroughthedoor.

“Soundsgoodtome,”IsaidasIshruggedmyshouldersandwalkedpasthim.

HavingOtisinmylifeagainwasnotonlygoingtobeachallenge,butwouldrequiresomesignificantadjustments.

AdjustmentsIwas

morethanwillingtomake.

OTISWhenIwaseightyearsold,IwantedaB.B.gunforChristmas.Afterwhatseemedtobealifetimeof

wait,Christmasmorningcame.IrealizedtheelongatedboxSantaClaushadleftbythetreecouldhavecontainedanything,butasItorethewrappingpaperfromthebox,IhopeditwaswhatIdesperatelyfeltIneededtomoveforwardintomanhood.LivingintheMid-west,a

boy’sreceiptofaB.B.gunwasnotonlyconfirmationhewasbecomingaman,butproofhewasaresponsibleyoungmanworthyofthepowertheweaponpossessed.

Muchtomysurpriseandcompletesatisfaction,theboxwasclearlymarkedDaisy,themanufacturerof

theundisputedkingofB.B.guns.Withmyheartracing,Icautiouslyopenedthebox,beingcarefulnottoripthepreciouscardboard.

AsIheftedthegunfromtheboxmyheartswelledwithpride.Fightingbacktearsofjoy,Istoodinmypajamaswiththegunin

myarms.

“Heknew,Pop.HeknewIwasready,”Iexclaimed.

Myfathernoddedhishead,“Didhegetyoutherightone?”

“Pop,it’saDaisy,”Igrinned,“TheRedRyder.”

Henarrowedhisgaze

asheshiftedhiseyestowardtheweapon,“Isthatagoodone?”

Igrinnedandnoddedmyhead,“Thebest,Pop.It’sthebestoneontheentireplanet.”

Hegrinnedasheturnedtowardmymother,“Well,soundslikeSanta

Claushasgothisshittogether.”

Andsobeganmyloveandrespectforguns.Icherishedtheweapon,andatleastinitiallyItookitwithmeeverywhereIwent.Itsickenedmetogotoschoolwithoutit,certainIjustmightneeditforsomethingAxton

andIencounteredinourwalktoschooloronourwayhome.Theexcitementdidn’tsoonfade,andonatypicalmorningI’dimmediatelycheckthewoodenrackonthewallofmybedroomassoonasIwoketomakesureitremainedwhereIhadleftitthenightbefore.

Atthetime,thethoughtofseparatingmyselffrommycherishedgiftleftmefeelingemptyandexposed.AlthoughIdidn’tnecessarilyneedit,beingwithoutitcausedmetofeelasifIdidn’tappreciateitforeverythingitprovidedme.

Withitinmy

presence,Ifeltasenseofself-worthandpurposeIdidn’tfeelinitsabsence.

SeparatingmyselffromthingsIcherishedforevenamoment’stimehadalwaysbeenadifficultthingformetodo.TheMCwasaprimeexampleofmyinabilitytospendtimeaway

fromsomethingItrulyhelddeartomyheart.

Iglancedatmygunsafeandgrinned,knowingitstillcontainedtheB.BgunIhadreceivedtwenty-eightyearsprior.BeingathomewhileSamcontinuedtoinventoryhermother’shousewasdrivingmeinsane.

SimilartogoingtoschoolwithoutmyB.B.gunwhileIknewitwasatmydisposal,beingathomewithoutSamatmysideleftmefeelingemptyandalone.

Iglancedatmytwomotorcyclesandshiftedmygazetothecar.Coveredwithacustomcovertopreserve

theperfectlyrestoredcondition,thecarbeneaththecoverwasanabsolutepleasuretodriveandahigh-horsepowerbeast.IhadpurchasedthecarasabasketcasewhenIwassixteenyearsold.Inshambles,incomplete,andwithoutamotor,transmission,orrearaxle,my

fatherhadtraileredthecarhomeinpilesandboxes.Together,overanalmosttwoyearlongtimeframe,wepiecedthecartogether,andheloanedmethemoneyforadriveline.

Oneofmyfather’spoliceforcefriendspaintedcarsanddidbodyworkonthe

sideforsparecash.Aftersomenegotiationandalittlepersuasivenature,myfatherconvincedhimtorepairthecarandpaintitwithashowqualitypaintjobformyreturnofyardwork.Halfwaythroughmysenioryearinschool,wecompletedthecar.

Justintimeformy

seniorpromandgraduation.

Now,nodifferentlythanmostotherbikers,thethoughtofridinginacagewasrepulsivetome.Ireservedtripsinthecarforspecialoccasions,oftendrivingitonceamonthonaSundayeveningortakingittolocalcarshows.Fromtimeto

timeI’dremovethecover,driveittoWichita,andstreetracesomeunsuspectingCorvetteoralocalteenwithaSubaruWRXturbohe’dtrickedout.

Myspecialoccasion1969CamaroZ-28.

IglancedatmyHarleybagger.Ishiftedmy

eyestomyHeritageSoftail.Afterafewmomentsofstaringblanklyatthebikes,Isighed,tookasipfrommycupofcoffee,andstaredattheCamaro.Iraisedthecoffeecuptomylips,finishedthecoffee,andplacedthecupontheshelfbesidethedoor.

Islowlywalkedtowardthecar,carefullyremovedthecover,andopenedthedoor.

Fuckit.Ifthisisn’taspecial

occasion,Idon’tknowwhatis.

SAMSquattedinthecornerofthebackbedroom,IbegantodigthroughaboxIhadfoundintheclosetmarkedSamantha

School.AsIpulledeachitemfromtheboxcarefully,Irealizedjusthowmuchmyparticipationinschoolactivitiesmeanttomymother.Reportcards,photographsofme,andvariousnewspaperarticlesannouncingmysuccessesintrack,basketball,anddebate

wereamongsttheitemsIwassurprisedtofind.

AsmuchasIenjoyedthememoriesthenewfounditemsbroughttothesurface,IrealizedIcouldspendnothingshortofforeverdiggingthroughtheboxesinmymother’shome.Althoughshewasaveryneatwoman,it

wasapparentshewassomewhatofapackrat,boxingupeverythingherlifeproduced,keepingitforfuturereferenceorsimplyforthejoyitbroughther.

Iglancedaroundthe

roomasIdroppedmy4th

gradereportcardintothebox.Mymindawhirlwindof

thoughtsandemotion,Itriedtocomprehendnotonlytheworkwhichwasinfrontofmeatmymother’shouse,butthefactOtiswasnowbackinmylife.

LivinginSt.Louiswasn’tanoptionnow,andalthoughIknewafterreceivingmyinheritanceI

didn’tneedtoworkanylonger,IfeltIshouldtokeepmysanity.MovingbacktoWichitawasgoingtotakealittletime,andthoughtsofwhereI’dliveandwhenI’dbeabletomovebegantoswirlincirclesinmyhead.

Istood,stretchedmyachinglegs,andgazedatthe

doorway.

“Meow…”

Youdisgustingfurball.

Realizingmyonlywayoutoftheroomwasblockedbythefuzzyvarmint,Istompedmyfootonthefloorinanefforttoscareheraway.Althoughitappearedto

initiallystartleher,sheimmediatelysettledintohersphinx-likepostureagainandstaredatmewithhergoldenglassyorbs.

Asshestaredatme,sheblinkedhereyesslowlyafewtimes.

Younastycretin.

Iglancedaroundthe

roomforsomethingsoftIcouldthrowinherdirection,andeventuallydecideditdidn’tnecessarilyneedtobesoft.Aftersomethought,Ireachedintothebox,removedoneofmybrassmedalsfromplayingbasketball,andsliditacrossthewoodenfloor,pasther,

andintothehallway.

Beingtheutteridiotshewas,shequicklyturnedandrantowardthemedallion,assumingitwasalive.

Whilesheattemptedtobatthemedalacrossthefloorwithherdisgustingpaw,Iescapedtheroom,steppedpasther,anddownthe

hallwaytowardthelivingroom.FeelingasifIneededtotryandassembleaplanformynearfuture,whatIwasgoingtodoaboutmoving,andwhereIintendedtolive,mymindinsteadbegantothinkofOtisandwhatlittleprecioustimewehadspenttogether.AsIsatonthe

loveseatrecalledmybestversionofourpoolroomsex,aloudrumblingsoundfromoutsidecausedthehaironthebackofmynecktostandup.

Itsoundedliketheworldwascomingtoanend.

Curiousastowhatthenoisemightbe,Istoodandwalkedacrosstheroom.AsI

gotclosertothewindow,thelevelofthesoundincreasedandseemedtobecomecloserandclosertothehouse.Asthenoisereachedanall-timehigh,Ipulledthecurtainstothesideandpeeredoutside.

Immediately,mystomachfilledwithbutterflies.

Isthisevenpossible?

Youstillhaveit?Irantothefrontdoor

andyankeditopen.Inthedriveway,grinningfromeartoear,Otiswasseatedinwhatappearedtobeaverynicelikenessofthe1969Camarohedrovethroughoutthelatteryearsofour

relationship.Therewasnodoubthehadtheabilitytoexcitemesexually,buthiscarabsolutelydrovemeintoanentirelydifferenttypeofsexualfrenzy.

Hiscarmademewet.

“Looksjustlikeyouroldcar,”Ishoutedoverthesoundoftheexhaust.

Heturnedoffthecarandsteppedintothedriveway.Standingbesidethecarinateeshirt,jeans,andhissneakers,helookedjustlikehedidwhenwewereinhighschool.AsIstoodontheporchadmiringhimandthecaritseemedasifwehadneverbeenapart.

“Itismyoldcar,”hegrinned.

“Youstillhaveit?Seriously,isit?”Iscreeched.

Henoddedhisheadproudly.

Ijumpedfromtheporch,rantothepassengersideofthecar,andcarefullyopenedthedoor.Aquick

glanceofthegloveboxprovidedalltheconfirmationIneededtosee.TheSublimestickerIhadaffixedtothecenterofthegloveboxdoorremainedrightwhereIhadstuckitin1996.

Theleadsingerofthebandhaddiedofaheroinoverdosethedaybeforewe

graduatedhighschool.Payingtributetohimandmyloveoftheband,IhadstuckthestickeronOtis’gloveboxwhileIwaitedinthecarasheandAxtondiscussedouraftergraduationplans.

Iglancedoverthetopofthecar.

“It’sstillthere,”I

said.

“Rightwhereyouleftit,”hegrinned,“Iwantedtokillyouforstickingthatfuckeronthere,butIcouldneverbringmyselftoremoveit.”

“Thememoriesthisthingbringsback,”IsighedasIglancedupanddownthe

sideofthecar.

“Goodones,”hesaidashewalkedaroundthefrontofthecar.

“Takemeforaride,”IsaidasIreachedforthedoorhandle.

Heturnedaroundandwalkedbacktothesideofthecar.

“Getin,”hesaidasheopenedthedoor.

Astheenginestarted,itstartledme.Thesoundoftherumblingexhaust,thoughtsofallthetimesIhadsuckedhiscockwhilewe’ddriventothemovies,andthesheerexcitementofseeingthecaragaincausedmeto

begintoshake.Iheldmyarmtothesideandflattenedmyhandashebackedoutofthedriveway.

“Look,”Isaidasheshiftedthecarintogear.

“What?”

“I’mshaking,”IsaidasInoddedmyheadtowardmyhand.

“Why?”heshruggedashereleasedtheclutch.

Ishookmyhead,“Thiscar,you.Memories.Jesus,Otis.Thisisjustcrazy.Ican’tbelieve…”

“Well,believeit.I’mnotlettingyougetawaythistime,”hesaidoverhisshoulderasthecarinched

alongthestreet.

“Promise?”Iasked.

Hereleasedthegearshift,heldhisrighthandathisside,andextendedhispinkiefingerfromhisotherwiseclenchedfist.

“Pinkiepromise,”hesaid.

Achillrandownmy

spine.Heremembered.Wehadmadedozensofpinkiepromisesaskids,buthewouldneverpinkiepromisewewouldbetogetherforeverbecausehesaidhecouldn’tguaranteeit.AccordingtoOtis,andtohisfather,breakingapinkiepromisewaspunishablebycuttingoff

thepinkieoftheonewhobrokethepromise.

Ipointedmyextendedpinkiefingerathim,“Ifyoubreakapinkiepromise…”

“I’llletyoucutthefuckeroffwithmydad’spocketknife,”hesaidbeforeIfinishedspeaking.

“Yousureyouwantto

dothis,”Iasked.

Withlightning-likespeed,hereachedforthegearshift,shiftedgears,andthrusthishandintotheair,lockingmypinkiewithhis.Nowwithourhandsinthecenterofthecarwithourpinkiesintertwined,everythingIhadsatinthe

roomandworriedaboutnolongermattered.Now,IhadOtisrightwhereIwantedhim.

Inmylifeforever.

“There,nowyou’restuck,”hegrinned.

Istareddownatourlockedpinkies.

“Couldn’tbe

happier,”Isighed.

Hereleasedmyfingerandshiftedgearsagain.Igazedathimadmiringly,andrealizedhewasn’twearinghismotorcyclevest.Maybe,Idecided,itwasbecausehewasn’tridinghismotorcycle.TolethimknowInoticed,Ioptedtomentionit.

“Notwearingyourbikervesttoday?”Iasked.

HeshookhisheadasheturnedthecornerontoCentralAvenue,“Notallowedtowearthemincars.Thevestiscalledacut.Andwecallcarsoranykindofvehicleacage.Andthere’snocutsallowedincages.”

InoddedmyheadasIglanceddownatmypinkie.

“Isee.”

ConsideringOtiswasnowinanactualmotorcyclegangmademealittlenervous.Althoughheandafewfriends-Axtonincluded-hadriddenmotorcyclessincetheywerekids,hewas

neverinaganginthepast.MyexperiencewithmotorcyclegangswaslimitedtowhatIsawonthenews,andalthoughIhadn’tseenmuch,Icouldn’thelpbutseethenationwidecoveragethebikergunfightinTexaswasgiven.

“So,thisgangyou’re

in,doyou…”

“It’saclub,notagang,”heinterrupted.

“Okay,”Ishrugged,“Yourclub,whatisitthatyouguysdo?”

Withhiseyesfixedontheroadahead,herespondedwithoutemotion.

“Weridebikesand

drinkbeer.”

“That’sit?”Iasked,somewhatrelievedandslightlyshocked.

“Can’treallysay,Sam.It’slikethis,”hesaidoverhisshoulderandhechangedlanes,“We’reaprivateclub.Clubbusinessisclubbusiness,andnoone

else’s.Wedon’tdiscussitwithanyone.It’snothingagainstyou,andeventhoughyou’retheonlywomanItrulytrust,forsakeoftheclubandeveryoneinit,I’msworntosecrecysotospeak.”

Iturnedtothesideandfacedhimdirectly,“Secrecy?Sowe’regoingto

keepsecrets?”

“Sam…”hesighed.

“Youaren’tlikethoseguysdowninTexas,areyou?Theonesthatgotinagunfight?”Iasked.

Istaredathimashegrippedthesteeringwheelinhishands.Obviouslyhewasslightlyoffendedbymy

question-themusclesonhisbicepsflaredasheclenchedthewheel.Afterswallowingandgivinghisresponsesomethought,heglancedinmydirection.

“There’smotorcycleclubs,andthere’s1%ermotorcycleclubs.The1%clubisanamethatdatesback

toWorldWarone,andisindicativeofthebeliefthatonlyonepercentofpeoplewhoridemotorcyclesareoutlaws.A1%erclubiscalledanoutlawclub.Theywereanoutlawclub,”heexplained.

“Areyou…orisyourclubanoutlawclub,”Iasked.

Henoddedhishead,“Yesweare.”

“Sohowlonguntilyouguysdecidetoshootupabarandgotoprison,Otis?”Iaskedsarcastically.

“Wedon’tshootupbars,Sam.We’renotlikethat,”hesaidoverhisshoulder.

IglancedupasheturnedthecarintotheparkinglotofaStarbuckscoffeeshop.AlthoughI’dbeentotheintersection,thelasttimeIhadbeenthere,therewasn’tacoffeeshop,butagasstation.

“Whendidtheyputthishere?”Iasked.

“Ten,maybetwelveyearsago,”heshrugged.

AsIglancedatthebuildingovermyshoulder,Irealizedinmytimeawayalotofthingshadchanged.IturnedtowardOtisandcrossedmyarms.

“Well,Idon’tlikethesecretthing,”Ihuffed.

Heraisedhishandstohisheadandrubbedhistemplesforalongmoment.Asheloweredhishands,hesighed.

“Lookatitthisway,Sam.Ijustmadeapinkiepromisewithyou.DoyouthinkI’llbreakit?”heasked.

“No,Isuredon’t.I

knowhowyou’reweirdaboutpromises.Ilikethataboutyou,”Iresponded.

“Okay,lookatitthisway.Itookanoathwiththeclub.Imadeapromise,underoath,toneverdiscusstheintricaciesofthecluborclubbusinesswithanoutsider,allinanefforttoprotecttheclub

andthemeninit.Formetobreakthatpromisewouldbenodifferentthanbreakingmypinkiepromisewithyou.Igavemyword.It’sallI’vegot,Sam.”

AsmuchasIdidn’tlikeit,everythingnowmadeperfectsense.Otiswasapridefulman,andhehad

alwaysbeenamanwithtremendousmoralvalues.I’msurehetookgreatprideinbeingabletooffertheclubhisabsolutesilencewhenquestionedoftheiractivities.

“Okay,I’llrespectthat,”Isaidwithanod,“Whatarewedoinghere?”

“Well,nowthatwe’re

donearguingaboutthat,I’mgoingtogetacupofcoffee.Ithoughtwe’drelaxouthereinthesunbeforeitgetstoohot,maybegetlunch,gotoamovie,andthenwe’llsee,”heshrugged.

“Yougoingtoletmesuckthatbigcockofyoursinthemovie?”Iasked.

Hereachedforthedoor,openedit,andturnedtofaceme.

“Doesasharkshitinthesea?”heresponded.

“Suredoes,”Inodded.

“Answer’syes,”hegrinned.

AsthoughtsofsuckingOtis’cockinahalf

filledafternoonmoviefilledmymind,concernsandworriesabouthisinvolvementinanoutlawmotorcycleclubslowlyvanished.OnethingaboutbeinginarelationshipwithOtiswasthatallthetimeIhadspentwithhimwasfilledwithlove,sex,andpassion,

leavingverylittletimeforanythingelse.

And,aslove,sex,andpassionwereonthetopofmyrelationshipprioritylist,Ididn’tcomplainonebit.

“Well,let’schokedownacupofcoffeeandgettothemovie,”IsaidovermyshoulderasIreachedforthe

doorhandle,“Ihaven’tbeentothemovieinyears.”

“Beenabitforme,too,”Otissaidasheopenedhisdoor.

Ipausedandglancedathimoverthetopofthecar,“Lastmovieyousaw?”

“FightClub,”hesaidwithanod.

“FightClub?LikeFightClubwithBradPittandEdwardNorton?”Ishrugged.

FightClubwasthelastmovieIhadseenwithOtis,inthefallof1999,immediatelybeforewesplitup.Immediatelyafterthat,Imovedaway.ItwaslateOctoberof1999,rightbefore

myfavoriteholiday,Halloween.

Otisshruggedhisshouldersandtiltedhisheadtotheside,“FirstruleofFightClubis…”

“FirstruleofFightClubis,youdonottalkaboutfightclub,”IsaidasIwalkedaroundtheedgeofthecar.

“SecondruleofFightClubis…”hesaidashesteppedtowardmeandreachedformyhand.

“SecondruleofFightClubis,youdonottalkaboutfightclub,”Isaidflatly.

Hestoppedwalkingandturnedtofaceme,“ThirdruleofFightClubis…”

Igazedathimandgrinned.Forme,thiswaseasy.I’dseenthemovieonNetflixandownedtheDVD.Watchingthemovieremindedmeofhim,andIhadwatcheditnolessthanfiftytimes.

“ThirdruleofFightClubis,ifsomeoneyellsstop,

goeslimp,ortapsout,thefightisover,”Iresponded.

“Iloveyou,Sam,”hesaidasheleanedforwardandbegantokissme.

Aswestoodinthemiddleoftheparkinglotkissing,Icouldn’thelpbutadmitthatIlovedhimtoo.Itwasalmostasifwhenwe

splitin1999,progressforbothofushadstoppedcompletely.Ourlivescontinued,andtheworld’sclocktickedatthesamepace,butneitherofusmadeanyprogresstowardbuildinganewlifeormovingon.Now,fourteenyearslater,wewerebothreadytomakeupfor

whatwehadmissedoutonforsomanyyears.

Asourlipsparted,Istoodandstaredathimadmiringly.Althoughhehadgonethroughchangesinhislife,hewasstillverymuchthesamepersonIfellinlovewithasayounggirlandcontinuedtoloveuntilthis

day.Alittleolder,morethanlikelyalotwiser,andnowinanoutlawmotorcyclegang,hewasstillthesameplayful,loving,protectivepersonhehadalwaysbeen.

Andinconsideringallofthegoodheofferedme,Idecidedtocastwhatlittlebadhehadembracedaside.For

metobecriticalofhimforsomethinghesowholeheartedlybelievedinwouldbeselfish.

AndIhadnointentionofbeingselfish.

Notagain.

Itwastimeformetobecomegrateful.

Aswewalkedtoward

thecoffeeshop,hand-in-hand,IglancedbacktowardtheCamaro.Afteralltheseyearshestillhadit.Hehadkeptitforwhateverreason,butultimately,hehadkeptit.Tomethatwasallthatmattered.

Andforthat,Iwasgrateful.

OTISTherewasneveradoubtinmymindthatIhadtheabilitytolove.IlovedtheMC.Ilovedthepassionthemen

shared,myMCBrothers,andtheconceptoftheclubentirely.IlovedthebrothersIheldclosetomyheart-Axton,Toad,andBiscuit-andwithoutadoubtIlovedAveryandSydney.

TheloveIfeltformyparentswasindescribable.

Lovingawoman-

trulylovingawomanwhoIbelievedtobemyotherhalf-wasdifferent.

Muchdifferent.

Samwasn’tinmyworld,shewasmyworld.Iwoulddoanythingforher,everythingtoprotecther,andwhateverIwasrequiredtodotopreservewhatwehad

together.AssoonasIhadherinmyarmsagain,Irealizedthedepthofmyloveforher.

AlthoughIknewallalongthatIlovedher,Idon’tthinkIrealizedexactlywhatlovingsomeonecompletelymeant.Iwasnolongeraselfishboy,Ihaddevelopedintoaselflessman,and

lovingSamwasprovingtobesomethingIwasnotonlycapableof,butobsessedwith.Samprovidedmewithanentirelynewlistofreasonstowanttolivelifetothebestofmyability.

Lovingherdidn’tkeepmefrompushinghertoherlimits.Infact,pushingher

wasalwayssomethingshelovedaboutme,andIhopeditwouldneverchange.

“Yousureasfuckbetter,”Igrowled.

“Seriously,Otis.There’slike,”sheturnedherheadandglancedaroundthetheater.

“Liketwentypeople

inhere,”shesighedassheturnedaround.

“Lookatme,Sam.Lookatme,”Isaidsternly.

“OkayOtis,I’mlookingatyou,”shewhispered.

“DoIlooklikeIgiveafuck,”Ishrugged.

Afterafewsecondsof

studyingme,sheshruggedhershoulders,“No.”

“Okay.Now,domeafavor.Forme.Stickyourfingerinsideyourshortsandfeelthatlittlepussyofyours.Tellmeifit’swet,Sam,”Isaidflatly.

Afterglancingaroundthetheaternervously,she

loweredherhandbetweenherlegs.Igazedtowardherlapandwatchedassheslidherfingerbeneaththefabricofhershorts.Afterafewseconds,shesighed,raisedherfingerintheair,andwipeditontheseatbesideher.

“Soaked,”shesighed.

“Now,let’sagreeonsomething,”Iwhispered.

“Let’shearit,”shesighed.

“Well,withoutadoubt,therearetimeswhenaguywantstofuck,andhiscockisn’tverycooperative.Hemightwanttogoatit,buthisjunkislimp.And,there

aretimeswhenawomanspendshalfanhourkissingaguy,thinkshe’sprettyhot,anddecidesshewantstofuckhim.Theproblemisthatherpussyisn’twetyet.Nowcanweagreethesetypesofthingshappen,andthesesituationsactuallyexist?”IaskedasIglanceddowntherowsof

seats.

“Yeah,Iagree,”shebreathed.

IturnedmyheadtothesideandfocusedonherbeautifulfaceasIcontinued,“Okay.Good.Now,conversely,ifaman’scockisrigidasapieceofsteel,orawoman’spussyisdripping

downherleg,wouldyounotagreethatsheorheisreadynotonlyfromamentalstateofbeing,butphysicallyaswell?”

“Isupposeso,”shesighed.

“Damn,weagreedonsomething.Good.Okay,now,letmeaskyouonemore

thing.Doyouloveme,”IaskedasIreachedformybeltbuckle.

Eventhoughthetheaterwasquitedarkandthemoviehadn’tstartedyet,itwasn’tdifficulttoseeherwrinkledbrowordetectherhugeattitude.

“YouknowIdo,”she

hissedinahalf-whisper.

“Okay.Well,ifyouloveme,andyourpussyiscurrentlyawetlittledrippingmess,whywouldyoudeprivenotonlyme-butyourwillingandwantingself-ofalittlecock?”IaskedasIunbuttonedmyjeans.

Sheglanced

downward,studyingmyhandasIunbuttonedmyjeans.AsIpulledmycockfreeofmypants,shenoddedherheadtowarditandglancedupward.

“That’swhy.Inyourhand.Lookatit,Otis.I’mnotdeprivingmyselfofalittlecock.Yourcockneedsa

fuckingzipcode.It’shuge.Now,letmeaskyousomething,”shesaidasshealternatedglancesbetweenmycockandmyface.

“Okay?”IshruggedasIbegantostrokemycock.

“You’vetakenashitbefore,right,”sheasked.

Irolledmyeyesand

glancedupattheceilingbeforeanswering.

“Yes,”Isighed.

“Okay.Nowyou’reaprettybigdude,soI’mgoingtoguessyoutakeaprettybigshit.Let’sjustagreeonthat,okay?”shesaidasshenoddedherhead.

“Alright,”Isighed,

feelingsomewhatfrustratedwithherlineofthinking.

“Okay.Nowifyou’vetakenprettybigshitsovertheyears,I’mgoingtoguessyourassholeisaboutasreceptivetohavingsomethingstuffedinitasmypussyis.Probablyaprettygoodmatch.Yourassandmytwat.Now

askyourselfthis.DoyouthinkIcouldshovethatfuckerinyouandhaveyounotsquealsoloudyou’dwakethedead?Doyou?”sheasked.

Ishookmyheadandchuckled.Ihadnoideawhereshewasheadedwiththeshit-talk,butshemadeagood

point.Samneverhadaproblemchallengingmeifshedisagreed,andIrespectedherforit.Myjob,inmyopinion,wastomakesureshefeltthewayshebelievedshefelt.

IcontinuedtostrokemycockasIstaredather.

“Guessnot,”Isaid

flatly.

“Huh.Pointmade,”shesaidassheturnedtofacethescreen.

Asthelightsbegantodim,andthesoundsystembegantoemitDolbyTHXbouncingballbullshitaroundtheroom,Istrokedmycockandtiltedmyheadher

direction.

“Onemorequestion,”IsaidasIleanedherdirection.

“Shoot,”shewhispered.

Ileanedmyheadontohershoulderandglancedupintohereyes.

“Whenyou’re

watchingamovie,doyoueverturnaroundandwatchthepeoplebehindyou?”Iasked.

Sheshookherhead,“No,Iwatchthemovie.”

“Who’sbehindus?”Iasked.

“Nobody,Otis.We’reinthebackrow,”she

whispered.

“Sotheonlypeoplewhocanseeusareinfront,right?”

“Yeah,”sheresponded.

“Andwejustagreedthey’renotgoingtoturnaround,right?”IaskedasIliftedmyheadfromher

shoulder.

“Forgetit,Otis,”shesighed.

Ireleasedmycockfrommygripandreachedforherhair.Afterliftingtheblondestrandsoverherleftearandcarefullydrapingthembehindit,Iadmiredherbeautifulface.Afterafew

secondsofadmiration,Ileanedtowardherandbitthebottomofherearbetweenmyteeth.Withherearlobeinmyteeth,Igrowledintoherear.

“Yousexylittlebitch,”Ibreathedagainstherear.

Ireachedoverwithmylefthandandgrabbedher

boob.AsIbegantosqueezeitinmyhand,shestartedtomoanquietly.Whileshewiggledinherseatandgroaned,Iinhaledanaudiblebreaththroughmyclenchedteethandexhaledslowlyintoherear.

“Reachoverhereandgrabmyfuckingcock,Sam,”

Ibreathed.

Withoutspeaking,herhandfumbledinmylapuntilshefoundmyrigidcock.Asshebegantoslowlystrokeit,Ibitintoherearlobewithslightlymoreforceandexhaledintoherearagain.Immediately,hershoulderjerkedandshetiltedherhead

totheside,pressingagainstthesideofmyface.

“You’redrivingmecrazy,”shebreathed.

“Andyou’repissingmeoff.Sincewhendoyounotlistentome?ThistimeI’mnotasking,I’mtelling.Getyoursexylittlecocksuckingmouthdowntherein

frontofmeandsuckmycock,Sam,”IbreathedasIreleasedherearandpointedtothefloor.

Withoutreleasingmycockfromhergrasp,sheloweredherselftothefloorandleanedforward.Wedgedbetweenthefrontofmyseatandtheseatinfrontofme,

sheglancedupandgrinned.

“I’msowet,”shesighedasshebegantostrokemyswollenshaft.

Igrinnedandglancedaroundthetheater.Infrontofus,threerowsdown,weretwopeopleononeside,andtwopeopleonthefarotherside.Inthelowerportionof

thetheater,andentirerowwasfilledwithagroupoffifteenorsopeople,andanothercouplesattoourimmediateleft,tworowsdown.Alltold,roughlytwentypeoplewereinattendance.Asthemoviebegantoplay,Ifelthermouthencompassmycock.

Iglanceddownandsighedatthesightofherheadmovingupanddowninmylap.AlthoughI’msurenotallwomenenjoyhavingacockstuffedintotheirthroatforcefully,Samwasnostrangertothetipofmydickpummelinghermouthlikeawoodpeckerpoundingaway

atatreetrunk.Afteraquickinventoryofthetheateragain,Iloweredmyhandsontothebackofherheadandslowlyraisedmyassfromtheseat.Asthecowboyonthescreenpulledanoldmanfromaburningcar,IbegantofuckSam’sfacelikeIwastryingtoputoutafiredeepwithin

herthroat.

Thesoundofhersloppyslobberingandgaggingwasprettyevidentwherewewereseated,butthesoundeffectsanddialoguefromthemoviemaskedthesoundsofoursexualadventurefromeveryoneelse’sears–especiallythose

seatedintheinthefrontofthetheater.Iknewitwouldtakenomorethanaminuteofmycockinhermouthtodriveherinsane,andafterholdingherheadtightlyinmylapforafeweye-wateringseconds,Ireleasedherheadandleanedforward.

Asshepulledher

headfrommylapshegaspedforbreath.

“Holyshit,Otis,”shesighedasshewipedhermouthwiththebackofherhand.

“Takeoffyourshortsandturnaround,”Isaidflatly.

Sheglancedovereachofhershouldersassheraised

herselfintoacrouchedposition.Afterafewsecondsofstrugglingtogetthemoff,shesighedandstood.Nowstandingbesideme,shemumbledafewunintelligibleexpletivesandyankedagainstthewaistofhershorts,pullingthemandherpantiesdowntoherthighs.Afew

expletivesandalittlemorestrugglinglater,andshewasnakedfromthewaistdown.

Iglancedaroundthetheater.

Everyoneremainedfocusedonthemovieasthecowboywalkedtothedoorwithabouquetofflowers.

“Turnaroundandride

mycock,Sam,”Iwhispered.

“Noshit,Sherlock,”shesaidthoughherteeth,“IthoughtI’djuststandhere.”

Sheturnedaround,reachedbackandgrabbedherasswitheachhand,andassheattemptedtospreadherglisteningpussyaswideasshecould,loweredherself

ontothetipofmycock.AsIguidedthetipintoherpussywithonehand,Ipressedmyotherintothesmallofherback.Althoughfuckinginthehotelpoolroomwastorturous,thistimeIslidwithexceptionaleaseintoherwetwarmfold.

“Jesus,”shesighedas

mycockbottomedout.

Ireachedforwardwithmyrighthandandcoveredhermouth.AsIpulledthebackofherheadtowardmychest,Isatupinmyseatslightly,forcinghertoarchherback.Nowincapableofspeaking,herbackarched,andherhands

stillgrippingherass,shebegantorockbackandforthalongthelengthofmyswollenshaft.

Hersoakingwetbutstillever-so-tightpussyworkedmagicalongmystiffdick.Eachtimesheraisedherassorloweredherselfontomylap,Ifeltasifthetipof

mycockwasgoingtoexplode.Swollentoanall-timehighgirthandashardasadiamond,itseemedtheskinwashypersensitivetotheperfectrhythmofherreversecowgirlride.Asshebitintomyhand,herspeedincreasedandsheseemedtobecomealittlemoredaring.With

muffledgroansbellowingintomyhand,shebouncedupanddownonmycockasshecontinuedtostretchherasscheeksapartwithherfingers.

WatchingherfuckmewithsuchforcewasbeyondanylevelofexcitingIcouldrecallfromourpast.MaybeIwanteditmore.Quite

possiblyIwantedhermore.Perhapsitwasnothingmorethanbeinginloveasamaninsteadofbeinginlustasaboy.

Theinsideoftheaterwasn’tbrightbyanymeans,butthemovieprovidedenoughilluminationformetowatchmycockdisappearing

intoherpussy.AsIglancedupandmadenoteofthecowboyandablondegirlhavingalakesidepicnic,Samgroanedintothepalmofmyhand.Tospicethingsupalittle,andtoforceSamtoexercisealittleself-control,Imovedmyhandfromhermouthandtwistedherhairin

myhand.

Ipulledherhairtightly,forcingherheadtothesideofmine.Withherbacknowagainstmychestandherearbesidemylips,Iturnedmyheadtothesideandpressedmymouthagainstherear.

“Slowdown,little

girl.You’regoingtogetusthrownoutofhere,”Iwhispered.

Shecontinuedtobounceupanddownonmycocklikewewerefilmingapornomovieandthiswasgoingtobetheclimacticending.Herveryaudiblebreathingwasanimal-likeand

increasinginvolumewitheachstroke.

“Lose…”

“Yoursense…”

“Ofadventure…”shebreathed

Ipressedmymouthfirmagainstherearandexhaled,“Youlittlesmartass.”

Ipulledherhairrearwardandraisedmybuttfromtheseat.Inperfecttimingagainstthepredictablerhythmofthemovementofherass,IforcedmyselfintoherasdeepasIwasable.Almoststandinginmyseat,Ipressedthefrontofherthighsintothebackoftheseatin

frontofus,grabbedmybelt,andpushedthewaistofmyjeanstomid-thigh.

Nowfuckingherasiftoproveapoint,shewasgruntingeachtimemycockbottomedoutinsideofher.Asshereleasedthecheeksofherassandgrippedthebacksofthetwoseatsdirectlyin

frontofusinherhands,IpoundedmyselfintoherlikeIwasinsomekindofgrudgefuckingcontest.

“Yousmartmouthedlittlebitch,”Ibreathed.

“Youneedtorememberwho’sfuckingboss,”IsighedasIpulledupwardonherhair.

Thesoundofmyhipsslappingupagainstherbareassechoedoverthesoundofthequietconversationthecouplewashavingonthescreen.Apersoninfrontofusturnedaroundandimmediatelyturnedbacktowardthescreenafterseeingwhatwasgoingon.Withina

fewseconds,severalpeopleturnedaround.Thethoughtofthemseeingus,evenforasplit-second,fueledmetocontinuetofuckherwithoutmercy.

Ifeltmycockbegintoswellandrealizedmybreathingwasnotonlylabored,butquiteloud.The

theatrewasfilledwiththesoundofsex.MyhipsagainstSam’sass,hergroaningfrommepullingherhair,andhergruntswitheachinstrokewereenoughtomakeeventhemorefocusedmoviegoersunderstandfullywhatweweredoingintherearofthetheater.AsIfeltmyscrotum

begintotingle,IrealizedIwasonthevergeofclimax.

IreleasedSam’shairandgrippedherneckinmyhand.AsIsqueezedherneckwithmyfingertipsandpulledherbodybackwardagainstmine,herpussybegantocontractaroundtheshaftofmythrobbingcock.Inperfect

timing,Iexplodedintoherwetpussyasshegroanedinpleasureintothenotsovacanttheater.

IarchedmybackandbitmylipasIcontinuedtoenjoywhatseemedtobeaneverendingorgasm.

“OhdearGod…”shemoanedasherkneesbuckled.

Iexhaled,openedmyeyes,andgazeddownintothetheater.MorethanhalfofthepeopleinthetheaterwerefocusedonSamandI.

Afterafewsecondsofstandingmotionlessandregainingmysenses,Ireleasedherneck,slidmyhanduptohercheek,and

turnedherheadtotheside.Averylongpassionatekissandasolidheartfelthuglater,andIcollapsedintotheseat,exhaustedfromtheexcitementofoursexualescapade.

“Takeoffyourbootandgivemeyoursock,”Samwhisperedoverhershoulder.

Iturnedtothesideandscrunchedmybrow,“What?”

“I’vegotaboutaquartofyourcumtryingtofalloutofmypussy,Superman.Ineedsomething.Givemeasocktomopthisupwith,”shesighed.

Ireacheddown,

pulledupmyjeans,andunlacedmyshoes.Afterremovingthemboth,Ihandedhermysocks.Thethoughtofhavingononlyonedidn’tseemtoappealing.

Shestareddownintoherhandandchuckled.

“Youwearno-shows?”shesaidwitha

laugh.

“Huh?”Iresponded.

“No-shows.Littlebootiesocks.Youwearthese?”sheasked.

“WhenI’mwearingshoes,yeah,”Inodded.

“Ifuckingloveyou,”shesighedasshereachedbetweenherlegs.

“Loveyoutoo,Sam,”IgrinnedasIreacheddownandpulledonmyshoes.

Afterwhatseemedtobeamatterofminutes,themovieended.Fullyunderstandingithadbeenmuchlongerthanthefewminutesitseemedtobe,IrealizedIhadwatchedthe

remainingportionofthemovieinadaze,daydreamingaboutmyfuturewithSam.She,ontheotherhand,satquietlyandenjoyedtheromanticmovie.Asthecreditsrolledacrossthescreen,Iheldmyhandinfrontofherchest,andcautionedherfrom

immediatelystanding.

“Let’swaitaminute,”Ichuckled.

“Right,”shegrinned.

Afterseveralminutes,thetheateremptied,shortofthelongrowofpeoplestillseatedinthefront.Realizingforsomereasontheyhadnointentionofleavingthe

theatre,Istoodfrommyseat,heldSam’shand,andbegantowalktowardthesteps.Aswewalkeddownthesteps,afewofthepeopleturnedaround.Asthetheaterwaswell-lightednowthatthemoviewasover,Icouldclearlyseethegroupwasacombinationofcollegeaged

couples,withoutadoubtoutofschoolforthesummer.Aswepassedthegroupandturnedtowardtheaisleleadingtotheexit,thesoundofapersonclappingcausedmetopauseandturnaround.

Afterafewclaps,anotherjoined.Withinafewseconds,theentiregroup

stood,facedus,andcontinuedclapping.Halfembarrassed,andhalfproud,Istoodandstaredblanklyatthegroupandsmiled.

Samreleasedmyhand,situatedonearminfrontofherandtheotherbehind,andperformedaverywellexecutedbow.After

standing,shereachedformyhandandglancedupatme.

“Neitheroneofushaveatremendousamountofsense,youknowthat,right?’shechuckled.

“Wellaware,”IsaidasIturnedtowardthedoor.

Andalmostmorethananythingelse,thatwaswhatI

hadalwayslovedaboutSam.Now,morethanever,Iwasabletobemyselfaroundher,whichwassomethingIhadn’treallydonesincesheleft.Aswequietlywalkedtowardthedoorhand-in-hand,IrealizedthepersonIwasbecomingwasthepersonIhadalwaysbeen,butthatIhadnooneto

sharebeingmyselfwith.

Samcausedmetoactwithoutinhibitionorconcern.Anxioustoseejustwhoitwasthatresidedbeneathmyexteriorshell,Ireleasedherhand,turnedtofaceher,andpressedheragainstthewall.

Ikissedherpassionately,asmyhands

fumbledalongherbody,exploringeveryinchofheraswecontinuedtokiss.Eventually,Iraisedmyhandsandclearedherhairawayfromherfaceandourlipsparted.AsIstaredintoherbeautifulbrowneyes,incapableofspeakingexactlywhatIwasthinking,oneof

thecouplesofcollegekidswalkedpast.

“Getaroom,”helaughedoverhisshoulderashewalkedthroughthedoor.

“Wedon’tfuckinrooms!”Samshoutedback.

Ishookmyheadandgrinned,“Doyouthinkthere’ssomethingwrongwith

us?”

“No,”shesnappedback,“It’severyoneelsewho’slosingout.Fuckingprudes.”

Aswewalkedtowardthedoor,Samreachingintoherpurse,pulledoutmywaddedsocks,andtossedthemintothetrashcan.

“IwanttoseeAxton,”shesaidaswewalkeddownthehallway.

Inoddedmyhead,“Iwasthinkingthesamething.Andthere’safewothersIwantyoutomeet.Afewofthegirls.Axton’sOl’LadyandToad’sOl’Lady.”

“AmIyourOl’Lady,

Otis?IsthatwhatIam?”shegrinned.

“YouGoddamnedsureare,”Iresponded.

Asstrangeasitseemedtosay,andasmuchasshemaynotunderstandthesincerityandseriousnessofthelabel,SamwasnoneotherthanOtis’Ol’Lady.

AndnowitwastimeImadeherpartofmyfamily.

SAMAcceptingawomanasafriendwassomethingIneverdidwithouttremendousresistance.Theircompetitive

nature,cattyattitudes,andunstableemotionsmademereluctanttoinviteoneintomylifeasatruefriend.OvertheyearsIhaddevelopedseveralfriendshipswithwomen,butoddlyenough,Ineverreallyconsideredthemtobetruefriends.Openingupandbeingmearoundthemnever

happened,anditseemedthepersonIoftenchosetobeintheirpresencewasasmallportionofwhoIreallywas.

Anabbreviatedversion.

Somethingseemeddifferentaboutthetwogirlsinfrontofme.

Muchdifferent.

“No,Iworkatanattorney’sofficeasapara.Herbrother’sJack,youmethimatthebartheotherday,he’stheonewho’sallbuffandcoveredinprisontats.I’mtheonewhowrotetheappealandgothimanewtrial.I’mAxton’sOl’Lady,she’sToad’s,yougotus

mixedup,”thegirlwiththedarkerhairsaidinonebreathlesssentence.

Shetalkedahundredmilesanhour,andwasdifficulttofollow,butshehadagreatoutgoingpersonality.

“Sydney?Syd?”IsaidasIpointedtowardthemore

reservedblonde.

Sheraisedherhandintheairandnoddedherhead,“That’sme.I’mJack’ssister.”

“AndI’mAvery.She’sSyd,andI’mAvery.Justremember,Sydney,shittyhaircut.Avery,awesomebitch.It’seasythatway,”

Averychuckled.

SydneyglancedinAvery’sdirectionandrolledhereyes.

“Shittyhair’sright,butyou’refarfromanawesome,bitch,”shelaughed.

Averyshruggedhershouldersasshepuckeredher

lipsandkissedtheair.

Inoddedmyheadandgrinned,“Hair,awesome.Gotit.”

“Andyou’reengaged?ToToad?ThecuteItalianguy?”IaskedasIturnedtowardSydney.

“Yep.That’sme?”shesmiledasshereachedfor

herglassoftea.

“Okay,well.Let’sgettoknoweachother.Where’dyouguysmeet?”Iasked.

“You’lllovethis,”Averyblurted.

“Youreallywanttoknow?”Sydneyasked.

“Sure,”Iresponded,“Whynot?”

Sheshookherheadandpushedherglassofteatothecenterofthetable.

“Well,”sheinhaledadeepbreath,helditforamoment,andexhaled.

“Itwasatabankrobbery.Iguessit’skindofcommonknowledgenow,soI’lltellyoutherealstory.I

washomelessatthetime,andIhadusedthisguythenightbeforeforashower,andnoIdidn’tfuckhim,”shepausedassheraisedhereyebrowscomically.

“Youwerehomeless?”Iasked,shockedatthestatement.

Shenoddedherhead,

“Homeless,jobless,penniless,yep.Alloftheabove.”

“Oh.Wow,”IrespondedasIreachedformydrink.

Thethoughtofsuchagorgeouswomanwhoalsoseemedtobesowellputtogetherbeinghomelesswas

almostunbelievabletome.AsIattemptedtowrapmymindaroundthecomplicationsofbeinghomeless,shecontinuedtotellherstory.

“Okay,soIwentintothebankwiththisguywhilehewastakingmebacktomycar,thinkinghe’sgoingto

depositmoneyormakeawithdrawalorwhatever,andthefuckerpullsoutagunandstartsrobbingthebank.Noshit.I’mstandingthereconfused,scared,andwonderinghowlongofaprisonsentenceI’mgoingtogetwhentheycatchus,andthisguywhoI’dwatched

walkintothebankinfrontofusleansoverandsaysstandbythedoor,Idon’twantyoutogethurt,”shepausedandraisedhereyebrows.

Okay,thisisexcitingstuff.

“Toad?”Iasked.

Shenoddedherhead,“AndheasksmeifIwanta

wayoutofthisdeal.OfcourseIsayyes.Soanyway,thenumbskullI’mwithwalksuptoCambio-that’shisrealnamebytheway-andheaskshimforhisdepositbag.Toadshrugshisshoulderandactslikehe’sscared,andtheguypointsthegunrightathisface.”

Shepausedandpointedherfingeratmyface.

“Holycrap,”IsighedasIdrainedmydrink.

“Notreally.CambiopulledsomeMarinejudoshitandsnatchesthegunfromtheguy’shand,kickshiminthechest,andknockshimonthefloorinlikeonehalfa

second.Thedumbfucker’sonhisbackonthefloornow,andCambio’sgottheguninhisface,”sheshookherheadandgrinned.

“Wow.That’skindofsexy.Sowhatdidthecopssaywhentheygotthere?”Iasked.

Sheshruggedher

shoulders,“Idon’tknowreally,Ileftrightafterthat.”

Ishookmyheadandstaredblankly,causinghertoexplainfurther.

“Whilehehadthegunontherobber,heturnedtomeandsaidgotellthebigfuckeroutsidethatthedevillooksafterhisownandtellhimto

takeyoutoBiscuit’shouse.Hell,IwasscaredtodeathandItookoffrunning.Ihadnoideawhotheseguyswere,butitjustseemedrightatthetime.Beingaroundbikersmyentirelife,Ifiguredtheyweregoodsoliddudes,soIranintotheparkinglotlikeIwasleavingaburningbuilding,

andranuptoOtisandsaiddevillooksafterhisown,”sheshruggedasshereachedforhertea.

Iwidenedmyeyesandswallowedheavily,“OhdearGod.TheguyinthelotwasOtis?MyOtis?”

“Theoneandonly,yesma’am.Hedidn’taskany

questions,justgrinnedandfireduphisbike.TheonlythingIrememberishimsayingyoubetterholdonrightbeforehegunneditandshotoutofthelot,”shesaidassheloweredherglasstothetableagain.

“Devillooksafterhisown?”IsaidasIshookmy

head,“huh…”

IturnedtowardAveryandgazedpastherasItriedtothinkofbeingapartofabankrobberyinthefirstplace.

Averynoddedandtiltedherheadtothesideplayfully,“Clubmotto.”

“Isee,”Isighed.

“So,thecopsshowedup,thenewsinterviewedCambio,andtherestishistory,”sheshrugged.

“Wow,”IsaidasIliftedmyglassandstaredintoit.

Empty.

Averyturnedtowardthebar,raisedherhand,and

wavedatthewaitress.

“WentalotbetterthanthenexttimeaguypulledagunonToad,that’sforsure.Nowthatwasscary,”Averysaidassheturnedaround.

IwidenedmyeyesandglancedatSydney,“Therewasanothertime?”

“GuyinTexas,”shenoddedasshetookadrinkoftea.

“Shothiminthechest.Collapsedlung,coma,damnedneardied,”shesaidflatly.

WhatthefuckhaveIgotmyselfinto?

“Let’shearit,”I

sighedasIpickedupmyglassagain.

“Getheranother,makeitadouble,”Averychuckledasthewaitresswalkedtoherside.

“Itwasadouble,”Ilaughed.

Averyraisedhereyebrows,“Triple?”

“Hell,whynot,”IsighedasIturnedtowardSydney.

Shetossedherhairoverhershoulderandbegantalkingasifitwasjustanotherday.

“Okay,theyallrodedowntoTexas,Biscuit,Cambio,Slice,andOtis.They

hadameetingdownthere.Whenthemeetingended,aguywalkedoutofthebuildingwhoCambiorecognizedasoneofhisformerMarinefriendshehadn’tseenforyears.He’dactuallylivedhisentirelife,postwar,thinkingthisguywasdead.Afteralittle

reunionintheparkinglotofsorts,acarpulledupalongsidethegroup,andthedriverpulledoutagun,threateningCambio’sMarinefriend.And,CambiobeingCambio,hejumpedinfrontofthebarreljustbeforetheguypulledthetrigger,savingthelifeofhisfriend.Hetook

thebulletinthechest.Itcollapsedhislungandbrokehiscollarbone,buthe’sfinenow.Well,prettymuchanyway.”

“OhdearGod.Whendidallthishappen?”Iaskedasthewaitresshandedmemydrink.

“Uhhm.Let’ssee.The

bankrobberywasaboutfourmonthsorsoago.Giveortake.TheTexasdeal,maybetwomonthsago,”sheshrugged.

“Allofthat,inthelastfourmonths?”IgaspedasIraisedmyglasstomylipsanddrankhalfthedrinkinonegulp.

Shenoddedherhead,“Yep.”

IglancedatAvery.

Shegrinnedandshruggedhershoulders.

IturnedtowardSydneyandstaredforalongmoment.

“Sothehomelessthing,whathappenedthere?”

Iasked.

“Oh,rightaftertherobberyCambiogavemeahousetolivein.Itwasoneofhisrentalhouses.Andhegavemeajobathisbarbequerestaurantasawaitress,whichIlovebytheway.Then,wegotengaged,Imovedintohishouse,and

nowwelivetogether,”sheresponded.

“Wow,”IsaidasIdrankmyremainingvodkacranberry.

IturnedtowardAveryandsighed.

“AndyouandAxton?How’dthatcomeaboutifyoudon’tmindmeasking?”I

asked.

“Don’tmindatall.WemetatthebarIwasworkingat.Iwasstillinschool,asenior.Ihitonhim,andhitonhim,tryingtogethimtolikeme,butitdidn’twork.Wewerejusthangingouteverynowandagain,butnosexoranything.You

know,justmeridingonhisbikeandstuff.Onenightafewmonthslater,wewereatapartyattheclubhouse,andsomedoofusstartedhittingonme.Axtonjustlostit.Hebeattheguyhalftodeath,tossedhiminthestreet,andtoldmetogetonhisbike.Igoton,andtherestis

history,”sheblurted.

IglancedatSydney,staredblanklyforamoment,andturnedtofaceAvery.

“Beattheguyhalftodeath?”Iasked.

“Yeah,itwasprettybad,”shesighed.

“Coupleofshootingsandabeatinginthecourseof

afewmonths?”IaskedasIreachedformyglass.

Thetwogirlsturnedtofaceeachotherandstartedlaughing.Astheyeachturnedtofaceme,theynoddedtheirheadsatthesametime.

“Yeah,that’saboutit,”Sydneylaughed,“Iwouldn’ttradeorchange

Cambiofortheworld.”

“Meneither,”Averyshrugged,“Axton’sasgoodasgold.”

AsIstaredatmyglass,wishingitwasaquintuple,thewaitresspassed.Asshenoticedmegazingintotheemptyglass,shepointedatmeandraised

hereyebrows.InoddedmyheadasIraisedmyglassintheair.Sheraisedherhandandextendedtwofingers.Ishookmyhead.Sheraisedthree.Inodded.Sheturnedtowardthebarandwalkedaway.

“That’sagoodwaitress,”IsaidasIturned

towardthegirls.

“Kat?”Averysaid,“She’sthebest.”

“Youknowher?”Iasked.

Shenoddedherhead,“Shewenttoschoolwithmeandplayedvolleyball.She’sayearyoungerthanme.Shegraduatesthisyear.”

Inoddedmyhead.

“She’sfuckingBiscuit,”shechuckled.

“Bigguywiththebeard?”Inodded.

“That’sBiscuit,”shesighed.

Asthewaitressplacedthedrinkonthetable,Averystareddownatitandlaughed.

“You’regoingtobeamesshereprettyquick,Sam.That’swhat,eightshotsinhalfanhour?”sheasked.

Shewasrightforthemostpart,butIwasalreadyalittlemorethanhalfdrunk.Generallyspeaking,mylimitwasonedrink,knowingifIhadtwo,I’dbedrunk.Having

hadadouble,andatriple,andnowhavinganothertriple,itwouldstandtoreasonwithamatterofminutesI’dneedsomeonetotakemehomeinashoppingcart.Ifeltanalmostnecessitytotellsomekindofastorytocompetewithwhattheyhadshared,butIhadverylittletooffer.I

glanceddownatthedrink,shiftedmygazetomeetAvery’s,andshruggedmyshouldersasmymouthcurledintoasmile.

“Hell,Iwalkedhere.I’veonlygottostumbleabouttwohundredfeettogethome.It’sbeenalongday.OtisandIwenttoamovieandhe

fuckedmehalfsenselessinthetheatre,whichwasfabulousbytheway.NowI’mjustunwindingandtryingdesperatelytobesocial.Inormallyhategirlsbecausethey’resocompetitiveandcatty,butyoutwoarefun,”IsaidasIreachedformydrink.

“Youhadsexinthetheater?Whichone,thatrattyoneoneastKellogg?”Averylaughed.

Ishookmyhead,“No,theWarrenTheater.Thereallyniceonerightupthestreethere.”

“YoufuckedintheWarren?”shegasped.

“Suredid,”IsaidasItookasipofmydrink.

“Holyshit,”Averygasped.

“Likefucked?Fuckedaround,orfucked?”sheaskedassheleanedintothetable.

Itookanothershortsipofmydrinkandgrinned,

“Well,Igotdownonmykneesinfrontofhimwhilethemoviewasstartingandsuckedhiscockfirst.ThenIgotupandrodehimreversecowgirluntilIcamealloverhiscock.Itwasawesome.Oh,andwegotastandingovationonthewayout.Nojoke,theentirefrontrow

stoodupandclappedasweleft.”

Averyraisedherhandintheairandturnedherpalmtofaceme.Iraisedmyhandintheairandslappeditagainsthers.Assheshookherheadfromside-to-side,Sydneyraisedherhand.Islappedmineagainsthersand

noddedmyhead.

“TotheSinners,”Sydneysaidassheraisedherglassoftea,“Neveradullmoment.”

“TotheSinners,”Averysaidassheraisedherglass.

Iglanceddownatmyglass.Withblurredvisionand

anunsteadyhand,Ipickeditupandsomehowraisedittothetoast.Asourglassesclankedtogether,Iburped,sloshedhalfmydrinkontothetable,andsaidmyowntoast.

“TotheSinners,andtobeingstuffedfullofsomuchdickthatithurtstosit

down,”Igiggled,“andtogettingstandingovations,andcleaningupthequartofcumwithOtis’no-shows.”

“Otiswearsno-shows,”Averylaughed.

“Hesuredoes,andgather‘round,ladies.I’vegotafewstoriestotellyouaboutOtis,”IsaidasIraisedmy

glasstomylips.

Yeah,Ithinkwe’regoingtogetalongjustfine,ladies.

Iclankedmyglassontothetable,satbackinmyseat,andbegantotellthestoryofthenightOtisducttapedmenakedtoatreewhilewearingakilt.

NotbecauseIfeltaneedtobecompetitive,butbecauseIwantedtomakesuretheyknewIwasoneofthem.

Anequal.

TheOl’LadyofaSinner.

OTISIfthelifeofaSinnerhadtaughtmenothingelse,ittaughtmetoalwayskeepmyguardup,regardlessofthe

companyIwaskeepingortheeventssurroundingme.Whenlifeseemedtoogoodtobetrue,itwasalwaystimetoglanceovermyshouldersandmakesureofwhoorwhatwasbehindme.Itwasn’tthatIbelievedlifewouldn’toffermewhatwasgood,itwasmoremybeliefthatthelaws

ofaveragewouldalwaysmakesuretokeepmeincheckbytossingmeashitsandwichfromtimetotime.

Thethingaboutashitsandwichisthis.

Assoonasyoubiteintoit,youknowonethingforabsolutecertain.

Youjustbitintoashit

sandwich.

“Sobothofyouwanttogointherewithme?”Jackaskednervously.

“Ifyoureallythinkweneedto,”Toadshrugged.

“SameasgoingtotalktothecopsinthejointfarasI’mconcerned.Younevergoalonetotalktotheman.

Alwaysgoinpairs,thatwaynobodycanstartthehesaidshesaidshit.Ijustwantwitnesses,”Jacksaidashepeeredintotheshop.

“Sure,we’llgo,”IsaidasIsteppedpasthim,“Comeon.”

Wewalkedtotheofficedoortogether,andafter

makingsuretheywereatmyside,Iknockedonitsharply.

Axton,obviouslyrecognizingmyknock,respondedthroughthecloseddoor,“Otis?Comeonin.”

Ipulledthedooropenslightlyandpeekedinside,“It’sthethreeofus,Slice.ToadandJackarewithme,

gotaminute?”

“Always,asfarasyouthreefuckersareconcerned.Comeonin,”herespondedasheclosedthebookinfrontofhim.

“Comeon,”IsaidasIwavedmyarmtowardthetwomen.

Ipulledachairfrom

thetableandsatdown,andToaddidthesame.Jackbegantonervouslypacebackandforthacrossthefloor,staringdownathisbootsashewalked.

“Youalright,BigJack?”AxtonaskedashiseyesfollowedJack’ssteps.

“Befineboss.Just

thinking,”hesaidasheglancedup.

Afterwalkingbackandforthafewmoretimes,hestopped,pulledoutachairatthecornerofthetable,andsatdown.

“Permissiontospeakcandidly,”Jacksighed.

Axtonglancedatme,

shiftedhiseyestowardToad,andeventuallyfixedhiseyesonJack.

“Whatthefuck’sgoingon?”Axtonaskedashestoodfromhisseatandcrossedhisarms.

Immediately,Jackstoodfromhisseat.

“Sitdown,”Axton

snapped,“Whatthefuck’sgoingonhere?”

Jacksatdown,glanceddownathisbootsforamoment,andsighed.

“Sure,whatever.Speakfreely,”Axtonhuffed.

“Thinkwe’vegotacopintheclub,boss?”Jacksaidasheglancedup.

Whatthefuck?

“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?”Axtonbellowed.

ToadimmediatelystoodandturnedtowardJack.

“Sitthefuckdown,Toad,”Axtondemandedasheuncrossedhisarms.

“Thereain’tacop

patchedininthisMC,Icanguaranteeyouthatmuch.Nowwhatbroughtyouinhere?Whathappened?”Axtonbarked.

Jackstoodfromhisseat,“Sorry,boss.Igottostand.Hearmeout,okay?”

Axtonnoddedhishead,“Fuckit,Iguessyou

canwalk.AndI’mlistening.”

AsJackpacedthefloor,hebegantospeak,“Well,whenIwasinthejoint,wehadcopsthattookustotheholeintheelevatorwhenwegotawriteup.Theyhadthisspecialkey,itlookslikeoneofthemroundkeysforasodamachine,butit’s

abouthalfinchlonger.Elevatorrepairmenhave‘emtoo,butthat’saboutit.Itletsyoustickthekeyintheelevator,turnonanoverride,andmakeitgototherooforthebasementorwhatever.NowwhenIwasincourtthefirsttime,andthesecondtimeforthatmatter,Isawthe

samething.TheUSMarshallandtheATFfellasthattookmetocourtinthebeginning,andagaintheotherday,theybothhad‘em.Theyhadtoput‘emintheelevatortogetdowntothebasementtotheircars.”

Axtoncrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestand

inhaledalongslowbreathashewaitedforJacktocontinue.

“There’sonlyacoupleofelevatormanufacturers,DoverandOtis.Mostofthekeyssayoneofthosetwonameson‘em.KindoflookslikeaHarleykeytoo,nowthatI

thinkofit,”hesaid.

“Goddamnit,BigJack,gettothepoint,”Axtongrowled.

Jackstoppedpacing,turnedtofaceAxton,andcrossedhisarms,“ThatfellatheycallGunner,boss.He’sgotoneofthemkeysonhiskeyring.ItsaysDoveronit

forsure,Ilookedatit.Andunlesshe’srepairingelevatorsontheside,he’sprobablyafedoraprisonguard.”

“Ifuckingknewit.Phonyasspieceoflyingshit.Motherfuckersayshewasintheshit,Inevertrustedhisphonyass,”Toadblurtedas

hestoodfromhisseat.

“Goddamnsonofamotherfuckingbitch,”Axtonsaidasheturnedtowardthecabinetsonthewall.

“Hell,he’sbeenhereforyears,hecan’tbeacop.Whovouchedhimintheclub?”AxtonaskedashereachedfortheMembers

book.

“Don’tneedthebook,Slice.Icantellyouwhovouchedhimin,”Isighed.

“Who?”Axtonaskedasheturnedaround.

Simultaneously,ToadandIresponded,“Hollywood.”

“Fuck!”Axton

shoutedashekickedthetablewiththetoeofhisboot,almostknockingitoverentirely.

HeglaredatToadforalongmoment,andthenfixedhiseyesonme.Isatsilently,andattemptedtothinkofwhyGunnerwouldneedanelevatorkey.AsI

drewanabsoluteblank,Axtonkickedthetableagain.

“Fuck!Fuck!Fuck!”hescreamedasheturnedtowardthedoor.

“Who’sthatcocksuckerrunwith?”heasked.

Ishruggedmyshoulders.AxtonturnedtofaceToad.

“Ranwith‘Wood.Well,till‘Woodcommittedsuicide,”Toadsighed.

“Fuck!”Axtonyelledashekickedthetableagain.

“YouGoddamnedonefuckinghundredpercentsurehe’sgotanelevatoroverridekey?Onefuckinghundred,notninety-nine.You

sure?”AxtonaskedasheturnedtowardJack.

“Wouldn’tbehereifIwasn’tboss.Hundredpercent,”Jacknodded.

“Fuck!”Axtonshouted.

InanattempttosettleAxtondown,Istoodfrommyseat.

“Let’stalkaboutthis,whatarewegoingtodo?”Iasked.

“Torturehisass,gethimtoadmitit,andkillthefucker.Prettysimpleshit,”Axtonshrugged.

“I’lldoit,”Toadsaidashestood.

Axtonshookhishead,

“I’llfuckingdoit.”

“Holdup,boss,”Jacksaidasheraisedhishandintheair.

“Youkillthisfuckernoworyouevenkillhimlater,fed’swillbeonthisclublikeshitonashoe.Whoeversenthimknowshe’shere.Hecomesup

missingorturnsupdead,we’refucked,”Jackexplained.

AxtonturnedtowardJackandshookhisheadfromside-to-sideandsighed.

“Well,whatthefuckdoyousuggest?”hegrowled.

Thethoughtofacopbeinginthegroupwas

unthinkabletome.Gunnerbeingthecopwasmuchmorebelievablethananyoneelse,heseemedtoalwaysbearound,butinthesamerespect,hewasn’taroundwhenheneededtobe.AsIsatandthoughtaboutit,hedidseemtoaskahellofalotofquestions.Hedamnedsure

didn’tlooklikeatypicalcop,butafterseeingwhattheATFagentlookedlikeincourt,hedamnedsurecouldbeanATFagent.

DoinglifeinprisonundertheRICOactdidn’tappealtomeatall.

“Isaywekilltheprick,”IsaidasIlookedup.

Jackshookhishead,“It’llbringtheheatinheresoGoddamnedquick,it’llmakeyourheadsspin.”

“What’stheanswer?”Axtonasked.

“Well,he’sgonnabewearingawire,youcanbetonthat.Soweneedtogethimwherewecantalktohim

andthewireain’tanygood.Won’tbeeasy,himbeingacopandall,butwe’llhavetodoit.Anybodygotaswimmingpool?”Jackasked.

“Awhat?Afuckingswimmingpool?”Axtonhuffed.

Jacknoddedhishead,“Yeahapool.Makehisass

getinthepool.Waterwillruinthewire.OnlywayIknowforsure,otherthanstrippinghimdown,andthenyoustilldon’tknow.Fuckingthingscanbeintheirhair,ears,hellsomeofthefellasinthejointsaidtheyevenhad‘emsewnintotheirclothes.Soifyoumakehimstrip,and

hetosseshisclothesinapilebesidehim,hecanstillbelistening,”Jacksaidasheraisedhishandtohisear.

“Biscuit’sgotapool,”Isaid.

“Suredoes,”Axtonagreed.

“Fuck.Alright.I’llgetwithBiscuit.We’llneedto

gethimovertherewithoutmakinghimnervous.Howintheabsolutefuckarewegoingtodothat?”Axtonshrugged.

“HaveBiscuittellhimwe’vegotsomepussyoverthere?”Jackshrugged,“Butdon’ttellhimthere’sapool,fed’shatebeingaroundpools.

He’llknowwhat’supforsureandhe’llcallinthetroops.”

“Andwewon’tsayanythingoutloud.Iknowthatmuch,”Axtonsaidashepulledhisnotepadoutandshookit.

“I’llwriteeverythingdownandmakehimdothesame.Sonofafuckingbitch,

Ihopeyou’rewrong,”Axtonsaidashetossedhispadonthetable.

“Youfellasgooutintheshopandactlikenothinghappened.Isthefuckerouttherenow?”Axtonasked.

Inoddedmyhead.

Axtonswunghislegupandkickedthetablehard

enoughtoliftitfromthefloorthreefeet.

“Fuck!”heyelled.

“Biscuit?”heasked.

“Nope,thinkhe’sfuckingthegirlfromthebar,”Iresponded.

“Alright,I’llcallhim.Stayoutintheshop,andjustfollowmylead.I’llbeoutin

aminute,”Axtonsaid.

Aswewalkedtothedoor,Axtonclearedhisthroat,“BigJack?”

“Yeahboss,”JacksaidasheturnedtofaceAxton.

“Cutlooksgood.Andaboutthis…”Axtonsighedandshookhisheadashe

gazeddownatthefloor.

AsAxtonglancedup,hecontinued,“Goodlookin’out,Jack.Goodlookin’out.”

Jacknoddedhishead,“Justdoin’myjob,boss.”

Anounceofdevotionismorepowerfulthanalifetimeofknowledgeoraheartfilledwithfaith.

Devotionhastheabilitytomakeeventheweakestmendevelopstrength,andthefear-filledbecomebrave.

Jackwasdevotedtotheclub,therewasnodoubtinmymind.

Iwasdevotedtotheclub,andtothewomanIloved,Sam.IfJackwas

correct,andGunnerwasacop,hethreatenedtotakethetwothingsfrommeIwasdevotedtoandtrulyloved.

AndinnowaywasIgoingtoletthathappen.

Notwithoutonehellofafight.

SAMIsatontheporchwithmyheadinmyhandsandcried.Ihadneverreallycriedmuchasachildoranadult,butI

seemedtobemakingupforitnow.Thelossofmyfatheraspre-teenwasdifficult,butIsomehowacceptedit.Thelossofmymother,althoughuntimelyandbyaveryoddseriesofcircumstances,hadalsobeenaccepted.Thelossofherbelovedcat,however,wasthestrawthatbrokethe

camel’sback.

InmyexcitementtoseeOtis’car,Ihadleftinahurry,leavingthefrontdooropen.Afterthemovieandmytriptothebar,Istumbledtomyhotelroominadrunkenstupor.Returningtomymother’shousethenextdayrevealedthedoorhadbeen

leftopen,butmythoughtsdidn’timmediatelyincludethecat.OnlyafteranentiredayofworkingwithoutinterruptiondidIrealizethecatwasgone.

Iwipedmyeyesandglancedtomyside.Adishoffood,anotherofwater,andthreesmallstuffedtoyssat

besideme.Igazedoutintothedarkyardandattemptedtoregainmycomposure.Afteramomentofsnivelingandwipingmytiredeyes,Iraisedmycuppedhandtomymouth.

“Taaaaaylor.Kitty,kitty…Taaaaaylor…comeherekitty,”Iblubbered.

Iscannedtheyardforanymovement.

Nothing.AsIloweredmyface

intomyhands,myphonebeeped.Ipickeditupandswipedmyfingeracrossthescreen.AmessagefromAveryrevealedherbestadviceregardingthelossof

mymother’scat.

Istareddownatthescreen.

Avery:Shakeabagofcatfoodandmakeitrattle.Itworkseverytime.

Aftertypingaquickthankyouresponse,Isetmyphoneasideandpickedupthesackofcatfood.Itseemed

ridiculous,butIstoodupandbegantoshakethesackviolently.Afterwhatseemedlikenomorethanafewsecondsofshakingit,Iheardarustlingsoundintheshrubberybesidethehouse,andTaylorjumpedontotheporch.

“Meow…”

Idroppedthesackoffoodontotheporchandreacheddownwithbothhandsandpickedherup.Immediately,shebegantopurr.Iheldherclosetomychest,walkedintothehouse,andclosedthedoor.I’dneveractuallyheldacatbeforeandthereforehadnoexperience

doingso,butsheseemedtolikethewayIwasholdingher.Iwalkedtotheloveseat,satdownandplacedherbesidewhereIwassitting.

Sheimmediatelyjumpedinmylap,walkedinafewcircles,andfloppeddownonherside.Asshelayinmylapcontinuingtopurr,

shegazedupatmewithhergoldeneyesandblinkedafewtimesveryslowly.Withinafewminutes,shewasasleep.Isatonthecouchforsometime,thinkingofmymother,andwhatsatisfactionshemusthavereceivedfromhavingthecatasheronlyhousemate.Therewasno

doubtinmymindmymotherhadlovedthecat,andoutofrespect,IdecidedIneededtodothesame,evenifitproveddifficult.

Carefully,Iliftedthecatfrommylapandsetherasideontheloveseat.Aftercleaningtheporchofherfood,water,andtoys,I

walkedbacktotheloveseatandsatdown.Stillasleepinaball,Taylorappearedtobeunawareoruncaringofthegriefshehadcausedme.Ishookmyhead,grinned,andsentAveryatextmessagelettingherknowIhadfoundthecat.

Tired,relieved,and

slightlybored,IopenedthebrowserofmyphoneandtypedafewwordsintotheGooglesearchwindow.

Whatdoesitmeanwhenacatblinksslowly

Ascreenfullofanswerspoppedup,andIclickedonthefirstoneandreadthearticle.

Slowblinkingbyacat(sortofaneyes-almost-closedlook,almosttrance-like)isagoodsign—onethatsays,“You’remybuddy,andIfeelcomfortablehangingoutwithyou.”

Ifinishedthearticle,tossedthephonetomyside,andshiftedmyeyestoward

thesleepingcat.

Afterafewsecondsofwatchinghersleep,Ireacheddownandranmyhandalongherbody.Herfurwassoft,similartothefauxfurcoatsforsaleinthemallatwintertime.Iranmyhandalongherfuragain,amazedbythesoftnessofit.She

turnedherheadandopenedhereyes.Astheslitsinthecenterincreasedintolargeblackdots,Ismiledatherandblinkedmyeyesafewtimes.

Slowly.

OTISAxtonsatinachaironBiscuit’spatiostaringdownatthetableinfrontofhim.Onthetable-aSigSauer

pistol,Axton’spistol,akeychain,andAxton’snotepad.TheclothesthatGunnerhadbeenwearingwereinBiscuit’sgarage.Althoughwedidn’tfindawire,andGunnersworehewasn’twearingone,wehadfoundenoughevidencetobelieveJackwascorrectinhis

assumption.

ThepistolwefoundinthesaddlebagonGunner’sbikehadmagazinesinitmarked“LawEnforcementOnly”andhiskeychainincludedanelevatoroverridekey.

Afterseveralminutesofawkwardsilence,Axton

pickedupGunner’spistolandwalkedalongtheedgeofthepool.

“DonotsayafuckingworduntilIaskyouto,”AxtonsaidashereachedtheareaofthepoolwhereGunnerwastreadingwater.

“Don’tthinkforonemotherfuckingminutethatI

won’tkillyouandmakeitlooklikeasuicide,youpieceofshit,”Axtonsaidashekneltbesidethepool.

“I’mgoingtoaskyouafewquestions,andbasedonyourresponses,I’llmakeafewdecisionsonwhat’sintheclubsbestinterest,”Axtonsaidasheraisedthepistolin

theair.

“Thisisyours,bytheway.Justtoclearthingsup,”Axtonsaidflatly.

“Irealizecontrarytopopularbeliefyou’renotboundbylawtoanswerthisquestiontruthfully,butI’llaskyouanyway.Areyoulawenforcement?”Axtonasked

withoutsomuchasanounceofemotion.

AsGunnercontinuedtotreadwater,heclosedhiseyesmomentarily,openedthem,andsighed,“Yes.”

Axtonclosedhiseyesandshookhishead,“Fed?”

“ATF,”Gunnerrespondedalmost

breathlessly.

Hehadbeentreadingwaterforatleastthirtyminutes,andwasbreathingprettyheavily.

“Outfuckingstanding.Now,ifyou’reafedwhyareyoutellingmethis?”Axtonaskedasheopenedhiseyes.

“FarasIknow…

there’sonlyoneway…outofthis…anditincludesmewalkingaway…fromhere.Anythingelsehappensandthey’ll…comedownonyou…andtheSinners…likethewrathofGod.Letmeoutofthepool…andwe’lldiscussit,”herespondedinabrokensentence.

“Fuckyou,motherfucker.Shootthisprick,Slice,”BiscuitholleredashereachedoutwiththelongrodandpulledthepoolcleaningnetoverGunnersheadagain.

AsBiscuitpushedGunnerunderthewaterfortheumpteenthtime,Axton

shookhisheadandstood.

“Goddamnit,Biscuit,Idon’tlikeitanymorethanyoudo,butouroptionsarelimited.Lethimup,”Axtongrowledashepushedthepistolintothewaistofhispants.

“Hearwhathe’sgottosay,boss,”Jacksaid.

AxtonglancedtowardBiscuitandsighed,“Lethimup,Biscuit.Hecanswimhisfuckingassovertotheshallowendandstandthere.”

HeshiftedhiseyestowardGunnerandhisfacechangedtooneofdisgust.

“Godownthereandstand,I’mnotlettingyouget

outofthefuckingpool,”Axtonsaidashepointedtotheshallowendofthepool.

AfterBiscuitliftedthenetfromGunner’shead,hestruggledtoswimtotheotherendofthepool.Clearlyexhausted,scared,anduncertainofwhathisfutureheld,Ihopedwhateverhe

plannedontellingAxtonwasenoughtoconvinceallofusofwhathehopedtoconvinceusof.Rightnow,themajorityofthemeninattendancepreferredhimdead.Ashewadedthroughtheshallowwater,Axtonbarkedouthisorder.

“Stoprightthere,

whateveryourfuckingnameis,”Axtonsaidashereachedthethighdeepwater.

AfterAxtonwalkedtotheshallowendofthepoolandcroucheddown,Toad,Jack,BiscuitandIfollowed.UponourreachingtheotherendandstandingbehindAxton,Gunnerbeganto

speak.

“You’vebeenmyfieldassignmentfortwoandalmostonehalfyears.There’snooneelseonthisinvestigation.Isweartoyou.Ihadameetingafewweeksagowiththedirector,andhe’spissedbecauseIclaimedIwasn’treadytotestify

beforeaFederalGrandJury…”

Axtoninterruptedhimashestoodfromhiskneelingposition.InhissignatureI’mnotveryfuckinghappypose,hecrossedhisarmsandflexedhisbiceps.

“Whatinthefuckdoesthishavetodowith

anything?Let’sgetonethingstraight.Idon’tlikecops.You’reacop.IfItookavoterightnow,atleastfourofthesefellaswouldagreetokillyou.Mymathskillsaren’ttoodamnedshabby,andthat’seightyfuckingpercent,excludingyou.Damnedsureamajority,”

Axtonsaid.

“Look,”Gunnersaidasheraisedhishandsintheair.

“Istartedinvestigatingyouonguns.Inthelasttwoyears,youreallyhaven’tdoneanythingcontrarytolaw.Mightbeastretch,butpossiblyselling

gunstoaprohibitedpersonisallIcancomeupwith.Toindictyou,Ineedtotestifyandturninmyreports.Reportscomefirst.IfIdon’t,there’snocase.Period.Endofstory.I’llagreetonottestify,how’sthat?”Gunnerasked.

“You’vegottobe

fuckin’shittin’me,”BiscuitsaidasheswungthetenfootlongpolefromthenetintoGunner’shead.

Whack!Thepoleglanced

downacrosshisbrowandcuthisnose.AsBiscuitraisedthesteelrodoverhishead,obviouslypreparingtosmack

himagain,Toad,Jack,andIallstoodchucklingatBiscuit’sbehavior.Axton,however,wasn’tamused.

“Younogoodson-of-a-fuckin’-cop-bitch,”Biscuithowledasheraisedthepole,“I’lljustbeatyoutodeathiftheywon’tletmeshootyou.”

“Godfuckingdamnit,

Biscuit.Putthepoledown,”Axtonholleredasheraisedhishandsintheair.

“Ain’thappenin’,Slice.Thesefuckin’cops,youcan’ttrust‘em.ProbablygotaSmithandWesson.44Magnumshoveduphisassasabackuppiece.I’mkeepin’thepole,”Biscuitsaidashe

heldthepoleinhishandslikeaLacrossestick.

AxtonshookhisheadashelookeddownatGunner,andeventuallyhebegantolaugh.

“Well,don’thithimwiththefuckeragainunlessItellyouto,”hechuckled.

“Idon’ttrustyouany

furtherthanIcanthrowyourfatass.Don’tthinkIcanagreetothat,”Axtonsighedashekneltdownattheedgeofthepool.

“You’vegottwooptions,”Gunnersighed,“Killme,orletmego.That’sit.”

“Fuckthis

motherfucker,Slice.He’stryin’thatcoppsycho-babblemindgameshitonus,”Biscuitsaidasheraisedthepoleoverhishead.

Axtonraisedhishandintheair,“Putitdown,Goddamnit,Biscuit.”

“Man’sgotapoint,boss,”Jacksighed,“We’ve

gottwooptions.Killhim,orlethimgo.”

Axton,clearlywellbeyondfrustrated,tossedhishandsintheairasifgivingup,“Well,whatthefuckdoyoufourfuckerswanttodo?”

“Killhim,”Biscuitsaid.

“Same.Isaywekill

him,”Toadnodded.

“Wanttokillhimboss,butitisn’ttoopractical.Soonashedoesn’treportin,they’llcometotheclubhouse,”Jackshrugged.

MythoughtsmirroredJack’s.Mykneejerkreactionwastokillhim,butforsomereasonIquestionedmy

naturalthoughtsandconsideredwhatmightbemoresensible,somethingIhadnotalwaysdoneinthepast.Inmattersregardingtheclub,Ialmostimmediatelywentwithmygutfeelinganddealtwiththeconsequenceslater.Istoodquietlythinking,sensingallofthemen’seyes

werefixedonme;waitingonmyresponse.IglancedupatAxton,fullyrealizingitwasSamandmyloveforherthatcausedmyreservationtomurderhim,butknewnottorevealmythoughts.

Whatitisweloveimmediatelybecomessacred,andwe’lldowhateverwe

musttopreserveit.

“Handmethegun,”IsaidflatlyasIextendedmyarm.

“Weneedtotalkaboutthis,myfuckinghead’sspinning,”Axtonshruggedasheshookhishead.

Irolledmyshouldersrearward,flexedmychestand

changedmytonetoaverydemandingone,“Handme…”

“Thefuckinggun,”IsaidasItookasteptowardAxton.

Axton’seyeswidenedashetookasteprearward.

Iturnedtowardthedeependofthepooland

stompedtowardthetablewhereAxtonhadbeensitting.Aftergrabbinghispersonalpistolfromthetable,Islidthesliderearwardandcheckedtoensuretherewasaroundinthechamber.AsItookthefewstepsbacktowardtheshallowendofthepool,allfivemenbegantospeakat

once.

“Shutthefuckup.Everyfuckingoneofyou.Justshutthefuckup,especiallyyou,”IsaidasIpointedthepistolatGunner.

Gunnerstoodapproximatelyfivefeetfromtheendofthepoolinthighdeepwater.Aslongasmy

legswere,reachinghiminonesurprisingstepwouldn’tbedifficultatall.Withoutahintofrevelationofmythoughts,Ileapedintothepoolandbeforehewasabletoreact,grabbedahandfulofhishairinmylefthand.AsIpulledhisheadrearward,Ipressedthebarrelofthepistol

intohiseyesocket.

“Goddamnit,Otis,”Axtonscreamed.

“Shootthemotherfucker!”Biscuithollered.

“Otis!”Axtonyelledagain.

“Shutthefuckup!”Iscreamedovermyshoulder.

IturnedmyheadtofaceGunner,andfixedmyeyesonhisoneavailableeye.AsIspoke,Itwistedthebarrelofthepistolintohiseyesocket,makingthesituationasuncomfortableforhimasIcould.

“Listentome,motherfucker,andlisten

good.I’mnotliketheseotherfourfuckers.I’mthequietoneyouneedtoworryabout.You’vebeenheretwoandahalfyears,soyouknowI’mtheprotectorofthisfuckingMC,regardlessofwhowearstheSAApatch,”Igrowled.

“You’vegotoneopportunitytoanswereach

questionIask.One.Ifyoudon’t,I’llpullthisfuckingtrigger,”IsaidasIpulledthehammerofthepistolrearwarduntilitclickedintoplace.

Axton’spistolwasadoubleactionH&K,anddidn’trequirethatIpullthehammerrearwardtofireit.

Pullingthetriggerwithoutpullingthehammerrearwardrequiredamorelengthypullofthetrigger,andmoreforce.Pullingthetriggerwiththehammercockedrequiredminimaleffort.Somecalledthetriggereffortrequiredinthispositionahairtrigger,becauseallyouhadtodoto

firetheweaponwasmovethetriggerahair,andwithhisATFtraining,Gunnerwouldknowthisifanyonedid.

“Otis!”AxtonscreamedasIcockedthehammer.

“What’syourGodgivenname?”Idemanded.

“Allen.AllenPintler,”

Gunnercoughed.

“Currentplaceofresidence,”Igrunted.

Afternomorethanalongsecondofsilence,Ipushedthepistolintohiseyeandclosedmyeyes.

“Wichita.RighthereinWichita,”hecried.

“Gotawifeand

kids?”Iasked.

“Uhhm.Iuhhm,yeah.Ihaveafamily,”heblubbered.

Good,thenthisshouldbeeasy.

“You’vegotoneoptionandoneoptiononly,andI’mgoingtoexplainittoyou.You’regoingtogetout

ofthispool,dryoff,getdressedinsomeofBiscuit’sclothes,andyouandIaregoingtogotoyourhouseinBiscuit’struck.You’regoingtoprovetomethatit’syourhousebyshowingmeyourfuckingmail,picturesofyouwithyourfuckingwife,andpicturesofyouwithyour

kids.Yourkidsoldenoughtohavelaptops?”Iasked.

“What?Laptops?”hemuttered.

“Easyquestion,motherfucker.Doyourfuckingkidshavelaptops?”Igrowled.

“Yeah,theybothdo,”hesnappedback.

“Alright,again,listencarefully,”IsaidasIchangedmyvoicetoamorecalmtone.

“You’regoingtoallowusaccesstotheirlaptops,andwe’regoingtoputaLoJackonthem,justtomakesureyoudon’ttryandrunanywhere.We’lltrack

yourkid’swhereabouts,andwe’regoingtoputoneonyourbikeandyourpersonalcaraswell.Andwe’lltrackyou.YoueitherrefusetotestifytotheGrandJury,orI’mgoingtokillyourwifeandkids.It’sthatsimple.Thisisn’tathreat,it’sasolemnpromise.IfI’mgoing

tospendlifeinprison,itisn’tgoingtobeonyourterms,it’sgoingtobeonmine,”Ipausedandraisedmyeyebrows,givinghimamomenttoconsiderwhatIhadsaid.

“Youagreetotheseconditions?”IaskedasIpressedthepistolagainsthis

eye.

“Ohfuck.Uhhm,yeah,Iagree.Don’thurtmykids,justdon’thurtmykids,”hebegantoblubber.

“It’salluptoyou,SpecialAgentAllenPintler.It’salluptoyou,”IsaidasIpulledthepistolawayfromhisface,loweredthehammer,

andextendedmyrightarmrearward.

AsIcontinuedtoholdhishairinmyleftfist,someonetookthepistolfrommygrasp.Ireleasedhishairandwalkedtothecornerofthepool.Afterwalkingupthestepsandontothedeck,alleyeswerefixedonme.

“Sorry,Slice.ItwastheonlythingIcouldthinkof,”Ishrugged.

Axtonshookhisheadandgrinned,“LoJack’s?Wherethefuckdidyoucomeupwiththat?”

“Gotoneonmycarandmylaptop,”Ishrugged,“Theyworkgood,youcan

tracktheminrealtimeontheinternet.”

“Getoutofthepool,”AxtongrowledashehandedToadtheagent’sgun.

“Toad’sgoingwithyou.Toad,ifhetriesanything,andImeananything,dowhateverawartornMarinethinksisbest,”

Axtonsaid.

“Gotit,Slice,”Toadresponded.

AgentPintlersurelylovedhischildren,andhewasdoingwhathemusttopreservethatlove,andkeepitsacred.

Andinmanyrespects,Iwassimplydoingthesame.

SAMYetanotherweekandahalfhadpassed,andasmuchasIknewatsomepointintimeIwouldneedtogobacktoSt.

Louis,doingsowasadifferentstory.ToleaveWichita,evenforafewdays,wasunthinkabletome.Leavingmymother’shome,leavingtheonlygirlfriendsIfeltIeverhad,andleavingOtiswasmorethanIwasabletoagreetodo.

AlthoughIbelieved

theywouldallbewaitingformeuponmyreturn,thethoughtofwalkingawayfromtheonesIlovedwasn’tsomethingIwascomfortabledoing.ThelongerIthoughtaboutit,thecleareritbecame-myfearwasthepotentiallossofoneorallofthem.

IhadlosteveryoneI

caredforinmylife;myfather,Otis,andthenmymother.Now,feelingasifIhadreconnectedwithOtis,leavinghim,evenforashortperiodoftime,wastorisklosinghim.

Andlosinghimwasnotanoption.

Ipushedtheboxto

theside,stood,andglancedaroundtheroom.Asmyheadbegantospinfromthethoughtofitall,mystomachbegantoheave.Whatmymotherhadwarnedmeofsincemychildhoodwasactuallyhappening–Ihadclearlyworriedmyselfsick.

Irandownthe

hallwayandreachedthetoiletjustintimetovomit.AsIkneltonthefloor,huggingthecoldporcelaininmyarms,IdecidedifIwasgoingtoleave,rightnowwasn’tthetimetothinkaboutit.MaybeIjustneededtoseeifIcouldconvinceOtistogowithmeandhelpmepack.

Afterthepatchinpartywasover,Icouldseeifhewouldgo.Atthattimehe’dhavenorealreasontostay,atleasttherewasnothingscheduledwiththeclubasfarasIknew.WhenIfinallyfeltlikeIwasdonevomitingupwhatlittlebreakfastIhadeaten,Istood,

washedmyface,brushedmyteeth,andwanderedintothebackbedroom.

Havingafamilyissomewhatofanassurancethattherewillalwaysbepeopleyoucanconfidein,trust,andwillbetherewhenyouneedthemtobe;allbecauseofthebindingloveof

family.Familywillalwaysprovideunconditionallovebecausetheyare,well,family.Itisnotaconsciousdecisionorachoice,itjustis.

Choosingtoloveapersonisdifferent.Atanypointintime,thepersonyouhavechosencanchangetheirmind,fallinlovewith

someoneelse,orbescaredawaybysomeridiculousstatement,exposedbelief,orexpresseddesire.LosingOtisthefirsttimewasproofofalonglovefilledrelationship’sabilitytocrumbleoveranexpresseddesire.Mylongingtohavechildrenwasmorethanlikelyaresultofme

feelinganeedtosecuremyplacewithOtis,buttheexpressionofmythoughtsprovideresultswhichweretheexactopposite.

Inhindsight,Ishouldhaveknown.Otishadalwaysbeenapersonwhoneededtofeelasifhewasfreefromwhatboundmosteveryone

elseonthisearth.Conformingtosociety’sbeliefs,systems,andprocedureswassomethinghewasnevercomfortablewith.Evenasyoungboys,AxtonandOtisthumbedtheirnosesatauthority,society,rules,andregulations.Alittleinternetresearchconfirmed

mysuspicionsofhismotorcycleclubstandingfornothingmorethantheexpressionoffreedom,thereforenothinghadchanged.

Formetoattempttotakehisfreedomfromhimthen,orattempttotakeitnowwouldresultinnothingshort

ofdisaster.OurpinkiepromisewasallIneededtospendalifetimewithOtis,andIcoulddosohappilyknowingIneedednothingelsefromhimtofeelsecure.

AsIgazedblanklyintotheroomIconsideredmypositiononmattersmaynotbecleartoOtis.Iwalkedto

whereIhadbeensittingbefore,pickedupmyphone,anddraftedatextmessagetoclearthingsup.

Iwantyoutoknowthefactyou’reinamotorcycleclubdoesn’tbotherme,

andinfact,I’mhappyyouare.I’llbehere

foryoualways,Sam

Istareddownatthemessage.Afterreadingitseveraltimes,Ibackspacedthroughitanderasedit.Afewtapswithmyverycapablefingers,andIstaredonceagainatthescreen.

YouandAxtonseemrightathomewiththe

motorcycleclub,

andIlikeitthatyouappeartobeatpeacenow

Jesus,Sam.Thatlooksridiculous.

Ibackspaceduntilthemessagewasgone.

Ifumbledwiththephoneforamomentandgazeddownatthescreen.

Iwantyoutoknowsomething

Iloveyouandwillalwayssupportyou

Igrinnedandpressedsend.

Iglancedaroundtheroomatthevariousboxesscatteredonthefloor.Iwouldhavealifetimetoinventory

mymother’shouse,anddoingsonowwasn’tnecessary.Itprovidedmewithasenseofself-worth,andallowedmetofeelIwaspayingatributeofsortstomymotherbydoingso,butitwasn’tnecessary.

“Meow.”

Iturnedtowardthe

door.

Taylorsatintheopening,staringinmydirection.Afterafewsecondstare-off,sheblinkedhereyesslowly.

Ireturnedthegesture.

“IthinkI’mdonefortheday,Taylor.Let’sgolayonthecouchandlistento

music.MaybeI’llseeifthegirlswanttocomeoverandhangoutlater,”IsaidasIwalkedherdirection.

AsIpassedher,Iglancedovermyshoulder.BythetimeIwashalfwaydownthehallway,sheturnedandbeganwalkinginmydirection.Maintainingher

pace,butfollowingtenfeetbehindme,shefollowedmetotheloveseat.Inomorethansatdownandplacedmyphoneatmyside,andshejumpedintomylap,walkedinafewcircles,andfloppeddown.Afewblinksofhereyeslater,andshewasasleep.

AsIsatandstaredather,watchingherbodyexpandandcontractfromherbreathing,itdawnedonmewhymymotherhadthecatasapet.

Thecatofferedherthesamethingitofferedme.Nodifferentlythanfamily,thecatdidn’tquestionher-

ormeforthatmatter.Withoutthoughtandwithoutprejudice,thecatofferedherlove.

Unconditionallove.

AsIstrokedthecat’sfur,myphonebeeped.Beingcautiousnottowakethecat,Ileanedtothesideandpickedupmyphone.

Otis:Loveyou,SamAndI’llalwayssupportyou

HeyMomscookingdinner.Eataround4

Youwanttocome?

Usingmythumb,Ipressedthekeysformyonewordresponseandpressedsend.

Yes

Ihadn’tseenOtis’parentsforfourteenyears.Whenweweretogether,IperceivedhisparentsnodifferentlythanIperceivedmine.Tome,theywereanextensionofmyfamily,andlosingthem,inmanyrespects,wasasdifficultaslosingOtis.Havingthemin

mylifewouldprovidemewithasenseoffamilyIwouldneverbeabletofeelagainintheirabsence.Eagertoseethem,andexcitedforthedinner,IliftedTaylorfrommylap,stood,andwalkedintothekitchenwithher.

Althoughitwasonly

8:30inthemorning,itwasn’ttooearlytotryandmakesomethingtotaketothedinner.HoldingTaylorinmyarm,Iopenedtherefrigeratordoorandgazedinside.

Empty.AfterrealizingI

wasn’tinmyhome,Iclosedtherefrigeratordoor,

frustratedtherewasn’tanythinginittoprepareadesert.Idroppedthecatonthefloor,pulledmyphonefrommypocket,andsentSydneyaquickmessage.

Help?GooddeserttotaketodinneratOtis’parents?

Almostimmediately,

thephonebeeped.Iglancedatthescreen.

Sydney:Bee’sapplepie.Bestintheentireworld.Toolongtotext.

Wantmetocomeover?

IgrinnedasIreadthemessageandpromptlyresponded.

IDKifyouwant

Myphonebeepedinstantly.

Sydney:Textmeyouraddress.Betherein20.ToadandJackaredoingyardwork.

Itypedmyaddressintothephone,andsentittoSydney,beyondgratefulto

haveherhelpwiththedesert.Ididn’tcookmuch,butIwasawoman,andknewhowto.Havingafamilyrecipewouldmaketakingthedesertmuchmoreenjoyablethangettingsomethingfromtheinternet.

Islippedmyphoneintothepocketofmyshortsandglancedaroundtheroom.

AlthoughthehousewasemptyshortofTaylorandme,IfeltasifIwasblessedwithhavingafamilyofsorts.Althoughitwasunconventional,Ifeltitwasafamilynonetheless.

AndmysisterIneverhadwhilegrowingupwascomingovertohelpmemake

apie.

OTIS“Well,itjustseemslikeaweirdchoicetoservetoaguest,Marge.Noteveryonelikesshitlikethis,”myfather

sighedasheglanceddownathisplate.

“Ken,it’snotshit.AndifSamdoesn’tlikeit,shedoesn’thavetoeatit,”mymotherresponded.

Samreacheddownandturnedherplateaquarterofaturnandglancedtowardmymother,“Ilovestuffed

peppers,Mrs.Milner.Itsmellswonderful.”

“What’sthispileofstuff,Marge?”myfatheraskedashepokedhisforkintothepotatoes.

Mymotherlookedupfromherplateandshookherhead,“It’sacasserole.Potatoes,cheese,sourcream,

butter,andcreamofchickensoup.Tasteit,you’lllikeit.”

“GettherecipeoffFacebook?”Myfatheraskedashescoopedupaforkfulofthepotatoes.

“No,notFacebook.IgotitfromPinterest.Sameasthestuffedpepperrecipe.Justeatit,Ken,”mymother

snapped.

IglancedatSam.Herheadswiveledfromside-to-sideasshefollowedmyparent’sconversation,watchingeachofthemintentlyastheyspoke.Asoureyesmet,Ipointedtheendofmyforkatthecountertopwhereherapplepiewas

sitting.

“Samdidn’tgetherapplepierecipefromPinterest,somaybeyou’lllikeit,”Ichuckled.

“Familyrecipe?”mymotheraskedwithoutlookingupfromherplate.

“Sydneygaveittome.It’sherfriend’smother’s

recipe.Wemadeittogetherthisafternoon,”Samgrinned.

“SydneyistheMarine’sfiancéefromthebarbequejoint,ma.Andthebigblackkidthatworksforhimdoingtheyardworkaroundtown,it’shismother’srecipe,”IsaidasIcutintomystuffedpepper.

MymotherlookedupfromherplateandturnedtowardSam,“Shirley.Shewonanawarddownatthefestivalwiththatpie.”

Samnoddedherhead,“That’swhatSydneysaid.”

Myfatherthrusthishandsintheairandshookhishead,“Sambringsaward

winners,andyou’recookingshitsomeeightyearoldPakistanikidispostingontheinternet.”

“Eat,Ken,”mymothersnapped.

“Goodpeppersma,”IsaidasIswallowedabiteofthestuffedpepper.

“Thankyou,”she

responded.

Withherforkstillstuckintoherpotatoes,andwithouttakingasinglebiteofherfood,mymotherturnedtofaceSam.Ioftenwonderedifmymotheratesmallmealsthroughoutthedaytostayalive,becauseatthedinnertablesheoftenpickedather

foodwhilemyfatherandIate,neveractuallyeatingwhatwasonherplate.AsSamturnedherdirectionandsmiled,mymotherspoke.

“NowSamantha.Stevetellsusyou’regoingtobecomingbackheretolive.Isthatright?”mymotherasked.

“Lethereat,ma,”Isighed.

Mymotherslowlyturnedmydirectionandwidenedhereyes.“IwastalkingtoSamantha.Eatyourdinner,Steve.”

Iglancedatmyfather,whowasfinishingthemoundofpotatoesfromhisplate.As

heshoveledanotherforkfulintohismouth,helookedupandgrinned,“Shesaidnopie’tillwe’redonewiththisshit.Bettereatup.”

Samshiftedhergazebackandforthbetweenmymotherandmeasshespoke,“I’mgoingtogobacktoSt.Louisoneofthesedays,and

getmystuff.I’lljustbringeverythingbackhereandprobablyliveinmymother’shouse.”

“ThehouseinLakepoint?Ontheeastside?”mymotherasked.

“Yes,thesamehouseIgrewupin,”Samnodded.

Mymothertiltedher

headmydirection,“Steve,youneedtogowithherandhelpher.Shedoesn’tneedtogobyherselfandgetherthings.Sheneedsamantohelpher,soyougowithher.”

Iglancedupfrommyplateandshookmyhead,“I’llprobablygo,ma.”

“Noprobably.You

needtogo,”mymothersighed.

“Getyousometiedownstrapsfromworksonothingblowsout,”myfathermutteredasheshovedaforkfulofpepperintohismouth.

“LetSameat,ma,”Isighed.

“Speakingofwork,Clydehadsexwiththecock-eyedgirlatthesouthregister,”myfathersaidasheglancedupfromhisplate.

“Ken!”mymothergasped.

“Well,hedid.Sam-Samfromwork,notthisSam-hecaught‘embackinthe

storeroom.Hadthatcock-eyedgalbentoverarowofboxes,”hepausedandswallowedthebiteoffoodhewaschewing.

“Ken,stop!”mymothersighedasshetossedherheadtowardSam.

“Doessextalkbotheryou,Samantha?”myfather

asked.

Samglancedatmymother,shiftedhereyestowardmyfather,andshrugged.

“She’salady,Ken.It’srude,”mymotherhissed.

“Well,Iwasn’tgoingtogointographicdetail,Marge.I’mjustmaking

conversation.Soanyway,thiscock-eyedgalthatworksthesouthregisterhasthebodyofapornstar,butwhenshelooksatyou,hereyesareallcock-eyed,”hepaused,glancedatme,andmadehiseyesgocrossed.

Ashelookedaroundthetablewithcrossedeyes,

mymothercoveredhereyes,andSamlaughedsohardshealmostspitherfoodout.

“Ken,that’srude,”mymothersaid.

“What’srudeistoseeherbody,andthenhaveherturnaroundandlookatyou.That’srude.Soanyway,shegetsadivorcemaybeamonth

ago.Andthenshe’dbeencomplainingtotheothergalsatworkthatnoonewouldtakeheroutonadate,”hepaused,slicedoffachunkofhisstuffedpepper,andpokeditwithhisfork.

Ashepokedthefoodinhismouth,hecontinuedbeforeheevenstarted

chewing,“SoItoldClyde,IsaidClyde,ifshewasn’tcock-eyed,guyswouldbelineduptothebank,youknowtheonewayupontheoverpass,they’dbelineduptothebanktogetapieceofthat.AndClydelooksatmeandsmiles.HesaysKen,aslongasshe’sfacingtheother

way,what’sitmatter.Hell,Ithoughthewasjoking,soIjustshruggedmyshouldersandsaidIguessitdon’t,Clyde.Iguessitdon’t,that’swhatItoldhim.”

Asmymotherstareddownatherplate,morethanlikelypraying,Sam’seyeswerefixedonmyfather’s.

Althoughshehadn’theardhisdinnertimestoriesforyears,shewasnonewbietohistalltales.Evenbackwhenwewereinhighschool,myfathertoldstoriesatdinnernodifferentlythanhedidnow.Asheswallowedhisfood,Samspoonedaforkfullofpotatoesupandwaited.

“Soithadn’tbeenacoupledays,andSamgoestothestoreroomtogetoneofthemminiaircompressorsforthisguy,andthatgalwasbentoverwithherpantsaroundherankles,andhertopoff,andthatdamnedClydewasjustapokingaway.Samsaidshespun

aroundandhellhecouldn’teventellwhereshewaslooking.Itoldhimshewaslookingateverything.Shemaybegaggleeyed,butIbetthatgal’sgottheperipheralvisionofaGoddamnedOwl.Anyway,Samsaysherboobsarefake.Shehadhertopoffwhenthewholedealwent

down,”henoddedhisheadoncetowardSam,turnedtowardme,andpokedthelastbiteofpepperwithhisfork.

“Ken,that’snotdinnertabletalk,”mymothersaidasshelookedup.

“Well,IwantSamanthatofeellikeshe’sathome,Marge.Damn.IfIsat

hereandatewithoutspeakingyou’dwonderaboutmewouldn’tyou,Samantha?”myfatheraskedasheglancedtowardSam.

“Isupposeso,”shesaidwithalaugh.

“Neverwouldhaveguessedherboobswerefake.Hell,theyjigglewhenshe

walks,”Myfathersaidunderhisbreathashepushedhimselffromthetable.

“I’mgoingtogetsomeofthispieslicedandready.Marge,youhaven’ttouchedyourfood,areyougoingtoeatpie?”myfatheraskedashestoodfromhisseat.

Mymotherglancedupfromherplateandnoddedherhead,“I’dplannedonit,yes.”

“I’mdoneandSam’sclose,pop.Bringusaslice,”Isaidasmyfatherwalkedintothekitchen.

IpushedmyselfawayfromthetableslightlyandleanedbackinmychairasI

studiedSam.Shelookedexceptionallybeautiful.Herhairwasgenerallystraight,butshehadtakentimetocurlitandspruceitup.Now,itseemedshehadtentimesasmuchhairasshenormallydid.Curled,pinned,andplacedjustperfectly,shelookedlikeshecouldbeina

hairproductcommercial.Thegoldenskinonherfacewasclearandsmooth,andunlikemanyothergirls,thecolorofherfacematchedthecoloroftheskinonherneck,shoulders,andarms.

Oneofmypetpeeveshadalwaysbeenwomenwearingmake-upthatcaused

theirfacetoclearlybeacolorincontrastwiththerestoftheirbody.

Inhersleevelessknittop,shortsandsandals,shelookedadorable.AsIsatandadmiredherwhilemyfathercutthepie,shesatandquietlytalkedtomymother.Unfocusedontheir

conversation,Icontinuedtositandstare;gratefulshewasonceagaininmylife.

“What?What’swrong?”sheaskedassheshiftedhereyestomeetmine.

Ishookmyhead,“Nothing.”

Shecockedherheadtotheside,“Youwere

lookingatmefunny.”

Ishookmyhead,“Justadmiringyou.”

“Issomethingwrongwithmyhair?”sheaskedasshereachedforherhair.

Ishookmyhead,“It’sperfect.”

“Yourhairlookswonderful,Samantha,”my

motherbreathed.

“Iwasgoingtosaythesamething.Don’trememberseeingyouwithsomuchofit.Itlooksrealnice,Samantha.Here,”myfathersaidasheslidapieceofpiebesideherplate.

“Andhere’soneforyou,”myfathersaidashe

reachedacrossthetable.

“ThanksPop,”IsaidasIgrabbedtheplate.

Myfatherdisappearedmomentarily,andthenwalkedbackintotheroomwithaplateinhishand.Ashesatdown,heglancedatmymotherandgrinned.

“Youcanhaveone

whenyou’refinished,”hesaidashesatdown.

Mymotherrolledhereyesasshetookasmallnibbleofthepotatoes,“I’llgetmyown,thankyou.”

Samlookedupfromherplate,“Thankyou.It’sprettymuchthesame,Ijustfixedit.”

“Looksbig,”myfathersaidashepushedhisforkintothecornerofhispie.

Samnoddedherheadandchuckled,“That’swhattheycallit.Bighair.I’vegotbighair.”

“Well,seemsappropriate.It’sbig.Ilikeit.RemindsmeofwhenMarilyn

Monroewouldfixhersallcurly,”hesaidashepokedthepieintohismouth.

Ashechewedthepie,hedroppedtheforkfromhisgraspandithittheplatewithaclank.Immediately,heraisedhisrighthandandheldittohischestasifhavingaheartattack.

“Nowthat’sanapplepie.What’sinitthatmakesitsodamnedgood?”heaskedashepointedtowardtheplatewithhislefthand.

“I’msworntosecrecy,”Samgrinned.

“Well,Iguesswe’lljusthavetomakesureyou’regoingtobearoundalittle

moreoften,soyoucanbringthepieifnothingelse,”myfathersaidashereachedforhisfork.

“She’llbearoundplenty,pop,”IsaidasIcutoffapieceofpie.

Mymotherglancedupfromherplateandfixedhereyesonme,“Soareyoutwo

datingagain?”

IshiftedmyeyestowardSam,“We’retogether,yes.”

“Butyouaren’tdating?”mymothershrugged.

“We’retogether,ma,”Ihalfshoutedinresponse.

Shescrunchedher

noseslightlyandstared,“Whatdoesthatmean?”

“Ma,we’readults.Adultsdon’tdate,”IsaidasIliftedthebiteofpietomymouth.

“Sincewhen?”sheasked.

“SinceIdon’tknowwhen,ma.Butwe’readults,

andwe’retogether.She’smovingbackhere,andwe’regoingtobetogether,”IsaidasIpokedthebiteofpieintomymouth.

Thepiewasfabulous.AsIchewedit,IturnedtofaceSam,smiled,andpointedtomymouth.

Mymotherpointed

theendofherforkatmeandshookit,“Togetherasinyou’reacouple?”

“Yeah,ma.We’reacouple,”Ishrugged.

IglancedatSam.Shewasgrinningfromeartoear.IrealizedasIspokethatalthoughsheandIhadn’tdiscussedthesethings,I

simplysuspecteditwentwithoutsaying.IhadexpressedtoherthatIlovedher,andsheagreedshehadfeltthesame.AssheseemedtoenjoyhearingwhatitwasIhadtosayaboutusbeingacouple,Iconsideredexpandingonit.BeforeIhadachancetospeak,mymother

interruptedmythoughts.

“Well,thenyou’redating.WhencanIhaveagrandchild?”sheaskedflatlyassheshiftedhereyesbackandforthbetweenSamandme.

IshruggedmyshouldersandglancedatSam.Sam’seyesquickly

shiftedtowardmymother.Almostimmediatelyherfacewasfilledwithshockandwonder.

“Nokids,”Samsaidsharplyassheshookherheadfromside-to-side.

Shockedatherresponse,Isatandstared.

“Oh?”mymother

respondedwithwideeyes.

“I’mpastmyprime,”Samresponded,“Idon’tevenknowifIcanhavekids.”

“Well,there’sonewaytofindout,”myfatherlaughedasheslappedmyshoulder.

“Let’sjusthopeyoucan,andonedayGodblesses

usallwithone,”mymothersaidasshestoodfromthetable.

IsatandstudiedSamandwonderedwhatchanged.Fifteenyearsprior,heronlyreasonforleavingwasthatshewantedkidsandIdidn’t.Now,itseemedsheeithernolongercaredtohavechildren

orshewasn’tableto.Eitherway,Idecideditdidn’tmatter.Whatmatteredwasthatwelovedeachother,andweweredevotedtoeachother.AsIsatandwatchedhercutintothepie,Igrinned.

Shewasbeautiful.Iglancedaroundthetable.Ifnothingelse,Icouldofferher

afamilywhichincludedamother,father,andme.

Andinmyeyes,despiteourindividualfaults,thisfamilywasperfect.

SAMSpendingtimewithOtis’familywassomuchmoreenjoyablethanIexpectedittobe.Iwenttothedinner

excitedandalittlenervous,notnecessarilyknowingwhattoexpect.WhatIreceivedwasaheartwarmingwelcomefromhisparents,andinmanyrespects,itfeltasifIhadonlybeenawayfromthemforashortperiodoftime,definitelynotthefourteenyearsIhadbeengone.

Hismother’squestionregardingchildrencaughtmeslightlyoffguardandmademeextremelyuncomfortable.IexpectedmyquicknoresponsecomfortedOtis,butIfeltsorryforhismotherandherdesiretohaveagrandchild,knowingherlongingforustohavekids

wouldneverbemet.Ihopedastimepassed,havingmeforadaughter-in-lawmightsufficetofillthevoid.

Asmuchasthematernalpartofmeoncewantedchildren,Irealizedthelongingstemmedfrommyfeelingofinsecurityregardingmyrelationship

withOtis.Losinghimonceasaresultofmyrequestwasonetimetoomany,andlosinghimagainwouldcrushme.Ourpinkiepromisehadnoclauseinitforchildren,andIfeltcomfortableaslongaskidsweren’tinthepictureOtisandIwouldbetogetherforalifetime.

Istood,gazingintothemirror,andtriedtorecallthelasttimeIhadbeenonanactualdate.AftermovingtoStLouis,Ihadgoneonafewdates,buteventuallydecideddatingwassenseless,asmyheartbelonged,andhadalwaysbelongedtoOtis.

Michaeldiedin2001,

andImovedtoSt.Louisimmediatelyfollowinghisdeath.AyearlaterIstoppeddating.Maybeitwastwoyears,butcertainlynotlongerthanthat.Soroughly2003wouldhavebeenmylastdate.

Twelveyears.Iliftedthehemofmy

dressslightlyandspuninacircle,watchingmyselfinthemirrorasIdidso.

Wearacomfortabledressandshoesyou’recomfortablewalkingin.I’llbethereatseven.

Ipickedupmyphoneandglancedatthescreen.6:50.OutofmyperipheralI

sawTaylorapproachthedoorway.

“Meow…”

“Iknow,right?”IsighedasIshiftedmyeyesinherdirection.

“Ididn’thaveone,soIrantothemallandboughtit.Cute,huh?”IaskedasIturnedtowardthemirror

again.

“Meow…”

“Ifeelthesameway.Wheredoyouthinkhe’sgoingtotakeme?”IaskedasIturnedtowardthedoorwayandtookastepinherdirection.

Silence.

Iwalkedpasther,

downthehallway,andtowardthelivingroom.AsIreachedtheedgeoftheloveseat,Iglancedovermyshoulder.

“Idon’tknoweither.Comeon,wedon’thavemuchtime,”IsaidasIpattedmyhandonthearmoftheloveseat.

Sherandownthe

hallwayandleapedtowardmyhand,landinggracefullybesideit.Afterpeeringdowninmylapandstudyingmeforashortmoment,shecarefullysteppedbetweenmythighsandcurledintoaball.Afterafewsecondsofpettingher,theunmistakablerumbleoftheCamarocomingdownthe

streetbrokethesilence.

“Well,itsoundslikehe’shere,”IshruggedasIpickedherupandplacedheratmyside.

Asherolledintothedriveway,Iraninthekitchen,grabbedmypurse,andliterallysprintedforthedoor.Ipulledthecurtainstothe

sideslightlyandwatched,hopinghe’deventuallystepoutofthecar.Afterwhatseemedtobeaneternity,heopenedthedoorandsteppedintothedriveway.

Dressedindarkdesignerjeans,blackdressboots,andawell-fitteddarkgreyV-necktee,helooked

amazinglyhandsome.Ilovedtheentirebikerlookthing,butseeinghimdressedlikethiswasaverynicechange.Afteradmiringhisslowconfidentswaggerasheworkedhiswaytowardthedoor,Ipulledthecurtainstothesideandreachedforthedoor.

“Oh,wow.Youlooknice,”IsighedasIsteppedontotheporch.

Hestoppedinhistracksandglancedupatme.

“Damn,Sam.Youlookincredible.Thatdresslooksfuckinggood,”hesaidashepushedhisthumbsintohisfrontpockets.

Hisarmslookedliketheywereabouttobustrightoutoftheshirt.Itwasn’ttoosmall,anditactuallyfitperfectly,butforhimtobuyashirtthatwouldallowhismassivearmstoactuallyfitthesleeveswouldbeimpossible.Theupperportionoftheshirtclungtohis

massivechest,andhungslightlyloosearoundhisrathertrimwaist.AsIstoodadmiringhislittlethumbsinpocketpose,Ihadtoconsciouslypreventmyselffromslobberingonmynewdress.

“Thankyou,”IsaidasIdidmybesttocurtsy,“So,

youready?”

“Ifyouare,Iam,”herespondedasheturnedtowardthecar.

Isteppedofftheporchandglancedtowardthecar.Hestoodatthepassengerdoor,holdingitopenforme,grinningfromeartoear.

AsIheldmydressto

mythighsandattemptedtoslidegracefullyintothelow-sittingcar,hebentdownandkissedmesoftly.Assoonasourlipsparted,IcollapsedintotheseatfeelingrathersatisfiedIcouldgetusedtothistypeoftreatmentwithease.

“Sowherearewe

going?”Iaskedashegotinthecar.

“Surprise,”herespondedoverhisshoulderashestartedthecar.

Iclutchedmypurseinmyhandsandgrinned.Ilikedsurprisesaslongastheywerewellnatured.Asurprisedateseemedmoreromantictome

thananunplannedone,andmademefeelalittlemorespecialthanifwe’dhavesimplygonetosomerandomrestauranttoeatdinner.Ashepulledoutoftheneighborhoodandspedintotraffic,thesoundofthecarandthesheerforceoftheaccelerationdidtomewhatit

alwaysdidtome.

Wet.“Inahurry?”Iasked

asIreachedovertobucklemylapbelt.

Hegrabbedthegearshifterandslappedthecarintoanothergearwithoutlettinghisfootoffthegaspedal,causingthecartolurch

forwardevenmore.

“Kindof,”hesaidasheglancedinmydirectionforasplit-second.

“Okay,”Isaidundermybreath.

“Doesitendsoon?Arewegoingtomissit?”Iasked.

“Nope.Notreally,”he

saidashesweptpastacarontherightside.

“Isitinsideoroutside?”Iasked.

“Goodquestion,”herespondedwithoutshiftinghiseyesfromtheroad,“Outside.”

Inoddedmyhead,“Istherealargebodyofwater?”

Heshookhisheadandlaughed,“No.There’ssomewater,butnotmuch.”

“Hmmm,”IsaidasIraisedmyindexfingertomylips.

“Justthetwoofus,orwilltherebemorepeople?”Iasked.

“Therewillprobably

bealotofpeople,”heresponded.

HisfocusondrivingandhavingbothhandsonthesteeringwheelcausedmetofocusmoreonhisflexingbicepsthatIprobablyshouldhave.RegardlessofhowmuchtimeIhadtoadmirehim,notstaringathisbulging

muscleswasextremelydifficult.AsIstudiedthetattoosonhisforearmsadmiringly,heturnedasharpcorner,causingmetolookoutattheroad.

“Wherearewe?”IaskedasIlookedaroundtheunfamiliarneighborhood.

Severalparksanda

smallriverlinedthestreetsoneithersideofthecar.

“Almostthere,”hesaidashedownshiftedthecarintoalowergear.

Asheslowedthecartoanalmoststopandturnedintoaparkingarea,Iglancedaround,tryingtodeterminewherewewere.AlthoughI

hadgrownupinWichita,somuchhadchangedsinceI’dspentanytimeintheinnercitythatnothingseemedfamiliaranymore.

“Whatisthisplace?”Iaskedexcitedly.

Hepointedoutthewindowtoalargewoodensign.

Botanica.

“Botanica?Theflowergarden?”Isaidundermybreath.

“It’smorethanaflowergarden,Sam.Websitesaidthey’vegotfountains,paths,AShakespearegarden,aroseandwildflowergarden,aChinesegarden,butterfly

garden-hellIdon’tevenrememberhowmanytheyhave.Tenacresworth,”hesaidasheshutoffthecar.

Istaredoutthewindowattheentrance.Iwouldhaveneverguessedhewouldtakemetosuchaplace,soitwasinfactahugesurprise.AsIsatandadmired

whatIcouldseethroughthewindowofthecar,hereachedoverandtouchedmyshoulder.

“Ialwayslovedyourmother’sbackyard,andIknowyoudidtoo.Ithoughtthiswouldbejustlikeit,onlyalotbigger.It’llbemoreenjoyableifyougetout,”he

chuckled.

“Iloveyou,”IsighedasIturnedtofacehim.

“Loveyoutoo,Sam,”hesaidashereachedforthedoorhandle.

Wewalkedtowardtheentrancehandinhand,andasweenteredthepark,mybreathwastakenawaybythe

sheerbeautyofthelandscape.Acentralfountainsurroundedbyvariousflowers,shrubs,andawalkwaylookedlikesomethingoutofafairytale,anditwasonlytheentrancetothegarden.Ashepaidforourtickets,Ieagerlyscannedthelandscapeformoretosee.

“Thisisbeautiful,”I

sighedasIgazedatthefountain.

Aswewalkedpastthefountainandintothepark,Igazedatthebeautifulflowers,shrubsandtreesinanalmosttrance-likestate.Althoughtherewerepeopleeverywhere,itdidn’tseematallovercrowded.Thearoma

ofthesurroundingflowerscreatedanalmostsensoryoverloadasIattemptedtoidentifyalloftheindividualflowerscreatingthebeautifulscent.

Iclosedmyeyesandinhaledslowlythroughmynose.

Roses.Honeysuckle.

Gardenias.

Uhhh,Uhhm.GardenPhlox.

IopenedmyeyestoabeautifuldisplayofpurpleGardenPhlox.

“Ilovethisplace,”IsaidasIsqueezedhishandinmine.

Heshiftedhiseyes

fromthegardenahead,“Beautiful,isn’tit?”

Inoddedmyheadaswewalkedunderanornamentalconcretestructuremarkingtheentrancetoanotherareaofthegarden.

Thesoundofrunningwatermadetheentireareaseemmorepeacefulthanit

alreadywas.Aftersearchingalongthelandscape,Inoticedastone-filledcreekbesidethewalkingpathwithwaterflowingthroughitfreely.Onthesideofthepathaswecurvedtotheleft,alargepoolofwaterwithbeautifulcoyfishplayfullyswimmingaboutcaughtmyattention.

Ipointedtothepoolaswepassed,incapableofsayinganythingtodescribethebeautyofitall.

Twobreathlessgardenslater,andIstoodinthecenterofarestareawithmyeyesclosed,onceagainattemptingtoidentifythearomaofaparticularflower

whichhadcommandedmyattention.AsIinhaledanotherslowshallowbreaththroughmynose,Otis’handsonmycheekscausedmetoopenmyeyes.

“Iloveyou,Sam,”hesaidasheleaneddownandkissedmelightly.

“Ilovethisplace,and

Iloveyoutoo,”Isighed.

“Haveyouenjoyedit?”heasked.

Iwrinkledmybrowandnarrowedmyeyes,“Enjoyedit?That’sastupidquestion.YesOtis,I’veenjoyedit.”

“Good,”hesaidasheglancedovereachshoulder

somewhatnervously.

“Youknowwhatwouldmakeitbetter?”heaskedasheturnedtofaceme.

Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Idunno.”

“Iwanttofucktheshitoutofyou.Righthere,”hesaidashepointedtothesideofthepath.

Iglancedtowherehepointedandstared.Thesideofthepathwaslinedwithflowers,andbehindthemamoreelevatedrowofshrubbery,andbehindit,anotherrowofvariousflowers.Theentireheightoftheuppermostobstructionwasmaybefourfeethigh.

Peoplepassingbycouldundoubtedlyseeusiftheysimplypeeredtothesideofthepathandovertheflowers.

“You’recrazy,nothere,”Isighed.

“Why?It’sbeautiful,”heshruggedasheglancedaroundus.

“Itis,”IsaidasI

steppedtotheside,allowingapersonwalkpast.

Itossedmyheadtowardthewomanwhohadjustpassedandwidenedmyeyes,“See?Therearetoomanypeople,andit’snotevendarkyet.”

Heglancedtothesideofthepath,turnedaroundand

peeredaroundthecornerofthedisplaybehindhim,andreacheddownandgrippedthetopofanornamentalconcretebenchathisside.Ashegruntedandpulledagainstthebench,slowlyitbegantorisefromtheconcreteslabbelowit.

“Mother…fucker…

thisisheavy…as…fuck,”hegruntedasheliftedthebench.

Whatthefuck?

Iwatchedinamazementashecarriedwhatwasprobablyafourhundredpoundbenchtothesideoftheflowersbehindme,settingitonthegrassbeyondthefourfeethighrowofflowers

liningthepath.AshewalkedaroundtheendofthepathtowherehewasstandingbeforeIstoodwithmymouthagape.

“There,”hesaidashewipedhishandsonthethighsofhisjeans.

“Nowwegotusalittleplace,”hegrinned.

“Peoplecanseeus.

Likeseeus.No,”Ihuffed.

Heglancedoverhisshoulders,turnedaround,andsighed.BeforeIhadachancetodoorsaymuchofanything,heslidonearmbehindmythighs,theotherovermyshoulders,pickedmeupfrommyfeet,andheldmeinhisarms.

“Otis,”IsaidthroughmyteethasIpeeredovermyshoulderandalongthepath.

Hepromptlywalkedaroundtheentrance,tothebenchhehadplacedonthegrass,andploppedmedownonthebench.

“Laydownflat,andtheywon’tseeyou,”hesaid

ashepointedtowardtheshrubberybehindus.

Iglancedtotheside,andalthoughIwasabletoseetheconcretestructure,Icouldn’tseethepathwayhiddenbytheshrubsandflowers.

“Ifpeoplewalkby,they’llseeus,”Iwhispered.

Asheshookhisheadfromside-to-side,hereachedundermydressandgrabbedthewaistofmypanties.Somewhatreluctantly,Iloweredmyshoulderstothebenchandhoistedmyassfromtheconcrete,allowinghimtofreelypullthepantiesoff.

“Putyourfeetuponthebenchandspreadyourkneesapart,”hesaidinanalmostdemandingtone.

“I’mnotgoingtoshowtheentireparkmytwat,Otis,”IsnappedbackasIclenchedmykneestogether.

Hepressedhishandsdowninbetweenmythighs

andspreadmylegsagainstwhatlittleresistanceIwasabletoprovide.

“Theparkisn’tgoingtoseeyourtwat,Sam.They’llseethebackofmyheadburiedinyourtwat.Nowspreadyourlegs,”hegrowled.

“OhdearGod,”I

sighedasIeagerlyfloppedmylegstotheside.

Thereweren’tenoughpeopleintheentireworldtokeepmefromlettingOtislickmypussy;evenifwewereinpublic.Itwasoneofthemanythingshedidextremelywell.AsIclosedmyeyesandgrippedthesidesofthe

concretebenchinmyhands,Iheardacouplewalkpastus,talkingastheyenjoyedthebeautifulviewoftheflowersalongthepath.

AsIfeltthesidesofhisheadbetweenmythighs,Iinhaledashallowbreathinanticipationofwhatwascertaintocome.Ashis

tongueslowlylickedfromthebottomofmypussytothetop,Iexhaledsharply.

Histonguebeganflickingagainstmyclit,sendingmeintoafrenzyofflinchingwitheachtouchofthetipofhistongueagainstmyswollennub.Isankmyteethintomylowerlip,

hopefullypreventingmefromhowlingoutamoanofpleasureintothebusypark.

Iraisedmyshouldersfromthebench,restingonmyelbowsashisfingerbegantoslideinandoutofmywetness.Ashecontinuedtolickmypussyandnibblemyclitwithhissoftlips,Istared

downbetweenmylegsinshock.

Thiswasonlythebeginning.

Andaslongaswedidn’tgetcaught,itwascertaintobealongandverypleasurablenight.

SAM“Thenexttimeyoutryandsquirmawayfromme,I’mgoingtoslapthatassofyourssohardtheentireparkcomesoverhere,”hesaidbetween

histeethinaharshtone.

He’dbeenfuckingmefrombehindwhileIwasbentovertheparkbenchwithmydressaroundmyneck.Mybraandpantieswerebesidethebenchinthegrass,andthecoldconcreteagainstmybareboobsremindedmeofwhenheusedtofuckmeinmy

mother’sbackyard,addingtothesensualityofitall.AllowingOtistofuckmehoweverhewantedwasaspecialtyofmine,butbeingquietandholdingstillweren’tnecessarilymyforte.

Asthesoundofhishipspoundingagainstmyassrangthroughouttheentrance

oftheShakespeareGarden,Ibitintomylowerlipsoharditbegantobleed.Igrippedtheedgesofthebenchandliftedmychestfromthebench,alongmynipplestobarelygrazeagainsttheedgeofthecoldconcrete.

Theconsistentsoundofnotsodistantvoiceskept

mylevelofexcitementelevatedandprovidedanassurancemypussywasn’tgoingtodryupanytimesoon.

Myeyesnaturallyrolledbackintomyheadasmyoverlysensitivenipplesdancedalongthetopoftheconcretebench.Thesensationwasalmosttoomuchforme

tobear.Althoughmypussywasn’treadyforhisthickcockafewweeksbefore,theexcitementofhimfuckingmeintheparkcombinedwithactuallyseeingpeoplewalkpastaswedidsocausedmypussytobecomeawetandverywillingreceptacleforhisswollenrod.

Ashisballsslappedagainstmyclitforthethousandthtime,Ireleasedmylipandgroanedintothelateeveningair.Onemorethrust,andImadeafeebleattempttoescapeashiscockpoundeddeepintome,pressingmythighsintotheendofthebench.

“WhatthefuckdidItellyou?”hegrowled.

“Still,”Iheaved.

“Stay…”

“Still…”

Hebentover,forcinghischestintomybackandpressingmeagainstthecoolconcreteslab.Ashegroundhisfaceintothesideofmine,

hebreathedintomyear.

“Andfuckingquiet,”hewhispered.

Thewarmairthatescapedfromhislipscausedmetoshudder.Asgoosebumpsrosealongmyleftarm,heliftedhischestfrommybackandslappedmyasswiththepalmofhis

hand.AsIfelthiscockslidefrommyeversowantingpussy,IgaspedasIturnedaround.

“Don’tstop,I’msorry,I’llbegood,”Ibegged.

Iwatchedinutterhorrorashepulledhisjeansupandoverhisstillstiffcock.Ashebuckledhisbelt

andnarrowedhiseyes,Istoodandsadlypulleddownmydress.Hepressedhishandsintohishipsglaredatmeforafewsecondsandeventuallycrossedhisarmsandsighedloudly.

“Don’tfuckingmove,Sam.Sitrightthere,outoffuckingsight,”hedemanded

asheturnedaway.

“But…”Ibegan.

Hestoppedandglancedoverhisshoulder.

“Don’t.Fucking.Move.”

Inwhatwasnomorethanamatterofseconds,butseemedtobeaneternity,Isatnervously-hiddenbythe

shrubbery-andwaitedasIheardahintofhisvoiceashewastalkingtosomeone.Althoughhewasn’twithinmyrangeofvision,hedidn’tsoundlikehewasveryfaraway.AnothermalevoiceIdidn’trecognizeappearedtobetalkingtohim.Afterafewseconds,thevoicesbecame

closer,clear,andmoredistinct.AsOtiscamearoundthecorneroftheentranceanothermuchyoungermanfollowed.Shocked,Istoodfrommyseat.

“Sitthefuckdown,”Otisdemanded.

“Dude…”theothermansaidaswemadeeye

contact.

Beforehehadachancetocontinue,Otisinterruptedhim,“Justshutthefuckupforaminute,beforeIslaptheshitoutofyou.”

Theman,whoappearedtobeahipsterinhisearlytwenties,stoodimmediatelybehindOtis,

attemptingtopeeroverhisshoulder.AsOtissteppedtotheside,thetall,thin,beardedyoungsterstoodinapparentshockstaringatme.

“She’smygirlfriend,there’snothingfunnygoingon,otherthanwe’reacoupleofsexualweirdos.Allyou’regoingtodoisholdher

down,”Otisexplained.

“Otis!”Ihissedinaloudwhisper.

Hecrossedhisarmsandsighedharshlyasheshookhishead,“I’mnotgoingtowarnyouagain,Sam.”

AsIgazedbeyondhimandfocusedonthetall

thinman,thethoughtofhimholdingmedownwhileOtisfuckedmecausedmetowrithewhereIstoodinanticipatedpleasure.Ifanyonecouldpullitoff,Otiscould.

“Dude,I’mnot…”thethinhipsterbegan.

Otisturnedtoface

him.

“Name’snotDude,it’sOtis.DoIlooklikeaguyyouwanttoarguewith?”Otisaskedasheflexedhisbicepsandflaredhischest.

Thethinmanshookhishead,“Uhhm,no.No,yousuredon’t.”

“Lookatitthisway.

It’llgiveyousomethingtotellyourbuddiesabout,”Otispausedandturnedtofaceme.

“Pullyourdressupandbendover,Sam.Justlikeyouwereaminuteago,”Otissighedashereachedforhisbelt.

“ButIhadmydressuponmy…”Ibeganto

explain.

HereleasedhisbeltandglaredatmeasifIwerefrustratinghimtonoend,“Just.Like.You.Were.”

Iturnedaroundandpulledmydresstomyshoulders,exposingmyentirenakedbacksidetothestranger.Instantly,mypussy

begantotingle.Thesensationwasanentirelynewone,andbroughtalevelofpleasuretomymindthatwasincapableofcompare.Forthesolepurposeofentertainment,Islidmyhandbetweenmylegsandrubbedmytwomiddlefingersalongthelengthofmydrippingwet

pussy.

Halfbentover,Iturnedtotheside,exposingmybreaststothestranger.Ashegawkedinobviouspleasure,Ishiftedmyeyestohiscrotchandheldmygaze.Asthesecondsquicklypassed,hisbulgebecamemoreapparent.

“Lookbabe.Mypussy’samess,”IsaidasIraisedmysoakedhand,hopingtoexcitethestrangerevenmore.

“Gooverthereandholdhershouldersdown,”Otisdemandedashepointedtothefarendofthebenchfromwherehestood.

StillstandingafewfeetbehindOtis,themanbeganwithhisbestefforttotalkhiswayoutoftheawkwardsituation,“Iuhhm,Ireallydon’tthinksheneedsmetodo…”

“Tellyouwhat.What’syournameagain?”Otisgrowled.

“Alan,”themananswered.

Peeringovermyshoulder,Iwasenjoyingtheshowinitsentirety.Nowstandingwithafull-fledgedhard-on,Alanwasobviouslyuncomfortable.Theentiresituationtomewasnothingshortofinsanity,butwith

Otisinvolved,nothingwasoutoftherealmofpossibilities.Asmyswollenpussycontinuedtosendshockwavesupanddownmytorso,IwaitedforOtistorespond.

“Tellyouwhat,Alan.Youeithergograbherbytheshouldersandholdherdown

onthatbenchorI’mgoingtojustknockyourskinnylittleassoutrightnow.How’sthatsound?”Otissaidflatly.

“SoundslikeI’mgoingtoholdherdown,”hesaidashepressedtheheelofhispalmagainsthiscrotch.

AsAlanwalkedinfrontofme,Istraightenedmy

stanceslightly,showinghimafullviewofmyperkyboobs.Ashiseyeslockedonmychest,Islowlyreachedforthem,fullysuspectingOtistotellmetostop.

Well,untilyousaysomething…

Igraspedmyboobsinmyhandsandbeganto

squeezethemandpinchmynipplesasAlanstoodandstared.AsIheardtheclankingsoundofOtis’beltbuckle,Iturnedandglancedovermyshoulder.Hispantsnowaroundhisthighs,itwasprettyapparenthewasasexcitedasIwas.Hisstiffcockstoodatattention,

pointingupattheskyataforty-fivedegreeangle.AsIwatchedittwitch,Ireleasedmyrightboob,stoodmoreerect,andstuckmyfirsttwofingersintomypussy.

“Turnaround,youhornylittlebitch,”Otisdemanded.

Iturnedawayfrom

Otis,andwhilestillstandinghalferect,pulledmyfingersfrommypussyandslidthemintomymouthwhileAlanwatchedinabsoluteshock.

“Now,Alan,youdowhatItellyouto,andnothingmore.Youunderstand?”Otisaskedfrombehindme.

“Uhhmyeah.Sure,”

Alannoddednervously.

“You’llbefine,”Iwhispered.

“BendoverSam,”Otissighed.

Ibentoverthebenchandpressedmytitsontothenowverycoolconcrete.Itwasn’tquitedarkoutside,butitwasgettingcloserand

closerwitheachpassingminute.Thesunhadalreadyset,andalthoughtherewasn’tanyneedforadditionallightingtosee,itwasclearlyalmostdusk.

AsOtisspreadmyasscheeksandslidhisfatcockintomysoppingwetpussy,Igrippedtheedgesofthe

concreteslabbeneathme.

“Grabhershouldersandholdherdown,”Otisdemanded.

Alanplacedhishandsagainstmyshoulderslightly.ThemeretouchofhishandsagainstmyskinwhileOtisfuckedmewasenoughtosendmeovertheedge,butI

wantedmore.Thethoughtofhimholdingmeagainstmywillwasevenmoreexciting.Totestmytheory,IraisedmychestfromthebenchandbegantoturnmyshoulderstowardOtis.

“Goddamnit,”Otisbellowedashereleasedoneofhishandsfrommyhips.

“Holdherdown!”heshouted.

Alan’shandspressedagainstmyshoulders.Iresistedconsiderably,andhepressedharder–forcingmybreastsflatagainstthebench.AsOtiscontinuedtopoundhimselfintome,IglancedupatAlan’sstiffcockand

stared.Ididn’twantAlantoplayapartinwhatwedoingfromasexualstandpoint,butknowinghewasjustsomestranger-andthathewasnotonlywatchingOtisfuckme-butparticipatinginit…

MytinglingpussystuffedfullofOtis’swollendick,hishipsslappinga

rhythmicbeatagainstmyass,thelingeringaromaoftheflowers,beingfuckedinpublic,andAlan’shandsagainstmyshouldersweresimplytoomuch.Myentirebodybegantotingle,frommyever-so-drippingpussytomynipplesandback,ItrembledlikeIhadbeenleft

nakedinasnowdrift.

MypussybegantoclencharoundOtis’cock.Ibitintomylip,andafterafewseconds,begantoreleaseanorgasmfromtheabsolutedepthofwhateverhellthebigone’scomefrom.Ireleasedmylipandmoanedlikeawolfhowlingatthemoon.

“Younoisylittlebitch.Lethergo,Alan,”Otishollered.

“TurnaroundSam,”Otisdemanded.

Ohwell,fuckit.

AsAlanreleasedmyshoulders,Istoodfromthebench,pulledmydressfrommyshoulders,andtossedit

intothegrassbesidethebench.Asafewdistantvoicesaddedtotheexcitementofitall,Iwaitedformyinstructions.

“Knees,”Otissighedashepointedatthegroundinfrontofhim.

Iloweredmyselftothegroundandbeganto

squeezemytitsinmyhands.

“Grabherheadandforcehertosuckmycock,”Otisbellowed.

Fuckyes.Iloveit.

“Iuhhm,I…”Alanstammered.

“Grabherfuckingheadandshovemycockdownherthroat,”Otis

growledashestoodinfrontofmestrokinghisshinystiffcock.

AsIfeltAlan’shandsagainstthebackofmyhead,Iresisted,pushingwithallmymightagainsthim.This,overandaboveall,excitedmegreatly.ThethoughtofastrangermakingmesuckOtis

cockwasbeyondsensual.AwordtodescribewhatIfeltinanticipationofwhatwasgoingtohappenhadn’tevenbeeninventedyet.

AsAlan’shandspressedagainstthebackofmyhead,IglancedupwardtowardOtis.Hegazeddownatme,grinned,and

interlockedhisfingers.Iopenedmymouthfurtherasheraisedhisarmsandpositionedhishandsbehindhishead,archinghisbackashedidso.Stillwantingtoresist,butwithhistwitchingcocknowforcedintomyface,Ileanedforwardslightly.Idesperatelywanted

Otis’cockinmymouth.Ashepushedforward,forcingthetippastmylips,Ieagerlyaccepteditintomywetmouth.TomakethesituationworkouttobothOtis’andmyadvantage,Ipushedmyself,swallowingalmosteveryinchofhislength,helditforafewseconds,and

pulledmyheadrearwardquickly,falselygaspingforairasIdidso.

Assoonasmymouthreleasedthetipofhiscock,Iglancedupward,knowingfullwellhe’dtakecareofAlan.

“Goddamnyou,Alan.Makeherdeepthroatmycock.Youfuckthisup,and

I’llbeatyousenseless,”Otisbarked.

Voicesalongthepathbecamemoreandmoredistinct.Astheybecamecloseenoughtounderstandwhattheyweresaying,Alan’shandgrabbedmyhairandbeganforcingmeontoOtiscocklikeajackhammer.

TrulygaggingandcoughingslobberfrommymouthasAlanshovedmythroatfullofcock,myeyesbegantowater.AsslobberdrippedfrommymouthandalongtheshaftofOtis’dick,Ireachedupandcuppedhissoakedballsinmyhand.

AsIrubbedand

playedwithhisslipperyballs,Iclosedmyeyesandbecamelostinthesmell,soundsofvoices,andAlan’sincessantslammingofmyheadontoOtis’cock.Withhiscockdeepinmythroat,IfeltasifIwasgoingtoeitherpukeordiefromlackofoxygen.Ireleasedhisballsandslapped

myhandsagainsthisthighs,hopingforalittlerelief.

AsIpreparedtopassout,Otispulledhiscockfrommymouth.IgaspedforairandopenedmyeyesatthesametimeOtisbarkedouthisfinalorder.

“Holdherheadstill,”hegruntedashestrokedhis

fatcock.

Withinamatterofseconds,muchtomycompletesatisfaction,Otisbegantocumallovermyface,tits,stomach,andmouth.Asthewarmcumdropletslandedagainstmyface,Ireachedformypussy,moaningwithpleasure.When

hefinallystoppedejaculatingandstoodstill,Imoanedamoanofnewfoundpleasure.Withmyfingersknuckledeepinmypussy,IextendedmytongueandlickedwhatcumfrommyfaceIwasabletoreach.

“Thanksforyourhelp,”Otischuckled.

“Sorryaboutthethreats.Itjustkindofaddedtotheexcitement,”Otisexplainedashepulledhispantsup.

Istoodandtookthefewstepstomydress.Afterpickingitupfromthegrass,Iturnedtheinsideofitoutwardandwipedthecumfrommy

face.AsAlanquietlywalkedawayshakinghishead,IgotdressedandturnedtowardOtis.

“Enjoyyourself?”heasked,smilingfromeartoear.

“Bestfuckingdateever,”Igrinned.

Henoddedhisheadas

hebuckledhisbelt,“Feelthesameway.”

And,asfuckedupasmostpeoplewouldseeit,andasfewwouldbelieveitifevertoldthestory,thesexualadventuresofournightwereabsolutelyperfect.

AndIcouldn’twaittoseewhatOtisdreamedupfor

ournextdate.

OTISTheexposureofGunnerasanATFagentleftmefeelingasiftheclubneededtoremainasitwasfromamembership

standpoint,andneveraddanyoneelse.Knowingthatwasnotonlyimpossible,butcertainlynotintheclub’sinterest,Itriedtowrapmymindaroundabetterprocessofacceptingprospectsintotheclub.

Cashhadprospectedforayear,andalthoughI

vouchedforhimtobeacceptedasaprospect,addinghimtotheranksofSinnersseemedriskyandpotentiallythreatening.Forthelastyear,IhadsupportedCash,hisfoolishbehavior,andhischildishantics.Hisconstantdiscussionswithoutsidersregardingclub

business-oftenbraggingaboutwhatwasdoneandwhowasinvolved-hadcausedseveralmeetingstobeheldbetweenAxtonandmeregardingameansofforcinghimtoadheretothecodeofsilence.

Hispatchinpartywasbeingheld,andforlackofa

betterplacetohaveapigroast,theclubvotedtohavethepartyatCash’shomeinthecountryandnotatTater’sfarmasusual.ThehomeCashlivedinhadseveralacresofgrassbehindthehome,andnofarmanimals.Tater’shomewasanactualfarm,andhadlivestockclose

tothehome,makingthesmelloflivestock–especiallyhispigs–apartoftheparty.

Mentallystrugglingwithaddinganyonetotheclub,IdismissedmythoughtsasnervousinconsistenciesbasedonGunner’snothavingrefusedtotestifytothe

FederalGrandJuryyet.Hislackofadheringtohisendoftheagreementhadmeonedgeandworriedaboutthepotentialincarcerationofnotonlyme,butofeverymemberoftheclub.AsIsatonmybikecontemplatingwhattodoregardingGunner,Samwalkedoutofthehouse

andontotheporch.

Dressedinjeans,Conversesneakers,andashortsleevedbuttondownHarley-Davidsonshirt,shelookedadorableasshetwistedherhairintoaponytail.

“Ready,”sheholleredasshereleasedherponytail.

“Wellgeton,”IsighedsarcasticallyasIpressedthestartbutton.

Aftershewassecureonthebackofthebikeandhadherglasseson,Ispedoutofthedrivewayanddownthewindingroadthatledfromherneighborhood.TheridefromWichitatoWinfield

typicallytookfortyminutes,andalthoughIhadnorealrecollectionofthetripfromhermother’shousetoCash’s,ourarrivalat7:00indicatedIhadmadethetripinalittlelessthanthirtyminutes.

Bikeswereparkedinfrontofthegarage,besidethedrivewayonbothsides,and

throughouttheentirefrontyard.Countingthemwouldhavebeenimpossible,butaneducatedguesswouldhavebeenclosetosixtymotorcyclesandseveralcages.AsIslowlyrolledintothedriveway,cautiousofthebikesparkedoneitherside,Iwasalittleembarrassedof

mylatearrivalandthewayIwasfeelingaboutaddingCashtotheclub.

“There’salotofpeoplehere.Wow,”Samsaidaswecametoastopinthedrive.

AsIpositionedthebikebesideoneIdidn’trecognize,Ibeganonceagain

tofeeluneasyabouttheevent.Beingnervousaboutanythingwasn’ttypicalforme,andconsideringeverythingaboutthenightwasmakingmefeelill,mysoulsearchingforwhatwasintheclub’sbestinterestsimplymademattersworse.

“Well,let’sgoback

thereandmingle,”IsaidasIswungthekickstandintoplace.

“Arewelate?”sheaskedasshesteppedoffthebackofthebike.

“Kindof,”IsighedasIlockedtheignitionofthebike.

“Shouldhavegothere

at6:00witheveryoneelse,patchin’sat7:00,”Isaidflatly.

“Youdidn’tgettomyhouseuntil6:30.That’swhattimeyousaidtobeready,”sheshrugged.

“Iknow,Sam.Iknow.I’mnotfeelingthis,”Isighedasweslowlywalkedupthe

drive.

“What’swrong?”sheasked.

Iglancedovermyshoulderandstudiedheraswewalked.Ilovedherdearly,andthethoughtoflosingheragainwasincomprehensible.Mypositiononlife,theclub,

beinginarelationship,andbeinginlovehadchangedinthelastmonthandIfeltIneededtodowhateverwaswithinmypowertopreservethethingsIlovedandheldsacred.Keepingtheclubfromharmwasmytoppriority,anddoingsoalsokeptSamandmesafeandinasolid

relationship.

Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Nothing’swrong.There’sgoingtobeahundredorsopeoplebackhere.Itmightbealittleoverwhelming.I’llapologizeinadvance,butI’mgoingtobetiedupwiththefellasuntilthepatchinisover.Just

minglewithSydandAveryforabit,okay?”Isaid.

Shesmiledandnoddedherhead,“Okay.”

Aswecamearoundthebacksideofthehouse,itwasclearthepartywaswellunderway.Thesheersizeofthecrowdwasstaggering.Themusicblaringthe

unmistakablebeatsoftheBlackKeys,kegsofbeerintrashcansscatteredabout,severallongtablessurroundedbyfoldingchairs-mostlyoccupiedbyOl’Ladies-andmorecutsthanIcouldcountwanderingaboutaddedtomyleveloffrustration.

“Goddamn,theVPmadeit,”Axtonholleredoverhisshoulderfromthecircleofmensurroundinghim.

SeveraloftheOl’Ladies,includingSydney,Avery-andtomysurprise-Biscuit’snewfoundplaymateKat,weregatheredatthecornerofthegarage.

“Sam!”Sydneyshoutedfrombehindus.

Samglancedinmydirectionandheldhergazeasshewaitedformyinstructionsonwhatsheshoulddo.

“Justgohavefun.I’llbeawhilewiththisdeal.I’llfindyouinabit,okay?”I

shrugged.

“Loveyou,”shesaidwithasmile.

“Same,Sam.Loveyoutoo,”IsaidasIleanedoverandkissedherlightly.

“Ohwow.Ididn’tknowwecouldkissatthesethings,”shechuckled.

Irolledmyeyesand

tossedmyheadtowardthegirls,“Go.”

IturnedaroundandwalkedtowardAxton,whowassurroundedbyBiscuit,Toad,andafewothermenwhowerewearingcutsthatIdidn’timmediatelyrecognize.AsIapproached,Axtonsteppedbackandopenedhis

arms.

“Betterlatethannotatall,”hesaidasheslappedhishandagainstmyback.

“Knockyouoffapieceofassintheproduceaisleatthegrocerystore?”Biscuitchuckledashewrappedhisarmsaroundme.

Islappedmyhand

againsthisbackandshookmyhead,“No,justrunninglate,brother.”

AsIhuggedToad,hewhisperedintomyear,“Everythingalright,brother?”

Ibrokethehugandnoddedmyhead,“I’mgood.”

ButIwasn’t.

“Otis,needyouto

meetafewfellasfromtheFireandIronMC.Bigfuckerhere’sDoc.Doc,thisisourVP,Otis,”Axtonsaidashepointedtoamanwearingacutwhostoodbesidehim.

Barelyaninchorsoshorterthanme,andcoveredintattoostoonewristandtohiselbowontheotherarm,

themanhadacertainpresencetohimthatsupportedhisIdon’ttakeshitfromanyoneposture.Ashestoodstone-facedandshookmyhand,Istudiedhiscut.

President.“He’sthepresidentof

theWichitachapteroftheMCwerodedowntoTexas

about.AndthisfellaherecouldgiveBiscuitarunforhismoneyontellingstories.Teddy,thisisOtis,”Axtonsaidashetiltedhisheadtowardabarrel-chestedmonsterofamanwithafullbeardandblackcurlyhair.

“Pleasuretomeetya,”Teddysaidasheextendedhis

hand.

Hishandengulfedmineasheshookmyhandinhis.Iglanceddown,shockedatthesizeofhishands.Ashereleasedmygrip,Imadenoteofhissausage-sizedfingersandhugehands.Myguess,basedontheconditionofhisknuckles,wasthathewasthe

clubbrawler.

“Likewise,”Igrinned.

“Wewasjusttalkin’aboutthatfuckin’A-Traingetting’yourSergeant-At-Armsshot.GottakeepyoureyeonthatGoddamnedA-Train,he’sahot-head,”Teddychuckled.

“Seemedlikeapretty

solidfella,”Iresponded.

“Ohhe’ssolidasfourteenmotherfuckers,buthe’sahot-head.WehadtoshiphisassdowntoTexasjusttokeephimfromkillin’everybodythatpissedhimoff.I’mjustgladol’Toadhereain’tpushin’updaisies,”hechuckledashewrapped

hisarmaroundToad’sshoulder.

“Toad’satoughfucker,andalittleofahot-headhimself,”IchuckledasIslappedToad’sbicepwiththebackofmyhand.

“Fuckin’Marines,”Teddysighed.

“So,arethefellas

fromTexasgoingtomakeit?”Iasked.

Docshookhisheadfromside-to-side,“Theentirestatewasfloodedaweekagofromalloftheraintheygot.Hell,ObamadeclareditaFederalemergency.OurTexaschapterassembledandisdoingworkforcharity.The

boxer’sdonatingabunchofmoneyandalloftheirtimetohelpcleanupthemess,sotheywon’tbehere.”

Ipressedmyhandsintomyhipsandsighed,rememberingthenewssegmentontheflooding,“Yeah,Iheardaboutthat.Fuckinghighwayswereunder

water.”

“Well,Ihatetobreakupthislittleparty,butwe’vegottogetthiskidpatchedin.It’lljusttakefifteenminutesorso,thenwe’llallgetbacktogetherandsolvetheworld’sproblems.Soundgood?”Axtonasked.

“Niceseein’yaagain,

Slice,”Teddysaid.

“Slice,”Docnodded.

AxtonshookDoc’shandandturnedaroundtofaceme.

“Youstraight,”Axtonasked.

Inoddedmyhead,“Justworriedabouttheclub.”

Heshruggedhis

shoulders,“Anythingserious?”

Ishookmyhead,“Nothingyouaren’tawareof.”

IknewAxtonhadverylittleuseforCash.AlthoughthebylawsrequiredavotebyallmembersintheclubtoallowCashtobe

patchedin,I’dneverseenanyonedeniedtheirpatchafterprospecting,andIdidn’tsuspectCashwouldbeanydifferentinAxton’seyesthananyoftheotherhalf-assedmemberswe’dallowedintotheclubinthepast,Gunnerincluded.

“Well,letmegetthis

microphoneandmakeanannouncement,”Axtonsaid.

IraisedmyhandstomytemplesandnoddedmyheadasIbegantorubmyfingersagainstthesidesofmyhead.Axtonwalkedtowherethespeakerswerepositionedbehindthehouse.Betweenthespeakers,an

amplifier,stereoequipment,andamicrophonesatontopofatable.AsImadeeyecontactwithSam,ItossedmyheadtowardAxtonandraisedmyrightindexfingertomylips.

Shenoddedherheadinacknowledgement.

“Listenup!”Axton’s

voiceblaredoverthesoundsystem.

“Ineedcompletesilence,people,”hesaidasheraisedhisfreehandintheair.

Afterahalf-minutewait,thesoundfromthelargecrowdwasdowntoadullroar.

“Iappreciateeveryone

comingtocelebrateaprospectbeingpatchedintoourclub,”Axtonsaidintothemicrophone.

“Cashhadbeenahangaroundwiththeclubforaboutsixmonthsbeforebecomingaprospect,andalthoughit’sbeenaroughtwelvemonthsforallofus,

hisyearofprospectingisfinallyover…”

Miscellaneouswhoops,shouts,andamen’scamefromthecrowdasAxtonpaused.

“Sowe’reheretowitnessthisevent,andwatchhimrideamopedaroundthefuckingyardwhilehewearsa

shockcollararoundhisskinnylittleneck,”Axtonchuckledasheraisedtheremotecontrolfortheshockcollarintotheair.

Again,Axtonpaused,allowingseveralshoutsfromthecrowdtobeheardbyeveryone.

“So,withoutfurther

ado,we’llgetbacktoit.ToddParker,knownbytheclubasCash,hasfulfilledhisrequirementofprospectingfortwelvemonths.AllpatchedinSelectedSinnersinfavorofhisadvancementintotheclubandacceptanceasafullypatchedmemberrespondintheformofaye,”

Axtonsaidintothemicrophone.

Thecrowderuptedintoauniversal“Aye.”

Axtonnoddedhishead.

“RequiresaonehundredpercentvotetobeaSinner,anyopposedrespondintheformofnay,”he

shouted.

Iglancedaroundthecrowd.

Silence.

AsAxtonliftedthemicrophonetohismouth,IfixedmyeyesonSam,sighed,andraisedmyhand.

“Nay,”thewordbarelyescapedmymouth.

“Well,itappears…”Axtonbegan,clearlynothavingheardme.

“Nay!”Ishouted.

Axtonloweredthemicrophoneandshiftedhiseyestomeetmine.

“DoIhaveoneopposed?”Axtonasked.

Inoddedmyhead,

“Yesyoudo.Myvoteisnay,”Isaid.

Cash,standingtwentyorsofeetfrommewithhisarmsfoldedinfrontofhischest,droppedhishandstohissidesashiseyeswidened.

“Isthisajoke?”hehollered.

Ishookmyhead.

“Areyoufuckingkidding?”heshouted.

IglancedatSam,shiftedmyeyestowardCash,andshookmyheadagain.

Ashewalkedmydirection,hebegantoexpresshisdispleasureofmyvote.

“I’vebeenlivinginhellfortwelvefucking

monthsforthis.Iwashedbikes.Igotcigarettes.Icleanedtheshop.IgotinfuckingfightswithpeopleIdon’tevenknowfornoreasonotherthanapatchtoldmeto.Thisisfuckingbullshit,andIsayyourvotedoesn’tcount,Otis.I’ve…”

Ishiftedmyfeettothe

sideslightlyandwidenedmystance.Ashecontinuedtoapproachme,Iraisedmyhandsinfrontofmychestandclenchedmyfists.

“Yousee,that’stheproblem.Youhavenorespect,notact,andnoregardforauthorityoranyonewho’syoursenior.Keepwalking

thisdirectionallpuffeduplikethatandI’llknockyourlittleassout,”Igrowled.

Heslowedhiswalk,butcontinuedtoadvanceinmydirectionslowly.

“I’mnotfuckingaround,littleman,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.

Ashecontinuedto

walkmydirection,Axtondroppedthemicrophoneandbegantowalkinhisdirection,morethanlikelytointercepthimbeforehegothurt.

WithToadandBiscuitstandingslightlybehindmetellingmetotakeiteasy,Cashcontinuedto

nonchalantlywalkcloserandcloser,hischestthrustforwardandhisshouldersrolledbackasifhewaspreparedtofight.

“You’reacocksuckingprick,”hesaidashesteppedalmostcloseenoughformetopunch.

“Don’ttakeanother

step,Cash,”Iseethed.

“And...”hesaidashetookthelaststepseparatingus.

Iswiveledmyhipsandswungarightuppercutintohisjaw.NodifferentlythanIwouldhaveguessed,thepunchliftedhimfromhisfeet,andsenthimintoapile

ofmotionlessfleshafewfeetbehindwherehewasstanding.Ashewasnowclearlyunconscious,andinnoneedofmore,ItookastepbackandsighedasIrubbedmyknuckles.

“Didn’tseethatcoming,”Axtonsaid.

“Neitherdidhe,”I

responded.

“No,thevoteinopposition;goodlookingout,”hesaidthroughhisteethasheliftedCash’sshouldersfromtheground.

Sam,nowstandingbehindAxtonasheraisedCashtohisfeet,stoodwithwideeyesandaworriedface,

“Areyouokay?”

“I’mfine.Guesstheparty’sover,”Ishrugged.

AlthoughIfeltmyvoteagainstCash’sacceptanceintotheclubwasinmy-andtheSinners-bestinterest,itdidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.HavingCashdisrespectmeafterwardby

callingmeacocksuckerwasn’ttotallyunexpected,butIdidn’tanticipateiteither.NowfeelinglikeI’druinedalongawaitedparty,Istareddownatthetoesofmybootsandwonderedwhattheremainderofthenightwouldbring.

IwatchedasAxton

helpedCashintothebackdoorofthehouse,followedbyCash’swife.Aftertheydisappearedintothehouse,Axtonemergedandwalkedourdirection.Assoonasitwasclearhewascomingtowherewestood,IfixedmyeyesonSamandtiltedmyheadtotheside.

“GobackoverwithSydandAveryforabit,Sam.I’llcomeovertherehereinafew,okay?”Isighed.

Samwasnostrangertoseeingmefight.Inherpresenceovertheyearsweweretogether,shehadseenmeinnolessthanadozenfights,maybemore.Without

somuchasanounceofargument,sheslowlyturnedaroundandwalkedaway.

“Goddamn,Otis.Sowasthatwhyyouwerelate?Ponderingyourdecision?”Axtonaskedashesteppedinfrontofus.

“No,justwasn’tlookingforwardtosayingit,I

guess.Hell,Iknewallalong–oratleastforthelastfewmonthsanyway–thatIdidn’tlikehisarroganceandattitude,butthedealwithGunnersealeditforme,”Ishrugged,“Wedon’tneedanybodyinthisclubthatisn’tahundredpercent.”

Axtonpursedhislips

andstudiedmeforamoment.“Agreed,”hebreathed.

“Otis,help!”avoicescreamedfrommyleft.

Ispuntowardthevoice.Cash’swifeKarenstoodonthebackporchwavingherarmsandblubbering.

“Help,he’s…”she

shoutedasshepointedtowardthedoor.

IbeganswiftlywalkingtowardthehouseasAxton,ToadandBiscuitfollowed.UponreachingKaren,herblubbering,cryingandwavingherarmsdidlittletoletusknowwhatwasgoingon.Afterpullingthe

dooropenandpointinginside,shecoveredherfacewithherhands.

Afteranaudiblesigh,shepulledherhandsawayfromherfaceandexposedherquiveringlip.

“In…the…kitchen,”shesobbed.

“He’sgot…a…gun,”

shemuttered.

IglancedatAxton,uncertainofwhetherornottoproceed.AsAxtontookadeepbreath,Toadshovedmetotheside,pushedhiswaypastAxton,andsteppedintothehouse.Ashequicklydisappearedtomyleft,Iyankedthedoortotheside

andraninsidethehouse.

“GoddamnitToad,no!”Ishouted,knowinghewouldn’thesitatetotryandtaketheweaponfromCash.

Toadcouldn’tstandtobeshotagain,andalthoughIwassureheknewit,hisprideandeagernesstoresolveproblemswouldn’tprevent

himfromexposinghimselftoharm.AsIfollowedimmediatelybehindToad,AxtonandBiscuitwererightbehindme.

AssoonasIsteppedintothekitchen,Toadstoppedinhistracksandheldhishandtohisside,instructingmetostop.

Cashstoodinthecenterofthekitchen,holdingapistolinhishand,andpointingitathistemple.

“Ain’tgotnothingtosaytoyou,Toad.IwanttotalktoOtis,”Cashsaidinasurprisinglycalmvoice.

“Putthegundown,Cash,”Axtonsaidashe

steppedbesideme.

Cashchuckledandshookhishead,“SorrySlice.Don’twanttotalktoyou,either.”

“Why?’hesaidasheturnedmydirection.

Ishruggedmyshoulders,notknowingexactlywhattosay,

consideringallthings.

“Youhadtohaveareason,”heshrugged.

Inoddedmyheadandswallowedthelumpthatwasquicklyrisinginmythroat.

Stillholdingthepistoltohistemple,hewidenedhiseyes,“Whatwasit?”

“Youweren’tready.

Putthegundownandwe’lldiscussit,”IsaidundermybreathasIraisedbothmyhandintotheair,hopingtocomforthimthatIwasn’ttryingtobeathreat.

Heshookhishead,“Notready?Theyearjustwasn’tenoughforyou,huh?”

“That’snotit.Hell,

Cash,thisisjustproof.Hell,you’reinthekitchenthreateningsuicide.Howstabledoesthatmakeyou?”Iasked.

“Cashplease,”hiswifeweptfrombehindme.

Hiseyeswidenedashetiltedhisheadslightlytothesideandfixedhisgazeon

me.

“Notvery,”hesighed.

Therepercussionfromtheweaponfiringexplodedintotheroom.Thedeafeningsound,dulledslightlyfromthebodiessurroundinghim,pushedpainfullyintomyears.Astheacridtasteofcorditefilledtheair,Karen

screamed,andCashfelltothefloor.

“OhmyGod,no!Callanambulance,”shescreamed.

Iclenchedmyjawmusclesandturnedmyheadtowardthedoorwaybehindme.

Noneedforan

ambulance.

Hewasdeadbeforehehitthefloor.

SAMCash’ssuicideatthepartyhadhitmeprettyhard.ThelocalpoliceinterviewingOtis,Axton,andtherestof

thepeoplewhowereinthehousemademefeelextremelyuneasy.AlthoughIhadn’tsecondguessedmydecisiontobeinarelationshipwithOtis,twosuicides,arandomshooting,andabankrobberyoverthecourseofsixmonthscausedmetowonderjustwhatthe

futuremightbring.

Otisdidn’tseemtobetootroubledbythesuicide.Irealizedwealldealwithdeathandlossinadifferentmanner,butheseemedtobemoreconcernedwiththewelfareofCash’swifethanthefactCashhadcommittedsuicide.

Hewentontoexplainhowhefeltnoguiltwhatsoeverregardingthedeath,andthatCashshootinghimselfwasfurtherproofthathisdecisiontoopposeCash’sacceptanceintotoclubwaswarranted.Cash’sinabilitytohandletheday-to-daypressuresofbeingintheclub,

Otismadeclear,wasprovenbycommittingsuicide.

Ididn’tnecessarilydisagreewithanythinghehadsaid.Itdidn’t,however,maketheentirethinganymoreacceptabletomeasbeingjustanotherdayinthelifeofaSinner’sOl’Lady.Istaredintothebackyardwishingfor

anormallifeandfarlessdrama.

TwocupsofcoffeeintomymorningandIfelthalfsick.Ipushedmycuptothecenterofthetableandheldmyhandafewinchesoverthetopofthetableandattemptedtosteadyit.AsIwatcheditshakingno

differentlythanifIwasarecoveringcrackaddict,Iwonderedifsomethingmightbewrongwithme,orifmynerveswerecontinuingtogetthebestofme.

Myotherwisedramafreelifeofthelastfourteenyearshadbeenfilledwiththedeathofmymother,a

suicide,andmyknowledgeoftheotherthanlegitimateactivitiesofanoutlawmotorcycleclub.Ontheupside,Iguessed,IhadreunitedwiththemanIsodearlyloved,enjoyedtimewithhisparent’s,andmadefriendswithtwowomenwhoIsuspectedwouldbefriends

forlife.Hesitanttonaturallyaccepttheeventsofthelastmonthasbeingpartofmypreferredwayoflivinglife,IfounditmucheasieracceptingthemasbeinganextensionofOtis’life,andthereforeapartofmylifewithhim.

AsIsattherefeeling

significantlymoresatisfiedaboutitthanIhadfeltearlierinthemorning,Istaredatthecupofcoffee,almostrepulsedbythesmellofit.AfterdecidingIwasonthevergeofworryingmyselfsickagain,Idecidedtodumptheremainingcoffeeinthesinkandmakesomethingtoeat.

ThearomaofthewarmcoffeeasIdumpeditintothesinkcausedmetogag,andwithinamoment’stimeIwasrunningtothebathroom.

Idroppedtotheknees,vomitingintothetoiletandontothefloorasIattemptedtopositionmyselfoverthestool.Feelingasif

somethingwasundoubtedlywrongwithmydigestivesystemormynerves,IproceededtovomitthetwocupsofmorningcoffeeIhadjustfinisheddrinking.AfterbeingconvincedIwasdonewiththespectacle,Istoodfromthefloorandcleanedmyfaceinthesink.AsI

brushedmyteeth,Taylorannouncedherconcerns.

“Meow.”

Stillbrushingmyteeth,Iturnedtofaceherandshruggedmyshoulders.

“Meow.”

Irinsedmymouthandturnedaround.

“Iknow.I’vegotto

getahandleonthesenerves.”

“Meow.”

Istaredblanklyather,stillfeelingqueasy.AsIstudiedher,mymindfilledwithmanythoughtsnotallofwhichwereonmylistofpreferredreasonsformyrecentboutsofsickness.Iextendedmyshakinghand,

thoughtofwhatdayIhadarrivedinKansas,andbegantocountweeks,days,andeventsonmyfingers.

Aftercountingandrecounting,Ibitmyquiveringlipandwalkedtothekitchen.Afteropeningmypurseandstaringintoitforalongmoment,myheadbeganto

spinagain.

Thiscan’tbe.Irecountedthedays

onmyfingersandstareddownatthefloor.

“Meow.”

“Shhh,I’mthinking.”

There’snoway.“Meow.”

Iclutchedmypurseinmyhandandstumbledblindlytowardthedoor.Ifmymathwascorrect,I’dneedtodosomethingquicklyandwithoutanyoneknowingaboutit.

HavingOtisinmylifewasthebestthingtoeverhappentome.

AndIwasn’tabouttochancelosinghim.

Notagain.

OTISAxtonlookedupfromhisledgerandclosedthecover.Ihadsatquietlyashefinishedrecitinghisaccountofthe

patchinpartyintothebook.Acreatureofhabit,andamethodicaloneatthat,AxtonkepttrackofallofthemajorhighlightsofhislifeasaSinner,anddidsoinwritingforfuturereference.Morethantenyearsofactivities,stories,events,andstrangehappeningswereexplainedin

detailinthemanyleatherboundbooks,butonlyinamannerthatmadesensetoAxton.Somemightcallhimparanoid,otherswoulddescribehimascautious,andaselectfewbelievedhewasnothingshortofagenius.

Me?

HewasjustAxton,

thepresidentoftheclub.

“KindofnicehavingSamaroundagain,”hesaidasheslidthebooktohisside.

“Realnice,”Iresponded.

“So,Averysaysshe’smovingback?”heaskedashestood.

Iwidenedmyeyesin

acknowledgementasIliftedthebottleofbeertomylips.Afteralongdrink,Istoodfrommyseatandturnedtofacethedoor.

“Yeah.Probablygohelphergethershitloadedintoatruck;mighttaketheToadandBiscuitwithme.Theydon’tknowityet,”I

saidovermyshoulderasIopenedtheofficedoor.

“Ifyou’regettinganother,besureandleavethatstinkingmotherfuckerintheshop,”AxtonsaidasIwalkedintothehallway.

Noshit.

Itossedtheemptybeerintothetrashcanand

walkedtothefridge.Afterpulledtwomorebottlesfromtheshelfandopeningone,Iturnedtowardthehallwayandliftedthebottletomymouth.AsIwalkedtotheoffice,ItookaslowdrinkofthecoldbeerandthoughtofmyfuturewithSam,andjustwhatitmightincludelong

term.AlthoughsheandIhadn’tspokenaboutit,Isuspectedassoonasshereturnedwe’denduplivingtogether.

SomethingIhadn’tgivenamoment’sthoughttointhelastdecadeandahalf,Inowfeltalmostobligatedtodoso–allowingusto

becomeasclosetoaconventionalcoupleasIwasable.AxtonsatatthetablereadingfromtheledgerasIwalkedin,butclosedthebookandshoveditasideasIsatdown.

“Everythingintherethatneedstobe,”Iasked.

Henoddedhishead

andpattedhishandonthetopofthebook,“Lookslikeit.JustmakingsureIhadeverything.Everythingalright?”

“Yep.Golden.”

“Well,reasonI’maskingisyou’retwo-fistingthebeerstonightandit’smid-fucking-week.Justwondering

ifeverythinginyourworld’sgood,”heaskedasheleanedforwardandrestedhiselbowsontheedgeofthetable.

“It’snotyourfault,youknow,”hesighed.

Irolledmyeyesasthecornerofmymouthcurledintoasmirk.“Ohshit,I’mnotworriedaboutthat.”

“TellyouwhatItoldSam.Thatfuckershootinghimselfprovidedsupportofmythoughtsthathewasn’tgoingtobeabletohandlebeingaSinner.Hewasweak,”IsaidasItiltedtheneckofmybeerbottletowardhim.

“Don’tdisagree,”he

nodded.

IgazeddownatmybottleofbeerasIspoke,wonderingifwhatIwasgoingtosaywouldmakeasmuchsensecomingoutofmymouthasitdidrattlingaroundinmyhead,“IthinkGunnerandtheentireATFthingmighthavemademea

littlemorecautiousaboutwhoweletinthisclub,Ax.It’sourclubyouknow.It’sourfuckingresponsibilitytokeepit…well…youknowwhatImean.Thisplace,thisclub,it’smyfamily.Anditisn’teveryonethatgetstopickwho’sintheirfamily.Thefactwegettoshould

meanwe’vegotnothingbutagoodsolidbunchofbrothers.”

Heleanedawayfromthetableandcrossedhisarms.

“Twoweeksago,Iwouldhavebetfoldingmoneywehadthebestbunchofhand-pickedfellasin

existence.Now,I’mprettysurewe’vegotitwhittleddowntowhereitneedstobe.AndI’vegottoagreewithyouonGunner,I’mstillnervousaboutthat.”

Ipickedupmybottleofbeer,tookaslowdrink,andgazedhisdirectionasIletthebottledanglefrommy

thumbandforefinger.

Hiseyeswidenedslightlyasheclearedhisthroat.

“So,something’seatingatyou.What’sgoingon?”heasked.

“DoyouloveAvery?”IaskedasIgazeddownatthebottledanglingfrommy

fingers.

Hecoughedalaughandslappedhishandlightlyagainstthetable.

“WhatthefuckdoesthathavetodowiththepriceofriceinChina?”heasked.

Iliftedthebottletowardmylips,paused,andallowedittodanglebesidein

frontofmymouth.

“Comeon,Ax.Weain’tsittinghereSliceandOtis.ThisisSteveandAxtonfrombackintheday-thesametwomotherfuckerswhousedtowalktoschooltogethereverydayandhaverockkickingcontestsontheway.Doyouloveher?”I

askedoverthetopofthebottle.

“That’sagoodquestion.Ioughttocomebackandaskyoutodefinelove,but…”hepausedashebegantorockbackandforthinhischair.

“Idoloveher.Maynotbeinthesamewayyou

loveyoumotherandfather,butit’slove,that’sforsure.Hardformetoexplain,brother,”hesighed.

AsIexhaledandleanedforward,heraisedhisindexfingerintheairtostopmefromspeaking.

“Here’sthedeal.Ican’tfuckingimagine,no

matterhowhardItry–andbelieveme,I’vetried–livinglifewithoutherinit.Thisstaysrighthere,”hesaidashepointedhisfingerbackandforthbetweenus.

“Noshit?”Ichuckled.

Heclaspedhishandsbehindhisheadandleanedbackinhischair.Ashis

mouthcurledintothefirstsmileI’dseenonhisfaceinquitesometime,hebegantospeak.

“Justmakingsurewewereonthesamepage.ButI’lltellya,ifthatgirleverleftme?Shit.NotonlywouldIbedonewithwomen,I’mafraidI’dbedonelivinglife

altogether.Justwatchingherwalkaroundthehousesatisfiestheabsolutefuckoutofme.Ikeepwaitingforhertodosomethingstupid,andthedaynevercomes.Shekeepsmeyoung,keepsmehappy,andmakesmethinktwiceaboutmostofthedecisionsI’dhavenevereven

thoughtaboutayearago.It’sloveforsure,butit’shardtoexplain,brother.Hardtoexplain.”

“Well,youjustdidaprettygoodjobofit.Makessensetome,anyway.IneverreallytalkedabouthowIfelt,exceptyouknowhowIusedtofeel.FarasIcanfigure,I

neverfelloutoflovewithSam.Youknow,youandIbeensingleforfuckingeveruntilnow.Most1%ershavehalfadozenbitchesthey’refucking.Youandme?Shit,forthelasttenyearsweain’thadonebitchonourarm.BeentellingyouandeventellingmyselfIcouldn’ttrust

‘em.Well,beinghonestaboutit,I’dcomparedeverybitchwhoevenlookedatmetoSam.Nobodymeasuredup.Andnow?Cometofindoutshe’sbeensingleforthelasttenyearsorso,andshe’sfeltthesameway.It’slikedestinyorsomeshit,”Ishrugged.

Heraisedoneeyebrowandforcedacough,“Destiny?”

Ifinishedmybeer,openedthesecondbottleandtookasip.Icuppedmyhandsaroundthecoldglass,hesitated,andthenraisedmycoolhandstomycheeks.

“Yeah.Destiny,”I

grinned.

“Yougoofyson-of-a-bitch.You’reinlovelikeafuckingteenager.Lookatyou.Goddamn,neverthoughtI’dseeit,”hechuckledasheleanedforward.

Iloweredmyhandsfrommycheeks,realized

whatIhaddone,andshruggedmyshoulders.

“Youknow,aboutyoutwobeingapartforsolong,”hepausedandraisedhisrighthandtohischin.

Asherubbedhischininhispalm,hecontinued,“Beinginseparabledoesn’tdefinetruelove.Being

separatedandhavingnothingchangebetweenyou,however,does.”

Inoddedmyheadandthoughtforalongmomentwithoutresponding.Itrulylikedwhathehadsaid,andIfeltitappliedtoSamandmewithoutquestion.

“Hell,there’snothing

wrongwithbeinginlove.Therightwomanwillmakeamanabetterperson.Findingheristhetoughpart.Inthiscase,youdidn’thavetofindher.Nothingchangedbetweenyoutwoandallyouhadtodowasadmitit,”hesaidasheturnedhispalmsupward.

“Somethinglikethat.Ireallywantedtomakesureyouwereokaywitheverything,mebeingtieddownwithanOl’Ladyandall,”Isaidundermybreath.

Helaughedoutloudforasecondandnoddedhishead.

“I’mfinewithit,

brother.LikeIsaid,therightwomanwillmakeyoubetter.Foryou,findingtherightonewouldhavebeenextratough.Itain’teverywomanwho’llletamanfuckherinin-schooldetentionwhentherearethreeotherkidsinthere,”hesaidwithalaugh.

Inarrowedmygaze

andwrinkledmynoseslightly,“Yourememberedthat?”

Heshookhisheadashiseyesrolledbackslightly,“Rememberit?HellOtis,forusnormalmotherfuckers,it’shardtoforgetshitlikethat.Yeah,Irememberedit.Everykidinschoolprobablydoes

too.I’mguessingshe’sstillthatway?”

Ithoughtofthenightinthebotanicalgardensandbegantolaugh.

“Justbetweenyouandme?”Iasked.

“Inyourownwords,noshit,”helaughedashecrossedhisarmsinfrontof

hischest.

“FuckedherinBotanicatheothernight.GotsomekidwhowaswanderingaroundtocomeholdherdownonaconcretebenchwhileIfuckedher,”IsaidasIslappedthetipsofmyfingersagainstthetable.

“You’refucking

shittin’me?”hegasped.

Ishookmyhead,“Nope.”

“Goddamn,Otis.Justsomefuckingweirdowanderingthroughthefuckingflowergarden?YouwalkuptohimandtellthispoorfuckeryouneedhimtoholdyourOl’Ladydownso

youcanporkher?JesusHChrist,”hechuckled.

“Kindof,yeah.Hadtothreatenhimwithanasswhippin’togethimtodoit,”Ishrugged.

“Goddamn.Well,how’ditpanout?Didshelikeit?”heaskedheshookhisheadindisbelief.

“Lovedit.Hell,shecan’tquittalkingaboutit,”Iresponded.

“Well,thereyougo.LikeIsaid,it’slove.Fuck,youmayberightbrother,it’sprobablythatfuckingthingyoucalldestiny,”hesaidashewidenedhiseyes.

“Mightbe,”Isighed

asIstoodfrommyseat.

“Sowhatdidwelearnfromallthis?”heaskedashestood.

“Justwantingtoletyouknowshe’sgoingtobearound,andmakesureyouwerealrightwithitall,”IsaidasIliftedthebottleofbeertomymouth.

“AndifIwasn’t?”heasked.

Idranktheremainingbeer,reachedfortheotherempty,andwalkedtothedoor.AsIreachedforthehandle,Iglancedovermyshoulder.

“Youprobablydon’twanttoknow,”Iresponded.

Hecrossedhisarmsandswallowedheavily.

“IthinkIalreadydo,”henodded.

Iopenedthedoorandsteppedintothehallway.AsItossedthebottlesintothetrash,thesoundofAxton’sdistantvoicefilteredoutintotheshop.

“TellherIsaidhello…”

Willdo,Axton.Willdo.

SAMMakinglifealteringdecisionswithouttheassistanceoforreassurancefromothersisdifficult.Copingwiththe

falloutofatoughdecisionisalwayseasierifsomeoneclosetoyouhelpedyoumakeit.Themajorityofmychoicesinadulthoodweremadewhiletalkingtomymotheroverthephone.Nolongerhavingthatluxuryforcedmetolookelsewhereforsupport,andluckilyI

didn’thavetolookfar.HavingSydneyandAveryasfriendswassomethingIwastrulygratefulfor,andthetimehadcomeformetotesttheirabilitytostandupwithmeinthemosttryingoftimes.

“Justletmefinishbeforeyouguysstart,”Isaid

throughmyshakinglowerlip.

IfeltsurprisinglycalmconsideringhowI’dfeltearlier.FeelingasifIwaseitherfarmorecomfortablewiththedecisionthatIexpectedmyselftobe,orIwassimplyinshock,Iinhaledashallowbreath,clutchedmypurse,and

exhaled.

“I’mpregnant,and…”

“OhmyGod,congratulations!”Averyshouted.

“Thisissoexciting,”Sydneysaidassheclappedherhandstogether,“CambioandIhavebeentalkingandhewaswantingto…”

Iraisedmyrighthandintheairtostopthemfromcontinuing,andbegantosob.Afterwhatseemedlikeseveralminutesofsobbing,Iwipedmyfacefreeofthetearsandattemptedtocatchmybreath.

“Sorry,IthoughtIwasdonecrying,”Imuttered

asIglancedup.

TheybothsatstaringatmeasifnotknowingforsurewhattosayorwhyIwascrying.Itwasobvioustome,andprobablyprettyobvioustothemthetearswerenottearsofjoy,butuglytears.

“Thisconversationstayshere,”Isaidflatly.

Bothwomengrinnedandshruggedtheirshoulders.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.Noproblem,”Sydneygrinned.

“I’mwaiting,”Averysaidassheturnedherpalmsup.

“I’mjustgoingtocutrighttoit,”Isighed.

Talkfast,Sam.Justsayit.

Ibittheedgeofmylowerlipandspokethroughmyteeth,“Ineedtogetanabortion.”

AsIexpected,bothwomen’seyeswidened.Averygaspednodifferentlythanifshe’dwitnesseda

murder.Sydneycoveredherfacewithherhandsandattemptedtohideherfeelings,butnothingcoulddisguisethem.Herfaceclearlysaidwhathermouthdidnot.

“Why?”Averyaskedunderherbreath,“Anabortion?”

Inoddedmyhead,“It’stheonlyanswer.”

Iclutchedmypurseandcontinued,“Idon’tknowifyouknowitornot,buttheentirereasonwebrokeupbeforewasovermewantingkids.Hedidn’t.Heenjoysthefreedomofbeingfree.Idotoo.Itdoesn’tmatter,ifhe

findsout,he’lleitherkillmeorleaveme.IknowOtis.Ican’tlosehim.Notagain.”

“Hedoesn’tknow?”Averyhissedasshefoldedherarmsinfrontofherchestandthrustherselfintotherearofthebooth.

Ishookmyhead,“Thisisn’teasy.Itreally…”

“Tellhim,”Averydemanded.

Ipulledmypursetomychestandhelditclose,“Ican’t.Youdon’tunderstand.”

“Youoweittohim,”shesnappedback.

IglancedatSydney.Withherfacestillcontorted,clearlyexpressinghorrific

shockandsorrow,sheattemptedtocoveritwithherhandswhileshelistened.IshiftedmyeyestowardAvery.

“Ineed…Ineedhiminmy…inmylife.Ican’tlivewithout…him.Ilovehim,”IsaidasIfoughtbacktears.

“Ifyoulovehim,tell

him,”shebegged,“Youmightbesurprised.”

“Youmightbesurprised.Ifhedidn’tkillme,he’dleavemeforsure.Heleftmeoverthemerementionofkids.Anactualchildwouldsendhimrunning.Hell,you’dprobablyneverseehimagain,”Iexplained.

“Youwerewhat,twenty-oneyearsold?”sheasked.

InoddedmyheadasIcontinuedtohugmypurse.

“Sixteenyearsago.Peoplemature,thingschange.Tellhim,”shesaidassheleanedforward,restingherarmsontheedgeofthetable.

“Hismindhasn’tchanged.Iassureyou.I’msorry,Idon’twanttoargue.Ijustneedsupportrightnow,”Isaidundermybreath.

Averycrossedherarmsandsettledagainstthebackofthebooth.IshiftedmyeyestoSydney,whohadfinallyuncoveredherface

andwaswipingtearsfromherface.

“Uhhm,Icouldtalkto…Iwas…”shemuttered.

Sheshookherheadandclearedherthroatasshewipedhereyesagainsttheheelsofherpalms.

“IthinkCambioandIwouldbewillingtoadoptthe

baby.I’dhavetotalktohim,butlet’sjustgowithit’sayes,atleastfornow.Imeanifyoudon’twantitforsure,”shemurmured.

Ipushedmypurseontotheedgeofthetableandshookmyhead,“We’regoingthewrongdirection.I’mnotkeepingthisbaby.”

“Don’tkillit,”Sydneycried.

“It’snotkillinganything,Sydney.Really,itisn’tevenababyyet,”Isnapped.

Shenoddedherheadasshebegantocry.Assheworkedherselfintoafullblownsob,shecoveredher

facewithherhandsandspokethroughthegapsinherfingers.

“Yesitis…”sheblubbered.

“It’spartofyou…”

“Andit’spartof…him.”

Sheslidherhandsagainstherfaceand

attemptedtowipethetearsaway,“Howaboutwaiting?”

Icouldn’tbelievemyears.Iexpectedthemtoprovidesupport-maybenotbothofthem-butatleastone.Iwentintothebarwithvisionsofoneofthemtakingmetotheabortionclinic,andholdingmyhandthroughit

all,makingmefeelbetteraboutthedecision.Afterward,itwouldbeasecretthethreeofusshared,andtooktoourgraves.OtisandIlivinghappilyeverafterwouldstandasproofthatthedecisionwemadewastherightchoice,andthethreeofuswouldberemindedofit

everydaythatheandIlivedinourstateoftruelove.

Istoodfrommyseat.Averycontinuedtositinthebooth,armscrossed,glaringatme.

“Sonosupportfromeitherofyouonthis?”IaskedasIclutchedmypursetightly.

Sydneystood.

Averyglared.

AndIbegantocry.

OTISIhadn’tspokenwithSaminovertwenty-fourhours,andIhadnotseenherinpersonsincethepatchinparty.Two

tripstohermother’shousesincethepartyproducednothing,andnowshewasn’tansweringtextsorcalls.IconsideredthedeathofCash,andhowitmayhavehadaneffectonher.Althoughsheseemedtotakethelossofhermotherverywell,Cash’sdeathmayhavebeenenough

tocausehertogointoarecessionofsorts.Frustratedbeyondcompareandfeelingquitehelpless,Isatonbenchinhermother’sbackyardandwaited.

Wehadspentmanyanightinthebackyard,andIalwaysenjoyedthesmelloftheflowers.AfterSamandI

parted,thesmellofanytypeofflowersalwaysseemedtobringthoughtsofherbacktotheforefrontofmymind.Now,sittingamidsttheveryyardwegrewupenjoying,Iwasfeelingemptyandheartbroken.

OtherthanhergoingbacktoSt.Louisandpossibly

havingsecondthoughtsofusremainingtogether,Icouldcomeupwithnoreasonforhertobegone.AsIglancedaroundtheyardandmadenoteofthechangeshermotherhadmadesinceI’dseenitlast,Ibegantoconsiderotherpossibilities.

Kidnapping.

Murder.

Carwreck.Anotherrelationship.

Marriage.

Mymindbegantospinincircles.IwonderedifitwaspossiblethattheATFhadherinforquestioning,buthadnoideaofhowtofindoutiftheydid.Aftermuch

thought,IdecidedI’ddrivetowhereverGunnerwasandthreatenhimuntilhetoldmeeverythingheknew.

Igazedbeyondtheflowers,shrubberyandtreesintothecorneroftheyard.Thesmallyellowbuildinghermotherhousedhertoolsinwasstillinthecornerofthe

yard.Askids,weusedtohideinthelittleshackandmakeout,oftenkissingforhoursandhours,notnecessarilyknowing-orbeingafraidtogoforward–withwhatthenextstepwas.

Icherishedthosedays.Theinnocenceofusboth.Kissinguntilourjaws

weretired,ridingmybikehomeafterward,filledwithafeelingthatnothingornooneprovidedmesince.AfterI’dgethome,I’dlieinbedandrubmylipsasIcountedthehoursuntilwe’dbeabletokissheragain.

LovingSamwasn’tadecisionImade,itwas

somethingthatsimplyhappened.EvenbeforeIkissedherthefirsttime,Iknew.TheaffectionIfeltforherwasevenmoreapparenteverytimewewereapart,asIwouldacheforhertoreturn.Whenweweretogether,thepainwoulddisappear,onlytoreturnagainassoonaswe

separated.

Afterourfirstkissnothingchanged-exceptthelevelofpainIfeltwhenwewereapart.Beingawayfromherafterthefirsttimewemadelovewasnothingshortofimpossible,andwequicklybecameinseparablefollowingthememorableevent.We

remainedateachother’ssidesuntiltheend.

IshiftedmyeyesfromtheshacktotheyardandglancedaroundattheflowersasIstood.Theyardwaswherewebeganourrelationship,hadourfirstkiss,andalsowheretherelationshipended.AsI

staredblanklyatthemixtureofcolorsandthecontrastofitall,Ifelttheironyinmystandingintheyardonceagain,feelingasifsomethingchangedbetweenus.

AlthoughIhadnoideawhatcausedthechange,ithurt,andithurtdeeply.Lovingsomeonehasthe

abilitytoprovidethegreatestdegreeofpleasureorthedeepestfeelingofindescribablepain.Whichyoureceiveisdeterminedbywhetherornotthesamelevelofloveyou’regivingisreturned.

Andrightnow,Iwasreceivingnothinginreturn.

SAMThethoughtoflosingOtisweighedheavyonmyheart.Mydecisiontohaveanabortionhadbeenmade,and

Ifelttherewasnootherwaytoproceedlivinglifewithoutgoingthroughwithit.Doingitwithoutthesupportofsomeoneelse-asmuchashatedadmittingit-wasmoredifficultthanIwouldhaveeverexpected.

Isatwithmyheadinmyhandsandcried,knowing

Iwasgoingtogothroughthepain,feelingsofemptiness,andsecondguessingthedecisionentirelyfortherestofmylife.

Alone.

BeingwithOtisagainprovidedmewiththegreatestgiftIcouldhaveeverexpected.Lovinghim,and

notwonderingifIwasbeinglovedinreturn–butknowing–elevatedmeontoaplatformIhadneverhadthepreviousluxuryofbeingupon.FromthereIfeltasifIlookeddownupontheotherwomenintheworld,knowingtheywouldneverhavewhatIwassofortunatetopossess.

Amanwhonaturallyandwithoutanyeffort–lovedtheminreturn–forthelovetheyprovidedhim.

Iwipedmyeyesandgazedoutthewindowwithunfocusedeyes.AsmysideontheconsoleofthecarsattheonlyotheroptionIfeltIhad.

Abutcherknife.

InthefourdayssinceIfoundoutIwaspregnantsomethinginmechanged.AsmuchasIwantedtoremainwithOtisfortherestofmylife,thethoughtofhavingthebabythatwasgrowinginsideofmeeliminatedwhatwasbecomingmoreandmore

difficulttoacceptasbeingtherightchoice.IfIwantedtostaywithOtis,Iknewitwastheonlychoice,butitdidn’tnecessarilymakeittherightchoice.

Committingsuicideinitiallyseemedtobeafar-fetchedanswertoadesperatecryforhelp.Astimepassed

andthepainworsened,Ifeltitwasalittlemoreviableofanoption.IfIcoulddevelopthecouragetodoso,itwouldallowmetoleavethisworldwithmybaby,withOtisstilllovingme,andmewithoutadoubtcontinuingtolovehim.

Iwonderedwhentheyfoundmewhattheywould

think.IfAveryandSydney,afteritwasallover,wouldtellOtiswhathadhappened,oriftheywouldrefrainfromtellinghim,causinghimtowonderifitwassomethinghedid,said,ordidn’tdoorsay.Causinghimpainwasn’tanythingIwantedtodo,butthepainIwasfeelingwasn’t

anythingIcouldcontinuetolivewith.

Notformuchlonger.

Iclosedmyeyesandclutchedmychest.Thepainwasalmostunbearable.

ContinuingtolivewiththelevelofpainIwasfeelingwouldbeimpossible.Ineededtodosomething,and

Ineededtodoitfast.Thepainwassmotheringme.

IclosedmyeyesandwishedOtiswasholdingmeinhisarms.Tofeelhisarmsaroundmeagainwouldsoothethepain,andmakeeverythingbetter.Iswallowedheavily,pressedmyclenchedfistsagainstmy

chest,andclutchedmypurse.Afterafewminutesofrockingbackandforthintheseat,nothingchanged.

Iopenedmyeyes,glancedoutthewindow,shiftedmyeyestotheconsole,andturnedtowardthewindowagain.Thepaincontinuedtoworsen.

Iglancedattheconsoleandclosedmyeyes.ForalongmomentIallowedmyselftodriftofftoalandwhereOtisandIranthroughafieldofflowers,holdingourchild’shandsinours,laughingandlovingeachotherastheflowersbeatagainstourwrists.

Iinhaledashallowbreaththroughmynose.Theunmistakablescentoflilacfilledmynostrils.

Iopenedmyeyesandgazedattheknife.

Mydecisionwasmade.

OTIS“Itcouldbealotofthings,brother.Don’tjumptoconclusions.YouknowwhatIsayaboutthewordassume

don’tyou?Makesanassofyouandme,”Axtonsaidasheturnedtowardthekitchen.

“When’sshegoingtobehere?”IhuffedasIglancedatmywatch.

“HerandToad’sOl’Ladyareontheirwaybacknow.Thereprobablyatthatlittlestretchofhighway

betweenWichitaandherewherethere’snoservice.She’llbehereinabit.Wantoneofherbeers?”heaskedasheopenedtherefrigerator.

“Sure,”IsighedasIsatdown.

“GoodnewsaboutGunnerthough,”Axtonsaidashehandedmeabottleof

Red’sAppleAle.

Igazedatthebottleandshookmyhead,“Yeah.Hardtobelievehe’sgoingtospendthirteenmonthsinthejoint.Goodfortheclubthough.”

“What’shardtobelieveisthatithappenedsofast,”Axtonsaidashesat

downacrossfromme.

Itookadrinkofthebeer,wincedfromthetaste,andstareddownatthebottle.AsIlookedup,IbegantoexplainwhatGunnerhadtoldme.

“Hesaidherefusedtotestify,andtheyhadaspecialhearingwithamagistrate.In

thehearinghesaidhe’dmisplacedafewcrucialreports.Hedidn’ttellthemtheywerecrucial,buthesaidtheywouldimplicateusinafewthings.Anyway,afterthemissingreportsandhisstatementofnowrongdoingsonourpartwhileunderoath,theyaskedhimtoreconsider

andgavehimafewdaystochangehisstory.Hewentbackinforthesecondhearing,”Ipausedandtookanotherdrinkofthesweetale.

“Andafterhesaidthesamething,theythreatenedhimwithobstructionofjusticeandtamperingwith

evidence.Hewaivedhisrighttoajurytrial,pleadguilty,andtheysentencedhimthenextdayatwhathecalledabenchtrialasanexampletootherATFagents.Hesaidhe’sgottosurrendertoUSMarshalsinabout30days.”

“Andyousayheshowedyouallofthisonthe

computer?”Axtonshrugged.

Inoddedmyhead,“OntheUSAttorney’sofficialwebsite.Theylistallcrimesandsentencingthereasadeterrent.Yeah,it’srightthere.Losthisjob,pension,everything…”

“Iguesseverybodyhasajobtodo,justwishhis

jobdidn’tincludefuckingwithus,”Axtonsaidasheliftedthebottleofwatertohismouth.

Ifeltnervousandsick.IthadbeentwodayssincewehadspokenandfourdayssinceI’dseenher.Nomatterwhatwasbehindthis,nothinggoodcouldcomeof

it.NodifferentlythananyotherSinner,IrefusedtotalktoanyoneaboutmyproblemsotherthanAxton.AdmittingtotheothermenthatIhadaproblemorthatIwasinpain,especiallyasaresultofawoman,wouldmakemeappearweakandincapable.

Idranktheremaining

beerandpushedthebottlebetweenmythighs.GoingtoAxton’shousewasn’tsomethingInormallydid,andforwhateverreason,Ihadalwaysperceivedhishomeasbeingofflimits.Tohim,itwasasacredplace,andIrealizedthatabouthim.Ourdiscussionsgenerallywenton

intheshoporofficeattheclubhouse,orsomeotherremotelocation.Sittinginhischairandtalkingtohimwasanotherreminderofthefactthatmylifewasinshambles.IfeltlikeIwasatafuneralofanuncleIdidn’tknow,andinahouseIwasunfamiliaranduncomfortablewith.

“Yeah,”Isighed.asIstood.

“Whereyouwantthis?”IaskedasIheldthebottleatarms;length.

“Garage,”hesaidashepointedtothegaragedoor.

AsIopenedthedoortothegarage,theunmistakablesoundofacar

inthedrivewaycaughtmyattention.Itossedthebottleinthetrash,walkedtothekitchen,andgrabbedanotherbeerfromthefridge.Eagertotakemysearchtothenextstep,andhopingforamiracle,Iwalkedintothelivingroomandsatdown.

“Gotanotherbeer,”I

saidasIraisedthebottle.

Axtonshookhishead,“Takeasmanyasyouwant,brother.”

Averywalkedinthroughthefrontdoor,andalthoughshecouldclearlyseemybikeinthedriveway,didlittletodisguisehershockofseeingmeinthelivingroom.

ItwasobvioustomeeitherAxtonhadsaidsomethingtoheraboutmyconcerns–whichIseriouslydoubted–orsheknewsomethingaboutSam’disappearance.

AsIanxiouslywaitedforhertositdown,Axtonstoodandspoke.

“Otishassome

concernsaboutSam.Wanttocomeinandtalk?”heasked.

“Sure,Uhhm.Letmegetabeer,”sheresponded.

Aftergettingabeerfromthefridge,shecameinthelivingroomandsatcross-leggedonthefloorbesideAxton’schair.AftertakingafewsipsfrommybeerasI

studiedher,Iproceededwithcaution.

“WhenwasthelasttimeyoutalkedtoSam?”Iasked.

“Beenafewdays,Isuppose,”sheshrugged.

“Doyouremembertheexactday?”Iasked.

Shetookadrinkof

beer,gazingatmeoverthetopofthebottleasshedidso.Afterloweringthebottletoherlap,sheinhaled,exhaled,andtookanotherdrink.

“Daybeforeyesterday,”shesighed.

“Really?Whattimeofdaywasit?”Iasked.

Sheshruggedher

shoulders,“Idon’tknow.Eveningtime.Weallhadadrinkatthebar,herandSydandme.”

“Evening,huh?Yousureitwasthedaybeforeyesterday?”IaskedasItriedtopiecetogetheratimeline.

ItwouldhavebeenthedayafterItalkedtoSam

last,andifAvery’srecollectionwascorrect,thefactSamtalkedtoheraftertalkingtome-andhadnottalkedtomesince-botheredme.

Shestaredblanklybeyondmeforamoment,shiftedherfocustome,andresponded.

“Yeah,I’msure,”shesighed.

“Whatwasgoingon?”Iasked.

“Idon’tknow,”sheshrugged,“Wewerejusthavingadrink.”

Irolledmyeyes,feelingasifIwasJack’sattorneyattemptingtopry

informationfromtheATFagentincourt.Aftertakinghalfofthebottleofbeerinonegulp,Istoodandbeganpacingtheroom.

“Didshecallyouandwanttogettogether?”Iasked.

“Yeah,shedid,”sheresponded.

Iturnedaround,frustratedbythelackofinformationAverywasproviding.AsIstoodandglaredather,IrealizedIhadn’treallyexplainedthenatureofmyquestionaskingsession.Afterdrainingtheremainingbeerfromthebottle,Isighedand

continued.

“Look,Sam’smissing.NobodyknowshermorethanIdo,nobody,andthisisn’tlikeheratall.Youwerethelastonetotalktoher,andanythingyoucansaythat’llhelpme,I’dappreciate.What’dyouguystalkabout?”Iasked.

Sheuncrossedherlegsandstood.Stillholdingthebottleinherhand,shecrossedherarmsandstudiedme.

“Look,shetalkedaboutalotofthings.Ican’treallysay,”shesaidflatly.

“Whatdoyoumeanyoucan’tsay?She’smissing,

Avery.Missing.Ineedtofindher.Helpmeout,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.

“Look,”shesaidassheturnedtowardAxton.

Sheshiftedhereyestomeetmineandsighed,“Ifanyoneknowsandrespectsit,itshouldbeyoutwo.Sheaskedmenottosay,andI’m

notsaying.”

Axtonstoodfromhisseatandturnedtofaceher,placinghisarmonhershoulderashedid.

“Anythingyoucansaymighthelp,anythingatall,”hesaid.

Asshebegantospeak,hervoicefilledwith

emotionandbegantofalter,“AndIcan’tsayanything.It’snodifferent…nodifferentthaneitherofyounot…uhhm…notdiscussingclubbusinesswith…youknow…justanyone.You’reswornto…uhhm…secrecy.Well,respectthefact…thatIamtoo.”

“Avery,”Ibegantobeg.

Shewavedherarmsinfrontofherchest,sloshingbeerontothecarpetasshedidso,“No!Answerthis,Otis.DidyoutellanyoneaboutmeshootingthoseguysthatnightwegotrobbedinMexicantown?”

Ishookmyhead,clearlyseeingwhereshewasheaded,“Nope.”

“Alrightthen.Andyoudidn’tbecauseyou’resworntosecrecy.ItoldherIwouldn’t…”

Andshelosthercomposureandbegantocry.Astheliftedherhandtoher

faceandbegantowipethetears,sheturnedaway.Axtonreachedforhershoulderjustasshestompedherfoot.

“Godfuckingdamnyou,Otis,”sheshoutedasherfoothitthefloor.

“Godfuckindamnyou,”sherepeatedasheturnedaround.

Iclaspedmypalmstogetherasifpraying,“What?DidIdosomething?Comeon,Avery.”

Shecaughtherbreath,inhaled,andafterafewseconds,exhaledloudly.Asshenoddedherhead,myheartsankandthepitofmystomachfeltlikeastonehad

beendroppedintoit.

“Ican’ttellyouwheresheis,”shesaidassheexhaledagain.

“BecauseIdon’tknow.AndIuhhm…Ican’ttellyouwhatshesaid,”shepausedandhandedAxtonherbottleofbeer.

Assherubbedher

handsagainstthethighsofherjeans,shecontinued,“BecauseIsaidIwouldn’t.”

“Butifyouknowherlikeyousayyoudo,maybeyou’llfindher.Ifyouwereher,”shepausedandinhaledsharply.

“Andyouhadadecisiontomakethatno

womaneverwantstohavetofuckingmake,”shebegantocryagain,andcoveredherfaceasshedid.

Sheremovedherhandsfromherfaceandtalkedthroughthetearsandsobbing,“Andthatdecision,Otis,thatfuckingdecision…”

“It’sgottodo…it’s

gottodowithbothofyou.Andshe’s…she’sscared,Otis.She’sscaredyou’lluhhm…scaredyou’llleaveherifyoufindout,”sheblubbered.

Mymindracedinamilliondifferentdirections.Confusedandsickandtiredofthegames,lackof

information,andangrywiththefactAverywouldn’tsimplytellmewhatIneededtoknow,Isearchedmy,mindforanswerswhilesheattemptedtocatchherbreath.

“Becauseyoualready…”shecried.

“Leftheronceforit…”

AndIknew.

“Motherfucker!”IshoutedasIturnedandstompedtowardthedoor.

“Otis,”Axtonsighedloudlyfrombehindme.

AsIrodethroughtheyard,overthecurb,andintothestreet,IsawAxtonhoponhisbike.Itdidn’tmatter,he

hadnoideawhereIwasgoing,andtherewasnowayhecouldevercatchmetofindout.

OTISIpulledmybiketotheedgeoftheroadandstopped,knowingitwouldnevermakeitdownthehillandtowhereI

neededtogo.Therestofthetripwouldbeonfoot.Althoughitwasoutofmyview,IfeltcertainIwaswhereIneededtobe.

Isteppedovertheseatofthebike,reachedinmypocket,andgrabbedmykeys.AsIstuckthekeyintotheignitionandlockedthebike,

thebrasskeychainRipphadgivenmeinAustinhungfromthekeyring.

Hisfavoritesayinginscribedonthebrassdisc,thewordsweresomethingIhadalwaysfelt,buthadn’tcomposedintotheexactphrasehe’dsocarefullystampedintotothecharm.I

clencheditbetweenmythumbandforefingersandrubbedmythumbagainstthecenter.Afteraquickprayer,Ilookedatthewords,andhopedRipp’sphrasewasapplicabletodayofalldays.

IGotThis.BrotherRipp,Ihope

you’reright.

Iopenedmysaddlebag,pulledthebagfromtheinside,andplacedtheitemsinthetwosidepocketsofmycut.Afterinhalinganervousbreath,Isighed,turnedtowardthehill,andbeganjoggingdownthepathIhadspentsomanyweekendnightswalkingalongasa

teen.

WhenIreachedthecornerofthepaththatturnedandleddowntotheriver,Isawhercarparkedalongtheedgenarrowdirtdrive.Seeingitprovidedmehopeandfilledmewithworryatthesametime.Iglancedtowardthetree,andcouldsee

herslumpedatthebase.

Iinhaledachoppybreath,swallowedheavily,andexhaled.AsIjumpedovertheedgeandbeganrunningdownthehill,threewordscontinuedtorattlearoundinmyhead.

I.Got.This.

SAMIsatatthebaseofthetreewiththebutcherknifeinmyhand,prayingforthestrengthtomaketherightdecision.As

muchasIrealizedsuicidewasn’tthemostpracticaldecisionorthebestforeveryonewithasimilarcircumstance,Ifeltitwasmymostlogicalchoice.Afterhavingspentseveralhoursattemptingtodevelopthecouragetoproceed,Isatexhausted,clenchingthe

knife.

AstimepassedIbecameweary.Lackingsleepforseveraldays,IknewifIcouldstayawakealittlelongerImaynotdevelopthecourage,butIwouldbeabletoproceedfromlackofwilltocontinuetofightmyself.

AsIdriftedoffintoan

almostdreamlikestate,Iheardamotorcycleinthedistance.ThoughtsofOtisfilledmymind.Thesoundseemedtogrowcloserandcloser.CertainIwaslosingwhatlittlelogicIhadleft,Ismiledandglanceduptowardthetopofthehill.

Thesoundstopped.

Disappointed,IgazedatthetopofthehillasIclutchedtheknife.AfteraperiodoftimeIwasincapableofmeasuring,afigureappearedatthetopofthehill.Istared,feelingasifittrulywasadream,andthefigurewasanangel–theanswertomyproblems

hangingonherlips–suretocomeassoonasshereachedthebottomofthehill.

Iblinked.

Thefigurebegantocomedownthehill.Asitgrewcloser,IrealizeditwaseitherOtis,orIwaslosingmymind.Asthedistancenarrowed,Iknewitwaseither

OtisorIhadgonecompletelybatty.UsingwhatlittlestrengthIhadleft,Ireachedupandtossedtheknifeovermyshoulderandintothetallweedsbehindme.

“Sam,”hisvoicewassoftandsoothing.

Iblinkedmyeyesandsmiled.

“Sam,areyoualright?”heasked.

Inoddedmyheadandtriedtostand.AsIstood,myweaklegsshook,almostcausingmetofall.IrealizedashereachedouttosupportmeIhadbeensittingforhoursandmylegshadfallenasleep.

“Didyoutakesomething,Sam?Areyouonanything?”heasked.

Ishookmyhead,“Legsfellasleep.”

“What’sgoingon,Sam?Istheresomethingyouneedtotellme?”heasked.

Ishruggedmyshoulders,notknowingwhat

tosay.Ilovedhimmorethananything,andlosinghimwasmorethanIcouldbeartoimagine.

“Sam.Iloveyou.Whateveritis,nomatterwhatitis,youandIwillbefine.Youneedtoknowthat.Imeanit.Nomatterwhat,”heassuredmeasheheldmy

shouldersinhishands.

“But,”Isighed.

Iwantedtotellhim.Idesperatelywantedto,butIcouldn’tmusterthecourage.Afterstudyinghimforafewmoments,Ipulledaway,bentdown,andpickedupmypurse.Clutchingittightlyandholdingittomychest,I

glancedupandInoddedmyhead.

“Justsayit,Sam.Whateveritisthat’sgotyouworried,”hebreathed.

“I’mpregnant,”thewordsescapedmylipsbeforeIhadachancetostopthem.

Fearful,embarrassed,andwaitingforthewrathof

Godtocomedownuponme,Iclutchedmypurseandwaited.

“Yousure?”heasked.

Iheldmypursetomychestandnoddedmyhead.

“Good,”hesaid,“That’swhatIwashoping.”

Iglancedup,andashardasItried,couldn’tfight

backthetears.

“You’renot…mad?”Isobbed.

Heshookhisheadashereachedintothesidepocketsofhiscut,“Mad?NoSam,I’mnotmad.Iloveyou.”

Isighedandcontinuedtoclutchmypurse.

Asheduginhispockets,hecontinued,“I’mnotproudofit,butasaSinner,I’veplayedapart–afirst-handpart–inseeingmanylivesleavethisearth.DeathhasbecomeapartofwhoIam,Sam.TothinkIcouldsharesomethingasspecialasbringingalifeinto

thisearth,anddoingitwithyou?”

Hepulledtwopiecesofclothfromhiscut.Ashestraightenedthefabricandletithangfromhisfingers,itwasclearwhattheywere.Standinginfrontofme,holdingtworompers–oneblueandonepink–hebegan

tosoftlycry.

“Ididn’tknowwhatcolortoget,soIgotoneofeach,”heshrugged.

Ireleasedmygraspfrommypurse,reachedinside,andpulledthepregnancytestfrominside.AsIhelditupforhimtosee,hegrinned.

“ThisjustsaysI’mpregnant,itdoesn’tgiveasex,”IgrinnedasIbegantocryagain.

“Eitherway,aslongasyoutwoarebothhealthy,I’llbehappyasfuck,”hesaidasheturnedhisheadandwipedhistearsonhisshoulder.

“How’dyouknow?”Iblubbered.

“Ididn’t.Ijusthoped,”heresponded.

“Soyouwantthis?”Iasked,wantingasmuchconfirmationaspossible.

“Morethananything,”henodded.

“How’dyouknow

whereIwas?”

“ReallySam?Youlostyourvirginityatthistree.Damnedthing’sbeenhereasthebiggesttreeinthestateforoverahundredyears.Weusedtospendalotoftimehere.Thiswasoursacredtree.Meetmeatthebigtree.Howmanytimesdidyouhear

that?”heasked.

“Notnearenough,”IsobbedasIputthepregnancytestbackintomypurse.

Hedroppedtherompersbesidewherehestoodandopenedhisarms.And,asthehappiestwomanintheworld,Idroppedmypurse,embracedhiminahug,

andheldhiminmyarms.Aswestoodunderoursacredtreeandheldeachother,myheartfilledwithgratitudeforOtisandforeverythingwesharedasacouple.

IguesstheSinnersareright.

Thedevillooksafterhisown.

EPILOGUEThesmallroom,fittedwithtwochairs,onemedicalexaminationbed,andanAplio500ultrasound

machinehadthreeoccupants.Apregnantwoman,lyingontheexaminationbed,hadhergownliftedtothebottomofherswollenbreasts.Theman,seatedbesideherandholdingherhandinhis,staredanxiouslyatthedisplayscreen.

ThePhysician’s

Assistantmovedthewandcarefullyalongthewoman’sstomachasshegazedatthescreen.

“There’sthehead,”shesaidasshetouchedabuttononthekeyboard,takingastillphotooftheimage.

“Andthelegs.Hold

onaminuteandwe’llseeif…”shesaidasshemovedthewandupanddownslightly.

“Thiswillbecold,”shesaidasshesquirtedlubricantontothewoman’sstomach.

Afterrepositioningthewand,pressingitintothe

bottomofthewoman’sstomach,shegazedatthescreen.

“Ifyoudon’twanttoknowthesex,don’tlook,”shegrinned.

“Wedo,Mrs.Buckly,”thewomanrespondedassheglancedatthemanashenoddedhis

headeagerly.

“CallmeDebi,”shesaid.

“WedoDebi,”theysaidinunison.

“Well,seethis?”shesaidasshemotionedtothescreenwithherfreehand.

Themanandwomannoddedtheirheads.

“Hips,”Debisaid.

“Andthis,”shesighed,“Hispenis.”

“Boy?”themansaidasheshiftedhiseyesfromthescreentohiswife.

“He’sdefinitelyaboy.Notwowaysaboutit,”Debichuckledasshepressedthebuttontotakeanotherstill

imageofthescreen.

“Sam?”themansighedashewipedtearsfromhiseyes.

“We’rehavingalittleboy,”hesaid,“Ican’twaittotellmyparents.”

Hiswifenoddedherheadasshegazedatthreedimensionaldepictionofher

sononthescreen.

Downthehallway,ontheothersideoftheentrancetothesmallclinic,fourmenstoodanxiouslytalking.Dressedinjeans,boots,andleathervestsadornedwiththepatchofthemotorcycleclubtheyrepresented,theystoodoutinclearcontrastamongst

thewomeninthelobby.Afterafewmomentsthelargemanwithabeardturned,graspedthedoorhandle,andopenedthedoorslightly.

“Canwecomein?”heaskedthereceptionistseatedafifteenfeetawayattheadmissionsdesk.

Afteramomentwith

noresponsefromthereceptionist,heclearedhisthroatandrepeatedthequestion.

“Heyyou.Behindthedesk.Canwecomein?”heasked.

Sheshookherheadandforcedasmile,“I’msorry.Theultrasoundareais

reservedforthehusband,wife,andtheimmediatefamily,”sheexplained.

Heturnedtowardtheotherthreemen,“Familyonly.”

Thetallmuscularmanwitholivecoloredskinshruggedhisshoulders,“Wellopenthefuckingdoor,

Biscuit.We’reherbrothers.”

Thebeardedmanopenedthedoorenoughtofithisheadbetweenthedoorandtheframe.

“We’reherbrothers,”hewhispered.

Thereceptionistpeeredthroughtheopeningandshookherheadin

disbelief.Thethreemen,otherthansharingthesametasteinclothes,appearedtobefromfourdifferentregionsoftheworld.Asshestudiedthemen,thebeardedmanopenedthedooralittlemore,givingheranunobstructedviewofthemenstandingbehindhim.

Shetappedherpencilagainstthedeskasshestudiedthefourmen,“Brothers?”

“Andthenameofyoursister?”sheasked.

Thebeardedmanturnedaroundandconsultedwithhisfriendsforamoment.Afterashort

discussion,heturnedtowardthereceptionist.

“SteveandSamMilner,”heresponded.

Thereceptionistshookherhead,“Idon’tknow.We’reforcedtoadheretothepolicy.Familyonly.”

“Otis!”thebeardedmanscreamedintothevacant

corridor.

Afterafewsecondshescreamedagain,“Otis!”

Theman,stillseatedbesidehiswife,turnedhisheadawayfromthemonitor.

“Didyouhearsomeonescreammyname?”heasked.

Hiswifenoddedand

tiltedherheadtowardthedoor.

Themanstoodandopenedthedoorslightly,peeringthroughthecrackanddownthehallwayashedidso.

“Whatarewehavin’?”thebeardedmanscreamed.

“Boy,”themanwhisperedinresponse.

“What?”thebeardedmanshoutedagain.

“Boy!”themanrespondedinamoredistincttone.

“Afuckingboy?Didyousaywe’rehavin’aboy?”thebeardedmanhollered

excitedly.

“Yes,”themanwhisperedinresponsethroughtheopening.

Thebeardedmanturnedtofacetheotherthreemen.

“Payupmotherfuckers.We’vegotusaboy,”hegrinned.

Asthebeardedmanturnedtowardthedooronceagain,heopeneditentirelyandstoodintheopening.Thethreemenbehindhimeachreachedfortheirwallets.

“Weallwannaseehim.Galherewon’tletuscomedownthere.Tellherit’sokay,”heshouted.

Themanextendedhisraisedindexfingerandturnedtofacetheexamroom.

“Fellasaredownthere.Theywanttocomeinandseeourbabyboy,”hegrinnedtowardhiswife.

Debiturnedtofacethemanasshefurrowedherbrowslightly.

“I’msorry,wecanonlyallowfamily,”shesighed.

Thewomanglancedupfromtheexamtableandgazedatherleathervesthangingonthehookbesidethedoor.Ontheback,aSelectedSinnerspatchwithtworibbons,clearlystating

herdesignationwiththeclub.

PropertyofOtis.“They’remy

brothers,”thewomanstated.

“Howmany?”Debiasked.

“Here?Four,”thewomangrinnedinresponse.

Debinoddedherhead,“Havethemcomedown.I’ll

callthedesk.”

Themanpeeredthroughthedoorandwavedhisarmtowardthebeardedman,“Comeondown.”

Thebeardedmanswungthedooropenandwavedtowardthemenstandinganxiouslybehindhim,“Comeonfellas,uncle

Biscuit’shavinghimababyboy.”

Asthemenstormeddownthehallway,Debigazedoverhershouldertowardthepregnantwoman.

“Soyouhavefourbrothers?”Debiasked.

Thepregnantwomanglancedupatherleathervest

andshookherhead.

“No,”sheresponded.

“Ihavethirtythree.”