OPel gazette - Gdekalb co.opgdekalb.com/wp-content/uploads/OPG-Dekalb-Sep-19-2018...oranGe PeeL GaZ...

September 19, 2018 Your success. . . . . is our business! Volume 13, Issue 8

“T“THEHE HHOTTESTOTTEST LLITTLEITTLE PPaaPERPER IINN TTOWNOWN!”!”

FREEtAKE oNE

Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33, Cortland, IL 60112For advertising rates go to www.opgdekalb.com Contact Tim at [email protected] or 815-501-0705

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Why I Don't Play Golf A golfer is playing a round of golf

with his buddies. On the sixth hole, ahole over water, he proceeds to flubnine balls into the water. Frustratedover his poor golfing ability, he heaves his golfclubs into the water, and begins to walk off thecourse. Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps

back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking heis going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have

his clubs and begins to walk off the course. Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you

jump into the lake?" And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."

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Math Problem: A small town girl boards a train leaving South Detroitat midnight. If she doesn’t stop believin, how long isher Journey?

A Wrinkle in Time My husband and I both look very young for our

ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we firstlaid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that'swhat we tell each other. Our children have a way ofbringing us crashing back to earth. Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man

who was running for public office. "He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband. "What's that?" queried our young daughter. Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-

old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well,Honey, that means that the man fought in a war thathappened when Mommy and Daddy were little." Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a

moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"

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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionAdvertising starts At Just $24 per issue! contact Tim at [email protected]

Interesting Measurements1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter=Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash= 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking thepavement = 1 bananosecond5. weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = knotfurlong7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer= 1 Liteyear8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling9. half a large intestine = 1 semicolon10. 1,000,000 aches - 1 megahurtz11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straightline13. 2000 mochingbirds = two kilomockingbirds14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton15. 1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

The Stockbroker The phone rang in the stockbroker's office. "May I speak with Mr. Bradford?" "I'm sorry. Mr. Bradford is on another line." This is Mr. Ingram's office. We'd like to know if

he's bullish or bearish right now." "He's talking to his wife. Right now I'd say he's

sheepish."

Old Shotgun Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend

Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose ofit, she called her parents. "Take it to the police station," her mother sug-

gested. My friend was about to hang up when hermom added.... "And, Carol?" "Yes, mom?" "Call them first and let them know you're coming."

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Old Desk I took my family to a museum which included an

old one-room schoolhouse. In the classroom I pointedto a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle. Realizing that the kids had never seen anything like

that before I asked them, "What do you think this holewas for?" My twelve-year-old had a ready answer: "It's a

soda can holder."

Old Maserati I was living in the mountains above Denver when

my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancientMaserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio,and as he pulled into my driveway, the car brokedown. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search

of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 modelwas simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy justlaughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages

when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you'remy last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his

throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

Prison Sign? Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Fa-

cility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, NewYork: "The Dannemora Fire Department reminds youit's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

Political Liar? A politician was running for re-election and was

talking at a campaign stop to his constituents. "My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I

have never lied to you. The only problem I have is thatthe facts don't always match up with what I believe."

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10 /5 & 6-- Huge rummage sale at Kingston Friendship Cen-ter. Drop starting Sept. 30. Something for everyone, someunusual items and some things you just cant do without.Sm. washer for apt. or trailer, small furniture, bedding,clothes, microwaves, dishes and many other things to numer-ous to mention. 120 S. Main St. Kingston

9/29 Malta Garland Festival, 12-7pm Adams Streetwww.maltagarlandfest.com Celebrate Fall! Fun for all ages!

9/21 – 10/5 Kishwaukee Hospital Auxiliary Presents Bounti-ful Baskets and Bake Sale. A bountiful array of baskets to beraffled will be displayed in the Northwestern Medicine Kish-waukee Hospital lobby Sept. 24 to Oct. 5 from 9am – 5pm. Adelicious array of baked goods will be for sale Friday Oct. 5from 7:00am until 2:00pm. Proceeds benefit the KishwaukeeHospital Auxiliary Health-care Scholarships.

10/6 Pork Roast supper--Kingston U.M. Church. 5 and 6:15.Carryouts and gift certs. available. Adults $10.00. 815-784-2010.

Wine Connoisseur? When it comes to wine I'm very particular about

what I buy. There are two things I look for beforemaking my selection. First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on

the label. This is something upon which I insist. Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On

Sale." Follow these two rules and you won't go wrong.

Yard Sale I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked

"Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." Ilooked inside and was amused to see an electric canopener.

oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County edition“The hoTTesT LiTTLe PaPer in Town”

Overdue Books While working in the library at a university, I was

often shocked by the excuses students would use toget out of paying their fees for overdue books. Oneevening an older student returned two books that wereway overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2fee that I asked her to pay. I tried to explain how much she owed for each day,

but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't un-derstand," she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"

Pet Bills While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I over-

heard two women chatting about their dogs. "What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman. "Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered

the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had forher, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Plane Reservations Recently, I called to make reservations on a small

charter plane that departs from an equally small air-port. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane,

so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The planeis very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without

clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to

travel?"

Potential Juror As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I

was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions fromboth sides. The prosecutor asked had I ever been mugged? Did

I know the victim or the defendant? The defense attorney took a different approach. "I

see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?" "English and theater," I responded. "Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the de-

fense attorney quipped. "No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting." I was excused from the case.

The Old Hotel As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying

in a hotel in Salisbury, England. This hotel dated backto the 13th century. When I arrived, the hotel clerkgave me some bad news -- my room was in the newsection. Disappointed, I asked when the "new" sectionhad been built. "In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.

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Professional Animal Trainer As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed

when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every timeI hung my wash out on the clothesline, she wouldyank it down. Drastic action was called for. I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited.

Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After twoweeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out alarge wash and left to do some errands. When I came home, my clean clothes were scat-

tered all over the yard. On the line was the whitekitchen towel.

Proof of Citizenship Before I could start my first job right out of col-

lege I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citi-zen. I showed up with my driver's license and birthcertificate. The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied

down some information. She then picked up my birthcertificate and gave it a long look. "Is anything wrong?" I asked. "Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."

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Quality Assurance A toothpaste factory had a problem: they some-

times shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside.This was due to the way the production line was setup, and people with experience in designing produc-tion lines will tell you how difficult it is to have every-thing happen with timings so precise that every singleunit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.Small variations in the environment (which can't becontrolled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you musthave quality assurance checks smartly distributedacross the line so that customers all the way down tothe supermarket don't get mad and buy another brandinstead. Understanding how important that was, the CEO of

the toothpaste factory got the top people in the com-pany together and they decided to start a new project,in which they would hire an external engineering com-pany to solve their empty boxes problem, as their en-gineering department was already too stretched to takeon any extra effort. The project followed the usual process: budget and

project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected,and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fan-tastic solution on time, on budget, high quality andeveryone in the project had a great time. They solvedthe problem by using high-tech precision scales thatwould sound a bell and flash lights whenever a tooth-paste box would weigh less than it should. The linewould stop, and someone had to walk over and yankthe defective box out of it, pressing another buttonwhen done to re-start the line. A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the

ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxesever shipped out of the factory after the scales wereput in place. Very few customer complaints and theywere gaining market share. "That's some money wellspent!" he says, before looking closely at the other sta-tistics in the report. It turns out the number of defects picked up by the

scales was zero after three weeks of production use. Itshould've been picking up at least a dozen a day, somaybe there was something wrong with the report. Hefiled a bug against it, and after some investigation, theengineers come back saying the report was actuallycorrect. The scales really weren't picking up any de-fects, because all boxes that got to that point in theconveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and

walks up to the part of the line where the precisionscales were installed. A few feet before the scale, therewas a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out ofthe belt and into a bin. "Oh, that," says one of the workers. "One of the

guys put it there because he was tired of walking overevery time the bell rang."

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Quaint Little Inn When my wife and I went up to New England a

couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of thosequaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if wewanted a room with a shower or a tub. "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."

Razor Request Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his

hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After beingnicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, "Heybuddy, have you got an extra razor?" The barber replies, "Well, yes sir, I do. Would you

prefer shaving yourself?" Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I could

defend myself."

Salesman Visit One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm,

knocked, and Mrs. Jones came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I

have any difficulty finding him?" "Shouldn't have any problem ... He's the one with

the beard and mustache."

Sales Pitch An eager salesman was trying to have a country

storekeeper carry his product, and finally tried to bribethe fellow with a bottle of champagne. "Oh, my conscience wouldn't let me take such a

gift," the business owner protested. "What if I sell it to you for a dime?" asked the

salesman. "In that case," replied the man, "I'll take two."

Scrubbing Bulkheads I was scrubbing a bulkhead on the USS Kitty

Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker an-nounced: "Religious services. Maintain silence about the

decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work." An hour later, the opinion many of us held regard-

ing our daily routine, was confirmed with this an-nouncement: "Resume all unnecessary work."


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Proper Attire Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the Uni-

versity of Maine. To enforce that rule, the manage-ment posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wher-

ever they want." Pulled Over

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother inCalifornia, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansasfor exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have re-ceived a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him asmall bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What

have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you

were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

Quaint Shop England's West Country is known for its charming

cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friendpeered in through one window to see shelf upon shelfof interesting-looking books. So she went inside. A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and

asked, "Can I help you?" "No, just browsing," said my friend. "Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around

here most people knock before entering someone'shome."

CommonymsA Commonym is a group of three words or

phrases that share a common trait. For example: car - tree - elephant

They all have trunks!

1. bird - board - berry

2. basketball player - baby - soccer player

3. rock band - traffic - copy machine

4. pirate ship - mailbox - school

5. bomb - kiss - flower

6. waitress - iceberg - tongue

7. potato - storm - needle

8. steam - bird - bubble

9. brick - Swiss - blue

10. rubber - gum - cork

Answers on page 15 16

oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionadvertising starts at Just $24 per issue! contact Tim at [email protected]

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Seatmate Choice The plane was only half-full. When an attractive

young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free,my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleas-antly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could

trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look justlike my dad."

Slot Machines I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It

was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure howthe machines operated. "Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How

does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the

spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before say-

ing, "Usually at the ATM."

Traffic Circle Ditzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I

entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30' so Idrove 30 times around." The other one says sympathetically, "You probably

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Unclear on the Concept Voice mail was the man's sworn enemy. He never

really understood how it worked. Finally he brokedown and called the office operator to get instruc-tions. "I can send you an instruction sheet," the operator

offered. "Great, fax it right over." "Sure thing," the operator replied, "but fax it right

back. It's my only copy."

Very High Tide The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a

very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to usethe ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to thedock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in

her 70's appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn'troom for anyone to assist her, so she edged alongslowly and finally made it to the dock safely, toeveryone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to

the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay,Mother, you can come down now."

Water Leak A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila

when a water leak developed in the galley, whicheventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin ofthe 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware

of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it beenraining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied,

"Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to

sleep.

Waterproofing The telephone solicitor selling basement water-

proofing must have thought she'd died and gone toheaven when she got my very patient son on thephone. At the end of her very long sales pitch, she asked,

"Do you mind if we send someone out to give you anestimate?" "Not at all," my son said. "When would be a good time?" "As soon as I dig a basement," he replied.

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Buying Coins/JewelryHandyman w/ 30 years experience

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Belvidere Collectible Coins880 Belvidere Road - Belvidere, IL

(815) 547-7111(815) 547-7111Mon-Fri: 9:30am - 5:00pm

Sat: 10:00am - 4:00pm

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Edge-to-Edge Quilting on a Gammill Longarm. Binding servicesavailable. Will also make quilts

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You Saw Them In the Orange Peel Gazette!


The Wedding Dress When my sister got married, she asked to wear our

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for thefirst time, I was sitting with Mother in the living roomas Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfectfit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm

around her. "Don't cry, remember you're not losing adaughter, you're gaining a son." "That's not why I'm crying. I used to fit into that

dress!"

Weighing In Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would

complain to me about the long delay she always en-dured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called,

she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get yourweight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied,

"One hour and 45 minutes!"

Where? A torrential rainstorm was knocking down power

lines all over town. That meant, as a customer servicerep for the electric company, I was dispatching repair-men right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her

exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming

to you in a truck, not an envelope.

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SWIMMING POOLS

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Where's the Paper? "Have you seen this morning's paper?" "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it." "But I hadn't seen it yet!" "You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds

and a few orange peels."

Workaholic As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I

have many colleagues who work long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partners'

workaholic ways even extended beyond the office. Henot only had to leave work early one day because of amedical problem, but was also told by his doctor tostay home until the end of the week. My colleague grudgingly agreed to comply. In the

middle of the week, our receptionist received a call forhim. She announced that the partner was out of the office

until Friday. "Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to

know." It was my partner's doctor.

Coupon must be presented at time of purchase. Cannot be combined wi/any other offers. Restrictions may apply.

Expires 8/31/18


Expires 8/31/18


Expires 8/31/18

Coupon must be presented at time of purchase. Cannot be combined wi/any other offers. One coupon per customer. Restrictions may apply. Expires 8/31/18

815-758-8484

Belvidere Collectible Coins

880 Belvidere Road • Belvidere, IL

(815) 547-7111

www.goldsilverjewelrycoin.comWe Pay Highest Prices For Gold, Silver, Platinum,

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Associate your business with heartwarming &

humorous content!www.opgdekalb.com

(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous storiesand jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any groupor individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange PeelGazette for products or services offered.)

Commonym Answers: 1. all can be de-scribed with “black” 2. they dribble 3. they jam 4. have flags 5. are planted 6. have tips 7. have eyes 8. are baths9. types of cheese 10. trees


Shades of Tanning Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning

salon. I was under the lights so long that the protec-tive goggles I wore left a big white circle around eacheye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I

thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was over-re-

acting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt atug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler star-ing up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

Speeding Ticket A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to

the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt onso as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it onbefore the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer

said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do youbelieve in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up

with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Street Name? "I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Rich-

mond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 oper-ator. "There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in

Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you havea street name?" The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh,

some people call me Bubba."

opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants to Be a Zillionaire?

$696,000 Question...Which company is owned by Bill Gates?A) HP B) MicrosoftC) IBM D) Cisco $697,000 Question...What would you do with a maris piper?A) Fly it - a plane B) Eat it - a potatoC) Write - a pen D) Talk - a phone$698,000 Question...What kind of animal is a lurcher?A) Dog B) CatC) Horse D) Snake$699,000 Question...In fable who sold a cow for five beans?A) Jack B) JillC) Herman D) Bill$700,000 Question...Alfred Nobel made his fortune by inventing some-thing. What did he invent? A) Razors B) EncyclopediaC) Dynamite D) Eyeglasses$701,000 Question...Munroes are mountains in what country?A) France B) EnglandC) Scotland D) India

$702,000 Question...What does an alopecia sufferer lack?A) Confidence B) HearingC) Clothing D) Hair$703,000 Question...Triskadeccaphobia is the fear of what?A) Clowns B) SnakesC) Spiders D) the number 13

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $696 - B; $697 - B; $698 - A; $699 - A; $700 - C; $701 - C; $702 - D; $703 - D.

THE GENER

AL

KNOWLEDGE

QUIZ 8


Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and

pestered his parents for days. Finally his mothertalked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they re-

turned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?"

asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little

Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the ani-mals came home at 30 to 1!"

Screenwriter A screenwriter comes home to a burned down

house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is stand-ing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was

cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. BecauseI was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove hadcaught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything isgone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. PoorFluffy is gone........" "Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My

agent called?"

Sea Monsters Two sea monsters were swimming around in the

ocean, looking for something to do. They came upunderneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob,the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship,tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship,

again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the shipand eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling pota-

toes and Bob once again capsized it and ate every-thing. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you

keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes andeating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help

myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eatjust one potato ship."

2nd Grade Math I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade

math class that was learning about groups. In one ex-ercise, pupils were asked to label a group of itemsaccording to their common characteristics. Picturedwere onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ringcookies. The correct answer would have been that allthe items have holes in the center. But one health-conscious boy's response was,

"All of those things contain too much cholesterol." zacks

213 Grove St, DeKalb, IL - wwwZacksJewelryandCoins.com

We Buy Gold, Jewelry & Coins!We Pay CA$H! We Pay More!

815-739-5555

NEED CA$H?

Solution in the next issue!

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