oh the repetition!

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THIS IS NOT POETRY, PROSE, LYRICS, THESE ARE WORDS THAT FELL OUT AND PRETENTIOUS BOLLOCKS OH THE ANGER AND DESPERATION AMUSES ME NOW YOU MUST FORGIVE THE GRAMMAR, THE SPELLING , THE CLICHES AND THE FACT I WAS MOSTLY STONED

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Transcript of oh the repetition!

Page 1: oh the repetition!

THIS IS NOT POETRY, PROSE, LYRICS, THESE ARE WORDS THAT FELL OUT AND PRETENTIOUS BOLLOCKS

OH THE ANGER AND DESPERATION AMUSES ME NOW

YOU MUST FORGIVE THE GRAMMAR, THE SPELLING , THE CLICHES AND THE FACT I WAS MOSTLY STONED

Page 2: oh the repetition!

MF Tells a Story (26.2.11)

Motherfucker what did you say to me?

I told you to come here but you went away

I push and I push and I push you so far

And you scream and you cry and you take it so bad

I know me and I know you

I know what I want and I know what I can do

And I laugh now LOUD that I don’t know what’s there

In my face everyday

I am loving the fantasy

I am trapped in its grip

And you snapped me out of it

With a fail safe kick

And I laugh and I laugh

And I think you are mad

And I hide the shame

In my bottle

And I close my eyes

And the tears really came

Who’d though that I’d do that again?

Hey motherfucker

Won’t you take a risk?

Won’t you do it again?

Won’t you see someone who

Can tell you about it again

Do you need help? Do you need a friend?

Do you think I care? Do you think I pretend?

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Impulsive (26.2.11)

I’m not sure who said what

Memory tricks me when I let it

Perhaps I didn’t see it coming

Unless it was already there

‘Listen’ she said

She said ‘you’re like a child’

I’ve got no retort for that

Vaguely I will try to stop

Except I can’t

Where do you live now? (26.2.11)

This is the closest I have come to writing about you

Since you were gone

From me

And yet

I won’t say more that that

You are gone from me

And I’m not ready yet

To let it out

To think about

To contemplate

To write it all

This is addressed to you

But that’s all

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A N E V I L T E N

Back in the room

Is this my new home?

Is there where I dream and where I can hope?

And I told you a lie

I protected myself

I said that I don’t but the truth is I do

I’ll get too close and I’ll get too low and I guess the words will get

out of control

If I was selfless... you know I would

If I was smart, of course….

All the friends I have ever known

Know that I fall in love

All my friends know I know

I’m scared of being too near to the ground

All the while I say to myself

It's better than being alone

If I was scared... I would, I would

If I was aching, of course…

And if I was...

Back in the room

With my thoughts again

Are you there?

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I can’t tell anymore

And I told you I don’t

But I do I do

I feel and I hurt and I breathe and I stare

All the loves I have ever loved

Know that I dream

Too much

All my lives I’ve had before

Tell me I’m scared of myself

If I was broken... I think that I would

If I was stolen, of course…

CAKE

The icing on the cakeA weekend breakA slap in the faceThat stings for hoursThe kind I like To take out at nightBacked in the cornerI know how to beginA bittersweet cocktailA kind note in the mailMakes me think of youBut then I rememberDream the keen dreamsUntil you wakeSweatingRegrettingAnd for a second forgettingUntil I see your beamUnmistakableSelf assuredLike I should fall for that

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AgainYou'd bet on itBut this timeI'm smarter than I lookYou're cleverBut not that goodI've lost my appetiteThe precious sweet toothI don't like icing anymore.

(9/1/00)

AND SO IT GOES

The false Spanish saviourIs everything I make herCan exist only in mindWhen Northern accentsLeave me tongue tiedAnd painful sighsKnock me sidewaysI learn to laughAt these reoccurring lessonsI'll make no mistakeAnd take in the scenery.

(23/8/99)

BALANCING ACT

Your soothing silence melts meDeceiving those with yourHappy tonesLaughing at love songsSecretly achingYour stubborn refusal chills me

I'll keep it all togetherJust this onceI know I've said it beforeBut now I have to again.

Live a little won't youSmile for me can't you

He's swimming in his

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Self appointed miseryShe's dwelling in herGlamorised povertyThey're playing with theirForced ambition.

I'll keep it all togetherJust this onceI know I've said it beforeBut now I have to again.

(27/2/00)

MAGAZINES

She crossed her legsAnd I drew a breathI nearly fell apart.

I read magazinesI watch bad TVI save the letters you wroteI can hear your voice late at nightIt keeps me from my ownI listen to how others speakI keep a diary in the weekI know how much is in my pocketI keep a feather in my locket.

She tapped me on the shoulderI melted into my chairAnd I couldn't help but smile.

I read magazinesI know the real worldI know what's out there for meI know boys and girlsSome I've met beforeSome call me a boreSome creep back in my sleep.

She laughed out loudAt someone else's jokeI quietly laughed as well.

She crossed her legs

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And I went redI knew my place that day.

(29/2/00)

SOBER SARAH

Night of the Sober SarahSitting in her sober cornerEating treacle biscuitsSipping on a sparkling soda.

What will become of Sarah?If she remains so sober?Will she regain her faculties?Or will she just grow older?

(29/2/00)

SAND DREAMS

She always faces the seaWon't turn aroundTo look at meQuietly whisperingHer enchanting storiesOf other worldsHer secret gloryTiptoes amongstShells and rocksDoesn't make a soundNever stopsIn time with the wavesSoaking up the sprayA wry smile on her faceInto the dunesAmongst stray grass, untouchedSits, always out to seaWhy won't you look at me?She'll never look at meAnd where the waterMerges with the skyAnd this land seems too bright

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Her lashes flicker with delightI'll join her thereWe'll stare tonight.

(30/4/00)

NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LIKE VOLCANOES

Couldn't cry at 'It's a Wonderful Life'Or smile and dance at the same timeThis is nothingNothing Depends on you

Sitting here amongst grass cuttingsBy the river, drinkingSparkling waterI hate grass cuttingsI have hayfever butI love the riverI love water

You know all thatAlready?You know it all?You know it all!

She asked what I could do for herWill I be the one to make her purr?Well I had to shrugFeign bemusementShe doesn't know me and I'm not revealing My shining armour

Touch, but don't lookSpeak, but won't hearI have nothing to offer While I am factsWhile I am fictionWhile I am fascinating contradictionsWhile I am behind these barsFor you to studyFor you to learnThis is all for youThis masquerade

(9/5/00)

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PARACETAMOL (no exact date – but probably 1999)

I've let myself goThis is my styWhere the blood poundsThrough my earsDrips through my nose.

Never felt so unhealthyWasting daysNothing being doneJust crap TV and hungerMy stomach has shrunk.

I'm not depressedOnly becoming unsoundEarly hours of the morningSpent cursing the noisesAnd I feel the threat

Of the panic

Attacks

I attempt an old trickOf blocking it outPushing random thoughtsTo the side of my brainBut again and again

My headCavesWith the pressureAnd I reach

For the paracetamol.

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MINOGUE MORNING (1999)

Sat in bedWoken by KylieThey make their presence feltAnd boy, do I feel it

Graze on the headThe curse of the Hobbit?It's no surprising really

Don't worry too muchFucking lazy Fucking lazySo don't worry too much'Cos you're running out of time

Sometimes I wishI didn't like you at allThe stranger things getThe exhaustion increases

Wearied bones and blank facesThe curse of the house?It's not difficult really

I'm not just blaming myselfFor the sake of itTrying hard to be objectiveI'm not willing to take it allYou're not putting a curse on me.

THE DARKER DAY (1999)

So that's itSo that's what happens whenThe flood gates openIt seems freshEven when the salt crystalizesAnd I almost enjoy itStaring at the red, sore andShimmeringAnd I've no idea whySo it should be funnyThat the more I cut

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Myself OffThe more they can't be botheredSo reachOut To MeI've spent all day in isolationI'm aching and shiveringAnd keeping things plainSo I knowIt's SundayBecause it always isDesperately aloneVery poor companyWatching the sun shineEven at this timeIt looks beautifulOut thereBut where would I go?Best stay inDeja-vuWhere are you?And where did I goSo wrong?As the dark creepsLike a black silk scarfThat threatened to strangleAnd squeeze the lifeOut Of meOut of the depthsOf salty sufferingOut of the pathOf the oncoming panicAnd acidic tasteBurning meBut forcing outA chuckleRather reluctantly.

I've spent all day in isolationI'm aching and shivering

You're waitingYou're not here and I amWaitingSo when relief comesAll we can do is stare.

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VODKA EYES (1998/9)

Oh those vodka eyesThose self pitying sighsGo on and closeThose vodka eyesKiss me goodnightWith that mouthful of liesI'll dream my vodka dreamsI'll scheme my vodka schemes.

CLOSE (1998/9)

If we're getting too closeYou only have to get a gunAnd we'll say no more about itSo we'll never say a wordBecause these four wallsBear a burdenTrying to absorb the untruthsThey'd like it as much as I wouldTo have me put in my placeTold what to doWhy won't you tell me what to do?To save me from thinkingEating myself upFrom one day to the nextWith a rest on a FridayWhen we raise a glassWith hearty cheap laughsExchange points of viewRepetitive, uninventiveMaybe we'll changeWell maybe we won'tBut we can't smile any more'cos they know my every moveEvery gasp I takeEvery seed that’s sewnWatched over and overUntil I begin to get too close.

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LARGER THAN LIFE (1998)

The banister crackedNothing to break my fallCarpet burned faceDust covered, bruisedHead spinningHead spinningI see you grinningAt me from aboveAnd today you seemLarger than life.

I would do anythingTo have you surrenderAnd feed my power tripAs the tension short circuits.

You woke me up todayA day like any other dayExcept I couldn't breatheBecause you won't stop laughingLaughing at meLaughing at meAnd what I'll always beWhich is useless to youAs like everyday, you seemLarger than life.

LEAVE ME ALONE (1998)

What can I be today?Who can I try and hate?What is there left to say?

You don't give a shit, just say you do to feel good.

You don't push me to talkTalk, talk, talk, talk, talkYou know you'd get boredYou don't have a fucking clue

As we move further apartI create complicationsHating other people’s funTwisted, bitter and sicker

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Your presence dehydrates meSo I wallow with you in mind

That can't be rightEXORCISEYou from withinThe sub of the subcultureThe patheticThe hopefulUn-energetic dreamerQuiet?Boring?Unoriginal and alone.

PERSON (1998)

Misery doesn't consume meLike perhaps it ought

Doesn't she know how to smile?Can't she ever be happy?

Frustrated and powerlessA million feelings trapped in here for youThere's no possible reasonWhy you should appearWhen I close my eyesAnd wish you through that door

In cloud cuckoo landThe beer is pretty cheapBut I'm scared of heightsSo I won't be coming down

Reality and I are not the best of friendsI prefer a decent riddleSimple avoidance of the truthWithdrawing to the shell

I appreciate everythingBut am not at all gratefulFor the fact thatPeople know my name at least

There she goes

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And there she goes againIt's her remember?Nah!Well, she's the one that-Oh I dunnoBut it's her anywayOh yeahThere she goesAnd I doEyes firmly shut.

MOVE (1998/9)

ManipulationPenetrationMake myself unpopular You've scared me half to death

Dirty days spentIn dusty roomsMites in the carpet Out of my tree

Raining and rainingNeed to go outNo visitors for me In this smoky cave

Can't motivate myselfTo move from thisFoetal position Puts a chink in my spine

Wait for the phoneWith its silent ringDon't ever wake me Don't come here again.

EMPTY HEAD (1999)

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A small person stands aloneIn blue fieldsWhich way to go?Waiting, waiting, endless waitingWhere will you take me to next?The world is a very big placeSomeone once told me-It's a mess, that's all there is to itI've nothing to say, nowhere to goWhen the words run outIn the empty space.

I'll follow you up the stairsAnd back down.Luscious green, it's dew glistened sheenThrow me away into the useless airFloating away on a paper planeMake me happy again with your poisonous pen.

I saw a speck of dustMagnified a thousand timesThis is youA piece of that blueIn the maze of crap and words.

Crush me, soI can't breatheCan't sleepBroken, I want to hear your voiceTo remind myselfThat I'm alive.

Recycle the paperWe can live againWhen the ink runs dry, refill the penWhen the words stop flowingI'm the empty head.

AVERAGE (1998)

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Hands are shaking nowDry martini got me weirdWhat are you doing on your own?Falling asleep sipping water.

Need to see myself in the mirrorRemind myself why I'm hereScared of recognitionHow did I get to be so average?

My blood is running clearLike I'm crying from head to toeShall we call up a stranger?Can I make you miss me?

My friend was on the telephoneAnd I wanted to speakMy voice ran out on me todayLeft me for another mouth.

One lump or two?Another day will go pretty soonI'm not clever or stupidBut I can walk to the shops and back.

I think you could break my heartIf you put your mind to itMid winter, mid summer, happy glimmerAt the bus stop in my room.

PET (1998)

Screaming insideBleeding insideBlood curdling yellsFrom the bowels of hell.Throw me some ropeCut me some slackPull me outOr put a lid on it.Waiting for the snapOf my spineWhen you say my name.Haunted by the figure

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Of an ex-lover.Lock the doorKeep the noise downKeep my ear to the ground.What are you doing now?I have three guessesBut I know, I knowFeel sick deep downIn the pit of my stomachNauseaAt the thought of youAnd him.Pull me outOr put a lid on it.Knock me outWith your beaming smileKick me harderWith your poisonous tongueBurn meBurn meFucking get out the matchesStrikeOne by oneWe'll all fall downDrag me aroundI'm on the leadYou tie me upWhen you go to the shopsLeave me in the carWhen you go to fuck himTake me for a walkWhen you’re bored with everything else.

NIGHTMARES (probably 1997)

In the darkWhen the shadows flicker and fadeA cold shiverA bead of perspirationEyes closedFists clenched.

A glimmerA sudden flash of lightThat growsAs pupils shrink.

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There it is nowAn open doorA ball of whiteBut movement never comesThe mind no longer permits itParalysisHeatAnd icy cold fears

Close the door.

INEVITABLE (probably 1997)

Easy to hide behind a smileThe sky bends my backA crooked shape remains.

Just to have you whisper in my earWould it make it all complete?

I don't think you appreciateThe lengths I would go toBut I know it's hard to get alongWhen we've nothing left to say.

I know I can't make up my mindConversations brewed from frustrationSituations born from a vacuumWe're all ready to explode,

Let me know when you want to go.

LONELY GARDEN DOES ALL THE TALKING (summer holidays 1998 I think)

Uneven grassLittle black oval eyesSun in and outNever quite brightI shiver with fearNot daylight or darkNot delight at the blue skyI'm waiting for nothingBecause I have too much to do.

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I want to beGloriously in loveBut however hard I tryI find no such feelingNot an inch or a glimpseAbout anyone.

A feelingA hunchThat a spider was on my neckThe pill boxChuckles, rattlesOn my leftNever the right

In the distanceA pelicanCrossingAnother personMust be living.

DOWNFALL (probably 1997/8)

Correct meProject meScratch my eyes outSink your teeth inI want to suffer In your armsI want to feelThat scream.

Push meCatch mePull me to the floorTelepathic, make believeI want you toPull the plug.

I'll do nothing for youYou won't smile at me againI'll bleed behind these eyesI'll give to the count of ten.

Turn meSpin meHang me out to dry

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I'll fit into your tin boxYou pass me liquids Through the lock.

Please don't hurt meAny moreShould I have to askFor it to stop?I'm still hurtingIn agonyYou can pass the plasterYou can wind the bandageTighter.

LULLABY (1998)

Frank singsEasing the painMomentarilyWe feelThat nothing will get in our way.

Now I seeAll the signs point to meWith the rising of the sunIt dawnsThat with every hourWasted thinkingTwists the knife in deeper.With the setting of the sunI picture you in perfect slumberNot a care in the worldNot a care for meNo knowledge of anguishAs your breathing deepensIn perfect harmonyYou drift to the sound of Frank.

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WITH SOME REGARD

A notion of continued existenceOperating to some extentIn their true coloursImpressions or perceptionsPresent to the sensesWe suppose too muchDistinct from the mindDoes not consist in any matter of factVice and virtueComparedSound, coloursRunning hot and coldTruth and falsehoodAs I reason with youBut you're not capableOf such abstract moralityInfluencesConsiderationsActions and affectionsCarved into this identityWhich remainsAs alien as everAnd memory serves meWhen I reward itWith experienceIndulging in painGuiltNegativesSeeping from every poreAs words form a useful allyI turn my backOn what you claim to be real But I feel no foundationI taste no directionToo dangerouslySelf awareI fear I'll catch myselfWhen I turn too quicklyThe necessary connectionIs madeSigned and sealedBy these simple ideasOf walking and talkingAnd taking in airDragging my feet

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As us cynics doApparentlyI seek to reverseBut there's no going backThe scepticism BecomingTotal

(27/7/99)

FUCHSIAS

I killed the fuchsiasBecause my memory failsA simple request deniedBy my lust for retreatInto my smoke filled mindAnd now I can't findThe watering can.

(26/8/99)

OWEN

Today we learnt your nameWhen you granted permissionTo let us reach outCharcoal against pinkish skinA furry delight far from homeThat brought a momentaryRelease from monotony.Wary of playful handsA warning stretchAnd careful movementsUntil time and boredomTook its toll and youContinued in your adventure.

(26/8/99)

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FLOODS

Don't have a hopeBut you learn to copeCan't remember how toStop playing the gameCan't find pauseCan't stand all the noiseKeeps me awakeWhen I'm being ignored.

Remind meRemind me how I fell in the ditchRemind meWas it me or her, the bitchCome find meTry and guess how many days leftRed in the faceBubble will burstAs it all floods back to you.

Don't have a smileCan't see the signsCan only concentrate on one thing at a time.Stop trying to choke meWith your advice and ideasDirections and careersWhen I can't even stay awake

Remind meRemind me how I fit in this againRemind meWas it I who failed a friendCome find meTry to guess my way out of this messRed in the faceBubble will burstAs it all floods back to you.

(27/9/99)

TOO FAR

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When you bring me home All I can do is lieAnd I wonder whyI let it get that far.

The angel leftMe todayShe packed her thingsFlew awayShe was camouflagedLuminous blue on blueAnd I wonder whyI took the timeI let it go too far.

When you bring me homeAll I can do is lieThe blue angelBegged me to let her flySo I turned my backAs she began to packAnd I knewIt'd gone too far.

When you bring me homeAll I can do is lieIs that what you expect these days?I can see through sympathyI can feel those eyes on meAll I can do is lieAnd you never even ask me why'Cos you know it's gone too far.

The angel leftMe todayUpped and flew right awayWithout a wordInto the blueEven she knewWe all doThat this has gone too far.

(14/1/00)

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RUNNER UP

Running awayCarried awayTrippin' over my own feetCarried awayThoughts of youImaginary futureWhat will becomeOf thisAnd my false starts?DisqualifiedWell Who could love youAnyway?Optimism is deadlyDestructiveUnhealthySquint at blatantMistakesDid I plunge head first?Did you push?Can't pin the blame yetBut the day will comeI can see into the futureSeeAnd follow I doI keep onWith what I knowAnd what I hopeA turn of eventsOr a nail in the coffinThe final strawWiping the slate clean'Til good faithSeeps awayAnd all that remainsIs the shell of weeks agoBefore I tried to let you inBefore I realisedYou weren't inBut too late now"You got me"The batonHand over time

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You're in the clearI lagBreathless.

(15/12/99)

THE MOMENT

Intensity measuredBy the longingFractured recollectionsOf one nightWhich clarifiedMy perception As I fought off doubtsConcentrating As it dawnsA role reversalMaturity in anotherMismatchSame situationDifferent sense of selfAnd I'm the one more eagerI'm the one Under the thumbDesperate for The momentTo be squeezed and stretchedBeyond recognitionTake awayThe momentAnd reproduce itA thousand timesNot fractions and fragmentsBut epic journeysWith hands in pocketsStomachsDry kissesAnd eye contactWhich is asFresh as everAnd mystifyingThis alien predicamentUncompromisingDissatisfying still revitalising

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And falseAs we both knowThat you need thisMore than meButI want thisMore than youAnd fucking on a Cold Saturday morningQuick and desperateIs not enoughAnd not as it used to be.

(20/12/99)

MAKE MY DAY

For the momentI'm not afraidBut you can't sayAnythingThat'll make my daySay anythingTo me thoughAnywayLet my mind wander.

Here and nowI'm no one newBut I could beAny oneTo you, To youI'm just anotherIn an endless line.

So, let meWanderBy myselfLet me roamWithout you in toeWithout your voiceIts restless echoKeeping track of me.

So let me

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WanderFurther than I can seeA speck in the distanceNo otherNo companyIf you expectMe to findA way.

(3/8/99)

Into the…

He haunted me With his melodyA sad tuneOnly for the dark.

He told meThis one is for youAnd this is for the Dark.

Under the starsHe wept so longHe cried too hardHe sang his song into the dark.

The lonely night skyGave a chilling sighThe moon crept behind A cloud.

The last I heard from himThe last I saw his faceSmiling backInto the dark

(29.12.00)

Christmas Tune

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A cracked bauble under her feetBled to death beneath the treeYou told me to cease with my dreamsOnly because I eat too much cheese

A broken arm on the roofPretending to be Santa wasn’t fool proofAnd I didn’t laugh, I tell the truthBut I only did because of you

Who stole Christmas? Who took it away?I used to enjoy this one dayNow I’m gloomy all the waySo much so, I have nothing to say

I bury my head in a mince pieI drink so much I could dieI close my eyes and pretend I can flyI laugh so much, I can’t help but cry.

(Dec 2000)

Regression

There’s a man in the road At four fifteenJust because I laid eyes on him

Doesn’t mean he was there.

There are two theatres in my headBut I haven’t seen too muchI haven’t seen enough

Of the second act.

You haven’t seen itSo you sayAnd I will laugh until my wings

Fall off.

So now you stayThere is nothing to fearAnd nothing to doubt and nothing at all

To shout about.

So why all this then?Why are my thoughts

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Mis-timed? Ill-advised? So very naive?

I can’t be aloneBut I can’t be with youAnd how come each time

I’m always in the wrong?

I’m not a childI’m not a childYou are the thief

I’ll credit you with that.

Give me back my Stage and lightsThe sex you stole from me

Is mine.

The image in my head becomesBrief realityEven now I know it’s a mistake

So why all this then?

The scratching in my head, I do it to forgetBut the drama in my lungs and the coldness in my speechIs a fault all of my own

And I’ll cry until my eyes fall out.

But there’s a man on the roofAnd I saw him jump offHe gave me warning

As he vanished into the dark.

I didn’t hear it allI know what he meansHave I seen too much?

I haven’t looked enough.

So now you sayThere is no reason to smileAnd no reason to hate

Nothing to enjoy and nothing to find.

Yes I know it’s all wrongMy thoughts are wrongThe shaking of my head

Tells me I am wrong.

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(26.12.10)

The lesson

My head in my handsYou know what this meansIt’s not what it seemsYou idiotYou idiotYou’ve done it againWhen you repeat itTo yourselfAnd you sayI’ll not make aMistakeNo, not againBut youDo itAnywayAnd I think I knew I wouldAnd I think I thought I shouldJust to confirmThat I have no controlAnd just to confirm ThatI never grow upYou’re just the sameBut you expectIt all on a plateBut as times changeI knowI do notAnd it’s comfortableEmbarrassingThat my limits areClearYou idiotDon’t you everLearn You idiotLook at their LivesThey have a real lifeAndYou’ve done it again

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(26.12.10)