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By Damon Keen

Originally published in the North Shore Times 2007-08

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A 3 Bad Monkeys Book. For more information, visit www.3badmonkeys.com.

Copyright © 2011 by Damon Keen. All rights reserved.

Permissions may be available at www.3badmonkeys.com.

Nuts n Bolts was originally published in The North Shore Times, July 2007 - November 2008

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The Earth is in

Danger!

Only One woman can turn the tide!

Agent Ani! Why areyou standing like that?

Climate change! Pollution! Extinction!

Causeit looks wicked cool.

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz 2006 was the hottest year on record!

Only One hero stands between us

and calamity!

Tough!

You’re dead, pax.

Get a worm farm to reduce your waste!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz

You won’t want to missa single episode!

Earth’s greatest heroes!

ntroducing Agent Ani and Pax unit!

All that Plus

Ani knows how

to burp song

lyrics! Send iN

your requests

now!

Smart!

Daring!don’t miss out!

Spills!

Each week packed full of thrills!

It’s the ultimate cartoon!

and action!

4

It’s the emergency eco-phone!

AgentAni! We’ve got

reports of a giant bug trashing

the city!

By gosh!this is

serious!

A giant bug?

also can you pick us up some milk?

Short trip? Take a walk instead of the car!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz

Ani’s

Robo

-

van

The thrills con-tinue next week!

ur adventure begins somewhere on the waterfront...

What the-?

Control! We heard the alert!

What is it?

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Packaging makes up 12% of kiwi waste!

Whoa!Pax! We got trouble!

bug trouble!

I am your ruler! Your destroyer! The very

future of man!

Hold it, bug-brain!Who the creepers

are you?

‘bug-brain?’

How dare you!

See, Pax, I told you he wasn’t a dung

beetle.

Hey, easy

mistake.

I am the

5

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Plastic bags take 15 to 1000 years to break down!

So

what’s the

deal with

you?

I, the locust, plan

to release the world’s

garbage out of the

rubbish dumps and back

into the cities from

where it came!

Then my insect friends

and I will be the new

masters of the rubbish

world we have created!

Mwa ha ha haHa ha!

uper-spy, Agent Ani, and sidekick, Pax unit, find themselves face to face with the

So to save the world I need to fight a giant bug

in a pile ofrubbish?

This should be fun.

plussometimes I gob up hair

balls.

Don’t leave the tap running!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz

ax and Ani find them-selves under attack by

the fearful Locust!

Get him, Ani! Hold him! Hold

him!

Thanksfor all

your help.

oh,

I couldn’t

have gone

on for much

longer.

That’s it! Behind you! Below you! Left hook! Right hook! Pow! Pow!

Pow!

Yikes!

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for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Set your dishwasher on ‘Light’ wash!

Come onPax! the Earth is in danger!

The planet needs saving!

Ani! Our satellites

show a huge iceberg

breaking off the north pole! We need youto check

it out!

What?jumping

geronimo! Doctor warner

just kissed Libby!

uper-spy, agent ani, picks up an emergency transmission on her wristwatch phone...

I read ya, Control!

I’m on my way,

Control!

Kinda busy here, Ani.

More action next week!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Kiwis throw away 1000 buses worth of rubbish a day!

ni’s pad!

Course not! It’s gotall sorts of safetyfeatures - airbags,thrust dampners, seatbelts, hazard

lights...

What kind of glue is that you’re

using?

Huh.

Chewing gum.

Building a rocket

pack.

Whatchadoin, Ani?

a rocket pack? Aren’t they kind of dangerous?

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Get energy saving light bulbs!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz

ith a roar, Ani and Pax blast into the sky!

Destination?

Adventure!

Their goal? The frozen heart of the North Pole!

Their mission? Investigate the break-up of the polar ice cap!

Do our heroes have what it takes to win the day?

Only time will tell!

It is a journey fraught with danger: Frostbite! Dehydration! Exhaustion!

Hey, did you bring anything warm to wear?

What?

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Nearly half your electricity goes on heating water!

ni’s mission: investigate the break-up of the arctic ice cap!

What’s the most exciting

part?

First we

blast intoorbit at 5

gees! In 10

minutes we’ve

crossed the

pacific! Then we

re-enter the

atmosphere over

the north pole

at 25 timesthe speed of

a bullet!

And that’s

not even the

most exciting

part!

it’s completely untested.

Jetpack!

Jetpack?

That’s

right, Pax!

It’s pretty

exciting stuff

actually!

The arctic?

How will we

ever get to

the arctic?

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for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Donate your old clothes to charity!

he north pole...

It’s zombie plastic,

ani! Zombie plastic!

Wow. It’spretty amazing to think that this is all melting away

because of human pollution.

Hey, you’rethe one who refused to recycle last week because you’re afraid

of ‘what it mightcome back as’!

Pah. Humans.

Makes me glad to be a robot!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz It takes 7 gallons of oil to make 1 car tire!

Touchdown! We’ve made it -

the northpole!

Penguins livein the south pole. Polar bears live

in the northpole.

Good! I’d hate to think

you were disappointed.

Penguins shmenguins!

I’m just here to see where Santa

clause lives!

Cool!

Whereare all the penguins?

There aren’t any penguins in the north pole,

dope!

Oh.

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for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Arctic ice is melting 3 times faster than predicted!

he north pole...

What?

Oh. Wait a

minute.

This isn’t the science

station. it’s a box of tissues.

Let’s SEE

WHAT IT’S

FOUND!

Pax!

There’S

THE REMOTE SCIENCE

STATION WE

SENT HERE!

All that melting ice

will raise sea levels

and shut down the gulf

stream, throwing Europe

into a new ice age and -

Hmm. This

looks bad!

Sensors show massive

amounts of ice breaking

up along the coast!

use a tea towel instead of a paper one!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz

Hmm. Where did I leave my

jet pack?

Additionally it looks

like the ice sheet is

breaking up around

us.

Hey,no fair! I called snacktime!

Hmm. My utility belt

seismo-widget shows that

the arctic ice is melting

three times faster than

expected.

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for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz whalers are to hunt endangered humpbacks this year!

Contact!

Nearly there!

success! I got it! We’re

safe!

Andlook! New friends!

Over the crevasse!

The ice is breaking up! I’ve gotta get my jet pack from

across thatcrevasse!

Grappling hook!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Don’t buy products with too much packaging!

he north pole! Ani and pax rocket pack to safety...

whew!That was close!

Those polar bears nearly

had us!

Super-hero! Pah!

You won’t even let me wear my underpants on the outside!

well, no oneever said that being a super

hero was going to be easy, Pax.

Polarbears! Ice

quakes! Blizzards!

It’s just been one hair-raisingadventure after

another!

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for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Cigarette butts have been found in dolphins & turtles!

Additional: Pax got

the sniffles while

we were away.

Send.

Alright.

Let’s take a

look at you

then.

Oh no! What

does that mean?

Hmm.

You’ve picked

up a bit of a

temperature.

Wait, sorry,my mistake.

That’s global warming.

What does

it say?

To mission Control: Urgent!

Our journey to the north pole

revealed that high temperatures

are melting arctic ice much

faster than expected!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz Carry a mug with you for take out drinks!

I am.

I thought you were fixing the

toaster.NArrgh! What’s

wrong?

I can’t get the atomic lattice to connect to the sub-space confibulator without it being flooded

with relativistic darkmatter!

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Get bleach-free recycled toilet paper!

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz

ni’s lab...

What you

doing?

Building a

new robot.

Well,nothing, Pax.

he’s just going to specialise in different

things than you.

But I’m perfect! I’m

smart! I’m shiny! I’m web

2.0 compatible!

Sure, Pax.

But there’s

always room for

improvement.

You’re giving him hands aren’t you?

Actually, I’m just

not giving him a mouth.

Ga!

And

What’s

wrong

with

me?

for more eco fun visit

www.ecokids.co.nz SUVs cause 50% more pollution that your average car!

Hey Pax! Meet my newest creation - green machine!

Sooo. Not too bright

then?

I thinkhe’s picking up the shopping

network.Kill me now.

Flubber.

Enron.Twinkies.

Nice to meet you.

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What does

it say?

“Please

replace toner

cartridge.”

There’s a coded message coming through onthe eco-spy super

computer!

Gotta reroute the signal

through the translator!

Rewire it through the

decryptor! Remodulate it

through the demodula-

tor! Crack it! Unzip it!

Decode it!

Triple alert, ani!

Whalers off the

coast!

Whalers!The scum of

the seas! We’ve

got to stop

them!

I’ll be right back.

Youbetternot be

looking up the answers on Google,

younglady!

Um. Question?

Yes?

Howare we going going to stop

them?

We’ve gotno transport, no back up and

no plan.

Fishy Business! part 1

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What’s that smell?

oh,you know,

rotting garbage. It smells like that for the first 2 or 3 hours, or until you black out.

Whichever comes first.

Here’s how we’ll

stop the whalers, Pax!

Behold - my home-made,

trash powered jet ski!

trash powered? But That’s amazing! It’ll change the way transport works forever!

We’re going to be rich,I tell you! Rich!

Fishy Business! part 2

Come on, Pax! We’ve got some whales to save!

Yeah!

Listen, Ani, I’ve been thinking. Instead of just saving the whales, maybe

we should think about investing them. You know,

play the markets a bit.

You... You’ve actually got no idea what a whale is,

do you?

Well, no.But whale saver, kiwi

saver, what’s the difference?

Buy low, Sell high. I dig

it.

Fishy Business!part 3

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Um. It

doesn’t seem

to be doing

very much.

Sorry.

Just waiting

for the sun

to come out

from behind

that cloud.

Fishy Business! part 4

Ani, look!The whaling

ships! They’re chasing thosehumpbacks!

I seethem!

Activating Solar

powered inhibitor!

Fishy Business! part 5

It’s the whaling ships!

Whalerscum! Do

your worst!You don’t stand a chance! No-

thing will save you from justice now -

Nothing!

They blew up our jet

ski!

Yeah.I didn’t see that coming,

did you?

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Er. Maybe you blew it too hard?

Shh. You’ll scare all

the dolphins away.

What’s

that?

My dolphin whistle. Soon

a pod of dolphins

will whisk us to

safety.

Fishy Business! part 6

Fishy Business!part 7

And there’s a whale!

Get out of here, Moby!

Flee! Escape! Go! Go! Go!

I think he wants you to throw a

stick.

Eek! The whaling ships!

Oh no! Now he’s

chasing the harpoon!

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Fishy Business! part 8

Did you

expect that to

happen when

you yelled

“fetch”?

Actually,

I didn’t even

know that

whales could

catch sticks

in their

mouths.

Whoa. That whale just

smashed right through the whaling ship.

...andright through the second whaling ship

too.

Fishy Business! part 9

there’s a whale right behind me

isn’t there?

Pah.Whales.

They’re so smug. “look at me. I’m so big.”

I mean,if they’re sobig how come

they eat shrimp? Shouldn’t they eat tigers or

something?

Biggest wimps on the planet

more lke - and another thing-

something like that.

Wow. That was pretty cool the way that whale

smashed up that whaling ship!

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you don’t know what it does, do

you?

don’tlisten to him

my preciousss,We loves

you.

what

you got

there?

What

does it

do?

It just looks pretty, okay?

Very, very pretty!

One

of those

new Smart phones! It’s

very cool.

oil Slick! part 1

Evil giga-nat, kraven Corp,

is opening a newoil rig, Ani!You bettercheck it

out!

Pax! To the jet bike!

Thejet bike? Really?

Roger, Control!

What’swrong with

the jetbike?

the“brrm brrm”

noises you make when you’re driving it.

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Hey,Bolts,

check this out!

I programmed

my phone so it

comes when I

whistle.

That’s

cool.

Actually, it’s pretty

demeaning.

Well! That’s the last time I try to fix

an old video recorder!

I told you. pure

evil.

Urk

fut

must - destroy - all - life -

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I notice you haven’t watered potsy in

the last 6 months.

Quiet bolts! Ithink your breath has opened a hole in the ozone layer over

my sample.What you

doing, Ani?

Soon i shall re-animate the inert

chemicals of base matter -

recreating the moment that life on earth began!

creating

life.

‘celebrity breakdown.’ It

tells me everything I need to know about celebrities in a way that fits in with my busy, high-stress

lifestyle.

What you reading?

you spend 18hours every day on

the internet.

which doesn’t leave me much time for celebrities now, does it?

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Look atall these bills, bolts! inventing

costs a fortune! I need to make some

cash fast!

Well, whatabout getting a

sponsor? Just whack some product nameon the side of one of

your inventions andBAM - Bucks!

Why do

I always open

my mouth

around her?

Oy! Why aren’t you

wearing your Captain Fizz costume?

Didyou have to

install robot brains in

everything?

Don’tgo to the

toilet.

Hi

bolts.

Hi

bolts.

Hi

bolts.

Hi

bolts.

Hi

bolts.

Hi

Ani! I’m

home!

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Anidoesn’t know you’ve started smoking does

she?

Boy, ifthese

readings are correct, then plants

aren’t sucking up as much

pollutionas people

think.

which meansglobal

warming could happen much faster than expected! I

better run this through the computer!

I’m under a lot of stress.

Is that so, Bolts? Well, maybe you need to think a little harder

about that!

Hey, Youbuilt me without a waist, remember, Ani? I’m shaped like an egg!

jeepers,i think I’ve put on a bit of weight.

yep.

He he,Yeah. you do make me look pretty good.

Let he whois without thin cast the first

stone.

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One day,bolts, I’m

going to get into space. No

question.

Bah! You justwant to escape your

problems here on earth, Ani! Cowardly Escapism is what it is - Cowardly

escapism!

I’d hate to

take you away from

your precious tv

shows.

If I missed

america’s next

top model, i’d

die!

Oh yeah,I forgot I programmed you to eat

trash.Look at that!

Someone’s left their Rubbish in

the middle of the bush! Gross! What just

happened? Where did all the rubbish go? Why does my breath

smell like cabbage?

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Well,yeah. In fact I originally designed you

to be a vacuum cleaner!

Clearlynot one of

my greatest successes.

You’retelling me you designed me

to eat rubbish and you never bothered to tell me this

before?

A VACUUM CLEANER!

Hmm. My vast

intellect?

See? Garbage in,

garbage out!

I can’t

believe you

designed

me to eat

trash!

well,

What did

you think

you were

designed

for?

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I can’tbelieve Ani designed me to eat rubbish!

My god!

It tastes

divine!

Would

you get a

move on? The

cat’s done a

whoopsy on

the carpet.

It was worth it.

“error.”

Huh?

“Replace user.”

God! Why arecomputers so

hard to use? Why doesn’t this button work? What does

that bit mean? What is that colour?

Why doesn’tthat undo?

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Golly Bolts, you’re about

the handsomist robot I’ve ever met!

Oh, I know, candy. Fetch

me some more ice will

you?

What’s wrong?

Bolts! I’ve done it! I’ve built you an electric

nose!

Oh my gosh, really? I’ll finally have a nose? Oh my gosh! Oh my

gosh!

Ta da!I’ve fitted

you with a new

electric nose!

Finally you’ll be

able to smell

flowers in bloom,

fresh cut grass

and baked bread!

I’ve set you free,

Bolts, FREE!

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Ever since Ani installed

robot brains in everything, I can’t get a

minute’s peace! Every second I’ve got appliances twittering away

at me!

Hi Bolts! What you doing?

Look,You’re a

light bulb, Alright? A

light bulb! You can’t make metalk to

you!

You’vebeen at the

coffee again, haven’t you? Hey, I’m a

toaster, what else have a got

to live for?

I feel so used.

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Uh oh. I forgot the shopping

bag!

So? Use plastic.

Hey,

you’re

the one

carrying the

groceries

without a

bag, so

you know,

whatever.

No way,

Bolts! Plastic

bags are turning

the planet into a

garbage dumpand I won’t

stand forit!

good

point.

What do you

think happens

when we die, Ani?

so, no 100

foot high

commemorative

Gold statue

then?

Well, in

your case, bolts, I take

your parts to the

scrap metal dealer and get

50 bucks.

Not unless

I can pick

one up for

50 bucks.

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Burp

I seeyour carbon emissions

are up.

How come I’m

the only one in

this house who

keeps violating

the Kyoto protocol?

I

wonder.

What are you doing,

bolts?

Morris dancing,

if you must know. It’s my secret passion.

Um, aren’t you supposed to use

handkerchiefs? That looks like toilet paper.

Sometime the passion hits me at odd times.

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I can’tbelieve you do

morris dancing,bolts! It doesn’tseem like your

kinda thing.

You’ve gotme all wrong,

Ani! I’m a rebel! I’m fighting the

system! I’m taking dance to

the kids!Think jimmy

Hendrix with

ribbons.

We are talking about ‘morris dancing’ here,

aren’t we?

Whatare you

doing now,bolts?

Morris dancing.

I set the

handkerchiefs

on fire to

make it more

‘extreme.’

You don’t actually know how to morris dance do you?

Who needsdance moves when you’ve got flaming

hankies?

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What’re you up to, Ani?

I’mBuilding a super

colliding 3000 volt feedback system.

It generates a neutrino stream that

runs the accelerator

here.

which of

course

drives the

dark matter engines over

here.

Butwhat

does it do?

I’m not

sure. I found

the parts inside

this cerealpacket.

Your blog site

down?

Two hours now.

Huh?

?

32

Wow.

That is persuasive.

I thinkit’s the same

guy who’s been stealing my

pens.

Soyou don’t believe in global warming?

What about all

the hundreds of

scientists who’ve

studied it?No way! it’s

a trick by the media to sell newspapers!

It’sall just

one guy in his mum’s cellar, shooting out

emails.

Ha! Of course

not!

HelloPotsy. Bolts tells me you don’t believe

in global warming.

it’s all part of a global conspiracy to destroy democracy.Any fool can

see that.

Myinvestments inbig tobacco

didn’t panout.

So it wouldn’thave anything to do with this investment

portfolio that just arrivedfrom unitedoil then?

33

I thoughtyou’d given up on computers?

Na,I’ve just

made a few modifications. Is that

some kind of geek humour?

It’s Still in beta.

* That, my

friend, is

humour2.0.

Also, I’vechanged the

Binary code from ones and zeros to sixes and sevens, cause I think they’re

prettier.

Ten terabytes of RAM and a duel-

processing capacitor!

Howcome you’re not playing on your new computer?

It called me a stupid monkey, so I smashed it with

my bone.

Hah!It hasn’t beeneasy, but I’ve

finished installing my modifications

- it’s complete!

I’ve created the single fastest, most intelligent computer on the planet! It’s a giant leap forward in

evolution! Mwa ha ha ha!

34

He says unlessyou change the channel back to

desperate housewives he’ll have to take the remote control

away from you.

Don’t make me come

over there!

I’veaccidently

turned my PC into a super-computer

who wants to take over the

world.

And this affects me how?

Bolts,meet spam, the super-computer.

You fools!Soon my armies

will spread across the earth, crushing you all!

Ha ha ha!

I’vegot a

website.

It mustbe annoying not having

any arms or legs.

35

Ok, Spam,I need to get on the net. What’s your password?

Ha ha ha! You’ll never figure it out! I’ve got a firewall so big, It’d take a 1000 monkeys typing a

1000 passwords for a 1000years to even guess at it’s

complexity!

1, 2, 3, 4. EEEK!

Bolts! You’re just in time!

It took 600 litres of paint,

3 super-computers and a box or

crayons, but I finally did it! I’ve invented a new

colour!

Bleh! It stinks!

I call it smellow.

36

How come you always wear the

same red top and pants, Ani? Have you got like 30

pairs of each or something?

I don’t have time to think about clothes, bolts.

I’m too creative to waste my

brain power on something so

trivial.

You mean youjust wear the same clothes every day?

Why do you think I built you without a nose?

I can’tbelieve that Ani wears the same clothes

every day!

And thecrazy thing

is that I didn’t even notice!

It kinda makesme wonder what

other weird stuffgoes on aroundhere without me

noticing.

Well,for

starters, you’re naked.

37

Hey Bolts - can I test my teleporter

on you?

Oh boy! You bet!

Uh oh. I think I pushed

the wrong button.

hifat

head.

Is that a good thing?

I can’tbelieve that

Ani’s created a duplicate of

me!

A dupli-what?

A high-fidelity copy.

Fiddility who-now?

Yeah, I’m way better looking.

But nota very good copy it would

seem.

38

How’d we end up with a copy of me, Ani?

Which means he’s probably made out

of anti-matter.

So what does that

mean?

Basically, if he touches anything

he’ll destroy the solarsystem.

What? How come he

gets a super power?

Hmm. Atomic inversion, maybe.

Whathappened to

my anti-matter duplicate?

I put him inthis contain-

ment field so he wouldn’t interact

with normal matter and blow up the

planet.

That isn’ta containment

field. It’s tupperware.

maybe.

mmm. Cookies.

39

I love trees bolts!

Look at that one! 300 years old and taller

than a building!

It scares

me.

I guess you did fall

out of that Bonsai.

Lasttree-house I ever build.

Why is the sky blue,

potsy? Plant power.

All over theplanet, thousands

of plants are concentrating all of their brain power on keeping the sky

blue.

Just Pray I don’t blink.

Whoa.

40

Whoa. Global warming is

heating up faster than anyone

expected.

Yeah. Kindamakes you wonder

what’s going to happen to santa once the north

pole melts.

Why is bolts

crying?

Beats me.

Potsy!I just found this drawer full of

documents!

I’m a plant, Ani. THat’s

ridiculous.

According to this, you’ve

been single-handedly driving

up the price of oil on the

stock market for the last 2

years!

DickCheney

bought me out months

ago.

Oh.

41

Hey, Ani,you don’t test

any of your inventions on animals, do

you?

Are you kidding? I love animals!

ThaT’S A RELIEF.

THAT’S WHATI DESIGNED YOU FOR.

I CAN’TBELIEVE YOU DESIGNED me to be your

laboratory rat!

Comeon, Bolts. I designed you to be a lot of things.

Yeah. Unfortunately

your mouth isn’t big enough to get my foot

into.Yeah?

Like what?

A foot massager?!

42

Bolts!You’re a lab rat

now! You’re supposed to

find your own way out of the maze!

Help! I’m

lost!

But it’s making me crazy, Ani! The twists! The

turns! The baking sun! I’m slipping away I tell ya!I’m not goingto make it!

Why don’t you just use the GPS unit I gave you?

Na. I’mtoo lazy to turn it on.

Try this.So, if I’mgoing to be

your lab rat, Ani, what do i need to do

now?Glub

It’s decaf.

Whoa. I can see

forever.

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So, areyou enjoying being Ani’s

Laboratory rat, Bolts?

I getheaps to

eat now! Lots and lots of food. It’s

great!

Actually, yes.

It’s a give and take

relationship.

Youmean the food laced with toxic

chemicals that Ani’s been testing on

you?

I saw a moviewith robots that could turn into

trucks yesterday. Pretty cool.

Sure. I can do that.

What?Turn into a truck?

Well, not a

truck.

I haveextra spouts

too.I’m not

interested.

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