Noun Magazine

8/2/2019 Noun Magazine

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Noun

LEGAL DISCLAIMER FORTHE DUMBEST: Noun is a work of satire. Anyone who comes at us with a libel or slander suit will be ignored.


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ALEX P KEATON

REGINA, SK The ProvincialGovernment stood by its con-troversial budget decision lastweek, voting unanimously tocut all funding to post-second-ary education.

It is a move that PremierBrad Wall hopes will helpSaskatchewan set a leadingexample for other provinces,and states around the world.

The funding, which givesmoney to post-secondary insti-tutions around the province,has cost the government closeto one billion dollars every yearover the past decade.

People get caught up inthis word funding, saidSaskatchewan Premier BradWall. But really, we have to callit what it is: a free handout.

The move has sparked out-rage from many socialist pun-dits. Many university students,who rely upon post-secondaryeducation for degrees, jobs, andtheir future, describe themove as a death blow.

University of Regina presi-

dent and socialism apologistVianne Timmons believes thatthis could spark the end of post-secondary education inSaskatchewan.

This is pretty much theend, she whined. How are wesupposed to continue opera-tions without [free handoutsfrom the government]?

Wall believes this is anopportunity for Saskatchewanto become a world leader, andmove away form the harmfulNDP legislation that is onlyincreasing the provincial deficit.

People point out that

every other province in thecountry has a similar fundingscheme in place, he said. Iveheard the arguments, and peo-

ple say that the universities arefinished without this funding ...but I ask the industry, how longwould we have to keep thisfunding going? And theanswer is indefinitely.

The reality is, we havebeen in a bidding war with theother provinces for decades.Universities all over the countrynag their governments for more

money to help provide the besteducation possible, that coststaxpayers money. We think it istime to explore new options foruniversity funding that doesntcost taxpayers, and could even

make the government a littlemoney for a change.

When asked about thesenew options, Wall stated thathe believes it is time for theUniversity of Regina to live upto its reputation for once.

Everyone likes to believethat the U of R is a liberal artsschool, he said. I think it istime for them to get creative,and think of their own solu-tions, without getting the gov-ernment or taxpayersinvolved.

Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.

NewsProvincial Gov

t Cuts

Post-Secondar

y FundingNo room in budget for free rides

ALEX P KEATON

REGINA, SK Last week duringa legislative session, speakerDan DAutremont, MLA forCannington. took the floor andintroduced the governmentslatest competency report.

The report includes all thethings the Saskatchewan Partyis doing well, all the things theNDP are failing at, and reasons

why Brad Wall is single-handed-ly saving Saskatchewan.During a press conference

held after the report was intro-duced, Wall thanked the peopleof Saskatchewan, as well as thepotash industry.

Potash is in our blood.Potash is great. Potash revenueflows through the veins of all inSaskatchewan, Wall said.Lets join hands and givesthanks to the Potash Gods forblessing us. Potash is the future,so that means Saskatchewan isthe future.

The press conference wasinterrupted for a few minutes

so the legislatures newest jani-tor, Dwain Lingenfelter, couldmop the floors. The interrup-tion was brief.

But although the reportwas widely accepted by the gov-ernment, not every one washappy.

They spelled my namewrong, said Cam Broten, anNDP MLA for Saskatoon MasseyPlace. It clearly is O before T.

In the report, Broten wascalled a left-wing extremist whohas coffee with homeless peo-ple.

I dont even drink coffee.Im a tea person, Brotenresponded.

The media have also foundthis report to be accurate.

I would have to agree onthe governments evaluation ofthe government, JohnGormely said.

The entire report can befound on the partys Facebookpage, at facebook.com/

fuckyeahsaskparty.Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.

Sask Party:

Sask Party rulesCompetency self-audit suggeststhat provincial government owns

ALEX P KEATON

REGINA, SK Last week duringa legislative session, speakerDan DAutremont, MLA forCannington. took the floor andintroduced the governmentslatest competency report.

The report includes all thethings the Saskatchewan Partyis doing well, all the things the

NDP are failing at, and reasonswhy Brad Wall is single-handed-ly saving Saskatchewan.

During a press conferenceheld after the report was intro-duced, Wall thanked the peopleof Saskatchewan, as well as thepotash industry.

Potash is in our blood.Potash is great. Potash revenueflows through the veins of all inSaskatchewan, Wall said.Lets join hands and givesthanks to the Potash Gods forblessing us. Potash is the future,so that means Saskatchewan isthe future.

The press conference wasinterrupted for a few minutes

so the legislatures newest jani-tor, Dwain Lingenfelter, couldmop the floors. The interrup-tion was brief.

But although the reportwas widely accepted by the gov-ernment, not every one washappy.

They spelled my namewrong, said Cam Broten, anNDP MLA for Saskatoon Massey

Place. It clearly is O before T.In the report, Broten was

called a left-wing extremist whohas coffee with homeless peo-ple.

I dont even drink coffee.Im a tea person, Brotenresponded.

The media have also foundthis report to be accurate.

I would have to agree onthe governments evaluation ofthe government, JohnGormely said.

The entire report can befound on the partys Facebookpage, at facebook.com/fuckyeahsaskparty.


Cof

fe

e is a stimulantA stimulant

PIERCE HAWTHORNE

REGINA, SK Its what hockeyfans in Regina have been wait-ing for, something so unbeliev-able that it has fans rushing tothe closest bathroom immedi-ately after their first glimpse ofthe athletes.

A co-ed fully nude hockeyteam has been approved and

will play as the Regina Danglers.Its pretty obvious that play-

ing hockey butt-naked is notdangerous at all and that any-one who thinks so is just anidiot.

Just because they arentwearing helmets and haveabsolutely nothing coveringtheir junk does not mean thatits dangerous. In fact, it hasbeen proven that the chances aguy can still have kids after tak-ing a shot to the nards is 50 percent. Those are great odds.

The athletes are wearingshoulder pads, which basicallymakes them indestructible to a

puck going 100 miles an hour,

so what are people worriedabout?

Just because girls and guyswill be naked on the ice doesnot demean them or makethem sex objects in fact, itempowers them.

The fact that these cats arebrave enough and cockyenough to be comfortable play-ing hockey with all of their

naughty bits out in the open issomething that everyoneshould strive to be able to do.

If some of the athletesarent as skilled as some ofthe others, it is perfectly accept-able to chirp them for it. Signspointing out their shrinkage isencouraged and clever chantsabout the size of a playersshlong are more than welcome.

Players are taking some

ridicule for being involved withthe Regina Danglers, but that isjust jealousy, as there areabsolutely no flaws in the gameplan of this organization.Really, everyone is getting whatthey want. In general, guys willget to stare at girls honkers andgirls get to stare at guyspythons without it being weird,and isnt that what everyone

wants?The new team doesnt only

benefit fans; the players alsoget the attention they are obvi-ously seeking. Lets not forgetthat no one put a gun to theirheads and made them partici-pate; they volunteered to playthe sport that they love naked,and they should not be at faultfor that.

While the team does givethe terms spearing and highsticking new meanings, thefuture success of the ReginaDanglers will literally go fromsix to midnight in the blink ofan eye.


Nude ho

ckey t

e

am hits Re

ginaThe Regina Danglers have everyones attention

People get caught up inthis word funding. Butreally, we have to call itwhat it is: a free hand-out.

-Brad Wall

...[T]he team does givethe terms spearing andhigh-sticking newmeanings...


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ALEX P KEATON

REGINA, SK Its hard tobe happy in a band full ofidiots, guitarist Brett Forst toldNoun. Despite Kelevras grow-ing success, including openingthe Metal Alliance tours stop inRegina, the band is still pissy asever. You just cant play metalif youre happy, said Forst.

Apparently, Kelevra still hasmuch to be angry over.

Our drummer is constantly

drunk, and our bassist didnteven make it to the MetalAlliance show. The other mem-

bers are likely stoned aroundthe clock as well, said Forst.

However, the local heavymetal act uses their animosity tofuel their hateful, cacophonoussound. Kelevra reassure theirfans that their success brings nodelight to the band, and itwont turn them into sissies.

Its probably a good thingthat there are difficulties thatcome along with being a white,middle class male. Weve got alot to be angry about, and we

wouldnt be as heavy andbadass as we are if we werentalways pissed off at each other

or our parents.Being happy just doesnt

work in metal. No one wants tohear a melody or singing orsongs in major keys. Well leavethat for those art-type people.We want to make music thatmakes you want to puncheverything. Half the time I wantto punch myself just for writingmusic in this band, said Forst.

Thankfully, some of thosesissy art-type people will beleaving our beautiful province

with the Sask Partys recent cut-ting of the Saskatchewan FilmEmployment Tax Credit (SFETC).

With less freeloaders whorefuse to get real jobs that actu-ally stimulate the economy (i.e.mining/trades), Kelevra willadmittedly have less people towant to punch.

Well just have to move on

to other people to hate, said aclearly intoxicated TannerHoffman, drummer. Ideally,

our hatred will spread to otherdemographics. Our goal is toseek out all those pussies whoarent half as raw as us (becauseno one even comes close to howraw we are) and punch the shitout of them, all of them. Metalisnt just a genre that most peo-ple grow out of in high school;metal is a lifestyle.

Kelevra have no other plansfor the summer other thanbeing metal as fuck, petition-ing to legally change Friday to

rye-day, and being angry forno damn reason.


ALEX P KEATON

Formed in 2010, Library Josephhas taken the indie music worldby storm, earning them the titleof Reginas Only Band. We

caught up with member KeatsColeridge to discuss his musicsounds.

Alex P. Keaton: How wouldyou describe Library Josephssound?

Keats Coleridge: Ironic. Imean, if you dont understand asong like Raymond ChandlerWould Love Dubstep, thenyoure just not deep enough.

APK: Why do you have somany band members?

KC: I get a lot of strangelooks when I tell people that Imin a band with twelve otherpeople. But theres just so muchmore you can do with threedrummers, and where wouldwe be without an Omnichordplayer? Wed probably justsound like the rest of Radio 3. Ithink having thirteen membersreally separates Library Josephsshit music from the rest of theshit music you hear. The differ-ence with us is that were tryingto make mediocre music. A lotof people claim that we dontneed Bill [Jefferson, gong] orJimmy [Peters, ribbon dancer],but realistically, how manyother bands have someone whois a virtuoso on the chopsticks?

APK: What instrument doyou play?

KC: I play the salt shaker.No, I do not play the egg shaker,and dont you dare even com-pare me to those hacks. Whatsthe difference between thetwo, you say? Functionally,nothing; I just took a salt shakerfrom my house one day. Itsfree, and its much quieter thanthe egg-shaker too. In fact, Icant even hear myself most ofthe time, so I just throw salt atthe rest of my band/the audi-

ence.APK: What do you like

about Regina?KC: Its okay. Thats what I

love about it, the mediocrity.Im glad there are no realefforts to push this city in a bet-ter direction because its finewhere it is right now. Why buildaffordable housing when wecan put up condos over aswamp and underneath an air-way? Regina is so radically okay,

and Library Joseph try to reflectthat with the banality of ourmusic.

APK: Do you plan to stickaround Regina, or do you wantsomething bigger?

KC: Weve heard of someother bands moving to placeslike Montreal and what not, butwe dont want that. LibraryJoseph totally know that wecould make it if we movedaway, but we dont wanna get

big. All the bands I know end upsacrificing the music when theymove away and try to makeit. Besides, were holding upfine with our Smart Car spon-sorship. So fuck it, were stick-ing around to annoy the pissout of you forever and ever andever.


Five Qs with music bandLibrary Joseph play notes on instruments

Metal band finds moderate success; still angry

TextLIBRARYJOSEPH& your mailingaddress to306-881-Nounits cool if we let the government trackyour phone thereafter, right

Arts & Culture

Babyluv Photography

WIN

FREE

STUFF!

Dramatic film The Actoris dramaticREGINA, SK Dramatic

film The Actoris opening at theDramatic Drama Theatre.

The film stars relative dra-matic unknown John de Gardenas an actor who is trying to act-ing way to the top of the dra-matic acting ladder.

In a surprising twist, thedrama is done entirely in sound,which marks a dramatic depar-

ture from films that are usuallya mixture of sound and nosound.

Not a moment in the movieis quiet: its noisy all the time.This is a problem, becausesometimes you cant hear whatde Garden is trying to drama-tize.

And thats the problemwith the problem of all-noisemovies. It started with MichaelBays Transformers , and hasnow worked its way into dra-matic art drama films.

The plot follows a supersuccessful actor as we works hisway to the top. His film,

Sidestreet Fuel Up, is a loud and

violent action-comedy, and ispoised to be the highest-gross-ing film ever. His local govern-ment, in an attempt to makesure the film makes as muchmoney as possible and is suc-cessful, gives the film lots of taxcuts and tax credits.

Everything seems to goalong great until oh no! Thetax credits spiral the economy

into a deficit and force the pro-duction to a standstill, puttingour loveable hero out of a job.

Its an exciting and glam-orous moment as we watch thegovernment pass the legisla-tion. Youre on the edge of yourseat the whole time. This is onemoment where the problem ofthe problem of noise isnt aproblem at all because it makesthe scene noisier, and obviously

more exciting and better.

The film ends with deGardens character attemptingsuicide by swallowing dollarbills. Luckily, his cute andadorable cute puppy Hitchpupwarns his love interest, Bernie,and the day is saved!

So whats the final verdicton The Actor?

Had the plot been morerealistic and less predictable

we all knew that governmentintervention was going todestroy the economy! and ifthe dog had just been a bitcuter, and if Bernie had a betterass, the film might have been amore dramatic film drama, andthe noisy noise of the dramamight have had a better dra-matic use.

Still, The Actor is dramati-cally dramatic, noisily noisy, andhilariously hilarious.

In short, The Actor is aheckuva dramatic drama filmwith the dramatic chops toentertain drama film watchers.


...The Actoris dramati-cally dramatic, noisilynoisy, and hilariouslyhilarious.

Half the time I want topunch myself just forwriting music in thisband.

-Brett Forst


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WhateverTHE EDITORS OF VERB

REGINA, SK The governmenthas been imposing cripplingregulations on the government,and we believe that it is timethat those regulations wereremoved.

We think that the govern-ment has had free-reign for toolong in the inner workings ofthe government, and if wewant to move Saskatchewanforward, it is time the govern-ment stops meddling in theaffairs of itself. There is nodoubt in our mind that the gov-ernment wouldfunction moreefficiently oncethe stifling regu-lations contained in the dracon-

ian Rules and Procedures of theLegislative Assembly ofSaskatchewan (RPLAS) are lift-ed.

The RPLAS, written inDecember of 2011, is an outdat-ed and oppressive documentthat directly binds the hands ofour Members of LegislativeAssembly (MLAs) by forcingthem to attend sittings of thelegislature unless they haveother pressing matters. Thismeans that our government isexpected to show up to the leg-islature every sitting day, even ifthere is nothing to do. Not onlyis this a waste of money, it is a

waste of MLAs valuable time.Furthermore, there are all

sorts of time restraints on sit-tings, when the budget can orcannot be released, and howlong motions have to be debat-ed for. This document is franklyinsulting to our form of democ-racy, where a simple majority ofseats lets the government dowhatever it wants. Why shouldthe government be forced tofollow these inane rules evenwhen everyone knows the out-come is predetermined? Its par-ticularly painful political the-atre, and we believe it is franklya waste of our time.

If any other proof is neededthat this docu-ment is bad forefficiency, justcheck out its

length. The inefficiency inher-

ent in the document that wepointed out came from only abrief skimming of the docu-ment. We can hardly imaginehow much more oppressive itwould be if we examined it indepth.

The government simplydoes not have any businessdirecting the government. Webelieve that the governmenthas for too long been involvedin the government. We believein God, the father almighty. Webelieve that it is time to repealthe RPLAS and let the free mar-ket determine when the gov-ernment sits and how it

behaves it just make sense.Feedback? Text it to 881-NOUN.

Govt should deregulate self

...[T]he ... government wouldfunction more efficiently ...

Nightlife Monday, downtown

Our vibrant twinkle plaza has truly become the new hub for downtown activity.

Students keep campus life going after-hours. Its 11:30 and the Internet caf is jumpin, jumpin.

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