Noteto Self

Also by Jamie K. Reaser for Hiraeth Press

Huntley Meadows:A Naturalist’s Journal in Verse

Courting the Wild:Love Aff airs with Reptiles and Amphibians

with Susan Chernak McElroyCourting the Wild:

Love Aff airs with the Land

Notepoems

for changing the worldf r o m t h e i n s i d e o u t

to Self

Hiraeth PressDanvers, Massachusetts

Jamie K . Reaser

Copyright © 2011 Jamie K. Reaser

All Rights Reserved. Th is book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages.

Hiraeth Press books may be purchased for education, business or sale promotional use. For information, please write:

Special Markets, Hiraeth PressPO Box 416,

Danvers, MA 01923

First Edition 2011

Cover and text design by Jason KirkeyCover photograph: © Elena Ray

ISBN: 978-0-9799246-9-9

Published by Hiraeth PressDanvers, Massachusettswww.hiraethpress.com

For those of you who want tochange the world for the better

and have the courageto start from within.

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Note to Self

Contents

A Note from the Author viiiFrom the Inside Out xiIntroduction xii

SeveranceBe Brave 3Callings 4Doe, A Deer 7House of Cards 11No Fear 14Purging Anger 17Remove the Shackles 21Stop Holding Your Breath 23Stop it Now 25Th e Crayfi sh 28Th e Hook 30Th e Meadows of the Dead 33Th e Price 36Th e Puppet Master 38Understanding 41When Dreams Dry Up 43

Re-MembranceAwaken the Dead 47Blue Feathers 49Courting the Viper 52Emergence 55Mada-Rua – Red Fox 58My Voice 59Pandora’s Box 61Quietude 65Receptivity 66See Kayaker 69Seeing 72Th e Ache 75Th e Door Way 77

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Th e Moment 79You Have Not Been Abandoned 80

DevotionBe-Loved Gaia 83Bird at the Birth of the Sun 84Bless the Children 85Departing Rome 88Parental Advice 91Pipe Dreams 92Singing to Monsters 95Th e Candle Snuff ers 98Th e In-Between 102Th e Totem Pole 105What I Do Know 111

CelebrationAre You Ready? 115Becoming the Next Me 116Bloom 118Courageous Vulnerability 120Daff odil 122Note to Self 123Praise 125Solstice Moon 127Th e Beloved’s Breath 130Th e Hickeys on My Cheek 131Th e Rising Times 134Th e Time Will Come 137Th e Unveiling 138Th e Wind and the Young Heart Warrior 139 A Special Note of Gratitude 142Acknowledgments 144Dedications 145About the Author 146

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Note to Self

A Note from the Author

If you have picked up this book, chances are that some part of you is deeply longing for more. Not more as has been defi ned by the constructs of “western civilization” – more possessions, more privi-leges, more power over others – but more in terms of a greater sense of authentic personal expression, of belonging, of being intimately connected to something far greater than self. If this is indeed the case, it is you these poems have been seeking.

Th e process of becoming fully human is a risky endeavor. It is a journey that requires Homo sapiens to cross long-held boundaries, descend repeatedly into darkness, face countless fears, and sever ties to everything that no longer serves the evolving Self. It is a journey of deaths. And, if one “dies” well enough, it is a journey of births – a process of emerging again and again on the other side of the trials and tribulations with a more open heart and mind, as well as a greater sense of inspiration, creative force, deeply rooted peace, compassion, and an unyielding desire to celebrate, to court, Life.

Our indigenous ancestors held initiation rites – trials of the ego and soul – in order to facilitate the transition from adoles-cence into an authentic adulthood. Elders provided guidance to the young people. Today most of us in “western civilization” lack true elders – people who have traveled far enough along their own hu-man journey to have embodied the wisdom and skills necessary to guide others, individuals or communities. We have to fi nd our “soul guides” in other ways.

My soul guides often emerge out of Th e Great Mystery as po-ems. Sometimes the poems show up during meditation, sometimes in dreams, often like lightening bolts that demand everything else be immediately put aside. Each poem in this collection has been a soul guide for me. Some of them, Callings for example, have been guiding me for nearly a decade, unveiling new insights over time as I grow in my capacity to receive them. Th is is not a collection of poetry to be met with the intellectual mind of reason and English

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Jamie K. Reaser

construct. It is a collection of poems to surrender to. If you are lucky, these poems will work their way beneath your skin and pry you loose from your old form of being.

Nature plays a fundamental role as conversationalist and mirror in many of the Note to Self poems. Not only does this refl ect the depth of my personal connection to the natural world, but I believe it is imperative – that is to say that humans cannot become fully human absent a conscious relationship with Nature. It is my hope that as you embark upon your own journey, you will increasingly make a place for the other-than-human in your life.

Th e attentive journeyer will discover unique gifts, deeply hid-den within, along the way. It is the process of off ering one’s gifts – devoutly – in service of something greater than Self through which we can change the world from the inside out.

And so, these poems are an off ering…

Jamie K. Reaser

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Jamie K. Reaser

SEVERANCELetting go of what no longer serves

RE-MEMBRANCERecalling and embodying the core truths

DEVOTIONLiving in service of something greater than self

CELEBRATIONRejoicing in Th e Great Mystery

From the Inside Out

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Note to Self

Introduction

Sit down and cordially introduce yourselfto the one you have been running awayfrom your entire life.

Th atis howto begin.

Severance

3

Severance

Die to whatyou believe in.

Sob your fi nal goodbyesonto the red clay,

tear after tear.

Step up.

Put your one true Life on the line.

Wiggle your mud-caked toesabove the precipice,and look down.

Th e dark abyss longs tofree your essencefrom its small storied form.

Step off the edge.

Let yourself fall,heart fi rst,into your fearof falling.

Your futurewill catch you.

I promise.

Be Brave

4

Note to Self

Call ings

Do you hear yourself being calledto places that are far away,beckoned by landscapesintimately known and unimaginable?

Does it feel as if only strangerscan speak your name?

You must leave home.

You must leave HOME!

Escape the walls of yourupbringing any way youcan.

Caterpillars do it.

Travel far and wide,get lost,be robbed,over and over again,realize that the world is big,you are small.

Forget who you believedyourself to be ,who you thought others thought you were.

5

Severance

Become someone who can’tanswer simple questions like,“What do you do?”

Fail.

Totally and completely failto reach your intended destination, though carrying a map and compass.

You are where you need to bethe moment after yougive up on all the landmarks.

Sit down and cry out all of your laments.

Cry out the lamentsall your ancestorsfeared to cry.

You are indeed walkingin circles,downward,inward,along a path marked“Grief and Despair”that leads directlyto Soul.

You have arrived.

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Note to Self

Arrived at the placeyou beganthat it killed you to leave.

Th ere is no entrance,nor exit.Never was.

When people ask you to tell thestory of your travels,your journey,of the road you have taken,do so by living your Life,

Ecstatically.

Now you are human.

7

Severance

Doe, a Deer

Doe, a deer,a female deerstanding in ironic be-wild-er-mentamidst a still-screaming clear cut.

Have you seen the big yellow monsterthat destroyed her home?

Blades that have never knownthe ethics of a Ninja.

She now has PTSDand is too numbto grieve,to dash,to join the stumps in their collective shrieksof amputation.

My eyes catch a glimpse of a single fl ower that made it through –Podophyllum peltatum –Mayapple.

Eternal hope.

I’ll ask you again:

“Have you seenthe big yellow monster that destroyed her home?”

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Note to Self

It dwells within you,you know.

Th e Destroyer –Th at part of you that takes morethan you need.Th at takes everything you need.

Look! She’s moving,shifting her head so thather big brown watery eyes meet your eyes.

She can See that you are human,

but she just doesn’t get it.

And neither do you –

And neither do I –

despite the long practiced walk and talk.

How is it that even those of uswho have awakened to the consequences ofour actions still largely partake in hypocrisy?

It’s all about the fuel that goes intothe Big Yellow Monsterof Youand Me:

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Severance

Insecurity,Fear,Loneliness…

Th ese things drive the harvest ratesof that which is Beautiful –both within usand outside us.

So, it is time All,that we call for an alternative energy source:

Compassion,Love,Unity…

We start not by monkey-wrenchingTh e Destroyer,but by bringing Th e Destroyer into ecstatic relationship with Th e Creator.

I’ll say it again:

“We start not by monkey-wrenchingTh e Destroyer,but by bringing Th e Destroyer into ecstatic relationship with Th e Creator.”

Her udder is becoming painfulas it swells,and there will be no relief.

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Note to Self

Th e twins were dismemberedand disembowledas they did what ancestral memorytold them to do –place your lovely white spotsin the glitter of leaf-sieved sunlightand be still.

Two Mothers will mournand someone elsewill refer to these and other casualtiessimply as “negative externalities”of Progress.

Look within.Go within.Redefi ne Progressfor yourSelf andfor our speciesbefore you fuel yournext outward step.

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Severance

House of Cards

Let go,It wasn’t meant to last –Nothing but true love is.

Th e instability that you’ve been witnessingis a sign –

Gravity wants to help you out…

It’s time for Th e Descent and grounding.

Fall to your own kneesif you must –

Humus, humility, and humanshare the same origin.

Oh, please –

Be the windconfi dent across your lipsthat says,

“I will honorably destroy that which I createdand bare witness to this loss with thefullness of my heart.”

12

Note to Self

Only the Creatorhas the Universal Blue Print –Th is you should Know.

Let your personal house of cards cometumbling downin majestic chaos.

Yes,

Garner the courage toturn your tethered struggleinto a holy off ering –Candle light,glitter,and a nice glass of wine –

Feed the Holy youruntimely attachmentsand you’ll both be fully satiated.

I want to watch yourheels fl y high as youdance the mythosof security todeath –

like a passion-drunkdervish.

13

Severance

Th at’s right.No more investing your energyin the fallacy of indefi nite stabilization,snatch the most pivotal cardand invite the child of you to toss it in uproarious play.

Be sure,absolutely sure,to revel in the multi-story crash –

For a long while if you will…Bring your tears and party hats.Severance, my friend,is a passageway to Joy –Th is you should Know.

Let go.

Let go,It wasn’t meant to last –Nothing but true love is.

14

Note to Self

No Fear

I don’t want to live in fear –

To give credence to the voicesof other peoplethat have been circling me

with warnings of loneliness, suff ering,poverty, and annihilation

since the momentof my conception.

In so many combinationsof words and accents they all say:

“Stay small.”

“Don’t take risks.”

“Never let yourSelf be seen.”

Like cages,Like ropes,

Th eir beliefs about the worldentrap and suff ocate.

“Life is dangerous,”say the so-called living.

15

Severance

No more.

No more!

I want to roam and breathe.

I want to dance naked in a public squareuntil everyone therehas counted allof the moles onmy body,twice.

I want to warble my True Namefrom a branch ofthe oldest tree on Earth,

and then I want to ask itwhat it has to sayabout standing upstraight and tall,

about unabashedly off ering itsservices to the multiple generationsof frightened humanswho have sat in theshade it has gifted.

Homo sapiens:

Th e most self-terrifi ed species.

16

Note to Self

Ah,

What is this the bold windoff ers?

It is the sound of leavesrustling in a far off land.

And in the way that the wordsof the wise always out-traveland out-live their speaker,

I hear the Elder tree say,

“Just keep reachingfor the light.”

17

Severance

Purging Anger

Witnessing Sin,the forgotten Sacred Truthof Self and Other.

Toxins in the water supplyand coursing the bloodof humanity embodied and spilled.

A turning back.

Failure to see,listen,touch.

Suff ering as an addictionor currency.

Ego’s insatiable consumption.

Waste.

Insecurity of any kind.

Th e man,woman,child,who takes dictationand acts upon it.

Th e man,woman,

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Note to Self

child,who dictates and sacrifi cesothers at the altarof his or her own neediness.

War as a pathway to Peaceor anywhere else.

Conditionalhumanitarianism.

Love withheld.

Color sightedness.

Mimicry.

Gas pricesas a measure ofthe quality of Life.

Numbness.

TV: a companion.

Judgment.

Th e concepts ofpossession,disposability,and disobedience.

19

Severance

Friend-Stranger-Enemy.

Fear as the basis for decision-makingin any context.

Hate crimes.Heart crimes.Criminality.Caging.

Death and Life as penalties.

Unforgivable.

Shameful.

Impatience.

Th e lack of apology.A lacking apology.Apology for lacking.Lack of acceptance.

No choice.

“No.”

“Can’t” and “Won’t.”

“Should” and “Must”and their opposites.

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Note to Self

“Please” as a grovel.

Th e wealth of poverty andthe poverty of wealth.

Aloneness ina world of six billionand counting.

A perception that isolationand solitude are one, the same.

Th e domestication of Spirit.

Th e silenced voice of Soul.

My own hypocrisy.

Bless me with a heartbig enough tolove my way through.

21

Severance

Remove the Shackles

It’s time to removethe shackles.

Th e angel at your left earfi nally reports:

“Th e bindings have reachedtheir expiration date.”

Free your Self.

You are not the propertyof others,of culture,of dogma,of your limiting beliefs and fears.

Stop volunteeringto wilt in the dungeon.

Let the gallows be nothingmore than a guano-encrusted pigeon perch.

Give the heavy, cold chainsthat have weighed you downback to the wounded-child-Masterlink by link,like prayer beadsintended for a long meditationon compassion.

22

Note to Self

Refrain from thrashingyourselfwith shamefor where you have been.

Instead,release yourSelf to live,from this moment forward,in communion withempathy and joy.

Turn towards thetens of millions still bodilyenslavedand so many moreindentured in soul.

Become an abolitionist of what no longer serves.

I know,

You now knowhow to setHumanityfree.

23

Severance

Stop Holding Your Breath

Stop holding your breath.

Th e one laying there next to you,back at your side,hogging all the covers,

that one doesn’t have to off erwhat you are looking for,

doesn’t even understand thatyou are looking,

Seeking.

Th at one prefers to remain asleep,eyes closed.

Stop holding your breath.

Th at unmet longing that has you ceiling-staringhas nothing to do being completed by another.

Nothing.

Th at unmet longing is the yet-to-be-had, never-to-be-ended conversationbetween your Soul and the Spirit that unites us all.

And, “Why yet unmet?” you ask.

Because you cannot truly engage in any dialoguewhile holding your breath!

24

Note to Self

Part your lips, open your mouth, and release yourinfl ated cheeks and fears.

Breathe.

Inhale Life. Exhale Love.

Inhale Life. Exhale Love.

It’s time to do what you’ve knownit’s time to do.

With utmost intent,

it’s time to enter into Th e Sacred Marriage.

With utmost compassion,

it’s time to love yourSelf enough…

Breathe.

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Note to Self

Acknowledgments

Deep gratitude to Jason Kirkey and L. M. Browning for serving as the heart and hands of Hiraeth Press. Your colleagueship and friendship are greatly appreciated. Th anks also to a gaggle of dear souls who have blessed the poems in this collection with their heartfelt presence and words of support: Nuzhat Ansari, Beth Anne Boardman, Joel Clark, Michael Clark, Sarah Dawson, Vara Dionne, Andrea Freeman, Richard Heilbrunn, Brandi Katherine Herrera, Dana Levy-Wendt, Cia Malia, Mirela Matecic, James McDowell, Mary Ocampo, Frank Owen, Todd Akira Morikawa, Peggy Peter-son, Ky Woolf Scott, Uma Sivaprasad, Maggie Stultz, Jane Vieira, Alyce Walker, Stacy Stall Wills, and Bob Wyfells.

Jeanine Canty, Bill Plotkin, Larry Schweiger, Nina Simons, An-drew Soliz, and Christopher Uhl read advance copies of the book and kindly off ered words of endorsement. I am so greatly honored by your contributions, and your presence in my life. Each one of you is a source of inspiration.

Doe, A Deer and Be-loved Gaia were fi rst published in Written River: Journal of Eco-Poetics Vol. 1 No. 1, pages 10-11.

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Dedications

Cia Malia Th e Ache

Kari Ardolino Rutgers & Cheri Goldstein Bless the Children

Dana Levy-Wendt House of Cards

Frank Owen What I Do Know Courageous Vulnerability

Joel Clark See Kayaker

Ky Woolf Scott Th e Totem Pole

Todd Akira Morikawa & Vara Dionne Th e Meadows of the Dead

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Note to Self

About the Author

Jamie K. Reaser has a passion for bringing people into their hearts, inspiring the heartbeat of community, and, ultimately, empowering people to live with a heart-felt dedication to Mother Earth. She received a BS in Field Biology from the College of William and Mary and her doctorate in Biology from Stanford University. She has worked around the world as a biologist, international policy negotiator, environmental educator, and wilderness rites-of-passage guide. She is also a practitioner and teacher of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), ecopsychology, nature-based spirituality, and various approaches to expanding human consciousness, as well as a poet, writer, artist, and farmer. Jamie makes her home in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. Please visit her poetry blog at: www.talkingwaters-poetry.blogspot.com/. We invite you to follow the blog on the Talking Waters Facebook page.

We are passionate about creativity as a means of transforming con-sciousness, both individually and socially. We hope to participate in a revolution to return poetry to the public discourse and a place in the world which matters. Of the many important issues of our times we feel that our relationship to the environment is of the most fundamental concern. Our publications refl ect the ideal that fall-ing in love with the earth is nothing short of revolutionary and that through our relationship to nature we can birth a more enlightened vision of life for the future. We believe that art and poetry are the universal language of the human experience and are thus most ca-pable of transforming our vision of self and world.

Visit us on the web at: www.hiraethpress.cominfo@hiraethpress.com

P.O. Box 416Danvers, MA 01923