Not That It Matters by A.A. 'Alan Alexander' Milne

8/2/2019 Not That It Matters by A.A. 'Alan Alexander' Milne

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/not-that-it-matters-by-aa-alan-alexander-milne 1/84

NotThatitMattersbyA.A.Milne

CONTENTS

ThePleasureofWritingAcaciaRoadMyLibraryTheChaseSuperstitionTheCharmofGolfGoldfishSaturdaytoMondayThePondASeventeenth-centuryStoryOurLearnedFriendsAWordforAutumnAChristmasNumberNoFlowersbyRequestTheUnfairnessofThingsDaffodils

AHouseholdBoo

LunchTheFriendofManTheDiaryHabitMidsummerDayAttheBoo stall"Who'sWho"ADayatLord'sBytheSeaGoldenFruitSignsofCharacterIntellectualSnobberyAQuestionofForm

ASliceofFictionTheLabelTheProfessionSmo ingasaFineArtThePathtoGloryAProbleminEthicsTheHappiestHalf-hoursofLifeNaturalScienceOnGoingDryAMisjudgedGameADoubtfulCharacterThoughtsonThermometersForaWetAfternoon

DeclinedwithThan

sOnGoingintoaHouseTheIdealAuthor

NotThatitMatters



ThePleasureofWriting

Sometimeswhentheprinteriswaitingforanarticlewhichreallyshouldhavebeensenttohimthedaybefore,Isitatmydes andwonderifthereisanypossiblesubjectinthewholeworlduponwhichIcanpossiblyfindanythingtosay.OnonesuchoccasionIleftittoFate,whichdecided,bymeansofadictionaryopenedatrandom,thatIshoulddelivermyselfofafewthoughtsaboutgoldfish.(Youwillfindthisarticlelateronintheboo .)Butto-dayIdonotneedtobotheraboutasubject.To-dayIamwithoutacare.NothinglesshashappenedthanthatIhaveanewnibinmypen.

Intheordinaryway,whenSha espearewritesatragedy,orMr.Blan givesyouoneofhischarminglittleessays,acertainamountofthoughtgoesonbeforepenisputtopaper.Onecannotwrite"SceneI.AnOpenPlace.ThunderandLightning.EnterThreeWitches,"or"AsIloo upfrommywindow,thenoddingdaffodils

bec

ontometota

ethemorning,"onecannotgiveofone'sbestinthiswayonthespurofthemoment.Atleast,otherscannot.ButwhenIhaveanewnibinmypen,thenIcangostraightfrommybrea fasttotheblotting-paper,andanewsheetoffoolscapfillsitselfmagicallywithastreamofblue-blac words.Whenpoetsandidiotstal ofthepleasureofwriting,theymeanthepleasureofgivingapieceoftheirmindstothepublic;withanoldnibatediousbusiness.Theydonotmean(asIdo)thepleasureoftheartistinseeingbeautifullyshaped" 's"andsinuous"s's"growbeneathhissteel.Anybodyelsewritingthisarticlemightwonder"Willmyreadersli eit?"Ionlytellmyself"Howthecompositorswillloveit!"

Butperhapstheywillnotloveit.MaybeIamalittleabovetheirheads.IrememberononeFirstofJanuaryreceivingananonymouspostcardwishingmeahappyNewYear,andsuggestingthatIshouldgivethecompositorsahappyNewYearalsobywritingmoregenerously.InthosedaysIgotathousandwordsupononesheet8in.by5in.Iadoptedthesuggestion,butitwasawrench;asitwouldbeforapainterofminiaturesforcedtospendtherestofhislifepaintingtheTownCouncilofBoffingtoninthemannerofHer omer.Mycanvasesarebiggernow,buttheyarestillimpressionistic."Pretty,butwhatisit?"remainstheobviouscomment;onestepsbac apaceandsawstheairwiththehand;"Youseeitbetterfromhere,mylove,"onesaystoone'swife.Butiftherebeonecompositornotcarried

awaybythemadrushoflife,whoinaleisurelyhour(theluncheonone,forinstance)loo satthebeautifulwordswiththeeyeofanartist,notofawage-earner,he,Ithin ,willbesatisfied;hewillbeasgladasIamofmynewnib.Doesitmatter,then,whatyouwhoseeonlytheprintedwordthin ofit?

Awoman,whohadstudiedwhatshecalledthescienceofcalligraphy,onceofferedtotellmycharacterfrommyhandwriting.Ipreparedaspecialsampleforher;itwasfullofsentencesli e"Tobegoodistobehappy,""Faithisthelode-



staroflife,""Weshouldalwaysbe indtoanimals,"andsoon.Iwantedhertodoherbest.Shegavethemorningtoit,andtoldmeatlunchthatIwas"synthetic."Probablyyouthin thatthecompositorhasfailedmehereandprinted"synthetic"whenIwrote"sympathetic."InjustthiswayImisunderstoodmycalligraphistatfirst,andIloo edassympatheticasIcould.However,sherepeated"synthetic,"sothattherecouldbenomista e.Ibeggedhertotellmemore,forIhadthoughtthateveryletterwouldrevealasecret,butallshewouldaddwas"andnotanalytic."Iwentaboutfortherestofthedaysayingproudlytomyself"Iamsynthetic!Iamsynthetic!Iamsynthetic!"andthenIwouldaddregretfully,"Alas,Iamnotanalytic!"Ihadnoideawhatitmeant.

Andhowdoyouthin shehaddeducedmysyntheticness?Simplyfromthefactthat,tosavetime,Ijoinsomeofmywordstogether.Thatisn'tbeingsynthetic,itisbeinginahurry.Whatsheshouldhavesaidwas,"Youareabusyman;yourlifeisoneconstantwhirl;andprobablyyouareofexcellentmoralcharacterand indtoanimals."Thenonewouldfeelthatonedidnotwriteinvain.

Mypenisgettingtired;ithaslostitsfirstfairyouth.However,Icanstillgoon.Iwasatschoolwithaboywhose

unclemadenibs.Ifyoudetecttracesoferuditioninthisarticle,ofwhichanydecentmanmightbeexpectedtobeinnocent,Ioweittothatboy.Heoncetoldmehowmanynibshisunclemadeinayear;luc ilyIhaveforgotten.Thousands,probably.Everytermthatboycamebac withahundredofthem;oneexpectedhimtobeverybusy.Afterall,ifyouhaven'tthebrainsortheinclinationtowor ,itissomethingtohavethenibs.Thesenibs,however,wereputtobetteruses.Thereisagameyoucanplaywiththem;youflic yournibagainsttheotherboy'snib,andifaluc yshotputstheheadofyoursunderhis,thenasharptapcapsizeshim,andyouhaveahundredandoneinyourcollection.Thereisagooddealofstrategyinthegame(whosefinerpointsIhavenowforgotten),andIhavenodoubt

thattheyplayitattheAdmiraltyintheoffseason.Anothergamewastoputacleannibinyourpen,placeitlightlyagainstthechee ofaboywhoseheadwasturnedawayfromyou,andthencallhimsuddenly.AsKiplingsays,wearetheonlyreallyhumorousrace.Thisboy'sunclediedayearortwolaterandleftaboutÂ£80,000,butnoneofittohisnephew.Ofcourse,hehadhadthenibseveryterm.Onemustn'tforgetthat.

ThenibIwritethiswithiscalledthe"CanadianQuill";made,Isuppose,fromsomesteelgoosewhichflourishesacrosstheseas,andwhichCanadianhousewiveshavetoexplaintotheirhusbandseveryMichaelmas.Well,ithasseenmetotheendofwhatIwantedtosay--ifindeedIwantedtosayanything.Foritwas

enoughformethismorningjusttowrite;withspringcominginthroughtheopenwindowsandmygoodCanadianquillinmyhand,Icouldhavecopiedoutadirectory.Thatistherealpleasureofwriting.

AcaciaRoad



Ofcoursetherearedisadvantagesofsuburbanlife.Inthefourthactoftheplaytheremaybeamomentwhenthefateoftheerringwifehangsinthebalance,andutterlyregardlessofthisthelasttrainstartsfromVictoriaat11.15.Itmustbeannoyingtohavetoleaveheratsuchacrisis;itmustbeannoyingtootohavetoprefacethecurtailedpleasuresoftheplaywithameatteaandahastydressingintheafternoon.But,afterall,onecannotjudgelifefromitsfacilitiesforplaygoing.Itwouldbeabsurdtocondemnthesuburbsbecauseofthe11.15.

ThereisaroadeightmilesfromLondonupwhichIhavewal edsometimesonmywaytogolf.Ithin itiscalledAcaciaRoad;someprettynameli ethat.ItmayraininAcaciaRoad,butneverwhenIamthere.ThesunshinesonLaburnumLodgewithitspin

maytree,ontheCedarswithitstwocleanlimes,itcastsitsshadowontheivyofHollyHouse,anduponthewholeroadthererestsapleasantafternoonpeace.Icannotwal alongAcaciaRoadwithoutfeelingthatlifecouldbeveryhappyinit--whenthesunisshining.Itmustbejolly,forinstance,toliveinLaburnumLodgewithitspin maytree.SometimesIfancythatasuburban

homeisthetruehomeafterall.WhenIpassLaburnumLodgeIthin ofHimsayinggood-byetoHeratthegate,asheta estheaireachmorningonhiswaytothestation.Whatifthetrainiscrowded?Hehashisnewspaper.ThatwillseehimsafelytotheCity.Andthenhowinterestingwillbeeverythingwhichhappenstohimthere,sincehehasHertotellittowhenhecomeshome.Themostordinarystreetaccidentbecomesexcitingifastoryhastobemadeofit.Happythemanwhocansayofeachlittleincident,"ImustremembertotellHerwhenIgethome."Anditisonlyinthesuburbsthatone"getshome."Onedoesnot"gethome"toGrosvenorSquare;oneissimply"in"or"out."

ButthemasterofLaburnumLodgemayhavesomethingbettertotellhiswifethantheincidentoftherunawayhorse;hemayhaveheardanewfunnystoryatlunch.Thejo emayhavebeenallovertheCity,butitisunli elythathiswifeinthesuburbswillhaveheardit.Putitonthecreditsideofmarriagethatyoucantreasureupyourjo esforsomeoneelse.AndperhapsShehassomethingforhimtoo;somebac wardplant,itmaybe,hasburstsuddenlyintoflower;atleasthewillwal moreeagerlyupAcaciaRoadforwondering.Soitwillbeahappymeetingunderthepin maytreeofLaburnumLodgewhenthesetwoarerestoredsafelytoeachotheraftertheexcitementsoftheday.Possiblytheywillevendoalittlegardeningtogetherinthestill

glowingevening.

IflifehasanythingmoretoofferthanthisitwillbefoundatHollyHouse,wheretherearebabies.Babiesgiveanaddedexcitementtothemaster'shomecoming,foralmostanythingmayhavehappenedtothemwhilehehasbeenaway.DorothyperhapshascutanewtoothandAnnemayhavesaidsomethingreallycleverabouttheba er'sman.Inthemorning,too,Annewillwal withhimtotheendoftheroad;itisperfectlysafe,forinAcaciaRoadnothinguntowardcouldoccur.Eventhedogsarequietand



friendly.Ili etothin ofthemasterofHollyHousesayinggood-byetoAnneattheendoftheroadand nowingthatshewillbealivewhenhecomesbac intheevening.Thatoughttoma etheday'swor goquic ly.

ButitistheCedarswhichgivesusthesecretofthehappinessofthesuburbs.TheCedarsyouobserveisagranderhousealtogether;thereisatennislawnatthebac .Andtherearegrown-upsonsanddaughtersattheCedars.InsuchhousesinAcaciaRoadthedelightfulbusinessoflove-ma ingisinfullswing.Marriagesarenot"arranged"inthesuburbs;theygrownaturallyoutofthepleasantintercoursebetweentheCedars,theElms,andRoseBan .IseeTomwal ingovertotheElms,rac etinhand,toplaytenniswithMissMuriel.Heishopingforaninvitationtoremaintosupper,andindeedIthin hewillgetit.Anyhowheisgoingtoas MissMurieltocomeacrosstolunchto-morrow;hismotherhassomuchtotal toherabout.ButitwillbeTomwhowilldomostofthetal ing.

IamsurethatthemarriagesmadeinAcaciaRoadarehappy.ThatiswhyIhavenofearsforHollyHouseandLaburnumLodge.Ofcoursetheydidn'tma eloveinthisAcaciaRoad;theyarecomefromtheAcaciaRoadofsomeothersuburb,wiselydecidingthattheywillbebetterawayfromtheirpeople.Buttheymeteach

otherinthesamewayasTomandMurielaremeeting;HehasseenHerinHerownhome,inHishome,atthetennisclub,surroundedbytheyoungbounders(confoundthem!)ofTurretCourtandtheWilderness;Shehasheardofhimfallingoffhisbicycleorquarrellingwithhisfather.Blessyou,they nowallabouteachother;theyaregoingtobehappyenoughtogether.

AndnowIthin ofit,whyofcoursethereisalocaltheatrewheretheycandotheirplay-going,iftheyareas eenonitasthat.Fortenshillingstheycanspreadfromthestageboxanairofluxuryandrefinementoverthehouse;andtheycannodinaneasymanneracrossthestallstotheCedarsintheoppositebox--inthedeeprecessesofwhichTomandMuriel,youmaybesure,

areholdinghands.

MyLibrary

WhenImovedintoanewhouseafewwee sago,myboo s,aswasnatural,movedwithme.Strong,perspiringmenshovelledthemintopac ing-cases,andstaggeredwiththemtothevan,cursing

Caxtonastheywent.Onarrivalatthisend,theystaggeredwiththemintotheroomselectedformylibrary,heavedoffthelidsofthecases,andawaitedorders.Theimmediateneedwasforanemptierroom.Togetherwehurriedtheboo sintothenewwhiteshelveswhichawaitedthem,theorderinwhichtheystoodbeingofnomattersolongastheywereoffthefloor.Armfulafterarmfulwashastilystac ed,theonlypausebeingwhen(inthecuriouswayinwhichthesethingshappen)myownnamesuddenlycaughttheeyeoftheforeman."Didyouwritethisone,sir?"heas ed.Iadmittedit."H'm,"hesaidnoncommittally.Heglanced



alongthenamesofeveryarmfulafterthat,andappearedalittlesurprisedatthenumberofboo swhichIhadn'twritten.Aneasy-goingprofession,evidently.

Sowegottheboo supatlast,andtheretheyarestill.ItoldmyselfthatwhenawetafternooncamealongIwouldarrangethemproperly.Whenthewetafternooncame,ItoldmyselfthatIwouldarrangethemoneofthesefinemornings.Astheyarenow,Ihavetoloo alongeveryshelfinthesearchfortheboo whichIwant.TocometoKeatsisnoguaranteethatweareontheroadtoShelley.Shelley,ifhedidnotdropoutontheway,isprobablynexttoHowtoBeaGolferThoughMiddle-aged.

Havingwrittenasfarasthis,IhadtogetupandseewhereShelleyreallywas.ItisworsethanIthought.HeisbetweenGeometricalOpticsandStudiesinNewZealandScenery.EllaWheelerWilcox,whomIfindmyselftobeentertainingunawares,sitsbesideAnarchyorOrder,whichwasapparently"sentinthehopethatyouwillbecomeamemberoftheDutyandDisciplineMovement"--avainhope,itwouldseem,forIhavenotyetpaidmysubscription.WhatIFoundOut,byanEnglishGoverness,sharesacornerwithTheRecreationsofaCountryParson;theyarefollowedbyVilletteandBaede er'sSwitzerland.Somethingwillhavetobedoneaboutit.

ButIamwonderingwhatistobedone.IfIgaveyoutheimpressionthatmyboo swerepreciselyarrangedintheiroldshelves,Imisledyou.Theywerearrangedintheorder nownas"allanyhow."Possiblytheywerealittleless"anyhow"thantheyarenow,inthatthevolumesofanyparticularwor wereatleasttogether,butthatisallthatcanbeclaimedforthem.ForyearsIputoffthebusinessoftidyingthemup,justasIamputtingitoffnow.Itisnotlaziness;itissimplythatIdon't nowhowtobegin.

Letussupposethatwedecidetohaveallthepoetrytogether.Itsoundsreasonable.ButthenByroniselevenincheshigh(mytallestpoet),andBeattie(myshortest)isjustoverfour

inches.Howfoolishtheywillloo

standingsidebyside.Perhapsyoudon't nowBeattie,butIassureyouthathewasapoet.Hewrotethosemajesticlines:--

"Theshepherd-swainofwhomImentionmadeOnScotia'smountainsfedhislittlefloc ;Thesic le,scytheorploughheneverswayed--Anhonestheartwasalmostallhisstoc ."

Ofcourse,onewouldhardlyexpectashepherdtoswayaploughintheordinaryway,butBeattiewasquiterighttoremindusthatEdwindidn'teither.Edwinwasthenameoftheshepherd-swain."AndyetpoorEdwinwasnovulgarboy,"wearetoldalittle

furtheroninalinethatshouldlive.Well,havingsatisfiedyouthatBeattiewasreallyapoet,Icannowreturntomyargumentthataneleven-inchByroncannotstandnexttoafour-inchBeattie,andbefollowedbyaneight-inchCowper,withoutma ingtheshelfloo silly.YethowcanIdiscardBeattie--Beattiewhowrote:--

"Andnowthedownychee anddeepenedvoiceGavedignitytoEdwin'sbloomingprime."



Youseethedifficulty.Ifyouarrangeyourboo saccordingtotheircontentsyouaresuretogetanuntidyshelf.Ifyouarrangeyourboo saccordingtotheirsizeandcolouryougetaneffectivewall,butthepoeticallyinclinedvisitormaylosesightofBeattiealtogether.Before,then,wedecidewhattodoaboutit,wemustas ourselvesthatveryaw wardquestion,"Whydowehaveboo sonourshelvesatall?"Itisamostembarrassingquestiontoanswer.

Ofcourse,youthin thattheproperanswer(inyourowncase)isanindignantprotestthatyouboughttheminordertoreadthem,andthatyonputthemonyourshelvesinorderthatyoucouldrefertothemwhennecessary.Alittlereflectionwillshowyouwhatastupidanswerthatis.Ifyouonlywanttoreadthem,whyaresomeofthemboundinmoroccoandhalf-calfandotherexpensivecoverings?Whydidyoubuyafirsteditionwhenahundredtheditionwassomuchcheaper?WhyhaveyougothalfadozencopiesofTheRubaiyat?Whatistheparticularvalueofthisotherboo thatyoutreasureitsocarefully?Why,thefactthatitspagesareuncut.Ifyoucutthepagesandreadit,thevaluewouldgo.

So,then,yourlibraryisnotjustforreference.You nowaswellasIdothatitfurnishesyourroom;thatitfurnishesit

moreeffectivelythandoespaintormahoganyorchina.Ofcourse,itisnicetohavetheboo sthere,sothatonecanrefertothemwhenonewishes.Onemaybewritinganarticleonsea-bathing,forinstance,andhavecometothesentencewhichbegins:"Inthewell-rememberedwordsofColeridge,perhapsalmosttoofamiliartobequoted"--andthenonemayhavetoloo themup.Ontheseoccasionsalibraryisnotonlyornamentalbutuseful.Butdonotletusbeashamedthatwefinditornamental.Indeed,themoreIsurveyit,themoreIfeelthatmylibraryissufficientlyornamentalasitstands.Anyreassemblingoftheboo smightspoilthecolour-scheme.Baede er'sSwitzerlandandVillettearebothinred,acolourwhichisneatlycaughtupagain,afteraninterludeinblue,byavolumeofBrowningandJevons'Elementary

Logic.Wehadawomanhereonlyyesterdaywhosaid,"Howprettyyourboo sloo ,"andIaminclinedtothin thatthatisgoodenough.ThereisacarelessraptureaboutthemwhichIshouldloseifIstartedtoarrangethemmethodically.

ButperhapsImightris thistotheextentofgettingalltheirheadsthesamewayup.Yes,ononeofthesefinedays(orwetnights)Ishallta emylibraryseriouslyinhand.Therearestilloneortwoboo swhicharethewrongwayround.Ishallputthemtherightwayround.

TheChase

Thefact,asrevealedinarecentlawsuit,thatthereisagentlemaninthiscountrywhospendsÂ£10,000ayearuponhisbutterflycollectionwouldhavedisturbedmemoreintheearlyninetiesthanitdoesto-day.Icanbearitcalmlynow,but



twenty-fiveyearsagothe nowledgewouldhavespoiltmyprideinmyowncollection,uponwhichIwasalreadyspendingthebestpartofthreepenceawee poc et-money.Perhaps,though,IshouldhaveconsoledmyselfwiththethoughtthatIwasthetruerenthusiastofthetwo;forwhenmyrivalhearsofararebutterflyinBrazil,hesendsamanouttoBraziltocaptureit,whereasI,whenIheardthattherewasaCloudedYellowinthegarden,too goodcarethatnobodybutmyselfencompasseditsdeath.Ouraimsalsoweredifferent.IpurposelyleftBraziloutofit.

Whetherbutterfly-huntingisgoodorbadforthecharacterIcannotunderta etodecide.Nodoubtitcanbejustifiedasclearlyasfox-hunting.Ifthefoxeatschic ens,thebutterfly'schildeatsvegetables;iffox-huntingimprovesthebreedofhorses,butterfly-huntingimprovesthehealthofboys.Butatleast,wenevertoldourselvesthatbutterfliesli edbeingpursued,as(Iunderstand)foxesli ebeinghunted.Weweremoderatelyhonestaboutit.Andwecomfortedourselvesintheendwiththeassuranceofmanyeminentnaturaliststhat"insectsdon'tfeelpain."

Ihaveoftenwonderedhownaturalistsdaretospea withsuchauthority.Dotheyneverhavedreamsatnightofanafter-lifein

someotherworld,whereintheyarepursuedbygiantinsectseagertoincreasetheir"naturalistcollection"--insectswhoassureeachothercarelesslythat"naturalistsdon'tfeelpain"?Perhapstheydosodream.Butwe,atanyrate,sleptwell,forwehadneverdogmatizedaboutabutterfly'sfeelings.Weonlyquotedthewisemen.

Butiftheremightbedoubtaboutthesensitivenessofabutterfly,therecouldbenodoubtabouthisdistinguishingmar s.Itwasamazingtoushowmanygrown-upand(presumably)educatedmenandwomendidnot nowthatabutterflyhad nobsontheendofhisantennae,andthatthemothhadnone.Wherehadtheybeenalltheseyearstobesoignorant?Well-meaningbut

misguidedaunts,withmysteriouspromisesofanewbutterflyforourcollection,wouldproducesomecommonYellowUnderwingfromanenvelope,innocent(forwhichtheymaybeforgiven)thatonlyapersonalcapturehadanyvaluetous,butunforgivablyignorantthataYellowUnderwingwasamoth.Wedidnotcollectmoths;thereweretoomanyofthem.Andmothsarenocturnalcreatures.Ahunterwhosebed-timedependsuponthewhimofanotherishandicappedforthenight-chase.

Butbutterfliescomeoutwhenthesuncomesout,whichisjustwhenlittleboysshouldbeout;andtherearenottoomanybutterfliesinEngland.I newthemallbynameonce,andcouldhaverecognizedanythatIsaw--yes,evenHampstead'sAlbionEye

(orwasitAlbion'sHampsteadEye?),ofwhichonlyonespecimenhadeverbeencaughtinthiscountry;presumablybyHampstead--orAlbion.Inmyday-dreamsthesecondspecimenwascaughtbyme.Yethewasaninsignificant-loo ingfellow,andperhapsIshouldhavebeenbetterpleasedwithaCamberwellBeauty,aPurpleEmperor,oraSwallowtail.UnhappilythePurpleEmperor(sotheboo toldus)hauntedthetopsoftrees,whichwastota eanunfairadvantageofaboysmallforhisage,andtheSwallowtailhauntedNorfol ,whichwasequallyinconsiderateofafamilywhich eptholidayinthesouth.TheCamberwellBeautysounded



morehopeful,butIsupposethetramsdisheartenedhim.IdoubtifheeverhauntedCamberwellinmytime.

Withthreepenceawee onehastobecareful.Itwasnecessarytobuy illing-boxesandsetting-boards,butbutterfly-netscouldbemadeathome.Astic ,apieceofcopperwire,andsomemuslinwereallthatwerenecessary.Oneli edthemuslintobegreen,fortherewasafeelingthatthisdeceivedthebutterflyinsomeway;hethoughtthatBirnamWoodwasmerelycomingtoDunsinanewhenhesawitapproaching,aridthatthequeer-loo ingthingbehindwassomelocalefflorescence.Soheresumedhisdalliancewiththeherbaceousborder,andwasnevermoresurprisedinhislifethanwhenitturnedouttobeaboyandabutterfly-net.Greenmuslin,then,butaplainpieceofcaneforthestic .Noneofyourcollapsiblefishing-rods--"suitableforaPurpleEmperor."Leavethosetothemillionaire'ssons.

Itcomesbac tomenowthatIamdoingthisafternoonwhatIdidmorethantwenty-fiveyearsago;Iamwritinganarticleuponthewaytoma eabutterfly-net.Formyfirstcontributiontothepresswasuponthissubject.Isentittotheeditorofsomeboys'paper,andhisfailuretoprintitpuzzledmeagooddeal,sinceeverywordinit(Iwassure)wascorrectlyspelt.Ofcourse,Iseenowthatyouwantmoreinanarticlethanthat.But

besidesbeingpuzzledIwasextremelydisappointed,forIwantedbadlythemoneythatitshouldhavebroughtin.Iwanteditinordertobuyabutterfly-net;thestic andthecopperwireandthegreenmuslinbeing(inmyhands,atanyrate)moresuitedtoanarticle.

Superstition

Ihavejustreadaseriouscolumnontheprospectsfornextyear.Thisarticleconsistedofcontributionsfromexpertsinthevariousbranchesofindustry(includingonefromameteorologicalexpertwho,Ineedhardlytellyou,forecastedawetsummer)andendedwithageneralsummingupoftheyearbyOldMooreoroneoftheminorprophets.OldMoore,Iamsorrytosay,leftmecold.

Ishouldli etobelieveinastrology,butIcannot.Ishouldli etobelievethattheheavenlybodiessortthemselvesintocertainpositionsinorderthatZad ielmaybe eptintouchwiththefuture;theideaofastarwhizzingamillionmilesoutof

itspathbywayofindicatinga"sensationaldivorcecaseinhighlife"isextraordinarilymassive.But,candidly,Idonotbelievethestarsbother.Whatthestarsarefor,whattheyareli ewhenyougetthere,Idonot now;butastarrynightwouldnotbesobeautifulifitweresimplymeantasawarningtosomeunpleasantfinancierthatKaffirsweregoingup.Theordinarymanloo sattheheavensandthin swhataninsignificantatomheisbeneaththem;thebelieverinastrologyloo supandrealizesafreshhisoverwhelmingimportance.Perhaps,afterall,IamgladIdonotbelieve.



Lifemustbeaverytric ythingforthesuperstitious.AtdinneranightortwoagoIhappenedtosaythatIhadneverbeenindangerofdrowning.Iamnotsurenowthatitwastrue,butIstillthin thatitwasharmless.However,beforeIhadtimetoelaboratemytheme(whateveritwas)Iwasperemptorilyorderedtotouchwood.Iprotestedthatbothmyfeetwereonthepolishedoa andbothmyelbowsonthepolishedmahogany(onealways newthatsomegoodinstinctinspiredthepleasanthabitofelbowsonthetable)andthatanyhowIdidnotseetheneed.However,becauseonemustnotargueatdinnerItappedthetabletwoorthreetimes...andnowIsupposeIamimmune.AtthesametimeIshouldli eto nowexactlywhomIhaveappeased.

Forthismustbetheideaofthewood-touchingsuperstition,thatamalignantspiritdogsone'sconversationalfootsteps,listeningeagerlyforthecomplacentword."Ihaveneverhadthemumps,"yousayairily."Ha,ha!"saysthespirit,"haven'tyou?JustyouwaittillnextTuesday,myboy."UnconsciouslywearecreditingFatewithourownhumanwea nesses.Ifamanstandingontheedgeofapondsaidaloud,"Ihaveneverfallenintoapondinmylife,"andwehappenedtobejustbehindhim,thetemptationtopushhiminwouldbeirresistible.Irresistible,thatisbyus;butitischaritabletoassumethatProvidencecancontrolitself

bynow.Ofcourse,nobodyreallythin sthatourgoodorevilspiritshaveanyparticularfeelingaboutwood,thattheyli eitstro ed;nobody,Isuppose,noteventhemostsuperstitious,reallythin sthatFateisespeciallytouchyinthematterofsaltandladders.Equally,ofcourse,manypeoplewhothrowspiltsaltovertheirleftshouldersarenotsuperstitiousintheleast,andareonlyconcernedtodisplaythatreadinessinthefaceofanysocialemergencywhichissaidtobethemar ofgoodmanners.Buttherearecertainlymanywhofeelthatitisthepartofawisemantopropitiatetheun nown,tobendbeforetheforceswhichwor forharm;andtheypaytributetoFatebymeans

oftheselittlecustomsinthehopethattheywillsecureinreturnanimmunityfromevil.Thetributeisnominal,butitisanac nowledgmentallthesame.

Apropersenseofproportionleavesnoroomforsuperstition.Amansays,"Ihaveneverbeeninashipwrec ,"andbecomingnervoustoucheswood.Whyishenervous?Hehasthisparagraphbeforehiseyes:"AmongthedeceasedwasMr.----.Byaremar ablecoincidencethisgentlemanhadbeensayingonlyafewdaysbeforethathehadneverbeeninashipwrec .Littledidhethin thathisnextvoyagewouldfalsifyhiswordssotragically."Itoccurstohimthathehasreadparagraphsli ethatagainandagain.Perhapshehas.Certainlyhehasneverread

aparagraphli

ethis:"AmongthedeceasedwasMr.----.Byaremar ablecoincidencethisgentlemanhadnevermadetheremar

thathehadnotyetbeeninashipwrec ."Yetthatparagraphcouldhavebeenwrittentruthfullythousandsoftimes.Asenseofproportionwouldtellyouthat,ifonlyonesideofacaseiseverrecorded,thatsideacquiresanundueimportance.ThetruthisthatFatedoesnotgooutofitswaytobedramatic.IfyouorIhadthepoweroflifeanddeathinourhands,weshouldnodoubtarrangesomeremar ablybrightandtellingeffects.Amanwhospiltthesaltcallouslywouldbedrownednextwee inthe



DeadSea,andacouplewhomarriedinMaywouldexpiresimultaneouslyintheMayfollowing.ButFatecannotworrytothin outallthecleverthingsthatweshouldthin out.Itgoesaboutitsbusinesssolidlyandunromantically,andbytheordinarylawsofchanceitachieveseverynowandthensomethingstartlingandromantic.Superstitionthrivesonthefactthatonlytheaccidentaldramasarereported.

Buttherearecharmstosecurehappinessaswellascharmstoavertevil.IntheseIamafirmbeliever.IdonotmeanthatIbelievethatahorseshoehungupinthehousewillbringmegoodluc ;Imeanthatifanybodydoesbelievethis,thenthehangingupofhishorseshoewillprobablybringhimgoodluc .Forifyoubelievethatyouaregoingtobeluc y,yougoaboutyourbusinesswithasmile,youta edisasterwithasmile,youstartafreshwithasmile.Andtodothatistobeinthewayofhappiness.

TheCharmofGolf

Whenhereadsofthenotabledoingsoffamousgolfers,theeighteen-handicapmanhasnoenvyinhisheart.Forbythistimehehasdiscoveredthegreatsecretofgolf.Beforehebegantoplayhewonderedwhereinlaythefascinationofit;nowhe nows.Golfissopopularsimplybecauseitisthebestgameintheworldatwhichtobebad.

Considerwhatitistobebadatcric et.Youhaveboughtanewbat,perfectinbalance;anewpairofpads,whiteasdrivensnow;glovesoftheverylatestdesign.Dotheyletyouusethem?No.Afteroneball,inthenegotiationofwhichneitheryourbat,

noryourpads,noryourglovescameintoplay,theysendyoubac

intothepaviliontospendtherestoftheafternoonlisteningtofatuousstoriesofsomeoldgentlemanwho newFullerPilch.Andwhenyoursideta esthefield,whereareyou?Probablyatlonglegbothends,exposedtothepublicgazeastheworstfieldsmaninLondon.Howdevastatingareyouremotions.Remorse,anger,mortification,fillyourheart;aboveall,envy--envyoftheluc yimmortalswhodisportthemselvesonthegreenlevelofLord's.

Considerwhatitistobebadatlawntennis.True,youareallowedtoholdontoyournewrac etallthroughthegame,buthowoftenareyouallowedtoemployitusefully?Howoftendoes

yourpartnercry"Mine!"andbundleyououtoftheway?Istherepleasureinplayingfootballbadly?Youmayspendthefulleightyminutesinyournewboots,butyourrelationswiththeballwillbedistant.Theydonotgiveyouaballtoyourselfatfootball.

Buthowdifferentagameisgolf.Atgolfitisthebadplayerwhogetsthemoststro es.Howevergoodhisopponent,thebadplayerhastherighttoplayouteachholetotheend;hewillgetmorethanhisshareofthegame.Heneedhavenofearsthathisnewdriverwillnotbeemployed.Hewillhaveasmanyswings



withitasthescratchman;more,ifhemissestheballaltogetherupononeortwotees.Ifhebuysanewniblic heiscertaintogetfunoutofitontheveryfirstday.

And,aboveall,thereisthistobesaidforgolfingmediocrity--thebadplayercanma ethestro esofthegoodplayer.Thepoorcric eterhasperhapsnevermadefiftyinhislife;assoonashestandsatthewic etshe nowsthatheisnotgoingtoma efiftyto-day.Buttheeighteen-handicapmanhassometimeorotherplayedeveryholeonthecoursetoperfection.Hehasdrivenaball250yards;hehasmadesuperbapproaches;hehasrundownthelongputt.Anyofthesethingsmaysuddenlyhappentohimagain.Andthereforeitisnothisfatetohavetositintheclubsmo ing-roomafterhissecondroundandlistentothewonderfuldeedsofothers.Hecanjoinintoo.Hecansaywithperfecttruth,"Ioncecarriedtheditchatthefourthwithmysecond,"or"IrememberwhenIdroveintothebun erguardingtheeighthgreen,"oreven"Ididathreeattheelevenththisafternoon"--bogeybeingfive.Butifthebadcric etersays,"IrememberwhenItoo acenturyinfortyminutesoffLoc woodandRichardson,"heisnothingbutaliar.

Fortheseandotherreasonsgolfisthebestgameintheworldforthebadplayer.AndsometimesIamtemptedtogofurtherand

saythatitisabettergameforthebadplayerthanforthegoodplayer.Thejoyofdrivingaballstraightafterawee ofslicing,thejoyofputtingamashieshotdead,thejoyofevenamoderatestro ewithabrassie;bestofall,thejoyoftheperfectclee shot--thesethingsthegoodplayerwillnever now.Everystro ewebadplayersma ewema einhope.Itisneversobadbutitmighthavebeenworse;itisneversobadbutweareconfidentofdoingbetternexttime.Andifthenextstro eisgood,whathappinessfillsoursoul.Howeagerlywetellourselvesthatinalittlewhileallourstro eswillbeasgood.

WhatdoesVardon nowofthis?Ifhedoesafiveholeinfourheblameshimselfthathedidnotdoitinthree;ifhedoesitin

fiveheismiserable.Hewillneverexperiencethathappysurprisewithwhichwehailourbeststro es.Onlyhisbadstro essurprisehim,andthenwemaysupposethatheisnothappy.Hislengthandaccuracyaremechanical;theyarenottheresult,assoofteninourcase,ofsomesuddenlyappliedmaximorsomesuddenlydiscoveredinnovation.Theonlythingwhichcanvaryinhisgameishisputting,andputtingisnotgolfbutcroquet.

Butofcoursewe,too,aregoingtobeasgoodasVardononeday.Weareonlypostponingthedaybecausemeanwhileitissopleasanttobebad.Anditispartofthecharmofbeingbadatgolfthatinamoment,inasinglenight,wemaybecomegood.If

thebadcric

etersaidtoagoodcric

eter,"WhatamIdoingwrong?"theonlypossibleanswerwouldbe,"Nothingparticular,exceptthatyoucan'tplaycric et."ButifyouorIweretosaytoourscratchfriend,"WhatamIdoingwrong?"hewouldreplyatonce,"Movingthehead"or"Droppingtheright nee"or"Notgettingthewristsinsoonenough,"andbyto-morrowweshouldbedifferentplayers.Uponsuchalittledepends,orseemstotheeighteen-handicaptodepend,excellenceingolf.

Andso,perfectlyhappyinourpresentbadnessandperfectly



confidentofourfuturegoodness,welong-handicapmenremain.Perhapsitwouldbepleasantertobealittlemorecertainofgettingtheballsafelyoffthefirsttee;perhapsatthefourteenthhole,wherethereisarightofwayandthepublicencroach,weshouldli etofeelthatwehavedonewithtopping;perhaps---

Well,perhapswemightgetourhandicapdowntofifteenthissummer.Butnolower;certainlynolower.

Goldfish

Letustal about--well,anythingyouwill.Goldfish,forinstance.

Goldfishareasymbolofold-worldtranquillityormid-Victorianfutilityaccordingtotheirpositioninthehome.Outsidethehome,inthatwildstatefromwhichcivilizationhasdragged

them,theymayhavestoodfordare-devilcourageorconstancyordevotion;Icannottell.Imayonlyspea ofthemnowasIfindthem,whichisinthegardenorinthedrawing-room.Intheirlily-leavedpool,sun deepintheoldflaggedterrace,uponwhoseborderstheblac birdwhistleshisearly-morningsong,theyremindmeofsundialsandlavenderandolddelightfulthings.Butintheircheapglassbowluponthethree-leggedtable,abovewhichthecloth-coveredcanarymaintainsastolidsilence,theyremindmeofantimacassarsandhorsehairsofasandallthatisdepressing.Itishardthatthegoldfishhimselfshouldhavesolittlechoiceinthematter.Goldfishloo prettyintheterracepond,yetIdoubtifitwastheneedforprettinesswhichbroughtthemthere.Rathertheneedforsomethingtothrowthingsto.No

oneoftheinitiatecansitinfrontofNature'smostwonderfuleffect,thesea,withoutwishingtothrowstonesintoit,thephysicalpleasureoftheeffortandtheaestheticpleasureofthesplashcombiningtoproduceperfectcontentment.Sobythemarginofthepoolthesamedesiresstirwithinone,andbecauseants'eggsdonotsplash,andloo untidyonthesurfaceofthewater,theremustbeagleamofgoldandsilvertoputthecrownuponone'spleasure.

Perhapswhenyouhavebeenfeedingthegoldfishyouhavenotthoughtofitli ethat.Butatleastyoumusthavewonderedwhy,ofalldiets,theyshouldpreferants'eggs.Ants'eggsare,Ishouldsay,theverylastthingwhichonewouldta etowithout

argument.Itmustbeanacquiredtaste,and,thisbeingso,onenaturallyas soneselfhowgoldfishcametoacquireit.

Isuppose(butIamlamentablyignorantontheseasonallothermatters)thattherewasatimewhengoldfishlivedawildfreelifeoftheirown.Theyroamedtheseaortheriver,orwhateveritwas,fightingforexistence,andNatureshowedthem,asshealwaysdoes,thefoodwhichsuitedthem.NowIhaveoftencomeacrossants'nestsinmytravels,butneverwhenswimming.Inseasandrivers,poolsandla es,Ihavewandered,butNaturehas



neverputants'eggsinmyway.Nodoubt--itwouldbeonlyright--thegoldfishhasa eenereyethanIhaveforthesethings,butiftheyhadbeenthere,shouldIhavemissedthemsocompletely?Ithin not,foriftheyhadbeenthere,theymusthavebeenthereingreatquantities.Icanimagineagoldfishslowlyacquiringthetasteforthemthroughthecenturies,butonlyifotherfoodweredeniedtohim,onlyif,whereverhewent,ants'eggs,ants'eggs,ants'eggsdrifteddownthestreamtohim.

Yet,sinceitwouldseemthathehasacquiredthetaste,itcanonlybethatthetastehascometohimwithcaptivity--hasbeenforceduponhim,Ishouldhavesaid.Theoldwildgoldfish(thisismytheory)wasamoreterriblebeastthanwethin .Givenhisproperdiet,hecouldnothavebeen eptwithinthelimitsoftheterracepool.Hewouldhavebeenunsuitedtodomesticlife;hewouldhavedraggedintheshrie ingchildassheleanttofeedhim.Astheresultofmanyexperimentsants'eggsweregivenhimto eephimthin(youcanseeforyourselfwhatabloodlessdietitis),ants'eggsweregivenhimtoquellhisspirit;andjustasaman,ifhehassufficientcolds,cangetupapassionevenforammoniatedquinine,sothegoldfishhasgrownincaptivitytowelcometheonce-hatedomelette.

Letusconsidernowthecaseofthegoldfishinthehouse.His

dietisthesame,buthowdifferenthissurroundings!Ifhisbowlisplacedonatableinthemiddleofthefloor,hehasbuttoflashhistailonceandhehasbeenallroundthedrawing-room.Thedrawing-roommaynotseemmuchtoyou,buttohimthisimpressionistpicturethroughthecurvedglassmustbeamazing.Letnottheoutdoorgoldfishboastofhisfreedom.Whatdoeshe,inhislittleworldofwater-lilyroots, nowofthevistauponvistawhichopenstohismorehappybrotherashepassesjauntilyfromchinadogtoottomanandfromottomantoHenry'sfather?Ah,hereislife!Itmaybethatinthecourseofyearshewillgetusedtoit,evenboredbyit;indeed,forthatreasonIalwaysadvocategivinghimaglanceatthedining-roomorthebedroomsonWednesdaysandSaturdays;buthisfirstdayinthebowlmust

betheopeningofanundreamtofheaventohim.Again,whatanadventurouslifeishis.Atanymomentacatmayclimbupandfetchhimout,achildmayupsethim,grown-upsmayneglecttofeedhimortochangehiswater.Thetemptationtota ehimupandmassagehimmustbeirresistibletooutsiders.Allthesedangersthegoldfishinthepondavoids;helivesashelteredandunexcitinglife,andwhenhewantstodiehediesunnoticed,unregretted,butforhisbrotherthetearsandthesolemnfuneral.

Yes;nowthatIhavethoughtitout,IcanseethatIwaswrongincallingtheindoorgoldfishasymbolofmid-Victorian

futility.Anarticleofthissortisnogoodifitdoesnotteachthewritersomethingaswellashisreaders.Irecognizehimnowasthesymbolofenterpriseandendurance,ofrestlessnessandPost-Impressionism.Heisnotmid-Victorian,heisFifthGeorgian.

WhichisallIwanttosayaboutgoldfish.



SaturdaytoMonday

Thehappymanwouldhavehappyfacesroundhim;asadfaceisareproachtohimforhishappiness.SowhenIescapebythe2.10onSaturdayIdistributelargessewithaliberalhand.Thecabman,feelingthataneffortisrequiredofhim,mentionsthatIamthefirstgentlemanhehasmetthatday;hepenetratesmymuftiandcallsmecaptain,leavingitopenwhetherheregardsmeasaSalvationArmycaptainorthecaptainofabarge.Theportershastentothedoorofmycab;thereisalittlestrugglebetweenthemastowhoshallhavethehonourofwaitinguponme....

Insidethestationthingsgoonashappily.Theboo ing-officecler givesmeapleasantsmile;heseemstoapproveofthestationIamta ing."SomedogotoBrighton,"heimplies,"butforagentlemanli eyou--"Hepausestopointoutthatwiththistic etIcancomebac ontheTuesdayifIli e(as,betweenourselves,Ihopetodo).InexchangeforhiscourtesiesIpushhimmypaperthroughthepigeonhole.Adirtylittleboythrust

itintomycab;Ididn'twantit,butasweareallbeinghappyto-dayhehadhispenny.

Ifollowmyportertotheplatform."Ontheleft,"saysthetic etcollector.Hehassaiditmechanicallytoahundredpersons,buthebecomeshumanand indlyashesaysittome.Ifeelthathereallywishesmetogetintotherighttrain,tohaveapleasantjourneydown,tobewelcomedheartilybymyfriendswhenIarrive.Itisnotastooneofamobbuttoanindividualthathespea s.

Theporterhasfoundmeanemptycarriage.Heisfullofideasformycomfort;hetellsmewhichwaythetrainwillstart,where

westop,andwhenwemaybeexpectedtoarrive.AmIsureIwouldn'tli emybaginthevan?Canhegetmeanypapers?No;no,than s.Idon'twanttoread.Igivehimsixpence,andthereisanotheroneofushappy.

Presentlytheguard.HealsoseemspleasedthatIhaveselectedthisoneparticularstationfromamongsomany.Pleased,butnotastonished;heexpecteditofme.Itisaverygoodrundowninhistrain,andheshouldn'tbesurprisedifwehadafinewee -end....

Istandatthedoorofraycarriagefeelingveryhappy.ItisgoodtogetoutofLondon.Cometothin ofit,weareall

gettingoutofLondon,andnoneofusisgoingtodoanywor

to-morrow.Howjolly!Oh,butwhataboutmyporter?Bother!IwishnowI'dgivenhimmorethansixpence.Still,hemayhaveasweetheartandbehappythatway.

Weareoff.Ihavenothingtoread,butthenIwanttothin .Itistheidealplaceinwhichtothin ,arailwaycarriage;theidealplaceinwhichtobehappy.IwonderifIshallbeingoodformthiswee -endatcric etandtennis,andcroquetandbilliards,andalltheotherjollygamesImeantoplay.Loo at



thosechildrentryingtoplaycric etinthatdirtybac yard.Poorlittlebeggars!Fancylivinginoneofthosehorriblesqualidhouses.Butyoucannotspoilto-dayforme,littlebac yards.OnTuesdayperhaps,whenIamcomingagaintotheuglytown,yourmiserywillma ememiserable;Ishallas myselfhopelesslywhatitallmeans;butjustnowIamtoohappyforpity.Afterall,whyshouldIassumethatyouenvyme,youtwochildrenswingingonagateandwavingtome?Youarehappy,aren'tyou?Ofcourse;weareallhappyto-day.See,Iamwavingbac toyou.

Myeyeswanderroundthecarriageandrestonmybag.HaveIputeverythingin?OfcourseIhave.ThenwhythisuneasyfeelingthatIhaveleftsomethingveryimportantout?Well,Icansoonsettlethequestion.Let'sstartwithto-night.Eveningclothes--they'rein,I now.Shirts,collars...

Igothroughthewholeprogrammeforthewee -end,allottingmyselfinmymindsuitableclothesforeachoccasion.Yes;IseemtohavebroughteverythingthatIcanpossiblywant.ButwhataveryjollyprogrammeIamdrawingupformyself!Willitreallybeasdelightfulasthat?Well,itwaslasttime,andthetimebefore;thatiswhyIamsohappy.

ThetraindrawsupatitsonlyhaltintheglowofaSeptembermid-afternoon.Thereisalittlepleasantbustle;nicepeoplegetoutandnicepeoplemeetthem;everybodyseemsverycheeryandcontented.Thenweareoffagain...andnowthenextstationismine.

Wearethere.Aporterta esmythingswitha indlysmileanda"Niceday."IseeBrantoutsidewiththewagonette,notthetrap;thenIamnottheonlyguestcomingbythistrain.Whoaretheothers,Iwonder.AnybodyI now?...Why,yes,it'sBobandMrs.Bob,and--hallo!--Cynthia!Andisn'tthatoldAnderby?Howsplendid!Imustgetthatshillingbac fromBobthatIlosttohimatbilliardslasttime.AndifCynthiareallythin sthatshe

canplaycroquet...Wegreeteachotherhappilyandclimbintothewagonette.Neverhasthecountryloo edsolovely."No;norainatall,"saysBrant,"andtheglassisgoingup."Theporterputsourluggageinthecartandcomesroundwithasmile.Itisarottenlifebeingaporter,andIdosowanteverybodytoenjoythisafternoon.Besides,Ihaven'tanycoppers.

Isliphalfacrownintohispalm.Nowweareallvery,veryhappy.

ThePond

MyfriendAldenham'spondstandsataconvenientdistancefromthehouse,andisreachedbyawell-drainedgravelpath;sothatinanyweatheronemaywal ,aloneorincompany,dryshodtoits



brin ,andestimateroughlyhowmanyinchesofrainhavefalleninthenight.Theribaldcallitthehippopotamuspond,tracingaresemblancebetweenitandthebathofthehippopotamusattheZoo,beneaththewatersofwhich,ifyouparticularlydesiretopointthehippopotamusouttosomebody,healwayslieshidden.Totherestofusitis nownsimplyas"thepond"--adesignationwhichignorestheexistenceofseveralneighbouringponds,thegiftsofnature,andgivesthewholecredittothehandiwor ofman.For"thepond"isjustasmallartificialaffairofcement,entirelyunpretentious.

Therearesevenstepstothebottomofthepond,andeachstepis10in.high.Thusthestepshelptoma ethepondaconvenientrain-gauge;forobviouslywhenonlythreestepsareleftuncovered,aswasthecaselastMonday,you nowthattherehavebeen40in.ofrainsincelastmonth,whenthepondbegantofill.Tostrangersthismayseemsurprising,anditisonlyfairtotellthemthegreatsecret,whichisthatmuchofthesurroundinglanddrainssecretlyintothepondtoo.Thisseemstometogiveamuchfairerindicationoftherainthathasfallenthandotheofficialfiguresinthenewspapers.Forwhenyourwholeday'scric ethasbeenspoilt,itisperfectlyabsurdtobetoldthat.026ofaninchofrainhasdonethedamage;thesoulyearnsforsomethingmorestartlingthanthatTherecordofthe

pond,thattherehasbeenanother5in.,soothesus,wheretherecordoftheordinarypedanticrain-gaugewouldleaveusinfuriated.Itspea smuchformyfriendAldenham'sbreadthofviewthatheunderstoodthis,andplannedthepondaccordingly.

Amostnecessarythinginacountryhouseisthatthereshouldbearecognizedmeeting-place,wherethepeoplewhohavebeenwritingafewlettersafterbrea fastmay,whentheyhavefinished,meetthosewhohavenointentionofwritingany,andarrangeplanswiththemforthemorning.Iamoneofthosewhocannotwritelettersinanotherman'shouse,andwhenmypipeiswellalightIsaytoMissRobinson--orwhoeveritmaybe--"Let'sgoandloo atthepond.""Rightoh,"shesayswillinglyenough,

havingspentthelastquarterofanhourwithTheTimesFinancialSupplement,allofthepaperthatislefttothewomeninthefirstrushforthecric etnews.Wewanderdowntothepondtogether,andperhapsfindBrownandMissSmiththere."Alotofraininthenight,"saysBrown."Itwasonlyjustoverthethirdstepafterlunchyesterday."Wehavealittleargumentaboutit,MissRobinsonbeingconvincedthatshestoodonthesecondstepafterbrea fast,andMissSmithrepeatingthatitloo sexactlythesametoherthismorning.Byandbytwoorthreeothersstrollup,andweallma emeasurementstogether.Thegeneralopinionisthattherehasbeenalotofraininthenight,andthat43in.inthreewee smustbearecord.But,anyhow,itisfairlyfinenow,andwhataboutalittlelawntennis?Orgolf?Or

croquet?Or---?Andsothearrangementsforthemorningaremade.

Andtheycanbemademorereadilyoutofdoors;for--supposingitisfine--thefreshaircallsyoutobedoingsomething,andthesightofthenewlymar edtennislawnfillsyouwiththoughtsofrevengeforyouraccidentaldefeattheeveningbefore.Butindoorsitissoeasytodropintoasofaafterbrea fast,and,oncetherewithallthepapers,tobedisinclinedtoleaveittilllunch-time.Amanorwomanaslazyasthismustnotberushed.Saytosuchaone,"Comeandplay,"andtheinvitation



willbedeclined.Say,"Comeandloo atthepond,"andtheworstsluggardwillnotrefusesuchgentleexercise.Andonceheisoutheisout.

Allthisforthosedelightfulsummerdayswhentherearefineintervals;butconsidertheadvantagesofthepondwhentherainstreamsdownintorrentsfrommorningtillnight.Howtiredwegetofbeingindoorsonthesedays,evenwiththebestofboo s,thepleasantestofcompanions,theeasiestofbilliardtables.Yetifourhostessweretoseeusmarchingoutwithanumbrella,howoddshewouldthin us."Whereareyouoffto?"shewouldas ,andwecouldonlyanswerlamely,"Er--Iwasjustgoingto--er--wal aboutabit."Butnowwetellherbrightly,"I'mgoingtoseethepond.Itmustbenearlyfull.Won'tyoucometoo?"Andwithanyluc shecomes.Andyou now,itevenreconcilesusalittletothesestreamingdaystoreflectthatitallgoestofillthepond.Forthereiseverbeforeourmindsthatgreatmomentinthefuturewhenthepondisatlastfull.Whatwillhappenthen?Aldenhammay now,butwehisguestsdonot.Somethin therewillbemerelyafloodoverthesurroundingpathsandthe itchengarden,butformyselfIbelievethatwearepromisedsomethingmuchbiggerthanthat.Amanwithsuchabroadandfriendlyoutloo towardsrain-gaugeswillbesuretoarrangesomethingstri ingwhenthegreatmomentarrives.Somesortof

fetewillhelptocelebrateit,Ihavenodoubt;withanopen-airplay,tan drama,orwhatnot.Atanyratewehaveeveryhopethathewillemptythepondasspeedilyaspossiblesothatwemaywatchitfillagain.

Imustsaythathehasbeenalittleluc yinhischoiceofayearforinauguratingthepond.But,allthesame,therearenow45in.ofraininit,45in.ofrainhavefalleninthelastthreewee s,andIthin thatsomethingoughttobedoneaboutit.

ASeventeenth-CenturyStory

ThereisastoryineverynameinthatfirstcolumnofTheTimes--Births,Marriages,andDeaths--downwhichweglanceeachmorning,but,unlessthenameis nowntous,wedonotbotheraboutthestoriesofotherpeople.Theyarethosenotveryinterestingpeople,ourcontemporaries.Butinacountrychurchyardanameonanoldtombstonewillsetuswonderingalittle.Whatsortoflifecametoanendthereahundredyears

ago?

Intheparishregisterweshallfindthewholehistoryofthem;whentheywereborn,whentheyweremarried,howmanychildrentheyhad,whentheydied--as eletonoftheirliveswhichwecanclothewithourfanciesandma elivingagain.Simplelives,wema ethem,inthatpleasantcountryside;"Mancomesandtillsthefieldandliesbeneath";thatisall.Simplewor ,simplepleasures,andasimpledeath.



Ofcoursewearewrong.Therewerepassionsandpainsinthoselives;tragediesperhaps.Thetombstonesandtheregisterssaynothingofthem;or,iftheysayit,itisinacyphertowhichwehavenotthe ey.Yetsometimesthe eyisalmostinourhands.Hereisastoryfromtheregisterofavillagechurch--fourentriesonly,buttheyhideatragedywhichwithalittleimaginationwecanalmostpiecetogetherforourselves.

Thefirstentryisamarriage.JohnMeadowesofLittlehawManor,bachelor,too MaryFieldtowife(bothofthisparish)on7thNovember1681.

Therewerenochildrenofthemarriage.Indeed,itonlylastedayear.Ayearlater,onl2thNovember1682,Johndiedandwasburied.

PoorMaryMeadoweswasnowaloneattheManor.Wepicturehersittingthereinherloneliness,bro en-hearted,refusingtobecomforted....

Untilwecometothethirdentry.Johnhasonlybeeninhisgraveamonth,buthereisthethirdentry,tellingusthatonl2thDecember1682,RobertCliff,bachelor,wasmarriedtoMaryMeadowes,widow.Itspoilsourpictureofher....

Andthenthefourthentry.Itisthefourthentrywhichrevealsthetragedy,whichma esuswonderwhatisthestoryhiddenawayintheparishregisterofLittlehaw--themysteryofLittlehawManor.Forhereisanotherdeath,thedeathofMaryCliff,andMaryCliffdiedon...l3thDecember1682.

Andshewasburiedinunconsecratedground.ForMaryCliff(wemustsuppose)had illedherself.Shehad illedherselfonthedayafterhermarriagetohersecondhusband.

Well,whatisthestory?Weshallhavetoma eitupforourselves.Hereismyrenderingofit.Ihavenomeansoffinding

outifitisthecorrectone,butitseemstofititselfwithinthefactsaswe nowthem.

MaryFieldwasthedaughterofwell-to-doparents,anonlychild,andthemostdesirablebride,fromtheworldlypointofview,inthevillage.Nowonder,then,thatherparents'choiceofahusbandforherfelluponthemostdesirablebridegroomofthevillage--JohnMeadowes.TheFields'landadjoinedLittlehawManor;onedaythechildofJohnandMarywouldownitall.Letamarriage,then,bearranged.

ButMarylovedRobertCliffwhole-heartedly--Robert,amanofnostandingatall.Aridiculousnotion,saidherparents,butthe

sillygirlwouldgrowoutofit.Shewasta

enbyahandsomeface.OnceshewassafelyweddedtoJohn,shewouldforgetherfoolishness.Johnmightnotbehandsome,buthewasasolid,steadyfellow;whichwasmore--muchmore,asitturnedout--thancouldbesaidforRobert.

SoJohnandMarymarried.ButshestilllovedRobert....

Didshe illherhusband?DidsheandRobert illhimtogether?Ordidsheonlyhastenhisdeathbyherneglectofhiminsome



illness?Didshedarehimtoridesomedevilofahorsewhichshe newhecouldnotmaster;didshetaunthimintosomefoolhardyfeat;ordidshedeliberately illhim--withorwithoutherlover'said?Icannotguess,butofthisIamcertain.Hisdeathwasonherconscience.Directlyorindirectlyshewasresponsibleforit--or,atanyrate,feltherselfresponsibleforit.Butshewouldnotthin ofittooclosely;shehadroomforonlyonethoughtinhermind.ShewasmistressofLittlehawManornow,andfreetomarrywhomshewished.Free,atlast,tomarryRobert.Whateverhadbeendonehadbeenworthdoingforthat.

Soshemarriedhim.Andthen--soIreadthestory--shediscoveredthetruth.Roberthadneverlovedher.HehadwantedtomarrytherichMissField,thatwasall.Stillmore,hehadwantedtomarrytherichMrs.Meadowes.Hewasquitecallousaboutit.Shemightaswell nowthetruthnowaslater.Itwouldsavetroubleinthefuture,ifshe new.

SoMary illedherself.ShehadmurderedJohnfornothing.WhateverherresponsibilityforJohn'sdeath,inthebitternessofthatdiscoveryshewouldcallitmurder.Shehadamurderonherconscienceforlove'ssa e--andtherewasnolove.WhatelsetodobutfollowJohn?...

Isthatthestory?Iwonder.

OurLearnedFriends

Idonot nowwhytheBarhasalwaysseemedthemostrespectableoftheprofessions,aprofessionwhichtheheroofalmostanynovelcouldadoptwithoutlosingcaste.Butsoitis.A

schoolmastercanbereferredtocontemptuouslyasanusher;adoctorisregardedhumorouslyasalicensedmurderer;asolicitorisalwaysretiringtogaolforma ingawaywithtrustfunds,and,inanycase,ismerelyanattorney;whileacivilservantsleepsfromtentofoureveryday,andisonlywa edupatsixtyinordertobegivenapension.Butthereisnohumorouscommenttobemadeuponthebarrister--unlessitistocallhim"mylearnedfriend."Hehasmuchmorerightthantheactortoclaimtobeamemberoftheprofession.Idon't nowwhy.Perhapsitisbecausehewal sabouttheTempleinatop-hat.

Somanyofone'sacquaintancesatsometimeorotherhave"eatendinners"thatonehardlydarestosayanythingagainstthe

profession.Besides,onenever

nowswhenonemaynotwanttobedefended.However,Ishallta etheris ,andputthebarristerinthedoc ."Gentlemenofthejury,observethiswell-dressedgentlemanbeforeyou.Whatshallwesayabouthim?"

Letusbeginbyas ingourselveswhatweexpectfromaprofession.Inthefirstplace,certainly,weexpectaliving,butIthin wewantsomethingmorethanthat.Ifwewereofferedathousandayeartowal fromCharingCrosstoBarneteveryday,reasonsofpovertymightcompelustoaccepttheoffer,butwe



shouldhardlybeproudofournewprofession.Weshouldprefertoearnathousandayearbydoingsomemoreusefulwor .Indeed,toamanofanyfinefeelingtheprofessionofBarnetwal ingwouldonlybetolerableifhecouldpersuadehimselfthatbyhisexertionshewashelpingtorevivetheneglectedartofpedestrianism,ortoma emorepopulartheneglectedbeautiesofBarnet;ifhecouldhopethat,afterhisthree-hundredthjourney,inquisitivepeoplewouldbegintofollowhim,wonderingwhathewasafter,andsocomesuddenlyupontheoldNormanchurchatthecross-roads,or,iftheymissedthis,atanyrateuponamuchbetterappetitefortheirdinner.Thatistosay,hewouldhavetopersuadehimselfthathewaswal ing,notonlyforhimself,butalsoforthecommunity.

Itseemstome,then,thataprofessionisanobleoranignobleone,accordingasitoffersordeniestohimwhopractisesittheopportunityofwor ingforsomeotherendthanhisownadvancement.Adoctorcollectsfeesfromhispatients,butheisaimingatsomethingmorethanpounds,shillings,andpence;heisouttoputanendtosuffering.Aschoolmasterearnsalivingbyteaching,buthedoesnotfeelthatheisfightingonlyforhimself;heisacrusaderonbehalfofeducation.Theartist,whateverhismedium,isgivingamessagetotheworld,expressingthetruthasheseesit;forhisownprofit,perhaps,butnotfor

thatalone.Alltheseandathousandotherwaysoflivinghavesomethingofnobilityinthem.Weenterthemfullofhighresolves.Wetellourselvesthatwewillfollowthelightasithasbeenrevealedtous;thatouridealsshallneverbelowered;thatwewillrefusetosacrificeourprinciplestoourinterests.Wefail,ofcourse.Thepainterfindsthat"Mother'sDarling"bringsinthestuff,andheturnsoutMother'sDarlingsmechanically.Thedoctorneglectsresearchandcultivatesinsteadabedsidemanner.Theschoolmasterdropsallhistheoriesofeducationandconformshastilytothoseofhisemployers.Wefail,butitisnotbecausetheprofessionisanignobleone;wehadourchances.Indeed,thelightisstillthereforthosewholoo .Itbec onstous.

NowwhatoftheBar?Isthebarristerafteranythingotherthanhisownadvancement?Hefollowswhatgleam?Whatarehisideals?Nevermindwhetherhefailsmoreoftenorlessoftenthanotherstoattainthem;Iamnotbotheringaboutthat.Ionlywantto

nowwhatitisthatheisafter.Inthequiethourswhenwearealonewithourselvesandthereisnobodytotelluswhatfinefellowsweare,wecomesometimesuponawea momentinwhichwewonder,nothowmuchmoneyweareearning,norhowfamouswearebecoming,butwhatgoodwearedoing.Ifabarristereverhassuchamoment,whatishisconsolation?ItcanonlybethatheishelpingJusticetobeadministered.Ifheistobeproudofhisprofession,andinthatlonelymomenttolerantofhimself,he

mustfeelthatheista

inganoblepartinthevindicationoflegalright,thepunishmentoflegalwrong.Buthemustdomorethanthis.Justasthedoctor,withincreased nowledgeandexperience,becomesabetterfighteragainstdisease,advancinghimself,nodoubt,butadvancingalsomedicalscience;justastheschoolmaster,havinglearntnewandbetterwaysofteaching,cannowgiveabettereducationtohisboys,increasingtherebythesumof nowledge;sothebarristermustbeabletotellhimselfthatthemoreexperthebecomesasanadvocate,thebetterwillhebeabletohelpintheadministrationofthis



Justicewhichishisideal.

Canhetellhimselfthis?Idonotseehowhecan.Hisincreasedexpertnesswillbeofincreasedservicetohimself,ofincreasedservicetohisclients,butnoidealwillbethebetterservedbyreasonofit.Letusta eacase--Smithv.Jones.CounselisbriefedforSmith.Afterexaminingthecasehetellshimselfineffectthis:"AsfarasIcansee,theLawisallontheotherside.Luc ily,however,sentimentisonourside.Givenanimpressionablejury,there'sjustachancethatwemightpullitoff.It'sworthtrying."Hetries,andifheissufficientlyexperthepullsitoff.Atriumphforhimself,butwhathashappenedtotheideal?Didheeventhin ,"OfcourseI'mboundtodothebestformyclient,buthe'sinthewrong,andIhopewelose?"Iimaginenot.ThewholeteachingoftheBaristhathemustnotbotheraboutjustice,butonlyabouthisownvictory.Whatultimately,then,isheafter?WhatdoestheBarofferitsdevotees--beyondmaterialsuccess?

Ias edjustnowwhatwereabarrister'sideals.Supposeweas

instead,Whatistheidealbarrister?Ifonespo elooselyofanidealdoctor,onewouldnotnecessarilymeanatitledgentlemaninHarleyStreet.AnidealschoolmasterisnotsynonymouswiththeHeadmasterofEtonortheownerofthemostprofitable

preparatoryschool.Butcantherebeanidealbarristerotherthanasuccessfulbarrister?Theeageryoungwriter,justbeginningaliterarycareer,mightfixhiseyesuponFrancisThompsonratherthanuponSirHallCaine;theeageryoungclergymanmightdreamdreamsovertheLifeofFatherDamienmoreoftenthanovertheLifeoftheArchbishopofCanterbury;buttowhatstarcantheeageryoungbarristerhitchhiswagon,savetothestarofmaterialsuccess?IfhedoesnotseehimselfasSirEdwardCarson,itisonlybecausehethin sthatperhapsafterallSirJohnSimon'smanneristhemoreeffective.

TheremaybeotheranswerstothequestionsIhaveas edthantheanswersIhavegiven,butitisnoanswertoas mehowthelaw

canbeadministeredwithoutbarristers.Idonot

now;nordoI nowhowtheroadscanbesweptwithoutgettingsomebodytosweepthem.Butthatwouldnotdisqualifymefromsayingthatroad-sweepingwasanunattractiveprofession.SoalsoIamentitledtomyopinionabouttheBar,whichisthis.Thatbecauseitoffersmaterialvictoriesonlyandneverspiritualones,thatbecausetherecanbenostandardbywhichitsdisciplesarejudgedsavetheearthlystandard,thatbecausethereisnoplacewithinitsran sforthealtruistortheidealist--forthesereasonstheBarisnotoneofthenobleprofessions.

AWordforAutumn

Lastnightthewaiterputtheceleryonwiththecheese,andI newthatsummerwasindeeddead.Othersignsofautumntheremaybe--thereddeningleaf,thechillintheearly-morningair,themistyevenings--butnoneofthesecomeshometomesotruly.



TheremaybecoolmorningsinJuly;inayearofdroughttheleavesmaychangebeforetheirtime;itisonlywiththefirstcelerythatsummerisover.

I newallalongthatitwouldnotlast.EveninAprilIwassayingthatwinterwouldsoonbehere.Yetsomehowithadbeguntoseempossiblelatelythatamiraclemighthappen,thatsummermightdriftonandonthroughthemonths--afinalupheavaltocrownawonderfulyear.Thecelerysettledthat.Lastnightwiththeceleryautumncameintoitsown.

ThereisacrispnessaboutcelerythatisoftheessenceofOctober.Itisasfreshandcleanasarainydayafteraspellofheat.Itcrac lespleasantlyinthemouth.Moreoveritisexcellent,Iamtold,forthecomplexion.Oneisalwayshearingofthingswhicharegoodforthecomplexion,butthereisnodoubtthatcelerystandshighonthelist.Aftertheburnsandfrec lesofsummeroneisinneedofsomething.Howgoodthatceleryshouldbethereatone'selbow.

Awee ago--("Alittlemorecheese,waiter")--awee agoIgrievedforthedyingsummer.IwonderedhowIcouldpossiblybearthewaiting--theeightlongmonthstillMay.InvaintocomfortmyselfwiththethoughtthatIcouldgetthroughmore

wor

inthewinterundistractedbythoughtsofcric

etgroundsandcountryhouses.Invain,equally,totellmyselfthatIcouldstayinbedlaterinthemornings.Eventhethoughtofafter-brea fastpipesinfrontofthefireleftmecold.Butnow,suddenly,Iamreconciledtoautumn.Iseequiteclearlythatallgoodthingsmustcometoanend.Thesummerhasbeensplendid,butithaslastedlongenough.ThismorningIwelcomedthechillintheair;thismorningIviewedthefallingleaveswithcheerfulness;andthismorningIsaidtomyself,"Why,ofcourse,I'llhaveceleryforlunch."("Morebread,waiter.")"Seasonofmistsandmellowfruitfulness,"saidKeats,notactuallypic ingoutceleryinsomanywords,butplainlyincludingitinthegeneralblessingsoftheautumn.Yetwhatanopportunityhe

missedbynotconcentratingonthatpreciousroot.Apples,grapes,nuts,andvegetablemarrowshementionsspecially--andhowpooraselection!Forapplesandgrapesarenottypicalofanymonth,soubiquitousarethey,vegetablemarrowsarevegetablespourrireandhavenoplaceinanyseriousconsiderationoftheseasons,whileasfornuts,havewenotanationalsongwhichassertsdistinctly,"HerewegogatheringnutsinMay"?Seasonofmistsandmellowcelery,thenletitbe.Apatofbutterunderneaththebough,awedgeofcheese,aloafofbreadand--Thou.

Howdelicatearethetendershootsunfoldedlayerbylayer.Ofwhat,awhitenessisthelastbabyoneofall,ofwhata

sweetnesshisflavour.Itiswellthatthisshouldbethelastriteofthemeal--finiscoronatopus--sothatwemaygostraightontothebusinessofthepipe.Celerydemandsapiperatherthanacigar,anditcanbeeatenbetterinaninnoraLondontavernthaninthehome.Yes,anditshouldbeeatenalone,foritistheonlyfoodwhichonereallywantstohearoneselfeat.Besides,incompanyonemayhavetoconsiderthewantsofothers.Celeryisnotathingtosharewithanyman.Aloneinyourcountryinnyoumaycallforthecelery;butifyouarewiseyouwillseethatnoothertravellerwandersintotheroom.Ta e



warningfromonewhohaslearntalesson.OnedayIlunchedaloneataninn,finishingwithcheeseandcelery.Anothertravellercameinandlunchedtoo.Wedidnotspea --Iwasbusywithmycelery.Fromtheotherendofthetablehereachedacrossforthecheese.Thatwasallright;itwasthepubliccheese.Buthealsoreachedacrossforthecelery--myprivateceleryforwhichIowed.Foolishly--you nowhowonedoes--Ihadleftthesweetestandcrispestshootstillthelast,tantalizingmyselfpleasantlywiththethoughtofthem.Horror!toseethemsnatchedfrommebyastranger.Herealizedlaterwhathehaddoneandapologized,butofwhatgoodisanapologyinsuchcircumstances?Yetatleastthetragedywasnotwithoutitsvalue.Nowonerememberstoloc thedoor.

Yes,Icanfacethewinterwithcalm.IsupposeIhadforgottenwhatitwasreallyli e.Ihadbeenthin ingofthewinterasahorridwet,drearytimefitonlyforprofessionalfootball.NowIcanseeotherthings--crispandspar lingdays,longpleasantevenings,cheeryfires.Goodwor shallbedonethiswinter.Lifeshallbelivedwell.Theendofthesummerisnottheendoftheworld.Here'stoOctober--and,waiter,somemorecelery.

AChristmasNumber

Thecommonjo eagainsttheChristmasnumberisthatitisplannedinJulyandmadeupinSeptember.ThisenablesittobepublishedinthemiddleofNovemberandcirculatedinNewZealandbyChristmas.IfitwerepublishedinEnglandatChristmas,NewZealandwouldn'tgetittillFebruary.Apparentlyitismoreimportantthatthecoloniesshouldhaveitpunctuallythanthatweshould.

Anyway,wheneveritismadeup,alljournalistshatetheChristmasnumber.Buttheyonlyhateitforonereason--thisbeingthattheordinarywee lynumberhastobemadeupatthesametime.AsajournalistIshouldli etodevotetheautumnexclusivelytotheChristmasnumber,andasamemberofthepublicIshouldadoreitwhenitcameout.Nothavingbeenas edtoproducesuchanumberonmyownIcanamusemyselfherebys etchingoutaplanforit.Ifollowthefineoldtradition.Firstletusgetthestoriessettled.StoryNo.1dealswiththeescapedconvict.Theheroineisdrivingbac fromthecountry-houseball,whereshehashadtwoorthreeproposals,whensuddenly,inthemostlonelypartofthesnow-sweptmoor,a

figurespringsoutoftheditchandcoversthecoachmanwithapistol.Alarmsandconfusions."Oh,sir,"saystheheroine,"sparemyauntandIwillgiveyouallmyjewels."Theconvict,forsuchitis,staggersbac ."Lucy!"hecries."Harold!"shegasps.Theauntsaysnothing,forshehasswooned.AtthispointthestorystopstoexplainhowHaroldcametobein

nic erboc ers.Hehadeitherbeenfalselyaccusedorelsehehadbeenasolicitor.Anyhow,hehadbythistimemorethanpaidforhisfolly,andLucystilllovedhim."Getin,"shesays,anddriveshimhome.NextdayheleavesforNewZealandinan



ordinaryloungesuit.NeedIsaythatLucyjoinshimlater?No;thatshallbeleftforyourimagination.TheEnd.

Somuchforthefirststory.Thesecondisan"i'-faith-and-stap-me"storyofthegoodolddays.Itisnotseasonable,formostoftheactionta esplaceinmylord'sgardenamidthescentofroses;butitbringsbac toustheoldromanticdayswhenfightingandswearingweremorepicturesquethantheyarenow,andwhenwomenlovedandwor edsamplers.ThissortofstorycanbereadbestinfrontoftheChristmaslog;itisofthepast,andcomesnaturallyintoaChristmasnumber.Ishallnotdescribeitsplot,forthatisunimportant;itisthe"stapme's"andthe"la,sirs,"whichmatter.ButImaysaythatshemarrieshimallrightintheend,andhegoesoffhappilytothewars.

Wewantanotherstory.Whatshallthisonebeabout?Itmightbeabouttheamateurburglar,orthelittlechildwhoreconciledoldSirJohntohisdaughter'smarriage,ortheghostatEnderbyGrange,orthemillionaire'sChristmasdinner,ortheaccidenttotheScotchexpress.Personally,Idonotcareforanyofthese;myvotegoesforthedesert-islandstory.ProudLadyJuliahasfallenoffthedec oftheliner,andRonald,refusedbyherthatmorning,divesoffthehurricanedec --orthebowspritor

whereverhehappenstobe--andseizesherassheissin

ingforthethirdtime.Itisafoggynightandtheirabsenceisunnoticed.Dawnfindsthemtogetheronalittlecoralreef.Theyareinnodanger,forseverallinersareduetopassinadayortwoandRonald'spoc etsarefullofbiscuitsandchocolate,butitisaw wardforLadyJulia,whohadhopedthattheywouldnevermeetagain.Sotheysitonthebeachbac tobac (drawnbyDanaGibson)andthrowsarcasticremar sovertheirshouldersateachother.Intheendhetamesherproudspirit--Ithin byhidingtheturtles'eggsfromher--andthenextlinerbutoneta esthehappycouplebac tocivilization.

Butitistimewehadsomepoetry.Iproposetogiveyouone

seriouspoemaboutrobins,andonedouble-pagehumorouspiece,wellillustratedincolours.Ithin thehumorousversesmustdealwithhunting.Huntingdoesnotlenditselftohumour,forthereareonlytwohuntingjo es--thejo eofthehorsewhichcamedownatthebroo andthejo eoftheCoc neywhooverrodehounds;buttherearetraditionsto eepup,andtheartistalwayslovesit.Sofarwehavenotconsideredtheartistsufficiently.Letusgivehimfourfullpages.Oneofprettygirlshangingupmistletoe,oneofthesquireandhisfamilygoingtochurchinthesnow,oneofabro endowncoachwithhighwaymencomingoverthehill,andoneofthepostmanbringingloadsandloadsofparcels.YouhaveallChristmasinthosefourpictures.Butthereisroomforanotherpage--letitbea

colouredpage,ofhalfadozens

etches,theperiodandtheletteringveryearlyEnglish."YeBarondeMarcheban escallethforhysvarlet.""Yevarletcomethrightehastilie---"You nowthedelightful indofthing.

IconfessthatthisisthesortofChristmasnumberwhichIlove.Youmaysaythatyouhaveseenitallbefore;IsaythatthatiswhyIloveit.ThebestofChristmasisthatitremindsusofotherChristmases;itshouldbetheboastofChristmasnumbersthattheyremindusofotherChristmasnumbers.



ButthoughIdoubtifIshallgetquitewhatIwantfromanyonenumberthisyear,yettherewillsurelybeenoughinallthenumberstobringChristmasverypleasantlybeforetheeyes.InadullNovemberoneli estoberemindedthatChristmasiscoming.ItisperhapsaswellthatthedemandsofthecoloniesgiveusourChristmasnumberssoearly.AtthesametimeitisdifficulttoseewhyNewZealandwantsaChristmasnumberatall.AsIglanceaboveattheplanofmymodelpaperIfeelmorethaneverhowadorableitwouldbe--butnot,ohnotwiththethermometeratahundredintheshade.

NoFlowersbyRequest

Ifastatementisuntrue,itisnotthemorerespectablebecauseithasbeensaidinLatin.Weowethewar,directly,nodoubt,totheKaiser,butindirectlytotheRomanidiotwhosaid,"Sivispacem,parabellum."HavingmislaidmyDictionaryofQuotationsI

cannotgiveyouhisname,butIhavemymoneyonhimasthegreatestmurdererinhistory.

YettherehavealwaysbeenpeoplewhowouldquotethisclassicallieasifitwereatleastasauthoritativeasanythingsaidintheSermonontheMount.Itwassaidalongtimeago,andinastrangelanguage--thatwasenoughforthem.Inthesamewaytheywillsay,"Demortuisnilnisibonum."ButIwarnthemsolemnlythatitwillta eagooddealmorethanthistostopmefromsayingwhatIwanttosayabouttherecentlyexpiredmonthofFebruary.

IhavewaitedpurposelyuntilFebruarywasdead.Cynicsmaysay

thatthiswasonlywisdom,inthatadamnatorynoticefrommemighthaveinspiredthatunhappymonthtoanunusuallybrilliantrun,outofsheerwilfulness.Iprefertothin thatitwasgoodmannerswhichforbademetobedisrespectfultoherveryface.Itisbadmannerstospea thetruthtotheliving,butFebruaryisdead.Demortuisnilnisiveritas.

ThetruthaboutpoorFebruaryisthatsheistheworstmonthoftheyear.Butletusbefairtoher.Shehasneverhadachance.Wecannotsaytoher,"Loo uponthispictureandonthis.Thisyoumighthavebeen;thisyouare."Thereisno"mighthavebeen"forher,noidealFebruary.TheperfectJunewecanimagineforourselves.PersonallyIdonotmindhowhotitbe,buttheremust

beplentyofstrawberries.TheperfectApril--ah,onedarenotthin oftheperfectApril.Thatcanonlyhappeninthenextworld.YetAprilmayalwaysbestrivingforit,thoughsheneverreachit.ButtheperfectFebruary--whatisit?I nownot.LetuspityFebruary,then,evenwhileweblameher.

ForFebruarycomesjustwhenwearesic ofwinter,andthereforeshemaynotbewintry.Wishingtodoherbest,sheventuresherspringcostume,crocusandprimroseanddaffodildays;dayswhenthefirstfaintperfumeofmintisblowndownthebreezes,and



onebeginstowonderhowthelambsareshaping.IsthattheidealFebruary?Ahno!Forwecannotbedeceived.We nowthatspringisnothere;thatMarchistocomewithitsfrostsandperchanceitssnows,aworseMarchforthemilderFebruary,aplungebac

intothewinterwhichpoorFebruarytriedtoflatteruswasover.

SuchaFebruaryisamurderer--anaccessorytothemurdersofMarch.Shelaystheground-baitforthevictims.Outpopthestupidlittleflowers,eagertobedeceived(onecouldforgivetheannuals,buttheperennialsoughtto nowbetterbynow),anddowncomesMarch,aroaringlion,togobblethemup.

AndhowmuchlostfruitdowenotowetoFebruary!Onefeels--alaymanli emyselffeels--thatitshouldbeenoughtohaveastrawberry-bed,apeach-tree,afig-tree.Ifthesearenotenough,thentheadditionofagardenershouldma ethethingacertainty.Yethowoftenwillnotagardenerreferonebac toFebruaryastherealculprit.Thetreeblossomedtooearly;thelatefrosts illedit;intheannoyanceofthemomentonemayreproachthegardenerforallowingittoblossomsoprematurely,butonecannotabsolveFebruaryofallblame.

Itisnogood,then,forFebruarytotrytobespring;nohopeforhertopleaseusbyprolongingwinter.Whatislefttoher?

Shecannotevengiveusthepleasureofthehairshirt.DidAprilfollowher,shecouldma ethejoysofthatwonderfulmontheven eenerforusbythecontrast,but--sheisfollowedbyMarch.WhatcanonedowithMarch?Onedoesnotwearahair-shirtmerelytoenjoythepleasureoffollowingitbyoneslightlylesshairy.

Well,wemayagreethatFebruaryisnogood."Oh,tobeoutofEnglandnowthatFebruary'shere,"iswhatBrowningshouldhavesaid.Onehasnouseforherinthiscountry.PopeGregory,orwhoeveritwasthatarrangedthecalendar,musthavehadinfluentialrelationsinEnglandwhourgedonhimtheneedforma ingFebruarytheshortestmonthoftheyear.LetusbegratefultoHisHolinessthathewassopersuaded.Hewasa

littleobstinateaboutLeapYear;amoreimaginativepontiffwouldhavegiventheextradaytoApril;buthewasamenableenoughforamanwhoonlyhadhisrelations'wordforit.EveryfirstofMarchIraisemyglasstoGregory.EvenasaboyIusedtodrin oneofhispowderstohimataboutthistimeoftheyear.

Februaryfill-dy e!Well,that'sallthatcanbesaidforit.

TheUnfairnessofThings

Themostinterestingcolumninanypaper(alwaysexceptingthosewhichIwritemyself)isthatentitled"TheWorld'sPress,"whereinonemayobservetheworldasitappearstoapressofwhichonehasforthemostpartneverheard.ItisinthiscolumnthatIhavejustmadetheacquaintanceofTheShoeManufacturers'Monthly,thejournaltowhichtheelectturneagerlyuponeach



newmoon.(Itsone-timerival,TheFootwearFortnightly,has,Iamtold,quitelostitsfollowing.)ThebonmotofthecurrentnumberofTheS.M.M.isanotetotheeffectthatKaffirshaveaspecialfondnessforbootswhichma eanoise.Iquotethissimplyasanexcuseforreferringtotheoldproblemofthesquea ybootsandthesquea ycollar;theproblem,infact,oftheunfairnessofthings.

Themajorsandclubmenwhoassisttheircountrywithcolumnsofadviceonclotheshaveoftentriedtoexplainwhyacollarsquea s,buthaveneverdonesotothesatisfactionofanymanofintelligence.Theysaythatthecollaristoolargeortoosmall,toodirtyortooclean.Theysaythatifyouhaveyourcollarsmadeforyou(li eagentleman)youwillbeallright,butthatifyoubuythecheap,ready-madearticle,whatcanyouexpect?Theysaythatalittlesoapontheoutsideoftheshirt,oralittlesomethingontheinsideofsomethingelse,thatthis,that,andtheotherwillabatethenuisance.Theyarequitewrong.

Thesimpletruth,andeverybody nowsitreally,isthatcollarssquea forsomepeopleandnotforothers.Asquea ycollarroundthenec ofamanisacomment,notuponthecollar,butupontheman.Thatmanisunluc y.Thingsareagainsthim.Naturemayhave

doneallforhimthatshecould,havegivenhimahandsomeoutsideandanobleinside,buttheworldofinanimateobjectsisagainsthim.

Weall nowthemanwhomchildrenordogsloveinstinctively.Itisararegifttobeabletoinspirethisaffection.TheFateshavebeen indtohim.Buttoinspiretheaffectionofinanimatethingsissomethinggreater.Themantowhomacollarorawindowsashta esinstinctivelyisamanwhomaytrulybesaidtohaveluc onhisside.Considerhimforamoment.Hiscollarneversquea s;hisclothesta eadelightinfittinghim.Atadinner-partyhewal sasbyinstinctstraighttohisseat,whattimeyouandIaredraggingourpartnersroundandroundthetablein

searchofourcards.Thewindowsoftaxicabsopentohimeasily.Whenhetravelsbytrainhisluggagewor sitswaytothefrontofthevanandisthefirsttojumpoutatPaddington.Stringhastenstoundoitselfwhenheapproaches;heistheonlymanwhocanma eadecentimpressionwithsealing-wax.Ifheisas edbythehostessinacrowdeddrawing-roomtoringthebell,thatbellcomesoutfrombehindthesofawhereithidfromusandplacesitselfinaconvenientspotbeforehiseyes.Asparagusstiffensitselfatsightofhim,macaroniwindsitselfroundhisfor .

YouwillobservethatIamnotdescribingjusttheordinaryluc yman.HemaylosethousandsontheStoc Exchange;hemaybejilted;wheneverhegoestotheOvaltoseeHobbs,Hobbsmaybe

outfirstball;hemayinvariablygetmixedupinrailwayaccidents.Thatisa indofill-luc whichonecanbear,notindeedwithoutgrumbling,butwithoutrancour.Themanwhoisunluc ytoexperiencethesethingsatleasthastheconsolationofotherpeople'ssympathy;butthemanwhoisthebuttofinanimatethingshasnoone'ssympathy.Wemaybeonamotorbuswhichoverturnsandnobodywillsaythatitisourfault,butifourcollardeliberatelyandmaliciouslysquea s,everybodywillsaythatweoughttobuybettercollars;ifourdinnercardshidefromus,orthestringofourparcelwor sitselfinto nots,we



arecalledclumsy;ourasparagusandmacaronigiveusareputationforbadmanners;ourluggagegetsusanamefordilatoriness.

Ithin we,weothers,havearighttocomplain.Howeverluc ywemaybeinotherways,ifwehavenotthisluc ofinanimatethingswehavearighttocomplain.Itispleasant,Iadmit,towinÂ£500ontheStoc Exchangebyastro eofsheergoodfortune,butevenintheblueofthisthereisacloud,forthenextÂ£500thatwewinbyastro eofshrewdbusinesswillcertainlybeputdowntoluc .Luc isgiventhecreditofalloursuccesses,buttheothermanisgiventhecreditofallhisluc .Thatiswhywehavearighttocomplain.

Idonot nowwhythingsshouldconspireagainstaman.Perhapsthereissomejusticeinit.Itispossible--nay,probable--thatthemanwhomthingsloveishatedbyanimalsandchildren--evenbyhisfellow-men.Certainlyheishatedbyme.Indeed,themoreIthin ofhim,themoreIseethatheisnotanicemaninanyway.Thegodshaveneglectedhim;hehasnogoodqualities.Heisaworm.Nowonder,then,thatthissmallcompensationisdoledouttohim--thegiftofgettingonwithinanimatethings.Thisgiveshim(withtheunthin ing)acertainreputationforreadinessanddexterity.Ifeveryoumeetamanwithsucha

reputation,youwill

nowwhathereallyis.CircumstancesconnectedwiththehouratwhichIrosethismorningordainedthatIshouldwritethisarticleinadressing-gown.Ishallnowputonacollar.Ihopeitwillsquea .

Daffodils

Theconfession-boo ,Isuppose,hasdisappeared.ItistwentyyearssinceIhaveseenone.AsaboyItoldsomeinquisitiveownerwhatwasmyfavouritefood(porridge,Ifancy),myfavouriteheroinreallifeandinfiction,myfavouritevirtueinwoman,andsoforth.Iwasaboy,anditdidn'treallymatterwhatweremyli esanddisli esthen,forIwasboundtooutgrowthem.ButHeavenhelpthejournalistofthosedayswhohadtosignhisnametoopinionssodefinite!Forwhenawriterhassaidinprint(asIamgoingtosaydirectly)thatthedaffodilishisfavouriteflower,simplybecause,loo ingroundhisroomforinspiration,hehasseenabowlofdaffodilsonhistableandthoughtitbeautiful,itwouldbehardonhimifsomeconfession-

album-ownerweretoexposehiminthefollowingissueasalreadycommittedonoathtotheviolet.Imaginativeartwouldbecomeimpossible.FortunatelyIhavenocommitments,andImayaffirmthatthedaffodilis,andalwayshasbeen,myfavouriteflower.Manypeoplewillputtheirmoneyontherose,butitisimpossiblethattherosecangivethemthepleasurewhichthedaffodilgivesthem,justasitisimpossiblethatathousandpoundscangiveRoc efellerthepleasurewhichitgivesyouorme.Forthedaffodilcomes,notonlybeforetheswallowcomes--whichisamatterofindifference,asnobodythin sanytheworse



oftheswallowinconsequence--butbeforeallthemanyflowersofsummer;itcomesontheheelsofaflowerlesswinter.WherebyitisassuperiortotheroseasanoasisintheSaharaistochampagneatawedding.

Yes,afavouriteflowermustbeaspringflower--thereisnodoubtaboutthat.Youhaveyourchoice,then,ofthedaffodil,theviolet,theprimrose,andthecrocus.Thebluebellcomestoolate,thecowslipisbutanindifferentprimrose;cameliasandanemonesandalltheotherswhichoccurtoyoucomeintoadifferentclass.Well,then,willyouchoosethevioletorthecrocus?OrwillyoufollowthelegendaryDisraeliandhaveprimrosesonyourstatue?

IwriteasonewhospendsmostofhislifeinLondon,andformetheviolet,theprimrose,andthecrocusarelac inginthesamenecessaryquality--theypic badly.Myfavouriteflowermustadornmyhouse;toshowitselfofftothebestadvantagewithindoorsitmusthavealongstal .Acrocus,leastofall,isaflowertobepluc ed.Iadmititscharmasthefirsthintofspringthatisvouchsafedtousinthepar s,butIwantitnearerhomethanthat.Youcannotpic acrocusandputitinwater;norcanyoubesocruelastospoiltheprimroseandthevioletbyta ingthemfromtheirnaturalsetting;butthe

daffodilcriesaloudtobepic

ed.Itiswhatitiswaitingfor."Longstal s,please."Who,beingcommandedbyhisladytobringinflowersforthehouse,hasnotreceivedthiswarning?Andwasthereeverastal toequalthedaffodil'sforlengthandfirmnessandbeauty?Otherflowersmusthavefoliagetosetthemoff,butdaffodilscanstandbythemselvesinabowl,andtheirgreenandyellowdressbringsallspringintotheroom.Ahousewithdaffodilsinitisahouselitup,whetherornothesunbeshiningoutside.Daffodilsinagreenbowl--andletitsnowifitwill.

Wordsworthwroteapoemaboutdaffodils.Hewrotepoemsabout

mostflowers.Ifaplantwouldbeuniqueitmustbeonewhichhadneverinspiredhimtosong.Buthedidnotwriteaboutdaffodilsinabowl.ThedaffodilswhichIcelebratearestationary;Wordsworth'slivedontheban sofUllswater,andflutteredandtossedtheirheadsanddancedinthebreeze.Hehintsthatintheircompanyevenhemighthavebeenjocose--aterrifyingthought,whichma esmehappiertohaveminesafelyindoors.Whenhefirstsawthemthere(sohesays)hegazedandgazedandlittlethoughtwhatwealththeshowtohimhadbrought.Strictlyspea ing,ithadn'tbroughthiminanythingatthemoment,buthemusthave nownfromhispreviousexperienceswiththedaisyandthecelandinethatitwasgoodforacertainamount.

AsimpledaffodiltohimWassomuchmatterforaslimVolumeattwoandfour.

Youmaysay,ofcourse,thatIaminnobettercase,butthenIhaveneverreproachedotherpeople(ashedid)forthin ingofaprimrosemerelyasaprimrose.

ButwhetheryoupreferthemmywayorWordsworth's--indoorsoroutdoors--willma enodifferenceinthisfurthermattertowhich



finallyIcallyourattention.Wasthereeveramorebeautifulnameintheworldthandaffodil?Sayitovertoyourself,andthensay"agapanthus"or"chrysanthemum,"oranythingelseyouplease,andtellmeifthedaffodilsdonothaveit.

Pansies,lilies, ingcups,daisies,Letthemliveupontheirpraises;Longasthere'sasunthatsets,Primroseswillhavetheirglory;LongastherearevioletsTheywillhaveaplaceinstory;Butforflowersmybowlstofill,Givemejustthedaffodil.

AsWordsworthoughttohavesaid.

AHouseholdBoo

OnceonatimeIdiscoveredSamuelButler;nottheothertwo,buttheonewhowroteTheWayofAllFlesh,thesecond-bestnovelin

theEnglishlanguage.Isaythesecond-best,sothat,ifyouremindmeofTomJonesorTheMayorofCasterbridgeoranyotherthatyoufancy,Icansaythat,ofcourse,thatoneisthebest.Well,Idiscoveredhim,justasVoltairediscoveredHaba u ,oryourlittleboydiscoveredSha espearetheotherday,andIcommittedmydiscoverytotheworldintwoglowingarticles.Notunnaturallytheworldremainedunmoved.It newallaboutSamuelButler.

Lastwee IdiscoveredaFrenchman,ClaudeTillier,whowroteintheearlypartoflastcenturyaboo calledMonOncleBenjamin,whichmaybefreelytranslatedMyUncleBenjamin.(Ireaditinthetranslation.)EagerasIamtobelyricalaboutit,Ishall

refrain.Ithin

thatIamprobablysaferwithTillierthanwithButler,butIdarenotris it.Thethoughtofyourscornatmypreviousignoranceoftheworld-famousTillier,youramusedcontemptbecauseIhaveonlyjustsucceededinborrowingtheclassicuponwhichyouwerebroughtup,thisistoomuchforme.Letussaynomoreaboutit.ClaudeTillier--whohasnotheardofClaudeTillier?MononcleBenjamin--whohasnotreadit,inFrenchor(asIdid)inAmerican?Letuspassontoanotherboo .

ForIamgoingtospea ofanotherdiscovery;ofaboo whichshouldbeaclassic,butisnot;ofaboo ofwhichnobodyhasheardunlessthroughme.Itwaspublishedsometwelveyearsago,thelast-publishedboo ofawell- nownwriter.WhenItellyou

hisnameyouwillsay,"Ohyes!ILOVEhisboo

s!"andyouwillmentionSO-AND-SO,anditsequallyfamoussequelSUCH-AND-SUCH.ButwhenIas youifyouhavereadMYboo ,youwillprofesssurprise,andsaythatyouhaveneverheardofit."IsitasgoodasSO-AND-SOandSUCH-AND-SUCH?"youwillas ,hardlybelievingthatthiscouldbepossible."Muchbetter,"Ishallreply--andthere,ifthesethingswerearrangedproperly,wouldbeanothertenpercent,inmypoc et.But,believeme,Ishallbequitecontentwithyourgratitude.Well,thewriterofmyboo isKennethGrahame.Youhaveheardofhim?Good,Ithoughtso.The



Lunch

Foodisasubjectofconversationmorespirituallyrefreshingeventhantheweather,forthenumberofpossibleremar sabouttheweatherislimited,whereasoffoodyoucantal onandonandon.Moreover,noheatofcontroversyisinducedbymentionoftheatmosphericconditions(seeingthatweareallagreedastowhatisagooddayandwhatisabadone),andwheretherecanbenocontroversytherecanbenointimacyinagreement.Buttastesinfooddiffersosharply(ashasbeenwellsaidinLatinand,Ibelieve,alsoinFrench)thatapronouncedagreementinthemisofallbondsofunionthemostintimate.Thus,ifamanhatestapiocapuddingheisagoodfellowandmyfriend.

Toeachhisfavouritemeal.ButifIsaythatlunchismineIdonotmeanthatIshouldli elunchforbrea fast,dinner,andtea;Idonotmeanthatofthefourmeals(orfive,countingsupper)lunchistheonewhichImostenjoy--atwhichIdomyselfmostcompletejustice.ThisissofarfrombeingtruethatI

frequentlymisslunchaltogether...theexigenciesofthejournalisticprofession.To-day,forinstance,Ishallprobablymissit.No;whatImeanisthatlunchisthemealwhichintheabstractappealstomemostbecauseofitscatholicity.

Webrea fastanddineathome,oratotherpeople'shomes,butwegiveourselvesuptoLondonforlunch,andLondonhasprovidedanamazingvarietyforus.Wecanhavesixcoursesandabottleofchampagne,withaviewoftheriver,oronepoachedeggandaboxofdominoes,withaviewofthes ylights;wecansitorwecanstand,andwithoutdoubtwecould,ifwewished,reclineintheRomanfashion;wecanspendtwohoursorfiveminutesatit;wecanhavesomethingdifferent,everydayofthewee ,orcling

permanently(asI

nowonemantodo)toachopandchips--andwhatyoudowiththechipsIhaveneverdiscovered,fortheycombinesolittleofnourishmentwithsomuchofinconveniencethatNaturecanneverhavemeantthemforprovender.Perhapsascounters....ButIamwanderingfrommytheme.

Thereisthisofromanceaboutlunch,thatonecanimaginegreatadventureswithstoc bro ers,actor-managers,publishers,andotherdemigodstohavehadtheirbirthattheluncheontable.Ifitisaquestionof"bulling"margarineor"bearing"boot-polish,ifthenameforthenewplayisstillunsettled,ifthereissomeideaofanAmericanedition--whatevertheemergency,thefinalwordonthesubjectisalwaysthesame,"Comeandhavelunchwith

me,andwe'lltal

itover";andwhenthewaiterhasta

enyourhatandcoat,andyouhaveloo eddiffidentlyatthemenu,andinreplytoyourhost'squestion,"Whatwillyoudrin ?"havemadetheonlypossiblereply,"Oh,anythingthatyou'redrin ing"(thusshowinghimthatyoudon'tinsistonabottletoyourself)--THENyousettledowntobusiness,andthehistoryofEnglandisenlargedbywhocansayhowmanypages.

Andnotonlydoesoneinauguratebusinessmattersatlunch,butonealsorenewsoldfriendships.Whohasnothadsaidtohimin



theStrand,"Hallo,oldfellow,Ihaven'tseenyouforages;youmustcomeandlunchwithmeoneday"?Andwhohasnotanswered,"Rather!Ishouldloveto,"andpassedonwithaglowattheheartwhichhasnotdiedoutuntilthenextday,whentheincidentisforgotten?Aninvitationtodinnerisformal,toteaunnecessary,tobrea fastimpossible,butthereisacasualness,veryfriendlyandpleasant,aboutinvitationstolunchwhichma ethemcompleteinthemselves,andinnowaydependentonanylunchwhichmayormaynotfollow.

WithouthavingexhaustedthesubjectoflunchinLondon(andIshouldli etosaythatitisnowcertainthatIshallnothavetimetoparta eto-day),letusconsiderforamomentlunchinthecountry.Idonotmeanlunchintheopenair,foritisobviousthatthereisnomealsoheavenlyaslunchthuseaten,andinashortarticleli ethisIhavenotimeinwhichtodwellupontheobvious.Imeanlunchatacountryhouse.Now,themostpleasantfeatureoflunchatacountryhouseisthis--thatyoumaysitnexttowhomsoeveryouplease.Atdinnershemaybeentrustedtoquitethewrongman;atbrea fastyouarefacedwiththeproblemofbeingneithertooearlyforhernoryettoolateforaseatbesideher;atteapeoplehaveahabitofta ingyourchairatthemomentwhenasimpleactofcourtesyhasdrawnyoufromitinsearchofbreadandbutter;butatlunchyoufollow

herinandthereyouare--fixed.Butthereisaplace,neitherLondonnorthecountry,whichbringsoutmorethananyotherplaceallthatispleasantinlunch.Itwasreallytherecentexperienceofthiswhichsetmewritingaboutlunch.Lunchinthetrain!Itshouldbethe"secondmeal"--about1.30--becausethenyouarereallysomedistancefromLondonandarehungry.Thepanoramaflashesbyoutside,nearerandnearercomesthebeautifulWest;youcrossriversandhurrybylittlevillages,youpassslowlyandreverentlythroughstrangeoldtowns...and,inside,thewaiterleavesthepotatoesnexttoyouandslipsaway.

Well,itishisownris

.Heregoes....WhatIsayisthat,ifamanreallyli espotatoes,hemustbeaprettydecentsortoffellow.

TheFriendofMan

Whenswordswentoutoffashion,wal ing-stic s,Isuppose,came

intofashion.Thepresentcustomhasitsadvantages.Eveninhisbusiestdaythehero'sswordmusthavereturnedattimestoitsscabbard,andwhatwouldhedothenwithnothinginhisrighthand?Butourwal ing-stic shavenoscabbards.Wegraspthemalways,readyatanymomenttosummonacab,topointoutaview,ortodiganenemyinthestomach.Meanwhileweslashtheairindefianceoftheworld.

Myfirststic wasamalacca,silveratthecollarandpolishedhornastothehandle.Forwee sitloo edbeseechinglyatme



fromashopwindow,untilaluc ybirthdaytipsentmeinafterit.Wewentbac toschooltogetherthatafternoon,andifanythingcanlightenthecloudwhichhangsoverthelastdayofholidays,itisthegloryofsomesuchstic asmine.Ofcourseitwastoobeautifultolivelong;yetitsdeathbecameit.Ihadleftmanyaparentalumbrellainthetrainunhonouredandunsung.MymalaccawasmislaidinanhotelinNorway.Andevennowwhentheblindsaredrawnandwepullupourchairscloserroundthewoodfire,whattimetravellerstelltoawestruc stay-at-homestalesofadventureindistantlands,evennowifbyaluc ychanceNorwayismentioned,Itapthelogscarelesslywiththepo eranddrawl,"Isupposeyoudidn'thappentostayatVossvangen?Ileftamalaccacanethereonce.Ratheragoodonetoo."SothatthereisanimpressionamongmyfriendsthatthereishardlyatowninEuropebuthashaditslegacyfromme.AndthisIowetomystic .

Mylastisofebony,ivory-topped.EventhoughIshouldspendanotherfortnightabroadIcouldnotta ethisstic withme.Itisnotastic forthecountry;itsheartisinPiccadilly.PerhapsitmightthriveinParisifitcouldstandtheseavoyage.Butno,IcannotseeitcrossingtheChannel;inacapIamnocompanionforit.CouldIstepontotheboatinasil hatandthenretirebelow--butIamalwaysunwellbelow,andthat

wouldnotsuititsdignity.Itstandsnowinacornerofmyroomcryingaloudtobeta entotheopera.Iusedtodisli emenwhotoo canestoCoventGarden,butIseenowhowitmusthavebeenwiththem.Anebonystic toppedwithivoryhastobehumoured.AlreadyIamconsideringasil -linedcape,anditissettledthatmyglovesaretohaveblac stitchings.

Suchismylaststic ,foritwasgiventomethisverymorning.AtmyfirstsightofitIthoughtthatitmightreplacethecommononewhichIlostinanEastertrain.Thatwassillyofme.Imusthaveastic oflessgentlebirthwhichisnotafraidtobeseenwithasofthat.Itmustbeastic whichIcandrop,oronoccasion ic ;onewithwhichIcanslashdandelions;onefor

which,whenultimatelyIleaveitinatrain,consciencedoesnotdragmetoScotlandYard.Inshort,acompanionablestic foraday'sjourney;acountrystic .

Theidealcountrystic willneverbefound.Itmustbethic

enoughtostandmuchroughusageofasortwhichIwillexplainpresently,andyetitmustbethinsothatitma esapleasantwhistlingsoundthroughtheair.Itshandlemustbecurvedsothatitcanpulldownthesprayofblossomofwhichyouareinneed,orpulluptheluncheonbas etwhichyouwantevenmorebadly,andyetitmustbestraightsothatyoucandriveanoldgolfballwithit.Itmustbeunadorned,sothatitshalllac

ostentation,andyetitmusthaveaband,sothatwhenyouthrow

stonesatityoucancounttwoifyouhitthesilver.Youbegintoseehowdifficultitistoachievetheperfectstic .

Well,eachoneofusmustletgothosepropertieswhichhisownstic candobestwithout.FormyselfIinsistonthis--mystic

mustbegoodforhittingandgoodtohitwith.Astic ,weareagreed,issomethingtohaveinthehandwhenwal ing.Buttherearetimeswhenwesitdown;andifourjourneyshallhaveta enustothebeach,ourstic mustatoncebeproppedinthesandwhilefromasuitabledistancewethrowstonesatit.However



beautifulthesea,itsbeautycanonlybeappreciatedproperlyinthisfashion.Scenerymustnotbeta enatagulp;wemustabsorbitunconsciously.Withthemindgentlyexercisedastowhetherwescoredatwoonthebandoraonejustbelowit,andwiththemusclesofthearmatstretch,weareinastateideallyreceptiveofbeauty.

And,formyotheressentialofacountrystic ,itmustbepossibletograspitbythewrongendandhitaballwithit.Soitmusthavenoferrule,andthehandlemustbeheavyandstraight.Inthiswaywasgolfborn;itscreatorroamedthefieldsafterhispicniclunch, noc ingalongthecor fromhisbottle.Atfirsthetoo seventy-ninefromthegateinonefieldtotheoa treeinthenext;afterwardsfifty-four.Thensuddenlyhesawthegame.Wecannotsaythathew;isnoloverofNature.Thedesireto noc aballabout,toplaysillygameswithastic ,comesuponamanmost eenlywhenheishappy;letitbeascribedthatheishappytothestreamsandthehedgesandthesunlightthroughthetrees.Andsoletmystic haveahandleheavyandstraight,andlettherebenoferruleontheend.BesurethatIhaveanoldgolfballinmypoc et.

InLondononeisnotsoparticular.Chieflywewantastic forleaningonwhenwearetal ingtoanacquaintancesuddenlymet.

Aftertheinitial"Hulloa!"andthediscoverythatwehavenothingelseofimportancetosay,thesituationisdistinctlyeasedbytheremembranceofourstic .Itgivesusasupportmoralandphysical,suchasissuppliedinadrawing-roombyacigarette.Forthispurposesizeandshapeareimmaterial.Yetthismuchisessential--itmustnotbetooslippery,orinournervousnesswemaydropitaltogether.Myebonystic withthepolishedivorytop--

ButIhavealreadydecidedthatmyebonystic isoutofplacewiththeeverydayhat.Itstandsinitscornerwaitingfortheoperaseason,Imustgetanotherstic forroughwor .

TheDiaryHabit

Anewspaperhasbeenlamentingthedecayofthediary- eepinghabit,withthenaturalresultthatseveralcorrespondentshavewrittentosaythattheyhave eptdiariesalltheirlives.Nodoubtallthesediariesnowcontaintheentry,"WrotetotheDaily----todenytheassertionthatthediary- eepinghabitis

onthewane."Ofsuchlittlethingsarediariesmade.

Isupposethisisthereasonwhydiariesaresorarely eptnowadays--thatnothingeverhappenstoanybody.Adiarywouldbeworthwritingupifitcouldbewrittenli ethis:--

MONDAY.--"Anotherexcitingday.Shotacoupleofhooligansonmywaytobusinessandwasforcedtogivemycardtothepolice.Onarrivingattheofficewassurprisedtofindthebuildingonfire,butwasjustintimetorescuetheconfidentialtreaty



betweenEnglandandSwitzerland.Hadthisbeendiscoveredbythepublic,warwouldinfalliblyhaveresulted.WentouttolunchandsawarunawayelephantintheStrand.Thoughtlittleofitatthetime,butmentionedittomywifeintheevening.Sheagreedthatitwasworthrecording."

TUESDAY.--"LetterfromsolicitorinformingmethatIhavecomeintoÂ£1,000,000throughthewillofanAustraliangold-diggernamedTom ins.OnreferringtomydiaryIfindthatIsavedhislifetwoyearsagobyplungingintotheSerpentine.Thisisverygratifying.WaslateattheofficeasIhadtoloo inatthePalaceontheway,inordertoget nighted,butmanagedtogetagooddealofwor donebeforeIwasinterruptedbyamadmanwitharazor,whodemandedÂ£100.Shothimafteradesperatestruggle.TeaatanABC,whereImettheDu eof---.FellintotheThamesonmywayhome,butswamashorewithoutdifficulty."

Alas!wecannotdothis.Ourdiariesareveryprosaic,verydullindeed.Theyreadli ethis:--

Monday.--"Feltinclinedtostayinbedthismorningandsendanexcusetotheoffice,butwasallrightafterabathandbrea fast.Wor edtill1.30andhadlunch.Afterwardswor edtillfive,andhadmyhaircutonthewayhome.AfterdinnerreadA

Man'sPassion,byTheodoraPopgood.Rotten.Wenttobedateleven."

Tuesday.--"HadaletterfromJane.Didsomegoodwor inthemorning,andatlunchmetHenry,whoas edmetoplaygolfwithhimonSaturday.ToldhimIwasplayingwithPeter,butsaidIwouldli eagamewithhimontheSaturdayafter.However,itturnedouthewasplayingwithWilliamthen,sowecouldn'tfixanythingup.Boughtapairofshoesonmywayhome,butthin

theywillbetootight.Themansays,though,thattheywillstretch."

Wednesday.--"Playeddominoesatlunchandwonfivepence."

Ifthissortofdiaryisnowfallingintodecay,theworldisnotlosingmuch.Butatleastitisaharmlesspleasuretosometoenteruptheirday'sdoingseachevening,andinyearstocomeitmayjustpossiblybeofinteresttothediaristto nowthatitwasonMonday,27thApril,thathehadhishaircut.Again,ifinthefutureanyquestionaroseastotheexactdateofHenry'sdecease,weshouldfindinthisdiaryproofthatanyhowhewasaliveaslateasTuesday,28thApril.Thatmight,thoughitprobablywon't,beofgreatimportance.Butthereisanothersortofdiarywhichcanneverbeofanyimportanceatall.Ima enoapologyforgivingathirdselectionofextracts.

Monday.--"RoseatnineandcamedowntofindaletterfromMary.Howlittlewe nowourtruefriends!Beneaththemas ofoutwardaffectiontheremaylur un nowntoustheserpent'stoothofjealousy.Marywritesthatshecanma enothingformystallatthebazaarasshehasherownstalltoprovidefor.Atemybrea fastmechanically,mythoughtsbeingfaraway.What,afterall,islife?Meditateddeeplyontheinnercosmostilllunch-time.AfterwardsIlaydownforanhourandcomposedmymind.IwasangrythismorningwithMary.Ah,howpetty!ShallIneverbefreefromthebondsofmyownnature?Isthebetterselfwithin



menevertorisetothesublimeheightsofselflessnessofwhichitiscapable?RoseatfourandwrotetoMary,forgivingher.Thishasbeenawonderfuldayforthespirit."

Yes;Isuspectthatagoodmanydiariesrecordadventuresofthemindandsoulforlac ofstirringadventurestothebody.Iftheycannotsay,"Attac edbyalioninBondStreetto-day,"theycanatleastsay,"Attac edbydoubtinSt.Paul'sCathedral."Mostpeoplewillprefer,intheabsenceofthelion,tosaynothing,ornothingmoreimportantthan"Attac edbythehairdresserwithahardbrush";butthereareotherswhomustgetpentopapersomehow,andwhofindthatonlyinregardtotheiremotionshavetheyanythinguniquetosay.

But,ofcourse,thereiseverwithinthebreastsofalldiariststhehopethattheirdiariesmaysomedayberevealedtotheworld.Theymaybediscoveredbysomefuturegeneration,amazedatthesimpledoingsofthetwentiethcentury,ortheirpublicationmaybedemandedbythenextgeneration,eagerto nowtheinnerlifeofthegreatmanjustdead.Bestofall,theymaybemadepublicbythewritersthemselvesintheirautobiographies.

Yes;thediaristmustalwayshavehiseyeonapossible

autobiography."Iremember,"hewillwriteinthatgreatwor

,havingforgottenallaboutit,"Idistinctlyremember"--andherehewillrefertohisdiary--"meetingX.atlunchoneSundayandsayingtohim..."

Whathesaidwillnotbeofmuchimportance,butitwillshowyouwhatawonderfulmemorythedistinguishedauthorretainsinhisoldage.

MidsummerDay

ThereismagicinthewoodsonMidsummerDay--sopeopletellme.Titaniaconductsherrevels.Letothersattendhercourt;formyselfIwillbegtobeexcused.IhavenoheartforrevellingonMidsummerDay.OnanyotherfestivalIwillbeasjocundasyouplease,butonthelongestdayoftheyearIamoverburdenedbythethoughtthatfromthismomenttheeveningsarebeginningtodrawin.Weareonthewaytowinter.

ItisonMidsummerDay,orthereabouts,thatthecuc

oochangeshistune, nowingwellthatthebestdaysareoverandthatinalittlewhileitwillbetimeforhimtoflyaway.Ishouldli ethistobealearnedarticleon"TheHabitsoftheCuc oo,"andyet,ifitwere,IdoubtifIshouldlovehimattheendofit.Itisbestto nowonlytheonethingofhim,thathelayshiseggsinanotherbird'snest--afriendlyidea--andbeyondthattota ehimaswefindhim.Andwefindthathisonlyhabitwhichmattersisthedelightfuloneofsaying"Cuc oo."



Thenightingaleisthebirdofmelancholy,thethrushsingsadisturbingsongofthegoodtimestocome,theblac birdwhistlesafine,coolnotewhichgoesbestwithaFebruarymorning,andthes ylar trillshiswaytoaheavenfaroutofthereachofmen;andwhatthelesserwhite-throatsaysIhaveneverrightlyunderstood.Butthecuc ooisthebirdofpresentjoys;he eepsuscompanyonthelawnsofsummer,hesingsunderasummersuninawonderfulnewworldofblueandgreen.Ithin onlyhappypeoplehearhim.Heisalwaysaboutwhenoneisdoingpleasantthings.Heneversingswhenthesunhidesbehindban sofclouds,orifhedoes,itissoftlytohimselfsothathemaynotlosethenote.Then"Cuc oo!"hesaysaloud,andyoumaybesurethateverythingiswarmandbrightagain.

Butnowheisleavingus.WherehegoesI nownot,butIthin

ofhimvaguelyasatMozambique,aparadiseforallgoodbirdswholi etheirdayslong.Ifgeographywereproperlytaughtatschools,Ishould nowwhereMozambiquewas,andwhatsortofpeoplelivethere.Butitmaybethat,withallthesecuc ooscuc ooingandswallowsswallowingfromJulytoApril,thecountryissofullofimmigrantsthatthereisnoroomforastablepopulation.Itmayalsobe,ofcourse,thatMozambiqueisnottheplaceIamthin ingof;yetithasabirdishsound.

Theyearisarrangedbadly.IfMr.Willettwerealivehewoulddosomethingaboutit.Whyshouldthedaysbegintogetshorteratthemomentwhensummerisfullyarrived?Whyshoulditbepossibleforthevicartosaythattheeveningsaredrawingin,whenoneisstillhavingstrawberriesfortea?SometimesIthin

thatifJunewerecalledAugust,andAprilJune,thesethingswouldbeeasiertobear.ThefactthatinwhatisnowcalledAugustweshouldbetellingeachotherhowwonderfullyhotitwasforOctoberwouldhelpustobeartheslowapproachofwinter.OnaMidsummerDayinsuchacalendaronewouldrevelgladly,andtherewouldbenomidsummermadness.

Alreadytheoa treeshaveta enonanautumnloo .Iamtold

thatthisisduetoalocalirruptionofcaterpillars,andnottothewaningofthesummer,butithasasuspiciousair.Probablythecaterpillars new.ItseemsstrangenowtoreflectthattherewasatimewhenIli edcaterpillars;whenIchasedthemupsuburbanstreets,andtoo themhometofondlethem;whenI newthemallbytheirprettynames,assistedthemtobecomechrysalises,andwatchedovertheminthatunprotectedstateasifIhadbeentheirmother.Ah,howdearweremylittlechargestomethen!ButnowIclassthemwithmosquitoesandblightandharvesters,thepestsofthecountryside.Why,Iwouldletthemcrawlupmyarminthosehappydaysofold,andnowIcannotevenenduretohavethemdroppinggentlyintomyhair.AndIshouldnot nowwhattosaytoachrysalis.

Therearegreatandgoodpeoplewho nowallaboutsolsticesandzeniths,andtheycantellyoujustwhyitisthat24thJuneissomuchhotterandlongerthan24thDecember--whyitissoinEngland,Ishouldsay.ForIbelieve(andtheywillcorrectmeifIamwrong)thatattheequatorthedaysandnightsarealwaysofequallength.Thismustma ecallingalmostanimpossibility,forifonecannotsaytoone'shostess,"Howquic lythedaysarelengthening(ordrawingin),"onemightaswellremainathome."Howstationarythedaysareremaining"mightpassonafirst



visit,buttheoldinhabitantswouldnotli eitrubbedintothem.Theyfeel,Iamsure,thathoweversaddeningaMidsummerDaymaybe,anunchangingyearismuchmoreintolerable.Onecanimaginethesuperiorityofaresidentwholivedacoupleofmilesofftheequator,andtoo hervisitorsproudlytotheendofthegardenwheretheseasonsweremostmutable.Therewouldbenobearingwithher.

InthesecircumstancesIrefusetobedepressed.Iconsolemyselfwiththethoughtthatif25thJuneisthebeginningofwinter,atleastthereisanextsummertowhichImayloo forward.Nextsummeranythingmayhappen.Isupposeascientistwouldbeconsiderablysurprisedifthesunrefusedtogetuponemorning,or,havinggotup,declinedtogotobedagain.ItwouldnotsurpriseME.TheamazingthingisthatNaturegoesondoingthesamethingsinthesamewayyearafteryear;anysuddenlittleirrelevanceonherpartwouldbequiteunderstandable.Whenthewisementellussoconfidentlythattherewillbeaneclipseofthesunin1921,invisibleatGreenwich,dotheyhavenoqualmsofdoubtasthedaydrawsnear?Dotheyglanceupfromtheirwhitebaitattheappointedhour,justincaseitISvisibleafterall?OriftheyhavejourneyedtoPernambuco,orwhereverthebestviewistobeobtained,dotheywonder...perhaps...andtelleachotherthenightbeforethat,ofcourse,theywere

comingtoPernambucoanyhow,toseeanaunt?Perhapstheydon't.ButformyselfIamnotsocertain,andIhavehopesthat,certainlynextyear,possiblyeventhisyear,thedayswillgoonlengtheningaftermidsummerisover.

AttheBoo stall

Ihaveoftenlongedtobeagrocer.Tobesurroundedbysomanyinterestingthings--sardines,bottledraspberries,biscuitswithsugaronthetop,preservedginger,hams,brawnunderglass,everythinginfactthatma eslifeworthliving;atonemomenttowal upaladderinsearchofnutmeg,atthenexttodiveunderacounterinpursuitofcinnamon;toservelittlegirlswithaha'porthofpeardropsandlordlypeopleli eyouandmewithapintofcherrygin--isnotthistofollowthe ingoftrades?SomedayIshallopenagrocer'sshop,andyouwillfindmeinmyspareeveningsapronedbehindthecounter.Loo outforthecurrantsinthewindowasyoucomein--Ihaveanideaforsomethingartisticinthewayofpatternsthere;but,asyoulove

me,donotoffertobuyany.Wegrocersonlyputthecurrantsoutforshow,andsothatwemayrunourfingersthroughthemluxuriouslywhenbusinessisslac .Ihaveagoodlineinshortbreads,madam,ifIcanfindthebox,butnocurrantsthisevening,Ibegyou.

Yes,tobeagroceristolivewell;but,afterall,itisnottoseelife.Agrocer,inasfarasitispossibletoamanwhosellsbothscentedsoapandpilchards,wouldbecomenarrow.Wedonotcomeintocontactwiththeoutsideworldmuch,savethrough



themediumofpottedlobster,andtosellamanpottedlobsterisnottohaveourfingersonhispulse.Pottedlobsterdoesnotdefineaman.Allcustomersareali etothegrocer,providedtheirmoneyisgood.IperceivenowthatIwasover-hastyindecidingtobecomeagrocer.Thatisratherforone'soldage.Whileoneisyoung,andinterestedinpersonsratherthaninthings,thereisonlyoneprofessiontofollow--theprofessionofboo stallcler .

Tobebehindaboo stallisindeedtoseelife.Thefascinationofitstruc mesuddenlyas1stoodinfrontofastationboo stalllastMondayandwonderedwhoboughtthetie-clips.TheanswercametomejustasIgotintomytrain--As themanbehindtheboo stall.Hewould now.Yes,andhewould nowwhoboughtallhispapersandboo sandpamphlets,andto nowthisisto nowsomethingaboutthepeopleintheworld.Youcannottellamanbythelobsterheeats,butyoucantellsomethingabouthimbytheliteraturehereads.

Forinstance,Ionceoccupiedacarriageonaneasternlinewith,amongothers,amiddle-agedwoman.AssoonasweleftLiverpoolStreetsheproducedabagofshrimps,graspedeachindividualinturnfirmlybytheheadandtail,andatehim.Whenshehadfinished,sheemptiedtheendsoutofthewindow,wipedher

hands,andsettleddowncomfortablytoherpaper.Whatpaper?You'llneverguess;Ishallhavetotellyou--TheMorningPost.Nowdoesn'tthatgiveyouthewoman?Theshrimpsalone,no;thepaperalone,no;butthetwoto-gether.Conceivetheholyjoyoftheboo stallcler assheandherbagofshrimps--yes,hecouldhavetoldatoncetheywereshrimps--approachedandas edforTheMorningPost.

Thedaycanneverbedulltotheboo stallcler .Iimaginehimassigninginhismindtherightpapertoeachcustomer.Thismanwillas forGolfing--wrong,hewantsCageBirds;thatoneovertherewantsTheMotor--ah,well,TheAuto-Car,that'snearenough.Soonhewouldbeginto nowthedifferenttypes;hewould

learntodistinguishbetweenthepatronsofTheDancingTimesandofTheVote,TheEraandTheAthenaeum.Delightfulsurpriseswouldoverwhelmhimatintervals;aswhen--ared-letterdayinallthegreatstations--agentlemaninachec waistcoatma esthedoublepurchaseofHomer'sPennyStoriesandTheSpectator.Onthoseoccasions,andtheywouldbeveryrare,hisfaithinhumannaturewouldbegintooozeaway,untilallatoncehewouldtellhimselfexcitedlythatthemanwasobviouslyanescapedcriminalindisguise,ratheroverdoingthepart.AfterwhichhewouldhandoverTheWinningPostandTheAnimals'Friendtothepursuingdetectiveinasortofholyawe.Whatalife!

Buthehasotherthingsthanpaperstosell.He nowswhobuys

thoselittlesixpennyboo

soffunnystories--aproblemwhichhasoftenpuzzledusothers;heunderstandsbynowthetypeofmanwhowantstoreadupafewgoodjo estotellthemdownatoldRobinson's,whereheisgoingforthewee -end.Ourboo stallcler doesn'twaittobeas ed.Assoonasthisgentlemanapproaches,hewhipsouttheboo ,dustsit,andplacesitbeforetheraconteur.Herecognizesalsoataglancethesortofsillyasswhoisalwayslosinghisindiarubberumbrellaring.Half-wayacrossthestationhecanseehim,andhehastenstogetanewcardoutinreadiness.("Orwewouldletyouhavesevenfor



sixpence,sir.")Andevenwhenoneofthosesubtlercharactersdrawsnear,aboutwhomitisimpossibletosayimmediatelywhethertheyrequireafountainpenwithcaseortheLifeandLetters,reducedto3s.6d.,ofMajor-GeneralClementBulger,C.B.,eventhenthemanbehindtheboo stallisnotfoundwanting.Ifheiswrongthefirsttime,heneverfailstorecoverwithhissecond."Bulger,sir.Oneofourgreatestsoldiers."

IthoughtofthesethingslastMonday,anddefinitelyrenouncedtheideaofbecomingagrocer;andasIwanderedroundtheboo stall,thin ing,Icameacrossalittleboo ,sixpenceincloth,ashillinginleather,calledProverbsandMaxims.Itcontainedsomethousandsofthebestthoughtsinalllanguages,suchashaveguidedmenalongthepathoftruthsincethebeginningoftheworld,from"Whatho,shebumps!"to"Ichdien,"andmore.Thethoughtoccurredtomethataninterestingarticlemightbeextractedfromit,soIboughttheboo .UnfortunatelyenoughIleftitinthetrainbeforeIhadtimetomasterit.Ishallbeattheboo stallnextMondayandIshallhavetobuyanothercopy.Thatwillbeallright;youshan'tmissit.

ButIamwonderingnowwhattheboo stallcler willma eofme.Amanwho eepsonbuyingProverbsandMaxims.Well,asIsay,theyseelife.

"Who'sWho"

Ili emynovelslong.WhenIhadreadthreepagesofthisoneIglancedattheend,andfoundtomydelightthatthereweretwothousandsevenhundredandtwenty-fivepagesmoretocome.Ireturnedwithasighofpleasuretopage4.Iwasjustatthe

placewhereLesliePatric

Abercrombiewinstheprize"forlayingoutPrestatyn,"somelocalwrestler,presumably,whohadchallengedthecrowdatacountryfair.Afterlayinghimout,Abercrombiereturnstohisboo sandbecomeseditoroftheTownPlanningReview.Awonderfullydrawncharacter.

Theplotofthisoddlynamednovelistoocomplicatedtodescribeatlength.ItopenswiththeconfermentoftheC.M.G.onKuliKhanAbbasin1903,anincidentofwhichtheanonymousauthormighthavemadeagooddealmore,andcloseswithabriefdescriptionoftheRev.SamuelMarinusZwemer'shomeinNewYor

City;butmuchhashappenedinthemeanwhile.Thousandsofcharactershavemadetheirbriefappearanceonthestage,and

havebeenhustledofftoma

eroomforothers,butsounerringlyaretheydrawnthatwefeelthatweareinthepresenceoflivingpeople.Ta eColetteWilly,forexample,whocomesinonpage2656atatimewhenthedenouementisclearlyathand.Theauthor,whoiswor inguptohisgreatscene--theappointmentofDr.NormanWilsmoretotheInternationalCommissionforthePublicationofAnnualTablesofPhysicalandChemicalConstants--drawsherforusinafewlightningtouches.Sheis"authoress,actress."Shehaswrittentwolittleboo s:DialoguedeBetesandLaRetraiteSentimentale.Thatisall.Butisitnotenough?Has



henotmadeColetteWillylivebeforeus?Alesserwritermighthaveplungedintoelaboratedetailsabouthertelephonenumberandherpermanentaddress,but,li ethetrueartistthatheis,ourauthorleavesallthosethingsunsaid.Forthoughhecanbearealistwhennecessary(asinthecaseofWallisBudge,towhichIshallreferdirectly),hedoesnothesitatetotrusttotheimpressionists etchwhenthesituationdemandsit.

WallisBudgeisapparentlytheheroofthetaie;atanyrate,theauthordevotesmostspacetohim--somehundredandtwentylinesorso.Hedoesnotappearuntilpage341,bywhichtimeweareonfamiliartermswithsometwoorthreethousandofthelessimportantcharacters.Itistypicalofthewriterthat,oncehehasdescribedacharactertous,has(sotospea )sethimonhisfeet,heappearstoloseinterestinhiscreation,anditisonlyrarelythatfurtherreferenceismadetohim.AlfredBudd,forinstance,whobecameBritishVice-ConsulofSanSebastianin1907,andresides,astheintelligentreaderwillhaveguessed,attheSanSebastianBritishVice-Consulate,obtainstheM.V.O.in1908.Nothingissaid,however,oftheresultanteffectonhischaracter,norisanyadequatedescriptiongiven--eitherthenorlater--oftheSanSebastianscenery.Ontheotherhand,Bucy,whofirstappearsonpage340,turnsupagainonpage644astheMarquessdeBucy,aGrandeeofSpain.Iwashalf-expectingthat

thebodywouldbediscoveredaboutthistime,buttheauthorisstillbusyoverhisprotagonists,andonlyleavestheMarquessinordertointroducetoushisthreemus eteers,deBunsen,deBurgh,anddeButts.

ButitistimethatIreturnedtoourhero,Dr.WallisBudge.AlthoughBudgeisagolferofworld-wideexperience,having"conductedexcavationsinEgypt,theIslandofMeroe,NinevehandMesopotamia,"itisuponhismentalratherthanhisathleticabilitiesthattheauthordwellsmostlovingly.Thefactthatin1886hewroteapamphletuponTheCopticHistoryofElijahtheTishbite,andfolloweditupin1888withoneonTheCopticMartyrdomofGeorgeofCappadocia(whichis,ofcourse,inevery

drawing-room)maynotseematfirsttohavemuchbearinguponthetremendouseventswhichfollowedlater.Buttheauthorisartisticallyrightindrawingourattentiontothem;foritisprobablethat,hadthesepopularwor snotbeenwritten,ourherowouldneverhavebeenencouragedtoproceedwithhisMagicalTextsofZa-Walda-Hawaryat,TasfaMaryam,Sebhat-Le'ab,GabraShelaseTezasu,Aheta-Mi ael,whichhadsuchastartlingeffectonthelivesofalltheothercharacters,andledindirectlytothefindingoftheblood-stainonthebath-mat.MyownsuspicionsfellimmediatelyuponThomasRoo e,ofwhomwearetoldnothingmorethan"R.W.S.,"whichisobviouslythecabbalisticsignofsomesecretsociety.

Oneoftheauthor'swea

nessesisacertaincarelessnessinthenamingofhischaracters.Forinstance,nofewerthantwohundredandforty-oneofthemarecalledSmith.True,heendeavourstodistinguishbetweenthembygivingthemsuchdifferentChristiannamesasJohn,Henry,Charles,andsoforth,buttheresultisboundtobeconfusing.Sometimes,indeed,hedoesnotevenbothertodistinguishbetweentheirChristiannames.ThuswehavethreeHenrySmiths,whoappeartohavemixedthemselvesupevenintheauthor'smind.HetellsusthatColonelHenry'schiefrecreationis"thestudyofthethingsaroundhim,"butitsoundsmuchmore



li ethatoftheReverendHenry,whoseopportunitiesinthepulpitwouldbeconsiderablygreater.ItisthesamewiththeThomsons,theWilliamsesandothers.Whenoncehehitsupononeofthesepopularnames,heiscarriedawayforseveralpages,andinsistsoncallingeverybodyThomson.Butoccasionallyhehasaninspiration.TemistocleZammitisagoodname,thoughthehumourofcallingafamousmusicianZimbalistisperhapsalittletooobvious.

Inconclusion,onecansaythatwhileourauthor'smeritsaremany,hisfaultsareofnogreatmoment.Certainlyhehandleshislove-scenesbadly.Manyofhischaractersaremarriedbuthetellsuslittleoftheearlyscenesofcourtship,andsaysnothingofanypreviousengagementswhichwereafterwardsbro enoff.Also,heisapparentlyincapableofdescribingachild,unlessitistheoffspringoftitledpersonsandwillitselfsucceedtothetitle;eventhenhepreferstodismissitinaparenthesis.Butasapictureofthepresent-dayEnglishmanhisnovelcanhardlybesurpassed.Heisnotawriterwhoisonlyathomewithoneclass.Hecandescribetheutterlyun nownandunimportantwithasmuchgustoashedescribesthegeniusortheoldnobility.True,heovercrowdshiscanvas,butonemustrecognizethisashismethod.Itissothatheexpresseshimselfbest;justasonepaintercanexpresshimselfbestinarendering

ofthewholeTownCouncilofSlappenham,whileanotheronlyrequiresasinglehaddoc onaplate.

Hisfuturewillbewatchedwithinterest.Hehintsinhisintroductionthathehasanothervolumeinpreparation,inwhichhewillintroducetousseveralentirelynewC.B.E.'s,besidescarryingonthehistories(inthefamiliarmannerofourmodernnovelists)ofmanyofthosewithwhomwehavealreadymadefriends.Who'sWho,1920,itistobecalled,andI,forone,shallloo outforitwiththeutmosteagerness.

ADayatLord's

Whenonehasbeenwithoutacertainpleasureforanumberofyears,oneisaccustomedtofindonreturningtoitthatitisnotquitesodelightfulasonehadimagined.Intheyearsofabstinenceonehadbuiltuptooglowingapicture,andtherealityturnsouttobesomethingmuchmorecommonplace.Pleasant,yes;but,afterall,nothingoutoftheordinary.Mostofushavemadethisdiscoveryforourselvesinthelastfew

monthsofpeace.Wehavebeendoingthethingswhichwehadpromisedourselvessooftenduringthewar,andthoughtheyhavebeenjollyenough,theyarenotquiteallthatwedreamedinFranceandFlanders.Asforthenegativepleasures,thepleasureofnotsalutingornotattendingmedicalboards,theysoonlosetheirfirstfreshness.

YetIhavehadonepre-warpleasurethiswee whichcarriedwithitnosortofdisappointment.ItwasasgoodasIhadthoughtitwouldbe.IwenttoLord'sandwatchedfirst-classcric etagain.



Therearepeoplewhowantto"brightencric et."TheyremindmeofacertainmanagertowhomIoncesentaplay.Hetoldme,morepolitelythantruthfully,howmuchhehadenjoyedreadingit,andthenpointedoutwhatwaswrongwiththeconstruction."Youhavetwobrothershere,"hesaid."Theyoughtn'ttohavebeenbrothers,theyshouldhavebeenstrangers.Thenoneofthemmarriestheheroine.That'swrong;theotheroneoughttohavemarriedher.Thenthere'sAuntJane--shestri esmeasaverycolourlessperson.Ifshecouldhavebeenarrestedinthesecondactforbigamy---AndthenIshouldleaveoutyourthirdactaltogether,andputthefourthactatMonteCarlo,andlettheheroinebeblac mailedby--what'sthefellow'sname?SeewhatImean?"IsaidthatIsaw."Youdon'tmindmycriticizingyourplay?"headdedcarelessly.Isaidthathewasn'tcriticizingmyplay.Hewaswritinganotherone--onewhichIhadn'ttheleastwishtowritemyself.

Andthisiswhatthebrightenersofcric etaredoing.Theyareinventinganewgame,agamewhichthoseofuswholovecric ethavenottheleastdesiretowatch.IfanybodysaysthathefindsLord'sortheOvalboring,Ishallnotbeatallsurprised;theonlythingthatwouldsurprisemewouldbetohearthathefounditmoreboringthanIfindEpsomorNewmar et.Cric etisnotto

everybody'staste;norisracing.Butthosewholi

ecric

etli

eitforwhatitis,andtheydon'twantitbrightenedbythosewhodon'tli eit.LordLonsdale,Iamsure,wouldhatemetobrightenupNewmar etforhim.

Lord'sasitis,whichisasitwasfiveyearsago,isgoodenoughforme.Iwouldnotalteranyofit.Tohearthepavilionbellringoutagainwastohearthemostmusicalsoundintheworld.Thebestnoteisgivenat11.20inthemorning;lateronitlac ssomethingofitsearlyecstasy.Whenpeopletal ofthescoreofthisorthatoperaIsmilepityinglytomyself.Theyhaveneverheardthetruemusic.Theclin oficeagainstglassgivesquiteagoodnoteonasuitableday,butithasnotthe

magicoftheLord'sbell.Aswasmyhabitontheseoccasionsfiveyearsago,IboughtacopyofTheDailyTelegraphonenteringtheground.IntheordinarywayIdonotta einthispaper,butIhavealwayshadawarmadmirationforit,holdingittohavequalitieswhichplaceitfaraboveanyotherLondonjournalofsimilarprice.FortheseatsatLord'sareuncommonlyhard,andaDailyTelegraph,foldedtwiceandplacedbeneathone,bringssomethingofthesolacewhichgoodliteraturewillalwaysbring.Myfriendshadnoticedbeforethewar,withoutbeingabletoaccountforit,thatmyviewsbecamenoticeablymoreorthodoxasthesummeradvanced,onlytofallawayagainwiththeapproachofautumn.I

musthavebeeninfluencedsubconsciouslybytheleadingarticles.

Itrained,andplaywasstoppedforanhourortwo.BeforethewarIshouldhavebeenannoyedaboutthis,andIshouldhavesaidbitterlythatitwasjustmyluc .ButnowIfeltthatIwasindeedluc ythustorecaptureinonedayalltheoldsensations.Itwasdelightfultoheraldagainabrea intheclouds,andtohearthecrowdclappinghopefullyassoonasevertherainhadceased;toapplaudtheumpires,bravefellows,whentheyventuredforthatlasttoinspectthepitch;torealizefromthesudden



activityofthegroundsmenthatthedecisionwasafavourableone;toseetheumpires,thistimeintheirwhitecoats,comeoutagainwiththeballandthebails;andsotosettledownoncemoretothebusinessoftheday.

Perhapsthecric etwasslowfromthepointofviewofthefollowerofleaguefootball,butIdonotfeelthatthisisanycondemnationofit.AnessayofLamb'swouldbeslowtoareaderofWilliamleQueux'swor s,whowantedanewbodyineachchapter.IshallnotquarrelwithanyonewhoholdsthatadayatLord'sisadullday;ifhethin sso,lethimta ehisamusementelsewhere.Butlethimnotquarrelwithme,becauseI eeptomyopinion,asfirmlynowasbeforethewar,thatadayatLord'sisajoyousday.IfhewillleavemetheoldLord's,Iwillpromisenottobrightenhisfootballforhim.

BytheSea

ItisverypleasantinAugusttoreclineinFleetStreet,orwhereversternbusiness eepsone,andtothin ofthesea.IdonotenvythemillionsatMargateandBlac pool,atSalcombeandMinehead,forIhavepersuadedmyselfthattheseaisnotwhatitwasinmyday.Thenthepoolswerealwaysfullofstarfish;crabs--reallybigcrabs--stal edthedesertedsands;andanemoneswavedtheirfeelersatyoufromeveryroc .

Poetshavetal edoftheunchangingsea(andtheymayberightasregardstheactualwater),butIfancythatthebeachmustbedeteriorating.InthelasttenyearsIdon'tsupposeIhaveseenmorethanfivestarfishes,thoughIhavewal edoftenenoughbythemarginofthewaves--andnotonlytoloo forlostgolf

balls.TherehavebeenoccasionalbelatedlittlecrabswhomIhaveinterruptedastheywerescuttlinghome,butnoneofthosedangerousmonsterstowhominfearfulexcitement,andasachallengetoone'scompanion,oneusedtoofferaforefinger.Irefuseregretfullyyourexplanationthatitismyfingerwhichisbigger;Ishouldli etothin thatitwereindeedso,andthattheboysandgirlsofto-dayfindtheircrabsandstarfishesinthesizeandquantitytowhichIwasaccustomed.ButIamafraidwecannothideitfromourselvesthatthesupplyisgivingout.Itisinfactobviousthatonecannot eeponta ingstarfisheshomeandhangingthemupinthehallasbarometerswithoutdetrimenttothecomingrace.

Wehadanotheramusementaschildren,inwhichIsupposethemodernchildisnolongerabletoindulge.Weusedtowaituntilthetidewasjustbeginningtogodown,andthenstarttoclimbroundthefootofthecliffsfromonesandybaytoanother.Thewaveslappedthecliffs,asinglefalsestepwouldhaveplungedusintothesea,andwehadalltheexcitementofbeingcaughtbythetidewithoutanyofthedanger.Wehadthefurtherexcitement,ifwewereluc y,ofseeingfranticpeoplewavingtousfromthetopofthecliff,peopleofinconceivableignorance,whothoughtthatthetidewascomingupandthatwewerein



desperateperil.Butitwasaveryspecialdaywhenthathappened.

Ihavedonealittleseriousclimbingsincethosedays,butnotanywhichwasmoreenjoyable.Theseawasnevermorethanafootbelowusandnevermorethantwofeetdeep,buttheshoc offallingintoitwouldhavebeenmomentarilyasgreatasthatoffallingdownaprecipice.Youhadthereforethetwojoysofclimbing--thephysicalpleasureoftheaccomplishedeffort,andthegloriousmentalreactionwhenyourheartreturnsfromthemiddleofyourthroattoitsnormalplaceinyourchest.Andyouhadtheadditionaladvantagesthatyoucouldn'tget illed,andthat,ifaninsuperabledifficultypresenteditself,youwerenotdrivenbac ,butmerelywaitedfiveminutesforthetidetoloweritselfanddiscloseafreshfoothold.

But,asIsay,thesearenotjoysforthemodernchild.Thetide,Idaresay,isnotwhatitwas--itdoesnot,perhaps,godownsocertainly.Orthecliffsareofadifferentandofaninferiorshape.Orpeoplearenolongersoignorantastomista ethenatureofyourposition.OnewayoranotherIexpectIdobetterinFleetStreet.Ishallstayandimaginemyselfbythesea;Ishallnotdisappointmyselfwiththereality.

ButIimaginemyselfawayfrombandsandpiers;forabandbyamoonlitseacallsyoutobeverygrown-up,andthebeachandthecrabs--suchasareleft--callyoutobeachild;andbetweenthetwoyoucanveryeasilybemiserable.Icanseemyselfwithaspadeandbuc etbeingextraordinarilyhappy.TheotherdayImetaluc ylittleboywhohadapileofsandinhisgardentoplaywith,andIwasfortunateenoughtogetanorderforatunnel.ThetunnelwhichIconstructedforhimwasagoodone,butnotsogoodthatIcouldn'tseemyselfbuildingabetteronewithpractice.Icameawaywithanambitionforarchitecture.IfeverIgototheseaagainIshallbuildapropertunnel;andafterwards--well,weshallsee.AtthemomentIfeelintremendousform.IfeelthatIcoulddoacathedral.

Thereisonejoyofchildhood,however,whichonecanneverrecapture,andthatisthejoyofgettingwetinthesea.ThereisastatuenotsofarfromFleetStreetofthemanwhointroducedSundayschoolsintoEngland,butthemanwhomboysandgirlswouldreallyli etocommemorateinlastingstoneisthedoctorwhofirstsaidthatsaltwatercouldn'tgiveyouacold.WhetherthiswastrueornotIdonot now,butitwasasplendidandnever-failingretorttoanxiousgrown-ups,andaddedmuchtothejoysoftheseaside.Butitisajoynolongerpossibletoonewhoishisownmaster.I,forinstance,cangetmyfeetwetinfreshwaterifIli e;togetthemwetinsaltwaterisnospecialprivilege.

FeelingasIdo,writingasIhavewritten,itissadformeto nowthatifIreallywenttotheseathisAugustitwouldnotbewithaspadeandabuc etbutwithabagofgolfclubs;thatevenmyeveningswouldbespent,notonthebeach,butonabicycleridingtothenearesttownforapaper.YetitisuselessforyoutosaythatIdonotlovetheseawithmyoldlove,thatIamnolongerpleasedwiththeoldchildishthings.Ishallmaintainthatitistheseawhichisnotwhatitwas,andthatIamveryhappyinFleetStreetthin ingofitasitusedtobe.



GoldenFruit

OfthefruitsoftheyearIgivemyvotetotheorange.Inthefirstplaceitisaperennial--ifnotinactualfact,atleastinthegreengrocer'sshop.Onthedayswhendessertisanamegiventoahandfulofchocolatesandalittlepreservedginger,whenmacâdoinedefruitsisthetitlebestowedontwoprunesandapieceofrhubarb,thentheorange,howeversour,comesnoblytotherescue;andonthoseotherdaysofplentywhencherriesandstrawberriesandraspberriesandgooseberriesriottogetheruponthetable,theorange,sweeterthanever,isstilltheretoholditsown.Breadandbutter,beefandmutton,eggsandbacon,arenotmorenecessarytoanorderedexistencethantheorange.

Itiswellthatthecommonestfruitshouldbealsothebest.OfthevirtuesoftheorangeIhavenotroomfullytospea .Ithas

propertiesofhealth-giving,asthatitcuresinfluenzaandestablishesthecomplexion.Itisclean,forwhoeverhandlesitonitswaytoyourtablebuthandlesitsoutercovering,itstopcoat,whichisleftinthehall.Itisround,andformsanexcellentsubstitutewiththeyoungforacric etball.Thepipscanbeflic edatyourenemies,andquiteasmallpieceofpeelma esaslideforanoldgentleman.

Butallthiswouldcountnothinghadnottheorangesuchdelightfulqualitiesoftaste.Idarenotletmyselfgouponthissubject.Iamaslavetoitssweetness.Igrudgeeverymarriageinthatitmeansafreshsupplyoforangeblossom,thepromiseofsomuchgoldenfruitcutshort.However,theworldmustgoon.

NexttotheorangeIplacethecherry.Thecherryisacompanionablefruit.Youcaneatitwhileyouarereadingortal ing,andyoucangoonandon,absent-mindedlyasitwere,thoughyoumustmindnottoswallowthestone.Thetroubleofdisengagingthisfromthefruitisjustsufficienttoma ethefruittastesweeterforthelabour.Thestal eepsyoufromsoilingyourfingers;itenablesyoualsotoplaybobcherry.Lastly,itisbymeansofcherriesthatonepenetratesthegreatmysteriesoflife--whenandwhomyouwillmarry,andwhethershereallylovesyouorista ingyouforyourworldlyprospects.(ImayaddherethatI nowagirlwhocantiea notinthestal

ofacherrywithhertongue.Itisatric ybusiness,andIam

doubtfulwhethertoaddittothevirtuesofthecherryornot.)

Thereareonlytwowaysofeatingstrawberries.Oneisneatinthestrawberrybed,andtheotherismashedontheplate.Thefirstmethodgenerallyrequiresustota eupabentpositionunderanet--inahotsunveryuncomfortable,andatanytimefataltothehair.Thesecondmethodta esusintotheprivacyofthehome,foritdemandsadressing-gownandnospectators.ForthesereasonsIthin thestrawberryanoverratedfruit.YetImustsaythatIli etoseeonefloatingincidercup.Itgivesa



noteofrichnesstotheaffair,andexcusesanyshortcomingsinthelunchitself.

Raspberriesareagoodfruitgonewrong.Araspberrybyitselfmightindeedbethebestfruitofall;butitisalmostimpossibletofinditalone.Idonotrefertoitsattachmenttotheredcurrant;rathertotheattachmenttoitofsomanyofourdumblittlefriends.Theinstinctofthelowercreaturesforthebestiswellshowninthecaseoftheraspberry.Ifitistobeeatenitmustbepic edbythehand,wellsha en,andthenta en.

Whenyouengageagardenerthefirstthingtodoistocometoaclearunderstandingwithhimaboutthepeaches.Thebestwayofsettlingthematteristogivehimthecarrotsandtheblac

currantsandtherhubarbforhimself,toallowhimafreehandwiththegroundselandthewalnuttrees,andtoinsistinreturnforthisthatyoushouldpic thepeacheswhenandhowyouli e.Ifheisagentlemanhewillconsent.Supposingthatsomesatisfactoryarrangementwerecometo,andsupposingalsothatyouhadasilver-bladedpoc et- nifewithwhichyoucouldpeelthemintheopenair,thenpeacheswouldcomeveryhighinthelistoffruits.Buttheconditionsaredifficult.

Gooseberriesburstatthewrongendandsmotheryou;melons--as

theniggerboydiscovered--ma

eyourearsstic

y;currants,whenyouhaveremovedthes inandextractedtheseeds,areunsatisfying;blac berrieshavethefaultsofraspberrieswithouttheirvirtues;plumsareneverripe.Yetallthesefruitsareexcellentintheirseason.Theirfaultsarefaultswhichwecanforgiveduringaslightacquaintance,whichindeedseembutpleasantlittleidiosyncrasiesinthestranger.Butwecouldnotlivewiththem.

Yetwiththeorangewedoliveyearinandyearout.Thatspea swellfortheorange.Thefactisthatthereisanhonestyabouttheorangewhichappealstoallofus.Ifitisgoingtobebad--foreventhebestofusarebadsometimes--itbeginstobebad

fromtheoutside,notfromtheinside.Howmanyapearwhichpresentsabloomingfacetotheworldisrottenatthecore.Howmanyaninnocent-loo ingappleisharbouringaworminthebud.Buttheorangehasnosecretfaults.Itsoutsideisamirrorofitsinside,andifyouarequic youcantelltheshopmansobeforeheslipsitintothebag.

SignsofCharacter

Wellingtonissaidtohavechosenhisofficersbytheirnosesandchins.Thestandardfortheminnosesmusthavebeenratherhigh,tojudgebytheportraitsoftheDu e,butnodoubthemadeallowances.Anyhow,bythismethodhegotthemenhewanted.Somepeople,however,maythin thathewouldhavedonebettertohaveletthemouthbethedecidingtest.Thelinesofone'snosearemoreorlessarrangedforoneatbirth.Ababy,bornwithasnub



nose,wouldfeelithardthatthedecisionthathewouldbenousetoWellingtonshouldbecometosoearly.AndevenifhearrivedintheworldwithaRomannose,hemightsmashitupinchildhood,andwithithischancesofmilitaryfame.This,Ithin youwillagreewithme,wouldbeunfair.

Nowthemouthismuchmoreli elytobeatrueindexofcharacter.Amanmayclenchhisteethfirmlyorsmiledisdainfullyorsneer,ordoahundredthingswhichwillbereflectedinhismouthratherthaninhisnoseorchin.Itisthroughthemouthandeyesthatallemotionsareexpressed,andinthemouthandeyesthereforethatonewouldexpectthemar sofsuchemotionstobeleft.Ididreadonceofamanwhosenosequiveredwithrage,butitisnotusual;Ineverheardofanyonewhosechindidanything.Itwouldbeabsurdtoexpectitto.

Buttherearisesnowtheobjectionthatamanmayconcealhismouth,andbythathischaracter,withamoustache.Therearises,too,theobjectionthatapersonwhomyouthoughtwasafool,becausehealwayswentaboutwithhismouthopen,mayonlyhavehadabadcoldinthehead.Infactthedifficultiesoftellinganyone'scharacterbyhisfaceseemmoreinsuperableeverymoment.How,then,arewetotellwhetherwemaysafelytrustamanwithourdaughter,orourfavouritegolfclub,orwhateverwe

holdmostdear?Fortunatelyabenefactorhassteppedinattherightmomentwithanarticleonthecigar-manner.Ourgentlemanhasmadethediscoverythatyoucantellaman'snaturebythewayhehandleshiscigar,andhegivesadozenillustrationstoexplainhistheory.True,thisleavesoutofaccountthemenwhodon'tsmo ecigars;although,ofcourse,youmightsumthemallup,withacertainamountofjustification,asfoolish.Butyoudoget,Iamassured,averyimportantindextothecharactersofsmo ers--whichisasmuchastosayofthepeoplewhoreallycount.

Iamnotgoingtorevealallthecluestoyounow;partlybecause

Imightbeinfringingthecopyrightofanother,partlybecauseIhaveforgottenthem.Buttheidearoughlyisthatifamanholdshiscigarbetweenhisfingerandthumb,heiscourageousand indtoanimals(orwhateveritmaybe),andifheholdsitbetweenhisfirstandsecondfingersheisimpulsivebutyetconsideratetooldladies,andifheholdsitupsidedownheis(besidesbeinganass)jealousandself-assertive,andifhestic sa

nifeintothestumpsoastosmo eittotheveryendheis--yes,youhaveguessedthisone--heismean.Youseewhatausefulthingacigarmaybe.

Ithin nowIamsorrythatthistheoryhasbeengiventotheworld.Yes;Iblamemyselfforgivingitfurtherpublicity.In

theolddayswhenwebought--orbetter,hadpresentedtous--acigar,adoubtastowhetheritwasagoodonewasallthattroubledus.Webitoneendandlittheother,and,thedoubthavingbeensolved,proceededtranquillytoenjoyourselves.Butallthiswillbechangednow.Weshallbehorriblyself-conscious.Whenweta eourcigarsfromourmouthsweshallfeelourneighbours'eyesrooteduponourhands,thewhilewetrytorememberwhichofallthepossiblemanipulationsistheonewhichrepresentsvirtueatitshighestpower.Spea ingformyself,Iholdmycigarinadozendifferentwaysduringanevening(though



never,ofcourse,ontheendofa nife),andItrembletothin

ofthediabolicallycompositenaturewhichthemodernWellingtonsofthetablemustattributetome.InfutureIseethatImustconcentrateononemethod.IfonlyIcouldremembertheonewhichshowsmeatmybest!

Butthetobaccotestisnottheonlyone.Wemaybetoldbythewaywecloseourhands;thetiltofawal ing-stic mayunmas

us.Itisuselesstomodelourselvesnowonthestrong,silentmanofthenovelwhosefaceisashuttertohidehisemotions.Thisisapity;yes,Iamconvincednowthatitisapity.Ifmysecretfaultischeque-forgingIdonotwantittoberevealedtotheworldbytheangleofmyhat;stilllessdoIwishtodiscoveritinafriendwhomIli eorwhomIcanbeatatbilliards.

Howdulltheworldwouldbeifwe neweveryacquaintanceinsideoutassoonaswehadofferedhimourcigar-case.Suppose--Iputanextremecasetoyou--supposeapleasantyoungbachelorwhoadmiredourbowlingshowedhimselfbyhisshoelacestobeasecretwife-beater.Whatcouldwedo?Cutsouniqueafriend?Ahno.Letuspraytoremaininignoranceofthefaultsofthoseweli e.Letusprayitassincerelyaswepraythattheyshallremaininignoranceofours.

IntellectualSnobbery

AgoodmanyyearsagoIhadapainfulexperience.Iwasdiscoveredbymyhouse-masterreadinginbedattheunauthorizedhourofmidnight.Smithminorinthenextbed(wesharedacandle)wasalsoreading.Wewerebothdiscovered.Butthemost

annoyingpartofthebusiness,asitseemedtomethen,wasthatSmithminorwasdiscoveredreadingAltonLoc e,andthatIwasdiscoveredreadingMaroonedAmongCannibals.Ifonlyourhouse-masterhadcomeinthenightbefore!ThenhewouldhavefoundmereadingAltonLoc e.Justforamomentitoccurredtometotellhimthis,butafteralittlereflectionIdecidedthatitwouldbeunwise.Hemighthavemisunderstoodthebearingsoftherevelation.

Thereishardlyoneofuswhoisproofagainstthissortofintellectualsnobbery.Adetectivestorymayhavebeenaverygoodfriendtous,butwedon'twanttodragitintotheconversation;wepreferacasualreferencetoTheEgoist,with

whichwehaveperhapsonlyabowingacquaintance;areferencewhichleavestheimpressionthatweareinseparablecompanions,oratanyrateinseparableuntilsuchdaywhenwegatherfromourbettersthatthereareheightsevenbeyondTheEgoist.Deadoralive,wewouldsoonerbefoundwithacopyofMarcusAureliusthanwithacopyofMarieCorelli.Iusedto nowamanwhocarriedalwayswithhimaRussiannovelintheoriginal;notbecausehereadRussian,butbecauseadaymightcomewhen,astheresultofsomeaccident,the"poc etsofthedeceased"wouldbeexposedinthepublicPress.Ashesaid,younever now;but



theonlyaccidentwhichhappenedtohimwastobestrandedfortwelvehoursoneAugustatawaysidestationintheHighlands.AfterthishemaintainedthattheRussianswereoverrated.

Ishouldli etopretendthatImyselfhavegrownoutofthesesnobbishwaysbythistime,butIamdoubtfulifitwouldbetrue.IthappenedtomenotsolongagotobetravellingincompanyofwhichIwasverymuchashamed;andtobeashamedofone'scompanyistobeasnob.AtthisperiodIwastryingtoamusemyself(and,ifitmightbeso,otherpeople)bywritingaburlesquestoryinthemannerofanimaginarycollaborationbySirHallCaineandMrs.FlorenceBarclay.InordertodothisIhadtostudythewor softhesefamousauthors,andformanywee -endsinsuccessionImighthavebeenseentravellingto,orreturningfrom,thecountrywithacoupleoftheirboo sundermyarm.To eeponeboo beneaththearmiscomparativelyeasy;to

eeptwoismuchmoredifficult.Manywasthetime,whilewaitingformytraintocomein,thatoneofthoseboo sslippedfromme.Indeed,thereishardlyajunctionintherailwaysystemofthesoutherncountiesatwhichIhavenotdroppedonsomeSaturdayorotheraCaineoraBarclay;tohaveitrestoredtomeamomentlaterbyacourteousfellow-passenger--courteous,butwithasmileofgentlepityinhiseyeasheglimpsedtheauthor'sname."Than sverymuch,"Iwouldstammer,blushingguiltily,and

perhapsIwouldbabbleaboutasic

friendtowhomIwasta

ingthem,orthatIwasrunningoutofpaper-weights.Butheneverbelievedme.He newthathewouldhavesaidsomethingli ethathimself.

Nothingiseasierthantoassumethatotherpeopleshareone'swea nesses.NodoubtJac theRipperexcusedhimselfonthegroundthatitwashumannature;possibly,indeed,hewroteanessayli ethis,inwhichhespeculatedmildlyastothereasonswhichmadestabbingsoattractivetousall.SoIrealizethatImaybedoingyouaninjusticeinsuggestingthatyouwhoreadmayalsohaveyourlittlesnobberies.ButIconfessthatIshouldli etocross-examineyou.Ifinconversationwithyou,onthe

subject(letussay)ofheredity,asubjecttowhichyouhaddevotedagooddealofstudy,Itoo itforgrantedthatyouhadreadOmmany'sApproximations,wouldyouma eitquitecleartomethatyouhadnotreadit?Orwouldyouletmecarryonthediscussionontheassumptionthatyou newitwell;wouldyou,even,inanswertoadirectquestion,sayshamefacedlythatthoughyouhadnot--er--actuallyreadit,you--er-- newaboutit,ofcourse,andhad--er--readextractsfromit?SomehowIthin

thatIcouldleadyouontothis;perhapsevenma eyousaythatyouhadactuallyordereditfromyourlibrary,beforeItoldyouthehorridtruththatOmmany'sApproximationswasaninventionofmyown.

Itisabsurdthatwe(Isay"we,"forIincludeyounow)shouldbehaveli ethis,forthereisnoboo overwhichweneedbeashamed,eithertohavereaditornottohavereadit.Letus,therefore,befran .InordertoremovetheunfortunateimpressionofmyselfwhichIhavegivenyou,IwillconfessthatIhaveonlyreadthreeofScott'snovels,andbegun,butneverfinished,twoofHenryJames'.Iwillalsoconfess--andhereIambywayofrestoringthatunfortunateimpression--thatIdoquitewellinScottishandJacobeancirclesonthosefiveboo s.For,ifaquestionarisesastowhichisScott'smasterpiece,it



iseasyformetosuggestoneofmythree,withtheairofonewhohaschosenit,notovertwoothers,butovertwenty.Perhapsoneofmythreeistheac nowledgedmasterpiece;Idonot now.Ifitis,then,ofcourse,alliswell.Butifitisnot,thenImustappearratheracleverfellowforhavingrejectedtheobvious.WithregardtoHenryJames,mypositionisnotquitesosecure;butatleastIhavegoodreasonforfeelingthatthetwonovelswhichIwasunabletofinishcannotbehisbest,andwithalittletactIcanappeartobedefendingthisopinionhotlyagainstsomeimaginaryauthoritywhohasdeclaredinfavourofthem.Onemighthavereadthecollectedwor sofbothauthors,yetma elessofanimpression.

Indeed,sometimesIfeelthatIhavereadtheircollectedwor s,andOmmany'sApproximations,andmanyotherboo swithwhichyouwouldbeonlytoogladtoassumefamiliarity.ForingivingotherstheimpressionthatIamontermswiththesemasterpieces,Ihavebuthandedonanimpressionwhichhasgraduallyformeditselfinmyownmind.SoIta enoadvantageofthem;andifitappearsafterwardsthatwehavebeendeceivedtogether,Ishallbeatleastassurprisedandindignantaboutitasthey.

AQuestionofForm

Thelatestinventiononthemar etisthewaspgun.Intheoryitissomethingli ealetterclip;youpullthetriggerandtheupperandlowerplatessnaptogetherwithasuddennesswhichwouldsurpriseanyinsectinbetween.Thetroublewillbetogethimintherightplacebeforefiring.ButIcanseethatalotoffuncanbegotoutofawaspdrive.Weshallstandontheedgeofthemarmaladewhilethebeatersgothroughit,and,given

sufficientguns,therewillnotbemanyinsectstoescape.Aloadertocleantheweaponatregularintervalswillbeanecessity.

YetIamafraidthatsocietywillloo downuponthewaspgun.Anythingusefulandhandyisalwaysbarredbythebestpeople.Icanimagineabounderbeingdescribedas"thesortofpersonwhousesawaspguninsteadofateaspoon."Asweall now,ahat-guardisthemar ofaverylowfellow.IsupposetheideaisthatyouandI,beingsodashedrich,donotmuchmindifourstrawhatdoesblowoffintotheSerpentine;itisonlythepoorwretchofacler ,unabletoaffordanewoneeveryday,whomustta eprecautionsagainstlosinghisfirst.Yethowneat,how

useful,isthehat-guard.Withwhatprideitsinventormusthavegivenbirthtoit.ProbablyheexpectedastatueatthecornerofCromwellRoad,fittingrewardforapublicbenefactor.Hedidnotunderstandthat,sincehisinventionwasuseful,itwasprobablybadform.

Consider,again,theRichardor"dic y."Couldtherebeanythingneaterormoredressy,anythingmorethoroughlyuseful?YetyouandIscorntowearone.IrememberaterriblesituationinastorybyMr.W.S.Jac son.Theherofoundhimselfinaforeign



hotelwithouthisluggage.Tothathotelcame,withherfather,thegirlwhomheadoredsilently.Aninvitationwasgivenhimtodinnerwiththem,andhehadtoborrowwhatclotheshecouldfromfriendlywaiters.These,alas!includedadic y.Well,thedinnerbeganwell;ourheromadeanexcellentimpression;allwasgaiety.Suddenlyacandlewasoverturnedandtheflamecaughttheheroine'sfroc .Thehero newwhattheemergencydemanded.He

newhowheroesalwayswhippedofftheircoatsandwrappedthemroundburningheroines.Hejumpedupli eabullet(orwhateverjumpsupquic est)and--remembered.

Hehadadic yon!Withouthiscoat,hewoulddiscoverthedic ytotheonepersonofallfromwhomhewishedtohideit.Yetifhe epthiscoaton,shemightdie.Atrulyhorribledilemma.Iforgetwhichhornheimpaledhimselfupon,butIexpectyouandIwouldhave eptthesecretoftheRichardatallcosts.Andwhatreallyiswrongwithafalseshirt-front?Nothingexceptthatitbetraysthepovertyofthewearer.Laundrybillsdon'tworryus,blessyou,whohaveanewstrawhateveryday;buthowterribleifitwassuspectedthattheydid.

Ourgentlemanlyobjectiontothemade-uptieseemstorestonadifferentfoundation;Iamdoubtfulastothepsychologyofthat.Ofcourseitisadeception,butadeceptionisonlyseriouswhen

itpassesitselfoffassomethingwhichreallymatters.Nobodythin sthataself-tiedtiematters;nobodyisreallyproudofbeingabletoma eacravatoutofalengthofsil .Isupposeitissimplythefactthatamade-uptiesavestimewhichcondemnsit;thesafetyrazorwasnearlycondemnedforali ereason.Weoftheleisuredclassescanspendhoursoverourtoilet;byallmeansletusdespisethosewhocannot.

Asfarasdressgoes,amanonly nowsthethingswhichamanmustn'tdo.Itwouldbeinterestingifwomenwouldtelluswhatnorealladyeverdoes.Ihaveheardawomanclassifiedcontemptuouslyasonewhodoesherhairupwithtwohair-pins,andnodoubtbadfeminineformcanbeobservedinothershoc ing

directions.Butagainitseemstobethatthesemblanceofpoverty,whetherofmeansorofleisure,istheonethingwhichmustbeavoided.

Why,then,shouldthewaspgunbeconsideredbadform?Idon't now,butIhaveaninstinctivefeelingthatitwillbe.Perhapsawaspgunindicatesalac ofsilverspoonssuitableforlethaluses.Perhapsitshowstoocarefulaconsiderationofthemarmalade.Amanofmoneydrownshiswaspinthejarwithhisspoon,andcarelesslycallsforanotherpottobeopened.Thepoormanwaitsontheouts irtswithhisgun,andthemarmalade,voidofcorpses,canstillbepassedround.Yourgunproclaimsyourpoverty;thenletitbeavoided.

AllthesameIthin Ishallhaveone.Ihave eptclearofhat-guardsandRichardsandmade-uptieswithoutquite nowingwhy,buthonestlyIhavenotfeltthelossofthem.Thewaspgunisdifferent;havingseenit,IfeelthatIshouldbemiserablewithoutit.Itisgoingtobeexcellentsport,wasp-shooting;asteadyhand,agoodeye,andacertainamountofcouragewillbecalledfor.WhentheseasonopensIshallbethere,goodformorbadform.Weshallshoottheapple-quincecovertsfirst."Hornetover!"



ASliceofFiction

Thisisajollyworld,anddelightfulthingsgooninit.Forinstance,IhadapicturepostcardonlyyesterdayfromWilliamBenson,whoisstayingatIlfracombe.HewrotetosaythathehadgonedowntoIlfracombeforashortholiday,andhadbeenmuchstruc bythebeautyoftheplace.Ononeofhiswal shehappenedtonoticethattherewastobeasaleofseveralplotsoflandoccupyingaquiteuniquepositioninfrontofthesea.Hehadimmediatelythoughtofmeinconnectionwithit.Myreadinesstoconsideragoodinvestmenthadlongbeen nowntohim,andinadditionhehadheardrumoursthatImightbecomingdowntoIlfracombeinordertorecruitmyhealth.Ifso,herewasachancewhichshouldbebroughttomy nowledge.Furtherparticulars...andsoon.WhichwasextremelyfriendlyofWilliamBenson.Infact,myonlycomplaintofWilliamisthathe

hashisletterslithographed--anastyhabitinafriend.ButIhaveallowedmyselftobecarriedaway.ItwasnotreallyofMr.BensonthatIwasthin ingwhenIsaidthatdelightfulthingsgooninthisworld,butofacertainpairoflovers,thetragedyofwhosestoryhasbeenrevealedtomeinatwo-line"agony"inamorningpaper.Whenanythingparticularlyattractivehappensinreallife,weexpressourappreciationbysayingthatitisthesortofthingwhichonereadsaboutinboo s--perhapsthehighestcomplimentwecanpaytoNature.Well,thestoryunderlyingthisadvertisementree softhefeuilletonandthestage.

"PAT,Iwasalonewhenyoucalled.Youheardmetal ingtothe

dog.PLEASEma

eappointment.--DAISY."Youwillagreewithmewhenyoureadthisthatitisalmosttoogoodtobetrue.ThereisafreshnessandanaivetâaboutitwhichisonlytobefoundinAmericanmelodrama.Letusreconstructthesituation,andweshallseeatoncehowdelightfullytruetofictionreallifecanbe.

PatwasinlovewithDaisy--engagedtoherwemaysaywithconfidence(forareasonwhichwillappearinamoment).Buteventhoughshehadplightedhertrothtohim,hewasjealous,miserablyjealous,ofeverymalebeingwhoapproachedher.Onedaylastwee hecalledonheratthehouseinNettingHill.The

parlour-maidopenedthedoorandsmiledbrightlyathim."MissDaisyisupstairsinthedrawing-room,"shesaid."Than you,"hereplied,"Iwillannouncemyself."(Nowyouseehowwe nowthattheywereengaged.Hemusthaveannouncedhimselfinordertohavereachedthesituationimpliedinthe"agony,"andhewouldnothavebeenallowedtodosoifhehadnothadthestandingofafiance.)

Foramomentbefore noc ingPatric stoodoutsidethedrawing-roomdoor,andinthatmomentthetragedyoccurred;heheardhis



lady'svoice."DARLING!"itsaid,"sheSHALL isshersweetest,ownest,littlepupsy-wupsy."

Patric 'sbrowgrewblac .Hisstrongjawclenched(justli ethejawsofthosepeopleonthestage),andhestaggeredbac fromthedoor."Thisistheend,"hemuttered.Thenhestrodedownthestairsandoutintothestiflingstreets.Andupinthedrawing-roomofthehouseinNettingHillDaisyandthetoypomsatandwonderedwhytheirlordandmasterwassolate.

NowwecometotheletterwhichPatric wrotetoDaisy,tellingherthatitwasallover.Hewouldexplaintoherhowhehad"accidentally"(hewoulddwelluponthat)accidentallyoverheardherandher----(probablyhewasrathercoarsehere)exchangingtermsofendearment;hewouldaccuseherofbetrayingonewhoseonlyfaultwasthathelovedhernotwiselybuttoowell;hewouldannouncegloomilythathehadlosthisfaithinwomen.Allthisiscertain.Butitwouldappearalsothathemadesomesuchthreatasthis--mostli elyinapostscript:"Itisnogoodyourwriting.Therecanbenoexplanation.Yourletterswillbedestroyedunopened."Itisaquestion,however,ifeventhiswouldhavepreventedDaisyfromtryinganappealbypost,forthoughonemaytal aboutdestroyinglettersunopened,itisanextremelydifficultthingtodo.Ifeel,therefore,that

Patric

'sletteralmostcertainlycontainedaP.P.S.also--tothiseffect:"IcannotremaininLondonwherewehavespentsomanyhappyhourstogether.IamprobablyleavingfortheRoc yMountainsto-night.Letterswillnotbeforwarded.Donotattempttofollowme."

AndsoDaisywasleftwithonlytheonemeansofcommunicationandexplanation--theagonycolumnsofthemorningnewspapers."Iwasalonewhenyoucalled.Youheardmetal ingtothedog.PLEASEma eappointment."InthelastsentencethereisjustahintofironywhichIfindveryattractive.Itseemstometosay,"Don'tforheaven'ssa ecomerushingbac toNottingHill(allloveandremorse)withoutwarning,oryoumighthearme

tal

ingtothecatorthecanary.Ma

eanappointment,andI'llta ecarethatthere'sNOTHINGintheroomwhenyoucome."Wemaytellourselves,Ithin ,thatDaisyunderstandsherPatric .Infact,IambeginningtounderstandPatric myself,andIseenowthattherealreasonwhyDaisychosetheagonycolumnasthemediumofcommunicationwasthatshe newPatric wouldpreferit.Patric isdistinctlythesortofmanwholi esagonycolumns.IamsureitwasthefirstthingheturnedtoonWednesdaymorning.

ItoccurstometowonderifthehoneymoonwillbespentatIlfracombe.Patric musthavereceivedWilliamBenson'spicturepostcardtoo.Wehaveallhadone.JustfancyifheHADgoneto

theRoc

yMountains;almostcertainlyMr.Benson'sletterswouldnothavebeenforwarded.

TheLabel



OnthoserareoccasionswhenIputonmybestclothesandventureintosociety,IamalwaysastonishedatthenumberofpeopleinitwhomIdonot now.Ihavestoodinacrowdedball-room,orsatinacrowdedrestaurant,andreflectedthat,ofallthehundredsofsoulspresent,therewasnotoneofwhoseexistenceIhadpreviouslyhadanysuspicion.Yettheyalllivetremendouslyimportantlives,livesnotonlyimportanttothemselvesbuttonumbersoffriendsandrelations;everydaytheycrosssomesortofRubicon;andtoeachoneofthemtherecomesatimewhenthewholeoftherestoftheworld(including--confoundit!--me)seemsabsolutelyofnoaccountwhatever.ThatIhadlivedalltheseyearsincontentedignoranceoftheirexistencema esmealittleashamed.

To-dayinmyoldestclothesIhavewanderedthroughtheindexofTheTimesLiterarySupplement,andIamnowfeelingalittleashamedofmyignoranceofsomanyboo s.Ofnovelsalonethereseemtobeabout900.Towriteevenathoroughlyfutilenovelis,tomythin ing,awor ofextraordinaryendurance;yetin,say,600housesthiswor hasbeengoingon,andI(andyou,andallofus)haveremainedutterlyunmoved.Well,Ihavebeenma ingupformyindifferencethismorning.Ihavebeenreadingthetitlesoftheboo s.Thatisnotsogood(orbad)asreadingtheboo s

themselves,butitenablesmetosaythatIhaveheardofsuchandsuchanovel,andinsomecasesitdoesgivemeaslightcluetowhatgoesoninside.

Ishouldimaginethatthebestpartofwritinganovelwasthechoosingatitle.Myideaofatitleisthatitshouldbesomethingwhichreflectsthespiritofyourwor andgivesthehesitatingpurchasersomeindicationofwhatheisas edtobuy.Tocallyourboo EthnanFrameorEstherGrantorJohnTempleorJohnMerridew(Iquotefromtheindex)istohelpthereadernotatall.AllittellshimisthatoneofthecharactersinsidewillbecalledJohnorEsther--amatter,probably,ofindifferencetohim.Phyllisisabettertitle,becauseitdoes

giveasuggestionofthenatureoftheboo

.Nonovelwithatragicending,nopowerfulrealisticnovel,wouldbecalledPhyllis.WithouthavingreadPhyllisIshouldsaythatitwasacharmingstoryofsuburbanlife,toldmostlyindialogue,andthatPhyllisherselfwasaperfectdear--thoughalittlecruelaboutthatfirstboxofchocolateshesenther.However,shemarriedhimintheendallright.

Butifyoudon'tcallyourboo PhyllisorJohnTempleorMrs.Elmsley,what--Ihearyouas ing--areyoutocallit?Well,youmightcallitKapa ,asIseesomebodyhasdone.ThebeautyofKapa asatitleisthatifyoucomeintotheshopbythebac

entrance,andsoapproachtheboo fromthewrongend,itis

stillKapa

.Atitlewhichloo

sthesamefromeitherendisofimmenseadvantagetoanauthor.Besides,inthisparticularcasethereisamysteryaboutKapa whichoneisburningtosolve.Isitthebride'spetnameforherfather-in-law,thepasswordintothemagiccastle,orthatnewstuffwithwhichyoupolishbrownboots?Orisitonlyacamera?Letusbuytheboo atonceandfindout.

AnothermysterytitleisTheManwithThic erBeard,whichprobablymeanssomething.Itisli eKapa inthis,thatitreads



equallywellbac wards;butitisnotsosubtle.Still,weshouldprobablybeluredontobuyit.Ontheotherhand,AWelshNightingaleandaWould-beSuffragetteisjustthesortofboo

towhichwewouldnotbetemptedbythetitle.Itisbadenoughtohavetosaytotheshopman,"HaveyouAWelshNightingaleandaWould-beSuffragette?"butifweforgotthetitle,asweprobablyshould,andhadtoas atrandomforawould-benightingaleandaWelshsuffragette,orawoodnightingaleandaWelshrabbit,ortheWelshsuffragette'snightingaol,weshouldsoonbegintowishthatwehaddecidedonsomequitesimpleboo

suchasGreed,Earth,orJonah.

AndthisiswhyaFrenchtitleisalwayssuchamista e.Authorsmustrememberthattheirreadershavenotonlytoordertheboo ,inmanycases,verbally,butalsotorecommendittotheirfriends.SoIthin Mr.OliverOnionsmadeamista ewhenhecalledhiscollectionofshortstoriesPotauFeu.Itisagoodtitle,butitisthesortoftitletowhichthepersontowhomyouarerecommendingtheboo alwaysanswers,"What?"Andwhenpeoplesay"What?"inreplytoyourbestParisianaccent,theonlythingpossibleforyouistochangethesubjectaltogether.Butitisquitetimethatwecametosomesortofdecisionastowhatma estheperfecttitle.Kapa willattractbuyers,asIhavesaid,thoughtosomeitmaynotseemquitefair.Excellent

fromacommercialpointofview,itdoesnotsatisfytheconditionswelaiddownatfirst.Thetitle,weagreed,mustreflectthespiritoftheboo .InonesenseFiveGallonsofGasolenedoesthis,butofcoursenobodycouldas forthatinaboo -shop.

Well,then,hereisaperfecttitle,TheirHighAdventure.Thatexplainsitselfjustsufficiently.WhenaMan'sMarried,ForHenriandNavarre,andTheKingOvertheWaterarealittlemoreobvious,buttheyarestillgood.TheLoveStoryofaMormonma esnoattempttodeceivethepurchaser,butitcanhardlybecalledabeautifultitle.MelodyinSilver,ontheotherhand,isbeautiful,butforthisreasonma esoneafraidtobuyit,lest

thereshouldbedisappointmentwithin.Infact,asIloo

downtheindex,IambeginningtofeelgladthattherearesomanyhundredsofnovelswhichIhaven'tread.Inmostofthemtherewouldbedisappointment.Andreallyoneonlyreadsboo snowadayssoastobeabletosaytoone'sneighbouronone'srareappearancesinsociety,"HAVEyoureadTheForgedCoupon,andWHATdoyouthin ofTheMuc Ra e?"Andforthisanindexisquiteenough.

TheProfession

Ihavebeenreadingalittleboo calledHowtoWriteforthePress.Otherboo swhichhavebeenpublisheduponthesamesubjectareHowtoBeanAuthor,HowtoWriteaPlay,HowtoSucceedasaJournalist,HowtoWritefortheMagazines,andHowtoEarnÂ£600aYearwiththePen.Ofthesethelast-namedhas,Ithin ,themostpleasingtitle.Anybodycanwriteaplay;the



troubleistogetitproduced.Almostanybodycanbeanauthor;thebusinessistocollectmoneyandfamefromthisstateofbeing.Writingforthemagazines,again,soundsadelightfuloccupation,butliterallyitmeansnothingwithouttheco-operationoftheeditorsofthemagazines,anditisthisco-operationwhichissodifficulttosecure.ButtoearnÂ£600ayearwiththepenistodoadefinitething;iftheboo couldreallytellthesecretofthat,itwouldhaveanenormoussale.Ihavenotreadit,soIcannotsaywhatthesecretis.Perhapsitwasonlyahandboo onforgery.

HowtoWriteforthePressdisappointedme.Itisconcernednotwiththeliteraryjournalist(asIbelieveheiscalled)butwiththereporter(asheisnevercalled,thepropertitlebeing"specialrepresentative").Itgivesintabularformalistofthefactsyoushouldascertainatthedifferentfunctionsyouattend;withthisboo inyourpoc ettherewouldbenoexcuseifyouneglectedtofindoutataweddingthenamesofthebrideandbridegroom.Italsogives--andIthin thisisveryfriendlyofit--alistofusefulsynonymsfortheprincipalsubjects,animateandinanimate,ofdescription.ThedangerofcallingtheprotagonistsatthecourtofHymen(thisoneisnotfromtheboo ;Ithoughtofitmyselfjustnow)--thedangerofcallingthem"thehappypair"morethanonceinacolumnisthatyour

readersbegintosuspectthatyouareapersonofextremelylimitedmind,andwhenoncetheygetthisideaintotheirheadstheyarenotinaproperstatetoappreciatetherestofyourarticle.Butifinyoursecondparagraphyouspea of"thejoyfulcouple,"andinyourthirdof"theecstaticbrace,"yougiveanimpressionofcarelessmysteryofthelanguagewhichcanneverbeshedaway.

Amongthemanyinterestingchaptersisonedealingwithcontestedelections.Oneofthequestionstowhichthespecialrepresentativewasadvisedtofindananswerwasthis:"Whatoutsidebodiesareta ingactivepartinthecontest?"Inthebadolddays--nowhappilygoneforever--theoutsidebodiesofdead

catsusedtota

eanactiveandimportantpartinthecontest,andasthesamebodywouldoftenbeusedtwicethereporterinsearchofstatisticswasplacedinapositionofgreatresponsibility.Nowadays,Isuppose,heisonlymeanttoconcernhimselfwithsuchbodiesastheCoalConsumers'LeagueandtheTariffReformLeague,andtherewouldbenodoubtinthemindofanybodyastowhethertheywerethereornot.

IamafraidIshouldnotbeasuccessas"ourspecialrepresentative."Ishouldneverthin ofhalfthethingswhichoccurtothegoodreporter.Youreadinyourlocalpaperasentenceli ethis:"Thebride'sbrother,whoonlyarrivedlastwee fromAustralia,whereheheldanimportantpostunderthe

Government,andisabouttoproceedonatourthroughCanadawith--curiouslyenough--anephewofthebride-groom,gaveheraway."Well,whatamassofinformationhastobegleanedbeforethatsentencecanbewritten.Orthis."Thehallwaspac edtosuffocation,andbeneaththeglareoftheelectriclight--speciallyinstalledforthisoccasionbyMessrs.AmpÅre&SonofPumpton,thebuildingbeingatordinarytimesstri inglydeficientinthematterofartificiallightinginspiteoftheeffortsofthemoreprogressivemembersofthetowncouncil--thefacesofnotafewofthefairersexcouldbeobserved."You



now,IamafraidIshouldhaveforgottenallthat.Ishouldsimplyhaveobtainedacopyoftheprincipalspeech,andprefaceditwiththewords,"Mr.Dodberrythenspo easfollows";or,ifmyconsciencewouldnotallowofsuchapalpablemisstatement,"Mr.Dodberrythenrosewiththeintentionofspea ingasfollows."

InthemorehumanartofinterviewingIshouldbeequallyatfault.Theinterviewitselfwouldbesatisfactory,butIamafraidthatitspublicationwouldleadpeopletobelievethatallthebestthingshadbeensaidbyme.Torememberwhatanybodyelsehassaidiseasy;toremember,evenfiveminutesafter,whatonehassaidoneselfisalmostimpossible.FortorecallYOURremar sinourargumentattheclublastnightissimplyamatterofmemory;torecallMINE,IhavetoforgetallthatImeanttohavesaid,allthatIoughttohavesaid,andallthatIhavethoughtuponthesubjectsince.

Infact,Ibegintoseethatthesuccessfulreportermusteliminatehispersonalityaltogether,whereasthesuccessfulliteraryjournalistdependsforhissuccessentirelyuponhispersonality--whichiswhatismeantby"style."Isupposeitisforthisreasonthat,whentheliteraryjournalistissentas"ourextra-specialrepresentative"toreportaprizefightora

finalcuptieorapoliticalmeeting,theresultisalwaysappalling.The"ego"bulgesoutofeveryline,obviouslyconsciousthatitisshowingusnoordinaryreporting,determinedthatitwillnotbeovershadowedbytheimportanceofthesubject.Andthosewhoaremoreinterestedinthematterthaninthemannerregardhimasanintruder,andtheothersregretthatheissogreatlyovertaxinghisstrength.

Soeachtohisbusiness,andhishandboo toeach--HowtoWriteforthePresstothespecialrepresentative,andHowtoBeanAuthortotheauthor.Thereisnoboo ,Ibelieve,calledHowtoBeaSolicitor,oradoctororanadmiralorabrewer.Thatisadifferentmatteraltogether;butanyfoolcanwriteforthe

papers.

Smo ingasaFineArt

MyfirstintroductiontoLadyNicotinewasattheinnocentageofeight,when,findingasmallpieceofsomebodyelse'stobaccolyingunclaimedontheground,Idecidedtoexperimentwithit.

Numerousdesertislandstorieshadtoldmethatthepangsofhungercouldbeallayedbychewingtobacco;itwasthusthattheherostavedoffdeathbeforediscoveringthebread-fruittree.Everyright-mindedboyofeighthopestobeshipwrec edoneday,anditwasproperthatIshouldfindoutformyselfwhethermyauthoritiescouldbetrustedinthismatter.SoIchewedtobacco.InthesensethatIcertainlydidnotdesirefoodforsometimeafterwards,myexperiencejustifiedtheauthorities,butIfeltatthetimethatitwasnotsomuchforstavingoffdeathasforreconcilingoneselftoitthattobacco-chewingwastobe



recommended.Ihaveneverpractiseditsince.

AteighteenIwenttoCambridge,andboughttwopipesinacase.InthosedaysGree wascompulsory,butnotmoresothantwopipesinacase.Oneofthepipeshadanamberstemandtheotheravulcanitestem,andbothofthemhadsilverbelts.Thatalsowascompulsory.Havingboughtthem,onewasfreetosmo ecigarettes.However,attheendofmyfirstyearIgottowor

seriouslyonashillingbriar,andIhavesmo edthat,orsomethingli eit,eversince.

Inthelastfouryearstherehasgrownupanewschoolofpipe-smo ers,bywhich(Isuspect)Iamhardlyregardedasapipe-smo eratall.Thisschoolbuysitspipesalwaysatoneparticularshop;itspupilswouldassoonthin ofsmo ingapipewithoutthewhitespotasofsmo ingbrownpaper.Sofararetheyfromsmo ingbrownpaperthateachoneofthemhashistobaccospeciallyblendedaccordingtothecolourofhishair,histasteinrevues,andthelocalityinwhichhelives.Thefirstblendisnaturallynottheidealone.Itisonlywhenhehasbeenaconfirmedsmo erforatleastthreemonths,and nowsthebestandworstofalltobaccos,thathisexactrequirementscanbesatisfied.

However,itisthepiperatherthanthetobaccowhichmar

shimasbelongingtothisparticularschool.Hepinshisfaith,notsomuchtoitslabour-savingdevicesastothewhitespotoutside,thewhitespotofanotherwiseaimlesslife.ThistellstheworldthatitisoneofTHEpipes.Neverwasanannouncementmoresuperfluous.Fromthemoment,shortlyafterbrea fast,whenhestri eshisfirstmatchtothemoment,justbeforebed-time,whenhestri eshishundredth,itisobviouslyTHEpipewhichheissmo ing.

Forwhereasmenofanolderschool,li emyself,smo eforthepleasureofsmo ing,menofthisschoolsmo eforthepleasureofpipe-owning--ofselectingwhichoftheirmanywhite-spottedpipes

theywillfillwiththeirspecially-blendedtobacco,offillingtheonesochosen,oflightingit,ofta ingitfromthemouthtogazelovinglyatthewhitespotandthuslettingitgoout,oflightingitagainandlettingitgooutagain,ofpolishingitupwiththeirownspecialpolisherandputtingittobed,andthenthepleasureofbeginningalloveragainwithanotherwhite-spottedone.Theyarenotsomuchpipe-smo ersaspipe- eepers;andtohavespo enasIdidjustnowoftheirowningpipeswaswrong,foritistheywhoareinbondagetothewhitespot.Thisschoolisfoundedfirmlyonfouryearsofwar.Whenattheageofeighteenyouaresuddenlygivenacheque-boo andcalled"Sir,"youmustdosomethingbywayofac nowledgment.Apipeinthemouthma esitclearthattherehasbeennomista e--youare

undoubtedlyaman.Butyoumaybeexcusedforfeelingafterthefirstpipethatthejoysofsmo inghavebeenratedtoohigh,andfortryingtoextractyourpleasurefromthepolishonthepipe'ssurface,theprideofpossessingaspecialmixtureofyourown,andsuch-li ematters,ratherthanfromtheactualinspirationandexpirationofsmo e.Inthesamewayamannotfondofreadingmayfinddelightinalibraryofwell-boundboo s.Theyarepleasanttohandle,pleasanttotal about,pleasanttoshowtofriends.Butitisthemanwithoutthelibraryofwell-boundboo swhogenerallydoesmostofthereading.



SoIfeelthatitisweoftheolderschoolwhodomostofthesmo ing.Wesmo eunconsciouslywhilewearedoingotherthings;THEYtry,butnotverysuccessfully,todootherthingswhiletheyareconsciouslysmo ing.Nodoubttheydespiseus,andtellthemselvesthatwearenotrealsmo ers,butIfancythattheyfeelalittleuneasysometimes.Formyyoungfriendsarealwaystryingtopersuademetojointheirschool,tobecomeoneofthewhite-spottedones.Ihavenodesiretobeoftheircompany,butIampreparedtoma easuggestiontothefounderoftheschool.Itisthatheshouldinventapipe,whitespotandall,whichsmo esitself.Hispupilscouldhangitinthemouthaspicturesquelyasbefore,buttheincidentalbotherof eepingitalightwouldnolongertroublethem.

ThePathtoGlory

MyfriendMr.SidneyMandragonisgettingon.Heisnowoneof

thegreatonesoftheearth.Hehasjustbeenreferredtoas"AmongthosepresentwasMr.SidneyMandragon."

Aseverybody nows(orwill nowwhentheyhavereadthisarticle)thefourstagesalongtheroadtoliteraryfamearemar edbythefourdifferentmannersinwhichthetraveller'spresenceatapublicfunctionisrecordedinthePress.Atthefirststagethereporterglancesatthelistofguests,andsaystohimself,"Mr.GeorgeMeredith--neverheardofhim,"andforalltheworld nowsnextmorning,Mr.GeorgeMeredithmightjustaswellhavestayedathome.Atthesecondstage(someyearslater)thereportermurmurstohisneighbourinapuzzledsortofway:"GeorgeMeredith?GeorgeMeredith?NowwherehaveIcome

acrossthatnamelately?Wasn'thethemanwhopushedawheelbarrowacrossAmerica?Orwashethechapwhogaveevidenceinthatmurdertriallastwee ?"And,feelingthatineithercasehisreaderswillbeinterestedinthefellow,hesays:"Theguestsincluded...Mr.GeorgeMeredithandmanyothers."Atthethirdstagethereporter nowsatlastwhoMr.GeorgeMeredithis.Havingseenanadvertisementofoneofhisboo s,andbeingprettysurethatthepublichasreadnoneofthem,hereferstohimas"Mr.GeorgeMeredith,thewell- nownnovelist."Thefourthandfinalstage,beyondthereachofallbutthefavouredfew,isarrivedatwhenthereportercanleavethenametohispublicuntic eted,andsaysagain,"AmongthosepresentwasMr.GeorgeMeredith."

Thethirdstageiseasytoreach--indeed,tooeasy.The"well- nownactresses"arenotEllenTerry,IreneVanbrughandMarieTempest,butMissBirdieVavasour,whohasdiscoveredanewwayofdar eningthehair,andMissGirliedeTracy,whohasbeenarrestedforshop-lifting.Inthesameway,themorethePressinsiststhatawriteris"well- nown,"thelesshopewillhehavethatthepublichasheardofhim.Betterfartoremainatthesecondstage,andtoflatteroneselfthatonehasreallyarrivedatthefourth.



ButmyfriendSidneyMandragonis,indeed,atthefinalstagenow,forhehadbeen"thewell- nownwriter"foratleastadozenyearspreviously.Ofcourse,hehasbeenhelpedbyhisname.Sha espearemaysaywhatheli es,butagoodnamegoesalongwayinthewritingprofession.Itwasmybusinessatonetimetoconsidercontributionsforacertainpaper,andtherewasoneparticularcontributorwhosewor Iapproachedwithanawebegottensolelyofhisname.ItwasnotexactlyMilton,andnotexactlyCarlyle,andnotexactlyCharlesLamb,butitwasasortofmixtureofallthreeandofmanyotherfamousnamesthrownin,sothat,withouthavingseenanyofhiswor printedelsewhere,IfeltthatIcouldnotta etheris ofrefusingitmyself."Thisisagoodman,"Iwouldsaybeforebeginninghisarticle;"thismanobviouslyhasstyle.AndIshouldn'tbesurprisedtohearthathewasanauthorityonfishing."IwishIcouldrememberhisnamenow,andthenyouwouldseeforyourself.

Well,ta eMr.HughWalpole(ifhewillallowme).Itissafetosaythat,whenMr.Walpole'sfirstboo cameout,theaveragereaderfeltvaguelythatshehadheardofhimbefore.Shehadn'tactuallyreadhisfamousLetters,butshehadoftenwantedto,and--orwasthathisuncle?Anyway,shehadoftenheardpeopletal ingabouthim.Whataverytalentedfamilyitwas!Inthe

samewaySidneyMandragonhashadthegreatassistanceofoneofthetwoChristiannameswhichcarryweightinjournalism.Theother,ofcourse,isHarold.IfyouareSidneyorHarold,theliteraryworldisbeforeyou.

Anotherhall-mar bywhichwecantellwhetheramanhasarrivedornotisprovidedbytheinterview.If(say)aLepidopteristisjustbeginninghiscareer,nobodybothersabouthisopinionsonanything.Ifheismoderatelywell- nowninhisprofession,thepaperswillsee hishelpwheneverhisownparticularsubjectcomesupintheday'snews.Thereisasuggestion,perhaps,inParliamentthatbutterfliesshouldbemuzzled,and"OurRepresentative"promptlycallsupon"thewell- nown

Lepidopterist"toas

whatHEthin

saboutit.Butifhebeofanestablishedreputation,thenhisprofessionalopinionisnolongersought.WhattheworldiseagerfornowistobetoldhisviewsonSundayGames,theDecadenceoftheTheatreorBandsinthePar s.

Themodernadvertisingprovidesanewscaleofvalues.NodoubtMr.Pelmanoffershiscelebratedhundredguineas'feeequallytoallhisvictims,butwemaybeprettysurethatinhisbusiness-li ebrainhehaseachoneofthemnicelylabelled,aGallantSoldierbeinggoodforsomuchnewbusiness,atitledManofLettersbeinggoodforslightlyless;andthatrealFameisbestmeasuredbythenumberoftimesthatone'sunbiasedviewson

Pelmanism(orTonicsorHair-Restorers)areconsideredtobeworthreprinting.InthismattermyfriendMandragonisdoingnicely.Forasuitablefeeheispreparedtoattributehissuccesstoanythinginreason,andhisconfessionoffaithcancountuponaplaceineveryfull-pageadvertisementofthemixture,andfrequentlyintheoddhalf-columns.IneverquiteunderstandwhyatonicwhichhastightenedupMandragon'sfibres,oraMind-TrainingSystemwhichhasbroughtGeneralBlan 'sintellecttoitspresentpitch,shouldbeacceptedmoregreedilybytheman-in-the-streetthanaremedywhichhasonlyprovedits



valueinthecaseofhisundistinguishedneighbour,butthenIcanneverunderstandquiteanumberofthings.However,thatdoesn'tmatter.AllthatmattersatthemomentisthatMr.SidneyMandragonhasnowachievedglory.Probablythepapershavealreadypigeon-holedhisobituarynotice.Itisapleasingthought.

AProbleminEthics

Lifeisfulloflittleproblems,whicharisesuddenlyandfindonewhollyunpreparedwithasolution.Forinstance,youtraveldowntoWimbledonontheDistrictRailway--first-class,letussuppose,becauseitisyourbirthday.Onyourarrivalyoufindthatyouhavelostyourtic et.Now,doubtlessthereissomesortofrecognizedbusinesstobegonethroughwhichrelievesyouofthenecessityofpayingagain.Youproduceanaffidavitofaterriblyaffirmativenature,togetherwithyourcardandatestimonialfromabeneficedmemberoftheChurchofEngland.Or

youconductagenialcorrespondencewiththetrafficmanagerwhichspreadsitselfoversixmonths.Tosaveyourselfthisbotheryousimplytellthecollectorthatyouhaven'tatic etandhavecomefromCharingCross.Isitnecessarytoadd"first-class"?

Ofcourseonehasastrongfeelingthatoneoughtto,butIthin

astillstrongerfeelingthatoneisn'tdefraudingtherailwaycompanyifonedoesn't.(Iwilltrynottogetsomany"ones"intomynextsentence.)Foryoumayarguefairlythatyouestablishedyourrighttotravelfirst-classwhenyousteppedintothecarriagewithyourtic et--and,itmaybe,haditexaminedthereinbyaninspector.Allthatyouwanttodonowis

toestablishyourrighttoleavetheWimbledonplatformforthepurerairofthecommon.Andyoucandothisperfectlyeasilywithathird-classtic et.

However,thisisaproblemwhichwillonlyariseifyouarecarelesswithyourproperty.Buthowevercarefulyouare,itmayhappentoyouatanymomentthatyoubecomesuddenlytheownerofashillingwithaholeinit.

Iamsuchanowner.Ienteredintopossessionawee ago--Heaven nowswhoplayedthethingoffonme.AssoonasImadethediscoveryIwentintoatobacconist'sandboughtaboxofmatches.

"This,"hesaid,loo ingatmereproachfully,"isashillingwithaholeinit."

"I now,"Isaid,"butit'sallright,than s.Idon'twanttowearitanylonger.Thefactis,Joannahasthrownme--However,Ineedn'tgointothat."Hepasseditbac tome.

"IamafraidIcan'tta eit,"hesaid.



"Whynot?Imanagedto."

However,Ihadtogivehimonewithoutaholebeforehewouldletmeoutofhisshop.NexttimeIwasmorethoughtful.Ihandedthreetothecashieratmyrestaurantinpaymentoflunch,andtheventilatedonewasinthemiddle.Hesawthejo eofitjustasIwasescapingdownthestairs.

"Hi!"hesaid,"thisshillinghasaholeinit."

Iwentbac andloo edatit.Sureenoughithad.

"Well,that'sfunny,"Isaid."Didyoudropit,orwhat?"

Hehandedthe eepsa ebac tome.Healsohadsomethingofreproachinhiseye.

"Than s,verymuch,"Isaid."Iwouldn'thavelostitforworlds;Emily--ButImustn'tboreyouwiththestory.Gooddaytoyou."AndIgavehimamoresolidcoinandwent.

Well,that'showweareatpresent.Amoreunscrupulouspersonthanmyselfwouldhavepalmeditofflongago.Hewouldhavetoldhimselfwithhatefulcasuistrythatthecoinwasnonetheworse

fortheair-holeinit,andthat,ifeverybodywhocameintopossessionofitpresseditontothenextman,nobodywouldbeinjuredbyitscirculation.ButIcannotargueli ethis.Itpleasesmetogivemyshillingarunwiththeotherssometimes.Ili etoputitdownonacounterwithoneortwomore,preferablyinthemiddleofthemwherethedraughtcannotblowthroughit;butIshouldindeedbesurprised--Imeansorry--ifitdidnotcomebac tomeatonce.

Thereisonething,anyhow,thatIwillnotdo.Iwillnotgiveittoawaiterorataxi-driverortoanybodyelseasatip.Ifyouestimatethemar etvalueofashillingwithaholeinitatanythingfromninepencetofourpenceaccordingtotheowner's

chancesofgettingridofit,thenitmightbeconsideredpossiblyahandsome,anyhowanadequate,tipforadriver;butsomehowtheideadoesnotappealtomeatall.Foriftherecipientdidnotseethehole,youwouldfeelthatyouhadbeenunnecessarilygeneroustohim,andthatonelastefforttohavegotitoffontoashop eeperwouldhavebeenwiser;whileifhedidseeit--well,we nowwhatcabmenare.Hecouldn'tlegallyobject,itisavoluntarygiftonyourpart,andevenregardedasacontributiontohiswatchchainworthyofthan s,but--Well,Idon'tli eit.Idon'tthin it'ssportsmanli e.

However,Ihaveanideaatlast.I nowasmallboywhoownssomeleadsoldiers.Iproposetoborrowoneofthese--acorporalor

perhapsaserjeant--andboilhimdown,andthenfilluptheholeintheshillingwithlead.Shillings,you now,arenotsolidsilver;ohno,theyhavealloyinthem.Thisonewillhavealittlemorethanusualperhaps.Onecannottieoneselfdowntoanounceortwo.

Wesetout,Ibelieve,todiscussthemoralsofthequestion.Itisamostinterestingsubject.



TheHappiestHalf-HoursofLife

YesterdayIshouldhavegonebac toschool,hadIbeenahundredyearsyounger.Mymostfrequentdreamnowadays--ornowanightsIsupposeIshouldsay--isthatIambac atschool,andtryingtoconstruedifficultpassagesfromGree authorsun nowntome.Thattheyareun nownismyownfault,aswillbepointedouttomesternlyinamoment.MeanwhileIstandupandgazeblan lyatthetext,wonderinghowitisthatIcanhaveforgottentoprepareit."Er--himthe--er--himthe--theermany-wiledOdysseus--h'r'm--then,himaddressing,themany-wiledOdysseus--er--addressed.Er--er--theer--"Andthen,sweetrelief,Iwa eup.Thatisoneofmydreams;andanotheristhatIamtryingtocollectmyboo sforthenextschoolandthatanalgebra,orwhateveryouli e,ismissing.Thebellhasrung,asitseemshoursago,Iamsearchingmyshelvesdesperately,Iamdivingundermytable,behindthechair...Ishallbelate,Ishallbelate,late,late...

NodoubtIhadthesebadmomentsinreallifeahundredyearsago.IndeedImusthavehadthemprettyoftenthattheyshouldcomebac tomesoregularlynow.ButitiscuriousthatIshouldneverdreamthatIamgoingbac toschool,forthemiseryofgoingbac musthaveleftadeepermar onmymindthanallthelittleaccidentaltroublesoflifewhenthere.Iwasveryhappyatschool;butoh!theutterwretchednessofthelastdayoftheholidays.

OnebegantobeapprehensiveontheMonday.FoolishvisitorswouldsaysometimesontheMonday,"Whenareyougoingbac toschool?"andma eonelongto ic themfortheirtactlessness.Aswellmighttheyhavesaidtoacondemnedcriminal,"Whenare

yougoingtobehanged?"or,"What

indof--er--

notdoyouthin

they'lluse?"ThrougoutMondayandTuesdayweplayedtheusualgames,amusedourselvesintheusualway,butwithheavyhearts.Intheexcitementofthemomentwewouldforgetandbehappy,andthensuddenlywouldcomethethought,"We'regoingbac onWednesday."

AndonTuesdayeveningwewouldbringamoment'scomforttoourselvesbyimaginingthatwewerenotgoingbac onthemorrow.OurfavouritedreamwasthattheschoolwasburntdownearlyonWednesdaymorning,andthatatelegramarrivedatbrea fastapologizingfortheoccurrence,andpointingoutthatitwouldbeseveralmonthsbeforeeventemporaryaccommodationcouldbe

erected.NoVandaldestroyedhistoricbuildingssolight-heartedlyaswe.AndonTuesdaynightweprayedthat,ifthelightningsofHeavenfailedus,atleastapestilenceshouldbesentinaid.Somehow,SOMEHOW,lettheschoolbeuninhabitable!

Butthetelegramnevercame.Wewo eonWednesdaymorningaswa esthemurdereronhislastday.Wetoo adogortwoforawal ;wepretendedtoplayagameofcroquet.Afterlunchwedonnedthebadgesofourservitude.Thecomfortable,careless,dirtyflannelswereta enoff,andtheblac coatsandstiff



whitecollarsputon.At3.30anearlyteawasreadyforus--somethingratherspecial,alastmoc eryofholiday.(Dressedcrab,Iremember,ononeoccasion,andItravelledwithmybac

totheengineafterit--apositionIhaveneverdaredtoassumesince.)Thengood-byes,tips, isses,alastloo ,and--the4.10waspuffingoutofthestation.Andnothing,nothinghadhappened.Icanrememberthin inginthetrainhowunfairitallwas.Fifty-twowee sintheyear,Isaidtomyself,andonlyfifteenofthemspentathome.Achildsnatchedfromhismotheratnine,andneveragaingivenbac toherformorethantwomonthsatatime."IsthisRussia?"Isaid;and,gettingnoanswer,couldonlycomfortmyselfwiththethought,"Thisdaytwelvewee s!"

Andoncetheincredibledidhappen.ItwasthroughnointerventionofProvidence;no,itwasentirelyourowndoing.Wegotnearsomemeasles,andforafortnightwewere eptinquarantine.Icansaytruthfullythatweneverspentadullertwowee s.Thereseemedtobenothingtodoatall.Theideathatwewerewor inghadtobefosteredbyourremainingshutupinoneroommostoftheday,andwithinthelimitsofthatroomwefoundverylittleinthewayofamusement.Wewereboredextremely.AndalwayswecarriedwithusthethoughtofSmithorRobinsonta ingourplaceintheJuniorHouseteamandma inghundredsofruns.

...Because,ofcourse,wewereveryhappyatschoolreally.Thetroublewasthatweweresomuchhappierintheholidays.IhavehadmanygloriousmomentssinceIleftschool,butIhavenodoubtastowhathavebeenthehappiesthalf-hoursinmylife.Theywerethehalf-hoursonthelastdayoftermbeforewestartedhome.Wespentthemonalunchofourownordering.Itwasthefirstdecentmealwehadhadforwee s,andwhenitwasovertherewerealltheholidaysbeforeus.Lifemayhavebetterhalf-hoursthanthattooffer,butIhavenotmetthem.

NaturalScience

ItiswhenParliamentisnotsittingthatthepapersaremostinterestingtoread.Ihavefoundanitemofnewsto-daywhichwouldneverhavebeengivenpublicityinthebusytimes,andithasmovedmestrangely.Hereitis,bac edbytheauthorityofDr.ChalmersMitchell:--

"Thecaterpillarofthepuss-moth,notsatisfiedwithNature'sprovisionsforitssafety,ma esfacesatyoungbirds,andissaidtoalarmthemconsidreably."

Ili ethat"issaidto."Probablytheyoungbirdwoulddenyindignantlythathewasalarmed,andwouldexplainthathewasonlygoingawaybecausehesuddenlyrememberedthathehadanengagementonthecroquetlawn,orthathehadforgottenhisumbrella.Butwhetherhealarmsthemornot,thefactremainsthatthecaterpillarofthepuss-mothdoesma efacesatyoung



thisdayiftoadscanbestuffed,butwhenourtoaddiedhehadtobecommemoratedinsomeway,and,failingamarblestatue,itseemedgoodtostuffhim.Itwaswhenwehadgotthes inoffhimthatwebegantorealizeourdifficulties.Idon't nowifyouhavehadthes inofafair-sizedtoadinyourhand;ifso,youwillunderstandthatourfirstfeelingwasoneofsurprisethatawholetoadcouldeverhavegotintoit.Thereseemedtobenoshapeaboutthethingatall.Youcouldhavecarriedit--nodoubtwedid,Ihaveforgotten--inthebac ofawatch.Butithadlostallli enesstoatoad,anditwasobviousthatstuffingmeantnothingtoit.

Ofcourse,littleboysoughtnottos intoadsandcarrygeologicalhammersanddeceivelearnedprofessorsofbotany;I

nowitiswrong.Andofcoursecaterpillarsofthepuss-mothvarietyoughtn'ttoma efacesattimidyoungthrushes.Butitisjustthesethingswhichma esuchpleasantmemoriesafterwards--whenprofessorsandtoadsaredeparted,whenthehammerslierustyinthecoalcellar,andwhentheyoungthrushesaregrownuptobequitebigbirds.Therearefortunatemortalswhocanalwayscomfortthemselveswithaclichâ.IfanyquestionarisesastothemoralvalueofRacing,whetherinwar-timeorinpeace-time,theywillmurmursomethingabout"improvingthebreedofhorses,"andsleepafterwardswithaneasyconscience.Toonewho

considershowmanymillionsofpeopleareengageduponthisimportantwor ,itissurprisingthatnothingmorenotableinthewayofasuper-horsehasasyetemerged;onewouldhaveexpectedatleastbythistimesomethingwhichcombinedtheflying-powersofthehaw withthediving-powersoftheseal.NodoubtthisiswhatthefollowersoftheColonel'sLateWireareaimingat,andeveniftheyhavetoborrowtenshillingsfromthetillinthegoodcause,theyfeelthatpossiblybymeansofthatverytenshillingsNaturehasapproximatedalittlemorecloselytothedesiredanimal.SupportersofHunting,again,willtellyou,spea ingfrominside nowledge,that"thefoxli esit,"andoneisleftbreathlessatthethoughtofthealtruismofthehumanrace,whichwilldevotesomuchtimeandmoneytoamusinga

small,bushy-tailedfour-leggedfriendwhomightotherwisebebored.AndthethirdmemberoftheTripleAlliance,whichhasmadeEnglandwhatitis,isBeer,andinsupportofBeerthereisalsoaclichâready.Tal toanybodyaboutIntemperance,andhewilltellyousolemnly,asifthisdisposedofthetrouble,that"onecanjustaseasilybeintemperateinothermattersasinthematterofalcohol."Afterwhich,itseemsalmostadutytoabroad-mindedmantogooutandgetdrun .

Itis,ofcourse,truethatwecanbeintemperateineatingaswellasindrin ing,buttheresultsoftheintemperancewouldappeartobedifferent.Afterafifthhelpofrice-puddingonedoesnotbecomeover-familiarwithstrangers,nordoesanextra

sliceofhaminspireamantobeathiswife.Afterfivepintsofbeer(orfifteen,orfifty)amanwill"goanywhereinreason,buthewon'tgohome";afterfivehelpsofrice-pudding,Iimagine,homewouldseemtohimtheone-desiredhaven.Thetwointemperancesmaybeequallyblameworthy,buttheyarenotequallyoffensivetothecommunity.Yetforsomereasonover-eatingisconsideredthemar ofthebeast,andover-drin ingthemar ofratherafinefellow.

Thepoetsandothergentlemenwhohavewrittensomuchromantic



nonsenseabout"goodredwine"and"goodbrownale"areresponsibleforthis.IadmitthataglassofBurgundyisamorebeautifulthingthanablancmange,butIdonotthin thatitfollowsthatasurfeitofoneismoreheroicthanasurfeitoftheother.Theremaybeadivinityinthegrapewhichexcusesexcess,butifso,onewouldexpectittobethereevenbeforethegrapehadbeentroddenonbysomebodyelse.Yetnopoeteverhymnedthemanwhotuc edintothedessert,ortoldhimthathewasbywayofbecomingajollygoodfellow.Heisonlybywayofbecomingapig.

"Itisthetrue,theblushfulHippocrene."Totelloneselfthisistopardoneverything.Howeverunpleasantadrun enmanmayseematfirstsight,assoonasonerealizesthathehasmerelybeenputtingawayablushfulHippocrene,oneceasestobeangrywithhim.IfKeatsorsomebodyhadsaidofapieceofunderdonemutton,"Itisthetrue,theblushfulCanterbury,"indigestionwouldcarryamoreromanticair,andatthethirdhelpingonecouldclaimtobeabitofadevil."Thebeadedbubbleswin ingatthebrim"--thismightalsohavebeensungofatapioca-pudding,inwhichcaseacoupleoftapioca-puddingswouldcertainlyqualifytherecipientasoneoftheboys.Ifonlythepoetshadpraisedover-eatingratherthanover-drin ing,howmuchpleasanterthestreetswouldbeonfestivalnights!

IsupposethatIhavealreadysaidenoughtohavewrittenmyselfdownaTemperanceFanatic,aThin-BloodedCocoa-Drin er,andanumberofotherthingsequallycontemptible;whichisallveryembarrassingtoamanwhoiscomposingatthemomentonport,andwhogetsentangledinthes inofcocoawheneverhetriestoapproachit.Butifanythingcouldma emeta e indlytococoa,itwouldbethesentimentalrubbishwhichiswrittenaboutthe"manliness"ofdrin ingalcohol.Itisnomoremanlytodrin

beer(notevenifyoucallitgoodbrownale)thanitistodrin

beef-tea.Itmaybemorehealthy;I nownothingaboutthat,nor,fromthediversityofopinionexpressed,dothedoctors;itmaybecheaper,morethirst-quenching,anythingyouli e.Butitisa

thingthevillageidiotcando--andoftendoes,withoutbecomingtherebythespiritualcomradeofRobinHood,KingHarrytheFifth,Dra e,andalltheotherheroeswho(ifwearetobelievetheSwillSchool)havemadeoldEnglandgreatonbeer.

ButtodoubtthespiritualvirtuesofalcoholisnottobeaProhibitionist.Formyownsa eIwantneitherEnglandnorAmericadry.WhetherIwantthemdryforthesa eofEnglandandAmericaIcannotquitedecide.ButifIeverdocometoadecision,itwillnotbeinfluencedbythatotherclichâ,whichisoftentrottedoutcomplacently,asifitweresomethingtothan Heavenfor."Youcan'tma epeoplemoralbyActofParliament."Itisnotaquestionofma ingthemmoral,butof

eepingthemfromalcohol.Itmaybeapitytodothis,butitisobviouslypossible,justasitispossibleto eepthem--thatistosay,theoverwhelmingmajorityofthem--fromopium.NorshallIbeinfluencedbytheargumentthatsuchprohibitionisoutsidetheauthorityofaGovernment.ForifaGovernmentcandemandaman'slifeforreasonsofforeignpolicy,itcansurelydemandhiswhis yforreasonsofdomesticpolicy;ifitcancalluponhimtostartfighting,itcancalluponhimtostopdrin ing.

Butifopiumandalcoholisprohibited,yousay,whynottobacco?



WhentobaccoismentionedIfeelli ethevillageSocialist,whowasquitereadytosharetwotheoreticalcowswithhisneighbour,butwhenas edifthetheoryappliedalsotopigs,answeredindignantly,"Whatareyoutal ingabout--I'veGOTtwopigs!"IcouldbearanEnglandwhich"wentdry,"butanEnglandwhich"wentout"--!SobeforeassentingtotherightofaGovernmenttorobthewor ing-manofhisbeer,Ihavetoas myselfifIassenttoitsrighttorobmeofmypipe.Well,ifitwereagreedbyamajorityofthecommunity(inspiteofallmyhymnstoNicotine)thatEnglandwouldbehappierwithouttobacco,thenIthin Ishouldagreealso.ButImightfeelthatIshouldbehappierwithoutEngland.Justalittlewaywithout--theIsleofMan,say.

Chesshasthisincommonwithma ingpoetry,thatthedesireforitcomesupontheamateuringusts.Itisveryeasyforhimnottoma epoetry;sometimeshemaygoformonthswithoutwritingalineofit.Butwhenonceheisdeliveredofanode,thenthedesiretowriteanotherodeisstronguponhim.Asuddenpassionforrhymemastershim,andmustwor itselfout.Itwillbeallrightinafewwee s;hewillgobac toproseorbills-of-parcelsorwhateverishisnaturalmethodofexpressinghimself,nonetheworseforhisadventure.Buthewillhavegainedthis

nowledgeforhisfutureguidance--thatpoemsnevercomesingly.

EverytwoorthreeyearsIdiscoverthegameofchess.Innormaltimeswhenamansaystome,"Doyouplaychess?"Ianswercoldly,"Well,I nowthemoves.""Wouldyouli eagame?"heas s,andIsay,"Idon'tthin Iwill,than sverymuch.Ihardlyeverplay."Andtherethebusinessends.Butonceintwoyears,oritmaybethree,circumstancesaretoostrongforme.Imeetamanso eenorasituationsodullthatpolitenessorboredomleadsmetoaccept.Theboardisproduced,Iremindmyselfthatthequeenstandsonasquareofherowncolour,andthatthe nightgoesnexttothecastle;Ipushforwardthe

ing'spawntwosquares,andweareoff.Yes,weareoff;butnotforonegameonly.ForamonthatleastIshalldreamofchessatnightandma eexcusestoplayitintheday.Foramonthchess

willbeevenmoretomethangolforbilliards--gameswhichIadorebecauseIamsobadatthem.Foramonth,startingfromyesterdaywhenIwasinveigledintoagame,youmustregardme,please,asachessmaniac.

AmongsmallboyswithnoheadforthegameIshouldprobablybedescribedasacleverplayer.Ifmyopponentonlylearntyesterday,andisstillalittledoubtfulastowhata nightcando,I nowoneortworathergoodtric sforremovinghisqueen.Mysubtleststro eistowaituntilHerMajestyisinfrontofthe ing,andthentoplacemycastleinfrontofher,withapawninsupport.SometimesIforgetthepawnandheta esmycastle,inwhichcaseItrytoloo asifthelossofmycastle

wastheonenecessarypreliminarytomyplanofcampaign,andthatnowwewereoff.Whenheisbusyononesideoftheboard,Iwor a nightupontheother,andthreatentwoofhispiecessimultaneously.TotheextremenoviceImustseemratherresourceful.

ButthenIamanoldhandatthegame.Mycareerdatesfrom--well,yearsagowhenIwonmyhousechampionshipatschool.Thischampionshipmayhavecarriedabeltwithit;Ihaveforgotten.Buttherewascertainlyaprize--aprizeoffivesolidshillings,



supposingthetreasurerhadmanagedtocollectthesubscriptions.IntheyearwhenIwonitIwasalsotreasurer.Iassureyouthatthequic nessands illnecessaryforwinningthecompetitionwereasnothingtothatnecessaryforcollectingthemoney.Ifanyprideremainstomeoverthataffair,ifmynameiswritteninlettersoffireintheannalsofourhousechessclub,itisbecauseIactuallyobtainedthefiveshillings.

Afterthisthegamedidnottroublemeforsometime.ButtherecameadaywhenafriendandIlunchedatarestaurantinwhichchess-boardsformedaspermanentapartthefurnitureofthediningtablesasthesaltandmustard.Partlyinjo e,becauseitseemedtobetheetiquetteofthebuilding,westartedagame.Westayedtheretwohours...andthefeverremainedwithmefortwomonths.Anotheryearorsoofnormaldevelopmentfollowed.ThenIcaughtinfluenzaandspentdulldaysinbed.Nothingcanbeworseforaninfluenzavictimthanchess,butIsupposemywardersdidnotrealizehowmuchIsufferedunderthegame.Anyhow,Iplayeditalldayanddreamedofitallnight--ariotofgamesinwhichallthepeopleI newmoveddiagonallyandupanddown,too eachother,andbecamequeens.

AndnowIhaveplayedagain,andamoncemoreanenthusiast.Youwillagreewithme,willyounot,thatitisasplendidgame?

Peoplemoc

atit.Theysaythatitisnotsuchgoodexerciseascric etorgolf.Howwrongtheyare.Thatitbringsthesamemusclesintoplayasdoescric etIdonotclaimforit.Eachgamedevelopsadifferentsetofsinews;butwhatchess-playerwhohassatwithanextendedforefingerontheheadofhisqueenforfiveminutes,beforeobservingtheenemy'sbishopinthedistanceandbringingbac hispiecetosafety--whatchess-player,Isay,willdenythatthemusclesofthehandridgeupli elumpsofironafteramonthatthebestofgames?Whatchess-playerwhohasstretchedhisarmoutinordertoopenwiththeRuyLopezgambit,whohasthenwithdrawnitasthepossibilitiesoftheDonQuixoteoccurtohim,andwhohasfinally,afteranotherforwardandbac wardmovement,decidedto

relyuponthebishop'sdeclinedpawn--whatchess-player,Ias

,willnotaffirmthatthebicepsareelevatedbythisnoblestofpastimes?And,finally,whatchess-player,whoinma ingtooeagerlythecrowningmove,hasupsetwithhiselbowthevictimsofthepreliminarys irmishing,sothattheyrolluponthefloor--whatchess-player,whohastoleandownandpic themup,willnotbethebetterforthestrainuponhisdiaphragm?No;saywhatyouwillagainstchess,butdonotmoc atitforitslac ofexercise.

Yetthereisthisagainstit.Thecourtesiesofthegamearefew.Ithin thatthismustbewhythepassionforitleavesmeafteramonth.Whenatcric etyouarebowledfirstball,the

wic

et

eepercancomfortyoubymurmuringthatthelightisbad;whenattennisyouropponentforcesforthededansandstri esyouheavilyundertheeye,hecanshout,"Sorry!"whenatgolfyoureachabun erin4andta e3togetout,yourpartnercanendearhimselfbysaying,"Hardluc ";butatchesseverythingthattheenemydoestoyouisdeliberate.Hecannotsay,"Sorry!"asheta esyour night;hedoesnotcallithardluc whenyour

ingissurroundedbyvultureseagerforhisdeath;andthoughitwouldbe indlyinhimtoattributetothebadlightthefactthatyounevernoticedhiscastleleaningagainstyourqueen,yet



itwouldbequiteagainsttheetiquetteofthegame.

Indeed,itisimpossibletowingracefullyatchess.Nomanyethassaid"Mate!"inavoicewhichfailedtosoundtohisopponentbitter,boastful,andmalicious.Itisthetoneofthatvoicewhich,afteramonth,Ifinditimpossibleanylongertostand.

ADoubtfulCharacter

IfinditdifficulttobelieveinFatherChristmas.Ifheisthejollyoldgentlemanheisalwayssaidtobe,whydoesn'thebehaveassuch?Howisitthatthepresentsgosooftentothewrongpeople?

Thisisnopersonalcomplaint;Ispea fortheworld.Therichpeoplegettherichpresents,andthepoorpeoplegetthepoorones.ThatmaynotbethefaultofFatherChristmas;hemaybeundercontractforabillionyearstodeliverallpresentsjust

astheyareaddressed;buthowcanhegoonsmiling?Hemustlongtoalterallthat.ThereisMissPriscillaA----whogetsfiveguineasworthofthebesteveryyearfromMr.CyrilB----whohopestobeherheir.Mustn'tthatma eFatherChristmasmad?Yethegoesdownthechimneywithitjustthesame.Whenhiscontractisover,andhehasafreehand,he'llarrangesomethingaboutTHAT,I'msure.Ifheisthejollyoldgentlemanofthepictureshissenseofhumourmusttroublehim.Hemustbeitchingtohavejo eswiththeparcels."Onlyjustthisonce,"hewouldplead."LetmegiveMrs.Brownthesafety-razor,andMr.Brownthenight-dresscase;IswearIwon'ttouchanyoftheothers."Ofcoursethatwouldn'tbeaverysubtlejo e;butjollyoldgentlemenwithwhitebeardsaren'tverysubtleintheirhumour.

Theyleantothebroadereffects--thepracticaljo

eandthepun.IcanimagineFatherChristmasma inghisannualpunontheword"reindeer,"andtheeldestreindeerma ingafeebleattempttosmile.Theyoungeroneswouldn'tsomuchastry.Yethewouldma eitsogailythatyouwouldlovehimevenifyoucouldn'tlaugh.

Comingdownchimneysisdangerouswor forwhitebeards,andifIbelievedinhimIshouldas myselfhowhemanagesto eepsoclean.Isupposehissenseofhumoursuggestedthechimneytohiminthefirstplace,andforayearortwoitwasthegreatestjo eintheworld.Butnowhemustwishsometimesthathecameinbythedoororthewindow.Somechimneysareverydirtyforwhite

beards.

Haveyounoticedthatchildren,whohanguptheirstoc ings,alwaysgetlotsofpresents,andthatwegrown-ups,whodon'thangupourstoc ings,nevergetany?Thisma esmethin thatperhapsafterallFatherChristmashassomesayinthedistribution.Whenheseesanemptystoc inghepopsinafewthingsonhisownaccount--with"fromAuntEmma"pinnedontothem.ThenyouwritetoAuntEmmatothan herforherdelightfulpresent,andsheissoashamedofherselffornothavingsentyou



onethatsheneverletsonaboutit.ButwhenFatherChristmasdoesn'tseeastoc ing,hejustleavesyoutheembroideredtobaccopouchfromyoursisterandthepostalorderfromyourrichuncle,andisgladtogetoutofthehouse.

OfhisattitudetowardsChristmascardsIcannotspea withcertainty,butIfancythathedoesnotbringthesedownthechimneytoo;thetruthbeing,probably,thatitishewhocomposesthemottoesonthem,andthatwiththecustomarymodestyoftheauthorheleavesthedistributionofthemtoothers."Theold,oldwish--amerryChristmasandahappyNewYear"heconsiderstobehismasterpiecesofar,but"ArightemerrieChristemasse"runsitclose."Mayhappyhoursbeyours"isanotherepigraminthesameveinwhichhasmetwithconsiderablesuccess.Youcanunderstandhowembarrassingitwouldbetoanauthorifhehadtocartroundhisownwor s,andpracticallytoforcethemonpeople.ThisiswhyyousorarelyfindaChristmascardinyourstoc ing.

ThereisoneotherthingatwhichFatherChristmasdrawstheline;hewillnotdelivervenison.Thereindeersayitcomestoonearhometothem.But,apartfromthis,heisneversohappyaswhendealingwithhampers.Hewouldputaplum-puddingintoeverystoc ingifhecould,forli ealljollyoldgentlemenwithnice

whitebeardshelovestothin

ofpeopleenjoyingtheirfood.Iamnotsurethatheholdsmuchwithchocolates,althoughheisentrustedwithsomanyboxesthathehaslearnttoloo onthemwith indlytolerance.Butthetur eyidea,Iimagine(thoughIcannotspea withauthority),thetur eyideawasentirelyhisown.Nothingli etur eyforma ingthebeardgrow.

IfIbelievedinFatherChristmasIshouldas myselfwhathedoesallthesummer--alltheyear,indeed,afterhisonedayisover.Thereindeer,ofcourse,areputouttograss.ButwhereisFatherChristmas?Doeshesleepforfifty-onewee s?Doesheshave,andmixwithusmortals?Ordoeshe--yes,thatmustbeit--doeshespendtheyearintraining,in eepingdownhisfigure?

Chimneywor

isterriblytrying;thefigurewantswatchingifoneistocarryitthroughsuccessfully.Thisisespeciallysointhecaseofjollyoldgentlemenwithwhitebeards.IcanseeFatherChristmas,assoonashisdayisover,ta inghimselfofftotheEquatorandrunningroundandroundit.BynextDecemberheisinsplendidcondition.

Whenhisbillionyearsareover,whenhiscontractexpiresandheisallowedafreehandwiththepresents,IsupposeIshallnotbealivetota epartinthedistribution.ButnonethelessIli etothin ofthethingsIshouldget.ThereareatleasthalfadozenthingswhichIdeserve,andFatherChristmas nowsit.InanyequitableschemeofallotmentIshouldcomeoutwell."Halfa

minute,"hewouldsay,"Imustjustputthesecigarsasideforthegentlemanwhohadthepicturepostcardlastyear.Whathaveyougotthere?ThecountrycottageandthecompleteeditionofMeredith?Ahyes,perhapshe'dbetterhavethosetoo."

Thatwouldbesomethingli eaFatherChristmas.



ThoughtsonThermometers

Ourthermometerwentdownto11deg.theothernight.Theexcitementwasintense.Itwas,ofcourse,thefirstpersondowntobrea fastwhorushedintothegardenandmadethediscovery,andaseachofusappearedhewasgreetedwiththenews.

"Isay,doyou nowthereweretwenty-onedegreesoffrostlastnight?"

"Really?ByJove!"

Wewereallveryhappyandtal ativeatbrea fast--aneventrareenoughtobechronicled.Itwasnotthatweparticularlywantedafrost,butthatwefeltthat,ifitwasgoingtofreeze,itmightaswelldoitproperly--soastoshowothernationsthatEnglandwasstilltoberec onedwith.Andtherewasalsothefeelingthatifthethermometercouldgetdownto11deg.itmightsomedaygetdowntozero;andthenperhapstheThameswouldbefrozenoveragainatWestminster,andthepaperswouldbefullof

strangenews,and--generallyspea

ing--lifewouldbealittledifferentfromtheordinary.Inaword,therewouldbeachanceofsomething"happening"--which,Ita eit,iswhyonebuysathermometerandwatchesitsocarefully.

Ofcourse,everynicethermometerhasadeviceforregisteringthemaximumandminimumtemperatures,whichcanonlybesetwithamagnet.Thisgivesyouanopportunityofusingamagnetinordinarylife,anopportunitywhichoccursalltooseldom.Indeed,Icanthin ofnootheroccasiononwhichitplaysanyimportantpartinone'saffairs.Itwouldbeinterestingto nowifthesaleofmagnetsexceedsthesaleofthermometers,andifso,why?--anditwouldalsobeinterestingto nowwhymagnets

arealwayspaintedred,asiftheyweredangerous,orbelongedtotheGovernment,or--butthisisaquestionintowhichitisimpossibletogonow.Mypresentthemeisthermometers.

Ourthermometer(whichwentdownto11deg.theothernight)isnotoneofyourcommonmercuryones;itisfilledwithapin

fluidwhichIamtoldisalcohol,thoughIhavenevertried.Ithangsinthe itchengarden.Thisgivesyouanexcuseinsummerforgoingintothe itchengardenandleaningagainstthefruittrees."Let'sgoandloo atthethermometer"yousaytoyourguestfromLondon,andjustforthemomenthethin sthattheamusementsofthecountryarenotverydramatic.Butafteradayortwohelearnsthatwhatyoureallymeanis,"Let'sgoandsee

ifanyfruithasblowndowninthenight."Andheta

escaretoleanagainsttherighttree.Anelaboratesubterfuge,butnecessaryifyourgardenerisatallstrict.

Butwhetheryourthermometerhangsinthe itchengardenoratthebac oftheshrubbery,youmustrecognizeonethingaboutit,namely,thatitisanopen-airplant.Therearepeoplewho eepthermometersshutupindoors,whichisbothcruelandunnecessary.Whenyoucomplainthatthelibraryisalittlechilly--assurelyyouareentitledto--theyloo atthe



thermometernailedtotheHenryFieldingshelfandsay,"Ohno;Idon'tthin so.It'ssixty-five."Asifanybodywantedathermometerto nowifaroomwerecoldornot.Thesepeopleinsultthermometersandtheirguestsfurtherbyplacingoneoftheformerinthebathroomsoap-dish,inorderthatthelattermaydiscoverwhetheritisahotorcoldbathwhichtheyarehaving.Alldecentpeople nowthatahotbathisonewhichyoucanjustbeartogetinto,andthatacoldbathisonewhichyoucannotbeartothin ofgettinginto,buthavetoforhonour'ssa e.TheydoriotwanttobetoldhowmanydegreesFahrenheititis.

Theundersizedtemperature-ta erwhichthedoctorputsunderyourtonguebeforetellingyouto eepwarmandta eplentyofmil puddingsisproperlydespisedbyeverytruethermometer-lover.Anyrecordwhichitma esistoopersonalforabrea fast-tabletopic,andmoreoveritisathermometerwhichaffordsnoscopeforthemagnet.Altogetheritisacontemptiblething.Anoccasionaldevoteewillbiteitintwobeforereturningittoitsowner,butthisisratherastronglinetota e.Itisperhapsbesttoavoiditaltogetherbynotbeingill.

Athermometermustalwaysbetreatedwithcare,forthemercuryoncespiltcanonlybereplacedwithgreatdifficulty.Itis

consideredtobeoneofthemostaw

wardthingstopic

upafterdinner,andonlyaverysteadyhandwillbesuccessful.Somepeoplewithagiftforhandlingmercuryoralcoholma etheirownthermometers;butevenwhenyouhavegotthestuffintothetube,itisalwaysaquestionwheretoputthelittlefigures.Somuchdependsuponthem.

NowImusttellyoutheonehereditaryfailingofthethermometer.Ihadmeanttohideitfromyou,butIseethatyouaredeterminedtohaveit.Itisthis:youcannotgouptoitandtapit.Atleastyoucan,butyoudon'tgetthatfeelingofsatisfactionfromitwhichthetappingofabarometergivesyou.Ofcourseyoucanalwaysputahotthumbonthebulbandwatch

themercuryrunup;thisissatisfyingforashorttime,butitisnotthesamethingastapping.AndIamwrongtosay"always,"forinsomethermometers--indeed,inours,alas!--thebulbiswiredin,sothatnofalsifyingthumbcangettowor .However,thishasitscompensations,forifnohotthumbcanma eourthermometeruntruetoitself,neithercananycoldthumb.AndsowhenItellyouagainthatourthermometerdidgodownto11deg.theothernight,youhavenoexcusefornotbelievingthatourtwenty-onedegreesoffrostwasagenuineaffair.Infact,youwillappreciateourexcitementatbrea fast.

ForaWetAfternoon

Letusconsidersomethingseasonable;letusconsiderindoorgamesforamoment.

AndbyindoorgamesIdonotmeananythingsoseriousasbridge



andbilliards,noranythingsocommercialasvingt-et-unwithfishcounters,noranythingsostrenuousas"bumps."ThegamesImeanarethosejolly,sociableonesinwhicheverybodyinthehousecanjoinwithanequalchanceofdistinction,thosefriendlygameswhichareplayedwithlaughterroundafirewhattimetheblizzardsrattleagainstthewindow-pane.

Thesegamesmaybedividedbroadlyintotwoclasses;namely,papergamesandguessinggames.Theinitialdisadvantageofthepapergameisthatpencilshavetobefoundforeverybody;generallyadifficultbusiness.Oncetheyarefound,thereisnofurthertroubleuntilthegameisover,whenthepencilshavetobecollectedfromeverybody;generallyanimpossiblebusiness.Ifyouareaguestinthehouse,insistuponapapergame,foritgivesyouachanceofacquiringapencil;ifyouarethehost,considercarefullywhetheryouwouldnotratherplayaguessinggame.

Buttheguessinggamehasonegreatdisadvantagetoo.Itdemandsperiodicallythatamemberofthecompanyshouldgooutbyhimselfintothehallandwaittherepatientlyuntilhiscompanionshave"thoughtofsomething."(Itmaybesupposedthathe,too,isthin ingofsomethinginthecoldhall,butperhapsnotli ingtosayit.)Howevercarefultheplayersare,

unpleasantnessisboundtoarisesometimesoverthispreliminarystageofthegame.I newofonecasewherethepeopleintheroomforgotallabouttheladywaitinginthehallandbegantotelleachotherghoststories.Thelightswereturnedout,andsittingroundtheflic eringfirethemostimaginativemembersofthehouseholdthrilledtheirhearerswithghostlytalesofthedead.Suddenly,inthemiddleofthestoryofTorfridaoftheTowers--aladywhohadstrangledherchildren,andeverafterwardshauntedthebattlements,headless,andinanight-gown--thedooropenedsoftly,andMissRobinsonenteredtoas

howmuchlongertheywouldbe.MissRobinsonwaswearingawhitefroc ,andtheeffectofherentrywastremendous.Iremember,too,anothereveningwhenwewereplaying"proverbs."William,

whohadgoneoutside,wasnotedforhiss

illatthegame,andweweredeterminedtogivehimsomethingdifficult;somethingwhichhadn'tacameloraglasshouseorastabledoorinit.AftersomediscussionamemberofthecompanysuggestedaproverbfromthePersian,ashealleged.Itwentsomethingli ethis:"Awisemanis indtohisdog,butapoormanrisethearlyinthemorning."Wetoo hiswordforit,and,feelingcertainthatWilliamwouldneverguess,calledhimtocomein.

UnfortunatelyWilliam,whoisatrifleabsentminded,hadgonetobed.

Toavoidaccidentsofthisnatureitisbettertoplay"clumps,"

aguessinggameinwhichtheprocedureisslightlyvaried.In"clumps"twopeoplegointothehallandthin ofsomething,whiletherestremainbeforethefire.Thus,howeverlongtheintervalofwaiting,allarehappy;forthepeopleinsidecantelleachotherstories(or,asalastresort,playsomeothergame)andthetwooutsidearepresumablyamusingthemselvesinarrangingsomethingverydifficult.PersonallyIadoreclumps;notonlyforthisreason,butbecauseofitsrevelationofhiddentalent.Theremaybeadozenpersonsineachclump,andintheoryeveryoneofthedozenissupposedtota eahandinthecross-



examination,butinpracticeitisalwaysonepersonwhoextractstheinformationrequiredbyacataractofsearchingquestions.Alwaysonepersonandgenerallyagirl.Ilovetoseehercomingoutofhershell.Shehasexcelledatnoneoftheoutdoorgamesperhaps;shehasspo enhardlyawordatmeals.Inourlittlecompanyshehasscarcelyseemedtocount.Butsuddenlysheawa esintolife.Clumpsisthefamilygameathome;shehasbeenbroughtuponit.Inamomentshediscoversherselfasournaturalleader,aleaderwhomwefollowhumbly.Andhoweverwemayspendtherestofourtimetogether,theeffectofhershorthour'striumphwillnotwhollywearaway.Sheisnowestablished.

Butthepapergameswillalwaysbemostpopular,andonceyouareoverthedifficultyofthepencilsyoumayplaythemforhourswithoutwearying.Butofcourseyoumustplaytheamusingonesandnotthedullones.Themostcommonpapergameofall,thatofma ingsmallwordsoutofabigone,hasnothingtorecommendit;fortherecanbenopossibleamusementinhearingsomebodyelsereadout"but,""bat,""bet,""bin,""ben,"andsoforth,riotevenifyouspendhalfanhourdiscussingwhether"ben"isreallyaword.Ontheotherhandyourgame,howeveramusing,oughttohavesomefinalityaboutit;agameisnotreallyagameunlesssomebodycanwinit.ForthisreasonIcannotwhollyapprove"telegrams."Toconcoctatelegramwhosewordsbeginwithcertain

selectedlettersofthealphabet,saythefirstten,istoamuseyourselfanyhowandpossiblyyourfriends;whetheryousay,"AmbringingcameldownearlyFriday.Gothump.InformJamrach";or,"Afraidbettercanceldinnerengagement.Fredgothorridindigestion.--JANE."Butitisimpossibletodeclareyourselfcertainlythewinner.Fortunately,however,therearegameswhichcombineamusementwithadefiniteresult;gamesinwhichtheotherscanbefunnywhileyoucangettheprize--or,ifyoupreferit,theotherwayabout.

WhenIbegantowritethis,therainwasstreamingagainstthewindow-panes.Itisnowquitefine.This,youwillnotice,oftenhappenswhenyoudecidetoplayindoorgamesonawetafternoon.

Justasyouhavefoundthepencils,thesuncomesout.

DeclinedwithThan s

Aparagraphinthepapersoflastwee recordedtheunusualactionofagentlemancalledSmith(orsomesuchname)whohadrefusedforreasonsofconsciencetobemadeajusticeofthe

peace.Smith'scasewasthatthecommissionwasofferedtohimasarewardforpoliticalservices,andthatthiswasamethodofselectingmagistratesofwhichhedidnotapprove.Soheshowedhiscontemptforthesystembyrefusinganhonourwhichmostpeoplecovet,andearnedbythissuchnotorietyasthepaperscangive."Portrait(onpage8)ofagentlemanwhohasrefusedsomething!"Heta eshisplacewithBrittlebonesinthegalleryoffrea s.

Thesubjectforessayhasfrequentlybeengiven,"Ifamillion



poundswerelefttoyou,howcouldyoudomostgoodwithit?"Somesaytheywouldendowhospitals,somethattheywouldestablishalmshouses;theremayevenbesomewhowouldgoasfarastobuildhalfaDreadnought.Buttherewouldbeamoredecisivewayofdoinggoodthananyofthese.Youmightrefusethemillionpounds.Thatwouldbeashoc tothesystemsofthecomfortable--ablowstruc atthegreatMoneyGodwhichwouldma eittotter;athrustindefenceofprideandfreedomsuchashadnotbeenseenbefore.Thatwouldbeamoraltonicmoreneededthanallthedraughtsofyournewlyendowedhospitals.Williteverbeadministered?Well,perhapswhentheD.W.T.clubhasgrownalittlestronger.

HaveyouheardoftheD.W.T.--theDeclined-with-Than sClub?Therearenoclubroomsandnotmanymembers,butthebalancesheetforthelasttwelvemonthsiswonderful,showingthatmorethanÂ£11,000wasrefused.Theentrancefeeisonehundredguineasandtheannualsubscriptionfiftyguineas;thatistosay,youmusthaverefusedahundredguineasbeforeyoucanbeelected,andyouareexpectedtorefuseanotherfiftyguineasayearwhileyouretainmembership.Itispossiblealsotocompoundwithaliferefusal,butthesumisnotfixed,andremainsatthediscretionofthecommittee.

Bainesisalifemember.Hesavedanoldladyfrombeingrunoverbyamotorbussomeyearsago,andwhenshediedshelefthimalegacyofÂ£1000.Baineswrotetotheexecutorsandpointedoutthathedidnotgoaboutdraggingpersonsfrombeneathmotorbusesasaprofession;that,ifshehadofferedhimÂ£1000atthetime,hewouldhaverefusedit,notbeinginthehabitofacceptingmoneyfromstrangers,stilllessfromwomen;andthathedidnotseethatthefactofthemoneybeingofferedtwoyearslaterinawillmadetheslightestdifference.BaineswasearningÂ£300ayearatthistime,andhadawifeandfourchildren,buthewillnotadmitthathedidanythingatalloutofthecommon.

ThecaseofSedleycomesupforconsiderationatthenext

committeemeeting.Sedley'srichuncle,acantan

erousoldman,insultedhimgrossly;therewasaquarrel;andtheoldmanleft,vowingtorevengehimselfbydisinheritinghisnephewandbequeathinghismoneytoacats'home.Hediedonhiswaytohissolicitors,andSedleywastoldofhisgoodfortuneingoodlegalEnglish.Hereplied,"Whatonearthdoyouta emefor?Iwouldn'ttouchapenny.Giveittothecats'homeoranyblessedthingyouli e."Sedley,ofcourse,willbeelectedasanordinarymember,butasthereisastrongfeelingonthecommitteethatnodecentmancouldhavedoneanythingelse,hiselectionasalifememberisimprobable.

Thoughthereareoneortwoothermembersli eBainesandSedley,

mostofthemaremenwhohaverefusedprofessionalopeningsratherthanactualmoney.Thereare,forinstance,halfadozenjournalistsandauthors.Nowajournalist,beforehecanbeelected,musthaveablac -listofpapersforwhichhewillrefusetowrite.AconcoctedwirelessmessageintheDailyBlan ,whichsubsequenteventsprovedtohavebeeninventeddeliberatelyforthepurposeofra inginha'pennies,soinfuriatedHenderson(tota eacase)thathehaspledgedhimselfnevertowritealineforanypaperownedbythesameproprietors.Curiouslyenoughhewasas edadayortwolatertocontributeaseriesto



amostrespectablemagazinepublishedbythisfirm.Herefusedinaletterwhichbreathedhatredanduttercontemptineveryword.ItwasHenderson,too,whoresignedhispositionasdramaticcriticbecausetheproprietorofhispaperdidratherashadythinginprivatelife."I nowthepaperisn'tmixedupinitatall,"hesaid,"buthe'smyemployerandhepaysme.Well,Ili etobeloyaltomyemployers,andifI'mloyaltothismanIcan'tgoabouttellingeverybodythathe'sadirtycad.AsIparticularlywantto."

ThenthereisthecaseofBolustheauthor.Heisonlyanhonorarymember,forhehasnotasyethadtheopportunityofrefusingmoneyorwor .Buthehasrefusedtobephotographedandinterviewed,andhehasrefusedtocontributetosymposiainthemonthlymagazines.Hehasdeclinedwiththan s,moreover,invitationstohalfadozenhousessenttohimbyhostesseswhoonly newhimbyreputation.Myself,Ithin itistimethathewaselectedafullmember;indirectlyhemusthavebeenafinancialloserbyhisaction,andevenifheisnotactuallyassistingtotoppleovertheMoneyGod,heisatleaststri ingablowforthecauseofindependence.However,thereheis,andwithhimgoesacertainM.P.whocontributedÂ£20,000tothepartychest,andrefusedscornfullythepeeragewhichwasofferedtohim.

TheBarisrepresentedbyP.J.Brewster,whowaselectedforrefusingtodefendasuspectedmurdereruntilhehadabsolutelyconvincedhimselfoftheman'sinnocence.Itwassuggestedtohimbyhislegalbrothersthatcounseldidnotpledgethemselvestotheinnocenceoftheirclients,butmerelyputthecaseforonesideinaperfectlydetachedway,accordingtothebesttraditionsoftheBar.BrewsterrepliedthathewasalsoquitecapableofputtingthecaseforTariffReforminaperfectlydetachedwayaccordingtothebesttraditionsofTheMorningPost,butashewasaFreeTraderhethoughthewouldrefuseanysuchofferifitweremadetohim.Headded,however,thathewasnotinthepresentcaseworryingaboutmoralpointsofview;he

wassimplyexpressinghisopinionthattheluxuryofnothavinglittlenotespassedtohimincourtbyaprobablemurderer,ofnotsharingapageinanillustratedpaperwithhim,andofnothavingtosha ehandswithhimifhewereacquitted,wasworthpayingfor.Lateron,whenasK.C.,M.P.,herefusedthepositionofstandingcounseltoapaperwhichhewasalwaysattac ingintheHouse,hebecamealifememberoftheclub.

ButitwouldbeimpossibletomentionallthemembersoftheD.W.T.byname.Ihavebeenledontospea ingabouttheclubbythementionofthatMr.Smith(orwhateverhisnamewas)whorefusedtobemadeajusticeofthepeace.IfMr.Smithcaredtoputupasanhonorarymember,Ihavenodoubtthathewouldbe

elected;forthoughitisagainsttheMoneyGodthatthechiefbattleiswaged,yetthespiritofrefusalisthesame."Blessedaretheywho nowhowtorefuse,"runstheclub'smotto,"fortheywillhaveachancetobeclean."

OnGoingintoaHouse



ItisnineteenyearssinceIlivedinahouse;nineteenyearssinceIwentupstairstobedandcamedownstairstobrea fast.OfcourseIhavedonethesethingsinotherpeople'shousesfromtimetotime,butwhatwedoinotherpeople'shousesdoesnotcount.Weareholiday-ma ingthen.Weplaycric etandgolfandcroquet,andrunupanddownstairs,andamuseourselvesinahundreddifierentways,butallthisisnofixedpartofourlife.Now,however,forthefirsttimefornineteenyears,Iamactuallylivinginahouse.Ihave(imaginemyexcitement)astaircaseofmyown.

Flatsmaybeconvenient(IthoughtsomyselfwhenIlivedinonesomedaysago),buttheyhavetheirdisadvantages.Oneofthedisadvantagesisthatyouareneverincompletepossessionoftheflat.Youmaythin thatthedrawing-roomfloor(tota eacase)isyourveryown,butitisn't;youshareitwithamanbelowwhousesitasaceiling.Ifyouwanttodanceastep-dance,youhavetoconsiderhisplaster.Iwasalwaysreadyenoughtoaccommodatemyselfinthismattertohisprejudices,butIcouldnotputupwithhisold-fashionedideasaboutbathroomceilings.Itisverycrampingtoone'sstyleinthebathtoreflectthattheslightest

splashmaycallattentiontoitselfontheceilingofthegentlemanbelow.Thisistoshareabathroomwithastranger--anintolerablepositionforaproudman.To-dayIhaveabathroomofmyownforthefirsttimeinmylife.

Icanseealreadythatlivinginahouseisgoingtobeextraordinarilyhealthybothformindandbody.AtpresentIgoupstairstomybedroom(anddownstairsagain)aboutonceineveryhalf-hour;notsimplyfromprideofownership,toma esurethatthebedroomisstillthere,andthatthestaircaseiscontinuingtoperformitsfunctions,butinordertofetchsomething,aletterora ey,whichasli elyasnotIhaveforgottenaboutagainassoonasIhaveclimbedtothetopofthehouse.Nosuch

exerciseasthiswaspossibleinaflat,andevenaftertwoorthreedaysIfeelthebetterforit.ButobviouslyIcannotgoonli ethis,ifIamtohaveleisureforanythingelse.WithpracticeIshallsotrainmymindthat,whenIleavemybedroominthemorning,IleaveitwitheverythingthatIcanpossiblyrequireuntilnightfall.This,Iimagine,willnothappenforsomeyearsyet;meanwhilephysicaltraininghasprecedence.

Gettinguptobrea fastmeanssomethingdifferentnow;itmeanscomingdowntobrea fast.Tocomedowntobrea fastbringsoneimmediatelyincontactwiththemorning.Theworldflowspastthewindow,thatsmalland(asitseemstome)particularlyselectportionoftheworldwhichfindsitselfinourquietstreet;I

canseeitasIdrin

mytea.WhenIlivedinaflat(daysanddaysago)anythingmighthavehappenedtoLondon,andIshouldneverhave nownituntiltheafternoon.Everybodyelsecouldhaveperishedinthenight,andIshouldsettledownascomplacentlyasevertomyessayonma ingtheworldsafefordemocracy.Notsonow.AssoonasIhavereachedthebottomofmydelightfulstaircaseIamonewiththeoutsideworld.

Alsoonewiththeweather,whichisratherconvenient.Onthethirdflooritisalmostimpossibleto nowwhatsortofweather



theyarehavinginLondon.Adaywhichloo scoldfromathird-floorwindowmaybeverysultrydownbelow,butbythattimeoneiscommittedtoanovercoat.Howmuchbettertoliveinahouse,andtostepfromone'sfrontdoorandinhaleasampleofwhateverdaythegodshavesent.Thenonecanstepbac againanddressaccordingly.

Butthebestofahouseisthatithasanoutsidepersonalityaswellasaninsideone.Nobody,notevenhimself,couldadmireaman'sflatfromthestreet;nobodycouldloo upandsay,"Whatverydelightfulpeoplemustlivebehindthosethird-floorwindows."Hereitisdifferent.Anyofyoumayfindhimselfsomedayinourquietstreet,andstopamomenttoloo atourhouse;atthebluedoorwithitsjolly noc er,atthelittletreesintheirbluetubsstandingwithinaringofbluepostslin edbychains,atthebright-colouredcurtains.Youmaynotli eit,butweshallbewatchingyoufromoneofthewindows,andtellingeachotherthatyoudo.Inanycase,wehavethepleasureofloo ingatitourselves,andfeelingthatwearecontributingsomethingtoLondon,whetherforbetterorforworse.Wearepartofastreetnow,andcanta eprideinthatstreet.Before,wewereonlypartofabigunmanageablebuilding.ItisasolemnthoughtthatIhavegotthishousefor(apparently)eighty-sevenyears.Onenever nows,anditmaybethatbytheendofthat

timeIshallbemeditatinganarticleontheadvantagesoflivinginaflat.Aflat,Ishallsay,issoconvenient.

TheIdealAuthor

SamuelButlermadeahabit(andurgedituponeveryyoungwriter)

ofcarryinganoteboo

aboutwithhim.Themostprofitableideas,hefelt,donotcomefrommuchsee ing,butriseunbiddeninthemind,andiftheyarenotputdownatonceonpaper,theymaybelostforever.Butwithanoteboo inthepoc etyouaresafe;nothoughtistoofleetingtoescapeyou.Thus,ifaninspirationforafive-thousandwordstorycomessuddenlytoyouduringthedessert,youmurmuranapologytoyourneighbour,whipoutyourpoc et-boo ,andjotdownafewroughnotes."Herocho edpeach-stoneevemarriageLadyHonoria.Pchtreeplantedbyjltdfrstlove.Ironyofthings.Tragic."Nextmorningyouextractyournoteboo fromitswhitewaistcoat,andpreparetodevelopyourtheme(iflegible)alittlemorefully.Possiblyitdoesnotseemsobrilliantinthecoldlightofmorningasitdidafterthat

fourthglassofBollinger.Ifthisbeso,youcanthenma

eanothernote--say,forashortarticleon"Disillusionment."Onewayoranotheranoteboo andapencilwill eepyouwellsuppliedwithmaterial.

IfIdonotfollowButler'sadvicemyself,itisnotbecauseIgetnobrilliantinspirationsawayfrommyin pot,norbecause,havinghadtheinspirations,IamcapableofretainingthemuntilIgetbac tomyin potagain,butsimplybecauseIshouldneverhavethenoteboo andthepencilintherightpoc ets.Butthough



Idonotimitatehim,Icanadmirehiswisdom,evenwhilema ingfunofit.YetIamsureitwasunwiseofhimtota ethepublicintohisconfidence.Thepublicpreferstothin thatanauthordoesnotrequiretheseearthlyaidstocomposition.Itwillneverquitereconcileitselftothefactthatanauthorisfollowingaprofession--aprofessionbymeansofwhichhepaystherentandsettlesthewee lybills.Nodoubtthepublicwantsitsfavouritewriterstogoonliving,butnotinthesordidwaythatitsbarristerandban erfriendslive.ItwouldprefertofeelthatmannadroppedonthemfromHeaven,andthattheravenserectedthemaresidence;but,havingregretfullytorejectthistheory,itli esto eepupthepretencethatthethousandpoundsthatanauthorreceivedforhislaststorycameassomethingofasurprisetohim--being,infact,reallymoreofacoincidencethanareward.

Thetruthisthatalaymanwillneverta eanauthorquiteseriously.Heregardsauthorship,notasaprofession,butassomethingbetweenauinspirationandahobby.Inasfarasitisaninspiration,itisagiftfromHeaven,andought,therefore,tobesharedwiththerestoftheworld;inasfarasitisahobby,itissomethingwhichshouldbedonenottooexpertly,butinacasual,amateur,haphazardfashion.Forthisreasonalaymanwillneverhesitatetoas ofanauthorafreecontributionfor

somelocalpublication,onsuchslendergroundsasthatheandtheauthorwereeducatedatthesameschoolorhadbothmetRobinson.Butthesamemanwouldbehorrifiedattheideaofas ingaHarleyStreetsurgeon(perhapsevenmorecloselyconnectedwithhim)toremovehisadenoidsfornothing.Toas

forthis(hewouldfeel)wouldbealmostasbadastoas agiftoftenguineas(orwhateverthefeeis),whereastoas awriterforanarticleisli eas ingafriendtodecantyourportforyou--adelicatecomplimenttohisparticulartalent.Butintruththematterisotherwise;anditistheauthorwhohasthebetterrighttoresentsucharequest.Forthesupplyofavailableadenoidsislimited,andifthesurgeonhesitatestooccupyhimselfinremovingonepairfornothing,itdoesnotfollowthat

inthetimethussavedhecanbecertainofgettingemploymentuponaten-guineapair.ButwhenaHarleyStreetauthorhaswrittenanarticle,thereareadozenpaperswhichwillgivehimhisownpriceforit,andifhesendsittohisimportunateschoolfellowfornothing,heisliterallygivingup,notonlytenortwentyorahundredguineas,butapublicityforhiswor

whichhemayprizeevenmorehighly.Moreover,hehaslostwhatcanneverbereplaced--anidea;whereasthesurgeonwouldhavelostnothing.

Since,then,theauthorisnottoberegardedasaprofessional,hemustbynomeansadopttheprofessionalnoteboo .Heistowritebyinspiration;whichcomesasregularlytohim(itisto

bepresumed)asindigestiontoalesser-favouredmortal.Hemust nowthingsbyintuition;notbyexperienceorastheresultofreading.This,atleast,iswhatonegathersfromhearingsomepeopletal aboutournovelists.TheheroofSmith'snewboo

goestotheRoyalCollegeofScience,andthepublicsaysscornfully:"Ofcourse,heWOULD.BecauseSmithwenttotheRoyalCollegehimself,allhisheroeshavetogothere.Thisisn'tart,thisisphotography."InhisnextnovelSmithsendshisherotoCambridge,andthepublicsaysindignantly,"WhatthedeucedoesSMITH nowaboutCambridge?Tryingtopretendheisa'Varsity



man,wheneverybody nowsthathewenttotheRoyalCollegeofScience!Isupposehe'sbeenmuggingitupinaboo ."PerhapsBrown'syoungcouplehoneymoonsinSwitzerland."SodidBrown,"sneerhisacquaintances.OrtheygotoCentralAfrica."Howridiculous,"sayhisfriendsthistime."Why,heactuallywritesasthoughhe'dbeenthere!Isupposehe'sjustspentawee -endwithSirHarryJohnston."Meredithhasbeenblamedlatelyforbeingsosecretiveabouthispersonalaffairs,buthe newwhathewasdoing.Happyisthewriterwhohasnopersonalaffairs;atanyrate,hewillavoidthissortofcriticism.

Indeed,Isaiahwastheidealauthor.Heintrudednoprivateaffairsuponthepublic.Hetoo nomoneyforhisprophecies,andyetmanagedtoliveonit.Herespondedreadily,Iimagine,toanyrequestfor"somethingprophetic,you now,"fromacquaintancesorevenstrangers.Aboveall,he epttoonestyle,anddidnotworrythepublic,whenonceithadgotusedtohim,bytentativegropingsafteranewmethod.AndIsaiah,wemaybesure,didNOTcarryanoteboo .

TheEnd

Not That It Matters by A.A. 'Alan Alexander' Milne

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Transcript of Not That It Matters by A.A. 'Alan Alexander' Milne