NO KNOWS

SOH

Deciphering my marks/scoring info.

The outline for the essay was worth 10% of the overall grade. The essay was worth 90%. At the end of your essay you will see:

AP Scale #: percentage grade out of 100 (as listed on the rubric)O.L. (outline grade): points earned/10______________Final grade

Your AP Scale percentage was converted from a percentage out of 100 points to a percentage out of 90 points - I then added however many points out of 10 you received for your outline)

Ex: say someone scored a 5 on the AP Scale, so the grade that goes with that is an 85% out of 100 points. For the outline, this person scored 10/10 points. Here is the math:

5: 85 (.85 times 90=76.5)O.L.: 10/10Final grade = 76.5+10=86.5, rounded up to 87%

If you lost points on the outline,

You may have:Not used the correct format (Roman

numerals, etc). Remember, you were supposed copy the outline from the model or use the blank template I put on my website

Had elements missing

Were unable to prove the 2nd part of your thesis with the 2nd part of your outline due

Revisions

Revisions are mandatory. They are due next class.

You can receive up to 7 points back for your essay and up to 4 points back for your outline

You will start with the numbers reflection (you all have a new copy of the revised numbered comments/rubrics form, so get rid of the first one your received)

After that, I want to you to start revisions. You will use the Google Docs “Suggestions” feature just as we did before. I have a class-set of the instructions for today, but they’ll also be posted on my website

You will need to do the anecdotal reflection questions at home (will be posted on my website)

Deciphering my marks/scoring info.

I used a highlighter or underlined to mark problem areas. There will be a number and/or note next to highlighted/underlined lines

I often underlined/highlighted elements I was looking for and place d a check beside or above them.

w/c: word choice was either incorrect for context or you could have used a stronger word

c/s: comma splice—you separated two independent clauses with a comma

Fragment: most sentence fragments are due to putting a period at the end of an introductory structure when it should be a comma. For example:

Before I go to the store. I need to let out the dogs. (incorrect) Before I go to the store, I need to let out the dogs. (correct)

Mistake identification

I marked up most technical mistakes in the first DEC only (POV, tense, citations)

It is your job to find the mistakes in the rest of the essay. You will not get full revision points if you don’t do this.

New: 6 DEC Outline for Essay

I. Introduction paragraph: Thesis Statement II. Body Paragraph 1: Topic Sentence

Detail Elaboration Commentary D E C D E C

III. Body Paragraph 2: Topic Sentence D E C D E C D E C

IV. Conclusion Paragraph

Hey! Did you notice…

• Each Roman numeral indicates a NEW paragraph

• The introduction paragraph consists of JUST the thesis statement

• There are 3 DECs within each body paragraph

• Each body paragraph starts with a topic sentence

6 DEC Outline and Tri-DEC Essay

You will OUTLINE for a 6 DEC essay, but you will only FULLY WRITE OUT the introduction paragraph (thesis) and Body Paragraph 1 This is so you can practice organizing an entire essay

with an outline, but still focus on fully writing out a smaller portion

Essentially…

I. Introduction paragraph: Thesis Statement II. Body Paragraph 1: Topic Sentence

Detail Elaboration Commentary D E C D E C

III. Body Paragraph 2: Topic Sentence D E C D E C D E C

IV. Conclusion Paragraph

Fully writing out in essay

format

NOT fully writing out in essay

format

Everything you see here you

WILL include in

your outline

6 DEC Outline and Tri-DEC Essay

I. Introduction paragraph: Thesis Statement II. Body Paragraph 1: Topic Sentence

Detail Elaboration Commentary D E C D E C

III. Body Paragraph 2: Topic Sentence D E C D E C D E C

IV. Conclusion Paragraph

In The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway utilizes the elements of voice to reveal the change in Brett and Jake’s delusion about their relationship at the beginning of the novel to the clarity they achieve at the end of the novel as they come to terms with the reality of their inability to ever be together. One of the first scenes of the novel involves the protagonists, Jake and Brett, taking a ride in a taxi, a scene that will be echoed at the end of the novel, but whose voice will ultimately evolve away from the one of longing desperation that is present in the beginning of the book, due to Jake and Brett’s delusional desire to be together. Jake and Brett’s first private interaction is an emotional one, beginning as they leave a bar together to take a taxi-ride around the city. As they watch the streets of Paris roll by outside the car window, the visual imagery works to set the tone for what is no doubt a doomed relationship, due to, as the reader soon learns, a war injury that has left Jake incapable of intimacy, and therefore incapable of realizing a romantic relationship. The taxi starts out its journey traveling through the “dark,” onto “dark” streets, the only illumination present provided by a “lighted square,” “lighted bars,” “lights from the open shops,” and the “bright light” of flares that illuminate the street men are working to tear apart, and that briefly illuminate Brett’s face (32). The darkness Hemingway has conjured for the reader creates a sense of all-consuming heaviness lingering over Brett and Jake, but for moments of diversion from the dark provided by the establishments they drive by. Only the “lighted” bars, shops, and flares illuminate their features, representing the way that Jake and Brett only seem to be able to connect when imbibing in drink or seeking entertainment, as seen when Jake and Brett are in Paris as well as Spain. Repeated diction continues to build on the sense of doom as they ride in the back of the cab next to each other. They are described as sitting “apart,” yet are “jolted” closer as the cab winds its way down the street. In a moment of dark and quiet, they kiss, only for Brett to turn “away” and “[press]” against her seat, “as far away as she could get” (32). The words “apart” and “away’ denote distance, relating to the idea that Jake and Brett are kept apart by life, specifically Jake’s injury, in the same way they stay apart in the car, only “jolted,” a word with a violent connotation, together by the random jerking of the cab, just as life has swung them together time and time again, beginning with their meeting each other during the war and falling in love, and continuing with their various accidental meetings in Paris. Despite Brett’s hesitancy to be close to Jake, and despite the foreboding nature of the dark, complicated streets they drive through, as they start to converse, their diction echoes their inability to stop seeing each other, even though they are often, and sense they should be, apart. As Brett begs Jake not to touch her, she repeats words like “don’t” and “can’t,” connoting a sense of impossibility, whereas Jake continues to ask Brett if he “love[s]” her (33). Eventually, Brett too admits that her desire to see Jake “always” becomes the only thing she knows. Brett goes on to use the word “hell”(33) to describe what she puts men through, then later describes her love for Jake as “hell on earth” (34). Hemingway’s choice of the word “hell” informs the reader that Brett finds love to be a cause of great and eternal suffering, and yet she insists she “[has]” to see Jake, echoing Jake’s earlier statement that he “[has]” to see her, as though there is no other option, as though this futureless love will always be their fate (33). Despite the hopelessness of the situation, they cannot stop themselves from indulging in their desires, and they are both still clinging to the delusion of a future together.

All text to the right is JUST the intro paragraph and body paragraph 1

Thesis Construction

You must include all key prompt words in your thesis: How does the author use elements of voice to reveal Mrs. Mallard’s changing perspective on the news she has received?

You should be specific in a thesis, but not too specific (plot details, etc). You should have defined what Mrs. Mallard’s first and second perspective are, and what the news she has received entails.

You must include the title of the piece and the author’s name in your thesis. How should you have punctuated the title?

No Knows

Organization: Thesis should identify two perspectives (prompt asks what her changing perspectives are)

Topic Sentence #1 should identify FIRST perspective only. All three chunks in body paragraph 1 should be about FIRST perspective only. If you include her changed perspective in the first paragraph, what would you have left to write about in the second paragraph?

Topic sentence cont’

And speaking of topic sentences…they should state the focus of the paragraph. They should not only be plot-based, but should also be idea-based. You are informing your reader of the idea/concept that paragraph will focus on, which for this timed writing should have been her initial perspective. Let’s look at my model again…

Topic sentence cont’

The concept this paragraph will focus on is bolded:

One of the first scenes of the novel involves the protagonists, Jake and Brett, taking a ride in a taxi, a scene that will be echoed at the end of the novel, but whose voice will ultimately evolve away from the one of longing desperation that is present in the beginning of the book, due to Jake and Brett’s delusional desire to be together.

Organization of you analysis

In most cases, you should analyze the text in chronological order. So, you shouldn’t analyze details from paragraph 3 before details from paragraph 2, etc.

You definitely shouldn’t analyze the last half of a piece before analyzing the first half.

Organization for essay without contrasting opinions

For the timed writing, you may or may not be writing an essay about two things that are being contrasted like the 2 perspectives in SOH.

If your essay is going to be about one type of meaning/idea/theme that is created by elements of voice, organize your essay based on chronology (order of events in the text), and the topics covered in the first half of the text versus the second half.

Example of organization based on chronology/topic

Prompt: In Life of Pi, how does the author use elements of voice to convey Pi’s argument about zoos?

Theme Statement: often people mistake freedom with absence of structure, when in actuality, structure can create freedom to thrive.

Thesis Statement: In Life of Pi, Yann Martel uses the elements of voice to convey Pi’s argument that the structure of zoos does not take away the freedom of animals, but it actually allows animals the freedom to thrive when their needs have been properly met.

Body Paragraph 1 focus: First half of the passage and Pi’s explanation that animals want a stable, consistent environment, not a changing one.

Body paragraph 2 focus: 2nd half of the passage and Pi’s explanation of the territorial needs of animals that zoos meet.

Device Identification

Remember, part of elaboration is identifying the device you’ll be analyzing. A few of you did not do this. You wove your details and started talking about connotation, but never told me you were analyzing diction. Look at an example from my model of how to do this:

As they watch the streets of Paris roll by outside the car window, the visual imagery works to set the tone for what is no doubt a doomed relationship…

Device Analysis

If your prompt is asking you to analyze the elements of voice, then your analysis must be on a device or element, like a simile, a metaphor, personification, imagery, syntax or diction. Some of you simply interpreted the literal meaning of quotes, but didn’t actually analyze devices.

Commentary

I saw HUGE improvement from most of you. You are analyzing the effect of specific details and then connecting the effect to the bigger idea within in your topic/thesis statement

Some of you are still starting your commentary sentences with: This shows / This imagery shows / This diction conveys, etc.

Instead, restate what you mean: The word choice “haunted” conveys to the reader that…

If you see 20B on your essay, it is because you are not following the formula of:

Detail repeated or rephrased + effect/association + connection to larger meaning

I have come up with commentary sentence templates to help guide you construction of commentary

Tense/POV

All analysis of fiction must be in present tense, 3rd person, including quotations.

Remember to use brackets to change the tense in quotes: Jenny walks down the road and “saw the trees changing” should become Jenny walks down the road and “[sees] the trees changing”

You will lose major points if you do not fix this in your revision

CITATIONS

Despite multiple pleas that you go back and reread your elaboration and quote-weaving notes, most of you did not cite your quotes at all or properly.

“………………………..” (1).

Text-based Analysis

All of your analysis must be based on the text in its proper context. You have to be able to prove your inferences with real paraphrasing and real quotes, not just phrases or words you’ve taken out of context. When you do that, you are putting words in the author’s mouth, which is not okay.

So, “patches of blue sky” cannot be taken out of context to fit your analysis that she is suddenly “joyful”—do not forget the tool of juxtaposition/contrast when what is being described seems very different from what you know a character is thinking or feeling.

Common Misreading

In para. 3, the text says, “She did not hear the story as many women have heard the same, with a paralyzed inability to accept its significance. She wept at once, with sudden, wild abandonment, in her sister’s arms”

Text says she does NOT have a paralyzed inability to accept its significance. She was able to immediately accept the news and mourn.

In this context, “abandonment” does not mean she is abandoned and alone, it means she wept “without restraint”

Common Misreading

In Para. 8, the text says, “It was not a glance of reflection, but rather indicated a suspension of intelligent thought.”

“suspension” means to temporarily prevent from continuing. Many of you stated that at this point she begins to reflect and think intelligent thoughts, but the text says the opposite. She is not reflecting and intelligent thought is suspended.

This is a prime example of how you cannot take a detail out of its context to serve your analysis needs. Find what is actually there and write about that. Be sure to read the text, especially the text you quote, very carefully.

Ex:

Misreading

Clarification: at the end, her husband doesn’t come back from the dead, she is not already dead when she sees him, and she doesn’t grieve so much that she wishes she was dead. Her grief transforms into joy when she realizes she’ll be free, then she dies (onset by sudden shock and disappointment) after realizing her husband isn’t really dead.

Marker Verbs

Way too much “shows” and general oatmeal verbs going on. I will be checking closely that you’ve used your pages on marker verbs in your resource packet for you revisions.

Difference between diction and imagery

Diction is word choice that has a strong connotation (feeling) or a relevant denotation (dictionary definition)

Imagery is descriptive language that appeals to the 5 senses. It won’t be a single word, but will be a grouping of words that paints a picture.

Diction: “wept”Imagery: “The delicious breath of rain was in the air. In the

street below a peddler was crying his wares. The notes of a distant song which some one was singing reached her faintly, and countless sparrows were twittering in the eaves.”

Metaphor: “storm of grief”

Sentence variety

To get a 7 or higher, you must have style, maturity, and sophistication present in your essay/sentence construction.

We learned the brushstrokes not just to memorize grammar, but to have a tool we can USE. Brushstrokes are a great way to add sophistication to your sentences.

The same goes for the Latin roots vocabulary!