News in Brief by Stephen Cook

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British Government Declares New Public

Holiday

Following England’s failure to assert global

dominance and thrash everybody at that most

important of all human endeavours, football, the

government has announced the introduction of a

new public holiday in July.

It will be called the National Day of Public

Whingeing and everybody will be required by law

to sit around in armchairs or pubs (or both) and

explain how they would have done a much better

job of management than the manager and

controlled the midfield a lot better than Steven

Gerard.

This is to be a British holiday, however, as the

Scots, Welsh and Irish will be encouraged to join

in.

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Global Shortage Threatens the Economy

The government was left reeling with shock

today, its plans for economic recovery in tatters,

with the discovery of a global shortage of

ruthless dictators.

The ruthless dictator scarcity looks set to hit the

economy of the United States the hardest, as it

relies on a regular supply of demented

megalomaniacs to keep the wheels of industry

turning.

US secretary for Peace-loving Invasions, Joe

Stalin (92) explained to an ashen-faced press

gathering this morning: “As you well know, the

only workable basis ever found, after endless

minutes of research, for economic vitality in an

open democracy is war and preparedness for

war. For that resource we rely on a good portion

of the planet being managed by sociopathic

loonies of our choosing.”

The US feels particularly hurt and let down by

Iran’s refusal to bow to international pressure

and build nuclear weapons or even pretend that

it is. With it, it is said, goes the West’s hope of a

swift end to the crisis.

Without the help and reliable ill will of such

economic partners, major domestic industries

that produce commodities vital for the

maintenance of a civilised standard of living,

such as tanks, land mines and exploding vests

will grind to a halt.

Western nations may be forced to resort to

make-work industries turning out frivolous

products such as shoes and spoons for people

who don’t really deserve them in order to keep

billions of people in work.

The news is dire for the US subsidiary, Great

Britain, also. Leaders of our beloved

Constitutional Democracy fear that deliveries of

munitions and high explosives to the Middle East

and the Third World will grind to a halt and that

the Banking Sector will be hit hard by a lack of

people borrowing money to rebuild cities

democratically demolished by said high

explosives.

The largest domestic employer in the US also

announced it may have to lay off millions of

workers. The Homeland Security conglomerate,

which employs 149 million otherwise

unemployable people in 246 intelligence

agencies (the so-called “3 letter” agencies such

as the CIA, FBI, NSA, KGB, PPS, OTT, QED,

AAA, LBJ and RSS) may have to lay off most of

its work-force. This in turn will produce a

downward pressure on wages in other sectors

such as private detectives, private security firms,

bounty hunters, whistleblowers and memoir-

writers.

A memorandum leaked in Washington suggests

that the US, right out of ideas, is looking to other,

as yet untried avenues to make up for the threat

of a catastrophic outbreak of not invading

anybody.

With the discovery by the Hubble telescope of life

on the fourth planet orbiting the nearby star

Proxima Centauri, the world’s first interstellar

ship, the Armageddon, is hurriedly being kitted

out and a forty-thousand- man crew trained for

the nine hundred year voyage to “establish

peaceful relations with our interstellar

neighbours.”

Its cargo of torpedoes, space-to-ground strategic

missiles (the so-called “smug” bomb) and high-

orbit bombers are said to be “just a precaution” in

case the inhabitants of the new planet take

exception to the good will mission walking off

with their natural resources.

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Today’s News in Brief

The Daily Scare by Stephen Cook

News in Brief by Stephen Cook

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The government today announced that it is

“completely stumped” and unable to explain how

the nation ended up with twice as much debt as

there is actual money in existence.

A spokescretin, for the Treasury, Mr Sloe

Deathby-Tax did however point out that this

particular cloud in the overcast heavens does

have a silver lining in that Great Britain is in fact

doing a lot better than the United States, which

has around three times as much debt as money.

“It is something about which everyone in these

Septic Isles can feel justly smug.” he said.

The revelations were timed to coincidence with

the launch of a new initiative for tackling Britain’s

mountain of debt. The Treasury has proudly

announced revolutionary plans to follow the

revolutionary plans of every country in Europe

and “borrow lots more money” so as to get the

nation out of debt.

Government to Borrow Money to Get Out of Debt

News in Brief by Stephen Cook

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