Negotiating With Your Spouse
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Transcript of Negotiating With Your Spouse
Negotiating With Your Spouse
How to Stay Married
Despite Your Differences
Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009
The Pattern of a Relationship
• You meet and fall in love• What is love• How long is your engagement?• Did you work through any problems• How long does the honeymoon last?• Why does the honeymoon end?• What do you do after the honeymoon ends?
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
The Pattern of a Marriage
• The Wedding• Post Wedding• Your Spouse’s Family• Your Spouse’s Parents• Your Spouse’s Personality• Your Spouse’s Personal Habits• Is your spouse still
beautiful/handsome?
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Having Children
• Joys of Parenthood• Who is more important: the
children or your spouse?• How busy are you?• Who is taking care of the
children?• Who is doing the housework?• Who is working outside of the
house?
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Money Issues
• Do you have too much money?• Do you have too little money?• What can you do about it?• Do you have just about the right amount of
money?• Do you have joint or separate accounts or both?• Do you make money decisions together or
separately?
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Contribution Issues
• Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight?
• Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight?
• What to do if there is an imbalance?
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Gender Roles/Expectations
• Are gender roles/expectations a problem?
• What if your spouse is at home with or without the children?
• What if your spouse is un- or under-employed?
• What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family?
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
• Distorted thinking• We should never have
conflict• My spouse should meet all
of my needs• Getting into mental ruts• Getting into behavioral ruts• “ I can change my spouse”
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Mind Games
Finding “The One”
• Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)?
• What is a soul mate?
• Becoming the perfect one
• Marriage creates soul mates
• Marriage is commitment
• Making marriage your career
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
It Takes One to Tango
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
• Annoying thought but true
• Changes you make can affect your spouse
• It’s like training your dog
• Your spouse may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay
Corrosive Events & Circumstances
• Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement.
• Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement.• Illness of a child.• Behavioral issues of a child.• Illness of spouse.• Death of spouse’s parents• Loss of money or job
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
We Thought We Were So Compatible…
• Differences in spending• Different interests and hobbies• Different concept of vacations• Differences in how you wish to
spend free time• Differences in religion/spirituality• Differences in child rearing
methods
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Conflict Can Be Good
• Don’t let it burn out of control• Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage• What not to do• Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint• Don’t attack each other’s character• Showing contempt• Stonewalling• Blaming
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
What to Do About It
• The Laurie Israel Plan for Staying Married
• Studies on staying with it
• Problem about sharing bad things with friends/family
• Some things you can change
• Some things never change
• Walking around problem areas
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
What to Do About It, Part 2
• Communicating verbally
• Hot speech
• Using “I” words
• Asking the powerful non-defensive question
• Communicating in writing
• The problems with email
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
What to Do About It, Part 3
• Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words
• Encouraging good behavior with “predictions”
• Creating clear boundaries
• Protecting yourself
• Disarming your spouse
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
What to Do About It, Part 4
• Demonstrating respect to your spouse
• What to do if your spouse does not demonstrate respect to you.
• Bargaining with your spouse.
• Accepting imperfections
• Promoting freedom for each of you
• Promoting self growth
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Counteracting Marital Malaise
• Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions
• Counteracting marital dissatisfaction
• Encouraging compassion
• Discouraging resentment
• Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Marriage is Important
• Why marriage is important
• Why marriage deserves your attention
• Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else
• Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals
• If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Financial Security
• The third leg of a three-legged stool
• Work hard to create financial security
• Make sure money is not scarce
• Enjoy your life
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Forgiveness
• Everybody makes mistakes• Everybody says things wrong• Let things pass• Assume your spouse (and
you) will learn from your mistakes
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Fidelity
• Be faithful and do not have an affair• What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair• What to do if your spouse has an actual affair• What to do if you are having an emotional affair• What to do if you are having an actual affair• Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage• The different types of infidelity• How people can heal their marriages
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Expectations
• Don’t think marriage is perfect• Don’t think marriage is easy• Be satisfied with the things you have• Know that both or you are doing the
best that you can• Always assume the best of your
spouse• Don’t think it is greener on the other
side• Compliment your spouse at least
once a day
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided
• Unnecessary• Starting over with same problems• Financially devastating• Should you stay married because of the
children?• Learning about life and reconciliation• A shared history of memories and experiences
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
Where to Get Help
• It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track
• Read books on marriage• Go to marriage websites• Attend marriage retreat programs• Marriage counseling• Individual counseling/therapy• Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married)• See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what
a divorce would look like
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com