Narratives of Difference in Onset of Group Couple Counseling

Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 84 ( 2013 ) 1866 – 1871

1877-0428 © 2013 The Authors. Published by Elsevier Ltd. Selection and peer-review under responsibility of Prof. Dr. Huseyin Uzunboylu & Dr. Mukaddes Demirok, Near East University, Cyprusdoi: 10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.07.050

Narratives of difference in onset of group couple counseling Vilija Girgzdea *, Viktoras Keturakisb

aDepartment of Psychology, Mykolas Romeris University, Ateities str. 20, LT-08303 Vilnius, Lithuania bDepartment of General and Educational Psychology, Vilnius University, Universiteto str. 3, LT - 01513 Vilnius, Lithuania

Abstract

The aim of the qualitative study is A sample of 10 heterosexual couples, out of 15 applying for group psychological counseling was interviewed for narrative research. The findings revealed the

. Other

experience of the other person in couple when it differs from ones own, even emotional detachment and the comparative way differences were described as well as preference towards one's own point of view. These findings are discussed with reference to the importance of connectedness and dialogue in relationship emphasizing unrecognized, fused, distant, vaguely verbalized experiences of differences.

Keywords: Couple, difference, conflict, lived-experience, differentiation, narratives

1. Introduction

All kinds of differences emerge when people start relating as a couple. Encountering differences can be challenging personally and interpersonally. Differences can be in various domains. There can be differences of points of view, different ways of solving issues, different ways of spending time and relating, and getting o

-experience of encountering their differences, which is the focus of our research.

Nomenclature

A radius of

B position of

C further nomenclature continues down the page inside the text box

* Corresponding author. Tel.: +370-698-25503; fax: +370-5-2784810. E-mail address: [email protected].

3rd World Conference on Psychology, Counselling and Guidance (WCPCG-2012)

© 2013 Published by Elsevier Ltd. Selection and peer review under the responsibility of Dr. Melehat Halat

Available online at www.sciencedirect.com

© 2013 The Authors. Published by Elsevier Ltd. Selection and peer-review under responsibility of Prof. Dr. Huseyin Uzunboylu & Dr. Mukaddes Demirok, Near East University, Cyprus

1867 Vilija Girgzde and Viktoras Keturakis / Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 84 ( 2013 ) 1866 – 1871

1.1. Studies of relational conflicts

Some studies of relational conflicts between partners focused on marital satisfaction (Heavey, Christensen & Malamuth, 1995) others - on intervention models (Gottman, 1993; Beckenbach, Patrick & Sells, 2010). Conflicts of

Murray & Holmes, 2009). If we follow the assumption that conflicts Partners who openly discuss issues, express their feelings positively and work towards mutually agreeable resolution to problems report increased satisfaction (Christensen & Shenk, 1991). Conflict communication studies indicate that some patterns of interaction reflect active and constructive negotiation of differences (Caughlin & Huston, 2002). Couples whose ways of managing conflict are characterized by avoidance and withdrawal reported dissatisfaction

important to note several factors here. One factor is how partners communicate in the conflict and studies suggest that open discussion, and active and constructive negotiation are helpful. Another factor is the content addressed in conflict in general terms. Here we note the importance of differences between partners that need to be negotiated. In this article we will focus on this factor of differences as one of the general content elements in relational conflicts.

1.2. Studies of differentiation

One of the theoretical and practical endeavors to describe differences in the psychological domain was the concept of differentiation or self-differentiation. The idea of differentiation was elaborated by Bowen (1978). The concept of self-differentiation has two dimensions; intra psychic and interpersonal. On an intra-psychic level, differentiation refers to the ability to distinguish emotional feelings from other intellectual processes. At the interpersonal level differentiation involves the capacity to develop a balance of autonomy while maintaining closeness with others. Some empirical studies support the conceptualization of differentiation (Skowron & Friedlander, 1998; Skowron, 2000; Murdock & Gore, 2004) and raise the next question of differentiation not merely as a quality that partners obtain, but rather as a process of for dealing with differences. Moreover, clinical observations suggest that issues of differences are highly silent in distressed couples.

more important than what the differences ac ery little research has directly examined the experience of such dynamics. We focus on experience of differences in relationship narrated subjectively. Many studies of couples report responses from only one member of the dyad. We are interested in experiences narrated by both partners in

2. Methodology

2.1 Participants

All participants were recruited out of 15 heterosexual couples participating in ten 1.5-hour sessions of psychological group counseling during 2011-2012. During initial interview before group meetings 10 couples have agreed to participate in the study. The conjoint interviews were conducted and recorded. The principles of

were explained and accepted by participants by signing written agreements. The duration of living as couple was from 7 to 20 years. All of them were educated in higher schools and employed. Two couples out of 10 had no

ge average was 36.3 years, 37.5 for men and 35 for women.


2.2. Interviews

We interviewed the couples performing nonstructural talk (Mishler, 1986), focusing on their experiences of l me about situation, when you and your

- marriage duration, family constellation, age, educational and job status - were recorded. Interviews were digitally

interjections were left in transcripts, comments of interviewer not removed. Participants' names were changed to ensure participants' anonymity.

2.3. Data analysis

This is an explorative, descriptive qualitative study using dialogic/performance analysis (Riessman, 2008) of experiences of difference of both partners in couple. Interactions between participants and the context of the research are taken into account. We chose to investigate experiences in places they were constructed. Data was analyzed in several steps. In the first step narratives were extracted from the whole set of data. The narrative criteria of stories with beginning-middle-investigator (Riessman, 2008) were applied. Each narrative was given a labeling phrase. In the second step narratives were scanned through different domains of experience: interpersonal, interpersonal, discursive, and performative. Transcripts of narratives were examined for commonalities and differences between participants in the third step. And finally, academic narratives were formulated and written. Researchers were aware to take the fact that couples were interviewed by woman, creating gender misbalance, may have implications for the power relationship between interviewer and interviewees (Yeh & Inman, 2007).

3. Findings

3.1. All the couples chose to talk about repetitive situations of stress and unresolved conflict. The issue of

ery bad then. I can not say what is happening with me (looks teary

refusing to let her mother stay with her, because it irritates her partner. Both have been feeling repeatedly unhappy afterwards. Dialogic analysis of conversations showed as the interview progressed that participants kept revisiting concerns about their differences. 3.2. We uncovered partners' narratives about them as if they were one person. This theme appeared in both, male and female stories. One of the respondents shared about the situation, which seemed clear to him and needed no further explanation. The partner still kept asking questions about it and the participant judged his partner's behavior as nonsensical. It manifests as astonishment of one respondent. He is surprised by her question when should the mortgage payment end, because, he says, if you know the duration of the mortgage you can calculate the date of the last payment. Her questions and possibly different course of thinking irritated him. Dialogic performance analysis revealed that couples respond to inquiry, as they were one person. The following interaction illustrates this moment: Interviewer (asking him): "How could you describe what is this difference about?" He: "well... what is this difference about....?"(Pause) She: "It is about my way of relating with those people..."

Another example of the narrative when responder reports that he is approached with the question and demand by partner without being noticed that he had been involved in some other activity at the moment. 3.3


Respondents, both men and women, expressed their tiredness from stressful experiences. They change topic

facing differences with tension: She: No, it's a shame, that the evening is spoiled again. It started all well... It's over then. And afterwards we wake up

3.4. Spouses living through crisis in relationship crisis experience what could be called emotional detachment from each other. Men had their own ways to experience withdrawal to their private worlds. One respondent expressed his decision loudly: He: "I have..., as I call, I have... separate drawers from my days of childhood, I have separate flat now and nobody has any right to crawl into it and..., and, and ... (overlapping language/ not decipherable 3.5. The difference is neglected in couple interaction by not perceiving the importance of what bothers, concerns the other person. This is revealed in one remark on how she makes meaning about her touching other men: She: "Look, the same thing of taking the hand of the friend. I do not remember, I haven't noticed... "

He: "Yeee (sounds concerned, worried)" She: "Yes, yes (laughing)."

Another couple reflected on their argument. She noted that she was unheard in discussion. At this moment, he plunged into inspecting details of the topic, at the expense of noticing his partner and her remark of not being heard. 3.6 Partners reported many differences in bringing up children, spending money, being together, spending time, arguing, experiencing themselves in conflict, etc. There were two outstanding features almost in all narratives of difference: the comparative way they were described and preference towards one's own point of view that stood out. For example, one partner started making notes for herself during the advance of interview.

He: "It is strange, that she writes down such things." She: "I am sorry. It is my professional habit. I take notes in every lecture. It is not the protocol." He: "No, no, it is not about protocol. It is strange, that she needed to write down essential things (...) making notes and including this to the rules is meani

4. Discussion

The aim of this study was to icipants referring

to the repetitive situations of tension, rather then conflict from time to time. Repetition of being trapped in distress bothers people. The emergence of this theme may be related to the context of the study. They were going to participa

themselves and they bring them to the counseling. The context of investigation (Riessman, 2008) is important. We could offer the well known concept called "Zeigarnik effect" when people better recollect tasks that they have not finished compared to completed tasks (Zeigarnik, 1986) as explanation here. Gestalt therapy theorists have developed it further stating that people in unfinished situation have an urge, a need to complete it (Mazur, 1996).

no arguing as


main difficulties resolved. The themes strate lower interest in the experience of the other person in couple when it differs from ones own. Partners in couples of this study narrate their strivings for acceptance of their own rhythm, personal needs, wants and their failures to reach them, and find themselves in repeated conflict. uniqueness and wholeness of another person makes experience of meeting possible. If we agree with Buber, than the results of our study mean that partners miss the opportunity to meet each other in their relationship by being not interested in the difference of the experience of the other. The experience of encountering differences may become dichotomous between extreme judgments of good and bad, or true a

which exacerbates the split between two perspectives of the partners. Another tendency to deal with this experience is to seal differences in order to prevent its imagined dangerous impact to separate partners. They tend to experience difference as stressful and therefore may try to eliminate it by either becoming like the other in interpersonal fusion (Skowron & Schmitt, 2003) or endeavor to make the other be similar to them. This is expressed in individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your

stance in couple relationship, which lately may develop into cyclic conflict. Although partners do consider their differences in non-tensed conversations, naming their different hobbies and attitudes, there are subtler differences that are difficult to articulate, communicate and respect in tensed situations.

already want to change their dialogue, both partners were seeking psychological counseling at the moment of research. Having discussed the results it is important to mention some of limitations in this study. There is always more then one way to interpret text (Riessman, 2008) and results cannot be generalized to all couples, considering or seeking for psychological assistance.

5. Conclusion

through relationship crisis. They experience differences in repetitive fused or distant, unrecognized and scarcely verbalized ways. This may withhold them from full-hearted contact and understanding at that time. Flexibility and understanding from both partners is something that is absent, when a couple has a hard time in their relationships.

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Narratives of Difference in Onset of Group Couple Counseling

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