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My Difficulties Are Manifoldby Jayworth Zed

If you are experiencing troubles with the women in your life, then I pityyou, in a condescending manner. I, on the other hand, have nearly one

hundred difficulties that I face, but I do not count women among them. Forexample, the police have been investigating my possible gun ownership. Andthere are a number of people who would be happier if I were dead, particularlythose who have criticized my artistic stylings. Certain members of the musicindustry have implied that I am irresponsible with my earnings, failing to takeinto account my impecunious upbringing. I willfully ignore their commentary,however, and suggest that they apply their tongues to the entirety of mysphincter. If they find my music to be offensive, they can simply choose not topartake.

Sometimes I find that my take-it-or-leave-it attitude prevents my mostfamous titles from being properly exposed by the media, particularly when I

refuse to cooperate with churlish radio show hosts. Other members of themedia attempt to exploit my fame and fortune for their own economic benefit,operating under the misguided impression that I am blissfully unaware of theirbusiness tactics. My success in extricating myself from my own monetarychallenges should clue them in: I am not to be trifled with.

So if you are still concerned about your piddling romantic problems, I willremind you that my own struggles, numbering well into the double digits, donot involve a single female. Strike me directly! I will repeat this for emphasis.

You may be having a disagreement with your significant other, but mystruggles do not involve a single female!

In a summer past, I was traveling down a passage cleared for vehiculartravel, when I was accosted by the local constable. I found myself at a mentalcrossroads; do I obey the police officer's directive, or do I brazenly speed off into the distance, hoping he is not swift enough to catch me?In my mind's eye, I saw a breaking news bulletin, highlighting my criminalescape, and I was repulsed by the thought. Bolstered by the knowledge that Ihave funds sufficient to retain an attorney, I chose instead to comply.

As I pulled my vehicle to the shoulder, the police officer approached. Heasked if I was aware of the reason for my detention, and I replied somewhatsnidely that my telepathic abilities left something to be desired. Due to hisdisrespectful attitude, I felt as if our altercation began solely due to my age,race, and dress, and the stereotypical predilection towards criminal activityoften associated with the three. The officer casually remarked, "By myaccount, you had reached speeds which were impermissible in this area," butmy instinct told me that his measurements were tainted by a deep-seatedprejudice.

At this point, the officer demanded that I present my driver's license andregistration documents, and further directed me to step out of my vehicle, so

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that he may execute a Terry frisk, believing that I, like many others in mysocioeconomic position, was armed. But I demurred, and, noting both thelegitimacy of my registration and the secured nature of my valuables,reminded the officer of my 4th Amendment right to freedom fromunreasonable searches and seizures.

The police officer became visibly irritated, and spoke to me in anincreasingly paternalistic manner, mockingly inquiring about my qualificationsand questioning the basis of my seemingly unfounded recalcitrance. Though Iam not an attorney, I am proud of my legal erudition. But, sadly, in this case,this knowledge did not prevent the subsequent arrival of a K-9 unit, a factwhich was noted with glee by the condescending officer.

If the comparison is not yet glaringly obvious to you, what I am trying toimpart is that my problems, which are plentiful, have nothing whatsoever todo with women. Strike me directly! I will repeat this for emphasis. If yourdifficulties involve the fairer sex, then I am sympathetic, but my own problemshave nothing whatsoever to do with women.

A short while ago, I encountered a loud-mouthed prostitute. Now, I feel Imust clarify--this person did not possess a vagina, nor did he actuallyexchange sexual favors for money. No, I was using the term to dispenseridicule upon this gentleman, whose lack of judgment and common decencydispleased me greatly. In what turned out to be a very characteristic move onthe part of said gentleman, he began to jostle me with his fists. I am apeaceable man, and although this ruffian was doing well to raise my ire, Iattempted to channel my indignation toward a higher power. Summoning myinner strength, I prayed to God for this man's salvation and enlightenment.

I'm sure that you, dear listener, have encountered similar individuals: thosewho produce noise to rival an active internal combustion engine, but whose

timidity and cowardice ultimately preclude them from any form of physicalcombat. I would go so far as to suggest that, were we to settle our differenceswith the violent use of edible vegetation, nary a morsel would be injured.

No good could have come from this exchange. It's a story as old as time - Iengage the young hoodlum in fisticuffs, who then, despite the inherent ironyof the situation, reports the battle to the authorities. The end result, of course,would be my incarceration. Once more! I would be confined with the lowestof society's downtrodden. Once more! I would have to tolerate the maniacaltwitchings of the addicts. Once more! And irresponsible journalists wouldcertainly be present, capturing my humiliation with flash photography. Thedistrict attorney will once again show his prejudice by arguing for an

absolutely egregious bail amount, not only because of my universallyslandered race, but also because of my fame, which he will exploit to make anexample out of me to society at large.

I ask you, is it fair that I am to endure this injustice, simply because thisvagabond portrayed his actions as innocent? Before you answer, let meremind you that I am armed, and my love affair with my pistol prevents mefrom taking any foolishness with good humor. I will slap it against my handmenacingly as I obsessively repeat my refrain; I hope it will work its way into

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your brain so that you never again bother me with your trifles. My difficultiesare manifold, but never once have allowed a woman to work her way undermy skin. Strike me directly! Yes.

Your madness is evident, Richard! It is I, your compatriot, Jayworth Zed!