My Cupid Husband

By

Jarred Hodgdon

"My Cupid Husband" - Lifetime movie trailer parody

By Jarred Hodgdon

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHURCH - DAY

MUSIC: Chipper/happy

INSERT: Graphic "Lifetime Network Presents"

A car pulls off- windows state "Just Married", cans and

streamers trail behind. Excited GUESTS throw rice and CHEER.

ANNOUNCER (V.O)

Their perfect marriage was the

stuff of myth and legend.

FLASH TO WHITE

INT. PUB - NIGHT

JULIE (32), girl next door, throws a dart at the dart board

and gets a terrible score.

COOP (looks 30), in flowy white garb, approaches from behind

her. They GIGGLE as lovers do, he takes her hand and shows

her how to throw. The dart hits the bullseye.

FLASH TO WHITE

INT. JULIE AND COOP’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Coop, shirtless in white harem pants, grabs his quiver of

arrows and heads for the door.

COOP

Bye darling. Off to work!

JULIE

Hold it you.

Julie grabs hold and twirls Coop around planting a big (slow

motion) kiss on him.

ANNOUNCER (V.O)

But sometimes a love of

mythological proportions doesn’t

make a fairy tale marriage.

FLASH TO WHITE

2.

INT. JULIE’S OFFICE - DAY

Julie and her co-worker MONAE (40) sit at their desks as

FLOWER DELIVERY BOY (18) delivers a bouquet of red roses.

DELIVERY BOY

Flowers for Julie!

Julie receives them.

JULIE

Aw, I have the best husband.

MONAE

Mmm hmm. My husband only sends

flowers when he did something

wrong.

JULIE

Coop? No he’s the best. He’s been

so busy with work, probably just

wants to show his love.

MONAE

What does he do?

JULIE

He’s an archer.

MONAE

Archery? What kind of profession is

archery?

Julie’s smile fades to a look of concern. FREEZE FRAME

FLASH TO WHITE

MUSIC grows ominous.

INT. JULIE AND COOP’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The couple sits on the couch, Coop in a white robe.

JULIE

Honey, do you remember how we met?

COOP

How could I forget.

3.

FLASHBACK B+W EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Julie is rushing down a bustling street with groceries. She

rounds a corner and bumps into Coop - dropping her bags.

Coop and her pick them up together - rising, their eyes

meet.

FREEZE FRAME on Julie’s expression - wide eyed, mesmerized.

COOP (V.O)(CON’T)

It was love at first sight.

FLASH TO WHITE

INT. CAFE - DAY

Julie sits with her mother DELLA (60), sipping lattes.

ANNOUNCER (V.O)

Could the perfect husband be, in

fact, a perfect mythological

construction?

JULIE

Mom? Did Dad ever seem like a

different man than the one you

married?

DELLA

No. Your father was always a

schmuck.

JULIE

Do you ever wonder why Coop is half

naked or in robes most the time?

DELLA

Don’t be silly. You said it

yourself, his parents were hippies.

JULIE

Yeah...

(to herself)

why have I never met his parents?

Julie sips her latte. FREEZE FRAME on her look of concern.

COOP (V.O.)

My folks and me, don’t see eye to

eye right now.

4.

FLASHBACK A HEAVENLY CLOUD

Coop confronts his parents, the deities Venus and Vulcan.

VULCAN

No son of mine will marry a mortal!

COOP

I’ve been living my life by your

rules the last 5,000 years!

Venus slaps her son. FREEZE FRAME

JULIE (V.O.)

I hired a private eye. against my

own husband.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Coop is fully nude hovering on a cloud above PASSERBY’S. He

fires an arrow into a man.

PRIVATE EYE peers around a corner with camera.

FREEZE FRAME on the shocked P.I.

COOP (V.O.)

Honey, do you remember how we met.

FLASHBACK B+W EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Replay of the previous flashback but moments earlier. Julie

is rushing down a bustling street with groceries.

Coop appears before her and quickly fires arrow after arrow

right into her heart.

FREEZE FRAME on falling groceries.

INT. GROCERY STORE

Julie and Coop stroll the aisle- Coop picks up an item.

COOP

Oooh, Greek yogurt.

Julie breaks down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

JULIE

I can’t live with your myths

anymore!

MUSIC : Grows even more ominous and frantic.

INT. JULIE’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Coop paces the room in a white diaper, angrily showcasing

two arrows.

COOP

The gold arrow ensures eternal

love.

He gets right up in Julie’s face.

COOP (CONT’D)

And the silver one means you’ll

never love again!

FLASH TO WHITE

INSERT Full Screen title : "MY CUPID HUSBAND"

ANNOUNCER (V.O)

This Valentine’s, Lifetime

presents, "My Cupid Husband".

INT. JULIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Julie leans against the door, panting in fear.

JULIE

Oh no...I married Cupid.

An arrow pierces the door right in front of Julie’s face.

She SCREAMS.

BLACKOUT