Melissa Sandler, MSW, ACSW Promising Practices: Mental Health and Aging January 14, 2015.
Must We Talk About This? ChildrenandGriefDeathandDying/… · Must We Talk About This? Children and...
Transcript of Must We Talk About This? ChildrenandGriefDeathandDying/… · Must We Talk About This? Children and...
10/30/2019
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Must We Talk About This?Children and Grief, Death and Dying
Greg Adams, LCSW, ACSW, FT
goodmourningcenter.org
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Center for Good Mourning
• Spring and fall grief support groups• Good Mourning website• School assistance• Community education• The Mourning News—e‐newsletter
www.goodmourningcenter.org
Disenfranchised Grief (Doka)
• Not validated as a true loss
• Not seen as a valid relationship
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Dual Process Model (Stroebe & Schut)
Loss Orientation
• Grief work
• Intrusion of grief
• Breaking‐continuing‐relocating bonds/ties
• Denial/avoidance of restoration changes
Restoration Orientation
• Attending to life changes
• Doing new things
• Distraction from grief
• Denial/avoidance of grief
• New roles/identities/
relationships
Styles of Grieving (Doka and Martin)
Intuitive• Feelings are very intense
• Crying mirrors inner experience
• Helpful to experience and express feelings
• Periods of confusion, difficulty concentrating, disorganization
• May feel exhausted and/or anxious
Instrumental• Experience of grief is more thinking—
feelings are less intense• General reluctance to talk about
feelings• Mastery (control) of self and
surroundings are most important• Problem‐solving is a helpful strategy• Brief periods of difficulties in thinking
are common• Energy levels may be higher (although
this may not be noticed)
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Meaning‐Making(Neimeyer)
• Sense‐making
• Benefit‐finding
Red Flags
• If loss can’t be integrated into larger story
• If loss can’t be told—to others, to oneself
Loss of Assumptive World(Kaufman)
• The world we know
• How we believe the world works
• The only world we really know
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Grief—a process of discovery(Schneider)
What is lost?
What is left?
What is possible?
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Common questions
• What do I say to a young child after a person has died?
• What do I say when it was a suicide?
• How can I tell if my child needs extra help?
• Your suggested questions?
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Fundamental points• Tell only the truth—but not all the truth• The person died—used “died” and “dead”• Everyone is upset and sad—including adults—but that the adults and family will continue to do what needs to be done
• It is not their fault• We can remember, talk, and ask questions about the person any time
Children’s Understanding of Death (Corr)
• Universality– All inclusiveness– Inevitability– Unpredictability
• Irreversibility• Nonfunctionality• Causality• Some type of
continued life form
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Myths about Children and Grief(Wolfelt)
• Grief and mourning are the same thing
• Child’s grief is short in duration
• Grief and mourning are predictable and stage‐like
Myths continued• Infants and toddlers are too young to grieve
• Children are not affected by mourning of adults
• Childhood loss leads to a maladjusted life
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Even more myths• Children are better off
not attending funerals
• Expression of tears is “weak” and harmful
• Adults should be able to instantly teach about religion and death
One last myth: Goal is to “get over it”
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Reconciliation Needs of Mourning
(Wolfelt)
Move toward the pain while being nurtured
Reconciliation Needs of Mourning
Experience and express reality of loss—which means they need to have an understanding of
what happened
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Reconciliation Needs of Mourning
Convert relationship to one of memory
Reconciliation Needs of Mourning
Develop new self‐identity
Relate experience of loss to a context of meaning
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Reconciliation Needs of Mourning continued
Experience continued supportive and stabilizing adult presence
Four Tasks of Mourning(a different version‐‐Trozzi & Massimini)
• Understanding
• Grieving
• Commemorating
• Moving on
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So, there are not books that will do it for us and there are no magic “right” words to say. It’s the trying, the sharing, and the caring‐‐the wanting to help and the willingness to listen‐‐that says “I care about you.” When we know that we do care about each other, then, together, we can talk about even the most difficult things and cope with even the most difficult times.
Hedda Bluestone Sharapan
“Talking with Children about Death”
Greg Adams [email protected] To sign up for The Mourning News (grief/loss electronic newsletter): www.goodmourningcenter.org