Moving Couples Beyond Repair: Repatterning Relationships in EFT 


Elana Katz, LCSW Melbourne Community for EFT

In Partnership with AAFT


February 14, 2019

Introductions

• Meetsomeoneyoudon’tknow

• Whatdidtheyleavebehindtobeheretoday,andwhydidtheydecidetocome?

EFT-A New Era in Couples Therapy

The couples therapist is in territory of the: • Understandable • Predictable • Explainable • Changeable We know: • The Territory – The Problem - Distance • The Destination – Goal – Secure Attachment • The Map/Key Moves – Deescalation, Bonding

events

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Attachmenttheoryexplains…

• Stonewalling,likethestillfaceexperimentsinwhichmothersshowednoresponsetotheirchildren(Tronick,1989),shattersassumptionsofresponsivenessandinducesunbearabledistress

TheBottomLine

• EFTisaboutrestoring,repairingorcreatingrelationshipscharacterizedbycyclesofattunementandresponsiveness

• EFTcreatesinsession,correctiveemotionalexperiencesuniquetothemodel

Emotion

• Insometherapiesemotionwasoftenseenintermsofventilationandcatharsis,or–ifcognitiveshiftswereemphasized-itwastobecontainedoravoided

• InEFTemotionisboththeorganizingelementincoupleinteractionsandanagentofchange

Experiential-Emotions

Systemic-

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Attachment

Overview:WhyEFT?

• Wearemammals• Attachmentneedsarecradletograve(Bowlby)• Acultureofseparatenessisatoddswithourbiology

• Empathyisournaturalstate• Whenwedonotgetemotionalresponsivenessweprotest

• Thisprotestoccursinpredictablewaysforeachperson

Overview:WhyEFT?

• Emotionalseparationcuespanicandprotest• Theattachmentstyleofonepartnerfuelsthereactivityoftheother

• Thiscreatescyclesofinteractionthatarepredictableandrecurringforeachcouple

• Theantidotetodisruptedattachmentistheabilitytocreatesecureattachment

PrinciplesofAttachmentTheory:
Dependencyisdepathologized

• Theneedforonepredictableemotional
connectionoratiewithafewsignificantothers
isaninnateandprimarymotivatingprinciplein
humanbeings,especiallyintimesof

transition,stress,ordanger

• Connectionoffersasafehaveninadangerous
world

PrinciplesofAttachment:
Feltsecurityfostersautonomy

• Asecureinterdependenceinanadultrelationshipallowspartnerstobeseparateanddifferentwithoutanxietyandencouragesthemtoexploretheworld

Principles:
Emotioniscentraltoattachment

• Emotionalaccessibilityandresponsivenesspredictsthequalityofarelationship

• Inacloserelationship,anyresponseisbetterthannone;“it’sbettertobewantedformurderthannottobewantedatall”(Stern)

Principles:Whenpartnerisnotaccessibleandresponsive,separationdistressispredictable

• Thisincludesangryprotest,clingingandseeking,depressionanddespair,anddetachment–wewillseethatwhenwelookatcyclesofinteraction

Principles:Wecanidentifybehaviorsthatelicitcontactwiththelovedone

• Inasecurebondtheseinvolvesendingclear,congruentmessagesthepullthelovedonetowardthepartner

Principles:Adultattachmentintegratescaregiving,attachmentandsexuality

• Touching,emotionalconnectionandsoothing

• Emotionalopenness,responsivenessandtendernessheightenpleasure

• Attachmentisalsorepresentational:securepartnersholdeachotherinheartandmind

Principles:Constrainedpatternsofinteractionconstrictsthewaywethink

• Weformandmaintainworkingmodelsaboutthedependabilityofothersandtheworthinessoftheselfintheemotionalcommunicationwithattachmentfigures

Thisemergesinstage2ofEFTwork

EFTmovescouplesfromnegativetopositivecyclesofinteraction

• Goal:helpcouplesdeescalatenegativepatternsandstructurenewinteractionsthatshapesecureattachment

• Movefromrepetitiveconstrictedcyclesto
flexibleandattunedresponses

Thenegativecycle

W:Doyouloveme?(accusingtone)

H:OfcourseIdo.HowmanytimeshaveItoldyou?

W:Wellitdoesn’tfeellikeit(tears,turnsaway)

H:(exasperated)Wellmaybeyouhaveaproblemthen.
Ican’thelpitifyoudon’tfeelloved(Setmouth,
lecturingtone)

(continued)

Thenegativecycle(cont’d)

W:Right.Soit’smyproblemisit?Nothingtodowith 
yourthickwalls.You’reanemotionalcripple.
You’veneverfeltarealemotioninyourlife!H:Irefusetotalkwithyouwhenyougetlikethis!So
irrational.W:Right.Thisiswhatalwayshappens.Youputupa
wall.ThenwhenyouwantsexyoudecideIamnot
sobadafterall.H:There’sjustnopointtalkingtoyou.Thisisa
shootinggallery.You’resoaggressive.

Thepositivecycle

W:Doyouloveme?(accusingtone)H:OfcourseIdo.
W:Wellitdoesn’tfeellikeit(tearsupandturns
away)H:Wait…honey…what’sup?Idon’tgetit…isit
becauseIhavetobeawayagainnextweek?Ican’thelpthatIhavetoworksomuch.W:No,it’snotthat.Yousaidyouwould
callaftermyappointment,andyoudidn’t. 
Andyoudidn’tevenaskmeaboutitwhen
yougothome….

Thepositivecycle(cont’d)

H:Oh,no!…sowhenIdidn’tcallatnoon,andthen 
Ididn’taskyouaboutittonight,youfeltpretty
badly(thinking)…likebefore,right?W:(Nods,moretears,thistimeturningtoward 
husbandforcomfort)H:Igetit…Igetit…canwesitdownnow?Ididget 
caughtupinthingstoday,butIreallydowantto
knowwhathappened.Canyoutellmenow? 
Willyouletmemakethingsright?

Themarkerofapositivecycle

• Eachpersonisfreetoexpressemotionalneeds• Eachpersoncanrespondtotheother’sfears• Whenpartnersinasecurelyattachedrelationshipslipintoanegativecycletheycanidentifythattheymissedeachotherand

repair

Goodenoughresponding

1. Attunementfeelsgood/markedbypositiveaffect

2. Disruptionfeelsbad/markedbynegativeaffect.leadingtodisconnection

3. Repairisbridgebacktofeelinggoodandan
opportunitytoemergeintothenew,positive
feelings

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Neuroscience• Muchofourbrainrunsonautomaticity

• Theupsideisthatourhigherbraintakesalotofenergytorunsoitisefficienttohavemuchthatrunsoutsideofawareness

• Thedownsideisthatmuchofouremotionallivesfunctiononautomaticpilotandthisget
usintotrouble

Neuroscience(cont’d):• Withautomaticityemotionscanoverrunourthoughts,ourleftbraincanbehijackedbymoreprimitiveresponses

• Doingthesameoldsameoldmakesthecyclemoreentrenchedanddoesn’tallowfornewexperiencesandnewemotionstoemergeortobenoticedwhentheyoccur

• Ourbrainsare“velcroforthebadandteflonforthegood”(Hanson)

Wearenotasindependentaswemightthink

• Weareconstantlyshapingaswellasbeingshapedbyourinteractions

ProtestPolkaExerciseWhenyou________________________________(specificconcretecue),Ido 


notfeelsafelyconnectedtoyou.Itendtothen____________________(action 


word).Idothiswiththehopethat____________________________________.

Whenitdoesn’twork,Idecidethat____________________________________

____________________________(namecatastrophic 


conclusion).

IrealizethatthemoreI___________________________________

themoreyouseemto________________________________.Thenweare

moreandmorecutofffromeachother.

ProtestPolkaExercise(cont’d)

Whenthishappens,wecouldhelpeachotherby____________________________________________________.

Disconnectionsareinevitableinallrelationships

Neuroplasticity:thecapacitytocreatenewneuralconnections

• “Thepowertodirectourattentionhasthepowertoshapethebrain’spatternsaswellas…thearchitectureofthebrainitself”–DanSiegel,2010

• Therapycreatestheopportunityforchoicevs.automaticity

NeuroplasticityisPromoted

• focusedattention 


• novelty

• emotionalarousal:thebrainis“litup”with
newexperiencesassociatedwith 
pleasure/reward(dopaminerelease)

• newexperiencesmustberepeated

• ChangeinEFTcomesnot(only)fromareprocessingofinneremotionalexperience,butfromnewdialoguesthatariseasaresultofthisnewexperience.
(Johnson,1996)

Thenegativecycleofinteraction

• Itistherarecouplewhocomestotreatmentidentifyingthedynamicsintheirrelationshipastheproblem

• Mostpartnerslocatetheproblemintheirpartner

• Itisourjobtoreframeaproblemsteepedinblameanddefinedasaproblematicperson 
(a“coldfish”ora“brickwall”)toarelationalproblemthatexistsbetweenthem

VideotapeExamples• Consultation• Canyoudiscovertheircycle?Whowithdraws,andwhopursues?

• Seeifyoucanfindoneormoreoftheseasyouwatch:thetrigger,thefeltresponse,themeaning,andtheactiontendency

CaseExample

• Howdidthetherapy:
2)Touchtheunderlyingemotions?
3)Helppartnerssharenewemotional
experienceswitheachother?

OrganizingtheEFTResponse

• Theclientswillmovethroughaseriesofstagesandsteps

• Thetherapistswillusethemovesofthe“EFTTango”toencouragethisprogression

3 Stages and 9 Steps of the EFT Map

1. Alliance and Assessment

2. Tracking the Cycle

3. Accessing Emotions

4. Reframing

the Problem 6. See and Accept

7. Ask and

Bond

5. Own and

Share

9. Consolidate

8. New

Solutions

Stage 1 Cycle De-escalation

Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond

Stage 3: Consolidation

CopyrightbyHeleneIgwebuike

Overview: EFT• StageOne:Coupleslearntoidentifyandteamup


againsttheircycle(De-escalationr)

• StageTwo:Theylearntorecognizeandsharetheir


needsandfears;fromthisdeeperplacetheyreach


forandreceivetheirpartner(bondingevents)

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EFTstagesandsteps

• StageOne:De-escalation 


1)Assessment 
2)Identifynegativecycle/attachmentissues3)Accessunderlyingprimaryemotions
4)Frameproblemasthecycleandthe
attachmentneeds/fears

EFTstagesandsteps(cont’d)

• StageTwo:Restructuringthebond


5)Accessprimaryneeds,fears,modelofself
6)Promoteacceptancebyother
7)Structureopenandresponsiveemotional
engagementBondingeventsofwithdrawerre-engagementand
pursuersoftening

EFTstagesandsteps(cont’d)

• StageThree:Consolidation 


8)Newpositions/cycles–enactnewstoriesof
problemsandrepair
9)Newsolutionstopragmaticissues

Whatpartdoyouplay?

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WhatpursuersdoPressure,complain,attack,pursue,protest,(anyresponseisbetterthannone)

WhatwithdrawersdoMoveaway,run,shutdown,freeze,spaceout,stayintheirheads,focusonfixing

Whatpursuerssay:I’mmorelonelythanwhenI'malone.Idon’tmatter.Myfeelingsgetdismissed.We’reroommates.Thereisnocloseness.Ismackhim,anythingtogetaresponse.I’mabandoned,left,deserted.

Whatwithdrawerssay:I’llnevermakeitwithher,can’tgetitright.I’mnogood,afailureandinadequate.Igointomyshell,behindmywall.Don’trocktheboat.IfIopenupitwillgetworse

ImportanttoUnderstand 


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EmotionallyShuttingDown:

•Adaptivefordangerous/competitiveenvironmentsthatdemandcognitivefocusontasks

•Valuedbypeers,context

•Valuessuchastoughness,taskorientation,logic,fearlessness,confidence,andperseverancebecomemeasuresforsuccess

•.Easiertobeindependent

Protesting/Pursuing:

•Spendmoretimetalking=morepracticeatcommunicatingandexpressingfeelings

•Confrontingproblemsisreachingforconnection;oftenmoreattunedtorelationshipissues

•Easiertobedependent,partofteam-sharinglonging

•Moremotivationtogoforward-•Power/controlingoingforward

Thenegativecycle(cont’d)

• Weslowthemdown• Stayclosetotheirstoriesandtheirreactiveemotions

• Tracktheinternaldistressandtheexternalbehaviors

• Notethecue,therapidappraisal/perception,themeaningandtheactiontendency

• Wedothesameforthepartner• Putthemtogetherandthatgivesusthecycle

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Interviewingforthenegativecycle:
CommonMistakes

• Whathappensifwelimitourinquirytotheirnegativedescriptionsofeachother?

• IfweelicitanegativedescriptionfromPartnerA,andthenelicitPartnerB’sresponsetothatnegativeportrayal,itwilloftensoundlikethis:

Negativecycle(cont’d):• Sandy:“HeneverlistenswhenIwanttotalk,atthefirstsignofmyupsethe’sonhiscomputer,nomatterwhat!”

• Therapist,toMorgan:“SowhatdoyoufeelaboutwhatSandyissaying?”

• Morgan:“IcannevergetitrightwithSandy,I’malwaysinthedoghouse.”

• Sandy:“That’sright,I’mtheonetoblameforeverything!”(dissolvingintears)


Negativecycle(cont’d):

• Ifeitherspouseisstillinacriticalmodebeforetheirpartner’sresponseiselicited,thetherapistwillhaveunintentionallyactivatedthecycle

• Sometherapistswillconcludethatthecouple“isnotready”forcouplestherapy

NegativeCycle,Take2

• Ifwelookattheeffectofthenegativeemotionbeforecrossingovertothepartner,webegintoaddnewinformation

• Weaddcoherenceandclaritywithoutblame

• wearestartingtohelpthecoupleseetheircycleatanewlevel

Negativecycle,take2(cont’d):

• Sandy:“HeneverlistenswhenIwanttotalk,atthefirstsignofmyupsethe’sonhiscomputer,nomatterwhat!”

• TherapisttoSandy:“HowdoyoufeelwhenyouhavethatexperiencethatMorganisnotpayingattentiontoyou?”(exploringtheemotionalimpactofherperceivedexperience)

Take2,(cont’d):

• Sandy:”IfeellikeIdon’tmatter,andIgetsoangry.”• Therapist(toSandy):“Andhowdoesthisfeelingunimportant,andyouranger,showitselftoyourpartner?”

• Sandy:“Ijustshakemyhead,andthenIsaysomethingbitingtohim.”

• Therapist(toMorgan):“WhenSandyshakestheirheadandsayssomethingbiting,whathappensinsideyou?”

Take2,(cont’d):

• Bygettingeachperson’sinternalexperienceandcrossingoverwiththeiractiontendency,criticismisreduced,theinternalexperiencesbegintoemerge,andthecycleisbeginningtocometolife

NegativeCycle,Take3

• InStage1webegintodistilltheunderlying
emotionsofeachpartnerandhowitshapestheirinteraction

• ThisbeginstolaythegroundworkforStage2wheneachpersonwillsharetheirdeeperemotionswiththeirpartner

Take3,(cont’d):

• Sandy:“HeneverlistenswhenIwanttotalk,atthefirstsignofmyupsethe’sonhiscomputer,nomatterwhat!”

• Therapist:“Howdoesthatfeelwhenyourexperienceisthatyourpartnerisnotpayingattentiontoyou?”

Take3,(cont’d):

• Sandy:”IfeellikeIdon’tmatter,andIgetsoangry.”

• Therapist:“Iunderstandyoufeelthatyoudon’tmatter,andyougetangry;canyouletmeinalittlemoretothatanger?”

• Sandy(softernow):”Ifeelsoalone,asifI’velosthim,andI’mfrightened.”

• Therapist:”SowhatMorganseesandhearsisyouranger,butunderneaththisisso

Take3(cont’d):

• painful,thatyoucouldlosethepersonyouwantsomuchinthisworld,thatyouareactuallyquitefrightened,amIgettingit?”

• Sandy:“Yes!”• Therapist(toMorgan):“MayIaskyouaboutthis?WhathappenswhenSandyletsyouintoherinnerworld,whenshetellsyouthatunderneaththisangershe’sfeelingsmall,soafraidthatshecouldloseyou?” 


Identifyingemotionsthatfuelthecycle

• Whenpartnersdonotexperiencetheirrelationshipassecure,theemotions“leak”–buttheydoso“incode”

• Whataclientmaymeanisthat“Iammissingyouterriblyandneedyousomuchrightnow”;whattheymaysayis,“IknewIcouldn’tcountonyou,”or“fine,worklate,stayoutallnightforthatmatter,whywouldIcare?”

Identifyingunderlyingemotions

• Becausethesemessagesareincode,theyinadvertentlytriggerresponsesthatfurtheractivatethenegativecycle

• TheEFTtherapisthelpsthepartnersidentify,andthendeliver,thoseallimportantmessagesfreeofcode

Essentialgoalsindealingwithemotion

• Therapisthelpspartnersaccessprimaryemotionsthataretypicallyoutsideawarenessofeachpartner(rightbrain)

• Therapisthelpscoupleexpandtheirunderstandingoftheproblemasarecurringcycleinfluencedbyeachpartner’sattachmentneedsintherelationship(leftbrain)

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EFTInterventions

• Manyinterventionshelpaccessordeepenemotions

• Otherinterventionstrackcurrentpatternsandchoreographnewstepsofattunementinthecouplesrelationship

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Empathicreflection

• Beinclient’sexperience• Trackandreflectthepoignantemotion• Directandfocusattentioninward• Conveyunderstanding• Alsoservestohitthepausebuttonandallowtherapisttolistentoherexperienceofclient

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Validate/normalize• Affirm - entitled to experience – nothing wrong with

it or with you

• Validate secondary emotion, need to protect self

• Differentiate experience from other’s intentions

• Antidote to anxiety and insecurity

• Validation is mutual gift that enables the therapist to try on client’s world and get alongside him/her

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Heighten

• Highlightingandintensifyingparticularresponses

• Repeat,re-enact,useimagery

• Bringsaparticularresponsefromthebackgroundintotheforegroundinordertoreorganizeexperienceandinteraction

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To heighten emotional experience

• Repeat • Images - use • Simple words • Slow pace • Soft voice • Client’s words

• What if we added another S? “Show yourself”

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Empathicconjecture

• Interpretations,inferences,disquisitions

• Guidedbythetherapist’sunderstandingofattachmentconcerns

• Offeredtentatively

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Thesourceofconjectures

• Arisesfromtherapist’sempathicimmersionintheclient’sexperience


• Guidedbyattachmenttheory


• Basedontherapist’sknowledgeofattachmentprocessesincouple’srelationship

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Thereframe

• Understandingtheimplicit“connection-seekingintent”inthedestructivebehaviorsofthenegativecycleenablesthetherapisttoseetheirdistressthroughtheattachmentlens

• Thenegativecycleisrigidlymaintainedbyeachpartner’swayofmanagingthedisconnection,whilesearchingforconnectionandcloseness

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Enactments

• InEFTclientshaveanewexperienceoftheirrelationshiprighthere,rightnowinthetherapyroom

• Therapistschoreographachangeeventbyaskingclienttomakecontactwiththepartner,andthenprocesstheexperience

Enactments(cont’d)• Bridgetheinnerworldofexperienceandtheouterworldofinteraction

• Createmomentsofemotionallysignificantinteraction

• Turnnewemotionalexperiencesintoanewresponsetothepartner

• Solidifyordeepenanewemotionalawareness

Whydoenactments?

• Toheightenemotion

• peopleexperiencetheiremotionwithgreaterintensitywhentheylookandspeakdirectlytotheirpartner

• Topromotesupportandcomfortoftheother

• Tofacilitatedirectexpressionofneeds

• Tocreateabondingevent

Enactments

• Arebestwhenthey:areusedthroughouttreatment;usetheliveemotionintheroom;areframedasasmallandsimpledirect
requests

Processeachpartner’sexperience

• Whatwasitliketosharethiswithyourpartner?“Whatwasitliketolookintohiseyesandtellhim
howscaredyouwere?”

• Whatwasitliketohearthisfromyourpartner?“Canyoutellherthatyouneverunderstoodshe
wasafraid?”

• Validatereactions,facilitateacceptance,consolidatenewexperience

Challengeswithenactments

• Theymakeclientsanxious“Shejustheardmesaythattoyou”;
“thereisnopoint”;“Icantellyou,butIcouldnevertellhim”

• TheymaketherapistsanxiousItseems“hokey” 
Itcanfeellikelosingcontrolofthesession
Itcouldblowup

Whathelpsthetherapist“taketheleap”?

• Rememberthatclientsareonestepclosertowardhealingbyconfrontingtheirfearsvs.avoidingthem

• Clientswillnolongerbealone,ifpartnerisnotreadytorespond,thetherapistwill

• Therearenofailedenactments;partnerscaneitherberesponsivetoeachotherorweidentifytheblockandprocesstheblock

Watchthistapeinteams

• Seeifyoucanidentifythecycle

• Whatarethetriggersforeachclient?

• Canyoubegintosuggestpossibleemotions,meanings,andactiontendenciesforeachclient?

RolePlay

• Roleplayandseeifyoucaninterviewforthenegativecycleofinteraction

• Seeifyoucangettheactiontendency

• Reflectandvalidatethesecondaryemotions

• Touchtheprimaryfeelings

Aquickreview…

• Thelossofsecureemotionalconnectionisthecoreproblemindistressedrelationships

• Distresssignalsaresent,buttheyareincode,fosteringnegativecyclesofinteractionthatreflectandperpetuatethedistance

• Thesepatternsexacerbateasenseofisolationandvulnerabilityineachpartner

Review(cont’d)

• EFThelpspartnersseetheircycleanddecodetheirmessages

• Newbondingexperiencestransformtherelationshipassecure

• Partnerswhoareabletoreachforandconnectwitheachothercreateahealthyinterdependencythatfostersautonomy

Onapersonalnote…

“There’ssomethingdifferentaboutEFT…I’mnotjustthinkingaboutmycases;it’sme,andmymarriage,andthepartsofitthatarenotperfectthatcometomind.”

--anEFTtrainee

Suggestedreadings

• BecominganEmotionallyFocusedCoupleTherapist:TheWorkbook(2005),S.M.Johnson,B.Bradley,J.Furrow,A.Lee,G.Palmer,D.Tilley&S.Woolley

• HoldMeTight:SevenConversationsforaLifetimeOfLove(2008),SusanM.Johnson

• AttachmentTheoryinPractice,EFTwithIndividuals,Couples,andFamilies(2019),SusanM.Johnson

Elana Katz, LCSW 
Certified EFT Supervisor and Trainer Senior Faculty, Ackerman Institute 936 Broadway, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 10010
212-879-4900, x112 


elanakatz@gmail.comwww.iceeft.comwww.ackerman.org

mailto:elanakatz@gmail.comhttp://www.iceeft.com/