Moody 5th Set of Spots for Sept 4 2007

8/6/2019 Moody 5th Set of Spots for Sept 4 2007

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MOODY SPOTS _- SEPT 4

Distractionsoff! Attentionon!Full Physical Attention: How to ListenRadio Spot583 words

Jeff: Heres a question for the guys: Does your wife ever want to ask a questionor share something on her mind just as your team ties the game with fiveminutes to go? Now, even though your team needs you, you know your wifeneeds you, too. So you may try to focus on both things! But that really doesntwork so well. Because she doesnt feellistened to.

Shaunti: Through interviewing and surveying hundreds of women for our bookFor Men Only, we found that making a woman feel listened to is actually one ofthe most immediate ways a man can make his wife feel loved.

Jeff: Unfortunately for most of us guys, proper listening is a skill that does notcome pre-installed at the factory! We may think were being gurus of sympathy,but lets be honest with ourselves. We tell ourselves we can listen to our wifeandwatch the game or keep doing whatever it is were doing but deep down,its no surprise that that doesnt make her feel listened to.

There may be times this is very difficult for us to do, but real listening happenswhen you take your attention off of everything else and put it on her.

Shaunti: Let me give a recent example. Because I travel and speak on manyweekends, sometimes it is hard for Jeff and me to find time to catch up on things.

But this past Saturday morning I was at home, and savoring the chance to just sitat the kitchen table with Jeff and drink our coffee. Jeff was engrossed in abusiness magazine, but there were some things I really needed to discuss withhim. And to top it all off, the kids kept interrupting.

After a few distracted minutes, Jeff looked up at me, closed his magazine, andset it aside. Then he told the kids to go play in the other room and not interrupt.It only took a few minutes for me to share what was on my mind, but it had a bigemotional impact because I saw that Jeff was willing to decisively give me his fullphysical attention.

Jeff: To tell you the truth, I dont even remember doing this because it took solittle time and effort. But it was a great investment if she still remembers thisdays later.

Now, keeping it real, sometimes, your full physical attention isnt possible at thatexact moment. For example, I really have a hard time dragging my attentionaway when my favorite football team is in a close game. And you know what? Ithink it is OK for that sort of thing to be legitimately important to us as men. But

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at those times, instead of trying to do two things at once, you might try beinggently honest and say, I really wantto be able to listen to you, but I think I wouldbe pretty distracted and thats not fair to you. Would you be OK with talkingabout this in half an hour?

Shaunti: And guys, I actually do understand that it is sometimes a real sacrificeto take your attention off of something else and turn to face her. But it will beso worth it in making your wife feel loved. If you think about it, youll bemodeling exactly what God does for us: because it makes all of us feel so lovedthat we knowHes always willing to listen.

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Unmotivated Husband? Affirmation is KeyRadio Spot590 words

Shaunti: Whenever I speak in economically-challenged areas, Ill often have awoman come up to tell me the frustrations she has with her unmotivated

husband. For example, her spouse was laid off along with half the factory, andwhile he initially looked for work, she thinks hes progressively gotten lazier.And the more he sits on the couch and watches T.V., the less respect she has forhim.

While these frustrations are very understandable, very few women seem realizehow truly debilitating it is for a man to feel like he failed as a provider.

Jeff: For a man, providing financially for his family is a burden that constantlyweighs on us but it is also a huge part of our psyche, and critical to our senseof being alive and motivated as a man. In other words, a man just doesnt feel

like a man if he cant provide.

Shaunti: See ladies, in interviewing and surveying over 1,500 men for my bookFor Women Only, almost three out of four men said the need to provide wasalways or often on their minds. It is there, as a part ofwho they are. So facingfinancial problems almost guarantees that a man will feel like a failure.

If a man gets fired or laid off, and is in an area where finding a new job is difficult,with every day that passes that he hasnt been able to get his family back ontrack, he feels worse and worse about himself. When you think about it, it is nowonder he might get depressed and lethargic. You think finding a job is simplyan obstacle to overcome; but he sees his lack of ability to provide as confirmationthat hes a total failure. And understandably, feeling like an utter failure sapsanyones ability to be motivated.

Jeff: And unfortunately, women can unintentionally make things worse withoutrealizing it. For example, a man knows with every fiber of his being that hesfailed if you push and prod him to get motivated, or show him you have lostrespect, it will simply drive him deeper into this debilitating sense of failure. Anyfaith he had in himself will quickly fade.

Shaunti: This is why its so important to believe in his ability to solve the problem and tell him so. Its so important to encourage him and affirm him. To say,Sure, you didnt get that job, but they said they were probably looking for adifferent skill set anyway. Youre an excellent worker and someone will see thatsoon. Im beside you on this.

Jeff: But women should also realize that being supportive also means beingpractical, and willing to change your financial choices so he feels less pressure.When a man is already feeling like a bad provider, it is especially painful to feel

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like his wife is reminding him what sort of provision she expects, by bringinghome lots of shopping bags from the mall. It makes him feel, for example, likeshe would never be happy if he took a more family-friendly job with a lowerpaycheck even if thats actually not true!

Shaunti: The Bible talks about living in understanding with one another. Anddifficult financial seasons are probably one of the most important times toexercise understanding with your husband; to look beyond the surface of thisman who seems unmotivated, and realize that he is someone who deeplyneeds to know that he is not a failure and that you believe in him.

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Tell Harry What Sally Needs: Dont Expect Him to Read Your MindRadio Spot612 words

Shaunti: Our daughter loves the 1998 remake of the Disney movie The ParentTrap. In it, a long-divorced couple sees each other for the first time in 12 years

and realizes how much they still care about each other. When the man asks hisex-wife what really happened that day they separated, she basically answers,Well, I got on the plane and you didnt come after me. Theres a long pause,and he responds, I didnt know you wanted me to.

That one line encapsulates something that we women often simply dontunderstand about our men. We want them to know whats going on in our headsbut we dont tell them! We want them to sort of figure out why were angry or

just miraculously come up with our vision of the perfect romantic date withoutknowing what that vision is.

Jeff: Ladies, we want to be your hero we really do. But the fact is, sometimes,we simply have no idea what you want. Take romantic gestures, for example. Weget a bad rap for this, but enjoy romance, too. In Shauntis survey of men for herbook For Women Only, she found that more than eight of ten men want romanceas much as their wives do! Its not that we dont understand what romance is orhow to put together a romantic night, and its not that we think your birthday isunimportant! Sometimes, were either paralyzed or point-blank confused bywondering what on earth youwant.

Shaunti: Ladies, as much as we want men to, they simply cant read our minds. Icant tell you the number of men who begged me to tell women that they reallywished their wife would drop some hints about the romantic things shed like todo. Now, they have to truly be hints not directives, since pushing and proddingis the worstway to get your man to act but many guys say they would love atleast a few ideas of which direction to go.

Jeff: Some women feel it doesnt count if they have to give their man a hint.But that is a catch-22 for a guy! He cant read your mind, so he has to take a bigrisk and try something blind. But then if you dont seem to like it, it makes himmuch less willing to risk that humiliation in the future. So, honestly, ladies, its inyour best interest to be willing to share a few things as long as your husband isone who wants to hear those ideas from you. Some men apparently do like theadventure of trying to figure what you want on their own. I dont know any ofthose men, but I have heard they exist. But formostof us, we would love agentle nudge in the right direction.

For example, when we first married, I would always get Shaunti elegant jewelryfor a Christmas or birthday present. She would thank me and say how beautifulit was but I noticed she rarely wore those pieces. Finally, she was willing to tellme that her jewelry style was more fun and modern shed much rather wear big

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bright-colored necklaces than elegant diamond studs. I was so thankfulthat Ifinally knew how to direct my efforts.

Shaunti: Ladies, I know we think our men should be able to read our minds, buthonestly that idea comes from science fiction or romance novels. Its not reality.

God has designed our men to want to be our hero lets give them a chance tobe one by letting them know how they can best please us.

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Happy Dad: YOUare the priorityRadio Spot583 words

Jeff: Guys, has your wife ever complained that you work too hard? Have therebeen times when she asked you to work less? You may have understood her

requestbut with $8,000 of credit card debt, private school tuition, and themortgage to pay, you knew that changing your work patterns wasnt a viableoption. And even if money wasnt tight, you and your wife probably enjoyed acertain standard of living, which neither of you would have realistically wanted togive up.

Shaunti: It can often seem like a catch 22 because youre putting in the longhours and working hard so that you can provide for your family. In your eyes, thelong work hours are a reflection of your dedication to keeping your family secure.But in your wifes eyes, the demanding work schedule may actually be doing justthe opposite. Often, if a woman feels like her husband is sacrificing family time

for work, she feels more insecure than secure.

Jeff: Its hard to fully grasp, but we found that, for women, security is not exactlysimple. For us guys, when we think of security, we probably think about plenty ofmoney in the bank and a comfortable lifestyle. Right? Well, I found out its a littlebit more complex for women. In fact, through interviews and surveys of hundredsof women for the book For Men Only, we discovered that security is not astraightforward term. In fact, we found a clear distinction between financialsecurity and emotional security. While your wife may be completely securefinancially, feeling distant and disconnected can lead her towards emotionalinsecurity.

Shaunti: And for a woman, this is not a happy place to be. In fact, the researchreveals that 70% of women would prefer to endure financial struggles overfeeling emotionally distant and insecure in their relationship.

Jeff: So, when she seems to be nagging you to work less, there is actually adeeper message embedded in her complaintone that is quite flattering. Let metranslate. Even more important than the savings account and type of house youlive in, she craves relationship with you.

Shaunti: She wants to know shes loved and close to youwhich, surprisingthough this may be to many men, you cant prove by slaving away at workevenif youre doing it for her! Be encouraged. We found that youare more importantto her than paychecks, cars, that really cute pair of shoes she just bought, andother financial comforts.

Jeff: Guys, youll want to hear this, too. The most flattering and encouragingthing we discovered is that most of the women wanted their husband to work lessso that he could enjoy life more.

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Shaunti: So, even though women tend to desire closeness and emotionalsecurity, the most important thing is that their men are happy and fulfilled. Infact, when given the choice, 70% of the women surveyed said theyd rather theirhusband take a lower-paying job that would require financial sacrifices if it

allowed more family time. And the figure jumped to 89% if she felt youwanted tomake that choice. We couldnt find one woman that wanted her husband to takea job that left him unfulfilled or unhappy in his work life.

Jeff: So, next time the next time your wife tries to persuade you to work less, tryto take it as a compliment, not a criticism. See that what shes really asking foris YOU!

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Dont Catch Me If You CanFeeling Like an Imposter at Work and HomeRadio Spot567 words

Shaunti: Back in the 1940s and 50s, there was a man who, throughout hislifetime, was a lawyer, a civil engineer, a cancer researcher, a sheriffs deputy, a

doctor of applied psychology, a surgeon, a child-care expert, a Benedictinemonk, among other careersbut, you get the idea. He did a lot in his life andseemed to be pretty accomplished, right?

Well, its not as impressive as you think. The man Im talking about is FerdinandWaldo Demara, who is also known as the Great Imposter. Without training orcredentials, Demara masqueraded in these careers pretending to know what hewas doing. And you know what? A lot of people believed him. But even thoughmany were fooled, one person knew the truth. Demara knew he was animposter. And everyday he probably worried about being found out.

Jeff: But, its not just actual imposters like Demara that fear being found out.What a lot of women may not realize is that their husband or boyfriend may feelthat exact same feeling on a daily basis.

Shaunti: Ladies, its true: through interviews and surveys of over 1,500 men forthe book, For Women Only, I found that seven out of ten men admitted feelinginsecure about how others viewed them, whether or not they looked quiteconfident on the outside.

Jeff: Many men fight a deep inner uncertainty about whether they are doing agood job -- even if they have all the necessary degrees and training. Or, evenmore likely, they fight the uncomfortable feeling that they really have no idea howto be a good husband or father. This uncertainty can leave even the mostseemingly-confident man dreading the moment when he will be exposedandthat people will find out that hes just totally faking it.

Shaunti: And so even while questioning his own abilities, he will try to put on agood front to prove to others that he is competent, because its incrediblyhumiliating and anxiety producing for a guy to think that his boss or co-workerdoesnt believe he is capable.

Jeff: Well, and it is even more anxiety-producing to feel like we are one mess-upaway from being found out. And what women may not realize is that althoughthis insecurity takes a toll at work, men often feel like imposters at home as well.This self-doubt doesnt suddenly disappear once we have left the office. Often,we men question our ability to be a good husband or dad, and feel like werebluffing our way through the being-a-husband thing.

Shaunti: Ladies, this is where we come in. Our words and actions can play amajor role in positively affirming our men. This will help him feel more secure in

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a world that feels ready to pounce and rip away his mask. Everyone needsaffirmation, and it is very important to men even when it doesnt look like it.Proverbs 27 says we should not praise ourselves, but let others do it. But thatmeans we have to do it! What an honor for us as women to have such atremendous role to play in building up the man in our lives. As you remember to

affirm the man God has given you, and make home a safe place and a havenfrom the buffeting of the world, the wonderful results will be their own bestincentive to continue.

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Working Together in PeaceRadio Spot -- 643 words

Shaunti: It is interesting that the Bible talks so much about learning to live andwork together in peace. And that that is particularly important in those cases

where a husband and wife are not only living together but working together aswell! Over the years I have worked together with my husband in variouscapacities, and I have also seen other friends go that same route. Some havemade it work very well and others really havent.

Not long ago, I spoke at a womens event, and during the Question and Answertime I was struck by one womans question. She seemed like a strong, confidentpersonality as she explained that her husband had asked her to come work withhim in his business, and she was starting in just a few days. She asked me,What can I do to make sure this works and I dont mess this up? Whats the onepiece of advice you can give me for how I should approach my husband, now

that he is not just my husband but my co-worker and boss?

She appeared to be a confident, assertive professional woman and yet she wasvery cautious about this new direction. And in my opinion, she was wise:because she has reason to be cautious. Many women may think working withtheir husband is a dream come true -- and it can be! But the key is to thinkahead ofhowbest to make it a dream instead of a nightmare.

See, I, too, have a strong, assertive personality and I too have had experienceof working with my husband in his business. And as I told this woman that day,there are two critical things to remember: First, realize the context of just howmuch your husband needs to feel respected by you, and how easy it is for him tofeel disrespected, without you ever intending it.

And that is the reason for the one most practical piece of advice I could give her and to anyone else in that same situation: to think about every single thingthatyou say to him, before you say it. Especially during the first few months whileyou are in the process of learning how to work together.

In our personal lives, husbands can already misunderstand very benigncomments from a wife as disrespect, and see disrespect where she really didntintend it. In my own experience and my interviews with men who worked withtheir wives -- that dynamic is magnified tenfold when you are actually workingtogether.

For example, many men have told me that they would think about a decision andrelay it to their team including their wife. But she would often innocently ask,well, what about doing it this way? As a woman, we often throw out questionssince we tend to process things verbally. But guys process internally, so by thetime he says his decision, hes probably thought extensively about the subject.

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So when you throw out a simple question, your husband may see youquestioning his judgment not just as a husband, but as a co-worker or boss.

This is why the most practical advice I can give is to get in the habit of catchingyourself before you say anything and mentally reviewing it under the lens of how

will he take this? That is important in any husband-wife relationship anywaybut imperative in one where the financial health of the family depends onhusband and wife being able to work together well.

Proverbs says that a prudent person sees when there is possible trouble aheadand takes precautions to weather it. If you and your husband work together orare thinking about it think in advance about how you will handle it. So that youdo have that household and workplace of peace.

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FPO Radio Spot - Freedom(590 words)

Shaunti: One of the key ingredients for a happy, successful marriage is peace inthe home the assurance that all is well with the relationships in the family. In

particular, as parents, we really need the sense that our kids are on the righttrack in life but once kids hit the pre-teen and teenage years, many parentsbegin to see some seemingly irrational words and actions from them andsuddenly that coveted peace is severely challenged. To talk more about this, Imgoing to bring in Lisa, my co-author on For Parents Only: Getting Inside theHead of Your Kid, a youth speaker who has four teenagers herself. Welcome,Lisa.

Lisa: Thanks, Shaunti. You know, if youre trying to parent an adolescent orteen, you may have heard things like this: You cant take my cell phone away;its mine! Or, An 11:00 curfew? Youre ruining my life! Many couples assume

that these highly dramatic, illogical statements mean that their kid has somerebellion issues to deal with, but we were surprised to find that theres often adifferent culprit.

Shaunti: In our national scientific survey of teenagers for For Parents Only, wefound that the thing thats motivating our kids far more than us parents or theirpeers is freedom! Freedom is like cocaine to a teenager. Its intoxicating, itsaddictive, theyll do anything to get it, and theyre terrified of losing it.

Lisa: The scary thing for parents is that, under this addictive influence, kids willoften do stupid or deceptive things in order to keep their freedoms rolling. And

our kids are not only addicted, theyre brain-deficient! The frontal lobe of thebrain the area that allows judgment of consequences and control of impulses doesnt fully develop until afterthe teen years! So, teen brains rely more on thecenters that control emotion, which means they become more impulsive!

Shaunti: Okay, as a mother of young kids, this information honestly makes mewant to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head or lock the kids in thebasement until theyre 25. But I see that millions of kids and parents somehowmake it through this stage, so there has to be hope.

Lisa: We looked to the kids themselves for some advice. The first thing they

said was they want their parents to try to put themselves in their shoes. Forexample, think about this: how would you feel if your boss didnt like your workand took away your Internet for a week? Ew!

Shaunti: It is also important to understand what freedoms are most important toyourchild and to choose discipline options keeping their key fear triggers inmind. For example, one child might view her cell phone as her lifeline to theworld, and another, the use of the car might be a far more critical tool of

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independence. We usually have multiple discipline options to choose from forany given infraction, and if we dont understand their key freedoms, we couldchoose an approach that we might view as no big deal but that our child viewsas the nuclear bomb of discipline. Sometimes, of course, the nuclear bombof losing coveted freedoms is needed but at least we should know that that is

what were doing!

Lisa: It has been said that peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability tocope with it. May your marriage be blessed with the peace of God this week asyou learn deal with conflict in His wisdom.

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#2 Identity(627 words)

Shaunti: One of the most mystifying stages that a husband and wife can go

through begins when their child hits in middle school. Couples often hear thingslike, Uh, Mom, not to hurt your feelings or anything, but dont go clothesshopping for me anymore, okay? Just drop me at the mall with some money.Often we think, Whats wrong? Why dont the kids want to be with us or looklike us anymore? Well, in most cases, theres nothing wrong! Our kids haveto go through a developmental identity-seeking stage to become a healthy adult.Today, Ive brought in Lisa Rice, my co-author on For Parents Only: GettingInside the Head of Your Kid, and a parent to four teenagers, to talk more aboutthis. Lisa, have you seen it?

Lisa: Have I seen it? Im living it! My husband and I want to be good parents,

but we seem to be chasing after the elusive close relationship we rememberhaving with our little ones. But so much happens in these few short years! Weknow our kids need to find their own identity and build their own castle as weput it -- but theres a problem. The only building blocks they have to build with areours, because our identity is the only one theyve ever known! So if they want tomake something their own they have to question everything. Its like theysuddenly pull apart every value, opinion and taste that weve used to build ourcastles and question whether or not they want it to be part of theircastle. Thiscan be scary for a parent.

Shaunti: Since Ive got younger kids who still love nothing more than to dress

like me, its scary just to hearthis! But in our research of more than 1,200 teensfor our book, we found out that its not just the parents who are scared. Despitethe barbs, the lippy-ness, and the pulling away, theres usually a rather insecurekid inside, desperately trying to figure out who he is.

Lisa: Let me give an example. One of my daughters was frustrated one day andsaid, I dont feel like Im the best at anything Not my sport, my music, my job,or my grades. Its like I dont have anything thats clearly me! So I sharedsomething Id once heard from Mike Bickle. I drew a diagram a little circlesurrounded by a bigger one. I labeled the various places around the outer circlewith words like appearance, talents, friends, grades, and so on, and then asked

her to mark the areas that were bothering her.

I said, The labels in this outer ring are where many people look for their identity.But if so, God will allow pain in those areas to push us to this center circle, whichis our core identity: that we are lovers of God, beloved of God, and we abide inthe heart of a God who adores us. If we try to base our identity on any of theseother aspects, well become frustrated. But well find contentment when we focuson our real identity. My daughter said, Wow, thats exactly what I needed.

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Shaunti: During these years when our kids try to figure out who they are it isimperative for us to point them to their identity as lovers of God. But it is alsoimportant to realize that as much as we want to, we cant push that building blockinto their castle. Instead, we need to answer their questions about it, and letthem work through it instead of getting defensive. Which will make it much more

likely that they will want to involve us in the process for years to come.

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#3 Taking Charge(593 words)

Shaunti: One of the things that many husbands and wives argue about is how

strict to be with their kids. Weve all seen the different types of parents: Theresthe super-permissive one who lets the kids walk all over her or, the super-strictparent who wont let his child utter a peep or take any risks at all. And thentheres most of us in the middle, just trying to figure out what to do! To figure outwhat the kids need most, Im bringing in Lisa Rice on this conversation, a mom offour teenagers and my co-author on For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Headof Your kid. Lisa, lets talk a little about what we found in our research.

Lisa: What we ended up doing was asking hundreds of kids themselves whatkind of parent they most needed. Now, you might think that was a crazy thing todo, but we found the kids actually had a lot of wisdom on this when they were

able to be anonymous and tell us things they would never admit to theirparents. On a national scientific survey, we asked the kids whether they wouldrather have their parents enforce the rules, stay on top of who they were hangingout with, and ensure that they do their homework OR would they rather have aparent who didnthassle them about those things and let them pretty much dowhat they wanted. We were amazed to see that three out of four kids secretlywanted the take charge parent.

Shaunti: It turns out that as long as a husband and wife arent exerting authorityin order to show whos boss, but are helping kids develop their own capacity forresponsibility, the kids agree with the parenting books about the need for parents

to take charge and be the parent, not just the friend.

Lisa: Weve seen so many couples actually having marriage problems becauseone parent is the lenient, permissive one, and the other is more authoritarian. Itcan really cause some relational tension! But were finding that there really is abalance here. Its the loving and firm parent whose hearts are clearly for thegood of the children but who arent afraid to take the directors chair and run theshow.

Shaunti: Throughout the Bible God speaks of the importance of parents whotake their responsibilities seriously. In the first few chapters of 1st Samuel the

Bible speaks of a priest named Eli and his sons, Hophni and Phineas. Thesesons were wicked in the sight of God, disobeying their father Eli, and the Lord.The Bible says they were worthless men who would not listen to the voice of theirfather, and they did not know the Lord. The sobering part is that God punishedElis house for the sins of the sons because Eli did not restrain them.

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Eli knew his sons were disobeying the Lord, yet he did not stop them from theirsin. Parents have a very important responsibility to discipline their children toteach them to obey God, parents, and governing authorities.

Lisa: The New Testament has a lot to say about parenting, too. Ephesians 6:4

states: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in thediscipline and instruction of the Lord."

Shaunti: Its really crucial that we not become lazy and complacent; but that wetake seriously this awesome responsibility of parenting that we become thoseloving and firm, always consistent parents who will be a blessing to futuregenerations.

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#4 Security

(588 words)

Shaunti: One of my favorite stories in the Bible is one Jesus tells about theyoung man who took his fathers inheritance and squandered it in riotous living.When he tried to come back home, amazingly, his father ran to meet thewayward son, placing his robe around the boys shoulders and throwing him abig party. What kind of response is that? (Pause) As I do marriage conferencesaround the country, a common tension that I hear is that a husband and wifehave tension over parenting styles especially how to respond when Junior doessomething very very wrong. But I believe the Prodigal Son story gives us Godsheart as a model. To help dig into, Im bringing in Lisa Rice on the conversation;shes the mother or foster mom of four very active teenagers and my co-authoron For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid.

Lisa: As we were doing our research with hundreds of teens around the country,we found some eye-opening truths about a kids need for unconditional love andacceptance especiallywhen they mess up. Heres the bottom line: Althoughthey may not look like it, kids want the security of knowing we are making theeffort to understand them and will be there for them but kids will emotionallyshut out a parent they see as judgmental. And when we look at the Prodigal Sonstory, there wasnt even a hint of judgmentalism in the father, was there? I canthelp but wonder how Id do as a parent in the same situation. Certainly Id wantto inform my returning son of my disappointment in his behavior, and Id want togive him, at a minimum, a good talking to. Right?

Shaunti: You know, it is so hard for us as parents to do this, but sometimes wehave to be willing to let our kids make their own mistakes. God doesnt want ourkids to go astray, but sometimes all of us have found that the mistakes we makein our lives brings a maturity we wouldnt have had otherwise. But God alsowelcomes us back with open arms, and after talking to all these hurting kids, Irealize that parents need to do the same. When they rebel or fail, they arealready very disappointed in themselves; instead of disappointment and shamefrom us, they need understanding, unconditional love, and security.

Lisa: And if they dont feel that security, theres a sad consequence. Two-thirds

of the kids said that, after a while, they would stop sharing their feelings with ahurtful or judgmental parent. But otherwise they wantto talk to us. They want tobe able to share their mistakes and get advice. The key for us is showing ourchild that were available and interested not just when there is a problem, but inthe day-to-day stuff of his life. Ask him one good question a day, truly listen tothe answer, and respond without judgment or harshness. And if he does messup, theres already a trust and rapport there that will help you work through ittogether.

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Shaunti: In telling the story of the prodigal son, Jesus wanted his listeners toknow that God as his father is loving and forgiving, and that he pursues eachone of us. We need to do the same for our children. Yes, there areconsequences but they need to know that we will walk through thoseconsequences with them, and show we love them, regardless.

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#5 Listening

(548 words)

Shaunti: Picture this scenario: Your daughter stomps in the door after school,steaming mad about being excluded from something and being embarrassed infront of her friends. She doesnt share her innermost thoughts anymore, soyoure glad to have a chance to listen as she vents for a while. When yourefinally able to get a word in edgewise, you say, Well, would it help to do such-and-such? She glares at you, mutters, You never listen to me, then stalks offto text message a friend. Youre left speechless, wondering what she thought youwere doing for the last 15 minutes! Im speaking today about listening, and hereto help me sort this out is my co-author of For Parents Only, Lisa Rice. Lisa,whats the big issue here?

Lisa: In our teen interviews, the kids number one complaint about their parentswas, They dont listen. We tried to stifle our snorts about the irony, since thatsusually our line about them! The great news is that our kids actually want to talkto us, but the reason they dont is that, in their experience, we are simply rottenlisteners.

Shaunti: Well, if its not simply time with our kid, then whats the teen translationdefinition of good parental listening?

Lisa: For our kids, listening means hearing and acknowledging what they arefeelingabout a problem, first and foremost. This was the same thing you and

Jeff told men about their wives in For Men Onlyafter your research showed thatmost women need to have their feelings heard before they will be interested inworking on a solution. Who knew it would be just as important for a teen?

Shaunti: Weve established that teens are giant, quivering balls of emotion, andwhen they see that a parents emotion is just as high as theirs, its scary. Or, if aparent seems to have made up his mind before hearing a kid out, a kid will clamup. Some kids told us that their parents care more about enforcing the rules thanbuilding a relationship. If your child doesnt feel safe talking to you, or that herfeelings are acknowledged and affirmed in a conflict, the communication door willbe shut.

Lisa: The good news is that it doesnt have to stay shut forever. Even fathers,who are known for their fight or flight, all or nothing responses, can learn to notfilter out a daughters emotion, but rather focus on it and affirm those feelings.Instead of yelling in her face, Youd better be nicer to your little brother! he cancalmly say, You know, Ill bet its hard to have a little brother who knows just howto irritate you, isnt it? I had a sister who could push all my buttons and make me

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furious. This will disarm the child and open the door for real dialogue not justout of control parental venting.

Shaunti: Its a parents responsibility to provide an oasis of calm in the midst of achilds emotional storms. Parents, we need to be calm even when our kids

arent. And if we can be, well find that the peace we all long for will extend notonly to our children, but to our marriages as well. God bless you this week asyou practice effective listening.

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#6 Attitude

(word count 551)

Shaunti: You ask your son to take out the trash, but instead of moving torespond, he stays seated, intently focused on rearranging the crumbs on hisplate. After your second, slightly testier request, he mutters, Fine, shoves backhis chair, and shoulders a bag of trash out to the garage, where you hear himslamming the lids on the garbage cans. When you ask him whats wrong, hegives you a sullen glare and retorts, Nothing. Give it a rest. For most parents,nothing raises our hackles so quickly as for our kids to cop an attitude with us.When we see rolled eyeballs or a hoity-toity posture, were tempted to knock theattitude down a peg or two. Should we give in to that temptation?

Lisa: Ah, probably not. As you and I found out in our research on For Parents

Only, Shaunti, these infuriating teen attitudes are often just the outward sign ofunderlying, secret fears and insecurities insecurities that stand between ourchildren and the confident adults they long to become. The big key for parents isunderstanding the different makeup of our sons and daughters and what theircore fears and needs are.

Shaunti: For example, a guy most fears being perceived as a failure, and hisgreatest need is to know that hes respected. Many boys are ultra sensitive tosigns that they are not believed in or respected, and many parents have no ideatheyre sending these signals. One guy said this: Recently I was sure I got a jobat a game store, but my mom said, You cant be too confident, you know. Keep

applying elsewhere, just to be safe. It made me mad that she didnt believe inme.

Lisa: I doubt that mom didnt believe in her son, but thats the message he washearing. Her simple comment was probably to protect her son, but he didnt wantto be protected. He wanted to fly and to have his mom believe he could. A boywhos feeling not believed in, or disrespected, will become angry, sullen, orwithdrawn. What about girls?

Shaunti: While a boy gains confidence by being recognized for his externalimpact and accomplishments, a girls confidence comes from being loved and

accepted because shes special inside. Thats why being liked is vitally importantto a girl; it assuages her secret fear that others will feel theres nothing worthy inher and reject her. The big signal a girl gives to show shes feeling insecure is notsullenness and anger as with a guy but rather lippiness, mouthing off. Haveyou seen it?

Lisa: Oh, yea! When parents especially fathers see the sarcasm or hearantagonistic comments, they easily conclude that a daughters tirade is rooted in

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disrespect or a desire to challenge authority. But often theres something deeper:a profound, internal longing for reassurance. This is when they need ouraffirmation most of all! A girl needs to hear how special she is; we cant assumeshe knows it!

Shaunti: You know, God has such an amazing plan for our childrens lives. ItsHis will that they grow up to have successful marriages and families, and its ourjob to steer them toward this success. God bless you as you commit toexpressing respect for your sons efforts and affirmation of your daughtersuniqueness.

Moody 5th Set of Spots for Sept 4 2007

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Transcript of Moody 5th Set of Spots for Sept 4 2007