www.6seconds.org Mindful Approach to Resilience: Seven Emotions That Really Do Matter

Cynthia Kivland, President and Author Director, Coaching Services Liautaud Institute Board Certified and ICF Coach Certifications www.smart2smarter.com www.liautaudinstitute.com

Open the Growth Pathways

Choose something to share with your group (from your purse, pocket, notebook, etc. ) that elicits a feeling of “JOY”.

Share a “two minute” story of “why” your object makes your smile.

What does it mean when you hear “Be Mindful?”

• Do Mindful Coaches Make Better Coaches?

Mindfulness is the energy that helps us recognize the conditions of happiness and possibilities that are present in our lives.

WHAT I PLAN TO SHARE TODAY

• Understand the connection between mindfulness, resilience and positive emotions

• Resilience from a Proactive (Hope) not Reactive Mindset (Fear):

• Seven positive emotions

• Mindful tools and activities to increase resilience in yourself and your clients

What Attracted You to this Program?

• Personal reasons

– Currently dealing with adversity or change

• Professional reasons

– to gain coaching skills and EQ tools

• Curiosity

• All of above

What is Most Important to Build a Resilient Mindset?

• PERSIST even when things are and are not happening just like you expected them to;

• NAVIGATE through uncertain and unpredictable times;

• TRANSCEND common problems and barriers; • Build emotional, social and lifestyle RESERVES to

thrive in the future.

Cynthia Kivland, author Smart2Smarter, 2010. Second edition , 2012.

Resilience Moments of Fear or Hope

What really matters is how to be mindful to the “moments of truth” that build resilience

in self and their clients.

Resilience Mindful Moments of Hope or Fear

What really matters is how to be mindful to the “moments of truth” that build resilience

in self and their clients.

MY ADVERSITY: LIFTED YOU UP AND MOVED YOU FORWARD

• Recall and reflect on an adversity that inspired a hopeful mindset. – What was present that allowed you to persist,

navigate, transcend and evolve.

• Jot down the essence of the adversity (a two minute movie). – The emotions I felt – The thoughts that kept me hopeful – The people who lifted me up – The possibilities that emerged

MY ADVERSITY

PULL YOU DOWN AND HELD YOU BACK • Recall and reflect on an adversity that led to a “fixed”

mindset. – What was present that kept you stuck- unable to persist,

navigate, transcend and evolve.

• Jot down the essence of the adversity (a two minute movie). – The emotions I felt – The thoughts that kept me up at night – The people who pulled me down – The problems that kept me stuck

MY ADVERSITY

Inquiry

• What was easier to remember?

• What movie was easier to see?

• What story was easier to “feel”?

Dweck and The Resilient Mindset Fixed (Fear) or Growth (Hope)

The Fixed (Fear) Path = Problems and Oh No response!

Avoid challenges and defend ourselves when we perceive danger.

Avoid obstacles and see them as something that gets in the way.

Sees effort as useless when no clear goal or reward is in sight.

Ignore feedback that doe not align with “one’s” stories.

Feels threatened by the success of others.

Amygdala records and recalls emotions that signal danger, such as anger or fear.

Stay “stuck” to defend/protect self by avoiding a perceived danger.

When one is in a “prolonged adversity or uncertainty”, the "danger radar level" increases.

We see the future as a problem and out of our control.

Dweck Mindset

Yes But Syndrome focus on past/future ( ain’t it awful) worries, fears, anger, and regrets.

The Yes But Syndrome settles for status quo Hesitant or resistant to overcome obstacles Disappearing or avoidance behaviors Procrastination, Mis matched priorities Believing one’s excuses to justify in action

Susan Whitcomb

The Fixed (Fear) Path = Yes, But

“PULL DOWN” EMOTIONS

ALL ABOUT THE FEAR OR LOSS

• Fear of Failing • Fear of Success • Fear of Being Judged • Fear of Emotional Pain • Fear of Embarrassment • Fear of Being Alone/Abandoned • Fear of Rejection • Fear of Expressing Feelings • Fear of Intimacy • Fear of The Unknown

The Growth (Hope) Path =

Possibilities and Aha Response! Seek emotional support that makes you keep trying when

faced with a challenge.

Emotional overwhelm can be managed.

Persist in the face of setbacks.

Focuses more on effort than winning.

Learn from feedback even criticism.

Find lessons and inspiration from the success of others.

Let go of your hurry to know it all now.

Let go the embarrassment of being wrong or starting over.

Dweck Mindset

KNOW YOURSELF: The Growth Path- Yes I Can – Anything is Possible

Let go of belief that to listen to intelligence of your emotions indicates weakness.

Embraces vulnerability.

Let go of belief that emotional overwhelm cannot be managed.

Let go of belief to seek support is a weakness.

Let go fear/loss of choosing a different route.

Let go of your hurry to know it all now.

Let go the embarrassment of being wrong or starting over.

RESILIENT INQUIRY

• How long have you been “dwelling on this? • How long has that “movie” been playing in your mind? • I hear some emotion around that? Can you name the emotion? • I am confident you will discover a solution or new path. • What emotion was “felt” as a child when you tried something new? • When you listen to the intelligence of emotions, what do you hear or see? • I feel you are on the verge of a break through Eureka/AHA moment! • Sounds like you are in the yes, but path. How long to you plan to stay

there? • What emotions are blocking you from flowing in the river of life? • Describe a time when you were comfortable about an uncertain future? • What hope behaviors can you tap into? Who or what appreciates these

behaviors? • What experiences helped you to develop hope behaviors? • What fear behaviors do you want to manage better? Who or what triggers

these behaviors? What experiences/stories reinforce these fears?

IQ Think

Actions

Coaching the Whole Person

IQ, EQ & our behavior are qualities we possess.

Together they determine how we think, feel and act.

EQ is the only quality that can be developed. But have we been taking the wrong approach to teaching emotional resilience

EQ Feel

What is Emotion? • All emotion has a purpose or

value.

• Emotions are part of all human interactions.

• Neuroscience shows that emotions are embedded in ALL our thinking.

• A flood of neuro chemicals carry information and energy.

• Six seconds of opportunities to gain/lose information and energy.

Distinction: What is Emotion? • Emotions: Automatic chemical

and hormonal response to a stimulus

• Feelings: Interpretation of an event

• Mood: Generalize interpretation of external factors; – influenced by “perceptual filters

– Impacts how we perceive world/client/self

Coaching

Presence Mirrored Neurons

• Mirrored neurons are dispersed throughout the brain.

• These neurons mimic or mirror what another person does.

• When we consciously or unconsciously detect another’s emotions through their actions, our mirror neurons reproduce those emotions.

• The neurons create an instant sense of shared experience.

• There is a group of neurons whose only job is to detect positive mood- laughter and smiles.

Who’s neurons are you mirroring when faced with an adversity?

DID YOU KNOW?

• Individuals who use emotions as information to make a decision instead of using emotions as an uncomfortable disturbance to avoid a decision have higher resiliency.

• Resilient individuals have higher “emotional anxiety” from not making a decision than from making a decision”.

THE RESILIENT BRAIN CREATE NEW HABITS

• What client focuses on persists. – Clarify the client’s predictable patterns – Identify WIIFM to travel the same path – Increase awareness of “drama” addiction

• Re-wiring the brain’s neuro pathways by creating new habits – Pre frontal cortex – Ah Ha moments – Limbic system- Un No moments

• Focus is to retrain the limbic system

COACHING TOOL: WISDOM OF FEELINGS

Emotion/ Purpose/Signal/ Energy /Attention

“Emotions serve to direct our attention and to motivate us –

they are information and energy. Each emotion provides a signal of our perceptions of the world inside and outside, but

these signals are not clear “signs,” rather they are “felt” senses. Typically we have a complex combination of emotions

and thoughts.” Josh Freeman

EQ Tools for Change Six Seconds The Emotional Intelligence Network

Spectrum of Emotions

Colors of a Wheel; Eckman; Pluckman

Wisdom of Feelings Coaching Practice- 10 mins

• How do you usually feel when you think someone isn’t listening to you during an adversity/change?

– I Feel………

• Why do you think the person isn’t listening

– I think I am…….

• What do you do ( action) when someone isn’t listening to you

– My default action is…….

• Discuss how you have or will use the Wisdom of Feeling tool.

COACHING TIPS: BREAKTHROUGH LISTENING

• Let silence be power- Let the brain breathe to create new neural insights.

• Self disclosure- I understand how that can be over whelming.

• Encourage story telling: “ Start where you feel comfortable” – How can you make the story come alive so I really know you? Your words I get, not sure about the emotion.

• Regulate emotional moments: Engage surface emotions, take a breath, how is the room, chair comfortable, cup of water.

• Reinforce safety and security ( Maslow).

COACHING TIPS: BREAKTHROUGH LISTENING

• Acknowledge connections between emotions-thoughts actions: Your body (thoughts) is letting you know something is off- our natural way of coping and re training.

• Seek and clarify predictable patterns: Does this pattern feel familiar? What would a “growth” pattern look like?

• Increase awareness of chaos addiction: What is the win for you to stay on the fear path. What happens when you pause first?

• Help client come alive: Every read or hear a story where the characters come alive? Tell me your story so you “pop” to life- your emotional self. I want to witness your humanity.

Intentional Mindfulness: “VET” THE EMOTION

• V- Validate and sit with the “emotion”. Name the emotion- I am feeling anxious….

• E- Explore what is really going on. What story is recalled? Does the script make sense today? What is the broader context?

• T- Transform the emotion into intelligence. How is this emotion holding me back? Moving me forward.

Coaching Tool: Positive FOCUS Coach Approach

Free-Talk Encourage talk about what went well, unexpected surprises or a courageous act. Goal: positive priming event and social connection to tap into the growth emotional pathways AND “feel good” mirrored neurons. Optimistic Mindset Inquire about their aspirations or progress. Explore what, who, how they stay hopeful. Goal: Movement towards the Growth - Hopeful path. Conflicting Energy Explore conflicting energy (growth vs. fixed) that sabotages or delays their progress. Goal: Release the emotional block: let the water flow over, through or past the emotional “gremlin”. Unveil the Winning Path (Preferred Future) Use provocative questions, active listening to unveil the client’s preferred future. Goal: For client see and feel their future self- their story comes alive!

Smarter Steps Design SMARTER actions and offer appreciative feedback on progress and growth.

Goal: Tap into SMARTER emotional habits to sustain forward progress.

Coaching Tool: Seven SMARTER Positive Emotions

•Self : Optimize strengths, efficacy and articulate career success and significance. •Mastery: Master one’s emotions, thoughts, stories and actions to achieve success and significance. •Attraction: Intentional display of positive energy, optimism and confidence. •Resilience: Adapts, reinvents and builds reserves to overcome setbacks and remove obstacles. •Tolerance: Accepts, acknowledges and appreciates perspectives. Eliminates distractions. •Evolve: Innovates, initiates, and improves. •Reciprocity: Teach &be taught, lead &be led, receive & give.

Components of Hardiness

• Commitment – significance vs. survival

• Control – intentional decisions vs. helplessness

• Challenge – growth vs. problem

• Community- social connections vs. isolation

• Context - reality check vs. Yes, But

Resiliency Requires Reserves

1. Reserves free up space mentally, physically, cognitively and socially so that you and your workplace can focus on what really matters.

2. Building reserves is the act of saving up for a rainy day in multiple areas in your workplace and life.

Five Resilience Reserves

• Self Expectations – Success and Significance

• Meaningful Participation

• Clear, Consistent Boundaries

• Life/Career Skills

• Self Care Refer to the Reserve Assessment

Expectations: Success and Significance

LOW

• Lack skills & support to persevere

• Unaware of strengths

• Low self regard of talents

• Little initiative- “no fire in belly”

HIGH

• Skills & support to persevere

• Optimizes strength

• High , not bloated self regard

• Knows and taps “fire in the belly”

Unaware brain is a surprised brain Thomson, Stress effect

Meaningful Participation LOW

• Limited support network

• Doesn’t support/feel supported by others

• Voice/opinion not valued

• No/little connection to community/family friends

• Unclear life purpose/thread/faith

HIGH

• Has support network

• Actively supports others

• Feels valued and listened to

• Schedules time with family/friends

• Clear life purpose/ thread/faith

An unsupported brain is a sad, lonely brain. Thomson, Stress effect

Clear Boundaries

LOW

• Limited personal/work boundaries

• Do not assert one’s needs

• Attracts unhealthy people/situations

• Confusing expectations

• Easily distracted

HIGH

• Sets/communicates boundaries

• Speaks ups

• Attracts healthy people and experiences

• Clear expectations

• Manages distractions

A distracted, noisy brain is a lost brain Thomson, Stress effect

Life/Career Skills (Evolving) LOW

• Poor listening and communication skills

• Lacks /doesn’t seek new learning experiences

• Fuzzy goals -little plan

• Low appetite for learning

• Low comfort expressing creativity or humor

HIGH

• Active listening communication skills

• Seeks experiences to perform/live better

• Clear goal with measurable plan

• Thirst for learning

• Express creativity or humor freely

A unstimulated brain is a slow brain Thomson, Stress effect

Self Care (Empathy)

LOW

• Can not relax

• Little exercise

• Too much sugar, fat, over weight

• Sleep poorly

• NO time for family or fun

HIGH

• Knows how to relax

• Exercise regularly

• Balanced nutrition

• Express creativity freely

• Gets 7+ hours sleep night

• Schedule time for family/fun

A hungry, unfit brain is a tired brain Thomson, Stress effect

CHOOSE YOURSELF: ADVERSITY AND THINKING STYLE

Shakespeare wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

• Dr. Martin Seligman researched the direct connection between a person’s thinking style and how one explains adversity.

• Seligman describes this research in his book, Learned Optimism. Seligman further describes three thinking dimensions people use to explain adversity.

ADVERSITY AND THINKING STYLES - POLL

Personalization: Internal vs. External

• When adversity strikes do I blame myself or do I blame other people or circumstances?

– Internalizing (seeing adversity as due to me and my actions) versus

– Externalizing (seeing the cause of the event as external to me (Me – not me)

ADVERSITY AND THINKING STYLES

Pervasiveness: Universal vs. Specific

• Do I see the event impacting all my life or is the impact isolated to a specific event or person?

– Seeing the impact as universal (affecting all areas of my life) versus

– Seeing the impact as specific (affecting a specific part of my life) (Everything – not everything)

ADVERSITY AND THINKING STYLES

Permanence: Ongoing vs. Temporary

• Do I see the event as persisting in my life or do I see it is short lived?

– Seeing the dilemma that I face as Ongoing (continuing forever to impact my life) versus

– Temporary (having an impact for a very short duration)

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST RESILIENCE AND EI COACHING

FOCUSES ON THE PRE FRONTAL CORTEX?

WHAT IF YOU FOCUS

ON THE LIMBIC SYSTEM TO TEACH RESILIENT HABITS?

• The University of Illinois Chicago is the first to develop a

process directed entirely to the neuron transmitters of the brain’s limbic system.

• This is where all permanent habits are formed.

• To be completely functional in emotional resilience requires a new level of automatic EI habits that replaces old EI habits.

• The program is clinically proven to increase EI 23%.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOCUS ON THE LIMBIC SYSTEM TO TEACH EI?

• A process designed training (PDT) approach that applies four

uniquely different teaching methods. • A predictable method to increase EI. • Its faster, learning by emulating the group's early adapters. • Its more motivational, receiving continual positive

reinforcement as they learn. • It directs all the training to the neural-transmitters of the

brain's limbic system, by continually repeating the same practices until they become habits.

• The learning is entirely group and process-dependent not teacher dependent, and results in the same predictable outcome for each group.

Pre Frontal vs. Limbic System

Limbic System (I feel here) PDT teaches

EI Here

Neo Cortex I think Rationally (way over here) All EI programs

teach here

Process Designed Training

(PDT) teaches through

motivation, extended practice,

and positive feedback

Research indicates that the

limbic system learns best

through motivation, extended

practice, and positive feedback

What If that Led to a New EI Group Coaching Process

What If?

• A former engineer can incorporate the ISO process (mostly know in manufacturing) to improve personality traits?

Jim’s Journey How a successful entrepreneur and former engineer

designed the only clinically proven teaching process to increase EI.

The good news: This training process is now available for coaches and their clients.

How Was ISO Applied to Increase EQ?

1. Each step is difficult to design but easy to implement.

2. Each step is easy to replicate.

3. Each step’s outcome is always the same.

4. Each step stops if the outcome is flawed or

an error is made.

5. Each step’s error is easily correctible.

6. Conclusion: When any sequential series of these steps is proven to produce the same outcome, within a predictable tolerance, then that series of steps is defined as ISO.

7. This ISO process Jim called “Process Designed Training” (PDT).

Accountability and Practice

Beyond the Group

Each person:

1. Practiced their new habits between group meetings at least five

times with friends, colleagues employees or family.

2. Recorded the EQ practice intervention and outcome.

3. Reported back to the group the best and worst of their outcomes.

4. Shared their experiences and the group learned from their outcomes.

5. Championed each other by citing the one thing they appreciated most on their efforts to implement these skills.

An Unexpected Surprise Every person in the group increased their own EQ

habits but also the collective EQ of

the group increased.

The Research Continues……. Remove the trained moderators to prove that

PDT wasn’t moderator dependent but process dependent.

We entrusted the EQ protocol, habits and practices to the group.

RESULTS………………………………….

The Process Designed Training Process The Results…….

PDT is the only program that guarantees to measurably increase Emotional Intelligence.

Participants had a 39% increase in salaries and more promotions than the control group.

It took five years for university researchers to develop a clinically proven ISO process to increase EQ an average of 23%

PDT is a proven group coaching tool.

PDT is a proven leadership and corporate development process.

Coaching Resources and Programs for You or Your Clients:

• Social and Emotional Intelligence Resilience Coach • ICF ACSTH Approved- up to 60 hours

• EQ-i 2.0 Assessment Certification – Includes Resilience assessment tool

• PDT Executive Forums, CEO/Leader, Client and Student Groups, • Coach Moderator Training and Coach Partner program

– Liautaud Institute University Illinois Chicago Graduate School Business • Help us launch two new EI Assessments

– Family EI Survey – EI PDT 360

• Midwest ICF members receive special pricing.

I love to chat with you about any of the above programs!

Bonus Tools • Two Bonus Tools

– Join the Smart2Smarter Community • www.smart2smarter.com

– Mastery - Hope vs. Fear Coaching tool

– Thinking and Resilience tool

• Gain access to over 40 resilience tools in the book Smart2Smarter: Seven Emotions Every Employer Wants…Every Employee Needs

• Visit www.liautaudinstitute.com for a free listening tool.

THE TWO WOLVES

Resilience uses the energy of positive psychology and social connections to adapt, reinvent and renew

– to feed the smarter wolf.

Thank You for Sharing and Learning

with me!

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,

but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou