Millennium Bug 2 - The Loose Ends Tribunal

8/6/2019 Millennium Bug 2 - The Loose Ends Tribunal

1/89

Millennium Bug 2 - The Loose Ends Tribunal

By

Heya Gosper

(c) 2010 Heya Gosper [email protected]


2/89

Cast of Characters

Judge Clacker: Presiding Judge of the LooseEnds Tribunal

Bailiff: The clerk of the court

Andrew Shound: A newshound

Minister Minister: Minister of Anachronisms

Dr. Hyphen Woo: A scientist

Harriet Wolff: The crown prosecutor

Fitzclough: Ben Greenbelts solicitor

Bigamy: A techno-nerd with an

unfortunate name

Incest: Another nerd

Sodomy: A third nerd

Constable Hines: A time-cop

Ring Girl: Trim-buttocked, thats whatId call her

Sarah Connor: Spooky Connor, the terminatorexterminator

Gosper: The author of this play

Stage Manager: The stage manager of thisproduction

Ionesco, Beckett, Stoppard: Playwrights, Gospersaccomplices

Jogger, Aunty 1, Aunty 2,Taxi Driver, Spanish Waiter:

Assorted red herrings


3/89

ACT I

Scene 1

A courtroom. JUDGE CLACKER seated at the desk,an empty witness stand, and a gallery stand

where sit SHOUND, WOO and MINISTER. The BAILIFFstands near the Judges desk.

Enter RING GIRL, carrying large cards. She parades across the stage displaying the cardsone at a time. The cards read:

ACT 1, SCENE 1

THE LIDCOMBE COURTHOUSE

THE YEAR IS 2077

ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE

[AN ELECTRIC BELL LIKE THAT USED IN BOXING MATCHES ISHEARD.]

JUDGE CLACKER(Mutters)

...lowest common denominator...(Clears throat.)

Pause.(Clears throat pointedly.)

Pause.Ahem.

BAILIFF(Looking up, realising it is his cuehe winks at the judge.)

Ahem.

JUDGE CLACKERThat is you, Bailiff.

BAILIFFNext case, right.

JUDGE CLACKERBailiff!

BAILIFFYes your wot?

JUDGE CLACKERPlease.

(CONTINUED)


4/89

CONTINUED: 2.

BAILIFFEr...

JUDGE CLACKERMay we begin?

BAILIFFOh! Sorry...

(He stands.)Im new here. Still not used to the power.

(He claps twice and the lights go off.He claps once and they come on again.)

Wicked.(He claps three times briskly.)

All rise! Court is now in session. Justice Clackerpresiding. First case is the State versus HeyaGosper, Benjamin Greenbelt, the Lidcombe Players andthe Lidcombe Star Theater, being charged with

recklessly and negligently allowing loose ends toinfiltrate and corrupt a dramatic production.

SHOUNDIts a scoop!

MINISTERIts a scandal!

WOOIts interesting, but statistically irreverent.

JUDGE CLACKER

Silence in court!

BAILIFFThank you your majesty. Now then where was I? Oh yes,the charges. It is alleged that the defendants didknowingly and with malice aforethought create aproduction so rife with loose ends that it damagedthe very fabric of space-time.

JUDGE CLACKERWhere is the representative of the accused. Mr.Fitzclough, Ben Greenbelts solicitor?

WOO(Consulting a sheaf of papers)

Running late.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat is that?

WOOThe transcript, your excelsior.

JUDGE CLACKERTranscript of what?

(CONTINUED)


5/89

CONTINUED: 3.

WOOThe trial.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat trial?

WOOWell, this one of course.

MINISTERScandalous!

SHOUNDLibelous!

WOOThis bagatelle? Pah.

JUDGE CLACKER

Silence! Who are you?

WOOIm the Doctor.

JUDGE CLACKERWhose doctor?

WOOIn a manner of speaking, yes.

Pause.

JUDGE CLACKERYoure not...

WOOI am. Doctor Woo, at your service.

JUDGE CLACKER(relieved)

For a moment I thought... never mind. At any rate, itis against the rules to bring the transcript of thetrial into the trial. That would create all kindsof...

SHOUNDLoose ends?

MINISTERA... vortex of some kind?

JUDGE CLACKER... confusion. Let us have it.

(BAILIFF takes the transcript from WOOand gives it to the JUDGE, who flicksthrough it quickly.)

You dont say... you dont say...

(CONTINUED)


6/89

CONTINUED: 4.

BAILIFFAre they guilty?

JUDGE CLACKERIt doesnt say.

(He puts it aside.)

Right then...(At that moment FITZCLOUGH enters.)

FITZCLOUGHSorry Im late. I missed my bus because I was totallyabsorbed in this file.

(He holds up a bulky manila folder)

JUDGE CLACKERWhat is in the file?

FITZCLOUGH

(Tips a bunch of nails out of thefolder)Nails, mostly. Its a nail file.

SHOUND(Writing)

Im using that.

MINISTERBeen done.

SHOUNDSuit fined in nail file suit!

MINISTERWhat suit? You just made that up.

SHOUNDPlease. Im a reporter, not a tailor.

JUDGE CLACKERSilence! I will have order in this court. Shut it!

SHOUNDCourt orders airtight nail file suit nailed shut!

MINISTERThats quite good. I like that one.

JUDGE CLACKERSilence!

(Pause)Thank you. Please try to contain yourselves. Nowthen, who are you, sir?

FITZCLOUGHFitzclough, your spine. Ben Greenbelts solicitor.

(CONTINUED)


7/89

CONTINUED: 5.

JUDGE CLACKERAh, good. Then we may begin. Bailiff, if you wouldsummarise the charges once more?

BAILIFFYes your district. The state alleges that Ben

Greenbelt, alias Heya Gosper, possibly in collusionwith Tom Stoppard...

FITZCLOUGHObjection.

BAILIFFYou cant object to the allegations.

FITZCLOUGHI do.

BAILIFFThose are the charges! They are not open to -

FITZCLOUGHI object to them.

BAILIFFWhy?

FITZCLOUGHYou may well ask.

BAILIFF

I do ask.

FITZCLOUGHJust as well.

JUDGE CLACKERApproach!

Fitzclough approaches the bench.What is the nature of your objection?

FITZCLOUGH

Stoppard, your chastity, is a myth. A frictionalcharacter, like Hercules or Sigmund Freud. It iswrong on several levels to include him in theofficial charges.

BAILIFFIm sure he is real. I saw an interview with him ontri-D.

FITZCLOUGHFraudulent.

(CONTINUED)


8/89


9/89

CONTINUED: 7.

WOLFF(Rubbing eyes.)

I had the most peculiar dream...

JUDGE CLACKERWell come to, weve a trial to endure.

WOLFF... You were all nothing but a pack of cards...

JUDGE CLACKERAlright, you arent in Aliceland anymore.

WOLFFSorry your highlands. I confess that I am greatlyrelieved. While everyone in court was losing theirheads I realised that I have grown quite attached tomine.

JUDGE CLACKERClerk please.

BAILIFF(shouts)

Silence in court!

JUDGE CLACKERThank you.

BAILIFFSilence!

JUDGE CLACKERYes thank you. (to WOLFF) Hes on work experience.

WOLFFOh, what school?

BAILIFFGrammar.

WOLFFSorry, which school?

BAILIFFAlso Grammar. Now, according to my Cliff Notes, it isyour turn to say stuff.

FITZCLOUGHObjection! This could be a mistrial.

JUDGE CLACKERWhy?

FITZCLOUGHIf the clerk needs Cliff Notes on court procedures...

(CONTINUED)


10/89

CONTINUED: 8.

BAILIFFOh no, its okay your shilling. These are actuallythe Cliff Notes on the production, not the trial.

(pause)

JUDGE CLACKER

Ill let this go for now, but I warn you all that Ihave a low tolerance for this self-referentialnonsense.

SHOUNDScoop! Judge refers to self as nonsense!

JUDGE CLACKERNo I didnt.

SHOUNDDenies nonsensical self-reference! Affirms reference

to non-self. Newshound selflessly delves intonon-selves inference amid deference to deft defencewhile shelving the precedents of the benchs stance!

MINISTER and WOO applaud.

JUDGE CLACKERStop! That is enough! I said stop it. Who are you,anyway?

SHOUNDMy name is Shound, your Grace. Andrew Shound of theReal Estate Gazette.

FITZCLOUGHOh, are you related to old Shound, the editor?

SHOUNDMy uncle. Im the new Shound.

FITZCLOUGHYoure the news... oh I see. Very good.

JUDGE CLACKERAlright that is enough. Now why would the Real Estate

Gazette be covering this trial?

SHOUNDOh, we cover everything. Its all relevant to houseprices, you see, which is about the only thing ourreaders care about. That and interest rates, they areobsessed with those.

JUDGE CLACKERAnd how would these proceedings possibly affecteither?

(CONTINUED)


11/89

CONTINUED: 9.

SHOUNDWell, with house prices it is always up. Most of ourreaders own houses and they like it when prices goup. Makes them feel like they are floating, I guess.

WOO

They use the equity to buy boats.

SHOUNDThats correct. Nobody wants to feel like they areunderwater on their boat purchase.

WOOUnless it was a submarine.

SHOUNDYes. You can bet that if house prices fell thensubmarines would go through the roof.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat about interest rates?

SHOUNDVery little so far, but it might pick up later.

JUDGE CLACKERI meant mortgage rates.

SHOUNDOh, sorry. They depend on the angle of the story. Seeif the story is about how there is a housing shortage

and home buyers might miss out then rates are low andaffordable. On the other hand, if the story is abouthow prices are sky high and there are no buyers, thenwe usually try and blame the central bank by sayingthat the cash rate is too high.

JUDGE CLACKERAnd the strewth?

SHOUNDThe strewth is that interest rates have very littleto do with anything. I think Ill say that they are

on the way up so buy now before you miss out.

WOOThat doesnt make sense.

SHOUNDSure it does. When interest rates go up, housingbecomes less affordable. Therefore house prices alsogo up. So a house is cheap now and you should get onthe ladder before you miss out. Unless you are aninvestor, in which case rents are likely to rise soyou should buy now in order to cash in on risingyields, tax concessions and capital gains.

(CONTINUED)


12/89

CONTINUED: 10.

WOOThat also makes no sense.

(pause)

JUDGE CLACKERShall we resume the trial, or does everybody have to

rush out to an auction now?(Pause)

I was joking. We will resume the trial. (To WOLFF)Counsel, would you like to present the Crowns case?

WOLFFWith pleasure. You will note that the defendant isnot present. As clear an admission of guilt as any.Case closed.

FITZCLOUGHNo it isnt!

WOLFFWhy not? He cant defend himself can he? Lets justhang him now and we can all go home and watch LauraNorder.

FITZCLOUGHHave you gone mad?

WOLFFObjection! Your dibs, this man called me names.

JUDGE CLACKER

Sustained. The defence will not be so offensive. TheCrown will not be so defensive.

WOLFFDeal.

JUDGE CLACKERAnd we will conduct a proper trial, in absentia.

WOLFFWhy dont we do it here?

JUDGE CLACKERYes, here will be fine.

FITZCLOUGHIts Latin. It means that you can try the defendantin his absence.

WOLFFWell I tried, but you didnt let me.

FITZCLOUGHTry him fairly.

(CONTINUED)


13/89

CONTINUED: 11.

WOLFFOh. Thats different. (To audience:) The prosecutionwill show that whatever the charges are, are true,and that the defendant, if that is his real name, isguilty of said charges, and furthermore did really doit, to wit, the thing that the charges charge he did,

ipso facto, a priori, habeus corpus ad nauseum. Thedefense will claim that it is a crock. But it isnt acrock. They are a crock. In summary: our case is alock, its as firm as a rock and the guy in the dockis as guilty as Spock.

WOOWhy is Spock guilty?

WOLFFOh please. Those guilty ears?

WOO Pointy. Spock had pointy ears.

WOLFFNot Doctor Spock.

JUDGE CLACKERVery well. Would the defence care to summarise theircase?

FITZCLOUGHEr... that fruit in the suit is as mad as a coot?Also my client is innocent.

JUDGE CLACKERFine. We will reconvene after lunch for theprosecution witnesses.

End of scene 1.

Scene 2.

An empty stage. A thick layer of smoke coversthe floor. MINISTER stands center stage. EnterRING GIRL, carrying her scene cards. They read:

ACT 1, SCENE 2

NEW TECHNOLOGY, THE MIND-MELD

ALLOWS WITNESS TESTIMONY FROM INSIDE THEIR MIND

... ITS TECHNICAL.

NEXT WITNESS, THE MINISTER FOR ANACHRONISMS

MINISTER(Looks around and notices theaudience.)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


14/89

CONTINUED: 12.

MINISTER (contd)Ah there you are. Im glad you could make it. Notmuch point if you werent here. First mind-meld? Mysecond but the first as a real witness. Fractious!Sorry. Brr. Cold.

(Gesturing around:)

This... is my mind. My memory, anyway, and not whatit used to be.

(He indicates the air in one directionand then another)

My wife! So beautiful. Dont you agree? My otherwife. A mistake. Ah, my old school, St.Toffeebottoms. The house where I grew up. Daddy wasrich, Mummy was good looking. All that.

Enter WOLFF.

WOLFF

What did he do, your Daddy?

MINISTERHe was a mining industrialist. Lodestone, mostly.

WOLFFAnd what was his name?

MINISTERMagnus.

WOLFFAnd would you say that he was a generous man?

MINISTEROh yes, very.

WOLFFAnd your mothers name was Mary, isnt that right?

MINISTERThats right.

WOLFFSo would it be fair to say that your Mummy Mary

married Magnus, the magnanimous magnet magnate?

MINISTER(After a brief pause)

Yes.

WOLFFYour witness.

(Enter FITZCLOUGH, brandishing a sheafof papers.)

FITZCLOUGHDo you know what these are?

(CONTINUED)


15/89

CONTINUED: 13.

MINISTERNo.

FITZCLOUGH(Throws them away.)

Shame. I was hoping you could tell me. They were in

my case, you see.

MINISTERWell, maybe they pertain to this case.

FITZCLOUGHI wouldnt wish to speculate on that. No, it seemedto be a play of some kind.

MINISTERIn fact that happened to me recently...

FITZCLOUGHThats odd. (to WOLFF:) I dont suppose you...

WOLFF(Woodenly)

No... I havent seen a script.

Pause.

FITZCLOUGHNow then. You have said that your father was anindustrialist. Did he own a factory?

MINISTERYes, several.

FITZCLOUGHHow many exactly.

MINISTERFour.

FITZCLOUGHAnd isnt it true that each factory had fortyworkers?

MINISTERThey were all the same design.

FITZCLOUGHAnd was there an incident one April Fools Dayinvolving a prank, a practical joke that went wrong?

MINISTERYes, I remember that. It was in building number four.

FITZCLOUGHPerfect. And involved the foreman.

(CONTINUED)


16/89

CONTINUED: 14.

MINISTERYes, Fred. It was a minor fall.

FITZCLOUGHI put it to you that on the first of the fourth,2044, the foreman Fred fell fairly fishily to the

firm foam on the fourth floor of factory four.

MINISTERYes, except for the fishy part.

FITZCLOUGHBut there were magnets involved.

MINISTERYes, I.. No! It was in the break room.

FITZCLOUGH

And it involved a pie? A fish pie?

MINISTERNo. A cream pie.

Enter JUDGE CLACKER.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat did I miss?

FITZCLOUGHA cream pie.

JUDGE CLACKERReally? Curse this buggy mind-meld technology.Alright, carry on.

FITZCLOUGHYour witness.

WOLFFAlright then, so there were some shenanigans with apie. A bit of break room slapstick. Does that meanthat the production was stopped?

MINISTERNo.

WOLFFAnd the worker involved, the patissier, was fired?

MINISTERNo! It was just a harmless prank.

FITZCLOUGHObjection! Relevance!

(CONTINUED)


17/89

CONTINUED: 15.

JUDGE CLACKERSustained. the prosecution will keep the factsrelevant to the case. The defence will stop pokingtongues. Let us try to conduct this trial likeadults, shall we?

WOLFF AND FITZCLOUGH(together, like chastised schoolboys)

Yes, your warship.

JUDGE CLACKERGood. And that is enough pointless alliteration aswell.

(he takes some pills from his pocketand pops a couple.)

It is driving me batty.

WOLFFIts his mind.

JUDGE CLACKERWell just try to keep it on task.

(He turns to the audience.)Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this mind meldtechnology we are using is not without its issues.Please try to be impartial and remember that what yousee and hear is largely coloured by the personality,beliefs and perceptions of the subject, in this caseMr. Minister. The prosecution will resume.

WOLFF

Mr. Minister? I though you were a minister.

MINISTERI am. Im the minister of Anachronisms.

WOLFFNever heard of it.

MINISTERNo, its new.

WOLFFAnd what is the ambit of your department?

MINISTERWell, ever since time travel was invented there havebeen anomalies, items popping up in timezones wherethey dont belong.

WOLFFYou mean like antiques.

MINISTERYes, except with no signs of aging and with no clueas to how it got there, unlike heirlooms. More like a

drinkable Merlot.

(CONTINUED)


18/89

CONTINUED: 16.

WOLFFI see. Im sure somebody in the jury understands youropaque wine reference as well.

MINISTERIt means I dont like Merlot, but more importantly

that they dont age very well. If you stumble acrossa drinkable Merlot that is older than say ten yearsold, you should call my department immediately.

FITZCLOUGHObjection! I happen to like Merlot.

JUDGE CLACKERSustained! I do too. The jury will disregard thatstatement.

WOLFF

What else can you tell us about these objects?

MINISTERThey might also come from the future.

WOLFFLike a futuristic gadget of some kind?

MINISTERMaybe. Those are usually from Sweden. More like adrinkable Pinot Grigio. You see -

WOLFF

Yes, yes. I do know a little about wine. Now then,can you explain how your department came into being?

MINISTERWell, after Greenbelt invented his time machine -

FITZCLOUGHObjection! That is a question before the court!

JUDGE CLACKERSustained. Please leave out the time machine.

MINISTERAfter Greenbelt invented a device that -

FITZCLOUGHObjection! I know Ben. he isnt smart enough to be aninventor. No inventor, he. Couldnt invent his wayout of a wet paper bag. No. Objection.

JUDGE CLACKERSustained.

MINISTERAfter Greenbelt -

(CONTINUED)


19/89

CONTINUED: 17.

FITZCLOUGHObjection.


MINISTERGreenbelt -

FITZCLOUGHObjection!

WOLFFObjection!

JUDGE CLACKERSustained and sustained! Please stop badgering thewitness. Mr. Minister, please continue, without

making reference to the arguably fictitious evilgenius Ben Greenbelt if you can.

MINISTERIll try. Well sir, Lucy Lankshaft set up my unitherself, after a series of unfortunate events.

WOLFFIt was terrible, but hardly called for a wholedepartment. Just dont watch it.

MINISTERNot the movie, not even the books, which were

marginally better.

WOLFFLands abound.

MINISTERI mean some things happened, a lot was said, manywitnesses on the night, and... yes Im pretty sureyour client was at the center of most of it. Therewas a time machine, loose ends, loose women, threewalls, a sociopathic theater critic, spoonerism,plagiarism, satire and parody!

JUDGE CLACKERNerds!

Enter three nerds wearing business shirts andglasses.

NERD 1Yes your bishop?

JUDGE CLACKERLook at all this smoke. Can you do something?

(CONTINUED)


20/89

CONTINUED: 18.

NERD 1Looks like the air conditioning is on the fritz.

NERD 3Tut tut, it looks like rain.

NERD 2Thats when the clouds are up, you dolt.

NERD 3What are these then?

NERD 2These are down.

NERD 3(pats the smoke.)

Cheer up.

NERD 1Alright be quiet now you two. Sorry about mycolleagues. One is always inappropriate and the otheris just a pain in the -

JUDGE CLACKERAlright thats enough.

NERD 1The only way to help them is with patience and love.

JUDGE CLACKER

Just fix the A.C.

NERD 1Roger that. Wheres the unit?

JUDGE CLACKERI dont know, its his mind.

NERD 2Oh no, its a pollie.

NERD 3

I dont smell anything.

NERD 2His mind, idiot. Look!

(He bends over and picks up an emptywine bottle.)

See? Claret. This stuff is everywhere.(He kicks another bottle and it slidesacross the stage.)

NERD 1Well that explains all the smoke. I suppose you neverinhaled, eh? Never mind, we all have our pastindiscretions. I myself was once a software engineer.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


21/89

CONTINUED: 19.

NERD 1 (contd)Its true! I can see you have trouble believing thata respectable bespectacled like me was once a memberof a sect like the Association for ComputingMachinery. But I was.

NERD 2We all were, until you went bonkers.

NERD 3Yes, we were all fired, remember?

NERD 1Yes well those days are behind us. Anyway, who is tosay that we didnt deserve it?

NERD 2 AND NERD 3(together:)

Us!

NERD 1Software Engineering, now theres an oxymoron.

NERD 3Whats an oxymoron?

NERD 1Its like "Mooooo".

NERD 2Information Technology.

NERD 1Mooooo. Quality Control.

NERD 2 AND NERD 3Mooooo!

NERD 3Project Management.

Pause.

NERD 1 AND NERD 2Moooooo!

NERD 1Alright, back to work. Excuse me Mr...

MINISTERMinister.

NERD 1Sorry, Father. Where is the A.C. unit in here?

(CONTINUED)


22/89

CONTINUED: 20.

MINISTERIm not sure there is one. Its my mind.

NERD 1Yes I know but usually they have one.

MINISTERI dont know.

NERD 1Well can you imagine one?

MINISTERUmm... I dont think so, no.

NERD 2Doesnt think, doesnt know. That is half of thetrouble right there.

NERD 3What is the other half?

NERD 2That is the rest of the trouble.

NERD 3I see your point. If -

NERD 1Will you two shut up? Please forgive them. They havea rare neurological condition called Doritos

Syndrome.

NERD 2It makes us act corny.

NERD 3And cheesy. Corny and cheesy.

NERD 1Underneath it all theyre just crumbs. The conditiontends to remove their inhibitions, causing them tosay all kinds of inappropriate things. Keeping them

on task is a full time job.

NERD 2Overpaid.

NERD 1Enough! Father, would we have your permission tobring a portable unit in here?

MINISTERI suppose so...

(CONTINUED)


23/89

CONTINUED: 21.

NERD 1Very well. Come on you cowards.

(They exit.)

JUDGE CLACKERWell, that was peculiar.

FITZCLOUGHNo more so.

JUDGE CLACKERPoint taken. Well, we can continue -

(He is interrupted by the reentry ofthe nerds.)

NERD 1Not so fast! Sorry, not you your spanner. Theseclumsy oafs. Do you know how much this machine costs

in Zimbabwean currency?(The subordinate nerds are wheeling ina large electronic device resemblingan oversized telephone.)

Here we are then.

FITZCLOUGHThats an air conditioner?

NERD 2Of course. What did you expect, something the size ofthree rooms?

(They all laugh.)

No, we use that one for... smoking... tobacco...

NERD 3Wheres the outlet?

NERD 2There isnt one, idiot.

NERD 1Most politicians have little real power. Just switchto battery power.

(NERD 2 and NERD 3 pick up bats

hanging off the machine and startwhacking it.)

FITZCLOUGHWhat are they doing?

NERD 1Thats called battery power. What, dont you get it?

FITZCLOUGHThats terrible.

(CONTINUED)


24/89

CONTINUED: 22.

NERD 1It isnt a baby seal. Besides, its working. Look!

(He picks up a hose coming from themachine and starts waving it around.Air is coming out of the hose and ashe moves it around it displaces thesmoke. the smoke gradually clears,revealing that the stage is litteredwith empty wine bottles. There is alsoa body.)

WOLFFWhats this then?

MINISTERJust litter.

WOLFFHeres a body!

MINISTEREr... that was here when I got here.

WOLFFWell you can see how this looks.

FITZCLOUGHIt looks dead.

JUDGE CLACKERCall the police!

Before they can do anything, HINES enters,carrying a notebook and pencil.)

HINESAlright nobody move. Shoosh. Before you say what youwere about to say allow me to answer. I... amConstable Hines. I am responding to a call you areabout to make, something about finding a body?

JUDGE CLACKERThats right.

HINESOkay that is cleared up. You better call the policenow then in order to ensure that this can had shallhave already will be going to have had happened.

NERD 1We were about to leave. We can call you on the wayout if you like.

HINESVery well.

(The nerds leave with their machine.

On the way, NERD 1 shouts at HINES.)

(CONTINUED)


25/89

CONTINUED: 23.

NERD 1Help! A body! Help, police!

HINESI suppose that will have worked. After all, I amhere, am I not?

JUDGE CLACKERDifficult to say, given that we are conducting amind-meld. You could be a figment of this mansimagination.

WOLFFAs could the corpse. We need you to establish thestrewth, one way or the other.

(HINES looks at WOLFF suspiciously.)

HINES

By hook or by crook, eh?(He writes something in his notebook.)Ethics. Unacceptable. Fortunately there is a thirdoption available to the modern law enforcement agent.Indictio ad absurdum. In the immortal words of Mr.Sherlock Holmes, when you have eliminated all theusual suspects, the murderer must be...

(rounding suddenly on WOLFF)You!

WOLFF(Shocked)

What? Thats absurd. I -

HINESStop right there. Of course it isnt you. Yourreaction speaks volumes. If it had been you yourreaction would have been more like...

(rounding suddenly on FITZCLOUGH)You!

FITZCLOUGHWhat? Stop this ridiculous charade.

HINES

Oh, its no charade. Pardon me, but did I call you?Or did you call me?

FITZCLOUGHI dont think we called you.

HINESYour nerds shouted "Help, police!"

FITZCLOUGHMaybe they meant "Help police", as in the police needhelp.

(CONTINUED)


26/89

CONTINUED: 24.

HINESAh. That is possible. And it so happens that I havean assistant. May I introduce the lovely Ring Girl.

(Enter RING GIRL, carrying a box witha star and moon painted on it.)

Everyone, Ring Girl. Ring Girl, these are theclients.

(He indicates MINISTER)... except that guy, hes the killer.

(WOLFF, FITZCLOUGH and JUDGECLACKER look at MINISTER withsuspicion and start to close in onhim. Meanwhile HINES takes anaccountants visor out of the box.)

For my next trick, I will attempt to balance thenational budget.

(He puts on the visor and starts towrite furiously on his notebook.)

...carry the two...

JUDGE CLACKERAlright, no sudden moves and we wont get hurt.

WOLFFThe jig is up, vile murderer... and/or pleabargaining manslaughterer!

FITZCLOUGHI say take the plea.

MINISTERIll take it. As to your fee?

FITZCLOUGHJust imagine its free.

MINISTERPro-bono, I see.

WOLFFFor the record, the charges are man one and three.

HINES...Divide by the seed of un-minus infinity...

JUDGE CLACKERAs to the deed, how do you plead?

MINISTERGuilty as sin as I see I cant win.

FITZCLOUGHThen its settled. The witness is unreliable.

WOLFFDeal.

(They shake hands.)

(CONTINUED)


27/89

CONTINUED: 25.

JUDGE CLACKERBailiff!

(Enter BAILIFF.)

BAILIFFI have a name, you know.

JUDGE CLACKERI thought your name was Bailiff.

BAILIFFIt is. Im not a bailiff though, Im a clerk.

FITZCLOUGHI thought it was "clark".

BAILIFFNo, Clarks on leave.

FITZCLOUGHIsnt a bailiff also a "clark"?

BAILIFFId like to hear you say that to his face.

HINES...Finished. The answer is ninety three.

JUDGE CLACKEROkay thats enough. Clerk Bailiff Whatever, escortthe prisoner to the cells.

BAILIFFWith pleasure. I find these mind-melds really creepy.

(BAILIFF leads MINISTER out.)

MINISTERI regret nothing! Except my indiscretions.

BAILIFFNo, they are unacceptable.

Pause.

HINESHey, thats my job! Quick, Ring Girl!

HINES and RING GIRL rush offstage.

Pause.

FITZCLOUGHHow do we get out of here?

WOLFFBeats me.

(CONTINUED)


28/89

CONTINUED: 26.

They look around, perplexed.

FITZCLOUGHWhats that?

(He picks up HINES notebook, whichHINES has dropped in his rush.)

Its that policemans notebook.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat does it say? maybe its a clue.

FITZCLOUGH(reads:) Milk, eggs, bread.

WOLFFNo help there.

(to JUDGE CLACKER:)How do we get out of the mind-meld?

JUDGE CLACKERSeems there is a glitch. Ive got an idea. Lets trythis...

(they huddle together while the judgeexplains his plan in whispers.)

Blackout.

Scene 3.

A park. JUDGE CLACKER, BAILIFF, WOLFF andFITZCLOUGH stand onstage, looking around. Enter

RING GIRL carrying the scene cards as usual.They read:

ACT 1, SCENE 3

A PARK DOWNTOWN

THE COURT HAS ESCAPED THE MIND-MELD

JUDGE CLACKERWell getting out of that was by far the mostinteresting thing that has happened so far.

FITZCLOUGHYes. I never knew that teeth really had skin, butafter escaping by it, I demur.

WOLFFI concur.

BAILIFFMe three. Why are we in the park again?

JUDGE CLACKERIt is a beautiful day. After our claustrophobicexperience in Ministers mind, I think we can all use

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


29/89

CONTINUED: 27.

JUDGE CLACKER (contd)the air. We will continue the trial out here if itplease the court. And it do.

BAILIFFDo what?

JUDGE CLACKERDo please.

BAILIFFPlease do what?

JUDGE CLACKERI mean please please me.

BAILIFFI dont think that is appropriate.

JUDGE CLACKERContinue the trial if you please. Call the nextwitness.

BAILIFFYes sir! Next witness! Next witness! Calling the nextwitness!

STAGE MANAGER(offstage)

Get the next witness.

BAILIFFYes, get the next witness.

Pause.

JUDGE CLACKERThats you.

BAILIFFWhat? Im not a witness, am I?

JUDGE CLACKERNo, I mean you have to go and get them. Counsel?

WOLFFThe prosecution calls Doctor Hyphen Woo.

JUDGE CLACKER(to BAILIFF)

Now you go and find Dr. Woo.

BAILIFF(to the audience on the way out:) Dr. Woo. I knowwhat youre thinking, but Im not saying anything.Ill leave it for someone with a little less

self-respect.

(CONTINUED)


30/89

CONTINUED: 28.

FITZCLOUGHWait a second, Bailiff.

(to WOLFF:)Wasnt your next witness supposed to be Dr. Watt?

WOLFF

Who?

They both pull out sheafs of papers from pocketsand start riffling through them. The papers endup strewn everywhere.

FITZCLOUGHEr... Watt?

WOLFFWho is Watt?

FITZCLOUGHWho is?

WOLFFYes.

FITZCLOUGHSo Watt is Dr. Who.

WOLFFWhat?

FITZCLOUGH

Yes.

WOLFFNo!

FITZCLOUGHNot?

WOLFFNot!

FITZCLOUGH

But Watts on second.

WOLFFNo, no, Woos on second, and Watson third.

FITZCLOUGHWatson? No Watt?

WOLFFNo, what?

Pause.

(CONTINUED)


31/89

CONTINUED: 29.

FITZCLOUGH(making notes:)

No Watt, Woo second, Watson third. I think I have it.Bailiff, please bring in Dr. Who.

WOLFF

Woo!

FITZCLOUGHWoo.

BAILIFF exits and enters immediately with WOO.

BAILIFFYour name is Doctor Hyphen Woo?

WOOYes.

BAILIFFHow do you spell Hyphen?

WOOWith a dash.

BAILIFFIts one of those posh hyphenated names.

WOOCorrect.

BAILIFFDo you swear to tell the strewth, the whole strewthand nothing but the strewth?

WOONo, no and no.

BAILIFFWhy not?

WOOGiven that the strewth is unknown and arguably

unknowable, promising to reveal it is disingenuous atbest. With regards to scope, a claim to know thestrewth in its entirety is essentially fraudulent.Finally, limiting myself to only the strewth wouldpreclude me from uttering a variety of usefulgrammatical constructs that have no intrinsicstrewth-value, such as if, and, but and error.

BAILIFFYou have to tell the strewth.

WOOYou want the strewth? You cant handle the strewth!

(CONTINUED)


32/89

CONTINUED: 30.

WOLFFAlright Bailiff, I think we can all agree thatscience is golden.

FITZCLOUGHObjection! I dont agree with that at all!

JUDGE CLACKEROverruled. Doctor Woo, would you lie on purpose?

WOONo.

JUDGE CLACKERNot under any compulsion or pressure to say that?

WOONo.

JUDGE CLACKERSo you are speaking freely.

WOOYes.

JUDGE CLACKERLying now?

WOONo.

JUDGE CLACKERCompelled to?

WOONo.

JUDGE CLACKERLying freely?

WOOYes.

JUDGE CLACKERGotcha!

WOOI mean no. You tricked me!

JUDGE CLACKERYes very well. Mr Fitzclough, science may not begolden but I think we can all agree that it is silveror at least, nickel. This man seems honest enough.

FITZCLOUGHHe looks shifty to me. I suspect his motives.

(CONTINUED)


33/89

CONTINUED: 31.

WOOHarsh words, for a lawyer.

FITZCLOUGHI beg your... permission to treat as hostile?

JUDGE CLACKER(Sighs.)

Oh very well.

FITZCLOUGHYoure a big stinky old jerk.

WOLFFOh please.

FITZCLOUGHYou arent from Whoville and you dont drive a Targa.

Youre a big phony.

WOOIm not Dr Who. Im Dr Woo.

WOLFFI think we had covered that.

FITZCLOUGHIf youre so smart, what have I got in my pocketses?

WOOYour hands!

FITZCLOUGH(pulling them out quickly.)

Wrong.

WOOAlright then... is it a copy of The Hobbit?

FITZCLOUGH(Pauses sheepishly.)

... yes ...(he pulls the book out to show

everyone)I have been reading it on the bus on the way to work.Its very good.

JUDGE CLACKEROverruled.

Enter THE SURVIVALIST, a parody of Bear Grylls.

SURVIVALIST(to audience:) Im going to show you how to survivein the most inhospitable terrain, in some of theworst places on Earth. This week Im here in Lidcombeto try and make it out of one of the municipal parks

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


34/89

CONTINUED: 32.

SURVIVALIST (contd)that dot the suburb. Ill have to rely on my wits,local knowledge and as usual my willingness to eatthe most disgusting items that the crew can spotrather than just spearing a coney.

BAILIFFAccording to my Cliff Notes, this was bound tohappen.

WOLFFYes, all of my park trials have been farces.

FITZCLOUGHHow many have you done?

WOLFFThis is my first.

SURVIVALIST(to audience:) If you listen closely you can hear thegibbering of the local primates. It almost soundslike it makes sense.

(He listens.)

FITZCLOUGHIve done a church. That was odd.

WOLFFMy strangest was a pier. We all objected a lot.

FITZCLOUGHIll bet.

SURVIVALIST(to audience:) Ah but one thing the big apes canteach us is how to survive in their domain.

JUDGE CLACKEROrder in court!

WOLFFThank you your flatulence. Doctor Woo, what is your

field of speciality?

WOOFields. Yes, indeed, and specialities. I have sixdegrees... of separation. But my main research focusright now is on chronological influxions.

SURVIVALISTThese are obviously the weaker members of the tribe,left here to starve. Ah... letss move on.

JUDGE CLACKERWe can hear you, you know.

(CONTINUED)


35/89

CONTINUED: 33.

SURVIVALISTTheres a clearing over here, and that means the crewwill have made camp and found something for me toeat. I hope youve already eaten because youre aboutto see something truly revolting.

He exits, muttering about the crew and theirbaked beans.

JUDGE CLACKERWhere were we? Chronological influxions?

WOLFFYes. Could you define that in laymans terms?

WOOThey are disruptions in the normal flow of time andspace. Commonly known as vortexes, they are any type

of temporal block, sink, spiral, detour, gyre,gimble, frink or fuzz.

WOLFFAnd once more, in terms that a layman mightunderstand?

WOO(sighs.)

You may know him as Eddy.

WOLFFOh?

WOOEddys in the space/time continuum.

WOLFFIs he? Oh, right. Good!

WOOI study their nature, their causes and their effects.

WOLFFI see. Not really. And what have you learned?

WOOWell, it is clear that time travel has made it moredifficult to know the causal relationship betweenevents. In some cases it is even impossible todefinitively state that one even "came before"another, in our conventional understanding ofprecedence.

WOLFFAnd for laymen?

(CONTINUED)


36/89

CONTINUED: 34.

WOOPut simply, before time travel we used to think weknew which came first, the chicken or the egg.

WOLFFWell, what laid the egg?

WOOThe chicken.

WOLFFAnd what did the chicken hatch out of?

WOOPrior to time travel, we would have said "the egg"and wed be here all day. Now we think it possiblethat the chicken itself could have meddled with spacetime, creating an egg-laying poultry variant by

splicing the genes of some prototypical ancestor,such as the lesser flightless clucking platypus.

WOLFFAmazing.

WOOYes. Now although we cannot see the eddies, we cansurmise their existence by the anachronisms, oranomalies, that we detect - in this case the infiniteloop of chicken progeny plus the mysterious absenceof fossils of the clucking platypus.

WOLFFYou mentioned anachronisms. We heard something aboutthese from the last witness. His examples all seemedto revolve around wine. Plus he is a convicted killerand his testimony is unreliable. Would you be so kindas to provide us with another example?

WOOWell, say you lost your keys one day. You thenrealise that your car is missing. We used to say thatsomeone probably took the keys and stole your car.Nowadays we often find that you never had a car, and

we advise people to look for any signs of a bicycle,or possibly a bus ticket.


(holds up a bus ticket.)I catch the bus out of choice, not because my car wasstolen.

JUDGE CLACKERSustained. Doctor Woo, could you give us anotherexample that does not involve the contentious issuesof public transport, wine or chickens?

(CONTINUED)


37/89

CONTINUED: 35.

WOOWell, memory lapses, deja vu, denial and otherFreudian phenomena are often clues as well. But for aconcrete example, let us take house prices. We usedto think that house prices were largely reflective ofthe fundamentals of supply and demand, disposable

income, rental yield. However, by having an eye openfor time distortions, and by using Google Alerts, itbecame apparent that we were seeing the effects oftime travel.

WOLFFWhat did you find?

WOOWe deduced that at some point around the turn of thelast century, prices became irrationally dislocatedfrom these fundamentals. Prices spiked

astronomically, like solar flares. The Millennium Bugdestroyed most of the evidence, but we are fairlysure that from average prices of around three or fourtimes median income, prices suddenly soared tosomething like three trillion times income.

WOLFFIs that even possible?

WOOJust check out the prices here in Lidcombe sometime.A three bedroom govvie will cost anything up tomillion trillion Zimbabwean wotwots.

WOLFFBut isnt the wotwot ludicrously inflated?

WOOTrue, but it is, at least, still hard currency. Bycomparison, our own economy is so leveraged that eachso-called dollar is really backed by three trillionactual dollars of actual debt. It is to make thispoint that I choose to pay all my utilities billswith real, hard semi-trailer cars full of wotwots.

WOLFFCold hard cash.

WOOIf they are refrigerated lorries, yes.

WOLFFAnd you believe this was caused by time travel?

WOOIn this case we know it to be fact. A real estateagent copped to the whole scam. Heres how it works.First you need to convince everybody that prices aregoing to rise so you get some real frenzied activity

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


38/89

CONTINUED: 36.

WOO (contd)in the market. It does cause prices to rise a littlebit due to the increased demand. But to get a reallygood year on year growth what you do is go forward intime and sell futures of houses at current prices,plus commission.

WOLFFCould you clarify that?

WOOOkay, next year prices are up 10 percent, right? Justassume its true. So you buy a house now, then travelforward in time and sell the house to an investor"off the plan". That means that you promise to givethem the house the year after, when it is finished.They are happy with that, because they only want toflip it in a year when it goes up again. You get the

ten percent plus commission. Then imagine theirdelight when you turn up with an investor from theyear after that, meaning that they can turn theirprofit immediately. You get a commission again. Andby continually drawing forward this demand, you cankeep raking in commissions while the investors keepflipping the house for the capital gains. Of course,that tends to drag up the price of similar houses.

WOLFFSo it is a Ponzi scheme.

WOO

Kind of, except that in a Ponzi scheme you need freshsuckers to pay off the existing "investors". In theelastic space-time asset bubble commission scheme youonly need two investors, continually flipping thehouse to each other for ten percent gains while youget a commission on each transaction.

WOLFFIsnt that unsustainable?

WOOIn fact it is. But the elastic nature of space-time

allows you to get away with it for quite some timebefore it all blows up.

WOLFFRight then. I think that is clear enough. Now whatcan you tell us about Benjamin Greenbelt? Was he atime-traveler?

WOOOf course, he invented the time machine.


(CONTINUED)


39/89

CONTINUED: 37.

WOOAccording to his patent application anyway.

FITZCLOUGHObjection your noodle. There is no such patentapplication at the patent office. I checked.

WOOAh but there is at the department of patents at theSociety for Evil Geniuses, Mad Scientists andMortgage Brokers.

WOLFF(producing a document:) And is this a copy of saidapplication?

WOOI believe it is.

WOLFFThank you. Your witness.

FITZCLOUGHWould you like a glass of water?

WOOYes, I am thirsty.

FITZCLOUGHThe witness seems confused. We are in a park, not inthe courtroom. Theres no water out here.

WOOTheres a pond.

FITZCLOUGHDo you know what frogs do in there? No thank you.

WOOWell you offered.

FITZCLOUGHAm I on trial here? No sir. Just who do you think you

are, anyway?

WOOIm Dr. Woo.

FITZCLOUGHThat is who you are. Im asking who you think youare. Eh?

WOOI dont -

(CONTINUED)


40/89

CONTINUED: 38.

FITZCLOUGHDo you think you are Who? Dr. Who? Eh?

WOOOf course not. I think I am Woo, which I am.

FITZCLOUGHDid you never ask yourself "who am I"?

WOOOf course. All scientists at some point -

FITZCLOUGHThen turned it around, removing punctuation to arriveat "who I am"?

WOOYes, but -

FITZCLOUGHAnd finally, dropping all common terms and solvingfor x, with a shriek of glee, a fiendish cackle and acry of "Eureka!" you prance around the lab shouting"Im Dr. Who! Im Dr. Who!"

WOO(aghast:) I never did that.

FITZCLOUGH(pulls a video tape from his pocket)

Perhaps this will refresh your memory. Surveillance

footage. We have it right here on this... probablyone hundred year old video tape. Shall we play it forthe court?

WOONo! Alright, I admit it. But all scientists do thatnow and again.

WOLFFObjection! Your nibbles, we were not notified of thisevidence.

FITZCLOUGHThats because it isnt evidence. Its just an oldtape. Very old.

WOOYou... you were bluffing?

FITZCLOUGHThats right.

WOOWow. Well played.

(CONTINUED)


41/89

CONTINUED: 39.

FITZCLOUGHThank you. Your turnip, I move that the testimony ofthis witness be stricken from the record as he isclearly unreliable, thirsty and confused.

JUDGE CLACKER

Overruled. Hes an interesting character. Ask himmore about this housing investment opportunity - er,I mean scam.

FITZCLOUGH(sighs)

Very well. Dr. Woo, you seem to know a lot about thehousing market. Do you also know much aboutfurnishings?

WOOWell, Im an armchair expert.

FITZCLOUGHI thought so. Soft furnishings.

WOOUpholstered, yes.

FITZCLOUGHSo you know all about cushions.

WOOCushions?

FITZCLOUGHBless you! Now then, as to the housing market, mostof the numbers youve given us relate tofree-standing houses. How would you rate the marketfor apartments?

WOOFlat.

FITZCLOUGHWhat about for houseboats?

WOOBuoyant.

FITZCLOUGHCaravans?

WOORolling along nicely.

FITZCLOUGHTents?

(CONTINUED)


42/89

CONTINUED: 40.

WOONeed support.

FITZCLOUGHTowers?

WOOOn the up and up.

FITZCLOUGHStudios?

WOOA sound investment.

FITZCLOUGHGranny flat?

WOO (shakes his head)Just super.

FITZCLOUGHPark bench?

WOOFine, with cushions.

FITZCLOUGHCushions?

WOOBless you! Ha ha!

FITZCLOUGHWell played. What about holiday houses at the beach?

WOONo dice. According to my calculations on rising sealevels, theyll all need to be restumped and raisedby...

(he pulls out a calculator and doessome math)

... roughly three hundred and seventy five meters.

FITZCLOUGHSo let us get this straight. The property market isirrational.

WOOIt is a theater of the absurd.

WOLFFLike this one.

(CONTINUED)


43/89

CONTINUED: 41.

JUDGE CLACKERCounsel?

WOLFFSorry... objection!

JUDGE CLACKEROn what grounds?

WOLFFLike this one!


FITZCLOUGHBut you cant think Mr. Greenbelt had anything to dowith the housing bubble.

WOOI wouldnt wish to speculate on that.

Pause.

FITZCLOUGHTouche. Permission to treat as hostile?

JUDGE CLACKEROkay.

FITZCLOUGH

Youre a jerk. Nothing further.

JUDGE CLACKERThe witness is excused.

BAILIFF leads WOO away. Enter a JOGGER, puffedand checking his watch.

JOGGERWhats all this? Trying to jog here.

JUDGE CLACKER

A bit of al fresco justice.

JOGGERMafioso, is he?

JUDGE CLACKERWho?

JOGGERAl Fresco.

JUDGE CLACKERNo, it just means outside.

(CONTINUED)


44/89

CONTINUED: 42.

JOGGERThe law.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat?

JOGGEROutside the law. This guy, Frisco Al or whatever.

Enter two AUNTIES pushing a pram.

JUDGE CLACKERNo, were just holding the trial outdoors.

JOGGER(to the AUNTIES)

Does that make sense to you? Trying outdoors insteadof outlaws?

AUNTIE 1What is, dear?

JOGGERThese guys are holding a trial.

AUNTIE 2Ooh! A trial? Ill try some!

AUNTIE 1Well all try it. What have you got, sweetie?

JOGGERIt isnt that sort of trial. You know, a court case.Some mafia don called Frisco Al.

AUNTIE 1Sounds dangerous.

AUNTIE 2Yes, Id try him.

(they cackle.)

AUNTIE 1

You know who I would try?

AUNTIE 2Who, darling.

AUNTIE 1That Baskin-Robbins.

AUNTIE 2Oh, yes. Frightfully naughty. And Homer Hudson too.

(they cackle and start to leave. Thebaby starts crying. The AUNTIES stopto coo and cluck a bit and the cryingdies down.)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


45/89

CONTINUED: 43.

AUNTIE 2 (contd)Theyre so adorable when they cry.

AUNTIE 1So true. Pinch her thighs a little bit more.

AUNTIE 2 pinches the baby and the cries pick up.Satisfied, they leave.

JOGGERI better get on too. If something interrupts myexercise I ...

(glances at his watch)... oh no!

WOLFFWhat is it?

JOGGER (clutching his chest:)Heart rate... dropped below... one twenty. Must ...make it... to gym...

The JOGGER collapses, dead. WOLFF checks hispulse.

WOLFFHes dead.

FITZCLOUGHI wonder who Jim is.

WOLFFProbably his cardiologist.

FITZCLOUGHHm. Maybe.

JUDGE CLACKERThere are too many distractions out here. The birdsand the bees, cackling old aunties and dying joggers.Well take a short intermission and resume indoors.

Enter RING GIRL bearing a single card. It reads:

INTERMISSION

Lights out.


46/89

44.

ACT II

Scene 1

An empty stage. Enter RING GIRL, carrying herscene cards. They read:

ACT 2, SCENE 1

THE TRIAL CONTINUES...

...THE DEFENCE...

...WITNESSES...

AH STUFF THIS.

After showing that last card she throws the

cards away and storms out.

Enter HINES, patting his pockets.

HINESDid I leave my notebook here?

(He notices that nobody is there.)Um... court guys? I...

(He notices the audience.)Oh...

(He starts backing out slowly.)Ill just... be going...

(He turns around and runs out.)

Enter GOSPER, playing Kermit the Frog.

GOSPERAnd now, back by popular demand, the threecomputernerds. Yay...

(he exits)

Enter the three nerds.

NERD 1Who was that? Did you hear someone?

NERD 2No.

NERD 3It wasnt me.

NERD 1I know, it was someone else.

NERD 3Its just that you always blame me.

(CONTINUED)


47/89

CONTINUED: 45.

NERD 1I dont mean that. I heard someone speak.

NERD 2It could have been you then. Youre always trying tospeak.

NERD 3Im learning. Its harder than it sounds.

NERD 2Thats true but you are a slow learner.

NERD 3Your motherboard.

NERD 1[raising a hand] Ssh! Now did you hear that?

NERD 2I heard you say shoosh.

NERD 3I thought I heard someone giggle. Maybe it wasGosper.

NERD 1What do you mean?

NERD 3Hes meant to be coming.

NERD 2Whos Gosper?

NERD 3Who isnt Gosper?

NERD 1Shh!

[FX: Gunshot]

[NERD 1 has been shot in the arm. He clutchesat it. The other nerds crouch down looking forthe source of the shot]

NERD 1Owww! My arm!

NERD 2Whos shooting?

NERD 3Who isnt shooting?

[FX- Gunshot]

(CONTINUED)


48/89

CONTINUED: 46.

[NERD 3 has been shot in the chest and diesimmediately]

NERD 2Ah. Help! Murder! Haa-alp!

[Enter Gosper, carrying a pistol]

GOSPERThat wont do you any good.

NERD 2Says you. Help!

NERD 1Alright number two. Listen, whoever you are, justtake what you want and let us go.

NERD 2There you go, bossy to the end.

NERD 1What?

NERD 2Forget it. (To GOSPER:) Just finish him off and letus go.

GOSPERThats funny. Nobody is going anywhere.

NERD 2Im nobody! I am. He is always saying so.

NERD 1I am not.

NERD 2Are.

NERD 1I said you were nothing.

NERD 2Yeah. Remember what I told you? How nothings sacred?

NERD 1Yeah that was funny.

GOSPERDo you know what? You guys arent funny at all. Youjust arent working out for me.

NERD 1What do you mean?

(CONTINUED)


49/89

CONTINUED: 47.

GOSPERI mean BANG!

(he shoots NERD 1 and yells "BANG!" atthe same time. NERD 1 dies quickly.)

NERD 2

(with hands up)Why are you doing this?

GOSPERGood help is hard to find.

GOSPER shoots NERD 2 who dies slowly anddramatically.

Enter HINES, gun drawn.

HINES

Okay dont move!

GOSPERGreat. Clouseau the Younger. I had to break thefourth wall, the time barrier and every rule in thebook to get rid of you. Now youre back, or at leastyou will have been back.

HINESAlright citizen I will need to ask you to cease anddesist with the inane chatter.

GOSPER

Cease and desist you.

HINES(Surveying the scene:)

Whats it all about, eh? Whyd you do it? Was itself-defence? Start talking, if I was you. Anddont... dont... line.

GOSPERSpare the horses.

HINES

Thats right, dont spare the horses. Wait a sec, howdid you know what I was going to say?

GOSPERI always imagined that you would be a bit more... Idont know. Prim.

HINESI find you confusing and a bit frightening. Holdstill for a moment.

(He searches for his notebook in vain,holding his gun with his armpit.)

(CONTINUED)


50/89

CONTINUED: 48.

GOSPERHere, use this one.

GOSPER hands HINES a notebook. HINES accepts itand starts writing, gun still clamped in hisarmpit.

HINESLets see now, boilerplate, boilerplate, time anddate. Umm...

GOSPER(Looks at his watch and gives thecorrect time.)

HINESOf the...

GOSPER (Gives the correct date.)

HINESThank you. Umm... I, Constable Hines, blah blah...mischief afoot, or feet, never quite sure,boilerplate etcetera, gunfire etcetera.Boilerplate... a... strange man. Blah blah, middleaged blah blah etcetera. Estimate two to four deadbodies, cause of death unknown, possibly plague.

Meanwhile Gosper has started to walk off,shaking his head sadly.

Wait, you!

GOSPERWhy, whats the point.

HINESThere will be plenty of time for you to explore yourexistential woes down at the station.

GOSPERWhat, the petrol station?

HINESWhat?

GOSPERWhat? Theres no station. Check the catalogue.

HINESThe...?

GOSPERRead your script. We never get there.

(CONTINUED)


51/89

CONTINUED: 49.

HINESJust wait a minute. Im trying to figure this.

GOSPERYoull never figure it. You dont get to. I onlyallow you to continue bumbling your way through scene

after scene after scene, oblivious to reality,towards your pre-ordained doom.

HINESDoom? Could you clarify that? It sounds ominous.

GOSPER(Walking up to HINES)

Alright, Ill explain it for you, since you insist onbeing so thick-headed.

(He points out the audience.)See them?

(HINES looks at the audience. GOSPERslaps him.)

HINESWhat was that for?

GOSPERSnap out of it. Its over. Theyre pulling the plug.

HINESLine.

GOSPER

Im not an actor though. Im ex -

HINESExtemporising! Yes!

GOSPERYou are as thick as two bricks. Dont you get it?Its game over.

HINESOh, its no game. You are in some serious trouble,young man.

GOSPERI give up.

GOSPER starts to leave.

HINESStop! Stop!

HINES shoots at GOSPER but GOSPER ignores it.Suddenly GOSPER turns and points his finger likea pretend gun. He "shoots".

(CONTINUED)


52/89

CONTINUED: 50.

GOSPERBANG!

HINES dies slowly and dramatically.Still the best at that, I have to admit.

Enter RING GIRL.

RING GIRLLadies and gentlemen, Sir John Gielgud!

GOSPERIm not Gielgud.

RING GIRLWhat?

GOSPERIm not even a knight, not yet.

RING GIRLBut Gielguds supposed to be in this isnt he? TheDaily Schlockpile said it was a Gielgud comedy.

GOSPERIt said feelgood comedy, and the only reason it saidthat was because I wrote the article myself.

RING GIRLI must have misheard. I have all the papers read tome because I -

GOSPER- cant actually read. I know. I wrote you that way.Charmingly dumb. You dont mind, do you?

RING GIRLActually it seems awfully clever. I dont reallyunderstand it though.

GOSPERDont worry, its overrated, understanding. Shall we?

They exit arm in arm.

RING GIRLYou really are an evil genius.

GOSPERI wouldnt lay claim to being a genius.

RING GIRLEvil?

GOSPERJust lucky, I guess.

Lights out.


53/89

51.

SCENE 2

A bare stage. JUDGE CLACKER, BAILIFF, WOLFF ANDFITZCLOUGH stand facing the audience.

WOLFF

Where are we? Not another mind-meld?

JUDGE CLACKERI dont think so. They usually feel a bit more, Idont know. Mind-y. And meldy.

FITZCLOUGHI agree. They are hard to describe but you cansomehow tell when you are in one.

JUDGE CLACKEROh yes, and theres usually a Ring Girl. Wheres the

Ring Girl?

BAILIFFThats true, I miss seeing the Ring Girl.

JUDGE CLACKERRing Girl! Ring Girl. Ring Girl? Oh well. There mustbe some reason why we are here.

WOLFFI can imagine one.

JUDGE CLACKER

Whats that?

WOLFFIsnt it obvious? Greenbelt has trapped us here inone of his vortex thingies.


JUDGE CLACKERLook stop that. theres no point, is there?

FITZCLOUGHAlright but it isnt Greenbelt. Vortexes are notreally his cup of... he couldnt vortex his way outof a... its a bit too much sand for his... Ifanything it might be Gosper.

JUDGE CLACKERMaybe you should tell us what you know about thisGosper character.

FITZCLOUGHThats just it. He isnt a character. Not like us,anyway.

(CONTINUED)


54/89

CONTINUED: 52.

JUDGE CLACKERFor the laymen?

FITZCLOUGHHes bland, hes... two dimensional. Hes like anarchetype or something.

BAILIFFArchetype?

FITZCLOUGHHes like the essence of... the Author.

FX: Jungle drums.

BAILIFFYou mean like hes a god or something?

FITZCLOUGHNot exactly, but he is handsome, I mean stop it!Narcissistic.

BAILIFFNasty...

FITZCLOUGHVain. Glorious. Stop it! Vainglorious. I... get outof my head! I cant... I mean, no, I love him. Onceyou have felt his power you just have to... umm...take it door to door...

FITZCLOUGH trails off, an idiotic grin on hisface.

JUDGE CLACKERAnd Greenbelt?

FITZCLOUGHWell look. Greenbelts just this guy, you know?

WOLFFSo what, you expect us to just stand around in thisvortex and, what?

JUDGE CLACKERWait?

WOLFFFor him? For Gosper?

FITZCLOUGHI dont know. It wasnt my idea.

BAILIFFSeems like were always waiting around for something.Why not Gosper?

(CONTINUED)


55/89

CONTINUED: 53.

WOLFFNo! I mean, yes and no. Theres something elsetroubling me, something that I cant quite put myfinger on.

BAILIFFAbout the Ring Girl?

WOLFFNo. Whats with you?

BAILIFFWell, Im nineteen.

WOLFFOh I see. Carry on. No I mean about this vortex, orwhatever.

JUDGE CLACKER

Well take your time.

WOLFFWe were sent for.

FITZCLOUGHYes, Gosper sent for us.

WOLFFHe sent us up.

FITZCLOUGHHe sold us out.

WOLFFYes! He did for us!

FITZCLOUGHTo be precise: we are done for.

JUDGE CLACKERAlright thats enough of that tintinnabulation.

WOLFFCant you feel it? That sense of...

FITZCLOUGHCompulsion?

WOLFFYes. Determinism.

JUDGE CLACKERNonsense. I believe in free will.

WOLFFFree? As in free beer? Or a free lunch? Because

TANSTAFL, you know. There

(CONTINUED)


56/89

CONTINUED: 54.

FITZCLOUGHAint.

WOLFFNo.

FITZCLOUGHSuch.

WOLFFThing.

FITZCLOUGHAs.

WOLFFA.

FITZCLOUGH

Free.

WOLFFLunch.

FITZCLOUGHI didnt know you knew that.

WOLFFOh yes, Ive been saying it for years.

FITZCLOUGH

Shall we discuss it further? Lets do lunch.

WOLFFGood idea. My shout.

FITZCLOUGH and WOLFF exit arm in arm.

JUDGE CLACKERWell they managed to escape.

BAILIFFThey seem quite smitten.

JUDGE CLACKERYes, no doubt they are off to crash the economy byhaving babies instead of apartments. Shall we try it?

BAILIFFIm not sure I...

JUDGE CLACKERI mean to escape. Yes?

They march toward the wing arm in arm but arewheeled around by the force of the vortex. They

try the opposite direction but the same thinghappens.

(CONTINUED)


57/89

CONTINUED: 55.

JUDGE CLACKERWell that didnt work.

BAILIFFMaybe if we try on the spot, then we might getsomewhere.

JUDGE CLACKERIt makes an insane kind of sense.

BAILIFFMore insane than sense but lets try.

They march on the spot.Is it working?

JUDGE CLACKER(looking around)

Well we are getting somewhere, but no more so.

BAILIFFAssuming we were somewhere before.

JUDGE CLACKERSine qua non.

BAILIFFQua qua qua what?

JUDGE CLACKERLatin. Qua qua qua non non no better off than wewere.

BAILIFFI still didnt get the hey nonny nonny bit.

JUDGE CLACKERI suppose they dont teach Latin anymore.

BAILIFFOnly Igpay Atinlay.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat?

BAILIFFThats all the latino I know. Oh and cerveza. Porfavor. Un, dos. Dos Cervezas.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat?

BAILIFFDos cervezas por favor!

Enter a Spanish waiter carrying two bottles of

beer on a tray.

(CONTINUED)


58/89

CONTINUED: 56.

WAITERSi senor. Aqui estan tus cervezas.

They take the beers and he exits.

JUDGE CLACKERWell he made it out okay.

BAILIFFHe made out fine.

JUDGE CLACKERI wonder why. What is the significance of the waiter?

BAILIFFMaybe we should serve drinks.

JUDGE CLACKERYes, I... No! Maybe we should wait.

BAILIFFJust wait? Thats it? Wait for what?

JUDGE CLACKERI dont know. Maybe something will happen.

They stare out over the audience.

BAILIFFNothing ever does.

They drink their beers.What was that?

JUDGE CLACKERWhat?

BAILIFFI thought I heard something.

JUDGE CLACKERIt could have been him. He might be coming, finally.

BAILIFF

Does he have to come?

JUDGE CLACKERHe said he would. At least I think he did. When hesent for us. The years have not been kind to me. Ah,I used to have such vim.

(points toward the audience (the 4thwall))

I could have kicked down that wall and we could havegot out of here! Now I just have gray hair and anendless thirst.

They drink their beers.

(CONTINUED)


59/89

CONTINUED: 57.

BAILIFFAt least we have beer.

JUDGE CLACKERBut no justice. Beer but no justice, that is thehuman condition in a nutshell. Just us.

BAILIFFChin up old man, I mean your whiskers.

JUDGE CLACKERI used to get some respect around here. It was always"Your Worship" when I had my judging mojo flowing.Now its something new every time.

BAILIFFI thought that was odd. I was just copying everyoneelse.

JUDGE CLACKERThere must have been a point, a moment where Istopped caring. I used to run a tight ship! I think Istopped caring.

BAILIFFWell youre still one up on me. I never cared.


JUDGE CLACKERYou must care about something.

BAILIFFNo, not really.

JUDGE CLACKERLife, love, work, money, something.

BAILIFFMeh.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat are you, a Buddhist?

BAILIFFNo. I was raised Apathetic Agnostic.

JUDGE CLACKERWhats that all about?

BAILIFFI dont really know and I dont really care.

JUDGE CLACKERSounds just right for you then.


(CONTINUED)


60/89

CONTINUED: 58.

BAILIFFSo we just seriously wait for Gosper to show up orsomething.

JUDGE CLACKERI suppose so. I... wait a minute! Of course!

BAILIFFWhat?

JUDGE CLACKERI do know some Spanish. Cuenta. Cuenta por favor!

Enter the Spanish waiter bearing the tray. Hetakes the bill from the tray and after they puttheir bottles on the tray he hands the bill toJUDGE CLACKER and leaves.

BAILIFF

Whats that?

JUDGE CLACKERLa cuenta. The bill. Thats all I got from my trip toArgentina all those years ago. That and the tango.

BAILIFFHell show up. He just has to.

JUDGE CLACKERWhy?

BAILIFFI dont know, i just feel it. Somethings got togive.

JUDGE CLACKERDoes it have to?

BAILIFFThere must be something we can do. Dont you believein free will anymore?

JUDGE CLACKERI do, so what?

BAILIFFSo do something. Get us out of here.

JUDGE CLACKERI dont know what else to try.

BAILIFFWell try something. Do something unexpected.

JUDGE CLACKERAlright, Ill give a little speech. Nobody would

expect that.

(CONTINUED)


61/89

CONTINUED: 59.

BAILIFFIs that the best youve got? I could do better thanthat.

He starts mime-pounding on the 4th wall.If only I could smash through this... force... field.

Its like a force field.

JUDGE CLACKER(Mimes pressing his palms against thewall)

More like a force wall.

BAILIFFThats it! I know what it is! Its the fourth wall.We studied them in school.

JUDGE CLACKER

The fourth wall.

BAILIFFTheyre designed to keep actors distracted so we canstudy them. This one seems to be malfunctioning.

JUDGE CLACKERYou mean like a television screen?

BAILIFFAlmost exactly like one. That means there could beactors behind there, if only they could hear us.

They both start pounding on the "wall".

JUDGE BAILIFFHelp! Help!

JUDGE CLACKERIts no use. Theyll never hear us.

BAILIFFEven if they could, they might not help us. Actors.Theyre a cowardly lot.

JUDGE CLACKERWeak?

BAILIFFIndifferent. Too self-absorbed to be of assistance toa real person.

JUDGE CLACKERI heard that asking for your money back can sometimeshelp.

(CONTINUED)


62/89

CONTINUED: 60.

BAILIFFMaybe on pay-TV but I doubt it will help us. This isalmost definitely free-to-air.

JUDGE CLACKERHow can you tell?

BAILIFFIts the quality of the programming.

JUDGE CLACKERTheres nothing for it then. Well just have to waitit out.

BAILIFFIts so boring!

JUDGE CLACKER

We could play cribbage.

BAILIFFHow do you play it?

JUDGE CLACKERWell we need a deck of cards and something to keepscore.

BAILIFFWell, no cards, so i guess thats out.

JUDGE CLACKER

We could try to play it in our heads. We can do anopen hand until you get the hang of it. See, Imimagining that Im shuffling the deck.

Pause.

BAILIFFWell?

JUDGE CLACKERYou have to cut.

BAILIFFIt just wont do, its just not good enough. Its notjust boredom anymore, its real! Tangible.

(he pants.)I think Im having a panic attack.

JUDGE CLACKERI just got two for his heels. Now its your turn.

BAILIFFIts palpable. Im scared.

(CONTINUED)


63/89

CONTINUED: 61.

JUDGE CLACKERSo then you peg it like this...

BAILIFFI need my Ventolin!

(he wheezes)

I...

JUDGE CLACKEREveryone has problems. Its your turn.

BAILIFF cant breathe and clutches at his chest.That was naive, you see. I get fifteen for two. Areyou going to concentrate or not?

BAILIFF dies in a heap. JUDGE CLACKER finallyrealises that something is wrong.

It does feel a bit mind-meldy in here. Is this my

mind? Im sure that explains most of it. Smush! Ineed my lollies.(he takes a vial from his pocket andshakes it: empty.)

Im out of lollies. If only I had a broom so I couldtidy up this mess.

(he means BAILIFFs corpse.)But whats the point, anyway? Asthmas notcontagious, is it? I had a list of things that are,things to watch out for. I used to have a lot oflists like that, like the one for going out. EveryoneI knew, their faces and names. Heh heh. The other onewith my name and address on it for those nights on

the jolly juice, eh? But I dont think asthma was onthere. If he had herpes, now that would be somethingto watch out for. Or geometric progression, you dontwant that. Those were the main two... Mother alwayssaid, dont french-kiss girls with cold sores andstay away from creaking, groaning corpses that growin an alarming manner. You arent growing are youboy? I hope not. Brrr. Makes me shudder. Is it coldin here?

FX: A creaking, groaning sound.What was that? I heard a noise. Could it finally be

Stoppard, I mean Gosper, at last? Or does he havemore lunacy for me to endure? He has to show upeventually. Its his tour de force. His masterpiece.His day in the sun. He just has to show up.

(He mime-pushes the 4th wall.)Maybe hes out there. In a cushy seat, eh? Hey! Iwant out! I cant take it anymore! I need my lollies!

Enter SARAH, carrying a futuristic assaultrifle. A nerf cannon would be ideal.

SARAHThats enough.

(CONTINUED)


64/89

CONTINUED: 62.

JUDGE CLACKERSaved by the belle!

(He notices the gun)Nelly!

SARAH

Its Sarah.

JUDGE CLACKERSarah, thank Gosper. I mean God, I was gettingworried. Stuck in this vortex or whatever, without myjustice lollies. Smush!

SARAHJustice lollies?

JUDGE CLACKERYes. Xanax, zoloft, prozac, valium and MDMA. They

keep me focused on justice and more able to cope withthe irritations of working with lawyers all day.

SARAHArent they all anti-psychotic meds?

JUDGE CLACKERYes, you would say that, wouldnt you? As if I neededany more proof... all trying to make me... to get meto take those things.

SARAHWell I think you might need them.

JUDGE CLACKEROf course I need them! Who are you anyway?

SARAHI told, you, its Sarah. Sarah Connor.

JUDGE CLACKERNot Spooky Connor, the terminator exterminator?

SARAH(wincing)

Thats what they call me.

JUDGE CLACKERYour friends do.

SARAHDo what?

JUDGE CLACKERSarah, but my friends call me Spooky.

SARAHYouve got some strange friends.

(CONTINUED)


65/89

CONTINUED: 63.

JUDGE CLACKERI meant you.

SARAH(coldly:) Im not your friend.

JUDGE CLACKER(taking an interest in the gun:) That is animpressive piece of hardware.

SARAH(warmly:) This, my friend, is the Metric Halo VortexBuster 3000. It packs a mean wallop. It has morefunctions than a cell phone, most of them lethal.

JUDGE CLACKERIs it street-legal?

SARAHIts street-lethal. In fact it was designed by Lethalhimself.

JUDGE CLACKERThat psychopath?

SARAHThats right, Lethal Leigh Matthews, the EssendonBomber. Designed it for us cheap, too. Only twocartons of cigarettes and a prepaid Virgin mobile.

JUDGE CLACKER

Thats horrible!

SARAHLook, its just business. Do you want the machines towin?

JUDGE CLACKERIm not sure I...

SARAHWere at war here, Mister! Its hard-headed decisionslike that that keep you alive in your bed at night.

Leighs lung cancer, his SMS addiction, just pricesthat had to be paid.

JUDGE CLACKERI suppose.

SARAHYou suppose so? You suppose so. Oh. Alright then.

JUDGE CLACKERIm having a rough trot. Smush!

(CONTINUED)


66/89

CONTINUED: 64.

SARAHSomething you ate?

JUDGE CLACKERNo, Im just having a tough time with this case.

SARAHWhat case? Where? Was there a case? Nobody touch it.

JUDGE CLACKERCourt case. Im Judge Clacker.

SARAHOh. Whos on trial?

JUDGE CLACKERNo, Who isnt.

(he sighs.)

I doubt anyone can make sense of it now.

SARAHI bet youre right.

JUDGE CLACKERNobody would take that bet! Smush! All our money istied up in real estate and we cant even bet on asure thing!

SARAHIsnt real estate as safe as houses?

JUDGE CLACKEROr is it a house of cards?

SARAHHows that?

JUDGE CLACKERNot out! Smush!

SARAHYou arent making a lot of sense, especially thesmush bit.

JUDGE CLACKERIts my lollies, I needs my lolly.

(he growls at her.)Smush! Grrr.

SARAHYou better back off before I smush you with thisoversized novelty nerf gun.

JUDGE CLACKERI thought it was a -

(CONTINUED)


67/89

CONTINUED: 65.

SARAHIm being real here for a second.

JUDGE CLACKERI get it. I get it.

SARAHThis thing will smush a hole in you the size ofUranus.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat are you, eight?

SARAHJust keep your distance, okay?

(she gestures at the corpse)Who is that?

JUDGE CLACKER

Clerk of the court.

SARAHWhats he doing? Sleeping?

JUDGE CLACKERHe might be dead, smush! he smush!

(clears his throat)He had an attack.

SARAH(looking around in alarm)

Attack? Theyre here already?

JUDGE CLACKERWho?

SARAHThe rowboats.

JUDGE CLACKERWhat?

SARAHRowboats from the future. Theyll stop at nothing.

JUDGE CLACKER(looks confused)

Are you right?

SARAHIsnt it?

(she peers offstage)Line?

STAGE MANAGER(loudly from offstage:)

Robots!

(CONTINUED)


68/89

CONTINUED: 66.

SARAH(back to business)

Okay its robots not rowboats. That does answer a fewquestions I was going to raise at the next scriptmeeting!

(those last two words were loud anddirected at STAGE MANAGER.)

JUDGE CLACKERIm lost, lost. Im all at sea.

SARAH(leveling the gun at him)

In a rowboat?

JUDGE CLACKER(holding two imaginary weights)

Sense, nonsense. Sense, I think, prevailed here atone time. I had right. I had weight. Smush.

SARAH(starts talking to a device on herwrist)

Getting maudlin here now...

JUDGE CLACKER(hefts left and right fist in turn)

The iron will. The kind word.(he punches the air with "the kindword")

Smush!

SARAH(as though he had said "shush")

Dont smush me when Im talking.

JUDGE CLACKERSmush! Smush!

SARAHStop it. Stop!

JUDGE CLACKERSmush it. Smush!

Pause.

SARAHSmush it!

JUDGE CLACKERStop it!

SARAH(to her wrist device:)

He seems to be regressing. Hes barely eight years

old anymore.

(CONTINUED)


69/89

CONTINUED: 67.

JUDGE CLACKERYou are.

SARAHPractically all he can say is "smush".

JUDGE CLACKERI want my zoloft.

SARAH... which could mean shush or maybe smash.

JUDGE CLACKERI need my xanax...

SARAHPossibly both...

JUDGE CLACKER

... Ritalin for my HDTV...

SARAH... Or even more possibly neither...

JUDGE CLACKEREven a jelly baby! Proloft? Panax?

SARAH... Hard to say, probably unimportant.

JUDGE CLACKER

(trying to claw at her:) Picodin? Pachyderm? Placebo?Peri-peri? Well what do you have?

SARAH(Brushing him away:) Nothing! Back off, creepy olddude. My agent never said nothing about this.

JUDGE CLACKERHelp me, I want my Mummy.

SARAH(to her wrist:) He definitely has geometricregression, worst case I have seen. Ill try and get

him back on task. Hey! Judge! Can you try and focusfor a second?

JUDGE CLACKER... Smush?

SARAHGroans. How am I supposed to clear that addled oldpickle-barrel he calls a mind?

(pause)Well? Line?

Pause.

(CONTINUED)


70/89

CONTINUED: 68.

STAGE MANAGER(from offstage)

She exposes her breasts!

SARAH.Hm. What?

STAGE MANAGERShe exposes her breasts!

SARAHI dont think so. What else have you got?

STAGE MANAGER enters, brandishing a script.

STAGE MANAGERHow many times, Ella?

SARAHIts Sarah.

STAGE MANAGERIm being real for a second.

SARAHIm in character.

JUDGE CLACKERSmush!

STAGE MANAGER

Brew.

SARAHWhat?

STAGE MANAGERHes meant to say "brew".

SARAHWhy?

STAGE MANAGER

Look!(waves the script around withoutshowing it to her.)

It says right here in the stage directions thatClacker falls apart more and more during this scene.As well as "smush", he starts saying "brew".

(he consults the script)Lets see... he says "brew", you say "what?", he says"smush". You say, "maybe you could try a new teapot".

SARAHWhat?

(CONTINUED)


71/89

CONTINUED: 69.

JUDGE CLACKERSmush.

SARAHHang on, what? A teapot.

STAGE MANAGERThats right. Mm hmm. Yes, a teapot.

SARAHwhy would I even say that?

JUDGE CLACKERBrew.

SARAHIll brew you.

STAGE MANAGERI dont know. I guess Gosper thought it would befunny.

SARAHWell it isnt.

STAGE MANAGERI dont know, it has something. Brew, teapot. I dontknow.

JUDGE CLACKERI get it! Brew!

SARAHTheres nothing to get! No clever juxtaposition, nodouble entendre, no dissociation of word and meaning,no unexpected twist of logic, not even a wretchedpun! It has none of the elements of comedy at all!

STAGE MANAGERAlright, no need to shout.

JUDGE CLACKERI get it! I get it!

SARAHI get that Gospers lost his marbles.

STAGE MANAGER(snaps his fingers)

Maybe he kept them in a teapot! Eh?

SARAHNo, thats worse.

STAGE MANAGERWeak?

(CONTINUED)


72/89

CONTINUED: 70.

SARAHAmbitious.

JUDGE CLACKERSmush! Brew!

SARAHDoes smush even mean anything?

STAGE MANAGERSure it does. Gosper told me it means "smoosh".

SARAHAs in?

STAGE MANAGERYou know, to moosh things together.

SARAHYou mean mush.

STAGE MANAGERSame same, but different. Like a mashup.

SARAHOh.

JUDGE CLACKERSmush, smush. Brew, brew.

SARAH

Hes getting worse. What can we do?

STAGE MANAGERWell, we could hold a script meeting.

SARAHCant we just get him his meds?

STAGE MANAGERWe could try.

(to random people in the audience)Excuse me sir, do you have any xanax? Madam, could

you spare a zoloft for the bus-ride home? Mate, couldI trouble you for a... no its no use. They seem tohave taken them all already.

SARAHWhy the greedy...

JUDGE CLACKERSmush!

SARAHThat is so selfish.

(CONTINUED)


73/89

CONTINUED: 71.

STAGE MANAGERWe could call an ambulance.

SARAHIll call a cab cause a cabll come quicker.

(she speaks into her wrist device)

Taxi to the Star Theater in Lidcombe please. Name ofSmush.

(she pauses, listening.)Gosper has a taxi booked for Smush? Great. Thank you.

(to JUDGE CLACKER)Seems you have friends in high places. The taxi willbe here surprisingly soon.

Pause.

STAGE MANAGERWell, I -

He is interrupted by the sound of a ships bellringing five times [ding-ding, ding-ding, ding],

possibly other nautical sounds. Enter a row boatwith a taxi sign on it.

TAXI DRIVERTaxi for Smush?

STAGE MANAGERThat was fast.

SARAH

Wait a sec! A rowboat? I knew it!(She opens fire on the boat.)

Evil shape-transforming-shifting ascii-lovinglove-hating rowboat from the future! Die!

TAXI DRIVER(taking cover behind an oar:) Stop! Stop!

JUDGE CLACKERSmush! Smush!

STAGE MANAGER

Hold up, Ella.

SARAH(still shooting:) Overblown toaster!

STAGE MANAGERElla!

TAXI DRIVERStop it! Youre a nut, Ella!

SARAHLike I havent heard that before.

(CONTINUED)


74/89

CONTINUED: 72.

JUDGE CLACKERBrew! Brew!

SARAHShut up!

(She fires a few more rounds at the

boat)

TAXI DRIVER(holds up an oversized propeller)

Its just a prop, Ella!

SARAHThats terrible.

TAXI DRIVER(Holds up an oar)

Oar is it? Eh? Ella?

SARAH

If you havent got a fella,

and your bellys kinda swella,

and you have a funny smella

like a piece of gorgonzella

thats just rife with salmonella

do you think youre Cinderella?

Are you red like a rose, Ella?

Can you dance a tarantella?

Can you play upon a cella

or a jazzy pianella?

do you spray it when you yella?

Will I need a beach umbrella

when Im talking to you Ella?

JUDGE CLACKERI thought it was Sarah.

SARAHI thought it was smush.

STAGE MANAGERMaybe hes having an attack of lucidity.

(CONTINUED)


75/89


76/89

CONTINUED: 74.

(pause)And shes in the nicky nacky noo nah!

SARAHWhat?

STAGE MANAGERShes buck naked!

(pause)Nothing. Hes dead. Get him in the boat.

They bustle BAILIFF over to the boat and manageto get him in.

TAXI DRIVERWhere to then?

STAGE MANAGER

The old mad one, I dont know. Nobody knows where helives. If he has another bout of clarity you can askhim. The young dead one could, in theory, be left outfor the hard rubbish collection. Or in the back rowssomewhere.

TAXI DRIVERRighto.

The taxi/boat exits.

STAGE MANAGERNow where were we?

SARAHIm not flashing my boobs just because you said so.

STAGE MANAGERNot me, its in the script.

SARAHIt isnt!

STAGE MANAGERRight here, look at the stage directions.

SARAHOh, I never read those.

(pause)Line!

STAGE MANAGER(rolling his eyes:) My agent said...

SARAHMy agent said I didnt have to.

(CONTINUED)


77/89

CONTINUED: 75.

STAGE MANAGER(by rote:) Why?

SARAHWell Im not... line.

STAGE MANAGERIn.

SARAHIn... line?

STAGE MANAGERThem.

SARAHThem. Is it? Am I?

STAGE MANAGER(to audience:) Every night.

SARAHThats not right, is it? Every night?

STAGE MANAGEROf course it is.

SARAHDont I say "line" first.

STAGE MANAGER

No, after.

SARAHSo I missed it? Can we go back?

STAGE MANAGERIm afraid it has passed.

SARAHStart from where I say "line" the first time.

STAGE MANAGER

No.

SARAHGo on.

STAGE MANAGERNo.

(Pause. Sarah has missed her cue.)Ill tell my -

SARAHAgent! Ill tell my agent.

(pause)

(CONTINUED)


78/89

CONTINUED: 76.

STAGE MANAGERLine.

SARAHLine!

STAGE MANAGERLine.

SARAHWhat?

STAGE MANAGERYes, Im afraid "line" and "what" is pretty much allyou get to say from now on. Tell that to your agent.

SARAHWhat?

STAGE MANAGERYour agent.

Pause.

SARAH...Line?

STAGE MANAGERWhat again.

SARAHWhat, again?

STAGE MANAGERExactly.

Pause.

SARAHLine?

STAGE MANAGERIve had enough. Script meeting! Script meeting!

At this point the rest of the cast enters exceptfor GOSPER, STOPPARD, IONESCO AND BECKETT. In asmaller troupe where most actors play multipleroles some of the following may be cut. Thespirit of it is that each actor has someobjections to the script regarding their owncharacter(s). The STAGE MANAGER generallydefends the script as written and other actorsalso play devils advocate. I encourage a bit ofad libbing in this scene. I mean more so thanusual. The meeting gets rowdier and rowdieruntil it is pretty much just rhubarb at the

point where GOSPER enters.

(CONTINUED)


79/89

CONTINUED: 77.

STAGE MANAGER(to SARAH:) You have to read the stage directions.

SARAH(Shrugs)

I dont get them.

JUDGE CLACKERSmush? Whats with "smush"?

STAGE MANAGERIts just nonsense. Filler. Like forsooth.

FITZCLOUGHWhat happened to me? What about my witnesses?

WOLFFWe only had lunch.

HINESWhat about me? That was weak.

FITZCLOUGHSolid death sonny.

HINESThank you.

STAGE MANAGERYoure Gospers patsy.

BAILIFFWhy wouldnt I have my puffer on me?

JUDGE CLACKERWhy should you. Does it matter?

TAXI DRIVERIm asthmatic and I always carry mine.

MINISTERPinot Grigio is a nice wine.

STAGE MANAGERSo?

MINISTERThat whole scene needs work anyway.

SHOUNDThe newshound could have had more stage time.

STAGE MANAGERShound is a red herring.

(CONTINUED)


80/89

CONTINUED: 78.

SHOUNDHow dare you.

WOOThe Doctor Who bit is tedious.

JUDGE CLACKERThe whole thing is.

RING GIRLWell I like it.

SARAHYou would.

RING GIRLCow.

STAGE MANAGERThats enough, you two.

NERD 1What hap

Millennium Bug 2 - The Loose Ends Tribunal

Documents

Transcript of Millennium Bug 2 - The Loose Ends Tribunal