Meeting 2: Self-compassion and Family Time

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Table Of Contents

5 Slides and activity sheets

15 Taking the program home

17 Tips & tools

29 Home Practice sheets

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Slides and activity sheets


Welcome

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• How you find comfort

05 mins

Self-care Check-inComforting Activities

15 mins

Self-care Check-inPersonal Goals

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• Self-care o Self-compassion

• Family-care o Family Cycleso Family Time: A tool for

building strong family bonds

01 min

Self-compassion and Family TimeToday’s Group

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01 mins

Self-compassion

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Let Me Be Kind to Myself

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06 mins

I'm going to be

kind to myself.

Click to Play Audio Clip

06 mins

Self-kindness Words

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Video placeholderVideo placeholder

03 mins

Negative Family Cycles

Video placeholderVideo placeholder

03 mins

Positive Family Cycles

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02 mins

Family Time

Helping Children Cope

Rules

Listening

Strong Family Bonds

Self-care

02 mins

Five Building Blocks ofResilient Parenting

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03 mins

• Planned in advance

• Once a week—Every week (A Family Tradition)

• Just the family—people who live with you (not friends or other relatives)

• Activities—not “passivities”

• Children choose (you have veto power)

• An activity everyone can enjoy—it’s FUN!

• 1 – 2 hours • Not expensive• No complaining, fighting or

teasing • No cell phones, tablets or

other distractions

Family Time Rules

Rules for Family Time• Planned in advance• Once a week—every week (a family tradition)• Just the family—people who live with you

(not friends or other relatives) • Activities—not “passivities”• Children choose (you have veto power)• An activity everyone can enjoy—it’s FUN!• 1 – 2 hours • Not expensive• No complaining, fighting or teasing • No cell phones, tablets or other distractions

Watch a great movie at my

friend’s house

Your children decide that your

family should have a picnic at the park

04 mins

What Is and Isn’t Family Time?

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Rules for Family Time• Plan in advance• Once a week—every week

(a family tradition)• Just the family—people who live with

you—not friends or other relatives • Activities—not “passivities”• Children choose (you have veto power)• An activity everyone can enjoy—

it’s FUN!• Not expensive• No complaining, fighting or teasing • No cell phones, tablets or other

distractions

Feedback• What went well?

• What could be better?

15 mins

Group PracticeIntroducing Family Time

1 .5 mins

Introducing Family Time

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03 mins

Home Practice: Family-careWhat You Practice Grows Stronger

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01 min

What You Practice Grows StrongerHome Practice: Self-care

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E Next meeting• More tools for self-care• More tools for strengthening family bonds

Closing ritual

02 mins

Wrap-up

Online Resources01 min

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; Home Practice Sheets

Taking The Program Home

1. Look through Tips and Tools

2. Do one small step of your Personal Goal

3. Do Self-kindness (audio or on your own) and a comforting activity one or more times each week.

4. Introduce Family Time and do it once each week

Complete

and bring to

Meeting 3

Remember… What you practice grows stronger!

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Congratulations on taking an important step to strengthen your family. The effort you’re making now will pay off!

Self-kindness

Self-care Activities

Personal Goal – Small Step What small steps did you take since we last met?

Comforting ActivitiesWhat comforting activities did you do since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------

Once a day Sometimes

-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------

Once or twice since last meeting

Notat All

How often use self-kindness words since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you do your comfort activity since we last met?

How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about the activity.

Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great



How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about these activities.


Write down anything that other parents said during the meeting that you found helpful for your own self-care or family-care activities.

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Family-care Activities Family TimeWhen will you explain Family Time? When is your regular time for Family Time? What did your family do for Family Time?

Week 1: Week 2:

How did it go? Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Name

Have each family member (including you!) choose the face that shows how he/she felt about Family Time.

Did not do

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

(turn in at Meeting 3)

Home Practice SheetMeeting 2 Name

Make a check mark next to each thing that happened in your Family Time.WEEK 1WEEK 1 WEEK 2WEEK 2

Was free or cheapWas at our regular timeChildren got along okChildren chose activityNo cell phones, tablets or other distractionsDid not do

Planned in advanceChildren ChoseDid something active (e.g. played a game) not passive (e.g., watched TV) Included only children and relatives living in your homeWas 1 or 2 hours

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Continued on next page 5

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Tips and Tools

1. Tips for Family Time

2. Family Time: Problems and solutions

3. Ideas for Family Time

4. What other parents say about Family Time

5. Developmental Issues in Strengthening Family Bonds

6. Self-compassion for Bereaved Families

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Tips for Family Time

Set A Regular TimeWhen you set a regular time for Family Time, it shows children that it is an important activity. It’s a good idea to have a backup time because occasionally your regular time won’t work.

Let Children ChooseLetting children decide what to do for Family Time is hard for some parents. However, making decisions as a family is an important skill. Also, letting children decide on the activity is a way to show them that their choices matter. If they choose the activity, they will be more likely to enjoy it. When children choose something you don’t like, you’ll just have to make the best of it. Let them make the choice as long as it’s within the rules. You have veto power if their choice is too expensive or takes too much time.

How To Choose An ActivitySome parents have their children brainstorm lots of activities. Then they put them in a bowl and pick one out each week. To make this work, everyone has to agree to do the activities before they go in the bowl.

Too Few ChoicesAt first it might be hard for children to come up with ideas or they might suggest ideas that cost too much or are not active. If this happens, you can give your children a “menu” to choose from the first couple of times (there are some suggestions on the next page).

Activities For Families With Both Younger And Older ChildrenWhen you have both younger and older children, it is more challenging to come up with an activity that works for everyone. Families in past groups have done activities that have different tasks for children of different ages. For example, if you are making pizza together, an older child can cut up the toppings and a younger child can spread the cheese. Another idea is to do games in teams and have both younger and older members on each team.

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Family Time: Problems and solutions

Family Time is a great way for your family to come together and enjoy each other’s company. It can be a challenge, however, to get everyone in your family to cooperate and to follow the rules of Family Time. The following chart includes common problems families face with Family Time and some possible solutions.

Problems Solutions

Lack of advanced planning

Set up a regular time for Family Time each week and make it a priority.

Something else comes up at the scheduled time

If one family member has a conflict one week and can’t make Family Time, don’t sweat it. Proceed with the activity anyway. If there is an emergency and no one can make Family Time at your scheduled weekly time, reschedule for that week.

Children refuse to do it

Family Time should involve activities that your children really enjoy. If they are refusing to do Family Time, get together as a family and come up with some new ideas that everyone can get on board with.

Children want to bring friends

Explain to your children that you’d like for the family to spend time with just each other. Perhaps work with your children to set up playdates with their friend at another time.

Your non-live-in partner wants to participate

Family Time is a good opportunity for you to bond with your children and other members of your household. Find a different time for your partner to spend time with your children outside of Family Time.

Children choose an expensive activity

It’s important to come up with Family Time activities that are inexpensive so that you can do an activity every week. Present your children with the ideas on page 21 so they have an idea of the kind of activities that are possible for Family Time.

Children fight When your children fight, you might be tempted to end or take away Family Time. Remember that Family Time isn’t a reward and shouldn’t be taken away. Discipline your children as necessary when they fight, but don’t end Family Time!

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Ideas for Family Time

Do an art or craft project

Play board games

Go swimming

Go to the park

Take a walk

Feed ducks at a pond

Go for ice cream

Make paper airplanes

Bake cookies

Work on a puzzle

Have a picnic

Make pizza

Make a home video

Go on a hike

Go bowling

Play Frisbee

Have a BBQ

Go to a museum

Go roller or ice skating

Do hair and make-up

Visit a pet shop

Camp in the backyard

Go on a bike ride

Have a sing-along

Plant some flowers

Play charades

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Family Time gave us that opportunity to invest the time and then to see, because I had results right away for my efforts, putting that time in with her, having a chance to get to know each other, process some of what we were going through together, just by creating that space in our lives for each other.

It gave us something to look forward together that we’d established as a routine, that didn’t involve anyone else, that didn’t involve spending money, like we normally do when we try to do something special. It didn’t involve going to a restaurant or a movie, but creating a special time for us each week and that was something to look forward to and to think of together.

It’s a time that they know I’m going to devote just to them, that they’re important and valued by me and they look forward to that. And in addition, I think that it’s really neat because it’s now a tradition that we created that they’ll be able to look back some day and say, “I remember Family Time and what we used to do with mom.

What other parents say about Family Time

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Developmental Issues in Strengthening Family Bonds

For bereaved families, strengthening the bonds between children and their surviving parent is a critical part of promoting the resilience of grieving children of all ages. The death of a parent is a major loss of an important adult in a child’s life. It also threatens the continuation of a supportive and stable family environment. The tools provided by the Resilient Parenting for Bereaved Families program help strengthen attachment and positive bonding within the family. However, children have very different needs for strong bonds and positive family relationships across infancy and early childhood, middle childhood, and adolescence. Below we describe age differences in the needs for strong family bonds of bereaved children. In addition, we talk about how using the tools of the Resilient Parenting for Bereaved Families program - Family Time, One-on-One Time, and Catch ‘em Doing Good - differ for children of various ages.

YOUNG CHILDREN: TODDLERS AND PRE-SCHOOLERS (BIRTH THROUGH AGE 5)WHAT DO YOUNG CHILDREN NEED FROM THEIR FAMILY BONDS? Toddlers and pre-school children are totally dependent on their parents to meet their needs. How much the parent responds to their needs and gives support and affection greatly impacts children’s ability to develop strong bonds to caregivers. Strong and secure family bonds enable children to explore their world and develop healthy, trusting relationships with others as they grow up. Young children can form important relationships with more than one adult who care for them. The death of one of their parents causes anxiety about their bonds to the surviving parent or other caregivers. In addition to the loss of one of their parents, children can fear that the other parent will also die or will not be able to take care of them. Because the death can cause disruptions in family routines, children may also start to worry about whether their family will continue to be a place in which they can count on their needs being met. As a result of these worries, they may become more dependent, clingy, and needy as well as nervous when being away from their parent or caregiver. The needs of young children for reassurance can be particularly hard for their surviving parent, who may be overwhelmed by their own grief and everything that comes along with picking up the pieces to resume the family life without the parent who died.


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SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN (AGES 6 – 12) WHAT DO SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN NEED FROM THEIR FAMILY BONDS? School age children have an expanded social world involving teachers and peers, but their main source of support and security continues to be their parent, other caregivers, and family. Children at this age are developing and learning about their strengths in a variety of areas such as forming friendships, engaging in learning at school, and developing talents. The development of their abilities is particularly challenging when they are grieving. They may be anxious about separation from their surviving parent. They may find it hard to pay attention at school. They may be teased by friends for not having a father or mother and being different or in some way flawed because of that. At this age, the family remains the main source of support and belonging, so the security of their bond to their parent and positive feelings about their family are very important. When their parent recognizes their good behaviors and promotes their developing skills, it helps build their sense of being capable and having high self-esteem. Parent and family support provides a secure base that helps them deal with stressors they face outside the family.

ADOLESCENTS (AGES 13-18)WHAT DO ADOLESCENTS NEED FROM THEIR FAMILY BONDS? Although family members continue to have an important impact on helping teens develop and grow, outside influences, particularly from peers and friends, become more powerful during adolescence. This is also a time when youth are figuring out who they are in ways that are different from their parents, sometimes straining the relationship between parents and adolescents. Many adolescents struggle to balance how to develop into their own independent selves, while also maintaining strong bonds and feeling connected with their family. A supportive family can help adolescents grow in healthy ways and value what is important to them and their family. It can also help them accept rules and limits that keep them safe and protect them from dangerous and risky behaviors. The death of a parent and all the changes that come after the death can influence how adolescents resolve this struggle between independence and attachment. The death may mean the loss of someone who the adolescent felt very close with, and who supported them in developing good, positive ways of figuring out who they are as a person. Reassurance that their strong bond with the surviving parent or caregiver will continue provides adolescents the security to know that they can become their own person while not losing the support of their family. Adolescence is also a time when youth are able to think in more complex ways and to understand how others think and see situations. This may lead some adolescents to take on extra responsibilities to reduce stress on their surviving parent. The warmth, support, and acceptance of the surviving parent can be critical in helping adolescents maintain their strong bonds with the family during this time of confusion and grief. It can also reduce the level of parent-adolescent conflict that sometimes happens when parents enforce rules and set appropriate limits. A teen’s healthy relationship with their parent can be particularly helpful when the parent understands their increasing needs for autonomy or the ability to manage their own feelings and behaviors and decide what is important for themselves.


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HOW DO TOOLS OF THE RESILIENT PARENTING FOR BEREAVED FAMILIES HELP PARENTS ADDRESS BEREAVED CHILDREN’S NEEDS FOR STRONG FAMILY BONDS?

Three tools of the Resilient Parenting program are particularly helpful in addressing the needs of bereaved children when it comes to strong family bonds: FAMILY TIME, ONE-ON-ONE TIME, AND CATCH ‘EM DOING GOOD.

For pre-school and toddlers, these activities provide positive emotional experiences with the parent that helps them believe that they are loved and supported. It can help them to have a strong bond to their surviving parent. The activities are regular routines, which comforts young children and tells them that they can count on their parents’ support. Family Time provides reassurance that family traditions are going to continue. One-on-One Time and Catch ‘em Doing Good provide positive feedback on regular basis, telling the child that their parent notices their good behaviors and wants to spend time with them. The fact that these are physical activities that occur regularly is a powerful reminder to the child that their family will continue to provide the support they need.

For school age children, the positive bonding experiences of Family Time provide a sense that although their family may be different from their friends and peers, it is a place in which good things can keep happening even after the death. The One-on-One time and Catch ‘em Doing Good provide chances for the parent to notice and celebrate school age children’s developing areas of strength. The stability of these family bonding activities allows school age children to focus on learning their own areas of strength beyond the family, especially at school and with peers.

For adolescents, the family bonding activities help them manage the conflicting needs to maintain their healthy family relationships while also developing into an independent, autonomous person, developing their own sense of what is important to them, making their own friends, and becoming involved in activities outside the family. It is normal and healthy for adolescents to develop this sense of independence and sometimes it leads them to act in ways that seem to push their family away, such as only reluctantly engaging in Family Time and One-on-One Time. However, even reluctant participation helps them maintain a balance between focusing on themselves and being with their families. Regardless of their initial reaction to their parent’s continued requests for spending time together, they will receive the message that they are important and loved, thus helping them maintain a strong bond to their family during this time when they are also building their own independent identity.

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Self-compassion for Bereaved Families

Self-compassion is an important aspect of self-care for bereaved parents as well as other caregivers of bereaved children who are going through stressful or painful times. There are three interacting components of self-compassion.

• Self-Kindness: One aspect is being kind to yourself in a time of stress or grief, rather than being critical or judging yourself harshly. You learned a Self-Kindness activity this week, so we discuss this component in somewhat greater detail below.

• Common Humanity: A second component is understanding that you are not alone in your grief and in the stress you experience in parenting a bereaved child. Grief is experienced by all people following the death of someone they love. It is a normal part of being human and losing someone you love. It is something you share with all of humanity. In this program you will be sharing experiences with other bereaved parents and caregivers.

• Mindfulness: A third component is mindfulness, the ability to be aware of your experience in the present moment, including your painful feelings and thoughts without being overwhelmed by them, criticizing yourself for having them or feeling that you have to run away from them.

• These components complement each other. Self-kindness shows compassion for yourself, similar to the compassion you would show to other people who are going through a hard time, like the other members of this group. Similarly being aware that you share your painful experiences with others allows you to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up over things you do, think or feel. Mindfulness enables you to be aware of your feelings and thoughts in the current moment, with a non-judgemental, accepting attitude. Having this non-judgemental attitude leads naturally to being kind to yourself. Many research studies have found that self-compassion is related to lower feelings of stress, anxiety and depression as well as higher feelings of well-being.


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SELF-KINDNESSIn this meeting you began to learn Self-Kindness – so let’s take a closer look at what it is, what it is not, and how it is helpful.

• Self-Kindness is NOT being selfish and it is not self-pity. It recognizes that you are suffering, allows you to look at your feelings with the healing power of being kind to yourself. You are showing the same kindness to yourself that you would share with a close friend who you really care about. Being kind to yourself also allows you to acknowledge the power of kindness and better able to share it with others who you care about.

• Self-kindness does not deny your pain or run away from it. Rather it generates the desire to alleviate your suffering with kind words that you feel you can really take to heart. By bringing compassion towards your experience, you can soften the pain.

• Self-kindness is not passive. It actively acknowledges that you want to be kind to yourself and provides practical things you can say to convey this sense of kindness to yourself.

• Practice makes it easier to be kind to yourself. This self-kindness activity will be available to you on the website. We encourage you to listen to it as often as you can. It may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice being kind to yourself the easier it will become.

• Self-kindness helps you not be critical of yourself. Bereaved people can sometimes make themselves feel worse by telling themselves that they are not grieving “right” or that they can’t handle it or that they will never feel better. These are not kind things you would say to a close friend

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Home Practice

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Family-care Activities Family TimeWhen will you explain Family Time? When is your regular time for Family Time? What did your family do for Family Time?

Week 1: Week 2:

How did it go? Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Name

Have each family member (including you!) choose the face that shows how he/she felt about Family Time.

Did not do

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

(turn in at Meeting 3)

Home Practice SheetMeeting 2 Name

Make a check mark next to each thing that happened in your Family Time.WEEK 1WEEK 1 WEEK 2WEEK 2

Was free or cheapWas at our regular timeChildren got along okChildren chose activityNo cell phones, tablets or other distractionsDid not do

Planned in advanceChildren ChoseDid something active (e.g. played a game) not passive (e.g., watched TV) Included only children and relatives living in your homeWas 1 or 2 hours

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Congratulations on taking an important step to strengthen your family. The effort you’re making now will pay off!

Self-kindness

Self-care Activities

Personal Goal – Small Step What small steps did you take since we last met?

Comforting ActivitiesWhat comforting activities did you do since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often use self-kindness words since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you do your comfort activity since we last met?





How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about these activities.


Write down anything that other parents said during the meeting that you found helpful for your own self-care or family-care activities.

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Do

Don’t

; Plan ahead

; Let your children choose the activity

; Make sure the activity is active and inexpensive

; Remind your children that they cannot fight

: Include your children’s friends or relatives and new partners who don’t live with you

Remember… Family Time is a way to show your children you enjoy

spending time with them.

Family Time

Reminder Note

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Meeting 2: Self-compassion and Family Time · teasing • No cell phones, tablets or other...

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Transcript of Meeting 2: Self-compassion and Family Time · teasing • No cell phones, tablets or other...