Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

30
MEEKIE MONTHLY Issue 5 June 2007 F R E E ! I t s a s m a d a s a b a d ger G I VE I T S OM E H E AD FREE OMEGA 66 TRACK WITH THIS ISSUE!! Read our exclusive interview with a Hollywood celebrity! C E LE BRIT Y SP E C IA L!

Transcript of Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Page 1: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIE MONTHLY Issue 5 June 2007

FREE!

It’s as mad as a badger

GIVE IT SOME HEAD

FREE

OMEGA 66

TRACK WITH

THIS ISSUE!!

Read our exclusive

interview with a

Hollywood celebrity!

CELEBRITY S

PECIAL!

Page 2: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Editor’s welcome

Dear readers,

Well it’s good to be back. As you

know, last month I was in

hospital having penis reduction

surgery. It was awfully

embarrassing having to tuck it in

my socks all the time. (blush)

So it’s back to business– for

those of you in the UK, summer’s

here and for the lads and

ladettes of the Northern

Hemisphere, time to enjoy the sun. As for me–

well, my family and I are off to West Wales for a

few days– my surgically enhanced wife Brenda

is getting my rubber ring ready for my...erm…

visit to the pool. My young daughter Cindy has

been busy buffing up her ‘Brazilian’ (some kind

of nut I’m guessing) and young

Timmy has been buying some

top-shelf magazines to take with

him. Juggz Ahoy!

Have a great June.

Editor

Royston

MEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2Page 2Page 2Page 2

meekiemonthly

Contact details: [email protected]

Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Cover girl: Holly from Walsall

Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly

Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine.

To subscribe, email [email protected]

A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer Research

www.meekiemonthly.com

Page 3: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Contents Issue 5 June 2007

In this month’s Meekie Monthly:

5. Interesting facts about horses

6. Celebrity Showdown

8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity!

9. Letters page

13. The Lads’ Page– Tits and Beer. Wahay!

14. Agony Aunt– your problems solved

15. Rugby World Cup Preview– how to punch

someone in the face

16. Page 16

20. A Flowchart Thing that says

you’re lazy.

22. Fok knows

24. Have a look yourself

26. Siop Meekie Monthly

28. Horoscopes

30. Sport

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 3 Page 3 Page 3 Page 3

I read Meekie M

onthly

every night before I watch

Cagney & Lacey I believe

that Meekie Monthly is

great quality, second to

none.

A Pope, Italy

Comment

Say NO to

the Severn

Barrage

Of all the fokkin sea in the world, you

want to build a barrage on my fokkin

doorstep to power the rest of the UK.

You know where you can stick it

WRITERS WANTED

We’re looking for writers to write for our

hallowed pages. You don’t need any experience–

just the cheek to think that you’d be good

enough. Go on back yourself– drop us a line at

[email protected]

Page 4: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

For our new readers….

(both of them) …..

What is a

meekie?

Royston says:

“For some meekies,

having a headache can

be a real headache.

The pharmaceutical

industry can overcome

this by building bigger

tablets to take”

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 Page 4 Page 4 Page 4

This is a real-life

photo of a meekie

Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole

world over– even in places like Germany

Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every

month?

For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with

a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is

nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to

celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since

1988.

This is a drawing of

a meekie by a well-

renowned artist

Page 5: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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101 things you n

ever

knew abou

t horses

1. Horses were invented in 204 AD

by a Roman soldier called Terry. H

e was fed up of

pulling his own chariot, and invente

d the horse to help him pull his rag

and bone cart

around.

2. Throughout history, horses have

featured prominently in wars. They w

ere used heavily in the Second Wo

rld War when they

were dropped from a height of 3000f

t onto army positions. Horses have a

lso started many wars, including that

one that they made

a film about.

3. Horses have very small brains wh

ich explains why they never say any

thing interesting.

4. Stallions are the male horses and

they have very large love glands. T

his comparison is often made betwe

en horses and Italian

men, who also have large love glan

ds.

5. Some horses are used for racing

. People in the UK get very excited b

y the biggest race of them all, the G

rand National, which

is held once a year. Lots of people e

njoy seeing the age old tradition of h

orses falling onto their jockey and th

e jockey getting up

and shooting the horse as a reprim

and. The punishment is 100% effec

tive and the horses never do it again

.

6. Most horses are born with 4 legs

although the Short Highland Breed

are renowned for having just the on

e leg that they hop

around on.

7. Horseshoes are traditionally worn

by horses.

8. The most famous horse in the wo

rld is Zippo the Wonderhorse. He c

ould fly, turn in an outstanding ventr

iloquist performance ,

and even ride a bicycle. He died in

1986 in mysterious circumstances.

His body has never been found. Le

gend has it that he rode

his BMX off a cliff at Nash Point in S

outh Wales. Some say that he was d

epressed after he had bad reviews

in the local paper for

his ventriloquist act that went wrong

.

9. Horses are quite tall and some ar

e quite short. This reflects the great

variation between some horses and

other horses.

10. You can actually paint a horse.

11. If ever wanted to.

Page 6: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

V

Looks: B

arker’s sturdier fram

e made him a lot m

ore cuddly

than his little chum.

8/10

Comic Ta

lent: Often conside

red the funny man o

f the duo,

Barker’s undoubted

comic talent is lege

ndary

10/10

Hair: Bar

ker retained a full h

ead of hair for his e

ntire life.

Impressive

9/10

Height: R

onnie B wasn’t that

tall but compared to

Ronnie C,

Barker looked very m

uch a tall man

9/10

Total: 36/40

It’s a draw! Hoorah!

Looks: Ronnie C’s diminutive size belied the fact that he was a rampant sex god 9/10 Comic Talent: Corbett’s legendary monologues on the couch remain to this day, timeless 9/10 Hair: Corbett still sports exactly the same hair that he had in the 1970s. Splendid 10/10 Height: Legend has it that Ronnie B met Ronnie C at a wedding– Ronnie C was stood on the cake. However, Corbett’s height only adds to his appeal 8/10

Total: 36/40

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 Page 6 Page 6 Page 6

Barker Corbett

Celebrity Showdown

Page 7: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 Page 7 Page 7 Page 7

The Great

Meekie

Monthly

Giveaway!

As you may well have noticed, you’ve received a

lovely MP3 of Cardiff superband, Omega 66,

courtesy of your favourite E-mag, Meekie Monthly.

Omega 66 reformed in June 2006, keeping two of the

original members of Dark Chunk, who famously

played at the Glastonbury Dance Tent in 2004.

Your track has been exclusively mixed by renowned DJ, Angel Farringdon, and you

can get the whole of Omega’s brand new album by visiting them at

www.omega66.com or www.myspace.com/omega66.

Omega’s guitarist Krik has also been exclusively interviewed on page 17! “are currently awaiting reviews of their debut album and recent live shows.

Don’t miss them on Radio One’s Annie Nightingale Show on 4th June.

If you have a band you’d like to promote through the beautiful pages of Meekie

Monthly, please drop Royston a line at [email protected]

Page 8: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

What day is your bin day? Thursday

Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times

If you get in a taxi on your own, do you get into the front or the back? Back seat "Driving Miss Elaine" style

What did you have for tea last night? Astro Burger and fries to celebrate Memorial Day. Yeah baby!

Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times What’s your favourite yellow crescent-shaped fruit? Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 8 Page 8 Page 8 Page 8

The BIG Interview This month, we’ve spoken to the beautiful Hollywood actress, famous for appearing in CSI, ER, Friends, Charmed, Joan of Arcadia and loads of other films including The Parent Trap and Inspector Gadget II. Elaine is a talented writer and musician in her own right, and tells us that she’s been to London and seen Big Ben and also seen the film My Fair Lady. We think she’s a bit crazy, but we love crazy women! Find Elaine at www.elainehendrix.com

Meekie Monthly Exclusive!

In response to many reader enquiries– yes, these interviews are real!

Page 9: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Egg-sploding Ethel

My mother-in-law Ethel c

ame round last

week for tea and I cooked her one of my

speciality omelettes. Afterwards, I realised

that the eggs were out of date and my

fears were confirmed a few hours later

when she detonated an huge salmonella

salvo in the pan of my newly refurbished

bathroom.

Now, every time I visit a toilet and see a

similar straw-coloured splatter, I think of

my mother-in-law. Do any of your readers

have any similar visual cues that remind

them of someone?

Colin Cupcake

Colchester

Dear Meekie Monthly........

Your favourite letters page....cos we s

ay so

Train Trauma

I am a train conductor and I’m sick of mothers getting on to my trains, with six or seven kids and with prams wider than a pickup truck. It’s my job to help these lazy women get their troop of clones on and off my train. I even had one woman tell me to learn some manners after I told here where she could stick her pram. Perhaps these women should learn to keep their legs closed instead? Andy Merthyr Tydfil

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 Page 9 Page 9 Page 9

Meekie Monthly Wales UK World

TV Made My Son a Superhero Who says television doesn’t influence young children? My 8 year old son got bitten by a spider last week and now runs around Maesteg in a red suit saving people from burning buildings (which is quite common in Maesteg). Who says television turns children in monsters? My son is a hero! Les Gardner Maesteg I’ve enclosed a pic of him in his last heroic adventure

Pointless Penguins

Last night, my wife a

nd I sat down to watch the BBC’s Planet E

arth programme.

We watched the one with all the penguins

on. They keep warm by standing in a

huddle, taking it in turns to go on the outs

ide of the huddle so that they all get a

turn in the warm middle.

If they’ve got the sense to do that, then w

hy haven’t they got the sense to move

somewhere warmer? Talk about bloody-m

indedness. And they’ve got the cheek to

call themselves birds! Any sensible bird w

ould get out of that dump pretty sharpsih!

David Kagool

Saltash, Cornwall

Hi. My name’s Dan and

I’m your new

Spiderman. As you can

see, I’m in a bit of a

pickle right now. But

with a bit of Spidey-

magic I’ll be out in no

time– ready to fight

crime wherever it

happens….

Page 10: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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Yes, here’s your chance to win your very own island!

It’s got everything that you’ve ever wanted– beaches, some grass and even a regular boat service to the mainland. All you have to do to win this splendid prize, is answer this very easy Isle of Wight question:

What is Cilla Black’s real name?

Send your answers on a postcard (or in an email) to [email protected] All entries must reach us by June 30th.

Stop press! Due to an oversight by one of my family members, I do not in fact, own the Isle of Wight and am therefore unable to offer it as a prize in this competition. I am very sorry for all distress caused and I will do my best to find a suitable alternative. Isle of Man any good anyone?

Meekie Monthly

Competition Time!

Back Issues

The Isle of Wight

We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly

left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since

1988, but we only launched the electronic

version back in March

2007. We think you’ll

find that we’re getting

bigger and

better every month.

If you’ve missed out on

the earlier issues, fear

not– you can order them, free of charge, from

us. I think we’re a bit

too good to you, but

then we think that in

this day and age, you

deserve something for

free.

All you need to do is

email us at

[email protected], requesting which

issue you want. We’ve got them all from March

onwards. Think– they might be worth something

in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

Page 11: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Get noticed

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 Page 11 Page 11 Page 11

Even in small business, image is everything Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

Page 12: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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Advertisement

Ginger

Person

of the

Month

I read Meekie Monthly

before every fight. It

gives me an edge over

my opponents.

Vladamir Nokabolokov

Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates those wonderful ginger people by interviewing them

Name: Rachelle

Location: Ely, Cardiff

Why I love being ginger: It's eye catching and certainly not boring. Out of a group, the redhead is the first one you spot! Also we're least likely to go grey! Having red hair feels special cos it's quite a rarity, and takes up something like 2% of the population, how cool is that?

Page 13: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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We interview a footballer !!

MM: What’s it like playing football?

Darren: It’s quite nice

MM: How far can you kick a football?

Darren: Quite far

MM: What’s it like falling over?

Darren: It really hurts

MM: Does it hurt when a football hits full

in the face then?

Darren: It depends

MM: On what?

Darren: Whose face it hits

The Lads’ Page Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs

Top Fuel Dragster

Top Speed: 330+ mph

Fuel: Nitromethane

0-100mph: Under 1 second

1/4 mile: 4.5 seconds

Bad Ass Fiesta

Top Speed: 42 mph

Fuel: 4* Unleaded

0-100mph: It doesn’t but it’s

got a fokkin massive exhaust

on it

Start collecting your

trump cards. We’ve

given you the first

two for free! Collect

yours every month!

Meekie Monthly reader of the month– Madd Carter from Australia

Page 14: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 14Page 14Page 14Page 14

I can’t get laid What is the best way to ensure that I get laid on my first date? I've spent so much money wining and dining women and I never get to the 69ing. It's become so bad that I've started turning up for the first date, saying "Hi" and then leaving again as nothing ever happens on the first date. Please help Trevor Lincoln Before you reach for the Roofies, Trevor, you might want to consider this statistic. Only 0.001% of people named Trevor have ever had sex. And those that did were doing farmyard animals. So go on down to your town hall and get your name changed by deed poll. (Tip: Kevins, Leslies and Kenneths are even less likely to get laid). Oh, Trevor? And this is just a thought, mind, you might want to stop thinking about dating as a capitalist transaction where the woman is just a provider of a service. That might be where you’re going wrong. I’m not sure women are very inclined to engage in orally-based sexual acts with men who think that saying “Come on love, I just spent fifty quid on that meal” while pushing her head towards his crotch is foreplay. Second thought, forget my advice about the name. Mas-turbating is probably the better option for you m’duck.

The Impotence of being Ernest Dear Briony My husband Ernest recently come home from the doctors and told me that he was

impotent. The fact of the matter is, he's not impotent- he's just a road digger. Now

take our next door neighbour Colin– he’s very impotent- he's on the local Council

and sings solo in the local church choir. How can I break the news to my husband

that he's not as impotent as he thinks he is? Sally Bath I know for a fact Colin is not only impotent, but he’s important too. Importance is when a

man can’t, you know, ahem, do the special thing that men do to women (and in some

cases other men). Importance is a real problem for men of a certain age. Once they get

to 50 or so, and you see them driving their little penis shaped cars down the local

Morrison’s, swollen with their own impotence, you just know there’s no other “swelling”

taking place. Anyway, about your husband. What’s to say he isn’t impotent, with a smart

cookie like you for a wife?

My daughter is an embarrassment Dear Briony My daughter has the most hugest head that the world has ever seen. Every time we go to Kwik Save, children stop and stare. Last Christmas, the Council even decorated it and made her stand outside the Town Hall for 7 weeks. However, she's now become depressed. She's become a recluse and all she does all day is sob on her (huge) pillow. What can I do? Sarah Newcastle

I’ve got good news for you Sarah. Soon, you won’t have to shop at quick save any more. You’ll be able to ascend to the highest rung of the grocery ladder, Waitrose. Actually do they even have Waitrose in Newcastle? Probably not. You’re probably at the pinnacle of shopping excellence already, aren’t you? Scrap that. My point was that you are sitting on a goldmine. Guinness will probably pay you a million pounds a day to feature your daughter’s head within it’s esteemed pages. You could get hats made especially for her. What more does she want? You need to teach her about life: you play the hand (or head) you’re dealt

Dear Briony…..

Your embarrassing problems published to the world

Page 15: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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Rugby World Cup Preview

In a new series,

Meekie Monthly

counts down to

the Rugby World

Cup this

September by

looking at the

various tactics

used by the

world’s teams.

This month we

look at the art of

punching your

opponent

Step One: Pick an opponent Preferably someone smaller than you and on his own. The last thing you want is his bigger mate wading in.

Step Two: Start an argument This can be for any reason whatsoever. This chap on the left has singled out his target and is going over to punch the little fellow firmly on the nose.

You startin’…?

Have a bunch

of fives you

little rotter you Step Three: Deliver your blow

Strike your opponent firmly on the hooter.

Step Four: Make your escape Leave the scene of the crime immediately. Ensure that your escape route is not blocked by an larger opposing player, referee or policeman.

Striking your opponent full in the face is illegal in most rugby games

these days. However, it does still make for exciting viewing and always

goes down a treat with the lads down the pub. Have fun!

Mfmfmfmsdsjhfdfdfd!

Page 16: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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ORRITE?

Issue 1 June 2007

EXCLUSIVE!

RIKKI

GALLUP

SITS ON

HER

SETTEE

AND

WATCHES

HOLBY

CITY

For celebrity Rikki Gallup, settling down to watch an episode of ‘Holbs’ is a life-changing experience. “I always have a cup of tea and some Hob Nobs. “I like the drama in Holby City. There’s always someone falling over and hurting themselves and it’s amazing how these actors, who you often see in other programmes, manage to save people’s lives. Take Nigel from Eastenders for instance. He’s done ever so well to become a consultant. He was always thick as shit in Eas-tenders”. But life isn’t all about Holby City for Rikki.

Holby Heaven Celebrity Rikki Gallup puts her

feet up and relaxes with an exciting episode of the BBC’s

flagship medical drama.

“Sometimes I’ll pop to the shops in the day. Most of them are open 9-6 and it’s nice to have them open all day. It gives the shopper nine hours to select their sundry goods”. Rikki’s favourite shop is Gregg’s, the bakers. “They do a lovely choco-late flake cake there. They even put a small section of a Flake bar on the top and it’s nice with another cup of tea”. Rikki hopes to become even more famous this year. “I hope to become even more famous this year” she says.

Above; Rikki relaxes and watches her favourite medical drama Below: Rikki poses outside her small detached house just outside Gatwick Airport

Page 17: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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EXCLUSIVE!

Omega 66’s

Krik is

famous for

strumming

in public.

And also

for driving

quite fast

ORRITE?

Issue 1 June 2007

“If it wasn’t for my tortoise I wouldn’t be here today”

Krik opens his heart to

Meekie Monthly about his music, his sniffing and his coming to terms with his

SP30

Above: Krik singing Below: A recent picture (picture courtesy of South Wales Speed Enforcement (Speed camera) Department)

As Welsh celebrities go, Krik (he only has the one name in honour of his childhood super-hero Superted), is one of the most famous. In some countries, he is even more famous than that bloke out of Def Leppard. You know- the one with one arm. I think he might have died. Him anyway. But there’s more to Krik than just plucking the strings of love: “I sometimes like going to Kwik Save and sniff things. I can spend hours in the fabric conditioner aisle. I just love smelling things– herbs, spices, fabric conditioners, washing powders, marker pens– anything that reminds me of my childhood basically”. Krik’s certainly come a long way since those days and now lives in a 14 bedroom flat in the trendy area of Cardiff known as Grangetown, with his 17 dogs and a tortoise called Sid. But living in the fast lane has taken its toll on the South Wales rocker. “I got caught driving my Fiat Uno through town at 140mph. I was only trying to clear my carburettor. I was flashed by a camera. A copper then pulled me over and told me that he’d been waiting for me, so I told him that I got there as fast as I could”. Krik was fined £60 and had three points put on his licence. “Coming through driving rehab was hell but I got there in the end thanks to my dogs and tortoise”

Page 18: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

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Advertise here for

as little as

£20 per month.

Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine

with its roots in South Wales but with a global

readership base. You can be part of this

growing phenomenon by advertis-

ing on our hallowed pages. Just £20

will buy you a full page advert in

glorious technicolour, street cred

and exposure to new clients.

Email [email protected]

You?

Page 19: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 Page 18 Page 18 Page 18

Josie: Right th

en, let’s see. 08701911966

Machine: Than

k-you for calling Traveldodge, f

or reservation queries, please p

ress One

Josie: One

Machine: For d

irections, please press Two

Josie: One, on

e

Machine: For a

ll other calls, please hold and

you’ll be transferred to the lod

ge reception

Josie: Oh for g

ods’ sake! Ok, try again. 0870

1911966

Machine: Than

k-you for calling Traveldodge…

Josie: One, da

mn you.

Machine: I’m L

isa. I’m the voice of Traveldod

ge. By speaking to me, you’ll g

ain access to

our best rates normally availab

le via our website.

Josie: Lisa? G

ood god, they’re giving them n

ames now.

Alys: What?

Machine: Do y

ou know the name of the Trave

ldodge where you want to stay

?

Josie: It’s Lisa

, the machine is called Lisa.

Lisa: I’m sorry

, I didn’t catch that. Do you kno

w the name of the Traveldodg

e where you

want to stay?

Josie: Wemble

y

Alys: What? L

isa who?

Lisa: I’m sorry,

I didn’t catch that. Do you kn

ow the name of the Traveldod

ge where you

want to stay?

Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Do you know the name of the Traveldodge where you want to stay? Josie: WEMBLEY Alys: Lisa Wembly? Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: When will you be arriving? Josie: Tuesday the eighteenth of April. Lisa: Staying for how many nights? Josie: Three. Lisa: Ok. You’d like to arrive on Tuesday the eighteenth of April and stay for three nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great. Now tell me how many adults will be staying. Josie: Two. Lisa: And how many children aged fifteen and under will be staying? Josie: One. Lisa: And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking? Josie: Non-smoking.

Conversation with a

Machine

By Josie Henley

Page 20: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Lisa: Great! So you

want to book a non-s

moking room at

Traveldodge Wembl

ey Hotel, for two adu

lts and one child,

arriving on Tuesday

the eighteenth of Ap

ril to stay for three

nights. Is that right?

Josie: Ye

s.

Lisa: Grea

t, just a moment while

I check availability…

Josie: Sh

e’s checking availab

ility.

Alys: Ok.

Lisa: I’m s

orry, there is no avai

lability in Traveldodg

e Wem-

bley Hotel, but there

are spaces available

in Traveldodge

London Park Royal, w

hich is zero-point-eig

ht miles from

your first choice. The

re is parking on site

at an additional

charge. The total cos

t of this booking will

be one-hundred

and sixty five pounds

, would you like to bo

ok this?

Josie: Wh

at?

Alys: Wha

t?

Josie: Bu

t it said twenty-six po

unds a night on the w

ebsite!

Lisa: I’m s

orry, I didn’t catch tha

t. Would you like to b

ook

this room?

Josie: A h

undred and sixty five

pounds, which doesn

’t in-

clude car parking.

Lisa: I’m s

orry, I didn’t catch tha

t. Would you like to b

ook

this room?

Alys: But

it said twenty-six pou

nds a night!

Josie: Tha

t’s what I said.

Lisa: I’m s

orry, I didn’t catch tha

t. Would you like to b

ook

Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I’m having technical difficulties. If you wish to

speak to a call representative, our lines are open between eight am and eight pm

any day of the week. Alternatively you could try our website. Goodbye. Josie: Oh for fok’s sake! Alys: What? Josie: She’s gone. Alys: Try again. Try for two nights. Josie: Ok. 08701911966 Machine: Thank-you for… Josie: One Machine: I’m Lisa. I’m the voice of Traveldodge. By speaking to me, you’ll gain

access to our best rates normally available via our website. Do you know the name of the Traveldodge where you want to stay? Josie: WEMBLEY Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes… Tuesday the eighteenth of April…Two… Yes… Two… One… Non-

smoking. Lisa: Great! So you want to book a non-smoking room at Traveldodge Wembley

Hotel, for two adults and one child, arriving on Tuesday the eighteenth of April to

stay for two nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great, just a moment while I check availability… Josie: She’s checking availability.

Continued next month……..

Page 21: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

How lazy are you? Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a lazy arse

Do you ever get

out of bed late? Would you stay

there all day?

You’re a liar.

You’re also a

lazy arse.

Are you over-

weight?

Would you

try and

work the

food off?

Would you order in

pizza, two kebabs

and a bottle of

coke?

yes

no

yes

yes

no

Would this be by

getting out of bed

to turn the TV

over?

yes

Is that pizza

going to work

itself off?

no

Would you use

a skateboard

to take you

across the

room? yes

Do you

maintain

regular bowel

movements? no

Only to get some

more pizza

You are in danger of

exploding. Please

consult a vet

Please go to

the next square

no matter how

you got here

START HERE

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20

yes

no

yes

yes

no yes

no

no no

no yes

Lazy arse

Page 22: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21

All the scandal al

l the goss on the messed up stars

of

today!!!

King Kebab

So Kate Middleton

has split up with future king Prince Wil

liam. And he is getting snapped with a

ll sorts of slappers around town. I per

sonally find the

whole thing hysterical, and think it’s ab

out time the Royal Family move into th

e 21st century. Maybe he

wants a bit of ‘rough’ for a change, and

fan-

cies someone with a bit more ‘ buy one

get 2 free’ white star running through

their blood, and someone with a little

bit of kebab lettuce sticking out of

their teeth, fresh from chippie lane! You

cant blame him, must be terribly borin

g for him surrounded by all those posh

‘ladies’. I think he should come

down to Cardiff now that he’s newly sin

gle, and find a real bird! So Wills, if yo

u do decide to come down for a prope

r bird hunt, I’ll be dancing round

the lamppost , just north of life bar, in

a nurses outfit! Dog shit kebab in one h

and, bottle of Bud in the other. Join me

if you like, cigarette is optional!

Druggie Duo

Oh the joy! Get in queue for the single

already! Robbie Williams and 50 Cent

are in talks for recording a single toget

her! Apparently the singers

have a lot in common to talk about! U

nderstandably true, the list is endless!

I mean there’s their love of drugs they

share. 50 cent has openly talked

of his love for recreational drugs in the

past, having been arrested several tim

es. And then there’s Robbie; only last

week he got caught by 3 armed

‘Boots – the chemist’ security guards fo

r trying to smuggle out 2 packs of para

cetamol and Extra Strength Lemsips!

And then there’s their ‘hard

knock’ childhoods. 50 cent clearly had

a hard time, spending time behind bar

s for firearm offences and battery. And

there’s Robbie who spent most

of it in that band with dungarees on, h

aving pillow fights with Gary Barlow! He

could have got 3 years if the feathers

came out and he choked! Per-

sonally I can’t wait to hear the single!

Shitney Bears

And Britney Spears is back in the reco

rding studio! Finally, the Princess of Po

p is going to be releasing a new album

soon, and some songs are ru-

moured to be based on her recent ‘bre

akdown’. I can’t wait to hear some of t

he song titles- ‘Drop me baby one mo

re time’, ‘I’m a shave 4 u’, and

‘Oops I’ve lost it again! ’ being just a fe

w she could choose from.

Josie: WEMBLEY Alys: Lisa Wembley? Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right?

Josie: Yes. Lisa: When will you be arriving? Josie: Tuesday the eighteenth of April. Lisa: Staying for how many nights?

CELEBRITY UPDATE By Sian

Hill

Page 23: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22

Backside Stateside

Mel B has blam

ed her mum arriving in America

during her pregnancy, as the

reason she has piled on so muc

h weight. The unrecognisable S

pice Girl, says

her mum has been fattening her

up, by feeding her roast dinners

. Her reaction to

her piss-takers about her weigh

t has simply been – ‘Kiss my ass

!’. Personally, I

was gonna ask if I could write th

e whole of War and Peace on it

!

Golfing Goon

Justin Timberlak

e arrived in the UK and decided

to have a round of golf in Scot-

land. Apparently he was bomba

rded by fans and groped all ove

r. Said to be a

little shaken up, Timberlake’s se

curity has been increased for th

e duration of his

stay. Seeing as the golf course

was public, it’s probably equivale

nt to Tom Jones

turning up to use the lav in one

of our very own Castle Bingos!

I heard he had a

lucky escape. Michelle McManu

s was on the next course and o

ut right flattened

2 of his security guards, when s

he heard he had discarded half

a Curly Wurly

and a bottle of Tizer!

Halitosis HeartThrob

And talking of S

ir Tom Jones, he has come und

er the spotlight this month, afte

r

his wife has stepped out to talk

about her depression this week

. Seems Mr

Jones’s wandering hands was a

factor of much of it, and the We

lsh stud has also

admitted in the past that he has

lost count of the amount of wom

en he has slept

with. One conquest told how he

liked to dip his ‘Welsh rhythm s

tick’ into bottles

of Listerine during foreplay ! – P

erhaps he needed to remove a

little plaque

before going back to the wife ! E

wwwwww!

CELEBRITY

UPDATE Continued

MEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORYMEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORYMEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORYMEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORY This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers and friends. It’s free to add your website on here and friends. It’s free to add your website on here and friends. It’s free to add your website on here and friends. It’s free to add your website on here but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and their contents. their contents. their contents. their contents.

GAMINGGAMINGGAMINGGAMING www.bf2-uke.co.uk

HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE

BAGSBAGSBAGSBAGS www.rubberylegs.com

MUSIC PROMOTIONMUSIC PROMOTIONMUSIC PROMOTIONMUSIC PROMOTION www.tantrum.co.uk

PRPRPRPR www.beacon-media.co.uk

PUBLICATIONSPUBLICATIONSPUBLICATIONSPUBLICATIONS www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk

RUGBY RUGBY RUGBY RUGBY www.rugbyrebels.com

WHAT’S ONWHAT’S ONWHAT’S ONWHAT’S ON www.urbantraffic.co.uk

WOMEN’S ACCESSORIESWOMEN’S ACCESSORIESWOMEN’S ACCESSORIESWOMEN’S ACCESSORIES www.funkandfashion.co.uk

Page 24: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 Page 24 Page 24 Page 24

1. You've just woken up and go

ne downstairs for some Cornf

lakes when you open

the fridge door to find that all

the milk has gone. Do you?

a) sigh gently, slowly closing the

door and putting on your coat r

eady to pop to Kwik Save?

b) slam the fridge door shut and

stomping to Kwik Save sighing

very loudly to yourself.

c) Rip the door off the fridge, pull

out all the food onto the floor, b

efore throwing that gone off cab

bage at a passing

car?

2. You're driving to work when

a cyclist pulls out in front of y

ou, pedalling very slowly and

not allowing you

to overtake. Do you?

a) sigh gently, waiting patiently f

or a clearing to pass

b) toot your horn in frustration an

d gesturing them to pull over?

c) slam your foot down hard on

the accelerator, driving straight o

ver the cyclist, before selecting r

everse to make

sure that the cyclist doesn't have

time to readjust his helmet and

remount.

3. You get to work to find that

your boss has sacked you an

d employed some bird with bi

g wabbers. Do

you?

a) sigh gently, before gathering

your stuff from your desk and ma

king your way back to the car?

b) Tell your boss that he's an ars

ehole, before gathering your stu

ff from your desk and making yo

ur way back to the

car?

c) Boot your boss hard in the bo

llocks, throwing him out of the w

indow and knocking over his "Yo

u don't have to be

mad to work here- but it helps" s

ign off the wall.

4. When you get back to your car,

you find that a traffic warden

has just put a ticket on your c

ar. Do you?

a) Sigh gently, muttering to yours

elf?

b) Challenge the traffic warden o

n his decision to ticket you and r

emonstrating for at least ten min

utes?

c) Start the car up, drive forward

s for 10 feet before reversing, s

topping only to pick up the traffic

warden and putting

him in the boot with the cyclist?

How angry do you get

? Are you as cool as a cucumber

or do you need to visit an

anger management class? Let

Meekie Monthly diagnose

you with this fab quiz!

Page 25: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

5. You arrive back at home and notice

that some young scamp has put his f

ootball through

your front window. Do you?

a) sigh gently, picking your way through

the broken glass and handing the young

whippersnapper his

ball back?

b) chase the kid up the street with a bro

om?

c) boot the kid through the other window

, before heading inside, picking the kid u

p by his ears and

taking him home- without his football.

6. You settle down

with a few beers to comfort yourself b

y watching an episode of

Countdown. Unfortunately, the cricke

t has run over, meaning that today's e

pisode will now be

shown at a later date. Do you?

a) sigh gently, turning over to watch Rich

ard and Judy?

b) slam your remote control down hard o

n your sofa?

c) drive down to Lord's, taking your car

straight onto the cricket field and mowing

down any players who are too slow to

make it back to the pavilion?

7. When you get back,

your partner has left you, in favour of

a homosexual relationship with some

one they met

yesterday. Do you?

a) sigh gently, allowing them to dabble i

n their duplicious debauchery?

b) shout loudly at your partner, before re

alising that they have in fact left several

hours earlier?

c) Growl on the spot very angrily, unsure

of what to do next?

8. You decide to co

mfort yourself with a bag of chips, bu

t Mr Wong has decided not to open today a

s he's gone to

watch the cricket. Do you?

a) sigh gently to yourself, getting back in

to your car and heading home for some c

ornflakes?

b) Smash his window before running off

quite fast?

c) Drive your car through Mr Wong's win

dow, helping yourself to as many chips a

s you can get into your back seat and

driving home singing "It's My Life!", the p

opular beat combo made famous in 1982

by Talk Talk?

Mostly As– Nothin

g bothers you in the slightest. Your h

ead would fall off and you wouldn’t no

tice

Mostly Bs– You’re neither a particular

ly angry person or a non-angry perso

n

Mostly Cs– You’re an animal. I sugges

t that you arrange for some anger ma

nagement immediately

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 25 Page 25 Page 25 Page 25

An angry man yesterday

Page 26: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 26 Page 26 Page 26 Page 26

Meekie Monthly

GIVE

IT

SOME

HEAD

Siop

Meekie

Monthly

To order your exclusive Meekie Monthly T-shirt,

simply fill in your name and address, cut out this

section and post if to us with a cheque for £10

(plus P&P)

Name……………………………………….

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at…………………………………………………………………………

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Please send me ….. Meekie Monthly T-shirts so

that I can go down the pub and pull like I’ve

never pulled before.

Tidylike

Meekie Stuff

Buy your meekie stuff here chums

Page 27: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

THE MAGAZINE FOR MEN IN WALES www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk

ADVERTISEMENT

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28 Page 28 Page 28 Page 28

Page 28: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

ARIES

Mar 21 - Apr 20

What a boring month it's been for you. Has

n't it? Hasn't it? (Reader: "Yes it has").

Never mind. June promises to be a stunnin

g month for you. Everything you do will be

come a fantastic

success and everyone you meet will want

to sleep with you. In fact, there....oh hang

on. Sorry, I've been

reading Leo's by mistake. Sorry about tha

t.

TAURUS

Apr 21 - May 21

Ah yes. The bovine wonder. Have you rece

ntly that people have started moving away

from you when you get

close to them? That's be the smell of Bovr

il you're giving off. Better keep your legs cl

osed if I were you. Your

breath smells. Lucky name related to defr

osting a field of cows- Thora Hird.

GEMINI

May 22 - Jun 22

Wasn't there a crap pop band called Gemi

ni. Yes. I think they were the ones that wen

t into the Eurovision

Song Contest and got Nil Pwar. Well that j

ust about sums you up this month Gemini.

A complete waste of

space. Unlucky day for entering a song co

ntest- 18th June.

CANCER

June 23 - July 23

The crab people. Hard shells, soft centres

and an aroma like....erm...crab paste. It's

not wonder you seem to

have lost your mojo this month. The fact t

hat you walk in and out of clubs sideways

also doesn't help. Why

can't you just be like normal people? Luck

y day for cleaning out your fish tank- Frida

y nights.

LEO

July 24 - Aug 23

June promises to be a stunning month for

you. Everything you do will become a fanta

stic success and

everyone you meet will want to sleep with

you. In fact, there hasn't been a better mon

th for you in your life.

But you do deserve it, don't you Leo?

VIRGO

Aug 24 - Sep 23

With Jupiter in your house this month, ther

e isn't much room left for you, so you'll be

spending most of June in

the garden shed with the spiders. Remem

ber to move the barbeque stuff out into th

e garden to give yourself

more room, and keep the rats out with a bi

g pointy stick.

Horoscopes with Enog

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28

Page 29: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

LIBRA

Sept 24 - Oct 23

The sign of the scales. Li

terally quite true this mon

th as you'll develop fish-li

ke scales all over. Not to

worry too much

though. Pisces has the s

ame problem every month

. A shop at Kwik Save on

the 17th turns into a nig

htmare terrorist/

hostage-taking scenario,

and you escape with you

r life after the SBS. who w

ere on their way to the loc

al swimming

baths, stop by to help out

. Lucky trolley to hide beh

ind- the one with the baki

ng tray left in it.

SCORPIO

Oct 24 - Nov 22

Sexy Scorpio. So sexy, th

ey turn gay people straigh

t. Their thighs are always

moist and their genitals a

lways

primed ready for action.

Shame you've got the cla

p this month then Scorpio

. We told you last month

to avoid

that munter down the loc

al pub. The one with the b

ig nose and wart on their

eyelid. Serves you right.

SAGITTARI

US

Nov 23 - Dec 21

Nothing much to shout ab

out this month Sagittariu

s. In fact, if I were you, I'd

write off June and get sta

rted on

July a month early.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Capricorns can expect a

varied month in June. The

re'll be some good days a

nd some bad days. There

'll be some days in

between and some days

that are more days that a

re better than the bad da

ys and some days that wi

ll be badder than the

better days. All in all, I ca

n't be arsed to think of an

ything exciting to ply you

with.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 - Feb 19

That goes for you too.

PISCES

Feb 20 - Mar 20

As for you. Well, it's gettin

g late, the dog needs his

walk. He ate my son's m

iniature chemistry set from

Argos and Pippin the

Spaniel has been shartin

g all over my house. So I

have neither the time, no

r the inclination to go spo

uting off made-up

horoscopes to you. You

don't take any notice of th

em anyway.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29

Horoscopes with Enog

Page 30: Meekie Monthly, Issue 5

Due to the end of the sporting season, we are

unable to bring you any sports stories of any kind.

We can tell you though that we will be back in

September, when people all over the world start

playing sport again.

Sport

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 30 Page 30 Page 30 Page 30