Me Being Me Is Exactly As Insane As You Being You
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Transcript of Me Being Me Is Exactly As Insane As You Being You
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or
places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
SIMON PULSEAn imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020First Simon Pulse hardcover edition March 2015
Text copyright © 2015 by Todd Hasak-LowyAll rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or
in part in any form.SIMON PULSE and colophon are registered trademarks
of Simon & Schuster, Inc.For information about special discounts for bulk purchases,
please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or [email protected].
The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers
Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.Jacket designed by Jessica Handelman
Interior designed by Hilary ZaryckyThe text of this book was set in New Caledonia.Manufactured in the United States of America
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hasak-Lowy, Todd, 1969–Me being me is exactly as insane as you being you / Todd Hasak-Lowy. —
First Simon Pulse hardcover edition.p. cm.
Summary: Through a series of lists, a narrator reveals how fifteen-year-old Darren’s world was rocked by his parents’ divorce just as his brother, Nate, was leaving for college, and a year later when his father comes out as gay, then how he begins to
deal with it all after a stolen weekend with Nate and his crush, Zoey.[1. Family problems—Fiction. 2. Divorce—Fiction. 3. Brothers—Fiction.
4. Gays—Fiction. 5. Dating (Social customs)—Fiction.] I. Title.PZ7.H26865Me 2014
[Fic]—dc232014011035
ISBN 978-1-4424-9573-9 (hc)ISBN 978-1-4424-9569-2 (eBook)
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4 Conflicting Parts of Himself Darren Jacobs Attempts to
Ignore as He Tries to Ask a Particular Eleventh-Grade Girl
for a Really Big Favor on Friday, April 25, at 10:38 a.m.
1. His reluctance to become a screwup/stoner/delinquent.
Because he might be taking a step closer to turning into any
or all of those things if he asks her this favor (and she agrees
to do it). Or even just deals with someone like this particular
girl, who (based on the cigarette and the all-black outfit and
the piercings) is pretty clearly a screwup and/or stoner, but
probably not an actual delinquent. At least, Darren hopes
she’s not, but who knows anything for sure at this point?
Certainly not Darren, who keeps finding out that people
aren’t who he thought they were.
2. His curiosity to see what would happen if he did some-
thing that a screwup/stoner/delinquent would do. Just this
once. Because overall he’s been a pretty well-behaved kid
his whole life, so then what’s the big deal, seriously, with
doing something maybe not so smart just this one time?
3. His desire to kiss her, and have her kiss him back, right
here and right now. There’s no way that’s going to happen,
even though all it would take is the two of them wanting it to.
Because you see kids kissing and even totally making out at
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North High pretty much every day, so it’s not like he’s fanta-
sizing about walking on the moon or anything here. And it’s
not even such a big deal that Darren has thought about kiss-
ing this particular girl once or twice, because (if he’s going to
be totally honest about it) he’s probably thought about kissing
fifty or sixty different girls at North High. Maybe even more
actually. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t thought about kissing any
guys, but he wouldn’t swear on it, because these kinds of
thoughts just sort of pop up whether you want them to or not.
Like you’re getting a drink from the fountain outside the
cafeteria, and the next thing you know, you’re wondering what
it would be like to make out with Christie Banks, who isn’t even
that cute in the first place, and not only because of that thing on
her nose. She just happened to be waiting to get a drink, that’s
all it took. This kind of stuff happens so much that if Darren is
going to be really and truly 100 percent honest about it, then
he’d have to admit that once or twice (okay, about fourteen
times) he’s thought about kissing Ms. Gleason. Who just so
happens to be his English teacher. She’s maybe his youngest
teacher and has perfect skin, but still, what’s up with that?
4. His failure to convince himself that this is just about him.
Because he kind of feels it in the very center of his presently
quivering gut: The whole thing might also be about this par-
ticular eleventh-grade girl standing about four feet away from
him and giving him a half-curious, half-annoyed look, like,
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Uh, can I help you? Or, more precisely, it might be about him
and her most of all, as in the two of them as some kind of unit,
some kind of thing. Not a couple, necessarily, but a thing of
some sort. A him and a her. A them.
Because right now she is just this entirely separate person
standing four feet away from him and waiting for him to stop
standing there like a paralyzed idiot, but once he asks her this
favor and she agrees to do it, then, even for just a little while,
there’s going to be a new “them.” And who knows, “them”
might only last like a half hour, but maybe for reasons beyond
his control, this “them” will take on a life of its own. And so
this “them” might be good, but it might be bad. It might even
be very bad. Or very, very, very good. Which somehow freaks
Darren out most of all.
Because Darren’s had enough lately of the grief that
being in a “them” can cause you. And so, in order to cut his
future losses, maybe he should not do what he’s actually doing
right this very instant, which might bring about the creation
of another “them” that he’s a part of:
“Hey,” he says. “Uh. Yeah. Look, could you maybe drive
me to the El so I can get downtown to Union Station and
then get on this bus to go visit my brother in Ann Arbor?
Because . . .”
Oh well, too late.
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1. THURSDAY,APRIL 24
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6 Words His Mom Sounds Like She’s Saying as Her
Voice Travels through Walls and up Stairs Until It Reaches
Darren, Who Wonders Why His Mother Is on the Phone
at—What the?—5:24 a.m.
1. Malah
2. Snaff
3. Thuhn
4. Bechah
5. Inham
6. Geraflab
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10 Sentences or Sentence Fragments Darren Has
Heard Her Say through Walls and up Stairs So Many Times
over the Past Two Years That He’s Positive She’s Saying
Them Right Now, Even Though It Still Kind of Sounds Like
She’s Saying Stuff Like “Antfurlm” and “Waflevah”
1. Tell me why.
2. That’s all I’m asking.
3. Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding.
4. Spare me.
5. Just this once.
6. Oh, give me a break.
7. Bull. Shit.
8. Whatever, Howard.
9. Whatever.
10. You’re so full of shit.
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3 Arguably More Accurate Ways Howard Could Be
Described
1. Darren’s father
2. Darren’s mother’s ex-husband
3. The person who used to live in and own this house but
doesn’t as of about twenty months ago. Though actu-
ally, he may still own half of the house. Darren’s not
totally sure what they finally settled on, because by
the time they finally settled on whatever it was they
settled on, he was so sick of hearing about it (some-
times through walls and up stairs, etc.) that he just
tried to ignore whatever they told him they finally
settled on.
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4 Emotions Darren Identifies in the Sound of His
Mother’s Footsteps, Which Are Clearly Approaching
1. Anger
2. Contempt
3. Remorse
4. Sorrow
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3 Names She Calls Him in Quick Succession as She Sits
Down on the Edge of His Bed and Softly Pats His Shoulder
to Wake Him, Even Though He’s Pretty Much Totally
Awake by Now
1. Honey
2. Sweetie
3. Darren
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9 Names Darren Thinks Would Be Better Names for Him
Than “Darren”
1. Gabe
2. Max
3. Sam
4. Noah
5. Adam
6. Jordan
7. Nate, if it wasn’t taken
8. Mo, maybe
9. Jacob, if his last name wasn’t Jacobs
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6 Imminent Events, According to His Mother
1. Her cab’s arrival, any minute now
2. His dad entering the house at around seven thirty
3. His dad making him breakfast and packing his lunch
4. His dad talking to Darren about something important
5. His dad taking him to school
6. Her cab’s arrival, if the thing’s on time for once
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7 Reasons Darren Doesn’t Do the Obvious Thing and Ask
Her to Elaborate a Bit about Item #4 from the Previous List
1. He really doesn’t want to know.
2. She might not know, which she’d be annoyed about.
3. She knows but has agreed not to say anything, which
she’s already annoyed about, so why make her get more
annoyed and bitch about his dad?
4. He really doesn’t feel like having a conversation with
anyone right now.
5. The less he says, the faster she leaves.
6. Because maybe he can still fall asleep again.
7. And who knows, maybe this is all a dream, which it
would be really good if it is; in fact, he wouldn’t be that
bummed if all of the past two years have been one big
dream, though that seems extremely unlikely unless
Darren is having an unusually long and vivid dream
that isn’t exactly a nightmare but does kind of suck
about five times more than regular awake life should.
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2 Additional and Unfortunate Facts Relevant to
Understanding How Darren Got the Name “Darren”
1. It was some sort of compromise between his parents.
2. Meaning that “Darren” was nobody’s first choice.
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2 Objects Some Faint and Unclear Light Source
Reflects Off of in the Moment Before His Mother Leaves
Darren’s Room
1. Her left boot, which is dark brown, leather, and fancy.
She wears them a ton these days, especially on days she
travels, and she travels a ton these days. She actually
looks pretty good in them, especially when she tucks
her expensive jeans into them. But more than anything,
these boots remind Darren that his parents, around the
time they got separated and later divorced, each just sort
of quickly evolved into kind of different people, because
she only wore fancy boots like three times throughout
the first fourteen or so years of his life.
2. Her right boot.
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3 Thoughts Darren Has as She Closes His Door Softly
1. In a couple of minutes I’ll be the only one in the house.
2. Which still always feels weird whenever it happens.
3. But I guess it’s just as well at this point, especially if
there’s no way Nate could be here right now.
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7 Arguably Optional Activities Darren’s Mom Spent the
Most Time on during Each of the Previous Seven Years
1. ZUMBA
Which is some kind of extremely strange dance fitness
program.
2. RESEARCHING GRADUATE PROGRAMS
Because she wanted to get a job but couldn’t get any of
the ones she wanted without going back to school.
3. AGONIZING OVER WHETHER OR NOT TO
ATTEND GRADUATE SCHOOL
Though it was clear that if she did, it would be in com-
puters or marketing. Or computers and marketing.
Whatever that means.
4. ACCUMULATING A GIANT LIBRARY ON WEB
DESIGN AND E-COMMERCE
So she decided not to go to school at all, since she some-
how decided that she could get a good job without it.
5. LAUNCHING N.D. DESIGN
As in “Nate and Darren Design.” It was some sort of
computer marketing company she ran out of the guest
room.
6. SELLING N.D. DESIGN
Apparently, some people with a lot of money really liked
her company. The whole family went to the Caribbean
for ten days afterward.
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7. PACKING AND UNPACKING BEFORE AND
AFTER TRIPS TO CALIFORNIA
Such as last night. And actually, this one has been going
on for two years now.
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12 Basic Bits of Information about Darren Jacobs
1. Fifteen years old
2. Five feet six and a half inches
3. 181 pounds
4. White
5. Brown curly hair
6. Brown eyes
7. November 29
8. 20/25 right eye, 20/20 left eye
9. Right-handed
10. Youngest of two boys
11. Jewish
12. Virgin
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