Math Jokes

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Volker Runde, Math Jokes I haven't invented these jokes - I just collect them. An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint... "I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints. Q: When did Bourbaki stop writing books? A: When they realized that Serge Lang was a single person... Teacher: What is 2k + k? Student: 3000! Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi! Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun! Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home? A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem! Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?" Student: "It's 42!" Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?" Same student: "It's 24!" A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours. Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine." A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours." Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt." The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting. His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on." Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying. After the deadline, the student asks: "Did you really change the names of all the variables?" "Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1..." Q: What does the zero say to the eight? A: Nice belt! The math teacher asks his students: "What is 9 times 7?" He gets several answers - all are either 62 or 65. "Come on - the correct answer can either be 62 or 65!" "That math prof's marriage is falling apart!" "No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!" Q: How does one insult a mathematician? A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!" Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiance when he wants to propose? A: A polynomial ring! The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..." The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!" "Well - just take a larger pot!" A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician. "How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly. "Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..." Q: What is the most erotic number? A: 2110593! Q: Why? A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3... Theorem. A cat has nine tails.

Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails. Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples? A: A high school math problem! Trigonometry for farmers: swine and coswine... Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher? A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin... Q: What is a mathematician's pick when faced with the choice between poutine and eternal bliss in the afterlife? A: Poutine! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and poutine is better than nothing. Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean? A: Mbius Dick... Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down. The boy says: "It's a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!" The girl replies: "No - it's a cosin, silly!!!" Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components. The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence. The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them. "Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone. "That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place." The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39. The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive. In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..." "Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't... Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four... New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. After her husband's death, the elderly lady decided to go back to school and get a degree in mathematics. A few weeks into the term, she storms into the dean's office, exclaiming: "I've been silent until now - but I'm not going to take these obscenities anymore!" "What obscenities are you talking about?" She reaches into her purse and pulls out a notebook. "I noted of all of them. In my presence, professors had the complete lack of decency to speak of" - she leafs through her notebook - "Bruhat-Tits spaces, a pumping lemma, and even degenerate colonels!" Two mathematicians are studying a convergent series. The first one says: "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?" The second one asks: "Are you sure?" "Absolutely!" Q: How can you tell that Harvard was planned by a mathematician? A: The div school is right next to the grad school... A mathematician is asked by a friend who is a devout Christian: "Do you believe in one God?" He answers: "Yes - up to isomorphism." Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children? A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...' Q: Do you know any catchy anagram of Banach-Tarski? A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski... "Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Mother to her daughter: "Why does the tablecloth you just put on the table have the word `truth' written on it?" Daughter: "Because I want to turn the table into a truth table!" A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. "My head's spinning", the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in arbitrary N-dimensional space and then set N = 13." A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?" "Of course not, dear - I love you much more!" Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!" Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..." "So how's your boyfriend doing, the math student?" "Don't mention that crazy pervert to me anymore! We broke up." "How can you say such a nasty thing about him? He seemed to be such a nice boy." "Imagine! He was restless during the days and couldn't sleep at night - always trying to solve his math problems. When he had finally done it, he wasn't happy: he would call himself a complete idiot and throw all his notes into the garbage. One day, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told him to drop math. You know what he told me?" "No." "He said, he enjoyed it!!!" It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever