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Marriage: till death do us apart

A short and up- to- the point book for keeping your marriage together or making your

relationship work.

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A word from the author:

My mission as a psychology expert, a writer, a health advisor, and a researcher is to write

a series of up-to-the point, short but comprehensive books on the subjects that the modern world

is most curious and/or confused about. My writing is for the busy people who have little time but

a thirsty and curious mind. My writings are also meant to be creative not to follow the usual

trend of the book wiring world. I use my creativity and imagination to make my books a little

different. As Albert Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge” and I want to

make sure I give my writing a touch of both.

I spend an extensive time interviewing and talking to people from all walks of life to see

what it is that they are looking for, what questions they have, what confuses them and a wide

range of other subjects. Having a diverse background has been a useful tool in putting these

ideas together, objectively and scientifically, to make sure what I give the reader is uncensored

and unbiased to the best of my ability.

I understand that while most people have a curious mind but that for many of them life

gets too busy for them to be able to read a book that is too long, so my mission in writing is to

put all the key elements together in a short book to make it easier for the reader. I try to gather a

wealth of information and put the main and key points into a language that is easy to understand

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and even easier to follow. Every topic I write about has a root in psychology since that is my area

of expertise.

As for why I wrote this book, it has been my experience that while there are marriages

that have to end in divorce but the majority of divorces can be prevented. Therefore, it is my

intention to inform people about healthy relationships and how to make their marriage work; this

is just an extension of the work of many other psychologists and marriage experts. It has also

been my observation that some people when faced with challenges, tend to underestimate what

they have and overestimate what others have. For example, someone who has been married for a

long time may envy someone’s life of what he sees as an excitement and dating while the second

may envy the first’s stability and the solid partnership that it beholds. So while each one has its

pros and cons, it is important to take into consideration that many of us tend to do the wrong kind

of comparison. Therefore, being aware of that is useful and this book’s attempt is to bring more

awareness to that. In addition, this book tries to cover areas that the majority of people in a

modern world are struggling with; it discusses the stages of a relationship, how to make it work,

and what to do or not to do.

My vision for writing is to create content that is shorter than a book and longer than an

article. Keeping the information that matters while not overstretching it.

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What is marriage?

I have come to see many relationships break apart, and then the ones that are together,

many of them are suffering from what I call an emptiness syndrome. This is where there is a

relationship on the surface with not much depth and emotional/spiritual connection. What

motivated me to write this book was the fact that out of these broken or empty relationships most

of them could be “fixed”. It is just that many people do not know how to do it or do not want to

put the effort into it or that they put their effort into the wrong type of a solution.

When I ask the ones who are going through a divorce what happened, they usually

respond “we grew apart” or “we fell out of love” or “s/he fell out of love with me”. Asking for

more details, it seems like they are at loss with words or explanations as to what really happened

and that makes me wonder why it is that they are going through the most important decision of

their life without knowing why they are doing it. I also wonder if they know that with specific

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systematic techniques and measures that they can bring the once beheld love back into their life.

And yet again I wonder if they think the grass is greener outside which is what many people do.

This book’s focus is on any type of committed relationship specially marriage. To define

marriage we will consider it as a form of unity that solidifies itself through a social contract. In

an uncertain world, more than ever, people are finding themselves wanting to have a partnership

with someone who feels and is right. When I say “feels” I mean an intuitive connection with

someone and when I say “is” I mean it has to be rational and practical. As you will see in this

book, if both our rationality and our feelings are not a part of the choices we make for a partner,

it may not be as fulfilling or the relationship may not sustain itself.

Before I move on to the rest of the book there are a few statements that are the key

elements of this book and I want to share them with you:

Remember that the grass may seem greener outside so try not to compare and definitely

not to envy what you see as others having. Instead, focus on what you do have or are capable of

having to make it as you want. Because most times what you see with others is only the tip of the

iceberg and so much more is going on underneath.

Most any relationship can be turned into a good relationship if there is the foundation of

love and harmoniousness and an intention to make it work, but both involved have to have the

same intention and desire to keep it moving. Whatever does not move and grow dies and

whatever has no harmony and order will exhaust itself of the valuable energy needed for growth.

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To feel motivated, both partners have to feel like they are building the relationship rather

than rebuilding the damages. They have to feel appreciated and cared for. They have to feel like

the energy flows and circulates between the two and that is why compatibility is vital.

In many cases, when there used to be love but it has faded away, there are specific things

that can be done to help the love resurface. Through acts of kindness, affectionate and sensual

behaviors, and specific cognitive modifications; love can re-develop and be modified.

For any change to come, there has to be patience and tolerance. Use the relationship as a

tool to increase your tolerance since it is a needed tool for this fast pacing and diverse world

which is just getting more diversified. If you don’t learn to become tolerant, you will create a lot

of inner anxiety for yourself and drama for your surroundings.

Remember that in order for you to have a healthy relationship, you may have to go

through the stages of independence to dependence to inner dependence which is the healthiest

one of the three. This means the two of you would rely mutually on each other for emotional and

spiritual growth but one’s survival and happiness are not solely dependent on the other. In other

words, you don’t get anxiously attached but mutually connected to one another.

A solid relationship, in the form of marriage, is a crucial ingredient in most people’s

process of full growth. It gives them stability, a strong foundation, security, a path to wholeness,

and a sense of true partnership and team work.

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From the time there was such a thing as creation, there seems to have been a thing called

pair. Things work hand in hand, in opposite but complementary ways. According to

psychologists like Carl Jung, the point for us becoming our fully functioning self is to become

our “whole” self meaning we have to learn to work with both our feminine and our masculine

sides to bring out our full individuality. In addition to that more and more psychologists are

learning that this process may be harder for most people to accomplish fully without the help of a

partner since having a partner can be a great self reflection work.

Through the ebbs and flows of relationships we learn to be tolerant, compassionate,

resilient, and not impulsive. Working on a daily basis with someone who is in some ways

different from us but complimentary of us can really build us up. In addition to that the love

making, the connection, the exchange of ideas, and the team work can help us reach our goals

much faster. It is also important noting that ebbs and flows does not mean being in or having an

abusive or neglectful relationship. We are talking here about a relationship that is generally not

unhealthy. Meaning, it is not obsessive, controlling, abusive and neglectful. Those ingredients

can make a relationship poisonous up to a point where it makes it close to impossible to make it

work except if the two involved go through a radical self transformation.

It is as if we need a mirror reflection of our identity to complete it. Partners can help us

with our blind spots, they can become our objective sides, they can be our lost part, and they can

be our support in the growth process. If there is healing that needs to be done, emotionally,

spiritually and else; they can also help us with that. But one thing is clear, in order for us to

receive it, we have to learn to give it unconditionally.

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Just as good partnerships make the process easier, bad ones make it harder. Therefore,

making the right choice is necessary for a partnership. The foundation has to be set right since

shaky foundations are doomed to fall apart. If the relationship is solely based on lust or other

basic needs like financial, then the chance of it sustaining itself in a healthy form diminishes

except if there is change to the foundation.

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Stages of a relationship:

There are four major stages to any relationship. However, it is worth discussing that

these are general themes and there can always be an exception to a general themes. In addition,

while going through these stages, a couple may go back and forth or skip a stage or go through

more than one at a time.

These four stages are:

Honeymoon: Soon after the relationship starts, each partner enjoys a fascination with the other,

where there is little conflict or depth of connection. There is a lot of intense positive emotions at

this stage.

Rejection: After a few months, the partners may start to see some of the flaws with what he saw

as an “ideal” relationship. He may start comparing it unfavorably with his previous relationships.

This can result in some negative attitudes toward the relationship. There are a lot of mixed,

confusing, and intense negative emotions in this stage. If the two are aware and can manage to

pass through this stage then the next one comes along which is the tolerance.

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Acceptance: In time, the intensity of the partners’ emotions will lessen and both will learn to

acquire the skills and knowledge needed to survive the new relationship and to go through the

adjustment phase.

Merging: Both partners develop a confidence in each other and the new relationship, conflict

decreases, and the new home becomes another or a better way of life.

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Characteristics of relationships

There are four major characteristics when it comes to a relationship:

Integrated relationships: Here partners want to maintain their own identity but also want to

take on some characteristics of the other partner.

Assimilated relationships: Partners in this type of a relationship do not want to keep their

identity but would rather take on all of the characteristics of the partner.

Separated relationships: Partners want to separate themselves from each other either

emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

Marginalized relationships: One or both partners get to a point where they don’t want anything

to do with each other and they may see divorce or breaking apart as the only option.

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Questions to ask yourself when you are stepping into a relationship?

This chapter will focus on some questions you can ask yourself. Be honest with these

questions and reflect on them. A good way would be to write your thoughts and feelings while

you’re answering these:

1. Do I want a serious relationship or a casual one?

Note that the dynamic is totally different depending on whether you want the first or the

second. Usually a moderate number of dating experiences before having a serious one can be

helpful in understanding what you do and don’t want and also what may or may not work.

2. What do you seek in a serious relationship, security, loyalty, devotion, warmth, or

nurturing atmosphere? List them in order of priority and make sure you know which ones

are your core values (must haves) and which ones are your desired ones (preferred).

3. Do you like a great deal of physical affection, closeness and touching? If so, how crucial

is it to your well-being? Do you have a balance point to make sure you are not over

indulging in sensual comfort and pleasure?

4. When you make decisions for your relationship, do you have a balance between your

feeling (what feels right) and your rational judgment of the situation?

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Remember, what feels right may not always be rational and for anything long term the

two have to work hand in hand. You have to find the bridge between your feeling

(intuition and heart) and your thinking (logic and mind) to be able to find a partner that

gives you a full sense of connection. For example, a love that feels good but is

practically impossible to bring together may fade away by continuous struggle of partners

to make it work and vice versa. At the end, while some effort is necessary for

maintaining a relationship but it has to feel like you are building something rather than

chasing your won tail. If you are struggling with something for too long and have tried to

make it work but can’t, it could be a sign that you are not on the right path.

5. Do you feel comfortable talking about your inner most feelings to your partner and do

you encourage the same? If not, can you share this with your partner so he can help you

open up?

This is an important step, talking and communication bring out the unspoken words.

Unspoken words can turn into an emotional blockage, they work like cancerous cells.

Talking with a trusted partner who has an unconditional love will help with the growth

and healing process.

6. Do you genuinely try to understand how your partner may be different from you

including his biological make up like gender, emotional functioning, his personality/trait,

and his temperament?

It is important to be aware of the fact that while men and women have many similarities

but their biological make up makes them different in some ways. This understanding will

help you have more tolerance and compassion with the differences that are innately

designed and to learn a way to work with these characteristics rather than going in

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opposite direction. There are also specific traits and personality characteristics that

people are born with. This does not mean that people cannot change them, it just means

that if the person sees a need to change anything, it has to start with full acceptance. For

example, if your partner craves excitement, change and discovery and cannot tolerate a

routine with no surprises or challenges and you, on the other hand, are the opposite way;

how can the two of you use these unique qualities to work as a team and find a happy

middle with them. Do you have specific plans in place as to how to do that or are you

struggling with the concept?

Remember, people who crave excitement and discovery may seem impulsive at times and

also have a harder time committing to one thing. How are you going to help your partner

with this characteristic so he can find a balance point in this excitement through healthy

ways that won’t affect the relationship negatively. These have to be discussed and that is

why an open communication, tolerance and patience are necessities.

7. How important is it for you and your partner to have emotional freedom and what does

emotional freedom mean to you both?

Remember, many people say they want something but they can’t define it. You have to

make sure you have a specific definition of what having emotional freedom means to you

and your partner and make compromises with it if necessary.

8. Are you sensitive and sentimental and if so what does that mean to you and how would it

affect your relationship? Do you seek caring, emotional support, spiritual support, do you

like to be needed, are you in any way possessive?

9. When you care about someone, do you show it by thoughtful and sincere acts and

phrases? If not, are you willing to learn this vital skill?

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10. Are you and your partner willing to go through a compatibility analysis to determine how

you can build on your honest communication and how you can bring out your personality

traits to work together rather than against each other?

You can use many tools out there for this one including Zamora personality test, Myer

Briggs and many more. These personality traits will help you understand how different

you truly are from each other. Many times we may think we are very different from

someone but then digging deep, we find out we have so many things in common. But the

bottom line is that if the two of you have core values that are the opposite of each other, it

may make it harder for you to work together and understand each other. If so, the two

need even more determination, understanding, patients and tolerance and you may need

to seek professional help with a person whose education and experience is mainly

focused on relationship counseling. Also, consider the fact that there are cases where it

becomes impossible to make it work but this is much less than not. For example, a

prudent person may have a very hard time with a gambler and if the two cannot find a

way to work this out, then the relationship may not survive. At the end, it is not so much

the difference but how the two want to work it.

11. If there is an erotic increase in one partner, how is the other one going to respond to that?

Is s/he going to judge or to help bring it out and celebrate it in ways that will help the

relationship?

The intimacy that partners feel in sex is not just about the body’s attachment and

sensations. Sex brings about pieces of identity and personality that may not be available

otherwise. It is, therefore, necessary for the self discovery process due to many reasons

including its ultimate pleasure giving nature. The willingness to be sexually transparent

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brings about an exposure of the soul and heart that otherwise would have been close to

impossible.

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What does your childhood have to do with it?

It is important to understand our roots and our childhood to see its ripple effect on our

present life. If we don’t understand the root, we are doomed to repeat the same patterns even if

they are dysfunctional or counterproductive. However, going back to the early years is solely for

the purpose of increasing awareness, there is really no point in being stuck in negativity but

moving on after we’ve gained the information we were seeking. Therefore, it is important to go

back to the root with a sense of compassion knowing that people did what they did with the tools

and the awareness that they had. After all, ignorance is like a form of disease and people harm

each other because of ignorance. And ignorance is created because of the baggage people carry

and can’t get rid of. The baggage makes their path so heavy that it gets hard to see clearly. When

you walk your way to your past, you have to have a sense of understanding that having

compassion for something does not mean you don’t have clear boundaries or that the person who

did something wrong to you does not deserve to be held accountable. It just means you don’t

hold on to any negativity attached to the situation. For example, any form of anger, hate and

resentment must be released. When you go back, understand with compassion, release negative

attachments to the past, and learn from what happened and the patterns; if you can do that then

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you walk out with a tool that can be priceless. This tool has the capacity to increase your resilient

to challenges of life and your awareness of what could be deep within your shadow. Once you

learn how to work with your shadow, you will walk the path of wholeness. Keep on denying

your shadow and before you know it you will have your own baggage to walk with. A baggage

that will turn you into an ignorant person you so innately dread to become.

In life, there are countless opportunities to be with others and to be separate. The same

scenario presents itself when we are in a relationship. Finding this balance to become one with

the significant other but at the same keep our own individuality will have to go though a few

stages that needs an adjustment. As a couple, one of the healthiest places we can take the

relationship is integration. A couple who integrate keeps their own individuality and identity but

takes on some of the characteristics of the partner as well to mix and match. Integration is not the

same as assimilation where one partner wants to take all of the characteristics of the other one.

In other words, an integrated couple is similar in some areas and complementary of each other in

other areas. Again, the key element is the element of awareness and how the couple would act

non-judgmentally toward what they see as different. As far as these differences do not threaten

the core values of the relationship and it’s stability, and as long as they do not turn into power

struggles where one want to take over another and make him like her, these differences could be

positive.

To be able to integrate naturally, it is important to find what attachment style you may

have and where it came from, it will give you an insight as to how your relationship is emerging.

It is great to try to step outside the relationship and observe it objectively to see how it is

unfolding.

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When it comes to the attachment style, we have two major categories of attachment

which are secure and insecure. This is rooted in the type of attachment we had with our

caregivers when we were growing up. If we don’t become aware of the pattern, it can negatively

influence the relationship.

People who attach securely have the following characteristics:

1. They can become emotionally close to others if they choose to.

2. They feel comfortable being dependent on and depending on others for help. In other

words, they can give and receive and know that in order to do one, the other is needed.

3. They don’t worry about other people’s acceptance of themselves but they do what seems

right and in harmony with their core values.

4. They are not scared of being by themselves and being alone. So, there is not a need to be

with others based on fear of loneliness. If they want to be with others, it is a choice and a

desire. At the same time, they desire healthy connections while they stay away from or

have clear boundaries with the unhealthy ones.

5. They have a positive view of themselves and the people with whom they get close to, in

this case, their significant other. They feel comfortable to be affectionate and intimate

and to be inter-dependent in the relationship.

An example for this type of attachment would be if one’s partner has not called in the

course of the night then the other does not over react to this thinking that he is probably busy

or enjoying his time and that he will call as soon as he gets a chance if not tonight then

tomorrow morning. Then when he calls, the securely attached partner would ask him what

happened last night and will listen to his explanation and will help him understand her

feelings (e.g I was worried about you).

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On the other side of the spectrum is the insecure attachment. There are two major

categories of insecure attachments, anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant. Here are

some of the characteristics of these two:

Anxious-preoccupied attachment:

1. They have to have a complete emotional intimacy to feel content but at the same time are

reluctant to let it happen.

2. They seek constant approval and a lot of responsiveness.

3. They may become overly dependent on their partner.

4. They have high levels of emotional impulsivity, are hyper sensitive, and over reactive.

5. They fully blame themselves or the partner for any relationship issues.

6. They may be overly affectionate or overly cold riding on roller coaster of emotions.

An example for this type of an attachment would be the partner not calling and the other

checking and re-checking the phone and thinking about going out and tracking the partner.

Then they would either stop talking to the partner, get furious and yell and shout, accuse, and

make threats.

Dismissive avoidant attachment:

1. They don’t want to depend on others or have others depend on them.

2. They keep on telling themselves that they are happy with no emotional closeness.

3. They push their independence to the edge of becoming avoidant of any potential

closeness.

4. They see themselves as self-sufficient and not having the same vulnerabilities that all

humans experience.

5. They have less positive views of their partners and seek less intimacy.

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6. They suppress and deny their true feelings and distance themselves from anything

they perceive as a potential source of rejection.

7. They are not willing to take any risks for relationships.

An example of this type of attachment would be the partner not calling and the other

not even noticing that he has not called.

Looking at these types of attachments will open the window to your childhood pattern

and how things are unfolding in your relationship right now. If the two in a relationship are

willing to take a close look at their attachment pattern, then they can help each other heal the

process and turn the relationship into one that is securely attached. This can only be done

through determination to change on behalf of the one with the non secure attachment and non

judgmental support on behalf of the partner who wants to help him overcome it.

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What does it take to keep the marriage and to make it work?

Some psychologist strongly believe that we pick partners that subconsciously are similar

to our childhood caregivers in some ways so that we can trigger our childhood wounds and heal

them or if there was any part that was not nurtured and needs to go through nurturing. In

addition, if there is a part of us that we disown, our subconscious due to its nature of wanting us

to be our whole self will put us in situations where we have opportunities to experience all of our

self. That is why we become subconsciously attracted to partners that are a match for that.

Doing this we can bring any repressed parts out of the shadow and with enough awareness we

can learn to work with all there is to us.

When we are faced with situations that our subconscious mind brings to us for healing

and growth, we may see the challenge as painful. This new situation may feel uncomfortable

creating a sense of emotional pain. This emotional pain is nothing more than a signal that we

have been damaged or that something is not quite right. Then our next step would be to pay

attention to it.

While we are feeling an emotional pain in a relationship we can do the following to

decrease the pain:

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1. In order to deal with the emotional pain healthy eating is a must. Fruit and vegetables

which are organic and fresh would change the chemistry of the body and the way we

respond to pain. Eliminating alcohol, drugs (except the ones prescribed by a doctor we

trust) or chemicals is necessary as these may make us either numb to the experience or

over sensitive both of which will block the potential for full healing. Sometimes, to heal

the source of pain, you have to walk right into the pain. Avoiding or denying it through

drugs will not do the work.

2. Anything positive and healthy that can give you a balance point from the source of pain

and planning them ahead of time would be a useful to make sure you don’t get

overwhelmed by the pain. Also, having specific techniques to shift focus during the phase

you are feeling the emotional pain. For example, having a list of activities that would

diversify your focus and that would give you a sense of pleasure or achievement like

exercise, dancing, relaxation, meditation, connecting with nature or anything you find

useful.

3. Mood management through positive self talk and eliminating negative self talk.

4. Working on any type of relationship issues you may have and investing in yourself if you

need to seek a good professional’s advice or support.

5. Learning to become assertive and to have clear boundaries.

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Self statements

This chapters will give you self statements that would be helpful in working on your

relationship. When you set your intention as if you are already doing this, it will be engraved in

your mind and you will automatically do these when the need arises. Of course, practice makes

perfect.

These statements are:

The strengths I like most about my partner are the ones I need to develop myself toward

my fullest self. E.g list his strengths and what you find attractive in him. Make sure you look at

this list on a regular base.

We usually (not always) bring the best of each other out or try to do so.

We help each other see those blind spots that we each behold.

We know and/or are learning how to not make each other defensive so we would actually

listen to each other’s point of view with compassion rather than disregarding each other.

We are trusting of each other’s intention and know that even though sometimes our

behavior may slip here or there a little but that we would bounce back and would not let in a

pattern that is damaging to our relationship.

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We both are aware and respect the fact that while our individuality needs to be respected

and encouraged but that the main focus is shifting to making the relationship and the partnership

healthy since that would also help us with sustaining a healthy sense of individuality and vice

versa.

*Once the couple achieves individuality, they need to learn to bring those together to work on

interdependency which means learning to make compromises.

We will seek good quality professional help or will read a good book by experts on the

subject when we feel uncertain or stuck.

We will have an open communication and if one is not in a phase of giving this fully, we

will let each other know and will give each other some time out so we are both ready for this

communication.

Me and my partner will work on empathic listening to be able to hear each other fully

without judgments and interruptions, without giving each other advice (unless it is asked for and

we know the answer), and with an undivided attention. We also respect the fact that if we talk

too much that we need to take into consideration that the other may get tired. So, we have

learned each others’ capacity for this and we respect that.

We have specific acts of kindness that we implement on a regular base to make the

marriage stronger.

We talk about everything and if there is a subject that we are uncomfortable about we

encourage each other to go with what feels right and sharing only what we want and explaining

to each other why we are not sharing what we are not. We also realize that it is important for

everyone to have some level of privacy while it is also healthy for the relationship to be open and

honest with the matters that are relevant to the relationship.

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We are passionate about helping each other with our shadow side. We have both learned

about this subject and realize that everyone has this and the more one represses this, the more it

will negatively affect the person and his surrounding and his relationships. Therefore, we realize

that if we encourage each other with exploring and discussing the shadow side and not acting as

if we are perfect that we can help each other get close to our fully functioning self.

We compromise without rubbing it in each other’s face. At the end, we both realize that if

the marriage is healthy and nurturing, we both benefit. So there is really no compromise since at

the end we are also receiving whatever we’re giving.

We realize that since we are getting comfortable with each other that we may bring out

each other’s shadow side. Then we can help each other find a way to work with the shadow to

integrate it into our whole self. This takes tolerance, compassion, non judgmental behavior and a

positive attitude.

We realize that we cannot be idealistic but have to be realistic. Idealism usually leads to

disappointments and loss of motivation. We do the best we can with what we have.

We realize that at points we may want to have some privacy and me times and we respect

and encourage that.

We do not devalue what we see as each other’s shortcomings and remind each other of

the strengths we have.

You can print this list and put it somewhere where you can read it over and over again

and remember, you can re-program your brain with enough information, practice, and

application. And with this, you will have a whole new set of attitude and thinking pattern which

will change the way your life unfolds.

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Your brain, love and lust

There are some basic elements that you have to consider when the dynamic of your

relationship is about to be changing. If you are aware of these, you won’t give up thinking that

the love is over. Love changes form and goes from one stage to another. Love is a spectrum and

a process rather than a set place to be. If you want to move it, then you have to take the

appropriate steps at the right time with awareness. In other words, you have to be familiar with

the ebbs and flows of your relationship and it’s synchronicity. Synchronicity happens where two

events which are, on the surface not causally related, experienced at the same time or happening

in a meaningful manner. It is how you pay attention to these meanings and make them work for

the relationship that makes the relationship fulfilling. It is worth noting that Carl Jung was the

first psychologist who explained the term.

The stages that love goes through usually starts from passion which is mostly based on

chemistry and represents itself in the form of lust and pleasurable attraction. This is the

beginning part. If this stage survives itself and the two find a deeper connection, then it can

move on to the next level which is the level including an intimacy, caring and friendship.

Remember that some of these stages may over lap and some may go through a back and forth

motion but this is the general theme. Also, when sex is involved, both people involved have to

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be able to realize that getting pleasure from sex is not the same thing as feeling a complete sense

of love and even though it could be a big part of love especially in the passionate stage but it is

not love. Some people mix up the two concepts and see their physical attraction to someone as

loving them and they are surprised that after a few months this “love” faded away.

After the first few months are passed, if the stage survives itself and both involved in the

relationship are ready, then they can move on to the next level which is the intimacy. The

intimacy stage has a feeling of closeness and understanding within the relationship and will start

the foundation for the next level which is commitment. The length for this stage differs with

different couples. There may be some power struggle and some challenges the couple has to

face at this stage. In addition, couples may benefit from reading good books on the subject,

going to workshops presented by experts, or going to relationship counseling. Then after the

adjustment phase is passed, there will be a certain level of stability that will be the foundation for

a long lasting and committed relationship. And this is where the attachment starts to form.

Now related to love and brain, when it comes to love, sex, and all the feelings attached to

these concepts, there are specific things that happen in the brain. The brain has these pleasure

centers that let us know when something feels good and is like a reward circuit which has all sort

of pleasures from sex to laughing. The brain areas that are active during pleasant activities are

the amygdale (regulates basic emotions), VTA (releases dopamine), cerebellum (controls muscle

function), and pituitary gland (releases beta-endorphin which decreases pain, oxytocin which

increases the feeling of trust and vasopressin which increases bonding).

During the stage of lust, the sex hormones progesterone and estrogen are the driving

force. Then when there is more and more attraction, physical changes start happening. This is

where the person’s heart races when he sees the other. There is an increase in the blood levels

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of adrenalin and cortisol. There is a high level of dopamine in the couples who are “love stuck”,

dopamine is the chemical responsible for stimulating desire and reward by brining a sense of

pleasure. This is why when couples are in love, there is a surging dopamine increasing the

couple’s energy level, having less need to sleep or eat, and focusing on the small details of the

relationship. And another crucial chemical in the falling in love process is serotonin which can

explain why you keep on thinking about the person you’re falling in love with. Some studies

have suggested that serotonin level of new lovers are similar to someone who has obsessive

compulsive disorder.

Then after all these chemical changes, there is a stage of an attachment which is the bonding

time. During this stage the major hormone that may be at work are oxytocin and vasopressin

which are responsible for trust and bond. Oxytocin is released during the love making process

and an orgasm and makes couples feel close to each other. So, the more good quality sex, the

better. Oxytocin is also responsible for nurturing and wanting to take care of one another. Then

another important hormone released after sex is vasopressin.

When it comes to sex, there are some differences in the male versus the female brain. In

women a part of the brain called PAG is activated which is the area that controls the flight or

fight response. There is also a decreased activity in the amygdale and hippocampus which have

to do with fear and anxiety. This may be due to women having the desire to feel safe and relaxed

in order to have sex.

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What makes a healthy relationship?

The first thing that is important for building a healthy relationship is that it should not be

unhealthy. Since this book is focused mainly on what is working and making it better, I

won’t go into details about unhealthy relationships but an unhealthy relationship is

characterized by a relationship that has the elements of neglect and abuse (emotional,

physical, or spiritual).

A healthy relationship is characterized by the following:

1. There is support for the things that each partner wants to do individually beside the

ones the partners want to do together.

2. The partners encourage each other for exploring new things and learning new skills,

growing, and advancing in life.

3. The partners know how to actively and empathically listen to each other with care and

understanding.

4. The partners respect each other’s close friends and family.

5. The partners give each other a sense of reassurance and do not create uncertainly.

6. The partners encourage each other to look good and healthy but show affection

regardless.

7. The partners do not feel like the other one is controlling them but feel a sense of

caring and wanting to be involved in each other’s life. There are no manipulation

tactics, no emotional blackmails, and no passive aggressive behaviors.

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8. Partners are not unpredictable in the way they behave and there is a consistency with

how he approaches things.

9. Partners make each other feel secure and certain about the relationship.

10. Partners lift each other up when one is in need of a cheer up.

11. Partners do not get into the blaming game but look for solutions when a problem hits.

12. Partners make each other feel like they are wanted and cared for.

13. There is clear, open and honest communication.

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Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the different

between damaging your relationship versus deepening it. That factor is attitude. William James

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. Carl

Jung

Love comes when manipulation stops: when you think more about the other person than about

his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be

vulnerable. Dr. Joyce Brothers

Follow that will and that way which experience confirms to be your own. Carl Jung