Magic, A Beginning

7/31/2019 Magic, A Beginning

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by J. A. Rohde, illustrated by the author

Book Jacket

For many years now, the world has been at peace. The last great upheaval brought apowerful determined monarch to the throne and he [AidenYou might want to identify thehe with a name.] has gone onto possess many powerful determined sons and by this point[Aiden--everyone who was anyoneheythis is a clich or at least very commonlanguageuse your own creative words; I know you can.] was either under their rule orunder their boot. Watch your pronoun referencefirst you referenced the monarch, whichis a plural entity and then switched to first person with he and then went onto (which is oneword by the way and I fixed in your copy) their, which is plural possession, so I would pickone and stay with it]

Crops were good, the weather was clement and for the most part people werecontent. War was a grandfathers memory and something to tell grand stories about. Swordshad long since taken up residence over hearths throughout the land.

But then the wizards came.

Inciting openinggreat! I made a few changes in the first couple of linesseeif you can tell, then I made notes for the others for you to change.


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Finn

Late one night, when everyone was asleep, it fell. It came down softly like new snowon everyone and everything. It thundered down from the sky, slamming down like hail onpigs and goats and any number of startled cats. It splattered like rain on houses, farms, and

ships at sea. It scythed through air sparking and sputtering like lighting. No one felt it orheard a sound. But the world was never the same after that night.On that winters night the world was struck by what crazy men in black socks and

sandals, sometimes know as scientists, called a strange wave.What is a strange wave you ask? Well, perhaps they required some explanation these

days, now that people have started understanding the world and stopped actually looking atit.

There are, you see, only two forces that control all matter and energy in themultiverse. These are the static force and the strange force. [AIDEN: I thought you told methis was called the sticky force and the strange forcekind of like the sticky force]

The static force is responsible for holding all parts of the universe together. It makesplanets turn about each other and electrons turn around nuclei. It balances scales andprevents womens bodices from achieving the lofty artistic ideal. Without it, wewouldnthave much of anything.

However, the static force by itself would make for a very uninteresting universe.Everything would simply be crushed into an unremarkable ball in the center of nothing. Thisis why we have the strange force.

The strange force, moves in waves across time and space and these wave causechange wherever they wash. Sudden, random, unpredictable change. Matter turns intoenergy, light becomes solid, ten thousand pink flamingos sprout from a single cupcake.GREAT VISUAL. This doesnt happen all the time, in fact the likelihood of anythingnoticeable at all happening is many billions to one. But that doesnt mean nothing happenedthat night.

[AIDEN: This sentence is a long string of preposition phrases, so you might want torewrite or shorten into several sentence or add more details to introduce this visual.] In theAbbey of St. Anne of Asyria at the at the far edge of the town of Darby in a little straw cot, aboy named Finn noticed a slight itch on his right ear. He scratched, rolled over in bed, andcontinued sleeping.

It was a turning point in his life, not that he knew it at the time.Finn, or Finnius, as no ever called him, was a ten-year-old boy whos only family in

the world was his little sister, Lily. He and his sixteen-month-old charge had been dumped atthe back door of the Abbey on a crisp morning only a few days before the wave struck.

[AIDEN: Avoid putting space between your paragraphs unless you want to show alarge passage of time. Also, spell out easy numbers like sixteen, I fixed above.]

Uncle Henry had turned up the day after their mother had died. He walked into theirlittle house and looked at Finn and Lily as if they were furniture. [Good conveying ofemotions here.]

You my sisters kids? he had said.Finn just stared back at him, and Lily began to cry.After that he took them to his house, a little hovel above a filthy lane in the back of

town. He tossed some moldy bread and a pitcher of icy water on the table and left themthere. Finn had soaked the bread to make it soft enough for Lily to eat and then the two of


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them had curled up on the filthy mattress in the corner. He could remember the piss smellof the blanket and the sounds of whooping men, and harsh voices of women yelling out intothe night. [Good description.]

The next day, Uncle Henry, who smelled bitter and had dark rims around his eyes,had taken them to St. Annes.

While Finn held Lily close to him to keep her out of the wind, Uncle Henry hadtalked for a moment with the prioress of the Abbey. After that he had turned and trudgedaway through the windblown snow.

Finn watched him go over his shoulder as the prioress shuffled them inside. Henever looked back.

The prioress of St. Annes was called Sister Mary. She had taken the two inside andgiven them to a pair of novices dressed in white. They took the children into room, filled abig copper tub with hot water as Lily and Finn watched, and then they stripped the filthyclothes off the children and scrubbed at them with rough soap and a will. After they wereplucked pink and steaming from the bath, the young women dressed them in brown smocksand brought them into dining hall.

Here were children of all ages, jostling and pushing, laughing and bragging, and

talking while the sister gathered at the far end of the hall. The novices hurried to this tableand left the pair on their own. The other children, who took little interest in Emily Lily andFinn, all stood in a long queue in front of a stern looking sister wielding a ladle. She frowneddown upon them like the queen of a great castle might frown down upon an unwashedmongeloid host.

The two children looked at each other for a moment. Lily didnt speak much yet, butwhen she smiled up at him Finn knew what she was saying.

Well, this beats standing in the snow any day.She reached up and put her little hand in Finns and together they stepped into the

throng.Later that evening the prioress came to the little room where Lily and Finn were to

sleep, she sat down on the small hard bed and looked at the pair of them for a long moment.I have something for you two. These were your mothers, your uncle left them for

you.She handed Finn a pair of earrings. They werent much for anyone else to look at; a

cheap glass bead on a twist of copper wire, but for Finn they brought the face of his motherswimming up to the top of his mind. [Great line.] He went to sleep that night with themclutched in his hand.

It is a feature of life that, no matter what situation one is forced into, it always settlesdown to form a pattern. So it was with life at the orphanage.

There were nearly forty odd orphans who lived in the Abbey; a varied mob of boysand girls from a year old all the way to fourteen or fifteen. Morning, noon, and night there

were prayers and meals, but the rest of the time those children who were old enough helpedwith the running of the Abbey. Finn was assigned to help the baker, a big man named Oatleywhose face was as red as a cherry when it was not covered in flour. Every morning, Finn gotup early before dawn prayers and started work in the spacious abbey kitchen.

It was not a bad life. A little monastic, a little dull, but Finn and Lily were juststarting to get the hang of it when the world turned upside down. [clichtry rewriting thisseveral different ways.]

The morning after the strange wave hit Finn, he didnt feel any different. He wokeup and started his day just as he had for the last week. He left Lily sleeping and hurried down


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They moved swiftly away from the brightly lit windows of the taller buildings andout into the snow. They peered into the darker night, in which the abbey could be seen as adark mass against the moonlit snow.

At the back door of the abbey, the two figures knocked quietly on a little woodendoor. After a moment the door opened and the moon peered into the homely face of Sister

Mary. It was a kind face, but now it was furtive and creased with worry.She stood for a moment talking quietly with the two figures and then the taller figurereached out and pressed a small bag into her palm. The owl heard the chink of metal. Thewoman retreated for a moment back into the gloom. She returned soon bearing a bundle ofrags in her arms. She peeked at Lilys sleeping face.

Then wrapping the blankets tight, she pressed the child into the hands of one of thecloaked figures. The two turned away and began to walk back towards the lights.

From behind the door there was a scuffle, and then Finn burst out into the snow.Wait, wait. He dashed after the two figures. He was panting when they turned

towards him.Here, this is hers. He was holding one of the two earing and he pressed it into his

sisters hand and closed her fingers around it. He stood on tiptoe and looked down into her

face. He gave her a little kiss on the forehead and then stepped back.Shell be safe? he asked.The man looked down at Finn. He had a grand face, full of a black beard and with

stern eyes under huge eyebrows, but when he looked down at Finn his glance was gentle.Yes.Then the pair turned back towards the town and walked away. Finn shivered in the

snow as he noticed for the first time that he was barefoot. He turned as the snow crunchedbehind him.

Sister Mary came and stood behind Finn. She put her hands on his shoulders.Together, they walked back to the abbey.

The next day, a wagon pulled up in front of the Abbey.

A grizzled man climbed down from the seat and stretched his stiff back. He yawnedwidely, looked about the courtyard, and then he spotted Sister Mary frowning down at himfrom a high window and quickly shut his mouth. His name was Tom, or Thomas, as hissister Sister Mary insisted on calling him.

Finn saw him eating at the great hall, sitting quietly at the long table chewing veryslowly. He looked up as Finn walked past.

Finn flinched as he caught the strangers glance. One eye was normal and kindly, butthe other sagged in its socket, the skin all around it drooping and pink. Finns first impulsewas to retreat with all haste, but then the stranger smiled. In another face the smile mighthave looked like a worse than the eye, since it was equally lopsided and showed only half of aset of teeth like dinosaur bones, incomplete, and open to interpretation as to their intended

shape. [Good physical description.]Perhaps it was that the smile that balanced the crookedness of the eye, or maybe theentire picture became so horrible it was comical, but Finn suddenly felt reassured. At first hegiggled, then he chuckled, then he laughed aloud. At first the stranger was a little nonplused,but soon he too began to laugh.

This is how Finn first met Tom.Tom was one of the Crisscross Traders, a group of men who were true to their

creed.


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Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night can prevent the eventualdelivery of some of your goods.

He had traveled far and wide carrying every cargo conceivable and now he washeaded south with a small cargo of fine wool clothing to clothe the backs of people who hadnever seen sheep. In addition he had a variety of strange musical instruments, a selection of

rare dried herbs, and one particularly extravagant fur hat. That was until his sister had sent amessage to him in the city.Apparently someone with money was interested in finding Finn a good home,

somewhere a very long way away from Darby.That is why when the wagon rolled away, rattling southward over the cobbles, there

was a little boy riding next to Tom. He looked back once, to see the Abbey of St. Anne fieryred in the pearly snow, then he looked away down the great road south.

(Screw children, onto trashy romance with a vengeance.) LOL.


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Gideon

Gideonsnuggled up close to her warm back, draping one arm over her side. He blewher hair away and wriggled his face into the nape of her neck. He felt her left hand slidedown to meet his and their fingers intertwined.

Mmmm, my sweet lady of the lake. You are fair to behold, delicate of feature, andyou smell ever so slightly like the bottom of a pond. he murmured into her ear.

Annabelleused her free right hand to bat him with a pillow.No fair she said, wiggling into him. You made me fall into that horrible swamp.My dear lady I dont know what you mean. Surely it was the hand of fate that

nudged that log.She rolled around to face him, big brown eyes looking into his, just inches away.

Smiling she said, But it was you who suggested we walk across that log in the first place.And I am so terribly sorry, though I will admit, bearing you dripping from the water

was a lot of fun, and made me feel quite gallant.Oh yes, men like you think nothing of braving three treacherous feet of water to aid

a damsel in distress. How terrible it must have been for you to be damp all they way to theknees. She grinned as she said this and brought her nose up to just touch the end of his.For a long time, they laid there gazing into each others eyes. Eventually, they kissed.

It seemed the only sensible thing left to do.Outside the cool night wind rushed around the castles walls, but inside the lovers

room was warm. A fire blazed in the grate, the walls were hung with rugs, and the floorcovered with skins.

Gideon slid out of the kiss and rolled away across the bed. He snatched up blanket,and [Aiden: Promise me that you will never put a comma on the right side of the wordandokay?] wrapping it about himself[You might want to say a his waist or shouldersinstead of himselfspell check does not like it] strode over to the little table before thewindow. He found the wine and a small earthenware cup, walking to the window pulled

back the heavy curtain and looked down into the night.Annabelle laid there admiring her catch. His muscular shoulder flickered in the red

light while the moon bathed his face in rays of white. How brave he would look at the nexttourney standing tall above all of those other knights, she thought. [AIDEN: When you haveyour characters think, youre right in not using quotation marks, but do use a comma beforethe words she thought.

She saw it in her mind. Her Gideon, riding around the field on his milk white horse,and all the other great beauties of the land would whisper behind their fans and starelongingly after him. And she would just sit and smile, until when he came to the Lists, hewould ride up to where she was, and taking off his golden helm, would bow before her.

My lady, he would say I humbly request some small token, that I might ride in

your honor on this day.Then she would rise from the crowd of murmuring duchesses and princesses and

remove a silver scarf from about her throat, tossing it into the air. He would catch it andpress it to his lips and then charge off to win honor and glory in her name. She couldnt waitto see the looks on all of those snotty little whores faces when they saw that she, a merelords daughter was the lady love of the great Gideon.

Gideon stiffened at the window.What is it darling? she said, still lost in her own fantasy.


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Gideon rode fast for several miles until he was far from the castle and the hamletthat surrounded it. He turned of the road and led the horses into the trees for a few hundredyards. When he judged he was far enough from the road, he flopped in the hollow of a bigtree and opened the sack with the food he had stolen from the kitchen late that night, on thepretext of bringing dinner to the daughter of the castle, who was resting after her mishap in

the woods.The cook had grinned and winked at him when he said he would take the meal uphimself. Gideon had grinned right back. Enjoying the irony.

He bit into an apple tart and wished his cleverness had extended to wrapping someof the food in a clean cloth. No one enjoys apple tart covered in straw and little gritty bits.But looking at the other bag, filled with a selection of jewels, silver and gold trinkets, andanything else of value, pilfered surreptitiously over the last week, he decided chewing threw alittle gravel was all right.

He finished some of the food and rolled himself tightly in his cloak for the night,trying to not to think about how much warmer his spot next to Annabelle had been.

[AIDEN: This is what the industry calls authors intrusion and while it is a rule onceyou know it, you can break it. See how the rest works out and if you do it again. If only once,

I would remove it; otherwise if you think this is a technique you will continue to use, then goahead and leave it.] The reader has no doubt formed his or her own opinions of Gideon scharacter and morals by this juncture, and I wont try to impose on you one way or theother. Instead, while he sleeps, let me tell you something of his life story.

[AIDEN: This is what is called telling instead of showing and again you can leave itor take a stab at rewriting it as a dream sequence as he falls asleep or as character internalthoughtssomething to think about.] Gideon was born in the slums of a great city, and,running away from his family at an early age eventually found a place among a group oftraveling actors. All the adventures that befell him would take more pages than I have to tell,but eventually the troop came to a holdfast not far from where Finn had grown up.

It was spring and the birds where out in force when the thespians wagons rolled up

before Bamber Hall. They were brought before Lord Bamber, a jovial man of exquisite girth,who loved all forms of entertainment. He welcomed them kindly and insisted they put on aproduction that very evening.

And what an evening it was. Lord Bamber was many things, rich, self satisfied, proneto gout, but there was one thing that no man would ever name him, impotent. His children,wives, servants, nearly fifty in all, filled the hall that night while Gideon and the performerspranced about on stage. They owwed, ahhhed, chatted, laughed, ate and smiled like one greatbig family. And when the ten-year-old Gideon lay in a little straw cot in the hay loft thatnight, with his stomach more full than it had been in many months, he gave up hiswandering life and decided Bamber Hall was the place for him.

So, when after many days, the wagons rolled away down the dusty road, Gideon was

not with them. The horse masters [AIDEN: Watch your possessivenessyou dont use anapostrophe so I added in the earlier references, but thought I better start pointing themoutto you.] son had died some months since and so Gideon, always easy with animals, foundthat he got to keep his cot in the stables. Here Gideon remained and Bain the horse mastertook charge of him.

There was only one thing he found odd. He would frequently be mistaken as one ofBambers children, even by the children themselves. It wasnt until several weeks into his lifeat the holdfast that he learned why.


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One day he was helping move furniture into Lady Bambers [AIDEN: This ispossessiveI fixed.] apartments when he caught sight of a boy looking at him through acopper colored window. Moving closer to investigate he saw that it was one of the Bamberchildren, apparently playing a trick on him. For the child in the little window was copyingeverything that he did. He moved and jumped and made faces trying to trick the copycat, but

the boy on the other side of the window was perfect.By this time, some of the other servants had realized what was going on and hadbegun to chuckle. Gideon, sick of the game, and annoyed by being laughed at walked overand slapped at the copper mirror he took for a window.

Ahhhgg! he jumped and let out a whoop,when the window toppled away toreveal nothing but a stone wall behind it. It took the other servants a moment to drag himout from the closet he had hidden himself in, but eventually they got around to telling him,between gales of laughter, what a mirror was and how it worked.

Gideon, like many people of that era, had never before seen more than a dimreflection of himself in a still pool of water. Mirrors were a rarity. The actors had done eachothers [AIDEN: Possessive again.] make-up, and his mother had always shaved his father.At that time you had to ask, How does this look on me?

From then on Gideon made a point to come and look in the mirror as often as hecould manage. He was indeed, the spitting image of a Bamber. He had the same dark curlyhair and dark eyes, so uncommon in that part of the world.

It wasnt long until he started to use this fact to his advantage. He found he couldpass for one of the children and demand food from the kitchens, when he wanted it,providing he imitated their way of talking. He also started to play with some of the youngerchildren and one day, he went with them to their afternoon lessons with the chaplain.

The Master Abbomba was a harsh man with a voice that boomed like cannon ballsbeing rolled down stone stairs, but he was also nearly blind and so never noticed thepresence of an extra pupil in his classes. The other children presumed Gideon was meant tocome to class with them, and so, incognito, he learned reading, writing, mathematics, and

history.There was a limit, though. Things like swordplay or hunting with the men of the

castle were barred to him. At these times, his clothes would give him awa for however muchhe looked a Bamber, he still smelled and dressed as a stable boy.

One night he dressed in clothes from one of the other children and went with themto sit at the great table where the family ate their meals on special occasions. He felt a handon his shoulder and turned around to see Bain, the horse master, smiling down at him andshaking his head. That night he ate with Bain and they talked about the way the world is.

Just remember that you are you. Bain said. Youll find nothing but trouble if yougo chasing a life that you cant have. Where someone is born doesnt make a man smarter, orstronger, or more able, but its a part of who he is, and youll be that much happier if you

know who you are and where you come from. You can paint a potato gold and maybe fool afew men with it, but in the end it will do you more good just to eat it and push on with life.[AIDEN: This is good dialogue from the wise horse master and is revealing in his character.]

Gideon eventually saw the sense of the thing. After all, if he were caught he wouldbe sent away, and then where could he go? But because he enjoyed them and perhaps as asmall act of rebellion, he continued to go to lessons and Bain kept quite about it.

And so, the first winter passed. He learned to ride, and to break horses, and for thenext several years he lived happily enough from day to day. He was good with the animals,


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and quick witted, and he grew up tall and fair, so that he never lacked for friends or things tofill his days. But he still felt a tension and it rankled at him as he grew older.

[AIDEM: Author intrusion number 2] You see, he had come to realize that thehappy family he had seen on that spring night in the moonlight was not actually the one hehad joined. He lived in the family that supported the family: the butlers, the smiths, the

maids, the cooks, and the pages, these were his kin. A good family, and often as cheerful andruddy as the family it served, but more likely to be cheerful over ale than wine and dressed inbrown instead of sable.

Not that Gideon ever really understood it that clearly. People rarely completelyunderstand a problem they themselves have. Otherwise, they would be solved.

He simply felt as if he was stifling and so, one day, he decided to leave Bamber Halland chance his luck.

Now, it was common in those days of peace and plenty for young men of noblebirth to journey widely, lodging with noble families as they traveled from hamlet to hamlet.It was a way to show good will between the houses and allow prospective suitors to glimpsetheir various options rather like a livestock show, but significantly less smelly.

So one day when winter was still clinging on by its fingernails, a horse and a stable

boy vanished from Bamber Hall. That day Gideon Bamber was born.And here we find him, huddled under a tree, with his head pillowed on a collection

of stolen trinkets.That night, the strange wave hit earth. Gideon slept right through it like everyone

else, but his right ear started to itch.


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Emerus & Eleanor

Knock, knock.Please sir, continue, said the lovely young woman. Her eyes looked solicitously up

at him. In her lap, her tiny dog snarled at him and gnawed at its ribbon.

Emerus raised his eyes to her face, going a bit red on the way up. He had thought hehad heardhe shook his head and held the book up to the dim light of the candles.The battle of Little Big Horn was, despite its name, a great victory in Bigger Indian

War, however, [AIDEN: Note, the word however always gets commas on both sides if inthe middle of a sentence.] it needs to be noted that the above is a statement thats validity isnow difficult to ascertain. Though Custard fought valiantly, the defeat was a very grave onefor the United Forces and has been cited by a variety of esteemed historians to represent asignificant

And on and on. The book had to be the worst thing he had ever read, dry, andterrible in its attention to detail. Looking down at it, Emerus guessed that given its size itmight be better firewood than literature. Still if The Grand Matron, Governess to theUndercloud Clan and Supreme Master of All Things Scholastic, (or Bertha for short) insistedon having the Duchesss young tutor teach from it, what could he do?

His eyes wandered back to her again and were surprised to find her looking at him.Most of his other pupils looked either drowsy or a bit confused when he was reading fromThe Book, but now she was looking directly at him and smiling in a way that made Emeruswonder about how long this job might last. Just as he registered all this and started to turnquickly back to the book

KNOCK! KNOCK!Both Emerus and Eleanor turned to the door just now becoming aware of the raised

voices coming from the hall. There was an angry exclamation and then what sounded toEmerus like a crazed iron monkey ripping through a barren banana plantation.

The big slug splintered the door of Duchesss room and, all it energy spent, landed

politely on the carpet next to Emeruss feet. It was followed by a huge man, purple in theface, flying backwards into the room waving a pair of pistols with which he was blastingaway at his enemy in the hall. The man in the hall responded by screamingAaaaaah at anamazing volume and clutching his leg. This seemed not to be the response the fat man hadwanted because he charged into the hall and began viscously kicking the man on the groundwith his very expensive high-heeled boot.

The deadly lump of metal landing by his foot scared Emerus just a bit. When itarrived, he leapt to his feet causing The Book to fly into the air. This action knocked overthe little center table with the candles and lovely, laced dolly and spilled the flaming missilestraight into the Duchesss lap. Seeing the danger, Emerus jumped forward, pushing theDuchess out of the way so that she stumbled across the room, tripped on her dress and fell

in a heap onto the bed.The little dog, following some ancient survival instinct, leapt from the youngwomans lap and, finding itself in midair, snarled and snapped wildly. Somewhere along theway, it found Emeruss inner thigh and bit down hard, rows of nasty little teeth sinking deepinto his trousers.

Now in pain, Emerus staggered about whimpering and smacking at the demonicanimal with all his might. This took up most of his attention, so it took him a moment tonotice that he had backed into the flaming mass that had once been rather a nice laced dolly.


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So pants aflame and dog attached, he leapt about the room beating desperately at both dogand flames until he spied the washbasin beside the bed. Running towards it, lifting hisburning leg on high so as to plunge it into water he tripped on the miniature cannon ball,which had started the ruckus and went head over heels upending the washbasin and landedwith spectacular style on top of the bed. [Good action scene.]

For a moment he lay, eyes closed, with his face resting on something soft, just beinggrateful that the cold splash of water had both put out his leg and dislodged the evil animal.And in his moment of relaxation he instinctively reached out and hugged what he groggilypresumed to be the pillow he had his face pressed into. It is a measure of how addled he wasthat he was only a little surprised when the something hugged him back.

To the Duke of Overshire, who had just finished off the kicking of his unfortunatedueling partner and was turning towards his daughters room to apologize for bringing hiswork home with him, the situation was very simple.

The young man of letters he had grudgingly employed to beat the rudiments ofgrammar and history into his many children, a job he saw as pointless for he had the beatingof other more solid things to contend with, was violating his favorite daughter anddishonoring his house. This was not acceptable. But, there was a very simple solution to the

problem. The offending object must be permanently removed, and looking around for histool of choice the Duke realized that the sword he was wearing would work perfectly.

Emerus had about three seconds. That is three seconds between when he discoveredwhere he was such that he could enjoy it, and when he realized the suicidal nature of hisposition. Short it might have been, but so are many of the best things in life.

Especially in as short a life, as he was likely to have if he stayed where he was anylonger. He wrenched himself free of the girl, and turned to find a very sharp point very closeto him.

Emerus had not been in the Dukes employ very long, but he had learned a thing ortwo about his employer during their brief relationship. He ducked and the sword dove intothe bedpost inches over his head. He rolled sideways and scrambled backward. His one hope

was that he might somehow manage to get to the covered veranda in the corner and fromthere, a thirty-foot dive into a ten-foot canal. Up on his feet, he sprinted past the Duke justas he freed his sword from the wood and turned upon him. The nasty slash intended for hishamstrings cut nothing but air and he was across the room in two bounds and his foot onthe railing in another.

Just as he steadied himself for the plunge a sharp pain shot up his leg. For a momenthe was sure he had been shot, but staring down he saw that that evil dog had fastened itselfto the back of his heel. Blood stained its little white teeth and the pink ribbon on its necktwitched as it chewed viscously on his foot.

Desperately, he pulled the animal free and looked up to see the mammoth form ofthe Duke coming to impale him. [AIDEN: Watch your adverbs. You have two in these two

sentences and both starting the sentences.Think of another way to say] Lamely he raisedhis hands putting the snarling demon dog in between his head and the sword. The Dukesnorted and dropped his point to Emeruss chest, and then he lunged.

There was a blinding flash, a small puff of smoke and a slight acrid scent andEmerus knew no more.

The Duke was a bit startled by this but not too upset. He prodded the loose pile ofclothing lying on the tiles with his sword, and heard a little whimper as he poked a stunnedlittle white dog. Either, the boy had died and his God had showed up rather punctually to


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claim him, or he was a sorcerer. If it was the latter then the burst of magic he had justperformed was enough to have him dead by sunset.

He spun on the ducal heel and swept into his daughters spacious apartment.Eleanor, that scum, what did he do? said the DukeShe looked up as her father spoke trying to see what he was asking about. He wasnt

looking at her but out of a window over the short towers and the tiled rooftops of hisdomain.Nothing. He did nothing. What you saw was an accident But her words faded away as he walked out into the hall. He did turn around though,

just for a second. He looked to her tired and small.After that she started to cry, but not for very long. Better not to cry if it couldnt help

the situation. She had not really been in love with Emerus. He hadnt been around veryoften. But he had been kind and tried to act so serious around her and she had enjoyedmaking him nervous. She didnt know what the bang or the smoke was about, but he didntseem as dead as he should be and she need not blame herself for something she didnt knowhad happened.

So she walked out to the parapet and poked about the pile of clothes that were left

there. Cheap things, Emerus had hardly been a well to do young man, but he had know hisletters, which made him a rare bird on this little island. In the middle of the pile, she scoopedup Yutzy. He was snorting and yapping softly, probably chasing rabbits in his sleep shedecided. His ribbon had come off somewhere and though she poked about a bit she couldntfind it. She shoved the clothes into her hamper and set her apartment to rights.

The table was burned and the bed splashed, but all in all the place wasnt to great ashambles. By the time, some pole men had cleaned up the corridor and her maid hadwandered in everything was more or less in order.

Gladys, take those clothes down to be washed. she called from her couch wavingher hand towards Emeruss clothes. She had Yutzy laid out on pillow and was stroking himwith an index finger. The little dog seemed to be waking up. One of his eyes opened blearily

and then his head jerked up and he stood unsteadily and stared at her in what looked likesurprise.

At that moment Gladys bustled out in her good-natured way and Yutzy, looking amore than a bit crazed, turned to stare at her and the bundle of clothes. Then he didsomething very strange.

The little white dog craned its head and stared down along its back, and then it rolledon its back and looked between its legs. It was hard for Eleanor to tell but she could havesworn she saw one of Yutzys eyebrows go up and a perplexed look cross his m uzzle. Thenhe gave a startled yip and charged out after Gladys.


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Arietta & Albert

The little grove of trees was very quiet. A mouse, on the point of a loud squeak,suddenly paused and thought better of it. A squirrel raised a morsel to its mouth and then

lowered it again. High above a hawk peered down at the small-checkered board, loosinginterest in the mouse it had spotted. Even the wind seemed intrigued and breeze died away.No leaves rustled, the birds stopped singing.

In the silence, the old mans hand lifted the little chip of white stone up into the airand paused. The edges of his bushy moustache crinkled just a bit as a little smile crossed hisface and then with a slow exhale he let the piece fall down to the board.

The whole wood came alive as trio of robins began raucous chorus. Squeak went themouse and darted for its hole while the squirrel chattered away happily at his dinner. Thebreeze rustled the trees and stirred the dry leaves around on the ground.

Checkmate. said the old man.No fair! said the little girl from the other side of the board. She picked up the

queen the old man had just put down and frowned at it.Cheer up he said. If you win every time, the game isnt worth playing. Andbesides, a lady should accept defeat graciously.

Im not unhappy because you won. We both knew you were going to win abouthalf an hour ago. But, I never win! And I am not a lady.

Oh really. Well you certainly seem whiny enough, the old man chuckled throughhis whiskers.

She didnt look up. She was concentrating hard on the chess piece in her hand,twirling it this way and that in her hands. Her eyebrows scrunched up and she squeezed thequeen tight in both hands glaring down at her clenched fingers and then her face cleared andshe opened her hands.

The little chip of cut stone stood still for a moment, resting on her palm and withoutwarning the carved crown twisted around and a living chunk of granite jumped off the girl shand to land on the chessboard.

The squirrel, watching from his tree, almost inhaled his nut. His eyes bulged as hewatched the animated chessman stride about the board smashing into the other pieces with avengeance. Although, come to think of it, this might have been because he had a most of awalnut caught in his left nostril.

AlbertAugustus Jeeves didnt notice the choking squirrel. He was watching an eight-year-old girl brutalize a chessboard with a piece of living stone. Rooks and knights flewthrough the air. A battered king landed on the hands he had clasped in his lap.

Arti, he called her, had come to live with him almost a year ago. She was anorphanage girl who had been hired specifically to scrub pots in the Ducal kitchens. The first

time they had met was when she had banged on the door of his room in the manor house.Cook said the butler had great big moustache, and a free bed where I could sleep.

Your moustache is pathetic compared to my friend Toms, but do you still have that bed?What? he said.It took a moment to get everything straightened out, but from the day on the two

became fast friends. She asked him questions and talked with him, and wondered aloud atwhy the world was like it was. She wanted to know why thunder boomed so loud and how


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birds managed to stay in the air. She wanted to know why some clouds disappear like smokeand some ride across the sky, puffy and solid.

It had been a happy few months for him. He had enjoyed coming home to life, in hislittle apartment. Twenty years since his children had left it was pleasant to find things pulledout and moved about and know that small and curious hands had been at work. He had felt

a whole spectrum of worries, joys, and memories flow back into his life as if they had neverleft. Unfortunately, the life of parent is not an easy one.One night, a soft thump disturbed his sleep and his eyes popped open. He rolled

slowly over in bed and saw a light coming from under the door in Annas room. It smelledlate. Slowly, praying his joints to be silent, he swung his legs out of bed. [Aiden: Nix theword then you dont need it and you use it often. I cut it heresee if you think it works.]His slippers slid stealthily across the floor and he peered in through the crack of light.

He didnt know what he had expected to see. He had imagined many things thatmight be happening in the other room, none of them good, but what he saw was scarier thananything he had imagined.

She had a pair of his socks strutting about the room. They gyred and gimbled, theyturned somersaults; they even started a mock boxing match. s

In any other place in world, where magic was valued, where witches and wizards andconjurers were considered as necessary as bakers, it would have been fine. Indeed such adisplay at such a young age would have been applauded. But Reginald had been around longenough to remember the last witch who had arrived on the little island.

That memory was nastily brief.

AidenGreat story to date. I would advise to just keep going forward and not toworry too much about editing until you have the first draft finished. Just freewrite and enjoyyour story. Shoot for at least 50,000 words or more up to 75,000 wordsafter that anypotential publisher may get nervous about the printing costs if your word count tips morethan 90,000 words...however, a novella is shorter up to 40,000 words and you can always go

in that direction if you wish.At that pointthe end of the first draftyou can come back and add details, layer,

and double check plot points. Wherever you can, do add more details on what you feel isnecessary for the reader to see what you are seeingin your minds eye:

WardrobePropsFood and beverageLocation including:WeatherTim`e of day or season, geographical location with regional fauna and floral,

attention to time and placemention the pop culture of the moment.

Note: When you reread your own words or if you want me to, in each paragraph askyourself, what do I:See?Hear?Taste?Smell?Feel? As in a tactile sensation and emotional response. Or even a memory or

flashback or back story to help convey to the reader what is happening in the mind of thecharacter


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Emerus and Eleanor

Trembling on his feet Yutzy gazed blankly out the door after the maid. Eleanor, veryworried that her dog, never the brightest animal, had suffered some kind of mental damagefrom whatever Emerus had done earlier, reached out to stroke his back. The dog flinched

when she touched him and, with a yip took off after the maid.Gladys turned left at the end of the long corridor. Down the stairs, one flight, two

flights. Laundry bundled in her arms she stepped along the long dark servants walkway.Warm air, and nice smells came out of the door to the kitchen. She walked by thinking ofnothing but freshly baked bread.

Yutzy came out the door like four pounds of anger cotton candy. He skidded downthe hall claws scrabbling at the marble floor just as Gladys aproned form vanished down thestaircase. He charged headlong after her.

Eleanor ran out into the hall after her little dog just in time to see him skidding offdown the hallway in hot pursuit of Gladys. She didnt know what had possessed the littlerodent, but the servants hated him because he habitually bit their ankles.

Down the stairs went Yutzy, transitioning smoothly from marble to wood as hispaws hit the top stair. Then he leapt into the air clearing all five in a long and graceful leap.Wham, he hit the far wall head first. Slightly dazed he bounced down the rest of the stairsand landed panting in a heap. He looked up just as Gladys, ignorant of her pursuers, turnedthe corner by the kitchen.

Stumbling slightly, panting too hard to bark he scrambled down the corridor afterher. As he rushed past the kitchen the cook blanched and reflexively pulled his feet up.

Eleanor descended the stairs just as Yutzy vanished into the laundry room throughthe cloud of steam. She ran down the hallway, soft dress flowing behind her. As sheapproached the door, she heard the sounds of a scuffle inside. There was a bark, a thump, asplash and a great deal of shouting. Then everything went quite for a second. Frantically sheran through the door, and stopped as a blinding cloud of steam washed over her. There was

a gasping retching sound and three maybe four people screamed.Moments before Yutzy had come tumbling into the laundry room. Frantically he had

run between the little round thighs of the washer woman, who had started and cried out. Hebarked and everyone jumped and darted about smacking at their ankles.

Then out of the mist came a wooden clog wielded by an angry old woman who hadsuffered long enough at Yutzys paws.

He flew through air scrabbling for purchase as he sailed over the head of one of theyoung women, who screamed and dropped her hamper as he bounced off and splashed intoa vat full of soiled linens.

It was hell down there. As he kicked and struggled a sheet got tangled about his feet.The hot water pressed in from all sides and bubbles rushed up his nose and stung his eyes.

In vain he thrashed, trying to paddle, to rise to the surface, to do anything but drown in themad, boiling abyss. Then he felt a great weight pressing down on him and a pressure on hischest, and the world started to go dark.

The young washerwoman fished frantically for the little dog, realizing the kind oftrouble that would befall them all if they drowned the favorite daughters poochie. Just as shefelt the little body under her hand, there came a faint watery pop, and a shock tore up herarm.


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Emerus erupted from the washtub, choking on soap, tears streaming from his eyes.He was as naked as the day he was born, though he was cleaner then usual. Still, all thewomen screamed.

For just a moment he tottered, then, his legs giving way, he fell forward out of thetub. To her credit, the young woman who had been fishing the little dog out of the wash

tried to catch him. Unfortunately he was heavier than he had been a moment ago and theycrashed to the stones in a heap.And so, when the smoke cleared Emerus, for the second time that day, was lying, on

top of a woman and was in no position to enjoy the moment.

The island of Monte Roto was once a small place with a some trees, a couple of huts,and a few well meaning, if slightly cannibalistic, inhabitants. Then one day it wasdiscovered, by Captain Reginald Augustus Fleming on one of his many Voyages Over theEdge of which he later wrote thrilling accounts.


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Game Plan

5/12/12 Describe several relatively simple lives, and then entangle everything in a

great political power play as people realize the potential of magic.Need to flesh out the little town in which Emerus and Emil live. Make it like thestories of Macau, which Chun told you.

Need to pick a place for the Albert and Arietta to live. Possible this lake town whereFinn is about to kill the Prince Regent.

Need to plan out where Gideon is going in all this and what his motivation in life is.The others seem fine at the moment.

We will be following the various stories of several new wizards

Albert- Traigcally religious mistress of the king, clever tricks, cool plans

HollyJohnFinn

Gideon

(Names can come from the feeling of the region. North use German or Norse.Grass land use Native American or Mongolian. Desert means Arabic or

Egyptian. Jungle for me is Indian or South American)

Good Names-Morholtegidio

Mabye Finn ought to be Ignitus or something similar


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Town called Darby. Is the town in the far north where the start of the storytakes place.

What are strange particles?All of the various forces in the universe can be summed up in two basic forces/

Magic, A Beginning

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Transcript of Magic, A Beginning