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LIVING WELLWITH GRIEFAutumn 2016

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy Carolyn Clough has spent the last four years getting through what she says she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy – the loss of one of her children. In June 2012, Carolyn’s daughter Amy passed away after a six-year battle with Hodgkin lymphoma. She was days away from her 23rd birthday. Here is Carolyn’s story.

Amy was in Year 12 in 2006 when she was diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma. Waiting for that diagnosis was really the beginning of our grief. Although we were told the disease was usually quite treatable, Amy spent the next six years going through chemotherapy, radiation, a stem cell transplant and was in and out of remission. As hard as she fought, and as hard as her doctors and medical team tried every possible treatment, Amy passed away.

She might have been only 22, but she touched the hearts of many people. She was the Brisbane Broncos greatest fan, becoming good friends with then captain, Darren Lockyer. Amy also spent time with entertainer Delta Goodrem, who had also battled lymphoma. QUT honoured her with a scholarship in her name to help other university students with cancer. She was an incredibly special person and we are so proud of her.

To be honest, I don’t remember much of the first year after Amy died. I was

in so much pain that I think my body blocked a lot from my memory. I was in survival mode – just putting one foot in front of the other.

As a mother I was also worried about how my other three children were coping. My oldest daughter, Briannie, had just found out she was pregnant with her second child the day before Amy passed away. We were so happy we could tell Amy the news. My other daughter, Adrienne, and my son, Brent, were still living at home with me and my husband Paul.

While losing Amy put a lot of pressure on my relationship with Paul, it has brought us closer together. We support each other. He is often strong when I am struggling and vice versa. And sometimes we just cry together.

We have all been grieving in our own way. My son, Brent, tends to be more

closed and not talk so much. But when we sold our home and moved, he was devastated and my heart broke for him. My youngest daughter is getting married in two weeks and while she is very excited and happy, I know she wishes that Amy could be one of her bridesmaids. The wedding will be our first family celebration since we lost Amy, and even though it will be a very happy occasion, it will also be tinged with sadness.

A group of Amy’s friends are coming to the wedding to celebrate with us. They have been really wonderful and kept in contact. There are also friends we don’t really see anymore. I think they just didn’t know what to say, so they backed away. Some friends would invite me to things but when the time came I just couldn’t go. They probably got tired of asking. Other friends have stuck with us and listened and given me a hug when I

Amy with Darren Lockyer from the Brisbane Broncos in 2006

Continued on page 3 ⊲

If you have received Living Well with Grief you have probably lost someone you love - a child, parent, sibling, loved one or friend. You may have lost them recently or some years ago. What you all probably know is that grief is complex. It has no set timetable. It can come in waves. You may be along in your grief journey and yet all of a sudden grief can hit you unexpectedly and it may feel as painful as when your loved one first passed away.

We hope that the articles we have included will help to take some of the mystery out of grief and help you understand that what you are feeling and experiencing is probably totally normal. You may not be grieving in the same way as your family members or friends but that is OK. Everyone expresses their grief in different ways — there is no right or wrong. What we do know, however, is that the only way through grief is through it.

You can’t avoid it or push it permanently to one side.

We hope Living Well with Grief will arm you with some strategies and understanding to help you work through your grief in a healthy way and in a way that is right for you. For those of you who have lost a child (of any age) we would love you to attend our annual Bereaved Parent Weekend on 10-12 June 2016 at the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Let us know you're coming on 1800 620 420.

Take care and remember that help is only a phone call or email away. For more information on any of our grief events or support programs please call 1800 620 420.

Warm regards

Shirley CunninghamLeukaemia Foundation Grief Support Managerscunningham@leukaemia.org.au

WEEKEND FOR BEREAVED PARENTSFRIDAY 10 - SUNDAY 12 JUNE

RSVP by using 1800 620 420.

MALENY HOMESTEAD 21 CENTENARY DRIVE MALENY

The Leukaemia Foundation has long recognised the need for supporting parents who have lost a child through leukaemia or cancer. Parents can come and relax and be pampered while being supported in a safe and caring environment. You can also meet other parents who have lost a child.

The Bereaved Parents’ Weekend provides a safe and supportive environment where participants can explore and express their experience of grief. This very special weekend will allow you to gain information on the nature and process of grief and loss at a beautiful country getaway.

A message from the editor

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WEEKEND FOR BEREAVED PARENTSFRIDAY 10 - SUNDAY 12 JUNE

RSVP by using 1800 620 420.

MALENY HOMESTEAD 21 CENTENARY DRIVE MALENY

needed one. People react differently and I have learnt to understand that.

One very hard part of grieving is the pressure people put on you to ‘move on’. People can be judgemental when you grieve longer than they think you should. I’d like people to understand that grief isn’t a neat, step-by-step process that has a set timetable. I can have a few good days and then something can bring the grief crashing back and it feels as overwhelming as it did right after Amy died.

Every year I have Amy’s birthday and the anniversary of her passing off work. I just can’t go. I light a candle that I burn all day. I also burn a candle all day for Christmas and Easter - times of the year that Amy loved. I cry as a put up the Christmas tree and every year I buy a special tree ornament for Amy. We also set a place for her at the table for Christmas dinner. When we moved house, I set up Amy’s room that has all of her special things in it. There were some people that thought this was a bad idea, but it was something I had to do. We all grieve differently.

We will always be grateful to the Leukaemia Foundation for supporting our family during Amy’s illness and after she passed away. They provided free accommodation at one of their villages plus financial and emotional support while Amy was going through treatment. After Amy passed away Shirley Cunningham, the Foundation’s Grief Support Manager, visited us and kept in contact for a long time which we appreciated so much. I now go to a local counsellor which has also been really helpful. The year that Amy died Paul and I also attended the Leukaemia Foundation’s Bereaved Parent’s Weekend. I

would really encourage parents to go. It helped to be with people who had experienced what we had. We were able to remember our children together and talk about them.

Early in 2013 I found a new job at a local bank. I had given up work to care for Amy, but several months after she passed away I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was pleased to get the job but it was hard to meet new people who didn’t know my story. Of course people would ask me difficult questions like, ‘how many children do you have?’ and ‘how old are they?’ I have been there a while now and feel more comfortable sharing about Amy with certain people.

So what have I learnt? Losing your child is devastating. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The grief is overwhelming. It is unpredictable. Even years after, you still have terrible days, but you also feel joy, like the joy I feel when I spend time with my beautiful grandchildren. We all cope differently and we all have our own way of getting through it. You don’t ever get over it but you learn to live with it.

Finding a path through grief, love and loss

Carolyn and Amy

In her book, Stumbling Stones: A Path Through Grief, Love and Loss, Dr Airdre Grant, describes the “wild landscape” of grief she encountered after losing a long-term relationship, her father, her twin brother and two much-loved pets within a 12 month period.

"I felt that I was made of straw,” said Airdre, an academic and lecturer at the Southern Cross University, Lismore (NSW).

“When it happened, and kept happening to me, I found many people didn't know how to be around me. Some drew close, and others ran as far away as possible as if pain was contagious.

“Some treated me like cut glass and others expected me to buck up and get on with it. But I was unfit for work,

and offered poor company.

“I also wanted to go far away to lick my wounds and to heal in private.

“I needed time to reconstruct myself and contemplate deeply how grief affected me personally and how awkwardly it impacted on people around me."

In search of solace, consolation and insight, Airdre took herself on a pilgrimage to Iona in Scotland and to the Himalayas.

Everyone will encounter grief and loss, difficulties and suffering in their lives. The challenge is how we manage these times, how we survive, develop resilience and understanding.

We are curiously ill-equipped to manage our own grief and to feel comfortable around the grief of

others. We view these events as painful and to be avoided, yet they are inevitable and offer much to enrich the soul.

Stumbling Stones offers strategies, stories and case studies that aim to help people traverse the landscape of loss and grief and to provide support through these inescapable and often painful transitions.

Sunflowers were this year’s theme at our very special Celebration of Life memorial service held in Sydney in February.

Those who attended the event at Kirribili Club took the opportunity to remember, reflect and honour loved ones they lost to leukaemia, lymphoma, myeloma and the related blood disorders.

Here’s some feedback from those who were there:

“Thanks for your efforts arranging

the 'Celebration of Life’. To me it was

a wonderful reminder and refresher

about the on-going process of

grieving.”

“I especially enjoyed the harmony

of the three songs and the speaker,

Mary, had some interesting take-

home suggestions for us to consider.

When Keith Olver lost his wife of nearly 50 years he said he was at an absolute loss and had no idea what to do.

“Irene was diagnosed with AML in February 2014 and passed away in May of the same year,” Keith said.

“We had been together since we were 15 years old, so I just didn’t know how to go on without her.”

When Keith received an invitation from the Leukaemia Foundation to attend a Grief Brunch in Hervey Bay, 80km from his home in Buxton, he knew that he needed to go.

“I had to really force myself – I knew I had to do something, so I went,” he said.

“It was such a positive experience. I really can’t explain exactly how it helped, but it did.

“I was really missing female companionship. The group was made up of mainly ladies and it was really nice to be able to chat to them and know they understood how I felt because they had been through a similar experience.

“I have heaps of male mates who are great, but it is a different type of friendship.”

Since that first meeting Keith said he has met monthly with a group in his region who have all lost someone to blood cancer.

“We get together, drink coffee and just chat – I really look forward to it.”

Keith said he would really encourage other men who are grieving to take the step and go to a Grief Brunch or join a support group where they can meet other people who have also lost a loved one.

Find out what grief support is offered by the Leukaemia Foundation in your area by phoning 1800 620 420.

I don’t know how it helped, but it did

"Personally I took note of her point

that it's OK to remember your former

partner’s unique habits (my words) as

these were a part of the person that

you loved and shared your life with.”

“For me the sunflower ritual was a

powerful reminder of past struggles

and shared experiences and joys.

The poem Sunflower talked about

it 'Tracking the sun across the sky'.

This remarkable plant has the ability

to face east to the morning sun and

track the sun as it traverses across

the sky to set in the west. In full flower,

they brighten up the most miserable

of days.”

“Your service was such a moving

experience and your love and care

to all the people who attended is

something I will never forget.”

Celebration of Life

Celebration of Life 20164

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If you are a giver, the days, weeks, and months after someone dies may feel especially confusing. On the one hand, you’re a devastated mess of emotion. On the other hand, your caregiving instincts have kicked into overdrive. There is so much to do and so many people in need of emotional support! You’ve been cultivating your emotional fortitude and ability to remain calm in crisis for moments just like these and so you may be tempted to push your grief aside and focus on everyone else. And aside from a person’s natural tendencies, there are other reasons why stepping into the caretaker role may be comforting and unavoidable including the following:

» It feels good to care for others, to feel needed, and/or to feel useful.

» You feel pressure to take care of others because…

- you are a parent, grandparent, or other primary caregiver.

- if you don’t step up, no one else will.

- you are legitimately the strongest/most capable person.

- other people are looking to you to take charge.

- you feel guilty/selfish when you’re not helping others.

- you have a taker in your midst.

» Taking charge and helping others helps you feel more in control.

» Focusing on others allows you to avoid your own thoughts and emotions.

No-one should ever suggest you completely change who you are, however, stop and consider whether the above description sounds like you.

If so, you may need to be cautious.Giving is your comfort zone, we’ve established this. Grief is pretty much no-one’s comfort zone and asking for help and focusing on yourself is uncomfortable for many people as well. So, it may be far easier for you to tell yourself that there’s too much to be done, you will worry about yourself later, or that you have to stay strong for others, than it is to allow yourself to feel the discomfort of being emotional, helpless, and out-of-control.

Focusing on yourself may go against everything in your nature and self-care may not be your forte, but as someone who is grieving it is important now, possibly more than ever, for you to strike a good self-care balance.

“There is a difference between self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior and sound internal self-care. Self-care is about taking good care of our own feelings so we don’t project them onto others, act badly, or cause problems in relationships. Being in touch with our own feelings and embracing them is the healthiest thing we can do.” (“Is Self-Care Selfish”, Pyschology Today 2015)

Self-care for the giving griever

In order to do your best work as a supportive friend and family member you have to deal with your own grief and well-being. So how does a giver practice self-care in grief?

That depends on you, but here are a few general suggestions to get you started:

» Be honest with yourself about your needs.

» Be honest with others about your needs.

» Be realistic about how much you can take on.

» Recognize when focusing on others is enabling you to avoid focusing on yourself.

» Assess your support system and know how to spot emotional manipulation.

» Deliberately set aside time for yourself.

» Learn how to draw boundaries.

» Practice saying ‘yes’ when someone offers to help or practice asking others for help.

» Learn more about supporting other people while grieving.

» Read more articles on self-care and grief.

» Make a self-care contract with yourself and have a friend, family member, or a counsellor hold you to it.

whatsyourgrief.com

Striking the balance between self-care and taking care of others

If grief were a road trip, it would be driven with a chorus of children in the back seat saying ‘are you there yet?’ No matter how fast you go, your passenger’s protestations grow louder and more impatient. This is stressful and frustrating! They have no idea of the length and difficulty of your journey, yet they often expect you to get to a grief end-point with unrealistic speed.

People may subtly, and not-so-subtly, pressure you to ‘feel better’ well before you’re ready. The comments and expectations of others can be confusing. You may wonder whether you’re doing grief right. If you feel like you’re being pressured to move on well before you’re ready, you may like to consider some of the following points:

Ask yourself about your own attitudes about grief?

Explicit attitudes are attitudes you hold consciously that you believe to true. As someone experiencing grief yourself, your explicit attitudes might include thoughts like:

Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting; grief takes time; grieving people should be patient with themselves.

On the other hand, implicit attitudes are attitudes that are less conscious responses we’ve learned through observing and interacting with the world. To some extent, our implicit attitudes about grief will likely reflect the attitudes of those around us and of society as a whole and sothey might include thoughts like:

I am wallowing; I should be coping better; I should be back to normal by now; my loss isn’t important:

It is important to evaluate how you truly feel about how you’re coping with grief before taking the thoughts of others into consideration. How you believe you are coping will often reflect how you respond to the pressure of others. If you feel conflicted about how well and how fast you should be coping, you are more likely to respond to the pressures of others with confusion, shame and self-doubt. Whereas someone who feels less internalised pressure, may be more patient with themselves and more confident about the way they choose to grieve.

Remember, there is no right way to grieve

Grief is really confusing. You may need to remind yourself that there is no right way to grieve. This reality may be frustrating for perfectionists and people who don’t like ambiguity, but it’s just true. If you believe this, then you will be more tolerant of variability and better insulated against the judgements of others.

Take a non-biased view of the situation

Perhaps the person expecting you to move on too quickly is being unkind and self-centered – or maybe not. When you feel angry and misunderstood, it can be difficult to take a step back and see the situation through an unbiased and more compassionate lens. It may be helpful to think about the following possibilities:

» No-one else could possibly understand the depths of your grief. It is foolish for anyone to make assumptions about your grief. You know that, but this person doesn’t know that. They weren’t trying to be mean, they just don’t fully grasp what it means to grieve.

» The person had good intentions, but they got nervous and stuck their foot in their mouth.

» The person didn’t mean for their comment to come out the way it did. They just did a poor job communicating.

» You misinterpreted what they said. When you are feeling hurt or sensitive about the expectations of others, you are more likely to selectively pick up things that confirm your negative expectations or to assign importance to unremarkable events or comments.

» Perhaps the comment was justified, but you aren’t ready or willing to hear it.

Communicate and be honest

It might serve you well to respectfully communicate with the person about how they made you feel. It’s easier to keep your mouth shut, but if you don’t speak up you can’t expect the situation to change.

You don’t need to have a long, drawn out confrontation, just simply tell them they are making you feel bad and that it isn’t helpful. If it doesn’t stop, you do need to spend less time around this person, at least you will know you tried.

whatsyourgrief.com 

Are you there yet? The pressure to get over grief

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When should I go back to work after the death of a loved one?

While this is a common question, the answer is never straight forward. If you are lucky enough to have leave or holidays owing, you should make use of them.

Some people say that getting back to work was the only thing that gave them a reason to get up in the morning, and kept them moving forward. However, others find focusing impossible, the work environment totally overwhelming, and that they just can’t go back to work yet.

You may want to consider easing back in by working half days or part-time. This may feel a little less overwhelming and more manageable. Talk to your Human Resources (HR) department and your supervisor to see if that is a possibility.

Are there ways you can make the transition back easier? While returning to work can be difficult, there are some things to consider that can help.

Seeing your co-workers again will be tough

After a death every person you see for the first time requires an ‘I’m sorry, how are you doing?’ conversation. It can get overwhelming to have that conversation over and over.  You can make sure your co-workers already know what happened. Talk to HR and they can notify people before you return.

Consider going into work or have lunch/dinner with co-workers before you officially return to work. That allows you to have those conversations before you are actually at work.

If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay. Just let people know. Again, HR can help by letting your colleagues know. Keep in mind that having support and talking with co-workers can be a very good thing, but it is absolutely fine if you want to do that in your own way and time.

Focusing can be a nightmare

Don’t panic, this is one of the most common symptoms of grief – you can’t focus and you can’t retain information. What can you do?

Talk to your supervisor and HR, and ask for understanding and support.

Double check your work, and ask a co-worker or your supervisor to do the same. The quality of your work may suffer at first and that is totally normal.

If you weren’t a to-do list person before, become one now. Starting each day with a to-do list and then numbering what you need to accomplish in order of priority can serve as a good roadmap for the day.

Short breaks during the day can recharge you when you are getting overwhelmed. Take a short walk, or try do some deep breathing or meditation.

Your thoughts will wander – accept it! It will be hard, it might be painful, but it will happen. Trying to avoid the

thoughts that are creeping in can actually make things worse. Try to spend a minute with the thought, write it down in a journal, and spend some time with that thought after work.

It won’t get easier overnight. Going back to work can be a long transition. You may be waiting to feel ‘normal’ again, sadly, that is just not how grief works! There are a few other things you can do to get you through the long haul after you return to work.

Be prepared to cry because there is a good chance it will happen. If you don’t have an office where you can shut your door, find your safe space where you can go if you need to shed some tears – even if it is the bathroom.

Keep talking with your boss and HR. Communicate how things are going. If you are struggling, let them know and ask for support.

Be prepared that you may feel a total apathy about your job or want to quit. Grief changes our priorities completely. Suddenly the job you loved might feel totally meaningless. Everyone around you still cares about deadlines and reports and you feel like none of that matters anymore. Don’t make any hasty decisions.

One last word of caution for those people who have jumped back in to work and are working all the time. It can be easy to think that keeping busy means you are coping and adjusting to grief in a healthy way. This can be a dangerous trap that catches up with us later.

whatsyourgrief.com

Going back to work after losing a loved one

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Lydia Kalinowski’s husband of more than 40 years, Jim, died of leukaemia in May 2012. After he died, Lydia would write as a way of dealing with her loss. Lydia shares her writings at lydiakalinowski.com

Whatever grief a person is going through, including the death of a soul mate, a parent, child or sibling, there is a process involved in the healing that I have likened to a daily journey of taking ‘steps’.

Counsellors will frequently say, “Take little steps, each day, one at a time. Go at a pace that suits you. Everyone is different. Be gentle on yourself as you go forward.”

There is life still to be lived, but that can be easier said than done. And how do we make sense of the grieving-to-healing process?

Well, that is where ‘the dance’ comes in!

Dance involves steps, sometimes forward, but not always. What about the sideways and backward steps? These steps of loneliness and pain can cause disruptions and setbacks to the healing and rebuilding of our lives. But they are necessary, as are the steps in a dance.

At times, the steps are short, quick and definite, denoting confidence and purpose. Then gentle, flowing movements blend the precious memories of warmth, intimacy and love with sorrow and emptiness. Yes, it is OK for a while to glide in the dance, until your composure is restored. To be able to breathe deeply, while acknowledging the pain, is crucial. Let the healing tears flow and dance as you have never danced before.

The mood of the dance can vary, with courage to face a crowded room and join in and laugh. Then, like being overtaken by a tsunami, waves of

heartache can well up uncontrollably from within, for apparently no particular reason. Your dance steps become stumbling and hesitant. The music is hardly audible. You are painfully aware you are dancing alone.

But somehow you manage to turn away and disguise the inner turmoil and, when opportune, you gracefully disappear from the scene!

There may not always be control over the dance, with variations to the pace and the rhythm, which can change dramatically. Occasionally, we can be spun around and even swept off our feet in the dance. Not by a knight in shining armour, or a beautiful princess, but swept away by consuming sorrow, regrets, guilt, dilemmas and fear of the future. All kinds of thoughts and emotions can bombard our lives and be quite destabilising.

This is when loved ones are there to support; be they our partner, family, friends or professionals, and especially those who have trodden the road before. It is important to allow them to join in our dance of healing and share the journey, for as

The dance of healing

long as it takes. They are invaluable in the restoration process.

Eventually, you will make it and learn to live again, with deeper compassion, sensitivity and empathy. Better able to understand and support others in need as they start out on their ‘steps to healing’. Gradually, inner peace that defies the pain will take over your life and ‘the dance’ will settle to a steady, healthy pace.

Slowly, you will experience courage, confidence, freedom and direction to live, to ‘dance the steps of life’ with joy, however they may come. And furthermore, you will be able to go forward and find that special place which will give you the opportunity to share your journey of life with other travellers and have good cause to spontaneously laugh. It is all about making the journey of life meaningful and purposeful. The dance of healing will eventually blend into life again and you will be a richer person, having successfully negotiated the steps of the dance and having come through victoriously.

Lydia Kalinowski with her late husband Jim

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People who have experienced the death of a loved one can often engage in negative coping. Although many will eventually find constructive ways to cope with their experiences and emotions, others will become stuck in a cycle of thinking and behaviour that is bad for their mental, emotional and physical health. As it pertains to experiencing the death of a loved one, these behaviours could prevent a person from coping with some or all aspects of their grief.

What is negative coping?

It’s tempting, and common, to label negative coping as specific behaviours that are typically thought of as bad or harmful. These behaviours include things like excessive substance use, isolation, overeating, procrastination, etc. While these behaviours certainly play a role in negative coping, they do not provide a complete understanding of the concept.

Negative coping encompasses any type of behaviour employed as a quick fix to regularly avoid painful emotions or situations. These are temporary distractions that reduce emotional pain in the short-term, but provide very little in the way of actual healing. Negative coping is like emotional aspirin, it numbs the pain temporarily, but once it wears off the pain reappears. Often these patterns of behaviour end up making your stress worse because they are unhealthy and require a lot of effort to maintain. Moreover, they prevent you from effectively processing your emotions and experiences, which can lead to a prolonged sense of anxiety and emotional pain.

Why do people engage in negative coping?

Avoidance almost always lies at the heart of negative coping. Your grief is most likely associated with a wide range of painful emotions and memories. For some these unpleasant feelings are contained to thoughts about the loss of their loved one, for others they extend to worries about life, religion, family, the future, etc. Many of these feelings, anxieties, worries and apprehensions are the internal manifestations that keep you up at night, others are brought on out of nowhere by external triggers. On a whole, grief can make you feel like you’re spinning out of control and so it feels protective to try and regain control through avoiding painful and threatening emotions.

Actually, in some ways avoidance can be useful and adaptive. Often times, in order to manage responsibility, function in family and society and stay generally sane, you have to engage in some degree of avoidance. This is what we call taking a break from your grief and it’s actually a major tenant of the popular grief theory the Dual Process Model, which says that grievers must oscillate between confronting their loss (coping) and avoiding it (seeking respite).

Avoidance becomes a problem when it limits the ways in which a griever is able to fill their roles as a spouse, parent, friend, employee and society member, and when this cycle persists to the detriment of personal healing.

What does negative coping look like?

Negative coping encompasses behaviours that promote avoidance in the following ways:

» Numbing the emotions of grief felt on a daily basis or in response to certain situations or memories.

» Complete avoidance of situations, memories, or thoughts in an effort to minimise exposure to unpleasant emotions.

It’s important to understand that it’s not the inherent nature of the behaviour that qualifies it as a negative coping mechanism, it is the way the behaviour is being used. Most behaviours exist on a continuum, so that it can be either adaptive (normal) or maladaptive. By seeing behaviour on a continuum, we can see how behaviours typically thought of as good can actually be maladaptive, and vice versa. Some common behaviours include things like:

» Over-working » Staying busy » Focusing only on the needs of

your children » Constantly saying ‘you’re fine’ » Substance use  » Throwing oneself into advocacy » Emotional or physical isolation » Cutting yourself off from certain

family and friends » Seeking constant distraction » Avoiding certain places » Apathy » Emotional eating » Giving up » Fighting

Again, it may only be when these behaviours are consistently used to avoid and numb that they become problematic. A behaviour should be considered a vehicle for negative coping when it contributes to someone’s world becoming more restricted and increasingly complicated, and when it prevents a person from learning how to deal with the painful emotions and experiences related to their grief.

Grief and negative coping

Paula Stevens has spent over 20 years in the health and wellness field. She has a master’s degree in Exercise Physiology, and is a certified Wellness Coach and Yoga Instructor. Even with this extensive knowledge of health and wellness she struggled with her own self-care after the death of her eldest son in 2010. What was previously a way of life became a way of saving her life from the most primal wound a mother can endure – that of losing a child. 

How you take care of yourself during grief and loss is so important. I’m going to share with you five simple yoga for grief poses that you can do to help ease your grief. There is so much about yoga that is good for grief that I almost feel like I’m cheating you by only giving you five of the best yoga for grief poses.

The poses, also called ‘asanas’ in the world of yoga, are simple ones that no matter how fit you are or how bad you feel today, you can do these – right now if you want!

Why yoga for grief is important to your healing

Unless you have lived under a rock for the last decade you know that yoga is very popular. There is everything from bootcamp style yoga to meditative/restorative yoga. Which means you can find a style of yoga that fits you and your needs.

Don’t get discouraged if you tried yoga in the past and you didn’t like it, or are worried that you ‘can’t do it’. Start from where you are today. And by all means don’t wait until you are in shape , until you lose the weight, or until your BFF will do it with you. Yoga is not about all those silly things – yoga is about Y-O-U, exactly how you are right now today!

Grief is not just an emotional loss.

Grief sets up shop in every nook and cranny of your body. I can see you nodding your head, yes, right now! You know what I’m talking about don’t you? The physical ache in your heart, the recurring headache, the joint pain, the fatigue, the digestive issues, changes in sleep patterns… need I go on?

Yoga allows you to move your body in a subtle way that shifts your grief and creates small changes on the cellular level. These small changes are empowering! Your grief won’t go away, rather it will become a partner in the healing process, showing you where to direct your efforts. 

Yoga for grief: The 5 best poses

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Yoga for grief: The 5 best poses

As you come into Child’s Pose rest your forehead on your mat.

Stay here for 3-5 breaths focusing on feeling your lungs quietly expand and contract.

This is so wonderful! It can be done with a rolled up blanket under your hips (as shown) or not. Keep your neck in a natural extension of the spine and open your arms to the sides.

Bring your elbows under your shoulders, as you press your elbows into the mat imagine you can press your heart forward towards your hands. Tighten your legs and press your tailbone towards your heels.

Tuck your hands under your buns and press your elbows into the floor until your head, neck and shoulders rise up.

Let your head dangle back and open the throat and heart. Activate your leg muscles and press the ball of your foot forward. 

The traditional closing to most yoga practices. Relax by bringing your arms to your sides and extending your legs. You may also bend your knees if it makes your back feel more relaxed. Close your eyes, relax your neck, throat and jaw, aaahhhhh…..

5 asanas to begin to healThese yoga for grief poses are simple and focus on restoring your broken heart and beginning to stitch it back together. All of these photos were taken from Yoga Journal‘s website and I would encourage you to head over and check out all the other amazing poses you can learn!

Begin this sequence by sitting quietly for a few minutes and set an intention or dedication for your practice. This is a fancy way of giving purpose to your yoga. Perhaps you want to dedicate it to your loved one who has passed, or to someone you know who is struggling. You can also set an intention of loving yourself and accepting whatever happens during your practice as simply perfect.

Stay in each pose for 30 seconds to a minute or 3-5 breaths, whichever feels better to you. Slowly transition to the next asana and reset your intention as you go.

When you finish the last one, savasana, take a moment to notice any shifts or changes in your mood or energy. Take three breaths, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth – Smile!

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If you need support or would like to make an enquiry please contact the Leukaemia Foundation on 1800 620 420 or go to leukaemiaqld.org.au (Queensland patients) or leukaemia.org.au.

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Disclaimer: No person should rely on the contents of this publication without first obtaining advice from their treating specialist. If you do not wish to receive future editions of this publication please contact the Leukaemia Foundation Support Services Division on 1800 620 420.

EVENT DATE TIME

Brisbane Grief Brunch 29 May 9.30am-12.30pm

Queensland Bereaved Parents’ Weekend

10-12 June

Brisbane Grief Brunch 30 July 9.30am-12.30pm

Brisbane Grief Brunch 17 September 9.30am-12.30pm

Townsville Grief Brunch 26 September 10.30am-12.30pm

North QLD Tablelands Grief Brunch

27 September 10am-12pm

Cairns Grief Brunch 28 September 10am-12pm

Brisbane Grief Brunch 3 December 9.30am-12.30pm

Queensland Grief Support ManagerShirley Cunningham - scunningham@leukaemia.org.au

Grief and Bereavement CoordinatorDonita Menon - dmenon@leukaemia.org.au

Victoria/Tasmania Blood Cancer Support ManagerTennille Lewin - tlewin@leukaemia.org.au

New South Wales/ACTBlood Cancer Support Manager Snezana Djordjevic - sdjordjevic@leukaemia.org.au

South Australia/Northern TerritoryBlood Cancer Support ManagerPeter Diamond - pdiamond@leukaemia.org.au

Western Australia Blood Cancer Support ManagerTanya Harris - tharris@leukaemia.org.au

Support Services teamGrief Support Services schedule

Across Australia Friday 7 October

REGISTER TODAY lightthenight.org.au | 1800 500 088