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Listening SkillsListening Skills

Mentoring and Listening

Those who know do not talkThose who talk do not know.–Lao Tsu, Tao Te Ching

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Learning ObjectivesLearning ObjectivesBy the end of this presentation, you will be able to apply the basics of active listening skills.

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IntroductionIntroduction

Masonic mentoring is about making a difference.

Sadly, recent years have seen a steady decline in numbers, but even more worrying is the number of our newer brethren who leave within the first 3 to 5 years of their Masonic life.

Being understood is important to relationships.

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Being UnderstoodBeing Understood

Use common phrases, everyday language.

Check to see if they understood you.

Explain yourself to your listener.

Ask for feedback on how you are communicating.

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Listening SkillsListening SkillsSchool teaches us to read, write, and speak, but rarely

focuses on the skill of listening

This omission is unfortunate as listening skills are the most important foundation for any relationship, including working on a team

Listening often misunderstood as a passive activity

Better to view listening an active experience that requires attentive engagement with the speaker

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Active ListeningActive Listening

Four key components to active listening

Attending responses

Open-ended responses

Tracking responses

Summarizing responses

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1: Attending Responses1: Attending Responses

Verbal indicators

“Uh-huh,” “I see,” “Yes,” “Interesting,” Hmm,” etc.

Friendly, informal, tentative tone of voiceShort statements and questionsSimple language (“talk” rather than

“communicate,” “write” rather than “correspond”)Speaking less than 50% of the time

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1: Attending Responses1: Attending Responses

Non-verbal indicators

Head nods & tilted headSuitable facial expressions & natural smileOpen posture (rather than crossed arms)Open palms (rather than clenched fists or fidgeting)Regular eye contact (but don’t stare)Gestures that suit the contextAppropriate distance (usually arm’s length)

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2: Open-Ended Responses2: Open-Ended ResponsesOpen-ended questions are ones that require

more than a “Yes” or “No” answerUsually start with or imply “What” or

“How”• How do you see things changing?• What do you think is the problem?• What do you see as the most important issue?• What have you thought of?• I’m wondering . . . ?• What would you like to do about . . . ?• Could you tell me what that means?

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2: Open-Ended Responses2: Open-Ended ResponsesBe cautious with questions

Avoid leading questions that suggest you know the answer to the question (e.g., You don’t really want to do that do you?)

Avoid why questions that imply judgments about the speaker’s actions or motives (e.g., Why didn’t you try to solve the problem that way?)

Avoid too many questions as that may suggest to the speaker that they are being interrogated

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3: Tracking Responses3: Tracking Responses Reflecting checks your understanding of the

content, words, or feelings expressed by the speaker:

• Content: “You mean you have been able to learn the ritual?”

• Words: “You say you have not had time to start learning the ritual?”

• Feelings: “have you any doubts or nervousness about delivering your part of the ritual?”

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3: Tracking Responses3: Tracking Responses

Clarifying gathers further information:• Do you mean you would like to take up an office ?• Correct me if I’m wrong, but . . . ?

Silence (a brief pause) encourages people to talk. • Increase the length of your pauses to encourage the other

person to talk more• Avoid excessively long periods of silence as that may be

interpreted as a lack of interest or attention

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4: Summarizing Responses4: Summarizing Responses

Summarize the conversation and then ask a question such as “Is that accurate?”

Wait 5-10 seconds for an answer

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Active ListeningActive Listening

1: Attending Responses

2: Open-Ended Responses

3: Tracking Responses

4: Summarizing Responses

ACTIVESUCCESS

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Verbal Communication:Verbal Communication:““SIER” Hierarchy Active ListeningSIER” Hierarchy Active Listening

Sensing

Interpreting

Evaluating

Responding

An alternative representation is :

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Other Features of Effective ListeningOther Features of Effective ListeningMinimize distractionsListen with respectAvoid assumptionsAvoid superficial reactionsSituate facts in contextRemain focused

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When Not to ListenWhen Not to ListenSpeaker is verbally abusiveSpeaker monopolizes conversationSpeaker is out of touch with realityIn these sorts of circumstances

• Be assertive• Point out that the person is behaving inappropriately• State that you will not continue conversation unless you

are treated with respect• In extreme circumstances, end the conversation until the

person has calmed down

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Being UnderstoodBeing Understood

Be natural, be yourself, be prepared.

Be assertive if you need to be

Be positive.

Practice your communication skills every day to get comfortable and to communicate well!

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Natural BreakNatural Break

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3 Possible Types of Listening 3 Possible Types of Listening

PASSIVE – not good (porridge too cold)

AGGRESSIVE – not good (porridge too hot)

ASSERTIVE – PORRIDGE JUST RIGHT!

SEE FOLLOWING EXAMPLES

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Be assertive: Be assertive: Passive PhrasesPassive PhrasesX I don’t know/care (when I do)

X It doesn’t matter (when it does)

X Either one is fine with me (when I have a preference)

X I’m sorry (when I don’t mean it)

X It’s just my opinion. . .

X I don’t want to bother you, but. . .

X It’s not really important, but. . .

Porridge too cold !!!

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Be assertive :Be assertive :Aggressive PhrasesAggressive Phrases

X I don’t need/want. . .

X Your opinion is wrong.

X You don’t know what you’re talking about.

X You’re doing it wrong.

X That won’t work.

X You have to. . .

X You need to know. . .

Porridge too hot !!!

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Be assertive: Be assertive: Assertive PhrasesAssertive Phrases I don’t understand. . .

I need/want/prefer. . .

I would like to. . .

No, I won’t be able to. . .

I’d prefer that you don’t tell me those jokes anymore.

My opinion is. . .

I need some of your time to. . .

Porridge just right!!!

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Natural BreakNatural Break

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Active Listening 1Active Listening 1

•Listen with a purpose

•Listen to understand.

•Ask open-ended questions.

•Show interest in other people and what they say.

•Hear the person out and stay focused on what they are saying.

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Active Listening 2Active Listening 2

•Put yourself in the other person’s place.

•Use eye contact and body language to indicate interest in what they are saying.

•Give feedback.

•Ask focused questions.

•Restate what they said.

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Body Talk (if Face to Face)Body Talk (if Face to Face)

•Try not to use nervous movements.

•Use good eye contact.

•Be aware of your own facial expressions.

•Pay attention to personal space.

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Nonverbal CommunicationNonverbal Communication

• Facial Expressions

• Eye Movements

• Placement and Movements of Hands, Arms, Head, and Legs

• Body Posture and Orientation

• Variation in Voice Characteristics

•Speaking Rate and Pause Duration

•Pitch or Frequency

•Intensity and Loudness

• Reflecting your brother’s posture with your own to show

empathy, encourage him to relax, don’t stand when he is sitting

Think about the signals you may be inadvertently sending out:

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Common Nonverbal ClustersCommon Nonverbal Clusters

Poor eye contact Glancing at watch Blank stare

Drumming fingers Swinging a foot Brushing & picking at items Tapping feet

Head in palm of hands Slouching

Lack of interest and impatience

Boredom

Increased eye contact

Hands on hips Legs uncrossed Feet flat on floor

Sitting forwardDedication or commitment

Readiness

Increased eye movement Frequent gazes elsewhere. Forced smile

Fidgeting with objects Increased leg movement

Patterns of rockingDishonesty and

secretivenessDeception

Dropping glasses to lower nose

Hand on cheek Stroking chin Chin in palm of hand

Leaning forward

Evaluation and consideration of message

Evaluation

Minimal eye contact Glancing sideways Pursed lips Tilted head

Crossed arms & legs

Rigid bodyDefensiveness,

skepticism, and apprehension

Defensiveness

Slight smile Good eye contact

Open hands Removing coat Unbutton collar Uncrossed arms & legs

Moving closer Leaning forward

Openness, flexibility and sincerity

Openness

Eyes & Facial Expression

Movement of Hands, Arms, & Legs

Body Posture & Orientation

Cluster MeaningCluster Name

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Enhancing Listening SkillsEnhancing Listening Skills

Comprehension is improved by repeating material by both

listener and speaker

Skillful listeners continue to monitor and modify their concept

of what is being said

Context clues improve understanding

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Communication No-no’sCommunication No-no’s

X Avoid busy places and times for important communication.

X Don’t interrupt.

X Don’t focus on being right.

X Avoid being a smarty pants and sarcasm.

X Avoid generalizations.

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Verbal Communication:Verbal Communication:Listening - RecapListening - Recap

EffectiveActive

Listening

PayAttention

MonitorNon-Verbals

Paraphraseand Repeat

Make NoAssumptions

Encourageperson to Talk

Confirm

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SUMMARYSUMMARYInsert your own summary here if you wish.

But remember – we are a voluntary organisation, doing this for fun!So don’t be too hard on yourself or your newer members!By offering a supporting hand of friendship, we too may make a daily advancement in Masonic knowledge.

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CONTACTCONTACT

Masonic Mentoring in The Province of *********** Masonic Mentoring in The Province of ***********

For further advice, please contact the Provincial For further advice, please contact the Provincial Mentor Mentor

W Bro *** ******* W Bro *** *******

Tel: **** *******Tel: **** *******

E-mail: ****@****E-mail: ****@****