Lesson 1 : Preparation.....................................................................3

1. The Audience..............................................................................................32. What "They" Look For..................................................................................4

Motivation.....................................................................................................................4Writing/Communication Skills........................................................................................4A Real Person.................................................................................................................5Details, Details, Details.................................................................................................6Tell a Story.....................................................................................................................7

3. Common Flaws............................................................................................7Poor Proofing.................................................................................................................7Boring Introductions......................................................................................................8Not Enough Detail.........................................................................................................8Wordiness......................................................................................................................8Colloquialism.................................................................................................................9Sentence Variety...........................................................................................................9Use of Passive Voice......................................................................................................9Don't thesaurusize your Essay.....................................................................................10

4. Brainstorming...........................................................................................10The Chronological Method...........................................................................................10Assess Your Accomplishments.....................................................................................10List Your Skills..............................................................................................................11Analyze Personality Traits............................................................................................11Note Major Influences..................................................................................................11Identify Your Goals.......................................................................................................11

5. Topic Selection..........................................................................................12

Lesson Two: Specific Themes and Questions...................................15

1. Why Graduate School?...............................................................................152. Why Qualified?..........................................................................................163. Why Unique, Different, Exceptional?...........................................................174. Wait-list Letter..........................................................................................185. Transfer Essay...........................................................................................196. General Essay Topics.................................................................................20

6.1 Essay Set Strategy, Short Essays...........................................................................206.2 Growth and Development......................................................................................216.3 Future Goals..........................................................................................................226.4 Role Models and Influence.....................................................................................23

6.5 Achievement Essays..............................................................................................236.6 Hobbies and Interests............................................................................................246.7 Childhood Experiences..........................................................................................246.8 Your Favorite . . .....................................................................................................256.9 Your Favorite . . .....................................................................................................256.10 School Target.......................................................................................................256.11 International Experience......................................................................................266.12 Family Essays......................................................................................................266.13 Wait-list Letter.....................................................................................................27

Lesson Three: Essay Structures......................................................28

1. Standard Structure....................................................................................282. Issue Analysis...........................................................................................303. Compare and Contrast...............................................................................314. Chronological............................................................................................315. Narrative..................................................................................................32

Lesson Four: Style and Tone...........................................................34

1. Sentence Variety.......................................................................................342. Word Choice..............................................................................................343. Verbs........................................................................................................37

Passive Tense...............................................................................................................37Changing Passive Voice to Active Voice.......................................................................39

4. Transition.................................................................................................414. Clichés......................................................................................................45

Lesson Five: Introductions and Conclusions....................................46

1. Introductions............................................................................................462. Conclusions...............................................................................................48

Lesson Six: Editing and Revising....................................................50

1. Editing Checklist.......................................................................................502. Final Steps................................................................................................53

Lesson 1 : Preparation

1. The Audience

Have you ever tried to imagine what happens to your essay after you submit your application? For many

applicants, this part of the process is a mystery, but it does not have to be.

First, your file (application, transcripts, test scores, recommendations, and essays) will be read in its entirety

by at least one, and usually by two or three, members of the admissions committee. This means that your

application will never be summarily dismissed based on any one factor such as your GPA. or GRE. scores.

It also means that no matter how you scored -- no matter how well or how badly -- your essays will still

receive some attention.

Admissions officers spend anywhere from ten to forty minutes looking at a given set of essays. One officer

explained,

Essays are a huge part of the business school application. They are VERY important, so

most counselors spend a lot of time reading and evaluating them. We might read twenty

sets in a day, including what we take home at night.

Twenty sets translates into over 100 individual essays per day. This is why, when asked for their number

one pet peeve, admissions officers answer, "Boring essays!" and "Essays that all sound the same!" When

asked what their number one piece of advice for applicants is, they answer, "Put yourself into your essays,

and make them interesting!"

Once an application has been given a first, quick read, it will go into one of three basic piles: accept, reject,

and unsure. A committee member stated,

Usually, two kinds of files go through easily and aren't read by more than two people: the

truly outstanding because the file is so brilliant and the truly outstanding because the file is

so poor.

If your application is in either the accept or reject categories, it will generally be read by one additional

person for confirmation. If the application is rated acceptable, the second reader is usually the dean. If the

second reader agrees with the first, the process is complete. All other applications-and this is usually

upwards of 75 percent-fall into the unsure pile. That pile then gets subdivided into probably accept, probably

reject, and unsure-and so on and so forth.

The longer your application remains in the unsure pile, the more similar your numbers and background will

be to the others in the pile. When competition gets tough, your essays become virtually the only tool you

have to make your background and experience come alive, distinguishing you from the rest of the

homogenous crowd.

2. What "They" Look For

Admissions officers comments in italics.

When members of an admissions committee look at your file as a whole (transcripts, GRE scores,

application, recommendations, and personal statement), what they seek is essentially the same. Can this

person succeed academically at this school and will this person contribute to his field upon graduating?

But when the committee members hone in on your essay, the focus shifts from the quantifiable and

objective to the nebulous and subjective. The admissions officers we spoke with, for example, said that they

looked to the essays to feel that they have gotten to know the personality and character of a real, live

human being. As one officer put it: "I'm going to spend the next three years with this person. I'm going to

choose someone I feel I know, and someone I feel I could like."

Motivation

The admissions committee will expect your essay to have answered the obvious, but not so simple,

question "why?" They look to your essay to understand your motivation and assess your commitment to

studying your field.

Every essay should focus on answering the question, Why? In other words: Why law? Why

now? Why here? Why us? And, of course, Why you?

While you will be offered a lot of advice in this help course, do not lose sight of the ultimate goal of the

essay: You must convince the admissions committee members that you belong at their school. Everything

we tell you should be used as a means to this end, so step back from the details of this process regularly

and remind yourself of the big picture.

Writing/Communication Skills

Another obvious function of the essay is to showcase your language abilities and writing skills.

The ability to communicate ideas and to present them skillfully is essential to success in

academic fields, and good writing stems from these good communication skills.

At this level, good writing skills are not sought, they are expected. So, while a beautifully written essay isn't

going to get you into graduate school, a poorly written one could keep you out.

Does the candidate have a strong command of the English language? A solid writing style

and an ability to organize his or her thoughts? These are factors that are important to your

success as a student, so why wouldn't they be important in an essay?

A Real Person

As we mentioned earlier, what our admissions panel said it seeks more than anything else in the personal

statement is a real, live human being:

Please, show us your face! Don't do it for us-do it for yourselves. After all, a person is a lot

easier to accept than a bunch of impersonal numbers and a list of accomplishments.

In light of this, then, it might not surprise you that when we asked admissions officers and graduate students

for their number one piece of advice regarding the essay, we received the same response almost every

time. Although it was expressed in many different ways (be honest, be sincere, be unique, be personal, and

so on), it always came down to the same point: Be Yourself!

Admissions officers have to read tons of essays, and like anyone would, we get bored. The

essays that interest us and that do the job right are the ones that show us who this person

is.

Unfortunately, achieving this level of communication in writing does not come naturally to everyone. But that

does not mean it cannot be learned. Four tips for achieving the kind of sincerity that the committees seek

are listed below.

Remember, though, that even with the help of the tips and advice, the impression that your composition

makes can be very hard to gauge in your own writing. It is a good idea to have objective people- preferably

people who do not already know you well-read it over when you have finished. Ask them to describe the

kind of person they pictured as they were reading. How accurate is their description relative to the one you

were trying to present? If their description sounds ambiguous or if they are struggling for words, take it as a

tip that you may not be presenting a clear and focused portrait.

Get Personal

The best way to write yourself into your statement is to make it personal. When you do this, your essay will

automatically be more interesting and engaging, helping it stand out from the hundreds of others the

committee will be reviewing that week.

Personalize your essay as much as possible; generic essays are not only boring to read,

they're a waste of time because they don't tell you anything about the applicant that helps

you get to know them better.

What does it mean to make your essay personal? It means that you drop the formalities and write about

something that is truly meaningful to you. It means that you include a story or anecdote taken from your life,

using ample detail and colorful imagery to give it life. 

Express thoughts and emotions, not just facts and ideas. Communicate real experiences.

We want to know what has touched you in your life.

Do keep in mind, however, that a story does not need to be poignant or emotional to be personal. 

A personal epiphany, tragedy, life change, or earth-shattering event is not essential to a

strong essay.

It is a small minority of students who will truly have had a life-changing event to write about. In fact, students

who rely too heavily on these weighty experiences often do themselves an injustice. They often don't think

about what has really touched them or interests them because they are preoccupied with the topic that they

think will impress the committee. They write overemotionally about death or another life drama because

they think this is all that is significant enough to make them seem introspective and mature. What often

happens, however, is that they rely on the experience itself to speak for them and never specifically explain

how it changed them or give a solid example of how the emotional response makes meaningful their desire

to attend law school. In other words, they don't make it personal.

Details, Details, Details

To make your essay personal, use details. 

Generality is the death of good writing. Focus on the little things, the details that make your

story special and unique.

Using detail means getting specific. Show, don't tell, who you are by backing up each and every claim you

make with real experiences. It is these details that make your story unique and interesting. 

Look at the detail used by this applicant, for example. He opens his essay with: 

One evening, during Christmas vacation of my freshman year in college, when a formidable

storm outside called for an evening of hot tea and heavy reading, I picked up a book that

had been sitting on my desk for several weeks.

Notice that he didn't just sit down and pick up a book. He sat down during Christmas vacation, and not just

any year, but his freshman year in college, and it wasn't just any night, it was a stormy night that called for

an evening of hot tea and heavy reading and the book wasn't just anywhere, it was on his desk and it had

been there for several weeks. Notice too in the rest of his essay that he backs up each point he makes with

specific examples. For example, he learned to value work and education from his father-a common claim-

but he goes on to tell us exactly how his father taught him this by naming specific jobs and promotions he

had. Details bring the experience to life.

Tell a Story

Incorporating a story into your essay can be a great way to make it interesting and enjoyable. The safest

and most common method of integrating a story into an essay is to tell the story first, then step back into the

role of narrator and explain why it was presented and what lessons were learned. The reason this method

works is that it forces you to begin with the action, which is a sure way to get the readers' attention and

keep them reading.

Give your essay momentum-make sure the parts work together and move to a point,

carrying the reader along.

Many of the essay examples in this course make effective use of storytelling. They integrate the story into

the essay to varying degrees. This applicant takes one extreme by actually separating the narrative from

the rest of her essay. She begins with two different stories told one after the other in one paragraph each,

then skips a few lines on the paper and begins the "real" essay. We strongly caution against this type of

structure which could be perceived as gimmicky. In contrast, this applicant integrates the story of his efforts

to ban the Confederate flag from the Boy Scouts, but steps out of the narrative at various points to discuss

his more recent activities and his motivation to attend law school.

3. Common Flaws

Unlike every other means of evaluation, the personal essay is not multiple-choice, it is not timed, and it

does not require auditions or tryouts. You can re-write it hundreds of times and ask everyone you know to

read it. Unlike your test scores, grades, and recommendations, you have absolute control over your

application essay. Make sure you use that control to your advantage and don't fall victim to the most

common essay flaws.

Poor Proofing

Spell checks can't catch everything. Be sure to read your essay for unintended or silly meanings. Take a

lesson from these unfortunate essay blunders:

"I am proud to be able to say that I have sustained from the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco

products."

"For almost all involved in these stories, premature burial has had a negative effect on their lives."

"Going to school in your wonderfully gothic setting would be an exciting challenge."

"He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego."

Boring Introductions

Example: Art is a reflection of one's self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because

art is very personal, it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is

music.

The first two sentences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay:

introspective and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and stifled structure in the third sentence.

To keep the tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: "Although artistic expression

can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me."

Not Enough Detail

Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that tell rather than show

the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not "get it" if they do not beat their

main arguments to death. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clichés: the value of hard work and

perseverance, learning from mistakes, etc. An example helps explain the difference:

In a mediocre essay: I developed a new compassion for the disabled.

In a good essay: The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I

smiled and immediately took her arm.

The first example provides no detail, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that actually

happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.

Wordiness

Because personal essays are limited to a certain number of words, you must use the allotted space wisely.

Sometimes that means paring down ideas or details, especially if they are repetitive or irrelevant. Details

that don't relate to the story serve only to distract the reader and to obscure the larger themes of the essay.

Here's one convoluted example:

Before: Bound to a sacred covenant of marriage, Ethan is cognizant of the significance of

remaining loyal to one's wife and also of the stigma associated with maltreatment of her.

Violating this code of ethics invariably results in adverse effects, as is sadly witnessed in

the outcome of Ethan Frome.

After: Bound to a sacred covenant of marriage, Ethan understands what will happen to him

if he is disloyal to his wife. Any violation of this code of ethics means disaster, as witnessed

in the finale of Ethan Frome.

Colloquialism

Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the

most informal essays. An essay's language needs to take itself seriously if it hopes to be taken seriously by

others. Only non-traditional pieces, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should rely on

conversational elements. Informal writing works only when the writer is consciously trying to achieve an

effect. Here's one example of inappropriately colloquial language.

Example: You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this kid

really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing away their right to

vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great. Some kids believe that their vote

doesn't count. Well, I think they're wrong.

Sentence Variety

The longer the sentence, the better it is -- or so some students think. Obviously, this is far from the truth.

Long, complicated sentences do not prove a writer's worth, and short sentences often pack the most punch.

The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths, mixed within any given paragraph. While reading an

essay out loud, listen to the rhythm of the prose. If the sentences twist and turn for entire paragraphs, or

you run out of breath at any point, break them up into smaller statements.

Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult

pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.

After: I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I worked hard to learn

difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work

with the piano nourished my love for music.

As an exercise to improve sentence variety, once you have completed your essay, try labeling each

sentence "short" (under 10 words), "medium" (under 20 words), or "long" (20 or more words). A nice

paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay would be S S S M L L L.

Use of Passive Voice

Passive-voice expressions use verb phrases that include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or

been. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting. Sentences in active voice are

also more concise than those in passive voice. 

Before: I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.

After: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.

Don't thesaurusize your Essay

Put your thesaurus away when writing your application essay. Big words, especially when misused, detract

from the essay, inappropriately drawing the reader's attention.

Before: As a youth, I performed on myriad stages throughout the country.

After: As a youth, I performed on countless stages throughout the country.

By eliminating these common flaws from your essay, you can engage the admissions committee with your

experiences, rather than amusing them for being the "modest kid with an unbelievable ego."

 

4. Brainstorming

These exercises are more focused on finding the specific points and details that you will need to incorporate

into your statement.

The Chronological Method

Start from childhood and record any and all special or pivotal experiences that you remember. Go from

grade to grade, and job to job, noting any significant lessons learned, achievements reached, painful

moments endured, or obstacles overcome. Also, include your feelings about those occurrences as you

remember them. If you are a visual person, it might help to draw a timeline. Do not leave out any significant

event.

This goal of this exercise is to help you uncover long-forgotten material from your youth. This material can

be used to demonstrate a long-standing dedication to your field, or to illustrate the kind of person you are by

painting an image of yourself as a child. Be cautioned in advance, though, that relying too heavily on

accomplishments or awards won too far in your past can diminish the strength of your points. Graduate

schools are more interested in what you have been doing since college than in what you accomplished, no

matter how impressive, in high school.

Assess Your Accomplishments

Write down anything you are proud of doing, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem. Do not limit

your achievements to your career. If you have overcome a difficult personal obstacle, be sure to list this too.

If something is important to you, it speaks volumes about who you are and what makes you tick. Some

accomplishments will be obvious, such as any achievement that received public accolade or

acknowledgment. Others are less so, and many times the most defining moments of our lives are those we

are inclined to dismiss.

List Your Skills

Do an assessment of your skills that is similar to the one you did for your accomplishments. Do not limit

yourself to your "field" skills such as research abilities and published papers. Cast your net broadly. Being

able to draw connections between your unique skills and how they will make you a contributing member of

your field is what will make you memorable. Begin by looking back at the last exercise and listing the skills

that are highlighted by your accomplishments. When you have a list of words, start brainstorming on other

ways you have demonstrated these skills in the last few years. Pretend that you are defending these skills

in front of a panel of judges. Stop only when you have proven each point to the best of your ability.

Analyze Personality Traits

There is a fine and fuzzy line between skills and personality traits that can be used to your advantage.

Almost any quality can be positioned as a skill or ability if the right examples are used to demonstrate them.

If you had trouble listing and defending your skills in the last exercise, then shift the focus to your qualities

and characteristics instead. Make a few columns on a sheet of paper. In the first one, list some adjectives

you would use to describe yourself. In the next one, list the words your best friend would use. Use the other

columns for other types of people-perhaps one for your boss and another for family members or coworkers. 

When you have finished, see which words come up the most often. Look for such words as maturity,

responsibility, sense of purpose, academic ability, intellectual curiosity, creativity, thoughtfulness,

trustworthiness, sense of humor, perseverance, commitment, integrity, enthusiasm, confidence,

conscientiousness, candor, leadership, goal-orientation, independence, and tact, to name a few. Group

them together and list the different situations in which you have exhibited these characteristics. How

effectively can you illustrate or prove that you possess these qualities? How do these qualities reflect on

your ability to succeed in the academic world?

Note Major Influences

Was there a particular person who shaped your values and views? Did a particular book or quote make you

rethink your life? Relationships can be good material for an essay, particularly a relationship that challenged

you to look at people in a different way. Perhaps you had a wise and generous mentor from whom you

learned a great deal. Have you had an experience that changed how you see the world, or defines who you

are? What details of your life, special achievements, and pivotal events have helped shape you and

influence your goals?

Identify Your Goals

The first step of this exercise is to let loose and write down anything that comes to mind regarding your

goals: What are your dreams? What did you want to be when you were younger? If you could do or be

anything right now, regardless of skill, money, or other restrictions, what would it be? Think as broadly as

you wish, and do not limit yourself to professional goals. Will you have kids? What kind of house will you

live in? What kinds of friends will you have? 

The second step is to begin honing in on some more specific or realistic goals. Given your current skills,

education, and experience, where could you expect to be in twenty years? Where would you be ideally?

Think in terms of five-year increments, listing actual positions and places, if possible. Be detailed and

thorough in your assessment, and when you think you are finished, dig a little deeper.

Your goal of becoming a graduate school student is obvious, of course, but when you can show the

admissions committee that you have thought more specifically about your goals, it reemphasizes the

sincerity of your motivation. After all, you must have a personal or professional goal that requires graduate

school. Admissions committees want to know exactly why you have the interest you do and what you plan

to do with your education.

5. Topic Selection

In this exercise, you will find a list of Do's and Don'ts for selecting a topic, along with comments from long-

time admissions officers who advised in the creation of this course. For each of your potential topics, fill in

this checklist. If you find yourself repeatedly answering "no" to these questions for any given topic, you

should drop it and move on to another.

1. Have I selected a topic that describes something of personal importance to my life?

Admissions Officer Says: "Personalize your essays as much as possible-generic essays

are not only boring to read, they're a waste of time because they don't tell you anything to

help you get to know the applicant any better."

2. Am I avoiding a gimmicky topic? You should not write your essay in iambic pentameter or tell jokes.

Almost always, this is done poorly and is not appreciated by the admissions committee. Nothing is worse

than not laughing at something that was written to be funny.

Admissions Officer Says: "Gimmicks are a big mistake, and a sarcastic or flippant tone will

often offend."

3. Does my topic stay away from information listed elsewhere on my application? Don't mention

GPAs or standardized test scores in your essay. That's what the resume and other parts of the application

are for.

Admissions Officer Says: "Listings of anything are dull, no matter how impressive." "Essays

should be about more than just a running tally of accomplishments."

4. Will I be able to offer vivid supporting paragraphs to my essay topic? Do not choose a topic if you

cannot provide concrete examples for the body of the essay.

Admissions Officer Says: "Details provide the color, the spice, and the life of the essays."

"As the saying goes, if you're going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk."

5. Can I fully answer the question asked of me? Can you address and elaborate on all points within the

specified word limit, or will you end up writing a poor summary of something that might be interesting as a

report or research paper? If you plan on writing something technical for an application, make sure you can

back up your interest in a topic and not merely throw around big scientific words. Unless you convince the

reader that you actually have the life experiences to back up your interest in neurobiology, the reader will

assume that you are trying to impress him or her with shallow tactics. Also, be sure that you can write to

admissions officers and that you are not writing over their heads.

Admissions Officer Says: "Actually answer the question they ask. Many people just list off

their accomplishments and never relate it to the theme of the question."

6. Will my topic keep the reader's interest from the first word? The entire essay must be interesting,

considering admissions officers will probably spend only a few minutes reading each essay.

Admissions Officer Says: "If the first paragraph doesn't fix my attention, like anyone I'm

prone to skimming."

7. Is my topic unique? Some applicants are so concerned about making the correct impression that they

edit out anything that would help their essay stand out. They submit a "safe" essay that is, in reality, sterile,

monotonous, and deadly boring. Most topics are in fact overdone, and this is not necessarily a bad thing,

but a unique and convincing answer to a classic topic can pay off big. Furthermore, when applying to a

competitive program that might be out of your reach, taking a risk in the essay may help your chances by

standing out.

Admissions Officer Says: "Applicants should not be afraid to go out on a limb and be

themselves-even when that means incorporating humor or being a little bit controversial."

8. Am I being myself? Admissions officers want to learn about you and your writing ability. You must

develop your own voice and tell YOUR story. Many people travel to foreign countries or win competitions,

but your feelings during these events are unique to you. 

Admissions Officer Says: "It is through the essay that the admissions officers reading the

application will feel that they have truly gotten to know you."

9. Does my topic avoid hot-button issues that may offend the reader? If you write on how everyone

should worship your God, how wrong or right abortion is, or how you think the Republican Party is evil, you

will not be admitted. The only thing worse than not writing a memorable essay is writing an essay that will

be remembered negatively. Stay away from specific religions, political doctrines, or controversial opinions. 

Admissions Officer Says: "Don't risk offending us."

10. Will an admissions officer remember my topic after a day of reading hundreds of essays? What

will the officer remember about your topic? What will the officer remember about you? What will

your lasting impression be?

11. If you are writing about something unfortunate that has happened to you, ask: Am I able to highlight

my impressive qualities under difficult circumstances without sounding pathetic? Unless you only

use the experience as a lens with which to magnify your own personal characteristics, you will not write a

good essay. Graduate and professional school applicants should generally steer clear of this topic

altogether unless the experience can arguably help one become a better businessman, doctor, lawyer, or

scholar.

12. Does my essay fit in well with the rest of my application? Does it explain the unexplained and

steer clear of what is already obvious? For example, if you have a high grades and test scores, no one

doubts your ability to do the academic work; addressing this topic would be ridiculous. 

13. Does my topic avoid mentioning my weaknesses? You want to make a positive first impression, and

using the limited space you have to mention weaknesses is not a good idea. Some applicants can pull it off

if the weakness helps highlight strength.

14. If you think you can add diversity to the school to which you are applying, ask: Does my essay

specifically demonstrate how my uniqueness will contribute to the realm of campus opinion, the

academic environment, or the social life? Every college, professional school, or graduate school wants

to increase diversity. For this reason, so many applicants are tempted to declare what makes them

different. However, simply saying that you are a black, lesbian female will not impress admissions officers in

the least. While an essay incorporating this information would probably be your best topic idea, you must

subtly handle the issue by addressing your own personal qualities and how you overcame stigma or dealt

with social ostracism. 

At this point, you might have a topic so inspiring that the essay writes itself. However, even seemingly

boring topics can be made into exceptional admissions essays with an innovative approach. In writing the

essay you must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade the admissions officer that you are extremely

worthy of admission and to make the admissions officer aware that you are more than a GPA and a

standardized score, that you are a real-life, intriguing personality.

Unfortunately, there is no surefire step-by-step method to writing a good essay. However, you can gain an

advantage by submitting your essay for editing by EssayEdge.

Lesson Two: Specific Themes and Questions

Part of what makes the personal statement so difficult is that you need to do so much in one essay. Unlike

the college application essay where your motivation is unquestioned and your goals can remain undefined,

writing a personal statement for admission to graduate school requires that you incorporate multiple themes

in one composition. Needless to say, this can be tricky.

There are three basic themes for you to consider:

1. Why you want to study your field / attend this graduate school.

2. What makes you unique, different, or exceptional.

3. Why you are qualified. 

You might focus on only one theme or try to incorporate all three. No matter how you choose to do it,

remember that if your essay doesn't ultimately express your motivation for attending graduate school and

pose an argument for why you should be accepted, you've missed the mark.

In this section you will also find Question-Specific strategies for specific essay topics. If you face a specific

question not listed here, be sure to check out our College Admissions Essay Help Course or our Business

School Admissions Essay Help Course for question-specific strategies on over 20 different common

questions. Many graduate schools have some short answer questions that are thoroughly explored in other

sections of this site.

1. Why Graduate School?

The secret to doing this theme well is to show why you want to study your field. Don't just say it and expect

it to stand on its own. Admissions officers want believable details from your life that demonstrate your desire

and make it real to them.

One secret to avoiding the here-we-go-again reaction is to keep an eye on your first line. Starting with "I've

wanted to be a physicist since…" makes admissions officers cringe. Yes, we know it's an easy line to fall

back on, but these poor people have read this sentence more times than they can count, and it gets old

fast. Instead, start with a story that demonstrates your early call to law. Look, for example, at the first

paragraph of this essay:

"That's not fair." Even as the smallest of children, I remember making such a proclamation:

in kindergarten it was "not fair" when I had to share my birthday with another little girl and

didn't get to sit on the "birthday chair." When General Mills changed my favorite childhood

breakfast cereal, "Kix," I, of course, thought this was "not fair." Unlike many kids (like my

brother) who would probably have shut up and enjoyed the "great new taste" or switched to

Cheerios, this kid sat her bottom down in a chair (boosted by the phone book) and typed a

letter to the company expressing her preference for the "classic" Kix over the "great new

taste" Kix. 

In telling the story, this writer demonstrates that the roots of her political activism run deep without having to

ever say it. She doesn't just tell us and expect us to take her word for it-she shows us.

Another approach that is overdone is the "my dad is a XXX" approach. Some admissions officers said that

when the only reason an applicant gives for wanting to study a field is a family legacy, it makes them

question not only the motivation but the maturity of the applicant. While this doesn't mean you need to hide

the fact that your parent is a member of your desired field, it does mean that you should avoid depending on

that as your sole reason for wanting to go to graduate school. If a parent truly was your inspiration, then

describe exactly why you were inspired by them, and what you have done to test your motivation in the real

world.

2. Why Qualified?

Another major theme deals with your experience and qualifications both for attending graduate school and

for becoming a contributing member of your field. Having work experience or research experience in your

field is always the best evidence you can give. If you have none, then consider what other experience you

have that is related. The rule to follow here is: If you have it, use it.

Field Experience

Direct experience with your field of study is the best kind to have in your essay. But the important thing to

remember here is that any type or amount of experience you have had should be mentioned, no matter how

insignificant you feel it is. Here is an example of an essay by an HIV counselor and one by an applicant with

ER experience who both are applying to medical school.

Research Experience

A word of caution: Do not focus solely on your research topic unless this is the standard practice of your

field of study and you must outline your thesis. By over relying on your research, you risk your essay

sounding impersonal. Watch out for overuse of jargon. If it is necessary for the description of your project,

then, of course, you have no choice. But including jargon in your essay just because you are able to will not

impress anyone. This applicant, for example, delves into the use of scientific and medical terms, but also

also spends enough time away from them to reveal his own personal, non-technical voice.

Unusual Field Experience

Even if you have no formal experience, you might still have field experience that counts. Maybe you are an accomplished amateur astronomer or have been researching quantum physics for years before deciding to pursue a PhD. This applicant deals with a fascinating success story: The writer was forced to become a doctor by default in a village in Honduras for a summer, even though she had no formal training, no experience, and her only supply was "a $15 Johnson & Johnson kit."

3. Why Unique, Different, Exceptional?

If you are different in any sense of the word-if you are an older applicant, a member of a minority, a foreign

applicant, an athlete or musician, disabled, or have an unusual academic or career background, use this

angle to your advantage by showing what your unique background will bring to the school and to your field.

One interesting topic for foreign students, for example, might be to talk about how the education system

differs in this country and why they are choosing it over a course of study in their own country and/or

language. 

Beware, however, that there are instances where playing the diversity card will backfire: 

If you are a "student of diversity" then of course, use it. But don't harp on it for its own sake

or think that being different by itself is enough to get you in-that will only make us feel

manipulated and it can show that you didn't know how to take advantage of a good

opportunity.

Only people with significant and documentable disabilities should bring them up in the

essay. By that I mean not the current popular overdiagnosed disability du jour, which in my

day was ADD.

The secret is to tie in your diversity strongly with your motivations or qualifications, or with what you can

bring to the class. If you can't make a strong tie-in, then you might simply make a brief mention of your

exceptional trait, background, or talent instead of making it the focus. This can be a very effective approach

because it shows that you have enough confidence in your qualifications and abilities to let them stand on

their own. It is as though you are simply mentioning the fact that you are blind or a refugee from a war-torn

land or a violin virtuoso to add shading to your already strong, colorful portrait.

Some applicants, however, will have the opposite problem and will feel uncomfortable stressing their

differences. Career switchers or older applicants, for example, sometimes feel insecure about incorporating

their experience into the essay, thinking that they will only draw attention to the fact that the bulk of their

experience is in another field. If this sounds like you, remember that your past experience gives you a

unique perspective and you can use your essay to turn this into an advantage instead of a liability. Or,

alternately, you could stress the similarities instead of the differences and make your diverse job

experiences relevant by drawing comparisons between the skills required in your current field and the ones

that will be needed in graduate school. This writer draws multiple parallels between studying English

literature and his experiences volunteering with the American Civil Liberties Union.

4. Wait-list Letter

If you've recently been wait-listed, take heart: you still have a chance. However, too many wait-listed

applicants assume that the only way to get off the wait list is to wait. Unless the school specifically advises

otherwise, you should follow up with the school to reiterate your interest and fill them in on any thing new

that might help your chances.

Schools want to admit people who will attend; this is particularly true of the wait list. There will be many

people on the wait list who already made a decision to attend another school; there will be others who

desperately want to attend the school in question. Admissions officers can only distinguish these two

groups of people by the level of interest you show after being wait-listed.

You should write a concise wait-list letter in which you:

1. Express your interest in attending the school. You should thank them for considering you and not

mention your disappointment at not being accepted. You might even let them know this is your first choice

school. At this stage, they will believe such a claim since if it weren't your first choice school, you would not

bother to write an essay.

2. Mention your recent accomplishments / activities that will impress the admissions committee. Maybe you

improved your GPA or led a successful business team. Maybe you volunteered as a big brother or started a

business. Mentioning these things can only help your case, particularly if

you make the wait-list letter consistent with your first personal statement. Admissions officers will reevaluate

your whole application before admitting you off the wait list.

3. Realize the school did not accept you for a reason. You are wait-listed because they saw a small

weakness in your application. Perhaps you had a low test score or inadequate extracurricular activities.

Without mentioning your weakness, mention things that strengthen your application and eliminate a

perceived weakness.

4. Let them know you are serious about attending the school and can provide additional references,

information, etc.

Whatever you do, don't write more than 1.5 pages. These admissions officers read hundreds to thousands

of essays and don't want to see information repeated in a wait-list letter. Send a letter every 3 - 4 weeks. It

never hurts to include another strong letter of recommendation as well. 

5. Transfer Essay

Tips for the Transfer EssayBy: E. Whitney Soule, the Director of Transfer Admission at Connecticut College

Transferring from one institution to another is competitive and complicated. Before a student can even think

about the details of transferable credit, housing, and financial aid, he or she must get admitted.

Like freshmen applicants, transfer students compete for limited space in a college or university. Submitting

solid academic credentials is an obvious requirement. However, most institutions will require an essay that

explains the student's reasons for transferring. If done well, the essay can be the most powerful and

convincing part of a transfer student's application.

Admission officers review hundreds, sometimes thousands, of applications every year and have to make

decisions quickly based on the information available at the time of review. They will be especially discerning

when considering transfer applications. After all, the student has already been through the application and

enrollment process once (sometimes twice!), and an admission officer will want to be sure that the next

landing is for good.

Since it is unlikely that admission officers will have the time to call an applicant for more information,

questions often get answered by extrapolating from the information available in the application. Therefore,

an applicant must anticipate the questions an admission committee might ask and then answer them in the

essay(s).

Without exception, transfer students have specific and tangible reasons for wanting to leave one college

and attend another. Every admission committee will want an explanation. It is both appropriate and

important for the applicant to be able to articulate the reasons for choosing the first school, why that school

is no longer the right fit, and why the next school will be better.

For example, if a student writes a simple essay explaining that he wants to transfer from University A to

College B, "Because College B is smaller and on the east coast," the admission committee may interpret

that the student prefers smaller classes, is homesick, prefers an undergraduate majority, and so on. Yet,

had the student written a detailed essay about how his original desire to attend a large university in the

Midwest was no longer appropriate given his new passion to study marine biology in College B's new

science facility, the admission committee would have confidence in the student's motivation to pursue

transferring.

Naturally, if an applicant's credentials have obvious inconsistencies, the essay will need to address those

as well. For one applicant, the problem might have to do with a curious drop in G.P.A. and for another, it

may have to do with a switch in major or concentration. 

Unfortunately, little consistency exists among colleges and universities regarding transfer deadlines,

application requirements, admission formulas, and transfer credit evaluation. However, all transfer students

will be expected to explain their circumstances and choices, most often through an essay or two. The

transfer essay is a student's opportunity to tell it like it is, to get to the nitty-gritty and defend it with

confidence.

E. Whitney Soule

Associate Director of Admission

Director of Transfer Admission

Connecticut College

6. General Essay Topics

6.1 Essay Set Strategy, Short Essays

Examples of Essay Sets:

Georgetown Applicant: Short Essays Duke Applicant: Essay Set

Harvard Applicant: Essay Set

Working with Sets of Essays

Some schools require you to write answers to a series of questions rather than submit a single personal

statement. If you are applying to such a school, you will need to consider the impact that your essay set as

a whole is going to have. You need, in other words, to put as much thought and planning into the structure,

balance, and content of your set as you do into each of your separate essays.

Working with multiple essays has many advantages. First, more essays mean more opportunity to sell

yourself to the committee. Second, you do not need to worry about having to cram too many points into one

essay or having to leave something out. Multiple essays give you ample space to do justice to all the

different areas of your life. Third, because you have the chance to present many different sides of yourself,

you can be more creative and take riskier approaches with one of them, knowing that the other essays will

back you up if your approach does not go over well with all of the readers.

Essay Set Strategy

Making an impact with multiple essays requires that you plan and strategize for the set just as you would if

you were preparing a single composition. Begin by making two lists. One should cover all the points that

you would like to make about yourself. The second should include all the different areas of your life about

which you would like the committee to know. Your first list might include skills or personality traits such as

perseverance, dedication, or enthusiasm. The second will include some of the topics discussed in the last

section such as your extracurricular involvements, international experience, or academic interests. 

When you have finished, look at your questions and begin thinking about which ones you can use to convey

which points and areas. Picture your essay set as a jigsaw puzzle. Each essay provides a different piece of

the puzzle that, when read together, form a single, cohesive image. 

Do not be afraid to be creative when it comes to fitting the different areas of your life into the framework of

the questions as long as you answer the questions asked. You could use a question about your

accomplishments to discuss your diving trophy, for example. Then surprise the committee members by

focusing on your love of traveling in answer to a question about extracurriculars.

Tips for Answering Short Essays

When you are required to answer multiple questions, the schools usually impose a strict word limit for the

answer. These questions need the same care and attention as longer essays. 

Some short-answer questions ask for lists of activities, summer work, jobs, honors, reading, and so on. You

can take either of two approaches to answer this type of question: the list or the paragraph. For each

method, provide complete information about the items you list, follow the same format for each question. Be

sure to include the activity, your involvement, and the time commitment. Make it clear that your activities

have involved responsibility and effort. Do not worry about the number of activities you list-when it comes to

quantity, less is often more.

6.2 Growth and Development

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Stanford Applicant: Picture of Self Princeton Applicant: Poor Growth Essay

These questions try to find out about you by asking how you have grown and developed over the past few

years. Some ask this directly. Others are more creative, like this question, which asks you to attach a

picture of yourself and describe how you have grown.

Making you compare yourself at two different stages of your life is a clever way to get you to open up about

who you really are. Although you do want to show that you have matured, remember that "the child is father

of the man." Do not overplay what a terrible person you once were just to make the point of what a great

person you are now. No one changes that much in five years. Besides, the before portrait might be the one

that sticks in the admissions officer's head.

This Princeton applicant did a poor job by overemphasizing how insecure and fearful a person he was but

then mentions only briefly in the final paragraph that he is now confident and successful. Learn from this

example and show, do not tell, how you have changed and who you are now.

Lastly, describe real events and scenarios to prove that your growth resulted from the decisions you made

and actions you took. Significant events and people can serve as inspiration. Real change, though, always

results from your own work, effort, and initiative. 

6.3 Future Goals

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

UPenn Applicant: Future Goals

You can generally approach questions that ask directly about your plans for the future (What are your

career goals, and why did you choose that particular career? How do you see yourself ten years from now?)

in one of a few ways. You might already have some realistic and specifically defined goals, such as

becoming a social worker or a politician. If this is the case, show that you have built your goal around a true

passion and based it in reality. Tie it in with what you have already been involved in and accomplished. 

Most students, though, do not yet know exactly what they want to do for a career. If the question allows, you

may choose to write about some more personal goals instead. Do you want to have traveled to Africa, or

climbed Mt. Everest, or run the Boston marathon by then? Perhaps your goal is something smaller, like

learning to play the piano or cook a gourmet meal. Also consider choosing an overriding theme like

philanthropy, happiness, or success. Then define the theme in your own terms, and discuss the ways in

which you hope it will be realized. No matter what you choose, show that it is a realistic goal and not just a

pipe dream. You should prove that you have already taken the first steps towards making the goals come

true.

Many of the questions in this category are worded creatively or ask you to use your imagination. This is

intended to get you to loosen up and be yourself. If the question takes you off your guard, let it-it means the

committee is looking for an unguarded answer. This makes many applicants uncomfortable. They try to

present themselves objectively but end up distancing themselves from the subject matter with overly long

words and a dry, academic tone. This is a grave mistake since the whole point of this essay is to reveal

something about yourself. This UPenn Applicant did a good job in the following example by writing a fun

piece about her idea of an ideal life at 50.

Writing this type of essay also gives you a great opportunity to show the admissions committee that you

consider their institution to be an integral step toward attaining your goal. Show them that you have done

your research and have chosen them for specific and personal reasons.

6.4 Role Models and Influence

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Wellesley Applicant: Mother's Influence

This type of question attempts to learn more about you through the forces that have shaped you. Many

students make the mistake of believing that this is an essay about a person, trip, or pastime. They go on at

length, describing the influence in detail without making a connection between it and themselves. The

school is not interested in learning more about a dear relative, a memorable holiday, or a motivational book.

They are interested in learning more about you. What aspect(s), specifically, of the book, person, or event

made an impression on you, and how? What action did you take to turn this impression into personal

development and change?

There are no wrong answers here. Far more important than who you chose, though, is how you portray that

person. In other words, do not choose someone because you think it will impress the committee. Name

dropping is not only obvious, it is ineffective. Heed this one word of caution, though. Applicants very

commonly pick one of their parents (click here for a sample essay). This does not mean that it is wrong, but

it does mean that you will have to do some extra work to make your essay stand out from the crowd.

Some questions about role models aim for the less serious. "If you could walk in someone else's shoes for

a day," or "If you could have lunch with any person dead or alive." Whereas the other role model questions

ask for mentors, this question asks for heroes. You do not need to be as realistic in your response-feel free

to loosen up and have fun. However, always consider what the committee members will infer from your

choice. Why did you choose that person? Was it because he or she is similar or dissimilar to you? Did you

choose to write about that individual because of what you could learn or to effect a change?

6.5 Achievement Essays

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Michigan Applicant: Time Management

Your answer to questions like "Describe a significant challenge you have faced," and "Describe your

greatest accomplishment," say a lot more about you than simply what you have accomplished. It will show

the committee what you value, what makes you proud, and what you are capable of accomplishing. A

common mistake made in answering this question is repeating information that can be found elsewhere in

the application. A good student, for example, will be tempted to fall back on stressing his or her high G.P.A.

or S.A.T. score. A person who has won a number of awards or acknowledgments will try to include all of

them and end up turning their essay into little more than a prose list.

If you do choose to write about an accomplishment that the committee can read about somewhere else on

your application, be sure to bring the experience alive by demonstrating what it took to get there and how it

affected you personally. While you can toot your own horn, do it without being didactic or preachy. You will

not have to worry about either extreme if you spend the bulk of your essay simply telling the story.

If you feel like you have not done anything worth focusing on, then remind yourself that the best essays are

often about modest accomplishments. It does not matter what you accomplished as long as it was

personally meaningful and you can make it come alive. Unless specified, the accomplishment can be

professional, personal, or academic. Did you get a compliment from a notoriously tight-lipped, hard-driving

boss during a summer job? Did you lose the race but beat your own best time? Did you work around the

clock to bring your C in physics up to an A? Click here for an example of an essay about a relatively small

achievement.

6.6 Hobbies and Interests

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Chicago Applicant: Pen pals Stanford Applicant: Philosophy

Questions about your extracurricular activities and interests ("Describe a significant interest or value," "What

do you do for fun?" "Write about a meaningful activity") are important for showing the committee that you

are a well-rounded and passionate person. Show that you are dedicated, funny, offbeat, or interesting-after

all, these types of traits make people and essays more exciting. Communicate feelings of passion,

commitment, and devotion. Wherever possible, also demonstrate the leadership abilities you have

developed in these activities.

As with all questions, you cannot write any wrong answers here. Do not feel that you need to limit yourself

to the standard type of school-related extracurriculars like playing sports or helping with the literary

magazine. This site contains essays describing a wide variety of interests. This Chicago applicant, for

example, writes about her pen pal relationships. This Stanford applicant writes passionately about his

interest in philosophy. 

6.7 Childhood Experiences

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Cornell Applicant: Childhood Anecdotes

Some questions directly ask for stories from your youth, such as "Please define your current personality

with anecdotes from your childhood." These essays can be particularly fun to write. To answer many other

questions as well, you can highlight a point with a childhood anecdote or focus on how your upbringing has

affected who you are now. This is a great opportunity to tell a story using as many colorful details as

possible. The point, however, is to relate the anecdote to who you are today. 

6.8 Your Favorite . . .

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Harvard Applicant: Favorite Characters

Writing about an influential book, character, or historical figure intimidates even the best students. The best

strategy is to pick something that will allow you to demonstrate your own qualities through personal

experience. 

If at all possible, avoid obvious choices designed to impress an admissions committee, like Abraham

Lincoln, Mother Theresa, or The Canterbury Tales, unless they have a real, personal meaning to you. Even

then, reconsider. Pick somebody you have a genuine admiration for, whether famous or obscure. Support it

with observations, reactions, opinions, perceptions, reflections, and experience. 

6.9 Your Favorite . . .

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Harvard Applicant: Favorite Characters

Writing about an influential book, character, or historical figure intimidates even the best students. The best

strategy is to pick something that will allow you to demonstrate your own qualities through personal

experience. 

If at all possible, avoid obvious choices designed to impress an admissions committee, like Abraham

Lincoln, Mother Theresa, or The Canterbury Tales, unless they have a real, personal meaning to you. Even

then, reconsider. Pick somebody you have a genuine admiration for, whether famous or obscure. Support it

with observations, reactions, opinions, perceptions, reflections, and experience. 

6.10 School Target

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

School Target: Georgetown and Johns Hopkins

Knowing the schools to which you apply is an essential step in answering any essay, but some questions

ask you to write about them directly. When answering a question such as "Why do you want to go to

[school's name]," show that you understand what the school has to offer in your anticipated area of study or

extracurricular involvement. Mention specific factors that tie in with your area of interest. Doing this will help

you to avoid the insincere, ingratiating tone that is a danger in this type of essay. Each point will be honest

and well supported, thereby lending credibility to the essay and, in turn, to you.

Another challenge is finding a balanced yet truthful tone. Do not be cocky or self-effacing. Show a solid,

well-researched knowledge of the school. Be honest and be thorough. 

6.11 International Experience

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Harvard Applicant: Kenya Harvard Applicant: Switzerland

If you have had some interesting travel experiences or an unusual international background, you may want

to use this as the focus in one of your essays. You will be able to highlight this experience or background in

answer to almost any question. Doing so can go a long way in differentiating yourself from the crowd. Show

both how and why the experience has affected you. Make the experience itself interesting. Use vivid and

colorful details, as this Harvard Applicant did. Also, be sure to explain how the experience or background

has changed you and what you have taken away from it, as this other Harvard applicant did.

6.12 Family Essays

Sample Essays Referenced in this Section:

Harvard Applicant: Poor Essay

Writing about your family life and background can be natural and easy for some applicants but daunting for

others. Few questions ask about your family life directly, so for most writers it is a choice. For those who do

not have the choice, remember that no family is ideal. You need not have had 1.5 siblings, a dog, and a

white picket fence in order to write comfortably about your family. In fact, a unique background will set you

apart. Still, this is no place to air dirty laundry. If a question about your family has you staring uncomfortably

at a blank page, then stop thinking about trying to describe your entire family history in a few paragraphs.

Just think of two or three defining qualities or characteristics of your home life, and use one or two specific

incidents to illustrate them. After you have done so, you will find that by focusing on the parts, you have

painted an accurate picture of the whole.

One pitfall that you want to avoid is seeming so attached to your family that the transition away from them

into college will be difficult. One example of a student who made this mistake is this Harvard applicant. 

6.13 Wait-list Letter

If you've recently been wait-listed, take heart: you still have a chance. However, too many wait-listed

applicants assume that the only way to get off the wait list is to wait. Unless the school specifically advises

otherwise, you should follow up with the school to reiterate your interest and fill them in on any thing new

that might help your chances.

Schools want to admit people who will attend; this is particularly true of the wait list. There will be many

people on the wait list who already made a decision to attend another school; there will be others who

desperately want to attend the school in question. Admissions officers can only distinguish these two

groups of people by the level of interest you show after being wait-listed.

You should write a concise wait-list letter in which you:

1. Express your interest in attending the school. You should thank them for considering you

and not mention your disappointment at not being accepted. You might even let them know

this is your first choice school. At this stage, they will believe such a claim since if it weren't

your first choice school, you would not bother to write an essay.

2. Mention your recent accomplishments / activities that will impress the admissions

committee. Maybe you improved your GPA or led a successful business team. Maybe you

volunteered as a big brother or started a business. Mentioning these things can only help

your case, particularly if you make the wait-list letter consistent with your first personal

statement. Admissions officers will reevaluate your whole application before admitting you

off the wait list.

3. Realize the school did not accept you for a reason. You are wait-listed because they saw

a small weakness in your application. Perhaps you had a low test score or inadequate

extracurricular activities. Without mentioning your weakness, mention things that

strengthen your application and eliminate a perceived weakness.

4. Let them know you are serious about attending the school and can provide additional

references, information, etc.

Whatever you do, don't write more than 1.5 pages. These admissions officers read hundreds to thousands

of essays and don't want to see information repeated in a wait-list letter. Send a letter every 3 - 4 weeks. It

never hurts to include another strong letter of recommendation as well.

Lesson Three: Essay Structures

There are a number of different types of structures your essay can take. The most common structures are

discussed in this section. Please select a link below or to the left for examples and strategies of various

essay structures.

1. Standard Structure

The standard structure is the most common and is recommended for use in almost any circumstance. The

general application of the standard structure is to introduce your themes and main points in the introduction,

use the body of the text to supply a single supporting point per paragraph, and then reiterate your main

points or draw a new conclusion in the last. The following is an example of a standard structure used by this

applicant who writes of her experience as a political activist:

Paragraph 1 (Introduction)

Leading Sentence: "I am an activist with a commitment to fighting for progressive causes

through legislation, policy, and grassroots organizing."

Introduces Theme: She has been active in many political projects, but her main focus has

been as an advocate for sexuality education and health care.

States Intent: "In this statement I will explain how I gained expertise in this field through

both academic and professional work from 1988 to the present."

Paragraph 2 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "At [Ivy League University] I began my commitment to

reproductive health."

Point and Evidence: She was committed to reproductive health issues academically, as

evidenced by her major in women's studies and legal issues, her study on the impact of the

abortion pill on the National Health Service, and her thesis on the legal treatment of

pregnant substance abusers.

Paragraph 3

Transition/Topic Sentence: "While I was a student, I gained professional experience as a

birth control counselor at the University health clinic."

Point and Evidence: She was committed to reproductive health issues in her extracurricular

activities as well, both as a counselor and as a Planned Parenthood educator.

Paragraph 4

Transition/Topic Sentence: "When I moved to a small desert town in the Western United

States, I volunteered for a democratic congressional campaign, where I briefed the

candidate on abortion rights and sexuality issues in health care reform."

Point and Evidence: Her first job experience involved health care activism, as the Director

of Public Affairs at Planned Parenthood.

Paragraph 5 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "I quickly learned that this small town was far more conservative

than my university's eastern college community."

Point and Evidence: She dealt with opposition to her efforts by publishing articles and op-

ed pieces based on her research of local right wing activists. 

Paragraph 6

Transition/Topic Sentence: "When my State Senator asked me to manage his reelection

campaign, I eagerly accepted since I knew he had worked hard in support of health care

and civil rights."

Point and Evidence: She learned valuable lessons by creating effective political messages,

managing volunteers, and so on.

Paragraph 7 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "I had hoped to work in the state capitol after the campaign, and

I am now working for a state level health care advocacy organization which employs a

lobbyist and coordinates grassroots strategy."

Point and Evidence: She continues her dedication to health care and politics in her current

position by researching legislation, helping the director, etc.

Paragraph 8 (Conclusion) 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "While I believe that I have developed both academic and

professional expertise in reproductive health policy, health care reform, and political

organizing, I would like to acquire the skills and power to make a bigger difference."

Concluding Summary: The writer reiterates the main points and gives a tie-in with her

motivation to attend law school and her goals after graduation.

2. Issue Analysis

Not everyone chooses the traditional standard structure for a personal statement. Some writers choose to

focus their essays on the analysis of an issue or argument as the writer of this essay did. She writes about

the effects of development in Latin America, or more specifically, on women factory workers. Notice how

her structure highlights the most crucial aspects of what she must accomplish: 1) she makes the issue

personal, 2) she states her argument clearly using specific evidence to back it up, 3) she discusses both

sides of the issue, 4) she shows how she has been active in promoting the issue in the real world, and,

most importantly, 5) she relates her analysis of the issue to her motivation to attend law school.

Paragraph 1 (Introduction)

Leading sentence: "After college I served for two and a half years in Honduras with the U.S.

Peace Corps."

Introduces theme: She introduces the theme of development in Latin America and makes it

personal by relating it to her experience in Honduras.

States focus: "I found potential for changing some of the larger problems of development in

a surprising arena, maquilardoras, or textile factories."

Paragraph 2 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "While in Honduras I talked to many women who worked in

maquilardoras."

Point and Evidence: She introduces her point of view that the factories are not as negative

as is portrayed in academic teaching. She supports this with evidence taken from her first-

hand experience in Honduras.

Paragraph 3

Transition/Topic Sentence: "The factory jobs had other positive side effects."

Point and Evidence: She provides more solid evidence for her argument by citing the

workers' higher salaries and better education.

Paragraph 4

Transition/Topic Sentence: "How to balance these positive factors with the often exploitative and abusive

methods of the factory managers, or how to control the problems of rural-urban migration are questions I

am still investigating."

Point and Evidence: She steps back to examine other sides of the argument, but ends by restating her

position.

Paragraph 5 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "With the new U.S. policy focus on trade with Latin America and

with more and more businesses using labor abroad, labor conditions in maquiladoras will

be a growing human rights issue."

Point and Evidence: She addresses the relevance of the issue to the future, and gives

evidence of actions she has taken to promote national discussion and exposure of the

issue.

Paragraph 6 (Conclusion) 

Transition/Topic Sentence: "A law degree would give me a tool to continue to work

effectively and realistically on this and other issues that contribute to the well-being of

people affected by U.S. policies and investments in Latin America."

Point: She relates her involvement and discussion of this issue to her motivation to attend

law school.

3. Compare and Contrast

In lieu of having direct experience, some applicants will instead draw parallels between the experience they

do have and the skills required of graduate students. In this case they might choose the Compare and

Contrast structure. This structure was used by the this applicant who focused on the influence that a book

had on his approach to learning. This structure can be used to illustrate a change in your life by contrasting

who you were before the change compared to whom you are now. 

4. Chronological

Another way to create an outline for your essay is to structure your points chronologically. You could, for

instance, follow your life through the various stages of growth, beginning with yourself in childhood, moving

to high school, then to college, and so on. The advantage of this approach is that it is inherently personal

and helps the committee to learn about you and how you matured. The drawback is that it can be hard to

maintain focus and keep the essay short -- the points you want to make can get lost in the narration of your

life.

This applicant uses a chronological structure after a standard introduction:

Paragraph 1 (Introduction) 

Leading sentence: "My background as an engineer and a Hispanic affords me a unique

point of reference from which a constructive engagement in the intellectual, political, and

social spheres at [ ] will be enhanced."

Paragraph 2 

Begins at birth: "I was born in Brazil and lived in Mexico City starting at the age of two."

Paragraph 3

Jumps to college: "I pursued an education in engineering taking my Bachelor of Science in

Aeronautics and Astronautics from MIT in 1990…"

Paragraph 4

Shifts to graduate school: "At Michigan, my outside interests gravitated toward politics."

Paragraph 5

Continues with first job: "After graduating from Michigan I worked as an engineer for

General Electric Aircraft Engines for two and a half years."

Paragraph 6

Continues to current job: "I left GE because I was dissatisfied with the opportunity for

career growth…"

Paragraph 7

Brings us to present day: I was immediately given the duties normally associated with a first

or second year associate at a large firm."

Paragraph 8: (Conclusion):

Concluding sentence: "I firmly believe my experiences in law, engineering, civic activity,

and political activism will allow me to be a creative and contributing member of the

intellectual life at..."

5. Narrative

Incorporating a story into your essay is a common and effective method for catching and keeping the

reader's interest. It is also a good approach if you want to focus your essay around a single event in your

life. 

The most common way to incorporate the narrative into the personal statement is to begin by telling the

story, then step out into the role of narrator to make points and draw conclusions. A narrative can span a

lifetime or a moment. It does not have to be filled with Hollywood-style action to hold interest. The briefest

and simplest event can have significance when told effectively. What makes all of these essays effective is

their use of detail, description, and momentum.

Lesson Four: Style and Tone

Over the years, our editors have seen some amazing stories become dreadfully boring and some

ridiculously dry topics transform into an exciting read. The culprit (or hero): writing style. Witness the advice

of some admissions officers who advised in the creation of this course:

Use a conversational style and easy-to-understand language to project a

genuine, relaxed image.

Make sure that your essay is readable. Don’t make us work. Give your

essay momentum-make sure that the parts work together and move to a

point, carrying the reader along.

Don’t bore us. More often it is the monotonous style, and not the subject

matter, that makes these essays dull.

A large majority of the corrections made by our editors fall into one of five categories: Sentence Variety,

Word Choice, Verb Tense, Transition and Essay Clichés. If you weren’t paying attention in English class, here’s a

refresher…

1. Sentence Variety

Many applicants think that the longer the sentence they write, the better the sentence. This is far from the

truth. You do not need long, complicated sentences to show that you are a good writer. In fact, short

sentences often pack the most punch. The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths, mixed within

any given paragraph. Try reading your essay out-loud, pausing at every period. Listen to the rhythm of your

prose. Are all of the sentences the same length? If each of your sentences twists and turns for an entire

paragraph, or you run out of breath at any point, break them up into smaller statements. You may also want

to try a more methodical approach:

EXERCISE: SENTENCE VARIETY 

Once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence “short” (under 10 words), “medium”

(under 20 words), or “long” (20 or more words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A

dry essay would be S S S M L L L.

2. Word Choice

Don’t Thesaurusize. Another big trap into which many applicants fall is thinking that big words make

good essays. Advanced vocabulary is fine if it comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an

appropriate context.

Show, don’t tell. Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that

“tell” rather than “show” the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not “get

it” if they do not beat to death their main arguments. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clichés: “the

value of hard work and perseverance” or “learning to make a difference” or “not taking loved ones for

granted” or “dreams coming true” or “learning from mistakes.” Such statements are acceptable if used

minimally, as in topic sentences, but the best essays do not use them at all. Instead, allow the details of

your story to make the statement for you. An example helps elucidate the difference:

In a mediocre essay: “I developed a new compassion for the disabled.” 

In a better essay: “Whenever I had the chance to help the disabled, I did

so happily.”

In an excellent essay: “The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her

across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.” 

The first example provides no detail, the second example is still only hypothetical, but the final example

evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the

applicant.

Don’t Get Too Conversational. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone

should be eliminated from all but the most informal essays. The following excerpt gives examples of all four

offenses in a college essay:

You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this

kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing

away their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great.

Some people believe that their vote doesn’t count. Well, I think they’re

wrong.

In an essay like this one, in which you must show that you take things seriously, your language should also

take itself seriously. Only non-traditional essays, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should

rely on conversational elements. Write informally only when you are consciously trying to achieve an effect

that conveys your meaning.

Don’t repeatedly start sentences with “I.” It is typical for the first draft of an essay to have many

of the following type of sentence: I + verb + object, for example, “I play soccer.” If this kind of simple

structure is used too many times in an essay, it will have two effects: your language will sound stunted and

unsophisticated; you will appear extremely conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always

talks about herself. The trick is to change around the words without changing the meaning. Here is an

example:

Before: “I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard

to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve

myself. I began to love music.

After: “I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I

worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort

needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my love for

music.

Don’t repeat the same subject nouns. When writing an essay about soccer (or leadership), do

not repeatedly use the word “soccer” (or “leadership”). The repetition of nouns has much the same stunting

effect as the repetition of “I” (see above). Look for alternative phrases for your subject nouns. For soccer,

you might use vague synonyms (“the sport,” “the game”) or specific terms (“going to practice,” “completing a

pass”). In the case of leadership, you could use phrases such as “setting an example,” or “coordinating a

group effort.”

EssayEdge Extra: Trimming the Fat

The following words and phrases can usually be deleted from your essay without any loss of meaning.

Extra words rob your prose of energy by making your language convoluted and just plain fluffy (also known

in some circles as “bull” or a stronger variant). The following phrases are especially fattening because they

invite passive constructions, those that employ the verb, “to be.”

I believe that, I feel that, I hope that, I think that, I realized that, I learned that, in other

words, in order to, in fact, it is essential that, it is important to see that, the reason why, the

thing that is most important is, this is important because, this means that, the point is that,

really, very, somewhat, absolutely, definitely, surely, truly, probably, practically, hopefully, in

conclusion, in summary.

Also look for subtle redundancies of the “X and Y” variety. Only a few examples of the many are provided

below. In each pair, the two words mean nearly the same thing -- so why write both? Such redundancies

show the reader that you are not thinking about what you are saying. And, the more clichéd phrases make

your essay sound like all of the others. Instead of resorting to these sinister twins, think of more precise

language, words that really pin down your unique experience.

Hard work and effort, teamwork and cooperation, dreams and aspirations, personal growth

and development, determination and diligence, challenges and difficulties, objectives and

goals, worries and concerns, love and caring

3. Verbs

As you write your essay, remember to focus on verbs and keep adjectives to a minimum. Pumping your

sentences full of adjectives and adverbs is not the same thing as adding detail or color. Adjectives and

adverbs add lazy description, but verbs add action.

Passive Tense

Our editors find that one of the greatest weaknesses of admissions essays is their frequent use of the

passive tense. For this mini-lesson you will learn why the passive voice should be avoided, how to identify

it, and how to replace it with the preferred active voice.

Overuse of the passive voice throughout an essay can make your prose seem flat and uninteresting.

Sentences in active voice are also more concise than those in passive voice. You can recognize passive-

voice expressions because the verb phrase will always include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were,

are, or been. The presence of a be-verb, however, does not necessarily mean that the sentence is in

passive voice. In sentences written in passive voice, the subject receives the action expressed in the verb;

the subject is acted upon. In sentences written in active voice, the subject performs the action expressed in

the verb; the subject acts.

EXAMPLES: 

(Passive) I was selected to be the tuba player by the band leader.

(Active) The bandleader selected me to be the tuba player.

(Passive) I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.

(Active) My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college

(Passive) I am reminded of her voice every time I hear that song.

(Active) That song reminds me of her voice.

EXERCISE: STRONG VERBS vs. WEAK VERBS

Fill in the blanks using the most descriptive or active verb phrase.

1. After working closely with my mentor, I __________ advanced

techniques in oil painting.

a) was beginning to master

b) began to master

c) mastered

2. My newspaper article on the labor strikes __________ both praise

and criticism.

a) generated

b) got

c) was the recipient of

3. Once I joined the debate team, I __________ the opportunity to

compete every weekend.

a) sought

b) had

c) was exposed to

4. Samuel’s touchdown __________ the stadium crowd.

a) created much energy in

b) energized

c) really energized

5. Woolf’s essay __________ my opinion of gender inequality.

a) challenged

b) made me take another look at

c) was challenging to

6. As Jessica drew near me, I __________ the baton and took off

running.

a) grasped

b) got

c) was given

7. Once my mother had fallen asleep, I __________ the dolls on her

nightstand.

a) put

b) arranged

c) set up

8. Chris and I __________ an educational project for first-graders in

our community.

a) began

b) started

c) initiated

9. “Why didn’t you ask me before throwing it away?” Jason

__________.

a) hollered

b) said angrily

c) started to yell

10. Mr. Franklin __________ that he was our true father.

a) let us know

b) told us

c) revealed

Answers:

1) c; 2) a; 3) a; 4) b; 5) a; 6) a; 7) b; 8) c; 9) a; 10) c;

Changing Passive Voice to Active Voice

If you want to change a passive-voice sentence to active voice, find the agent in the phrase, the person or

thing that is performing the action expressed in the verb. Make that agent the subject of the sentence, and

change the verb accordingly. For many instances of the passive voice in your essay, you can follow these

steps:

1. Do a global search for the words “was” and then “were.” These words

often indicate the passive voice.

2. Cross out the “was” or the “were.”

3. Add -ed to the verb that follows “was” or “were.”

4. If that changed verb does not make grammatical sense, it is an irregular

verb, so change it to the simple past tense.

5. Rewrite the sentence around the new active-voice verb.

EXERCISE: MAKING SENTENCES MORE ACTIVE

Change these sentences from passive voice to active voice, or note if no change should be made.

1. I was taught by my brother the principles of barbecuing.

_______________________________________________________________

2. My father was given the title by the former head chief.

_______________________________________________________________

3. The house was wrecked by the party and the cat was let loose by

the guests.

_______________________________________________________________

4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and the car has been stolen by

Justin.

_______________________________________________________________

5. Unfortunately, my plan was ruined by Gerald, the building

superintendent.

_______________________________________________________________

6. The roof was leaking. It had been leaking all week.

_______________________________________________________________

7. The ball was thrown by Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes.

_______________________________________________________________

8. Francesca was placed on the first flight to Boston. Her father put

her there.

_______________________________________________________________

9. “To be or not to be?” That is the question.

_______________________________________________________________

10. A feast had been created from nothing. I was astounded.

_______________________________________________________________

Answers:

1. My brother taught me the principles of barbecuing.

2. The former head chief gave the title to my father.

3. The party wrecked the house and the guests let the cat loose.

4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and Justin has stolen the car.

5. Unfortunately, Gerald, the building superintendent, ruined my plan.

6. No change.

7. Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes, threw the ball.

8. Francesca’s father placed her on the first flight to Boston.

9. No change.

10. A feast had been created from nothing. This astounded me.

EXERCISE: PASSIVE-FREE WRITING

Write a 100-word essay on anything at all (preferably relating to your essay topic) without using any form of

the verb “to be.”

4. Transition

Applicants often ignore transitions to their own detriment. A good essay must use transitions within

paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve the logical flow of the essay. An essay without

good transitions is like a series of isolated islands; the reader will struggle to get from one point to the next.

Use transitions as bridges between your ideas. As you move from one paragraph to the next, you should

not have to explain your story in addition to telling it. If the transitions between paragraphs require

explanation, your essay is either too large in scope or the flow is not logical. A good transition statement will

straddle the line between the two paragraphs.

You should not have to think too much about how to construct transition sentences. If the concepts in your

outline follow and build on one another naturally, transitions will write themselves. To make sure that you

are not forcing your transitions, try to refrain from using words such as, “however,” “nevertheless,” and

“furthermore.” If you are having trouble transitioning between paragraphs or are trying to force a transition

onto a paragraph that has already been written, then this may indicate a problem with your overall structure.

If you suspect this to be the case, go back to your original outline and make sure that you have assigned

only one point to each paragraph, and that each point naturally follows the preceding one and leads to a

logical conclusion. The transition into the final paragraph is especially critical. If it is not clear how you

arrived at this final idea, you have either shoe-horned a conclusion into the outline, or your outline lacks

focus.

If you are confident in your structure, but find yourself stuck on what might make a good transition, try

repeating key words from the previous paragraph and progressing the idea. If that doesn’t work, try this list

of common transitions as your last resort:

If you are adding additional facts or information:

as well, and, additionally, furthermore, also, too, in addition, another, besides, moreover

If you are trying to indicate the order of a sequence of events:

first of all, meanwhile, followed by, then, next, before, after, last, finally, one month later,

one year later, etc.

If you are trying to list things in order of importance:

first, second etc., next, last, finally, more importantly, more significantly, above all, primarily

If you are trying to connect one idea to a fact or illustration:

for example, for instance, to illustrate, this can be seen

To indicate an effect or result:

as a result, thus, consequently, eventually, therefore,

To indicate that one idea is the opposite of another:

nonetheless, however, yet, but, though, on the other hand, although, even though, in

contrast, unlike, differing from, on the contrary, instead, whereas, nevertheless, despite,

regardless of

When comparing one thing to another:

In a different sense, similarly, likewise, similar to, like, just as, conversely.

EXERCISE #7: TRANSITIONS

Connect the following sentences using an effective transition, when needed. (In some cases, the two

sentences will be able to stand without a transition.)

1. Ordinarily, I took my responsibility seriously and would write down

classmates' names to preserve the silence and decorum of the

school environment.  

When a different teacher walked in, a teacher known to punish too

hard and painfully, I decided to save my friends from his hard

strokes, and I erased all the names.

 

2. Despite the windy conditions and below freezing temperatures, I

could not tear myself away from the awe-inspiring beauty of the

cosmos.

Despite the frustration and difficulties inherent in scientific study, I

cannot retreat from my goal of universal understanding.

 

3. But the sadness with which she responded, stating, "He died when

he was a baby,” convinced me that it was true.

It affected me as nothing ever would again.

 

4. Finishing the test in an unspectacular six minutes and five

seconds, I stumbled off the erg more exhausted than I had ever

been. That night, I went home and caught a cold.

Had I followed my survivalist and rationalist instincts, I would have

quit rowing then and there;

 

5. Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to

understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.

The hike taught me several valuable lessons that will allow me to

increase my understanding through scientific research.

 

6. After my grandfather’s death, I began to understand and follow his

sage advice.

I pulled out a picture of my grandfather and me at Disneyland.

 

7. Often, she had to work from dusk to dawn living a double life as a

student and a financially responsible adult.

My mother managed to keep a positive disposition.

 

8. In addition to working and studying, she found time to make weekly

visits to terminally ill and abandoned children in the local hospital.

My mother developed the value of selflessness.

 

9. My mother made me learn Indonesian, the official language of our

country.

Also, she wanted me to develop interests in various academic and

extracurricular fields.

Answers:

1) However; 2) Similarly; 3) The shock of this revelation at such a tender age; 4) That was three seasons

ago. 5) In addition; 6) To cope with his passing; 7) Despite the burdens she faced; 8) From her experiences

during college; 9) My mother did not only want me to have a broad knowledge of languages.

4. Clichés

According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, a cliché is “a trite phrase or expression,” “a

hackneyed theme, characterization, or situation,” or “something that has become overly familiar or

commonplace.” The last thing you want in your essay is any of the above. Clichés make your writing appear

lazy, your ideas ordinary, and your experiences typical. Arm yourself with the list below and eradicate these

and other clichés from your writing.

1. I always learn from my mistakes

2. I know my dreams will come true

3. I can make a difference

4. _________ is my passion

5. I no longer take my loved ones for granted

6. These lessons are useful both on and off the field (or other sporting

arena)

7. I realized the value of hard work and perseverance

8. _________ was the greatest lesson of all

9. I know what it is to triumph over adversity

10. _________ opened my eyes to a whole new world

Lesson Five: Introductions and Conclusions

Surprised to see introductions as the topic of our second-to-last lesson? Most writers find that it is nearly

impossible to write a good essay by beginning with the introduction. The best leads often develop during

and after writers have written the remainder of the essay.

Maybe a fantastic introduction or conclusion is caught floating around in the middle of your rough draft.

Maybe you find that your essay does not even need an introduction or conclusion (see sidebar). More likely,

however, it is in these later stages that you have a good sense of the way your essay is shaping up, all the

way to the nitty-gritty details. Since beginnings and endings can be the most challenging and important part

of any piece of writing, you will want to take advantage of a completed rough draft.

Part of the reason why introductions and conclusions are so difficult is that writers tend to worry about them

too much. Writing teachers give so much attention to the need for a thorough introduction and a sharply

drawn conclusion that anxious essayists compensate by going overboard. They feel that in order to appear

mature and worldly, their essays must contain profound insights and sweeping observations. 

While your introduction and conclusion need not provide the answers to every worldly problem, they do

need to be engaging. Admissions officers may spend just a few minutes reading your essay. Your

introduction must grab their interest from the beginning and your conclusion must make a lasting

impression.

1. Introductions

The emphasis on leading sentences in the previous essays should have demonstrated the importance of

introducing the theme of each paragraph and reinforcing the structure of the essay. The most important

leading sentence of all, of course, is the first sentence of your essay. The words and images you use must

do more than simply announce the theme or topic of your essay-they must engage the reader. You do not

want an admissions officer to start reading your essay and think, "Here we go again." If, after the first

sentence, the admissions counselor does not like what she sees, she may not continue reading.

You do not have to begin by writing the lead. Often, you will spot the lead floating around in the middle of

your first draft. You can use many different kinds of effective leads. You will find examples of some of them

listed below. Remember, too, that if you have segmented your essay into distinct parts with different titles,

you need to treat every segment as a separate essay and find an effective lead for each.

Standard Lead

Standard leads are the most common leads used. A typical standard lead answers one or more of the six

basic questions: who, what, when, where, why and how. They give the reader an idea of what to expect. A

summary lead is a kind of standard lead that answers most of these questions in one sentence. The

problem with this kind of lead is that, although it is a logical beginning, it can be dull. The advantage is that it

sets your reader up for a focused and well-structured essay. If your essay lives up to that expectation, the

impact of your points is heightened. They are also useful for shorter essays when you need to get to the

point quickly. The following is an example of a standard lead.

My background as an engineer and a Hispanic affords me a unique point of reference from

which a constructive engagement in the intellectual, political, and social spheres at [school]

will be enhanced. (click here for essay) 

Action Lead

This lead takes the reader into the middle of a piece of action. It is perfect for short essays where space

needs to be conserved or for narrative essays that begin with a story.

When I began volunteering at the American Civil Liberties Union of Michigan, I was a

doctoral candidate in English literature, a budding scholar of the early novel. (click here for

essay)

At the age of eighteen, I never expected to receive so much attention. (click here for essay)

Personal or Revealing Lead

This lead reveals something about the writer. It is always written in the first person and usually takes an

informal, conversational tone:

I am an activist with a commitment to fighting for progressive causes through legislation,

policy, and grassroots organizing. (click here for essay)

Creative Lead  

These leads, when executed well, are more interesting by being obtuse or funny. They can leave you

wondering what the essay will be about, or make you smile:

June 1987. (click here for essay)

Quotation Lead

This type of lead can be a direct quotation or a paraphrase. It is most effective when the quote you choose

is unusual, funny, or obscure, and not too long. Choose a quote with a meaning you plan to reveal to the

reader as the essay progresses. Some admissions officers caution against using this kind of lead because it

can seem that you are trying to impress them. Do not use a proverb or cliché without good reason, and do

not interpret the quote in your essay. The admissions committee is more interested in how you respond to it

and what that response says about you:

How many a man has dated a new era in his life from the reading of a book. -Thoreau (click

here for essay)

Dialogue Lead

This lead takes the reader into a conversation. It can take the form of an actual dialogue between two

people or can simply be a snippet of personal thought:

"That's not fair." (click here for essay)

Fact Lead

This lead gives the reader a fact or a statistic that is connected to the topic of the essay or simply provides a

piece of information about the writer or a situation:

In December of 1988, Texas state District Court Judge Jack Hampton sentenced a man

convicted of double homicide to a term of thirty years. (click here for essay)

2. Conclusions

The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications.

Endings are the last experience an admissions officer has with your essay, so you need to make those

words and thoughts count. You should not feel obligated to tie everything up into a neat bow. The essay

can conclude with some ambiguity, if appropriate, as long as it offers insights. The aim is for the admissions

officer to leave your essay thinking, “That was a satisfying read.” Here are some Do’s and Don’ts as you

develop your conclusion.

DOs

Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion. This could include

the following strategies:

o Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense

of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.

o Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.

o End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not TRY to

do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.

o Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has

widespread appeal.

Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. A nice conclusion makes use of

the creativity you used in your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro,

use the conclusion to finish telling that story.

Try to end on a positive note. You may want to restate your goals in terms of how

they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

DON'Ts

Summarize. Since the essay is rather short to begin with, the reader should not

need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words beforehand. You do not need to

wrap up your essay in a nice little package. It should be an ending, not a summary.

Use stock phrases. Phrases such as, “in conclusion,” “in summary,” “to conclude,”

belong only in dry, scientific writing. Don’t use them.

Try to Explain the Unexplainable. Your essay need not be so tidy that you can

answer why people die or why starvation exists -- you are not writing a sitcom -- but

it should forge some attempt at closure.

Before you move on to Lesson Six: Editing and Revising, you should take a break. Let your draft sit for a

day or two. You need to distance yourself from the piece so you can gain objectivity. If there is anything

more difficult than trying to edit your own work, it is trying to edit your own work right after you have written

it. Once you have let your work sit for a while, you will be better able to tackle the final steps of editing and

revising.

Lesson Six: Editing and Revising

Writing is not a one-time act. Writing is a process. Memorable writing comes more from rewriting than it

does from the first draft. By rewriting you will improve your essay -- guaranteed. If you skimp on the

rewriting process, you significantly reduce the chances that your essay will be as good as it could be.

Once you have taken a break from your essay, come back and read it through one time with a fresh

perspective. Analyze it as objectively as possible based on the following three components: substance,

structure, and interest. Do not worry yet about surface errors and spelling mistakes; focus instead on the

larger issues. Consider reordering your supporting details, delete irrelevant sections, and make clear the

broader implications of your experiences. Allow your more important arguments to come to the foreground.

Take points that might only be implicit and make them explicit.

EssayEdge can significantly help you with the editing and revising process. Having edited tens of thousands

of admissions essays, our Harvard-educated editors can take a poor, boring essay and make it a powerful

personal essay. We will carefully edit the essay to improve the impact of the introduction and conclusion,

the logic and transition, the content, and the grammar. For more on our services, please visit our editing

section.

In order to figure out where revisions are necessary, you are going to need as many different sets of eyes to

read your essay as possible. Whether it is you or one of your friends, our professional Harvard editors,

family members or teachers, these questions will help guide your revision process.

1. Editing Checklist

SUBSTANCE

Substance refers to the content of the essay and the message you send out. Here are some questions to

ask yourself regarding content:

         Have I answered the question asked?

         Do I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and

personal examples?

         Have I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into

specifics.)

         Could anyone else have written this essay?

         What does it say about me? After making a list of all the words you have used

within the essay -- directly and indirectly -- to describe yourself, ask: Does this list

accurately represent me?

         Does the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than uptight or

stiff?

         Regarding the introduction, is it personal? Is it too general? Can the essay get

along without it?

         What about the essay makes it memorable?

 

STRUCTURE

 

The meaning of an essay can be obscured by not properly ordering your ideas. Your essay should be a

roadmap leading the reader to an inevitable conclusion.

         To check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write

down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after

another and ask the following:

o        Would someone who was reading only these sentences still understand

exactly what I am trying to say?

o        Do the first sentences express all of my main points?

o        Do the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out

of left field?

         Now go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions:

o        Does each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first

sentence?

o        Does a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence

support the point?

         Is each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and squinting at the

essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer

than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.)

         Does my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs?

         Have I varied the length and structure of my sentences?

 

INTEREST

 

Many people think only of mechanics when they revise and rewrite their compositions. As we know, though,

the interest factor is crucial in keeping the admissions officers reading and remembering your essay. Look

at your essay with the interest equation in mind: personal + specific = interesting. Answer the following:

         Is the opening paragraph personal?

         Do I start with action or an image?

         Does the essay show rather than tell?

         Did I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of

them.)

         Have I used the active voice whenever possible?

         Have I overused adjectives and adverbs?

         Have I eliminated clichés?

         Have I deleted redundancies?

         Does the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to

others.)

         Will the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence

sound like the last sentence?

PROOFREADING

 

When you are satisfied with the structure and content of your essay, it is time to check for grammar,

spelling, typos, and the like. You can fix obvious things right away: a misspelled or misused word, a

seemingly endless sentence, or improper punctuation. Keep rewriting until your words say what you want

them to say. Ask yourself these questions:

         Did I punctuate correctly?

         Did I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)?

         Did I use capitalization clearly and consistently?

         Do the subjects agree in number with the verbs?

         Did I place the periods and commas inside the quotation marks?

         Did I keep contractions to a minimum? Do apostrophes appear in the right places?

         Did I replace the name of the proper school for each new application?

         Have I caught every single typo? (You can use your spell-checker but make sure

that you check and re-check every change it makes. It is a computer after all.)

2. Final Steps

Read Your Essay Out Loud: To help you polish the essay even further, read it out loud. You will be

amazed at the faulty grammar and awkward language that your ears can detect. This will also give you a

good sense of the flow of the piece and will alert you to anything that sounds too abrupt or out of place.

Good writing, like good music, has a certain rhythm. How does your essay sound? Is it interesting and

varied or drawn out and monotonous?

Have Your Essay Professionally Edited: After spending hundreds of dollars on test prep courses

and guidebooks, you must be extremely confident if you decide not to seek a professional's advice on the

most controllable aspect of the entire application.

Named "the world's premier application essay editing service" by The New York Times, EssayEdge has

helped more applicants write successful application essays than any other company in the world. Please

click here to have your essay professionally edited.

 

Congratulations! You have completed the course. 

We wish you the best of luck throughout the application process.