5: Disclaimer6: The Why14: The Setter21: The Goods: Leonard Accepts WAVY Job22: Leonard to get Hitched23: Bresnan to Release Greatest Hits CD24: The Trip of the Decade30: Leonard Arrives in Atlanta, Places fourth in Hot Dog Contest32: Leonard has it out with Shock Jock34: Mike Enters New Phase of Immortality35: Serious Leonard News, Chemo Update36: Cancer Killing Update37: Mike Beats Piss Out of Cancer, Slappy Back in Hero Business38: Biopsy Results and Latest Wacky Plans39: MacArthur Center to Host Hot Dog Contest40: Leonard Places Third in Hot Dog Contest41: “Of Navy Seals and Rubber Hoses,” by Wesley Cline42: Leonard to Compete in Burger Contest43: Old Foe Resurfaces to Thawrt Leonardburger Plans44: Top Dog Places Second in 6-Pound Contest48: Mike Considers Career as Pro Wrestler49: Leonard Leaks Tantilizing New Details50: Road Rage Pushes Leonard to the Edge51: Leonard Hurts Foot, Nicole Endorses Possible Retirement54: Meeting of Minds at MacArthur57: Leonard Announces his ‘Final Contest’58: Competitive Eating Headed Back to Hampton Roads60: Slappy Gives Half-Hearted Effort in Finale61: Bond is Dead Declares the Leonard62: Leonard Buys House — Baked Bean Contest?63: All New Leonard to Join Family64: Slappy Wins Gold in Tae Kwan Do Tourney66: Mike Confirms Existance of “Anti-Leonard”67: Leonard Denies Comeback Rumors68: Mike Nearly Wins Lottery, Leonards Welcome Child69: “Slappy and Me,” by Russ Maracle70: Leonard Nearly Thrashes Idiot71: Emergency Room Visits Rule at Birthday Party72: Responding to Miss South Carolina USA , Stealing Thy Identity74: Mike Leaves WAVY Again; Gets Job at York County Again76: Last Words80: Honorable Mentions

Table of Contents

Mike tore through another bunless dog, and some Leonard fan in the audience started to chant “Top Dog” over and over. It has been said in Leonard fan circles that he did not actually appreciate the encouragement at the time, but during the heat of the battle, that cry of “Top Dog” was akin to the theme from Rocky. Mike accelerated his eating level to an even quicker chomp. “Ladies and gentlemen, the hot dog eating contest is now one minute, and 32 seconds in,” called Shea. Mike reached for another bun in order to dunk it in his water. “Dale Boone has ten dogs down — but he’s got a lotta bun,” said the judge. “The bread factoris posing a major problem. He’s getting to his bread vey late — it’s very disturbing to see him struggle.” The Leonard picked up another dog and flicked a small artifact from its side. He then shov-eled it in, like a Yankee engineer would shovel coal in a runaway locomotive in South Carolina dur-ing the Civil War. Very quickly. “Is it better to sit or to stand?” asked the judge, who motioned to the still-seated Boone. “The Discovery Channel did the Gutbusters program where gastrointerologists determined that it is better to stand, the food goes down more swiftly,” said Shea. Mike finished his fourth hot dog and bun set. Meanwhile at this point Krazy Kevin had fin-ished off seven dogs — and their buns. The lone female competitor had finished two dogs in three minutes. Don Schaeffer was moving on to his eighth dog. He popped one in and grabbed his large cup of water for some liquid lubrication. Mike did not seem to use the water so much. The man in the audience started chanting “Top Dog! Top Dog!” again. Mike glanced up — but only for a moment. He calmly got back into his hot dog domina-tion. And unlike the others, Mike’s place at the table was clean. He wasn’t spewing bread everywhere. His bites were precise and concentrated. He even kept his mouth shut, which would be the hallmark of a classy competitive eater… if there were such a thing. “Ladies and gentlemen, Dale Boone has completed ten Nathan’s Famous hot dogs!” Shea belted out. “He is now the front runner! We are currently four minutes and 37 seconds into this contest! We are quckly approaching what is known as ‘the wall’ in competitive eating. Everything you love about Nathan’s Famous hot dogs you start to question after about six minutes.” Schaeffer had quietly eaten nine complete hot dogs by this point. His training must have been paying off for him, as he was churning down dog after dog. Competitor Mike Paladae downed his eighth bun, with ten dogs down. Boone had broken through the 13 barrier, but again, he had only eaten a few buns. “It’s hard to get a mark on Boone,” one of the judges commented. At this point, Mike had eated about six complete dogs. Quick, methodical quite frankly, a bit scary. I would be afraid to get near that mouth after such a workout. Sort of like the table saw in shop class during middle school. It could rip your arm off if you weren’t paying attention. The fool to Mike’s left was wasting time “addressing” his hot dogs, which is IFOCE-speak for putting mus-tard and ketchup on them. “Another plate for Boone!” yelled Shea. The smirking zoo workers ran plates full of fresh

17

“I was hoping that the rest of the guys would see that and they would all start puking,” said Leon-ard. The winner will go on from the Atlanta qualifier to the final contest at Co-ney Island, July 4.

MIKE HAS IT OUT WITH SHOCK JOCK(LNN) Portsmouth — Defender of the downtrodden and local folk hero, Mike Leonard, is championing a new and wacky cause. In a turn of recent events, Mike found himself pitted in a e-mail delivered struggle of wits. After crass comments by radio personality Jenna Kehoe, or WPTE, 94.9 ‘The Point,’ Mike delivered a scornful mes-sage to Jenna: Stay out of the truth business. It was a muggy summer day as Mike Leonard crossed the Monitor/Merrimac Bridge Tunnel on his way to his job at WAVY TV-10 in Portsmouth. The sun was glowing, and Mike was well-rested. Everything was just fine until Mr. Leonard tuned into 94.9 to hear DJ Jen-na Kehoe rant about how the CIA secretly killed an innocent dog to blame it on al Qaeda. Kehoe claimed that because the video quality of the footage was so good, there was no way that a bunch of poor terrorists could have been behind it. Kehoe then suggested that the poor pooch’s coat was too shiny to be an Afghani dog. With that, Mr. Leonard’s

“Krazy” Kevin Lipsitz poses with the Leonard after the qualifyer hadcompleted. McCain photo courtesy of

Photo by Wes Cline

9|10|2002

32

LEONARD PLACES THIRD IN HOT DOG CONTESTLNN (Portsmouth) — Mike Leonard, sportsman and statesman, left the

Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog eating competition June 14 with dig-nity and class.

Leonard placed third in the competition, after downing 10 dogs. Mike was tied for

third with another competitor.

“I could have eaten more, but I made the mistake of looking down there at Crazy Legs,” said Leonard. Crazy Legs Conti was a “Sideshow Bob-like” character who flew in from New York to compete. Conti’s style of eating was to simply push as many dogs into his mouth and hope for the best. Instead of eating, Conti covered the table with a fine mist of hot dog buns and other debris. Conti was disqualified. Leonard struggled a bit at the beginning of the contest. He too said that

the hot conditions made the eating a bit tougher

than usual. He also said that his throat was still a little sore from his biopsy a few weeks ago. But after he

got going, he was an eat-ing machine.

Longtime friend Wesley Cline flew in from Atlanta for the compe-tition and yelled “Top Dog” throughout the contest. Leonard’s wife Nicole chanted “Leonard, Leonard” with a few other fans while the eating was most intense. But Mike was satisfied with his numbers at MacArthur, even though he was unable to match his personal record of 12 that he set in Atlanta last year. “I am happy with my performance, because this one will go into the record books,” said Leonard.

6|18|2003

LEFT: Crazy Legs Conti. ABOVE: Mike downing one of his 10 hotdogs. BELOW: Carson Hughes hoists his trophy after winning the contest. Photos by Wes Cline

40

International Federation of Competitive eating member Mike “Top Dog” Leonard is sched-uled to appear and make a bid to leave with the “Leonard Burger” on the menu. Leonard competed in the IFOCE sanctioned hot dog eating qualifier in Norfolk earlier this summer. Leonard placed third with 10 dogs downed. When first approached about the contest, Mike said that he was “very interested” and that he wondered if there was a time limit to eat the burgers. “I can do it if there is no time limit,” said Mike. Speculation is that whomever eats their burger first will be declared the winner, whether it takes 10 minutes or an hour, but this is unconfirmed. If he wins, this would be Mike’s first step in displacing Carson “Collard Green” Hughes as Hampton Roads’ most beloved competitive eater. Hughes won the coveted trip to Coney Island this past summer. Leonard has been simmering with rage ever since. Leonard fans are encouraged to attend and to give their ideas for the soon-to-be-named burger. The Matadore Sports Pub is located near the Daily Press building in Newport News.

OLD FOE RESURFACES TO THWART THE LEONARDLNN (Portsmouth) — As the world of competitive eating focuses its all-see-ing eye on Newport News, a familiar threat has reemerged. Mike “Top Dog” Leonard’s plans to become the first human to eat a six-pound hamburger may be in jeopardy as Carson “Collard Green” Hughes has joined the fray. Hughes announced on his Web site earlier this week that he too would take part in the extravaganza this Sunday at the Matador Sports Pub in Newport News (located near the Daily Press building on Warwick Boulevard). As Leonard fans pon-dered what would come of this challenge, Mike himself seemed not to be bothered by the an-nouncement. “I’m just not worried about him,” said Mike. “All I want to do is put down that whole 6 pound burger without hurting myself too bad.” Leonard had refocused himself on winning the Nor-folk Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating qualifier for next spring ... the same one that Collard Green Hughes won this past June (by downing 16 dogs). Leonard placed third in the event with 10. But now the two competitive eating giants will dual a bit early — with the winner walking away with

9|5|2003

Carson “Collard Green” Hughes and Mike do that shake thing where one guys tries to crush the other one’s hand, much like Stallone did with Drago in Rocky IV. Photo by Chris Taylor

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ROAD RAGE PUSHES THE LEONARD TO THE EDGELNN (Portsmouth) — While on his way to work this morning, Mike Leon-ard experienced something that many Americans have heard about, but have never lived: road rage. While Mike, hero to the great unwashed and ex-competitive eat-ing legend, has had a few bad experiences in traffic (see the Leonard: On The Road infobox below), none had made his skin turn so green as what happened this morning. “I was really pissed off this morning,” said Leonard just after making his way to the plush studios of WAVY-TV 10. “I got run off the road by some asshole in a Mercedes.” As Mike wound his way through the maze of I-64 from Norfolk to his be-loved Portsmouth, he claims that a rouge Mercedes-Benz literally became airborne over his trusty Dodge.

6|28|2004

“I was just driving along, when this damn car comes flying — FLYING — up from behind me,” said Leon-ard. “By the time he started getting over in the other lane, I couldn’t see his grill in my rear view mirror.” Mike, who by all ac-counts is an excellent driver — but quite poor with direc-tions — was irrate. He started letting loose a steady stream of rants and curses. He took evasive action. “I swerved to the right going into the shoulder,” said Leonard. “If I hadn’t, I know the guy would have hit me.” While Mike’s precision driving saved his Dodge and

LEONARD: ON THE ROAD* In early 2004, Mike encountered a used car salesman driving on the wrong side of Mili-tary Highway in Norfolk.

* In 1997, while driving his gray Chevy Sprint, Mike and his passengers were almost killed by an oncoming gas truck, after Leonard hast-ily pulled out of a Taco Bell parking lot onto J. Clyde Morris Blvd. in Newport News.

* There have been countless incidents with Officer Dean McNair when they were in the same vehicle. Mike has demanded that Dean “arrest” the driver ahead ... no matter that Dean was off duty and out of his jurisdiction.

50

COMPETITIVE EATING COMPETITION HEADED BACK TO HAMPTON ROADSLNN (Portsmouth) — Everything has changed since last year’s competition at MacArthur Center. June 14, 2003, saw hundreds of fans pack a mall lobby to watch one of the most spectacular events to hit Hampton Roads in recent memory. The line of com-petitors who took the challenge was long, but at the end, only one remained. His name is Carson “Collard Green” Hughes and after downing 16 dogs, he moved his competition to the next level — New York City. Perhaps the magic of June 14 will never be repeated. It could be said that the tussel between Collard Green and a char-acter known as “Crazy Legs” Conti for the lead could be one of the greatest two-man struggles in competitive eating history. Conti was thought to be the winner for a few moments, until it was discovered that there was bun debris scattered over the table. Conti was disqualified and Collard Green was declared the unanimous winner and sent off to compete at the famous Coney Island matchup on the Fourth of July. “Yeah, that day he was slopping in the buns and reguritating them out again,” said Collard Green of his competition with Conti.

5|13|2004

This installment ran originally in The

Flagship newspaper.

LEFT: Carson “Collard Green” Hughes BELOW: The villanous Dale Boone

“I think that you just have to try to keep it all in your mouth — and even after time expires, if it’s in your mouth then it all counts.” It’s true. The goal of the the contest is to devour as many hot dogs (along with their buns) as possible in in 12 short minutes. This might sound simple, but when you imagine that these professional eaters are capable of super-human feats of eating, and they still struggle with both bun and beef, the event becomes even more awe-inspiring. This year’s competition will take place on June 12 again at MacArthur Center, and may feature some of the country’s most feared competitors. “I am not sure if (“Crazy Legs” Conti) will be here, but I want him to, and I expect him to,” said Collard Green. “He is a true com-petitor and a gentleman.” Collard Green, thanks to his win last year, is now a celebrity on the competitive eating circuit, both with International Federation of Competitive Eating events and the nonsacntcioned contests. “I competed in the Ultimate Eating Competition at Myrtle Beach, S.C., (April 24) and placed fourth,” said Collard Green. “Basically, I tied with last year’s champion. But Dale Boone won that outright.” The name Dale Boone sends tremors down the spine of those who have competed against

58

and came in second in forms.” Forms are, the Leonard explains, performed kicks and punches in a set sequence by your-self and you are judged on technique. “I figured I was going to lose in sparring,” said Mike. “I really wasn’t prepared. I need to work (on my) cardio.” Mike used his lightning-quick reflexes to battle his way to the top — those same skills that helped him devour hot dogs so quickly. But this time, he wasn’t held back by a slow esophagus. “The first guy I fought came in third,” said Mike, recalling his New England Patriots-like domination. “He was younger and was 40 pounds lighter than me. When the match started, I was thinking too much. He caught me on my heels and scored early.” “I thought to my-self ‘I’m not letting this guy run me off the mat’. I came back, changed up my attacks, started com-ing at him from different angles. With only a few seconds left, I tied the match. The tiebreaker was sudden death, who ever landed a kick first won. I came out hard and scored in the first few seconds.” Leonard’s second match up was against a giant of a man. This guy would intimidate most, but not the Leonard. “He had a huge reach advantage,” said Mike. “He must have been 6’ 4”. Usually I have the size advantage, so I had to use speed ... get in, score, and get out. I got the lead and held onto it.” After his triumph, Mike stood on a tri-level podium, himself at the top.

TOP: Mike bashing some cinderblock — because he could. ABOVE: Mike with the other students.

Photos courtesy of Mike Leonard

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Akin, Mike: 21, 79

Arthur, Bea: 75

Beiber, Justin: 52

Bailey, John: 79

Bolt, Usain: 16

Boone, Dale: 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 31, 58, 59

Bresnan, Sean: 3, 23, 24, 26, 28, 29, 36

Brown, Gordon “Gordy”: 24, 27

Bulot, Boyd: 45, 46, 47, 57, 67

Cadua, Erick: 24, 25, 26

Churchill, Winston: 55

Cline, Katherine (Columbo): 14, 18, 30

Cline, Wesley: 3, 14, 16, 18, 19, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 30, 31, 32, 38, 40, 41, 42, 52, 56, 57, 75

Conti, “Crazy Legs”: 40, 58, 61

Connery, Sean: 61

Daniels, Jack: 51

Dunton, Ben: 24, 26, 28

Easley, Ken: 35

George, Boy: 9

Giant, Andre the: 49

Golberg, Bill: 48

Goldberg, Whoppi: 75

Grant, Hugh: 63

Great, Alexander the: 8

Jolie, Angelina: 47

Hamilton, Jason: 24

Hamilton, Michelle (Stokes): 63

Heston, Charlton: 22

Hilaril, Tony: 45, 47

Hilton, Paris: 66

Homer: 13

Hughes, Carson “Collard Green”: 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 67, 78

Jackman, Hugh: 61

Jacskon, Michael: 9

James, LeBron: 19

John, Elton: 23

Kehoe, Jenna: 32, 33

Kennedy, Ted: 10

Kerry, John: 63

Keuhl, David: 24

Kobayashi, Takeru: 39, 59, 78

Larkin, Barry: 49

Leno, Jay: 70

Leonard, Dylan: 12, 33, 63, 64, 68, 72, 73, 74, 79

Honorable Mentions

Leonard, Nicole (Fairbanks): 11, 12, 14, 19, 22, 24, 26, 27, 34, 35, 37, 40, 46, 47, 51, 52, 55, 62, 63, 64, 68, 71, 73, 74, 75, 79

Leonard, Tommy: 9

Lesnar, Brock: 48

Lipsitz, Kevin “Krazy”: 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 32

Madonna: 9, 48

Man, Big Boss: 54

MacGahan, Liz: 60, 61

Maracle, Russ: 3, 44, 49, 69, 70, 78

Mastrullo, Mike: 21, 37

McCain, John: 13

McNair, Dean “Officer”: 24, 27, 41, 44, 48, 49, 50, 55, 60

Moore, Roger: 61

Morita, Pat: 66

Nimoy, Leonard: 15

Norris, Chuck: 10

Nostradamus: 56

O’Keefe, Georgia: 74

O’Neil, Shaquille: 36

Paladae, Mike: 18, 19, 30

Perry, Chris: 41, 49, 54, 55, 61, 77

Pesola, Alec: 76

Pesola, Melanie (Stokes): 14, 18, 24, 48

Pesola, William: 44

Priestley, Jason: 33

Schaeffer, Don: 15, 17, 18, 19

Schwartz, “Big” Gene: 46

Schwarzenegger, Arnold: 14, 54

Shea, George: 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 31, 39, 41, 59

Shatner, William: 5, 56

Smith, Roger: 24, 28

Stallone, Sylvester: 43

Stone, Jeff: 51

Stone, Katie (Pesola): 33

Spider-Man: 54

Superman: 12, 79

Taylor, Christopher “Flash”: 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 38, 43, 45, 46, 47, 53, 64, 66, 75, 78, 79

Theisman, Joe: 36, 63

Thomas, Sonya: 59

Thor: 56, 71

Upton, Caitlin: 74

Van Deusen, Kris: 64

White, Jon: 24, 25, 46

White, Lisa (Dimino): 24

Woods, Tiger: 13

Youkilis, Kevin: 36, 49

Zeus: 56