LEGEND OF UNCLE TIO

8/8/2019 LEGEND OF UNCLE TIO

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My Uncle Tio was a moron. Although that may seemlike a harsh thing to say about another humanbeing, let alone one related by blood, it was the mostaccurate term we could use to describe him and still

consider ourselves Christian. That he hobnobbedwith the rich and famous, befriended Hollywoodicons and influenced popular culture was irrelevant.The fact remained - Tio was an imbecile, a gobshite,a dope. Among the inhabitants of lower Manhattan,he was considered a very big idiot living in a very bigvillage.

But he was handsome. Devastatingly so. In fact, no

less an authority than Rudolph Valentino called Tiothe most handsome man he had ever seen.

He also possessed a childlike curiosity that morethan compensated for his lack of knowledge. Whatwas perceived as ignorance by the ignorant was seenas intelligence by the intelligencia.

Tios road was carved out for him by yardsticks, the

kind favored by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Halifax.The wood served two purposes - to measure thedistance between objects, and to close the distancebetween education and understanding. In Tios case,the space between the written and spoken wordbecame an everwidening chasm. Although todayour emotional and educational shortcomings areexplained away as disorders and treated as diseases,such was not the case in Tios day. Despite hisnatural curiosity and eagerness to learn, the factthat what his classmates saw as pool and he saw asloop was more than a little disconcerting to him.Even the nuns, who at first were amused at his


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confusion, quickly became annoyed at his refusal tosee things the way everyone else did.

Although stupidity could be cured with a stick,

blasphemy could not. The world came to a grindinghalt for Tio the day the first grade class of TheImmaculate Heart of Mary School was firstintroduced to the Almighty. As the class proceededto spell the name of mans Creator at their desks,Tio proceeded to spell the name of mans best friendat the blackboard. All hell, as well as severalyardsticks, broke loose. Priests were summoned,incense burned, archangels invoked, all to no avail

Tio would not recant. By equating the Creator withthe creature, no less a four legged one, this six yearold had committed heresy.

Forced to learn among the pagans at P.S. 193, Tiosprospects of education, not to mention salvation,grew dim. His inability to read even the mostrudimentary texts and his refusal to worship a deitywith hind legs made him an outcast, a pariah, evenamongst his own clan. Once the golden boy, Tio wasnow as unwelcome as a fly at an ointment factory.

He found his redemption in the ring. His movie stargood looks, combined with a punch that rivaled thatof his godfather, the great Jack Dempsey, made hima local legend. Stories of his sparring sessions withsome of the great fighters of the day Max Baer,Max Scheming, and even the great Joe Louis,became the stuff of folklore. According to oneaccount, a 16 year old Tio knocked the BrownBomber out cold in sparring one week before thefirst Scheming fight, shattering Joes confidence,not to mention two of his back molars. A perfect 40-


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0 record, with 39 knockouts, gave Tio the one thinghe so desperately craved respect.

It also gave him something else he craved - affection,

particularly from the opposite sex. Tios prowess inthe ring was rivaled only by his prowess in theboudoir. Women from all over, not just France,clamored for a shot at the title Mrs. Tio Snow.Three decades before the sexual revolution, andfour before Mickeys admonition to Rocky Balboathat women weaken legs, Tio had trouble balancinga schedule as both a lover and a fighter. While onecareer flourished, the other suffered. Tio soon

discovered, much to his dismay, that he could notplease all of the people all of the time, at least not ona daily basis, and still pursue a career in the ring.Forced to choose between his two great loves, Tiodid the only honorable thing he could and choseneither.

Impressed by his Solomon like wisdom, Maggie,moved by compassion and a desire to push the finalbird out of its nest, suggested that he move west tobe closer to his godfather (and now surrogate fatherafter his own had died) Jack Dempsey. The ManassaMauler, by now long past his prime and retired fromthe ring, took Tio under his wing and introducedhim to some of the Hollywood elite. Before long Tiowas hobnobbing with the rich and famous CharlieChaplin, Douglas Fairbanks, Errol Flynn and David

O. Selznick. Because of his striking looks, Selznickwas convinced that Tio had a future in film.

Only one thing stood between Tio and stardom intelligence. Like a blind man in a bowling alley, Tiostruggled to stay out of the gutter. His lack of


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confidence caused him to mumble his words,leading to take after take until finally, after take 106of a two take shot, Tio had decided he was nothespian and headed back to New York.

It was about this same time that Tio befriended ayoung acting student who had just moved from theMidwest Marlon Brando. Brando was fascinatedby his new friend. He mimicked his everymannerism, grunt and scratch to a tee. Bolstered byhis training as a Method actor, Brando became Tio.The results were amazing. Word soon spread of thisyoung genius and how he was about to revolutionize

the theatre forever. After the opening nightperformance of A Streetcar Named Desire, it wasclear that a star had been born.

Brando and Tio were like long lost brothers, wherethere was one, there was the other. Tio was nolonger fraternizing with pugs, he was hobnobbingwith pundits. Frustrated by his inability tounderstand what they were talking about, Tiodecided it was time he put his brain throughtraining. Brando encouraged his friend, andsuggested he take up the practice of learning a newword every day. According to Brando, it would onlybe a few years until he could carry on intelligentconversations with the likes of Arthur Miller orTennessee Williams. Tio wasted no time. On the setof Brandos new film, The Wild One, Tio found a

quiet spot where he could get to work.

He opened a dictionary, flipped through the pagesand, with eyes closed, jammed his index finger onthe first new word of the day. Rebel: verb. Rise inopposition or armed resistance to an established


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government or leader. With eyes closed, Tiorepeated the word and its meaning over and overuntil he couldnt forget it.

The movies director, Laslo Benedek, was walkingacross the movie set when he noticed the strangeritual. Hey Tio, what are you doing? Eager to putthe fruits of his labor into practice, Tio wasted notime. Rebelling. Curious at the response, Benedekpressed Tio further. What are you rebellingagainst? Tio was stumped. Whaddya got? askedTio. Benedek grabbed a clipboard and beganwriting.

Brando idolized Tio, he became the older brotherBrando never had. Still, Tio had problems adjustingto life as a sidekick. He decided the time had come tomove on. One afternoon, while taking a cab to theset of On The Waterfront, Tio leveled with Brando.Rather than living in his shadow, Tio explained, hewould pursue his own calling. Brando pleaded withTio to reconsider, reminding him of the good olddays, of their barroom brawls and romanticconquests. If only Tio had been more disciplinedand saved his testosterone for the ring, it would behim, and not Brando, who would be the star. ForTio, this road not travelled was too much to bear.You dont understand, I coulda had class, I couldabeen somebody, I coulda been a contender, insteadof a bum, which is what I am, lets face it, Marlon.

With those words, the two parted. Tio set out insearch of Dog.

He remembered a story that Charlie Chaplin oncetold him about a place called India where the cowwas considered sacred. Although it was not exactly


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the deity he was looking for, at least it was a step inthe right direction. Tio was offered a ride by hisgood friend and sometime sparring partner HowardHughes. Hughes was a skilled pilot, and looked for

any excuse to travel abroad, especially if it meantbeing Tios wingman. It was on this trip that Tio wasintroduced to an Indian ascetic, Maharishi MaheshYogi. Tio was fascinated by the Yogis stories ofreincarnation and karma. He would spend hours ata time trying to comprehend lifes great mysteriesuntil one day he suffered what can best be describedas a charley horse in his head. Not able to apply ice

to the affected area, Tio decided to give hisunderdeveloped cerebellum some time torecuperate. One afternoon, the Maharishi happenedupon Tio sitting cross legged in the garden with ablank stare on his face. What are you thinkingabout, Tio? asked the Yogi. Nothing, replied Tio.With one word, the Maharishi became enlightened,and Transcendental Meditation was born.

Years later, while visiting second cousin JohnLennon in Liverpool, Tio recounted his adventuresin India to several of Johns friends. One inparticular, George Harrison, was mesmerized byTios spiritual journey to the East, and vowed that iftheir new band, called the Beatles, ever made anymoney, he too would go to India and meet the Yogi.

Rich in spiritual treasures but poor in earthly ones,

Tio decided it was time to go back to America andstart making a living. Still regarded as a paganoddball by most of his family, Tio decided he wouldmove to Los Angeles, a place where even he wasseen as a conformist. Not long after his arrival, Tioreceived a call from another cousin, Bobby


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Kennedy. Bobby, Jack and Tio had been inseparableas teenagers. Stories of their late night carousingfrom New York to Boston had become the stuff oflegend. It was hardly a surprise when Bobby asked

Tio to keep an eye on a friend of his now that he wasliving in LA. Her name was Marilyn. Oblivious topopular culture at the time, Tio accepted andarranged to meet the actress at her Hollywoodbungalow.

What happened next was predictable. Marilyn,derided by many as a vapid, bubble-headedbirdbrain, had finally met her match. Never before

had she been in a relationship where she was theintellectual heavyweight. Tio was a breath of freshair no more lecturing on the finer points ofplaywriting by Arthur Miller or the quantum physicsof hitting a curveball by Joe DiMaggio. Tio was aman of action, and act he did, so much so that thepolice were called to the house on more than a fewoccasions, responding to complaints from the

neighbors of the loud acting sessions taking placeat all hours of the night.

But something had changed for Tio. Although by nomeans a prude, ever since his pilgrimage to India hediscovered a part of himself that he was unaware ofbefore. Tio had developed a conscience. Tornbetween his feelings for Marilyn and loyalty to hiscousins, Tio decided to end the affair and pursue a

higher level of consciousness. This news did not sitwell with Marilyn. Despondent over the prospect ofhaving to hear over and over complaints aboutJackie this and Castro that, Marilyn Monroe, screenlegend and spurned lover, took a handful of pillsand went to sleep forever.


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Tio was devastated; his only consolation was that heand Marilyn might meet again in another life. In themeantime, he had to put food on the table. Since hewas really only good at two things, one of which had

just ended in suicide, he rededicated himself to hisfirst true love fighting. Already past his prime, Tiodecided to support himself by training the generalpublic. He opened a small studio in Hollywood andnamed it after his familys legendary gym in NYC,the Trinity Boxing Club.

Tio had found his calling. Part trainer, partphilosopher and part shaman, Tio set Tinsel town

on its ear. Trinity became a whos who of theHollywood elite. On any given morning, FrankSinatra, John Wayne, Steve McQueen and BurtLancaster could be seen doing roadwork with Tio inthe Hollywood Hills while stars like Elvis Presley(Kid Galvan), Paul Newman (Somebody Up ThereLikes Me), and Kirk Douglas (Champion) would bemixing it up in the ring later in the day. Even his old

friend Marlon Brando would stop by and hit thebags and get in a few rounds of sparring. Were Tiostill around, Brando told an interviewer in 1984,he never would have let me get as fat as I amtoday.

Tio achieved mythical status. His influence extendedwell beyond the entertainment business he hadbecome a powerbroker. Politicians and business

moguls would come to see him, cannolies in hand,to pay their respects. Ronald Reagan, whom he hadmet on the set of The Knute Rockne Story, soughtTios blessing before he ran for Governor OfCalifornia. Uncle Tio was now Godfather.


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Never was his influence more evident than when hisold friend Brando was vying for a role, hoping toresurrect a career that had sunk alongside the USSBounty. Desperate for work, Brando sought Tios

help in locking down the part of Don Corleone, eventhough it had been promised to Ernest Borgnine.Tio, who would be training the movies producer AlRuddy that very afternoon, put Brandos fears torest. Dont worry, Bud Tio reassured him, Imgonna make him an offer he cant refuse.

Despite all the adulation and success, Tio wasrestless. There was one thing that still eluded him,

that kept him awake at night that he could havebeen a contender. Although he was now close to 50years old, Tio believed he still had one more fight inhim. Friends and family pleaded with him, citing hisage and an enlarged prostate as only two of thereasons he should reconsider. Tio would hear noneof it he began training for his comeback.

On April 1, 1970, Uncle Tio entered the ring for thelast time. What has generally been dismissed asurban legend, has, for my family anyway, cementedhis legacy. Tio was hungry for a challenge, and hefound one in a twenty-one year old Olympic goldmedalist named George Foreman. Foreman, one ofthe most feared figures in boxing history, hadalready gotten his professional career off to a 12-0start, 11 coming by way of knockout. The prospect of

a 50-year-old man fighting a young lion likeForeman was insane. Still, Tio had something toprove.

No longer the brash, swashbuckling fighter of hisyouth, Tio had developed something in his travels


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that he never had in a gym an intellect. As he stoodacross the ring from the biggest man he had everseen, Tio remembered the example of his formermentors, Mohandas Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther

King, Jr. Employing a strategy known as passiveresistance, these two cultural icons were able toovercome more formidable opponents throughpracticed noncompliance. Tio decided that whatsgood for Gandhi was good for the gander, and putthe plan into action from the opening bell.

No one can say with any certainty how long the fightactually lasted. According to Muhammad Ali, who

was sitting ringside, the bout was stoppedsomewhere around the third round. Others had itgoing to the seventh round before it was actuallyhalted. No one can say with any authority becauseall records and remnants of the fight have beenpurged and the winner never declared.

The most credible account came from none otherthan Bruce Lee, whose influence on Tio was nevermore evident than on that crisp, April evening whena washed-up, fifty year old warrior knocked out thefuture heavyweight champion of the world withoutthrowing a single punch.

What many feared would become a bloodbath wasnothing of the sort. While one man threw puncheswith a ferociousness not seen since Joe Louis oneround dismantling of Max Scheming in theirhistoric rematch, the other seemed to envelop, evenembrace the punches. Bruce Lees advice to Tio inthe dressing room to be like water had takenshape. Uncle Tio had chosen the way of the peacefulwarrior.


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The term punching oneself out, commonly used todescribe the state of sheer exhaustion a fighter feelsfrom unleashing a barrage of punches withcomplete disregard for the time constraints as laid

out by the Marquis of Queensbury, was never meantso literally as on that night. Foreman, furious thatTio refused to fight back like a man, was fueled byrage at a man who was either too dumb or tooarrogant to even defend himself. Foremansintention was no longer just to win, but to wound.

Unfortunately for Foreman, Tio had different plansfor the evening. Since in boxing, as in ballroom

dancing, it takes two to Tango, Tio decided to sit thisone out. What was left was one man trying to fight ashadow. Like the sound of one hand clapping,Foremans threats to separate Tio from his sensesfell on deaf ears. The only sounds that night was theincredulous gasps as Foreman, having thrownalmost 300 punches per round, slowly started todismantle. Big George began to collapse to the

canvas in sections until the referee, with no otherchoice, began to count out the outstretchedForeman. With 9, and 10, separating Tio from thebiggest upset in boxing history, the fight wasinterrupted when a deputy athletic commissioner,fearing the inevitable, jumped up onto the ringcanvas and halted the bout, citing an obscure rule,called the Willie Pep clause calling for a fighter tothrow at least punch per round. The fight wasdeclared a no-contest and any record of the affairhas since been relegated to recollection.

The same can be said of Tio. After the fight, Tio wasquickly escorted to his dressing room and, just asquickly, escorted out of the arena by several


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members of the Los Angeles Police Department.What happened next has been the subject of muchspeculation. By some accounts, Tio was brought tothe Mexican border and told never to come back.

Other accounts dont have him being so fortunate.Despite hundreds of Tio sightings across thecountry (the most credible coming from his formerpupil, Elvis Presley, who claims to have seen Tio at a7-11 in Memphis, Tennessee in 1974), Tio wasdeclared legally dead by the State of California. Hisboxing trunks, the last vestige of Tios life here onearth, was packed with some of his belongings and

shipped back to my family in New York.The Catholic Church, in its ultimate wisdom (and ahefty donation from the Kennedys) deemed itappropriate to absolve Tio for his past hereticalutterances and afford him a proper Christian burial.The funeral in New York City was like a Whos Whoof high society. Everyone from Marlon Brando andMuhammad Ali, who served as honorary

pallbearers, to California Governor Ronald Reaganand Secretary of State HenryKissinger, made up theStanding Room Only crowd at St. PatricksCathedral. The Beatles, minus Ringo Starr,performed Let It Be as the procession made its waydown Fifth Avenue to the Holy Cross Cemetery inthe Prospect Heights section of Brooklyn. It wasthere that Tios trunks, and some other artifacts ofhis time on Earth, were placed in a pine box and laidto rest beside my great grandparents, Lorenzo andMaggie. On May 10, 1974, Uncle Tio had come home.


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LEGEND OF UNCLE TIO

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