Advanced Islamic Life Skills

COMMUNICATING

EFFECTIVELYMaulana Dr Rafaqat Rashid

Co

mm

un

icat

ing

Effe

ctiv

ely • Session 1- Power of Listening

• 31st August 2014

• Session 2- Power of Speaking• 30th November 2014

• Session 3- Conflict Resolution• 8th February 2015

SESSION 3

Conflict Resolution

It is related by Muhammad ibn Jafar (ra), a Companion of the Prophet, that a Christian delegation came to the Prophet and

said, 'O Abu-l Qasim, send one of your companions with us, one in whom you are well pleased, to judge between us on some

questions of property about which we disagree among ourselves. We have a high regard for you Muslim people."

Agenda1 Causes of conflict

2 Exercise 1- destructive and constructive conflicts

3 Exercise 2- Questionnaire- Four approaches to handling conflict- What’s your approach?

4 Four Important Principles from the Holy Qur’an

5 Dealing with challenging reactions

6 Important points from the Messenger of Allah (saw)

6

EqualityWorkload, money, time, justice

ApproachBest way, right way, wrong way

ValuesBeliefs, perceptions

PowerLeadership, decision making, rules

IdentityBelonging, racial, culture, religion

GoalsPriorities, objectives, mission

Causes of Conflict

AND

Exercise 1

Destructive Constructive

Conflicts

What makes conflicts destructive?

• Yelling

• Blaming

• reacting defensively

• Perceived intentions

• Not dealing with situation

• Subtle digs / sarcastic remarks

• Personal insults

• Constant complaining

• Issuing ultimatums

• Pushing harder for your way

• backbiting

What makes conflicts constructive?

• Go to source

• Stay in control

• Stay focussed

• Actively listen

• Be straight and sincere

• Go for solutions

• Assume other person means well

EXERCISE 2QUESTIONNAIRE:

What is your approach to conflict situations?

Four approaches in handling conflict

AggressivePassive-

Aggressive

Non-Assertive

AssertiveAgg

ress

ion

Assertion

• Blame

• Interrupt and talk over

• Push to get your way

• Demand and order

Aggressive

• Avoid conflict

• Appease the other

• Hesitant and apologetic

• Ramble and beat around the bush

Non-Assertive

• Tell others, not the source

• Withhold

• Subtle to not-so subtle critical remarks

• Hold in, then unload

Passive-Aggressive

• Go to source

• Be direct and constructive (language/tone)

• Problem solve collaboratively

• Firm, yet willing to compromise

Assertive

“Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than (voluntary) fasting, prayer and almsgiving

(sadaqah)?” The people replied, “Yes, Prophet of Allah!” He said, “It is putting things right between people. Spoiling

relations is the shaver.” (Abu Dawud)

Another version of this hadith in Jami’ Al-Tirmidhi adds, “It is the shaver, and I do not say that it shaves hair, but that it shaves (i.e. destroys) the Deen (i.e. religious commitment).”

BREAK

17

FOUR IMPORTANT PRINCIPLES FROM THE HOLY QUR’ANHow to approach conflict

لنت لهم ن الل فبما رحمة ما غليظ القلب لو كنت فظوا من حولك لنفض

وفاعف عن واستغفر لهم وشاورهم ف المر

فإذا عزمت فتوكل عل الل

يحب المتوكلي إن الل

So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them

And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you

So pardon them

and ask forgiveness for them

and consult them in the matter

And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah

Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

HUMILITY

SELF RESTRAINT IN EMOTION/ PATIENCE

ABANDON ASSUMPTION

BE GENUINE

ACTIVE RESPONSESSHARING/ VERIFYING

MAKE FINAL JUDGEMENTWITHOUT TRANSGRESSING

NOT TO TRANSGRESS IS REWARDING

Receiving

Processing

Responding

Outcome

Principles from the Holy Qur’an

Outcome Receiving

ProcessingResponding

When to deal with conflict(humility and self restraint)

Being respectful(abandon assumption and being genuine)

Dealing with the Conflict(Sharing/ Verifying)

Conflict Resolution Models(Gaining Reward and not transgressing)

Principle 1- Receiving

Principle 2- ProcessingPrinciple 3- Responding

Principle 4- Outcome

When to deal with conflict

(humility and self restraint)

Principle 1- Receiving

• Now or later• Dealing with it now

• Dealing with it later

• Leaving the matter

• Your readiness

• Being respectful

When to deal with conflict (Time)

• Your readiness • Your readiness

• Your preparation

• Others readiness

• Level of impact

When to deal with conflict (Person)

Being Respectful

(abandon assumption and being genuine)

Principle 2- Processing

• Operating collaboratively

• Working to understand others

• Building relationship for long-term potential

• Fixing problems not blaming

Being respectful

• Focus constantly on what’s wrong

• Accusation and blaming

• Pushing guilt and wanting other to admit mistake

• Debating all contrary points heard

• Expressing concerns to others instead of face-to face

• Defensive reaction

• Emotional outbursts

• Accusations flying back and forth

• Withdrawal and silent treatment

• Heated debates- talking over each other

Problem focus

• State objective of positive outcome

• Brainstorming- 2 way solution/ discussion

• Define problem in factual term

• Listening then moving

• Formulating principles

• What each will do to attain objective

• Listening/ 2 way conversation

• Creative problem solving

• Work to mutual agreement

• Clearing the air

Solution focus

Dealing with the Conflict

(Sharing/ Verifying)

Principle 3- Responding

• Stating thoughts tool• Own the thought

• Tell in positive terms

• Define impact, clarify effect

• Focus of feedback- issues and behaviours

• Stating feelings tool• Own the thought

• Name the feeling

• Use positive language and sincere tone

• Constructive reasons to explain basis of feelings

How to get your point across

• Plan• Objective

• Introduction

• Strategy

• Objections

• message

• Solution focus not problem focus

How to deal with conflicts of others

• Positive intentions

• Positive language

• Simple – one sentence

• Sincere in language and tone

• relevant

• Setting the agenda

• State you have issue

• State positive intention

• Outline agenda

• Showing understanding

• Shifting attention to them

• Demonstrate understanding

• Describing

• Focus and I-messages

• Give specifics

• Report observations, not interpretations

• Be direct

• Show sincerity

Dealing with conflicts

Conflict Resolution Models

(Gaining Reward and not transgressing)

Principle 4- Outcome

Resolving-concerns model

Needs-based model

Two conflict resolution models

• Introduction

• General purpose

• Positive comment

• Describe concern

• State observation not interpretation

• Be direct and sincere

• Be specific

• Explain feeling and explain impact

• Let other respond

• Work out solution

• Desired goal

• Ideas to meet goal

• Evaluate and reach consensus

Resolving-concerns model

• Introduction

• General purpose

• Positive comment

• Define problem

• Problem statement (the impact issue not the problem)

• Where they come from• Different ways of working

• Different ideas or views

• Different values

• Different goals

• Different understandings

• Identify need of those upon whom they impact

• Work out solution

• Desired goal

• Ideas to meet goal

• Evaluate and reach consensus

Needs-based model

The first thing that the Quran emphasizes is the relationship between piety (being God conscious) and forgiveness. For example in (3:134) it describes a true believer “Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men;- for Allah loves those who do good.”

The Quran makes a connection between forgiveness (on our part) and our need for God’s forgiveness. For example in (24:22) “Let them forgive and overlook, do you not wish that Allah should forgive you?” In other words if one wants God to forgive their sins then they should be understanding to other people’s difficulties and forgive them.

The Quran also ties between forgiveness and perseverance. For example we read in the Quran (7:199) “Hold to forgiveness; command what is right; But turn away from the ignorant.”

Spiritual Illness Manifestation Symptoms/ Emotion or Feelings

PRIDE/

ARROGANCE

(kibr)

HUMILITY

(Khushu’)

Jealousy hasad

Ungratefulness

batar

Greed hirs

Heedlessness ghafl

Show riya’

Miserliness bukhl

Vanity ujb

Generosity

Gratitude

Patience

Contentment

Selflessness

Righteousness

Anger ghadb

Jest mazah

Hatred bughd

Boasting fakhr

Dealing with defensive blows

• Avoid debating

• Avoid abandoning ship

• Understand concern of other first

• Speak to clarify – not counter

• Verify

• Reminder with positive message

• Move to solution stage

Dealing with reluctant solution maker

• Probe to uncover concerns

• Brainstorm together- humour

• Talk benefits

• Explore consequence

• Do nothing

• Do something

Dealing with challenging reactions

Anas ibn Malik (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

“Do not desert (stop talking to) one another, do not nurse hatred towards one another, do not be jealous of one

another, and become as fellow brothers and slaves of Allah. It is not lawful for a Muslim to stop talking to his brother

(Muslim) for more than three days.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Fraternity

by Al Tabarani, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says “Shall I tell you something that will make your palaces in Paradise higher and that would raise you in degrees.” They said “Yes.” He replied “To be forgiving and to control one’s self in the face of someone who provokes you. To forgive a person who was unfair or unjust to you, to give someone in need who did not give you when you were in need and to keep contact with someone even though they did not reciprocate it.”

Pardon

O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice as witnesses to Allah even though it is against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, be he rich or poor.(4:135)

O you who believe! Stand out firmly for Allah and be just witnesses and let not the enmity and hatred of others make you avoid justice. Be just, that is nearer to piety (5:8).

Justice

If they both (husband and wife) decide on weaning by mutual consent and after due consultation, there is no sin on them. (2:233)

If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife) appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from hers, if they both wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation (4:35).

Consult

Important points from the Messenger of Allah (saw)

1. He heard complaints of both sides before passing a verdict.

2. He mentioned the good traits and righteous deeds of the wrong-doer if the latter was apologetic and repentant, to facilitate reconciliation.

3. He allowed the recipient of an undeserved verbal onslaught to defend their honour, even if they were younger in age.

4. He did not - and this is a very important key point - exhort the wronged person to keep silent in the name of patience and restraint. He did not allow their oppressor to continue with their injustices. Rather, he made sure that the wrongdoing was not just stopped, but that the one who was wronged also defended themselves.

كم اهلل خريا جزا