Learn Five Languages of Apology for the Workplace

©2006 by Gary Chapman and Jennifer ThomasAll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher,

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Visit us at www.FiveLoveLanguages.com

Excerpted fromThe Five Languages of Apology

How to Experience Healing in All Your RelationshipsISBN: 1-881273-57-1 / ISBN–13: 978-1-881273-57-8

English and Spanish audio editions available from Oasis Audio (www.OasisAudio.com)Spanish print edition available from Tyndale Español (www.Tyndale.com/espanol)

Available from your favorite local or online bookseller.

Re-sellers—The Five Languages of Apology is available from Northfield Publishing (215 West Locust Street, Chicago, IL60610, 800-678-8001) and the following distributors: Ingram, Baker & Taylor, Appalachian, Anchor, American WholesaleBook Co., Anderson Merchandisers, Levy Home Entertainment. In Canada: RG Mitchell. In the UK: STL. In South Africa:Christian Art Wholesale. In Australia: Koorong Books. In New Zealand: Soul Distributors.

Printed in the United States of America

Dear Friend:Thank you for taking time to read through this brief booklet.The

insights and principles you’ll discover are drawn from years of research

and the real-life experiences of hundreds of individuals. Understanding

how to apologize with sincerity and clarity is vital to healthy relation-

ships—between coworkers, clients, family, and friends.This booklet will

start you down the road to understanding the five languages of apology.

Read it, reflect on it, then assemble your team to discuss how they apply

in your workplace.You’ll also find a Team-Building Resource Discussion

Guide at the back of the booklet.

For a comprehensive treatment on the subject, along with The

Five Languages of Apology Personal Assessment Tool, pick up a copy of

our book, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All

Your Relationships.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Dr. Jennifer Thomas

Iwas at a local bank standing in line, waiting my turn to see a teller.My wait was probably not more than ninety seconds; however,when I arrived before the teller she said with a smile, “I’m sorry

you had to wait.”“Not a problem,” I said as I handed her my transactions.When she

finished she asked, “Is there anything else?”“That’s all,” I said.Then with another smile, she added, “Have a good afternoon.”“Thank you,” I responded. “Same to you.”From there I drove to the local post office and stood in line for

thirteen minutes.When I arrived at the counter, the postal employeesaid nothing. “I’d like to send this first class,” I said.

Still no comment as she processed the postage. “Three twenty,”she said.

I gave her a five; she made the change and handed me my receipt.“Thank you very much,” I said as I walked away.

APOLOGIZING i n t h e

Workplace

EX P R E S S I N G RE G R E T“I am sorry”

AC C E P T I N G RE S P O N S I B I L I T Y“I was wrong”

MA K I N G RE S T I T U T I O N“What can I do to make it right?”

GE N U I N E LY RE P E N T I N G“I’ll try not to do that again”

RE QU E S T I N G FO R G I V E N E S S“Will you please forgive me?”

The F I V E L A N G U A G E S O F A P O L O G Y

As I drove back to my office, I reflected on those two encounters.My experience at the bank had been pleasant and friendly, while atthe post office I felt I was dealing more with a machine rather than aperson. Why did I respond so differently to the two encounters? I askedmyself. Probably because the teller began with an apology for my“wait,” while the postal employee made no apology.

Sometime later I thought about the number of times I havewalked into that bank and that post office over the past ten years. Irealized that each time my reception had been the same. If I waited inline, each teller said,“I’m sorry you had to wait.” At the post office,however, I never remember being greeted by any postal employeewith those words, though my wait at the post office was always muchlonger than my wait at the bank.

WHAT SUCCESSFUL COMPANIES KNOWIt seemed apparent to me that the bank employees had been trainedto apologize, while the postal employees had not. Consequently, I asa customer much preferred my visits to the bank. Some may arguethat the apology of the teller was perfunctory and insincere.And per-haps that is true, but I still appreciated someone acknowledgingregret that I had to wait for service.

Successful companies have long understood the power of an apol-ogy. Most generally subscribe to the philosophy “The customer isalways right.” Usually, this means that employees are trained to apol-ogize when a customer complains.

Serving the CustomerSome weeks ago I went to a local pizza restaurant for dinner.Afterward I was talking with the manager of the restaurant. “What doyou do when customers get upset or complain about service orfood?” I asked.Without hesitation he said, “The customer gets the lastword.”

“What do you mean by that?” I inquired.

T h e f i v e L a n g u a g e s o f A p o l o g y

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A p o l o g i z i n g i n t h e W o r k p l a c e

3

He took a sheet of paper and wrote the following words:

ListenApologizeShow concernThank the customer

“That’s our policy,” he said. “We listen to the customer’s com-plaint.We apologize.We try to show genuine concern for any prob-lem our service has caused them. And we thank them for bringing itto our attention.”

“Does that approach seem to work well?” I asked. “So far, sogood,” he replied. “Fortunately, we don’t have too many complaints.”

“That’s good,” I said. “I certainly don’t have any complaints. Thefood was great and the service superb.”

“Thanks,” he said. “That’s our goal.”I continued, “I’ve been doing some research on apologies over the

past two years. Would you like to know what I’ve learned?”“Certainly,” he said.

Since he had written out his plan for handling upset customers, Idecided to write the five apology languages. So I listed them asfollows:

Expressing regret—“I am sorry.”Accepting responsibility—“I was wrong.”Making restitution—“What can I do to make it right?”Genuinely repenting—“I’ll try not to do that again.”Requesting forgiveness—“Will you please forgive me?”

I explained that our research had indicated that each person has aprimary apology language, and if you don’t speak their language, theymay consider your apology to be weak and unacceptable; that’s whysometimes even though you apologize, a customer may continue tobe irate and will likely not return to your establishment. “Have youever had this experience?” I asked.

A Restaurant Spill“As a matter of fact, about three weeks ago two ladies came in for din-ner. Our waitress accidentally spilled a soda on one of the ladies. Sheapologized immediately and got paper towels and cleaned up thetable and invited the ladies to move to another table.The waitress toldme what had happened, so I walked out and asked the ladies if every-thing was all right.”

“Not really,” she said. “In fact, I’ve got to go home and changeclothes before I can continue my evening. This is not what I had inmind when I came in here to eat.”

“I could tell that she was still pretty hot,” he said, “so I tried ourlast approach.”

“What actually happened?” I asked.“I listened as she explained how the waitress had spilled the drink

on her blouse and skirt, how cold and now how stained and sticky shefelt. I said to her,‘I’m really sorry that happened.That is certainly notwhat we want for our customers. Let me assure you that I will behappy to pay the cleaning bill for your clothes, and this meal is on thehouse.We appreciate your business, and we certainly don’t want thiskind of thing to happen.’

“Her response was ‘Well, it didn’t have to happen if she hadn’tbeen in such a hurry.’

“‘I’ll be happy to assign you another waitress,’ I said as I walkedaway. I did, but as the lady walked out of the door, she was talkingabout how awful she looked and felt and that if she had known thiswould happen, she would not have come in the first place. It wasembarrassing for me that other customers heard her comment, but Ididn’t know what else to do.”

“Let’s see which of the five apology languages you spoke,” I said. Ichecked off number one as I said, “You definitely expressed regretwhen you said,‘I’m really sorry that happened.’ I’m not sure you or thewaitress accepted responsibility. I didn’t hear either of you saying,‘I waswrong. It was my fault.’You did, however, make restitution by offering


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to pay the cleaning bill and giving her the meal free. I didn’t hear anygenuine repentance; that is, you expressed no plan for seeing that thisdidn’t happen in the future. Nor did you ask her to forgive you. So itseems to me that you spoke two of the five apology languages.”

“Apparently, her language was one of the other three,” I con-tinued. “Perhaps if you had spoken her language, she may haveaccepted your apology and even expressed forgiveness.”

“That’s an interesting idea,” he said. “I’ll have to think about that.”Six weeks later, I stopped by for another pizza.The manager came

over and sat down. He said, “I’ve taught all my employees the five lan-guages of an apology.The next time we have a problem, we’re ready.We are going to speak all five apology languages.”

“Good,” I said. “Then you are bound to hit the person’s primaryapology language. I predict you will see a difference in the way theperson responds.”

The Pizza Man Delivers . . . at HomeThe manager continued, “This also works in a marriage, doesn’t it?”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.“Because I’ve discovered that my wife’s apology language is gen-

uine repentance. She wants me to assure her that I have a plan so thatthis won’t happen again. In the past, I’ve been big on ‘I’m sorry.’Thathas never been very effective with her. When I shared the five apol-ogy languages with her, she immediately said,‘That’s the whole prob-lem with your apologies.They always end with “I’m sorry.”’”

“And what is your apology language?” I asked.“Accepting responsibility,” he said. “I want her to say ‘I was wrong.’

In the past, she has seldom said those words, which always made mefeel that her apologies were not sincere.”

“This works in all human relationships,” I said. “I predict that yourbusiness and your marriage will both improve. Do you want mycounseling bill now, or do you want me to mail it to you?” I joked.

As our conversation was ending, I quietly added, “And one other


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thing —don’t forget to apologize to your employees when you loseyour temper and speak harshly to them.”

“How did you know that?” he asked.I smiled and said, “I just assumed that you are human.”“I’ve got an employee I need to apologize to right now,” he said.“Do you know her apology language?” I asked.“Not really,” he said. “So I’m going to use all five.”

THE LEARN POLICYDuring the past two years, I have asked numerous employees this ques-tion: Does your company have a policy on how to deal with irate cus-tomers? Almost without exception, the answer has been yes. For somethe policy is vague but involves some attempt to listen to the cus-tomer’s complaint and make some effort to respond in a positive way.For others, their policy has been stated in clear and specific terms.

Wise companies have consistent and specific plans for theiremployees to follow to “make things right.” Recently I was spendingthe night in a Dallas hotel. I asked the young man who was runningthe front desk my question: Does the hotel have a policy on how torespond to irate customers? I assured him I was not angry, but I wasdoing research on customers who are upset.

His response was very clear. “Our plan is based on the acrosticLEARN.” He then announced them clearly.

L = Listen. Hear the customer’s complaint.E = Empathize. Let the customer know that you understand

why they would be upset.A = Apologize.R = Respond and react.Try to make things right.N = Notify. Get back in touch with the customer and let them

know what action has been taken.1

Clearly this employee was well trained!


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WHEN DOCTORS APOLOGIZEResearch indicates that many professions are becoming more apologyconscious in recent years—among them the medical profession. In thepast, medical doctors have been looked upon as godlike, their deci-sions seldom questioned.Today, more and more doctors are seeing thevalue of apologizing to patients when they make mistakes in judgmentor action.This movement to apologize has been prompted, in part, byemerging evidence about the scope of medical errors.The Institute ofMedicine report in 1999 said, “Mistakes kill as many 98,000 hospital-ized Americans each year.”2

Fewer LawsuitsConsequently, the hospitals in the University of Michigan HealthSystem have been encouraging doctors since 2002 to apologize formistakes.The system’s annual attorney fees have since dropped fromthree million to one million dollars, and malpractice lawsuits andnotices of intent to sue have fallen from 262 filed in 2001 to about130 per year, according to Rick Boothman, a former trial attorneywho launched the practice there.3

Patients have responded extremely positively to such apologies.Linda Kenney, a mother of three, almost died seven years ago whenanesthesia was improperly administered prior to her surgery. “Myhusband wanted to sue,” she told a reporter. “He really wanted some-one to pay.” But then the anesthesiologist wrote her a letter express-ing his grief and contrition. Dr. Rick van Pelt wrote, “Whenever youwant to speak, I’ll make myself available. Here’s my home numberand my beeper number.”

At first she thought he was just trying to cover himself. But no:“Rick stuck his neck out. He met me in my hometown. . . . He madehimself totally vulnerable to me. He not only apologized but alsoacknowledged how emotional the event had been for him, for hisfamily, and for me.”4

Linda Kenney saw the apology as genuine, and she later dropped

her plan for litigation. Subsequently Dr. van Pelt joined her to foundan organization that helps those involved with medical and surgicalerrors to deal with the aftermath.5

‘He Just Didn’t Care’Colorado surgeon Michael Woods was overseeing surgery to removea patient’s appendix when a medical student accidentally puncturedan artery.Although the appendix was successfully removed, the oper-ation became complicated.The patient was unhappy with how Woodshandled the aftermath and sued him for malpractice.Woods took thetraditional approach recommended by his attorney—no response andno interaction between him and the patient.

In the courtroom, when the patient was asked why she had cho-sen to sue, she said, “I sued because he acted like what happened tome was no big deal. He just didn’t care.”

Later Dr.Woods said, “That comment hit me like the heat from ablast furnace. It wasn’t the injury and outcome that had led to thatmiserable day in court—it was her perception that I didn’t care. Myactions had communicated apathy and that was what had landed me incourt, not the medical complication.”6 Woods realized that his failureto offer a sincere apology was probably the reason she had filed suit.

In his revealing book Healing Words: The Power of Apology inMedicine, Dr. Woods adds: “The business world has internalized atruth that medicine has yet to discover and embrace: Apology isn’tabout money or being right or wrong—for either the buyer (patient)or the vendor (doctor). It’s about the provider showing respect,empathy, and a commitment to patient satisfaction; and about thosereceiving the apology having the grace to see the provider as humanand fallible—and worthy of forgiveness.”7

When doctors have chosen to apologize for their mistakes, theresults have been extremely gratifying, so gratifying, in fact, that oneinsurance company has now taken a pro-apology stance with themedical doctors it insures.8


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THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO OUR COWORKERSWhile many companies and professions have seen the value of apolo-gizing to customers and clients, we have discovered that few compa-nies have made any effort to train their employees on the value ofapologizing to each other. And we did not discover a single companythat had, as a part of their training program, any emphasis on how toapologize effectively to fellow employees.

As adults, many of us spend the largest amount of our hours eachday in our place of employment. The standard in North America iseight hours per day, but many people spend ten hours or even more.When we subtract the time we spend sleeping, we realize that wespend more time with the people with whom we work than we doour families.

With our work associates we have a relationship. It may be casualor close, depending on the nature of our jobs and the choices wemake. In work relationships, there is the potential for fostering appre-ciation and encouragement. There is also the potential for offense,hurt feelings, anger, and tension. Most of us prefer to work in anenvironment that is friendly, supportive, and positive. However, mostof us have sometimes found ourselves at odds with a coworker.During such occasions, understanding the value of apologizingbecomes extremely important.

While interest in apologizing in the workplace is increasing, thereis a realization that apologizing is not as easy as it sounds. Most peo-ple have only a limited idea of what it means to apologize. “I apolo-gize.” “I’m sorry.” “I was wrong.” “I’m sorry I hurt you.” “I’m sorryyou were hurt by what I said.” All of these are considered apologiesby different individuals.

A Great Workplace ProjectIf you’re a workplace supervisor or manager, here’s how you canhelp: Ask your staff to share with one another their primary apologylanguage. Then all of you will know how to more effectively


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apologize to one another.What a great workplace project! That’s whatI told the pizza manager to do the night he was about to apologize toan employee—sometime in the future have the staff tell each othertheir primary apology language. He spoke all five languages thatnight, so he probably was successful. But knowing their apology lan-guage would make future apologies most effective.

Our suggestion is that employers expose their employees to theconcept of the five languages of apology; then help them discovertheir own primary apology language. Finally, have them reveal thisinformation to the circle of employees with whom they interact.

What many coworkers do not realize is that people have differ-ent apology languages, and if they don’t speak their colleagues’ spe-cific language, the coworkers will not hear the apology as being sin-cere. By learning to apologize more effectively, we can have betterrelationships with our coworkers.That can make for a happier, morepleasant workplace.

The Receptionist’s ApologyRecently a colleague whom I’ll call Dr. Mary told me (Jennifer) abouta particular receptionist who worked in her counseling office yearsago.The receptionist at times forgot to remove a client’s name fromthe appointment book after the person called to cancel a session. Dr.Mary would come to the office, and the client would not show up.

She would say to the receptionist, “I’m concerned about this per-son.” The receptionist would answer, “Oh, I just remembered that shecancelled last week and I forgot to mark that down.”

Of course, Dr. Mary would have a wasted hour.The first time thishappened, she just accepted the receptionist’s apology and moved on.The next time it happened, the receptionist was again very apolo-getic. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I just forgot.”

Dr. Mary wanted to be gracious and offer forgiveness a secondtime. However, the words got stuck in her throat.There was a tensionbetween the two. The apology seemed incomplete and insincere to


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Dr. Mary, and she was concerned that her receptionist really had notchanged.

So she said to the receptionist, “I really would hate to be in thissame place again next week, because it is uncomfortable for both ofus, and it carries real cost for me. So can we talk about what you cando differently to be sure that you get clients erased when they canceland inform me as quickly as possible? I think we could work togethermore comfortably this way.”

The receptionist agreed, and after some discussion they bothdecided that the receptionist would keep a legal pad on her desk. Atthe top of the front page was the word Cancellations. She agreed thatimmediately upon receiving a cancellation, she would write theclient’s name and the name of the counselor whom the client was tosee. And on the second line, she would write the words Informed thecounselor and record the date and time that she actually informed thecounselor of the cancellation.

With this plan of genuine repentance, Dr. Mary was able toaccept the receptionist’s apology and go on with her workday. Herprimary apology language was genuine repentance. She was willing toaccept a simple “I’m sorry” the first time but not the second time.Had she not requested a plan for making things different in the futureand had the receptionist not complied with that plan, their relation-ship would have been estranged.

Apologies = Good BusinessJennifer’s illustration affirms two essentials in building healthy rela-tionships. One, we must let coworkers know what we expect in anapology. And second, the offender must be willing to speak the apol-ogy language of the one who was offended.When these two essentialsare in place, we can create a positive emotional environment in whichto work. That’s why Jennifer and I recommend coworkers read thisbook, discover their own primary apology language, and tell theircoworkers during a staff meeting.We believe that these simple steps


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would create a much more wholesome and healthy work environ-ment for thousands of employees.

Creating a positive emotional work environment enhances theproductivity of employees. Thus, a company that has the vision notonly of apologizing to customers and clients but teaching employeeshow to apologize effectively to one another is the company that ismore likely to succeed in accomplishing its financial objectives.Bottom line: Learning to apologize is good business. The employeeslive with less stress and anxiety, while the company profits from theirincreased productivity.

Notes1.The L.E.A.R.N. acronym was originally developed by Debra J. Schmidt and is published in spe-

cial report #8, “How to Turn Angry Customers into Loyal Customers.” It may be purchased athttp://theloyaltyleader.com/special_reports.iml. Debra leads businesses to greater customer,employee, and brand loyalty. For more information, visit www.theloyaltyleader.com.

2. Greensboro (North Carolina) News & Record, 12 November 2004, A6.

3. Ibid.

4. Joanne Kaufman, “Forgive Me!” Good Housekeeping, November 2004, 173–74.

5. Ibid.Their organization is Medical Induced Trauma Support Services.

6. Michael S.Woods, Healing Words:The Power of Apology in Medicine (Oak Park, Ill.: Doctors in Touch,2004), 9.

7. Ibid., 17.

8. Ibid., 61–62.


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HOW TO USE THIS DISCUSSION GUIDE

This is intended to maximize your personal learning efforts through smallgroup dialogue and encouragement. Helpful for small groups or workplacestudies, you’ll find your own growth energized even further as you com-municate your learning with others.

You can format your group with whatever approach helps you most.Some prefer a short lunchtime group with a 30–40 minute time of sharing.Others meet for an extended period of 60 minutes of more. Still othersmay prefer to use this guide for personal enrichment.

The structure has intentionally been kept simple, yet high impact. Itbegins with a Getting Started segment to help fuel your initial interac-tion. Questions for Discussion provides a helpful way to talk togetherabout the actual content from the booklet. Thoughts for Reflectionsuggests various ideas to stimulate meaningful conversation. Options forApplication provide specific opportunities to integrate what you’velearned with your daily life. Finally, it ends with a Parting Shot, leavingyour group with a meaningful quote or insightful statement to summarizethe group’s time together.

We highly value your group’s stories of life change! Please send us yourstories at www.GaryChapman.org. We look forward to hearing about thedifference this study makes in your life and the lives of those in your group.

T E A M B U I L D I N G R E S O U R C E

DISCUSSION GUIDE

By Dillon Burroughs

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GE T T I N G STA RT E D: What has been your most embarrassing moment inyour workplace?

Questions for Discussion1.The opening of this chapter contrasts the differences between a positive

trip to the bank and a negative encounter at the post office.What wasthe difference in the two situations?

2.The pizza restaurant’s manager shared that his customers always get theL.A.S.T. word. How could the aspects of the L.A.S.T. word help inyour workplace?

3. Have you ever had a medical professional apologize to you? What hap-pened? How would the situation have been different if the person hadnot apologized?

4.When was a time you needed to apologize to a coworker? How didyour apology change the situation?

Thoughts for Reflection5.When was a time you were unsatisfied as a customer? What kind of

apology would have best improved your view of the problem?6. Many of us spend more of our waking hours at work than anywhere

else.What practical ideas could you help implement to improve therelational atmosphere of your workplace?

Options for Application7. If possible, share the concepts of the five languages of apology with

your coworkers. Do your best to learn one another’s apology languageand use it in future situations.

8.What would be an ideal way of handling dissatisfied customers in yourworkplace? Create a list.Then place it in a prominent place in youroffice or work environment as a regular reminder.

PA RT I N G SH OT: “Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, thatpower to work is a blessing, that love of work is success.”— D A V I D O . M C K A Y


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he relationship-saving phenomenon that started it all! Dr. Gary Chapman uses real-life examples from over thirty years of counseling to illustrate the five distinct languages people use to

express love.You’ll understand why you feel the way you do, and you’llacquire indispensable methods for helping your mate feel loved.

The Five Love Languages for All Your Vital Relationships

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ConflictResolution

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ou can’t escape anger altogether, but you can learn to process it in aproductive manner. Dr. Gary Chapman takes a candid look at thisvolatile human emotion and prescribes five proven steps to help you

deal with it productively.You can move from anger to positive, loving action.Y

ust as you have a distinct love language, you also hear and express the wordsand gestures of apology in a distinct language.This groundbreaking study ofthe way we apologize reveals that it’s not a matter of will—it’s a

matter of how. Identify the languages of apology, both for yourselfand others, and begin clearing the way toward healing and sustainingall your vital relationships.

Available September 2006 from your favorite local or online bookseller.ISBN: 1-881273-57-1 / ISBN–13: 978-1-881273-57-8

Also in audio and Spanish.

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www.FiveLoveLanguages.com

Apologies = Good BusinessApologizing in the Workplace will benefit employees at

every level within your organization, especially those whohave contact with the world outside your walls. It drivesto the heart of damaged customer relationships andemployee conflict.

Sincere apologies are as important in the workplace as they are in the home. Significant losses—for businessesand individuals—are often the result of ineffective apolo-gies. Indeed, the shortage of meaningful apologies may bethe primary factor in the epidemic of fractured relation-ships so common today.

The fact is, all of us hear and express words and gestures of apology in a unique language.This bookletintroduces the five languages of apology and detailsproven techniques for giving and receiving effectiveapologies within the workplace. A special team-buildingtool at the back of the booklet will aid in group discus-sion and application.

Apologizing in the Workplace is excerpted from the bookThe Five Languages of Apology, by Drs. Gary Chapman andJennifer Thomas. Before collaborating on this book, Drs.Chapman and Thomas devoted three years to research,interviewing and surveying hundreds of people.The find-ings from this extensive study have informed the coachingand many anecdotes found in this resource booklet.

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., is the New York Times best-selling author of The Five LoveLanguages.With over 30 years of counseling experience, he has the uncanny ability to holda mirror up to human behavior, showing readers not just where they go wrong, but alsohow to improve. Dr. Chapman holds B.A. and M.A. degrees in anthropology fromWheaton College and Wake Forest University, respectively, M.R.E. and Ph.D. degreesfrom Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has completed postgraduate work atthe University of North Carolina and Duke University.

Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., is a Psychologist in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Shecounsels on a wide variety of individual and couples issues from communication to traumarecovery and spiritual healing. Dr. Thomas holds a B.A. degree in Psychology with HighDistinction from the University of Virginia and M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in ClinicalPsychology from the University of Maryland.

0-8024-0591-6 Printed in USA www.FiveLoveLanguages.com

Learn Five Languages of Apology for the Workplace

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