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NON-FICTION CREDITS:

Laborliss MagazineA Socially Acceptable™ Publication

BRANDON MULLANMastermind

Layout DesignMICHAEL MARKOWSKI

Contributing WritersBRANDON MULLAN

Contributing IllustratorsTONY DESCHINEY

Advertisers may contact us at:

brandon@sociallyacceptable.org

All events and charactersare purely fictional.

Copyright © 2008 Socially Acceptable LLC.

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced without the written permission of Socially Acceptable.

Visit us online at:www.sociallyacceptable.org

I want to lock a naked, blindfolded person into a small cell that has nothing in it but helium

balloons. As the trapped, blind person lays there and cries, the balloons will gently rub against them, but they won’t be able to see them or be prepared for them! Imagine what it’d be like to be trapped in a dark room with unknown objects rubbing against you. Talk about the ultimate torture method! Oookie makkie! How and why did I come up with this, you ponder? Writing isn’t something you can constantly do; sometimes you have to pace and play with things and occasionally those things are balloons and blindfolds.

Anyway, Kent’s social life significantly improved once it dramatically donned on me that I’ve been unknowingly carrying all of you like concert goers who innocently put up their hands as a crowd surfer approaches. See, a lot of Laborliss people seem to enjoy the magazine I’m the editor of, so it only makes sense that you like me and my cool guy points of view. I took that thought to action one courageous outing and spread my swagger all over the night like dew on grass. Much to my dismay, my success was as colorful as an exploding painted turtle that a prankster strapped a bunch of dynamite to! Finally, I could socially see clearly.

I learned that most people just have a bunch of negative stuff to say, making it hard to find good people you actually want to socialize with. I went from being the turned downee to the turn downer. It made me wonder why I put so much concern in to gaining the acceptance and attention of people I ended up not liking. I chatted with lots of people who made my mind buzz about trying out my balloon torture method. Why not, my double sided devil conscience screamed.

Back at Kent’s pad, the looped up crazies that I had corralled from the bar entertained themselves as I cleared out my closet and threw some helium filled balloons (I have an at-home-helium-balloon kit) into it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever blindfolded and/or manipulated a naked, drunk person before, but neither is challenging. “Come on, take off all your clothes, put this around your eyes, and lets go for a walk,” I told this drunk guy who lacked

reluctance.

The others had passed out by the time I locked the drunk, naked, blindfolded guy in the closet. My patients got exercised when at first I heard nothing, no sounds, no moans, no wrestling, nothing. Finally, I heard some unidentifiable emotional sounds coming hysterically from the belligerent crazy. Unsure what to do, I peaked in the closet and saw the dude on the floor with the helium balloons floating around, but the drunk guy was crying and laughing at the same time. Until he began to violently shake, I just stood there and watched.

Foam spewed out like a geyser from his mouth as he made sounds and his shaking turned to bouncing. I knew exactly what had happened: the balloons tickled and scared him at the same time, combine that with the booze and I had... a situation. I kneeled before him and beseeched him to not die. I slapped him until he came to, and when he did, he told me he’d run away from the light he was heading

towards if I’d be his best friend forever. Excuse me?! My jaw descended so fast I think I fell forward a bit.

What would you have done if the naked, blindfolded, drunk person you threw into your

helium balloon filled closet started to convulse, make a combination of unusual emotional sounds, and told you he’d stay alive as long as you became his best friend? A drunk guy dying is explainable, but people are going to wonder why he was naked, blindfolded, and in a closet with helium balloons, aren’t they?

What choice did I have? As soon as he came to, he forced me to go out with him to get a late night breakfast. Wow, like I’ve never done that before. I should have just locked myself in the balloon filled closet. At least I’d be spending my free time with someone who doesn’t talk when I don’t want to listen.

—Closet Player, Kent

Y O U R E D I T O R

Editor-in-Chief of LaborlissSocial Killer, Kent

“I learned that most people just have a bunch of negative stuff to say, making it hard to find good people you actually want

to socialize with.”

no snow in Laborliss, but sled-ding with my cracker eating, green haired teddy bear doll would be so much fun...”

WELL EYE: “Well, I am the greatest sledder of all time.”

ALI: “Yeah, Fredrick is such a nice dolly, he always listens to what I have...”

WELL EYE: “Well, I am a dolly. I can transform myself in to a doll that humans can play with.”

ALI: “Wow, neat. My mommy lets me have a popsicle each night if I eat all my brussels sprouts.”

WELL EYE: “Well, I eat popsicle flavored brussels sprouts that grow inside of me. Sometimes conniving farmers try to climb inside me and steal my brussels sprout flavored popsicles, but I scare them away by slowly shrinking my insides. You should see how they react. The brussels sprout flavored popsicles that grow inside of me belong to me!”

Ali didn’t try to chime in again, instead she just listened because no matter what she said, Well Eye broke in with “Well, I,” and told a better story. I can assure you that Ali left that situation more informed and prepared for life.

54

We’ve gotsomethingspecial

for you!

Fifi Furfurfester, our acclaimed and

mimicked journalist, was set to bring you a special news story about Ali Gory, a fictional young girl blossoming to adulthood and the encounters she may face, but an unexpected, 7 hour blackout prevented us from airing the special. Apparently, the homeless climbed up to some power lines, threw a towel over the cords, and slide around on them until they all snapped. The more power lines they snapped, the darker our town became and the harder it was to stop them. Because so many squirrels got electrocuted, the next 6 newscasts were spent giving them the funerals they deserve. However, Laborliss Magazine has decided to give Fifi Furfurfester a section in this issue to tell her story. B u t

d o n ’ t worry, Laborliss

people, we’re still going to help you make those important choices that make your life worth living! We can do it all! “Welcome everyone, I’m Fifi Furfurfester. Laborliss Magazine has been generous enough to allow me to tell my story in this

publication. To come up with my narrative, I locked myself in an underground box and studied clairvoyance, superstition, luck, psycho-leverage analyzation, frog skin, the

absence of hard work, and poor decision making. I also recalled upon the meetings I had with Dan, my 7 foot childhood neighbor who lured me into his garage with this trick he could do with marbles that later led to a massive amount of self discovery via many psychology sessions. On little Ali Gory’s bountiful journey, she’ll come across things that are foreign to her. Please remember that I let myself drift to a different dimension and developed this story while I was under the trance of my own meditation. I didn’t consciously come up with this stuff; my mind took Ali to these situations. So readers, what’s about to come out of my mouth is the story of Ali Gory, a little girl and some things she could face during her road to adult land. Before we send her out, let’s get to know her.” Ali is a precocious 12 year old who loves her life and her family. She’s physically flexible and both of

the hinge joints on her knees are in above average working condition. She’s acutely book smart and spends most of her

time studying, reading, and loving her family, dog, and dolls. Ali loves to be in her bubble so much that she claims she’s never going to leave, she’s wants to just roll along in it forever. All her social activity, including talking on the phone, has thus far been supervised.

Let’s see wheRe she gOes!

The first thing Ali Gory crossed paths

with was Well Eye, a talking well that had an eye on it. To bubbly Ali, Well Eye looked intriguing, amusing and approachable, so she naively waltzed up to Well Eye and broke in to speech:

ALI: “Hello Mr. Well Eye, my name is Ali and I like to play with my dollies. I have a little green haired teddy bear dolly named Fredrick that I feed crackers to. Oh, how I want to take Fredrick sledding with me.

T h e r e ’ s

all aBoutpartying! Here at LM, we under-stand how much people who do nothing need to unwind, and we’re totally here for you. Your party life lets the world know how cool you are, so we’re going to guide you through the turbulent terrain of partying and give you some ideas on how to make your party-ing even more sensational.

spice Up YOUR paRtY bY:Playing tug of war in the mud• Being snotty to newcomers for • no apparent reasonGetting dangerously drunk for • attentionWearing clothes that don’t fit • your personalitySpitting and drooling •

what tYpe Of paRtY savage aRe YOU?

the armpit cracker party savage — This guy gets so crazy he puts crackers in his armpits and crumbles them with his pits right in front of you. Whoa!

The Firefighter Party Savage — This character is helpful to have around. Completely belligerent, he drives drunk kids, who hang

out of his car and yell, from party to party.

the who’s Johnny Mocka warlord party savage — This guy gets so drunk and crazy that he just runs around and yells stuff like, “blotcha cotcha motcha, locka, locka, locka,” then when he see he’s got your attention, he gets in your face and screams, “who’s Johnny?!” Beware of this guy. He can get carried away, so it’s acceptable if your reaction varies.

the beanbag party savage — This person always wants you to pick them up and throw them around. While drunk, it can be insanely fun to throw humans around, just don’t hurt yourself !

the helmet wearing party savage — This dude always thinks parties are going to end with people throwing objects at each other, even though he usually ends up instigating it. Cover your head if this guy is around.

the angel sniffer party savage — This character gets so drunk that he just runs around, sniffs stuffs, and says it smells like angels. He claims he knows what angels smell like because each night he gets so intoxicated he dies, gets halfway to the land of orange, fluffy pillows, then angels snatch him up and fly

his soul back to his tangible self while he sniffs them. Wow! At parties he actually flirts with girls by approaching them, sniffing them thoroughly, then telling them they smell like angels, and it works. Watch your girl when this guy is in the vicinity.

the stereotypical party savage — By the end of the night, this guy is guaranteed to end up with no shoes, no shirt, and a marker colored face and chest.

a Male party savage consists Of:

Not having anything else in • your life going onHaving extremely poor real life • social skillsKnowing you’re cool•

a female party savage consists Of:

Rampant promiscuity• Being 7 different people• The self destructive need for • artificial attention

What would you do without a magazine to tell you what’s going on this weekend? Magazines that tell you what’s cool are so necessary we should make 15 more just like this one! Yeah!

hoW to choose a

Dentiston

looKs!Do you want an ugly

guy staring into your mouth? Heck no!

Only hot guys should get to poke at your teeth, which is why we want to help you choose a HOT dentist!

it’s absOLUteLY

vitaL that YOUR Dentist:

has LOng aRMs How much of your dentist you can see depends on how long his arms are (if he has long arms he can

stand further away from you when he has his hands in your mouth and you’ll be able to get a better look at his whole body). So make sure he’s longed armed and sexy!

bRags abOUt his cOOL expeRiences whiLe pOking at YOUR teeth Cool guys brag a lot, that’s just what they do. Here’s an example of what the hot, long armed dentist may say while he’s inspecting your teeth: “This one time I got so drunk that I forgot how to spell, and I was texting like 6 different chicks at once. Apparently, none of them remembered me from our bar encounters and they all asked who I was, but I was so drunk I couldn’t spell my own name, so they never figured out who was calling them ‘a sexy momma jomma!’”

Makes bORDeRLine inappROpRiate aDvances On his patients As a patient, you should view this as the ultimate act of bravery and flattery. He wants you so bad that he risks his career to get with you! Don’t let this bad boy get away.

a hairless, buff chest is better than clean dental instruments because... Have you ever eaten off a spoon in a restaurant? Don’t kid yourself in to thinking that that spoon was 100% clean, but guess what? Nothing happened! You didn’t die. Just like you won’t die if your hot dentist doesn’t have the most sanitary tools. Who cares if germs get transfered to you via an unclean dentist mirror, as long as you can

stare at the hairless, buff chest of a hunky dentist!

having bloated biceps is more important than knowing what a molar is because... People fake being good at their jobs everyday and the world still goes round, so it shouldn’t matter if he knows the difference between a molar and a bicuspid. I wouldn’t mind losing some teeth to a guy with sexy arms. Dissect the situation: big arms are eye candy, and it’s not like you see with your teeth!

6

Ali Gory galloped about until she met a Tucan.

Instantly, she started a conversation with the alluring bird, but as soon as she did, it started talking and didn’t stop. Ali tried to get some words in, but she couldn’t, which left her no choice but to stand silently as the Tucan went off: “I used to have a plentiful life, a pretty wife, lots of money, everything. Then one day I was flying around and I nearly got my head cut off by a boomerang that had blades as ends. Evidentially, some troublemakers were trying to cut down some power lines using this bladed boomerang, but they hit me instead. It cut halfway through my neck and I dropped to the ground with blood squirting and my half attached neck flailing about. A nearly beheaded Tucan can’t offer much, so needless to say, I lost my job, then my wife left, then I just got real lonely. The psychological trauma it caused took me to places I can’t escape from. Now I just sit around and stare at things.” Ali stood there for a minute before leaving the still-talking Tucan, but as she left, she noticed an ugly, uncomfortable feeling pulling her toward the Tucan, but she pierced through and went on her way. There’s no doubt that Ali once again left much more prepared for life.

Next, Ali stumbled upon a starfish.

This character appeared so unique Ali gave way to temptation and went up to it.

STARFISH: “Salutations, my name

is Jarvis and I can take you places. Just come with me, kid, and I’ll get you whatever you want. Hats, gum balls, wagons, anything. All you have to do is follow me.”

ALI: “Oh really? Wow, that sounds like fun, what are we going to do?”

JARVIS: “It all. Play in balls, eat chocolate, pet ponies, have dances with all your friends in my van, everything. I can take you places. I’ve been around and I’ve seen it all. All you have to do is come with me.”

ALI: “Wow...”JARIVS: “What’s with the hesita-

tion, kid? I’ve done so much that you should be rubbing

my feet and doing whatever I say. Do you even know who I am? I’m Jarvis the Starfish. I can take you places! C’mon, just follow me!”

The offer tempted young Ali; she definitely wanted to go, but she had to eat dinner with her family in a few hours, so she reluctantly passed. It was an ignorant move.

spiDermonKeys Spider monkeys have become a fad in Laborliss. Every-where you look people are walking around with their pet spider mon-keys, so naturally bragging about your spider monkey has predict-ably taken center stage, and getting their jaws the strongest and firmest looking has become a way to com-pete among pet owners. But are you willing to take the sexiness of your spider monkey’s jaw farther than everyone else? If so, we’re here for you.

HOW TO GET YOUR SPIDER MONKEY’S JAW THE

FIRMEST LOOKING:

The people at Laborliss Magazine have been kind enough to outline a way to make your spider monkey’s jaw the healthiest looking, however, it does require quite a bit of effort on your part. Chewing is inarguably the best way to strengthen a jaw. So, not only do you have to provide chewy foods for your spider monkey to eat, you also have to instill in them that chewing is enjoyable. But don’t make this harder than it is, how a spider monkey chews is similar to the way a human does.

1) Hold your spider monkey down and tickle it while forcing it to watch you chew the air. Tickle it and stare face to face with it until you feel it will associate chewing with a tickling feeling. Between laughs, it’ll eventually chew the air along with you. Once that is established, you’ll need to provide things for your spider monkey to chew.

2) Clay, fruit roll ups, twigs, stale pretzels, and taffy are all examples of things that will exercise your spider monkey’s jaw. Sit it down and chew the items with it. If everything was done correctly, your spider monkey should feel like it’s being tickled when it chews.

3) Next, we need to teach your spi-der monkey how to find chewy things on its own. You’re going to want to sprinkle some of its own fur onto chewy items, then hide the fur covered chewy items in your couch cushions, in your microwave, in your dresser drawers, in the lint trap of your dryer, a n y w h e r e in your h o m e . Walk

around your domicile with your spider monkey and when it finds a fur covered chewy item, try to take the item from it by attacking it. This will increase the value of the fur covered chewy item and make the spider monkey want it even more. But the key is to al-ways let it win!

4) Stand back, watch it chew, and get your bragging sayings prepared.

The more you run through this routine with your spider monkey, the stronger jaw it will have and the more bragging rights you’ll have. If done properly, your spider monkey should know how to, and want to, find chewy, tickling feeling food on its own!

being obsessively well-groomed is better than not abusing novocaine because... Being obsessively well groomed is an indirect way of him trying to get you to like him, but horsing around with novocaine is fun, so this one is tricky, but it could work to your advantage by doing both. What would be the harm of getting all looped up off novocaine with some really sexy, well groomed guy?

forced charisma supersedes knowledge about the gums because... Forced charisma means the hot dentist guy is trying to get his patient (you) to like him, which means he likes you. In all seriousness, how would your life change if your gums suddenly went away? What couldn’t you do? Take this info and live by it. No longer should you have unattractive guys play around in your mouth!

it shouldn’t matter if the dentist is good at his job as long as he’s hot!

8 To place an ad in this magazine, call (602) 540-8645 www.sociallyacceptable.org 9

Traditional 30’s style Barber Shop. Specializing in hot towel, straight

razor shaves & fades.

Traditional 30’s style Barber Shop. Specializing in hot towel, straight

razor shaves & fades.

When Ali arrived home for dinner

that night, she felt a little more confused and rattled than when she’d left. Honestly, she didn’t know what to think about the characters she’d come across on her journey, but at least after reading this she’ll know what type of party savage she is, how to pick out a hot dentist, and how to get her spider monkey’s jaw to the hierarchy of

bragging rights! I want to thank Laborliss Magazine for allowing me to tell my story. It’s assumed that all the young people like Ali Gory will live a better, safer, and more prepared life because of it. As always, you’re welcomed.

From underground boxes to you,Fifi Furfurfester

what wOULD we DO withOUt OpiniOns?

OPINIONS ARE FREE and everyone has them so it only makes sense that they should fly around and be what makes the world spin. Seriously, what would be the point of crawling out of bed if we couldn’t force every irrelevant thought we had onto an unwilling person? There wouldn’t be! So let’s make the world spin!

“I like to eat chopped onions with ketchup and if you don’t, I not only don’t want to be your friend, I want to steal your taste buds and conduct experiments on your taste buds until they like the taste of chopped onions and ketchup. Hahahahahahaha! What are you going to do when your taste buds like chopped onions with ketchup and you don’t? You’ll go nuts!”

—Swank Betterson

“Human beings shouldn’t be allowed to make noises when they eat. There should be a punishment for this kind of activity!”

—Harry Stamps

“This isn’t really an opinion, but my favorite thing to do is stand a safe distance away from everything and just make comments on what others do. Secretly, I’m a scared wussy who is too afraid of failure to even attempt anything so I just make negative comments about others who try. It comes from my raging jealous and deep-rooted insecurities. What’s funny is, I know that I know everything, yet I don’t try at anything.”

—Jerri JoSiv

“Opinions perplex me. Even first person point-of-view opinions that come out of my body can be wasteful like urine, yet still hurt me and make me cry. But sometimes opinions can come from somebody else and not be wasteful. Yet for some reason these opinions can still make my eyes water, even without the P and First I. Think about it, hard, until you get it.”

—Jockie Cumbub

“If you want a sword, let yourself have the sword. You probably deserve the silly thing.”

—Jason Acemen

“I wish I had less good social skills. Everyone always calls me and wants to hang out, but all I really want to do is math. There’s something inside of me pulling me toward math. I never get to work on any math problems because people are always bugging me, but how are you supposed to tell people to leave you alone so you can study rise over run? I’m not sure if this is an opinion but I needed to get it out of me.”

—Anonymous

how would we S U R I V E

withoute v e r y o n e ’ sopinions?

ACROSS1. Both of the ___ on Ali’s

knees are in above average working condition.

2. If your dentist doesn’t have ___, you won’t be able to stare at his body.

4. Only hot ___ get to play in your mouth.

8. The ___ cracker party savage can crumble crackers without his mouth.

9. ___ always has a better story.

10. The ___ sniffer party savage gets chicks by smelling them.

11. After the black out, the news consisted of squirrel ___.

13. If done properly, your spider monkey should feel ___ when it chews.

14. Borderline inappropriate ___ means your dentist likes you.

DOWN1. Kent turned ___ into

torture devices.3. The jaw of your ___ has

become something to brag about.

5. ___ is Ali’s green-haired teddy bear dolly.

6. The Tucan that Ali met got its neck sliced by a bladed ___.

7. Sometimes when Kent writes, he experiments with balloons and ___.

12. Jarvis the ___ can take you places.

laBorliss magaZinecrossWorD puZZle

Find the answers within the magazine or check your answers online at SOcIAllyAccepTABle.Org

10 To place an ad in this magazine, call (602) 540-8645

12 To place an ad in this magazine, call (602) 540-8645