Formal Dining

“Knife and Fork School”for the Leather Lifestyle

People often judge our sophistication by our dining skills

Formal dining situations cannot be avoided even in the Leather Lifestyle◦ Conferences◦ Celebrations◦ Private Parties

The desirable attitude at even the most formal occasion is relaxed competence

Formal Dining

“American table manners are, if anything, a more advanced form of civilized behavior because they are elaborate, time-consuming, and further removed from practical results, always a sign of refinement.”

Judith Martin, Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, 1979

Formal Events◦ High protocol is the norm at strictly Leather events◦ Medium protocol at mixed events◦ Low (Public) protocol at vanilla events

Semi-Formal Events◦ Medium protocol at Leather or mixed events◦ Low (Public) protocol at vanilla events

If not specified on the invitation, check with the host or use the nature of the event as a guide.

Protocol Levels

Will be specified on the invitation. Tuxedo/Suit; Formal/Semi-formal Gown Formal Leather

◦ Bar wear and Dungeon wear are not appropriate Uniform

◦ Properly worn dress or mess–dress uniform◦ Uniform headgear is not worn to the table

Fetish (No nudity at the dinner table)◦ Always check with the host to determine if your

intended attire is acceptable◦ Even fetish attire should be appropriate to the event

Appropriate Attire

Arrive Eat Leav

e

The Order of Events

Cocktails (usually in another room) Call to Dinner Entrance of Head Table and Distinguished

Guests Posting Colors (if flags are not already in

position) Invocation Pledge of Allegiance or National Anthem Missing Comrades Ceremony (if used) Official Toasts Welcome Introduction of Head Table Introduction of Distinguished Guests

Typical Order of Events

Dinner◦ Appetizer◦Soup◦ Fish◦ Sorbet◦ Fowl◦ Cheese◦Meat◦Salad◦Dessert and Coffee◦ Fruit and Nuts

Typical Order of Events

Remarks/Keynote address Toast to Keynote Speaker (optional) Presentation of Gifts (if applicable) Benediction Retiring of Colors (if flags were posted) Entertainment (optional) Closing

Typical Order of Events

The Cocktail Hour

Receiving lines are the accepted way of introducing people to society. They are not often used at leather events

If a receiving line is used it is usually before or at the start of the cocktail period

Introduce yourself to the first person in line (usually the host), you exchange handclasps and greetings; the host will then introduce you to the next person in line and this procedure will be repeated through the receiving line◦ If an “announcer” is at the start of the receiving line, do

not shake hands with him/her Move promptly to the next person

Receiving Lines

Engage in conversation with the members of the receiving line only if your progress is delayed

A receiving line usually lasts about 30 minutes Guests who miss the receiving line should seek

out and pay their respects to the host, hostess and guest of honor

At leather events, the Dominant usually goes through the line first; their submissive follows but still greets those in the line

Never carry a beverage or food with you through the receiving line

Receiving Lines

If servers are circulating with cocktail trays, you may select what you want from the tray. If your preferred cocktail is not on the tray, send your submissive to the bar. (Don’t ask the server to get your drink unless there is no bar.)

If there is a cocktail “buffet” take a small sampling of the food. Remember there may be a large meal following the cocktail period

Do not bring cocktails (or food) to the dinner table

Cocktails

At The Table

Place cards often are used at formal leather dinners in private homes; at large events usually only for the head table and tables reserved for VIP guests

Dominants usually are seated by their submissives

Submissives will usually sit to the left of their Dominants (seating is sometimes flexible)

Submissives remain standing (standing present) until all Dominants at the table are seated

Submissives stand when a new Dominant arrives to be seated at the table unless the program has started

Seating

Do not touch any of the table setting (including the napkin) until the start of the actual dinner service. The host will usually signal this by unfolding his napkin unless there is a Master of Ceremonies (MC) to announce the start of dinner◦ If there is a program as part of the table setting you may

refer to that as appropriate Do not place any personal items on the table Turn off cell phones and electronic devices

◦ If you must keep them on, e.g. a doctor on call, let the Host know in advance

Do not place your elbows on the table

Simple Table Rules

Have a handkerchief or tissue handy to cover a cough or sneeze. Do not use the napkin

Do not slump or slouch in your chair Do not extend or cross your legs under the table

Simple Table Rules

If there is an Master of Ceremonies (MC), he/she will announce the entrance of Head Table and Distinguished Guests Everyone stands and remains standing until invited to be

seated Posting of the Colors

If flags are not already in place behind the head table a color guard will post the colors

As the color guard passes your position, face them and salute by placing your right hand over your heart

Invocation Pledge of Allegiance or National Anthem

Opening Ceremonies

MC or Host will usually ask guests to be seated at this point.

Missing Comrade Ceremony (if used) Welcome by MC or Host Introduction of Head Table Introduction of Distinguished Guests

◦ If you are being introduced, nod or stand but do not wave or make other gestures

◦ Follow the lead of the first person introduced (usually the host or hostess)

Opening Ceremonies

All present take part in all toasts unless they are the person being toasted ◦ Not participating in the toast does not mean that

you do not drink; it means that you do not approve of, or disagree with, the toast that was offered

◦ Any beverage may be used (Navy tradition excludes water except for a missing comrade ceremony) or a glass of wine can be brought to the lips without drinking

◦ If you do not have a glass, just go through the motions

◦ Do not clink or touch glasses at formal dinners Official toasts are arranged in advance

Official Toasts

U.S. Flag (always the first toast at military and government dinners, usually the first toast at Leather events)◦ “To the Flag of the United States of America”

Response: “To the Colors of the United States of America”

Guest(s) of honor or reason for dinner◦ “To Woody Burns, president of the HellFire club and

winner of the 1935 International Hottest Leatherman contest.” Response: “To Woody Burns”

◦ “To The LAIR on the occasion of its first anniversary.” Response: “To The LAIR”

Official Toasts

Toasts made by guests are usually reserved for the dessert course of the meal before any speeches or addresses are made

Guest toasts follow the same format as official toasts◦ Ask permission to offer a toast◦ Keep is brief and light◦ There should be no explanation required (no inside

jokes!)

Toasts by Guests

Toaster will stand with charged wine glass* in hand (about chest level) and wait to be recognized◦ Do not rap on glassware or knock on the table to get

attention◦ “May I have your attention, please.” (repeated as

necessary) Introduce yourself Recap reason for the event (or the toast) Say a few carefully chosen words

◦ Keep the attention focused on the event or person being toasted

Invite everyone to stand (if desired) and raise his/her glass to join you

Mechanics of Toasts

* You can have any beverage, including non-alcoholic beverage, in the wine glass

Raise your glass and say any final words Pause briefly in case other guests repeat your

final words or offer a specified response Take a sip of your beverage Place your glass on the table Sit down

International toasting style:Stand and hold glass at chest level, fingers of the right hand hold the stem, bowl or handle of the glass and the left hand with fingers flat supports the glass from beneath

Mechanics of Toasts

If you are the person being toasted◦ Remain seated even if everyone else stands◦ Do not touch or sip your drink

After being honored with a toast, you are expected to offer a “thank you” toast in return, either immediately or shortly after◦ If there are several toasts in your honor (often made

by a Toastmaster) each can be acknowledged with a nod or slight bow and a single “thank you” toast offered at the end

When You Are Honored

LETS TAKE A BREAK

Dinner Is Served

Food is always served from the left Beverages are served from the right Formal meals are served one course at a time At a formal buffet submissives should determine

what their Dominant desires and serve that, then request permission to go back to get their own plate

At the end of each course the plates, glasses and utensils that were used are removed from the right

Serving the Meal

If you do not want wine simply wave off its service. Do not cover or invert the wine glasses

“I prefer not having wine today” If you prefer juice or some other drink ensure that your

submissive knows that Beverage cans or bottles are not placed on the table Wine bottle might be allowed on the table if there is a

receptacle (wine scuttle) provided If service personnel (slaves) are not seated at the

main table, they will usually eat in a separate room after the main table has been cleared.

Serving the Meal

The number, type and sequence of utensils will give you a good idea of the number, type and sequence of the courses of the dinner.

The soup course usually is the only one with one utensil, all the other courses usually have two utensils each.

Always start on the outside and work in.

After using silverware, never place it back on the table―rest it on the plate. (Not even handles touch the table.)

Do not rearrange the place setting to suit yourself.

If you drop a utensil on the floor, ask for a replacement.

The Table Setting

The Table Setting

The Dinner Courses

“The main point that should be made about table linens is that there should be some, and paper doesn't

count.”

Napkin Etiquette ◦ Place the napkin on your lap after being seated and the

dinner service started. (Follow the host’s example.)◦ As needed, use it to gently wipe or dab your mouth.

Before drinking from a glass, dab your mouth. (Lipstick traces on the glasses are not considered sexy even in this setting.)

◦ During a restroom break, place the napkin on the chair or to the left of the plate

◦ At the end of the meal, the napkin is placed neatly to the right or left of the plate (not refolded, but not crumpled either)

Napkin Etiquette

◦ Do not pop or shake your napkin to unfold it◦ A dinner napkin (large napkin) is folded in half and placed

across your legs, fold towards your body

Napkin Errors◦ Never tuck a napkin into your shirt, belt, waistband or

between buttons◦ Never wipe your mouth with your napkin. You may gently

blot your mouth with your napkin◦ Never dip your napkin or fingers in your water glass◦ Never spit anything into your napkin. Never dispose of

“unpleasantries” in a cloth napkin

Napkin Etiquette

American style is only used in the United States All other “Knife and Fork” countries use

International style◦ Sometimes called European or Continental style

Either style may be used

American or International?

Non-dominant hand is kept on your lap unless needed to cut food, butter bread, pass items, etc.

To cut food◦ Fork in non-dominant hand, tines pointing down,

index finger extended along handle◦ Knife in dominant hand, index finger extended along

handle◦ Pierce food with the fork to hold it in place◦ Cut up to three (3) bite-size pieces◦ Place knife across upper rim of plate (sharp edge

toward center of plate)◦ Transfer fork to dominant hand, holding it like a

pencil, tines up◦ Pierce or scoop one bite-size morsel and bring to

mouth

American Style [Doing The ZigZag]

To cut food◦ Fork in non-dominant hand, tines pointing down,

index finger extended along handle◦ Knife in dominant hand, index finger extended along

handle◦ Pierce food with the fork to hold it in place◦ Cut up to one (1) bite-size piece◦ Keep fork in your non-dominant hand◦ Pierce or scoop one bite-size morsel and bring to

mouth by swiveling the wrist. Fork tines still point down. Knife is still held in dominant hand but with the sharp

edge touching the plate. Knife may be used to help place food on the back of the

fork tines.

International Style

Rest position is used to indicate a pause or that you have left the table temporarily. Dinnerware will not be cleared until that course ends

Finished position signals that you have completed that course and the dinnerware may be removed

Rest and Finished Positions

At the start of the meal bread and a pat of butter may be placed on the bread plate

Break bread in two halves and return one half to the bread plate

Tear a bite-size piece from the half remaining in your hand

Return what remains of that half to the bread plate and pick up a small amount of butter on the butter knife

Butter the bite-size piece and eat

Note: If there is a knife rest for the butter knife, put that knife back on the rest with the handle on the table after using it

Bread and Butter

If served at a cocktail period, appetizers are usually considered finger food

If served as the first course at the dinner table, use of a provided implement is appropriate◦ If the shrimp are served tail-on, they may be held in the

fingers by the tail and eaten. Discarded tails are placed on the plate

◦ Jumbo shrimp are eaten one bite at a time. ◦ Shrimp cocktail may be eaten with a seafood fork. If the shrimp

are too large to eat in one bite, they should be cut on the plate using the knife

◦ If dipped in sauce prior to biting, do not redip the uneaten portion if the sauce is being shared with another guest

1. Appetizer

When serving soup◦ Place the soup plates or bowls on an under-plate

(serving plate) ◦ When the soup is finished or the spoon is laid down,

the spoon is left in the soup plate, not on the dish underneath. If the soup is served in a cup, the spoon is left on the saucer

2. Soup

Table manners for eating soup◦ Hold the soupspoon by resting the end of the handle

on your middle finger, with your thumb on top ◦ Dip the spoon sideways into the soup, then skim

away from you in the bowl. Sip quietly from the side of the spoon, do not slurp

◦ To retrieve the last spoonful of soup, slightly tip the bowl away from you and spoon in the way that works best

◦ If you want a bite of bread while eating your soup, don't hold the bread in one hand and your soupspoon in the other Instead, place the spoon on the soup plate, then use the same hand to take the bread to your mouth

2. Soup

If fish is presented whole◦ Remove the head by cutting behind the gills◦ Hold the fish using the fork and slit from the head to

the tail with a knife◦ Open the fish and lay it flat on the plate◦ To remove the skeleton from the body, place the tip

of the knife under the backbone, lift with the fork, and place the skeleton on the side plate

If you inadvertently ingest any fish bones, remove them with your fingers and place them on the side of the plate

Filleted fish is simply eaten with a knife and fork

3. Fish

Sorbet (frozen juice) may be served as a palate cleanser following a fish course

Sorbet will be served with its own small spoon

4. Sorbet

If Fowl and Meat are being offered, they will be separate courses, usually separated with a cheese course◦ If served as separate courses there will be separate

sets of tableware Chicken may be a finger food at a picnic but not

at a formal table. Use the knife and fork provided

5. Main Course

Salad is usually served after the main course at a formal dinner

Salad ingredients may be cut to bite-size using the salad knife and fork

Do not drink wine with the salad course, water is the beverage of choice

6. Salad

Very soft desserts (e.g. custards) are usually eaten with a dessert spoon

Firmer desserts (e.g. cake, pie) are usually eaten with a dessert fork

Dessert forks and spoons can be interchanged as needed or used together

7. Dessert

A cheese platter may be passed with bread and crackers◦ With the Salad (American)◦ Before dessert (French)◦ As a separate course after dessert (English)

May be served with fruit and nuts (English) If cheese and/or fruit and nuts are offered, a separate

dessert plate will be provided

Cheese Platter

Coffee may be served ◦ with dessert (American) ◦ or as a separate course after the dessert course

(European)

Coffee, Fruit, Nuts

And That Is Dinner“From Soup to Nuts”

Keep your elbows close to your sides when eating or cutting food

If something is out of reach, don’t rise out of your seat to get it. Ask for it to be passed

If a serving plate is being passed at the request of another guest, don’t snag food from it as it passes you. Wait until the requester has taken their portion then request that it be passed to you

Light conversation is expected ◦ Politics and religion are not discussed in the dining

area. ◦ Do not discuss business matters or engage in loud

or heated discussions

Simple Table Rules

After Dinner

Remarks/Keynote address Toast to Keynote Speaker (optional) Presentation of Gifts (if applicable) Benediction Retiring of Colors (if flags were posted) Entertainment (optional) Closing

◦ If there is an MC he/she will announce that the dinner is finished and provide information about further events

◦ Wait for the Head Table and Distinguished Guests to depart before leaving the table

After Dinner

Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition. Cherlynn Conetsco and Anna Hart (Naval Institute Press, Annapolis, MD) 2009

Department of the Army Pamphlet 600-60, A guide to Protocol and Etiquette for Official Entertainment. (HQ, Department of the Army, Washington, DC) 11 December 2001

The Protocol Red Book, The Complete Handbook of Diplomatic, Official and Social Usage. Mary Jane McCaffree, Pauline Innis, and Richard M. Sand (Center for Protocol Red Book Studies, LLC, Laverock, PA) 2013

Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice. Robert J. Rubel, PhD (The Nazca Plains Corporation, Las Vegas, NV) 2006

The Etiquette Scholar, http://www.etiquettescholar.com/dining_etiquette

The Emily Post Website, http://www.emilypost.com/ The Butlers Guild, http://www.butlersguild.com/

References and Resources

White Tie Black dress coat White pique wing-collared

shirt with stiff front Braces/Suspenders Shirt Studs and cuff links White vest White bow tie White or gray gloves Black patent shoes with

black dress socks

Formal (floor length) evening or ball gown

Long gloves (optional) Heels, medium or high

What to Wear

Black Tie Black tuxedo jacket and matching trousers

Formal white shirt Shirt Studs and cuff links Black bow tie Black cummerbund or

vest No gloves Black patent shoes with

black dress socks

Formal (floor length) evening gown

Dressy cocktail dress Your dressiest “little

black dress” 

What to Wear

Black Tie Optional Allows either Black Tie or Semiformal

Semiformal Dark business suit Matching vest (optional) Dress shirt Conservative tie Leather dress shoes with dark

dress socks

Cocktail dress A dressy “little black dress” Long dressy skirt and top Dressy separates

What to Wear