KIDS FIRST - Third Judicial Circuit of Michigan First.pdf · of Family Counseling at the Oakland...

KIDS FIRST

MOM AND DAD, WE NEED YOU!

KIDS FIRST / MOM AND DAD, WE NEED YOU!

An educational program for never married, separated, divorcing, or divorced parents with minor children.

Sponsored by: The Third Judicial Circuit of Michigan Access to all Friend of the Court programs, services and activities of the Third Circuit is available to individuals with disabilities as required by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 (Public Law 101-336). Individuals who believe that they are in need of accommodations should contact the Third Circuit Friend of the Court at 224-5272 (RDD – 224-7869).

THE CIRCUIT COURT FOR THE THIRD JUDICIAL CIRCUIT OF MICHIGAN

FAMILY DIVISION

FAMILY ASSESSMENT, MEDIATION & EDUCATION DEPARTMENT

645 Griswold, Ste. 933 Detroit, MI 48226

Penobscot Building (313) 224-5266

MISSION STATEMENT

The mission of the Wayne County Friend of the Court

is to investigate and enforce child support,

custody and parenting time issues relative to divorce,

paternity, family support, and interstate orders

of the Third Circuit Court, Family Division,

in a fair and efficient manner

and in accordance with State and Federal Law.


FAMILY DIVISION


645 Griswold, Ste. 933 Detroit, MI

48226


Kids First / Mom and Dad, We Need You

The Kids First / Mom and Dad, We Need You program was developed by a multi-disciplinary

team of experts to assist families with the consequences of divorce. The program explores the

effects of divorce on children of all ages. You will learn that it is important for a child to have a

healthy relationship with both parents, and the role that communication has in developing strong

relationships. The program also considers the destructive games that parents and children can

sometimes play.

As the Presiding Judge of the Family Division of the Third Circuit Court, I am constantly

reminded of the pain divorce causes the entire family. I have seen families transition through

divorce successfully. These families parent in a consistent manner and develop cooperative

parental relationships. The Kids First / Mom and Dad, We Need You program will provide

parents with the education necessary to promote a child’s healthy adjustment to divorce.

Sincerely,

Honorable Kathleen M. McCarthy

Third Judicial Circuit Court

Presiding Judge, Domestic Relations-Family Division


FAMILY DIVISION


645 Griswold, Ste. 933 Detroit, MI 48226


MISSION STATEMENT

The Family Assessment, Mediation, and Education Department

(FAME)

Of the Third Circuit Court – Family Division

Wayne County Friend of the Court,

provides families with alternative dispute resolution

and evaluations concerning custody, parenting time,

and other family issues, in a fair and efficient manner

and in accordance with State and Federal Law.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION………………………………………………….. 1

KIDS FIRST / MOM AND DAD, WE NEED YOU……………… 2

DIVORCE…………………………………………………………... 3

HOW DIVORCED PARENTS FEEL……………………………. 4

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEMSELVES………………….. 6

HOW CHILDREN OF DIVORCE FEEL ……………………….. 10

AGE GROUP COMMON REACTIONS………………………… 12

DIVORCE GAMES – NOBODY WINS………………………….. 13

GAMES CHILDREN PLAY………..………………………….….. 16

CHILDREN SHOULD BE KEPT OUT OF THE MIDDLE…….. 18

12 THOUGHTS OF CHILDREN CAUGHT IN CONFLICT…… 20

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR CHILDREN……………... 23

COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT…………………………… 25

CO-PARENTING……….…………………………………………... 26

WORDS.…………………………………………………………….... 29

PARENTING TIME.………………………………………………… 30

WAYNE COUNTY CIRCUIT COURT

CO-PARENTING…………………………………………… 31

A PARENTS PLEDGE……………………………………………… 36

CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS……………………..…………… 37

CONCLUSION…………..………………………………………….. 38

SUGGESTED READINGS………………………………………….. 39

RESOURCES…………………………………………………………. 40

INTRODUCTION

This booklet is for never married, separated, divorcing, or divorced parents.

1. To provide information to help parents better understand the effects of not living together as a family.

2. To help parents understand the needs of their children. 3. To promote children’s healthy adjustment to the parents break up. 4. Educate both parents about the importance of both parents’ meaningful

involvement with their child/children. 5. Provide relevant information that can assist parents in becoming more

confident in their ability to parent effectively.

The information has been drawn from the experience of counseling and other professional in the field of divorce and family conflict. Because each divorce or family situation is unique, readers are encouraged to consult other services available to divorce parents and their children. These include psychological services, legal services, conflict resolution and mediation agencies, and books or articles relating to parents who were never married or parents, who have or are going through a divorce or break up.

Originally the booklet was written and compiled by Lorraine N. Osthaus, Director of Family Counseling at the Oakland County Friend of the Court. The suggested readings list was prepared by Alice R. McCarthy, Ph.D., Director Advisory Board Column, Parent Talk Page, Detroit Free Press and President of the Center Advancement of the Family. Special thanks are extended to them and to the Oakland County Circuit Court for their contribution to the KIDS FIRST program.

The booklet was revised March 2013, by Priscilla Wells, Domestic Relations Supervisor at the Third Circuit Court-Family Division Wayne County Friend of the Court.

The KIDS FIRST / MOM AND DAD, WE NEED YOU program is an expression of the deep concern of the Third Judicial Circuit for the welfare of divorcing and never married parents and their children.

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KIDS FIRST

Each year, in the United States, over one million marriages end in divorce. When divorce happen, people feel alone and wonder how anyone else lived through it. Kids First / Mom And Dad, We Need You is a combined program for never married, separation, or divorced parents with minor children in Wayne County.

The Third Judicial Circuit Court has worked with thousands of divorcing families having difficulties with time-sharing, parenting roles, and other divorce related issues. This information will provide important information about the effect of divorce and what parents can do to make the divorce situation livable by putting children first.

MOM AND DAD, WE NEED YOU!

The National Center for Health Statistics report that nearly 40 percent of babies born in the United States were delivered by unwed mothers. In the City of Detroit, Michigan the number is closer to three-fourths and in Wayne County, the number is over one-half.

The adult relationships that produce these children may have been a brief or may have been lengthy that lasted years. Children born outside of marriages sometimes have negative reactions when they are old enough to understand their parents were never married. All children need both their mother and father involved in their life, regardless of whether or not the parents are together. The children deserve this commitment. Raising children is difficult enough and when the parents are not together it becomes even harder.

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HOW DIVORCED PARENTS FEEL

When parents separate or divorce, it may take months or years for feelings to change. While the process can be different for each person, most divorced people gradually pass through several stages. The middle stages may occur in any order, and some people may deal with the issues more than once.

DENIAL - in the beginning, the person may not be able to believe that the marriage is over. Denial protects against shock. It insulates the person from fear about the loss of the relationship and the feelings of rejection, loneliness and depression. Some people react by becoming withdrawn and isolated. Others become highly active to block out the pain.

BARGAINING - The person tries to think of ways that the relationship may be saved. A parent may ask the other parent to become involved in counseling, to stop engaging in some behavior or to participate in activities together. Some people may make a deal with themselves to do something they believe will save the marriage or help them overcome the loss of the relationship.

ANGER – The person starts to realize that his or her needs have not been met in the relationship. Anger surfaces, the person may be mad at himself/herself or the (ex) spouse.

DEPRESSION – When the person begins to admit that the separation or end of the relationship is permanent, grief at the loss of the relationship is common. Fear

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about being alone and on one’s own surfaces. These feelings drain a person and make it difficult to think about the future.

ACCEPTANCE – In time, the person usually begins to feel better and adjusts to the changes. Anger, grief and guilt dissolve, and the person is better able to focus on the future. Life becomes stable and hope emerges.

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HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEMSELVES

Parents face a number of problems when they divorce. Divorce brings them into new situations for which they may not have solutions. Some problems and how to handle them include . . . .

BEING ON ONE’S OWN – After years of marriage and togetherness, loneliness may set in. Activities that brought enjoyment may no longer be interesting. Parents may feel isolated. It helps to establish new patterns that make one feel OK.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

Visit friends and family often, talk to them on the phone, do things with them.

Get involved in a support group to talk about the problems and solutions or go to counseling.

Expect that there will be times when nothing seems to be going right, but remember that things usually get better.

Develop new interests or hobbies – take classes, do volunteer work, join organizations, exercise.

Make new friends.

HAVING LESS TIME FOR THE CHILDREN – During separation and divorce, parents are trying to cope with changed and increased responsibilities and being on their own. This is also a time when the children need more affection and attention. There is too little of the parent to go around.


Ask family and friends for assistance.

Be sure that each child has special attention and time. Find an activity that both parent and child can enjoy.

Leave or send notes of love and appreciation to the children.

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Ask friends and neighbors to help with child care or exchange child care with them.

Go for counseling or join a support group.

Use lists to organize activities

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TAKING CARE OF THE HOME – where the children live with a parent most of the time or a smaller part of the time, being a single parent is a challenge. The demands of the job and meeting the needs of the children care a burden for one adult. Home chores may seem like the last straw.


Let some things go or change regular routines to adjust to the demands.

Divide the chores and let the children be responsible for taking care of possessions and their own rooms.

Look in to the possibility of using cleaning services for a half day to handle some of the chores.

Allow the children to contribute to family problem solving. BALANCING MONEY PROBLEMS – After the divorce, two separate homes must be maintained. Where previously there may have been two incomes, now there is one. It is hard to make ends meet.


Look for free or inexpensive activities and entertainment.

Make a budget and stick to it.

Get financial counseling if necessary.

Before starting a second family, remember obligations to the first family.

Find out about assistance programs – food stamps, Medicaid.

BALANCING PERSONAL TIME AND CHILDREN NEEDS – At some point, parents may want to begin to socialize and meet new people. It makes life more enjoyable and makes it easier to handle problems. Children may feel left out, confused, or angry.


Let children know that they are loved and that parents as well as children need time to do things they enjoy.

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Do no expose children to casual relationships with members of the opposite sex. If

a serious relationship develops, introduce the person slowly into the children lives.

Include the children once in a while in a social activity that everyone can enjoy.

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HOW CHILDREN OF DIVORCE FEEL

Divorce is painful for children. The effects of divorce vary with children’s ages and depend on the circumstances surrounding the divorce. While every child is different and may react in different ways to divorce, there are some common reactions by age group that parents may see.

YOUNG CHILDREN

Preschool children live in a small world mostly made up of parents and family. They have not had many experiences. They react to what is happening in an emotional way and cannot understand the divorce on an intellectual level. Divorce is confusing and preschool children may be afraid that they will be abandoned or have nowhere to live. They cry, cling or become demanding. They may blame themselves for the divorce and feel guilty.

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ELEMENTARY AGE CHILDREN

Children of ages 5-12 are expanding their world to include peers and school rather than just family. They react to what is happening by thinking about it and questioning. They worry about many things and believe in living by rules and that life is fair. Children in this age group deeply feel the loss of the family when divorce happens. Loyalty conflicts are common. Children may respond by feeling abandoned and insecure. Because of the loss of one parent, they fear that something will happen to the parent with whom they live most of the time. Problems at school and with friends may surface. Younger children in this age group often feel very sad at the breakup of the family while the older children may have very deep anger.

YOUNG TEENAGERS

Young teenagers are in a stage where they are going through rapid physical, social and emotional growth. Often they are confused moody and feel insecure. At times they may act like a little child by clinging or being demanding to parents. Other time they reject parents and attach to friends. When parents divorce, early adolescents have more stress which may result in their feeling rejected and ashamed or angry at their parents to camouflage their sense of vulnerability. Problems with sleeping, health, school or friends may arise. When parents vie for their allegiance, loyalty conflicts result in guilty, depression and despair.

OLDER TEENAGERS

This stage may be stormiest for the parents and child relationships. Older teenagers are trying on different roles and in the process of establishing their identities. Divorce may make teenagers feel hurried to achieve independence when they aren’t ready, and they become overwhelmed by unsolvable problems and feelings of incompetence. Teenagers may test their parents’ concern for them. This age group may become preoccupied with the survival of relationships and mourn the loss of the family of their childhood. They feel embarrassed and resentful toward parents who are perceived as giving their own needs priority.

The following chart presents common reactions of children to divorce and family break up, and some reactions may overlap age groups. Research is ongoing about the long range effects of divorce.

AGE GROUP

COMMON REACTIONS

BABIES AND TODDLERS

Trouble sleepingAfraid to leave parent; clinging Crankiness Crying Slowing down in learning new skills

CHILDREN AGES 3-5 YEARS

Blame selves for divorce and feel guiltyConfusion Fear of abandonment Aggression, temper tantrums Return to security items Lapses in toilet training Try to convince selves all is OK Emotionally needy


SadnessCrying and sobbing Feel abandoned and rejected Loyalty conflicts Sense of helplessness Hope parents reconcile Anger


Deep angerPhysical complaints Sense of loss Shame Resentment Fear of loneliness Divided loyalties-anger toward the parent they blame for the divorce

TEENAGERS

Feelings of betrayalAnger Embarrassment Resentment Hard to concentrate Chronic fatigue May feel hurried to achieve independence May be overly dependent May test parents’ concern for them May align with one parent Worry about survival of relationships and own future marriage Money worries

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DIVORCE GAMES – NOBODY WINS

Divorce is painful, and people who are hurting often act out in ways that hurt other people. They may play “divorce games” in which they attempt to use or manipulate someone in order to gain control over their lives, but the games are not fun and they’re not good for anyone involved. The games are usually not intentional – they sort of just happen unless one recognizes them and avoids them. In the beginning of the divorce, people may actually “win” at one or two of the games. They then feel that they got something out of the mess and have some kind of control over the situation. However, divorce games result in the players feeling guilty, untrustworthy, and depressed, and children are hurt. No one wins in divorce games. GAMES PARENTS PLAY: I SPY – a parent sometimes asks a child a lot of questions about what is going on in the other parent’s home – questions about whether mom or dad has a boyfriend or girlfriend, if the new boyfriend or girlfriend is spending the night, if mom or dad is drinking or using drugs, if mom/dad has questions about him or her. Sometimes the questions are to satisfy curiosity, but sometimes they are to hurt the other parent or to hurt the parent asking the questions. At times the questions are to help a parent feel better about himself or herself. TUG OF WAR – Parents sometimes continue their conflicts after the divorce. Each side looks for support for his/her side because then parents can assure themselves that they are “right” and “okay” because the child is on their side.

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Children are caught in the middle and feel as though they are being ripped apart. Children usually lose respect for both parents and themselves because children are a part of both parents. MESSENGER – Warring parents cannot stand to talk to each other and sometimes do not want to take the chance of making the other parent angry. So they ask children to take messages to the other parent – “You are two weeks behind in child support and when are you going to pay?” “The house is still half mine and you better make sure the furnace is repaired.” “If I don’t get Christmas this year, I won’t pay child support.” Children should not be involved in parents’ fights. Children need to love both parents because it makes them feel better about themselves. I’VE GOT YOU BABE – when parents’ divorce, they become overwhelmed and feel less than whole. They feel alone and miss the companionship and help with responsibilities that were part of the marriage. They may count on children to fill the gap and look to children for emotional support or to be the “little mother” or “man” of the house. Children feel used when thrust into the role of being the parent’s friend or helpmate. They often must grow up before they are ready and miss out on being children. THE MONEY GAME – Parents often have a financial crunch when they become single parents. They sometimes let children know how worried they are when bills are overdue. They may blame the other parent for their money problems. This behavior scares children and makes them feel insecure. They may become preoccupied with thoughts about how they can bring money into the home or they may think that if they are not there, the parent will be able to cope. I’M STARTING OVER – Sometimes divorce makes parents feel that they are starting over and that they are young again. They may adopt clothing or hair styles of teenagers. They may stay out late or not come home until morning. Children find it embarrassing and confusing when parents act like “one of the kids” I OWE MY KID – Parents know that divorce hurts children, and they feel guilty. Some try to make it up to the children by letting them off the hook with chores and

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responsibilities or by buying the children wonderful presents, sometimes going without things themselves to do it. Children know when parents are trying to buy their love. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Children need the consistency of still having to do their regularly assigned chores, and they need love and attention. OVER MY DEAD BODY – Sometimes parents play custody and visitation games. They try to get even with the other parent for some hurt that occurred in the marriage or caused the divorce. They try to keep the children from the other parent or they try to gain custody to break the other parent financially through court battles. , to show that they are the better parent, or to intimidate the other parent to gain something else. Children feel at fault in these games; if they were not around, they would not be a vehicle for the parents to continue to fight. They believe that their feelings do not matter because the parents are so consumed with fighting the war. NAME CALLING – A parent may say negative or nasty comments about the other parent in the presence of the children. The parent is hurt or angry and may even believe that the children should know the “truth” about the other parent. Children do not feel good about themselves when part of them comes from the “no good” parent. Children need to learn for themselves the strengths and shortfalls of each parent. They want and need a good relationship with both parents. GUIDED MISSLE – A parent may try to use children as a weapon to change the other parent’s behavior or to try to get something from the other parent. The parent may refuse to pay child support because he/she believes the other parent is using it for entertainment or new clothes. The parent may refuse parenting time because a new girlfriend/boyfriend is in the life of the other parent and that parent is now “immoral” or not giving enough time to the children. This behavior is unfair to children. Children should not be used as a pawn for a parent to retaliate against the other parent.

GAMES CHLDREN PLAY

I’LL BE ON YOUR SIDE IF YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT – Children sometimes tell a parent what the other parent has given them or the places the other parent has taken them to try to gain similar advantages from that parent. Children sometimes tell a parent the grievances they have about the other parent to make that parent play into their hands. Parents need to realize that children are not always accurate reporters and that they do try to manipulate situation to their advantage.

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BUT MOM (OR DAD) SAID YES – This game also is played by children to get their own way at the expense of one of the parents. Children know the kinds of events or activities that one parent may allow, but not the other. This game particularly works well if the parent who allows the activity is outside the home. The children enlist that parent’s support and if the other parent says no, children drop the bombshell – “But dad/mom said it would be ok”. This also works when parents have different rules or responsibilities for the children. If possible, separated or divorced parents should continue to try to present a united front. Children need to know that they will be held accountable for not following parental rules regardless of placement, mother or father’s home. BLACKMAIL – Children may try to manipulate a parent when they are feeling threatened by change or want their own way. Children may tell a parent they will not follow the parenting time schedule or they will go and live with the other parent if the parent has a new girlfriend/boyfriend, is going to remarry, tells the children they can’t do something, or disciplines the children. If this game is not brought to a halt, children gain power over the parent. Children need to understand that there are rules and consequences and that parent has to get on with their lives too. I’LL GET EVEN WITH YOU – Children rarely understand the ramification for consequences of their behavior during games. Sometimes children display hurt and anger by acting differently from the ways they behaved before. Some children may be withdrawn or act violently toward themselves or others. Sometimes the child at home may be different from the child at school. Parents who are understanding and have good communication with children may be able to address the problems and help children resolve the feelings of hurt and anger. Some children may need professional help and should be involved in counseling.

CHILDREN SHOULD BE KEPT OUT OF THE MIDDLE

Parents should talk directly to each other about child-related information parents need to discuss. If talking is not possible, communicate in writing. Children should not be used as messengers.

A parent should not ask children what goes on in the other parent’s home. This is a violation of children’s trust.

Parents should not argue in front of the children. Parents should manage their feelings, and if they cannot, they should end the conversation until they are able to do so.

Parents should never expect or encourage their children to take sides. If children tell a parent that the other parent lets them stay up late or lets

them eat sweets for dinner, a parent should tell children that they must follow the rules of the household and that the other parent cannot be told what to do in his/her home.

A parent should not withhold the children from the other parent or refuse to pay child support. Children should not be used as weapons to get back at the other parent.

Parents should be on time for the exchange of children for time sharing. This sets a good example for children and does not disrupt children’s routines.

Parents should use common courtesy and be civil and business-like in their dealings with each other.

Parents should not jump to conclusions before getting all the information. A parent should not compare children unfavorable with the other parent. A parent should not expect children to take the place of the absent parent or

depend on the children for emotional support. Children need to be children.

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Parents should follow up agreements, in writing, about vacation dates, trips to the doctor or dentist, and changes in time sharing to avoid confusion and double scheduling.

Parents should negotiate with one another about changes in time sharing or responsibilities for the children that each parent will assume. Negotiation requires giving and taking by both parents.

Parents should recognize that as children grow and develop, time sharing and parents’ responsibilities may have to change to meet the changing needs of the children.

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12 Thoughts of Children Caught In Conflict

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1. “I’m so ashamed. I’m humiliated. Other kids’ families aren’t like this.”

“Children believe they are responsible for all of the major occurrences in their lives-including parental fightings.” - Edward Teyber, Helping Children Cope with Divorce. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1992, p. 82.

2. “I’m scared. I don’t know what will happen next.”

“In a home marked by conflict and unpredictability, children do not have a deep and abiding trust in their caretakers.” – Elizabeth M. Ellis, Divorce Wars: Intervention with Families in Conflict. Baltimore: Port City Press, 2000, p. 49.

3. “I need to fix this. It’s dangerous if I don’t.”

“Having lost the family as a unit, children are apprehensive about the future….Some youngsters feel they have lost any semblance of control over their lives…. Their fear and sense of powerlessness are heightened when children witness scenes in which their parents are at each other’s throats.” – Stanton E. Samenow, In the Best Interest of the Child: How to Protect Your Child

from the Pain of Divorce. New York: Crown Publishers, 2002, pp. 19-21.

4. “This is my mom and dad. I must have the faults they see in each other.”

“Parental conflict not only sends kids messages about love, marriage, and relationships, it speaks volumes to them about who they are. To a child’s ears, any comment about his parent – positive or negative – is a judgment of him. Any critical barb about your ex goes right to your child’s heart.” – M. Gary Neuman, Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. New York: Random House, 1998, p. 202.

5. “I need to figure out who’s right and pick sides.”

“Children experiencing intense conflict have to take sides because they can’t manage the internal tension and anxiety they feel.” – Philip M. Stahl, Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children’s Needs. Atascadero. California: Impact Publishers, Inc., 2000, p 20.

6. “I can’t talk about my real hurt and real fears.”


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“Children also find it difficult to talk about sensitive topics and feelings . . . . because they fear they might escalate the fight. . . .Instead, some turn inward, trying to make do with their own meager resources.” – Janet Johnston, Karen Breunig, Carla Garrity, Mitchell Caris, Through the Eyes of Children: Healing Stories for Children of Divorce. New York: The Free Press, 1997, pp. xiv-xvii

7. “I need to tell people what they want to hear.”

“In the battle between you, they learn to be polished diplomats. They’ll tell each of you what you want most to hear – not because they’re liars but because they want to desperately to soothe each of you, to calm you down, to reduce their fears that you’ll become enraged. They’re afraid of your anger, they pity you, and they want you to feel better.” – Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, What About the Kids? New York: Hyperion, 2003, p. 204.

8. “I will make one parent angry (or hurt) if I need or love my other parent.”

“In divorce . . . . the choices that are put before children do not lead to a sense of control. Rather, they often

lead to the child being place in a position of feeling like they are betraying one parent or the other (or both).” – Jeffrey Zimmerman and Elizabeth S. Thayer, Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy. Oakland, California: New Harbiner Publications, Inc. 2003, p 61.

9. “If I weren’t here, this wouldn’t be happening.”

“Because they are often the centerpiece of their parents’ arguments with each other, to varying degrees, these children feel responsible for causing the disputes, yet must feel helpless to control or stop the conflict.” – Janet Johnston, Karen Breunig, Carla Garrity, Mitchell Caris, Through the Eyes of Children: Healing Stories for Children of Divorce. New York: The Free Press, 1997

10. “I can’t do anything right. I deserve whatever bad happens to me.”

“Children in high-conflict homes are more likely to view themselves . . . . in overly negative and hostile ways.” – E. Mark Cummings and Patrick Davies, Children and Marital Conflict: The Impact of Family


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Dispute and Resolution. New York: The Guilford Press, 1994, p. 5

11. "I’d do anything to feel better or to fit in.”

“Conflicts between parents are likely to cause self-destructive behaviors in children.” – Philip M. Stahl, Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children’s Needs. Atascadero, California: Impact Publishers, Inc., 2000, p. 25.

12. “I don’t care anymore. It hurts too much to care. The world doesn’t care about me – any I don’t care about the world.”

“Ongoing post-divorce conflict reinforces the child’s belief that bad things will continue to happen to him or her in the future and that he or she is helpless to do anything about it. – Elizabeth M. Ellis, Divorce Wars: Intervention with Families in Conflict. Baltimore: Port City Press, 2000 p. 197.

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR CHILDREN

Divorce often results in children feeling overwhelmed by the losses and changes they are experiencing. It takes time to adjust, and the time needed varies from child to child. Parents can help their children cope with divorce. CHILDREN NEED PREDICTABILITY • Children who can maintain regular routines are less likely to be overwhelmed

by the changes divorce brings. Parents should do their best to build and maintain healthy and smooth environments.

• Children need frequent and regular contacts with both parents. • Children need personal space to call their own, even if it is just a corner. • Parents should exercise caution when introducing new boyfriends or

girlfriends to children. Children often feel confused about their sense of loyalty, and parents’ casual relationships may contribute to children’s sense of insecurity and instability.

CHILDREN NEED RELATIONSHIPS WITH BOTH PARENTS • A parent needs to stress the good points about the other parent and avoid

name calling, saying bad things, or blaming the other parent for problems. • A parent should keep family photos available, including photos of the other

parent. • A parent should allow children to express their love for the other parent and

talk about their experiences with the other parent. • If children complain about one parent, the other parent should encourage

children to take the complaint to the person responsible rather than agree with the children. A parent has no control over the other parent.

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• A parent should encourage the other parent’s involvement in the children’s school or other activities and advise of parent/teacher conferences, provide report cards and give other information pertaining to the welfare of the children.

• A parent should assist children to buy cards and gifts for the other parent. • Parents should telephone, write, make tapes and send cards if they are not

able to see their children regularly.

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COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT

Parents should tell children about the divorce together if possible. Children need to know, sometimes over and over, how they will be affected

by the divorce, where they will go to school, where they will live, when they will see the other parents, friends and relatives, and who will take care of them should something happen to the parent with whom they live most of the time.

Children need reassurance that they are not to blame for the divorce. Parents should discuss divorce-related issues in terms the children can

understand. It is helpful to avoid terms such as “custody” and “visitation”. Parents should encourage children to talk about the divorce and their

feelings and discuss problems openly. Parents should be an emotional support for their children but should not rely on children to be their emotional support.

Parents need to accept children’s mood swings and emotional outbursts and not take them personally. Counseling or support groups may help children resolve their feelings.

Children should be helped to accept the reality of the divorce and not be given false hope of reunion.

Parents should not allow their past conflicts to interfere with present decisions regarding children.

Parents should approach single parenting with a positive attitude and speak encouragingly about the future. Children need to know that a parent is strong and going to take care of them.

Parents should express their love and commitment to the children to help them feel secure.

Children’s adjustment to divorce depends on how parents handle the divorce. Parents are role models for children and need to set a good example for them. Children imitate the behaviors and attitudes of their parents. When parents are able to lay aside their anger and resentment toward the other parent and handle the divorce in a mature and positive way, children benefit and are assisted in making a healthy adjustment to divorce. The greatest gift divorced parents can give their children is to allow them to have a loving, satisfying relationship with both parents and not expose them to continued conflict and hostility.

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CO-PARENTING

Though divorce has ended a marriage, parenting remains. Children will begin to adjust and heal more readily after the trauma of divorce if cooperative parenting is established. After divorce, one parent usually is responsible for the primary care and maintenance of the children. The other parent has parenting time with the children, time which is either defined by an order of the court or is agreed upon by both parents. At first, time sharing for child raising may seem to complicate an already stressful situation. Divorced parents may find that their roles and expectations are undefined and cloudy. It takes time, effort, and planning on the part of parents to be able to provide a safe environment that helps children recover from the divorce and feel good about them. Following are some guidelines and suggestions to facilitate parenting and time sharing. BEING CONSISTENT- It is crucial that parents are regular and consistent about time sharing. Children need to know that they will be made available for time sharing and picked up and returned at scheduled times. If an emergency arises that requires a change in time sharing or if parenting time will be not exercised, each parent has the responsibility of notifying the other parent as far in advance as possible. The children should be supplied with adequate clothing for the parenting time, and the clothing is to be retuned at the end of the parenting time. If the children are on medication, the medication, the dosage, and the times the medication is to be taken

26

should be made available to the parent. Any information which pertains to the welfare of the children should be shared by parents. GOING BETWEEN HOUSEHOLDS–Children may complain, become withdrawn, or act out when it is time to go between the parents’ homes. A parent may believe that something negative is happening in the other parent’s home because of the children’s behavior. This behavior is usually normal and not necessarily an indication that anything is wrong. Children may be involved in an activity that they don’t want to interrupt. Children miss the parent they are not with and go through an adjustment when getting ready to leave each parent’s home. REBUILDING TRUST- It is essential that divorced parents make efforts to rebuild trust between themselves. Having a degree of trust helps reduce conflicts. One way to rebuild trust is to honor agreements made between parents. Broken agreements result in anger, disappointment, resentment, and retaliation. Parents should tell each other the truth. If plans need to be changed or something of concern happens during the time the children are with a parent, the situation should be discussed calmly with the other parent. check out children’s stories with other parent and recognize that children are not always accurate in their portrayal of events. SHARING AND PARTICIPATING IN ACTIVITIES-Because of the newness of the divorce and the changes in roles, it is helpful to outline a list of specific activities for the parent time. Choose activities that are appropriate to children’s ages and interests. Reading books together, picnics, walks, biking, cooking, games, and trips to parks, the zoo, museums, and the library are some activities. Parents may have skills to pass along to their children. Working on the car, computer, or sewing machine assists children to grow in skills and independence and share in an activity that the parent enjoys. A parent’s role does not necessarily begin and end with scheduled parenting time. The parent also may participate in parent/teacher conferences, attend school functions, help children with homework, or assist in taking the children to medical appointments and their social or sports activities. Participating and sharing in activities allows parents to remain involved with their children. However, both parents need to establish “normal” routines with chores, bedtimes, rules and standards for behavior, and regular meals to help children feel secure and stable.

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SOLVING PROBLEMS-Parents need to communicate about parenting. When problems arise, the first impulse may be to blame the other parent. Anger and blaming are barriers that interfere with communication. Communication requires special skills and compromise. When there is a problem, parents need a plan. First, ask yourself: When parents meet for problem Solving: Is this a child-related problem? Bringing problems that have to do with marriage or divorce issues of the parents is not part of the business of parenting. Arrange a time and place that is convenient for both parents. Does this problem have to do with the children’s health, education, or time sharing? Divorced parents may have to limit discussions to these three topics. Limit discussion time to 30 minutes. When discussion time goes longer, emotions may get out of hand. Only cover a few issues in one session. Start with the easy problems and move on to the more difficult. Is a change in the time sharing schedule convenient for me only or does it accommodate the other parent or the children? Be specific about what you mean. Set ground rules that there will be no personal attacks or name calling. Can the problem wait or does it need to be discussed as soon as possible. If you disagree, look for ways that each parent can give a little. Make a list of the issues to be discussed and your proposals. Let it sit for a few days to see if you have any changes or need more information arranging a meeting. Write down any agreements you make and make sure that each of you has a copy. Once a decision is made, put it away and don’t try to re-think it.

WORDS

A CHILD NEEDS TO HEAR FROM BOTH PARENTS

I am so lucky to have you.

You are a great helper.

I like it when you try so hard.

Let’s talk about it.

I am sorry.

You are very special to me.

Thank you for being patient.

You are a great kid.

I love you.

Michigan Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse

PARENTS

Growing up with a parent that is absence harms children for three primary reasons: A disrupted family usually has fewer financial resources to devote to children's upbringing andeducation, less time and energy to nurture and supervise children, and reduced access tocommunity resources that can supplement and support parents' efforts. Fortunately, none ofthese factors are beyond the control of parents and society. Thus, to the extent that parentsand government can address these risk factors, the effect of a parent’s absence on children's wellbeing could be significantly softened.

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PARENTING TIME

Michigan statues recognize that when parents separate or divorce, their child(ren)’s best interest is served by continuation of the parent/child relationship. So strong is this recognition that the law establishes a presumption that it is in the best interests of a child(ren) to have a strong relationship with both parents. Therefore, parenting time should be of a frequency, duration and type reasonably calculated to promote a strong relationship between the child(ren) and the parent. The child(ren) has a right to parenting time unless parenting time would endanger the child(ren)’s physical, mental or emotional health (MCL 722, 27a). Section 7(1)(b) of the Child Custody act states: “Parenting time of the child by the parent is governed by Section 7a.” Section 7a(1) begins with the statement, “Parenting time shall be granted in accordance with the best interests of the child.” Case law has established that Section 3, which provides the statutory definition of “best interests of the child”, is applicable to parenting time issues.

Parenting Time

Reserved

Supervised

Unsupervised

Reasonable and Liberal

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* NOTICE: This Parenting Time Order will remain in effect until specifically modified by the Court.

Revised: August 20, 2014

Page 1 of 6

WAYNE COUNTY CIRCUIT COURT CO-PARENTING ORDER

GENERAL PARENTING TIME

PURPOSE OF PLAN: The following policy is for use when the parents live reasonably close to one another, the

child(ren) has an established relationship with the non-custodial parent, there is no history of cohabitation, and the parties

cannot otherwise agree on parenting time. The parties may mutually agree to modify this parenting-time schedule. If the

parties are able to reach an agreement as to parenting time, the parties can use the blank calendars included in this guide to

mark the days and times each parent will have parenting time.

COURT’S PHILOSOPHY: Both parents should facilitate and encourage the relationship the children have with the

other parent.

TIPS:

** Make exchanges easier for your children by following predictable schedules, avoiding conflict with the other parent in

front of your child(ren), and supporting your (child(ren)’s relationship with the other parent.

** The child(ren) should be permitted to take toys and/or important personal items with him/her back and forth to each

parents’ home. The child(ren)’s belongings shall be returned to the home of the parent who provided the item.

** Do not disparage or allow third parties to disparage the other parent to or in the presence of the child(ren).

** Do not discuss court issues with the child(ren).

INFANT AND TODDLER PARENTING POLICY

The age of a child(ren) is an important issue in determining the frequency and duration of parenting time. Earlier in a

child(ren)’s development, the child(ren) will need more frequent contact with each parent, but the duration of the contact

should be shorter. As a child(ren) becomes older, the contact may become less frequent but of greater duration. So, for

most infants, short contacts are the best way to build relationships without overwhelming the infant with too much change

in routine or environment. Each infant will have different needs and established routines that will also be considered by

the Court. Examples would be whether the child(ren) is nursing, does the child(ren) go to daycare, has the child(ren) ever

spent the night with grandparents or other relatives, etc.

Age: Schedule

0 – 12 months Two contacts of up to 2 hours each AND one 6 hour contact

per week. NO overnights.

If the parents are unable to agree, the days for the parenting

time shall be:

Monday and Wednesday 12PM to 2PM or 5:30 PM to

7:30PM

*PARENTAL TIME OFFSET FOR THIS PLAN:

Saturday or Sunday 1PM to 7PM.

See Pages 3-5 for the appropriate Holiday schedule.

365 overnights for CP/0 overnights for NCP

Age: Schedule

12 - 36 months Every Tuesday at 6PM until 8:30PM and alternate

weekends.

ALTERNATE WEEKEND time is defined as Friday 6PM

until Saturday 6PM OR Saturday 6PM until Sunday 6PM




Page 2 of 6

*PARENTAL TIME OFFSET FOR THIS PLAN: 313 overnights for CP/52 overnights for NCP

Age: Schedule

36 months and up Every Tuesday at 6PM until Wednesday to school/daycare/

or custodial parent, no later than 10AM AND alternate

weekends.

ALTERNATE WEEKEND time is defined as Friday 6PM

until Sunday 6PM

*PARENTAL TIME OFFSET FOR THIS PLAN:


249 overnights for CP/116 overnights for NCP

Please note: This schedule is meant to promote frequency and consistency of contact, which is important for young

children. Equally important is a transitional period to prepare the child(ren)for extended time with both parents. The

FOC and the Family Assessment Mediation and Education (FAME) Department can assist the parties in setting a

customized parenting time schedule upon filing a Parenting Time Motion.

Summer Break (beginning at age 12 months): Each parent shall have one week (7 consecutive overnights) of

uninterrupted parenting time each month in July and August. If the parties do not agree in writing (signed by both parties)

on their summer parenting time, it shall be exercised as follows:

The parenting time for the noncustodial parent shall commence on the second Sunday in July at 6PM and

continue until the following Sunday at 6PM. In August, the parenting time shall commence on the third Sunday

at 6PM and continue until the following Sunday at 6PM. The parenting time for the custodial parent shall

commence on the third Sunday in July at 6PM and continue until the following Sunday at 6PM. In August, the

parenting time shall commence on the second Sunday at 6PM and continue until the following Sunday at 6PM.

Summer Parenting Time is defined as the period between the day school is dismissed at the end of the school year

until the day school reconvenes in the Fall.

HOLIDAY PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE

CHILDREN AGE 0-12 MONTHS: The non-custodial parent shall exercise parenting time on Thanksgiving, Christmas

Day and Easter Sunday for three hours. If the parties are unable to agree as to the times the non-custodial parent will

exercise this holiday parenting time, it shall be from 12PM– 3PM The non-custodial parent shall exercise parenting time

on the child’s first birthday for three hours, based upon the work schedules of the parties.

FOR FAMILIES WITH

SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN IN

COMMON (AGE 36 MOS+)**

FOR FAMILIES WITHOUT

SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN IN

COMMON (AGE 12 – 36 MOS)

HOLIDAY EVEN YEARS ODD YEARS EVEN YEARS ODD YEARS

Memorial Day Mother Father Mother Father

Fourth of July Weekend Father Mother Father Mother

Labor Day Weekend Mother Father Mother Father

Halloween Father Mother Father Mother

Child’s Birthday Mother Father Mother Father

Thanksgiving Weekend Father Mother Father Mother

Christmas/Holiday Break See Below See Below

• Christmas Eve Mother Father

• Christmas Day Father Mother

• New Year’s Eve Mother Father



Page 3 of 6

• New Year’s Day Father Mother

Spring Break Father Mother

Easter Weekend (if not

included in Spring Break)

Mother Father Mother Father

Mid-Winter Break Father Mother

OTHER RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS: The above holiday parenting time schedule includes the most common government

and religious holidays recognized by most school districts. If your family practices additional religious holidays (listed or

otherwise) such as Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Baha’, Jain, Pagan, Shinto, or Sikh parenting time shall alternate

from year to year, and the time for those holidays shall be from 7:30AM – 7:30PM unless the parties agree otherwise.

** A FAMILY WITH SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN IS DEFINED AS A FAMILY WHERE AT LEAST ONE OF

THE MIONOR CHILDREN IN COMMON HAS REACHED THE AGE OF 36 MONTHS. THE INTENT OF

THIS PARENTING PLAN IS TO ENSURE THAT ALL CHILDREN IN COMMON ARE SPENDING

HOLIDAY TIME TOGETHER.

If the holiday and/or school break parenting time abuts a parent’s regularly scheduled parenting time, the

parenting time shall be continuous. Holiday and school break parenting time shall take precedence over regularly

scheduled parenting time and may result in one parent having two or more weekends in a row.

DEFINITIONS OF HOLIDAY PARENTING TIME

• Memorial Day Weekend begins at 6PM the Friday before Memorial Day and ends at 6PM Memorial Day.

• Fourth of July begins at 6PM on July 3rd

and ends at 6PM on July 5th.

• Labor Day Weekend begins at 6PM the Friday before Labor Day and ends at 6PM Labor Day.

• Halloween: Parenting time begins at 6PM and ends at 8PM.

• Thanksgiving Weekend begins at 6PM the Wednesday before Thanksgiving Day and ends at 6PM the following

Sunday at 6PM.

• Christmas Eve: Begins December 23 at 6PM. and ends December 24 at 6PM

• Christmas Day: Begins December 24 at 6PM and ends December 25 at 6PM

• New Years Eve: Begins December 30 at 6PM and ends December 31 at 6PM

• New Years Day: Begins December 31 at 6PM and ends January 1 at 6PM

• Child’s Birthday: If the child’s birthday falls on a scheduled school day, parenting time shall be from 6PM until

8:30PM. If the child’s birthday falls on a non-school day, parenting time shall be from 9AM to 6PM. If the child’s

birthday takes place on the same date as a recognized holiday, the holiday parenting time will take precedence over the

birthday parenting time.

• Easter: If the children’s Spring Break does not include Easter, Easter shall be exercised from Friday before Easter at

6PM until Easter Sunday at 6PM.

• Mother’s Day/Father’s Day: The child(ren) shall be with their mother on Mother’s Day from 9AM until 6PM, and

with their father on Father’s Day from 9AM until 6PM.

DEFINITIONS OF SCHOOL BREAK PARENTING TIME

** THIS SCHEDULE APPLIES WHEN AT LEAST ONE OF THE MINOR CHILDREN IN COMMON HAS

REACHED THE AGE OF 36 MONTHS.

• Spring and/or Mid-Winter Break: The parties shall defer to the Spring and/or Mid-Winter Break schedule of the

school district in which the eldest child in common primarily resides, is enrolled, or will attend. Spring and/or Mid-

Winter Break parenting time shall be from 6PM on the day school is recessed until 6PM the day before school is

scheduled to resume.



Page 4 of 6

• Christmas/Holiday Break: The parties shall defer to the Christmas/Holiday Break schedule of the school district in

which the eldest child in common primarily resides, is enrolled, or will attend.

In Odd Numbered Years: Father shall have parenting time from 6PM on the day that the school

recesses for holiday (Christmas) Break until 6PM December 24th. Mother shall have parenting time from

6PM December 24th until 6PM December 31st. Father shall have parenting time from December 31

st at

6PM until 6PM the day before school is scheduled to resume. Thereafter the normal parenting time

schedule shall resume.

In Even Numbered Years: Mother shall have parenting time from 6PM on the day that school recesses

for winter (Christmas) Break until 6PM December 24th. Father shall have parenting time from 6PM

December 24th until 6PM December 31st. Mother shall have parenting time from December 31

st at 6PM

until 6PM the day before school is scheduled to resume. Thereafter the normal parenting time schedule

shall resume.

Other Issues:

Transportation: Each party is responsible for picking up the children at the start of his/her parenting time. An

adult that is familiar to the children may provide transportation. The child(ren) shall be secured in an appropriate

child safety seat at all times while being transported in a vehicle. NEITHER PARTY OR ANY THIRD PARTY

SHALL TRANPORT THE MINOR CHILD(REN) WITHOUT A VALID DRIVER’S LICENSE.

The parenting time schedule shall be exercised in a prompt manner. In the event of unforeseen circumstances, a

30 minute delay in collecting or returning the children is considered allowable, but notice of a delay is always to

be given where possible. This is to be used on rare occasions and should not become routine. The custodial

parent shall not withhold the non-custodial parent’s parenting time due to illness of the child unless transporting

the child to/from parenting time would be detrimental to the child’s health/welfare and the same is documented by

the child’s physician.

The custodial parent must inform the other parent of necessary medication and possible illness. The custodial

parent must provide prescriptions to the non-custodial parent during his or her parenting time.

The custodial parent shall not interfere with the non-custodial parent’s right to access school and medical

information in accordance with MCL 722.30.

The parties shall cooperate when making plans for the child(ren) or enrolling the child(ren) in extracurricular

activities to ensure that the activities do not interfere with the other parent’s regularly scheduled parenting time,

unless otherwise agreed. Violations of this provision may result in an enforcement action.

All schedules for the child(ren)’s activities shall be exchanged with the other parent immediately upon receipt (i.e,

sports, music, academics, etc.). Both parents are required to transport the child(ren) to the activity during his/her

parenting time. Parents may attend a child(ren)’s extracurricular activities that occur during the other parent’s

scheduled parenting time, unless barred by a Court Order, Personal Protection Order, or No Contact Order.

When you are taking your child(ren) on vacation, you must give the other parent at least one month advance

written notice, unless otherwise ordered. The other parent shall be provided with an itinerary including your

destination, inclusive dates of travel and a telephone number where you can be reached.

Parents exercising parenting time need to be certain homework is completed.

Pursuant to Public Act 600 of 2012 amended MCL 722.27a, commencing January 9, 2013 parenting time is

prohibited in a nation that is not a party to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child

Abduction unless both parents provide the court with written consent to allow parenting time in a nation that is

not a party to this convention.

INTERIM ORDER



Page 5 of 6

NOTICE OF RIGHT TO JUDICIAL HEARING. See Attached NOTICE OF RIGHT TO JUDICIAL HEARING that

is incorporated with this Referee Recommendation and Order by reference.

XXXXXX P-

Referee recommendation date Referee’s

signature Ref. Bar No.

CONSENT AND WAIVER: BY SIGNATURE BELOW, THE PARTIES/ATTORNEYS AGREE WITH THE

REFEREE RECOMMENDATION AND WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO A JUDICIAL HEARING.

____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

Plaintiff / Plaintiff’s attorney Defendant / Defendant’s attorney

Certificate of Delivery/Mailing. A true copy of this Recommendation was delivered in court or mailed to the addresses

of record for both parties/attorneys on (date): ___________. (Signature):

_____________________________________

ORDER

The Referee Recommendation is adopted as an Interim Order without further action. If no Objections are filed

within 21 days of service of the referee recommendation, the Interim Order will be FINAL.

NO WRITTEN OBJECTIONS to the above referee recommendation were filed with this court within 21 days

of service of the referee recommendation, or the parties/attorneys have signed the Consent and Waiver. The referee

recommendation is ORDERED.

WRITTEN OBJECTIONS to the above referee recommendation were filed with this court within 21 days of

service of the referee recommendation and after judicial hearing:

Objections were withdrawn and/or the referee recommendation is ORDERED.

Separate order is/will be presented for entry by Attorney for Plaintiff

Separate order will be entered by the Court.

XXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

___________ ______________________________________

Date Judge’s signature



Page 6 of 6

_______________________ vs. _______________________ Case No. _________________

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE WORKSHEET

WEEK

NUMBER

SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY

Week No.

1

Week No.

2

Week No.

3

Week No.

4

Week No.

5

We hereby agree to adopt the above parenting time schedule:

______________________________________ __________________________________________

Plaintiff Defendant

______________________________________ __________________________________________

Attorney for Plaintiff P-Number Attorney for Defendant P-Number

Dated: _______________________________ Dated: ___________________________________

KIDS FIRST / MOM AND DAD, WE NEED YOU!

PARENTS

PLEDGE AND COMMIT

LISTEN to your child

COMMUNICATE with your child

TEACH your child right from whrong and be a good role model for

SPEND TIME WITH AND PAY ATTENTION to your child

EDUCATE your child in mind, body, and spirit

WORK to provide a stable family life for your child

VOTE for your children to ensure them fair opportunity

SUPPORT EFFECTIVE GROUPS that help children

SPEAK OUT for your children and other peoples’ neeed.

(Children’s Defense Fund, STATE OF AMERICA’S CHILDREN: “Leave No Children Behind” XXI)

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CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS

1. The right to be treated as important human being, with unique feelings, ideas, and desires, and not as a source of argument between parents.

other.

its.

2. The right to a continuing relationship with both parents and the freedom to receive love from and express love for both.

3. The right to express love and affections for each parent without having to stifle that love because of fear or disapproval by the other parent.

4. The right to know that their parents’ decision to divorce is not their responsibility and that they will live with one parent and visit the other.

5. The right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.

6. The right to honest answers to questions about the changing family relationship.

7. The right to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without the other parent degrading the

8. The right to have a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents, without being placed in a position to manipulate one parent against the other.

9. The right to have the custodial parent not undermine visitation by suggesting tempting alternatives or by threatening to withhold visitation as punishment for the children’s wrongdoing.

10. The right to be able to experience regular and consistent visitation and the right to know the reason for cancelled vis

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CONCLUSION When children are asked what they want to see happen after the parent’s breakup or divorce, the answer is usually that the parents reunite. When parents are asked the same question, most respond that they want nothing to do with their former spouse. The adjustments required for parents are never easy, and is one of life’s most stressful events for everyone involved. Children are devastated by the parent’s breakup or divorce and feel powerless. Typically, they experience tremendous loss and pain. They have been dependent on both parents, and the props have been knocked out from under them. They feel disbelief that the family will no longer exist as they have known it. Many are anxious, angry, sad, depressed, and confused about what is happening. They feel abandoned, and they suffer a drop in self-esteem. Just when children need their parents most, the parents need time for themselves to regain a sense of balance and personal well-being. If grieving parents lose their ability to consider their children’s needs, everyone suffers. It is hard enough to raise children when parents are together. It is more difficult when parents that are separated and divorced have problems appropriately talking with each other. Children need a relationship with both parents, and parents must do what they can to promote the relationship. Children desperately need parental cooperation. Parents can learn to get along after a breakup or divorce and share responsibilities for their children. It is a difficult task but attainable, when parents put the child/children first. Parents and children who have difficulty coping or functioning with divorce should seek professional help. The information in this booklet should serve as a guide to raising secure and healthy children after breakup or divorce.

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SUGGESTED READINGS

For Families: Changing Families: A Guide for Kids and Grown-Ups by David Fassler, M.D., Michele Lash, M.Ed., A.T.R. and Sally B. Ives, Ph.D. (Waterfront Books, 1988, $14.95) Divorce Happens to the Nicest Kids by Michael S. Prokop, M.Ed. (Alegra House Publishers, 1986, $11.95). For ages 3-15 and adults. The Divorce Workbook: A Guide for Kids and Families by Sally Blakslee Ives, Ph.D. (Waterfront Books, 1985, $12.95 Mr. Rogers Talks to Families About Divorce by Fred Rogers and Clare O’Brien (Berkley Books, 1987, $6.95) On Divorce: An Open Family Book for Parents and Children Together by Sara Bonnett Stein (Walker & Co., 1979, $4.95) Why Are We Getting A Divorce? By Peter Mayle (Harmondy Books, 1988, $11.95) For Children and Adolescents: At Daddy’s on Saturdays by Linda Walvoord Girard (Albert Whitman & Co., 1987, $12.95). Ages 6-8. Breaking Up by Norma Klein (Avon, 1981, $2.50). Ages 12-16. Daddy Doesn’t Live Here Anymore by Jill Krementz (Alfred A. Knopf, 1984, $12.95). Ages 8-16. It’s Not the End of the World by July Blume (Dell, 1986, $3.25). Ages 8-14. The Kids’ Book of Divorce – By, For & About Kids by the Unit at Fayerweather Street School; Eric Rofes, Editor (Vintage Books, 1982, $3.95). Ages 11-14. Mommy and Me by Ourselves Again by Judith Vigna (Albert Whitman & co., 1987, $12.95). Ages 3-5.

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For Parents: Divorce Book for Parents by Vicki Lansky (New American Library, 1989, $18.95). The Garbage Generation by David Amnaus (Primrose Press, 1990, $12.95). Growing Up Divorced by Linda Francke (Faucett, 1984, $3.95). Growing Up With Divorce: Helping Your Child Avoid Immediate and Later Emotional Problems by Neil Kalter, Ph.D. (The Free Press, 1989, $22.95). How to Single Parent by Fitzhugh Dodson (Harper & Row, 1987, $15.95). The Michigan PTA Parents’ Answer Book by Executive Editor Alice R. McCarthy, Ph.D. Order from Michigan PTA, 1011 N. Washington, Lansing, MI 48906. $7.95 plus $2.50 shipping (up to 24 books shipped for $2.50). (517) 485-4345. Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Shared Custody Work by Isolina Ricci (Collier Books, 1982, $8.95) Pick Up Your Socks: A Practical Guide to Raising Responsible Children by Elizabeth Crary (Parenting Press, Inc., 1990, $11.95). Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade After Divorce by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (Ticknor and Fields, 1989, $19.95). Sharing Parenthood After Divorce: An Enlightened Custody Guide for Mothers, Fathers, and Kids by Ciji Ware (Viking Press, 1982, $14.95). Solomon’s Children by Glynnis Walker (Arbor House, 1986, $16.95). Whose Kids Is It Anyway: The Complete Social and Legal Guide for Stepparents, Stepchildren, and Stepgrandparents by Marcella M. Sabo, Ed.S., L.M.F.T., et al, (Next Step Publications, 1989, $12.95). Why Men Are the Way They Are by Warren Farrell (McGraw Hill, 1986, $17.95). *Check your local library for these and other selections.*

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NOTES

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