Kerala Uncyclopedia

8/12/2019 Kerala Uncyclopedia

1/6

Kerala

God's Own Cundry

%2525257C

Flag Coat of Arms

Motto:"Hartal's own country"

Anthem:"Manasa maine Varoo"

The state of Kerala in India

Capital ThreeVanDrum

Previous capital madirasi (pandi pattanam) (nowthey have gone to the wolves)

Largest city Coco chinOfficial language(s) Malayalam,Tullu,Chiniis(all hail

chairman Mao)

Government Not 4 the People

National Hero(es) Jayan, Sreesanth aka palarivattamshashi, Sir Mammoos, SriPotbellyLal, Leader Karunji, VSAchumama, 10 000 000ASSociation Leaders, Lion-Tailed Monkey, Madhu,Jayabharathi, Nair fromchayakada, Inspector Balram, T.P. Balagopalan M.A., MasterTintumon, Miss Dundumol,Shakeela., Santhosh Pandit.

Kerala

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Where'd the roads go? rivers all over the place.~ Bush on his visit to Kerala

In communism it is the votes that are important and not theroads.

~ Achuthananthan on commenting on Bush

"It is said that if Malayalees from all over the world startedthinking, the lower islands shall be sebmeged in cocnut oil,and global warming shall finally occur" .

~ Oscar Wilde on commenting on Bush

"Turn over a rock anywhere in the world, and there will besomebody from Kerala"

~ Oscar Wilde

Don't count coconuts b4 they hatch~ Mahatma Gandhi on Kerala

Wating till the airport workers get fed up with their strike..~ Oscar Wilde on visiting Kerala

Keralais a 100% illiterately literate desi land. The language isMalayalam which is the same forwards or backwards.

Kerala is one of the survival place of endangered species like lion-tailed monkeys and communists. Indeed, Kerala is the place wherethe communists made history by democratically getting elected in1957 to form a government for the first time in the world. it may be

the only place in the where the public protested and made a closureof all instiution and roads on the death of iraq president sadamhussain(may be not even iraqis). The victory was a result of makinga pre-election promise by the Communist Party that they will bringtechnology from USSR to extract odorless Vodka from coconuttrees and supply them free.

Kerala has a unique demographic characteristic among Indian states- there are no Christians in the northern district of Malappuram andno Muslims in the southern district of Kottayam.

Lunghi, Saree and 24 carat jewellery export via checked-in luggagehas trippled ever since its intelligent workers started immigrating all

around the world for doing business right from space down to theunderworld. This makes the state of Kerala lying in the southernmost tsunami-proof looking coastal part of India, the No.1 foreigncurrency earner and spender.

Contents

1 Entrance2 History3 People & Culture4 Naming of a Malayalee5 Flora and Fauna6 Language Policy

7 Art and Literature8 Lack of organisation9 Politics10 Sport

Page 1 of 6Kerala - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

4/17/2012http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Kerala?printable=yes


2/6

Declaration

of Independence

{{{Independence}}}

Currency Coconuts,Riyal/Dinar

Religion Communism and Communalism

Population Not Bad - May increase ordecrease according to climate

Internet TLD .coco

11 Festivals12 Economy13 Arts14 Koralam15 Notes

EntranceThere is a private engineering college at every town right now andgovernment has pledged to expand it to every village. Per-capitation, donation & admission to these colleges are offered forthose walk in from the CITU & INTUC waiting sheds.

History

An axe-throwing competition was conducted by Mr. Shiva on Mt. Everest for local gods (Sponsored by IBM; What * makes* you * Special). Some chap called AxeRaman threw his axe in the wrong direction to the Arabian Ocean rather than theWhite House. Eventually, he was disqualified but his misthrown axe created Kerala (For God's sake don't ask how).

Conflicting theories link Kerala to be a part of the primeval middle-east, that drifted off during the continental shift. Thisexplains the fascination for the 'Gelf'. 78% of Keralites are settled in the Gelf. This theory gains support from the fact thatKeralites actually 'werk' in the Gelf. the productivity of an average Malayali in Kerala is 0.28% compared to 67.12% in theGelf! This theory is dismissed by the Hindu right-wing as an Islamist propoganda. Said ancient historian Dhruv Ragunathan,"Wow, it really smells like curry here."

A parallel explanation for the conception of Kerala began in the Sangam Era, when the creators of Tamil banished a groupof lesser beings to the hills for their inability to say anything without the use of -zh, thus was formed one of the mostcomplicated languages and a race of people addicted to bananas and coconuts.

Meanwhile, the axe that was thrown has been recently discovered lying in a gutter in the middle of the M.C.Road Highway.

People & Culture

People of Kerala are called Keralite, but only sometimes. Mostly they are just called Malayalees or in short mallus. They,the people, are found of playing Big Brother and keep an eye on everything that goes on in the neighborhood, poking theirnoses into what is necessary and what is not (mostly the latter).

What is perhaps the most surprising aspect of this population is that this group is not restricted only to the island of Kerala,no matter where you go you'll find one Malayali or the other, the legend goes that there is a Malayali hut on the surface ofmoon, serving the Americans and Russians since 1969. In fact Malayalees apparently grow tapioca on the moon to satisfytheir desire for tapioca and fish curry!

Gold is the general craze, with people mortgaging their properties to buy gold to make their neighbors go green with envy,and show off their "Status" in the society. People of Kerala purchases 10kg of gold every 5 minutes, only to have it stolenthe next night.

Although almost 100% literate (ministers are exempted from literacy requirement, and also movie stars), Keralites are stillunable to figure out the ill effects of alcohol consumption, average age of drinking is somewhere around 10 years. Thesecond largest source of income for Kerala Government apart from coconuts is from alcohol, around Rs.150Cr (US$ 200)that's bucks per year for an increase of one Buck each bottle. In general people are friendly, sometimes even too "friendly"and assume too much freedom.

Women in this part of the country suffer from a rather strange disease called The Dry Eye Syndrome. A celebrated paper byThendi Varghese, Prof Juggrerlerist University Of Thotapura, claims to have found links between the Dry Eye Syndromeand Serial Mayhem which starts every day at 7 in the evening...But now, a new phenomenon called Idea star singer haschanged all that. Idea star singer 2008, which is scheduled to run from 2008 to 2020(yes a million episodes!!) is a runawayhit in Kerala. They call it the MEGA SERIAL! In addition to Alzheimer's disease another disease calledHallucinationis anew pandemic to the cultural leaders, but film stars has been exempted from this.

All its netizens with a keyBORED and Internet connection are boastful about themselves in Orkut, a site where Googleemployees are paid to generate content of jerk nature for the jobless Malayalee-public. People of Kerala speak a popular

phonetically pleasing sign language calledMalayalam, so they are referred as Malayalees. When Malayalees wake up in the




3/6

morning, their primary ritual is to update their Orkut/Facebook profile and upload the latest buttogenic photos in theircolourful lunghis and sarees, taken in a "phooriegn" land. The next step is to self-glorify them by using Orkut publicityscraps or Facebook walls.

How to spot a Keralite or a Malabari:

- They can be found just standing under the sun, shaking their heads, like those dogs and dolls on car dashboards. (theymaybe watching coconuts swaying in the breeze)

- They say "Pendium" instead of saying Pentium.

- They pronounce yellow as 'ello ?!'

- They pronounce love as 'lau'

- They will abruptly stop whatever they are doing, stand upright, close their eyes and beam at you, with a smile.

- If you see a large glob of oil floating in the distance, know that it is a Malayalee's head !

- They use English Language like: "Just I want to say your decreasing my all confidence I really wish to work very hardlyand you know me also very well"

- They make sardarji's their bitches(suck ..idt)

- They eat rice on banana leaf.

Naming of a Malayalee

THE MALAYALEE NAME FORMULA REVEALED!

It has been a well kept secret for eons, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Thelmasherry,Kerala has consented to let us publish this classified Mallu formula, on the naming of Mallu kids.

a. Select a combination of both the mother's and father's names. eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha, or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.b. The addition of a 'mon' (meaning son) or 'mol' (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sushamol, Jobimon c. To attach amodern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl. d. For the

politically correct Keralite family, mol and mon can be replaced by the universal 'kutty'(child), which can be used for bothboys and girls! eg: Jokutty, Susikutty

Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo However, in thescenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible child names. eg: Itty andAmukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn't even sound like a name), or Amit (which is like Northie and stuff), then:a. Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc. b. Use a combination of two English namesthat you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene =Sharlene c. Use aname from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even grandma can pronounce!) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph,Matthew, or Jijo! d. Use a name that sounds like a cuss word but isn't. eg: Boben, Prussy, Shagi, JustinTimberlake etc.

Note: The use of the letter 'j' is useful in the naming of sibling where names that sound alike are a novelty. eg: Ajji, Sajji,Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Jojo, Majo, Anjo, Mojo, Panjo, Banjo,

Flora and Fauna

The national tree of Kerala is the coconut tree. Believe it or not, the state gets its name from 'keram' the Malayali word forcoconut tree. No one still knows why it is not Thengalam (thenga is Malayalam for coconuts). Keralites display theiridentity by smothering themselves - head to toe - with coconut oil.

Mosquitoes are the national bird and drunkards (both crawling and on four legs) are the national animals of Kerala. Nationalfestival of Kerala is 'Harthals' (formerly called 'Bandhs') which occur at least once in every week for whatever reasonavailable. During Harthals, protesters peacefully commit acts of "violence". Acting on a report suggesting theirendangerment, the 'gevermend' has announced at-least half-hour power cuts every evening to ensure their nourishment.

Kochi is the main tourist spot. Watching mosquitoes, "mosquito hunting", nowadays with Chinese electric bats, andlistening to Mosquito songs are the main activities in do Kochi.




4/6

Language Policy

Talk English to everyone. Need not be meaningful, but need to be English. A mix words like yeah, ok, hello, missed call,recharge, shit! etc. will do. Pretend to know Hindi, don't speak that. Speak Malayalam only when you are dying or starvingor cursing. Ok, here's a tip: Never talk malayalam in schools. You'll find yourself being fined or even worse bald-headed ina short while! Beware...

Spoken Manglish (A hybrid of Malayalam and English) is the benchmark for speaking english in India and most teachersand professors of English in schools and colleges across the country are Malayali. Some historians also refer to RanjiniHaridas as the founder of Manglish language. One Malayali, Arundhati Roy, broke all records with her bombastic English

by winning the Booker prize: awarded each year by the Queens of English in Britain. After winning the Booker with hernovel,Dog of Small Thongsshe's shifted her focus to destroying the Narmada Dam with her similar bombastic rhetoric.Displayed on the right is a video lesson by Loyola Kutty, one of the finest teachers of English, Kerala has to offer, to youngstudents of Jam University in New Delhi. This particular tutorial is titled,Experience is what you get when you don't getwhat you want!

The one and only Suresh 'just remember that' Gopi is widely acclaimed as the father of English in Kerala. His movies have aliberal dose of English in his dialogues (and titles) which makes the average Malayalee think he is from Hollywood! He iscredited with the introduction of 'shit' to Manglish. The Kerala state has also established a Tullu academy for their cousinTullu brethren in Kasargod to woos Tullus in neighbouring Mangalore-Udupi to unite with Kerala and rename it as Para

shoo ram Shetrain honour of the founder of ancient kokonut land of Kerala.

Actually there are several school of thoughts regarding the language policy of kerala. One is that, of all the variances oflanguage the malabar variant, especially the malappuram slang is considered the most purest form. Common literature bitswritten in this variant often include the original scripts such as nhammal(I), ingal(U), on(he), ol(she), orie(their), onte(his),ole(her), puyappla(husband), pandyala(office), kachodam(business). etc....

Art and Literature

Eventhough most of the educated people are illetterate, arts and literature industry are strong and act as the backbone ofkerala culture. Many people, who are capable of nothing has survived becasue of art and literature. Normally Keralites arenot interested in all these stuffs.But as they have to keep an image of literate people infront of the world to obtain jobs inother countries, they do something and show it as the most powerful form of art and literature in thje world. Actuallyspeaking, what they do with art and literature is beating around and around the bush.Famouse mouse capturist, GeraldKuttappan told that art and literature in kerala could be taall as a cocut tree and fat as a jackfruit.

Lack of organisation

Although Keralites lack organisation as a whole, they have created a multitude of organisations as associations, thanks tocommunism. A few samples are Association of Beggers in East Thrissur (ABET), All Kerala Puking DrunkardsOrganisation (AKePuDO), International Coconut Leaf Merchants Association (ABCD). Every street in Kochi features adormant association classified as Residents Association, with the name of the corresponding street attached to it. The mainactivities of such associations are to waste time in meetings.

PoliticsYou vote for the left... You vote for the right...Left...Right...Left. Make sure you vote for the party not in power at theCentral Government, so not much money will come from Delhi. The other opposition parties are mainly subsidiaries ofCongress and most often are never even successful in getting a single vote. Yep.... they don't count for shit. The mainCongres parties are Kerala Congress(A), Kerala Congress(B), Kerala Congress(C), Kerala Congress(D), Kerala Congress(E)........................... Kerala Congress(Z), not to mention the D. I. C -K party faction.

Sport

Kerala upholds its own Indian Premier League Team, which was announced lately. One name pending consideration is the"Kochi Kunjumons".

Elephant running, Bull running, dog running, Cat running, Lion-tailed monkey running (Now-a-days the only one left onearth is always the champ)... Cricket (Only one person in the entire state plays it, that too because he was unable to find a

job as a break dancer),counter-strike:source(one guy plays that and he always end up losing...afk) Long Jump (One personplays that) Soccer (somebody play that) Street Fight (Everybody plays that).




5/6

Of late, the passion for Keralites is taking part in Hartal. This all started with the Supreme court banning bandhs. The ever-intelligent Malayalees could easily convert this threat to an opportunity by re-christening "Bandh" as "Hartal".

Though not detailed in the media Kerala's favourite game is 'Thappal', literally translated it means 'to search'. This game isusually played by the youth as well as Grandpas of Kerala at cinemas and local buses, the objective is to touch as manyfemale body parts ( age doesn't matter ) in a very short period of time. If however there is a tie in the score between two ormore players then the away bus rule applies the person whose done it in the bus which is not his regular haunt. Well,ministers as they are elected play this in flights or in Ice cream parlours. How can you expect them to travel in bus? Women

who do not like to be played with, carry safety pins to ward off the players.

Kerala government has announced to constitute a Kerala Hartal Academy. For a change, this academy will not be based atTrichur, but in Kannur.

Festivals

Harthal :

Harthalis the national festival of kerala. They celebrate Harthal in any season any day any time, usually with a short notice.The state beverages corporation provides 750 ml of alcohol per person per hartal, which is a constitutional right. Parades are

performed by party members in every town; fireworks, usually using stones against the police, buses and buildings are

generally broadcasted live in television. People gather in their house,watch television,eat and sleep on harthal days. Thefestival concludes with a massive puking competition held at the "Thrissur round", apparently the largest round-about in thewhole universe....

Keralites celebrate all important festivals by alchohol consumption or as they call it "vellam-adi"(water punch). It is ironicalas the state itself is surrounded by liquid(water duh..) and the keralite is filled with 75% volatile liquids(preferably Brandy).

Economy

Eat coconut. Sleep coconut. Live coconut. Drink only Coca-Cola (Boorshaws, you bloody people made kerala'sunderground water as black as your goddamn Cola..$#%^$%$%#@!#$@%$@$%#&^%*&^*%&^#$%@...You betterclose your factory...No, we won't...OK,lets ask the High-Court...High Court: Coca Cola did a good job by supplying Coca

Cola through underground, though the underground Coca Cola tastes a little different. Now Keralites can drink, bath, brushand wash their butts using Coca Cola. So Coca Cola need not close. Not to mention Pepsi, which farmers are already usingas pesticides....(no really,farmers actually use it coz its cheaper and deadlier) Another important industry for Kerala is thetourism industry. Tourist from all parts of the world, especially Uganda come to see the devils pestering God's owncountry.They come with cartful of dollars and return with handful of coconuts. A nigerian prince has promised investmentof 500 million galleons. The prosecutors replied by capturing, gheravoing and force-feeding Cola to the Minister of Magic.

Anything comes up, the opposition has to oppose. Even if something comes through both left and right, the workers of boththe left and right have to put up unions so that they can get free food etc. for sitting in a coconut leaf shed all day. OK, it isalmost impossible to have profitable industries. But the unions have found a way to compensate for that, by extracting

Nokku Kooli, a kind of huge tax that one has to pay to local unions for doing the work himself or getting it done bysomeone else who actually knows how to do it. Hospitals and psychologists routinely treat managers and potential managersfor kheravo phobia.

The politicians eventually had to mortgage the entire state to Asian Development Bank!

Finally, one smart tea shop owner started selling Tourism. A minister passing in his population reducing machine (car) sawthis. And presto!- A2Z tourism.... this has no unions as it involves dumb foreign nationals who pay Rs.500 to auto wallas fortaking them 1 km (might be bcoz they r still glad to have their lives).

Kalaripayattu,Kathakali,Ayurvedam,Lagoons,little bit of massaging too, everything is sold. Another main attraction for thetourists are the adventurous, bumpy rides in highways, having no lane rules.

Arts

The most famous artistic expressions of Malayalees are rape, harassment against women, revelry of quotation gangs,manipulations in the school festivals and so & so ..... Being martyred for politics and formation of monuments in the nameof victims are also included in the arts of Malayalees, but the graph relating this tendency with time shows slight negative




6/6

Privacy (Updated)About WikiaTerms of use (Updated)Contact WikiaAdvertise

This page was last modified on March 22, 2012, at 17:40.

Wikia is a registered service mark of Wikia, Inc. All rights reserved.

deviation in recent years. Although the national art has been Kathakali for a long time, it may be replaced with erotic torturein the near future.

Koralam

This alternative name is result of a major literacy drive conducted during the 1980's. Neo-literates often wrote the name oftheir homeland as Koralam.

Notes

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Kerala"Categories: Geography of India | India


Kerala Uncyclopedia

Documents

Transcript of Kerala Uncyclopedia