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The Rope is a satirical paper, published by the NoZe Brotherhood (a campus gadfly since 1924) based on poorly written humor, and as such should not be taken seriously. Any and all refer-ences in this publication (even those based on real people) are entirely fictional. Any and all proported views in this paper do not reflect the views of Baylor University or those of any stu-dent, organization, faculty, or staff-member-person. The following pages may contain coarse language and due to it’s content should not be read by anyone. If you are still reading this, then re-read the previous sentence.

KEKO MUCKITY MUCK, KEKO MUCKITY MUCK. MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN. SATCHEL ON, BRO. LONG NOZE, SATCH! BMMC, BSSS, HRGS, LHOOQ, KLIACH! It’s another easygoing Homecoming laced with up-throwing and all the old frat-blowings, and still paying your past owings to Baylor. But don’t be a hater! Some crazy times (and rhymes) have arrived. A smidgen of religion-fun-funding has been cut, but tarry not, gentle reader. The leader of Our Fable Stable we call Home is more than a crazy gnome without a comb. (OH, AND DID WE MENTION THERE’S FOAM?) November stops shav-ing, but misbehaving and daylight saving is even better than that Cosby sweater (and apology letter) you’ve come across…what lame sauce. More schools break rules to join a Big 12 full of hardship, poker chips, and NoZe drips. Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Satchellliiissssiiimmmooo.

Have you heard of The Intertubes? Direct your browser to www.TheNoZe.org ASAP, son!Trying to get ahold of the NoZe? NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.comNeed incessant updates on our status? Tweet us! @NoZeBrotherhoodLove us or hate us, Friend us on Facebook! www.facebook.com/NoZeBrotherhood

The Baylor Athletics Depart-ment officially announced that it will not be releasing the much anticipated RG4 in time for the 2012 NCAA football season. However, according to multiple sources throughout the department, the update will be a RG3S model instead. “We understand that many peo-ple might be upset to hear this news,” said Baylor Athletic Director Ian Mc-Caw. “Everybody has been waiting for the RG4 for a long time, we understand. However, we think that once they hear about the snazzy features included in the RG3S, they’ll still be excited about this update.” According to rumors circulat-ing on “The Facebooks,” the RG3S will boast a masters degree in Communica-tions, leading some to speculate that he will be equipped with Bluetooth connec-tivity. In addition to the masters degree, other sources have speculated that RG3S will come standard in the Baylor Law

School, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘habeus corpus.’ “If Bluetooth connectivity doesn’t ruffle your feathers, then you should know that when we release RG4, you’ll need constant parental supervision to keep from wetting yourself: we’re talking Facetube/Twatter integration, USB3 ports, laser beams; you name it,” said Baylor University President Ken-neth Starr. “We’re even contemplating an exclusive contract with Apple to in-clude Siri support, which we all feel will be worth the 5% tuition hike necessary to pay them off.” Despite the dismay from fans over the news, most Baylor students are still extremely giddy about the update. “I can’t wait to interface-ize with the Blueteeth ports on RG3S and downplode my cloud into the updated firmware protocol with SSH,” said Com-puter Science major Todd Microhard. He continued on for quite

awhile, but the Rope reporter interview-ing Microhard swiftly turned around and walked away after the second acronym. Echoing Microhard’s senti-ments, Dallas Sophomore Trini McTee-ny said “OMG LOL! TTFN.” As of that quote, The Brotherhood has filled up their yearly quota of acronyms in The Rope, much to our dismay. Senior Wide Receiver Kendall Wright seemed disappointed that Baylor didn’t roll out with this update earlier. “I’ve had my RG3 since 2008, and I’ve never had any complaints except for the occasional reception issues with my left hand,” said Wright. “Of course they wait until after my senior year to fix that with an upgrade. In addition, the RG3S is supposed to have lasers. Lasers, I tell ya!” The new RG3S model will be hitting the field next year, will run faster, and will be able to complete important calls in Stillwater, OK.

Baylor Stalls Upgrade from RG3 to RG4RG3S Model to be Released Instead

PAGE 3 THE ROPE WWW.THENOZE.ORG

On having standards:

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 23:1

On my 8 A.M. class:

“If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” Job 13:5

Baylor on Sigma Chi:

“Elisha turned around and looked at them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of them,” cast-ing them off campus forever. 2 Kings 2:24

On relationships that need to end:

“My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.” Job 19:17

On attending Chapel:

“As Paul spoke on and on, a young man named Eutychus, sitting on the win-dowsill, became very drowsy. Finally, he fell sound asleep and dropped three stories to his death below.” Acts 20:9

On correlation error:

“All the people, standing in the open place before the house of God, were trembling both over the matter at hand and because it was raining.” Ezra 10:9

On accurate Lariat reporting:

“And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterwards he was hungry.” Matthew 4:2

Meditationsand advice from the Word of God

Kenny’s KerfuffleAlice said I was too chicken to go Trick or Treating

with her, but I sure showed her

I had the best costume on the

block.

I’ll put it on, brb.

So, as you may have expected, this is the latest copy of the award-winning satirical publication, The Rope. To the alumni reading this, think back to your days at Baylor, when you’d kick back at your 9th Street apartment, light up your pipe, pour yourself a nice glass of scotch, and read this old rag. Weren’t those times grand? But now, just look at yourself. Thirty-something, making $50,826 a year at your desk job, still hitting on the re-ceptionist you’ll never get, still in debt on those student loans, still reading cheap Grisham novels with the DVD combo pack of Seinfeld playing in the background. How depressed are you right now?

We apologize. We’re just emphasizing the nothing-ness and absurdity of this cruel world we inhabit. We’re all just particles floating in infinite harmony to the beat of Ravi Shankar rocking out, you follow me, Brother? Well, that’s why we focus on satire instead of grades, even though we have 4.0s. It’s our job. Have a good Comehoming reliving past memories you’ll never recapture.

All Our Love,Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe

Bro. TheNoZeous Monk

A Note From the Desk of the Cunning Linguists

WWW.THENOZE.ORG THE ROPE PAGE 4

German Americans Misinterpret Cain’s

9-9-9 Program According to the latest Gallup Polls, Hermain Cain has seen a surge in support from German Americans ever since the unveiling of his tremendously popular 9-9-9 plan for economic revival. While this has mystified even the most astute political scientist, we here at the Noble NoZe Brotherhood seem to think we know why. “Ach, ja! Who can say nein to Herr Cain? Nein business tax, nein indi-vidual tax, und nein sales tax!” exclaimed Braunfel W. Braunfels. However, a small percentage were troubled by the plan. “America used to be the country of ‘yes, yes, yes,’ but now it’s all ‘no, no, no,” lamented . “What else is he against? Good Christian marriage?!” According to the AP wire, Cain was surprised that so many German Americans were coming out to support him, outnumbering other American eth-nic groups by as much as 3:1. However, this news hardly stifled him: “To quote a great American poet,” Cain responded, “ya gotta catch ‘em all!”

To those of you who have re-mained uninformed, October was Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This nation-wide celebration finally reached Baylor, and the festivities were a complete suc-cess, thanks to the manly men of Phi Kappa Chi, who posted informative signs around campus. “The signs have seriously in-formed me about this issue,” freshman Ryan Anderson said. “I didn’t even know

breasts existed.” Ryan then had to leave our reporters because he was on his way to a BYX rush event. However, now that October has kicked the bucket, large numbers of stu-dents are quickly forgetting anything they learned in an attempt to celebrate Breast Cancer Ignorance Year again, which hap-pens from November 1st till September 30th each year.

America Resumes Observing Breast Cancer Ignorance Year

In a move that went unnoticed by everyone at Baylor University, the Student Senate recently voted to increase their salaries for the 2012 year effective immediately. While the Student Senate tried to heavily publicize the vote, it went unnoticed because no one really cares about the Student Senate. “I was surprised that it was passed unanimously,” observed Student Government Internal Vice President Mi-chael Lyssy. “There’s always some nay-sayer in the group. As for myself, I can’t

wait to blow this cash and make it rain.” No word has been released as to whether or not the student senators real-ize that they don’t get a salary, probably because reporters don’t want to ruin the cheery mood in the Student Government office.

Student Senate Passes Legislation to Double Their Salaries

Shiner, TX to Secede from the Union

To the excitement of bar owners everywhere, Shiner, Texas has decided to secede from the United States of America, citing standard prices of its delicious brew Shiner Bock as evidence. “You show me a bar that sells Shiner Bock as a domestic, and I’ll show you a bunch of sissy-hootin,’ nanny-holler’in nincompoops,” said Carlos Al-varez, head of Spoetzl Brewery, the manu-facturer of Shiner Bock. This move came as a complete surprise to the Shiner City Chamber of Commerce, who wasn’t aware of the brew-ery’s power to conduct affairs regarding the city’s sovereignty. “I had no idea that they could do something like this,” said Cindy Snar-bultuber, a member of the city’s Chamber of Commerce. “But you can’t argue with their facts. Personally I’ve never been to a bar that didn’t charge import prices for The Bock.” Fortunately, this event which will alter US domestic policy and millions of history books will have little to no effect to the common bar dweller, who was already used to Shiner being the exception on “2 dollar domestic” night.

Holy Law #99problems with this issue of the Rope, see if you can spot them all!

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We take the hard part out of reading.

“Alright gang, I’ll make the big call:

reservations for Shorty’s.” No reservation needed,

but still kind of a big deal.

“Golly gee! I wish all these words weren’t

in the way!”

PAGE 5 THE ROPE WWW.THENOZE.ORG

Due to recent con-struction, Baylor has seen a dramatic decrease in the student population that clas-sify themselves as “hip-sters.” This clique is known for their ragged hair, plaid clothing, obscure music taste, and intense apathy to-wards mostly everything. In order to discover the cause of this recent change, the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) set off to interview Baylor senior and local mu-sician Nathaniel Peacewater on the situation. “Baylor’s sold out, man,” claimed Peacewa-ter. “When I first got here, I could walk around campus without being assaulted by the horrible images and in-

fluences of mainstream so-ciety. Sure, there was Java City, but nobody had even heard of it, so it was okay. Now I can’t even eat lunch or go to the library without running into conventional advertisement campaigns and corporate breakfast munchies.” When asked what he thought about the opening of the Starbucks in the Moody Library Lobby, Peacewater rolled his blazed eyes and a joint. “It’s not that I don’t like the coffee. I mean, Bud-dha knows I love me a good double shot half-milk, extra whipped cream white choc-olate mochaccinospresso-latte and green tea while I’m

studying for my Violence in American Cinema class, but it’s just not a cool place to be.” Unfortunately for the Rope reporter on scene, Peacewater continued on: “There aren’t any couches for my friends and I to sit on, or even a stage to play that new song I wrote titled off of a lyric from a song by a band you’ve never heard of. Why is there no air con-ditioning? Where’s the low light? Where’s the ambi-ence, man?” At that point, Peacewater pulled out his iPhone and posted an angry status update on his Twitter account. After being rudely shunned by Peacerwater,

the Rope reporter decided to get some opinions at the “place of wrongful uncool-ness:” Einstein Bros. Ba-gels. There, a rather perky President Kenneth Starr was discovered enjoying a jalapeno bagel with cream cheese smear-wiz. Upon being ques-tioned about the complete overhaul of the Student Union Building, Starr re-sponded, “As it turns out, out-sourcing gardening to local inmates was a good cash-saver, so we just had all this money lying around in my office—I mean, in our savings—that we decided to give something back to the students for all their pres-

tige and hard work. Besides, who can talk trash about this wide variety of bagel choic-es? It’s dandy!” Starr also com-mented on the rapid decline of hipster attendance: “The National Association of Ed-ucation something or other is jumping down our throats for not reaching our quota. We are a loving, accepting university.” According to sourc-es close to the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, Starr’s last statement only applies to heterosexuals. If this trend con-tinues, Common Grounds may be forced to close, and fraternities will encounter more willing pledges.

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“I’ll get to you in a second,

but for my first miracle,

I’ll turn this basin of water

into a wine bar and bistro.”

And on that day Klassy Glass was created.

Each burger is

handmade by one

of our consumate

professionals.

The Big 12 Conference, still depressed after its messy divorce with Texas A&M, has taken a significant step back-wards on its journey towards acceptance. After the Aggies took the kids, the house, the car, and the dog, the lonely conference was left with nothing but an old jetski and a broken heart. It has been living in a cramped apartment in East Texas ever since, watching re-runs of Friends and drinking expired Budweiser. “I’ve really been in a bad slump lately,” the conference said with a sniffle. “Texas A&M meant so much to me. She got me through each day, but now I just rely on beer and my Sylvia Plath collection.” When Baylor (who’s always been eager to please any-one) heard about this misfortune, an e-mail was sent out to the Big 12. In the electronological-mail, which was intercepted by

the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, Baylor urged the conference to come down to Waco and unwind for a weekend of prayer and meditation. No one could have predicted what happened next. In an obvious refusal of spirituality, the Big 12 headed over to the hellish confines of Wild West. While there, he ran into an old friend from kindergarten, Texas Christian University. The Fort Worth native is no longer just the girl with the 98-count Crayolas and pig-tails. She is now the girl who wears too much mascara, but is also “wild, crazy, and lookin’ for a good confer-ence to please me ;)” (Sources: eHarmony, Zoosk, craigslist). “They danced rather suggestively to the popular Waco-area hit Party Rock Anthem,” said Matthew McDrunkenface. “I overheard that just one hour later, the two were photographed sneaking into Waco Hall, and who knows what they were doing in there. Probably something related to Pigskin preparations.”

According to a group of try-hard freshmen who arrived at Waco Hall early the next morning in a successful attempt to get good seats for Chapel, the Big 12 walked out the door, head hung in shame, and heading for work as quietly as possible. When asked what happened that fateful night, the con-fused, guilty conference only sighed and muttered about how tough the upcoming weeks would be. “TCU hasn’t stopped calling me,” the Big 12 lamented. “I’ve even changed phone numbers multiple times, and some-how TCU still finds a way to get in contact.” When questioned about the Big 12’s relationship with TCU, Baylor seemed a bit confused.“I don’t see why the Big 12 is embarrassed about what hap-pened. TCU may be a little homely, but I feel like once you get to know the two of them, it’s a good fit,” observed Baylor.

After several weeks of trying to give TCU what most FIJIs refer to as “the hint,” the Big 12 fell head over heels for West Virginia, a classy dame of a widower who hadn’t a second thought about the impending death of the Big East Conference. “Though beautiful, this mountaineering damsel can be quite manipulative,” Baylor said. “I’m also very against mar-riage after divorce. I am Baptist, after all.” The university con-tinued on, “Even though I’m also against premarital sex, the relationship between TCU and the Big 12 can be forged into a successful one.” The Noble NoZe Brotherhood, in alliance with the National Enquirer, will keep you updated on this relationship which could be destined for a great future characterized by lies and deceit.

In an interview between Baylor Great Text professor, Dr. Alli Teration and the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, Teration accused the incoming fresh-man class of plagiarism, a lack of creative thinking, and ‘all that jazz.’ “‘For Pete’s sake!’” she exclaimed, “‘Yester-day, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now I guess I just have to accept that ‘every rose has its thorn.’” Flabbergasted, the NoZe, who are ‘all in this together,’ replied “Well ‘hold your horses,’ and ‘don’t kick the bucket just yet!’ You have to ‘keep your chin up.’”

“‘Mark my words,’ the day for hopefulness is ‘gone like the wind.’ Even the University Scholars, in a ‘twist of fate,’ have ‘jumped on the bandwagon.’ These days I wouldn’t touch their cliché-ridden es-says with a ‘ten foot pole.’ I’m ‘throwing in the tow-el,’” Teration said. “‘Open up your mind’ and see it like I do,” Bro. TheNoZeous Monk chimed in. “I wish nothing but the best for you. My mama told me ‘when I was young’ ‘we are all born superstars’, and that includes you. I will ‘never say never;’ I will ‘fight till forever.’ After all, ‘it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.’”

“‘Another day, another dollar,’ I guess. Does this mean we have to ‘start at square one?’” queried Bro. TheNoZeous Monk. “Yes, but let’s not ‘beat’ around ‘the bush,’” replied Bro. TechNoZe Pop. “Don’t worry, their ‘bark is worse than their bite.’ And this time, ‘just to be safe,’ make sure you ‘don’t count your ‘chickens’ before they hatch.’ Seri-ously. It could lead to ‘unforseen consequences,’ ‘if you know what I mean.’”

After a quick panic attack about her whole ca-reer being a ‘fruitless fraud,’ Teration ‘pulled herself

together’ and set out to re-form the Great Texts and English programs. New provisions have been ‘set in stone’ to be enforced next semester. So to all

of you freshmen, you may want to learn some ‘new vocabulary’ and ‘limit’ yourself to only ‘ten Google’ searches while writing ‘papers.’

Cliches Are ‘Cat’s Pajamas,’ says NoZe Brother on ‘Cloud Nine’“Put Anything In ‘Quotations’ and It’s ‘Funny,’” Says Cunning Linguist

Following the upheaval on Wall Street, Baylor students, faculty and alumni rose to the call of duty and gath-ered on 5th street this past Friday evening demanding more space. The crowd chanted in unison: “We are some people who make up some percent of some whole number of people and we’re the people that want more space!” When Bro. NoZen On The Ritz drunkenly stumbled upon the crowd, he soberly wondered aloud: “What the marinara is going on in this pony park?” Members of each student group on cam-pus attempted to answer the Brother but their lack of consistent reasoning ren-dered the Brother comatose.

“We need more grayspace to park on!” shouted one KOT. “We need more greenspace to reach our 99.99% campus quota and be-come an Ivy League school!” lamented a delusional Chamber Pot. “We need Space Jamz to work on our pre-season drills!” cried others. Other issues being rallied for in-cluded lowering tuition and expectations, as well as better parking, most of which were completely ignored and substituted by more immediate necessities, such as edible cafeteria food and the reestablish-ment of the Baylor Anime Club. The protests were followed by a parade on Saturday morning. The floats and demonstrations constructed

by various societies and organizations on Baylor’s campus coagulated into one giant protestant processional. Among the amalgam was the Baylor Delusional Op-timist Committee shouting “this space is half full!” and the Biased and Poten-tially Threatening Incident Support Team (B.A.P.T.I.S.T.), who campaigned for more humorous acronyms to be used by student groups. The collaborative effort of stu-dent groups and alumni was surprising, with every organization except the Bay-lor Nihilist Society in attendance. Unfortunately for Baylor pro-testors, however, it seems like the ma-jority of supporters on 5th street will be reduced drastically come Monday.

Big Twelve Conference Accidentally Lets in TCU

#OccupyBaylor Floods 5th Street with ParadeLack of Coherant Plan Results in Awesome Floats

Visit Joy and Lady. They still look the same as they did five years ago, but you never know when their last day will be. Pay your respects before it’s too late.

Get drunk at Scruff’s.

See the Baylor football team in action against Mizzou. They’ve been struggling as of late, but they should win this one. Mizzou? I’m sorry, but we can’t find that on the map anywhere. We’ll assume that it’s some sort of foreign planet sending aliens to play football. As long as this particular alien civilization isn’t known for connections with Oklahoma State, we’ll be okay.

Get drunk at the Dancing Bear.

Visit your old professors. They’ll be thrilled to see that your hours of studying and thousands of dollars got you an average 9-5 desk job, enjoying the stellar benefits of corporate America.

Get drunk at Bush’s Chicken.

Don’t forget to say “hidey-ho” to God. You’re not a student anymore, so he’s not readily available to you like he used to be. He moves around quite a bit lately; sometimes he’s in Waco Hall, other times the Bobo Spiritual Life Center, and he was last seen at the FIJI house for their Halloween party. I heard it was even better than that time Jesus walked on water.

Get drunk at Penland.

Hang out with your old fraternity brothers. It’ll be so much fun discussing that time Gizmo took down a whole case of Keystone before his Business Writing exam. Oh, and remember the time Stan the Man jumped onto the beer pong table wearing nothing but that blue Speedo? Classic.

Back in Waco and Don’t Know

What to do?

The Big 12 Conference, still depressed after its messy divorce with Texas A&M, has taken a significant step back-wards on its journey towards acceptance. After the Aggies took the kids, the house, the car, and the dog, the lonely conference was left with nothing but an old jetski and a broken heart. It has been living in a cramped apartment in East Texas ever since, watching re-runs of Friends and drinking expired Budweiser. “I’ve really been in a bad slump lately,” the conference said with a sniffle. “Texas A&M meant so much to me. She got me through each day, but now I just rely on beer and my Sylvia Plath collection.” When Baylor (who’s always been eager to please any-one) heard about this misfortune, an e-mail was sent out to the Big 12. In the electronological-mail, which was intercepted by

the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, Baylor urged the conference to come down to Waco and unwind for a weekend of prayer and meditation. No one could have predicted what happened next. In an obvious refusal of spirituality, the Big 12 headed over to the hellish confines of Wild West. While there, he ran into an old friend from kindergarten, Texas Christian University. The Fort Worth native is no longer just the girl with the 98-count Crayolas and pig-tails. She is now the girl who wears too much mascara, but is also “wild, crazy, and lookin’ for a good confer-ence to please me ;)” (Sources: eHarmony, Zoosk, craigslist). “They danced rather suggestively to the popular Waco-area hit Party Rock Anthem,” said Matthew McDrunkenface. “I overheard that just one hour later, the two were photographed sneaking into Waco Hall, and who knows what they were doing in there. Probably something related to Pigskin preparations.”

According to a group of try-hard freshmen who arrived at Waco Hall early the next morning in a successful attempt to get good seats for Chapel, the Big 12 walked out the door, head hung in shame, and heading for work as quietly as possible. When asked what happened that fateful night, the con-fused, guilty conference only sighed and muttered about how tough the upcoming weeks would be. “TCU hasn’t stopped calling me,” the Big 12 lamented. “I’ve even changed phone numbers multiple times, and some-how TCU still finds a way to get in contact.” When questioned about the Big 12’s relationship with TCU, Baylor seemed a bit confused.“I don’t see why the Big 12 is embarrassed about what hap-pened. TCU may be a little homely, but I feel like once you get to know the two of them, it’s a good fit,” observed Baylor.

After several weeks of trying to give TCU what most FIJIs refer to as “the hint,” the Big 12 fell head over heels for West Virginia, a classy dame of a widower who hadn’t a second thought about the impending death of the Big East Conference. “Though beautiful, this mountaineering damsel can be quite manipulative,” Baylor said. “I’m also very against mar-riage after divorce. I am Baptist, after all.” The university con-tinued on, “Even though I’m also against premarital sex, the relationship between TCU and the Big 12 can be forged into a successful one.” The Noble NoZe Brotherhood, in alliance with the National Enquirer, will keep you updated on this relationship which could be destined for a great future characterized by lies and deceit.

In an interview between Baylor Great Text professor, Dr. Alli Teration and the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, Teration accused the incoming fresh-man class of plagiarism, a lack of creative thinking, and ‘all that jazz.’ “‘For Pete’s sake!’” she exclaimed, “‘Yester-day, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now I guess I just have to accept that ‘every rose has its thorn.’” Flabbergasted, the NoZe, who are ‘all in this together,’ replied “Well ‘hold your horses,’ and ‘don’t kick the bucket just yet!’ You have to ‘keep your chin up.’”

“‘Mark my words,’ the day for hopefulness is ‘gone like the wind.’ Even the University Scholars, in a ‘twist of fate,’ have ‘jumped on the bandwagon.’ These days I wouldn’t touch their cliché-ridden es-says with a ‘ten foot pole.’ I’m ‘throwing in the tow-el,’” Teration said. “‘Open up your mind’ and see it like I do,” Bro. TheNoZeous Monk chimed in. “I wish nothing but the best for you. My mama told me ‘when I was young’ ‘we are all born superstars’, and that includes you. I will ‘never say never;’ I will ‘fight till forever.’ After all, ‘it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.’”

“‘Another day, another dollar,’ I guess. Does this mean we have to ‘start at square one?’” queried Bro. TheNoZeous Monk. “Yes, but let’s not ‘beat’ around ‘the bush,’” replied Bro. TechNoZe Pop. “Don’t worry, their ‘bark is worse than their bite.’ And this time, ‘just to be safe,’ make sure you ‘don’t count your ‘chickens’ before they hatch.’ Seri-ously. It could lead to ‘unforseen consequences,’ ‘if you know what I mean.’”

After a quick panic attack about her whole ca-reer being a ‘fruitless fraud,’ Teration ‘pulled herself

together’ and set out to re-form the Great Texts and English programs. New provisions have been ‘set in stone’ to be enforced next semester. So to all

of you freshmen, you may want to learn some ‘new vocabulary’ and ‘limit’ yourself to only ‘ten Google’ searches while writing ‘papers.’

Cliches Are ‘Cat’s Pajamas,’ says NoZe Brother on ‘Cloud Nine’“Put Anything In ‘Quotations’ and It’s ‘Funny,’” Says Cunning Linguist

“I feel like we’re beating a dead horse at this point”Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe

Cunning Linguist

Big Twelve Conference Accidentally Lets in TCU

Robert Archibald, Junior: The Lariat Staff. The list of editors is ob-viously fake. Who would take responsi-bility for such a rag?

Jeff Walden, FIJI:Without a doubt, I’d have to say FIJI.

Ken Starr, El Presidente: Easily the French Club. Their meet-ings are so secret that they have their own language! No one in the group ever knows what’s going on, but they keep coming back every week.

NoZe in the Street Asks:

What’s your

favorite secret society

at Baylor?

While the male masses des-perately attempt to parade their pseudo-masculinity through the fabled 15th-century tradition known as “No-Shave November,” the fabled NoZe Brother-hood (Satch!) of Baylor University re-mains in a state of utter bewilderment, much to the surprise of the harmless scamps themselves. “I’ve been growing my beard out since my fourth birthday,” a confused Bro. Bear NoZecessities grumbled, after chopping down the maple tree on the front lawn of The Mansion. He then pro-ceeded to pour the finest Aunt Jemima’s Syrup over his light, fluffy pancakes on a rusty frying pan, making them deli-cious and succulent to the taste.

The legendary tradition, which dates back to the 8th century, has en-thralled the rest of the university. The Manly Men of Phi Kappa Chi have started a chart for who can grow the best facial hair, and the FIJI Famous have been growing out their pubic hair. Even though these contests seem super awesome, the general consensus around the Brotherhood remains one of apathy, which doesn’t come to the surprise of anyone who’s been around campus for more than 3 years. “I am just so tired of the imita-tors, you know?” Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory said. “Every time I go out in public, people think my beard is fake. Now everyone is butchering this tradi-

tion, which I believe dates back to the 2nd century.” The Brotherhood has joined an alliance with the Lumberjack Club in their efforts of not participating in “No-Shave November,” or as The Brawny Man (president of the Lumberjack Clun), refers to it: “I Hate Everybody Month.” However, the new Brotherhood/Lumberjack alliance is looking forward to celebrating Decimation December, Jolly January and most importantly, Free BooZe February.

NoZe Brotherhood Confused About “No-Shave November”

Available spots for the newest study abroad program, Baylor in Hell, are quickly running out. Contact Karla Leeper for more information on this life-changing experience which offers the following features:

Apartment-style living! (no air conditioners or water) Delicatessen such as the heads of Judas and Brutus! No travel costs!

All courses will be taught by Dr. Luci Q. Beelzebub, Baylor’s most recent hiree since reducing the number of Baptists on the Board of Regents. Courses include: Introduction to Atheism Environmental Destruction History of the Underworld Chapel (With Ryan Richardson, Resident Amateur Theologian) Wandering Aimlessly Through the Fires of Hell (HP Credit) Great Texts: From Dawkins to Meyer

For more information, look for kitschy flyers adorned with poor clip art.

WWW.THENOZE.ORG THE ROPE PAGE 8

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PAGE 9 THE ROPE WWW.THENOZE.ORGHorrifying Tales and The Accounts of The

Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid Bro. Honey Nut Cheeri-NoZe Since before I had even heard of Baylor, I dreamed of being a NoZe Broth-er and decided that I would do whatever was demanded of me to earn the honor. After realizing my damned calling, I overthrew my “Baylor girl” wardrobe and showed up to the bayou in the bear pit in off-brand running shorts, a properly fit t-shirt, and some trendy-as-shit TOMS. I was prepared for anything…so I thought. In the middle of the chorus of my favorite Hawthorne Heights song play-ing in my head, a smoke bomb flew from above. It blinded me and filled my nasal cavity with the beautiful, striking, ambro-sial, salient, disgusting, nasty, malicious, all-messed-up-up-in-here smell of Meow Mix. I was then suddenly surrounded by alien-like humans speaking foreign lan-guages. (I think it was a mix of Swahili and Pig Latin?) They bound my hands to my back with a rope (ah!) and told me to be funny while I was forced to crawl towards a vehicle (without wearing knee pads.) They hoisted me onto the roof of the car (I think it was a Mazda LaPuta) A hooded figure proceeded to drive for approximately four hours, twenty-seven minutes and eight seconds. Upon arrival, I was blindfolded and forced into a house reeking of alcohol, Sharpies, and some

strange drug the Brothers kept referring to as Soma. A rambunctious cat approached and attacked me. I was overcome by fe-rocious feline feelings of fierceness, but I soon realized that I was clearly inferior. I lost an arm, an eyebrow, my two favor-ite lymph nodes, and a hangnail that had been pestering me for days. Meanwhile, fifty men and El-mo-knows-how-many women constantly screamed into my ears: “Be funny!” I muttered the only thing I could remem-ber, which was how one of my old friends would refer to female genitalia as“hoo-ha.” It was funny in the safe hallways of high school, but here, it was a failure. Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any worse, they threw sporks at me and rubbed peanut butter in my hair, then psychologi-cally tortured me through the use of gro-tesque animals while I dodged lamps and vegetables. I also had the misfortune of passing a kidney stone, which was prob-ably brought about by all of the planking on the steps of the NoZe Mansion. Seven hours and twelve refer-ences to purchasing Louisiana later, I re-gained consciousness and found myself on the steps of Waco Hall, just in time for my 9:05 Chapel sesh. I hobbled in, armless, bald, and naked, knowing I had much to pray for.

This past weekend at a local Waco establishment known as Scruffy Murphy’s, out of three possible urinals, an extremely intoxicated patron chose to urinate in the urinal directly in the middle of the urinalconglomeration, much to the surprise of another intoxicated patron, urinating in the urinal directly to the right of where the other intoxicated urinating patron chose to urinate. “Well at first I was hoping he didn’t see me,” said the distraught patron, “but when he struck up a conversation and asked me how my night had been, I felt

pretty violated.” “Is this still going on!?” exclaimed an exasperated Bro. Obi Wan KeNoZebi. “I ran into a feller’ like that near nine years ago, and similarily lamented the situation in this publication!” Apparently, this particular in-toxicated patron has also been accused of drinking after complete strangers, farting in public, and lacking any significant amount of tact whatsoever. Students are advised to watch for this patron in every bar in the entire world, or in the mirror.

Drunk Guy Chooses Middle Urinal

Bro. Keyser NoZe They took me down. It was a Saturday night. Cold. Damp. My shoes were muddy as I stepped across Fountain Mall, trekking towards my rendezvous at the parting of the red sea. I could smell the faint aroma of freshman waste as it wafted through the steaming sewer grate. To be sure, I was home. Then they took me down. Bright lights and the smell of cheap cigars. I should check to see if the ghetto HEB is out of Black & Milds. They’re questioning me now. What’s my credo? What’s my modus operandi? What is my third favorite pre-Socratic philoso-pher? I tell them Socrates with a laugh. It’s a joke; I probably should have said Thales. Many questions and fewer beers later, and I’m back where I began. Still walking towards the red sea. Where’s Moses when you need him? Then they took me down. Mood lighting and the smell of pipe tobacco. I think I hear Miles Davis. I should check to see if Oprah just did a special show on jazz. They’re talking to me now. You love my credo? You dig my modus operandi? Where do I come up with my jokes? I’m willing to admit that Anaximenes might have been funnier. Cracking philosophy jokes does lend it-self to second-guessing. Chew on that one

for a while. Thirty-three Trivial Pursuit questions and five glasses of wine later, and I’m back where I began. I don’t think I’ll ever reach the Red Sea. I can hear hoof beats behind me. Then they took me down. Halogen bulbs and the smell of, well, nothing. I just saw someone look-ing over my shoulder. I should check to see if I’m right. What is he saying to me? My credo doesn’t matter? You don’t give a damn about my modus operandi? Thales and Anaximenes are both wrong, and I still don’t know anything about pre-Socratic philosophy? What’s that old saying? Whoever has the power is always right. I think that’s the one. Fifty blanks and a glass of water later, and I’m back where I began. I think I can see it now. Then they took me down. Moon light and the smell of my failure. I hear someone crying. There’s no one here to talk to me. You know, I don’t really give a damn about my credo, and I don’t think my modus operandi was ever important. I still might read up on my Thales, if I can ever get off the ground. Is this what it takes for someone to realize the truth? Am I the only one who’s fallen in this spot? I’m so close to the end, but I can’t move. I can see across the divide, though. And she’s smiling

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We Had It Coming…by: Theodore Snartletuber, freshman

Baylor has lost 51% of its Baptist Gen-eral Convention of Texas funding, and to be honest, we are fortunate to have maintained that much. I walk around campus and see obvious and flagrant anti-Baptist activities. On a weekly basis, Baylor Student Activities knowingly rents a sound system to the Baylor Swing Dance So-ciety. Hopefully unknown to Student Activities, those swing-dancing hooligans also practice their dancing on campus! Baptism, and therefore Baptists (a Bap-tism affiliated denomination), is the lynchpin of Christian brotherhood and activity. I am remind-ed of my favorite band NeedToBreathe and their song “Washed by the WATER.” The tune tells me Even when the rain falls/even when the flood starts rising/even when the storm comes/I am washed by the WATER. While I realize emphasis via ‘all caps’ is a tool only used by elementary school bound products, the obvious emphasis is necessary here. Jesus was dunked by John the Baptist and we have lost track of the importance of that wa-ter here at Baylor. An even more outlandish violation of Baptist beliefs is the fact that Baylor has been distributing drugs to their students and charging them excessive prices for a fix. Come on Baylor, $4.50 for a cup of caffeine infused hot water? It is widely known that caffeine is the most abused drug in the country, and our university is fuel-ing this startling activity. Little known fact: the only beverage served at BGCT meetings is wine. They insist, “If it’s good enough for our Savior, it’s good enough for us.” You may say that the BGCT claimed that they reduced funding because Baylor al-lows non-Baptists heathens to become members of the board of regents, but this is impossible to swallow. To believe that the BGCT, a morally re-sponsible body of Baptist believers, would deny good Baptist students the ability to continue their Baptist education based upon the actions of Baylor’s non-student governing body is absurd! This decision is obviously a reflection upon mor-ally incompetent students who have strayed too far from The Flock. The Baptist General Convention of Texas represents a moral imperative, a city on a hill, a light in the darkness. It is our duty, as Baptists, to restore their trust. Being Christian is necessary for being a Baptist, but just because you get into Heaven doesn’t mean you get a holy hot tub.

Sincerely, Losing My Religion

WWW.THENOZE.ORG EDITORIALS PAGE 10

Dear Lorde MayorImportant Answers to Unimportant Questions

Dear Lorde Mayor, I’ve been thinking a lot lately; specifically about the economic crisis that has been troubling our nation. Al-though the anarchists on Wall Street seem to think that that a middle-class uprising will bring about a renewed sense of public economic awareness and eventually lead to a governmental crackdown on the inappropriate use of corporate dollars to control policy so as to favor corporate prosperity by means of longevity over well-being of individuals, specifically the protection services promised to all Americans by the constitution, but how does that all relate to me as a part of the lonely 1%?

- Trying to Understand It All

Dear Antioch Member, No, I will still not go to life group with you.

Dear Lorde Mayor Aww shucks man. Those guys down in College Station beat us, and fart if I’m not lick-slickin mad. Smh. They were all like “Sucks to BU,” and I was all like “Well, at least, and… you suck!” How can I really get back at those dweebs????

–Angry as Kanye’ at the VMA’s

Dear every third guy living in Mar-tin, Since none of you went down to the game, I don’t suggest full fron-tal confrontations. You’re not smart, so I wouldn’t suggest writing witty quips about it. You’re not athletic, so I don’t suggest trying out for the football team. For the average Baylor Joe like yourself, I suggest going out into the yard, digging a hole, and filling it back up. Better yet, dig a hole, put yourself in it, then have a friend fill it back up.

Dear Lorde Mayor, We have seen sharp rises in sales this quarter, and we believe your group is solely responsible. However, sales only rose on one product. What can we do to convince you to diversify your buying?

- Creators of the most invigorating scent known to man

Dear Fabreeze, attn. The department that creates Brazilian Carnival We are happy to be a patron of the most seductive of air freshen-ers known as “Brazilian Carnival,” but have no interest in the rest of your products that smell like old gramda. However, if you wish to send us stickers depicting the exhilarating “Brazilian Carnivals,” or any and all things related to the provoking and stimulating “Brazilian Carnival,” e-mail us. (Note: no offense intended towards old grandmas)

By: Kristina D. Erp Gosh, I’m like soo mad. It’s just not fair. I called my dad to ask him for a few hundred dollars to buy some new boots, and guess what he said? “No.” I was all, “Whaaa? Excuse me, but Fall is coming and I need a fresh look to distract people from my personal-ity.” He obviously didn’t buy that just because I’m awe-some, attractive, and prolly the most humble person I know.

Who cares if the economy is in the toilet? It doesn’t mean he can’t splurge and buy me expensive things that I don’t actually need. I’m sooo gonna marry a rich man. One that loves me hard enough to buy me anything. You can learn to love a guy if he has enough money, right? I’m going to be honest. If I had to choose between love and money, I’d probably go with money. 50% of marriages last, but money is awesome 100% of the time.

By: Harold J. Crochety In order to fill the numeric void in their ranks, I pro-pose that the Big 12 holds a competition to determine which teams will be allowed to join the conference next year. With the recent loss (if you can call it that) of A&M and the addi-tion of TCU (ditto), the biggy Big is still left at an unchanged 10-team attendance, a number that last time I checked does not equal twelve. Even with West Virginia, this leaves an unchecked chair at the big kid table, and what better way to decide who gets it than a little friendly competition? In suggest a no-holds-barred 10-man-team battle royale including any schools who are willing. The winning team’s school will be awarded the remaining conference po-sition, as well as full rides for all surviving participants and a hefty sum to cover medical expenses, burials, and property damages. Due to complications in previous attempts at simi-

lar competitions, some ground rules should be set in stone this time around: Only certified colleges and universities are allowed to enter. (Due to some miscommunication in 1987, Univer-sity High School suffered a number of losses after attempt-ing to “Trojan Beagle” their way into the tournament.) No robot or non-sentient artificial intelligence units are to be substituted for competitors; teams must be at least 85% natural human. (Rice, I’m talking to you). Tournament must remain within boundaries of the abandoned Fort Saragene military base located in Western-Central Mojave Desert. Surrounding areas off limits, and NO CAMPING. So if you’ve ever wanted to ride with the big boys, now’s your chance! Just gather your meanest, toughest stu-dents, maybe throw in a couple of troublemakers, and email your application to Karla_Leeper@baylor.edu.

This Economy Thing Totally Sucks!

Proposed Battle Royale for Big 12 Opening

PAGE 11 THE ROPE WWW.THENOZE.ORG

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