Job2011

1:20-22

20Then Job got up and tore his robe. He shaved his head, and then he threw himself down with his face to the ground.  21He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will return there. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. May the name of the LORD be blessed!"  22In all this Job did not sin, nor did he charge God with moral impropriety.

I really do not understand a few things here. First all of this that happened did not seem to be Job’s fault. Second I do not understand why God would allow or give authority to Satan to do what he has done to his household and his sons and daughters. However, could anyone have blamed Job for getting upset and sinning against God? I really do not understand how Job could be like this.

2:10

10But he replied, "You're talking like one of the godless women would do! Should we receive what is good from God, and not also receive what is evil?" In all this Job did not sin by what he said.

Can I really bring myself to this point where I can accept not only the good that can or will happen… but also the bad and/or evil that God brings around me? How do I bring myself tot this point?

3:1-10

1After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day he was born.  2Job spoke up and said:

 3"Let the day on which I was born perish,and the night that said,'A man has been conceived!' 4That day - let it be darkness;let not God on high regard it,nor let light shine on it! 5Let darkness and the deepestshadow claim it;let a cloud settle on it;let whatever blackens the day terrify it! 6That night - let darkness seize it;let it not be included among the days of the year;let it not enter among the number of the months! 7Indeed, let that night be barren;let no shout of joy penetrate it! 8Let those who curse the day curse it -those who are prepared to rouse Leviathan. 9Let its morning stars be darkened;let it wait for daylight but find none,nor let it see the first rays of dawn, 10because it did not shut the doors of my mother's womb on me,nor did it hide trouble from my eyes!

3:1-10 Continued

This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel so rejected. I feel as if it had been better had my mother not of had that one-night-stand. I feel as if it had been better had she not of went ahead and had me. I find myself wishing that she had gone ahead and had the abortion. I really feel as if what the point of it all. I never really had a chance did I? It would have been better had she aborted me, instead of giving power to that demon known as rejection. Then I would not have walked on the earth for the last 28 years and to be free from many of these demons… only to have everything around me broken and in pieces and as far as I can tell, no way to fix it.

4:18-21

18If God puts no trust in his servants

and attributes folly to his angels, 19how much more to those who live in houses of clay,whose foundation is in the dust,who are crushed like a moth? 20They are destroyed between morning and evening;they perish forever without anyone regarding it. 21Is not their excess wealth taken away from them?They die, yet without attaining wisdom.

• This seems to have me think that with all that I have done that God would still carry out his vengeance upon me with all of this. Especially if he does this with his very angels.

5:7

7but people are born to trouble,

as surely as the sparks fly upward.

I was definitely nothing but trouble from my conception.

5:17

17"Therefore, blessed is the man whom God corrects,

so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.

Is all of this discipline that you are doing for me Lord, or is it punishment? Or is there a difference in the two? It really feels like punishment to me. Where is your perfect love? If I am blind to it being discipline then let me know and open my eyes.

6:1-3

1Then Job responded:

 2"Oh, if only my grief could be weighed,and my misfortune laid on the scales too! 3But because it is heavier than the sand of the sea,that is why my words have been wild.

Everything around me feels heavier then the sand of the sea. Can nothing be lifted to make it seem lighter? Or am I just to get more weight added?

6:9-129And that God would be willing to crush me,

that he would let loose his handand kill me. 10Then I would yet have my comfort,then I would rejoice,in spite of pitiless pain,for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One. 11What is my strength, that I should wait?and what is my end,that I should prolong my life? 12Is my strength like that of stones?or is my flesh made of bronze?

• I really wish that if I am truly doomed in all of this that God would just allow death to take me and get it over with. I really do not have the strength to go on. I do not see anything being broken and fixed and set right. I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel I seem to be in is so dark that even Hell seems to have more light. Is this truly the way Lord? Is there no light? Can nothing be fixed?

9:16

16If I summoned him, and he answered me,

I would not believethat he would be listening to my voice

In my prayers today, and many yesterday, I feel as if I cannot bring myself to believe that God would listen. All I see is that God has grown deaf ears to me or is covering His ears.

10:1

"I am weary of my life;

I will complain without restraint;I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.

This is exactly like I feel. I want to complain and not be restrained. For much of my life, I feel as if I had to hold back and not complain. I had to not have my childhood. I did not have a loving mother and/or father as so many people I know do. I feel as if I have a right to voice this stuff and I want it be heard. Will God listen? Does He care? I do not know.

10:18-1918"Why then did you bring me out from the womb?

I should have diedand no eye would have seen me! 19I should have been as though I had never existed;I should have been carriedright from the womb to the grave!

This is a very good question. Why was I brought out of the womb? Why could Marcy have not aborted me. I really wish with how I perceive my situation that I had not been born. I really wish I had not even existed. What purpose was there? Was it for me to be free from all these demons and only to have this giant mess in my life with no way for it to be repaired or fixed or healed.

10:22

22to the land of utter darkness,

like the deepest darkness,and the deepest shadow and disorder,where even the light is like darkness."

This is how I see things in my life. Everything is dark and everything is empty.

12:13-15

13"With God are wisdom and power;

counsel and understanding are his. 14If he tears down, it cannot be rebuilt;if he imprisons a person, there is no escape. 15If he holds back the waters, then they dry up;if he releases them, they destroy the land.

Did God finally bring this destruction and brokenness around me now? If so then all hope is lost. I am doomed.

13:4

4But you, however, are inventors of lies;

all of you are worthless physicians!

This is how I feel about the amount of people I have seen and brought up things with (especially counselors and pastors) until recently. They have not done what should have happened years ago. I could have been free and this “mess” could have been repaired. Alas! All is broke.

13:15-16

15Even if he slays me, I will hope in him;

I will surely defend my ways to his face! 16Moreover, this will become my deliverance,

Exactly how I feel now. I feel as if God is my only hope… but I would really rather he just slay me and get it over with. At least I would be delivered from all of these things that have surrounded my life.

13:23-2823How many are my iniquities and sins?

Show me my transgression and my sin. 24Why do you hide your faceand regard me as your enemy? 25Do you wish to torment a windblown leafand chase after dry chaff? 26For you write down bitter things against meand cause me to inherit the sins of my youth. 27And you put my feet in the stocksand you watch all my movements;you put marks on the soles of my feet. 28So I waste away like something rotten,like a garment eaten by moths.

• I want o know this. How many sins are there Lord that have not been wiped away? Was this not accomplished upon my confession Lord? Did your blood miss me, Lord? Did you forget me? Do you hide from me? Am I like Esau to you? Am I like all the nations that the Hebrews wiped out after entering into your Promised Land that you promised Abraham? Answer me Lord, or I will waste way to nothing.

16:18

18"O earth, do not cover my blood,nor let there be a secret place for my cry.

Please hear my cries Lord. Do not ignore me and hide from me Lord.

17

My spirit is broken,

my days have faded out,the grave awaits me.

I feel as if my spirit can not be anymore broken then it is now. That all I have left is destruction and maybe even the grave. What hope is there? All victory seems to be in the hands of your demons. Are you not stronger then them. If your word is accurate it is not enough that they have been driven from me. Your word says that you can heal and fix that which is broke. How can you do this when all around me everything is in shambles. My situation would be like smashing glass and getting it to the point where it is like sand. It could not be put together again.

17:7

7My eyes have grown dim with grief;

my whole frame is but a shadow.

please lord remove my grief Lord and move in my life.

18:21

21'Surely such is the residence of an evil man;

and this is the place of one who has not known God.'"

When Job’s friend, Bilidad says this, is this my home now? Have I gone to far? Have I sinned to much? Was my heart to evil for God to remove me from this “residence?”

22:22

Accept instruction from his mouth

and store up his words in your heart.

Is this not my attempt? Then why does it seem futile? Why does it seem as if nothing I do will make amends? Why does it seem like all is wrong in my life, and nothing will be fixed?

23:13-14

13But he is unchangeable, and who can change him?

Whatever he has desired, he does. 14For he fulfills his decree against me,and many such things are his plans.

If this is what he has desired in the wake of my freedom what can I do?

30:16-17

16"And now my soul pours itself out within me;

days of suffering take hold of me. 17Night pierces my bones;my gnawing pains never cease.

Is this all I have to look forward to Lord, suffering? Is this all that are there for the rest of my days? Is there no comfort? Or if there is comfort is it short lived? Is it more and more and keep coming? Is the only thing that I know that there is something is in the hunger pains that I have in my life?

31:7

7If my footsteps have strayed from the way,

if my heart has gone after my eyes,or if anything has defiled my hands,

Since Monday especially, have I done this, Lord? Is this why you are punishing me? If so then reveal to me what I have done. Reveal to me how I have walked away from your path.

33:9-11

9 'I am pure, without transgression;

I am clean and have no iniquity. 10 Yet God finds occasions with me;he regards me as his enemy! 11 He puts my feet in shackles;he watches closely all my paths.'

Was I not made this way upon your blood. Do you still seek to bind me due to my sin? Do you still seek to find fault and error with me? If so, please reveal it before me and put me and help me to know how to turn. Or do you seek to punish me Lord?

36:5

5Indeed, God is mighty; and he does not despise people,

he is mighty, and firm in his intent.

Why, then do you seem to despise me now, Lord?

42:10-1710So the LORD restored what Job had lost after he prayed for his friends, and the LORD doubled all that had belonged to Job.  11So they came to him, all his brothers and sisters and all who had known him before, and they dined with him in his house. They comforted him and consoled him for all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.

 12So the LORD blessed the second part of Job's life more than the first. He had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys.  13And he also had seven sons and three daughters.  14The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah, and the third Keren-Happuch.  15Nowhere in all the land could women be found who were as beautiful as Job's daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance alongside their brothers.

 16After this Job lived 140 years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.  17And so Job died, old and full of days.

Lord, is there any hope of things being restored in my life? Is there anything that you can do? I really want to believe that all that is around me will be put right? I have much doubt and I have much confusion about things now. I want things to be restored. I want to believe what I am going through is not you punishing me. I want to believe that all is not lost. I want to believe that all my efforts are not in vain. I wan to know that you can bring reconciliation into my life. I want to believe that your demons didn’t win (even that last battle). I want to believe that they are not now laughing and mocking me from the Abyss and/or Hell. I want to believe that you can reconcile me and Mary. There are many more things I want to believe now that I cannot think to write about. However, I ask one thing in all of this: Please help me with my doubt and help me in the areas that I have just mentioned.