Jivometrics

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08/23/2006 09:he Valve - A Literary Organ | Jivometrics

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Saturday, August 19, 200

JivometricsPosted by Bill Benzon on 08/19/06 at 11:15 AM

Back in the mid 1990s, about the time Mosaic was being unleashed on the internet, I met a fellow in the

African-American Forum at AOL Online. Called himselfCuda Brown. We hit it off and began emailing

privately. Before you know it we were collaborating on a website called Meanderings - which later became

Gravity. Cuda did most of the work, including all of the HTML coding and the back-end database coding. I

helped editorially, wrote some pieces, and did some art.

One day I sent Cuda an email containing a spur-of-the moment paragraph satirizing Afrocentrism,

something much discussed at Meanderings. While Cuda and I were sympathetic, we were doubtful about th

more inventive flavors of the brew. Thus I had improvised something about golf being invented by one

Pharoah Golfotep: the white-shoe ultimate Anglo-Saxon country club plus-fours game was invented in

ancient Egypt. What could be sillier?Over the next two weeks, however, this little bit of satire jes grew an

grew, like Topsy, and became something else.

So, we posted it in Meanderings, which may have become Gravityby that time, I forget. And people read

In time, however, Gravitydied. Since then Ive been looking for a place to revive Fore Play. Well, here it

is. Lets call it a cultural studies primer for the new millennium.

Some of it is a bit dated. Who remembers Dennis Rodman, much less his experimental tonsorial stylings? I

the mid 90s Tiger Woods was more potential than galaxy-class achievementbut what potential! Since the

boom boxes have bifurcated into iPods and beat boxes. And tapes, who listens to tapes anymore? Muggle

hadnt become a Potteresque term of art forwell, just what exactly, non-magicals? (Ive never read any o

the books.) Back then I used it as the name of a Louis Armstrong blues and Im sticking to it. Its also old

New Orleans slang for something Bill Clinton didnt inhale.

Otherwise, its pretty much now as it was then. Only back then the turn of the millennium was in the futur

Now its in the past.

Fore Play:A Lesson in Jivometric Drummology

Jefferson Ribonucleic Parker IV

aka

Mr. Ribs

Tiger Woods is only the most recent in a long line of fine black golfers. In saying that I refer to players oth

than the moderns such as Charles Sifford, Jim Thorpe, Jim Dent, Lee Elder, Calvin Peete, and Renee Powel

Truth be told, the tradition of sepia swing masters started in ancient Egypt, where the game was invented


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In that company Woods would be no more than a middling player.

By todays standards Tiger is ferociously talented and filled with promise for the future. Perhaps hell becom

the best in post-modern times, the primo putter of the 21st Century, the first master to break par on the

New Savanna. But those African drivers of ancient Egypt were giants the like of which havent been seen in

thousands of years.

Their stories, like so many stories, have been suppressed by the Europeans. Fortunately many of those

stories have been collected by The Order of Mystic Jewels for the Propagation of Grace, Right Living, andSaturday Night through Historic Intervention by Any Means Necessary. The Jewels are dedicated to

preserving the ancient stories and to intervening in history in ways variously clever and indirect. They are

the chief source of that version of Afrocentric thinking known as Jivometric Drummology. In her classic

study, Klactoveededstene: Riffing the Noumena, Ella Birks Roach defined the basic concept thus:

Jivometric Drummology: A philosophical system grounded in African and African-American

musical practice. Drummology indicates that the governing logos is that of the drum, of

rhythm, of hands and sticks coaxing sound from skin, of people joining together, each playing a

simple rhythm, with the many simple rhythms melting into a single stream of infinite diversity.

Jivometric is here because of the way it rolls off the tongue and tickles the ear; its meaning is

secondary to its sound. Jivometrics is thus a principle of grace. When jivometrics is in play outer

sonic auras join in the creation of tones played by no one, but heard by all. A treatise may have

drummological ideas, but if the language lacks grace, then the treatise is not jivometric

jiveturkey is all too often the appropriate term. In the most profound works of this school

jivometrics and drummology are joined through agape.

The Mystic Jewels, however, are not mere signifiers. They signify with a stern purpose. For example, Harrie

Beecher Stowe was invented by the Mystic Jewels. They knew the abolitionists would never get beyond a lo

of grand indignant talking so they figured a novel that stirred the imagination would be just the thing. A

light-skinned sister named Eleanor Gough McKay changed her name to Harriet Beecher, married Calvin

Stowe, and wrote Uncle Toms Cabin. That book, as President Abraham Lincoln acknowledged, is what gav

the North the guts to wage the Civil War.

Anyhow, my mothers father, Cassius Photon Gaillard, aka Slim, was a Mystic Jewel and took a special

interest in the history of golf. The following story is based on information from his papers.

The Origin of Golfand

the Lights in the Sky

Golf was invented by the ancient Egyptians. Most of the details have been lost, but the general shape and

thrust of the story has been preserved.

It began in the reign of Pharaoh Ramses Golfotep LVII of the N Baa Dynasty. One day Rams was hangingout with some of his friends in the Lark Meadow gazebo at his summer palace. As usual, they were playing

bid whist and sipping Mount Gay and Coke, with a twist of lemon. As so often happens, they got to talkin

trash about their wives and girl friends. Ramses talked about how he particularly liked going into a special

glade with his wife Cleopatra and a boom box loaded with some righteous jams. The best time was early

evening when things were cooling down and the sun lit the sky with orange fire. Theyd meander down thi

long narrow opening among the palms and get to a secluded spot ringed with patches of sand. The ground

was firm and the grass kept closely cropped so they could dance freely. Inevitably the dancing would lead


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a little fooling around, and that little fooling around generally led to more and before you know it Cleo was

baking Ramses sweet potato in her oven. That was some fine sweet potato pie theyd cook up. Yes indeed

So, Ramses and his friends kept talking and drinking and talking and drinking and before you knew it they

were chasing a lemon around, trying to roll it into an emply goblet that had fallen on the ground. It was a

lot of fun and they decided to do it again. Once a week or so theyd get together in the gazebo, break out

the Mount Gay, and go out to the Lark Meadow to fool around with the lemons. In the course of about a

year or so they structured this camelsplay into the game we now know as golf.

The ancient game was a bit different from the modern one. In the first place, the course was layed out in

three sets of nine holes, for a total of 27, rather than the modern 18. 27 is the 3rd power of 3, and thus

brings the basic design into agreement with the ternary basis of the underlying rhythms in ancient Egyptia

music. Par three holes typically varried between 200 and 250 meters while par fives were between 500 and

600 meters. Par for a single round was 108.

However, the most significant differences between the ancient and modern games involved the finely-tune

geometric judgment and kinematic finesse of greens play. The ancients mastered putting so quickly that th

rules had to be changed to make putting even more difficult. Inspired by Monty Pythons Ministry of Silly

Walks routine, the rules committee, officially called the Jive Adjudicators and Soul Satisficers (JASS),

required that all putts be executed while the player is standing on only one leg, with alternation from one

leg to the other being required from one green to the next. When that became too easy they decided thatall putts less than a meter long were to be executed from a headstand position. On the front nine players

were required hold the putter in one hand only, their choice, using the other hand to maintain balance. On

the middle nine they were required to hold the putter in both hands. The concentration and balance thus

required taxed the ability of even those magnificient athletes. The JASS decided that those with a handica

above 13 were allowed to use a head ring to help them maintain stability. On the back nine players were

required to use both hands for balance and support and to execute the stroke with their legs, which were

bent from the hips so that they stood out at a right angle from the body. The caddy would then place the

putter between the players knees and the player would execute the stroke with a twistiing movement

starting in the torso and continuing to the legs. In time, as knowledge of the game made its way to India,

meadering from village to village, town to town, and city to city, the system of putting postures became

separated from golf itself and evolved into the spiritual practice of Hatha Yoga. But thats another story, tobe told at another time, in another place.

There were a few players, Golfotep LVII among them, who mastered these challenges and aspired to more

For awhile Rams had been thinking about going to Dennis Rodmans hair stylist and, just has he had

reluctantly concluded that such outrageousness would not be appropriate to his imperial position (not that

there was anything imperial about some of the advanced Tantric positions he assumed with Cleo the

Riggish, but that was private business between him and his beloved), he had yet another one of his

jivometric mind jolts. The idea was to cut the grass on the greens to three lengths, 1.5, 2, and 2.5

centimeters, so that patterns could be inscribed on the surfaces of those greens. These patternsstripes

and geometrics, swirls and fractals, lilies, roses, fig trees, the burning bush, ravens, lions, dolphins,

Sojourner Truth, Daisetz Suzuki, Elvis Presley, Benazir Bhutto, Kareem Abdul-Jabar, Sequoyah, Martin

Buber, Confucius, Kwame Nkrumah, passages from the Talmud, Lysistrata, Bardo Thodol, Roman de la

Rose, Bhagavad Gita, Vibe, Othello, I Ching, Essence, Madame Bovary, Beloved, Alice in Wonderland, The

Garden of the Forking Paths, etc. - made it much more difficult to judge the balls roll, as the path general

cut across, at least a few if not many, patches of varied-length grass. On those greens where pattern

intricacy was above 5 on a 7-point scale the players were allowed to use computer simulation to test

alternative combinations of stroke direction and force before actually executing the putt.

Clearly this new game required new gardens expressly designed to meet its demands in a surprising but

felicitous way. And so Ramses issued a royal decree and it was built: the Imperial Xanadu Golforama. It ha


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sparkling brooks and fragrant cedars among the ancient forests. The clubhouse was one of the wonders of

the ancient world. The icy wine cellars had rare vintages from all over and the domed ballroom featured th

finest music for your dancing pleasure: Jelly Roll Liszt and his Red Hot Peppers, Ammon Bechet and the

Swinging Scarabs, the Nomo Percussion Ensemble, featuring Zutty Pozo Addy, Nadja James and her Swing

Sisters Seven, Rudy Zerafinos Copascetic Syncopators, Duke Prez Earl and HonoriffX, the Hawk Cheops

Orchestra, Ziggy ben Jammin and The Great Sphinx Riddle Masters, and, greatest of all, the Mighty Royal

Roof Raisers, led by Daniel Louis Satchotep II, also known as King Toot.

And toot he did. When he was on his form couldnt nobody keep from dancing and dancing. On a bad nighhe was better than most, popping those high Cs like they were birds lined up on a telephone wire. But on

good night, the Tootman was the baaadest horn player in the world, and then some! He could bring sight t

the deaf, sound to the blind, make a lame man talk, and inspire the dumb to walk. He was mean!

But he couldnt bring light to the night. And that was a problem. You see, in those ancient days there

werent any stars or planets. Not even the moon. Just the sun and the earth. So, it was real dark at night,

darker than you can possibly imagine. Of course, they had torches and whale oil lanterns and Zippo lighter

They could see enough to get around. But it was a drag and so unfriendly. Now that people were always o

late dancing it got real oppresive coming home under that infinitely dark sky.

Ramses thought about it every day for years and finally he had an idea. He got his clubs and several

buckets of balls and went to the top of the highest pyramid. Once there he started hitting the balls as hardand far as he possibly could. 500 meters, 550, 563, he kept hitting them farther and farther. After three

weeks he was approaching 600 meters. But ten weeks after that he wasnt hitting them any farther. He wa

up against a wall.

Then he had an another idea. He got King Toots latest tape, Tight Like This, popped it in the Grand High

Imperial Boom Box, and once more mounted the Big One. He teed up a Simulacrum II, took out his belove

No. 3 Jivometric Umoja Slammer and turned on the box. Slowly he started moving to the music,

harmonizing his movement, summoning the Inner Spirit, the Ka force, easing into a righteous groove. As t

music started coming up on Toots first solo chorus Ramses laid his eye out there on the ball, went into a

backswing and as Toots hit his first note, Ramses connected with the ball and knocked it a full kilometer.

Solid.

Of course, since he started so high in the air, he had an advantage over contemporary golfers. Yet, a

kilometer on the fly is pretty impressive anytime anywhere anyhow. The man was cooking! Within two hou

he was up to ten kilometers. Breakthrough!

The next day he decided live music would be even more effective. He brought King Toot and the cats with

him and they laid down some serious riffs. They started with a hot version ofStruttin with Some Barbecue

one of the Rib mans favorites, if I do say so myself, and I do - and Ramses swung into some serious

slamming. By the end of the day he had knocked one all the way to the headwaters of the Nile. It flew so

fast you could see a heat trail shimmering in the air. About ten minutes later they heard it land, tchhcck! i

a birds nest. Over the next few weeks that nest floated to the Mediterranean and became the island of

Crete. The day after that King Toots Gully Low Blues inspired Rams to loft five into North America wheretheir impact craters became the Great Lakes.

On the next day Golfotep achieved orbit for the first time. Toot rounded 3rd base heading into the final

chorus ofCornet Chop Sueyand Whrzhaap! To the moon Alice! To the moon! There it was, for the first

time, the moon. One groovin swing by a man, one giant step for mankind. Yo! Toot my man, hows bout

few hits ofMuggles? You got it Rams. Thuuunnk! with the No. 3 Slammer and Mars bestrode the

heavens. A couple of choruses into Hotter Than Thatand Wuzzschkk! Venus was up there making bed-tim

eyes to the world. Then Mercury, Saturn, & its moons, Jupiter, & its moons, Neptune, Uranus, Pluto, &


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another handfull of moons scattered here and about. Of course, those arent the real names. The real nam

have been lost, erased from history by Nineteenth Century European Running Dog Jackal Pig Facist Raciall

Deluded Honkey Imperialist White-Face Round-Eyed Devils.

I digress.

That night there was light in the sky for the first time. The cool cats and jazz babies were delirious with joy

They danced and sang and balled the jack till the cows came marching Johnny home on the range where th

buffalo roam from sea to shining amber waves of amen brothers and sisters praise the lord shalom-a-ramdama ding dong daddy from Dumas gonna do muh stuff with YOU baby! The day after that Ramses hit a

zillion more into the heavens and created the asteroids. The next day he hit a gazillion more and there

were all the stars and the so-called Milky Way - alas more white-washing.

A little smooth sippin

Gets the honey drippin

A little sweet talkin

Gets the hips rockin

A little righteous jammin

Gets the backswing slammin

Thats how black folks invented golf and brought light to the night.

Kusa mura ya:

Na mo shiranu,

Shiroku saku.

[Among the grasses,

An unknown flower

Blooming white.]

And thats the truth, Ruth.

About the Author

Jefferson Ribonucleic Parker IV is Director of Abyssinian Memorial Parlor, Inc., a funeral home in

Baltimore that was started by his great-grandfather, Jefferson Ribonucleic Parker I. His friends

call him Mr. Ribs, mainly because they cant pronounce his middle name and dont much trust it.

Mr. Ribs has a B.A. in Music Education from Morgan State University and a Ph. D. in History from

Howard University. Hes an honorary Fellow of the Mudbone Institute for Advanced Studies in

the Sepia Sciences, past President of the Left Bank Jazz Society, has served on the board of

Baltimores Interdenominational Ministerial Alliance and maintains a box seat at the Camden

Yards baseball park: Strictly for pleasure mind you, but Im not adverse to spicing up my

pleasure with a little business.

Comments

Now we can do a little observation. After I posted this article I did a Google search on jivometrics. Since

this article, and thus that word, had been on the web beforefor a number of yearsI figured there might

be record of it somewhere, or some use of jivometics. The search turned up empty.

I just did a another search and Googles picked up this post. Its also been mentioned on digg There were

two or three other hits too, but I couldnt find the word anywhere on those pages.


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BTW, Im pretty sure I know who posted the article to digg. No, it wasnt me. It was Cuda Brown. Least I

think it was.

By Bill Benzon on 08/20/06 at 08:17 PM | Permanent link to this comment

And then there is this:

check out the plus-fours

By Bill Benzon on 08/20/06 at 08:33 PM | Permanent link to this comment

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