Jer Dreams

8/13/2019 Jer Dreams

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DREAMS

By Jerome K. Jerome

The most extraordinary dream I ever had was one in which I fancied that,

as I was oin into a theater, the c!oa"#room attendant sto$$ed me inthe !o%%y and insisted on my !eavin my !es %ehind me.

I was not s&r$rised' indeed, my ac(&aintanceshi$ with theater har$ies

wo&!d $revent my fee!in any s&r$rise at s&ch a demand, even in my

wa"in moments' %&t I was, I m&st honest!y confess, considera%!y

annoyed. It was not the $ayment of the c!oa"#room fee that I so m&ch

minded##I offered to ive that to the man then and there. It was the

$artin with my !es that I o%)ected to.

I said I had never heard of s&ch a r&!e %ein attem$ted to %e $&t in

force at any res$ecta%!e theater %efore, and that I considered it a mosta%s&rd and vexatio&s re&!ation. I a!so said I sho&!d write to The Times

a%o&t it.

The man re$!ied that he was very sorry, %&t that those were his

instr&ctions. *eo$!e com$!ained that they co&!d not et to and from

their seats comforta%!y, %eca&se other $eo$!e+s !es were a!ways in

the way' and it had, therefore, %een decided that, in f&t&re, every%ody

sho&!d !eave their !es o&tside.

It seemed to me that the manaement, in ma"in this order, had c!ear!y

one %eyond their !ea! riht' and, &nder ordinary circ&mstances, I

sho&!d have dis$&ted it. Bein $resent, however, more in the

character of a &est than in that of a $atron, I hard!y !i"e to ma"e a

dist&r%ance' and so I sat down and mee"!y $re$ared to com$!y with the

demand.

I had never %efore "nown that the h&man !e did &nscrew. I had a!ways

tho&ht it was a fixt&re. B&t the man showed me how to &ndo them, and I

fo&nd that they came off (&ite easi!y.

The discovery did not s&r$rise me any more than the oriina! re(&estthat I sho&!d ta"e them off had done. othin does s&r$rise one in a

dream.

I dreamed once that I was oin to %e haned' %&t I was not at a!!

s&r$rised a%o&t it. o%ody was. My re!ations came to see me off, I

tho&ht, and to wish me -ood#%y/- They a!! came, and were a!! very

$!easant' %&t they were not in the !east astonished##not one of

them. Every%ody a$$eared to reard the comin traedy as one of the

most#nat&ra!!y#to#%e#ex$ected thins in the wor!d.

They %ore the ca!amity, %esides, with an amo&nt of stoicism that wo&!dhave done credit to a S$artan father. There was no f&ss, no scene. 0n

the contrary, an atmos$here of mi!d cheerf&!ness $revai!ed.

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2et they were very "ind. Some%ody##an &nc!e, I thin"##!eft me a $ac"et

of sandwiches and a !itt!e somethin in a f!as", in case, as he said, I

sho&!d fee! $ec"ish on the scaffo!d.

It is -those twin#)ai!ers of the darin- tho&ht, Know!ede and

Ex$erience, that teach &s s&r$rise. 3e are s&r$rised and incred&!o&swhen, in nove!s and $!ays, we come across ood men and women, %eca&se

Know!ede and Ex$erience have ta&ht &s how rare and $ro%!ematica! is

the existence of s&ch $eo$!e. In wa"in !ife, my friends and re!ations

wo&!d, of co&rse, have %een s&r$rised at hearin that I had committed a

m&rder, and was, in conse(&ence, a%o&t to %e haned, %eca&se Know!ede

and Ex$erience wo&!d have ta&ht them that, in a co&ntry where the

!aw is $owerf&! and the $o!ice a!ert, the 4hristian citi5en is &s&a!!y

$retty s&ccessf&! in withstandin the voice of tem$tation, $rom$tin him

to commit crime of an i!!ea! character.

B&t into Dream!and, Know!ede and Ex$erience do not enter. They staywitho&t, toether with the d&!!, dead c!ay of which they form a $art'

whi!e the freed %rain, re!eased from their narrowin t&te!ae, stea!s

soft!y $ast the e%on ate, to wanton at its own sweet wi!! amon the

ma5y $aths that wind thro&h the arden of *erse$hone.

othin that it meets with in that eterna! !and astonishes it %eca&se,

&nfettered %y the dense conviction of o&r wa"in mind, that no&ht

o&tside the "en of o&r own vision can in this &niverse %e, a!! thins

to it are $ossi%!e and even $ro%a%!e. In dreams, we f!y and wonder

not##exce$t that we never f!ew %efore. 3e o na"ed, yet are not ashamed,

tho&h we mi!d!y wonder what the $o!ice are a%o&t that they do not sto$

&s. 3e converse with o&r dead, and thin" it was &n"ind that they did

not come %ac" to &s %efore. In dreams, there ha$$ens that which h&man

!an&ae cannot te!!. In dreams, we see -the !iht that never was on sea

or !and,- we hear the so&nds that never yet were heard %y wa"in ears.

It is on!y in s!ee$ that tr&e imaination ever stirs within &s. Awa"e,

we never imaine anythin' we mere!y a!ter, vary, or trans$ose. 3e ive

another twist to the "a!eidosco$e of the thins we see aro&nd &s, and

o%tain another $attern' %&t not one of &s has ever added one tiniest

$iece of new !ass to the toy.

A Dean Swift sees one race of $eo$!e sma!!er, and another race of $eo$!e

!arer than the race of $eo$!e that !ive down his own streets. And he

a!so sees a !and where the horses ta"e the $!ace of men. A B&!wer 6ytton

!ays the scene of one of his nove!s inside the earth instead of o&tside.

A Rider 1aard introd&ces &s to a !ady whose ae is a few years more

than the averae woman wo&!d care to confess to' and $ict&res cra%s

!arer than the &s&a! shi!!in or eihteen#$enny si5e. The n&m%er of so

ca!!ed imainative writers who visit the moon is !eion, and for a!!

the nove!ty that they find, when they et there, they miht )&st as we!!

have one to *&tney. 0thers are contin&a!!y drawin for &s visions ofthe wor!d one h&ndred or one tho&sand years hence. There is a!ways a

de$ressin a%sence of h&man nat&re a%o&t the $!ace' so m&ch so, that one

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fee!s reat conso!ation in the tho&ht, whi!e readin, that we o&rse!ves

sha!! %e comforta%!y dead and %&ried %efore the $ict&re can %e rea!i5ed.

In these $ro$hesied 7to$ias every%ody is $ainf&!!y ood and c!ean and

ha$$y, and a!! the wor" is done %y e!ectricity.

There is somewhat too m&ch e!ectricity, for my taste, in these wor!ds

to come. 0ne is reminded of those $ictoria! ename!#$aint advertisementsthat one sees a%o&t so often now, in which a!! the mem%ers of an

extensive ho&seho!d are re$resented as athered toether in one room,

s$readin ename!#$aint over everythin they can !ay their hands &$on.

The o!d man is on a ste$#!adder, da&%in the wa!!s and cei!in with

-c&c"oo+s#e reen,- whi!e the $ar!or#maid and the coo" are on their

"nees, $aintin the f!oor with -sea!in#wax red.- The o!d !ady is doin

the $ict&re frames in -terra cotta.- The e!dest da&hter and her yo&n

man are ma"in s!y !ove in a corner over a $ot of -hih art ye!!ow,-

with which, so soon as they have finished wastin their time, they

wi!!, it is manifest, $roceed to e!evate the $iano. 2o&ner %rothers

and sisters are %&sy freshenin &$ the chairs and ta%!es with-straw%erry#)am $in"- and -)&%i!ee maenta.- Every %!essed thin in that

room is %ein coated with ename! $aint, from the sofa to the fire#irons,

from the side%oard to the eiht#day c!oc". If there is any $aint !eft

over, it wi!! %e &sed &$ for the fami!y Bi%!e and the canary.

It is c!aimed for this invention that a !itt!e chi!d can ma"e as m&ch

mess with it as can a rown#&$ $erson, and so a!! the chi!dren of

the fami!y are re$resented in the $ict&re as hard at wor", ename!in

whatever few artic!es of f&rnit&re and ho&seho!d &se the ras$in

se!fishness of their e!ders has s$ared to them. 0ne is $aintin the

toastin for" in a -s"im#mi!" %!&e,- whi!e another is ivin aesthetica!

va!&e to the D&tch oven %y means of a new shade of art reen. The

%oot)ac" is %ein renovated in -o!d o!d,- and the %a%y is sittin on

the f!oor, smotherin its own crad!e with -f!&sh#&$on#a#maiden+s chee"

$each co!or.-

0ne fee!s that the thin is %ein overdone. That fami!y, %efore another

month is one, wi!! %e amon the stronest o$$onents of ename! $aint

that the cent&ry has $rod&ced. Ename! $aint wi!! %e the r&in of that

once ha$$y home. Ename! $aint has a co!d, !assy, cynica! a$$earance.

Its $resence everywhere a%o&t the $!ace wi!! %ein to irritate the o!dman in the co&rse of a wee" or so. 1e wi!! ca!! it, -This damn+d stic"y

st&ff/- and wi!! te!! the wife that he wonders she didn+t $aint herse!f

and the chi!dren with it whi!e she was a%o&t it. She wi!! re$!y, in an

exas$eratin!y (&iet tone of voice, that she does !i"e that. *erha$s he

wi!! say next, that she did not warn him aainst it, and te!! him what

an idiot he was ma"in of himse!f, s$oi!in the who!e ho&se with his

foo!ish fads. Each one wi!! $ersist that it was the other one who first

s&ested the a%s&rdity, and they wi!! sit &$ in %ed and (&arre! a%o&t

it every niht for a month.

The chi!dren havin ac(&ired a taste for sm&din the concoction a%o&t,and there %ein nothin e!se !eft &nto&ched in the ho&se, wi!! try to

ename! the cat' and then there wi!! %e %!oodshed, and %ro"en windows,

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and s$oi!ed infants, and sorrows and ye!!s. The sme!! of the $aint wi!!

ma"e every%ody i!!' and the servants wi!! ive notice. Tradesmen+s

%oys wi!! !ean &$ aainst $!aces that are not dry and et their c!othes

ename!ed and c!aim com$ensation. And the %a%y wi!! s&c" the $aint off

its crad!e and have fits.

B&t the $erson that wi!! s&ffer most wi!!, of co&rse, %e the e!destda&hter+s yo&n man. The e!dest da&hter+s yo&n man is a!ways

&nfort&nate. 1e means we!!, and he tries hard. 1is reat am%ition is

to ma"e the fami!y !ove him. B&t fate is ever aainst him, and he on!y

s&cceeds in ainin their &ndis&ised contem$t. The fact of his %ein

-one- on their Emi!y is, of itse!f, nat&ra!!y s&fficient to stam$ him

as an im%eci!e in the eyes of Emi!y+s %rothers and sisters. The father

finds him s!ow, and thin"s the ir! miht have done %etter' whi!e the

%est that his f&t&re mother#in#!aw 8his so!e s&$$orter9 can say for him

is, that he seems steady.

There is on!y one thin that $rom$ts the fami!y to to!erate him, andthat is the ref!ection that he is oin to ta"e Emi!y away from them.

0n that &nderstandin they $&t &$ with him.

The e!dest da&hter+s yo&n man, in this $artic&!ar case, wi!!, yo&

may de$end &$on it, choose that exact moment when the %a%y+s !ife is

hoverin in the %a!ance, and the coo" is waitin for her waes with

her %ox in the ha!!, and a coa!#heaver is at the front door with a

$o!iceman, ma"in a row a%o&t the damae to his tro&sers, to come in,

smi!in, with a s$ecimen $ot of some new hih art, s(&ashed#tomato#shade

ename! $aint, and s&est that they sho&!d try it on the o!d man+s $i$e.

Then Emi!y wi!! o off into hysterics, and Emi!y+s ma!e $roenitor wi!!

firm!y %&t (&iet!y !ead that i!!#starred yet tr&e#hearted yo&n man to

the $&%!ic side of the arden#ate' and the enaement wi!! %e -off.-

Too m&ch of anythin is a mista"e, as the man said when his wife

$resented him with fo&r new hea!thy chi!dren in one day. 3e sho&!d

$ractice moderation in a!! matters. A !itt!e ename! $aint wo&!d have

%een ood. They miht have ename!ed the ho&se inside and o&t, and have

!eft the f&rnit&re a!one. 0r they miht have co!ored the f&rnit&re, and!et the ho&se %e. B&t an entire!y and com$!ete!y ename!ed home##a

home, s&ch as ename!#$aint man&fact&rers !ove to $ict&re on their

advertisements, over which the yearnin eye wanders in vain, see"in one

sin!e s(&are inch of &n#ename!ed matter##is, I am convinced, a mista"e.

It may %e a home that, as the testimonia!s ass&re &s, wi!! easi!y wash.

It may %e an -artistic- home' %&t the averae man is not yet ed&cated &$

to the a$$reciation of it. The averae man does not care for hih art.

At a certain $oint, the averae man ets sic" of hih art.

So, in these comin 7to$ias, in which o&t &nha$$y randchi!dren wi!!

have to dra o&t their co!or!ess existence, there wi!! %e too m&che!ectricity. They wi!! row to !oathe e!ectricity.

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E!ectricity is oin to !iht them, warm them, carry them, doctor them,

coo" for them, exec&te them, if necessary. They are oin to %e weaned

on e!ectricity, roc"ed in their crad!es %y e!ectricity, s!a$$ed %y

e!ectricity, r&!ed and re&!ated and &ided %y e!ectricity, %&ried %y

e!ectricity. I may %e wron, %&t I rather thin" they are oin to %e

hatched %y e!ectricity.

In the new wor!d of o&r $roressionist teachers, it is e!ectricity that

is the rea! motive#$ower. The men and women are on!y marionettes##wor"ed

%y e!ectricity.

B&t it was not to s$ea" of the e!ectricity in them, %&t of the

oriina!ity in them, that I referred to these wor"s of fiction. There

is no oriina!ity in them whatever. 1&man tho&ht is inca$a%!e of

oriina!ity. o man ever yet imained a new thin##on!y some variation

or extension of an o!d thin.

The sai!or, when he was as"ed what he wo&!d do with a fort&ne, $rom$t!yre$!ied:

-B&y a!! the r&m and +%accy there is in the wor!d.-

-And what after that;- they as"ed him.

-Eh;-

-3hat wo&!d yo& %&y after that##after yo& had %o&ht &$ a!! the r&m and

to%acco there was in the wor!d##what wo&!d yo& %&y then;-

-After that; 0h/ +&m/- 8a !on $a&se9. -0h/- 8with ins$iration9 -why,

more +%accy/-

R&m and to%acco he "new somethin of, and co&!d therefore imaine a%o&t.

1e did not "now any other !&x&ries, therefore he co&!d not conceive of

any others.

So if yo& as" one of these 7to$ian#dreamin entry what, after they had

sec&red for their wor!d a!! the e!ectricity there was in the 7niverse,

and after every morta! thin in their idea! *aradise, was done and saidand tho&ht %y e!ectricity, they co&!d imaine as f&rther necessary to

h&man ha$$iness, they wo&!d $ro%a%!y m&se for awhi!e, and then re$!y,

-More e!ectricity.-

They "now e!ectricity. They have seen the e!ectric !iht, and heard of

e!ectric %oats and omni%&ses. They have $ossi%!y had an e!ectric shoc"

at a rai!way station for a $enny.

Therefore, "nowin that e!ectricity does three thins, they can o on

and -imaine- e!ectricity doin three h&ndred thins, and the very reat

ones amon them can imaine it doin three tho&sand thins' %&t forthem, or any%ody e!se, to imaine a new force, tota!!y &nconnected

with and different from anythin yet "nown in nat&re, wo&!d %e &tter!y

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im$ossi%!e.

1&man tho&ht is not a firewor", ever shootin off fresh forms and

sha$es as it %&rns' it is a tree, rowin very s!ow!y##yo& can watch it

!on and see no movement##very si!ent!y, &nnoticed. It was $!anted in

the wor!d many tho&sand years ao, a tiny, sic"!y $!ant. And men &arded

it and tended it, and ave &$ !ife and fame to aid its rowth. Inthe hot days of their yo&th, they came to the ate of the arden and

"noc"ed, %ein to %e !et in, and to %e co&nted amon the ardeners.

And their yo&n com$anions witho&t ca!!ed to them to come %ac", and $!ay

the man with %ow and s$ear, and win sweet smi!es from rosy !i$s, and

ta"e their $art amid the feast, and dance, not stoo$ with wrin"!ed

%rows, at wea"!ins+ wor". And the $assers %y moc"ed them and ca!!ed

shame, and others cried o&t to stone them. And sti!! they stayed there

!a%orin, that the tree miht row a !itt!e, and they died and were

forotten.

And the tree rew fair and stron. The storms of inorance $assed overit, and harmed it not. The fierce fires of s&$erstition soared aro&nd

it' %&t men !ea$ed into the f!ames and %eat them %ac", $erishin, and

the tree rew. 3ith the sweat of their %row have men no&rished its reen

!eaves. Their tears have moistened the earth a%o&t it. 3ith their %!ood

they have watered its roots.

The seasons have come and $assed, and the tree has rown and f!o&rished.

And its %ranches have s$read far and hih, and ever fresh shoots are

%&rstin forth, and ever new !eaves &nfo!din to the !iht. B&t they

are a!! $art of the one tree##the tree that was $!anted on the first

%irthday of the h&man race. The stem that %ears them s$rins from the

nar!ed o!d tr&n" that was reen and soft when white#haired Time was a

!itt!e chi!d' the sa$ that feeds them is drawn &$ thro&h the roots that

twine and twist a%o&t the %ones of the aes that are dead.

The h&man mind can no more $rod&ce an oriina! tho&ht than a tree can

%ear an oriina! fr&it. As we!! miht one cry for an oriina! note in

m&sic as ex$ect an oriina! idea from a h&man %rain.

0ne wishes o&r friends, the critics, wo&!d ras$ this sim$!e tr&th, and

!eave off c!amorin for the im$ossi%!e, and %ein shoc"ed %eca&se theydo not et it. 3hen a new %oo" is written, the hih#c!ass critic o$ens

it with fee!ins of faint ho$e, tem$ered %y stron conviction of comin

disa$$ointment. As he $ores over the $aes, his %row dar"ens with

virt&o&s indination, and his !i$ c&r!s with the od!i"e contem$t that

the exce$tiona!!y reat critic ever fee!s for every%ody in this wor!d,

who is not yet dead. B&oyed &$ %y a to&chin, %&t tota!!y fa!!acio&s,

%e!ief that he is $erformin a $&%!ic d&ty, and that the rest of the

comm&nity is waitin in %reath!ess s&s$ense to !earn his o$inion of the

wor" in (&estion, %efore formin any )&dment concernin it themse!ves,

he, neverthe!ess, weari!y str&!es thro&h a%o&t a third of it. Then

his !on#s&fferin so&! revo!ts, and he f!ins it aside with a cry ofdes$air.

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-3hy, there is no oriina!ity whatever in this,- he says. -This %oo" is

ta"en %odi!y from the 0!d Testament. It is the story of Adam and Eve a!!

over aain. The hero is a mere man/ with two arms, two !es, and a head

8so ca!!ed9. 3hy, it is on!y Moses+s Adam &nder another name/ And the

heroine is nothin %&t a woman/ and she is descri%ed as %ea&tif&!, and

as havin !on hair. The a&thor may ca!! her +Ane!ina,+ or any other

name he chooses' %&t he has evident!y, whether he ac"now!edes itor not, co$ied her direct from Eve. The characters are %arefaced

$!aiarisms from the %oo" of enesis/ 0h/ to find an a&thor with

oriina!ity/-

0ne s$rin I went a wa!"in to&r in the co&ntry. It was a !orio&s

s$rin. ot the sort of s$rin they ive &s in these misera%!e times,

&nder this shame!ess overnment##a mixt&re of east wind, %!i55ard, snow,

rain, s!&sh, fo, frost, hai!, s!eet and th&nder#storms##%&t a s&nny,

%!&e#s"y+d, )oyo&s s$rin, s&ch as we &sed to have re&!ar!y every year

when I was a yo&n man, and thins were different.

It was an exce$tiona!!y %ea&tif&! s$rin, even for those o!den days'

and as I wandered thro&h the wa"in !and, and saw the dawnin of the

comin reen, and watched the %!&sh &$on the hawthorn hede, dee$enin

each day %eneath the "isses of the s&n, and !oo"ed &$ at the $ro&d o!d

mother trees, dand!in their myriad %a%y %&ds &$on their stron fond

arms, ho!din them hih for the soft west wind to caress as he $assed

!a&hin %y, and mar"ed the $rimrose ye!!ow cree$ across the car$et of

the woods, and saw the new f!&sh of the fie!d and saw the new !iht on

the hi!!s, and heard the new#fo&nd !adness of the %irds, and heard

from co$se and farm and meadow the timid ca!!ins of the !itt!e new#%orn

thins, wonderin to find themse!ves a!ive, and sme!t the freshness of

the earth, and fe!t the $romise in the air, and fe!t a stron hand in

the wind, my s$irit rose within me. S$rin had come to me a!so, and

stirred me with a strane new !ife, with a strane new ho$e I, too,

was $art of nat&re, and it was s$rin/ Tender !eaves and %!ossoms were

&nfo!din from my heart. Briht f!owers of !ove and ratit&de were

o$enin ro&nd its roots. I fe!t new strenth in a!! my !im%s. ew %!ood

was $&!sin thro&h my veins. o%!er tho&hts and no%!er !onins were

thro%%in thro&h my %rain.

As I wa!"ed, at&re came and ta!"ed %eside me, and showed me the wor!dand myse!f, and the ways of od seemed c!earer.

It seemed to me a $ity that a!! the %ea&tif&! and $recio&s tho&hts and

ideas that were crowdin in &$on me sho&!d %e !ost to my fe!!ow#men, and

so I $itched my tent at a !itt!e cottae, and set to wor" to write them

down then and there as they came to me.

-It has %een com$!ained of me,- I said to myse!f, -that I do not write

!iterary and hih c!ass wor"##at !east, not wor" that is exce$tiona!!y

!iterary and hih#c!ass. This re$roach sha!! %e removed. I wi!! write

an artic!e that sha!! %e a c!assic. I have wor"ed for the ordinary,every#day reader. It is riht that I sho&!d do somethin now to im$rove

the !iterat&re of my %e!oved co&ntry.-

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And I wrote a rand essay##tho&h I say it who sho&!d not, tho&h I

don+t see why I sho&!dn+t##a!! a%o&t s$rin, and the way it made yo&

fee!, and what it made yo& thin". It was sim$!y crowded with e!evated

tho&hts and hih#c!ass ideas and c&!t&red wit, was that essay. There

was on!y one fa&!t a%o&t that essay: it was too %ri!!iant. I wanted

common$!ace re!ief. It wo&!d have exha&sted the averae reader' so m&chc!everness wo&!d have wearied him.

I wish I co&!d remem%er some of the %ea&tif&! thins in that essay, and

here set them down' %eca&se then yo& wo&!d %e a%!e to see what they

were !i"e for yo&rse!ves, and that wo&!d %e so m&ch more sim$!er than

my ex$!ainin to yo& how %ea&tif&! they were. 7nfort&nate!y, however, I

cannot now ca!! to mind any of them.

I was very $ro&d of this essay, and when I ot %ac" to town I ca!!ed on

a very s&$erior friend of mine, a critic, and read it to him. I do not

care for him to see any of my &s&a! wor", %eca&se he rea!!y is a verys&$erior $erson indeed, and the $er&sa! of it a$$ears to ive him $ains

inside. B&t this artic!e, I tho&ht, wo&!d do him ood.

-3hat do yo& thin" of it;- I as"ed, when I had finished.

-S$!endid,- he re$!ied, -exce!!ent!y arraned. I never "new yo& were

so we!! ac(&ainted with the wor"s of the o!d writers. 3hy, there is

scarce!y a c!assic of any note that yo& have not (&oted from. B&t

where##where,- he added, m&sin, -did yo& et that !ast idea %&t two

from; It+s the on!y one I don+t seem to remem%er. It isn+t a %it of yo&r

own, is it;-

1e said that, if so, he sho&!d advise me to !eave it o&t. ot that it

was a!toether %ad, %&t that the inter$o!ation of a modern tho&ht amon

so &ni(&e a co!!ection of $assaes from the ancients seemed to s$oi! the

scheme.

And he en&merated the vario&s dead#and#%&ried ent!emen from whom he

a$$eared to thin" I had co!!ated my artic!e.

-B&t,- I re$!ied, when I had recovered my astonishment s&fficient!y tos$ea", -it isn+t a co!!ection at a!!. It is a!! oriina!. I wrote the

tho&hts down as they came to me. I have never read any of these $eo$!e

yo& mention, exce$t Sha"es$eare.-

0f co&rse Sha"es$eare was %o&nd to %e amon them. I am ettin to

dis!i"e that man so. 1e is a!ways %ein he!d &$ %efore &s yo&n a&thors

as a mode!, and I do hate mode!s. There was a mode! %oy at o&r schoo!,

I remem%er, 1enry S&mmers' and it was )&st the same there. It was

contin&a!!y, -6oo" at 1enry S&mmers/ he doesn+t $&t the $re$osition

%efore the ver%, and s$e!! %&siness %#i#5/- or, -3hy can+t yo& write

!i"e 1enry S&mmers; 1e doesn+t et the in" a!! over the co$y#%oo" andha!f#way &$ his %ac"/- 3e ot tired of this ever!astin -6oo" at 1enry

S&mmers/- after a whi!e, and so, one afternoon, on the way home, a few

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of &s !&red 1enry S&mmers &$ a dar" co&rt' and when he came o&t aain he

was not worth !oo"in at.

ow it is $er$et&a!!y, -6oo" at Sha"es$eare/- -3hy don+t yo& write !i"e

Sha"es$eare;- -Sha"es$eare never made that )o"e. 3hy don+t yo& )o"e !i"e

Sha"es$eare;-

If yo& are in the $!ay#writin !ine it is sti!! worse for yo&. -3hy

don+t yo& write $!ays !i"e Sha"es$eare+s;- they indinant!y say.

-Sha"es$eare never made his comic man a $enny steam%oat ca$tain.-

-Sha"es$eare never made his hero address the ir! as +d&c"y.+ 3hy don+t

yo& co$y Sha"es$eare;- If yo& do try to co$y Sha"es$eare, they te!! yo&

that yo& m&st %e a foo! to attem$t to imitate Sha"es$eare.

0h, sho&!dn+t I !i"e to et Sha"es$eare &$ o&r street, and $&nch him/

-I cannot he!$ that,- re$!ied my critica! friend##to ret&rn to o&r

$revio&s (&estion##-the erm of every tho&ht and idea yo& have otin that artic!e can %e traced %ac" to the writers I have named. If

yo& do&%t it, I wi!! et down the %oo"s, and show yo& the $assaes for

yo&rse!f.-

B&t I dec!ined the offer. I said I wo&!d ta"e his word for it, and wo&!d

rather not see the $assaes referred to. I fe!t indinant. -If,- as

I said, -these men##these *!atos and Socrateses and 4iceros and

So$hoc!eses and Aristo$haneses and Aristot!es and the rest of them had

%een ta"in advantae of my a%sence to o a%o&t the wor!d s$oi!in my

%&siness for me, I wo&!d rather not hear any more a%o&t them.-

And I $&t on my hat and came o&t, and I have never tried to write

anythin oriina! since.

I dreamed a dream once. 8It is the sort of thin a man wo&!d dream.

2o& cannot very we!! dream anythin e!se, I "now. B&t the $hrase so&nds

$oetica! and %i%!ica!, and so I &se it.9 I dreamed that I was in a

strane co&ntry##indeed, one miht say an extraordinary co&ntry. It was

r&!ed entire!y %y critics.

The $eo$!e in this strane !and had a very hih o$inion ofcritics##near!y as hih an o$inion of critics as the critics themse!ves

had, %&t not, of co&rse, (&ite##that not %ein $ractica%!e##and they had

areed to %e &ided in a!! thins %y the critics. I stayed some years in

that !and. B&t it was not a cheerf&! $!ace to !ive in, so I dreamed.

There were a&thors in this co&ntry, at first, and they wrote %oo"s. B&t

the critics co&!d find nothin oriina! in the %oo"s whatever, and said

it was a $ity that men, who miht %e &sef&!!y em$!oyed hoein $otatoes,

sho&!d waste their time and the time of the critics, which was of sti!!

more im$ortance, in strinin toether a co!!ection of $!atit&des,

fami!iar to every schoo!#%oy, and dishin &$ o!d $!ots and stories thathad a!ready %een coo"ed and recoo"ed for the $&%!ic &nti! every%ody had

%een s&rfeited with them.

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And the writers read what the critics said and sihed, and ave &$

writin %oo"s, and went off and hoed $otatoes' as advised. They had

had no ex$erience in hoein $otatoes, and they hoed very %ad!y' and

the $eo$!e whose $otatoes they hoed stron!y recommended them to !eave

hoein $otatoes, and to o %ac" and write %oo"s. B&t yo& can+t do what

every%ody advises.

There were artists a!so in this strane wor!d, at first, and they

$ainted $ict&res, which the critics came and !oo"ed at thro&h

eye!asses.

-othin whatever oriina! in them,- said the critics' -same o!d co!ors,

same o!d $ers$ective and form, same o!d s&nset, same o!d sea and !and,

and s"y and fi&res. 3hy do these $oor men waste their time, $aintin

$ict&res, when they miht %e so m&ch more satisfactori!y em$!oyed on

!adders $aintin ho&ses;-

othin, %y the %y, yo& may have noticed, tro&%!es yo&r critic more than

the idea that the artist is wastin his time. It is the waste of time

that vexes the critic' he has s&ch an exa!ted idea of the va!&e of other

$eo$!e+s time. -Dear, dear me/- he says to himse!f, -why, in the time

the man m&st have ta"en to $aint this $ict&re or to write this %oo",

he miht have %!ac"ed fifteen tho&sand $airs of %oots, or have carried

fifteen tho&sand hods of mortar &$ a !adder. This is how the time of the

wor!d is !ost/-

It never occ&rs to him that, %&t for that $ict&re or %oo", the artist

wo&!d, in a!! $ro%a%i!ity, have %een mo&chin a%o&t with a $i$e in his

mo&th, ettin into tro&%!e.

It reminds me of the way $eo$!e &sed to ta!" to me when I was a %oy.

I wo&!d %e sittin, as ood as o!d, readin -The *irate+s 6air,- when

some c&!t&red re!ative wo&!d !oo" over my sho&!der and say: -Bah/ what

are yo& wastin yo&r time with r&%%ish for; 3hy don+t yo& o and do

somethin &sef&!;- and wo&!d ta"e the %oo" away from me. 7$on which I

wo&!d et &$, and o o&t to -do somethin &sef&!'- and wo&!d come home

an ho&r afterward, !oo"in !i"e a %it o&t of a %att!e $ict&re, havin

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As for the $oets and sc&!$tors, they were very soon sh&t &$. The idea of

any ed&cated $erson wantin to read modern $oetry when he co&!d o%tain

1omer, or carin to !oo" at any other stat&e whi!e there was sti!! some

of the =en&s de Medicis !eft, was too a%s&rd. *oets and sc&!$tors were

on!y wastin their time.

3hat new occ&$ation they were recommended to ado$t, I foret. Some

ca!!in they "new nothin whatever a%o&t, and that they were tota!!y

&nfitted for, of co&rse.

The m&sicians tried their art for a !itt!e whi!e, %&t they, too, were

of no &se. -Mere!y a re$etition of the same notes in different

com%inations,- said the critics. -3hy wi!! $eo$!e waste their time

writin &noriina! m&sic, when they miht %e swee$in crossins;-

0ne man had written a $!ay. I as"ed what the critics had said a%o&t him.

They showed me his tom%.

Then, there %ein no more artists or >!itterate&rs> or dramatists or

m&sicians !eft for their %e!oved critics to criticise, the enera!

$&%!ic of this en!ihtened !and said to themse!ves, -3hy sho&!d not o&r

critics come and criticise &s; 4riticism is &sef&! to a man. 1ave we

not often %een to!d so; 6oo" how &sef&! it has %een to the artists and

writers##saved the $oor fe!!ows from wastin their time; 3hy sho&!dn+t

we have some of its %enefits;-

They s&ested the idea to the critics, and the critics tho&ht it an

exce!!ent one, and said they wo&!d &nderta"e the )o% with $!eas&re. 0ne

m&st say for the critics that they never shir" wor". They wi!! sit and

criticise for eihteen ho&rs a day, if necessary, or even, if (&ite

&nnecessary, for the matter of that. 2o& can+t ive them too m&ch to

criticise. They wi!! criticise everythin and every%ody in this wor!d.

They wi!! criticise everythin in the next wor!d, too, when they et

there. I ex$ect $oor o!d *!&to has a !ive!y time with them a!!, as it

is.

So, when a man %&i!t a ho&se, or a farm#yard hen !aid an e, the

critics were as"ed in to comment on it. They fo&nd that none of theho&ses were oriina!. 0n every f!oor were $assaes that seemed mere

co$ies from $assaes in other ho&ses. They were a!! %&i!t on the same

hac"neyed $!an' ce!!ars &nderneath, ro&nd f!oor !eve! with the street,

attic at the to$. o oriina!ity anywhere/

So, !i"ewise with the es. Every e s&ested reminiscences of other

es.

It was heartrendin wor".

The critics criticised a!! thins. 3hen a yo&n co&$!e fe!! in !ove,they each, %efore thin"in of marriae, ca!!ed &$on the critics for a

criticism of the other one.

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eed!ess to say that, in the res&!t, no marriae ever came of it.

-My dear yo&n !ady,- the critics wo&!d say, after the ins$ection had

ta"en $!ace, -I can discover nothin new whatever a%o&t the yo&n man.

2o& wo&!d sim$!y %e wastin yo&r time in marryin him.-

0r, to the yo&n man, it wo&!d %e:

-0h, dear, no/ othin attractive a%o&t the ir! at a!!. 3ho on

earth ave yo& that notion; Sim$!y a !ove!y face and fi&re, ane!ic

dis$osition, %ea&tif&! mind, stanch heart, no%!e character. 3hy, there

m&st have %een near!y a do5en s&ch ir!s %orn into the wor!d since its

creation. 2o& wo&!d %e on!y wastin yo&r time !ovin her.-

They criticised the %irds for their hac"neyed sty!e of sinin, and the

f!owers for their hac"neyed scents and co!ors. They com$!ained of the

weather that it !ac"ed oriina!ity##8tr&e, they had not !ived o&t anEn!ish s$rin9##and fo&nd fa&!t with the S&n %eca&se of the sameness of

his methods.

They criticised the %a%ies. 3hen a fresh infant was $&%!ished in a

ho&se, the critics wo&!d ca!! in a %ody to $ass their )&dment &$on it,

and the yo&n mother wo&!d %rin it down for them to sam$!e.

-Did yo& ever see a chi!d anythin !i"e that in this wor!d %efore;- she

wo&!d say, ho!din it o&t to them. -Isn+t it a wonderf&! %a%y; >2o&>

never saw a chi!d with !es !i"e that, I "now. &rse says he+s the most

extraordinary %a%y she ever attended. B!ess him/-

B&t the critics did not thin" anythin of it.

-T&t, t&t,- they wo&!d re$!y, -there is nothin extraordinary a%o&t

that chi!d##no oriina!ity whatever. 3hy, it+s exact!y !i"e every other

%a%y##%a!d head, red face, %i mo&th, and st&m$y nose. 3hy, that+s on!y

a wea" imitation of the %a%y next door. It+s a $!aiarism, that+s what

that chi!d is. 2o&+ve %een wastin yo&r time, madam. If yo& can+t do

anythin more oriina! than that, we sho&!d advise yo& to ive &$ the

%&siness a!toether.-

That was the end of criticism in that strane !and.

-0h/ !oo" here, we+ve had eno&h of yo& and yo&r oriina!ity,- said the

$eo$!e to the critics, after that. -3hy, >yo&> are not oriina!, when

one comes to thin" of it, and yo&r criticisms are not oriina!. 2o&+ve

a!! of yo& %een sayin exact!y the same thin ever since the time of

So!omon. 3e are oin to drown yo& and have a !itt!e $eace.-

-3hat, drown a critic/- cried the critics, -never heard of s&ch a

monstro&s $roceedin in o&r !ives/-

-o, we f!atter o&rse!ves it is an oriina! idea,- re$!ied the $&%!ic,

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%r&ta!!y. -2o& o&ht to %e charmed with it. 0&t yo& come/-

So they too" the critics o&t and drowned them, and then $assed a short

act, ma"in criticism a ca$ita! offense.

After that, the art and !iterat&re of the co&ntry fo!!owed,

somewhat, the methods of the (&aint and c&rio&s schoo!, %&t the !and,notwithstandin, was a m&ch more cheerf&! $!ace to !ive in, I dreamed.

B&t I never finished te!!in yo& a%o&t the dream in which I tho&ht I

!eft my !es %ehind me when I went into a certain theater.

I dreamed that the tic"et the man ave me for my !es was o. ?@, and I

was worried a!! thro&h the $erformance for fear o. ? sho&!d et ho!d

of them, and !eave me his instead. Mine are rather a fine $air of !es,

and I am, I confess, a !itt!e $ro&d of them##at a!! events, I $refer

them to any%ody e!se+s. Besides, n&m%er sixty#one+s miht %e a s"inny

$air, and not fit me.

It (&ite s$oi!ed my evenin, frettin a%o&t this.

Another extraordinary dream I had was one in which I dreamed that I

was enaed to %e married to my A&nt Jane. That was not, however, the

extraordinary $art of it' I have often "nown $eo$!e to dream thins !i"e

that. I "new a man who once dreamed that he was act&a!!y married to his

own mother#in#!aw/ 1e to!d me that never in his !ife had he !oved the

a!arm c!oc" with more dee$ and ratef&! tenderness than he did that

mornin. The dream a!most reconci!ed him to %ein married to his rea!

wife. They !ived (&ite ha$$i!y toether for a few days, after that

dream.

o' the extraordinary $art of my dream was, that I "new it was a dream.

-3hat on earth wi!! &nc!e say to this enaement;- I tho&ht to myse!f,

in my dream. -There+s %o&nd to %e a row a%o&t it. 3e sha!! have a dea!

of tro&%!e with &nc!e, I fee! s&re.- And this tho&ht (&ite tro&%!ed me

&nti! the sweet ref!ection came: -Ah/ we!!, it+s on!y a dream.-

And I made &$ my mind that I wo&!d wa"e &$ as soon as &nc!e fo&nd o&t

a%o&t the enaement, and !eave him and A&nt Jane to fiht the mattero&t %etween themse!ves.

It is a very reat comfort, when the dream rows tro&%!ed and a!armin,

to fee! that it is on!y a dream, and to "now that we sha!! awa"e soon

and %e none the worse for it. 3e can dream o&t the foo!ish $er$!exity

with a smi!e then.

Sometimes the dream of !ife rows strane!y tro&%!ed and $er$!exin, and

then he who meets dismay the %ravest is he who fee!s that the fretf&!

$!ay is %&t a dream##a %rief, &neasy dream of three score years and ten,

or therea%o&ts, from which, in a !itt!e whi!e, he wi!! awa"e##at !east,he dreams so.

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1ow d&!!, how im$ossi%!e !ife wo&!d %e witho&t dreams##wa"in dreams, I

mean##the dreams that we ca!! -cast!es in the air,- %&i!t %y the "ind!y

hands of 1o$e/ 3ere it not for the mirae of the oasis, drawin his

footste$s ever onward, the weary trave!er wo&!d !ie down in the desert

sand and die. It is the mirae of distant s&ccess, of ha$$iness that,

!i"e the %&nch of carrots fastened an inch %eyond the don"ey+s nose,

seems a!ways )&st within o&r reach, if on!y we wi!! a!!o$ fast eno&h,that ma"es &s r&n so eaer!y a!on the road of 6ife.

*rovidence, !i"e a father with a tired chi!d, !&res &s ever a!on the

way with ta!es and $romises, &nti!, at the frownin ate that ends the

road, we shrin" %ac", frihtened. Then, $romises sti!! more sweet he

stoo$s and whis$ers in o&r ear, and timid yet $art!y reass&red, and

tryin to hide o&r fears, we ather &$ a!! that is !eft of o&r !itt!e

stoc" of ho$e and, tr&stin yet ha!f afraid, $&sh o&t o&r ro$in feet

into the dar"ness.

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Jer Dreams

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