I'll Trade My Soul For You

Taeyeon is a girl who has a long crush for her best friend. She has loved her since

when she was still in college up until now. She didn’t have the courage to confess

because she knew her best friend isn’t gay like her so she poured all of her feelings

through the stories she uploaded in AFF. One day a reader named Tiffany Hwang

entered her life. They started their relationship as a mere reader and writer. The

relationship expanded vastly from being strangers to friends and finally best

friends. However Tiffany is not an ordinary girl. She has a gift which allows her to

predict future and read people’s mind. When Taeyeon finally acknowledged her

feeling for her best friend has changed and shifted to her reader, Tiffany Hwang;

the girl suddenly vanished and left her a goodbye message. The story will tell

about how Taeyeon tried hard to find the reason behind Tiffany’s leaving and how

she would do almost anything just to bring Tiffany back to her embrace.

My Family, My Life, My Love, and My

Special Reader..

My name is Taeyeon, full name is Kim Taeyeon but people usually call me

Taeyeon or Taeng or Taengoo, well it actually depends on who is the one who

calls me. I live a not so normal yet quite a pleasant live. I am 23 years old this year

and yes I have finished and got my bachelor degree in engineering department last

year. I am now working as one of the scientist in local oil company. I live with my

parents and grandmother. I have 2  brothers, one is older while the other one is

younger. One of them is still studying to achieve his master while the other one

just graduated and finished his study from senior high school.

 

“Taeyeon!!” My mother called me from downstairs. My mother has a high pitch

voice which has the ability to ruin your hearing organs if you didn’t come to her as

soon as you heard her call.

                                                                                                                                 

“Yes, Mom! I’ll be right there in 5 minutes!!” I replied to my mother’s call with

my not-so-loud voice.

 

“You better be or you may be late for work!” My mother reminded me. I didn’t

need to reply her protest again since I would be there soon anyway, right?

 

If you haven’t noticed, my mother still treats me like a kid. She will make sure

breakfast is ready and served on the table of dining room before all of us wake up;

us refers to my brothers and me of course. My father usually wakes up as early as

my mother since his office where he is working is quite far from our home and the

traffic jam is not helping at all. That’s why my mother always wakes up at 5 am to

prepare the breakfast for us, including our lovely Daddy. Mom will wrap Daddy’s

breakfast so that he can enjoy his breakfast in car. Yep, we have a driver so Daddy

won’t have to drive on his own. Well actually it’s not a ‘we’ since me and my

siblings use motorcycle.

 

My mother and father are such nice parents. They treat us equally and fairly. They

give each of us a motorcycle to use, even the motorcycle’s brand are the same. The

difference is only the color of our bike. Mine is blue, just like my favorite color

while my youngest brother’s is black while the other one is white. Oh yeah I

haven’t told you my brothers’ name. The older one is Jiwoong while the youngest

one is Jinwoon. It feels similar, right? Sometimes I even call the wrong person

since I keep forgetting their names. Tsk! What a bad sister I am. So here we are

having breakfast together as usual in the dining room.

 

“Taeyeon-ah, what time you will come home later?” My Mom asked me.

 

“I don’t know, Mom. I think I have to work overtime. There’s oil leaking incident

and me and others have to investigate it further.” I answered while chewing my

bread.

 

“Stop talking when you are eating! You will get chocked, you know!” My Mom

said strictly. And have I told you how strict and fierce my Mom is when she is

being serious. Geezz, you don’t even want to know about it.

 

“Sorry, Mom.” I answered shortly. My mother nodded and turned to my brothers.

 

“Then how about you, Jiwoong? When will you go back to your dorm? Have you

done packing?” Yup! Jiwoong stayed in dorm near his university and he just

finished his one month vacation at home. Soon he will be back to his dorm. I still

miss him being here though.

 

“Later this afternoon, Mom. Yup! I already packed everything, don’t worry.”

Jiwoong answered before gulping his milk

 

“Sighed. It surely feels fast huh? It’s just like yesterday you came home and now

you already have to go back there again. Can’t you just live here, son?” My mother

asked Jiwoong with a hint of sadness. I know my mother loves each of us very

much that she still find it hard to separate with one of us.

 

“I want to do that too, Mom but you know how far the distance between my

university and our home is. It’s not possible to do that. Even if the road is as empty

as graveyard, I will still need at least an hour to reach my campus.” Jiwoong

disappointedly answered. Jiwoong is a mommy kid, well actually each of us is. It’s

not our fault though. It’s just our mother loves us too much that she almost never

let us do things on our own.

 

“Yes I acknowledge that. It does just feel lonely here without you.” My mother’s

comment made Jiwoong felt guiltier than before.

 

“Stop saying that, Mom. I’ll be here on each weekends okay?” Jiwoong smiled and

tried to cheer out mother up. Oh yes it works alright when a smile suddenly

appeared on Mom’s face

 

“Really?? Great! I will keep your promise then!” My mother smiled widely.

 

“Jinwoon, you still have your holiday right? So have you applied to universities

you want? Give me the bank account so I can send the registration fee this

afternoon.” My mother talked to our maknae.

 

“Of course, Mom. I will give you later after the breakfast, okay?” Jinwoon said.

 

“Mom, I need to go now. I’m late already!’ I stood up and kissed my mother’s

cheek.

 

“I’ll see you around then. Jiwoong-ah, take care okay? I will miss you~” I kissed

his cheek and ruffled his hair.

 

“Jinwoon, be a good kid and stay at home! Don’t wander around too often! You

will just send out parents to bankrupt later.” I said to my youngest brother who

loves to play around too much. I seldom find him at home whenever I come home

from work.

 

“Be careful on driving, Tae. Bye!” My mother accompanied me to my bike.

 

“Okay, Mom! Bye!” I put on my helmet and turned the gas backward, ready to go.

-----------------------------------

 

"Tae, let's grab some lunch. You will grow shorter if you are too occupied with

those strange liquids." Jessica, my workmate approached me. She worked in lab

too just like me but we have difference job desk.

 

"Yah! We need to investigate this further. Why the oil keeps leaking? What's

wrong with its viscosity? Is there something wrong with the mud injection? And-"

My explanation was cut by the scary blonde, especially when she is hungry.

 

"Bla bla bla I don't care! We don't even get additional payment for skipping our

lunch, right? So come on take that weird big eyeglasses off and accompany me to

lunch." Sighed Jessica had used her demanding tone means I have to comply with

her order.

 

"Right. Just go to the canteen first. I'll just need to wrap this up. I will be there in 5

minutes, okay?" I put down my lab glasses which I always use to protect my eyes. 

I start gathering my documents and put it on my table neatly.

 

"You better be or else!" Jessica threatened me again before slowly dissipating from

my eyes.

 

I followed precisely as Jessica ordered me. I took off my lab jacket and grabbed

my purse, making sure that I've brought my wallet since I've promised Jessica that

I would treat her lunch today. I past the hallway and headed to the canteen. From

afar, I could alocated my blonde friend. I walked to the table for two and sat in

front of her.

 

"So, what do you want to order? Please just order adequately, don't be too much

okay or I don't think I will last for another week." I pleaded her.

 

"Hahaha.. Don't worry, Tae. I'm not greedy with food, remember? Be thankful I

have you treated me lunch intead of shopping for clothes or bags." Jessica teased

me.

 

"Right. So what do you want? I will buy it for you." I offered to be the one who

has to go and line up.

 

"Just tuna sandwich and lemon tea ice, please." Jessica smiled at me.

 

"Okay. Anything else?" I asked her.

 

"Nope. That will be sufficient, thank you." Another smile appeared on her flawless

face. Sighed if only she knew that I have a crush on her since we were highschool

yet I was too coward to confess.

 

"I'll be back soon." I told he and went up buying the food. I bought cheese burgers,

fries, and cola for me. After I have collected the food, I went back to the table and

put the tray along with the food on the table.

 

"Tae, with whom are you texting with?" Jessica asked me while chewing on her

sandwich.

 

"I'm not texting anyone." I continue typing on my blackberry device.

 

"Then why you can't stop texting since you first lay your butt there?" I sensed

sarcasm from Jessica's words. Uh oh, this is not good at all.

 

"I'm trying to write the new update here, Jess. You know how I love writing

stories, right?" I answered Jessica with my eyes still attached closely on my

phone's screen.

 

Yeah I love writing since well I guess since I was still in elementary school but I

was a lazy girl. In fact, up until now I can still be categorized as one. My mother

always make sure everything and I mean everything is served and ready for me,

including ironing my school uniform, cooking, teaching subjects I didn't

understand, washing the clothes, cleaning the floors, washing dishes, etc etc. And

no, my Mom isn't a maid. She was smart, very smart actually. She finished her

master in philosophy when she was nearly 50 years old. Now tell me what words

could be more appropiate to define my mother if not smart.

 

As you've suspected, yes I'm much closer to my mother compare to my father. It's

not that I don't love Daddy, but he is seldom at home. He works on shore and his

shift is 2 weeks at work and 2 weeks off. Even when he has his holiday, he will

still go to his office everyday. So you can't blame me if I can't close to him like

how I'm close with my Mom, right?

 

Back to the story, I decided to start writing since I fell head over heels with Korean

idol. Well I used to love western singers much more than I love my own country

idol until one day I was being affected by my school mate in senior highschool.

Her name is Jiyeon and she loved TVXQ very much that she started to influence

me badly, terribly, and severely. She forced me to look after their MVs, and listen

to their songs. Eventually, I started to like them and in less than a year, I've

sucessfully become Cassiopeia. But that's not the worst! We unwillingly had to

continue our studies separately. My and her university's distance is no joke at all

but we stay being best friend up until now. Oh yeah, what's worst is that she has

stopped being TVXQ fans and left me hanging!! She said she didn't feel interested

in them again T.T

 

Okay so I'm sure most of you think how does it related with me and my writing

hobby, right? Well Jiyeon told me how she loved to read TVXQ fanfiction on AFF

and she even gave me the link of it. Sometimes I think why should I befriend with

her when all she did to me was nothing but giving me bad influence. Why?

Because most of TVXQ pairing there are gays pairing T.T and have I toold you

that my most favorite member is Yunho U-Know? If not then I'm telling it to you

now.

 

From most of the fics that I've read, Yunho was always being paired up with

Jaejoong with Yunho as the man in relationship while Jaejoong will be the woman

one. I just can't take it anymore because I hate to see my idol being gay!! So one

day I searched for another idol who came from the same label as TVXQ. I found

Shinee, F(x), BoA, EXO, and SND. Since I've been drooling over boys group, I

thought maybe I should try for the girls group now and yes I chose SNSD.

 

I left my lovely TVXQ, well not wholly since I still devoted half of my heart for

Yunho no matter how gay he might be in real life while I left the rest of half to

SNSD. There are 5 girls in SNSD group which are Sooyoung, Yoona, Sunny,

Seohyun, and Hyoyeon and I love Yoona the most! I diverted my old hobbies

which was reading TVXQ fics to reading SNSD fics. Sometimes I find the author

pairing Yoona with Seohyun and Sooyoung with Sunny. Hyoyeon will be left with

the girl from other group like Nicole from KARA.

 

Yes, you read it right. They are paired girls x girls and I don't even feel weird

reading it. Am I somehow gay? Honestly, I didn't know and I never cared until the

person who's busy eating and scolding at me right now appeared. Jessica, Jung

Jessica with her blonde shoulder length hair, flawlessly beautiful, cold outside

warm inside, smart, intelligent, sharply pointed nose, thin yet well defined lips,

thick eyelashes entered my life. I met her in university. She entered the same

department as me so you can say I've been liking her for more than 5 years now

and I don't think the feeling will be subsided any soon.

 

So yeah I've come to realize that I'm gay. I now have the courage to say that I

prefer girls to boys, I will love to have girl as my lover instead of boys. However I

only have the guts to admit it to myself while my friends and especially my family

don't know about that. It is my biggest secret in life and no one including my

parents, siblings, and best friends would know about that. I never found any girls

attracted though, not until Jessica came. She was the one and only girl I have ever

crush with.

 

Back to the story, I've admitted I'm gay and I love writing but not about my

personal life of course so yeah I write about SNSD. I feel bored to always be a

silent reader so one day I thought, why didn't I be the writer/author instead? I'm

sure I can be a pretty good one if I try. Even though English is undoubtedly not my

first language but I have confidence about my English ability. So far, I've written 4

stories and well the response coming from my readers are actually nice. My

thoughts was disturbed by Jessica's call.

 

"Tae.. Taengoo.. Yah KIM TAEYEON!!" Jessica screamed just beside my earlobe,

making me almost jumped from my seat.

 

"Yah! What was that for, Jessi?! I can hear you alright!" I scoffed and back to my

seat.

 

"I've been calling you since forever but you didn't respond it. It's not my fault that I

thought you went deaf so I have to make sure by yelling inside your ear." Jessica

rolled her eyes. I saw she had finished eating while I've only touched half of my

burger.

 

"Oh right. I'm sorry. So, what were you saying again?" I continue my eating.

 

"I asked you why you still lost in you imaginary world called fanfiction? You even

write about lesbian relationship, Tae! I'm afraid it will affect you someday. You

know gay sickness is contagious." Jessica commented seriously.

 

She is totally right, it is indeed affecting me hugely. But truth to be told, originally

I'm gay not only because of the gay fics but because of you, Jessica. Sighed. If only

you can read between the lines. Does the hint I give you not enough? Does my

over caring attitude toward you not mean anything? Jessica oh Jessica, how I want

you to be mine and only mine but then again you only have eyes for men, not for a

pathetic girl like me.

 

"Yah! I still like guys, you know! You know how Yunho is the only person who

can enter my heart and for your information, he is a guy you know!" I reassured

her by pretending that I'm normal.

 

Oh yeah if you are wondering how could Jessica gave me such comment, I was the

one who told her. She is the only person who knows about me being a not-so-great

author in AFF. She knows I love SNSD and TVXQ. I told her about me loving to

read fanfiction in AFF and also about writing the stories of my own. In fact I even

allow her to read my masterpiece and she thinks I have talent as a writer but yeah

she of course doesn't agree with me writing about girl x girl relationship. She even

ever asked me whether I'm gay or not since I never have relationship since born.

 

Hey it's not that I'm not attractive or because I'm too ugly and stinky that guys

didn't want to approach me. I got the beauty inherited from my mother and nice

attitude also. Guys are drooling over me and cannot wait to get his hands all over

me but yeah like I've said I'm gay so I can't find guys attractive at all. Even when

the guy who was chasing me was a basketball player with broad chest and nice abs,

tall and cool, not to mention handsome but you know what? I didn't even take a

glance at him.

 

"Even with the fact that Yunho is gay too?? Come on, Tae! Just back to the real

life, will you? I really support you to become a writer but please don't write about

abnormal couple. Why don't you create a story where a man falls in love with a

woman or something like that, huh?" For the nth time Jessica told me about this

thing but yeah how can I stop when I myself is gay too. I can't bring myself to

write about normal couple no matter how many times I've tried it.

 

"If I make Yoona couple with a guy then not many readers will want to read it.

Fans prefer they being gay than normal you know." I reasoned out. Well part of it

is true though.

 

"But you really are sure that that's the valid reason, right? You're still normal, right

Tae?" Uh oh I really hate this question because everytime she asks it, want it or not

I have to lie. I don't want her being afraid if she knows my true identity.

 

"Geez! Do I need to kiss a random guy to make you believe in me?" I pretended to

be offended by her question and hid my nervousness.

 

"Then why don't you have any boyfriend until now? I mean you are beautiful,

smart, diligent, creative, and humble so there's no way guys don't want you as their

lover. So tell me, what's your reason, Tae?" Okay I don't know how to response to

this. The question really caught me off guard.

 

"Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Well I think I just haven't met the right guy,

Jess. When I've found it, I promise you will be the first person to know it." Of

course she would be the first person since she is the one I love and I hope the right

person for me.

 

"I'll keep your promise, Tae. And please continue being normal okay?" Jessica

warned me.

 

"But Jessi, what if it's only what if okay." I reminded her before continue.

 

"What if I become gay someday? Will you still be my friend when it happens? Or

will you despise me for what I am?" I tried to speak normally even if it's difficult

knowing that the questions came from deep inside my heart.

 

"I..I don't know, Tae. What's with these kind of questions? You will never gay

anyway so why should I answer to that ridiculous questions, right? Right, Tae?"

My questions backfired me. Now what should I answer Jessica? I cursed silently.

 

"Ye-yeah of course. So I..I think you don't really need to that questions. It's a st-

supid question, ri-right? Hahahaha.." Fuck me for stammering obviously! I laughed

awkwardly in hope Jessica wouldn't notice my nervousness.

 

"Well then, let's go back to work, Tae!" Jessica smiled genuinely, making my heart

stopped beating for a second.

---------------------------------

 

"Welcome home, sweetheart." My mother greeted me in the front door and helped

me bringing my bag and blazer.

 

"Hi Mom." I greeted back half heartedly.

 

"Taeyeon-ah, what's wrong? Is there any problem at work?" My Mother asked me

worriedly.

 

"No, Mom. I'm just tired. I think I will just go upstairs and sleep." I didn't forget to

smile sincerely at my mother. I don't want her to worry about me.

 

"But what about dinner? Don't say you want to skip that?! Come on, Taeyeon. You

know skipping dinner is not good for your body." My mother caressed my cheeks

lovingly. Ooh how I love my mother so much. She pays attention to her family

member greatly and I'm so thankful for that.

 

"I'm still full, Mom. I'll go and prepare dinner by myself if I'm hungry. Okay?" I

kissed my mother's cheek and headed upstairs.

 

I locked my bedroom, afraid my mother would barge in without warning like

usual. I don't want my mother to see how devastated her daughter is just because

she is in love and to make it worse, I'm falling in love with a girl. I plopped my

petite body on my queen sized bed without bothering to change my work attire or

wash my face first. I looked up to the ceiling and drowned in my own delusional

world, thinking about the first time I met Jessica, how I ended up falling in love

with her to the time when I knew how Jessica despise gay people which also means

my love to her will be unrequited forever.

 

It hurts, my heart feels shattered and teared up in two. I clutched at my heart tightly

while closing my eyes. As I've predicted, Jessica's face clouded my mind. It's

always her and her only. My eyes and heart are only focus on her. An hour past in

a blink and I know I can never move on if I keep thinking about her. I unwillingly

got up and moved to the front of my PC. I typed the AFF web address and pressed

enter.

 

I'm waiting for my account to log in. I saw there's new message in my inbox but I

didn't immediately open it. I wanna know whether there's new comment or

subscriber on my stories or not. I smiled graciously seeing there's some additional

subscribers and comments. I quickly clicked the story titled 'Enraged Lust' to see

the new comments. I'm happy, so happy to know there's nothing but positive

comments regarding my new chapter. Well the story genre is comedy romance

with full of mature content of course.

 

My readers even call me as pervert author T.T well it's not entirely true though. In

real life, I'm not that pervert like what they entitled me. I never even kissed even

once! Whoaaa what a news right?! It's not that surprising right? Since I never have

lover so no wonder I never let a man or man to kiss me. Some of my readers think

that I'm a true pervert in real life but I ignore them. I'm just too ashamed to admit it

to them.

 

Now it's time to check after my inbox. Wuii there are some new messages and one

of them admit that she is coming from Korea too!! Wait wait, her name is

Scarlethwang? Humm that's weird because her name isn't related with SNSD at all.

Actually my account name too doesn't related with SNSD or whatsoever. My

account name is Blondie_is_mine. Do you really think I have blonde hair?

Actually I was inspired from my love's hair color. Yep, mine is brunette while

Jessica is the one with blonde hair. I know my world revolves only around Jessica

which makes me look more miserable than I already am by now.

 

So the Scarlethwang asked for my twitter account. Should I tell her? But my twitter

account is my real name with real photo. Humm, I better ask her about that first. I

replied her message saying that I don't have fan account and that I used my real

name as my twitter account. I left my PC to take a quick bath and changed into my

pajamas. I dried my hair using the towel looped around my neck.

 

I'm feeling much better now after bathing. I checked my cellphone and saw there's

a message from Jessica. She asked me to go to the cinemas tomorrow after work.

She wanted to watch 'Man of Steel. Have I told you that she doesn't have boyfriend

too? She just broke up with her ex, Taecyeon 2 months ago which sent me into

heaven knowing that she's available for now. It doesn't mean by her being single, I

can just snatch her heart away like that. I'm fully aware of my place and yes I've

accepted the fact that she will never be mine. I replied her message saying yes, I

would love to.

 

I let out another sighed and pitying my own love life before going back to my PC. I

saw the Scarlethwang replied my message. She said it didn't matter and yes I

finally decided to just give my twitter account to her. I told her that my account is

@kimtaeyeon. Not long after, I saw someone mentioned me and that person was

apparently the same person who just asked my twitter account.

 

‘I finally know my favorite author twitter account @kimtaeyeon.’

 

I couldn’t help but smiled reading the mention. I then decided to just follow back

her yet didn’t reply to her mention. Oh yeah, her twitter account is the same as her

account in AFF which is @scarlethwang. I wonder what the meaning behind that

scarlet name is. I guessed Hwang is her surname but who’s her full name then? Her

other mention interrupted my thoughts about her.

 

‘Oh My God! My favorite author is following me back!! Yeaaayyy!!

@kimtaeyeon’

 

Whoa she is surely loves to exaggerate about something, hum. This time I replied

her mention, saying:

 

‘Hahaha.. Nice to know you too @scarlethwang.’

 

I don’t know why but this girl is making me curious somehow. Maybe it’s just

because I’m feeling lonely or maybe she is just my runway from Jessica. I really

really want to know more about this hwang girl. I then went into our conversation

in inbox and typed that I wanted to know whether she has kakao account or not. I

waited for her reply and refreshed the pages for several time until I saw there’s

new incoming message for me. I eagerly opened it and widely grinned when she

answered that she had it. I quickly replied and gave her my number and id name in

hope she would add me soon and yes my prayer was answered! Thank you God!! I

love you~~

 

Scarlethwang: “Hi Author! ^^”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hi reader! Nice to finally can chat with you ^^”

 

Scarlethwang: “The pleasure is all mines. Your story is very great by the way~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Which story you’re talking about?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I love Enraged Lust the most.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Oh that story. Well thank you for liking it then. Anyway, may I

know your real name? You’ve seen mine anyway so it will be fair if you tell me

yours, right?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Do you just want to know it? Or do you really really want to know

it?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Really really want to know it. Tell me please >.<”

 

Scarlethwang: “I never asked for yours though. You are the one who put it right

there :P”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Meanie!! And you just told me that I was your favorite author

*pouting”

 

Scarlethwang: “It won’t be fun anymore if I tell you mine but well okay, let’s play

it fairly. My full name is Stephanie Hwang but people usually call me Tiffany.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Great name you have there. Are you American?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Nope but yes I used to live there until I moved here 5 years ago.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I see. Do you have Korean name then?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Of course but I won’t tell you now. My turn now; how old are you,

author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’m 23 years old. You?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Just one year younger than you. Hum so how can you make that

funny story? Where did you get the idea? My roommate always yells at me for

being so loud every midnight you know.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hahahaha. I’m sorry for that then~ Uhm, I don’t know either. The

idea just flows into my mind smoothly. At first, I thought no one would find it

funny though.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Are you kidding me? Your story is the best comedy story I’ve ever

read! Not many authors are able to make their readers laugh even when they

entitled their stories as comedy. Trust me~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Really? Wuii thank you for the compliments then.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You really are like what they’ve said you know?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Eh? What do you mean?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Humble and smart!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’m not! You just haven’t known about me further so I don’t think

you have right to compliment me so highly like that.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m just trying to be honest here.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr.. Thank you? I’m just still being unusual to be compliment

like that so I really don’t know how to react with that.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Oh okay. So author, don’t you feel sleepy already?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Nope, not yet. Are you sleepy already?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Same here. I just don’t want to disturb you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Don’t worry because you are not ^^ anyway, are you still studying

or working?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m currently trying to finish my thesis as soon as possible. I want

to graduate soon so I can work and watch Korean concert using my own money.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Err I don’t really know that your reason is proper enough to be

complimented though.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahahaha. I know right? But well that’s just me.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah I think so too. Hahaha… What is your department?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Manufacturer Engineering. How about you?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Does that department really exist? The name is surely weird and

seems complicated though. Ah yes, I’m from engineering too, Petroleum

Engineering.”

 

Scarlethwang: “It really does exist! But yeah it’s kinda complicated. I can’t stop

regretting entering that department. It is difficult and well let’s just say that

choosing that department is one of my biggest mistakes in life T.T”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hahaha. Relax, it will be over soon. You better move your butt and

seriously work on your thesis.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yes, Sir!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fany-ah, can I sleep first? I have to attend meeting tomorrow

morning.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Then please do so, author. Have a nice dream ^^ btw, Fany is a

nice nickname.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “It’s really late and please call me by name. You too really need to

sleep, Fany. It is nice talking to you. I hope we can chat again sometime. Have a

nice dream for you too!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m not really sleepy, author. I will do spazzing after this. And yes

of course, we can chat again soon and as much as you can. Bye author!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Bye Fany!!”

 

I saw she didn’t reply again so I decided to just turn off my phone and set my

alarm clock to 6 am. I glimpsed at my clock on the nightstand and it showed 1 am

O.O I’m really in deep trouble, aren’t I? I still remembered clearly that I started

chatting with that Tiffany girl at 8 pm. Why did the time go so fast? Does it mean I

enjoy chatting with her very much that I lost count on time? But I just chatted with

her just now. I never knew about her existence before yet she already made me feel

comfortable talking with her. It’s like I’ve known her for a long time. Hmm,

interesting girl that could even make me forget about Jessica for a while. I really

need to investigate this girl further. I then went to sleep with a smile on my face.

-------------------------------

 

Come Out Clean

It’s been a week since I first chatted with Tiffany and yes we keep getting closer

each day. I feel like she is my imaginary best friend, close yet so far away.

Surprisingly she understands me very well despite the fact we never even met

once. She is a very good girl with good education background. She respects me a

lot so she never sends me message and invites me to chat when I'm at work which

is why again Jessica can earn back her place inside my mind.

 

However once I reach home and say my greeting to my family members, the first

thing I will do next is send her message through kakao saying that I've reached

home. The first question she always ask me will be, 'how's your day, author?'

Sometimes I feel like she's more than just a friend or best friend or sister. I feel like

I have a lover whom I need to give my report to regarding my activities in a day. I

will tel her about this and that and so the chatting activity keeps going until one of

us feels K.O already.

 

Vice versa, she too will give me brief report about her activities. How the

consultation with her supervisor was, how she met her friends at her university,

how she felt lost on her way when she was riding her bike and ended up drenched

since the rain was falling like crazy at that time, etc etc. It keeps me wondering

how can we have different topic each day? And the fact that she never once makes

me boring with her illogical blabbering. I'm actually not really an extrovert person

but I can socialize alright. But I'm sure she's a totally extrovert person or so I

thought.

 

Like usual, I finished my day with Jessica still lingered inside my mind until I

reached home because I know I would soon forget her once I saw Tiffany online. I

greeted my mom, father, and brother, had family dinner together and went up to

my room. I and Tiffany never really went into a deeper conversation since I respect

her privacy and I think so does she. Tonight I need to know something more about

Tiffany. I have to know whether she already has boyfriend or not and whether she

swings normally or not like me. Before that, I think I have to be cleaner and neater

than now. I went to the bathroom and rinsed my hair, brushed my body, and finally

dried it using towel. I wore my pajamas and sat on the chair in front of my PC. Just

as I’ve predicted, she has already online.

 

Scarlethwang: “Hi author!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hi, kid!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “How’s your day?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Nothing much happened today, how about you?”

 

Scarlethwang: “My day was exhausting.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Really? What happened?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I woke up late this morning to know that I haven’t got my thesis

draft printed! So I went off from my apartment like crazy, waiting for the printing

etc etc. After that I directly headed to the university to meet my supervisor just to

find him already gone abroad! That’s sucks! T.T”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah, I understand that. It really sucks! I’ve ever experienced that

too though. So when will your supervisor back?”

 

Scarlethwang: “His secretary said he would be back in 3 days. So what am I

supposed to do now? Sighed..”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hey, chill out. You can always continue spazzing about SNSD or

well, read other fictions in AFF or maybe hanging out with your friends or

boyfriend ^^”

 

Scarlethwang: “I don’t have a boyfriend and most of my friends are busy with their

thesis and supervisors too.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I can’t believe you don’t have boyfriend with that face. You’re a

bad liar!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “The photo on my profile picture? Hahaha, I will count that as a

compliment then. Hum I swear I don’t have boyfriend >.<”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “But why?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I can ask you the same question too.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What do you mean?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Why don’t you have a boyfriend? You are beautiful and charming,

not to mention humble and smart too.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “How do you know that? Have I ever told you that I don’t have any

boyfriend?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I just know and no, you never told me about that before.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What are you? A fortuneteller or something?!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Let’s just say I’m gifted by strong feelings that I sometimes can

read people’s characteristic or what’s inside their mind even from far away.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Are you kidding me?! You’re not serious, are you?”

 

Scarlethwang: “What do you think, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr.. Maybe you need to change your account into

‘Creepyhwang’. Hahahha!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “YAH!! But really… Maybe that’s why I feel comfort chatting with

you because I know you’re a good people.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhmm thank you? Ah yes, I nearly forgot! Why do you name

yourself scarlethwang?? Did you take it from Fairy Tail movies? You know, Erza

Scarlet..”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahaha!! What are you? 10 years old kid?! It’s because I have

red hair. How about you? Why did you name your account Blondie_is_mine? I’m

pretty sure my eyes still function normally and your hair on your profile picture is

not blonde.”

 

Okay Kim Taeyeon, that was a very terrible mistake you’ve just made there.  Why

did I even bother to ask such question? But I thought I just wanted to find new

topic so our conversation wouldn’t have to end so early. And hey she doesn’t have

a boyfriend!! I repeat, she DOESN’T have a boyfriend!! Yes!! Oh God I love you

very much!! Does it mean I maybe have a chance to hum you know,, hehehehe.. I

really don’t know what’s happening with my right now but all I know that I can’t

stop grinning after reading the statement that she is single. I will ask her about her

opinion in gay relationship then. Yes, Taeyeon you can do it! Umm what about

Jessica then? Well it’s not that Jessica is my girlfriend anyway so yeah let’s just

forget about her for now!! I have to reply Tiffany’s last message fast! Aaghh I

almost forgot it!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Will you believe me if I say I used to have blonde hair?”

 

Scarlethwang: “My feelings say you’re lying now. Hahaha,, am I right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr.. am I that easy to read?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Honestly? Yes you are! Ahahaha…”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr but you told me my comedy is unpredictable and that’s why

you feel addicted to it. *pouting.”

 

Scarlethwang: “The story? Yes! The author? Uhm I’m not really sure about that.

Hahaha…”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sighed.. You said that I’m your favorite author yet you always

bully me every day T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “Author, you still remember that you actually are older than me

right? Then please act like one.. Tsk!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I hate you!”

 

Scarlethwang: “But I love you author~~”

 

Okay my heart is beating like crazy! Did she just say she love me? And the fact

that she doesn’t have a boyfriend? Not to mention that smooth red hair, flawless

face, cute eyebrows, and perfect shape of lips. Okay I think I will be die soon.. I

need to leave a goodbye letter before I closed my eyes eternally! Kekekeke.. This

girl is really something. And I never even met her! Fiuh I really need to propose

the idea to meet up someday. But wait what should I respond with her sudden

confession?? Do I need to say I love her too?? Geez I can even feel my face is

blushing now. Kim Taeyeon, what are you?! High school girls in love!? I often

hear that love at first sight does exist but what about love doesn’t need a first sight

to occur? Is that even possible to fall in love with Tiffany, the person whom I never

meet? I know that I like her but don’t you think love has a deeper meaning?

Perhaps it’s just like, not love. I know I still love Jessica alright.

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Oh My God! Do you really love me? Are you trying to make me

swings abnormally?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Geezz you are too much, author! I didn’t mean that kind of love,

okay?! I’m still normal, thank you!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Okay okay, I’m just joking~~ Anyway, it’s late already. I think I

have to go to sleep first. Is that okay with you?”

 

Scarlethwang: “As you wish, author. And don’t force yourself to update just

because you don’t want to disappoint your readers. You’ve done so great so far!

Have a nice dream, author!!”

 

I didn’t reply it anymore. To know that she is totally normal is hurt enough for me

and I don’t think I’m ready to face another broken heart. It’s not her fault though.

It’s all me. Why should I love people who have same gender as me? Why can’t I

be normal and love men like normal girls do? Am I cursed or what? I too don’t

want me to be like this. I’ve tried so hard to cure myself! I’ve tried wearing skirt,

applying make-up like normal girl does, paying attention to my appearance, etc etc

yet I still can’t lie to my heart that I find girls are much more attractive than boys.

Yet I’m a coward who doesn’t have any courage to admit to the world that I’m gay

and that I’m in love with my best friend. Tsk, pathetic right?

 

I slept with tears stained my face that night, much different with the last past nights

I’ve gone through. Usually I always slept with satisfaction smile decorating my

chubby face but since I knew the bitter truth that none of my love ever be replied.

Why do I always have to experience the negative side effect of love? Why why

why?!! I am too a human being with fragile heart that can be easily crushed at any

time like any normal girls too!! I really want to yell out to the world and do some

demonstration to God but well I’m just too tired right now. I don’t know it’s

because of works or because I’m just simply tired of all these things. Can I call it a

quit to my life, God? I can’t right? Well goodnight universe, I hope I won’t have to

see you again in the morning.

-----------------------------

 

“What’s with the gloomy face, Tae?” It was Yoochun, my boss.

 

“Nothing, Sir. Just lack of sleep I think.” I stopped my work and answered him.

 

“Are you sure you are alright? I can always give you permission to go home early

if you need to rest, you know.” He is indeed a very kind and gentleman just like his

other employees said about him. Sighed, maybe I really let Tiffany affect me too

much.

 

“Yes I am, Sir. I promise you will be the first person I will tell if I’m sick~” I

replied to him playfully, indirectly telling him that I am alright.

 

“Hahaha!! You really don’t have to, Taeyeon. I’m married, remember? So you are

forbidden to flirt with me~” Yoochun showed me his wedding ring.

 

“I acknowledge that alright, sir. But it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to try, right?”

I teased him. He really behaves not like a boss but more like an older brother for

me.

 

“You can try all you want but my heart is only for my wife. Now get back to work

and please do inform me if you feel sick, okay?” With that he left me busy with my

tasks again.

 

I never thought an imaginary friend can affect me this much. I barely had slept last

night thanks’ to my prejudice thoughts about myself and my loved one. Firstly was

Jessica whom I’ve loved since years ago and it hadn’t overdue up until now. My

love for her doesn’t go rusty, vice versa it keeps getting stronger thanks’ for the

accidentally working together in the same company, same laboratory too. Now it is

Tiffany. The red-haired girl whom I never meet yet I feel like I’ve fallen head over

heels for her.

 

Now that I don’t have works to do again, I think I can write a new story based on

my love for Jessica. I will name my new story ‘One-sided Love’. It really suits the

story right? Okay so I will pair Yoona with Seohyun again this time. Actually I

don’t really think I can be called as sone or sowon or something like that because

truth to be told, I really don’t know that much about SNSD. I only know that

Yoona is beautiful and she comes from SNSD group and that SNSD’s songs are

pretty good. That’s all! But I don’t care; that’s why it’s called fanfiction, right?

Because they just use their names and none of that are true. It’s fiction, meaning

it’s based merely on the authors imagination.

 

Okay now it’s time to write my new story. Where should I start with? Hmm, I

think forewords it is. So yeah I spend my whole afternoon typing about my sad and

desperately fucked up love life I have. How I long that person to be mine yet I

know she will never ever be mine. How I want to call her my lover instead of best

friend yet I know will never can. How I want to be the first person she runs into

whenever she has problems in life. How I want to be her shoulder to cry on and

how I want to have courage to confess to her and accept her answer no matter it

will hurt to hear her say no as her definite answer.

 

 I have finished 3 first chapters when my work time finished. Wow I really love my

job! The salary is good and the work isn’t that much. I never bring my work to

home because I can always finish it at work. I gathered all my things on the table

before walking to Jessica’s table. Like usual, we always go home together but not

hand in hand of course. I never forget to bring 2 helmets because I know I will

have to drive her home before finally driving to my own home. I smiled seeing her

habit which would never be able to be changed. She fell asleep again on her table

and I don’t have a heart to disturb her sleep. She is beautiful even when she’s

sleeping. Well since I’m a fool in love, I think she will still stay beautiful even

when she’s farting. It sounds stupid right? T.T

 

“Stop staring at me, Taengoo!” All of sudden I found my face only an inch from

her! Uh oh, when did she wake up?

 

“Y-you’ve woken up, Jess.” I hurriedly withdrew my face from her! Omo I’m

afraid I will lose control and kiss her right here right now.

 

“Yeah I’ve woken up since I heard you talking to yourself about me farting or

something. What were inside your small head, Taengoo!? You even thought dirty

about me?!” Jessica knocked my forehead with her index finger. Alright, I really

need to find believable answer!

 

“Hahaha,, I was just wondering whether your beauty would be gone once you’re

farting or not.” I finally found a reason and I really hoped she would buy it.

 

“Really?? You do realize how stupid your thoughts were, right? Tsk to know that

you could even graduate from Petroleum Engineering! I can’t believe this! Let’s go

now!” Jessica rolled her eyes sarcastically and walked ahead of me.

 

“Tae, can we go to the restaurant first? I’m famished and I don’t think I can handle

it for the next hour.” Jessica talked to me when we were inside the elevator.

 

“Sure! Which restaurant then?” I have to breathe properly to hide my excitement! I

will have dinner date with Jessica!! Yeaayyy!!

 

“I’m craving for sirloin steak nice frappe ice. What do you think?” I curse myself

for having villager-tongue-like. I only love Korean food no matter how many times

I’ve tried western or Italian food. Sighed, what’s wrong with me?

 

“Uh,, of course! I think I want that too~” I lied. I will do anything for her,

including lying to myself that I love western food when in fact I hate it T.T love

does really related with sacrifice, doesn’t it?

 

“Stop lying, Tae! I know how you only have love for Korean food! I was just

testing you before and like usual, you will always prioritize me. Sighed, you can

never change, can’t you?” Jessica touched my arm, sending shiver all over my

body.

 

“Well let’s just say I love you too much that I always let you win over me.

Hehehee~~” I indirectly confessed my true feelings for her which I hoped she

wouldn’t notice it.

 

“Tsk! Dork!” Yep, as I’ve expected, she didn’t know it. Should I feel happy or sad

about it?

------------------------

 

“So, Taengoo what will you have? Let me treat you this time.” I don’t know how

or why but we finally ended in McDonald’s restaurant. It’s still western but well at

least I can still eat fried chicken with rice and soda.

 

“Just fried chicken and rice with soda, please.” I said what I wanted to her and

smiled. She nodded her head and walked to line up and ordered.

 

I watched her slender body standing and lined up on the counter. She looked very

dazzling and of course she is the most beautiful one amongst all. Suddenly my

cellphone signaled that there’s kakao new message. I know it must be her but I’m

still not in the mood to chat with her. No no, it’s not because I’m still with Jessica.

Well part of it true but I’m just still can’t accept the reality that she is straight. I

thought that judging from her hobby which is reading girl x girl story; she will be

abnormal like me too. But I think my judgment is totally and absolutely wrong.

Not long after, my thoughts about Tiffany just gone with the wind when my loved

one is already back bringing our foods on the tray.

 

“Here is your food. I want to wash my hand first, okay?” I nodded like a puppy and

watched her going away again.

 

“I’m done. It’s your turn now.” Jessica sat in front of me. I stood up and did as she

asked me too.

 

“So what’s wrong with you today, Tae? Your black spots under your eyes couldn’t

go unnoticed, you know. Are you okay?” Jessica asked me and did I just see a hint

of worriedness on her eyes?

 

“I was just having trouble to sleep last night, Jess. Are you that worried about me,

Jess? O h God I think I’m blushing now~~” I exaggerated.

 

“Not even in your dreams, Tae! Now eat, go home and directly go to sleep okay?”

Jessica avoided my eyes and continued eating.

 

“Aye, Sir!” I grinned at her widely.

 

“Anyway, there’s a man who’s trying to court me recently, Tae!” Excuse me?! Did

I hear it wrongly?! Who’s that bastard who dared to court my Jessica?! Yup, you

heard me alright! She is mine! Well even only in my imagination.. She is still mine

though.

 

“Yah! Are you okay? Here! Drink this~” I choked on my food when I heard her

statement. It hasn’t even reached 3 months of her being single and now there’s a

random guy approaching her again. I really wish I had those abilities to yell to

every man in the world that Jessica is mine! She is forbidden to be approached to!!

But hey, I know I’m just a chicken and I can’t really do a thing about that.

 

“*cough cough* I’m okay now, thank you. So who’s this guy?” I wiped out my

mouth with the tissue Jessica gave me earlier.

 

“Do you still remember Donghae? Lee Donghae, the well-known playboy in our

department.” I think I know this bastard. All of out people, why should Donghae to

be my rival in love?! I just knew that I would be the loser AGAIN! Stupid Kim

Taeyeon! Stupid Kim Taeyeon! That words enchanted over and over again inside

my mind.

 

“Tae?? Hey Taeyeon-ah! Are you okay? Why are you silent all of sudden?” Jessica

nudged my hand.

 

“Ah yeah.. Sorry I was lost for a moment. So, what does he want with you?! He’s

been over you since college and now I guess he wants to try again, huh? You won’t

take him seriously, right?” I gazed at her seriously, trying to send my love signals

which I know would never be arrived inside your heart.

 

“……………” Jessica avoided my stare which would only mean one thing. She

has a thing for Donghae too! Great, just great! Just last night I had to past a night

full of broken heart and now I have to pass a rough night again?!

 

“Are you serious, Jessi?! But he is a player and everyone knows it! He only

approached a girl to get into her pants! You know it heck you even saw it for

yourself when a girl came to our campus and searched for him because he got that

girl pregnant! And you know what did that bastard say?! He didn’t believe that the

girl bear his child because he didn’t know whether he was the only guy who slept

with her or not?! Fuck! He is the worst guy, Jessica!! You better don’t go

anywhere near him!” I couldn’t hold back my emotion and unconsciously raised

my voice tone.

 

“Calm down, Tae! You’re gaining people attention, you know!” Jessica told me.

Tsk! How can I?! Jessica you are so blind! How could you foolishly like a bad

person whose brain filled only with lewd things while you couldn’t see me, a

person who loves you more than the life itself and willing to sacrifice everything

just for your happiness?

 

“I know that alright! That’s why I haven’t said anything to him. I want to see first

whether he is still the same jerk as we used to know or not. People changes, Tae.

And it’s not impossible that Donghae has changed too, right?” Jessica’s

explanation couldn’t suppress my anger toward him and my disappointment

toward her.

 

“But you do admit that you have feeling for him, don’t you? How long has he tried

to court you? Why you just told me about this now?!” I ignored her previous words

and crossed my hands over my chest. I don’t have appetite to eat any longer when I

can feel is nothing but anger and hatred.

 

“You can’t deny the fact that he is attractive, right? It’s understandable to like him,

though. But I don’t say that I already like him, Tae! I’m just saying he is attractive.

That’s all.” Did I just see her blushing with her own words?! Okay I’m losing

already. There’s no point in trying to court her any longer, right? I feel like I just

want to bury my petite body into the deepest hole right now. Okay Kim Taeyeon,

calm down. Breathe in breath out. You mustn’t show your weak side in front of

her. You mustn’t cry and shamelessly watched by Jessica. You don’t want her to

pity you, do you??

 

“Yeah, I think so. Just be careful around him, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt

later, Jessi. You know I love you, right?” I weakly told her, trying hard to bring out

a sincere smile for her.

 

“I know and I love you too. You are my best friend so of course I will take your

words seriously. Hey, why don’t you finish your food??” I wish she said it for real.

I hoped she took her words seriously. Love, a very short and simple word yet

contains vast and various meaning. Like what I have for Jessica is romantic kind of

love yet the love Jessica has for me is just nothing but ordinary love for a best

friend.

 

“Uhm, thanks’. Have you done with your food? If yes, can we go home now? I’m

so sleepy since I was lacked of sleep last night.” I pretended to yawn in way to

unleash my tears. It’s usual to release tears when you are yawning, right?

 

“Oh, sure! Sorry for making you stay too long. Let’s go!” Jessica grabbed her

purse and grabbed my arm.

--------------------------------

 

“Hi, dear! What took you so long?” My Mother walked to me and helped me

taking off my jacket as usual.

 

“I was having dinner with Jessica outside, Mom.” I kissed my mother’s cheek.

 

“Oh no wonder then. You look so tired, Tae. Are you okay?” My mother stared at

my pale face along with the obvious black spots under my eyes.

 

“I’m just tired, Mom. I think I will just go to sleep. Nite, mom. I love you.” I again

kissed my mother’s cheek and went upstairs. I’m just too tired and nauseated. I’m

tired of everything, especially with my love life that could never go smoothly. I

know soon enough Jessica will be an item with Donghae. All they need is just time

and zap they will be lovers while I will still stay here, immobile like a fool who

hopes for a miracle to happen which I know it will never happen though.

 

“I love you too, sweetie. Sleep tightly, okay?” My mother caressed my cheek and

let me go to my own room.

 

I saw how my phone kept on blinking and it reminded me that I haven’t been able

to ready messages from Tiffany. She must be thinking that I am mad at her when in

fact I’m not mad at anyone but myself. I shouldn’t treat her unfairly like now. It’s

not her fault that Jessica couldn’t reciprocate my feelings. It’s not her fault that I’m

going so gay for Jessica and it’s definitely not her fault if Donghae suddenly

popped in out of nowhere and tried to flirt with Jessica, the girl should have been

mine from the start yet I never had the gut to confess. Yeah it’s not her fault at all.

I took a quick bath and went online to chat better. Yeah I usually use my phone to

chat with her through kakao but when I’m at home already and so does she, we

will use LINE.

 

Scarlethwang: “Hi Author!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Author?? Author?? Are you still at work?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hmm it’s been an hour since your work time over. Is there possible

that you have to work overtime today?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I think I will just talk about random things while waiting for you to

go online~~ today I went to campus meeting my friends and talking about SNSD

of course. We were talking about the recent concert of SNSD! Seohyun’s voice

was so jjang!! I’m willing to go gay for her! Stupid right? Kekeke~~”

 

Scarlethwang: “So yeah I went like crazy watching the concert together with my

friends. Oh right, I haven’t told you my most favorite member of SNSD, have I? I

love Seohyun!! And Yoona will be my second bias~~”

 

Scarlethwang: “And then after that we went eating seafood soup! I forgot that I

hate spiciness and didn’t tell the waiter about it so HOWAAAAHH!! The soup was

hot like hell!! I went drinking glass after glass of water and now I feel so bloated.

My tummy is rounded and big that I’m scary to see it!! What to do author-shii??

T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “And next week I will conduct my thesis presentation >.< I’m so

afraid~~ so tomorrow I will have to come before my supervisor to have my draft

checked. I hope there’s no too many revisions because seriously, it was like my 5 th

draft! I can’t imagine I have to spend my weekly money again just for printing

T,T”

 

Scarlethwang: “Knowing that I will have my draft checked tomorrow yet by now

I’m doing nothing but chatting with you. What kind of student I am, right?

Hahahaha.. I know I know.. I’m just still too lazy to move my not-so-sexy body

from my bed. I wish you come home soon though so we can start chatting for

real~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Author-shii, you really haven’t reached home right? It’s not like

you are mean that you’re ignoring me now, right? Because I really don’t remember

saying anything that could make you berserkL”

 

I couldn’t help but smile reading her story along with her concern about my

feeling. I really shouldn’t blame her for anything that happened to my life recently.

I don’t know but I think it’s already time for me to come clean to her. I will

confess that I am gay and see her response for that. If she despises me then maybe

it’s just my bad luck and it means I should just let her go. Besides, I’ve come to

realize that gay in here is still unacceptable. I will try to understand if she chooses

to avoid me and stops chatting with me. Well, here comes nothing~~

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hi Fany! Sorry, I just got home! Hum what a day you have there,

huh?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Finally you responded!! Hahaha.. yep, I’ve told you about my day!

How about yours then??”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “It’s one of the worst days of my life T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “I think it must be related with your new story, huh? ‘One-sided

Love’. Is it based on true story of your life, author? Sorry if the question is too

personal. You are free to ignore it ^^”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “That’s alright. You got me right again, reader! I wonder is it really

possible that you have those special gifts within you??”

 

Scarlethwang: “It’s your choice whether you want to believe it or not, author :p”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Ishh!! Okay, I will try you then. Based on your ‘feelings’, what do

you think about me?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Okay, let’s try this then. You are a sensitive girl. You look strong

and though from outside but actually you have a fragile and weak heart. You like

to hear sad songs because you know it will make you cry easily. You are a

melancholic type. You are so secretive about your love life even to your own

family. You love your family so much, especially your mother. You are actually a

stubborn girl but you seldom show it. You like to help people and have the

tendency to always say yes everytime people try to ask help from you. How about

my analysis, author-shii?”

 

Okay, I admit that most of that,, no no scratch that! All of she was saying are true!

I mean, how could she know about me that well? I’m so sure, perfectly sure that I

never told her about myself, at least not that detail. I mean, I don’t even think

Jessica knows about me that much. I guess she really didn’t lie when she told me

about that special gift she got from God. Can I even call her fortuneteller or

paranormal or well anything with similar meaning. So uh do I really have to admit

that what she was saying is true indeed? Or I have to deny some of it so she will

feel that I’m not that easy to be read? Hum I feel so confused right now >.<

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhm do I really need to be honest with that?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Of course!!! I’ve to concentrate and spend my energy just to give

you my honest and right answer about you so you have to at least tell me how

many percent I got the right answer?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Damn you, Tiffany!! You got it all right!! None of your mentions

is wrong. I really feel bad to admit it so I hope you won’t get too cocky!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahaha!! See!! Now you have to admit that I’m really special!!

So tell me about this unrequited love that forced you to make a new story, not to

mention the angsty one.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Have you read it?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yes, of course! You are my favorite author, remember??”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “So, what do you think of it?”

 

Scarlethwang: “It’s really sad. I can feel your emotion in that story. It’s totally

different with the other stories.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Is it supposed to be a compliment? If yes then thank you~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahaha.. don’t be so full of yourself, author-shii!! So care to share

your sad love story? Who knows I can entertain you and recover your mood, right?

Kekeke~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Actually, I have something to confess to you, Fany-ah~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Uh oh, are you planning to tell me that you love me and you want

me to be your girlfriend? Haahaha~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Will you be okay if I did that?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Okay, it seems serious. So what is it about, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Do you still remember your question about the reason behind my

account’s name on AFF?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yeah, I do but you never really answer that until now. So, what

about it?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I love a person with a blonde hair so that’s why I chose that name.”

 

Scarlethwang: “And I assume that he doesn’t love you back so that’s why you

decided to make the story?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “It’s a she not a he if you know what I mean.”

 

I quickly left my seat and went walking around my room, feeling afraid to read her

reply. Well, that if she decided to reply it. What if she chose to immediately log out

as soon as she read my confession? What if she deleted me from her friends list?

OMG I’m so panic right now I can go crazy right now and then. Suddenly I heard

familiar sound coming from my PC and yes it was the same sound I always heard

whenever Tiffany messaged me. I emboldened myself to ready the message.

Whatever happens later, at least I’ve tried to be honest and come clean to her.

------------------------------------------

 

Someday

 

Scarlethwang: “I have predicted that before so I’m sorry but it’s not really

surprising for me.”

 

Whoaaa?!! Did I read it rightly? Do I need to borrow my mother’s glasses and

wear it before reread her message again? I mean she didn’t log out and she didn’t

delete me too!! I feel like I want to jump like maniac right now! But I don’t want

my mom to come here and think that her lovely daughter is crazy.

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Are you okay with that? I mean, don’t you feel that I’m disgusting

or weird or something like that? I totally understand if starting today you want to

stop chatting with me you know.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Did you forget that I have lived in States until high school? I guess

gays are pretty common in there. Besides, don’t you think you have full right to

determine your love life and preferences? I don’t have right to judge you because

it’s not your choice in the first place to be gay, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “That’s very wise of you. Thank you for not judging me and for

your understanding, Tiffany. I really appreciate that you know.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You are most welcome, author. So now that you have confessed

you preferences and that I have accepted fairly, I think it’s time for you to tell me

about that blonde girl, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I think it’s fairly enough. Okay I will tell it in short. I met her 5

years ago and it means it’s been 5 years I keep this sinful feeling for her. I love her

and this love keeps growing each day. It doesn’t extinguish like I’ve expected to. I

always there beside her in every step that she make. I never left her, not even once.

She went to me when a boy she secretly had crush with finally confessed to her.

With heavy heart I watched her saying yes to the boy and finally they were

together.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I was there whenever she had fight with her boyfriend. She always

ran to me to complain about her heartache, about her boyfriend that couldn’t give

enough attention to her, about him being selfish etc etc. Can you imagine how I

feel? To know that you love the person who just right in front of you yet she never

realized that. She never really acknowledges my feelings for her. She always

knows that I love her as a best friend when in fact I love her much more than that.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’m really a fool, aren’t I? I know she will never see me more than

just a best friend but I’m idiotically still hanging around her, hoping that maybe

someday she will know my feeling and perhaps accept me as a lover. Hahaaha

what am I blabbering of? Sorry for making you read this silly love story of mine,

Fany.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhm anyhow, you are still there, right? Or did my story make you

feel bored that you already go sleeping by now and it means I have been talking to

myself T,T”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t worry, author! I am still here and yes I have read your story

attentively. So do you want me to just be a place where you can tell your story with

or you also want me to be an advisor in your love life?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Feel free to comment please. I really need that honestly because I

never told anyone regarding this matter before. You are the only person who

knows it.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Before that, is she single now? And have you ever asked her about

her opinion concerning gay things?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yes she is but there’s a guy who tried to court her recently. He was

a real playboy in our university back then but I can’t deny the fact that he is very

attractive and undoubtedly she feels attracted to him. Sighed. I am really hopeless,

aren’t I?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I see. Then how about her thoughts regarding gay thingy?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I think she is frightened about that. I ever told her about me being a

writer and I even gave her the link to read my stories. I tried to give her hints about

gay things and wanted to see her reaction about that but well let’s just say things

didn’t go as I’ve planned.”

 

Scarlethwang: “What did she say about that?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “She was startled and even told me several times that I must not go

gay like the characters I have written. She even asked me repetitively whether I

was gay or not. It feels like she is afraid of me being gay.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I presume you understand what it means right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah. It hurts so much but I have to admit that she will never and I

mean never love me the same way as I love her.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You got it right, author-shii. Don’t you think it’s already time for

you to move on? Have you ever tried it before?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Now that you mentioned it, I think I’ve never tried it. All these

years I only set my eyes for her and her only. Besides, she works at the same

company as mine. We always have lunch together and since she broke up with her

last boyfriend, I always drive her home every day. So it’s kinda natural that I can’t

forget about her, right?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yup! And that’s adding more reasons to move on author. No

offense, but you have reached the age where you should have a lover, right? So

why don’t you try to move out from your narrow circle and seek for a person who

can love you for who you are. It’s just a guess but I think you can never say no to

her, right? You always assure her that you will always be there for her, to help her,

to give advices to her, to be everything she wants and needs. Am I right, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “You hit the bull’s-eye again Tiffany. I don’t know whether I have

to be happy to know that I don’t need to tell you further about that yet you already

know or I should feel afraid that you will know much deeper information regarding

me that eventually you can even see me nakedly even from far away.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahahaha.. Naked?? Really author? I am not a pervert like you!!

But if that’s the case you are worrying about then you can rest assure because I

respect privacy very much so there’s no way I will dig your biggest secret without

informing you beforehand.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Thank you! I really appreciate that, Fany~”

 

Scarlethwang: “No problem. So, can we back to our main topic?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “About me who really should try moving on??”

 

Scarlethwang: “Uh Oh.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Do you think I can do it?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Nothing is impossible, author. All you have to do is just trying

your best and soon the best outcome will fall before you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Okay I agree. So where should I start from?”

 

Scarlethwang: “You really need to make your world not only revolves around her.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Do you think I have to spend my time not only with her but also

with others?”

 

Scarlethwang: “You really spend all your time for you, don’t you? That’s not

including how much time you’ve spent to think about her before you sleep, after

you wake up, when you do your business in toilet-“

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yah!! That’s unbelievable! How can I think so low of her by

picturing her when I’m doing my ‘business’??!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahaha.. I’m just kidding, author ^^”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sighed. Why do you love bullying me so much?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Because your microprocessor is still Pentium II while mine is

already i7 so it clears already why, right? Kekeke..”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sighed again. What should I do about you? Are you sure that I’m

your favorite author? And that I’m one of your idols?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Never been so sure before ^^”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Just do as you like.”

 

Scarlethwang: “My pleasure then. Hehehe…”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Back to the initial topic. So, how do you think I can do that? You

know like spare some of my time not to think about her and such?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Easy! Just spare it by chatting with me more frequently ^^”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Are you for real? =.=”

 

Scarlethwang: “Why? Do you think chatting with me is boring? T.T”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “It’s not that. But she will be suspicious and ask who you are. What

answer should I provide for her by then?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Your favorite reader?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “You wish, Tiffany Hwang. But well, for now you are my favorite

reader indeed. Just for now! I’m sure soon enough, many readers will ask for my

twitter account, kakao, facebook, and such too.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m sure about that too, but will you find such as interesting reader,

not to mention nice, kind, humble, generous, and has the ability to bully you like

me? :p”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Is your ability for bullying me can be proud of? You really are

something you know.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Of course! Because I know not everyone can do that to you, right?

Anyway so, what do you think about my idea?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Spending more time to chat with you? But don’t you need to

conduct your thesis, consult to your supervisor, etc etc?”

 

Scarlethwang: “You are right but I can always tell you whether I’m available or

not, right? Don’t worry author-shii, chatting with you was never a disturbance for

me.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah that’s what I’m afraid-“

 

Kim Taeyeon: “WAIT! How did you know that that was the one I was thinking

of?!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Feelings? Kekekeke~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAH!! That’s trespassing!! I can charge you for that!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahahaha!! Not only is your face kid-like but your behavior

too!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Shut up! But well, I’ll try your method tomorrow. So, will it be

okay to message you at lunch or maybe when I have nothing to do at work?”

 

Scarlethwang: “But don’t you usually update your story when you don’t have

work?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAH! Did you read me again?!”

 

Scarlethwang: “I pay attention to the time of your update you know. Duh! Your

update time usually ranged from 10 am – 5 pm and it matches your work time. Am

I right author?? Sighed it’s really hard to talk with someone whose brain capacity

is much smaller than me.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr.. I hate you!! I’m considered smart when I was in college you

know, even up until now! My boss likes me because I can understand fast and he

doesn’t have to explain things more than once.”

 

Scarlethwang: “So?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “If you were near me, I would have my slippers thrown at your

face!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahha.. You are really entertaining you know?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah yeah whatever. Sorry Fany, I think I have to go to sleep right

now. I don’t want to be late to work.”

 

Scarlethwang: “It’s okay, author! Have a nice dream!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Wait! What time do you usually sleep?? It’s not good to sleep too

late. It can damage your health eventually.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Awwww, such a caring author I have here. Maybe 2 hours from

now I will go to sleep.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Promise me you will sleep in less than 2 hours?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Errrr… Why should I do that again?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Because I ask you to and why I ask you to? Because I care! Why

should I care? Don’t ask too much and just do that for me, okay?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahahaha.. Are you doing monologue, author?? Then maybe I

shouldn’t chat with you any longer because apparently you can talk with yourself!

Hahahaha…”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Tsk! If this is what would happen if we chat more frequently,

maybe I really need to rethink about it again.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Awww,, don’t be mad please, author. I promise I will be a good

girl and sleep in less than 2 hours okay?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Great! Now, good night Tiffany. Have a nice dream for you too.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Okay! Bye author!!”

 

Maybe her idea wouldn’t be so bad. I mean what does the worst can be happen??

Jessica will be busy with her crush soon or later anyway. Yeah she will be courted

more intensely each day while I can do nothing but just seeing that from afar. I

know I will be hurt soon enough but this time I have to prepare myself well

perhaps by chatting more often with Tiffany and all. Now that I think about

tomorrow, suddenly I remember why lately Jessica seemed so busy with her phone

when we were at lunch together. At first I didn’t pay attention at all because at that

time I would be busy checking new comments, walls, private messages and such.

 

I’m so sure that she was busy typing and replying messages to Donghae, that

bastard! But even if it wasn’t Donghae, I still have to accept the fact that Jessica is

totally straight while me, I’m totally bent near to broken. It means even that the

man isn’t Donghae, still Jessica will never be mine. I’m fated to be her best friend

only and that fact will never change. i should be happy for her instead of being

sulky and moody like now. Tsk! How pathetic you can be, Kim Taeyeon?! Okay,

enough thinking! My brain is tired already, bickering and debating with Tiffany yet

she always manages to be the winner. Good night me, good night Tiffany and good

night my love, Jessica. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

-----------------------------

 

“Tae? Are you even listening to me?!” Jessica said to me while glaring at me and

my phone which tightly held inside my palm.

 

“Eh, sorry I didn’t catch it. What did you say again? It’s about Dongahe, right?”

My phone blinked again but this time I don’t have any guts to look at it.

 

“What a great best friend you are, Tae.” I was sure she added sarcasm in her

statement but well Jessica is right. I am not a good best friend. What kind of best

friend who would love her own best friend? Not to mention that the best friend has

the same gender as me. Sighed, I guess I should call it quit soon, to be Jessica best

friend I mean. But how? Can I even spend a day thoroughly without having to

experience longing feeling toward her?

 

“I’m so sorry, Jessi. I was-“

 

“Too busy with your imaginer friend on phone? Too busy chatting with her to

discuss the latest update of your story? Or maybe too immerse in your own world,

you know being a nice author who has responsible to always say hi and how are

you to your readers?” Jessica again attacked me with her sarcasm and I couldn’t do

a thing about it. She was right, I ignored her and too concentrate with Tiffany and

my phone.

 

“I know I was wrong. Here, I already turn off my phone so you will you please

repeat your story?” I showed the blank and black screen of my phone. I put away

my phone and asked her again, hoping that she would forgive me even that I’m

sure I will still repeat the same mistakes over and over again as long as the topic is

that bastard Donghae.

 

“Forget it, Tae. Our recess time is over anyway. Let’s get back to work.” Jessica

sucked the last drip of her drink and intended to get up. I didn’t know what else to

say so I just follow her back to our office.

 

“But can you repeat it on our way home? I promise I won’t exceed the speed limit

so I will hear it just alright later. Please?” I tried to match my step with her. We

already entered the office lobby and now on our way to the elevator.

 

“Sighed. You really didn’t listen to me at all, did you? Fine, I will just repeat the

most important ones. I said that you don’t have to drive me home as usual because

Donghae will fetch me. He asked to have a dinner date with me and since I don’t

have any reason to say no to him~”

 

“So you just said yes to him?” I asked weakly. I closed my eyes, trying to prevent

the salty water to fall out from my eyes. I had difficulty to breath despite the fact I

breathe with my lung not heart. My hearts hurt but I never know it can affect my

other organs such as lung and eyes. Maybe this is what falls in love means; you

will always fall without any possibility to get up any soon. Once you fall into the

bottomless pit called love, there will be no way out. You can’t climb nor can you

walk away from it. All you can do is just pray and pray and pray, hoping that

someday God will lead you out from the horrible thing called love.

 

“He has been asking me for the last few days you know and because I don’t want

you to drive alone in cold nights so I never said yes until today.” Jessica answered

me casually. She really is dense, isn’t she? I laughed bitterly at my own pathetic

destiny for falling in love carelessly. Not long after the ding sound could be heard.

 

“Oh okay. I have many works to do. I will see you tomorrow then?” I diverted the

topic purposely. What’s the point of asking further anyway if I already know the

answer will just kill me a little bit more?

 

“Alright. See you, Tae!” Jessica didn’t even look back at me. She walked to her

own desk and left me behind. How more pathetic you can be, Kim Taeyeon??

 

I didn’t directly go back to my own desk. I changed my direction and headed to the

restroom. I entered one of the vacant restroom and locked the door. I sat on the

lavatory and cried my heart out. I feel my body trembling and again I have

difficulty to breathe properly. It feels like there’s no more oxygen available to

enter my lung. I gaze at nothingness and don’t even want to wipe away my tears. I

let it stream out freely and rapidly. My vision starts to get blur yet I still don’t care.

It hurts; it really does hurt a lot. It feels like my heart has been stabbed by

countless knifes. It feels much more painful when the person you love don’t even

care about your feeling and never once consider following your advices.

 

I was hoping that Jessica might be change her mind after being left by Taecyeon,

that maybe she would consider to change her preferences once I proved her enough

that I could also be as reliable as a guy that I could also protect her heart and that I

would always be there for her, be the shoulder for her to cry on and be the sand bag

for her to hit whenever she was being emotional or maybe when she’s on her

period. Be the sun when her world is dark, be the alarm clock that will always

wake her up every morning, be her shelter to protect her from the cold and rain, be

her mood booster whenever she is down, be everything and anything she wants me

to be.

 

Now I’m fully aware that there is no way she will like me and love me like how I

love her. I am so hopelessly in love with her that I’m willing to trade my soul for

her but sadly, she doesn’t feel that way toward me. Probably Tiffany’s right. I need

to get over her and forget her. I have to accept the fact that she will always treat me

as her best friend only, nothing more. I grabbed the tissues and wipe away my

tears. I went out from the cubicle and reapplied my make-up, trying hard to cover

my red and swollen eyes. People say that love doesn’t have to own. Love only

knows how to give without granted. I compose myself and enchant words that by

seeing her being happy will be enough for me. I’m sure I can find my own

happiness soon, right? Maybe my happiness is not with her; maybe I’m not

destined to be with her. Come on, Tae! You have to think positive about yourself!!

I pumped up my chest and smiled to myself before exiting the restroom and busied

myself with works.

-------------------------------

 

“Tae, do you have much work?” Jessica came to my cubicle and took a peek of

what I was doing. Fortunately I was typing some documents about hazardous

chemical atom which supposedly to be due not until next week.

 

“Yup!” I replied shortly while still pretending to be fully concentrating with the

documents. Well, how can I concentrate if she is here anyway? And to know that

in mere minutes, she will be leaving me to have a dinner date with that jerk and

maybe at the end of the night, that bastard will try his luck to plant a kiss on her

lips, the lips which should had been mine from the start. I shook my heart to get rid

of that terrible delusional imagination.

 

“What’s wrong, Tae? Do you have headache?” Jessica asked me worriedly well

scratch the worried one. I didn’t know actually since I haven’t had chance to gaze

at her since she was here seconds ago.

 

“Nothing. I’m fine. Maybe because I have been in front of the computer screen

since hours ago. I will just buy a cup of coffee and ramen cup downstairs later.” I

stopped typing and massage the bridge of my nose.

 

“Then let’s go down together!” Jessica said while staring at her phone screen,

maybe reading the message sent by Donghae. I’m sure he is already waiting with

her oh so nice and macho car. Tsk!

 

“You can go first, Jessi. I will do it just later, maybe after this page. I’m afraid I

will forget the last page I’ve typed. You know how I tend to forget things easily,

right?” I gave her a fake reassurance smile. How can I stare at your back which

will gradually fade away to leave with another guy? How can I stand still watching

you leaving me with your hand intertwine with his hand and to recognize that

somehow your hand will fit perfectly inside his palm? How can I, Jessi?

 

“Are you sure?” Jessica asked me again which I replied only with a weak nod.

 

“Go, Jessi. You don’t want to make a bad impression on your first date, do you?

Don’t make him wait more, Jessi. I will be okay.” I stood up to pat her shoulder,

convincing her that I will be okay, that I will be just fine, and all of this date thingy

won’t affect me when in fact all of those were nothing but white lies I told just to

see you smile and feel relieved.

 

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, Tae. Don’t stay too late, okay?” Jessica patted me

back and walked away. See? It hurts enough just to see her leaving me alone then

how much hurt it can be if I’m downstairs and witness her walking away with a

guy from me? Imagining it only is enough to make me spill another tear from my

eyes.

 

After I was so sure that she’s already left for good, I arranged my tools and phone

then put it all inside my purse. I walked to the park area and put on my helmet. I

don’t know what I feel inside by now, do I feel disappointed? Do I feel angry? But

all I know that my heart hurts and shattered thanks’ to my foolish innocence which

keep me stand and walk on the same spot every day. I am on my way home now

using further path since I don’t want to reach home soon when rain falls suddenly.

I pull over to put on my rain coat because I don’t want rain to damage my

electronic devices.

 

I contemplate why everything happened in a sudden. First, Jessica dating with

Donghae and now this heavy rain that blurs my vision and sends me nothing but

difficulties to drive my motorcycle. I know that everything happens for a reason

and so there’s must be hidden meaning beneath this too, right? I smiled secretly

and held the gas tightly, turned it so hard so that my bike’s velocity can exceed the

speed limit. I don’t care about the slippery road and high possibility of me having a

deadly accident. I made a hard U turn swiftly without having to pull on my brake

and yes I feel proud about it. Unfortunately I arrived at home safely after 30

minutes driving. I got off of my bike and entered my house. There’s no one at

home right now. My mother texted me that she and the others would visit my sick

aunty and maybe would come home late. Oh wow! Another coincidence I see..

 

I threw away my purse on the bed and got change. I didn’t bother to rinse my wet

hair in purpose. I was kind of wishing that I would suffer a high fever for the night

so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow and meet her which also means I can

postpone on hearing her lovey-dovey story regarding dinner date with that ugh! I

don’t even want to mention his name any longer! I know I’m a coward, right? And

yet I don’t care! I suddenly remembered that I have turned off my phone since this

afternoon. I rummaged my back and turned on my phone and as I’ve expected that

there are messages coming from my lovely reader. I chuckled and decided to

maybe wash my grief away by having a chat with her. Maybe she will have ways

to soothe me like she always did whenever I’m down.

---------------------

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sorry, I just got home and my phone battery was low before.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Oh never mind, author! Have you had your dinner?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Nope, not yet. And don’t remind me about dinner again, please?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Uhmm, why? Ah! It must be related with that crush of yours,

right? What happened again with you and her anyway?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “She had a dinner date with that jerk tonight! T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “Oh. I’m sorry; I didn’t know it, Author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “That’s okay. It’s not your fault anyway. It’s just~~ You know~~

It’s hard to explain.”

 

Scarlethwang: “What’s with the gloomy aura, author? Can I knock some sense into

that brainless head of yours?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Ouch! Do you want to do what?? Make my already shattered heart

scattered into much smaller pieces so that I won’t be able to mend it any longer?

Tsk! What a good reader you are, Tiffany.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Stop exaggerating things, author. You know, the size of our

problems depends on how well we can manage it, how we can casually act like

there’s nothing wrong in our life, how nice we can pretend that our problems are

small no matter how big it is in real life.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Easy for you to say, Fany. I guarantee you have never even

experienced it, how you have unrequited love toward someone you cherish so

much in life, not to mention that the person has the same gender as you yet her

preferences is much difference from you.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Maybe yes, maybe not but whichever it is, I know how it feels,

author. Remember, I can read you like an open book and that goes the same with

feelings too. I can feel your shattering heart and how broken it is. How it damages

so badly that there’s only this small little tiny possibility to be fixed. Trust me,

author. I know.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “But you’re not the person who experiences it in person, Tiffany so

stop equalizing yourself to me! If you admit you understand me and you can even

feel how I feel then how can you say all these to me?! How can you treat my heart

just like a glass that will be unusable once it has broken and shattered?!”

 

Scarlethwang: “See? That’s your actual problem, author. You treat your heart too

carefully like a fragile glass so that once it is broken; it will have no use any

longer. If only you treat it normally, maybe you wouldn’t have to experience all of

these. Do you understand what I mean?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What do you mean?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Sighed. You’re so slow, aren’t you author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Shut up and just tell me quickly!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Let me ask you several questions first. Do you not want to

experience another love again with other person aside from Jessica? Do you not

want to feel how beautiful falling in love can be if you love the right person and if

the person shares the same feeling like you? Do you not want to have a love story

like a fairy tale?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What’s with the questions??! Of course I want it all! But

sometimes what I want is not what I am given by God, right?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Tsk! Such a pessimistic author, just like your character. No wonder

up until now Yoona still hasn’t able to confess her feeling for Seohyun. Your

character portrays you very much.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Thanks’ for the compliment.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Anyway, how can you do all that if all you have left is nothing but

a broken heart? Do you think it will be fair for your lover later if you only have

less than quarter of your heart while she has a whole heart to give to you?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Err… No? Stop asking and giving me clues! Just straight to the

point, will you?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Slow author! Okay so what I mean is, you can’t forever drown in

your own world full of agony, pain, and misery. Soon or later you have to come

out from you hiding place and face the world no matter how hard it may be. You

need to accept that Jessica will never be yours. I may sound ruthless but trust me,

author. I’m just trying to quicken your broken heart duration here.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Meanie! It’s not as simple as that, Fany. If it is that simple, I’m

sure I already get rid of this stupid feeling for her. Put yourself in my shoes, Fany!

It is really not that simple. Love can’t be explained with logical statements like

that! I spent years to get rid of this feeling but look at me, still being a pathetic Kim

Taeyeon who’s helplessly in love with Jessica.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Firstly, I won’t fit inside your shoes and even if I’m fit, I still don’t

want to enter your shoes because I know the smell will be unbearable. Secondly, I

can’t look at you since all I can do is chat with you. Lastly, just as I’ve said

beforehand that problem depends on you, author. It’s your choice whether you

want to treat it as a big one or as a small one. Do something about you and your

foolish heart of yours! Do anything that can divert your thoughts about Jessica. Do

more work, explore the dating website from internet, busy yourself with your

countless readers, meet new people, and free yourself from Jessica! I know you can

do it, author. Stop getting hurt, author. Love supposedly to be beautiful, unlike

you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yah! Did you just say that I’m not beautiful?! I did all of that,

okay?! But none of it worked, Fany. None! The result is still zero no matter how

many times I’ve tried it.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Tsk! Liar!! You always want to be near and around Jessica, author.

I know it!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fine, you win. So?”

 

Scarlethwang: “So starting tomorrow you really need to get serious and stick to

your initial plan. I have my eyes on you; author and I will always control you from

afar, okay? And please don’t turn off your phone again because I can’t check up on

you if you do that anymore. I can even recommend some hot chicks for you if you

want. Hehehe..”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr.. You really are creepy you know that? But strangely, I feel

okay with it. And no, I don’t want to seek for runaway shelter thank you. You

really sound like a jealous girlfriend, Fany. By any chance, do you like me? If so

please just confess right now so I can consider in accepting your feeling sooner.

Hehee~~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Errr…. Thank you but no thank you, author. Even if I’m gay, I will

look for a smart and tall person, unlike you; short and slow.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Damn you, kid! I hate you!”

 

Scarlethwang: “In fact, I should be the one who feel afraid of you, author. You’ve

seen my picture, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yes. So?”

 

Scarlethwang: “You can’t deny that I’m attractively beautiful, right? Even more

beautiful than your Jessica I’m sure. So I should be afraid if someday you have a

special feeling for me, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “As much as you hope for it to happen and no matter how hard you

pray for it to come true, I’m sorry I have to say that I will still choose Jessica over

you, Tiffany. HAHAHAHA!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yah!! Karma does exist you know! I bet you will grow to like me

someday, author! Just don’t come and beg for me when that time comes and please

don’t threaten me when I reject you later :P”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Not even in your wildest dream , reader!! Keep hoping anyway~~”

 

Scarlethwang: “We’ll see about that, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Anyway, thank you for cheering me up. I promise I will do

anything you ask starting tomorrow. I will not turn off my phone again and do as

you say. You will help me forget about her, right?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yes, I will, author. Don’t worry, you are not alone. I’m sharing the

same pain you feel right now. Just remember that you’re not alone in this matter,

author. I will walk the same path as you and guide you to the right path. You only

need to have trust in me, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I have trust in you, Fany. It may seem weird, to know that we’ve

only known each other for how long? A week? But I feel this unspeakable comfort

with you. Heck, we even never meet, Fany-ah. Don’t you want to meet me?”

 

Scarlethwang: “See? Now you even have started to speak cheesy things to me,

author. Are you trying to make me feel flattered? And yeah, everybody says the

same thing too so it’s not new for me. Everyone says I’m a nice person, author so

yeah you’re not the first one to say it. Hehehe.. Hmm,, can you control yourself not

to like me at the first sight if we meet? If you can’t then maybe we shouldn’t meet

anytime soon.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Tsk! So full of yourself, Hwang! Anyway, I think I need to go

sleep now.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Have your dinner first and please do take your medicine, author.

You don’t want me to call you coward for trying to skip your work tomorrow just

because you don’t want to hear Jessica’s story, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I really hate physician like you, Hwang! Don’t wanna eat and

don’t wanna swallow my medicine either :P”

 

Scarlethwang: “Fine! Then please help yourself to mend your broken heart on your

own, author. And please stop trying to contact me too. I’m out!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “WAIT!! Okay, fine! Such a bossy reader you are!! Errr… I

promise I will eat my late dinner and medicine and go to sleep directly afterward.

Is that okay with you, Boss??”

 

Scarlethwang: “Nice! Have a nice dinner, author!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Have a nice dream, Fany. And thank you for hearing me out, not to

mention for willing to help me out. You really are an devilish angel sent from

above.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’ll take that as a compliment. Nite, author! Have a nice dream for

you too!! And please do come for work tomorrow, okay?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I promise, Fany. Bye!”

 

I logged out and set my alarm clock on my phone. As I’ve promised her, I went to

grab a quick dinner with just a ramen cup and pouch egg. After that, I forcedly

gulped my medicine since I knew she has that scary sixth sense which has ability

to track me down and gain information regarding what I’ve done. Finished with all

that, I lay my body with my still widely opened eyes on the bed. I’m thinking

about many things but oddly, Tiffany occupied most of my thoughts. She is not

like a normal reader. Actually sometimes I feel like she is like my girlfriend whom

I never have. She is so caring and full of concern toward me despite the fact that

we actually are only strangers who have the almost similar hobbies; me as the

author while she as the reader.

 

I smiled imagining Tiffany as my long lost girlfriend. She will make a great

girlfriend and I’m more than sure about it. Whoever has great luck to claim her as

girlfriend must be a very fortunate person. I unconsciously grinned while thinking

about it. Suddenly I came back from my delusional thoughts and slapped my

forehead in an instant for even thinking about it. I should’ve thought about Jessica,

not Tiffany! Pabo Taeyeon! Maybe Tiffany is right, my head is brainless. Again I

smiled when I thought about the name. Tiffany, I spelled it slowly with my mouth.

Ah I must be crazy right now! Yeah, like totally crazy to let my thoughts filled by

those 2 women. I know I should’ve been crying instead of smiling like idiots like

now but I can’t help it. Tiffany is indeed a unique woman. I promise myself that I

will meet her someday. Yeah, someday when the time is right. I let out another

smile before letting my slumber took over me.

---------------------------------

Options

Days passed and it would be the biggest lie if I say it passed smoothly or without

any problem, because it's simply not. In few months, my contract in my current

company will be finish. There's huge posibility that my boss will lengthen my

contract but the problem is, do still want to continue working there? If the question

is why then I have a very strong reason because yeah, that jerk slash Donghae

keeps intensified his move to court Jessica!! The girl who supposedly be mine

from the start! Argh!!

 

Fortunately, Tiffany was always there in my darkest days; when Jessica talked on

the phone with Donghae when lunch break coming, when Jessica busy texting with

Donghae when we should have been eating in peacefully, and the worse would be

when Jessica was no longer there to accompany me home. Yeah, she is never there

anymore to hug be from behind, to warm me up and be my source of warmth, to

cover me from the cold breeze. Lately, Donghae never fails to fetch Jessica after

work hour is done. I wonder whether she's already official with that guy or not. My

hope is of course that she is still available and perfectly single. But then again, will

God listen to my prayer when I practically have defied Him. I become someone I

shouldn't be, in love with a person who has the same gender as me. It's a big sin,

isn't it?

 

My tongue has been itchy since forever, demanding the answer about Jessica's

status. The fact that the girl is sitting just 3 steps away from my cubicle isn't

helping at all. My job for today has finished and it leaves me with nothing to do. I

have asked my boss but he said there's no other works for me today. I should be

happy if only I'm a normal person and isn't in love with somebody. Normal

employee must be very glad if he or she has no task for today but not for me. I'm in

gloomy mode since Jessica always informs me about her progress with Donghae.

What is lack between them is only the official status, nothing more.

 

I follow each and every advice of Tiffany. She told me to lessen my time for

Jessica and yes I did that for almost a week now. She advised me to avoid any

physical contact so that I wouldn’t hope for too much if she accidentally nudges

me or take my hand, because it was nothing but friendly touch and that I should

know my place. Jessica would never and she meant never felt attracted to me. As

much as her suggestions ripped my heart, still I accepted it all with open hands.

She recommended me to vanish memorable moments between me and Jessica step

by step. She said it wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t do it in an instant because nothing

would result well if we did it in a hurry. She told me that I should take one step at a

time. She was sure I could forget Jessica one day. Time heals everything, right?

 

Doing nothing surely makes me bored, add it with another fact that my love is just

within my reach. It makes me crazy! That's for sure! I closed my work tab on my

computer and clicked Google chrome button. I decided to just randomly check my

account in AFF. Who knows my readers have sent me another wall or PM right?

I've known as a friendly author. I've never failed to reply my readers' walls or

messages. Sometimes it would be hard for me if they asked my personal identity

such as my name and such. I'm just afraid that the person who asked me was one of

my colleagues! What would they say if they knew that I'm a girl x girl relationship

writer?! Oh God, that I'm sure will be my doomsday.

 

Anyway, it looks like my prediction is right. There are several new wall post and

private messages in my inbox. None of them coming from my favorite reader

though. But I prefer it that way, why should she add walls or such when she can

always contact me and say anything she wants through kakao or what's app

messenger? Right, back to my story. Some of my walls coming from my loyal

readers asking me to update my 'Enraged Lust' story. Yup! Most of its content

asking me to update it while the others asked to update my others stories.

 

I wonder why 'Enraged Lust' is much more famous compare to my other stories. Is

it because it's so funny? Is it because the plot is different from other stories? Or is it

simply because my readers are byuns? I chuckled silently thinking of that. Well, I

can't deny that I myself can't be included to be a byun writer anyway. It's a lie if I

said I never even once imagined having intimate course with Jessica. The best part

from imagining things is that we can expand our delusional imagination as wide as

we want. It has no boundaries and it knows no regulations. So yeah I pour all my

pervert imagination into 'Enraged Lust' story.

 

If someday I can have a girlfriend, be it Jessica or another, I want to be the man in

relationship. I want to protect my girl, ensure her that she will always be my first

priority. But! I prefer that I can be back to normal though, you know loving a man

instead of woman, be the person who will be pregnant, and all. I'm just an ordinary

girl anyway who long for children and happy family, no matter how will I earn

them later. If I end up with a woman then maybe I'll choose to adopt but if not then

I will be more than glad to bear my own children. Hahaha,, what am I thinking

now? I better reply the messages and wall to make myself busy.

 

The next hour spent with me writing my update of Enrages Lust. I will slip rated M

on the latest chapter. The idea would be making love in public toilet. Wohooo!! It

will be intense and full of wrought-up activities. I shook my head to get rid of my

naughty imagination. Writing smut chapter doesn't mean that I must imagine the

same things I want to write, right? Yeah, if only it's that simple.

 

I only halfway done when I feel there's another person behind me. I can feel

someone's breathing on my neck. I can feel the blowing air coming from that

person's nostrils. Hoo, it's creepy! I feel my hairs on my spine standing up and I'm

shivering. I chose to save my update to know who the person behind me is. I'm on

my way to turn my head when that person suddenly speaks up.

 

"What the hell were you writing?!!" Uh oh, I think I know whose voice it was. The

shriek and the high pitch note are so familiar in my ears. It's like I hear it almost

everyday.

 

"Yah! Kim Taeyeon!!! What did I just read?!! I can't believe it!! You even write

smut chapter between- mppffhhh" I quickly covered Jessica's mouth with my palm.

 

"Shooshhh!! Don't yell please. We're still in the office." I gestured Jessica to shut

up. Jessica nodded with still that anger face of hers.

 

I'm gonna die soon, aren't I? She just read my abnormal rated chapter! Jesus, what

do I do?!! To know that I rarely write normal rated chapter. I remember I've only

once writing smut where the couples did it on bed. The rest was in random places

such as inside car, inside public bathroom, inside changing room, on the kitchen

counter, and such. Never once I've thought that my dirty little secret would be

revealed like this. I never thought that someday Jessica would have bad luck to

read it. How far have she read it anyway? I have to confirm it soon.

 

"We need to talk, Tae!" She stated firmly and dragged me with her down to the

cafetaria.

 

"But-" I couldn't protest any word.

 

"It's recess time and we really need to talk! Seriously!" Jessica halted for a second

to say it and continued bringing me to the cafetaria.

--------------------

 

"You may look for the food you want first. I need to inform Dongahe that I need to

cancel our date lunch." Jessica ordered me again. Geez, she looks so scary when

she's angry. But she looks way much hotter when she's like that. The fiery eyes,

piercing stare, the frowing face, the arched eyebrows. Oh my heart!

 

"O-okay." I shook my head to control my unstable emotion. I should feel scary and

frightened by now but weirdly, I don't feel any of that.

 

I've come to realize that she will never be mine. The farthest relationship I might

have is only being her best friend. There's no possible way I can be more for her.

So yeah, it will make no difference if she despised me after this or that's what I

thought. I've always told myself that being best friend was what suit me best, that

being her best friend would be much better than being nothing at all. But that

thoughts has ended since Tiffany always doctrined me with painful yet logical

words thate being her best friend would do nothing but hurting me.

 

She said that I could only hearing her story about how happy Jessica was with the

person who isn't me and it would only make me think how I wish the person is me

instead of that jerk Donghae. Tiffany also told me that Jessica would never have as

much time as she had for me now once she's official with Donghae and that there's

nothing I could do aside waiting and watching. As much as her words pained me,

Tiffany was totally right. Everything that she had guessed came true. She reminded

me that she didn't use her sixth sense to know it because it was so logical that she

didn't need to use her special talent just to know that.

 

I complied with Jessica's request and is now searching for some food that will

attract my interest. I chose sushi for my lunch. I have lost my appetite since Jessica

caught me writing smut chapter. The what ifs statements clouded my mind. What if

Jessica despises me after this? What if she ask me to keep my distance away from

her? What if she cut our boundary and left me with absolute nothingness? What if

she doesn't want me around her anymore? Yup that kinds of what ifs. After

choosing, I went back to my table bringing my food with a glass of mango juice.

 

"How about you? What do you want to eat? Do you want me to buy it for you?" I

placed my tray of food on the table and offered Jessica. I stand up on the table's

side in case she wants me to buy her something.

 

"No thank you. I've lost my appetite thanks' to you." Jessica sarcastic's words

attacked me.

 

"Oh okay." I nodded weakly and sat in front of her.

 

Why should I feel like this? Why should I feel like I've committed the biggest

crime in the world when I literally did nothing wrong. What's wrong with writing

smut scene with the same gender? Well actually it’s very wrong but I mean, I’m

the writer and logically I’m not troubling anyone, right? It is my full right to or not

to write smut scene. Wait wait wait!! Why my way of thinking does is similar to

Tiffany now?! Aish, I guess I’ve let her influenced me too much. Okay okay, I

better prepare myself to receive the worse blow from Jessica. There’s this huge

possibility she will be very like I mean really mad at me.

 

“So, care to explain? Or do you need my help to be your interrogator? So all you

need to do is answer to all of my questions?” Jessica asked me as soon as I landed

my butt on the seat.

 

“What do I need to explain?” I put on my best acting and clamped the sushi slice

with my chopstick before bringing it inside my mouth.

 

“Stop playing innocent, Taeyeon! Fine! I will be straight to the point. Why did I

read rated scene in your writing earlier? And if I’m not mistaken, I read about

Yoona doing- Agh! I can’t even mention it! It feels too bizarre to even say it out

loud!” Jessica’s face grimaced while her fingers curled.

 

Yeah, I know what she’s probably thinking right now. She must be feeling

disgusted of it. Sighed. I guess this is it. Checkmate, right? T.T should I admit it or

should I seek for another white lies to tell her? What do I do? Honestly, I feel too

tired for always lying in front of Jessica’s face just to keep her, just to make sure

that she wouldn’t avoid me. It’s like I have to defy my own preference just to make

her stay beside me and I really don’t like that feeling. But I can’t even imagine

passing a day without her. I really have no idea what to say and what to do. I want

her to accept me the way I am, but can she do it? What am I to her anyway?

 

“Yeah you read it alright and yes I am the one who wrote it all. Why?” I pretended

to be cool with it. If only she knew about my irregular heartbeat. Can I let out

another sigh then?

 

“WHAT?!” In reflect, I pulled up my hands to cover my ears from her high pitch

scream.

 

“What’s wrong about that? I mean, writing that kind of chapter doesn’t mean that

I’m gay right? What’s so wrong with that, Jessi?” I kept my composure and

diverted my stare to my sushi which of course much less interesting compare to the

person across me.

 

“Of course it’s so wrong! It is so inappropriate! How could you write about that,

Tae? D   on’t tell me that those fansites and fanfictions have turned your

preference!! Come on, Tae. You know better that leaving those sites will do you

good. Gay thingy is contagious! I’ve told you so many times already! It’s just that

you are too stubborn to even take my suggestion seriously!” Jessica snapped at my

face. She looks so angry and mad and… ummm sexy? I know I’m weird and no,

you don’t have to tell me about that.

 

“And I’ve told you so many times too that I’m not gay!!! But! Even if I’m gay and

I like girls instead of men, how does it related with you? I won’t trouble you

anyway and it’s not like it’s your right to determine my decision whether I have to

like a woman or a man, right?” I argued her.

 

I think I have enough with her yelling and ordering about what to do and what not

to do. I’m a big girl so I know my place. I know what I’m feeling and what I’m

doing. I’m 23 for god’s sake! I’m sure I will regret what I’m doing right now but

let’s just keep that regret for later.  I need to do my responsibility to attain my pride

now. Yes! My pride is at stake and I have to defend it even if it means I have to

share nonsense arguments with Jessica.

 

“What the hell! Taeyeon, are you even in your right mind now? See!! That gay

thing has damaged you so badly! It has ruined your sane brain! It’s not that I don’t

support you in becoming writer. I know you have talents to be a writer but please

be a normal writer!!! Stop writing gay things!!” Jessica’s loud voice echoed

through the hall, making everyone’s attention fixed at our table. They have this

peculiar faces when they looked at us, especially me.

 

“Wow! I know you have a loud voice but I never thought you would use it to

embarrass me. Way to go, Jessica. Congratulations because you just accomplished

your goal! You know what; I don’t care about your thoughts about me or about my

writing. I love what I’m doing now and I won’t stop. Why should I take your

recommendations anyway when you never even listen to my advices about

Donghae, huh?” I stated at her with normal tone yet emphasized some important

words correctly.

 

I put down my chopstick and stood up. I grabbed my purse and walked passed her,

leaving her alone. I ignored the weird stares that still followed me until I’m out

from their sights and from Jessica’s sight too of course. I was sure I heard her

calling my name but yes I pretended that I didn’t hear it. My heart ached so much

and I don’t think I can take another accusation from her. I didn’t go back to my

office and went straight home riding my bike.

 

Soon enough I reached home and I parked my bike inside the garage and no, I

didn’t ride my bike emotionally like before. I ride it calmly like there’s nothing

happened. Maybe I’ve become immune to Jessica accusation about my preference

that I can manage my heartache well. I put off my helmet and unlocked the front

door. I heard sound of walking person when I tried to remove my shoes.

 

“Taeyeon ah? Why didn’t you tell me that you will come home sooner than usual?

I haven’t made dinner, darling.” My mother greeted me and helped to detach my

blazer and brings my purse into the living room.

 

“Yeah. I’ve done all of my job and there’s nothing left to do at work so I decided

to just come home and have some rest. Don’t worry, mom. I’m not hungry yet. Just

have lunch an hour ago.” That’s not entirely a lie, right? I plopped down my body

to the comfy couch in the living room.

 

“Humm, my daughter is a very bright girl, isn’t she? I’m proud of you, darling. Do

you want to have snacks then or maybe a cup of warm tea to relax your body?” My

mother kindly offered. Yup! As you can read, my mother is indeed a very lovable

mom. I’m sure most of you want to have her as your mother too right?

 

“Naah, I’m alright, Mom. I think I just want to go to my room and have a rest. It’s

been a long week anyway. Where’s Jinwoon?” I asked my mother. I took couch

small pillow and held it to prop my chin.

 

“He hasn’t reached home. Soon that brother if yours will enter the university.

Sighed. Time surely flies so fast, huh? Now all of my children have become

mature and grown up too quickly. I feel so old now.” My mother chuckled and sat

beside me.

 

“No, you’re not old at all, Mom. For me, you are still the most beautiful woman in

the world and don’t worry too much. No matter how old we are, our love for you

will never change.” I scooted closer and placed my head on my mother’s lap.

 

“Thanks’ for the white lies, Taeyeon. I really appreciate it. You just want to make

me feel better, don’t you? I can see distinct wrinkles starting to occupy my face

thank you.” My mother caressed my hair so lovingly.

 

“I don’t care, Mom. You may have countless wrinkles but I will still love you

anyway.” I commented.

 

“And now you are insulting me instead of making me feel better, huh? What a

great daughter you are, Kim Taeyeon.” My mother smiled before flicking my

forehead.

 

“You are a mature girl now, Tae. I think it’s already time for you to start searching

for the right person. You’re 23 years old this year but I never once had been

informed about the man who’s close to you. I want to have a grandchild from you

too you know.” My mother suddenly brought the topic I never expected before.

Yeah, she ever told me about the same thing but it’s been months since the last

time I heard it. Maybe she wanted to try it again.

 

“I know, Mom. But even Jiwoong oppa isn’t married yet. Basically, he should be

married first right, since he is older than me.” I reasoned out.

 

“Yes I acknowledge that alright but your oppa is taking his master degree by now

so it’s understandable if he chooses to concentrate with his study first. I’m sure he

at lease already has a girlfriend by now. Besides, he is a guy, Tae so it’s normal if

he postpone his plan for marriage. How about you? Do you have boyfriend now?

Or maybe at least a guy who currently close to you?” My mother persisted. Have I

ever told you how I get my stubbornness from her? If not then I tell you now. Yes,

she is that stubborn.

 

“Nope, I have none. I’m alright by myself, Mom. I mean I can earn my own money

by working. I can go anywhere I want without even need a man to guide me or

accompany me. I have nice friends that will always be there for me 24/7. In short,

I’m fine being alone, Mom. I’m still young also and I don’t have any plan to get

married before I reached 27 or 28.” I sat up and explained it to my mother.

 

“But you have to at least have a taste of being in a relationship, Tae. You never

have boyfriend since born for Pete’s sake! You are beautiful, smart, and nice so

don’t you dare to lie that there’s no one wanting you as a girlfriend because I know

better than that.” My mother seriously warned me. This discussion had changed

into argumentation and that’s what I avoided the most. I just had fight with Jessica

and now even my own mother wouldn’t do me some favor to just stop talking and

leave me in peace. What a day, Kim Taeyeon.

 

“I’m tired, Mom. Can we continue talking this later? I want to have rest for now.” I

backed out before the argumentations get heated and unavoidable.

 

“Sighed. You never want to listen when I’m talking about this topic anyway. Fine.

Go have rest in your room. I will call you once the dinner is ready.” My mother

fortunately understands me better than anyone else and let this topic slipped out.

 

“Thanks’, Mother. I will go to my room now.” I stood up and bended my body a

little to give a peck on my mother’s cheek.

 

“Don’t forget to change your clothes before sleeping, Tae.” My mother told me. I

nodded and quickly ascended the stairs just behind the couch and went inside my

room.

 

I didn’t forget to lock the door behind me and placed my purse on the table. I

changed my clothes into a more comfortable one and walked to the bathroom. I

removed my make-up and washed my face. I brushed my teeth and walked out. I

honestly don’t feel sleepy at all but I was being serious when I said that I wanted to

have rest. Yes, I want to have rest and take a break from all of these problems. I

threw myself on the bed and cover my eyes with my right arm. I have turned off

my phone since I left Jessica this afternoon because I don’t want to hear anything

from her for now.

 

I even give you permission to call me a coward because truth to be told, I feel

afraid if she sent me message or maybe call me. I’m not ready to face her. Well, I

guess I will never be ready anyway. I never have chance to be more than a best

friend for her but today, I have lost my right to even be her best friend. Strangely, I

feel somewhat relieved for telling her all that. At least I have reached the first step

where I could tell Jessica what’s inside my mind instead of throwing her lies after

lies like what I’ve usually done.

 

I don’t care about what people inside the canteen would think about me. Honestly

speaking, I’m sure by now they have already talked and gossiped behind my back

thanks’ to Jessica’s loud voice. Supposedly, Jessica will feel guilty right? So if she

calls me or texts me, the first thins she will do would be asking for my forgiveness,

right? But well I don’t know, I’m not really sure of that. Even if she says sorry, the

time wouldn’t repeat after itself and the person would still talk about me being gay

anyway. So yeah, it doesn’t matter now. Fortunately, tomorrow is Saturday so I

will at least have 2 days to think about Jessica and others thoroughly.

 

I turned my body and stood up. I headed to my table where my laptop is located. I

pulled out the chair and sat on it. I pressed the power button and let my computer

start up. The last thing I can do right now is talking to my advisor and yes you are

right, she is no one but Tiffany Hwang. I know I can’t reach her through my cell

phone so maybe she can be reached by LINE. I hurriedly logged in into my

account and waited.

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Pppanyyyy T.T”

 

I waited for her to reply my message. Maybe she’s still at her campus doing this

and that. I don’t want to disturb her so I told myself that if she didn’t answer in 10

minutes then I have to delay the urge of consulting to her until she’s free. But it

seemed like she knew what I was thinking when she suddenly replied to my

message.

 

Scarlethwang: “Stop trying to be cute, author. The only thing that is cute about you

is just your height =.=”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Meanie T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “Oh come on, author. Stop being a crybaby and tell me what’s

wrong with you?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Jessica caught me writing smut scene between Yoona and Seohyun

T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “And then? I’m sure you haven’t finished.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And then she felt shocked and dragged me out from the office. She

took me to the canteen and advised me as usual but with much louder voice. She

questioned me about my preference again and she told me to stop joining the

fanfictions site community.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Author, please finish your story first because I know you

deliberately to prolong your story in hope I will have initiative to ask first. Well, it

won’t happen! So move your fingers and continue typing your story!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Aish! I really hate your ability to read people’s thoughts you

know!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Geez. Please stop being too proud of yourself, author. I don’t even

need to use my ability to know what’s inside your pervert brain of yours :P”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sighed. Tell me again why should I treat you as my favorite

reader?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Because I’m pretty and always have time for you? Not to mention

I’m way smarter than you. Kekekeke… Please don’t be mad, author. I’m just

joking you know. So? Will you finish the story so I can share my opinion later?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I will let it slip this time. Back to the story, so yeah she practically

yelled at me when we were in the canteen. Maybe she did it out of her

consciousness since she couldn’t hold back her anger and disappointment anymore.

Her loud voice gained people attention. She mentioned how I must stop writing

gay thingy with oh so loud voice that people in the canteen couldn’t help but

staring at me weirdly! She just ruined my image there. Sighed.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I was being emotional back then so I snapped back at her. I told

her that I didn’t care about her thoughts and that I would never stop writing

because I like it and such. Sighed. I’m doomed, aren’t I?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Wohoooo!!! Standing ovation for you, author!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Eh?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Finally you have some braveness to fight back! I even ever thought

that you are slightly kind of stupider than a donkey but today you’ve proved me

wrong!! Yeaay!!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “First, you told me that my processor stuck in Pentium II and now

you were saying that you thought I was stupider than a donkey?!!! Yah!!! You!!

You!! Explain the reasons now before I click block button on your account!!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahahha.. Chill out, author. My mom ever said that even a donkey

won’t fall at the same trap or hole twice but you fell on the same trap for too many

times that even that poor donkey can’t catch up with your stupidity!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Okay! I’ve made my mind to block you right now!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Wait!! I haven’t finished my explanation!! So it won’t be fair for

me! You can decide to or not to block me once I have finished, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fine! Do continue then!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Nice. Now now if I’m not mistaken which I’m sure I’m not, you

told me how you fell in love with Jessica since forever, right? So earnestly, you

have watched her having relationship with a guy for more than once. I don’t know

how many for exact but I’m sure it is more than once. You kept your silent mode

and stayed beside her no matter what, whether it snows or rains, whether it’s

cloudy or shiny.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Supposedly when you knew Jessica would never have interest in

you, you would automatically back away and gave up but no, you didn’t. You kept

giving yourself false hope and delusional imagination that one day you could be

like in fairytale, you know living happily ever after and all.”

 

Scarlethwang: “The first time you knew Jessica would choose men compare to

women was your first failure, literally your first time to fall into the trap. Time past

yet you were still there and sat back not so leisurely. You kept hurting yourself and

doctrine that someday you could be her lover instead of mere best friend. Yet, your

position was never upgraded up until now. That’s your second time failure, falling

into the same trap for the second time.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You’ve reached another chapter in your life when you decided to

be a gay writer, writing about lewd stuffs between girls. You told Jessica about it

and you should have still remembered how her reaction about that, right? And yes,

the reaction turned out to be so negative that she started to question your

preference. She feels afraid that you will turn gay when in fact you already are. She

keeps bugging you with the same question over and over again.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Normally, you should have taken the valid answer to your question

and long imagination but no. You kept acting normal and pretended that everything

was okay when it wasn’t. That would be your third failure, falling into the same

trap for the third time. Should I keep going, author? Because telling you how you

have fallen for more than 2 times are enough to prove how you actually are a little

bit stupider than a donkey. Hehehehe.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Crap.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Is that your only reaction, author? I’ve spent minutes to type my

explanation to you. Hahahhaa.. I’m laughing out loud now.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Shut up, Hwang! Fine fine fine you win! It’s not your first time

winning against me anyway so will you stop being so proud because of that?

Sighed.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m not feeling proud! I’m feeling happy because you have

admitted that you are stupider than a donkey with Pentium II processor.

Huwahahahaha… It means you are already rusty and in near time, I’m sure your

processor will be burned out. You really need to change your spare part, author!

Kekekee.. No hard feelings, okay? :P”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “No I’m not!! The fact that I still have good position as a researcher

and laboratory assistant has proved it! I even one of my boss favorite employees,

you know >.<”

 

Scarlethwang: “Then let me bear the honor to be the one and only person alive to

know how silly the real Kim Taeyeon is! Yeaay!! Now you have to admit that I

have a special place in your heart because I’m the only person who knows you

thoroughly! Kekekeke…”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Are you even real?! Sighed, I never met a person like you before. I

guess God was trying to test my patient by sending you to me. It’s such a hard trial

though so maybe I have to pray and meditate so God will take that trial from me.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Treat is as a gift then! It’s not every day you can find a person like

me, author. Imagine how dull your days will be without me.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You really imagined it, author?! Huwahahhaa.. Donkey Kim :P”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAH!!! You were the one who told me to do that!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “But I never said that you must do it though. Kekekeke.. So how is

it?? It would feel lonely and boring, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Whatever. I’m too tired to even argue with you.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Please don’t be mad, author. I was just trying to entertain you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sighed, I know. It’s just I’m not in the mood right now. I feel so

confuse and lost.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Time to get serious then. Can I give you my opinion?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Please do that.”

 

Scarlethwang: “In my opinion, you will have two options. First one, since you

have indirectly admitted to Jessica and people inside the canteen then you should

feel relieved instead of worried. There’s no such rules about you have to be normal

and love your opposite gender to be employee in your company right?

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Err.. I think so. But I kind of still don’t understand what you

mean.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Slow, author! Save your money and upgrade your processor,

please? Hehehe.. what I meant is that you just have to go to work on Monday like

there’s nothing happened, like it is alright to be different. What do you think of

your physical appearance, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhmm.. I think I’m alright. I mean, you have seen my picture

profile right? So, what do you think of me?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Slow and stupid?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAH!!! I mean, physically!! How can you know about people’s

stupidity based on looks only?!”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m just kidding, author! Kekekeke… I think you are okay. You

have innocent face and cute too. Your nose is kind of big with huge nostrils and

your lips are stretched too long and do you even have eyebrows for real??? But

most of all, I love your eyes the most.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Is that even a compliment? My lips are too what?!!! Huge

nostrils?!!! Do you think of me as Joker in Batman or what?!! Sighed. I really have

asked the wrong person.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huwahahhaa.. Stupid Joker Tae!!! Anyway, you asked for my

opinion and I just answered it. What’s so wrong with that?!!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sighed. Never mind. Please continue.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Okay, I’ll take that you feel confident enough with your

appearance. Since people would have already gossiping about you and your

abnormal preference, maybe there’s someone out there who suffered the same

disease as you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yah!! I’m not a sicko!!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Easy, author. You can have high blood temperature if you keep

yelling like that, you know? I mean being gay and all. So who knows she shares

the same problem as you but not brave enough to come out clean like you. Maybe

she even has some special feelings for you but she keeps it hidden because she’s

afraid.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhmm.. The possibility is close to zero thank you.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Na ah. I’m totally sure of that. My premonition says that there’s

someone in your office that have some interest in you and yeah, it’s a she.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr… So? It’s not like I will immediately know who the person is

and even if I know it, it doesn’t mean that I will like her as she likes me.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Correct! Whoa, your brain improvisation really made me

shocked!! But at least if you try to hang out with her, you can somehow divert your

attention from Jessica since I can’t be there 24/7 for you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Ah yes, and how about Jessica? What does she think of me now?

T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “It’s your duty to find out. I’m sorry but I cannot tell you. I don’t

want to defy God. But please trust me that everything that I’ve done to you mean

no harm, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah, I guess you are right. What about the second option?”

 

Scarlethwang: “The second option which I don’t actually suggest you is

resignation letter. If you are too afraid to face your workmate, especially Jessica

then maybe you have to resign. Your boss will not allow it at first but well, the

final decision lays within your hands.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhmm. I think I will this weekend to think those 2 options.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Please do, author. Please think about it seriously because it will

determine big part of your future.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Of course. Thanks’ for the suggestions, Fany. Anyway, now that I

reminded, why do you so eager in preventing me from courting Jessica? You

literally dragged me away from her and it seems that you are so happy if I can use

my logic instead of heart.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I have said that everything I’ve done so far for you was nothing but

for your own good, right? I’m sorry but I cannot say it. I just need you to trust me.

But it’s okay if you don’t want to follow my advices. Like I’ve said, the final

decision will always lay in your hands.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I have my full trust in you and that’s why I won’t ask further.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Can I stop being serious??? It’s really killing me >.<”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hahahaha.. yes yes you can stop now.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I have a question!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Shoot!”

 

Scarlethwang: “It’s about your account name. What if one day your love for

Jessica is come to an end and then you start falling in love with another love. I

mean Blondie_is_mine?!! What kind of name is that, author? Hahaha.. it makes my

fingers curled.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Hahahaa.. I don’t know. I haven’t thought about that too far. Well,

it depends on my lover’s hair then. If she has red hair maybe I will change it into

scarlet_is_mine? Kekeke…”

 

Scarlethwang: “PUNCH! KICK! SLAP! SMACK! Don’t you even dare!!! *Throw

my slippers toward your face!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Ahahaha.. Why? I mean there’s possibility that my girl has red hair

too.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Then I will dye my hair pink and change my account name too!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Then I will ask my girlfriend to dye her hair pink too! Hehehee.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Stop talking like that if you still want me to chat with you T.T”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Okay okay!! Geez, you are too exaggerating you know! Who

knows one day you will fall in love with a woman instead a man?”

 

Scarlethwang: “That will never happen!! And don’t even think that I will fall for

you! I’ve told you how you look like Joker and your physical appearance doesn’t

attract me at all, moreover your brain! It’s too slow~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAH!! Stop being a cheater and read my mind!!! And stop calling

me that!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hehehe.. Then you have to stop making me grimaced whenever

you started being flirty and said those eyywwhhh cheesy words.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “FINE! Anyway, I really wanna thank you for everything. You’ve

been nothing but being nice to me, even often being pain on my ass.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t compare me with your blain, please~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Wrong choice of words, Kim Taeyeon and no, my ass is clean.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hehehe… I don’t need to know it, author. Your ass isn’t sexy

anyway.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’ll ignore it for now. Anyway, how’s your thesis so far?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t force yourself to continue, author. I know how you feel very

sleepy by now. You are allowed to sleep and yes, I will be fine if that’s what

you’re afraid of. You can always ask me later or tonight anyway.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Correct guess as usual. Thanks’ for the understanding. Can I go

take a nap then?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Of course you can. I’m happy you chose to share it with me instead

of with your pillow if you know what I mean.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Now that I remember, yes you are right. Usually, I would spend

my time crying on my pillow. Wow! I feel so different! Thank you very much,

Fany-ah.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You are most welcome, author. Now go to sleep and please think

of what I’ve said seriously okay?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Okay, I will think about it. When can we meet? I want to meet you

in real life.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t initiate another topic, author. Keep your questions for later.

Have a nice dream!! ^^”

 

She logged out as soon as I’ve received her last message. She really wants to stay

mysterious, isn’t she? Sometimes I wonder about who she is actually? She seldom

tells things about herself. Heck, I even barely know about her. She always avoids

when I ask things about her further. Why she should being so secretive about

herself? I mean, I have told her almost everything about me and she also told me to

have faith in her. Yes, I trust her wholly but it’s unfair if I keep be the person

who’s telling while she keeps being a person who’s hearing! I make a note to

myself that I have to dig more information about her the next time we chat.

 

Now I have to think about those options she gave me. Which one should I choose?

Well, I will at least have two days to consider it and surely I will spend my 2 days

off to think it, but not now that’s for sure. I’m too sleepy to think and somehow

Tiffany is right, I can’t keep running away from my problem. But, am I ready and

well prepared enough? Sighed. I don’t know. Each option has its own benefits and

lost. I’m very thankful for Tiffany was always there whenever I needed someone to

talk to and someone to share my problem with. Why she doesn’t like me saying

cheesy things to her? What does she think about gay? I make another note to

myself that I have to ask about it too. Hoaamm~~ I yawned while still thinking

about this and that. Soon my thoughts were replaced by my dreams and weirdly,

it’s not Jessica’s face that’s popped inside my dream, but it’s Tiffany. Humm, who

are you, Tiffany Hwang? And what do you want to do with my life? Even in my

dream, my curiosity for Tiffany is still there.

-------------------------------

 

Always There

 

Today is the day! I have less than an hour to make up my mind. Yep! Today is

Monday which means I can be either walk to my office confidently or full of

shame with resignation letter held in between my fingers. I can't sleep well last

night, heck I'm even sure I slept less than 3 hours. I kept tossing and turning in my

bed with my eyes widely opened. I kept thinking the options Tiffany gave me. I

thought 2 days would be more than enough to think thoroughly but I was wrong

because even after that 2 days had ended, I still can't make a firm decision.

 

I woke up extra early this morning. I already smelt good even when the sun hadn't

come up. Yes, I took a bath at 4 am! Wow! And I bathed with cold water, hoping it

could calm my pounding heart and my delusional mind which kept thinking what if

this and what if that. If I want to take a simpler way, I know I should just choose to

resign. Why? Because it means I will be safe from that peculiar stares and painful

words coming from them or so I thought. But then again, wouldn't it mean that I'm

a coward? That I feel ashamed of my own being? That I can't even defend my own

pride? Sigh! Tiffany really affects me that bad, huh?

 

I'm walking back and forth around my bedroom, contemplating what is the best

determination I should pick while thinking about the consequences too. The words

of Tiffany that saying my decision would somehow affect my future keeps

haunting me. Suddenly I stopped in my track. I remember that the decision won't

only influence my future but also my parents. What will I say to them if they know

I resign from my company? I'm sure they will flood me with endless questions and

I can't answer them with only one answer, right? 'Because Jessica caught me

writing smut chapter between girls'. I chuckled, thinking that my parents would

probably get heart attack once they hear it.

 

Thinking about my parents made me confident about my decision. Yes! I chose to

continue working there no matter what. Because I live my life not only for myself,

but also for others. I need to stop being selfish and start thinking that I have to be

beneficial for my parents too. They play a huge part in forming me until I can be

what I am like now. They educated me, feed me, paid for my school and bills, give

me endless love, and many things that I'm unable to say. I try to be a nice daughter

too!  I give my parents allowance each month. How much? It's a secret! Hehehe..

 

I look at my reflection on the mirror and smile to myself, ensuring myself that

everything will be okay and according to God's plan. I brush my hair and apply

powder to my face. I put on my lipstick with light brown color. Lastly, I button up

my blazer and yes, I'm ready to go. I didn't forget to take my black purse and head

to the door.

-----------------

 

"Morning, Tae! You're so early today!" My mother greeted me when I was

entering the dining room.

 

"Yup! I feel energetic today!" I grinned and pulled out a chair for myself.

 

"Yes, I can see that alright. So what do you want to drink? Warm milk or tea?" My

mother chuckled and kissed my cheek like every morning.

 

"Warm milk, please. Where are the others, Mom?" I looked at the food served

before my eyes and took one toasted bread and placed it to my own plate.

 

"Hmm,, it's still too early, darling. Jinwoon won't have to wake up early. Your

father is still sleeping when I wake up. So that means there are only you and I

now." My mother smiled and boiled some water to make me the milk I requested.

 

"Oh, Daddy is home already? How come I didn't know?" I asked my mother before

bitting the bread and munched it.

 

"Yes. Just yesterday though. He came home pretty late so maybe you're asleep at

that time." My mother commented. She turned off the stove and poured the water

into the glass filled with milk powder.

 

"Oh I see. I miss him. Too bad I can't see him this morning though." I smiled in

grateful when my mother gave the milk to me.

 

"Yeah, I'm sure he misses you as much. What time will you go back later?

Probably we can have family dinner. It's been sometimes since the last time we ate

together, right?" My mother took a seat in front of me, watching me eating my

breakfast with her familiar warm smile.

 

"Humm.. I don't really know. Maybe around 5 or 6 pm. I just hope the traffic won't

be that bad. Anyway, why don't you have breakfast too, Mom?" I sipped my warm

milk.

 

"I'm waiting for your father. I will have breakfast with him later." My mother

explained. She then took a napkin and gave it to me.

 

"Oh okay. Say hi to Daddy from me. I need to get going now if I don't want to be

stuck in heavy traffic. See you later, Mom." I got up from my seat, went to the

kitchen to put the dirty dishes in the sink and back to see my mother still sat at the

same place as before.

 

"Mom? What's wrong?" I tapped my mother from behind.

 

"Nothing. I'm just thinking, for how many more years this things will go on." My

mother let out a sigh and that made we quite worried. I sat beside her and let her

continue.

 

"I mean, I've been raising you since you're still a baby, unable to move on your

own and couldn't say any coherent words. And now, you already grow as a very

beautiful and mature woman. In no time you will have your own family and leave

us." My mother turned her head and looked at me in the eyes. She smiled with a

tear fell down on her cheek.

 

"What are you saying, Mom? I will always be here for you no matter what. I will

even force my husband to live here if that's what you want. Come on, stop thinking

about bad probabilities and unknown future, please?" I pleaded my mother.

 

"I'm just stating the truth, Tae. I have intuition that you will leave us soon. I don't

know. I'm just afraid because mother's intuition usually right. But if it means you

can have your future with your loved one then I'll be more than willing to let you

go." My mother raised her hand and caressed my cheek tenderly.

 

"Hahahaha.. Stop thinking about it, Mom. I'm still young, single, energertic, and

healthy. I won't leave you at least not for now. I will create my own family but I

promise I will buy the house near this area so I can always visit you and

accompany you." I held my mother's hand on my cheek.

 

"Oh, what am I saying? Sorry to keep you here. You better go to work now." My

mother shook her head and stood up, intending to walk me to the door.

 

"Rest assure, Mom. I'll never leave you, not now or later." I walked beside her and

headed past living room.

 

"Drive safely, Tae. Bring your rain coat with you." My mother reminded me.

 

"Hmm,, with this summer season, I don't think it will be raining." I assured my

mother.

 

"Sigh. I wonder why you always reject our offer to exchange your bike into a car.

We still can afford city car for you, you know." My mother stood beside my bike

while I was trying to put on my helmet.

 

"I'm fine using bike, Mom. You can save the money to pay Jinwoon's entrance fee

or maybe to prepare his needs to enter the college." I fixed my helmet so my view

would be clearer.

 

"I wonder why you are so stubborn. Fine then. Be careful on your way, Tae." My

mother opened the helmet's visor and kissed my cheek.

 

"Bye, Mom! I love you." I turned on my bike engine and drove off.

-------------------

 

I parked my bike in usual spot. I put off my helmet and tied it on my bike. I shook

my head to let my hair fell down and back to its original form, wavy and all. I

removed my leather jacket and put it inside the baggage. I walked with full of

confidence outside yet nervous and shiver inside. I entered the lobby of my office

and past the security post. I headed to the elevator and jabbed the up arrow button.

I keep praying that the elevator would be jammed somewhere so it won't be able to

pick me up.

 

Honestly I'm not ready to face this, to face them, especially Jessica. And yeah, did

I mention that Jessica indeed sent me messages and tried to call me several times

yet I chose to ignore all her calls until my phone didn't ring off again. Maybe she

tired in trying to call me or maybe she realized how I was so angry and

disappointed with her. I don't know and I'm not ready to know I guess. Humm, and

if you wondered what was the message was about I told you truthfully that I didn't

know either. Why? Well because I simply didn't read it. Why again? It was

because I was either too coward or just because I simply didn't want to read it.

Yeah, I erased the messages even when I haven't read it. Stupid? Yes maybe,

regret? Yes too maybe, so Tiffany was right about me being stupid? Agh! Not

Tiffany again please..

 

Talking about Tiffany, I sent her message this morning, asking her to wish me

good luck about my decision and yes, I also told her about the resolution I've

chosen. Not long after she replied my message saying that she was proud for I

picked the best choice, not the safest one. I didn't know but I felt a surge of warm

feeling when I read her encouragement message. I felt happy and for a second I

thought if I wouldn't do this for myself then at least I would do it for her. If she's

happy with my decision then why can't I?

 

I took out my cell phone before entering the elevator, preparing myself to pretend

to be busy with my phone later. I don't think I'm strong enough to receive such

stares which saying how disgusting and revolting I am in their eyes. It's not that I

care too much about my image but let's just say that I'm not that ignorance. Tiffany

said that I have to stand for myself, their rubbish blabbering won't give you

positive thoughts. She also said that I shouldn't care too much about their opinion

about me and my preference because they are no one. They didn't even feed me nor

raise me so they don't have right to judge. Hmm,, now that I think again, I guess

she's right. Well, she always right anyway.

 

The elevator dinged and the door slide away, making ways for me to get out. Can I

choose not to get out and stay inside the elevator for the rest of the day? Yeah yeah

I know the answer already. I stepped out from the elevator and composed myself to

walk normally. It's a hard task though when the stares keep on following you, but

not because I'm like an idol but because I am different and yes, in a negative way. I

tried my best not to hang down my head and looked dejected. Tiffany said I have

to walk confidently, like I did nothing wrong. Practically, I did nothing wrong,

didn't I?

 

It seems like they have glue that they can't get their eyes off of me even until I

almost reach my cubicle. I also heard whispers and bad words about me when I

was on my way to my table. I really want to cry now. I need to go to the toilet to

cry my heart out but I hold back myself. I won't be a loser anymore, not this time

or anytime near the future. I have to be strong for myself. If I can't even defend

myself, then who will? Tiffany oh Tiffany, what have you done to me? I feel like a

heartless bastard now. But if I'm a heartless person then how can I feel pain in my

heart now?

 

I shake my heart to get rid of that thought, bad one though. I will divert my

attention to my work instead. Yeah, that will be better right? But! Their whispers

and bad mouths keep saying names toward me don't help at all. I keep losing my

concentration that I can't keep my fingers away from the backspace button on my

pc keyboard. Anyway, I feel eyes on me so I pull up my chin to take a peek. Bad

decision, Kim Taeyeon! I shouldn't have done that because it was Jessica who

stared at me! Darn!

 

And now I see her walking to my table. Ehmm,, do my eyes still function

properly? Or do I need to consult my eyes to nearby doctor to make sure about it?

Okay, Kim Taeyeon breathe in breathe out. Try to be focus to your work instead! I

turn my attention back to my pc screen, pretending to type words I can't even

understand. Suddenly I feel shadow engulfed me and yes, it is Jessica.

 

"Taeyeon-ah." I heard her soothing voice called me. Should I pretend not to hear it

or should I reply her call?

 

"Tae, look at me please?" Jessica switched off my pc screen and turned around my

chair to look at her.

 

"What more do you want to say? Wasn't it enough to embarass me in crowd last

time?" I asked her, still looking away to avoid her stare. I'm afraid I will melt once

I see her pleading eyes.

 

"I'm sorry about yesterday event. I.. I shouldn't do that. Uhmm,, can we talk later? I

want to apology properly." Jessica pulled up my chin and that made me unable to

prevent myself from looking at her mellow eyes.

 

"What else do you want to talk about? And yeah, I forgave you already. No

worries, Jessi." I forced a smile. She seemed pretty convinced though because I can

see a relieved smile reflected on her face.

 

"But still. Lunch? On me? Please, Tae?" Jessica asked me again.

 

I really want to say no but I can't lie to my pounding heart that I missed her. I

missed talking with her, I missed joking with her, I missed her everything. I really

want to be able to be back to our happy moments which we used to share together.

There would be no days passed without our togetherness. I recalled our happy

memories and couldn't help but wanting to cry. No matter what may happen to my

heart later, even she will never be mine, even she will be forever out of my reach, I

still can't lose her. Even I have to accept the bitter truth that we forever can only be

best friends, I'm willing to take that chance.

 

"Okay. Sure!" I grinned widely.

 

"Great! See you at lunch then!" I can see black spots under her eyes. Did she think

about me for the past 2 days? It can't be possible, can it?

 

She walked back to her cubicle and I could see she smiled a bit before placed her

oh so curvy and sexy butt on her seat. Wuiih my pervert thoughts had back! Does it

mean that I'm no longer stress and feel burdened or pressured? I slapped my own

forehead for several times to sober myself up. Well, I think there's this tiny thing

called miracle after all.

-----------------------

 

"Why didn't you reply my messages and pick up my calls, Tae?" Jessica mixed the

mayo and thousand island sauce on her salad with fork.

 

"Hmm,, let's just say I was still mad at you. I didn't feel like talking with you

either. I wasn't ready, I think." I answered honestly. I took the fries with my fingers

and ate it.

 

"Are you still mad at me now?" Jessica asked again.

 

"If I'm then I don't think I would be here having lunch with you." I smiled and

simply answered.

 

"Right. So yeah, I'm sorry again by the way." Jessica bit her lips, maybe due to her

regret of hurting me, the longest best friend she has ever had.

 

"I told you it's okay." I looked up and nodded.

 

"So regarding that matter." Jessica started and took a deep breath.

 

I saw it coming. Yes, I couldn't say I didn't forecast it but still, I don't think I'm

ready for it. And bad luck because I didn't make it to consult it with Tiffany first.

At least she would have given me useful advices which I'm sure would be very

helpful. Now that I think again, why did Tiffany pop out when I'm with Jessica at

the moment? Sigh, it doesn't help at all. It seems like Tiffany is one of the most

important parts of my life and that I won't be brave enough to make a decision

without consulting it to her first. Is it that bad? I mean is it my dependable attitude

toward Tiffany that bad? No don't tell me! I've figured it out myself. It's that bad,

right? Sigh.

 

"Is it true?" I closed my eyes while trying to prepare myself to answer her question.

 

Should I come out clean again for the 2nd time? But can Jessica be as open minded

as Tiffany? And worse, can she accept that I actually turn gay caused by my

feelings for her? I flinched picturing the worst possibilities which may occur. No

she can't. I sure she can't. But I feel enough in burying my own feelings. I don't

want to keep my preference hidden any longer. I want to love and feel how gratify

it can be to be loved back. Is that so wrong? I'm a mere human after all.

 

"Yes, it's true." I stated firmly. I stared straight to her eyes to show that I don't

mind being gay and to show how serious I am. She looked shock though. I

wondered, could she get heart attack when I declare my love for her?

 

"Wh-what? I think you miss the question. Let me repeat-"

 

"No, Jessi. I heard it loud and clear and I know exactly what you want to ask me.

Yes, it's true that I'm gay and that I prefer girls over boys." I repeated more

completely this time.

 

I will be dead after this, won't I? But I haven't made my last request nor my last

letter. I haven't figured out to whom I will leave my legacy to. Wait, what am I

saying? Tiffany must be mocking at me if she's right here now. Wait again! Did I

just mention Tiffany's name?? How many times I've mentioned her name today?

Focus, Taeyeon! Focus! I should've been afraid right now, not thinking about a

certain woman whom I never even met!

 

"Wh-what? You're serious, aren't you? See! That's must be caused by those freak

sites! I have warned you so many times that you should evade that sites! It would

only give you nothing but bad impact! But what you've done, huh?! You kept that

useless stubbornness and now admitted that you've turned like one of them! Gay!

My best friend is a gay?! I can't believe this!" Jessica exasperatedly told me.

 

Fortunately she didn't use her loud voice again. But I'm sure the tables near us

could still manage to hear her. Well, it's not that it will change the fact that

practically almost everyone who works in the same level as me knows my dirty

little secret. So why not upgrading that suspicions into something more ascertain.

 

".........." I didn't say anything because I know; none of my words would matter.

 

"Why didn't you say anything?? Deny it, Tae. Tell me that you're just confused that

you're not in your right mind when you said it." Jessica pleaded me badly. I wish I

could deny it too, Jessi. Who wanted to be abnormal anyway? I bet no one wants it,

including me. But I can't blame anyone but myself, can I?

 

"I can't, Jessi. I'm sorry for disappointing you." I looked away, feeling afraid to

look at her dejected eyes filled with disappointment toward me.

 

"I.. I still can't believe it. Who's the girl, Tae?" I nibbled my own lips, fiddled my

sweating hands under the table, thinking whether I should say the truth or not. If

Tiffany was here, what would she advise me?

 

"What do you mean?" I chose to play safe, at least for now so I can organize my

mind about proper words to answer her next questions.

 

"You just admitted to me that you're gay and there's no way you know that if you

do not like someone who's accidentally has the same gender like you by now.

Correct me if I'm wrong." I forgot for a moment that Jessica isn't ordinary girl with

ordinary brain. She's smart and very detail. She will look things not only from one

angle but from many angles and sides to make sure she won't miss a spot. Yes,

that's how she is and that's one of reasons why I love her.

 

"Smart as usual, humm Jessica Jung?" I praised her and put down my eating

utensils.

 

"Thank for the compliment. So?" Jessica didn't give up and cornered me further.

 

"Please don't freak out once I spill the name of the girl? Can you at least promise

me that?" I know I can't hide this any longer. It's been too long and it will be unfair

to me. Why? Because if I keep this love forever unsaid then I can never move on

from Jessica.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons God sent me Tiffany, to make me braver to stand

up for myself, to keep my pride intact. She told me once that I would be feel much

better when I had my feelings revealed, that even the possibility of my love to be

accepted was close to zero, it would still be better to say it because at least she had

known. I spent some time to think it over and as usual, I have to admit that she's

right (again).

 

I'm sure that she will reject me right on my face and that she won't even need to

waste seconds to think about my confession first so yeah that's not what bothers me

for these few days, but the things which may occur after that. What will happen to

us? To her? To our friendship? That what made me lost my appetite and my mood

tooo. I did ask Tiffany regarding that and she told me that I shouldn't bother about

it for now. Just take a risk and see what happen and stop clouding my not so smart

brain with what if's questions. But, can I really do that?

 

"Yeah, sure. You have my word." Jessica reached out her hand and patted my arm,

trying to calm me down. It's should be me who calm her down, because she will

soon receive the most shocking news delivered directly from my mouth in few

seconds from now.

 

"It's you." I turned my hand and held her hand in my right palm. I braced myself to

look at her in the eyes to convey my love for her. No matter what she may do later,

at least I have told her the truth, right?

 

"Wh-what?! You don't have to make me feel better by joking that way, Taeyeon-

ah. It's not funny! Now mention the true name!" Jessica covered her mouth while

laughing so beautifully with her other hand. Her hand still tightly held by me.

 

"I'm afraid I'm serious, Jessi. It's you, the one I'm in love with for so long. I'm sorry

but I love you. It's not the fansites who made me like this. And the readers too,

they didn't do anything wrong because I'm gay already long before I decided to

join that site, before I determined to be a gay writer there." I confessed swiftly.

 

Wew, where's the bravery coming from I wonder. After all these years, I finally got

the nerve to confess! Wohooo!! Way to go, Kim Taeyeon!! Calm yourself down,

Taeyeon! You haven't heard Jessica's reaction. Yep, I better prepare myself for the

worse things about to happen now. Breathe in, breathe out. It shouldn't be that bad,

right? Well I hope so.

 

"No.. No, you're not serious. This is wrong, Taeyeon-ah. No, I'm just imagining

things. This isn't happening to me right now. No, it can't be true." Jessica

mumbled, talking more to herself rather than talking to me. She withdrew her hand

and ran away, leaving me immobile behind. She's gone, gone from my sight and

gone from my sight. What's worse than this?

 

I saw her leaving me again. She didn't even make it to say no to me. She couldn't

even reject me properly. She just left me hanging without any answer. She didn't

say no nor yes to me. She left me for good. I didn't know whether I should be

feeling happy or sad. Happy for at least I didn't have to hear the bitter rejection and

sad because she didn't even bother to answer first before deciding to just run away

from me. Am I that disgusting in her eyes now?

 

Should I repeat what I did 3 days ago? Going home straightly without any

announcement first? But I have promised myself that once I left my house this

morning, I would change for the better and that I would banish my cowardice

attitude. Should I break my own promise then? I smiled bitterly to myself. I'm still

sitting at the same place as before. The only difference is that the person who used

to sit in front of me has gone.

 

I've been sitting here, can't get her out of my mind. I've done my best to confess

and be strong. Time is ticking too slowly now. It's still my recess time and I can't

continue eating my lunch. What's weird is the fact that I haven't shed a tear up until

now. She had left me for approximately half an hour now but that's that. I took a

glimpse at my wrist watch and yes, it's been 30 minutes since the last I saw her.

 

I feel numb and unaffected and I think my state is worse than the crybaby me. In

normal condition, I should have been crying all my heart out, pouring countless

tears from my eyes until my eyes got swollen and my nose is red but none of that

happened. What's wrong with me? The only thing which is certain about me is that

I feel much better after the sudden and the-oh-not-so-great confession. I feel like a

heavy burden could finally be lifted up from my shoulder.

 

In spite of the rude attitude she showed me earlier, I feel kind of happy? Weird,

right? But that's the truth. I think I can move on after today. Besides whether I

chose to be honest or not, it wouldn't change the fact that Donghae would still try

any kind of methods to claim Jessica so nothing to lose, right? Well, obviously I'm

the loser in this game. No matter what I do or did won't matter. I will still lose

Jessica anyway, so why not trying to at least be bolder and say what I've been

feeling for her since forever, right? Right. I'm sure I'm right.

--------------------

 

"Taeyeon-ah, you are summoned by Mr. Yoochun. He said he wanted to meet you

in his office." One of my workmate informed me.

 

"Why does he want to meet me?" I asked back.

 

"I don't know. I just went back from his room." He told me.

 

"Okay. I'll be there soon. Thank you for letting me know by the way." I gathered

my things and stood up.

 

"No problem." He told me sincerely. I see he looks at me normally, unlike some

other people who seemed can't mind their own business. They are paid not for

gossiping, right? Tsk!

 

I pulled back my chair near the table and checked myself out. I let out a sigh

knowing in order to reach his office, I have to walk pass Jessica's cubicle. I'm not a

donkey, I'm not a donkey. I enchanted the same words for each step I make toward

my boss office room. In about 4 more normal steps, I will reach Jessica's cubicle

and if my intuition is right, she's supposedly will look at me with peculiar

expression like others stares.

 

I don't really care about others actually, but how can I not care about her stare?

She's literally the person I'm in love with. I stopped in my track and sweats as big

as corn grain started to appear on my temple. My hands are sweating and now

already wet by my own sweats. I can't really keep standing like this when my boss

is waiting for me. I took a deep breath and stepped forward. I looked straight and

walked passed her successfully. From the corner of my eyes I could see how her

stares were empty that I failed to notice what she was thinking when she looked at

me for a seconds earlier.

 

"Come in." His voice answered me when I was knocking hiss door.

 

"Do you want to see me, Sir?" I entered and closed the door behind me.

 

"Yes. Please take a sit, Taeyeon-ah." He genuinely smiled seeing me so uptight.

Maybe to reduce my nervousness.

 

"Thank you, Sir." I bowed politely and did as he said.

 

"Don't be so tense, Taeyeon-ah. I'm calling you here not to discuss about work.

Relax." Yoochun leaned back on his seat leisurely.

 

"Oh. I thought you wanted to fire me or something." I tried to be less tense and

crossed my leg on top the other one.

 

"I have something to ask you and I hope you can be honest in answering it." He

propped his chin above the table using his left palm by attaching his left elbow on

the table.

 

"As long as I can answer it, I will." I commented back. How can I not feel

wrought-up when the discussion feels so serious like this. Maybe I don't have to

resign because this nice man in front of me will do the honor to fire me.

 

"Good. You only have to either choose yes or no so it should be simple." He

beamed a smile again. It made me wonder, is it about personal matter?

 

"Is it true? Are you really what they are saying you are?" He tapped his right

fingers on the table casually, like it's just a common question. It really lessen my

nervousness but doesn't change the fact I still can't be totally admit to the whole

world that I'm gay.

 

"I don't know what you're insinuating, Sir." I reasoned out.

 

"Are you gay?" Yoochun looked up and kept his gaze at me closely.

 

"I..I.." I diverted my eyes, trying to avoid his sharp yet tender gaze at me.

 

"I'll take it as a yes." Yoochun shrugged and leaned back again, resting her back

against that confy leather seat of him.

 

"Did you hear it from-"

 

"Yes I heard it from them but if you're wrong if you think that's the source of my

information about you being gay." Yoochun chuckled. I kind of not understand

why he still feels this happy knowing that one of his employees is gay.

 

"I guess my gaydar thing hasn't rusty after all this time." He laughed happily,

clapped his hands like this was the most normal things he ever heard. Wait! I just

realized something!

 

"Gaydar?!!" I'm sure my shocked expression is enough to make his laughter louder

and much more uncontrollable.

 

"Hahahha!! Yes! I'm a gay myself! Look at this ring." He took of his wedding ring

and gave it to me.

 

"Look at the name embedded on the inside of the ring." Yoochun said and I did it. I

furrowed my eyebrows and pulled the ring closer to my face.

 

"J-junsu? Isn't it man's name?" I asked for confirmation which he replied with

another whole heartedly laugh.

 

"Hahahaha!! You are unbelievable, Kim Taeyeon! And I thought you were one of

the brightest and smartest employees around here." Yoochun tapped the tables with

his palm several times, maybe because he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore.

But yes, I'm still confused and lost. What did he mean by that?

 

"Err.. Thank you. That's a compliment, yes?" I blankly stared at him and followed

him to laugh, oddly of course.

 

"Huahahha!! It means that I'm gay too, Taeyeon-ah! I'm married to a man named

Kim Junsu." He shook his head with tears resulted from laughing too hard

previously.

 

"Excuse me?" I couldn't believe my ears. He was just kidding right. Maybe the full

name of Junsu was Jun Su Yeong. Okay, that sounds like a terrible name.

 

"His full name is Kim Junsu but since he's married with me, it changes into Park

Junsu because I'm the man in the relationship. Here is another proof if you don't

believe me." He composed himself and back to his serious state. He opened the

drawer and took out a photo in frame. It was him and his,, errr.. Husband?

 

"Yeah it's him, Junsu, my lover, my husband, the person whom I cherish dearly."

He nodded looking at my questioning eyes, trying to further his explanation to

make me understand.

 

"You're really gay." I finally could utter some words even it was kind of short.

 

"Wow! Finally! Thank you Lord for giving back her ability to talk." He said while

raising both of his arms upward and I had to chuckle seeing my boss being a dork

like now.

 

"Hahaha.. Thank you, Sir. It makes me much better now." I knew what his

intention was and I feel very grateful for that. He tried to cheer me up by telling

that I wasn't alone in this matter and trust me, it helps a lot.

 

"So you know that you're not alone, right? I'm the boss of this department and I'm

gay. So what? I'm not torturing anyone anyway. I'm gay and I'm proud of it. I hope

you can feel the same too, Taeyeon. Share the same confidence like me." He stood

up and walked just to stop right behind me. He clasped my shoulder and squeezed

it a bit.

 

"Gay or not, it won't change the fact that we are just human. Human needs to

socialize and love. Regarding who is the right person to be loved depends on us. It

can be a person with a different gender or a person with a same gender. What

difference does it make? We are still created by God after all." Yoochun pulled a

chair beside me and sat on it, turning my chair a little so I can face him.

 

"What matters the most is your heart, Taeyeon-ah. Don't change it just because of

them. God made us based on His love for us. You are here now because He

decided to send you from heaven to earth and so do I. Don't be afraid to be honest

to yourself. No matter what people talk about you, no matter how harsh and rude it

may be, please stay true to yourself. True to your heart. I know it's hard for you

since it has just been revealed now." Yoochun continued. He smiled gently before

continue.

 

"Treat it like you've hit by a big boulder for now but one day upon that rock, you'll

build your own kingdom. Upon that rock of revelation, you'll have a strong and

mighty nation and it will stand against the storm of time." Yoochun ended his

speech. But frankly speaking, I don't quite understand what he meant by that.

 

"Err.. Your last sentences are cool but I don't think I understand it." I told him

honestly and again he changed his expression almost immediately. He laughed out

loud and hit his knees with his back pushed backward.

 

"Hahahhaha.. I know right! I don't understand it either actually. I only quote it

from a church song titled 'Upon This Rock'.  Sorry sorry. I guess I've lost myself

too long. It's been sometime since the last time I was able to laugh like this."

Yoochun wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes and coughed a bit.

 

"Well, whatever. The thing is, I don't care whether you are straight or not because

that won't matter to me. What matter for me the most is that you are one of my best

workers out there and I don't want you to back out, chicken out, or whatever you

may call it just because you are slightly different from others. So please if you

have initial intention to resign before, cancel it for me? Please, Taeyeon-ah?"

Yoochun pouted, trying to be as cute as possible and I had to try hard not to smack

his jutted lips. He's an adorable boss, isn't he?

 

"I will even make a campaign to support gay workers in our building if it's

necessary." He wiggled his eyebrows.

 

"Hahaha,, stop it, boss. You're not a kid anymore!" I finally burst out laughing. I

coincidentally showed my unique laugh which made him dazed for a second.

 

"Whoaaa,, what a laugh you have there! Hahaha.. But I'm glad to see you laughing

again. I will always support you, Taeyeon-ah. Unfortunately I still have to stick to

the regulation to treat you equally like others when we're working. So I guess you

still have to deal with your problems alone. Yet, you know where to find me when

you need to talk things out, right?"

 

"Yeah, I know. Thanks' again, boss. I really appreciate your kindness. You are too

humble and generous in treating me and I can never thank you enough for that." I

could finally breathe more freely now. And yes, I changed my mind about

resigning thingy. I will still work here and defend my dignity.

 

"Good to know. Now you may go back to your work. Sorry for wasting your time."

Yoochun has back to his bossy original state. He nodded and smiled a little.

 

"Thanks' for everything, boss and I promise to make you proud with my work." I

stood up and excused myself. Things aren't as bad as I've expected anyway. Well

it's worse regarding Jessica's reaction but aside from that, I think it's alright. Me

being gay and had been discovered by others are alright.

-----------------------------

 

Today passed too fast that without me knowing, the sky outside the window has

darkened and the sun is almost gone. I took a glance at the clock on my table and I

gasped.  Wow, time is surely ticking too fast to my liking. Hmm,, maybe it's

because my mind was too occupied with my 'work'. Yup! My work was none other

than updating my story! I've done my responsibility anyway so it's okay to do other

tasks, yes?

 

Do you realize that my mood is practically still stable? Despite the fact I just got

my confession hanging without any definite answer. At least, I've told her the truth.

Oh come on, I'm tired thinking about my bad luck in love story. The first time I've

fallen in love, the first time I've ever confessed, the first time I've ever received a

cold rejection. What's more there for me, huh? I tried to entertain myself by writing

and updating 'Enraged Lust'. Kekekke,, another rated chapter woohooo!! I only

need some time to read new comments from my loyal readers later.

 

Have I told you how I feel myself become slightly famous lately? Yes yes yes, you

read it right, buddy! Many private messages and walls flooding my inbox!! And

I'm so like very very happy for it! Forget about Jessica for now and let's just enjoy

the life! Yoochun is right, what's so bad about being gay anyway, huh? Aside from

being rejected by the person who accidentally has the same gender like you and the

prior reason why you are admitted to be gay, I guess everything is fine, or is it?

 

As much as I feel my hear shattered to pieces and tear away by unrequited love, I

feel the need to hold back. I don't want to be caught crying in my table and I'm too

lazy to move my short legs to head to the toilet to hide my crying self so uhm no

no, let's just save the tears for later. I've smoothly updated 2 smut chapters!! And

no, I'm not planning to continue the sad story for now because one drama in my

real life is enough for now. I don't want to pour out another drama to my story.

Fortunately, this time I could update the smut chapters smoothly, you know

without having to share another fright of someone standing behind me and took a

peek on the chapters I was writing. Yup! There was no Jessica so you could say

that I’m safe.

 

Now that I’m talking about the blonde, the person who has successfully captivated

my heart, has she gone home? I stood up and tidied up my table and things. I

checked whether my phone and other electronic devices are already inside my bag

or not before taking a peek by tip toing a little bit and directed my eyes to her

cubicle. I sensed no movements from there. So, she really has gone home now

huh? I feel a pang inside my heart knowing usually she always came to my table

and excused herself before she went home but it seemed since today everything

would be different. I let out a sigh due to my disappointment toward myself and

her; me because initially I was the one who caused this and her because she

couldn’t at the very least utter those 2 letters for me or in other words, said NO to

me. I know I can’t possibly blame her because mostly it was my fault for falling

for the person who has the same gender as me. If I was placed at her position,

maybe I would do the same or probably worse such as slapping or yelling the

person who confessed to me that recklessly.

 

With my head hung low, I descended the floor down to the lobby. It looks like my

bad luck doesn’t end here when I see the rain pouring so heavily from outside the

window. I stand up like a statue watching the raindrops falling from the sky before

finally scattering around when it has touched the floor.  The splashes of rain that

keeps hitting the window mesmerized me. My mother was right, I should have

brought the rain coat with me. I feel bad for I know I can't make it to the dinner on

time or worse, I can't come there since there's no sign the rain will stop any soon.

 

"Excuse me, are you Kim Taeyeon?" Suddenly a girl beside me talked and from

the name she just mentioned earlier, I'm quite sure it was my name that she called.

 

"Yes, I am Kim Taeyeon. Can I help you with something?" I turned my head

around to see a girl, a cute one it is, slightly shorter than me with a quite beautiful

smile looking at me right in the eyes.

 

"Err.. I know this is sudden that- ah! I forgot to introduce myself. My name is

Soonkyu, Lee Soonkyu but I prefer to be called Sunny." She shyly reached out her

hand and bit her lower lips. She looked so.... Nervous?

 

"Nice to meet you, Sunny." I welcomed her hand and shook it. My sadness and

negative thoughts lost for a seconds. Hmm,, maybe today isn't that bad. I smiled

and continued talking to her while waiting for the rain to stop.

------------------------

 

I've arrived at home and as expected, there's no one home yet. The rains stopped

after an hour and knowing that I didn't want them to wait longer for me, I texted

my younger brother to continue with the dinner and not to wait for me. I asked him

to wrap some leftover food to bring home later. He said that my father kind of felt

sad for not being able to see me at the family dinner, but there's nothing I could

really do about it, could I?

 

I clicked the light on so the living room would be brightened. I made sure the light

had on in several rooms such as living room and kicthen before climbing the stairs

and heading to my room. I threw my purse on the bed and directly went to the

bathroom to clean after myself. I erased the make up while waiting for the bath up

to be filled by warm water. I really need to dip my body inside the tub right now to

think over of each event occured today, starting from my decision, Jessica,

Yoochun, to Sunny, a girl whom I just met today, eh.. Less than a day to be exact.

 

I dried my newly rinsed hair using the towel wrapped around my neck. I already

wore my pajamas the time I went out from the bathroom. I looked up to see the

hanging clock, showing it was 15 minutes to 9 pm. I smiled in hope the person I

missed to talk with the most for today hasn't asleep yet. Yep, you're right! She's no

one but Tiffany! My lovely yet annoying yet again caring and smart reader. She

ditched me today when were were chatting after lunch and she hadn't contacted me

again until now, saying that she needed to do some revision with her thesis and

wouldn't be able to do that if I kept bugging her. Tsk, she's a meanie sometimes :(

 

I hang my towel nearby and brushed my still slightly dampened hair. I switched on

my laptop and while waiting for the laptop to react, I took my phone from my

purse and charged it. The screen suddenly lit up as soon as my phone came back to

life. It told me there's a what's app notification. I felt excited, hoping it was

Tiffany. I quickly clicked the application folder and opened the message. My smile

vanished as soon as it appeared. Evidently it came from Sunny. She said it was

nice meeting me and was a pleasure to be given a chance to have early dinner with

me. I haven't said about my dinner with Sunny, have I? Well let's just hope I could

chat with that Scarlethwang tonight so I wouldn't have to tell the story twice, yep

to you and Tiffany.

 

I gave a quick and short reply to her because I felt more excited in chatting with

Tiffany rather than with Sunny. And have I said how she's so flirty toward me? I

just met her today but she already called me with sweet names. It also turned out

that she's one of my readers too. I told you later when I chat with Tiffany, okay? So

I went to my table and hurriedly signed in. I sit on the chair in front of the table

while tapping my fingers on the table. I wait for the program to proccess and yes!

She's online! Wohooo..

 

Kim Taeyeon: Tippannniiii!!!

 

Scarlethwang: Excited to talk with me, author?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Ehem.. Not really. As a humble author, I just tried to be nice and

greet you.

 

Scarlethwang: Aah, really? Okay hi to you too. Since you just wanted to greet me,

I think it will be okay if I log out now, right? Bye author :))

 

Kim Taeyeon: Wait!!! Aish!! Yes yes, I feel so excited seeing you online. Happy

now??

 

Scarlethwang: As much as I want to flatter you but hmm,, I don't think I have a

reason to be happy. You just said yourself that you're the one who felt excited. Am

I wrong?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Gaaahh!! I hate you T.T

 

Scarlethwang: Still don't have enough money to upgrade your processor I see.

Hmm hmm.. Learn to save your money, please author? Don't you have pity on me

to always have done brainstorming, searching for simple words in order to chat

with you and make you happy?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. Why are you so mean to me?? Huwaaa.. I will fire you and

end your contract as my number one fan immediately. Hmmph!

 

Scarlethwang: You have no right to make me fired, author. You don't even give me

salary so what makes you think you can fire me, hmm?? Hehehe.. Let's end the

joke here. I feel bad for you. So, how's your day?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Good. I feel migrain already debating with you. And how come you

and others call me smart when I always end up being a loser whenever we argue?

Sigh.

 

Scarlethwang: That's simply because others are oblivious that me, one of the

readers is much smarter than you. Kekeke..

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. Can't we chat normally, Fany-ah? Be a normal reader for me

once, please?

 

Scarlethwang: Ara ara.. So, what's up, author? But fyi, I'm being honest when I

said you're my fav.author and it still applies until now.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yeah, yeah I believe it.

 

Scarlethwang: A penny for your thoughts, author? What's in your mind? You have

something to tell me, yes? I sense hmm,, depression and sadness mixed with

excitement and curiousity? Hmm.. Strange,,

 

Kim Taeyeon: Wow! Sharp as usual, Hwang. Standing ovation for you. So yeah, I

trust you knew already that I chose to stay working in my company.

 

Scarlethwang: Yes, I did know it. However, there's more right?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yeah. I confessed to Jessica today. It was really out of plan. I

honestly didn't intend to confess to her, well at least not today or maybe not ever

but the question she asked made me accidentally blurted out my inner feelings T.T

 

Scarlethwang: What's so bad about being true to your feelings, author? And what

did she say about that? Did she reject you? It wouldn't be that surprising if she did

though. Hehhehe..

 

Kim Taeyeon: It would be better if she did reject me though. She at first didn't

believe and thought that I was just kidding but once I told her I was being honest,

she just left me. She didn't even say NO to me, Fany-ah T.T

 

Scarlethwang: Hmm.. As I've predicted but I never thought my preminition would

come true though. Cheer up, author! The world isn't end yet just because you were

indirectly rejected by her. Think from the positive side :)

 

Kim Taeyeon: How can I think from the positive side when there's none, Fany! It

hurts, it hurts a lot. If I didn't confess then at least she would still be my best friend.

But now, I've lost her completely. Sigh. What do I do?

 

Scarlethwang: And yet if you didn't confess you'd be forever be haunted by your

feelings. You would forever run away from yourself, author. At least half of your

burden has been lifted up by now. Am I wrong?

 

Kim Taeyeon: No, you're not wrong. I kind of hope she would at least give me the

proper closure. Sigh.

 

Scarlethwang: What closure, author? You never even started anything with her yet!

Don't expect too much, please? The painful feelings will be doubled or even

quadrupled if your expectation can't be granted. You know what I mean right?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Ehmm.. Not really. Hehehe.. What about my expectation? I didn't

expect anything.

 

Scarlethwang: Sigh. Let me press restart button first on your processor. It idles too

long. Probably because the mainboard has been burned or the fan inside isn't

working anymore.

 

Kim Taeyeon: YAH!!

 

Scarlethwang: Hehehe.. I'm just kidding, author. What I meant was that; it was a

lie if you said you didn't expect anything from Jessica, author. Come on, I know

you better than that. You just said you needed closure, that you would be happy if

at least she was able to say no. Because it was better than leaving you hanging,

right? It's called expectation, author and apparently your expectation couldn't come

true and as I've said, the pain would be doubled. Err.. Do you understand what I'm

saying? Because if not then I'll have to press the restart button again :P

 

Kim Taeyeon: But I have right to hear her answer, right? It was that hard for her to

say no to me? Or was it because I'm too charming and beautiful to be rejected? :P

maybe she couldn't say no because she needed time to think. Hehehe..

 

Scarlethwang: Or maybe she didn't have heart to puke in front of your face? Face

it, author. Like it or not, she has rejected you indirectly. If she has the same

feelings as yours, the first thing she did should be gasping and in the next seconds,

your lips attached to each others. But hey wake up! It didn't happen, right?? It

means she's straight and she's too shocked to even say anything and that's exactly

why she left. Got it?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. As much as what you said is true, couldn't you say it in a nicer

or smoother way? It's rude you know T.T

 

Scarlethwang: I'm sorry author for knowing you too deep. If I said it in a nice way

like, 'don't worry author maybe she just needed time to think or don't worry author

I'm sure by tomorrow she would have an answer for you'. I'm sure you would be

too happy hearing that and you'd hope that what I was saying would be come true.

You'd keep hoping and waiting that someday it would come true but no, author! It

will never come true! As much as you expect it to happen but no, it won't. So open

up your eyes and face the harsh truth.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. Does it mean that I'm trully officially explicitly rejected?

Can't I at least still have her as a friend?

 

Scarlethwang: If you want to be more sure about it then go confront her tomorrow.

Ask her to have lunch together and encounter her with those questions because I

don't have valid answer for that, author. I'm sorry :(

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. I guess you are right. But I don't think I can face her after

what happened today. It will be too embarassing to pretend that nothing occured.

 

Scarlethwang: Why do you think so? I mean today is today while tomorrow is part

of our future that hasn't been revealed yet so everything can happen, author. You

will never know if you don't try. Besides, why you should feel ashamed? As you've

said, it's your right to confess and it's her right to or not to answer it. Tell me if I'm

wrong.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Logically yes, you are right but unfortunately the situation isn't as

easy as that. I can't possibly confront her just like that, can I?

 

Scarlethwang: Then don't. Simple, right?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. How could you treat my felings easily like that?

 

Scarlethwang: I don't mean like that, author but sometimes if your heart can't think

clearly then maybe it's time to switch your heart with your brain because by that,

you can think more properly. I'm forced to say that to you because I know how you

love flattery but flattery will get you nowhere.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. You are right, Fany-ah. I guess I just have to accept the bitter

truth that Jessica has indirectly rejected me and even discard me from her best

friend list.

 

Scarlethwang: Don't worry, author you'll find a better person for you.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yeah whom I'm sure it won't be you since you are no better than me

:P

 

Scarlethwang: Don't be too cocky, author. I don't want to be that person too. At the

very least, I want to have a lover whose height is much taller than you, with a sexy

body, and good attitude. Ah! And also a person who can outsmart me and

definitely, it's not you :P

 

Kim Taeyeon: YAH!! I'm smart too you know! Heck I even am sure that I'm

smarter than you! I've greaduated from one of prestigious university after all and

about height, there's nothing much I can do about it, can I? Sigh... But! I have a

sexy and curvy body thank you.

 

Scarlethwang: Who's the 5th president of United States?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Excuse me? How do I know?! I'm sure you don't know it either! Not

knowing that doesn't determine my smart ability! Hmpph!

 

Scarlethwang: Yes you are right! I don't know it either. If you know it, it means

you're smarter than me but since you don't know it, it means that you are NOT

smarter than me :P donkey kim is so slow lately. Sigh. And yeah about the height.

You are right. Who can blame you for stop growing at the age of 15 right?

Kekekke..

 

Kim Taeyeon: YAH!! Don't mock me about height thingy! Sigh. I hate you. At

least I'm a smart person even if you don't want to admit it.

 

Scarlethwang: You're smart but definition about smart related with you is different

from ordinary smart :)

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. What are you talking about? I don't really understand T.T

 

Scarlethwang: And I just mentioned you're smart. Wait! Let me redo it. Just

pretend I never said it :P

 

Kim Taeyeon: Sigh. What do I do with you? T.T I never once met a person like

you and tell me again why God should send you to meet me??

 

Scarlethwang: Stop sighing, author. Your nose poop is flying everywhere.. Don't

you feel bad for your mother to clean after your scattered nose poop?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yah!! How could you say that?? And my nose is clean, thank you!!

Can you even call it a nose poop? Eyywhhh.. It's disgusting.. Unsanitary Hwang!!

 

Scarlethwang: Hahaha.. Am I wrong when your nostrils practically as big as your

other hole below? Kekeke.. And so that probably the poop is coming out from the

same hole,, ewww.. I feel so dirty to even talk about your poop. Can we change the

topic, please author?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Errr.. Who asked you to talk about the poop thingy?? And YAH!!

My nostrils isn't as big as my ass hole!!! You are too much, Tiffany Hwang!! I will

block you immediately!!

 

Scarlethwang: Huahahhaa.. I never said your nostrils is as big as your ass hole!! It's

just your own assumption, author. Don't be mad, please? I'm sorry T.T I know I

was too much but don't do as far as blocking me.. Who will advise you when I'm

no longer there? Who will be there for you when you need someone to share your

story? Reconsider, please?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Fine! I'll forgive you for now! But one more time you talk about my

nostrils and poop, I will make sure you won't be able to read my story anymore.

 

Scarlethwang: I promise not to talk about it again. Heheehe,, thank you author! So

next topic.. The first one is end with the conclussion that sorry but Jessica doesn't

love you that way and even it hurts, you have to accept it. Be strong, author! I

know you'll be alright :)

 

Kim Taeyeon: Thank you, Fany!

 

Scarlethwang: Okay, the cause behind sadness and depression had been revealed.

Now it's excitement and curiousity turn. What's the cause, author? Care to spill it?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Not telling :P

 

Scarlethwang: Are you sure? Okay then, it's your choice. If you don't have

anything else to say then I think I will just log out now.

 

Kim Taeyeon: WAIT!!! Fine you win (again). My boss summoned me this

afternoon.

 

Scarlethwang: It's a good news, isn't it? So what about it? Did you just get your

promotion or something?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Na ah, wrong answer. Try again, Hwang :P

 

Scarlethwang: Hmm.. Don't tell me that your boss is gay too???

 

Kim Taeyeon: Teng tong tung teng.. Bingo!! He's a gay and he's married to a

man!! Hahaha.. So yeah, literally he summoned me to assure me that being gay in

his company isn't prohibited and that I shouldn't worry and must not resign just

because of that! :D

 

Scarlethwang: Give 5 minutes.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Eh? What for?? You wanna go to the toilet?

 

Scarlethwang: I think I'm gonna fainted :s

 

Kim Taeyeon: Errr.. Can you wake up now?

 

Scarlethwang: Well, at least it's a great news for you. You must be feeling a little

bit relieved, yes?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Ho oh.. You're right! I'm happy that he opened up about himself. I

can't thank you enough for that. He's like the best boss I've ever met you know :))

 

Scarlethwang: I'm happy to hear it too, author. Finally there's someone out there

who can understand your unique and contagious sickness.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yah! It's not a sickness and definitely not contagious!! I'm different

I admit but that's that. Sigh, you're not helping at all T.T wait!! Except if you're

feeling that you feel unspeakable attractiveness toward the same gender too..

Kekeke,, just admit it, Fany.. Who's the unlucky girl?? *wiggle wiggle

 

Scarlethwang: YAH!! SLAP!! KICK!! PUNCH!! THROW HUGE CABINET!!

SMACK YOU WITH A BRICK!! I'm sraight!! Aaaghh!! Stop saying that I'm like

you, author!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: Huahahahahaha.. *tossing and turning caused of laughing too hard.

 

Scarlethwang: Stop laughing! Hmmpphh!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: I'm tearing up because of you.. Anyway should you find yourself

feel kind of odd attraction for girls, I promise to help you find the right one for

you! If I may ask, which one do you prefer, boyish or girlish??

 

Scarlethwang: YAH!!! I'm normal you insane writer!! STRANGLE YOU!! STEP

ON YOUR STOMACH!! BIT YOUR WRIST!! HIT YOUR HEAD WITH A

BASEBALL STICK!! Stop it, author!! I'm into guys!! Aaaarrrghhh!!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: Awww,, you're a maschosist aren't you? A hardcore one and love to

do bdsm so much. Naughty but I like it anyway! Quite rough for your first

experience though. Hahahha...

 

Scarlethwang: Stop it right there, KIM TAEYEON!! I assure you won't go further

than that. Hmmpphh!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: You can even moan my name now?? O.O wow, Tiffany Hwang!!

WOW!! Kekeke..

 

Scarlethwang: I'll stop talking with you. I will even stop reading your stories. I will

go as far as going out from your life if you continue it.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Awrite awrite.. I'm sorry.. Hahaha,, thanks' for the laugh, though.

Anyway, I met a girl when I was on my way home. It was raining and it forced me

to wait in the lobby since I didn't bring my coat this day. Then there's this girl. She

has a blonde short hair and she's shorther than me by an inch.

 

Scarlethwang: I forgive you. Humm,, please continue with this new girl, author-

shii.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Right. Her name is Sunny and coincidentally she works in my

building too, just a floor below mine. What's funnier is that she's one of my readers

too. Apparently she heard about me being gay and she braced herself to confront

me directly about that. I applauded her for that.

 

Kim Taeyeon: So we talked and she invited me to quick dinner nearby. She asked

about the gossips and since I had nothing to lose anymore, I chose to be honest. I

told her about my preferences and she told me about hers too. She said she was bi

and she loved to read fanfics on AFF. So yeah I told her that I'm a writer in AFF

too! Incidentally, she's a reader of mine!! Shocking right? What a small world we

have here.

 

Kim Taeyeon: We talked casually and she asked me my number, saying that we

had to keep in touch since we both are fans of snsd and that she's a fan of my

writings. Weirdly, she calls me sweet names. Like err.. You know..

 

Scarlethwang: Like what, author? And why I think you feel so excited when you

knew that she's a bi? Sigh, I really have a bad feeling about this.

 

Kim Taeyeon: She calls me baby, babe, darling, and such. Hehehe.. Am I that easy

to read? Well, yeah I kind of feel happy to know that there's someone out there

who's like me, to know that I'm not the only one who's different from others.

 

Scarlethwang: Oh my God! I think I wanna puke! She maybe addressed you as the

wrong person so please don't be too happy about that, author. Or maybe she called

you babo but you missheard it as baby. Please wake up, author!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yah!! Can't you take me seriously for once?!! Errr.. And no she

didn't call me wrongly! She still calls me sweet names even in what's app. She just

asked me what I was doing as we're speaking. She asked me, 'babe, what are you

doing?'

 

Scarlethwang: Hiii!! I'm shivering now.. And uhmm.. Do you know where she

lives?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Uhmm.. Yeah. I drove her home just now. Why do you wanna

know it?

 

Scarlethwang: Can I have her address??

 

Kim Taeyeon: Eh? What for?

 

Scarlethwang: I want send her funeral flowers to show my deep condolence. It

must be hard for her to call you sweet names like that, moreover to sit on the same

table with you when you both had dinner earlier. Sigh. I feel bad for her.. I just

hope she won't get stomachache later. Please be healthy, Sunny-shii. I know I

haven't met you in person but do know that I care for you.

 

Kim Taeyeon: YAH!!! Watch out your mouth! Even if she have stomachache later,

I'm sure it's caused by flying butterflies inside her stomach when she's seeing me

earlier :P

 

Scarlethwang: Keep hoping, author. Keep hoping! Even I'm sure your hope will go

futile.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Shouldn't you at least support me? I'm given an opportunity to love

again, you know. Huhuhu..

 

Scarlethwang: Don't keep your hope too high, author. She just met you today.

There's possibilty she doesn't have good intention toward you. And please don't be

too easy, author? You keep smiling whenever you see her calling you sweet names.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Hihihi.. I'm sorry. I just can't help it. I'm just that happy, you

know :))

 

Scarlethwang: I'm happy for you but I'm just afraid you'll have another heartache.

You know I care for you, right?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Do I sense some jealousy?? You can stop me now if you want,

Hwang. Get rid that pride of yours and come to get me. Who knows I'll be all

yours, personal writer in your future. Ehem.. Hehehe,, Sounds nice, right? *wiggle

wiggle

 

Scarlethwang: #go get butcher's knife and throw it at your face!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: Wooo,, another bdsm act eh?? I love it. Please torture me nicely,

Hwang..

 

Scarlethwang: YAH!!!! Stop it author!! I'm shivering in fear right now. Hiiii..

 

Kim Taeyeon: Huahahhaa.. Okay okay. Umm but thank you for always being there

for me, Hwang. You mean a lot to me in spite the fact that we've never met even

once. You know that, right?

 

Scarlethwang: You're most welcome, author. You mean a lot to me too. Just not in

a romantic way. You get what I mean, right Donkey Kim? :P

 

Kim Taeyeon: Will we ever meet someday?

 

Scarlethwang: I don't know. Perhaps yes perhaps no. We'll see about that but as

you've said, in spite the fact that we've never met, you will always mean a lot for

me. Remember that, author.

 

Kim Taeyeon: I'll keep that in mind. Thanks' again. You'll always be my favorite

reader :))

 

Scarlethwang: And you will always be my favorite author whose brain processor is

still Pentium II and almost stupider than a donkey :))

 

Kim Taeyeon: YAH!!! Stop insulting me will you? T.T

 

Scarlethwang: Hihihi.. Anyway, who's Sunny's account name?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Humm.. I don't know. She didn't tell me and I didn't ask either.

Why? Is it that important?

 

Scarlethwang: Please ask her tomorrow. I want to investigate her further. Don't

want you to experience another heart break.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Awww.. You're so sweet..  You care a lot about me, don't you? I'm

blushing hard now..

 

Scarlethwang: Stop being cocky, author. I just don't want you crawl back to me

and cry because that Sunny girl suddenly leave you or break your heart. I will feel

bad about myself by then because it means I have to waste time hearing your

unstoppable blabbering again :P

 

Kim Taeyeon: Meanie T.T

 

Scarlethwang: #give you a dirty mat to wipe your tears away

 

Kim Taeyeon: Huwaaaa.. Tiffany is a mean person T.T I'll make sure my brain has

been upgraded the next time you mock at me again. It's a promise.

 

Scarlethwang: What now? Crybaby Tae? Hehehe.. I never mock you, author. I'm

just stating the facts. You're so slow, is that wrong? Nope. You're stupid, especially

in love field. Am I wrong? Nope. You're an easy person for being flattered and

blushing easily. Am I wrong? Nope. So?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Shut up, Hwang! So what do you think about this Sunny girl?

 

Scarlethwang: Hmm.. Just remember to ask her full name and her account in AFF.

I will inverstigate her further for you. For now, just please control yourself. Don't

be too easy. Don't let her easily flirt with you. Let her be a flirty person but it

doesn't mean that you have to fall into her trap too. She may call you sweet names

but don't call her the same too, at least for now. You haven't gathered the

information regarding her further, have you? Like does she have a boyfriend?

What is her background? And such. Got it, author?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Her name is Lee Soonkyu. That's all I know so far. I'll ask the rest

later and yes, I'll try to do according to your advice. Thank you very much, Fany-

ah.

 

Scarlethwang: Don't just try, but give your best effort. I know it will be hard for

you. Keep reminding yourself how painful it feels to be left hanging and rejected

so make sure you won't have to experience it again. Okay, author?

 

Kim Taeyeon: It's a promise, Fany. Anyway, how's your thesis progress so far?

 

Scarlethwang: Hmm.. My advisor is at Japan right now. He will be back in 2

weeks so yeah, I'm not as busy as usual nowadays. Thanks' for asking :)

 

Kim Taeyeon: Great! Does it mean that we can meet soon?? Tell me your address

and we can just have a casual lunch or dinner near your place. How's that sound?

 

Scarlethwang: Meeting you? Then it means my advisor will be back by tomorrow

and that I have to revise my thesis again.

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yah!! How could you!! Don't you want to meet me?? T.T

 

Scarlethwang: Maybe not now, author. I give you my words that I will always

there for you even not physically. Don't worry. I'm just a chat away :))

 

Kim Taeyeon: But I want to meet you!! I want to see my advisor for life in live...

You really don't want to meet me, do you?

 

Scarlethwang: It's not like that, author. Hmm,, maybe when SNSD has concert in

here. They will come in 2 months. So yeah, see you in 2 months? I don't want to

meet you if my status is still a student. Please understand it, author T.T

 

Kim Taeyeon: Geez.. Okay okay. I'll keep your promise; always there and meet up

in 2 months.

 

Scarlethwang: I'm sorry, author but I have a promise to meet my friend tomorrow

morning. Can I resign from this chatting, first?

 

Kim Taeyeon: One last question. Err.. Are you still single?

 

Scarlethwang: Yeah I'm single but unfortunately I'm not unavailable for a certain

person named Kim Taeyeon! So stop that dirty thoughts of yours!! It's polluting

my innocent brain T.T

 

Kim Taeyeon: YAH!! Stop reading my inner thoughts!! That's trespassing!!

 

Scarlethwang: I'm just trying to straighten up your diverted mind. Hihihi.. So,

goodnight?

 

Kim Taeyeon: Yeah, goodnight to you too and thanks' again. I (┌','┐), love

('⌣'ʃƪ)♥, ┒('o'┒) you, (ʃ⌣ƪ)

 

Scarlethwang: (ˇ__ˇ)---O)ˇЗˇ)

 

Kim Taeyeon: (◦ˇзˇ)ε˘`)

 

Scarlethwang: Do that again and I'll kill you!! Aaaghh!! STAB YOU WITH

CHOPSTICK!!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: #spreading my thighs so sexily and let you thrust that thing down

below. Hehehe..

 

Scartlethwang: YAH!! Pervert author!!! Aaghh!! I can't handle it anymore. I'm out

of here! Bye author!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: Bye, kiddo. Have a nice dream.

 

As usual, she logged out first. Maybe because she really couldn't handle my lewd

words. I smiled while scrolling up my chat history with her. And yeah, it may

sound scary but I always save my chat history with her so whenever I feel like

talking to her but unable to, I simply can open up my chat history and reread it

again. Weird, right? Oh yeah! I almost forgot that I haven't replied Sunny's last

message.

 

I first shut down my laptop and fold it nicely. I turned the main lamp off and

clicked on my bed lamp on the nightstand beside my bed. I checked her message.

As usual, she called me sweet names. The contain of her message was, 'Babe, what

r u doing? It's fucking hot in here. Should I discard my top so I can feel the breeze?

What do you think?' My eyes popped opened reading that message while my mind

imagining things wildly.

 

I still can remember her figure clearly. She's quite sexy for a short girl. Decent

sized boobs, curvy waist, smooth thigh, good looking butt. Oh my god!! What do I

do?!! I need to enchant Tiffany's words to stop flattering myself and try not to be

affected by her teasing. But how can I? T.T

 

My fingers betrayed me when it typed, 'is it really that hot, baby? Please don't do

that. Your tummy will hurt later. And your words make me imagining pervert

things. What do I do?' The regret came after I sucessfully sent her the reply. I

quickly turned off my phone in case she replied with a naughtier contents. I know I

should have felt sad and rejected but hey, I met a new person today and she calls

me sweet names already! What so bad about it, right?

 

Actually, what makes me keep smiling isn't that Sunny girl nor Yoochun's support

and definitely it's not because of the mean Jessica who just left me hanging this

afternoon. It's because of my virtual loyal reader. She just said that she would

always be there in spite of everything. It's really hard to control my feelings

whenever I chat with her. No matter how she's so annoying for always mocking

and insulting me, I can't lie that that insults still can make me smiling like an idiot.

 

I wonder to myself, what is this feeling? I'm sure it's not love though. Because,

how can I fall with the person I've never met? It's nearly impossible, right? Right.

Well, maybe it's just sisterly feelings or something like that. It's nice to have a

person who knows you inside out even before I tell her the story. She knows me

that well. It's unbelievable, right? Right.

 

I promise myself to do the same. I'll always be there for her as she always there for

me. I smiled for the last time before saying my prayer to God, telling Him how

thankful I am for receiving such a beautiful virtual friend like Tiffany. I also hope

for Jessica. I pray she will get her happiness even if it's not with me. I'm sure I can

move on from her because I know Tiffany will guide me and walk with me,

accompany me to move on from her. She will help me and always there for me.

About Sunny? Hmm.. I don't know. She's new for me after all.

 

I shut myself while whispering the words Tiffany gave me. Always there. Yes, we

will always be there for each other, right Tiffany Hwang? And I thought I kept

smiling even in my dream. Goodnight universe, goodnight Tiffany, and goodbye

Jessica. You will be forever my love, my unrequited love.

---------------------------------

 

Darkness Eyes

 

Day by day passed since the last encounter I had with Jessica. She keeps avoiding

me, pretending not to look at me whenever I walked passed her. She treats me as I

am the most disgusting mankind alive on this earth. I can't really protest about it

though because as much as I feel sad and desperate, I still know my place. I

acknowledge it is her absolute right to or not to treat me normally. However, it will

be the biggest lie if I say I retaliate her behavior toward me. No, I cannot do that.

The feeling of care engulfs my disappointment for her so yeah, in short. I keep

walking on the same spot, seeing her getting further and further from my grasp and

there's nothing I can do about it.

 

My love life is suck that I actually don't even want to share it to anyone, well

except Tiffany of course. I don't hate Jessica. Heck, hate is a really serious world

and there's no way I have ability to do that. She's like the first person who taught

me about what love is, what love can do to me, how it feels to be in love, and how

far the word of love could turn my world backward, flipped it so suddenly that I

couldn't even have a second to see it coming. It happened so fast that I wasn't

prepared to receive the harsh effect to my heart and my mind.

 

It is vice versa with Tiffany though. She taught me how we can love using both,

our heart and our brain, how logic should control heart and such. She said it was

important to avoid the severe damage in my heart. I also remember how she

directed me not to fall into the same trap for more than twice because everytime I

fall, the injury would be doubled and yes as usual, she's always right. Sometimes I

wonder whether she's my guardian angel or not because as much as she is kind of

insane and annoying, she will always guide me to the right path so I won't feel hurt

or more hurt than I already am.

 

Days turned to weeks and finally it has reached a month. I never had any

communication with Jessica anymore. I can't reach her number no matter how

many times I've tried. I also can't send her message because never once it can

deliver successfully. The messages remained pending no matter how many times

I've tried to resend it. The only possibility why that can happen or the only thought

I have regarding that is Jessica has blocked my number. Maybe she made my

number entered her black list in her cell phone. It will be another lie if I say it

doesn't matter, because it hurts. It hurts very much.

 

My status and position in Jessica's life has been degraded extremely. I was once

her best friend, the closest person she had ever had aside from her family. She

could read me based on gestures and eye contact only and so could I, scratch that,

and so can I. But now, I'm nothing but here mere stalker who foolishly follow here

everywhere she goes with fear to be detected. I've said that I could read her based

on gestures and eye contact, right? But how can I do all those now when she

practically doesn't want to do anything related to me so I fail in reading her

gestures. And since she always tries not to meet eyes with me, I can't read her

feelings so yeah I fail in that field too. Miserably and terribly.

 

That's why I decided to be a stalker. I know it sounds pathetic but at least by that, I

can still be close with her even I still can't interact with her normally. It's been 2

weeks I've been doing this. I would stay on my seat until I saw her gone from her

cubicle when recess time came. I would take the same elevator with her and it was

hard not to notice her annoyed face everyday, whenever she forcedly has to be

inside the same elevator with me. I could hardly bear seeing that face but in order

to breathe the same air as her, I pretended I was oblivious with her gesture.

 

Everytime I followed her, the feeling of regret would follow me too. Why?

Because I always caught her having romantic moments with that bastard. She

would sit on the same table with Donghae with his hand which always crept up to

hold Jessica's hand. My lips had several cuts by now because I always bit it

whenever I witnessed that painful scene. Tiffany had scold me countless time,

telling me to stop doing that, knowing it would only make me hurt and shattered

apart but being stubborn and all made me stay and chose to continue doing this

until...

 

Until one day, I saw the most breaking heart sight in my life. It was raining that

day and like usual, I didn't hear my mother's advice to bring my rain coat because I

was late to wake up that morning. I even skipped my breakfast to make it on time.

So yeah, I was on my way inside the elevator, heading to the lobby. And on that

day I got quite things given by Yoochun so I stayed kind of late. I was nearing the

lobby when I saw a familiar figure's back, the figure I could recognize even with

my eyes closed. Yes, it was no one but Jessica.

 

I would have run to her and greet her, to know that finally I could have a moment

to see her in personal. I thought she was alone, waiting for the rain to stop just like

me. But my thought was disrupted when I saw that there's someone else in front of

her. She had her head tilting sideways with her arms looped around someone's

neck. I didn't even have time to hide myself at that time. I didn't even care if she

would spot me and got be busted because the fact she had her lips attached with

that bastard's lips was enough to make me paralyzed and stoned.

 

I didn't know how long I've been there. Maybe because I was too amazed or

probably because the kiss took too long. The time she had her lips off each other, I

was still standing on the same point. Jessica turned her head to me and quickly

diverted her gaze as soon as she placed it in my eyes. She then grabbed Donghae's

hand, whispering some unheard words inside his ear and left me. Yes, just like last

time, she left me but this time the pain I felt was doubled because she didn't leave

alone. She left briskly with that guy, the guy who should had been replaced by me.

 

Tears falling as soon as I saw her walking away and entered his car, his fany car,

totally different from my ordinary bike. I gripped my chest tightly, trying to lessen

the pain I felt. The loud pounding kept bugging me that if only I could detache it

for a moment, maybe I would have done that. That night I promised to myself that

it would be the last time I made myself crying caused of her, that I would move on

from the dark world calling falling in love with a certain person named Jessica

Jung.

-----------------------

 

Bad news for Yoona is sick as I'm speaking so the concert has to be delayed. I feel

bad for my idol but I feel worse for myself because it means that I can't meet

Tiffany as soon as I've predicted. The feel of wanting to meet her in real life keeps

bugging me but as I've predicted, she delayed our meeting, saying this and that

which I couldn't debate. At the end of it, I forcedly had to say yes to her proposal

and postpone our meeting.

 

My work at the office is smooth, the relationship between me and my boss is

getting better for he treats me more like a best friend than a mere employee, my

family too is happy and safe. Everything is good except my love life. Love is

sucks. It can only make me flutter for a moment and right after that, I have to face

the never-ending doomsdays. The sight of her with her admirer, the knowledge that

I will never be with her, not even as a friend, moreover to be more than that. Sigh.

Why should I feel love again?

 

Coincidentally or maybe incidentally, well I don't really know, I kept meeting

Sunny at office. It's like she already knew what time I usually go to lunch and what

time will my work end each day. Her messages don't stop either. She would ask me

what I was doing, where I was now, who's the girl on my profile picture, was she

someone special for me, and the questions going on and on and on. It's hard not to

feel fluttered and blushed with every words that she said to me.

 

You know how hard it would be to reject someone's help when you're currently at

the lowest stage of your life, right? It's like she's another angel (aside from Tiffany

who's my first angel) sent from above. She would accompany me to lunch like

every single day, made sure that I wouldn't have to spend my recess time alone.

She also has advanced, leveled up our relationship from reader - writer to

something more, something indescribable, something that I can't even give a name

on it.

 

Lately I've gained more information regarding that certain blonde girl who likes to

flirt with me or in short, Sunny. She works as HR Specialist in HOUR Department.

Yes, a quite high position in spite her not-so-young-but-still-too-young-for-that-

position age. She's quite older than me. She's 29 years old this year so she's about 6

years older than me. She looks young though thanks' to her cute face and attitude.

Oh my God, did I just say that she's cute?! Okay, ignore it.

 

In a few minutes, if I'm not mistaken with my premonition, she should be here any

moment. And if you're asking where I am now with my blabbering and not so

interesting thoughts, well I'm currently inside the elevator, heading downstairs. She

usually stands right in front of the elevator when the clock strikes at 12 pm. I never

had chance as to ask why though. Today, I'll make sure to ask it. The elevator

keeps getting down as I'm speaking to no one.

 

And yeah, if you wondered why my minds could wander around now. Uhmm, I

have returned to my full consciousness and stop following Jessica like a freak.

Tiffany advised me to stop it also. She told me that it wouldn't be fair for Jessica

because she had her own life and no matter how much the fact might hurt me, I had

to accept it. So uhmm, I follow her advice and stop any kind of activity to stalk

her.

 

I think as usual, that Tiffany is the rightest person alive. She's always right no

matter what. I sometimes wonder, is her IQ higher than 200?? Err.. I know it's not

possible. How silly of me. I kind of think that Jessica has freedom and full right

not to be stalked nor followed by me. She has her own life and love which means,

it will be better if I can find my own love life too. The problem is, who wants to be

my lover?? I even thought for a second to register myself in some dating agency.

Who knows they know the right person for me. Err.. Stupid, right? I know. Tiffany

might blurt the same word too if she knew. Sigh. Tiffany again?

 

"Hi! You're on time as usual, babe!" Sunny greeted me as soon as the elevator's

door slide open.

 

"Hi to you too, Unnie." I stepped out and smiled. And yes I've decided to call her

unnie because obviously she's way older than me.

 

"I'm happy to see you! Shall we have lunch then?" She like a habit approached me

and slipped one of her hand in between my waist and my right arm.

 

"S-sure. In our usual place?" I quickly regained my compose back and tried not to

be tense with her arm around me. We really looked like a couple. Errr,, do deep in

my heart I kind of hope to have a lover? Sigh.

 

"Nope. Just for today, I want to have lunch outside. Do you mind? I want to

celebrate something and I want to do it with you." Sunny smiled sweetly at me.

She dragged me to the lobby and I just followed her.

 

"Of course not. What do you want to celebrate anyway?" I walked on the same

pace as her, trying to dissipate the nervousness of going with her somewhere

outside the office.

 

"Uhmm.. Today my project will go live! I just finished it yesterday! It's quite a big

relief to me. You don't know what I went through for weeks." Sunny pouted. She's

cute for a 29 years old girl. Wait! Did I just call her cute again?! My brain needs an

upgrade indeed.

 

"Oh. Yes, I remember. You told me about that on your messages. Had to do

important meeting for days and it wouldn't end until 4.30 pm and such, right?" She

let go of my hand for a moment to seek for her car keys.

 

"Yesza, babe. Thanks' for remembering and I'm sorry for not being able to chat

with you for days. It's hectic. I didn't even enough time to sleep." Sunny let out a

sigh and pressed the alarm button on her keys to unlock the car's door

automatically.

 

"No wonder you look like a panda by now. A short panda it is." I unlocked the car

door of her black city car and climbed on the passenger seat.

 

"Don't forget the cute word. I'm an irresistibly cute short panda." Sunny grinned

and drove away, bringing me with her to God knows where.

-------------------

 

"How do you like the food and place?" We just finished eating our lunch and now

having some coffees and snacks on the same restaurant.

 

"It's delicious despite the location of the restaurant which is so far away from the

place we work. And I like the cozy feeling this restaurant provide. The place is

tidy, clean, the dimmed light and the coolness. Whoaa, I can't ask for more from

this, can I? And uhm.. Thanks' for the treat." I put down my fork and knife once

the waiter delivered my most favorite dessert in the world. Yes, it's none but ice

cream!!

 

"Do you like ice cream that much, darling? And you're not a restaurant critics, are

you? Because you really sound like one." Sunny chuckled. And now another sweet

name, huh? It seemed that baby isn't enough T.T

 

"Yep! I like it very very much! It's my favorite food after jelly!" I slurped and

continued digging on my ice cream. She only has a mug of coffee in front of her.

 

"I have guessed it alright. Wait! You have a stain on your face!" Sunny reached out

her right hand and wiped the stain from the area below my lips. It caught me off

guard and I guessed she noticed my shocked expression.

 

"Hahaha.. What's wrong Tae-baby? You look surprised. Was I too blunt?" Sunny

retrieved back her hand and laughed. I'm sure my redden cheeks are enough to

make her realize how shy I am.

 

"Uhm? No-nothing. Thanks' for cleaning after my face." I answered her shyly, still

with the redden cheeks obviously.

 

"Hahaha.. You're so cute, babe. Anyway, which one do you prefer? A girl or a

boy?" She asked me straightforwardly.

 

"Uhm.. I thought you've heard the news already. So why are you still asking?" I

lost my interest once she talked about the matter I wanted to avoid the most.

 

"I just want to hear it directly from your mouth. Well to make you more relax and

comfortable about it, I'm a bi myself and I don't feel ashamed or anything." Sunny

gave me a reassuring smile. And yeah as she said, it works. I feel slightly better

now, to know that I'm not alone to face this problem.

 

"Really?" My expression lit up almost immediately and yes, she noticed that

alright.

 

"Yeah! Why are you so excited to hear that? So now it's your turn to answer."

Sunny nodded and leaned back, waiting for me to answer her.

 

"Well honestly I never thought with whom I'd be falling in love with. It's just a

coincidence that my first love is a woman instead of a man." My expression

automatically changed when I recalled about her, Jessica who somehow still

engraved deeply inside my heart.

 

"Based on your look, I presume this woman unfortunately doesn't have the same

feelings as yours. Am I right?" She smirked like she had the ability to read my

situation easily.

 

I didn't like her smirk but somehow, to know she could read what's inside my mind

made me kind of relieved. At least, I don't have to explain it to her from zero,

right? Because if I have to, it means that I also have to remember Jessica and our

moments everytime I spill her name and it's a big no no for me. My heart is healing

currently and I won't stop that process just because of simple task such as revealing

my story to Sunny.

 

"Yes, you are right. But if you don't mind, I really don't want to talk things related

to her. It will only pain me, you know by saying her name and such. Sorry." I told

her honestly. I saw her sipped her coffee and placed the mug back on the table.

 

"Of course I don't mind. We can always change the topic, babe. So I conclude that

you are a bi too hum? Or are you an absolute definition of gay?" Sunny chuckled

with her own words and I followed along. I can't lie that her smart attitude attracts

me somehow. I always feel weak whenever I face smart people because I will end

up melting and helpless. That's one of reasons I love Jessica and why I keep in

touch with Tiffany. And now maybe Sunny too?

 

"Hahhaa.. Since I've only fallen in love once in my life, I guess you have right to

call me gay instead of bi." I scooped the last ice cream on my bowl and licked my

lips. I felt Sunny's eyes on me when I was licking my own lips. Errr.. It's kind of

scary yet made me excited somehow. Argh Kim Taeyeon! Back earth, please!

 

"That's great then! I'm happy that you're a gay, babe." Sunny again reached out her

hand to pat my head. She then lowered her hand and caressed my cheek and yes, it

sent another goosebumps feeling to me.

 

"Eh? Why should you be happy about it?" I wiped my lips and chin with a napkin

to prevent her from touching me again. It wasn't because I didn't want to but

because as Tiffany said, I'm easily flattered and I don't want to be cocky. What if

Sunny only treats me as friend, and that the gestures she showed were nothing but

usual for her. Like a habit perhaps?

 

"It means that there's a possibility that you'll like me as more than a friend, right

baby boo??" Sunny smiled oh so beautifully. And yes I admit, I felt like flying

when I heard those words coming from her mouth.

 

"Wait! Before that, I need to ask you something." I halted the butterflies inside my

heart from flying. I don't want to be given another false hope and having to

experience heart ache for the second time. Once is more than enough for me.

 

"Shoot." Sunny gave me another sweet smile.

 

"Why do you keep calling me sweet names?" I asked and she only beamed a smile

and nodded, giving me chance to continue my question.

 

"Err.. You do realize that you call me that right? Such as baby, darling, sweetheart,

my dear." I dared myself and asked her directly. I needed to know her reason so I

won't put too much hope on her.

 

"Yes. Why? You don't like it? I can stop if you want in spite that I love calling you

those." Sunny pouted again, blowing some air into her mouth that her cheeks

bulged out.

 

"No no. That's not what I meant. Err.. It just sounds uhm,, special I think?" I raised

my two eyebrows, giving her curious looks.

 

"Well you are special for me, Taeyeon! You are my favorite writer and that's not

the end of that. You are also an awesome person in real life. You're nice, humble,

smart, genuine, and talented." Sunny stated boldly, made me blushed so hard.

Aish! Why these cheeks can't compromise with me?? It's so embarrassing T.T

 

"Thanks' for the compliment. You yourself are a beautiful person, inside and out."

I reluctantly complimented her. I'm sure my crimson red cheeks are obvious for her

again. Sigh. I and my shy attitude doesn't really help me.

 

"Why am I sounding like I'm flirting with you by now? Hahaha.. I'm sorry if I

make you afraid, unnie." I saw her giggling instead of frowning which made me

wonder why.

 

"Well you can do that." She covered her laugh with the back of her hand.

 

"Pardon?" I asked again. I didn't catch what her meant by that.

 

"You can flirt with me. I just gave you permission to do that." She continued

casually. She has relaxed expression while I'm sure that mine is far from that.

 

"E-eehh??" I gasped and my eyes popped opened. We've been known each other

for how long again?  A week? Two weeks? But she is brave enough to permit me

to.. Err court her?

 

"Hahaha.. You're so funny, baby. But it's okay if you don't want to. I'm prefectly

fine with that. I mean, you just experienced a broken hearted feeling, right? I can

understand if you're not ready to-"

 

"I accept!" I didn't even rethink when I exclaimed that words. What did I say

again?

 

"Excuse me?" She stopped talking and asked for my confirmation.

 

I didn't know what to do actually. Deep inside I know I still have feelings for

Jessica, random feelings for Tiffany and humm I don't know how I feel about

Sunny but as far as I remember, Tiffany did say that there would be a woman who

could divert my attention from Jessica. Based on my not so sharp intuition, the

woman should be Sunny right? So in order to reduce the pain inside my heart, I

should give my heart another chance, right? So it can resurrect and come back to

life. Who knows Sunny is actually my soul mate and not Jessica? I won't know if I

don't try, right? Right. Good thinking, Taeyeon. It's not everyday you can think as

clear and as fast as now. Hahaha.. I feel smart.

 

"I mean, sure. I can be more than your writer if you want. Uhm, sigh. I'm not really

good with words. Sorry." I exhaled in disappointment.

 

"No, you're not. Based on your writing which I loyally follow, I know you're good

with words. So please continue it, baby." Sunny propped her chin over her palm

and looked at me in the eyes, escalating my nervousness to max.

 

"Uhmm.. Okay let's try this then." She giggled when I inhaled and exhaled deeply,

trying to prepare myself with some sweet words for her.

 

"I'm sure you've known that I just experienced one of worst moments in my life

which is having my love unrequited. By now my heart is healing and quite fragile

but then again it will be unfair if I don't give it another chance to err.. Love or

something like that. So will you take this wounded heart with you? Who knows

you can amend it and make it whole again, right? Aish! I'm really bad at this.

Sorry." I scratched my not so itchy neck to reduce my nervousness. My legs are

trembling under the table and I wish Sunny won't notice it.

 

"Cute! And I even thought there's earthquake for a while. It turns out that it's your

wobbly legs under the table. Hahaha.. You're really irresistible you know that."

Sunny took my right hand and held it. I'm bad in reading signal. Does it mean she

accept me? Or it's just that she feels bad so she decided to hold my hand to make

me feel better somehow?

 

"Err.. Thank you? So?" I used my left hand to hold my thighs in hope my legs can

stop shaking. Sigh, this is so embarassing!!!

 

"Let's go and pay the bill at cashier." Sunny got up from her seat and took me by

the hand. She went to the cashier and pulled out one of her cards to pay it.

 

I'm still confused with this woman. She didn't actually response to my question.

Does it mean that she just did like Jessica did to me? Another rejection I see. Well

at least, she didn't leave me like Jessica. She's quite nice not to reject me directly

on my face. Finished paying, she gestured me to follow her back to her car. I kept

quiet, feeling sad and disappointed. It's not her fault though. It's just me who was

being too bold and rush her to be more than she wants me to be for her. I should

have hold back myself better. But I guess it's too late already.

 

"What's with the long sigh and sad face, baby?" Sunny asked me while fastening

her seatbelt.

 

"Nothing." I lied and turned my head sideways to look at the scene from the

window.

 

"You're such a big liar." I heard her talking to me. I kept my gaze outside the

window when I suddenly felt a hand grabbed my by the chin and turned my head

around. And once I realized, I already felt another lips attached to mine. It was

only for some seconds and it was not more than a peck but still. It was my first kiss

and Sunny just took it from me.

 

"Now, I guess it's enough to answer your question, right?" Sunny removed her lips

from mine and started the engine while I'm still on my own imagination. She

kissed me. She just kissed me on the lips. She took my lips virginity away. I keep

holding on to my not-so-virgin-anymore lips.

 

"Why? You don't like my kiss? Should I retry it? I assure you I'll do it better this

time though." Sunny changed the gear and teased me.

 

"No. Your kiss is good enough. Hehehe.. Thanks'. And errr.." I fiddled my fingers

with each other, contemplating whether I should ask this question or not.

 

"What's the matter, babe? Spill it." Sunny is awared of my restless gesture. She

threw a quick glance at me and continued driving.

 

"Ehmm.. Can I,, can I call you sweet names too?" I hesitantly asked her.

 

"Hahaha.. Of course you can, baby. Why you look so nervous if that's the only

question you had there? Don't tell me that this is your first experience? Because I

won't believe that." She made a U turn and headed to unknown direction.

 

"Well-"

 

"It is? Oh my God! I can't believe it! I mean your writings seem so real, it's like

you made it based on your own experiece! I guess you really are the best writer

alive and it's an honor to have opportunity to meet you in real life. I'm sure most of

your readers will be jealous if they knew I just kissed her favorite writer." She

winked at me from the rearview. And omo! Her words and bluntness made me

flattered and blushed in happiness.

 

"Yah! Don't laugh at me. I know that I'm lack of experience but it doesn't mean I

can't be a bad partner/lover, right? And anyway, where are we heading to? I'm sure

it's not the way to our office, baby." I feel so shy calling her that. But I dant lie that

I feel giddy and humm,, excited? Knowing that now I have someone to be called

baby, my baby. Love will grow itself, right? It only needs time as fertilizer. I

smiled on my own thoughts.

 

"Secret. Surely we're not going back to office. And did you just call me your baby?

Aww.. Now you're brave enough to do that? It sounds good though." Sunny teased

me again.

 

"Oh? Where are we going then? But humm.. Just take me to wherever you want. I

think I'll be okay as long as I'm with you, babe." I unconsciously cringed and

curled my fingers hearing myself saying those eeywwhh words. I have faith

Tiffany would smack me with endless slaps if I told her similar words to her.

Tiffany again? Oh come on, Taeyeon! You're with Sunny now, not Tiffany.

 

"Cheesy, aren't you? Hahaha.. You're really good with words, Taeyeon. I'm

flattered and I like it. And for your information, I like being pampered and

spoiled." Sunny told me.

 

"I can do that for you! Humm.. I mean if you want me to." I silently slapped my

own forehead for being too frontal. Sigh, you're so embarassing Kim Taeyeon.

 

"Please do that for me than." Sunny led her free hand and squeezed my hand a bit.

I in reflex looked at her and her lips welcomed me as soon as I turned my head.

She kissed me when the red light still on and we kept kissing until other vehicles

started to honk and yell at us.

 

"That's a better kiss I think." My honest statement made her laugh.

 

"Thanks' for being honest then. Now be a good passenger and who knows you'll be

rewarded with another kiss later." Sunny commented and I did as she asked me,

wishing she would really give me reward for being a great passenger inside her car.

 

Well maybe I could start a new chapter within my love life. Only, this time the

main actress would be different. There won't be Jessica anymore. Who knows

Sunny will play the role as my lover better right? Yep! I'm sure she can replace

Jessica not only physically but also mentally. I'll try to change the person inside

my heart from Jessica to Sunny. It is probably too soon but you can't really control

your feeling, can you? And I also can't lie that aside from love because obviously it

hasn't grown, I feel comfortable and happy around Sunny.

 

However even now I already have plan to replace Jessica with Sunny, Tiffany will

always hold a special place in my heart. A place which can never be occupied by

anyone else but her. She has penetrated my life in a special way and I'm not

planning to change that. Even we can never be lovers and be more than we are

now, her current existence is enough for me. Me being there for her and she being

there for me. Yep! That's enough. And now I can't wait to get home so I can share

her the news about me and Sunny.

 

"What are you thinking, baby?" Sunny's call made me off from my wandering

world.

 

"Uhmm.. Nothing. Just trying to be a good passenger so I can retrieve my reward

later." I grinned.

 

"You will get your reward soon in private later." Sunny gave me a different smile

this time.

 

"Eh?"

 

"Just wait and see. We'll get naughty and happy! Hahaha.." She smirked lewdly at

me, which made my hair on my spine stood up stiffly. Hiii.. I just got my first kiss

today. Don't say that I would get my first.... Aaaghh!! I won't even think about that.

 

"............" I gulped and tried to divert my wild imagination into something more

religious like, Jesus has a nice brown beard, his hair is wavy and nice, the bible is

thick, etc etc. I know I'm stupid but is there anything else I can do to make my not

so innocent thoughts not to think pervertedly? Sigh. I'm a hopeless writer, aren't I?

--------------------------

 

"That was fun and thanks' for the ride." The car pulled over in front of the office's

lobby.

 

"I had fun too thanks' to you. Maybe we should do this more often." Sunny said

and tried to fix my disarray hair.

 

"I'm not sure about that. My boss will surely fire me if I skip work often." I grinned

seeing her hands went down to button the first 2 buttons of my shirt.

 

"Then I'll take you into my department and make you my personal assistant. How

does that sound?" Sunny placed her last touch by organizing my fringe so it would

look good on me.

 

"Tempting." I smiled widely.

 

"So I guess this is goodbye for today, eh?" Sunny told me sadly when I was

unbuckling my seatbelt.

 

"Don't worry, we will still see each other tomorrow and the day after and the day

after that and the words go on and on." I grabbed my purse which was located on

the back seat.

 

"You really know how to make me feel better, don't you, baby?" Sunny chuckled.

 

"Yes I do." I nodded.

 

"Well, drive your bike safely. Avoid speeding and text me when you're home,

okay?" Sunny took my hand and interwined it with hers.

 

"Will do, babe." I detached her hand and guided the same hand to her cheek.

 

"Can I have my reward now?" I shyly asked, diverting my gaze to anywhere else

but her eyes.

 

"You don't have to ask, baby." She answered it and before I knew it, her lips

already glued against mine.

 

She held my neck while her other hand led mine to place it around her waist. She

tilted her head and deepened the kiss. I followed her lead at first until my brain told

me to do otherwise. I bit her lower lips and she moaned a bit. I shocked at my

bravery which could do that to Sunny. I slipped in my tongue into her mouth and

played it with hers. I licked and roamed my tongue along the roof of her mouth.

She held my neck tighter and pulled it closer. The kiss went on and on until the

fact that our lungs needed oxygen forced us to separate.

 

"Wow, you're a great kisser and just today I took your first kiss but now, you're

like one of the best kissers alive." Sunny teased me and I bit my lips in

embarassment.

 

"Thank you. Well, I'll get going now. I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked her.

 

"Yep! See you tomorrow." She pecked me for the last time and I got off from her

car. I waved at her until her car gone from my sight.

 

I smiled remembering today's event. I never thought I could recover this fast. Well,

not with different woman apparently. I thought it would be forever Jessica's name

which could emboss my heart but maybe my prediction about that was wrong.

Well, just now I let my first kiss taken by a woman whom I had known not longer

than err.. 2 weeks? Even that I've loved Jessica since forever and now I let my

hymen lips thrusted by Sunny?! Wait, err.. Does lips have hymen? Okay you're so

pervert, Kim Taeyeon!

 

I jogged with full of bliss to the motorbike park area and unlocked my baggage to

wear my leather jacket. I then wore my helmet rightly and started to ignite the

engine. I let the muffler to burst for a moment before I turned the gas handle and

drove away. I'd just as Sunny said, drive carefully. Hehehe.. I even still couldn't

stop grinning no matter how windy this night could be and no matter that fact

would make my teeth drie later.

 

"Good evening, Unnie! Or it's probably more proper to say goodnight." Jinwoon

greeted me as soon as I pressed the bell button.

 

"Oh hi! It's been sometime since I could meet you at home." I greeted back.

 

"Yeah. Because obviously tomorrow is holiday yeeayy!! And why are you so late,

Unnie? Where have you been? Even Mom and Dad have gone to sleep." His words

made me took a quick glimpse at tha wall clock and yeah, he's right. It's 25 minutes

to 11 pm now.

 

"I went out with my friend before and so yeah, I'm late. Why are you still up

anyway?" I took my shoes and placed it on the shoes rack.

 

"I'm watching TV. The show is pretty good and I'm not sleepy yet. So?" He

followed me to the kitchen.

 

"So?" I took an empty glass and opened the fridge to grab cold water and poured it

inside the glass.

 

"Don't pretend to be innocent, Kim Taeyeon Unnie. We're both adult and there

should be only one reason as of why you're late. So tell me, who is he?" He walked

slowly and stood in front of me, grinning in a teasing manner.

 

"There's no he, Jinwoon-ah." I honestly answered him but of course he would take

my sentence in the wrong way.

 

"Tsk! Liar!" He shook his head in disagreement.

 

"I'm not! It's up to you whether you want to believe it or not." I stucked out my

tongue at him.

 

"Then where were you, unnie? The least you can do to your lovely brother who

was willing to wait for his unnie to come home late is give me that information."

Jinwoon insisted and he wiggled his eyebrows playfully.

 

"I went out with my friend. Same building, different department and it's a she.

That's all I can tell you, okay brother? Now if you don't mind I need to have my

sleep. Goodnight, bro." I patted his shoulder and tip toed a little to land a kiss on

his cheek.

 

"You're not fun, unnie. I'll tell Daddy about this tomorrow morning." He frowned

cutely and yes I understood what he meant by that.

 

"Aigooo.. Here, take this and buy new clothes or games, or anything. I'll kill you if

Mom or Dad knows about this." I pulled out my wallet and took some money from

it. I gave it to him and he grinned almost immediately.

 

"Thanks' unnie! I love you." He pinched my cheeks and ran back to the living

room, maybe to continue watching the movie or something like that.

------------------------

 

I'm so tired today, not because of working of course but because of... Hehehe.. I'm

too shy to even say it out loud. She's the newcomer of my heart and I'll try my best

to keep her and make her happy. I've lost my chance with Jessica, well not exactly

since she didn't actually give me a chance but yeah.. I've lost her so this time I

hope I won't have to repeat the same bitter experience again.

 

Love will be too exaggerated to define what I'm feeling about Sunny so I think like

will be enough to describe my feelings for her now. I feel comfortable, fun, happy,

and loved whenever I'm with her. She understands me well in spite the short period

of time of me knowing her and vice versa. What I kind of dislike about her is that

the fact that she would be too busy sometime. Her work is crazy, insane that it

makes her have no time at all. She would work from the sun haven't showed up

until the moon almost replaced by the sun. Do you think that I'm exaggerating?

Well I hope I am because unfortunately I'm not.

 

The positive side which made me dazed is her smart brain. Her knowledge is

limitless! She knows the latest news about anything and everything, starting from

the newest football player who just moved to Juventus club, the eruption of Merapi

in November 2010, to the reason why Julius Caesar died caused of countless stabs

on his body. Yes, she's that knowledgeable and full of information. Her hobbies in

watching, sleeping, and singing also made me mazed. Her voice is good, too good

in fact. Okay now I'm starting to be talkative, can't stop myself from talking about

her.

 

I can't wait to tell the new love story of mine to her. Hehehe.. With full of regrets I

have to announce that Tiffany still wins the 1st place in term of understanding Kim

Taeyeon well. I sometimes don't even have to tell her the whole story and yet she

already understands the core of my problem and what's weird is that she never

takes time to give me useful suggestions in how to handle my obstacles in the most

practical and smart ways. I don't know whether she's that smart or that her sixth

sense is that sharp.

 

I let out a disappointment sigh when I know it's close to 12 am by now and Tiffany

should have fallen asleep by now. It's been 3 days since the last time I could talk

with her. She's so restless nowadays, rushing with her revision and tries to set her

schedule with the hectic schedule of her advisor. I feel bad for her for being so

busy and for me because her being busy means less time for me to chat with her. I

can only hope that's she won't fall sick and always manage to grab her food on

time. She told me she unwillingly had to skip lunch several times because she had

to have her reports printed when it's lunch time and after that she had to consult to

her advisor regarding her edited thesis before his advisor became unavailable

again.

 

Should I try my luck and message her as usual? But I don’t want to disturb her

should she turns out to be asleep already. Hmm, I’m contemplating about it while

drying my newly rinsed hair. I can’t hold back the feeling of longing and wanting

to share the news with her so I decided especially for tonight I will follow my

egoist side and try to message her. I hang up the towel and brushed my hair before

heading to my hot seat. I rested my-oh-so-sexy butt on the smooth surface of my

single couch and started up my laptop. I tapped my fingers on the table while

waiting until the desktop background popped out. My laptop luckily detected the

Wi-Fi signal so I could connect much faster. I said my prayer while my laptop was

on loading mode and subconsciously I pumped up my fist on the air when I saw

her online. Yeaayy!!

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Tippaannii!!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “There’s no one named Tippaannii in here. Maybe you got the

wrong chat room, Mam.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yah!! You’re so meanie~~ And I haven’t even managed to talk

about anything with you!! Okay okay.. Is this Tiffany Hwang then?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Yep! This is Tiffany Hwang typing. How can I help you?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sigh… Can’t we just talk normally?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Who is this again?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fany-ah~~ Fine. This is Kim Taeyeon typing. Now, can we talk?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Oh yes, Kim Taeyeon the author of Enraged Lust, right? I’m sorry

but Tiffany Hwang is sleeping and doesn’t want to be disturbed by you.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Huwaaa~~~ You’re meanie!!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Sigh. How many times should I tell you? This is Tiffany Hwang,

not Meanie or Tippaannii.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “-_________-“

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahahaha.. Okay okay!! Hi Author!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Finally I can talk to you normally. You’re not sleeping? But I

thought it’s late already.”

 

Scarlethwang: “How can I sleep when you messaged me when I was just about to

log out and close my eyes? =.=”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Oh I’m sorry for interrupting you then. You may go back to sleep,

Fany. We can talk some other time.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Stop pretending to be sincere when your brain is telling you

otherwise, author. I’m not sleepy any longer anyway. So, what’s up? Is this about

that new girl? Wait, what’s her name again? Uhmm.. Sunny?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yes it’s Sunny.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I assume there’s huge progress with your relationship with her,

right? What did she do this time?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “She kissed me today!! >.<”

 

Scarlethwang: “Errr.. So have you got her address I asked you the last time? If yes,

can I have it?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yah! What do you want to send her this time?! You’re so

suspicious you know.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Aside from the funeral flowers, this time I want to add mouthwash,

the menthol one it is. I’m afraid the germ inside your eeyywwhhh mouth has

moved into hers so yeah, I’ll make sure I will send her at least a liter of menthol

mouthwash for her. Tell her to use it 3 times a day and continually use that for at

least a week so the germ will be dead. And to avoid more severe injury such as

thrush, please don’t repeat the same mistake as kissing Kim Taeyeon again.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAAAHHH!! Okay I regret telling you this and yes you can sleep

now. Goodnight Scarlethwang or Tiffany or whoever you are.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Kekekeke.. I was just kidding, author~~ This must be your first

kiss, right? Since you are so excited and all.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah whatever~~ And yes!! It was my first kiss!! Hehehe,, I’m so

happy, Tiffany~~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Wait! How old are you again?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Errr.. 23 years old. Why?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahaha!! Your lips must be shrunken for not ever being

touched for the past 23 years old of your life! Oh my God, author!! This is

hilarious!! And I can’t believe I love those stories of yours when in fact you never

had that kind of experience at all!! Not even kissing author?? Until today??

Huwahahhaha!!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “When was your first kiss?”

 

Scarlethwang: “When I was much younger than yours of course. Hahahhaha!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “-______-“

 

Scarlethwang: “Okay okay, I’ll stop now~~ Hahahaha.. Oh My, I even am tearing

up because of you. So, tell me~~ How did she suddenly kiss you? Are you sure

she’s not in drunk state when she did that? LOL”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’ll ignore your teasing for now and skip to the question instead. I

firstly asked her about the sweet names she keeps using to call me, like babe,

sweetheart, and such. She thought I didn’t like it and I denied her accusations. I

told her that names should only be used for special person and she practically told

me that I was special for her.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “She then praised me, telling me that I’m humble, smart, and

talented. I pay back her compliment by saying that she’s a beautiful person too,

inside and out. I said that I was like flirting with her by giving her such

compliment and she answered that I could do that. She just gave me permission to

court her. I braced myself further by asking her whether I could call her like that

too or not and again she said I could.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Finally I started calling her babe etc too since this day onwards.

We went out for lunch together outside the company building and after that she

invited me to an arcade. We played and had dinner together before she drove me

back to the office. It was fun though ^^”

 

Scarlethwang: “Humm.. I don’t know about this author. Can we get serious now? I

mean I won’t slip any joke or such while we’re talking about this matter.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhm.. Sure. Why you sound so serious though? It’s scaring me~~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t worry I’ll still entertain you with my awesome jokes once

we’ve done talking about this.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t you think it’s too fast to fall with another person, author? I

mean are you sure that you’ve successfully vanished Jessica from you heart

completely? That you can’t even find any pieces of her inside your heart?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Well honestly, I don’t know about that either, Fany-ah. Just like

I’ve told you. I caught Jessica kissing Donghae in the lobby. She even looked at

me after she finished kissing that jerk but up until now she didn’t mention anything

to me. If she at least could still treat me as her best friend then, shouldn’t she

spread the good news about her official relationship with me too??”

 

Scarlethwang: “And I thought I’ve also told you that you should stop stalking her,

right? That’s the punishment you got caused of your careless and immature act.

You should also stop hoping in anything and everything about her, author. I mean,

I’m sure you’ve known it yourself that you’ve practically cut any relationship bond

with her the day you confessed your feeling to her, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yeah, I guess you are right about that. I have no right to demand

her to still be my best friend in spite of the things I’ve done to her. I thought that at

least I would still be able to see her even as a mere stalker, not company

acquaintance nor best friend but yeah, you’re right again. I deserved that painful

sight.”

 

Scarlethwang: “How much money do you have in your bank account now?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What’s with the random question? Well, I think it’s enough to buy

myself a new Ducati bike or cute city car. Why?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Because I’m sure you’ve spent quite a lot amount of money to

upgrade your brain and practically increase your IQ grade, author!! You’re 2

percent smarter than the last time I chatted with you!! Hehehe..”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And I thought you wanted to talk seriously -.-“

 

Scarlethwang: “Kekeke.. Sorry, author. You’re just too tempting to be bullied.

Okay, back to the story. So you thought that you could move on by having quite

intimate relationship with this Sunny girl?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I don’t really know, but it never wrongs to try, right? Who knows I

can end up falling in love with her.”

 

Scarlethwang: “You’re right at one point but unfortunately, you forget another

point which is also the most important one.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And that would be?”

 

Scarlethwang: “This isn’t only the story about you, author. It includes another

person too to complete your love story and in this matter you presume the girl or

the one would be Sunny, right? But what if.. Remember, I only say what if which

means it can or it can’t happen in the future. What if you end up having another

unrequited love again, huh? But only this time with a different person.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Should I remind you again that she kissed me today? We even

kissed passionately, Fany-ah. I’m sure she wouldn’t do that if she didn’t have

feelings for me. It would be too far if I said it was love so maybe it’s still halted at

like. At the very least, she found me attracted to her, right? Either physically or

maybe because I’m her favorite author or my personality is good for her.”

 

Scarlethwang: “That’s what I’m afraid of, author. What if she just felt curious of

you? You know since you’re her favorite author and all. Once she knew you inside

out, she would be boring and left you coldly. It’s possible, isn’t it?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I don’t think so, Fany-ah. She couldn’t be that bad, right? I mean

so far, she’s always the one who messaged me and approached me first. She would

stand in front of the elevator waiting for me and she would be in the lobby to greet

me goodbye and such. So there’s no way she’s an evil woman, right?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I don’t know. I really have a bad feelings about this, author. I just

don’t want something bad happened to you. Are you sure she can like/love you?

Are you sure she’s a good woman you’ve just told me about?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’m sure she’s a nice and caring woman not to mention smart and

tough woman also. But about those questions… Humm,, I don’t have answers to

that, at least not now. Am I not that attractive until she will never be able to like

me?”

 

Scarlethwang: “If you ask me then I will undoubtedly say yes!! You are short with

slow processor and huge nostrils which are as big as your hole down below. You

also have too stretched lips which make Joker feel incontestably. You don’t have

any experience in love field too. So yes, you are that uninterested for me.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAAAHH!! I’ll tell you to my Mom and Dad that you just mocked

their creation. My physic is inherited from their mixed genes you know >.<”

 

Scarlethwang: “Awww~~ Momma’s big baby, aren’t you?? Hahaha.. But I don’t

think you should ask them about that, like really.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And why is that?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Because I don’t think you can handle the shock you’ll receive

when they tell you that they found you being helpless inside the rubbish bin with

unread letters attached on your basket. Hahahha~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Did you just tell me that I am not their biological daughter and that

she found me randomly mixed with other trash inside the bin?! YAAAHH!!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahahaha!!!! *Tossing and turning on the floor caused of

laughing too hard”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAAAHH!! I’ll block you from my account right this moment!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “WAAIITT!! I’m so sorry, author. I’m bad in handling myself,

especially when it related with you, the person who’s easiest to be bullied the

most.. I promise we’ll talk seriously now~~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Prove it then!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Let’s continue being serious then.. Stop joking for a moment will

you, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And who started the joke again? =.=”

 

Scarlethwang: “Right. What I meant is that, should your prediction and opinion

about her turns out to be wrong, what will you do then? If she’s not as kind as

you’ve described and she doesn’t like you the way you want her to be, what action

will you do? Can your heart handle heartbreak? Will your heart strong enough to

withstand it?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Shouldn’t you support me instead of giving me bad thoughts which

could make me traumatized with thing called love?”

 

Scarlethwang: “I just want to give you brief display should the worst possibility

happen, author. I care about you so much and I’m sure you know about that also.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I know, Fany-ah. But I at least expect you to encourage me instead

of discourage me like now~ Don’t you think what bad impact you may bring to her

if your discouragement words affect me somehow? That I will be unable to give

her my feelings as much as she may give me in the near future.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I don’t care what will be happen about her. I don’t even care if she

gives you much more than you can ever give her. I only care about you, author. I

don’t like the fact that she mess up with your heart and feelings. You know what I

mean, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “No, I don’t! You really are ridiculous, Tiffany! She didn’t mess up

with my heart, she doesn’t and I’m sure she will never do those unsavory things

you mentioned earlier!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Listen to me first, author. I’m just worried that you will experience

another horrible thing again in love field. Trust me! I will never advise you to do

something that will harm you later. I really have bad feelings about this Sunny girl

and I don’t like that feeling.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Then stop using your sixth sense or whatever you may name it!

Can’t you at least give me advice not based on your feelings and premonition,

Fany?! Because I hate it!! I hate the fact you defy God and tell me or give me clues

about things that I shouldn’t know at all!! Not until at least the time for it to happen

for real come! And how come I know whether your suggestion will lead me to the

bright path or vice versa, desert me and make my destiny worse than it should ever

be, huh?!”

 

Scarlethwang: “I can’t believe you just judged me that suggestion would mislead

you! That’s it, author! Do what you want from now on!! And don’t ever, I mean

don’t ever think to crawl back to me if what I’ve said proved to be true later!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Ooh, don’t be too arrogant, Tiffany Hwang!! Because I will never

do that! I will even erase your number to assure you that I can never contact you

again no matter what may happen to me in the future!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Good! Because I won’t be there for you any longer! I really am

disappointed in you, author! Goodbye! And I hope I will never have to see you

again!!”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I’ll grant your request immediately!! Besides, didn’t you say that

you don’t want to meet me? Then you should be happy because I will never ask

you to meet up again! Starting from now on, we are nothing but writer and reader!

You got that? Good! Because I don’t want to read your reply after this! Bye!!”

 

I hurriedly logged out once I typed those harsh words to her. I pressed the power

button on my laptop, didn’t bother to shut it down properly due to my

uncontrollable anger toward this girl! I can’t believe I just cut my bond with

Tiffany Hwang, my most favorite reader. I got up from my seat and turned off all

the lamps inside my bedroom. I feel annoyed and angry, but mostly dejected. It

wasn’t my fault if I acted like that toward her, right? She’s so annoying and noisy,

not to mention exaggeratingly sucks! I mean, it can be understood if I treated her

like that, can’t it? Can’t she for once support me instead of continually

discouraging me with bad premonition about me?!

 

Is my luck that bad? That bad that there will be no good fortune coming especially

in love fields? I always believe God is fair to each and every innocent lamb of His

and up until now my belief hasn’t changed a bit. But if it turns out that her

prediction is true then maybe I should change my thought about my own God. I

mean, once failure in love story is more than enough right? Because twice in a row

would be too much for me.

 

Should I feel bad for Tiffany? Of course not! But I just ditched her from my life for

a person name Sunny whom I haven’t known for that long. But then again, is

Tiffany even a real person in life? Knowing that I never once had opportunity to

meet her and the fact she kept saying no whenever I asked her to meet up. She

always used the same reason which was if destiny wanted us to meet then we

would meet but if not then I shouldn’t fight it and sincerely accepted my destiny

not to meet her. That’s unbelievable, right?! Right. And she kept mentioning that I

was her favorite author. How can I believe that when she didn’t even want to meet

me?!

 

After some enforcement she could finally change her mind and set our meeting in

SNSD concert but then again, the concert unluckily has to be postponed and it

would also mean that I couldn’t meet her as soon as I’ve expected. Will I even

meet her someday?? Agh!! The hell with that! It’s obvious I just said to her that I

wouldn’t ask her to meet again and I will never back out on my own words! Never!

I’ll prove her that Sunny isn’t that kind of girl, that she isn’t a player or whatever

Tiffany has predicted about her. I will also attest that I can make Sunny fall for me.

I’m not that ugly; heck some even say I’m beautiful. Just wait and see, Tiffany! I’ll

demonstrate to you that not everything you said will come true!!

 

There are two possibilities regarding this matter; whether what Tiffany had told me

about Sunny is right or that Tiffany just told me lies to make me avoid Sunny and

forever be a loner. Humm,, now that I think again, is there any reason why Tiffany

didn’t want me to be with Sunny? There’s no way Tiffany swings my way so yeah

let’s eliminate that possibility. I can just hope my decision to practically separate

Tiffany from my life isn’t a wrong one. Sunny-ah, are you a good girl? Or are you

not a good girl?

 

I’m fully realized that I will have difficulty to sleep tonight. How can I sleep if I

still have many things inside my mind? Can I continue my life without Tiffany? I

can, can’t I? I just have to divert it to Sunny instead. Besides, we have passed the

writer-reader or best friend stage. Which best friends kissed each other, right? Yes!

I can do this!! I can live without Tiffany Hwang! Hwaiting Kim Taeyeon! I keep

spelling encouraging words using my mouth while my heart keeps denying

whatever words I spilled. Have my eyes darkened by my lust to love again that I

did the most horrible things to Tiffany just now? But~~ I keep letting out a sigh.

This is going to be a very long night to pass.

---------------------------------------

 

My Destiny

The following days after that rough night were okay. My relationship with Sunny

got better each day. We've leveled up our meetings from lunch only to lunch and

dinner. And you know what? She's so damn rich! I guess having that position in

her department really gives her many benefits. She has splendid salary which is

about two to three times more than my salary. I'm sure I've told you that she's so

independent and hard worker, right? She bought her car with her own salary and by

now she has bought herself a new apartment located near our office building. Well

at least her hard work paid off nicely.

 

How about Jessica? Errmm.. I know it may sound unbelievable but I don't pay

attention to her any longer since the night Sunny took my lips-virginity away and

the night since I literally ditched Tiffany off of my life. Sigh.. It's been 2 weeks and

my longing for her keeps increasing. At first it was so hard to adapt with the bitter

situation that Tiffany and I are no longer in good term. My fingers were and still

are so itchy to type her messages or random words, saying how I miss her and that

I apology for my rude words. My mind always fails to get rid of her. It seems that

my brain automatically can only think about her and her only. Unfortunately, my

pride won't let me approach her nor do anything related to her.

 

The only ways not to think about her is by reverting my concentration to Sunny or

my job. That's one of the reasons why I've leveled up my relationship with Sunny.

She's of course more than happy to know that she can spend more time with me.

And I just knew recently that she's actually a pervert too like me. Every time we

kiss, she would have difficulties to keep her hands off of me. Her hands would

immediately slip inside my shirt and roam my flat abs whenever the kissing

proccess was getting intense. It's not that I don't like it, it's just. I think it's too fast

but I really try hard to adjust with her. Aside from that, I think we're okay, or are

we?

 

Learning to love or to change my love from Jessica to Sunny isn't as hard as I first

thought. I mean, love can appear by itself and I guess it can disappear by itself too,

no? How can I retain my endless love for Jessica when she doesn't even want to

meet me anymore? Her hatred to me is too much and it makes me always wonder,

what's wrong with me actually? Aside from my unrequited love for her, I think I'm

good enough as a friend. I can listen to her stories attentively, give her useful

advices, treat her nicely, pay her attention more than she can even imagine, defend

her when she's insulted by other employees, and such.

 

The more she ignores me, the more I realize how low my value is in her eyes. She

treats me like I'm never there, like I don't even exist in this world. What is the

biggest sin I've ever committed until she has heart to punish me like this? Slowly

but sure, my eyes are opened and my wound is healed. If she can be like this

toward me, then why can't I? Enough with me being desperate of her attention, say

goodbye to the days I'm praying to God to make her forgive me, and let's pretend

that I never confessed my love to her. Obviously she treats me like a trash which

she would dump once she found me useless. I know she's selfish but I never

thought she could be this selfish.

 

So here I am preparing myself to go to office like any other day. The birds are

chirping and the sky is bright. It makes my mood better and I really feel energized

to go to work. I opened my picture application and stared at Tiffany's photograph

which I successfully captured some weeks ago. That's me who always manage to

spend a minute or two to talk to Tiffany's photograph. You may call me stupid but

for me it's called uhm.. A phase. A phase where I'm trying to let go but still unable

to.

 

I caressed her picture on my phone while enchanting some words full of regrets

and apologies. I really want to talk to her but I still remembered my own saying

that I would erase her contact number and that I've made a stupid vow not to

contact her anymore no matter what might happen. I feel like I want to slam my

head on the wall whenever I remember that. How could I say such a thing to

Tiffany? Well, regretting won't change a thing anyway. It's not like she will use her

sixth sense to watch after me and acknowledge my regret toward her, right?

 

Sometimes I think that I have double personality, especially when it comes to

Tiffany Hwang. At times like this, I would succumb in my own grief, remembering

the good times I've passed with her; knowing that we indirectly had exchanged

promises to always be there for each other even not physically. She never failed to

cheer me up using her not so common ways, like as what you've seen; she would

tease instead of calm me down, she would insult instead of appraise me for what

I've achieved, she would mock instead of entertain me, but all of them combined

made my mood better. She's my mood booster and now she's gone and out of my

life.

 

Another time, when my sanity leaves and it left me with my insanity only, I would

be angry to Tiffany, particularly when I was in my gloomy mode. I would blame

her for everything bad which had happened to me when I knew it wasn't even her

fault at the first place. I always thought, if only she was here to tell me what bad

fortune would happen then maybe I wouldn't have to experience the bad things.

Ridiculous, right? Maybe that's how much I missed her that I subconsciously

became crazy and being lunatic for something illogical.

 

I went out of my musing and got up from my bed. I brushed my hair and checked

on my appearance for the last time before I went out from my bedroom. I

descended the stairs and headed to the dining room.

 

"Morning, Noona!!" My younger brother greeted me.

 

"Morning, Jinwoon. Why so early in the morning?" I ruffled his hair and sat on my

usual chair.

 

"Where are the others??" I asked him who's busy munching his bread. He looks

like a 5 year old boy instead of a college student.

 

"Uhm.. Firstly, I have a class in the morning and secondly, mom is going to get

grocery with dad." Jinwon answered. He wiped out the stain on his face and gulped

his milk in one go.

 

"Slow down a bit, kiddo. You'll be choked." I chuckled and started to apply the

jam on my bread.

 

"Ah! Noona, can I come with you to the nearest bus station? I don't want to be late

on my first day.." Jinwon held back his burp and smiled so sweetly afterward. He

has the same dimple as me which will be revealed everytime he smiles.

 

"Sure. What time will your class begin?" I parted the bread into two parts and

slowly ate it.

 

"At 8 am. It's still 6 am by now. Do you think I can make it in less than 2 hours?"

Jinwoon innocently asked. Ooh he's so cute and I'm proud to be his older sister.

 

"Of course. I'll just finish this in a moment. Anyway, have you thought about our

parent's offer?" I asked while reading the new magazine which was just arrived the

day before while my other hand held the bread.

 

"Ah, the car? I don't know, Noona. I don't want to trouble our parents. I mean if I

still can take public transportation then I don't think buying me a new car will be

necessary. What do you think?" Jinwon waited for me to answer.

 

"According to me, I think you should reconsider your decision. Mom and Dad

would never offer you such a luxury thing if they haven't planned it well before,

right? Besides, it will come in handy too." I closed the magazine and advised my

brother.

 

"You're right, but I don't think it will be fair to you." Jinwoon paused.

 

"And why is that?" I furrowed my eyebrows in anticipation.

 

"You are a girl, Noona yet you use a motorbike while me; I'm a healthy guy yet I

will use car. Don't you think it's kind of unfair? Ah I know! What if I use your

motorbike and you will use the car Mom and Dad will buy? Sounds like a plan,

no?" Jinwoon grinned. He really looks like Dad when he smiles like now.

 

"Uhm.. No? Hahaha.. Let's talk about this later, shall we? You don't want to be

late, right? Then you better start preparing your bag and books while I'm cleaning

this up." I gestured him to hurry and started to gather the dirty dishes into the sink.

 

"Ah yes! Okay, Noona. Wait for me! I'll be back in 5 minutes." He abruptly stood

up and I nodded at him as my answer.

----------------------------

 

"Jinwoon-ah, hurry up!" I yelled at my brother while trying to put on my shoes.

 

I prefer using heels actually thanks' to my height but I always wear my sneakers on

my way to the office because it's difficult to wear heels while riding motorbike. My

balance will be disturbed and I will just end up being unstable and the worst, I can

always fall down from my bike like what had happened a year ago. And no, I don't

even want to remember that event. So yeah back to the story. I was trying to

tighten up my shoestring when the door's bell rang.

 

*DING DONG*

 

"Wait for a moment." I spoke loudly to whoever it is behind the door. I got up and

unlocked my door to see who could be the guest at this hour.

 

"Hi, babe!" If you follow this story carefully then you'd know the only person

who's capable to call me like that.

 

"What are you doing here?" I quickly pushed her to the front of the door and closed

the door behind so we practically are outside of the house.

 

"I miss you. Can't I visit you?" Sunny pouted and in reflex, she entangled her arms

around my neck.

 

"It's not that, babe. But what if my family see you, see us? You know very well

that they don't know about us yet." I reasoned out and gently unwrapped her arms

from my neck.

 

"Oops! I forgot! Hehhee.. Mian. So I guess I should call you Taeyeon when I'm in

front of your family, eh?" Sunny led her hand to pinch my cheek playfully.

 

"Please do and I will call you Unnie. I'm sorry but I haven't got enough courage to

tell my family just yet." I let her play with me a little more, knowing Jinwoon will

usually take a long time to dress himself.

 

"That's okay. But at least I can get my morning kiss, right?" Sunny said and jutted

her lips forward. I chuckled and was unable to resist so I moved my lips too and

kissed her plump lips. The kiss lingered for few seconds before I decided to pull

away, feeling nervous if Jinwoon went out all of sudden.

 

"So, why are you here? You don't only want to get your morning kiss, do you?" I

raised one of my eyebrows and she smiled.

 

"Aww.. Smart hubby. Oops, I mean Taeyeon. I want to pick you up so you don't

have to trouble yourself by driving your motorbike anymore." Sunny said.

 

"And why is that? I'm fine using my motorbike, Unnie. Besides, I have my bike

serviced regularly and it isn't too old also." I argued.

 

"I know, babe. I don't mean to offend you but remember the last time you forgot to

bring your raincoat on your way to office? It was terrible. You got soaked,

drenched and ended up being sick for 2 days. The worst part of that is the fact that

I couldn't meet you for 2 days." Sunny was being exaggerated but it made me kind

of happy.

 

"Oh come on. It was days ago and I'm healthy by now. I also have brought the

raincoat inside my baggage. Nothing to worry. And just Taeyeon, please." I

reminded her again.

 

"I won't take no as an answer. I want to have you completely today! Besides, do

you have heart to ditch me when I have come all the way here?" Sunny asked me

cutely.

 

"Sigh.. Why do you have to be so cute, Unnie? And knowing that you're 29

already. Tsk!" I shook my head.

 

"Noona!! I'm ready to go!!" I heard my brother yelling and soon after he came.

 

"Eh? Who's this?" Jinwoon turned his head to ask me.

 

"Oh yes.. Jinwoon-ah, this is Sunny, my friend from work and Sunny this is

Jinwoon my dongsaeng." I introduced them to each other.

 

"Sorry for being impolite before. My name is Jinwoon. Nice to meet you, Noona."

My brother politely bowed.

 

"Oh my, such a cutie. Hello Jinwoon-ah, I'm Sunny and nice to meet you too!"

Sunny pinched Jinwoon's cheek just like what she did to me moments ago.

 

"Okay, enough with the introduction. I'm sorry, Unnie but I have to take my

brother to nearby bus station so maybe next time I'll come with you." I slipped a

hint of jealousy in hope Sunny could notice it.

 

"Oh well, both of you can come with me. We can drop your brother first at his

campus and go directly to office. How about that?" Sunny proposed another idea.

She looked at me and mouthed sorry word. It seemed that she knew that I'm

jealous.

 

"Uhm.. It's up to Taeyeon Noona.." Jinwoon stared at me with full of hope and

yeah I knew what h he wanted by that.

 

"Okay okay. I gave up. I'll let you drive me today, Unnie. Let's go." I let out a sigh

and locked my house and gate. Then I followed Sunny to her car. I'm sitting beside

Sunny while Jinwoon is sitting behind us.

---------------------------------

 

"I'll see you at lunch, babe." Sunny had done parking her car and by now she was

busy unbuckling her seatbelt.

 

"Yeah, sure. We'll meet at the lobby as usual, right?" I took my purse from the

backseat and waited for her.

 

"Yep! Now can I have an injection of energy to work?" Sunny blinked her eyes

repetitively in a teasing manner.

 

"Why not?" I giggled and leaned in. I captured her lips and almost immediately she

reacted to my kiss. She bit my lower lips and quickly shoved in her tongue once I

parted my lips. We kissed quite intensely for some minutes until we're out of

breath. She leaned back with a plop sound when she released my lips.

 

"Have a nice day okay? Don't stress out yourself." I told her and touched her sharp

yet small nose.

 

"It goes the same with you. Text me when you're bored." She replied with a smile.

 

We went out of her car and walked to the company building. We deliberately didn't

walk hand in hand to avoid any suspiciousness coming from other employees. We

bid our goodbye and I let her entered the first elevator that came. I wait a little

longer for the next elevator to arrive. I was alone until I feel another presence

coming from the person beside me. The perfume which I know very well makes

me want to turn my head around. I did what my heart told me too and I

immediately regret it.

 

Yes it is no one but her, Jessica. The fact that we are alone makes me feel more

uhm.. How can I say it,, err.. Nervous? Yeah, I'm nervous as hell. Should I greet

her? Or should I pretend that I don't see her? But it will be too cruel, no? I braced

myself and decided to greet her. What's the worst thing can happen anyway, right?

 

"Morning, Jessi." I smiled genuinely at her.

 

".............." She didn't greet me back. Way to go, Taeyeon. What do you expect

anyway, she says good morning to you too? Tsk!

 

"You may go first." The elevator's door slide open and I allowed her by stepping

aside. She didn't even take a glance at me when she entered the elevator.

 

"Jessica, I think we need to talk." I composed myself and dared to see her when I

said those words. Fortunately there's no one inside the elevator so I can be freely

talk to her.

 

"There's nothing to talk about." She replied. Did I hear it rightly? It feels like years

since the last time she talked to me. Exaggerating? Nope. It's an honest answer.

 

"Oh yes there is. Trust me there's more than just one thing that I want to say to

you." I exhaled and waited.

 

"But I don't have anything to say to you. If possible, I would appreciate it if you

stop talking to me, stop stalking me and stop doing anything that involves me. We

are nothing but strangers now." With that the elevator dinged and she hurriedly left

me in dazed.

 

Those hurtful words still echo inside my ears. I can still remember it, each and

every word clearly. She finally stated and did the thing that I fear the most. She cut

any possible relationship between us and she wanted us to be nothing, absolutely

nothing, not even as company colleagues. I woke up from my nightmare and made

myself out from the elevator to my cubicle. I at first thought that maybe I could

explain to her that my confession was nothing but a careless decision that I've

made, that I know have found myself a lover so she could rest assure because I

could give her guarantee that I would never scare her away with my absurd

feelings anymore. At the end of it, I hoped she would understand and we could be

friends again. But hey, not everything can end up just like we wish for, right?

Right yet still it hurts.

--------------------------------

 

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" Sunny waved her hand in front of my face.

 

"Eh? Sorry, what did you say again about your meeting?" I blinked my eyes, trying

to act normal.

 

"I was telling you about my boss, not about the meeting. That story has ended

minutes ago." Sunny huffed. Her face elaborated how annoyed she's with me.

 

"What's wrong, babe? You look like you're not you. Is there something bothering

you? Care to share it with me?" She asked me worriedly.

 

"Not really. I'm fine. There's just too much work for today and I don't think I will

have adequate time to finish it all." I lied. I quickly averted my gaze from her and

ate my rice.

 

"Nice try, Taeyeon. Nice try, but maybe you should try again another time. You

texted me at 10 am saying that there's nothing much to do and now you tell me that

there's too much work. Tsk!" Sunny shook her head and scoffed at me.

 

"Did I say that? Sigh.. Fine, it's her." I admitted. I reached out my hand and placed

it on top of her. I rubbed Sunny's hand to dissipate her anger.

 

"Jessica?" Yep! I've told her about Jessica but not completely.

 

"Yeah. I met her this morning and I greeted her yet she ignored me. I told her that I

wanted to talk to her yet she asked me not to do anything to her anymore. In short,

we're strangers now." I explained.

 

"Hey,, don't be sad. You still have me, babe. Jessica is the stupid one for missing

out a very valuable opportunity to have you. She should be the one to grief, not

you." Sunny took my hand and held it on the table. A sincere smile appeared on

her face.

 

"Thanks'. You make me feel better. I just at least hoped we still could be friends. I

thought I could introduce you to her to make her feel relieved because I will no

longer chase her now that I have you. There goes my hope.." I muttered with a sad

face.

 

"Well stop hoping then. Be more realistic, babe. Not everything you wish for can

be granted. She's the one who's losing, not you and we don't need to tell anyone

about us. As long as we both know we're happy, what else do we need, huh?"

Sunny retrieved her hand and leaned back on her chair.

 

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I nodded at her. I pushed my half eaten food away and

played with the straw on my glass.

 

"Stop guessing. You do know I'm right. I'm always right! Hahaha..." Sunny

laughed and I have to smile at that.

 

Her laughter is addicting. Am I already falling in love with her? Now that I think

again, we never say I love you to each other. What we did and do is just a gesture

to convey how we care for each other, how we want each other. Lust maybe but

love? I don't know about it. She never asks me about it and me too don't have

enough faith to ask her. I mean, how can I ask her about love when I'm not even

sure what I'm feeling for her? Is it love? If so, what kind of love then? Sisterly

love? Friendly love? Tell me again why there are so many different definitions of

love? Errr..

 

I like kissing her, I like how she treats me, I like the fact that she's a jealous and

possessive person when it comes to me, I like how she's mad at me whenever I

forget to tell her about things that occurred to me no matter how unimportant it was

for me, I like how she makes me feel special, uhm to conclude it all, I like her as

her, wholly, completely, and explicitly. So does it mean that I love her already? I

don't think my feelings are that deep. And to know she never says she loves me,

I'm sure she too is still confuse with her own feelings. The most important thing is

that we both enjoy what we have now, screw the future. I just want to live to the

fullest for now with Sunny as my special one. Silly, right?

 

"Okay okay, I give up! My bunny is always right. There I've said it, happy?" I

raised up my hands and acted like I've surrendered to her.

 

"Very happy! Now say aaah.." Sunny took my plate and spooned rice. She then

brought it to the front of my mouth.

 

"Aaaa..." I made my mouth widely opened and let Sunny feed me.

 

"I think someone is jealous or maybe she hates you that much until she's trying to

scare me with her deadly glare." Sunny exclaimed all of sudden.

 

"Who?" I asked while chewing the food.

 

"Uhm.. Look at to your 9 am direction." Sunny made a hint using her eyes and I

followed her command.

 

"Jessica?" I mumbled the blonde's name. She looked so angry with her eyebrows

furrowed so deeply and her forehead wrinkled for frowning too serious. She looked

like she wanted to eat me and Sunny alive now.

 

"Yes, her. If she really doesn't care about you anymore then why she still pays

attention to what you're doing or whom you're with now. Correct me if I'm wrong."

Sunny stated confidently.

 

"I don't know. Perhaps she hates me so much that even my well-being bothers her a

lot. Let's go, babe. I don't want her feeling suffocated by us." I grabbed Sunny's

hand but Sunny detached it.

 

"Na ah.. It's public place so we have the same right as her to eat here. Let's just

continue eating. You haven't finished your food anyway. Open up your mouth,

baby." Sunny tried to feed me again.

 

"But, baby.." I whined yet let her feed me.

 

"What? Let her see what she had lost. Let her regret her decision. And who's that

guy in front of her, is it that Donghae guy you told me?" Sunny glimpsed at the

couple sneakily.

 

"Yeah, that is Donghae. The one who has successfully got the chance to conquer

Jessica's heart instead of me." I bluntly stated, forgot how possessive Sunny could

be.

 

"Yah! So you were saying that you feel bad for having me instead of Jessica?! You

little!!" Sunny dropped the spoon and fork with a clang sound, making some

people including Jessica and Donghae to look at us.

 

"Ouch! Yaaa.. I'm sorry I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." Sunny tweaked my ear and

gave a scary expression.

 

"You better didn't, Kim Taeyeon! Now pay the meal and let's get out of here!"

Sunny stood up and left me alone.

 

I went to the cashier and tried to catch up with her. I finally could walk beside

Sunny and cooed her. I felt someone staring at me so I turned around and I saw

Jessica's eyes glued at me for a second because in the next second, she avoided my

gaze and returned to look at her current boyfriend, yes! That jerk Donghae.

------------------------------------

 

"Thanks' for the ride, babe." I unfastened my seatbeld.

 

"You're most welcome. Now pay the fare!" Sunny turned off the car engine.

 

"With pleasure." I responded almost immediately. I knew what she wanted and I’m

more than willing to give her. I grasped her chin with my left hand and located my

right hand on her waist. I pulled her closer to my face and immediately seized her

lips with mine. I kissed her and as usual, she roamed her hands wildly, started from

my waist upward to my belly. She caressed the inside of my shirt and it made me

shivered in excitement. Once I felt her was too much, I stopped kissing her and

pulled away.

 

“Why did you stop it?” Sunny pouted cutely.

 

“It’s late already, babe. I don’t want you to drive in midnight hour. We’ll still have

tomorrow and please don’t appear out of nowhere again. I’m planning to use my

bike to office tomorrow and I tend to stick with my plan.” I patted  her cheek and

warned her not so strictly.

 

“But what if I already miss you when the morning comes?” Sunny made an

unreasonable excuse, yet I can’t say that I don’t like it.

 

“Then I will make time to go to your floor to give you your morning kiss.” I

guaranteed her.

 

“Okay! It’s a deal then! Goodnight, babe. Don’t forget to dream of me~” Sunny

pecked me for the last time.

 

“Sure! Text me when you’re at home, alright?” I opened the door and got down

from her car. I watched her car leaving me and once I was sure she’s gone, I turned

around and walked to my house.

 

I was thinking that the door was locked. I was trying to find out the key inside my

bag when the door was unlocked by itself. Soon enough, I could see the person

behind the door. It was no one but my brother, Jinwoon.

 

“Hello, brother!!” I cheerfully greeted him and walked inside.

 

“Hey, what’s with the gloomy face?” I asked him when he didn’t reply my

greeting.

 

“Is that Taeyeon??! Tell her to come here immediately!!” I heard my father yelled

from the living room. Judging from his voice, it seemed like he’s angry, but why is

he angry? What did I do?

 

“Noona, I’m so sorry~” Jinwoon grievously said to me. He didn’t even dare to look

at my eyes when he said it. What happened actually? I remember I didn’t even

meet either my mother or father this morning, so why?

 

“What did you do? Why Dad sounds so angry?” I asked him while removing my

shoes.

 

“I swear to God, I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t know that-“

 

“Kim Taeyeon!!!” Dad ferociously called my name. I quickly ignored my brother

and ran a little to the living room. There are my father who has his hands on his

waist and my mother who is just sitting quietly with her hands crossed over her

chest, staring at nothingness on the TV’s black screen.

 

“Did you call me, Dad?” I asked him hesitantly. I really don’t know what really

has happened.

 

“Take a sit there! On the single couch!” My father pointed at the vacant seat and I

followed his order in an instant. I clutched my purse on my lap tightly, shutting my

eyes, anticipating what is about to come next.

 

“Dad, please don’t be angry at Noona~ Who knows that it wasn’t her doing. I’m

sure it’s just purely misunderstanding.” Jinwon came in and interrupted. He didn’t

reluctant to go kneeling in front of my father and begged him. So far, I still

couldn’t understand what really had happened. Did I do something terrible?

 

“Don’t interfere, Jinwoon. This isn’t your business. Go sit beside your mother. I

need to clarify something with your Noona.” My father strictly commanded my

brother. The poor boy weakly stood up and sat beside my mother.

 

“Listen, Kim Taeyeon. I’m sure you don’t understand the whole events so I will

explain it to you briefly.” My father approached me. He took a single chair and sat

on it in front of me. I was too afraid to reply so I just nodded my head.

 

“This afternoon, your mother was trying to communicate with your other brother

through Skype but since she didn’t understand how, she asked Jinwoon to help her.

Fortunately, you didn’t bring your laptop with you today so she could use your

laptop. Jinwoon didn’t do anything wrong in this. He’s purely innocent. He put

your mother on the line using Jinwoon’s Skype account. Once your mother

finished, she didn’t know how to turn it off. Jinwoon was outside while I was

sleeping at that time.” My father tried hard not to burst out. I can see his flaming

breath coming out from his nostril. I don’t know but my guts are telling me that

whatever it is, it will bring bad impact for me, yep a really bad one it is.

 

“So she clicked whatever she could click on. And that’s where she found this!” My

father took the laptop from the coffee table and showed the supposedly hidden

folder which contained my collections of porn videos. Now I think I know why my

parents rage at me. It will be a quite fortune if my parents won’t curse me into a

stone once they have found out, or have they?

 

“I don’t really care if you watch porn! Hell, me and your mother would probably

be proud knowing that you’ve grown mature and is more than ready to build your

own family, BUT! What makes us shocked and your mother fainted is the fact that

you have lesbian porn videos instead of normal one!!!!” My father yelled from the

top of his lung. He shoved out my laptop to me harshly.

 

“Take a good look at it and tell me that it’s not yours!!” My father exasperatedly

told me. He tried to control his anger by rubbing his own chest.

 

Oh Lord, how could this happen? I was very affirmative that I have hidden the

folder and everything inside it too. And why now? I am not ready to face it. Should

I lie? But if I lie, what reasons I can give them to make them believe in me? And

then again, if I lie now, until when I can hide my real identity; the truth that I’m

gay? In one side, I really want to protect my family’s feelings by not telling them

but on another side, I also want to come out clean, to be proud of my preference no

matter how ashamed it is, no matter what worst possibility I should face. I know

that I will taint my family’s name but.. sigh, Fany-ah, if you were me, what would

you do?

 

“Answer him, Taeyeon-ah~ Tell your father that it’s not yours~ Tell him that it’s

your friend’s folder who accidentally dropped her folder there and forgot to

retrieve it back.” My mother now decided to talk. She pleaded me desperately and

it made me feel much guiltier. How could I be different and make my parents so

disappointed with me?

 

“It’s mine, Dad.” I discarded every possibility out of my head and determined to be

honest with myself, and now with my family.

 

*SLAP*

 

I was taken aback. I never thought there would be a day come where my own

biological parents had heart to beat up on me, no matter where the spot could be.

23 years I’ve lived and never before my parents ever lay a hand on me until now.

My face whipped sideways and the sting pain followed after. The blow on my

cheek is nothing compares to the ache I feel inside my heart. Tears surged up and

in seconds, it fell down from the corner of my eyes, dampened my cheeks.

 

“YAH! What have you done!! That’s enough!!” My mother jumped from her seat

and hugged me. I was immobile, too startled and hurt to do anything.

 

“I didn’t raise her and waste my money away just to have a gay daughter!!! What

will people say about our family’s reputation?! What will your grandma say if she

knows your real preference?! You’re the eldest yet you have failed to be a good

example for your dongsaeng! I’m so disappointed in you, Kim Taeyeon!!!” My

father continued to abuse me by saying those hurtful words. I couldn’t react and

just busy burying my face on my mother’s chest, crying myself a river after

hearing those words.

 

“Stop it right there, Kim Jaesuk!!” My mother dared to yell back at my father. She

tightened her hold on my body and brought me closer, protecting me from

whatever bad things my father can do.

 

“Tell him that you’re just curious, Taeyeon-ah~ Tell him that you’re still perfectly

normal and prefer guys instead of women. Tell him that it was just a mistake, that

it was nothing but childish experiment that you’ve done and regretted it soon

afterward~ Please, Taeyeon-ah~” My mother begged me. She gently took my chin

and wiped away my tears. It was a futile attempt though because it made my tears

streamed out more rapidly.

 

“Explain yourself, Taeyeon!” My father grabbed me and detached me from my

mother. She made me stand up and faced him.

 

“I’m sorry, Dad.” I hung up my head lowly, trying to avoid their intense gaze,

especially my mother’s because I knew, my mom’s gaze would be different from

others. It would only make me feel guiltier than I already am now.

 

“Why you little-“

 

“Don’t you dare to land another slap on her!” My mother stood in front of me and

caught my father’s hand which was already on the air, ready to slap me for the

second time if it weren’t for my mother.

 

“No matter what mistake she has done, she is still our daughter! You have to

accept that fact! So what if she’s gay? It won’t change the reality that I have

carried her inside my belly for 9 months and she has brought us joy when she was

born into this world!” My mother attacked back.

 

“Oh don’t even remind me about that! If I knew she would end up being lesbian, I

would have told you to do abortion!!” My father rudely said it to me while glaring

at me. My father’s last words made my legs went weak that I fell down on my

knees.

 

“Taeyeon-ah!!” My mother diverted her attention and squatted to hold me.

 

“Even if we accept her, I don’t think the society of our nation can handle this

lesbian thing easily. I don’t want to live and have my family in shame just because

this ungrateful daughter. My great grandparents, my grandparents, and my parents

never even once had an abnormal child like her and to know that one of my

descendants isn’t normal pains me. Probably it will be better if the definition of

abnormal is physically disabled rather than gay or lesbian like her.” My father

continued. His words were twinge. It made me my body tremble and my tears

rained out.

 

“Shoosh~ Taeyeon-ah, don’t listen to him okay? Everything is gonna be alright.

I’m sure you can be healed and be normal again, loving a guy and having a decent

man as your husband in the near future.” My mother tenderly ran her fingers

through my hair to soothe me. Even my mother thinks that gay is some kind of

infectious sickness? It saddened me more that I don’t even know whether I can

stop crying soon or not.

 

“Tell her to pack up once she has done with crying.” My father firmly stated and

walked away.

 

“Jinwoon-ah, go to bed.” He told my brother who was about to come after me. Just

like me, my brother was too afraid to rebel. He mouthed sorry word and left. I

could only nod and smiled weakly at him.

 

I gathered my strength and pushed myself to stand up. I helped my mother to stand

up also and hugged her tightly, like my life depended on it, like tomorrow was a

doomsday and I would regret if God didn’t give me second chance to make up with

my mother. My mother looked so confused with my treatment yet she let me hug

her.

 

“Thank you for defending me, Mom. Thank you for not feeling ashamed of my

wrongdoings.” I told her honestly while still holding her close to my body.

 

“What are you saying, Taeyeon-ah? The moment you came out from my womb,

you are already destined to be my daughter and no matter what has happened or

can happen in the future, it still can’t change the fact that you are forever my

daughter and I will always still love you together with your flaw.” My mother

rubbed my back so lovingly. Her shirt was dampened by my tears yet she didn’t

mind.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t be a good daughter for you. Daddy is right; I can bring nothing

but bad name to family. I can’t be a good example for my brothers.” My mother

gestured me to sit and I did. She sat beside me and offered her shoulder. I rested

my head on her warm shoulder.

 

“You maybe are not the best daughter out there but for me, you’re still the best one

God can give. Everything happens for a reason, child. I don’t know how and why

you can swing that way but I believe God has a plan for you and He will still treat

you the same. It will be better if you can change though but I will not force you. If

you are gay then be it. I don’t care about family’s reputation. The reputation is

earned by hard work not by the fact whether we are gay or not.” My mother

calmed me down with her loving words.

 

“And regarding the other matters. Jinwoon has seen the scene alive so I think he

can learn a thing or two from your experience. I’m sure he will grow up as a fine

normal man. Besides, aside from your preference, you are the best sister alive for

him. I know it because he always told his friends how he felt proud of you. I heard

it once when his friends came over. He will always be proud of you even if you are

gay. Different people have different flaws, Tae and that is understandable.” My

mother continued.

 

“If only I wasn’t so freaked out and yelled loudly, maybe your father wouldn’t find

out the real thing.” My mother sadly said it.

 

“It’s okay, Mom. Sooner or later all of you would find out anyway. I was planning

to confess about my preference too but I didn’t expect all of you would precede it

before me. I also never thought that Dad would be this angry. Well, what did I

expect anyway? What’s the use of crying over spilled milk, right?” I chuckled

bitterly.

 

“Don’t overthink about your father. I’m sure he was just too shocked and

emotional. He didn’t mean to go berserk like that. He will feel better tomorrow and

if he isn’t, then I will try and calm him down, persuade him slowly to accept your

preference. Time heals everything, Tae.” My mother smiled at me sincerely. I

could see the tears trickling down her face and it pained me to know that I was the

one who made her like this, who made a riot over my family.

 

“I can always see you when I miss you, right mother?” I have decided and didn’t

have any plan to go back. I made this on my own and I had to deal with the

punishment.

 

“What do you mean? Of course you can! We live in the same-“

 

“Wait! What do you have in mind?? Don’t tell me that you-“

 

“Yes, Mom. I will do as Dad wants me to. I will leave this house tonight. I will not

bring the things you’ve bought me because I know I don’t have right to do that.

Thank you for raising me and be patient with me and my bad habit. I’m sorry again

for disappointing you.” I kissed my mother’s cheek for some seconds, knowing

this could be the last time I did this in the place I used to call my own house.

 

“No, Taeyeon-ah~ Please don’t do that~ Ignore your father’s remark and continue

living here~” My mother begged me exasperatedly. More tears came out from her

already red and swollen eyes.

 

“Please don’t leave me, Tae~” My mother begged me more when she saw I could

only shook my head, rejecting her request.

 

“I can’t do that, Mom. I’m too ashamed to show myself to Jinwoon tomorrow and I

know how much trouble I’ve caused to my own family. I hate seeing you and Dad

fighting because of me, moreover when I knew very well that I’m the one at fault

here. The least thing I can do to repent my sin to Dad is by leaving, Mom. Please

understand me.” My voice was shaking and soon tears filled in my eyes, forcing to

be out.

 

“Taeyeon-ah~” My mother reached out her hands when she saw me standing up.

 

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I love you so much. Tell Daddy and Jinwoon that I’m so sorry

and that I love them more than my own life.” With that I ran to my room and

quickly locked the door behind. I could hear my mother knocking my door

desperately and soon I heard my father’s voice. The voice dissipated not long after.

Perhaps my father brought my mother to their sharing bedroom.

 

I ignored my unstoppable tears and hurriedly prepared my luggage. I threw in

whatever I could find inside the luggage and zipped it. I checked around the

hallway by slipping out my head from the space between my opened door. Once I

was sure that there’s no one, I stepped out from my room and descended the stairs

with my luggage within my hands. I didn’t even have time to write them a letter

because I was in a hurry. I managed to get out from my house yet I was still

standing outside, staring attentively at my house or used to be my house. I tried to

remember every single detail of the building before me, knowing it would be some

time before I could visit this place again. I cried again on the same spot while

recalling happy memories I’ve past with my family member.

 

I’ve lived here for more than twenty years and not a single day passed with regret.

I still remember how I used to play with my brothers on the narrow park behind

this house and would only stop when mother called us to have dinner. I was taught

to ride my bike by my father in front of this house. I received the letter of

acceptance from my university from that blue mailbox. I often helped my mother

cooking in the kitchen inside this house. I used to hang the washed clothes every

morning before going to campus since the class would only start at 9 am. Each and

every event makes my tears fall more heavily. The tears are uncontrollable and I

don’t have intention to make it stop since this could be the last time I could see my

own house.

 

“Maybe it’s my destiny to end up like this. I’m sorry, Mom, Dad, Jinwoon-ah,

Jiwoong-ah. I’ve failed to be a good daughter and sister for all of you. I will excuse

myself now~~” I said to no one. I bowed deeply for some time, letting my tears fell

down and hit the cold ground down below. Once I felt my back was stiff, I

composed myself and walked away, leaving the house completely with the people

inside it.

-------------------------------------------------

 

All in Vain

"Good morning, babe!" I greeted my housemate without even trying to look back

since well, she's the only person aside of me who's living in this newly bought

apartment.

 

"Hoaahhmmm.. Mowninnggg. Why did you wake up so early, darling?" The girl

who's shorter than me by an inch yawned and rubbed her eyes cutely.

 

Her raspy voice made me turn my body around. I saw her sitting on the nearby

stool, watching me cooking with her sleepy eyes. She's propping her head with her

arm and tries hard not to close her eyes again. The sight makes me chuckle but not

for long since I still have my healthy and full of nutritious food being cooked.

 

"I'm preparing breakfast for you! It's the least thing I can do to show my gratitude

you know." I stirred the egg on the frying pan carefully to prevent the omellete

from become scramble egg.

 

"What? By being my slave? Uh come on.. If you really want to be my slave then I

prefer you being slave on bed only." She smirked with her half closed eyes. Again,

it made me giggle and shook my head slightly.

 

"Tsk! Pervert already in the morning? I can't believe it." I turned off the stove and

placed the well done cooked omelet with cheese on the plate and served it in front

of Sunny.

 

"Hmmm.. Smells good! It's been sometime since I ate a proper breakfast. Let's eat

together, babe!" Sunny sniffed and smiled seeing my perfect art on her plate. She

quickly grabbed her fork and knife. She reached out her hands on air, waiting for

me to join her.

 

"Tsk! You don't have to state the obvious thing, babe. That's why you look rusty

and pale. It's because you often skip breakfast and prefer eating junk food only." I

protested. I placed my own plate with food on it and sat in front of Sunny.

 

"You know how hectic my work can be and that's why I didn't think twice when

you begged me to accomodate you and! FYI, I'm not rusty!! I'm still energetic,

healthy, and full of lust! You can prove it by yourself if you don't believe me."

Sunny showed me her not so well-shaped biceps and triceps to me.

 

"Yah! I never begged you! Coincidentally you called me when I just kicked out

from my house and no, I don't need to prove it. I'll just believe it like that, thank

you. You and your pervert thought." I forced a smile. I'm reminded by my family

and couldn't help but feeling sad and dejected.

 

"Hey, stop thinking about that, Taeyeon. I'm still here, aren't I? You're not alone in

this matter. I believe what they only need is time. There will be moment when they

can accept you for who you are. No matter what they do or did or will do, it won't

change the fact that you're a part of the family. You're your parent only daughter

and the sister of your younger brothers." Sunny understood and coaxed me. She

held my hand and squeezed it a bit.

 

"Thank you. How's the omelet taste? Is it good enough?" I changed the topic.

 

"Uhm.. It's edible." Sunny teased me. She shoved another piece of the food into her

mouth and ate like there's no tomorrow.

 

"That's it? Just edible? Yet you've finished more than half portion of your food

when we're just starting to eat. Good lie, babe. Well, white lies supposedly for

good reason, right?" I slowly chewed the food and sipped the water to help the

food go through my throat. I don't feel like eating since that night yet I force

myself to do that because I don't want Sunny to be worried about me.

 

On that unforgettable night, when I was confuse and felt lost, when I didn't know

where I could run to, Sunny came as my savior, my hero and life saver. She called

me, asking me what I was doing at that time. Since I was crying badly, she could

recognize the change of my voice easily. She attacked me with uncountable

questions and I lost improvisations to lie to her. I finally told her the truth and in a

zap, Sunny picked me up and brought me to her apartment.

 

Since then, I've been living under the same roof with her. It's already a week and so

far, everything is going well and steady. Nevertheless, just as what I've mentioned

above, she's an actual pervert, the mastermind of pervert or anything you may call

it. I've told you that we're housemate, not roommate so it means I sleep in different

room from her. At first, she persuaded me to sleep together with her but knowing

her for some time made me know her inside out. I knew what she thought of just

by looking at her face expression. And yes, I acknowledge I wouldn't be safe I

sleep with her if you know what I mean.

 

How am I? How's my life? You can say I'm wrecked and broken. I still feel sad

and shattered almost every night since that day, the doomsday, the day when I can

even be called parentless or an orphan. None of my family tried to contact me up

until now. I don't know what Dad has done to them until the rest of my family

members act like they don't care anymore about my well-being, or maybe in fact

they don't care for real? It hurts so much just to think about it.

 

There's no night passed smoothly without me crying silently inside my room with

my head under the pillow or blanket to prevent Sunny from hearing my sobs and

sniffs. As I've promised, I didn't bring anything which isn't mine, which are being

bought by parents. I didn't bring my bike, my old yet still useful clothes, and such.

The worst is, I also left my heart inside that house and I know I can't retrieve it

back. I don't know what to do to get rid of this longing feelings I experience for my

family. It's much more sensitive for me when it comes to family problems.

 

I never once stop holding back neither myself not to visit my house again nor my

brothers' universities. Honestly, it's so damn hard! It's like my body has its own

command to do that and there's nothing I can do to dodge it. Sunny understands my

place but she never wants to touch that matter and I thank her for that. She often

gives stares with hidden meaning to me but she chooses to pretend not to know.

She knows that I'm still fragile and she's more than willing to protect me from

being broken more than I already am now. She's nice, isn't she?

 

My hands are so itchy, trying to call one of my family members over and over

again yet like how I hold my body not to visit them, I also do the same to my

hands. I wish I can just dispose their numbers from my phone yet I can't. Why?

Because even if I have it erased, it can't change the fact that I can remember each

and every number of their contact numbers, so it's kind of useless to do that, no?

 

"Shut up, it's just me being hungry and coincidentally there's an untouched food in

front of you. Logically, you'd grab the food no matter how horrible it would taste,

right? Right." Sunny argued back but I was too busy with my own world, the world

which can't even be touched by me.

 

"Baby? Hey.." Sunny snapped her fingers to gain my attention.

 

"Huh?" I pretended to yawn to hide my tears from her yet I know I'd fail anyway.

 

"Are you okay? Still thinking of your family, hmm? I'm sorry I can't do much for

you. Maybe I can say that I understand but I'm not really in your place so I don't

know how it feels actually." Sunny sadly stated. She put aside her empty plate and

gave a somber gaze to me.

 

"You've done too much, babe. I'm sorry for ruining your mood. It's just kind of

hard to adapt to the new situation I'm in now. In no time, I'll be okay. Don't be sad.

It's enough for having a sad person, both of us sad and we can even make a tragedy

movie here." I tried to stretch her mouth sideways so she would like a smiling girl.

 

"Hahaha.. Very funny, Kim Taeyeon but yes. I'll help you to adapt and I'm sure I

will have the full of confidence, passionate, independent Taeyeon pretty soon.

Now, let's prepare to work. I have an urgent meeting today." Sunny piled up the

dirty plates and mugs and brought it to the sink.

 

"Let me wash it while you're taking a bath and be quick, please?" Sunny said. She

started to dampen the plates first with water before washing it using the soap.

 

"Yes, captain. I'll get ready now!" I saluted at her. I approached her to hug her

from behind and left a peck on her right cheek before running to take the towel and

taking a shower.

----------------------------------------------

 

"Finally!! My project went alive!! Yeaayyy!! Oh holiday, free days, vacation, here

I come!!!" Sunny jumped and danced around the living room once she unlocked

the front door.

 

"Hey, be careful! You'll get dizzy if you're turning around on the same spot too

long!" I warned her. I took off my shoes and chuckled at her childish act. Tell me

again about her age? I'm not sure it's 29 based on her activity now.

 

"I don't care!! I was dizzier when doing that endless project and numerous

meetings not to mention unlimitied lectures from my boss!" Sunny ignored my

remark and continued doing what she's doing until my words came true. She

stopped and clutched her head. She giggled and plopped her body to the sofa with

her eyes glued on the ceiling.

 

"See? I told you not to do that yet you're too stubborn or maybe too childish to

even listen to me. Wait, I'll get you water." I went to the kitchen to fetch her water

to make better.

 

"And I replied that I don't care! Thanks' for the water. You're the best, babe."

Sunny took the water and drank it until it's empty.

 

"Fiuh! At least my boss rewarded me with a week off. It's not enough but it will

make for the torturing months I've passed." Sunny put down the glass and leaned

her head on my shoulder.

 

"I'm happy for you. Your hard work has been paid off. Your goal has been

achieved and you're given some days off by your boss. You got bonus for what

you've done too. What else that you want?" I in reflex held her waist and brought

her closer. I rested my hand on her waist and averted my head for a moment to kiss

her crown.

 

"Yeah, you're right. So do you intend to give me present too, baby??" Her tired

sound changed into a more energetic one and it made suspicious for some seconds.

 

"If I can afford it then sure, I'll give you. What do you want?" I stroked the side of

her waist tenderly and I felt her shivered under my touch. God, what was she

thinking???

 

Before I continue my story, let me tell you few information first. It's passed my

first month living together with Sunny and each day was getting better! Her habit

so far is acceptable. She's lazy to cook, she's so busy that she seldom had time to

chat with me casually because right after breakfast, lunch, and dinner, we would

quickly got up and paid for the meal or when we're at home then she would excuse

herself to continue working. I understand that she's a career woman but sometimes

I think she's too hard to herself.

 

Aside from that, I keep doing my job as a good lover and guide for her. I watched

her doing her things attentively with care. I'd prepare her warm milk and put it on

the nightside inside her bedroom. I'd place her pajamas on her bed when she's

bathing. I'd wait her until I sometimes fell asleep on the couch with the TV still on.

I'd never forget to remind her that she should have quick dinner before sleeping. I'd

reheat the food for her while she's changing inside her bedroom. This week was the

busiest for her so yeah I understand why she's doing that.

 

To remind you, I didn't do it because I feel indebted to her but because I care. But

can I call it love now? I'm not sure yet, or at least not 100 percent since Sunny isn't

the only woman who's inside my not so smart brain. Yep, there are Tiffany, Jessica

and my family. Undoubtedly, my family occupies the largest space followed by

Tiffany and the last but not least, Jessica. It's normal to contemplate about my

family knowing my current situation and secondly, Jessica, knowing that she acted

weirdly the last time I saw her, but Tiffany?

 

I've tried to figure out as of why Tiffany is still lingering inside my musing.

Logically, it's just doesn't make sense. I've never met her for real and we've cut any

contact possible, now that I think again, actually we never even called each other

nor did skype. So yeah, it means that we communicated through message and

what's app only. Oh wow! Only by messages and I feel already that I've fallen head

over heels for her. Crazy? Yes, I've figured out that much.

 

What is she doing? What clothes she's wearing? What's the reason behind her

beautiful laugh? With whom she's now? How's she? Is she fine and healthy? Has

she graduated from the university? What about finding some job afterward?

Questions like these keep intruding my mind and since I don't have any answers to

that, I can only imagining it by myself. Pathetic, right? Right. Now let's get back to

the storyline.

 

"I want you, babe." Sunny with eyes filled of lust stated it oh so seductively. She

licked the corner of her lips and touched my cheek with the back of her hand.

 

"Well you already have me, baby. We're even living under the same roof! So

consider your wish granted. Now let's get change!" I abruptly stood up and my

trembling legs didn't help me to cover my nervousness resulted from hearing her

desire earlier.

 

"Kim Taeyeon stop right there!" Sunny raised her voice at me which made me

halted on my spot right at that moment. I hear sounds of her footsteps approaching

me.

 

"You definitely know what I meant by that, don't you? We're both adult, Tae, very

fine grown up it is. You are an author or rated stories so cut out the pretense

please?" Sunny walked and stood in front of me. The lust in her eyes is still there.

 

"Do you not want me that much? Am I not attractive enough for you? Am I that

ugly until you have reason to take me? Am I that disgust-"

 

"Stop it, baby. You know that's not true. You're beautiful, amazing, attractive,

splendid, gorgeous, and anything positive word as long as it can describe your

flawless figure." I covered her mouth with my palm.

 

"Then why? It's been sometime we're living together. You wanted to sleep in

separate room and I complied with your request. You always pulled away

whenever our kisses proccess were getting intense and I never even once protested.

You always indirectly slapped my hands away if it automatically slipped inside

your shirt but then again I ignored my pride and pretended that everything was

well. And now I want you badly but rejection is all I get in return. Why, Taeyeon-

ah?" Sunny exasperatingly said. Her face expression turned gloomy and it made

me feel guilty. Am I that bad as a lover?

 

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I've failed to be a good lover for you. I'm too selfish

that I never thought you'd be that hurt because of me. Let me fix it for you, okay?

Can you give me another chance to prove how much I feel fond of you?" I cooed

and came closer. I embraced Sunny and wrapped my hands around her waist.

 

"What do you mean? Why does it sound like you want us to part?" Sunny pushed

me away and asked with a serious face.

 

"I mean what I've said. I've failed noticing your every gesture which hid precious

meaning so now I beg you for another chance if you know what I mean." I tilted

her chin a bit and slowy kissed her.

 

"Do you mean you're willing to-" I silenced her with another kiss.

 

"Yes, but only if you're willing too." I detached my lips off of her and smiled.

 

"I've been waiting for that since years ago so I have confidence that I the most

willing here." Sunny like usual crept up her hands inside my shirt but this time I

didn't push it away. I feel weak and shivering but the sensation isn't unlikeable.

 

"Shall we continue it on bed? Your room or mine?" I let go of her lips yet the

distance of our lips is close to none.

 

"Let's use mine first then we can try your room. How about it, huh?" Sunny

murmured while trailing kisses on my neck.

 

"Feisty but I like it." I commented and carried her off the ground, heading to her

room and yes that night we uhmm.. Can I say make love? Or sex? Oh well

whataver you prefer to say.

--------------------------------------------

 

"Did you call for me, Sir?" I plunged in my head in between the door and asked the

man who's sitting not far away from the door, looking so serious reading

documents on his seat.

 

"Yes. Come in, Taeyeon and please close the door before you sit." I saw Yoochun

closing the document and saved in inside his drawer. I took steps forward and sat

on the vacant seat in front of his table.

 

"Is there anything you want to say to me? I've submitted the report just 2 days ago.

Errmm.. Are you somehow feeling disatisfied with my report?" I fidgeted with my

fingers, feeling afraid of being scolded and lectured for being a careless employee.

A chuckle made me look up.

 

"Relax, Taeyeon. Since when I've ever summoned you to critic you about your

report, huh? If that's not clear enough, the only thing I did was only praising you

for your perfect work, didn't I? So yeah, it's actually not about job thingy."

Yoochun leaned back on his seat.

 

"Right. Hehehe.. Sorry." I grinned at my boss slash best friend in work.

 

"So I've heard about you and her." Yoochun started. I didn't show any sign and

allowed him to continue.

 

"Sunny, the HR Specialist. So I have a question, are you two are an item?"

Yoochun carefully asked me. He fixed his position and moved his seat toward the

table to stare at me closer.

 

"Ermm.."

 

"Be honest with me please and if you're wondering how could I know this, let's just

say we gay have our own communities and our gaydar never fails to detect our

fellow, you know people who are gay too." I nodded at his statement even up until

now I still don't know how to recognize gay people using my gaydar. Ermm.. Is it

because my signal is still weak? Oh well...

 

"So I just need an affirmation because as much as I like to gossip with my gay

friends, I prefer to hear it directly from its source. Let me repeat the question then,

are you and Sunny have a special relationship?" Yoochun was being so careful and

I thank him for that. I feel comofortable to tell him my story, especially about my

preference but I never tell him my personal story as with whom I'm currently with

and such.

 

"Yes, I do. If I may ask, why did you ask about this out of nowhere?" I asked him

back. If I'm not mistaken or misjudge, Yoochun has a more like disappointed face

expression instead of a happy one knowing that I've partner now. What happened?

 

"So it's true." He let out a sigh.

 

"Hey, why do you sound sad and disappointed about my relationship with her?

Shouldn't you feel glad because I'm not longer a loner now." I chuckled, trying to

lighten up the atmoshpere yet it's a failure attempt.

 

"I'm afraid I have a bad news for you. I don't ask you to believe me completely but

I suggest you to ask her for the confirmation about the statement I'm about to say

to you. Are you ready, Taeyeon-ah?" Yoochun's words make me afraid but

curiosity wins against my fear. I slowly nodded my head and asked him to say

whatever he wanted to say to me.

 

"Sunny has a fiancé already." I was still immobile with my blank eyes. I couldn't

comprehend the bad news either because it was too short, too shocking, or too

unbelievable.

 

"Look. I know you may not trust my words. That's why I've prepared this for you."

Yoochun reopened his drawer and took a thing which looked like a photograph

paper.

 

"See this for yourself and I'm open for any insult or mortification after." Yoochun

dragged the photo to me.

 

There it is. There are two people inside the photo, a man and a woman whom I

know more than well. We've passed the highest stage thou couple of days ago so

how couldn't I recognize her, huh? The couple wore matching beach attire. They

were in the beach based on the background behind them. I can see shoreline, wave,

white sand, and my broken heart. There they were looking so happy to show their

couple rings or should I say engagement rings? I feel my heart shattered again for

the nth time that I feel numb. I feel nothing, an absolute nothingness.

 

"Taeyeon-ah, are you okay? Listen, I don't mean to harm you but it's better to tell

you now than later right? Before you decide to further your relationship with her.

The impact will be multiplied if you know it when you've fallen for her or when

you almost propose her and such." Yoochun nudged my arm yet I didn't react.

 

"Tae-"

 

"I'm fine, Sir. It hurts but I'm sure I will be okay in no time. If I may ask, can I go

home early today?" I forced a smile.

 

"Of course. You can even take one of two days off if you need it." Yoochun

answered me with his eyes are still trying to pry what I feel actually.

 

"I will consider the offer then. Lastly, can I take this photo with me?" I tried not to

grasp this picture too tightly. I don't want Yoochun to see my real emotion because

I myself too don't know what I can do about this once I meet Sunny later.

 

"Take it, Taeyeon. It's yours." Yoochun gave me a permission and I again forced a

smile which couldn't even reach my ears.

 

"Thank you-"

 

"Taeyeon-ah, please don't pretend to be strong. It's painful seeing you like this. I

may be your boss in the company but I can also switch to be your best friend

whenever you want me to. I'm here, Tae. I have 5 senses not to be wasted away

you know. I have my eyes to watch after my best friend, my ears to listen to your

story, my nose to smell the strangeness of your behavior, my tongue to advise you,

and skin to touch you and give you comfort whenever you need it." Yoochun got

up from his seat and hugged me tightly.

 

"It hurts, Yoochun-ah. It feels so damn hurt to be deceived and stepped on like this.

What sin I've made in life before until I have to have cruel destiny like this? My

parents disown me and my lover cheat on me, or maybe she's the one who's

cheating with me. I don't know. I don't know and I don't want to know anymore." I

gripped his shirt and dampened it with my tears.

 

"I understand, Taeyeon-ah. Pour it out now, I'm here for you." Yoochun soothed

me and rubbed my back.

 

"My first love despised me, the person whom I thought potential to be my true love

doesn't want to meet me and now,, *sobs*" I can't continue further and continue

crying on his shoulder.

 

"Be strong, Taeyeon-ah. You're not alone, you will never be alone. Even if I

weren't here, you'd still have God who will constantly accompany you and be with

you whenever and wherever you are." Yoochun tried to calm me down but it didn't

succeed since the velocity of my falling tears aren't slow down a bit.

 

"God? How can He still be here when I've defied him, Yoochun-ah? He doesn't

like deviate lamb, Yoochun. He might be there for normal people but not for

people like us, like you and me so yeah I have to accept that I'm really alone in this

matter. No parents, no lover, no God, nothing." I cried harder hearing myself

saying those hurtful words.

 

"Don't say that please, Taeyeon. It's not true. God is as near or even nearer than our

pulse. He's out there for you and me. All you need to do is believe and have faith in

Him. Go to church and pray, ask Him what you have to do with your problems.

Trust me, you'll feel much better after that." Yoochun pulled away and managed to

prevent more tears from coming down. He grabbed some sheets of tissues on his

table and used it to wipe my tears off.

 

"Thank you, Yoochun-ah. You're the only person I can trust right now. I don't

know what I'd do if you weren't there." I cleaned the remaining tears from my face

and decided to continue crying later.

 

"You don't have to worry about that because I will always there for you. You can

leisurely interrupt me in my room and I won't mind. Or if you need me outside of

work, I'm just one phone call away, Tae." Yoochun patted my shoulder gently.

 

"Uhm.. Thanks'. I think I have to go now. I don't want people to accuse me having

affair with my boss. My name isn't exactly good you know. Don't want to worsen it

by hanging here too long." I smiled more sincerely this time.

 

"You don't need to listen to their arbitrary judgments. Let the dog barks as loud as

it wants yet don't let them affect you. You are a good person and don't change that

just because those unimportant people, okay? I know you better than that."

Yoochun ruffled my hair like a brother treated his younger sister.

 

"Yes, Sir!!" I saluted.

 

"Good! Don't act carelessly, Tae! Don't distract your problem with alcohol and

such. You better knocking my house in the middle of the night in sober state than

finishing your night alone accompanied by alcohol. Do you hear me?" Yoochun

warned me.

 

"I'm not that brainless you know. I know it's stupid to do that so don't worry, I

won't let alcohol interfere my problems." I told him.

 

"I'm happy to hear it then. Take care, Tae and take some days off please and be

back here with positive aura, a cheerful and happy go lucky Taeyeon I once knew,

okay?" Yoochun winked at me. He's so kind and a very loving boss. In spite of my

endless bad luck, I guess he's the good luck version given by God.

 

I got out from Yoochun's office room with so many things clouded inside my

mind, not the good one obviously. I walked to my cubicle and gathered all my

things. I shoved it messily inside my purse and headed to the elevator. The elevator

dinged and the door slide open with Jessica inside it. Unlike any other day, this

time I didn't even want to take a quick glimpse to her direction. I entered the

elevator and pressed the LG button. I felt eyes sharply looking at me and yes I

knew it was coming from Jessica but that's the least I could think of now.

 

Since I close to always go back and forth to the office together, it makes me have

to hail a cab or choose public transportation to go back. I don't want my

embarrassing state to be seen by strangers so I think I'll choose cab for now. I look

around and reach out my hand to stop a yellow sedan. I climb on and lean back,

telling the driver the address of Sunny's apartment which probably will be visited

by me for the last time today. I still have the photograph inside my palm. The

condition isn't that good anymore. I've subconsciously gripped it too hard on the

way to the lobby before.

 

If Sunny happens hasn't reached home, what should I do? Should I just pack and

leave her a farewell letter saying my true feelings and how I feel so offended for

her not so white lies? Or should I wait for her to come home to talk it out. I don't

want what if's words disturb me just how I've experienced with Tiffany. I get rid of

those thoughts and determined to just rethink about it later when I've arrived.

 

Luckily my tears are saved up for now so yeah, I'm more than sure I can pour it out

more rapidly if I need it soon. Actually, it depends on how Sunny elaborate her

advocacy. If it's proven that the man is indeed her fiancé then I'm more than ready

to let the tears flow one more time but if it happens the man is only her ex than I

will feel relieved and happy. However, my intuition says that it will be the former

but yeah, I still have some faith left in me. I just can hope my faith won't betray

me. Sunny-ah, please don't break my already ruined heart?

-----------------------------------------------

 

Catch Me

 

As expected, Sunny isn't nowhere to be found. She hasn't reached home yet. I

removed my coat and wrist watch, put it on the coffee table. It's only 3 pm so it's

normal if I can't find her at home. Usually she would be home at dawn, at 5 or 6

pm but it things don't according to plan, then she wouldn't be home before the

clock strike straight at 10 pm. I don't know why but especially for today, I kind of

hope I won't have to meet her early. I pray she would have many tasks today which

would force her to stay at office longer.

 

Maybe I'm not yet ready to meet her or maybe I plainly don't want to meet her. The

pain inside my heart will be doubled everytime I take a look ath the picture.

There's no doubt that it's indeed her, Sunny, the woman I've been living together

with for some time, the woman whom I first thought would be my first and last

lover. There goes away my dream and hope, gone down to the drain.

 

I got up from the couch and went to the kitchen. I drank as many glasses of water

as my somach could contain. People say that water can calm you down so I tried to

follow it yet it doesn't make me feel better at all. I still can clearly feel the ache and

broken like before. I shrugged and tossed the glass inside the sink. I thought I

should use this time to pack away my things. If the theory, well it's not really

theory since it has proof so uhmm.. Let's call it hypothesis instead. Right, if it's true

then I have to be ready to move out as soon as possible. It would be too

embarrassing to have myself unprepared when we decided to separate later.

 

So here I am inside the room I've used for the past month. I retrieved the empty

luggage and unzip it. I started to put in the clothes, ranging from my underwear,

pants, work attire, blazer, etc. This scene reminds me of the time when I was

kicked out from my own house almost two months ago. I didn't realize the tears

sneakily escaped my eyes. I only knew it when it fell down and dampened my

shirt. I chuckled bitterly, laughing at my own destiny that deserved an award

categorized as the person who has the worst luck ever. I often wonder, am I

cursed?

 

I reminded of the night when my family revealed my biggest secret or you can say,

my biggest sin. How I reacted to that, how devastated I felt, how disgust reflected

on my father's face, and how sadness could be seen in my mother's eyes. But this

time, instead of stress and burdened, I think the one who will experience what my

family had experienced is me. I don't know how I will react if what Yoochun said

is true. Will I cry? Will I beg Sunny not to leave me and leave her fiancé instead?

Or will I feel too lost and shocked to even react? I don't know. Let time tells later

when she's home. It looks like my prayer has been answered when I heard the door

creaked open.

 

"Tae-baby!! Are you home?" She's calling my name when she couldn't find me in

the living room as usual. I braced myself and cleared my throat before deciding to

come out and face her.

 

"Yes! I'm in my room. I'll be there soon." I pocketed the picture and went out.

 

"Hi, baby! What were you doing?" Sunny put down her purse and let her body fall

to the couch. She looks so tired and there are black circles under her eyes.

 

"I was just lying on my bed. Tired?" I lied and sat beside her. In reflex, she leaned

her head on my shoulder.

 

"Uhm.. Very! The days off are nothing compare to the days on! Sigh.. I feel like

I've signed the slavery contract in my company. I think I will surely save my

money so I can retire early." She protested weakly. Seeing her condition, will it be

okay to ask her now? But I want to talk this out when she's in good mood, unlike

this.

 

"Poor baby.. Have you had dinner?" I decided to postpone my question for some

time and will only ask it on weekend. Today is Thursday so I just have to wait for

another day. Yeah yeah, you can call me stupid for delaying the heartache I'd feel

but for me it's called understanding. She had allowed me to stay, the least I could

do is being nice and understanding her, no?

 

"Not yet. I don't have appetite for food." I felt her shaking her head and heaved a

sigh.

 

"But you have to eat. Come on. Your energy has been sucked out caused of

working. Let's refill it with food. I'lll reheat the food for you, okay?" I ignored the

curiosity inside my heart and chose to serve Sunny as usual.

 

"I'm not hungry for food, Tae." Sunny's breath on my neck made me feel the

goosebumps. I hope she's not thinking what I'm thinking she is. I'm not in the

mood for this, not when my heart's destiny is on the verge of breaking.

 

"Sunny-ah, don't-"

 

"I miss you. I haven't seen you for the rest of the day. We went to work at 8 am and

I just got home not long ago. It means, I haven't met you for more than 12 hours!"

Sunny gasped at her own calculation.

 

"I miss you too but you have to eat proper food first. I don't want you to get sick."

As much as I wanted to laugh at her exaggerating remark, I'm not really in the

mood now and knowing what she actually needed made it worse. I don't think

whatever she will do later can turn me on. Sigh.

 

"Geez! Talkative baby.. Alright alright, I'll eat food then take a bath and have you

as my dessert. Ah sorry, I was wrong, I mean I will serve myself as your dessert."

Sunny chuckled and stood up.

 

"Can I at least get a kiss first?" She bend her body and jutted her lips toward my

face.

 

"Sure!" I pretended to be excited and kissed her hard. I couldn't think of anything

but my soon to be broken heart. She grabbed my neck and deepened the kiss when

I was about to pull away. I surrendered to her kiss and let her doing what she

wanted to do.

 

"Thank you. Will you please accompany me to eat, babe?" Sunny patted my head

and removed her jacket.

 

"Why not?" Just like a robot who should obey its master, I did anything she asked

me to. It's different from other nights because usually, I did it based on my

intuition and wants yet now, I only did because she nicely ordered me to. Different,

right?

 

"So, how's your day?" I asked her while waiting for the food to be warmed inside

the microwave.

 

"Tiring, boring, devastating, suffocating, annoying,-"

 

"Alright, alright. I get what you meant already." I faked a chuckle to prevent her

from being suspicious.

 

"How's yours?" Sunny turned to ask me.

 

"It was good. Nothing unusual happened." I shortly answered. I took out the food

using the napkin in case the food case was too hot.

 

"Seafood soup, huh? Who made it?" Sunny averted the topic.

 

"Not me of course. I called delivery restaurant nearby." I took a smaller bowl and

poured some of soup's content into it. I didn't forget to slip the spoon before giving

it to Sunny.

 

"Thanks' babe. You're not eating?" Sunny halted her intention to shove the spoon

into her awaiting mouth.

 

"Nope. I've eaten my portion. I wil just accompany you enjoying your dinner." I

lied again. In fact, I haven't eaten anything since Yoochun summoned me more

than 6 hours ago. Yes, I'm hungry but no, I don't have any appetite left in me.

 

"Oh okay then. Thank you." Sunny smiled sweetly to me. If only what Yoochun

had said is wrong, I'd be more than willing to spend my days or even years with

this woman. I don't care about the age difference because what I've seen is

someone who's so sweet and hardworking, not to mention care and full of energy.

Sunny-ah, please don't break my heart?

 

"What's in your mind?" Sunny was chewing the shrimp and parted its head from its

body. She then put away the head and ate the rest of it.

 

"Huh?" I was too busy in my own musing that I forgot to act perfectly in front of

her.

 

"What are you thinking? Is there any problem at work? Or is it Jessica again?"

Sunny slurped the soup vividly. And she told me she didn't have any appetite

before. Tsk!

 

"Uhm.. Not really but yeah, I met her this afternoon when I was about to go inside

the elevator but nothing happened. She wanted to come out when I came in. We

just passed each other. That's all." I told her the truth but I lied partly because that's

not what's intruding my mind at the moment. It's Sunny and Tiffany's warning

about Sunny. Is it possible that her premonition is true?

 

"Ah, I see. So that's why. Don't worry, babe. You still have me, don't you? What

else that you need, huh? And don't you dare to cheat on me, Kim Taeyeon!" Sunny

pointed her spoon toward my face. I chuckled bitterly inside my heart. How can

she say that to me when there's this big posibility that she's the one who's cheating?

Or even worse, I'm the one she's been cheating with? I feel another pang inside my

heart yet I pretend not to feel it.

 

"Chill, babe. If I have intention to cheat then why should I bother telling you the

story every time I encounter Jessica? Right?" I faked a smile. I saw her flinching

for a second there. So I guess it's true, huh? What do you expect, Kim Taeyeon?

Sunny is a perfect girl while you are filled by nothing but flaw. Bad luck Taeyeon;

maybe that name suits me.

 

"Okay, I believe you. Ugh! I'm so full right now." Sunny again changed the topic.

Maybe she doesn't want me being skeptical if we continue the topic further. Great

job, Taeyeon! There's more than 50 percent possibility that you are indeed Sunny's

secret lover. My heart clenched hearing myself saying those words.

 

"Now it's time to burn my calories! I'm pretty sure that the soup filled with shrimp,

squid, and such has many calories. Help me to work out?" Sunny approached me

and looped her arms around my neck.

 

"Uhm.. I think we have dvd about circuit training so sure, let's work out." I yoked

my poker face and tried my best to look innocent even though I knew it would be

fail since we've passed the highest stage in relationship.

 

"Circuit training, eh? Can we do that on bed?" Sunny didn't give up. She stepped

closer, completely closing the gap between our bodies.

 

"Yep, we can if you want your bed to be wrecked." I knew I would be losing and

that any attempt I'd try would be futile. This was just the effort to prolong the

situation before we proceed to the real action.

 

"Ah then it's not an option. Let's take a safer choice. You, me, bed which will

result sweats, calories burned, and satisfaction. Do you have any idea?" Sunny

leaned in until our lips touched everytime she blurted out word.

 

"Sleep without air co?" I improvised and I saw her giggling with my stupid reason.

 

"Oh stop it, babe. Let's just move and have the making-baby-proccess, shall we? I

hate holding back myself when it comes to you." Sunny closed the gap and kissed

me feverishy. I sighed silently before kissing her back.

 

Why should I always be the one to understand? I wanted to be understood too

sometime. I understand why my father has heart to kick me out. I understand why

Jessica hates me with all her might. I understand why my office colleagues mock

me and insult me. I understand why Sunny loves to have sex and how she's so tired

right now that I don't have heart to talk it out regarding whether she really has a

fiancé or not. Am I that easy? Now that I remember, only Tiffany who's kind

enough to always understand me and patiently direct me and guide me to the right

path. Aah.. I think I miss her now. I hope she's alright.

 

"Let's take this to the bedroom, babe." I forgot the fact I was kissing Sunny. Oh

wow! Am I really that pervert until I can freely have my mind out of nowhere yet

my lips still busy doing its job.

 

"Come on! I can't wait to feel your hands ghosting my body!" Sunny walked

briskly, brought me together with her. Her hands were busy unbuttoning her own

shirt on the way to bedroom. That night, I let lust took over again. One day more,

Taeyeon. Yes, bear it for another day and you'd know your destiny.

----------------------------------------

 

"That was great!" Sunny breathlessly told me. Yes, we just finished the session by

now and yes, like usual I did the entire job while she would enjoy every touch,

nudge, kiss, and any other treats that I made.

 

"Is that a compliment?" I asked while staring at the ceiling, trying to inhale an

amountful of oxygen. No wonder if my weight couldn't gain until now even I

always ate like a pig.

 

"Obviously, babe. You're amazing in bed that I can't help for asking more and

more rounds as additional." Sunny turned to my direction and snuggled closer.

 

This is my favorite moment. I'm not saying that I don't like sex but I prefer the

after sex session moment. She being close to me, resting her head on my shoulder

and we can talk animatedly about anything to nothing. As much as I love this part,

I think I need to get back to earth and discuss the matter. I'm afraid I will abort my

intention to ask her and accept whatever the fact is or worse, I will pretend I know

nothing and keep living with her as her secret lover until she decided to... No no

no, I better ask her right away before my imagination beating my consciousness.

 

"Babe, we need to talk." I grazed my palm over her bare back tenderly and I felt

her relaxed under my touch.

 

"Uhm, is this going to be a serious one?" Sunny draped her arm on my stomach

and yes I have to admit that I like it. Sigh. This is going to be difficult.

 

"Yeah." I replied shortly. However I still rubbing her back tenderly. I think it's a

habit now. Sigh again.

 

"What's wrong? Did you cheat on me? Did Jessica finally realize her stupidity and

confess to you?" Sunny sat up and leaned her back to the bedpost, didn't care the

fact that she's topless.

 

"Hahaha..." I laughed bitterly, so poignant that I felt tears stinging on my eyes.

 

"Why are you laughing so hard?! Tell me, Kim Taeyeon!" Sunny grabbed my

shoulder and shook me.

 

"I should be the one to ask you that question. What am I to you actually? What are

we? What is your feeling toward me? What, Sunny, what!!" I slapped her hands

away from me. I even subconsciously raised my voice and yes it was the first time

that Sunny's eyes went wide.

 

"What do you mean? Why are you behaving like this?" Sunny was too shocked.

She softened her gaze and asked me. She stretched her hand to touch me but I

scooted further to avoid it.

 

"Look at this and tell me the truth!" I stated firmly. I retrieved the picture inside the

drawer and showed it to her. Again her eyes went wide but this time it looked

wider that her eyes almost fell from its socket. So it's really true, huh? I prepared

myself for the pain for coming.

 

"Wh-where did you get this?" Sunny stammered and her eyes deeply glued on the

picture lay on the bed. She didn't even want to move her hand to take it.

 

"It doesn't matter where I got this from. Just answer me, Sunny-ah. Is he really

your fiance?" I tried to control my anger and emotion. I kept my composure as best

as I could.

 

"I-I.. I'm sorry." Sunny finally said it yet her words are too blurred to even be

understood or comprehended. She bit her lower lips and dodged my gaze. She

diverted her eyes to anywhere but me.

 

"So it's true, huh? That you already have him and that I'm nothing but your

complement needs, a media to let out your lust on, a side dish when you've finished

with your main course, a game when you feel-"

 

"You know it's not true!" Sunny cut me off. I saw her glistening eyes but it didn't

change my conviction nor my foundation. It's all or nothing, Taeyeon-ah! For once

in your life, you have to fight for your pride!

 

"Which one is not true, huh? The fact that you have heart to make me your secret

lover? Or are we even lovers at the first place? How can we be lovers when we

never say I love you to each other??!!" I surprised with my own statements. It's

true. We've been living together and knowing each other for some time yet never

once 'I love you' words slipped from either of our mouth.

 

"Wha-.... I didn't mean to-"

 

"Cut the explanation, Sunny. I don't need to hear it if it only will rub the salt to my

already wounded heart!" I discarded the blanket out and stood up to wear my

pants.

 

"Listen to me first, please. I know I'm wrong and that there's nothing can change

the fact. I also realize I'd be too selfish to even ask you to hear out my explanation,

but at least let me elaborate my true feelings for you? Regret will forever haunt me

if I don't say what I'm about to say to you now. I don't even think there will be

another chance if I let you leave now." Sunny hugged me from behind. I could feel

wetness on my bare back and yes, I knew it was her tears. I would punch myself

later for being weak.

 

"Explain now and stop crying. I should be the one who's crying because explicitly

I'm the one who's being hurt and deceived at the same time." I left my pants on the

floor and ignored my naked state. I went back to the bed and sat on it. She

followed me and sat beside me.

 

“You may not believe what I’m going to say and I won’t blame you for that since I

practically have deceived you so badly but I dare to put my life on it that what I’m

about to say is true and coming from my heart. It’s your choice whether you want

to believe it or not.” I nodded at Sunny’s remark and gestured to allow her to

continue.

 

“Firstly I want to say I’m sorry and I understand if you won’t accept my apology.”

She halted and looked at me. I looked back at her indifferently. She let out a deep

sigh and continued.

 

“Yes I admit that at first I was just consumed by my curiosity toward you. I mean I

love your writing so much, especially the part where Yoona played a very good

part as a loving husband or boyfriend. It irked me to want to have a boyfriend as

kind as her too, you know the type of lover who can cuddle me, pamper me, spoil

me, and understand me to the point he will lecture me instead of being angry with

me if I forgot something due to my busy work, he will ask me how’s my day

instead of waiting for me to ask him first, he will always pat my head and ruffle it

to show his love to me but well, as you can see, he’s nowhere to be found and we

communicate with each other through messages only, not even Skype.” Droplets of

tears started to dampen her flawless face. I wanted to clean that face from the tears

but I held back. I needed to stand on my ground and retain my pride no matter I felt

sorry for her.

 

“And I swear I didn’t know that you were my favorite author the day I carelessly

introduced myself to you. I only knew curious with the gossip around talking about

a particular girl named Kim Taeyeon being gay and all. That’s why I braced myself

to dig up more information about you.” Sunny initiatively brushed the tears away

with her palm while I couldn’t do nothing but hearing her and staring at her. I feel

bad for her but more than that, I feel bad more about myself.

 

“Eventually you revealed your true self to me and I couldn’t help but cheering and

throwing confetti inside my heart. And those curiosities kept growing without me

knowing. I had faith that the character you wrote would somehow similar like you

in real life and yes, I was willing to try and find it out. The more I knew about you,

the more I feel intrigued to be closer to you and be more than we were at that time.

One day when we had lunch together, I deliberately tempted you and yes I

successfully got you hooked. We kissed that day and since then the things we did

kept leveling up until we finally made love like what we just did now.” She

blushed with her own words. Make love? Did I hear it wrongly?

 

“I had fun, so much fun with you. I mean, it turns out that Yoona’s character is

nothing compare to yours in real life. You have everything a lover want in you,

Tae and I mean what I say. You are so humble, full of understanding, have a warm

heart, caring, and so loveable. You never protested even when I came home late.

You never even complained every time I forgot or broke my promise. You never

demanded anything from me even when you have a right to do so. You keep

fulfilling my needs and even lusts.” I stirred and changed my expression a bit.

 

“I know it well, Tae. I’m not blind you know. I can differentiate when you’re in

mood to have sex and when you’re actually don’t want to but you don’t want to

make me disappointed so you’d just give in at the end. And that’s the more reason

why it’s not that hard to fall in love with you. Your words are always filled by

sweetness and so does your behavior.” I pursed my lips tight. I unheeded the itch to

ask whether-

 

“And yes I love you if you’re wondering. I know I have a fiancé already but it

doesn’t mean I can’t love again, right?” I didn’t know how to react to her

confession. In normal state, maybe I would jump out on the bed for being too

happy but unfortunately, I’m not into normal circumstances right now.

 

“I should be happy if I didn’t know your actual relationship. Where is your

fiancé?” It’s my turn to ask. The tears went out alive again and filling up her eyes

yet I pretended not to see it. I wanted to cry too but I don’t want to look more idiot

if I spilling my tears because of it. I’ve hurt too much to even remember how to cry

properly. Pathetic, right? And I even thought I have save enough tears if I needed it

like now.

 

“He’s in State to get his master degree.” I nodded and continued.

 

“I see~ So you deliberately utilized this chance to seek for another person to

distribute your personal needs, huh? Lust, love, call it whatever you like yet it

doesn’t change the fact that you only exploited me and my idiocy, made me being

more worthless than I already was. I can’t believe this is happening to me! I don’t

know whether I was too naïve to even think that we could be something or it was

you who is too evil and cruel to do this to me!” I had difficulty to control my wrath

and coincidentally said hurtful things. I let my emotion control my logic now and I

don’t even care about it.

 

“It’s not like that! I never intended to use you or utilize you-“

 

“And yet you did. Come on, Sunny-ah~ Stop trying to divert things which are too

obvious to even be changed. You really don’t need to soften the words or try to

find other vocabulary just to make me feel better because it’s useless! I feel hurt

and betrayed already and there’s nothing you can do to change it or make me feel

better!” Her eyes were red yet it still could successfully pour out endless tears.

 

“I’m not!! And stop cutting me of!! You are not stupid! Naïve maybe and innocent

clearly but not stupid! And yes I can’t lie that I have tremendous lust over you but

it’s not what made me wanting to stay with you or have this kind of relationship

with you. I never planned it to be this way too, Tae. Hurting you is the least thing I

want to do.” Sunny said it in frustrated voice. She grasped her hair and muffled out

some sobs. I wanted to hug her, really but I didn’t do it. Why? Isn’t it obvious

enough?

 

“It’s futile, Sunny. I’m hurt already. And what kind of relationship are you talking

about? What are we or at least, what were we?” I said with the same exasperation.

I clutched my heart tightly; the spot where I feel hurt the most. Eventually, the

tears I’ve been holding back flooding out from my eyes and yes we both looked

like watching tragedy movie with overloading tears like these. Well, it’s my

tragedy story after all.

 

“……………..” She sealed her lips, unable to provide me an answer.

 

“I see. I can even be called your personal slave on bed and no one will even protest

about it, including myself. Tsk! What a great luck you have there in love field,

Kim Taeyeon!” I mocked myself and couldn’t help but feeling worse. The tears

didn’t know when to stop either. Great, isn’t it?

 

“Don’t call yourself like that. You know it’s not true. Haven’t my behavior and

treatment toward you explain something about how I really feel about you? Yes,

there’s lust but aside from that, I did all those because of love. I love you, Kim

Taeyeon!” Sunny clutched my arms and forced me to look at her eyes. I did and

that’s when I regret for doing so. Her eyes are swollen and red, her nose is puffy,

in short she looks terrible but should I feel guilty for that? Is it because of me? It’s

she herself who did this to us, right? Tsk! There’s no us, Taeyeon-ah and there will

never be us.

 

“Can it change the fact that you’re taken? That your heart may be mine but not

your body; that I can never have you completely; that you’re officially him and not

mine; that there’s this huge possibility you will discard me like used thing when

he’s home; that I have to accept the wretched thing that I have to share you with

me? Until when, Sunny-ah? We both know I shouldn’t be here and this is wrong.”

This time I gulped away my sadness and wiped her tears away. I knew in no time I

would leave so better to make it worthy while I still can, right?

 

“I’m so sorry, Taeyeon-ah. Can you wait a little longer?” Sunny hugged me and I

let her.

 

“What do you mean?” I pulled away to see her right into the eyes.

 

“I will fix this. I will clean up the mess I’ve made. I will try to be fair to both of

you. Can you at least wait until he’s back?” Sunny sniffed and I hugged her again.

 

“Do you love him?” I didn’t answer her question. No, until I know what she has

for her fiancé.

 

“I did. I don’t know what I’m feeling for him now but yes I used to love him

dearly.” I’m glad she chose to be honest with me this time.

 

“Well then learn to love him again when he’s back, okay?” I fixed her bangs and

smiled at her sincerely.

 

“E-eh? Wait, why does it sound like you wanted to give up on me, Tae?” Sunny

frowned and I smiled again.

 

“You’re not mine in the first place, Sunny. I’ve committed a big sin when I

decided to swing my preference and officially become a gay, then I’ve become an

insubordinate daughter for my parents, lastly I’ve become a person you’re cheating

with and I’m not proud of it. I know I’m a sinner but I don’t want to make Him

hate me more. I also want to be the citizen of heaven you know.” I told her sadly.

Tears drenched my face remembering each and every wrongdoing I’ve made in a

short period of time.

 

“You’ve got promises to keep. You’re engaged, remember? And now I that I’ve

understood it better, it’s not completely your fault; partly it’s my mistake. I never

asked you whether you were single or not, right? Besides, I also haven’t confessed

to you officially and you too never actually stated that we’re an item somehow, did

you? So yeah, I won’t blame you for what I’ve been experienced. It doesn’t lessen

the painful feeling but at least I can think more clearly and not possessed by my

unstable emotion.” I caressed her cheek tenderly and she closed her eyes. Drips of

tears came out when she blinked and I kissed those tears away.

 

“Isn’t there any other way, Taeyeon-ah? I know I never once said I’m in love with

you before but because I never fell this hard in a very short period of time and it

devastated me. It made me confused and afraid at the same time. Those feelings

too were the reason I forgot about my current status, the fact that I’m taken. Please,

Taeyeon-ah~ give me some time and I’ll break the engagement off.” Sunny

pleaded me. She buried her face on my bare chest and it made feel saddened.

 

“It won’t be fair to him, Sunny. He deserves better than that. I don’t want to be the

third wheel in your relationship. As much as I want to, I cannot stay.” I ran my

fingers through the strains of her hairs.

 

“You won’t! Like I said, I will break off the engagement! I can even do that now if

you want but please don’t leave me?” Sunny held me tighter.

 

“Just think of me as a fling that will be gone in a blink. Come on, Sunny-ah, you’re

a grown up person. Act like a mature person does, will you? You know it’s not

easy for me too. Put yourself in my shoes and you will know that my place is

worse than yours. We will meet again but not as lovers. I’ve got to be cruel to be

kind so you can move on and get on with your life.” I slowly pushed her away

from me but she resisted with all of her might.

 

“I don’t love him, Tae! I want you and only you~ Why can’t you understand it?!!”

She said it desperately. She cried harder but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s

the best for both of us and I’m sure of it.

 

“Try to learn to reminiscence your good memories with him. Remember every

little thing that he has done to you until you agreed to marry him sometime soon in

the near future. You’re a smart girl so I’m sure it’s not hard for you to do that.” I

tried again and this time she followed. I held her shoulder and kissed her forehead.

 

“But what if I can’t?” Sunny made another excuse and I chuckled sardonically.

 

“You can if you stop trying to compare me with him. I know I’m the best out there

but our destiny says otherwise. We’re just not meant to be, Sunny-ah.” I calmed

her down.

 

“I’m sorry for doing this to you.” Sunny finally gave up. I hate seeing her dejected

face because it makes me feeling guilty and reminded of my own heartache.

 

“I’m sorry for myself too.” I sighed.

 

“So this is goodbye then?” She asked me again and I nodded.

 

“Yes, this is goodbye, Sunny-ah. You need to go back to your fiancé, the reality

because what we have right now isn’t real. I’m just your imaginary lover while he

is the real one.” Sunny cried more.

 

“Can I have the last kiss then?” Sunny looked up.

 

“Sure.” I agreed to her request and leaned in to capture her lips. She kissed me

differently, it’s like she wanted to convey her feelings through the kiss. I feel loved

and touched yet it was too late for all that now. I’ve made a determination and

won’t back out. I parted our lips to breath yet in mere seconds I felt her lips

recaptured my lips again. I understand and let her kissing me hardly for the last

time.

 

“I love you, Tae and I’m sorry.” She confessed.

 

“You hate me that much until you can’t even say I love you back, huh? I guess I

deserved it.” She said it to me when I didn’t reply her. Her statement hit me hard. I

can’t even say I love you up until now! Does it mean that actually I don’t have

feeling as deep as love for her? Then it makes her the victim and I’m the villain,

right? Oh my God, this news is too much for me.

 

“Tae?” Sunny called me.

 

“Yes? I’m sorry too, Sunny-ah.” She looked down when she didn’t hear me saying

I love you to her.

 

“And I love you too.” I lied to her. This is the least thing I can do to lessen my

burden and guilty feelings.

 

“Thank you for everything.” She stated genuinely.

 

“Uhm. The same goes with me. Thank you for teaching me what love means.” I

hugged her for the last time and got up to dress up.

-------------------------------------

 

“Where will you stay then? Why don’t you spend your days here while trying to

search for cheap apartment? He won’t come until next 6 months you know.” Sunny

watched me packing up the rest of my things inside my luggage.

 

“And continue committing sin? You know you won’t be able to control yourself if

I’m around, Sunny so I’m sorry I have to refuse your offer.” I didn’t look back and

continued doing what I’m doing.

 

“Nah, it won’t be that bad, Tae. I promise!” Sunny argued.

 

“Second base is a no no too, Sunny. I can live in cheap hotel while trying to see for

the apartment. Besides, my boss has given me two days off so might as well using

it to look around. Don’t worry, I’ll be okay~” I zipped my luggage and stood up.

 

“Can we at least be friends, Tae? I don’t want to lose someone as nice as you

completely.” Sunny approached me when she saw me had been finished with

packing task.

 

“Can you not kiss me whenever we’re in private place? Can you have your hands

off of me whenever we walk together?” I asked at her and yes her arms already

wrapped around my neck by now.

 

“You can’t, can you? Then the answer is obvious.” I pried her hands off.

 

“I will try, Tae! I promise! I can even call you by your real name now! No baby,

darling or whatsoever!” Sunny debated back. She looked so cute doing that.

 

“Try all you want but I’m not sure the result will be different.” I chuckled and

ruffled her hairs. The thing I loved to do the most with her and I’m sure if she

really loves me, she will be remember this when I’m gone.

 

*DDIIIINNN!!*

 

“The taxi is here, Sunny-ah. I have to go now.” I told her and dragged my luggage

to the front door followed by her behind.

 

“I can still see you, right?” Sunny sadly asked me when I was busy throwing my

luggage into the taxi trunk.

 

“Of course. We work in the same building remember? Thank you for providing me

a shelter when I needed it the most. I am indebted to you. Be a good lover for him,

okay? You’re capable to be the best lover out there because I’ve experienced it

myself. Live well, understand?” I patted her head for the last time and her eyes

twinkled.

 

“I love you, Taeyeon-ah.. You too live well, understand? Thank you for everything

and I promise I will never forget what we have had together. It is the best moment

of my life.” Sunny jumped out to hug me and soon enough I fell something wet on

my chest.

 

“No matter how good the memories we’ve engraved together, you still have duty

to create a more beautiful one with him, okay? Don’t forget to send me the

wedding invitation.” I pulled away and thumbed her tears.

 

“I have to go now. Goodb-“

 

“Don’t say it!!” Sunny covered my mouth with her palm.

 

“Okay okay.. I’ll see you around then?” I changed my words and she nodded.

 

“I’ll see you around.” She tiptoed a bit and pecked my lips. I smiled and kissed her

a little longer before stepping back and climbed into the passenger seat on the

back.

 

I saw her standing still through the rearview mirror. I feel bad for her, me, us. I

also thought we could be real and maybe could sealed our relationship into

marriage but dreams have turned into tears, our cruel destiny has banished my wish

and there’s nothing I can do. I directed the driver to the hotel’s address. On the

way there, I tried my luck and type the message to a certain someone whom I’ve

been longing for some time.

 

From: Taeyeon

To: Tiffany

“Hey, Fany-ah, how are you? I just want to let you know that you are right. No, she

didn’t cheat on me. Worse, she cheated on her fiancé with me. I know I know,

you’ve warned me about this so yeah please laugh as hard as you want. Sigh, do

you even know who I am? Have you erased my number? I understand it if you did

that. Well, I miss you and I know it’s not proper to say this when I just ended what

I had with Sunny. You know what’s worst amongst all? The fact of me being a

villain instead of victim. She said she loved me and I couldn’t even reply the same

words sensibly. Crazy, right? Haish! What am I blabbering about! I’m so sorry for

what I’ve said to you before. You don’t have to reply this message if you still mad.

Be healthy and energetic always, okay! ^^”

 

I sent her with closing eyes, afraid that the message would be forever pending in

case she had blocked my number like what Jessica had done before. The checklist

form made me startled! It was delivered!! Oh My God!! My eyes didn’t betray me,

did it?! I was daydreaming and staring at my phone screen when it beeped.

 

From: Tiffany

To: Taeyeon

“I told you so, author. I hope you are okay and please don’t think that you have bad

luck in love field. I believe everyone has experienced the same thing like you. Be

strong okay? And no, I’m no longer mad at you. I think I can understand why you

did what you did. I should’ve seen from your point of view too and didn’t act

carelessly like that. Who would believe in unproven premonition anyway, right?

But I’m happy that it has over now and that you don’t love her because it will be

harder for you to accept it if you’ve fallen for her. I have forgiven you long ago,

author and yeah, I miss you too. We can talk as usual, right? So hurry up and sign

in so we can catch up what we’ve missed!!”

 

I smiled reading her message. She’s indeed still the only person who can

understand me best. I can’t wait to arrive at the hotel so I can chat with her again!!

I guess the saying is true somehow. There’s always sunshine after the rain! But for

me, that remark doesn’t stop there! Tiffany is my sunshine after the rain, my rain

when the dry season comes, and my source of warmth when the winter comes.

Cheesy? I don’t care if it related to Tiffany! And if you haven’t acknowledged up

until now, then I will tell you. Yep! Tiffany is the girl whom I actually love. I have

no doubt with that and I can’t wait to catch up where we left off, meet her, and

confess my true feeling! I hope this time will end well because I don’t think I can

withstand another heart break! Tiffany-ah!! Wait for me!! I will catch you! Or I’ll

be more than happy to let you catch me! Kekekkee~~

----------------------------------------------

 

Nothing Better

 

A month passed since that time, the moment when I decided to move out from

Sunny’s apartment and trying to seek for my own place. After wandering around

alone for 3 days in a row, I could finally find the perfect place where I could live

in. The place had only a bedroom, one kitchen, not so big living room, and a

bathroom. It’s small yes but definitely, it’s not shabby. According to my opinion,

it’s perfect, not to mention it’s cheap and the location fits perfectly. It’s only about

half an hour from my workplace using bus or around 15 minutes using private

vehicle such as car or motorcycle since there’s no way I would want to use truck or

worse, bulldozer?! Hahaha.. I know it’s lame T.T

 

It’s such a lie if I’m saying life has been well and indifferent since then. As you’ve

read about my miserable destiny, unfortunately nothing much has changed. My

parents still disown me and none of my family member tried to contact me, not that

I expected they would do anyway, but as their daughter, and their older sister,

don’t I have a right even just a little to hope? Okay, it’s useless talking about them.

It will only result me being crying accompanied by cheap wine I brought in the

street market. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I brought an additional item to my

not so vast apartment. It is a cabinet which especially I bought to put my bottles of

alcohol drinks. Don’t ask why, because they are my best friends now. They would

willingly accompany me in my lonely nights, when I feel secluded and isolated

from the outer world. Now I’m talking like an alien who’s deserted in a world

called earth, aren’t I? Sigh~ Don’t mind me then.

 

Okay, let me answer the question one by one. Where should I start? Sunny? Right.

Since that day, my relationship with Sunny is understandably sprawled. We

become distant and drifting away, but not totally. Sometimes we still have lunch

together but not as often as we used to. Once a week at the very least has enough to

elaborate that we still try to be nice to each other. She however still has difficulty

to control herself whenever she’s around me. She often clings to me, holds my

arm, hugs me before separating to our own floor, and pecks my cheek. Thankfully,

she doesn’t kiss me on the lips as often as she used to. Instead of kissing me

feverishly, she would kiss me passionately and sometime if she doesn’t ignore my

plea in my eyes, she would just peck me shortly on the lips. I’m stupid, you’re

saying? Naah~ For me, it’s called understanding. I understand she needs time to

adjust to our new situation and time is the only thing I can give since my heart has

been practically taken by a certain someone. Who? You’ll know soon enough.

 

Now now now, let’s move to uhmm~~ Tiffany? Hahaha.. My favorite topic is her

nowadays!! We continue where we left off. We’re good. Ehmm, how should I tell

you about her? I don’t know but I keep being nervous whenever I remember her,

either her face or simply her name. We chat every day, through any chatting/social

media that we both have. If she’s busy in her campus or me being busy in my

workplace, then sadly we would stop messaging each other. The fact that she has

been officially graduated doesn’t change the bitter truth that she’s still busy around

the campus. She just got a project given by her supervisor regarding the campus

accreditation or something like that, I couldn’t remember clearly. What I know that

she is often being busy at day and comes home late and since she comes home late,

being too busy in campus, she would be very tired, too tired to even sit on her

usual place to chat with me. Sigh. Just when I found her again and sure about my

heart, this thing has to happen. I guess, I really have bad luck in love field, no? T.T

and her being busy and tired is one of the reasons why I let wine, tequila, and

vodka to accompany me instead of her. The more, the merrier, right? Say yes to

vodka, tequila, and wine then!! Wohhoo~~

 

How’s my work and my relationship with Jessica? My work is great! I mean, just a

week ago, I got a raise in my salary by 30%! How great is that! Ooh, how I love

Yoochun now and his wife, errrmm Jun Su Yeong? Darn, I forgot his name, Oh

whatever~ Yoochun said I deserved it since I have dedicated myself and proved

myself worthy for the company. He also rewarded me a bonus which I have used

to buy myself a new bike, scooter actually. It’s surely not better than the previous

bike I owned but it’s better than nothing at least. What’s the color? It’s blue of

course! My favorite color before pink!! I know you must be grimacing hearing I

love pink. Ermm,, the actual reason was because Tiffany loves pink and then I love

Tiffany so I love pink. There, I say it (hiding myself under the desk).

 

Sigh. Honestly talking about her is the topic I’d love to avoid the most but then

again I know you have right to know about it too so yeah, I will try to explain it in

the shortest way possible. Luckily there’s close to nothing happened between me

and Jessica lately so there’s nothing to tell~ She’s still Jessica while me is still me,

the timid, introvert, gay Kim Taeyeon. We never talked nor had any interaction

toward each other. I don’t know how she’s doing recently and I’m trying hard not

to care. No matter how rude her way in rejecting me, she’s still my best friend or

you can add ex before the word of best if you want. Surprisingly, when I said I

don’t know, I really mean it. I don’t know her relationship with Donghae, I don’t

know with whom she spends her holidays, I don’t know what she’s doing in her

free time. In short, I don’t know~ I treat Jessica as part of my history that I can

never erase and that’s that. No matter how much I want to hate her like she hates

me, I know I can’t. She’s the one who taught me love. With that, how can I hate

her?

 

What about my side job as the writer in AFF? Well, I still do that too in my spare

time, especially when I have no work at office or when I’m in my sober state when

I want to stay normal instead of drunkard. The number of readers keeps increasing

thankfully. I’m just happy that there are many people around the world who like

my writing. Sometimes I wonder, can I ever get a friend as kind as Tiffany in that

site? Who knows I can befriend them, right? But not more than that since they

practically live thousands of miles away from me so even I want to have romantic

relationship with one of them, I know the chance is tiny to meet her in live. I may

be naïve and innocent, but I’m not stupid. Only Tiffany can call me stupid, or even

stupider than donkey. Sigh now that I’m talking about her, I miss her. What is she

doing now? I typed a message to her and send it.

 

I look at the clock on my table and it’s close to lunch time. I shut down my

computer and leave my table, intending to have lunch. Not long after, my phone

vibrates and it’s a message coming from the one whom I miss the most. She said,

she’s still in campus, currently busy downloading the new movie featuring one of

Girl’s Generation member. I let out a sigh before typing a message telling her to

take care and not to forget to have lunch on time. I’m waiting for the elevator door

to slide and step away. I smile sardonically knowing that there will be no Sunny

any longer waiting for me in front of the elevator. I walk away, heading to the

canteen.

 

I have my food on the tray with me and now I’m looking for a vacant spot where I

can enjoy my lunch alone. I find one! A great place too since it’s near the window.

I without any hesitation drag my body to the two-seated table and place my tray of

food on the table. If you feel bad knowing I have to spend my lunch alone, then

please stop feeling sad for me. It’s not like this every day though. Usually, I would

spend my lunch together with Yoochun but since he is currently has an important

meeting abroad so he can’t be here. If there’s no Yoochun, Sunny would offer

herself to accompany me to lunch but she said her work was overload this past

week so she always feed herself with wrapped unhealthy sandwich. She can’t leave

her table even for a mere hour. Having experience in staying together with her for

few months made me know how busy she could be so yeah, I understand it. That’s

exactly why I sit by myself today. Na ah, don’t pity me. I’m alright. I’m chopping

my steak when there’s a girl standing in front of me. How did I know? Easy, her

shadow forbids the sun from penetrating the window.

 

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” A familiar voice I heard; one I can’t forget of

actually but I’m not sure. It’s been some time since the last time I talked with her. I

looked up and there she is, standing so graciously right before my eyes. Wait! Did

my eyes trick me?

 

Oh okay, it’s taken right? You must be waiting for your girlfriend so that’s why

there’s no one sitting in front of you. I should have known. Sorry again.” She

bowed and turned around. What the hell was that? Girlfriend? How did she know

it? It’s not that she cares enough about my well-being, moreover my current

relationship. And why am I talking to myself? Shouldn’t I stop her instead of doing

monologue with myself? Besides, having an old friend to accompany me to lunch

would be better than spending my lunch alone, right? Right.

 

“Wait!” I accidentally grabbed her arm and she flinched with my touch. What a

great thing you did to start over, Kim Taeyeon. I let go of her arm and stood in

front of her.

 

“It’s vacant. I mean, no one will sit there and I’m not waiting for anyone so feel

free to join me to lunch.” Now that’s rude. What are you doing? Get off that smug

of your face. Be more sincere! I scolded myself and slapped my face silently.

 

“Are you sure?” She I hesitating to put her tray of food on the table and yes, I can

notice it alright.

 

“Never been so sure in my life.” I took a liberty to grab her tray and placed it on

the table. Afterward, I went around and placed my butt on my previous seat. Okay,

this would be awkward and I can guarantee that. What do I do? What should I say?

Keep silent and just eat my food. Yes, I’m sure it’s the best option out there.

 

“Where is your girlfriend?” Jessica asked me. I stopped chopping my food and

looked up. I knitted my eyebrows hearing her question. We are practically

strangers now, aren’t we? I’m sure of that since she’s the one who asked me to

leave her alone. I can’t even say hi as her office mate and now she’s asking me

this?! What is she? A heartless woman?!

 

“You don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to, you know. I’m fine

with that.” Jessica added. That remark made me looked at her wonderingly. What

does she have in mind actually? It’s been so long since we talked and now she’s

acting like we’re still best friends for life. I really can’t understand her~

 

“Look, I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you okay? My reaction to your confession

wasn’t the best one and yeah I realize it. I know I’ve been bad, worst perhaps since

I’ve cut any relationship possible between us. I didn’t even want you as my

colleague in work. I’m so sorry for my bad behavior, Taeng. Will you forgive

me?” Her confession surprised me. My eyes automatically grew wide hearing

those words of apology. I don’t know how to respond it. I don’t even know what I

feel about Jessica now. I mean I’m more than sure that I don’t love her in that way

anymore since literally my heart has been taken by another person, but this is too

sudden for me.

 

“You can’t forgive me, can you? I understand. Well, I don’t have a plan to give up

soon too anyway. I’ll try again and again until you can forgive me. I deserved

this.” Jessica chuckled bitterly. It sounded painful though, her forced laugh I mean.

Not long after, I can hear faint sobs. I look at her and find her crying. Her tears are

streaming out from her eyes. No matter how she has been treating me harshly; I’m

still a human too. Moreover, I’ve ever had a special feeling toward Jessica. I don’t

have heart to see her crying because of me.

 

“Here, wipe away your tears first then we can talk afterward.” I took out the

handkerchief from my bag and gave it to her. She took it and muttered a thank you

word. I nodded at her statement.

 

“Sorry. It’s just too sudden for me. You know, we’ve been ignoring each other

since forever and out of nowhere you simultaneously came here and asked about

me and my girlfriend. It’s just surprising I guess.” I smiled at her and gestured her

to continue eating her almost untouched food which is seafood salad as usual.

 

“And before I even have chance to answer that question, you again startled me

with your apology. Eerrmm.. I was kind of lost out there, Jessi. So which one do

you want me to answer first? The girlfriend thingy or your apology, eh?” I tried to

melt the situation. It’s too tense to my liking and seeing her tears is the least thing I

want to see. I hate seeing anyone crying because of me, even she made me much

more miserable before but I hold no grudge against her. I saw her smiling even not

fully, well at least that’s better than her expression previously.

 

“Ehhmm, whichever you want to answer first, Taeng.” Jessica forked her food

unwillingly and brought it to the front of her mouth.

 

“Alright. I’ll answer your first question then. There’s no girlfriend, Jessi. I’m

single and available and attractive and cute and funny and smart and-“

 

“Okay okay, that’s enough, Taeng. I get it already.” Jessica laughed more

heartedly. It made me smile knowing I’ve succeed in making her more relax and

comfortable around me.

 

“Why no girlfriend? I can remember clearly you often having lunch with her, what

is her name again,, Sunny?? Just last week I caught you having lunch with her.

Heck, you even always show off your intimacy in public. Yep! PDA! That’s what

people call it, right?” Jessica tapped her chin with the fork cutely while looking to

the ceiling, trying to remember the usual girl whom I was with.

 

“And now you’re mimicking my bad habit?” I pretended to gasp while she was

eyeing me curiously.

 

“What habit?” Jessica leaned in and asked. If I’m still in love with her, maybe I’d

have difficulty to control myself when she practically leaned in too closer like has

urge to kiss me. Kiss you? Kim Taeyeon, back to earth now!!

 

“Stalking!” I leaned back to my seat; avoiding myself from her face; setting some

gap between me and her. Fortunately there’s this rectangular table between our

bodies or else. I’m happy she can be herself around me, you know clingy and all

but erhmm.. Let’s just say, this is still kind of new for me.

 

“What? Stalking?! What d-do you mean? St-stalking who? I never st-stalk

anyone.” Jessica answered nervously. Jessica stammered? One of the coldest girls

in the world was just stammering?! Wow! Even I ever thought that Snow White

was nothing compare to Jessica; her coldness I mean. Wait, does Snow White even

a cold woman? But her name has Snow in it. if she’s not cold, then her name

wouldn’t be Snow right? Aish whatever~

 

“AHA! Bullseye!! If you didn’t stalk me, then how did you know her name is

Sunny and that we often showing PDA? Tricky Jessi but unfortunately you’re

facing smartass Taeyeon right now.” I smiled in victory. It’s not every day I can

win a debate versus Jessica. I think, chatting with Tiffany has sharpened my debate

ability somehow. I need to tell her about this later. Tiffany again? Focus, Kim

Taeyeon! The woman in front of you now is Jessica, not Tiffany! Aish, pabo

Taeyeon!

 

“Who doesn’t know about you dating with Sunny, huh? The gossip spreads faster

than fire, Taeng. That applies too with the PDA thingy. I’m sure that everyone who

often eats in this canteen sees your PDA too. It’s not only me who notices it you

know so wipe that smug away from your face, please.” Jessica reasoned out. She

smirked like she had won this round. Oh, we’ll see about that, Jessica.

 

“Oh really? Then let me ask him. I often see him eating in this canteen. If he says

as what you said, then maybe yes, it’s my fault for showing the PDA too much.

Ah, if what you were saying is right, he should know about the girl whom I usually

with, right? Sunny I mean.” I intended to stand up when a hand stopped me.

 

“Don’t!” Jessica practically yelled with her high pitch voice. It made me back to

my seat again comfortably.

 

“Okay! I admit, I kind of asked around to gain information about you. It’s not

because you’re too obvious in showing that. Satisfy now?” Jessica gritted her teeth,

either because she’s angry or she simply being embarrassed. Both ways are fine

with me though.

 

“Hahaha,, very. So why did you do that?” I grinned widely. I sipped my

cappuccino ice and waited for her to speak.

 

“Why? Is it wrong to ask around about the latest news regarding your best friend’s

love life?” Jessica shrugged her shoulder. Na ah, you’re going nowhere with that

attitude, Jessica Jung. My beloved teacher has indirectly taught me how to control

my emotion and how to react depend on kinds of situation I’m facing.

 

“It’s not wrong, but it’s weird. Why didn’t you ask your best friend directly rather

than asking around. Not everything that you’ve heard is true anyway. The

justification isn’t certain if you believe in wrong person.” I casually argued. Wuii,

I’ve improved a lot thanks’ to Tiffany. I knew it when I saw Jessica’s shocking

face. Ooh, I should have captured it. Sigh, too late to do that now, Taeyeon.

 

“Sigh. You want to make this as hard as possible, don’t you, Taeng?” I only

smirked in satisfaction hearing her stating that.

 

“Fine, I’ll explain myself then. I’m just worried about you. I guess I still couldn’t

believe that you’ve changed your preference so I seek my own information

regarding the girl you were dating. I didn’t gain much, though. I only know her

name is Sunny and that she works in the same building like us. It’s not that hard to

get her name since she has good position in her department. You got a nice catch,

Taeng.” Jessica gave me two thumbs up yet I could only smile insincerely at her.

 

“Why?” I tried to compose myself better. The pain Jessica ever inflected in me

resurfaced again. The rejection, the decampment, the harsh words, the threatening

treatment, everything mixed and came around again. I clutched the edge of table to

help me to control my emotion.

 

“Why what?” I saw confusion on Jessica’s face. She must be wondering why I got

this expression attached on my face.

 

“Why do you care? You clearly stated that you didn’t want to know anything about

me anymore; that you only wanted me to stay away as far as possible from you.

You didn’t even treat me as your work acquaintance.” I reminded her. Her

expression softened after that. I saw the pleading eyes but it didn’t stop me from

asking her this question. I have a right to know and I want to know.

 

“I.. I still care even after I said those you know. I still couldn’t and can’t treat you

as stranger.” Jessica told me softly. She tried to seek my eyes but I avoided her

gaze. I looked away but it still couldn’t prevent my tears from falling.

 

““I’m sorry, Taeng. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you. I was just afraid that

you could affect me, my preference. I just wanted to be a normal girl who falls in

love with a man. People said that gay is infectious so that’s why I avoided you,

created a safe distance between us. But I regret it all now. It was the stupidest

mistake I’ve ever done in my life and I need to fix my mistake if only you’ll let

me. I hope I’m not too late for that. Will you forgive me, Taeng?” Jessica averted

my face to make me look at her. She used the handkerchief I lent her to brush my

tears away.

 

“Then why are you here now? You said that gay is infectious, so shouldn’t you

distant yourself away from me? I’ve adapted with our situation anyway and I’ve

learnt to accept it. It took a while for me but I’ve come to accept it that we can’t

even be friends anymore. I’m following your request, Jessi. You want me to stay

away from you? I can do that just fine.” I scoffed. I slapped her hand away from

my chin.

 

“And I’ve told you I’m sorry, haven’t I? I shouldn’t have done that to you. You

don’t deserve my rude attitude toward you. I’m sure you don’t want to be gay

yourself but there’s nothing you can do about it, right? I should’ve been helping

you instead of leaving you to bear the problems on your own. I’ve failed as your

best friend, Taeng. I’m so sorry.” Jessica apologized again to me.

 

“Don’t worry, I can understand why you did that. Maybe I would do worse than

you did. Running away and ignoring are much better than slapping me. It’s not

easy to accept that your best friend who has the same gender as you have special

feelings for you, in romantic way too. Thank you for not slapping me I guess.” I

have calmed down and back to my normal state. Having so many problems makes

me learn to adapt to stressful situation faster than normal people do.

 

“And you don’t really have to say sorry. I kind of understand your place now.

Sorry for indirectly accusing you before. If you’re here just out of pity then please

stop doing that. I’m fine by myself you know.” I put down my eating utensils and

wiped my mouth with a clean napkin.

 

“You’re still the same Kim Taeyeon I’ve once known I guess.” Jessica shook her

head.

 

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

 

“You still easily jump into a conclusion. Not everything that you assume is right,

Taeng. Sometimes you should learn to ask the person yourself rather than

concluding it on your own.” Jessica propped her chin on her palm and smiled at

me.

 

“Like I’ve said, I’m here trying to fix our relationship, that if you forgive me. So

before I continue my explanation, would you kindly accept my apology?” Jessica

used her free hand to reach my hand on the table. She held it and waited for my

reply.

 

“I never mad at you, Jessi. Disappointed yes, stress over you yes, but angry no. But

to make it short, yes I forgive you.” I nodded and retrieved my hand gently.

 

“Thank you. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known, Taeng. I’m glad I

didn’t lose you.” Jessica stated and I could only smile.

 

Yes, I admit that I was surprised with the sudden confession. I never thought you

could have those forbidden feelings for me so maybe that’s why I reacted badly to

that. The days followed, I couldn’t sleep normally. I kept tossing and turning on

my bed. Your words of confession echoed in my head and it was so disturbing

because I didn’t know how to stop it.” Jessica said exasperatedly.

 

“I’m sorry.” I muttered and cut her explanation.

 

“Don’t be. I’m not done yet. All of that were too much for me. One side, I was

busy with Donghae who tried to court me while on the other side, my mind kept

thinking about you and your confession. Many questions attacked me on the same

time; you know like since when you have loved me? Why do you love me? What

will happen to our friendship? What do I feel after your confession? And such.

Trust me, it made me stress a lot. It made me became a different person whom I

didn’t even know exist within me before.” Jessica continued. I didn’t utter a word

and let her finish first.

 

“You ever said that Donghae is a jerk right? Well you are right~ He cheated on me

not long after we’re being official. You’re right too when you said he only wanted

to get into my pants. His emotion was getting unstable whenever I rejected his

invitation to his apartment or when I rejected him to come into my apartment. His

rage was getting worse each day until one day he became a totally different person.

It’s like he didn’t care anymore whether I would reject his offer or not. It turned

out that he cheated on me. I saw him gropping a girl in a club when I was there

with my friends. He asked for a second chance but I rejected it immediately.”

Jessica let out a heavy sigh.

 

I’m sorry to hear that.” I patted her hand and told her sincerely.

 

“It’s okay. What’s weird is the fact that it didn’t bother me that much. I was said

and drowned in my own misery but not for long. A week was all I need to

completely get rid of him from my mind. Maybe I never really loved him.” Jessica

ended her story.

 

“Breaking up with him made me able to think more clearly. Honestly, he has

affected me so much regarding my treatment toward you. He disliked you that

much so he was so happy when he knew I wanted to avoid you. I’m sorry, I told

him about your confession to me. I knew it’s unprofessional but I didn’t have

anyone I could run to at that time.” Jessica looked me in the eyes, searching for

anger or wrath reflected from my eyes but I’m sure she found none.

 

“That’s fine. I understand your situation.” I nodded once.

 

“So does it mean that we can be friends again, Taeng?” Jessica hesitantly stretched

out her hand and it made me chuckle.

 

“Are you sure you just want to be friend with me? Not best friend?” I held my

hand in front of her hand but hadn’t shaken it just yet.

 

“I want us to be back to being best friends again but I know my place, Taeng. I’ve

hurt you too much. I’ve caused you so much pain and I’m planning to make you

learn to trust me again. I have faith that time can heal everything, including the

wound that I’ve inflicted to you.” Jessica heaved a sigh. She looked so sad while

saying that. I can find a hint of regret within her eyes.

 

“You’re right. Let’s start by being friends for now and see where it can lead us

into.” I shook her hand firmly.

 

“I’m happy.” Jessica suddenly broke off the silence.

 

“And why is that?” I eyed her suspiciously.

 

“I have you back, I have been freed from that jerk, I’m being single and so are you.

It’s like old time, isn’t it? Except the fact that we’re now mere friends instead of

best friends.” Jessica exhaled deeply.

 

“Hey, don’t say that. In no time, I’m sure we can go back to what we were. You

said time could heal everything, right? Then time is all I need. Give me some

time?” I nudged her and squeezed her hand a bit.

 

“I can give you as much time as you need to, Taeng. By the way, I’ve finished my

story. Now it’s your turn to tell yours. Why did you break up with her?” I smiled

contently before starting to tell my sad love story to Jessica.

 

“She did what?!!” Jessica almost choked by her own saliva.

 

“Hahaha.. Calm down, Jessi. There are many people who are still eating. You

don’t want half of them go to hospital because of your loud voice, do you?” I

giggled. She cleared her throat and mumbled sorry word.

 

“I couldn’t believe it. She’s stupid for doing that to you. Don’t worry, Taeng, it’s

her lost not yours. She just lost the best lover she could ever have. I’m sure a better

lover for you is still out there somewhere, waiting for the right moment to meet

you.” Jessica assured me confidently.

 

“Are you sure, you are Jessica? Because you don’t sound like you are her. Give me

back the real Jessica, please?” I teased her. I didn’t want to remember my

memories with Sunny, knowing that it would only make me feel bad and dejected.

 

“Yah! I’m trying to be care here!!” Jessica again forgot the ability of her voice and

I grimaced hearing her dolphin voice.

 

“Shusshh.. Lower down your voice, Jessi. I don’t want to be kicked out just

because of you.” I threatened her playfully. I’m relieved that somehow I don’t feel

awkward around her anymore and so does she around me. It’s like we never even

fought in the first place.

 

“Ooops.. Sorry. How come you still feel comfortable around her?! Just last week I

saw you still eating with her happily. Are you a masochist, Taeng?! Stop hurting

yourself, will you?” Jessica scolded me with care and I’m grateful for that.

 

“I’m not hurting myself, Jessi. I have my closure and so has she. What she needs

now is time and that’s the least thing I can give to her. I have move on from her,

but what about her? She still can’t. She admitted that she still has special feelings

for me last week. It’s indelicate or even rude if I leave her alone. She still can’t

adapt to our current relationship which is nothing but friends.” I tried to explain the

reason behind my relationship with Sunny.

 

“Are you stupid? It’s not your fault if she can’t move on from you. Maybe it’s

called karma for treating you that way! She’s the one who’s rude, mean, heartless,

anything you may call her for making you the third wheel in her and her fiancé

relationship. She played with you, Taeng! How could you still treat her nicely,

huh?! Now I’m certain that you’re indeed a masochist.” Jessica annoyingly told

me. She huffed and rubbed her own chest, probably because she couldn’t hold back

her emotion or maybe she felt stressed trying to knock some sense into my

brainless head.

 

“Hhahaha..” I laughed and she wrinkled her eyebrows.

 

“Why are you laughing? I’m trying to be serious here, Taeng.” Jessica scoffed.

 

“It’s because you are funny. Didn’t you hear me clearly? I’ve moved on, Jessi. So

it doesn’t hurt me to be at the same room with her. I’m alright now, but she’s not.

No matter how she has used me or maybe toyed with me, she was the one who

gave me shelter when I needed a place to protect myself from rain and cold. She’s

the one whom I could talk to when I needed a person to share my problem. She’s

actually a very nice person you know. Don’t misjudge her like that. Besides, partly

it’s my fault too. I never asked her availability before making myself her secret

lover.” I told her.

 

“I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most.” Jessica bit her lower

lips mumbled faintly yet enough for me to hear it.

 

“It’s alright. We’ve reconciled, right? That’s what matter the most now.” I ruffled

her hair and smiled; a habit that couldn’t be vanished from me up until now.

 

“Thank you, Taeng.”

 

“You’re most welcome. Thank you too for taking chances to approach me

bravely.”

 

Don’t mention that. It was my fault in the first place so it’s my job to ask for

apology. I’m grateful that you haven’t changed at all, in spite the fact that we’ve

separated for few months. But are you sure, you’re okay with Sunny still being

around you?” Jessica asked for affirmation.

 

“Yep! It’s fine. I’m sure. I just hope she can stop kissing me around.” I let out a

chuckle.

 

“She did what!? It’s fixed then!!” Jessica grabbed the table tightly and her gaze

flared.

 

“Eh?” I asked confusedly.

 

“From now on, I will stay around you. I will join your breakfast, lunch, dinner, and

any kind of activity that involves Sunny. I will not let her use you again! I will

prevent her from kissing you!! I will even walk in between your and Sunny’s body.

I will be your loyal bodyguard!” Jessica puffed her chest proudly and patted it

several times.

 

“Excuse me? I can protect myself, Jessi. You don’t have to do that.” I was streaked

by her statements. Why does she sound like a possessive girlfriend? Is it possible

that…. No no, that can’t be happened. Wake up, Taeyeon! Don’t fall into the same

trap twice! You’re not a donkey! Don’t let Tiffany have right to call you a stupider

well-being than a donkey. Just be friends with Jessica, best friends at top, but

nothing more. I don’t want to be hurt again, not with the same person at least.

 

“But I want to.” Jessica insisted. What I’ve known from her is that whenever she is

stubborn about something that she wants, she will keep trying until she gets it.

 

“Sigh. I can’t change your mind, can I?” I dejectedly said and I saw her smiling.

 

“You know me well, Taeng.” Jessica winked at me.

 

“Suit yourself then.” With that, our long conversation ended. We are friends close

to best friends since this afternoon.

--------------------------------------------------

 

I took off my jacket and hang it on the hook behind the door. I took off my shoes

and put it neatly on the shoes rack. The room is dark so I have to roam around my

hand, trying to detect where the light switch is. I found it and clicked it on. It’s

much better now. The apartment is cold and quiet as usual but I have adapted with

that. There won’t be Jinwoon or Jiwoong anymore to open the door for me, there

will be no kisses from my mother which used to greet me home, and definitely

there won’t be any lecture I will receive from my father any longer. It’s sad, I

know but there’s nothing I can do to change the fact. That’s one of the reasons why

I prefer to spend my time outside instead of being inside the apartment. The pains

will be bearable and the memories won’t attack me as fast as when I am inside the

apartment.

 

I found my way to my favorite place whenever I’m reminded of my family or the

sad love story I’ve experienced. Yeah, it’s of course the alcohol rack. I looked

through the transparent glass and huffed in disappointment. I forgot to buy some

cheap alcohols the last time I went to market. Fortunately, there are still 3 bottles

remained. I guess, 3 bottles are more than enough to make me drunk, no? I

shrugged and left the spot, intending to get change first before doing anything.

 

I feel much more refreshed after taking a long shower. I dry my towel while

bringing myself to the kitchen. I skipped dinner so I’m hungry by now. I open the

fridge and try to find something simple to be eaten. Chips? Naah, I won’t feel full

with that. Fast food? Naah, I don’t have mood to eat that. I let out a sigh and close

the fridge back. I take an instant ramen inside the cabinet and decide to just eat it

as my dinner menu. It’s pathetic, considering my position and my salary I can earn

each month right now. College life has passed yet here I am still trying to stuff the

ramen to make my stomach feel full. Whatever, as long as I’m full so it’s safe to

drink alcohol. As much as I am careless with my health, I won’t go as far as

suicide myself by drinking alcohols recklessly. I have to at least eat beforehand.

Trying to be healthy despite my bad habit in drinking? Hahaha.. Way to go,

Taeyeon. I laughed bitterly.

 

I have finished the not so luxurious food yet edible enough and threw away the

encasement to the trash bin. I gulped mineral water and walked around, heading to

bedroom to get my cell phone, in case Tiffany contacted me. Wuii! It looks like my

prayer has been answered. I got a message from her! I quickly tapped the message

icon and read the message.

 

From: Tiffany

To: Taeyeon

“Author, are you home already?”

 

I smiled reading her short yet meaningful message. Why is meaningful you asked?

Exaggerating? Whatever! You can’t blame a girl in love to exaggerate a bit, can

you? Moreover when it’s related with the person you love. Hehehe.. I know I

know, I just experienced sad love story but if I keep wallowing, how can I move

on? I want to be happy too, you know and somehow somewhere, my heart says

that I can find my happiness in Tiffany. I’m hoping that my heart won’t betray me

because I’m planning to follow what my heart wants. Screw my brain. I know

Tiffany is a good girl and even she will reject me, I’m sure she won’t do it as rude

as Jessica or worse, toying with me like what Sunny did to me. . I don't wanna

waste another second and press the reply button.

 

From: Taeyeon

To: Tiffany

"Just finished bathing, Fany-ah. Why? Do you miss me that much? Kekeke.."

 

Not long after, I received a reply from her.

 

From: Tiffany

To: Taeyeon

"Not even in your dream, Author. You're free to keep dreaming though.

Hehehehe.. I just wanna say sorry for being unable to reply some of your messages

this afternoon. I was busy and my supervisor didn't let me out of his sight. Are you

busy now?"

 

I'm close to being busy actually. My loyal friends have been waiting for me to gulp

them and enjoy them. Yep! They are no one but Mr. Vodka, Mr. JackD, and Mr.

Wine. What should I answer then? Aah.. Of course Tiffany comes first. I didn't

hesitate to type the message to reply her.

 

From: Taeyeon

To: Tiffany

"Really?? That's great then! Do you want to chat with me? I mean, who knows you

have something to share, right? Because I've finished my task. But if you don't

want to then I'll just go to sleep directly."

 

I don't have to think twice and quickly run to my room to switch my computer on.

We chatted all night long, talking about everything to nothing; her day, my day,

Jessica, her task in campus, etc etc. Just before we ended the chat, I braced myself

to ask the question.

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fany, ah.. I have a question to ask.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Shoot.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “When will you be available to meet me? I want to see you for

real.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Why are you so eager to meet me?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Why are you so eager not to meet me?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Hmm.. You've upgraded to Pentium IV I see,, but still not smart

enough to win against me. I'm busy, author. I can barely have time to myself,

moreover for you. Talk to my manager first, ask her when I'm free so we can set

the time to meet up.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What are you? An artist? -_____-"

 

Scarlethwang: “You're lucky I haven't become one or I'm sure you can't even chat

with me like this casually. I'm not an artist yet I don't have time to meet you, what

do you think if I'm an artist for real? Hahaha..”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fany-aaah..”

 

Scarlethwang: “What? Aish.. I'm serious, author. We can be there for each other

even we can't meet for real. What more do you need, huh?"

 

Kim Taeyeon: “But we've known each other for long! It's been over 5 months yet

we never met! Put yourself in my shoes, don't you want to meet your reader? A

person who's always there for you in your ups and downs? Don't you, Fany?”

 

Scarlethwang: “For starter, how many times I've told you that I don't want to be in

your shoes. It's stinky and full of germs.. Hiiii! Secondly, I'm happy with what we

are. Are you not happy, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I wash my shoes at least once in a month, Tiffany -.- I'm happy but

my curiosity kills me! I will be much happier if we can be friends for real, Fany,

not just imaginary friends or friends in social media world. I want us to be more

than that.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I'm sorry I can't give what you want, author. My son is sick and my

husband loves to gamble and drink. He always beats me up whenever he loses his

game. Our family has a huge debt too to Yakuza. I can't do anything. Our love is

forbidden, too. I don't want to be a sinner. I can't leave my family alone no matter

how much I want to meet you. I'm so sorry, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What?! You have a son already?? A husband?! Are you kidding

me, Fany?! But you said that you're single and available!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahaha... It's a conversation from drama, author! Do you

actually believe what I said??? Hahahha.. I take back what I've said. You're still

Pentium II afterall. PS: I'm single and available but for you I'm unavailable :P”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAHHHH!!! You tricked me!! It’s not me who’s being stupid but

it’s you who don’t know the right time to joke around. Hmmph!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “Tsk! Advocacy~ Well, whatever. So do you really want to meet

me? Like reaaly reaaly?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yes!!! Like really really want to meet you!!”

 

Scarlethwang: “But what if I’m like really really don’t want to meet you?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “Ara ara… But can you promise me some things beforehand?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Eh, why do you sound so serious? What’s wrong? As long as I can

do it, I promise I will do it.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Please don’t bring camera, video recorder, or any devices that can

capture or record. I don’t want my face, ehem I mean my flawless face to be

published carelessly. This face of mine is not public consumption and I tend to

stick with that rule. Can you do that, author?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “-________________________-“

 

Scarlethwang: “You can’t? Then it’s obvious that we can never meet. Goodbye

author~ Adios Amigo~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sigh, remind me again why you can be my favorite reader amongst

the others?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Easy! I’m beautiful inside and out, I’m attractive, I’m a kind

person, I’m smart, even smarter than you, in short, I’m every guys and girls want.

Even my parents up until now still feel proud to have me as their daughter. If that’s

not enough, I can mention numerous things to show how you should be proud to

have me as your loyal reader slash best friend.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Sigh,,, That’s enough, thank you. So, will you meet me?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Stop sighing, author. It’s tiring to mop your nose poop from the

floor, you know~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “YAAAAHHH!!! I don’t have nose poop!!! I always clean up my

nose everytime I take a bath which means at the very least, 2 times a day!

Haisshh!! Why is it so hard to have normal conversation with you? T.T”

 

Scarlethwang: “And now I have to mop your saliva too from the floor. Can’t you

just stop sighing and yelling? Your saliva and nose poop mixed into one and I have

to use floor cleaners to brush it away. What do you take me for? Your maid?

Geezzz, I’m too sexy and hot to be your maid, author~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “That’s it, Tiffany. I think I can have a heart attack or stroke if I

continue chatting like this with you. Poor me for my lifespan won’t be long thanks’

to you~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t forget to make a testament and please insert my name as the

one who can own the money in your bank account but I won’t say no if you want

add your blue scooter too. Hehehhee..”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Oh lord~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Huahahahha!!! Okay okay, I’ll stop now. My stomach is hurt

anyway. You have to be responsible for it, author! Buy me a medicine!!!

Kekekee~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And now you blame me? -.-“

 

Scarlethwang: “Sorry sorry~ Let’s go back to the topic then. So how is it? Do you

or do you not agree with the condition?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Are you serious?? I’m forbidden to bring all that? Geezz!! Why

should I bring camera with me too, anyway? Fany-ah, wipe that smug off of your

face, please~”

 

Scarlethwang: “Kekeke.. Of course I’m just joking author. I have time tomorrow

evening, at 7 pm maybe. Can you make it?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Wait! Did you just agree to meet me?? Did you??? For real???”

 

Scarlethwang: “Okay, cancel it. Pretend that I didn’t say anything~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “NOO~!! Okay okay, I have time tomorrow evening. At 7 pm right?

Where do you want to meet up? Can I give a suggestion regarding the place?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Sure. Try to persuade me, if your description of the place is good

enough then I will say yes.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “I know a café downtown which located near the Han river. The

night view there is amazing! You can see the city light from above and I need to

tell you that this café is on the highest floor of a company building. It’s cozy and

comfortable. They also provide the customers with melodious song, usually its

genre is jazz but every Friday, they will have live music. They have both options;

you can choose either lounge or restaurant. Is it appealing enough for you, Mrs.

Hwang?”

 

Scarlethwang: “How much will it cost to have a dinner there? Based on your story,

it looks like I’d need to spend every penny that I’ve earned from my project job.

Tsk! A big no no, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Now worries, Fany. I can have discount there since my company

has great business relationship with the owner of the café. I personally know the

manager there too. I assure you it will be cheap.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I need you to promise me another thing.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “And that would be?”

 

Scarlethwang: “No matter how my eyes would turn green whenever I see

something sparkling or how I love expensive things, I beg you not to bring a

diamond ring. Please don’t propose me, author. I’m not ready~”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “-_______________________-“

 

Scarlethwang: “Hahahaha… It’s because you describe it like that café is one of the

most romantic place in Soul. It’s never wrong to be suspicious, you know. Who

knows you got bad intention under your sleeve. Ah! I have to bring my pepper

spray in case you want to kidnap me, or worse! You don’t have plan to pour

anesthetic powder into my food, right?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yah! I’m not a criminal! And why should I do that to you?? I don’t

even have any reason to do it! And how can I kidnap you using scooter??? It will

be too much of a hassle for me.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Kekekeke.. I’m just saying, author. Relax~ Your blood pressure

will be high if you easily angry like that.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Fiuh~ Okay. So what is your answer?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Make sure you bring your credit card tomorrow, okay? I will say

yes to your offer. Tomorrow at that café at 7 pm, yes? Send me the address

please.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Nice!! And don’t even think to rob me using my credit card! I

won’t let it happen, Hwang!! I will send you the address later, but in case you can’t

find it, we can meet up somewhere, in a bus station maybe? You just need to bring

a helmet of I can even lend me yours if you want.”

 

Scarlethwang: “I can find it on my own, I’m sure. I will wear red dress in case I

arrive first. How about you? What will you wear?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Uhmm.. I think I will go there right from my office so probably I

will use office attire, dark blue blazer with black pants and white shirt underneath

the blazer. You’re not colorblind, are you? Hehehe..”

 

Scarlethwang: “It’s should be me who ask you that question. I deliberately will use

red dress so you can detect me clearly in case you have colorblind aliment.

Hehehe.. Okay then, I’ll see you tomorrow~ I have to go to sleep early, author. I’m

sorry but I have to wake up early tomorrow. My supervisor asked me to meet him

tomorrow morning.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Alright. I’ll send you the address right after this. Goodnight, Fany-

ah. Have a nice dream.”

 

Scarlethwang: “One more thing, author.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Yes?”

 

Scarlethwang: “Don’t even think to succumb yourself in alcohol, okay? Promise

me that.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Wha- how could you- but I never told you about this. I’m sure of

that.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Intuition? Hehehe.. I have my eyes on you, author. Please don’t do

something that can damage you, either your brain or your body. Alcohol can’t help

you clear your mind nor can it help you to face your problem. You better talk it out

to me; I will try to give you enlightment like what I always did. That if you allow

me, of course.”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “What things that you don’t know about me, Fany-ah? I promise I’ll

stop drinking eventually. Give me some time, okay? I practically have no one now.

It’s not easy to adapt with that. I swear, I’ve tried but well.. I don’t know. I don’t

even know who to trust now.”

 

Scarlethwang: “Take your time, author. Hey, what do you mean by that? You still

have me. Always there, remember? Even when we fought, I never once discarded

you for real from my life. You can trust me, can’t you?”

 

Kim Taeyeon: “Of course I trust you. Thank you for always there for me, Fany-ah.

In spite my dark world and bad luck; at least I still have you who can guide me

patiently to the right path. That’s why I’m so happy to know that you finally

agreed to meet me. I can’t wait for tomorrow! ^^”

 

Scarlethwang: “I’m glad to have you too, author. Cheer up okay? We’ll meet

tomorrow! Gotta go now~ Goodnight!!”

 

She logged out immediately after that. I smiled and scrolled up to see the chat

history. I can’t believe she finally wants to meet me. I will still wear this smile

when I wake up, when I go to work, when I have to work, up until I can meet her

for real! I can’t imagine how beautiful she can be wearing that red dress. She’s

beautiful enough even from the picture alone. Now that I have a chance to meet

her, I bet she will be much more beautiful. Fany-ah, wait for me tomorrow!!

Kekekeke.. Everything is great today! From Jessica who approached me and

reconciled our relationship to Tiffany who agreed to meet me! Thank you Lord!!

Now I want to sleep so I can meet Tiffany in dream before meeting her lively

tomorrow~ Goodnight everyone!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Eternal

 

I take a glance at my wrist watch for the umpteenth time for the last two hours. I

keep looking and afterward, I will just end up sighing. Why is today seemed so

long compare to other previous days I've passed? Is it because it's Friday? Nope. Is

it because today's work is too hectic and too much? Nope. Is it because I'm close to

have nothing to do since Yoochun is abroad? Nope. But it's because today will be

the day where I'll meet my savior, my hero, the love of my life, my salvation, and

no, it isn't Jesus obviously. Because I'm not ready to be called by Him.. But it's

Tiffany!! Tiffany Hwang. Oh Lord I still can't believe I'll finally meet her!!

 

I sigh again seeing it's only 4.30 pm and it seems that God doesn't full agree with

my meeting because today's is a busy day. There are many reports due on the same

day for next week. I haven't even stopped typing, thinking, and frowning since this

morning. The moment I stopped was when I got a break to have lunch which I

passed it with Jessica this afternoon. Jessica has been surprisingly clingy with me

since yesterday's reconciliation. Why? Don't ask me why because I don't know the

answer. I want to know why but since the thoughts of meeting Tiffany keeps

bugging me, I don't think I have a spare time to think about Jessica. Mian, friend :(

 

Oh come on! I want to go home!! And why is the report can't seem to meet its end?

I don't want to bring my work home... But wait! If I bring it home, it means I won't

have time to drink or do anything stupid such as daydreaming, talking to my

dookong, and watching some random shows I don't even know the name. I pressed

enter and didn't forget to save my work. I shut down my computer and checked my

belongings inside the purse. Perfume checked! Comb checked! Simple make-up

tools checked! And the last but the most important one, credit card checked! With

a smile decorating my face, I stood up from my seat and straightened up the

crumples on my pants.

 

"Taenggoo!!" I heard Jessica called me and it made me turn around.

 

"Yes? Hey you're done for today?" I asked while waiting for her to stand up in

front of me.

 

"Yep! Thankfully today's work isn't that much so I can freely enjoy my weekends.

How about yours?" Jessica comfortably linked her arm with mine and led me

walking to the elevator.

 

"You're so lucky! I got mountains of work. I even decided to bring it home and do

it on weekends. Oh well, here comes trouble." I scoffed and she giggled.

 

"Cheer up! I can come over and help you doing your work if you want. I have

nothing to do anyway." Her offer made me startled for a bit.

 

"Eeh??" I asked her with confusion. We're waiting for the elevator now and it

looks like she likes the feeling of linking her arm with me since she doesn't let it go

up until now.

 

"Wae? You don't want me to come to your place? Come on, Taeng! I never visited

your new apartment! And you called yourself my best friend? Tsk! Shameless!" I

smiled hearing her calling herself my best friend. Just yesterday we agreed to save

that for later but maybe our situation has back to normal that she could blurt it out

so casually. It's not that I disagree after all.

 

"Hahaha.. It's not that. Ara ara,, I'll let you know if I got trouble with the work and

send you my apartment address. How's that?" I nudged her waist to send her signal

that the elevator is here. I met her eyes when I looked sideways. Does it mean that

she's watching when we're talking since... No no, that's not possible.

 

"Not good enough! Since you're the one who's need my help, it'll be fair only if

you come to my house and pick me up." Jessica stepped into the elevator followed

by me.

 

"Tsk! What a demanding princess you are. Fine, I'll send you message and pick

you up, that if I need your help. If not then don't expect me to come." I stuck out

my tongue at her.

 

"You'll need it, Taeng. You'll need it." Jessica relaxed and leaned her back. She

nodded in full confident.

 

"Anyway, where are you going after this?" Jessica broke the silence when the

elevator was still going down.

 

"Why?" I didn't answer her. I don't think I have sufficient time to do the

interrogation. Once I told Jessica that I'd have a dinner, she would ask with who, I

answer who and she would ask how I could know the girl, and the question would

go on and on and on and on..

 

"I'm thinking to ask you to dinner if you don't have any plan tonight. I'm hungry

and I'm sure you are too. We didn't eat much this afternoon. So?" Jessica walked

out and waited for me.

 

"Actually, I already have a plan for tonight, Jessi. So maybe next time?" I softly

asked her and she suddenly halted on her spot.

 

"What is your plan???" She abdruptly turned around and asked me. Her sudden act

caught me off guard. If not because of my fast reflex, I'm sure by now my lips

already bumped onto her lips.

 

"I will have a dinner with a friend." I cleared my throat. I'm blushing and she is too

because of the almost kiss each other accident before.

 

"Friend? Which friend? Do I know her?" Jessica eyed me suspiciously.

 

What's wrong with her and her attitude nowadays? It feels like she's possessive,

always curious about me, and jealous? All I know, those are hints of love or at

least attraction. Fortunately, I know Jessica too well to even ask about her

suspicious behavior around me lately. There's no way she would have special

feelings like I used to have for her. Why? Well obviously I can still remember how

she ran away from me, feeling too scared to even reject me properly. That alone

should be enough to define her true feelings for me, no

 

"She's my longtime reader whom I met in AFF. I've known her for some time and

this would be my first meeting with her." I said day dreamingly, forgetting the fact

that Jessica was glaring at me.

 

"What's her name?" Jessica didn't react to my answer.

 

"Tiffany. Tiffany Hwang." I smiled after mentioning my favorite words in the

world. It feels right, amazing, and addicting to say her name with my lips.

 

"Are you sure she's just your reader and friend? Because your face is telling

otherwise." Jessica stated. She moved and stood up in front of me, staring at me so

sharply.

 

"Yes, I'm sure." I nodded to convince Jessica. I hid the continuation of my sentence

which should have been, 'even though deep inside, I hope I can be more than just

friend.'

 

"Can I tag along?" Jessica asked me. I again surprised by her bluntness.

 

"Eh? I- wh-why do you want to come along? You don't know her and she doesn't

know you either." I hope Jessica wouldn't push me to say yes. I want to have

dinner with Tiffany, just the two of us without any additional person, not even

someone who I used to love.

 

"So I'm right. You are maybe friends but deep inside you hope you can be more

than just friends with Tiffany." Jessica nodded at her statement and continued

walking to the lobby. She stopped once she realized I was still on the same spot.

 

"Are you coming?" She turned around and tapped her feet impatiently.

 

"Oh sure!" I quickened my steps and walked beside her.

 

"What time will the dinner start?" Jessica asked. We're walking hand in hand to the

parking area. It's understandable for me for I bring my bike but why is she

following me here? And why again she interlace her hand with me?? O.O

 

"Uhm.. At 7. Why? And why are you here? You bring your car, so you should go

to car parking area, not here." I said while searching for my baby blue scooter.

 

"It's still 5 now. Can you give me a lift? I didn't bring my car with me today."

Jesica hesitantly asked. She looked everywhere but my eyes. Did I hear it right?

She didn't do it purposely, did she? Naah.. Why must she did it in the first place?

 

"What's wrong with your car? But I don't have 2 helmets with me." I found my

bike and opened the baggage to retrieve my jacket.

 

"The engine isn't working well. Maybe I'll have it serviced tomorrow. And about

that! Don't worry, I've been prepared for it!" Jessica said it cheerfully. She went to

the locket and took a helmet from that. Wait!! Why did she bring helmet? So she

did it on purpose alright. But why? Ah why should I think negatively when she just

said the reason. Her car is damaged. There, Kim Taeyeon! Don't be too full of

yourself.

 

"It's still 5 pm and the distance from here to my place isn't that far. Supposedly if

you can make it quick, you can still make it on time, right?" Jessica put on her

helmet while I'm still confuse and can just wondering what she'll do next.

 

"Uhm.. It's okay if you can't drive me home, Taeng. I'll just hail a cab. I don't want

to ruin your first dinner date anyway." Jessica exclaimed sadly. She took off her

helmet again and bit her lower lips hard.

 

"No no.. Sure! I can drive you home first before going to the restaurant. Hop on!" I

grabbed her hand and signaled her to sit on my back. What was I thinking of? No

matter how I can't wait to meet Tiffany, Jessica is still my best friend whom I know

longer than Tiffany. I just wish I can make it on time though. Huff!!

--------------------------------------------

 

"Thanks' for the ride, Taeng. It's been sometime since the last time you drove me

home. I kind of missed it actually." She got off from my bike and I turned off the

engine.

 

"You're right. Send my regards to your parents." I took off the helmet, trying to be

polite around her.

 

"I will. So.. Uhm,, thank you again." Jessica's face became red. Did I see it

wrongly? She's not blushing, is she? I mean,, she doesn't even have a reason to act

this way,, except... No no no.. How many times should I tell you, don't be

arrogant!!

 

"You've said it twice already. Hahahaha.. No worries, Jessi." I ruffled her hair and

smiled warmly.

 

"Do you mind if uhm.." Jessica looked so fragile and shy. What's wrong with her

actually?

 

"If?" I tilted my head and asked her to continue.

 

"If I keep asking you to drive me home just like old time but since you have more

responsibilities such as paying the apartment rent and all, I will pay for the fuel

too.. Errmm.. It's of course if it's alright with you." Jessica reluctantly looked up to

meet my eyes but as soon as I saw her, she avoided my gaze again. Okay, it's fixed

that she's weird! Period perhaps? Yes, that's must be it.

 

"Hahaha.. Of course I don't mind. Just make sure you bring your own helmet. We

will go to and from office together. I'll pick you up at usual time, okay? Yep! Just

like old time." I chuckled. I'm happy with our situation now. It's comfortable, even

more comfortable than we used to.

 

"Roger to that, Taeng!" Jessica faked a salute.

 

"I have to go now, Jessi. I don't want to look bad in my first meeting. I'll see you

tomorrow, okay?" I took a glimpse to my wrist watch and informed her.

 

"Alright. Drive safely." Jessica answered with a sad look. Is period affecting her

that much? I shook my head silently.

 

"I will. Goodbye." I patted her shoulder and took my leave. Just when I was about

to put on my helmet, I felt wetness on my left cheek.

 

"Goodnight." Jessica pulled away and ran a little to enter her house. Now I'm sure

it's not because period. Well, probably it's her way to show her gratitude or to show

her apology for what she had done before. Again, don't be full of yourself, Kim

Taeyeon!!

 

I roared my bike machine and sped up to the meeting location. Aaaghh!! I must not

be late!! I don't want to have bad impression on our first meeting, not to mention

that I was the one who kept forcing her to meet me. If I'm late then I'm dead. What

if she doesn't want to meet me again because I didn't stick to my words? I shook

my head to keep the bad possibilities away from intruding my mind. I made a swift

maneuver and pulled the gas harder.

 

After some crazy driving I just passed, I finally arrive on the

restaurant/cafe/lounge. I walked briskly and gave my bike keys to the valet man.

He seemed surprised for the vehicle isn't a luxury car but a mere scooter. I leaned

in closer and whispered that I have enough money and that I was just too lazy to

drive a car due to huge traffic. He looked like he believed in me because he took

the keys and nodded before smiling at me. I mouthed a thank you word and ran to

the elevator.

 

I went to the bathroom first to tidy up myself, to make myself look more

appropriate and edible. Edible? Hehehe.. Who knows Tiffany's appetite will

escalate once she looks at my face. Crazy? Yeah, I notice it alright. I applied BB

cream, light powder, and beige color lipstick. I smooched and jutted out my lips to

make it even. I brushed my hair and made sure that my face looked alright. I

smiled seeing my creation on my face. I put the last touch which was spraying

perfume all over my body. I use FCUK Friction. The fragrance is sweet and

addicting, just like Tiffany for me. Hehehe..

 

"Excuse me, mam. Have you made reservation? Because our restaurant is always

full at this hour, just like now." The man who's standing bowed to me politely and

asked the question.

 

"Yes, I have a reservation under a name of Kim Taeyeon." The man nodded and

looked on the list board which he held inside his palm.

 

"Kim Taeyeon. Table for two near the window, am I right?" He asked and I

nodded.

 

"Please follow me." He put down the board and led me passed the tables which

mostly had been occupied, either by people who's having family dinner, a couple,

business dinner, etc.

 

"Here is your table. And here is the menu. Do you want to order now or maybe you

want to wait for your friend to arrive first?" The waiter gave me the menu board

and stood up beside the table.

 

"Is it okay if I order later? I want to wait for my friend first." I asked him.

 

"It's okay, mam. Just call me or raise your hand if you need something. Have a

good time." He excused himself.

 

I looked at my watch and it's 10 minutes to 7 pm. Whoaa,, you don't have any idea

how my heart is rocking right now. It's not beating normally for sure.

Exaggerating? I hope I am because, clearly I'm not. My heart is thumping so loudly

that it feels like it wants to leave the ribs. I start sweating even the air conditioner

works really fine. I clasped my hands together and tried to create a friction to keep

myself warm. This nervousness is really killing me. The clock is ticking too slowly

and my body doesn't want to cooperate with me. Sigh.

 

As promised, today, my attire is according to plan. In spite that I have to use work

attire, I think I still look okay. Not that amazing but okay enough. I wear dark blue

blazer with black pants and white shirt underneath. I look sideways and can't help

but admiring the city light through the large glass. Yep! This spot is the best one

amongst all. It's two rows from the corner and the view of Han River is so distinct

from here. I can see the bridge that separate the river in two sides and the building

which surrounds the river. It's beautiful and it will look more beautiful once she

has arrived.

 

It's Friday so it means there will be live music tonight. Humm,, talking about the

romantic view and environment. No wonder, Tiffany felt afraid I would propose

her tonight. I chuckle with her thoughts yet quite right mind. I look around and see

the band is getting ready. There are only 3 people though. One pianist, one with the

violin and the last holds the flute near his mouth. Ah so the theme for today is

indeed romantic dinner. I just hope Tiffany won't get awkward later. But then

again, is it even possible that girl can be awkward, knowing her ability to bully

me? T.T

 

I look around the restaurant once more and by the entrance, I can see a slender

figure wearing red strapless dress standing oh so beautifully, even from the back

view. Her back looks so smooth and perfect, the waistline looks like S letter, her

skin is so white, as white as Snow White, her shoulder length black hair is wavy

and falls perfectly. Is she Tiffany? I'm sure she is because there's no one around

would wear red dress which color is as red as blood. I can see she's walking toward

my table and not even a second I can divert my gaze away from her.

 

"Excuse me, Author. I'm Tiffany Hwang. Kim Taeyeon, right?" I nodded at her

question.

 

I'm still dazed but this time for a different reason. The more I look, the more I'm

sure that she's not the Tiffany I knew. I mean, Tiffany's picture is so different from

the girl.. Wait, is this person even a girl? I can see she doesn't have any distinct

boobs, and her throat.. Is there any apple stuck on her throat that its form can be

weird like that? Geez.. Not to mention her eyelashes.. It's fake, isn't it? Oh my,

who is this person??? But how come she errmm.. Half she and half he knows my

name?! And she even calls me author like Tiffany!

 

"Hello... Can I sit here? It's tiring to stand up for long you know." Oh my, her

voice is so low close to bass.. No no,, bass is for a woman.. But she's a woman too,

isn't she? If not then the name for her kind I mean his kind of voice is alto.. Aish

Taeyeon! You're rude! Tell her or him or whoever it is to sit!

 

"Ah I'm sorry. Please sit, Fany-ah." I stood up and offered my hand.

 

"It's too late for now. Minus one for you, author." She slapped my hand and sat in

front of me. Geez, I know she likes to bully me but I never knew she could be rude

too.

 

"Have you ordered, author?" She read the menu and looked up.

 

"Not yet. I'm waiting for you." I smiled.

 

"Okay, good point. Plus one. You still have complete grade for now. Shall we

order then? I'm hungry." She cleared her throat when her voice sounded too

manly? Seriously, is this girl really Tiffany?!!

 

"Su-sure.. Let me take a look at the menu book first then." I took the menu and

read it.

 

"Don't be too long. I hate waiting." She said while fixing her fringe.

 

Omo! I'm scared of this version of Tiffany. Come on, Taeyeon! Be brave! You've

been waiting too long to meet her and now that you can, why should you be a

chicken and coward like this?! I could swear to God that this isn't Tiffany whom I

saw on the picture before. How can I be so sure?! Because I always spare my time

to stare at her picture every single day! I even have it in my wallet now!! Calm

down, Taeyeon. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Remember that you fall

in love with her not because of physical appearance, but because of her personality

that able to understand you inside and out.

 

"Waiter!!" She raised her hand and I almost fainted at the sight. She didn't shave

her armpit?? Omo! That's so many hair on her... I'm speechless now. Can I back

out? But it will be too mean. Be strong, Taeyeon!

 

"I want caffe latte and apple pie. How about you?" She put down the menu and

waited for me. Didn't she just say that she's hungry? Then why.. Oh the waiter is

waiting. I have to order now. Save the questions for later.

 

"I want chocolate milkshake and-"

 

"Hahahha.. What are you? 10 years old boy? Your office attire doesn't match well

with milkshake, author-shii." She laughed while mocking me. I looked sideways

and found the waiter was trying to hold back his laugh too. What a great dinner

date, Taeyeon!

 

"Fine! I will have Creme Brulee Latte with ice and shrimp scampi pizza with extra

cheese and with a large-sized thank you." I closed the menu book and gave to the

waiter.

 

"Alright. It will take about 15 minutes for the pizza. If there's something else, then

please call for me or other available waiters. Thank you." He bowed politely and

left our table.

 

"S-so, Fany-ah.." I reluctantly called her who was busy playing with her nails art

fingers.

 

"Humm??" She propped her chin with her palm. That collarbone is too obvious and

square,, and her biceps and triceps are come out in unison when she fold her hand

earlier. Did she workout daily? Or is it even possible that she has a part time job as

a personal trainer in gym? Sigh.

 

"Why are you looking so different from your profile picture?" I braced myself and

asked her.

 

"So you're saying that my picture looks so much better than the real me?! Did you

just tell me that you feel regret to meet me?! That it would be better to never meet

at all?! Is that it, Kim Taeyeon?!" She looked so annoyed and uhm.. Angry.

Huwaaa.. I wanna go home and meet Mr. Vodka instead!!

 

"No no.. That's not what I meant. What I'm saying is that-"

 

"OOOPPPAAAA!!!!" A loud voice interrupted my explanation. Soon after another

girl with the same dress as Tiffany came running.

 

"Yah!! What are you doing here?! And why did you wear my dress?! I have to buy

a new yet similar one because of you!!" A girl, a real one now hit Tiffany who's

just called oppa? Okay, this is so confusing.

 

"Ouch ouch ouch!! Stop it Fany-ah! We're in the high class restaurant now! You're

embarrassing us!" Tiffany oppa and a girl who really looks like Tiffany in my

picture are bickering. I can't do anything and just sitting, waiting for them to end

the fight first.

 

"But you!! You're the one who's embarrassing me! This supposed to be my dinner

with Taeyeon but you stole my dress and it forced me to buy a new one since it's

the only red dress I have!! Yaahh! You.. You..." The new coming girl is now

pinching the one whom admitted to be Tiffany.

 

"Aww!! Ouch!! It hurts!! Calm down for a moment, will you? Let's sit. We have

lots to explain to Kim Taeyeon." The scary version of Tiffany caught both of the

beautiful girl's arms and pushed her down to sit.

 

"Look, Taeyeon-shii. You must be confusing now, right?" The scary Tiffany

turned to ask me while rubbing her arms, the spot where the girl pinched her

previously.

 

"Uhm.. Yeah.. What happened here?" I looked from the beautiful Tiffany to the

fake one and vice versa.

 

"I'm actually not Tiffany. My name is Heechul, Hwang Heechul and I'm Tiffany's

oppa. She's the real Tiffany." Now I see. No wonder she looks too muscular and

bulky to be a woman. Hiii.. I'm shivering to even think to accept Tiffany just the

way she is, no matter how manly, bulky, and.. Okay, I'll stop now. Scary...

 

"Yeah, no offend but you look different from the Tiffany whom I often see in the

picture." I commented politely.

 

"I'm sorry, author. He's just too curious. Yesterday when we're in the middle of

chatting, he snatched my phone away and then he interrogated me about you.

Never knew he could do as far as coming here and tricked you. I'm so sorry,

author." Tiffany, the real one apologized. I couldn't react, I lost my ability to talk.

She's too beautiful, sparkling, and charming to handle. I won't even regret if JC

decided to stop my breathe now since I've met the real Tiffany and I'm right. She's

so dazzling.

 

"She's possessed by your beauty, Fany. Look, she has her mouth opened widely,

with her eyes focus on you only, and her nostril expands largely. What more proof

do you need?" His comment made me returned from my musing.

 

"Ah I'm so sorry. It's okay, Fany-ah. I understand." I tried to response more quickly

now.

 

"Well now that you're here, I think I have to excuse myself, except if you or your

Taetae still wants me to be around." Heechul reasoned out while giggling like a

girl. Is he even normal???

 

"Taetae??" I recalled the name he just gave me. Eww.. It sounds like a pet name.

But I don't think I will mind if Tiffany is the one who calls me that.

 

"No! Go now, oppa! Or I will tell Siwon oppa that you're trying to cheat with a

girl!" I chuckled seeing the most hilarious bickering in my life.

 

"Yah! You won't dare!!" The one named Heechul protruded his tongue childishly.

 

"Oh really?" Tiffany took her phone from her purse and tried to dial a number.

 

"No!!! Okay2.. I give up. I'll leave you alone now." He sighed and stood up.

 

"Sorry for ruining your first date with my sister, Taetae. However, you've passed

the exam. I hereby myself agreed if someday you want to level up your

relationship with Tiffany." He came to my table and patted my head.

 

"Yah!! You better shutting up your mouth or I will really I mean like really contact

your boyfriend now!" Tiffany protested.

 

"Anyway, the last time I checked she's still a virgin so make sure you will do it

gently tonight, okay?" He squatted and whispered the lustful words into my ear.

 

"Uhm.." I was lost of words and I'm sure by now my face is as red as boiled crab.

 

"Yah! Go away now, oppa! Like N.O.W!!" Tiffany came and pulled one of

Heechul ears upward.

 

"Ouwww.. Okay2.." He slapped Tiffany's hand away.

 

"I'll see you around, cutie." He bent his body again a bit to leave a kiss on my

cheek and winked afterward.

 

"Be a good girl, Fany. Don't let her lose her feeling for you! She's a nice catch by

the way. Good taste! I know I can count on you." He walked back to his earlier

table to take his bag.

 

"Shut up! And for your information, we're friends and I plan to stick with that. Go

home now! You've made the dinner late and ruined already. Leaving is the least

thing you can do for me." Tiffany pouted and she looks so cute. Aaah.. I wanna

pinch her right now. Stop thinking dirty, Taeyeon!!

 

"Yeah yeah yeah, like I will believe it. Friends for now and lovers for future. Who

knows, right? I'll leave now and I've ordered your favorite just now. Bye Taetae!!"

He turned to me and waved his hand.

 

"Bye oppa!" I waved back and he left just like that.

 

"I'm sorry again, author. He's just a jerk as he is. But I still love him. He's a good

oppa in real life." Tiffany told me while smiling a little. Now she's the real Tiffany

whom I always admire from the picture. I'm sure of that.

 

"Like I've said, it's okay. Besides, it's normal for an oppa to worry about her sister's

friends." I smiled gently at her. What is my positive trait? Is it my smile? Or my

dimple? My eyes? Aaahh!! I have to know so I can show it to Tiffany in hope she

can be mesmerized by it.

 

"Excuse me. One Caffe Latte and apple pie. And one Crème Brule Latte. The pizza

will come later. Thank you." The waiter served the food and left.

 

"He still remembers my favorite I see." Tiffany muttered to herself.

 

"Fany-ah, I'm sorry in advance but is it possible that your oppa is a.. Uhm..-"

 

"Yes he is. He's gay, openly gay and he's so proud about that. He's in relationship

with Siwon oppa for some time now." Tiffany explained even before I had a

chance to ask. For a second, I forgot that she's Tiffany, the person who always

manages to read my thoughts and know me better than I know myself.

 

"How long has he been gay?" I asked again.

 

"Uhm.. He admitted it to our parents when he's still in college so it has been about

6-7 years perhaps." She told me. I really can't take my eyes off of her. It's like I'm

spelled to set my eyes on her and her only.

 

"And your parents are okay about that?" I asked again.

 

"Yeah, they are okay." Tiffany's statement made me remember about my own

family who had heart to go as far as disowning me just because I can't be a normal

daughter as they wanted me to be.

 

"Hey, author. It's fine. I'm sure your parents will learn to accept you someday.

Cheer up okay?" Tiffany reached out her hand to touch my arm and patted it.

 

"Yeah, I hope so." I smiled in return.

 

"So?" She started.

 

"So?" I repeated.

 

"You said you wanted to meet me and now that we're meeting, don't you have

something to say? And please cut the compliments. I know you think that I'm

gorgeous, splendid, awesome, beautiful, charming, and such. I hear that too often.

Aside from wanting to compliment me, is there anything else that you want to

say?" She confidently remarked.

 

"You're so full of yourself, aren't you? Geez.. Don't be too cocky, Fany. You're not

that awesome. You're just look normal and ordinary." I tried my best to look

sincere so she couldn't detect my lies.

 

"Excuse me. One large pizza with extra cheese?" The waiter asked before placing

it on the table. I nodded and let him served the pizza.

 

"Ermm.. Thomas, right?" Tiffany spelled the name she read on Thomas' nametag.

The waiter nodded.

 

"Thomas, do you think I'm beautiful or just plain ordinary?" Tiffany without any

doubt being brave and asked the waiter.

 

"H-huh? You're beautiful, madam." The waiter at first was startled but provided

Tiffany the answer at the end.

 

"Thank you." Tiffany gave her best eye smile and shoved him away.

 

"See? I'm beautiful, Taetae. Don't even try to lie because even if you did, the others

are still there to give me an honest answer. It's not a sin to admit and admire the

creation of God who's as beautiful as me, you know." Tiffany pulled her chin up

and tried to look arrogant.

 

"Hahaha.. Ara ara.. You're beautiful. There, happy?" I chuckled and sipped my

coffee.

 

"Not really, because obviously you're not the only person who ever said to me."

Tiffany mocked me again.

 

"Hahaha.. So I see you're really Tiffany. Honestly speaking, your brother's attitude

isn't that much different from you." I grabbed a slice of pizza and put it on my

plate.

 

"Yeah, I figure out that much too. That's why our parents are fed up of us. You

know, like brother like sister but none like mom or dad." Her honest words made

me laugh.

 

"Shut up, author. At least, I'm better than my oppa. Oh my, you don't even want to

know about his attitude. He's like a mutant, I mean I'm sure his cell has mutated

somehow." Tiffany's nonsense blabbering made me laugh again.

 

"Okay, enough about my oppa. You shouldn't have asked about him. Now I feel

bad for talking negatively about my own sibling. You just made me become a bad

sister!" Tiffany pouted. She took her knife and fork to slice the pie.

 

"What?! I didn't ask much about him. You're the one who insisted to explain it." I

defended myself. I'm right; the feelings are different from the chat media compare

to the real person and yes, it's much better in live.

 

"Tsk! Advocacy as usual. So tell me author, how have you been?" She chewed the

pie casually while leaning her back to the back rest comfortably. I adored this sight

of her, she doesn't feel awkward at all, not even a bit. It's like we've known each

other for the longest. Oh me and my weak heart, how can I not fall deeper with

her?

 

"I'm good. Today is surprisingly busy so I have to bring back the work home. How

about you?" I took a bite of the pizza and smiled when the taste was better than my

expectation.

 

"Same here. Busy day. Tsk, you're so lucky that I've managed my time well so I

can meet you tonight." She wore that smug on her flawless face. In normal

condition, I would have protested but I can't seem I can now. She's too beautiful to

be scolded.

 

"Thank you for your time then." I smiled genuinely.

 

"Whoaaa.. What's wrong with you, author? Did my brother appearance has made

you this way? Do you feel attracted with my oppa?? Geezz.. You're really

abnormal.." Tiffany rolled her eyes before shoving another slice of pie onto her

awaiting mouth.

 

"Author, give me your purse." Seeing I didn't utter a word, she decided to talk

again.

 

"What's with my purse?" I frowned yet still did as she ordered me to.

 

"Humm.. Let's see. Perfume, make-up tools, wallet, small mirror, cell phone,.....

Okay I can breathe in relief now." She gave back my purse.

 

"Huh?" I placed the purse on the vacant seat beside me.

 

"Judging from your odd behavior right now, it made me really think whether you

bring diamond ring or not. Thankfully I can't find a suspicious box inside your

purse." Tiffany paused.

 

"Wait!! You didn't put it inside your pocket, did you?? Oh my, author! The

restaurant is packed! It will be too embarrassing if suddenly you kneel in front of

me, asking me to be your... Aaghh!! I can't even bring myself to say it further!!

Just please don't do that author, I beg you. You can do it later when we're already

out of the restaurant." Tiffany did a monologue. She took the sugar package and

poured it to her latte, but not all. She left the half still inside the package. Maybe

she doesn't like her latte to be too sweet.

 

"Just wanna let you know,, I will say no to your proposal so you better think twice

before trying to even embarrass yourself in front of me later. Being remembered as

Pentium II is shameful enough, isn't it?" Tiffany stirred her latte before slowly

sipping it.

 

"Anyway, if you feel burdened or shy to sell it to the same diamond store, feel free

to give it to me. I will keep it but I won't wear it. I will just sell it later to different

diamond store. I will give back the money to you,, but 75 percent from that is

mine! And the 25 percent will be yours. Okay, author?" Tiffany ended her

monologue with a sip on her coffee. I'm sure she would feel thirsty after talking in

full speed like that.

 

"Hahahha.. What are you talking about, Fany-ah?? I don't bring any diamond ring

with me and surely I won't propose you by the way. See? You're just too full of

yourself." I barely could contain my laughter. I laughed hard like I never did

before.

 

"Ahjumma." She smiled and commented.

 

"Excuse me?" I stopped laughing.

 

Not long after, I could hear some melodious and soft melody song played in the

background. No people singing. It's purely instrument yet very beautiful and

addicting. It's kokoro no tomo song. Yeah, love is a lullaby but for me it's a

nightmare song because obviously I'm always a failure when it comes to love. My

expression changed automatically when I remembered the translation of this song,

the real meaning behind the kokoro no tomo song.

 

"Author, are you okay? Stop comparing the meaning of the song with your real

history. Not every bad start has a bad ending too and vice versa. We only have

knowledge to know today's event and the ones which had passed. We don't have

ability to know about tomorrow. Tomorrow is yet to be revealed. Don't be a

pessimist, author. Who knows what tomorrow hold, right?" Tiffany's words calmed

me down. She always knows what to say in the rightest time.

 

"Uhm, thank you Fany. You never failed to make me amused with your ability." I

drank my latte again and avoided her gaze. I'm afraid I can't control myself from

hugging her if I keep staring at her. I'm not worthy enough and yes, I know it.

 

"Anyway, author. Are your blazers have holes like that?" Tiffany's questioned

startled me. The song has reached its last verse by now.

 

"Huh?" I put down my cup back and knitted my eyebrows.

 

"Try to raise your left arm a bit. If I'm not mistaken, I saw a quite big hole right

there." She pointed to my left armpit. I did as she said and rose my left arm.

 

"Okay! The girl right there! Please come to stage, mam!" Out of nowhere I feel

every eye on me. I look around and the band's members too are looking at me.

Shit! What's happening now?

 

"Looks like someone just agreed to sing in front of many people. Hahahha.."

Tiffany suddenly told me.

 

"Yah! You you!! What have you done to me!? What-"

 

"Please come up to stage mam. Everyone's waiting for you." The girl who held the

mic repeated.

 

"Just wait! I'll make you pay, Hwang." I threatened her and she stucked out her

tongue at me.

 

"So tell me, what's your name?" The girl asked me. I'm on the stage now, trying to

compose myself not to jump to Tiffany and pinch her wildly. Geez! That girl!!

 

"Kim Taeyeon." I answered shortly.

 

"I'll call you Taeyeon, okay?" I nodded at her.

 

"My name is Seohyun and I play piano. That is Yoona and she plays flute while

Yuri plays violin. So tell us, what do you want to sing tonight?" She gave the mic

to me and I took it.

 

"Sing?" I talked on the mic and everyone laughed.

 

"Ah! I know! I see you sitting with a beautiful girl right there. Is she your

girlfriend somehow?" A girl named Yuri stood up and came in between me and

Seohyun.

 

"She's just a friend." I answered timidly.

 

"Ah.. She's a friend but somehow you want to be more than just that. I knew a gay

when I see one because I'm a gay myself." Yuri put away the mic and said those

inside my ears. I blushed almost immediately.

 

"Tell me, Taeyeon-ah, with what song do you want to serenade your crush?" It's

Yoona's turn to ask. Aish! Why is only Seohyun who has the best attitude around

here. Just kill me this instant, JC. I can't bear the shame T.T

 

"Erm.." I hummed while thinking. What should I sing? This is too surprising!

Aish! If not because of Tiffany, I wouldn't be showered in shame like now. I'm not

even that confident with my singing ability. I rarely sing in the bathroom,

moreover in front of public like now! Yah! That girl!! That hisshh!! I gritted my

teeth like there's no tomorrow.

 

"So? There's no way you would sing Barney song, right? Even the lyric is simple

and memorable, but still it'd be too embarrassing if you ask me." Yoona teased me

and again it made the people laughed, including Tiffany. Grrr!!

 

".................." I braced myself and whispered the title of the song I want to sing

inside Yoona's ear.

 

"Good choice." Yoona pulled back and announced it to the others secretly.

---------------------------------------------------

 

"If tomorrow never comes. Will she know how much I loved her? Did I try in

every way to show her every day? That's she's my only one. And if my time on

earth were through. And she must face this world without me. Is the love I gave

her in the past gonna be enough to last if tomorrow never comes." I sang it whole

heartedly while closing my eyes.

 

"Cause I've lost loved ones in my life. Who never knew how much I loved them."

My mind went back to my families. Do they know how much I love them if one

day God calls me back to his eternal house and makes me never returns?

 

"Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them never were revealed." A

tear escaped my eye yet I keep wanting to continue the song until it reaches its end.

 

"So I made a promise to myself. To say each day how much she means to me. And

avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel." I

automatically gazed at Tiffany who smiled back at me.

 

"If tomorrow never comes. Will she know how much I loved her? Did I try in

every way to show her every day? That's she's my only one. And if my time on

earth were through. And she must face this world without me. Is the love I gave

her in the past gonna be enough to last if tomorrow never comes." I keep my gaze

at Tiffany and Tiffany only. It's like we're the only people who are inside the

restaurant. No waiters, no people having dinner, no nothing.

 

"To tell that someone that you love. Just what you're thinking of. If tomorrow

never comes." I ended the song with tears still streaming out from my eyes. Soon

after, clapping sounds could be heard.

 

"Wow!! Just wow, Taeyeon-shii!! Your voice is heavenly!! The song is so

touching plus you're the one who's singing it. I'm crying too here. Oh my, this is

embarrassing!" Yuri still clapped her hands along with the others.

 

"Thank you." I bowed to the audience and lastly I turned around just to find

Tiffany staring at me. She gave me two thumbs up together with best her eye

smile.

 

"We want more!! We want more!!" Yoona gave sign to the audience to mimic her.

Oh I'm so doomed!

 

"We want more!! We want more!!" The audience started to cheer and I really don't

know what to do.

 

"So, Taeyeon-shii. Will you please fulfill their innocent request?" Seohyun asked

me politely.

 

"Ermm.. I-" I looked at Tiffany and she nodded her head. Sigh. If she too wants me

to sing another song, then how can I say no? T.T

 

"Okay then." I nodded my head weakly.

 

"What's the title now?" Yuri asked me vividly. Wow, she looks excited.

 

"When you say nothing at all." I mentioned the title and returned to my seat to sing

my second song. It's gonna be a long night. Fiuh..

-----------------------------------------------

 

"Are you cold?" I asked Tiffany. We're now walking along the well known river

which is of course Han River.

 

"Uhm.. I forgot to bring my jacket with me." Tiffany said while looking at me. The

city light that is reflecting on the river surface is illuminating around her, makes

her more dazzling and sparkling than before. And if you ask me, well the answer is

yes, she looks more beautiful now.

 

"Here. You can wear my blazer." I took away my blazer and draped it around her

shoulder.

 

You know the law of attraction? I used not to believe in that but experiencing it

myself makes me change my mind. I think it does happen in real life. Looking up

above, there are countless stars shining at us with the full moon millions of km

away from us. It's perfect! Everything is perfect! It's on its right place! Thank you

Lord for making this possible.

 

"Is it even free of germs? You've been wearing this since morning, right? And now

it's late. Ewyyhh.. Imagine how many kind of germs are there." She wrinkled her

nose and pinched it with her fingers.

 

"Give it back if you don't want to!" I pouted and stepped forward to take it back

but she held it with her hands.

 

"I never said I didn't want it. Thank you, author." She gave me her eye smile again.

Ugh, I feel like I'm gonna fainted in any moment.

 

"I'm sorry." She stopped moving and turned around to face me.

 

"Why?" I turned too, following her movement.

 

"I made you singing earlier. I thought your voice would be horrible. Unfortunately,

it's not." She stated honestly.

 

"Hahaha.. What would you do if my voice is terrible indeed? You'd mock me

endlessly, right? Tsk! Bad Hwang!" I flicked her forehead playfully. She grinned

and started to walk again.

 

"So, author. What will you do if tomorrow never comes?" She still had her gaze to

the pavement while asking this.

 

"Uhm.. Just like the song said, I'll try to try every way to show the one I love

everyday that's she's my only one. I'll make sure that the love I've given to her

gonna be enough to last. What about you?" Out hands keep grazing with each other

and it urges me to hold her hand but I know I can't. I don't want to make her afraid

of me. It's still the first meeting, Taeyeon! You will have plenty of that later. Be

more patient! Tiffany is worth every sacrifice and minute of your time.

 

"I want to make sure I have nothing to regret. But different from you, I want to be

gone completely a day before so no one can remember me. If possible, I want to

erase each and every people's brain who used to know me so they won't even

realize that I've gone from this life." Her gloomy answer made me turned my head

sideways.

 

"Hey, don't say that. Nothing last forever but memories stay still. If you're gone,

the least thing you can give your loved ones is memory about you so they can

always smile whenever they are reminded about you and the not so normal things

you did." I nudged her arm.

 

"You don't understand, author. Sigh. Just let it go. Pretend that I never said those."

Tiffany heaved a sigh. From the corner of my eyes, I can see glistening water

comes down from her eyes. Is she crying?

 

"There's a bench right there. Let's sit" I grabbed her hand and occupied the bench

with her beside me. I still haven't let go of her hand though. Her hand feels cold yet

it still feels right. It's like her hands are created to hold mine because it fits

perfectly.

 

"Author, go and seek a better girl. You can find plenty of girls who are better than

me, who can be beside you 24/7, who can love you unconditionally." Tiffany took

away her hand from my grasp and wiped away her tears with the same hand.

 

"W-what do you mean?" I stuttered. Did she just say that she knew my feelings?

My true feelings for her? Bu-but.. But how? I mean-

 

"I know, author. I know. Even if I don't have that ability, I'm not that blind you

know. I'm sure everyone can detect your feelings easily since you're an easy person

too." She slipped in her familiar humor and chuckled.

 

"Both of the songs you sang to me earlier are more than enough to proof it." She

added more seriously this time.

 

"Hmm.. Since you knew that I lo-"

 

"Don't say it, author. I'm afraid our relationship will be drifted apart once you spill

those forbidden words. Please? I beg you this time." She turned to look at me and

more tears are wetting her face. She looks so sad. But why? I thought she would be

better in rejecting me compare to Jessica but I guess I'm wrong. Jessica still gave

me a chance to confess before she decided to run away but her? She didn't even

allow me to say it because she has stopped me before I could even say I love you.

 

"Why?" I hold back my tears by clutching the edge of my shirt. My knuckles turn

white for I'm gripping too hard.

 

"The answer is like your song title. If tomorrow never comes." Tiffany looked at

me and brushed my tears with her thumbs.

 

"What do you mean?" I hold her hands on my cheeks to prevent her from taking it

away.

 

"Like I've said, no one know what tomorrow holds. Unfortunately, I'm not like

ordinary people. I know when my tomorrow never comes. If we still insisted then

what if one day my time has come? I knew yet you didn't. I just don't want to make

you sad, author. I'd never do anything which would cause you bad things,

remember? I'm doing it right now. I'm a bad thing for you and that's why you must

not have me." My grip on her hands became weak and that's when she took back

her hands from my face.

 

"I don't understand. Just tell me right to my face if you don't feel the same way,

Fany. You don't need to make me feel stupid like now." I looked ahead and took

back my words. This night is the worst and I don't believe in the law of attraction

thingy.

 

"My time is nearing. In short I don't have much time to live on earth any longer.

That's the reason why I always said no whenever you asked to meet. Let's just say,

I don't want to regret and I know if I keep insisting to say no, I'd regret it because I

have the same intention to meet you too." Tiffany held my hand. She put her hand

on top of mine.

 

"But what if-"

 

"There's no what if, Taeyeon-ah. It's not that I'm not returning your feeling, it's just

that I can't because I know it will hurt both of us at the end." She held my hand

tighter and it made me crying more. The tears know no ends and I'm not intending

to make it stop either.

 

"It's okay if you can't return your feeling but please don't say about death so

recklessly like that, Fany-ah. I can't even imagine life without you." I couldn't hold

back any longer. I turned around to hug her and continue crying on her shoulder.

 

"Please don't say that you're going to leave me." I hugged her tighter. My hands

wrapped around her waist and I buried my head inside her crook.

 

"Okay okay.. I won't say it any longer. We're still be friends, right?" She removed

her body and palmed my face.

 

"Uhm.. I'll try to hold back my feelings better. But don't ever say about death

anymore, okay? I'm sure God has better plan for you and me and I have faith He

won't end his precious lamb's life just like that." This time I was the one to wipe

away her tears.

 

"Okay. Shall we go home now? It's late already." Tiffany fixed her dress and

intended to stand up when a man suddenly came.

 

"I'm sorry but both of you look perfect with each other, together with the view of

the Han River. It's just incredibly perfect and I can't help but wanting to roam my

hand and record it onto solid media. Here, I think you have right to have this." The

man gave me a rectangular shaped canvas with me and Tiffany as the objects.

 

“Wow! It’s so beautiful! Thank you, Ahjussi!!” Tiffany took the liberty to receive

the painting. She then stood up followed by me.

 

“Thank you very much. Are you sure it’s free? I mean don’t you want to-

OUCH!!” I felt a pain on my head and it was coming from Tiffany.

 

“Yah pabo! Be more polite and just thank him properly!” Tiffany lectured me.

 

“Thank you, Ahjussi!” I bowed more properly this time.

 

“That’s okay. Just keep it and I hope you will be forever blessed by happiness.”

The man said and left.

 

“Here, you can keep it.” Tiffany handed over the painting and I accepted it.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to keep it?” I asked again to make sure whether

she’s sure with the decision or not.

 

“Yeah. I can read your mind and it screams that you want to have it.” She stated it

confidently. She’s back to her normal state, huh? Part of me feels happy while the

others feel bad knowing we haven’t actually done with our initial topic. What

about my feelings? What about hers? What are we now? Can we even be called

more than friends? But-

 

“Stop flooding your mind with those thoughts, author. We are what we are. What

are we? You are my favorite author and I’m your favorite reader. Nothing will

change that. Always there, remember? No matter what we are now or what we will

be later, that won’t change the fact that we will always there for each other, right?”

 

“Yes, sure. I’m sorry.” I smiled and held the painting dearly.

 

“That’s fine. Shall we go home for real now?” Tiffany reached out her hand and I

welcomed it.

 

“Sure.” I held her hand like I never wanted to let it go. We walk hand in hand

passed the river. The view is still amazing but it feels different now that I know we

can never be more than we are now. What are we? Even I don’t have an answer to

that question.

 

The view is still amazing but it feels different now that I know we can never be

more than we are now. What are we? Even I don’t have an answer to that question.

She hasn’t literally told me about her real feelings too to me. She did say that it’s

not that she isn’t returning my feeling but she can’t, knowing it will only hurt both

of us. What does it mean? I really want to ask her but I don’t want to make her sad

if she heard my question for the second time. Seeing her cry will be the last thing I

want to see. Her time is nearing? No matter how much I have faith in her, in her

ability mostly, still I don’t want to believe that. I’m sure no one and I mean no one

has ability to know about her time on earth! The bible says it~

 

All I know is that even if I’m no longer on earth or if she isn’t longer on earth, no

matter who will be called by God first, my love for her is eternal. She may die first

yet I will use the remaining years of my time to love her, to use every moment to

remember about her, how she loves to bully me, how she teases me, how she

always there to cheer me up and give me useful advices in then, and such.

However if I leave her first then I will beg God to let me watch her from above

until it’s her return to be called by Him. It’s crazy, I know but for her I think I’m

willing to be crazy. She’s that worthy for me. Tiffany Hwang, the name I can never

erase from my head. My brain can be washed and it will make me unable to

remember anything but I’m sure the name of Tiffany Hwang can never leave my

mind. I love her now, tomorrow, and I’m planning to do that eternally.

 

“Hey, hurry! Every second of my time is precious you know!!” Tiffany nudged me

harder and signaled me to ignite the engine.

 

“Alright alright.. Geezzz, you’re so grumpy. Hop on!” I told her and climbed on

my scooter. I turned the key and the engine roared.

 

“Drive safely! Remember that I wear dress not plain shirt like you!” She reminded

me again and I nodded my head in response.

 

“Got that, Fany! Now hold on to me.” I informed her and drove away with a smile.

No matter what, I’ll love her until the end. Eternal is my goal and I tend to stick

that way.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Story I Don't Want to Believe

 

That was the first and last time I met Tiffany. Days passed and changed into weeks

without me knowing. The things I have to be done from work were getting more

and more each day that I felt soreness on my back and my neck ached due to sitting

too long and didn’t move for a long time. It was getting on my nerves yes but there

was nothing I could do since it was my responsibility and more tasks and more

responsibilities meant more opportunities. Besides, Yoochun’s too kind to be

ignored. He has offered me to give me two or three assistants to help me but I

kindly rejected. Why? That’s because I thought I could do it on my own; never

thought that I got a wrong calculation on that.

 

I think it’s enough telling stories about days before. Today is Saturday but it surely

feels like Monday or any other weekdays. The difference is, today I will work from

home instead of office. The final presentation will be two weeks from now yet I

haven’t even reached halfway, means it’s still a long long way to go. I guess I will

just be a caffeine addict for the next two weeks. How is Tiffany? She is still busy

just like me so we’re kind of drifting apart. We don’t communicate each day

anymore but we still keep in touch. The last time I sent her message, thankfully

she’s healthy and I hope she is too by now. It’s natural not to be as close and

communicate to each other as intense as we used to. Once I finish with this task, I

will ask her to meet again. Why me? Well, obviously she would never and I mean

never be the one to ask me to meet up again. Why again? Go ask her, not me

because I don’t have an answer to that.

 

Can I complain again? Okay, thank you for the opportunity then. Sigh. Today is

Saturday and by now it’s only at 7 am but I already wake up! Gaahh!! Okay that’s

enough. I’m hungry and complaining makes me hungrier than before. I walk to the

stairs and descend it, intending to go to the kitchen to stuff some edible things into

my mouth. I take the cereal box and the carton milk; place it on the kitchen

counter. I then take the medium-sized bowl and mixed the cereal with the milk, not

forgetting to stir it before shoving it inside my mouth. Finished eating my

breakfast, I make myself a nice warm instant coffee to accompany me for the day.

I’m sure today will pass so fast that I won’t even realize when the sun has been

replaced by moon. Exaggerating? Sigh. I hope I am but unluckily, I’m not.

 

I just have done with bathing when my cell phone rang. I quickly ran to the bed

and retrieve the phone. The home screen said it’s from Jessica. With a frown, I

picked up the call. She asked me what I was doing and I told her. She asked again

what I’d be doing for the day. With a loud sigh, I answered that today I had to do

some work from home. She sounded sad hearing me but when I was thinking why,

her mood suddenly changed and she with a happy tone offered herself to come and

help me doing my job. Since today would be lonely and my piled-up work was too

much, I just said yes to her proposal.

 

“Taenggoo!!” She hugged me as soon as I opened the front door for her.

 

“Hey~” I didn’t know what to say and could only hug her back.

 

“Have you had breakfast? I made French toast for you.” She gave me lunchbox and

sat on the stairs to remove her shoes.

 

“Thank you.” I deliberately didn’t answer her question. She had spent some time to

make me breakfast and by some time it means more than half an hour since I know

how she hates cooking or anything related to kitchen.

 

“What do you want to drink, Sica?” I asked her. She who had visited my place

more than two times made herself at home. She never failed to visit me every

weekend, even I never had chance to accompany her outside. She said she was fine

with that and would spend her day here helping me or sleeping when she felt tired.

At night, I would drive her home and that event reoccurred for 2 times.. Ah! Make

it three with this time.

 

“Anything you drink.” She laid her body comfortably on the couch while waiting

for me. I chuckled and made another glass of instant coffee for her.

 

“Here is your coffee and the toast in case you haven’t had breakfast.” I served her

drink and the toast on the coffee table.

 

“Thanks’, Taeng. So what is today’s schedule? Lots of work as usual, huh? Poor

Taeyeon~ Lucky you for I am here to help.” Jessica sat up and made a space for

me to seat.

 

“Yeah.. Report, report, and report again. I wouldn’t receive the promotion if I

knew the work would be like this. Sigh. It’s hard to be a supervisor, moreover

when you have to work alone. When I was still a team leader, at least I would still

have people to help me, unlike now.” I protested and poured half of my work

problems to Jessica.

 

“Stop protesting, Taeng. You can protest about the work but you can’t do the same

with the salary you receive, right? Oh come on, everybody wants to have your

position, moreover your tempting salary. Your salary is much more than me,

Taeng!” Jessica patted my shoulder. She then took one of the toast and gave it to

me.

 

“Now eat so we can finish your job faster!” Jessica took bread for herself. I

complied with her request and ate my portion of toast.

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Can we take a break for a moment, Taeng? I’m tired~” Jessica broke a joint or

two by tilting her head to the left and right. She then stretched out her arms and

yawned loudly.

 

“Hahhaa… What time is it now, Jessi?” I saw her hibernating her laptop before

climbing the couch and placed her head on the armrest.

 

“I don’t know but based on my tiredness and hungriness, I think it’s already time

for lunch. Come on, Taeng! Turn off your laptop for a moment, will you? The

presentation won’t happen until two weeks from now. You still have adequate time

to go.” Jessica yawned again. Tears came out from her eyes. Maybe her eyes too

feel tired for staring at the screen for too long.

 

“But, Jessi! It’d be my first time to do the presentation in big hall where many

engineers from over the world will attend to watch me. What if I fail? What if I

stammer while presenting it? What if they can’t understand what I say? My

English isn’t as good as you, Jessi! Whoa and I can even feel the nervousness by

now. Look, my hands are sweating!” I showed her my wet hands.

 

“Don’t worry, you will do just fine, Taenggo. Trust me. I will be there to watch

you and support you. Yoochun too will be there so relax and take a deep breath.

Everything will be okay.” Jessica took my hands and held it. She soothed me and it

made me calmed down a little.

 

“You are right. I can do this! Thank you! So what do you want for lunch? Let me

order it by phone. Don’t worry, I’ll treat you lunch.” I took my hands back and got

up to get the phone.

 

I know Jessica is a nice person since ages ago but I never knew she could be this

warm and understanding too. She’s however known as an Ice Princess, meaning a

girl can fall on her butt in front of her face but believe me; she could care less

about that. Jessica’s kindness toward me is getting weirder each day. How could I

say so? She acts more like a lover than a best friend. I mean, it’s understandable to

ask me to have lunch together with her, but asking me to have breakfast, lunch, and

dinner together?? Can I still say that it’s normal? Next proof, do you still

remember Sunny? Yeah, she still often asks me to have lunch together when she

isn’t busy and as usual I can’t say no. Jessica at first disallowed me to go with

Sunny but after some discussion or more like her preachment for me, the deal

changed. Jessica always follows me and sits between me and Sunny whenever we

have lunch together. She too walks in between me and Sunny, making sure Sunny

won’t and can’t land a single touch on my body. It’s not that I want to protest

about that but I feel bad for Sunny and the atmosphere between us three is so

awkward; too awkward in fact.

 

Jessica too always calls me in spite the fact that we’ve met at work every single

day. She calls me to make sure whether I have arrived at home or not or sometimes

only to ask me what I was doing at that time. Odd, right? Yeah, I think so too. I

really want to believe that it means she has more feeling for me but hey, I can still

remember clearly how painful is the rejection feels. It feels horrible, not to mention

I’ve been indirectly rejected twice and been cheated once. Wow! What a great

history I have made caused by bad love story. Furthermore, I don’t know what to

do in case Jessica has more feelings for me. Clearly, my heart isn’t mine any

longer. It has already been taken by Tiffany. I just met her once, but it feels like

I’ve loved her for the longest. Yeah yeah I know, she hasn’t given me distinct

answer but for her, I’m more than willing to wait, no matter how many months or

even years she may need, I’ll always be there when she’s sure about her feelings.

 

“Jessica, what do you want to order? Chinese? Western? Korean? Japanese?” I

asked her again.

 

“Uhmm.. Any restaurant which has salad as one of the menu.” She answered me

quickly.

 

“Jessi, don’t you want to eat anything else? You always eat salad and salad again.

You need more than that, you know, like protein, fat, and carbohydrate. How if I

order Pizza or spaghetti maybe? I know you love pasta so much when we’re still in

high school.” I told her while searching for nearby Italian Restaurant which offered

delivery service.

 

“You still remember that, Taenggo? Wow~ I thought you’ve forgotten. It’s been

years~ Okay, order me carbonara with cheese and sausage then.” Jessica smiled

brightly at me. What’s wrong again with her?

 

“Roger that.” I called the restaurant and ordered large pan of tuna pizza for me and

to share it with Jessica in case she wanted more, two portion of garlic bread, a

portion of bruschetta, salad and carbonara for Jessica, and cola to accompany us

eating later. Soon after the delivery came. I opened the door and paid for the bills,

didn’t forget to leave some tips for the delivery boy. I brought the food in and

presented it on front of Jessica.

 

“Here is your food! Let’s eat!!” I announced happily and got a slice of pizza for

me.

 

“Taeng, can I ask you something?” She took a bite on the garlic bread and brushed

the crump away from her face after.

 

“What is it?” I casted sauces all over my pizza before making it enter my mouth.

 

“Do you still have special feelings for Sunny after all this time, Taeng?” Jessica

reluctantly looked at me in the eyes, waiting for me to provide her with honest

answer.

 

“No I am not.” I replied firmly and stared back at her with the same intensity,

trying to convince her that I’m not lying with my words.

 

“Are you sure?” She raised her one of her eyebrows.

 

“Definitely. Why?” I smiled. I took another slice of pizza and chewed it slowly,

before finally made a gulp and pushed the food through my throat.

 

“Naaah,,, Just asking.. I don’t agree if you still let Sunny wandering around you

too often. It won’t be good for both of you, Taeng.” Jessica looked at me from the

corner of her eyes. She didn’t stare at me rightly and pretended to busy herself with

the food.

 

“And why is that?” I knew she didn’t like it based on her not too welcome gesture

toward Sunny but she just told me directly about it now.

 

“Just because.” She again avoided my gaze.

 

“Then I will have to say no to your proposal. I’m fine with her being around me.

Besides, she is a nice woman and friendly too. She is smart and funny. She is

mature and more experienced in many things than me so I can always ask her

about everything since her knowledge is limitless too.” I shrugged my shoulder and

continued eating.

 

“But I’m smart too! I am a nice woman, friendly, funny and knowledgeable too!

And the most important one is that I am your best friend while she is your ex. Best

friend has stronger boundary than ex, Taeng.” Jessica argued back.

 

“So? What are you implying, Jessi? Both of you have different position in my eyes

but doesn’t change the fact that both of you are important for me. You are my best

friend while she is my ex. I like being around you as much as I like being around

Sunny. Sunny has what you don’t and vice versa but the most important thing is

that I like both of you and I like mingle with you two.” I really don’t know where

this conversation will be going. Jessica sounded like a really jealousy and

possessive girlfriend when in fact, I know she has no special feelings for me,

except if she… No no, it isn’t possible.

 

“What I am implying is, I don’t want you to get hurt again, Taeng. I’m afraid she

one day will try to trick you again just like what she did before. You said that she

loved you, right? What if her love for you still there? Loves can make people

insane, Taeng, including her. I’m more than sure she won’t think twice to leave her

fiancé just to have you again.” Jessica debated my reason while I raised my

eyebrows hearing her arguments. This is getting nonsense and more nonsense each

second passed.

 

“I’ve told you that Sunny and I ended our sinful relationship nicely, didn’t I? She

too had agreed that she had to be loyal toward her fiancé and must move on with

her life because her future is clearly not with me. She’s not mine from the start and

I too am not that low, Jessi. I know what I did with her was wrong and I regretted

that. At the very least I should do is to give her back to her right owner who is her

fiancé and yes I’ve done that. What more do I need to do, huh? She still can’t move

on and as a good human being, being around her until she can move on is the only

thing I can do to help her.” I explained.

 

“But how can she move on when she is still in love with you?” Jessica looked as

emotional as me. She put down her fork and looked at me seriously.

 

“And why we even discuss this matter, Jessi? It’s not like Sunny’s existence

around me disturbs you in any way. Ah yes! While we’re talking about this; can

you please stop acting annoyingly when Sunny is around? It’s not polite and I feel

bad for her.” I recalled how Sunny had confused expression when Jessica acted

like a bitch the last time I was with her.

 

“Why, you prefer being around her than being around me?!” Jessica raised her

voice tone a bit and I frowned.

 

“Sighed! What’s wrong with you, Jessi?” I scooted closer and hugged her shoulder

sideways to calm her down. Her mood was easily changed recently, since the time

we reconciled if I’m not mistaken and the mood swings was too much for me. In

one minute, she would act like she was the happiest girl in the world but in another

minute she could transform into a uncontrolled beast while sometimes she would

had somber expression like she face a very huge problem. Why? Don’t ask me, ask

her.

 

“Nothing. I’m sorry, I guess it’s just period.” Jessica answered hesitantly. She

again gazed at anywhere but me.

 

“You lied.” It was more like a statement. Oh come on, I’ve known her for ages and

I would be the stupidest best friend in the world if I don’t know when she’s telling

the truth and when she isn’t. I knew her like the back of my hand, except at the

time when I confessed. Let’s just say that I miscalculated.

 

“I’m not!” She denied and I chuckled.

 

“Okay you aren’t. But remember this, Jessi; I know you too well to realize when

you’re lying and when you aren’t. Got that?” I squeezed her shoulder a little and

moved back to my original place.

 

“I don’t want us to argue or fight because of unimportant thing. When we are

alone, let’s just talk about us, Sunny aside and vice versa. Okay? You can always

tell me anything, Jessi. I’ll lend my ears to hear you out and even my smart brain to

advise you the rightest thing to do according to me.” I ruffled her hair and pinched

both of her cheeks to make her smile.

 

“But I can’t be honest about this matter.” Jessica murmured some words I failed to

hear. She said too slow and incoherently.

 

“What did you say?” I asked to make sure.

 

“Nothing.” She abruptly replied.

 

“Oh okay. Let’s clean this so we can continue working and maybe catch a movie at

home if the work can be done faster.” I stood up and started to gather the trash of

food and brought it to the kitchen to dispose it.

 

Honestly? I feel curious in what Jessica’s hiding from me but prying would be

impolite and I don’t want to force her. I think that if she is ready, then she will tell

the matter to me one day. I’ll just have to make sure that I will be there when she

needs me. She never once talked about Donghae again nor ever talked about other

guys. I knew her beauty close to perfect so it would be the biggest lie if she said no

one’s after her by now. Since the short relationship with that jerk, she never

updated me about any other guys who were trying to approach her when in fact;

many eyes always follow her whenever I walk with her at office. I don’t know,

maybe the trauma caused by Donghae is still there. I can understand that traumatic

disease when it comes to love is hard to be healed; I experienced the same thing

too. I just hope one day, she can find her true love, Mr. Right sent directly from

God only for her.

-----------------------------------------------------

 

It's been 3 days since Jessica visited me in my apartment and been too long since

the last time I met Tiffany. I'm still busy, I admit that but it's not what bothers me

the most. I miss her. I miss her so much that I can't fully focus all of my

concentration to my work. Part of my concentration is on Tiffany. How's she?

What's she doing? Sighed. And before you may think further; No! She and I are

fine. It's just the lack of communication that makes me wondering and curious

about her. Is she really okay? She's so secretive about many things, unlike me that

won't hesitate to answer any question she'll ask. Sometimes she said that she

couldn't answer my question if it's too personal. Why? I don't know either

unfortunately. She said that there were things better left unsaid.

 

What am I doing now? Aside from talking to myself inside my mind, as usual, I'm

busy trying to gain a scope of rice to feed myself. I even think I need to visit a

doctor to check up on my eyes. I really think I need a glasses because I keep on

staring at the laptop screen since God knows when. I prefer seeing Tiffany's picture

though. If I only had chance. Sighed again. Yoochun is home already and he said

sorry for making me too busy that I couldn't even have time for myself since

weekends feels like weekdays. I said it was okay as long he would give me the

bonus if we got the tender later. He of course said yes to my request.

 

"Taeyeon-ah!" A man voice startled me that I almost feel from my chair.

 

"Hahaha.. Sorry? How are you? Still busy doing the report? How about the

presentation? Have you started on doing that?" It was Yoochun.

 

"You're too much, Sir! And yes, I'm doing slavery work by now. Thank you for

asking." I sarcastically replied his answer and tried to hold back my smile.

 

"Don't say that, Taeyeon-aaahhh.. You make me feel bad." He pouted.

 

Oh my, I guess his wife affected him too much. And yes, I've met Junsu by the

way, on the day he got back from States. He was picked by Junsu and went to

office directly, bringing his wife along. In short, I talked to his wife and boom! I

revealed his real personality too at that time. Junsu loved to act cute by palming his

face and tilted his head from left to right while smiling widely. Strangely, he's

really cute and I hate to admit that wow! He's soooo funny and he looked like 8

years old kid who married to an adult man. Junsu too loved to pout if someone

disagreed with his opinion and damn again! He's cute! And now Yoochun tried to

mimic his wife and sighed. He's cute too.

 

"You indeed need to feel bad! I got no holiday since you left me with this task. The

burden is too much, Sir! The tender is too big, Sir! I'm afraid I can't compete

against the other companies. I'm sure they assign profesional and senior manager to

make the proposal, but me? I'm just a supervisor and I even got the position not

long ago! What if-"

 

"There's no what if, Taeyeon. I choose you because I have trust in you. I have trust

in you because I've seen you working for years and never once you made me

disappointed. I believe you can beat them and win the tender but! Even if you can't,

doesn't mean you don't have capability. It's just God has other plans for us, for our

company. So don't bother yourself with negative thoughts and just do your best.

I'm sure you can nail it." Yoochun said to me with a smile and patted my head.

 

"And about your complains,, hmm.. Special for today you can go back early. Grab

your lunch and go home directly. You deserve a proper rest but don't forget to

come to work tomorrow! I need a brief explanation regarding the proposal you've

made so far." Yoochun continued.

 

"Are you sure, Sir? But there are still lots of things to be done." My smile grew

almost instantly.

 

"Stop pretending to be strong, Tae. Your eye bags are too distinct to be unnoticed.

Let me be your Santa for the day! Hohohoho!!" Yoochun clutched his tummy and

mimicked Santa's particular laughter.

 

"Eerrrmm.. Sir, everyone is looking at you. You probably want to stop following

Santa's laughter." I nudged his waist several times.

 

"What?! Oh my!" Yoochun stopped immediately and covered his face with his

palms. I had to smile with that. He never once failed to make my mood better.

 

"Ehem.. I better go back to my room then. I'll see you tomorrow!" He nodded and

walked abruptly to his office room. I was still laughing when he entered his room.

He really is something, isn't he?

 

I gather all my belongings and put it back inside my purse. I shut down the

computer and stand up. I walk and make my way to Jessica's cubicle. I know she

will be mad like hell if she finds me nowhere after work hour later. I hide a smile

remembering how Jessica and I had passed the rough pavement smoothly. If I were

asked whether I still wanted to confess to Jessica then the answer will still be yes. I

knew I didn't fall in love with a wrong person even she had rejected me in a not so

nice way. What's important now, Jessica and I have back to our normal state, even

better than we used to.

 

"Jessi!" I clasped her shoulders from behind.

 

"Whoaaa!!!" Jessica gasped and screamed with her familiar high pitch voice.

Blame me for forgetting that fact.

 

"Yah! You startled me!!!" She stood up and hit me on my chest repetitively.

 

"Shuusshhh!! We're in office!" I without any second thought hugged her to calm

her down.

 

"Wohooooo!! No PDA here, please!!"

 

"Aww my eyes!!!"

 

"Hellloooo!! I'm working here!!"

 

"Oh no, now I miss my baby so much!"

 

"Look what you've done! Come here with me!" Jessica blushed and tweaked my

ears. She then dragged me to the hallway by pulling up my ear.

 

"Ouch! It hurts!" Once we've arrived, she let go of my ear and I rubbed it. I'm sure

my ear is red by now.

 

"What's up?" Jessica asked me wonderingly.

 

"I just want to inform you that I'll go back sooner today. Right after lunch

actually." I told her.

 

"Eh? Why?"

 

"Yoochun pitied me, saying I deserved proper rest. But I remembered that I have

side job as your driver. So here I am, asking for permission from my other boss." I

grinned.

 

"Will you cancel your plan to go back early if I say no?" Jessica's question made

me frown.

 

"I guess not. Well then, you are free to go. Case closed." She shrugged and

intended to walk away, but I was quicker to hold her waist.

 

"Jessi, what happened between us? What happen to you?" The question has been

bugging me for some time and I think I have enough of implying my own way. I

need to know the truth directly from her mouth.

 

"It's nothing, Tae. I'm fine. I'm just tired I guess." She made an excuse. How did I

know it? I've been her closest friend since years so of course I knew.

 

"Jessi,-"

 

"I said I'm fine, okay? Look, Yoochun is right. You need adequate rest. You better

leave now so you can use the whole day to be a bummer. I'll see you tomorrow?"

She turned around and smiled. Was it a sincere smile or a fake one? Damn for I

failed to differentiate it. It happened too fast to recognize it.

 

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow." I dropped the matter for now. I stepped forward and

engulfed her in a tight hug.

 

"Bye. Be a good worker, alright?" I pulled away and ruffled her blonde hair. Now

that I remember again, I haven't changed my account in AFF. Blondie_is_mine??

Tsk! The name is pretty ridicilous actually but hey, who can blame me when I

made it because of love?

 

"You too. Be careful on driving and don't forget to text me when you've arrived."

She tapped my cheek before bracing herself to come closer and kiss my cheek.

 

I was too shocked to move and once I've gained my soul back, she had gone from

my sight. I wasn't dreaming, was I? I told you, she got a secret under her sleeves. Is

she somehow have a feeling for me? Is she? I still can't figure it out up until now

because I don't have enough proofs, or have I? She is easily jealous, possessive,

loves skinship, caring, attentive, curious, and lastly her hatred for Sunny is beyond

normal. Are all that combined enough to prove that she has romantic feelings for

me? I shook my head for ever thinking about her that way. She is just confused

after breaking up with Donghae. Yes, that's must be the reason. Stop being so full

of yourself Taeyeon!

------------------------------------------

 

I use my helmet and get ready to leave. I haven't had lunch by the way and

thinking maybe I can ask Tiffany to have lunch with me. It's still 10.15 am by now

and if I'm lucky, I'll arrive at Tiffany's campus before lunch time. I just hope the

traffic will be kind enough to let me pass swiftly. I miss her and I won't waste this

chance to just be a lazzy bummer at home. It's a big no no. I rather feel tired and

sleepy for a whole day than let the chance to meet Tiffany slip away. And if you

wonder; no! Tiffany hasn't known that I'd visit her at her department.

 

"Excuse me, do you know Tiffany Hwang?" I asked a girl who's talking with her

groups in front of the department building.

 

"And you are?" The girl in yellow polo shirt asked me back. She politely stood up

and left her groups behind.

 

"My name is Taeyeon, Kim Taeyeon and I'm Tiffany's friend." I offered my hand.

 

"My name is Sooyeon. No offend but I'm one of Tiffany's close friends but never

once I saw you before. If I may ask, how do you know Tiffany?" She shook my

hand and asked me.

 

"Ah. I met her from social media world. I often chatting with her online but I ever

met her of course but not that often." I answered and she eyed me from head to toe.

 

"I see. You must be the author she has been talking about. I know you! She told me

that you're her favorite author! It was nice to finally meet you, Taeyeon. Being

curious, I searched your stories and read it. Yes! She's right! Your writing has

sucesfully captivated my attention." She grinned widely and her eyes twinkled in

happiness.

 

"Thank you! I'm happy you like my writing." I nodded.

 

"I love it!!" She exclaimed loudly, making the groups behind her stared at Sooyeon

curiously.

 

"By the way, you're searching for Tiffany, right? She's working on some project

inside the laboratorium. You just have to follow the hallway and go right after the

third door. There will be a room with 'Manufacture System Laboratorium' board

and there you'll meet her." She directed me using her right hand and I tried to

record every information.

 

"Oh okay. Thank you very much." I smiled and waved her goodbye. I followed her

direction and slowly knocked the door. Soon, the door opened and I again have

chance to see the most beautiful girl in the world before my eyes.

 

"Taeyeon?! What are you doing here?!" She frowned and closed the door behind

her. Oh okay, I didn't expect this way of greeting honestly.

 

"Hi to you too!" I lifted my right hand and smiled.

 

"I'm here to ask you to lunch. So, will you accompany me to lunch, Fany-ah? It's

been a while and the fact that we've been busy made us drifting apart. I miss you.

Don't you miss me too?" I retained the grin on my face.

 

"Sighed. You won't take a no as an answer, will you?" She palmed her face.

 

"Errmm.. Why are you busy?" I stared at her and she got eye bags which are as big

as mine. She looks thinner and pale. Is she sick?

 

"Quite busy yes. But I too haven't had lunch yet.I guess an hour or two out from

here won't cause a trouble." She reasoned out and yes, her answer made the grin

wider, that if it's even possible.

 

"Yes! What do you want to eat?" I followed her enter the laboratorium and waited

for her to tidy up her things. There's no one else inside the room. Does it mean she

works alone? No wonder she looks like a zombie then. I mean, where are the

others?

 

“You’re the one who asked me to lunch so you decide and you’ll also be the one to

pay for the lunch.” She looked up and smirked before putting the last things into

her bag.

 

“What have I got into?” I mumbled under my breath, low enough to make it

unnoticed but hey, I kind of forgot she got the sixth sense.

 

“Stop complaining and let’s go!” She walked to my way and intertwined her arm

with mine. I left the lab with a wide grin plastered on my face. What’s the meaning

of few bucks anyway comparing to the fact that I got a beautiful girl to accompany

me to lunch, right?

-------------------------------------

 

“So why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be working at this hour?” She asked

me while waiting for our orders to be arrived.

 

“I took a leave for the day. Yoochun kindly gave me a chance to have a day break

so yeah, that’s pretty much why.” I smiled.

 

“It doesn’t describe well why you are here actually.” She shrugged proudly,

looking so arrogant and cocky at the same time, yet still beautiful somehow.

 

“Hahaha,, smart as usual, Scarlethwang. I’m here because I missed you. I’ve told

you about that, haven’t I? So, how have you been? How’s life?” I played with the

eating utensils on the table.

 

“I’ve been good. Life is tiring and exhausting yes but aside from that, I think I’m

okay. It’s been so busy and hectic but I’m still able to handle all that so far.

Talking about Scarlethwang reminds me of your eyywwhh username in AFF. Why

you haven’t changed it, Author? Do you still have feelings for Jessica somehow?”

She propped her chin with her hand on the table.

 

“I can see that. You look so tired and pale. Blondie_is_mine, huh? Now that I think

about it again, I think the name is pretty ridiculous, right?” I raised one of my

eyebrows.

 

“It is.” She nodded in approval.

 

“I actually wanted to change it into Scarlet_is_mine but that particular girl hasn’t

given me a definite answer so I postponed my initial plan to change it until she

could answer my proposal.” I hesitantly looked in her eyes and she looked so sad

hearing me saying that so bluntly. Did I say it wrongly? Or is it possible that she

really doesn’t have any feeling for me? But based on her gestures, her caring

attitude, her words, her everything makes me believe that there’s still a chance no

matter how tiny it is that she has feeling for me; a feeling that states she likes me

not in normal way. Is it only my false intuition then?

 

“Taeyeon-ah, please don’t start it again.” She dejectedly told me.

 

“I mean what I said, Fany. I like you, more than you can ever imagine. I like you

the most no matter how impossible it may be. I realize that this is only our second

meeting, but there’s nothing I can do to stop my heart from beating abnormally

whenever I think of you, Fany-ah.” I bravely took her hand and held it. I stared at

her seriously, trying to convey my confession and overwhelmed feelings not only

with mouth, but also with eyes.

 

“I can’t do this, Tae. We can’t possibly go further than now. Please understand

me.” She pleaded and slowly took away her hand from my weak grip.

 

“But why? Do you not like me the way I like you? Do you think I can never be

enough for you? Is it because I’m a girl too? Or have you already had someone that

you love?” I flooded her with so many questions. I need to find the answer no

matter how hurts it may sound. I have to stop guessing because I know, only she

who has the real answers to each and every question I had there. Jessica had

rejected me, Sunny had betrayed me, what about Tiffany then?

 

“I don’t want to answer your questions. Like I’ve said, I know when my tomorrow

never comes, Tae. I don’t want to hurt you nor do I want to hurt myself. We have

no future, Tae.” Tiffany eyes started to glisten and ready to release the tears as

soon as she blinks.

 

“I can protect you, Fany. I promise I will pick you up and drive you to campus, ask

you every hour regarding your condition fetch you from campus and drive you

home, and accompany you in every meal daily. I even am willing to move to

location near from your rented house if you want me to. I’ll do anything for you,

Fany-ah.” I tried again, hoping she can change her mind. I braced myself and

retried to take her hand into mine. I breathed in relief when she didn’t avoid my

touch.

 

“It’s not enough, Tae. Please don’t make it so hard on me.” She tightened her hold

with my hand and soon after, drips of tears falling out from her eyes endlessly.

 

“Why? What is not enough, Fany? Tell me and I will grant anything for you. I beg

you to just give me a chance; just once. You can even dump me or punch me, kick

me, slap me if I fail you. One chance is all I ask, Fany-ah.” I don’t care if I look

pathetic right now. I know what my heart wants and I won’t let my trauma in love

field preventing me from finding and owning my true love. I feel tears threatened

to be pulled out. I blinked and there they are, flowing down from my eyes to wet

my face rapidly.

 

“I’ll be honest with you, Tae. I was sent here on a mission; to do a duty, but I

cannot tell you what it is because it’s mine and God’s secret. To make it short,

once my duty has been accomplished; my life here within this ephemeral world

will end. When? I’m afraid I can’t tell you because up until now, I don’t know

about it either. All I know is that I have to be ready to be taken no matter what or

when.” Her tears keep streaming and her answer made me shocked. I was and am

speechless. Is she telling the truth?

 

“I know it’s unbelievable and I don’t ask you to believe it either because I know

it’s hard to accept but it’s the main reason why I can’t accept you, Tae. Do you

understand now?” Tiffany squeezed my hand before pulling out her hand.

 

“Wha-why? Why God could mercilessly do this to you? I thought He’s full of love

and affection. How could He want to take you away just like that when you’re the

best bride He can find out there? How could He?” I was more like asking to no

one, still incapable to trust her fully. I clutched my heart, the source of hurt feeling

I feel inside. I have the difficulties to breath and I guess Tiffany realized that when

she moved from her seat and sat beside me.

 

“Taeyeon-ah, please-“

 

“When? When will He take you away? I promise I will take your place and trade

my soul for you.” I didn’t let her finish.

 

“What?! Are you crazy?! I won’t let you do that and so won’t God! Don’t be

stupid, Taeyeon-ah! The matter isn’t that simple like how you can flip your hand

easily!” She scolded me. She slapped me lightly, maybe to make my logic back to

its place.

 

“I don’t care! I like you and I know you like me too, but now we can’t be together

just because of that stupid duty of yours! What sins you’ve done, Fany until He has

heart to sacrifice you just like that?! You are a devout Christian and I know that.

You never fail to visit church each week and you too always read bible every

single day! What are you lack of, Fany? What?!” I raised my voice subconsciously,

attracted other customers attention.

 

“Shuusshh!! Lower down your voice a bit, will you?!” She frowned and I ignored

her by avoiding her gaze. I fumed in anger and had trouble controlling myself. I

mean, how could you when you know your happiness is just in front of your face

but you can’t reach it; you can only aim it without having ability to claim it. It

hurts so damn much!

 

“When did I ever say that I like you too? And if you already know that I’m a

devout Christian, why you still proceeded in confessing to me? You know very

well that my belief forbids me from having a relationship with same gender, right?

I think you are smart enough to answer the rest of your questions yourself.” She

sighed and got up to get back to her place.

 

Her words shattered my heart. I really didn’t expect it one bit that those ruthless

words would ever come out directly from her mouth. I couldn’t say anything to

argue with her reason. She made a move which checkmated me. I kept my silence

yet still failed from preventing my tears from trickling down my eyes. It was just

too sudden and I haven’t prepared my heart to accept the impact of her mean and

direct words. The food came and we ate in silence; the only sound came from the

clinking eating utensils. Finish eating, I drove her back to her campus without

uttering a word.

 

“Thank you.” That was the last thing I heard from her before I roared my engine

and drove back to my apartment.

------------------------------------

 

Her words keep echoing inside my head over and over again. It’s like a reminder

which set automatically and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Up until now

I still can’t believe she did say it to me. Who can I blame but myself then? It’s my

decision to confess and her right to say no. I knew the risk once I determined to say

out my feelings but I failed to predict the worst possibility might happen. I thought

the worst would be she saying not ready or something like that. It was out of my

expectation and yes it hurts, it’s painful, shattering, exasperating, but then again;

what can I do about it?

 

My days are back to what it used to be. I was and still am accompanied by my

longtime best friends, Mr. Vodka, JackD, Wine, etc etc. I don’t mind because

that’s the only friends that won’t hurt me; even Jessica had hurt me in the past but

alcohol? Naah, they never once rejected me or left me behind. I still however do

my duty to drive Jessica like usual but unlike the old me, the Kim Taeyeon is now

can hide her emotion perfectly. I make sure Jessica doesn’t notice the real me who

is already broken and unworthy. I keep my smile attached on face whenever she is

around and try hard to listen and concentrate on the topic so she won’t know that

actually my head is filled by Tiffany and Tiffany only.

 

I had my lessons well and I’ve promised not to ever fall in love again. It has to be

Tiffany and since Tiffany had directly rejected me painfully then that’s the end of

my love story. Pathetic? I don’t care. I don’t think I care about anything recently. I

live my life like a robot, do what I need to do because I must not because I want

and that’s that. I don’t have any more reasons to continue my life. Tiffany at least

has a duty to do and I try to mimic her reason; I still have a duty to do presentation

to deputize my company in that event held tomorrow.

 

After that? I don’t have plan yet on what to do next. Maybe I will just take days off

to be a bummer, be a useless and ungrateful daughter like what my parents accused

me, be an inappropriate and contagious gay Jessica used to tell me, be the third

wheel and relationship crusher like what I did with Sunny, or be a failure writer

and faith destroyer like what Tiffany said indirectly days ago. It’s sad to be me and

it even sadder to know I can’t be someone else and still have to continue my life as

me unwillingly. What about my stories? I have deactivated my account and gone

from that site. Tiffany? I don’t know anything about her anymore since that day.

She didn’t call me and nor did I call her. That’s the best thing I guess?

 

Today is Saturday and I decided to shut down myself fully from the outer world. I

want to be lazy and do nothing; think nothing too perhaps if possible. Jessica called

me earlier, saying she wanted to visit me but I kindly rejected. I said I only needed

sleep the whole day and fortunately she took my lie and agreed. So here I am,

feeling lonely and unworthy. I don’t want to be gay if I have a choice but I don’t.

Love chooses people, not the otherwise and unluckily, I keep falling for girls

instead of men. Do you think I want that? No, I don’t! But I don’t have authority to

select the people whom I want to love! Can I even blame God for making me this

way? It seems that making me abnormal isn’t enough that He keeps sending me

countless trials that I can’t overcome. Preference, parents, family, and love;

mixture of those all and boom!! I praise myself for still being able to retain my

sanity after all this time. I really have the worst luck, don’t I?

 

I look at my reflection from the mirror and I smiled sadly. I look so much different.

With mere days, I was able to reduce my weight by several kilos. I can see the

distinct cheekbones since my baby fats have gone. The collarbone is too obvious

that it scares me. The eye bags are too rounded and dark that makes me look like

Panda. My face is pale and as white as the wall behind me. I sarcastically laughed

and admired myself for being a pabo. If only suicide is legal in holy bible, maybe

I’ve done that. I know hell will be my last and eternal residence once my contract

in this world has finished but I don’t want to be put in the deepest stage of hell so

yeah, that’s why I keep trying to live in spite the lack of desire to go on with my

life.

 

I’m still busy complimenting my negative traits when my phone vibrates. It’s a

message from Yocchun, asking whether my presentation slide is ready or not and

whether I’m ready for tomorrow or not. I reply him, telling that everything is okay

and under control. Have I told you that my hairs fall off easily these days? I think

that’s because of the stress so yeah… sighed. My phone vibrates again but this

time it’s a call from unknown number. I hesitate to answer but in the end, my

curiosity wins and so I answer. My eyes grew wide and I quickly went around the

room to search for a blank paper to write down the room and the address. I didn’t

waste any second for I abruptly changed my clothes, packing things needed for

tomorrow and left the apartment.

-----------------------------------------

 

I'll Trade My Soul for You

 

I ran frantically around the empty hall, asking the girl in charge behind the stuffy

desk, asking whether the name of the patient inside the number I mentioned is true

or not. Unfortunately, she nodded her head twice and with one of her arms, she

pointed the direction where I can find the room I’ve been seeking for. I didn’t

forget to utter thank you words before walking briskly to the room appointed. I

took a deep breath and braced myself before opening the door where I would meet

the person I love the most.

 

“Taeyeon-ah!!” Heechul, Tiffany’s older brother immediately ran to me and

grabbed my right arm to bring me closer to the bed where Tiffany is at.

 

“Oppa~ What happened to her?!” I asked in panic.

 

The blood in me pumped in rapid speed since I’m so panic and worried seeing my

favorite reader not to mention the girl whom I love very much lay helplessly on

bed with oxygen hose attached on her face to help her breathing. I don’t know

what caused her to be in this horrible state but all I know, she’s not fine and

judging by the tools around her; her condition is bad like really bad.

 

“I don’t know, Tae. I found her already fainted when I visited her place yesterday

night. I carried her and rushed here. Doctor has done some checks on her to know

about her detail condition but the result hasn’t come out.” Heechul informed me

with tears wetting his face.

 

“I-is she okay? Has she woken up while being here?” I asked with full concern.

There go away my anger and wrath for her. I can never hate her. Is this what she

meant by she never knew when her tomorrow would never come? Is this the time?

No. Please not now, God.

 

“I-I seriously don’t know, Tae. Doctor said if I was late carrying her here then

there’s big possibility that it would be too late to-“ Heechul couldn’t finish his

words but I already knew what he meant by that. In reflex, I came closer and

hugged him.

 

“Shusshh.. The most important thing is that you’re not late and that she still can be

saved thanks’ to you.” I rubbed his back and he sobbed on my shoulder. He

clutched my shirt and I could hear him mumbling incoherent words. All I could

hear was sorry and be okay please.

 

“Have you eaten yet?” I let go and offered him tissue.

 

I’m so sad seeing Tiffany’s pale face. She looks so helpless and powerless; totally

different from Tiffany I saw the last time I met her. She was so energetic and

happy in spite the argument we did at the end. However, I was so careless to ignore

her after that day. I should have acted more mature and be more understanding

toward her. I should have believed in each word she told me and didn’t act

childishly like then. Sighed. Regrets always come late anyway. What’s the use now

that she’s already in this state.

 

“No. I’m not hungry, Tae. Thank you for asking anyway.” Heechul replied shortly.

He turned around his head and I followed his gesture. He looked at Tiffany and

from his soft gaze, I can see how he loves Tiffany so much. I also notice regret and

pain in his eyes. Perhaps, what he feels are the same with what I feel now.

 

“Let’s eat then. You need food to refill your energy so you can wait for her and

take care of her when she wakes up later.” I tried to persuade him.

 

“I’m not hungry yet, Tae.” He refused almost inaudibly.

 

“But you need to eat. What would Tiffany say if she seeing you suffer and lack of

protein and vitamin just because you’re busy waiting for her. She would be mad

and feeling sad and guilty, right? If you don’t want to do it for yourself then at

least do it for her.” I tried again and it seems work this time because he nodded his

head.

 

“Okay. But we won’t eat for long, okay? I don’t want to leave her and let her be

alone in this room.” He exclaimed and I smiled while nodding my head. We

walked toward the door and I didn’t forget to take a quick glance at Tiffany before

leaving the room.

-------------------------------------

 

“So does she have any illness or disease history before? Have you known what she

had suffered from? I mean, did she ever have serious sickness when she’s still a

child?” I asked while munching my sandwich.

 

“As far as I remember, she has no serious sickness. She was a very healthy girl

when she’s still kid. She wouldn’t even cry when she fell from the sofa when she

was still 2. She didn’t cry when she was bullied by a group of naughty boys when

she’s still in elementary school. She was always happy and optimist. That’s why I

was so startled to find her fainted in her place yesterday. I was panic and was

paralyzed for a moment, didn’t know what to do.” Heechul eyes wandered to the

corner of the room, reminiscing of the night when he found Tiffany.

 

“I see. So what might cause her until she’s in this state? Is it even possible to be

like this when you’re too tired with campus activities? I know recently, she often

spent her time in campus laboratory but I never knew the impact would be this

bad.” I commented.

 

“I don’t know, Tae. I really don’t know. I feel like a bad brother. I should have

known and able to read her body language. I should have noticed if she felt sick

and unhealthy. I should have come sooner before she fainted. It’s all because of

me, Tae. I have failed to be a good brother for her.” Tears seeped out from his eyes

and I scooted closer to him to pat his shoulder in understanding. I know how he

feels right now and I would feel the same if I was in his place.

 

“Has she ever talked to you about her duty or something?” I hinted him. Who

knows he got what I meant and can explain about Tiffany’s background and her

real duty from God to be sent here? Since he is the closest person she can find, I’m

sure he knows much more than me.

 

“Her duty? Errr.. university graduation you meant? I don’t really know the

meaning of your question.” His eyes spoke the truth and I could sense he didn’t lie.

I silently sighed, knowing that I couldn’t retrieve the answer from him.

 

“Nothing. Just ignore it.” I quitted trying to dig deeper. I won’t get anything in

return anyway.

 

“Oh okay.” Heechul responded and quietly continue eating his food lazily. He

looked like he doesn’t have any appetite to eat yet knowing how he needs to stay

healthy in order to be able to stay beside his sister forced him to eat. I’m sorry,

Oppa but you really need to eat because your sister needs you.

 

“Oppa, you look so lousy and improper. You can just go home after this. I will take

care of Tiffany for you.” I said without thinking that I need to do my presentation

tomorrow. I haven’t made my presentation slides; I haven’t prepared myself and

read my paper project for tomorrow. In short, I knew, I’ll do suicide if I decide to

accompany Tiffany instead of preparing for tomorrow but I need to set priority and

Tiffany is my top priority.

 

“What do you mean? No. I won’t go home until she wakes up. I need to stay here

and be the first person when she opens up her eyes. I will not go anywhere,

Taeyeon.” Heechul put down his eating utensils and set the almost half empty plate

aside. He wiped his mouth and chin with the tissue and told me the words firmly.

 

“I promise I will inform you once she wakes up. Your sister being sick is enough,

Oppa. I don’t want you to get sick too. You haven’t slept since yesterday night,

right? The circles under your eyes say it all. You better go home, take a proper rest,

clean up yourself and go back here tomorrow morning.” I tried to persuade him.

 

“But-“

 

“Rest assure for I will never let Tiffany go out of my sight for more than 15

minutes. Well in case I need to poop, it will be usually 5 to 10 minutes.” I joked

and he smiled even though his smile still couldn’t reach his ears.

 

“Are you sure it’s okay? You have work tomorrow, don’t you?” Heechul asked

again.

 

“Yeah I do so I expect you to come back here before 6 am. Do you think you can

do that, Oppa?” I asked him back and he nodded.

 

“Sure. I’ll be here before 5.” He stood up followed by me.

 

“Thank you very much, Taeyeon-ah. I’ll bring you breakfast tomorrow and make

sure you will always give me updates regarding Tiffany’s condition.” We’re

standing in front of Tiffany’s room and he squeezed my shoulder a bit.

 

“No worries. I’ll have my breakfast on my own but thank you for the offer.” I

kindly smiled and he replied my smile before walking away, leaving me with

Tiffany only.

--------------------------------------

 

I opened the door and slowly stepped in. The closer I am with her, the slower my

step is. I still can’t believe up until now that the girl whom I long for is there,

laying helplessly on the bed for sick people. I sighed and dragged the nearby chair

and placed it beside her bed. I sat on it and reached out my arm to fix her fringe

and tuck it behind her ear. She looked so pale with her dried lips and her skin is too

white that it scares me yet it those traits aren’t enough to fade her beauty away.

She’s still amazingly beautiful in spite of everything. I took her hand and held it,

intertwined her fingers with mine. I played with her fingers while my mind was

wandering everywhere. It’s so scattered, thinking of her, what would happen to

her, the possibility of her to survive, the things caused her to be in this state, and

such. Without me knowing, the next second, my tears already dampened my face.

 

“What happened to you, Fany-ah?” I started to talk to the unconscious person in

front of me.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me what really happened with you beforehand? You’ve had

premonition about this, haven’t you? You already knew that one day you’d be end

in this state of critical, right?” I continued with tears streaming out from my eyes

freely.

 

“Don’t you love your brother? Don’t you love you parents? Don’t you love me

even only as a friend? If you do or at least did, then why didn’t you inform us?

Why you have to make us worried and feel uncertain of your current condition?

Why?” My voice is getting weakened since I knew she would never be able to

answer my questions, at least not now.

 

“Aren’t we important people in your life, Fany?” I bit my lips hard to prevent

myself from sobbing and sniffing.

 

“God, why did you have to plan cruel fate to her? She’s such a very adorable

woman. She never prioritized herself before You and people whom she loves.

She’s so selfless and she always does your commandment and avoids your

interdiction, so why? Why, God? Why her? Why not me?” I duck my head and

continued crying on her bed sheet. I just couldn’t accept the fact, moreover with

the fact that I don’t understand what’s really happening here.

 

“If you want to punish a person, then you should punish me, God because I’m a

big sinner here, not her. She’s a holy lamb while I’m nothing but a sinner who

defies my God and families. I’m far from good, God. I even cannot accept the fact

that I was born as a woman since I always fall in love with a woman instead of

man. What good things I’ve ever done, God? Close to nothing, right?” I said

pathetically. All of these words reminded me of my painful past. I shut my eyes

tightly, letting more tears out from my already swollen eyes.

 

“I betray my religion. I betray my parents just to be someone who was out of my

reach. At the end, she still can’t be mine. I then divert my feeling to a girl named

Sunny. I thought she would be my last shelter, the place where I could finally

devote my life to yet I found out that she already has a fiancé. Now I fall in love

with this girl in front of me and again I have to accept the fact that she’s in a bad

state. I haven’t known the reason why though. Do you hate me that much, God? If

so, then please hate me all you want but please don’t take her away from her

families. She has everything I don’t have and I don’t want her to end up worse than

me.” I fell down on my knee and attached my forehead on the floor, vent out all of

my hidden feelings.

 

“I’m not the only one who love her, God. Her families love her too. Her friends

love her. But if You forbid me that much to love her and threaten You’ll take her if

I continue loving her then I’m willing to sacrifice myself and stop loving her. Just

please.. Please bring her back to her loved ones. I realize I don’t deserve her, your

perfect creature named Tiffany. I’m just a sinner and I forgot my place. I admit it,

God.” I bang my hand to the cold floor weakly.

 

 I was about to continue talking to no one when I heard my phone rang. I looked at

the home screen and it showed that Jessica was the caller. I touched the screen and

slide it to the right to pick up the call. I didn’t forget to clear up my throat before

greeting her. She asked me where I was because she had come to my house just to

find it empty. I told here where I am and she said she would be here soon and bring

my laptop so I could prepare my slides and presentation for tomorrow. I didn’t

forget to utter thank you words and she ended the call. I put my phone on the small

table beside Tiffany’s bed and back to my seat.

 

“That was Jessica.” I pretended that Tiffany was able to hear me. Well since she’s

capable to foresee her destiny, I’m sure even though her body is subconscious, her

heart will still able to see and hear me. You’re here, right Fany? I chuckled to my

own silliness.

 

“Have I told you that lately Jessica is surprisingly so nice to me? I haven’t, have

I?” I took her hand and rubbed my thumb over her back of hand.

 

“I guess I was too busy confessing my feelings to you and show you that I meant

every word I said that I forgot to tell the latest update about Jessica.” I started to

tell her the story about Jessica and I.

 

“Where should I start, hmm? Okay.. She’s always around me and can barely let me

off of her sight. It’s kind of weird, right? Knowing how she used to despise me so

much after the confession I made months ago. And she’s broken up with Donghae

too. I didn’t want to tell you the reason why because it would make this story an

endless one and I don’t want to make you feel bored.” I grabbed the glass filled

with water and gulped it.

 

“She’s so thoughtful and caring too. She often visits me to help me with my works.

Ah! I haven’t told you that I got promoted, right? I tell you now~ I’m a supervisor

now and it means more work, work, and work! I even have to sacrifice my holiday

to do my job! Can you imagine that?!” I said exaggeratingly.

 

“Her behavior towards me is so suspicious. She’s jealous of Sunny without any

clear reasons! I ever asked her why yet she changed the topic. Don’t you think it’s

bizarre? I even ever thought that she has feelings for me which is impossible,

right?” I laughed a bit, but surely not wholeheartedly. I mean, how can I when only

sadness fills my heart thanks’ to you, Tiffany.

 

“But even if she does, what can I do when the one I love is you? I don’t have

anything to give To Jessica now. My heart is taken by you, wholly. What should I

do now? You have to be responsible for my heart, Fany-ah. Even if you want to

give my heart back to me, you need to be conscious to do it.” I don’t know why I

suddenly go back to this topic again, knowing it would only make my mood worse.

 

“It means you have to wake up so you can give back my heart. I will even allow

you to throw it right to my face instead of give it back nicely. Just, wake up please.

I miss your voice. I miss hearing your ridicule and mockery words. I miss you,

Fany-ah. I need you. Your families need you too. Wake up, please?” I braced

myself and took the liberty to get up, bent my body and placed a kiss on your

forehead.

 

“I love you. I truly do.” I rubbed the area where I just kissed her. If she was awake,

I’m sure I already got my face hit or thrown by vase or something bigger. I sighed

and smiled sadly. How I wish you to wake up soon, Fany. I was about to say

another thing when I heard the door cracked open and it was no one but Jessica.

--------------------------------------------

 

“Hey..” She greeted me before closing the door behind her.

 

“Hi, Jessi. Come here.” I told her and she nodded her head. She put down her

belongings on the bigger couch in front of TV. She then dragged the same chair as

mine and set it beside me.

 

“It’s Tiffany. Tiffany, this is Jessica, the person I told you about before. She’s

beautiful, isn’t she? So you’re no longer curious why I ever fell for this girl, right?”

I forgot the fact that there’s another person, worse the person named Jessica yet I

bluntly said those words without thinking about the impact beforehand.

 

“Yah. You’re embarrassing me! Anyway, hi Tiffany. I’m Jessica and I’m

Taeyeon’s friend. It’s nice to meet you.” Jessica followed my acting and she

smiled genuinely at the sleeping beauty.

 

“She’s one of my readers in AFF, Jessi. She’s my favorite reader honestly.” I

gestured her to sit beside me and she did.

 

“So, what happened to her?” Jessica asked.

 

“I don’t know. Perhaps, tomorrow the doctor will give the result. She is beautiful,

isn’t she? Even when she’s sleeping with bare face, it still cannot change the fact

that she’s still undoubtedly beautiful.” I exclaimed with a smile decorating my

face.

 

“Do you like her?” Jessica ignored my explanation regarding Tiffany’s feature and

asked me.

 

“No.”

 

“I love her.”

 

“I-is that so?” Jessica’s voice quivered yet I don’t know why. Her trembling voice

made me turn around to face her just to see her covered in tears. I raised my

eyebrows and wrinkled my face in full concern.

 

“What happened?” I asked Jessica gently.

 

“Do you not know? Are you really that blind or are you really that dumb, Taeyeon-

ah?” Jessica roughly wiped her tears before getting her bag and ran through the

door and vanished just like that. It took me seconds to realize what just occurred.

 

“Sh-she likes me?” I asked to myself and I hurriedly followed Jessica outside.

 

I ran through the narrow corridor in purpose to seek for the familiar blonde woman

I used to love very much. I need to explain to her and prevented her from

misunderstanding the situation. But then again, what should I say to her? If my

feelings are proven to be true and that she has more than just friendly feelings for

me, what should I do? I feel so confused and lost. I don’t even know where my

foot will drag me to yet I believe I can find Jessica. Where are you, Jessi?

 

“Jessi!!” I saw her petite body from behind. Her blonde lock is the most features

which can make me easily detect her. I sped up my foot movement and grabbed

her wrist.

 

“Let go of me!” Her voice echoed through the corridor, made everyone around us

turned their heads to look at me. I sighed and stared at her with begging

expression, secretly pleaded her to follow me.

 

“Jessi, we need to talk.” I softened my voice.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Jessica intended to pull her wrist but I gripped it

tightly that she couldn’t do anything about it. I made sure my grip wouldn’t be too

hard for I don’t want to hurt her.

 

“Please, Jessica?” I begged her and she calmed down a bit. Her nose flared and she

looked at me with full of disappointment more than hatred. I can also detect wrath

from her eyes and I knew I deserved it.

-----------------------------------

 

“What do you want to talk about?” Jessica asked me as soon as we sat on the table

for two inside the restaurant few blocks from the hospital where Tiffany is at.

 

“What do you mean by those words?” I answered her with another question.

Before she even has chance to answer, a waiter came and asked for our orders. I

just ordered orange juice while she ordered lime squash.

 

“I won’t repeat what I have said to you earlier. It’s your fault for not hearing it and

understanding it properly.” Jessica scoffed. I didn’t know I have to laugh because

she’s mad over a simple thing or have to feel guilty for I was to blind over many

things that I failed to figure out Jessica’s feelings for me. Now that I remember

about that, maybe I should ask her while I have chance.

 

“Jessi, is it possible that you have feelings for me?” I hesitantly asked her. I

secretly hoped she would confidently said that I was just too arrogant and full of

myself so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty and hurt her at the same time.

 

“…………….” Her eyes wandered anywhere but me. She avoided my gaze and

couldn’t even say a word to answer my simple question.

 

“The real reason why I broke up with Donghae isn’t because he’s a jerk. Well, he

is a jerk but it just added more reason for me to break up with him. I wouldn’t

know how to end our relationship if he was a gentleman and understanding person.

I don’t even know I should feel lucky or guilty for utilizing it as the main reason

for break up with him.” Jessica didn’t directly answer my question but I chose to

listen to her and let her speak.

 

“I used to hate you very much for daringly said those words to me. I always

thought of you as my best friend or even like a sister. I always shared everything to

nothing with you. That’s how much I trusted you. I believed you would treat me

the same and never once a thought of you liking me more than just best friend

crossed my mind.” Jessica paused.

 

“You didn’t have any idea how shocked I was to know that you liked me more

than best friend. You even said you loved me. Leaving you in shame was a reflex

and I knew it was wrong. I’m so sorry, Taeng. Yet, my horrible attitude toward you

didn’t end there. I treated you like a shadow. I ignored your existence and gave my

best effort to avoid you as much as I could. I deliberately spent my whole time

with Donghae and even purposely showed PDA in front of you to show you that I

was normal, much different from you.” Jessica stopped when the waiter came and

served us our drinks. Yet I noticed her using past tenses instead of present. She

used to be normal? What’s the meaning of that? At this time, I was reminded of

Tiffany’s mockery who said that my brain is Pentium II. Sighed. How I miss her so

much.

“That’s okay.” I smiled sincerely at her and she sipped her drink a bit. She inhaled

deeply and continued.

 

“That’s not just that. I didn’t even deny or tried to defend you when Donghae said

bad things about you. Heck I was even the person who told him about your gay

minded. I told him how you shamelessly confessed to me even when you knew that

both of us are women. He laughed at that and said that you’re sick and crazy. What

made me feel worse is the fact that I joined him and laughed along over your

innocent and pure feelings for me.” Jessica bit her lower lips and soon a tear

escaped her eye.

 

I was too shock hearing such confession from her to even react. I clenched my fist,

trying hard to redeem my anger and disappointment toward her. I shouldn’t be mad

at her since it was partially my fault too. If only I didn’t confess to her, then she

wouldn’t have any reason to bad mouthing me. It cannot be called bad mouthing

too since what she told Donghae is true. I gripped hard at my own drink and sipped

it, trying to calm down and braced myself better.

 

“I’m so sorry, Taeyeon-ah.” Jessica seemed noticed my darkened expression and

moved her hand to touch mine. I let her yet I didn’t say nor did I do any

movement.

 

“Just continue, Jessica.” I stated flatly.

 

“Time passed and perhaps you didn’t realize but I know how you often stole a

glance or two at me. I deliberately pretended not to know but I know. I also noticed

how you’ve lost some kilos in such a short time. And that’s all caused by me. I’m

the worst, aren’t I?” Jessica chuckled bitterly. When she smiled, her tears streamed

down more rapidly and I this time succeeded to defeat my own ego. I took the

tissue faster before her hand could reach it. I moved my body forward and grazed

her cheek tenderly to brush the tears away.

 

“Hey, don’t cry. It’s all in the past anyway. We’re good now, aren’t we?” I cooed

her. I was about to draw back my hand when her hold prevented me from taking

back my hand. She moved my hand and made my temple caress her cheek. She

closed her eyes and glued her cheek closer.

 

Jessica.”

 

“About your question earlier. Yes I do. I like you Taeyeon-ah.” Jessica opened up

her eyes and straightforwardly stated. I quickly took my hand and my eyes grew

widely.

 

It’s not that I didn’t expect it. Her kindness she showed toward me lately had been

more than enough to show that she had more feelings for me but hearing it directly

from her mouth felt totally different. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know

what to say. I didn’t know what to do. It was too sudden and the one whom I really

love is still lying helplessly in the ward. Her sobbing sound made me look up and I

saw the most heartbreaking scene before me. Jessica cried her tears out. The tears

flowed down freely and drenched her face.

 

“Jessi.. Stop crying.” I scooted my chair to beside of her and hugged her sideways.

 

“How can I stop it when I know that I’m too late? You already move on and

there’s nothing I can do about it. You even met Sunny along the way and free from

Sunny, you met Tiffany and fall for her.” Jessica hid her head inside my crook and

continued crying. Her tears dampened my shirt yet I didn’t care about it.

 

“Jessica-“

 

“I just realized how I was fooling myself by trying to replace you with Donghae

when you’re no longer available. You’re not him and he forever can’t be you. He’s

different. He couldn’t treat me as gentle as you. He couldn’t be as understanding as

you. He couldn’t hear as attentive as you. He couldn’t prioritize me like you did.

He is not you, Taeng.” Jessica murmured yet I still could hear what she said. I

rubbed her back softly and soothed her.

 

“You can expect someone to be someone else, Jessi. And based on your words,

probably you just feel like you’ve lost me. You missed me yes but not more than

that. Now that we’ve back, eventually your feelings will talk for yourself that you

don’t like me that way. You just missed me and that’s that.” I told her and she

shook her head in disapproval.

 

“You are wrong, Tae. If you think that I haven’t thought that way too, then you are

wrong. At first , I thought what you’ve told me yet the more days I passed with

you, the more I feel that these feelings are real. I didn’t even feel this when I was

with Donghae.” Jessica tilted her head and looked at me in the eyes.

 

“Here. Can you feel this?” Jessica took my left hand and placed it above her heart.

I attached my palm on her chest and I could feel her heart thumping loudly. The

rate is unstable and there’s no rhythm on it. It’s the same with my heartbeat when

I’m face to face with the one I love. Is it possible that-

 

“I cannot even call it like anymore since my heart always acts this way whenever

I’m with you. I’m in love with you, Taeng.” Jessica finally said it. Those three

words. The same words I ever said to her months ago.

 

“I, Jessica Jung who has more pride than anyone you’ve ever known could even go

as far as approaching you first and asked you to have lunch with me. You still

remember that, don’t you?” She asked and I nodded.

 

“Don’t you have anything to say, Taeng? I have prepared myself for rejection but

knowing that I will hear it directly from your mouth, I believe my preparation

wouldn’t be enough to catch me when I fall and made me stop crying over you.”

Jessica forced a smile and I knew how hard it must be to smile like that.

 

“It’s not that, Jessi. I just didn’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt you.” I

stated honestly and she smiled a little before moving her hand upward and touched

my cheek.

 

“Sometimes you need to be firmer and stricter toward yourself, sacrificing one

person so you can have your happiness with the one you love. I know you love that

person even when you haven’t said it to me. I can see it from your eyes. They said

that eyes are the window to your soul. I guess that’s true after all.” Jessica

encouraged me that it’s okay to say no to her. I knew that being too soft and cannot

be firm is one of my biggest weakness that I cannot overcome until now and I

think Jessica knows it too.

 

“I’m.. I’m sorry, Jessi but this heart is no longer mine so I have no right to give it

to anyone. Not before she directly say no me. But even if she says no, I don’t think

I can give it back to anyone but her.” I finally could say it even not that smoothly.

Jessica weakly nodded her head and smiled much more sincerely this time.

 

“At least you answered it directly in front of me and not running away like what I

did when you confessed to me. Thank you, Taeyeon-ah.” Jessica leaned in closer

and pecked my cheek. I blushed immediately and she giggled. She’s still beautiful

even when her eyes are red and there are eye bags under her eyes.

 

“You are welcome. Move on, please?” I used my brush to wipe the remaining tears

on her face.

 

“Not now. I still want to cherish the feelings I have for you.” She reasoned out and

I tilted my head in confusion.

 

“Why in a rush, Taeyeon-ah? I don’t fall in love with a wrong person anyway. You

are nothing but perfect in my eyes and if not because my own fault for letting

doubt possessed me, I’m sure we’re together by now.” Jessica grabbed my hand

and entwined my fingers with her.

 

“But I will only hurt you.”

 

“How can an innocent woman like you hurt me? You did nothing wrong, Taeng.

What’s wrong in this situation is just the timing. I was too late and you have

moved on. Aside from that, nothing is wrong. Loving you is not a wrong thing, is

it?” Jessica asked me and I could only sigh.

 

“I just don’t want your love unrequited, Jessi. Find out a better person out there.

I’m sure you can have a woman or man who is much better than me. I don’t

deserve your love.” I sadly stated and hang my head low.

 

“Who said so? Even blind person can still see how kind you are, Taeyeon-ah. You

can’t even slap a mosquito and choose to sacrifice your blood to be sucked by it

just because you pity it. You said it wouldn’t bite if it wasn’t hungry. You came

home with many small bums and your mother was so shocked that she

immediately gave traditional oil all over your body.” Jessica retold the story about

us when we were still kids.

 

Mother eh? Where is she now? I wonder how my families are. Do they still

remember me? Do my brothers realize that they have sister named Kim Taeyeon?

Does my father remember that he ever had a daughter named Kim Taeyeon? Does

my mother remember that she ever gave birth to a girl named Kim Taeyeon?

Without my knowing, tears already fell out from my eyes and it seemed like

Jessica knew that her words could only remind me of the people who used to call

me part of their families.

 

“I’m so sorry, Taeyeon-ah. I didn’t mean to-“

 

“It’s fine, Jessica. It’s just me who’s too overacting about it. But yeah, you are

right. I couldn’t even hit a mosquito when I was a child but look what I have done

now? I hurt your feelings. I made my families disappointed and disgusted of my

well-being that they chased me out from the place I used to call home. I’m the

worst, Jessi.” I bitterly smiled while letting tears dripping out from my two eyes.

 

“No you aren’t. They just haven’t accepted you the way you are, Taeng. Give them

some time to digest the fact that you are what you are and eventually, they will

come to their senses and accept you back. Trust me.” Jessica squeezed my hand a

little to reassure me.

 

“Thank you, Jessi.”

 

“Taeyeon-ah.”

 

“Yes?” I answered.

 

“Just say it, Jessi.” I saw hesitation in her eyes and she took a long breath.

 

“If only.. If she cannot return your feelings, what will you do? Can- can you give

us a chance?” Her question was like a storm on the calm ocean. It made me realize

that it could indeed happen. I was too confident that Tiffany had feelings for me.

Her eyes said it. Her caring attitude said it. But what if those were just how she

expressed her feelings to a sister or best friend? Yet I already know what answer I

would give to Jessica.

 

“If that happens, then I will patiently wait for her. Like a sea which won’t dry, my

love for her will never be empty too. It will never dry and even as season changes

and time goes by, I will always be here and stand by her. Always.” I confidently

stated it and Jessica looked surprised hearing such words coming out from me.

 

“You really do love her, huh?” She weakly asked.

 

“I do.” I smiled.

 

“When.. When will you decide whether to continue waiting or to stop waiting?”

She asked again with full of hope reflected on her eyes.

 

“I’m not sure about that, Jessi. As you have seen, she is incapable to give me

answer by now. She’s unconscious and I don’t know when she will wake up. Yet,

for sure, I will wait for her to wake up first, make sure that she’s alright and when

the time is right, I will try to confess to her again and make sure my feelings will

be conveyed better this time.” I told her sadly. Tiffany-ah, when will you wake up?

 

“One more question, Taeng.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“Let’s just say for the worst possibility. What if she never wakes up?” The

question startled me.

 

“She will.” I exclaimed confidently.

 

“How do you know?”

 

“I just know. Because, I will even willing to trade my soul for her if that’s what it

takes to make her wake up and continue her life like before.” I continued and this

time, it’s Jessica’s turn to be surprised.

 

“Wh-what do you mean?”

 

“Nothing. Let’s go now. I miss her already.” I smiled widely and signaled the

waiter to come so I can pay my bill.

--------------------------------------

 

“Tae.” Jessica called me and I turned my head around. She asked me to go on first

since she wanted to get something from her car baggage and I said yes. I was

waiting and innocently staring at the girl before me. Her pale face, her dried lips,

her helpless state were totally different from the last time I met her.

 

“Yes?” I replied and she gave a laptop bag to me.

 

“Here is your laptop. I asked your place owner to give the spare key. I’m sorry I

told her that I was your girlfriend so she would give the access to enter your

apartment.” Jessica shyly admitted and I smiled gently, saying that it’s totally

okay.

 

“I brought this so you can make the presentation slides for tomorrow. You didn’t

forget that you need to prepare yourself for tomorrow’s occasion, right? It’s

important, Tae.” Jessica noticed how I giggled and scratched my head.

 

“Omo! You forgot! Geez~ Be thankful for having me as your best friend or I

guarantee you’ll be found dead by tomorrow. It’s a huge tender, Tae and your

hardworking will be fruitless and meaningless if you stop here. Go, make the

presentation now.” Jessica handed me the laptop and looked pissed yet I know she

just wanted to be nice to me. She’s nice after all.

 

“Thank you, Jessi. What would I do without you, huh?” I got up and hugged her

tightly. Her breath is short when I hug her and yes, I acknowledge it.

 

“Where will you do the work? You can go to café if you want. I will look after her

while you’re gone.” Jessica offered.

 

“Naah.. I can work here. You can go home if you want, you know. You don’t need

to wait for me. I’m fine on my own.” Jessica immediately shook her head in

disagreement.

 

“No. I want to accompany you and make sure that you have everything ready for

tomorrow. What if you fall asleep and there’s no one available to remind you or

wake you up on time?” Jessica insisted and I chuckled.

 

“Okay. You win. You can sleep on the long couch while I will take the single one.

Is that okay?” I gave up and allowed her. She nodded and walked to the long

couch.

 

“I will go to sleep first, Tae. Wake me up if you feel sleepy. I will try to help you

or at least be there to accompany you doing the presentation slides.” Jessica

informed me.

 

“Of course. Sleep tight, Jessi.” I approached her and helped her to lie comfortably

on the couch. I grabbed the pillow used by Heechul and placed it below her head.

Next, I pulled the small blanket to cover her body up to her chest.

 

“Thank you, Taeng.” Jessica stared at me deeply.

 

“You are welcome. Good night.” I bent down my body and kissed her temple. I

saw her closing her eyes when I kissed her. In the next seconds, I knew Jessica had

fallen into a deep slumber with a genuine smile attached on her face.

 

“I’m sorry but I cannot love you as I used to. Find a better person for me, Jessi.” I

sat in front of her and talked to her, pretending she could hear my words when I

know she couldn’t. I moved from my seat and occupied the single couch beside

where Jessica is sleeping at. I started my laptop and waited. I glanced at Tiffany

before focusing back onto my laptop and started to make the presentation slides.

-----------------------------------------

 

“We will provide you with best services our company have and assure that

everything we will use within this project is made in Korea and by Korean people.”

I said to important people who are part of Board of Director from other companies

and of course with the tender executant.

 

“These are some of services we will provide along with the pictures of tools we

currently have to help you move the oil from its sources. Not only that, our

company is pretty known well for its technology which will help you to do

visibility study regarding the geologic features of the parents’ rock.” I ended my

presentation with a contented smile. Not long after I could hear people clapping

their hands and some of them nodding their head in understanding. My smile got

wider and I bowed to the audiences.

 

“Good job, Taeng!” Jessica immediately stood up and hugged me when I was

approaching my table.

 

“See? I told you that you can nail it and you just did! I didn’t choose the wrong

person, did I? Let’s just hope that they can award us as the tender winner.”

Yoochun shook my hand and tapped my shoulder in with satisfied face.

 

“Thank you everyone. I didn’t think I can do it since I didn’t have any preparation

the night before. Do you think I was okay?” I turned my head and asked both of

them.

 

“You did more than just okay, Taeng.” Jessica raised her thumbs up and I smiled

again.

 

“She’s right. Now we just have to relax and wait for the announcement.” Yoochun

leaned his shoulder back comfortably.

 

“We still need to pay attention to other competitors for your information.” I

frowned and told him.

 

“Who cares for others when I know my representative is much way better than

them.” He shrugged and closed his eyes. I could only shake my head before

grabbing my phone and checked it.

 

There’s a new message from Heechul. I immediately wrinkled my eyebrows when

I was reading the message. The content told me that the result from Tiffany’s

examination has out yet the doctor still couldn’t determine what went wrong with

her. He also said that all of Tiffany’s organs are functioning well. What happened

with her then I wonder? I quickly got up and said to Yoochun and Jessica that I

wanted to make a call. Yoochun nodded while Jessica stared at me curiously. I

gave her a sorry look before dialing Heechul’s number and walked outside.

 

“Oppa! How is she??” I asked without knowing that I walked toward kitchen area.

 

“Her condition is still the same, unconscious and pale. There’s no progress or

improvement showed. I just hope she can wake up soon, Tae. I miss her already.”

He earnestly told me through the phone line.

 

“I know. I feel the same way too. What did the doctor say about her? Did he tell

about the possibility for her to wake up?” I eagerly pried. I stopped at the doorway

and tapped my feet on the floor restlessly.

 

“He wasn’t that brave to give guarantee regarding that. He just told me to stay

strong and keep on hoping, saying that miracles happen. Sighed. I don’t know

whether the doctor is not that competent or because it’s true that her condition is

unknown. Do you think I need to move her to States or bigger hospital?” He asked

me. I took time to contemplate while eyeing the situation around me. Actually I

never knew that Tiffany’s family would be this rich. Perhaps she is indeed to

humble that she prefers to use motorcycle.

 

“Let’s just wait and see for now. Did he say he would redo the examination?

Probably he missed something. He is still a human anyway and trial and error is

normal.” I advised him. From the corner of my eyes, I could see the man who

looked very familiar entering the kitchen area.

 

“Anyway, Oppa. I’ll call you again later okay? I’m in important meeting now. Is

that alright?” I hurriedly tried to end up the call.

 

“Okay. You take care. I’ll see you here then.”

 

“Yep! See you.” I hung up and hindered my petite body from his sight. I swear he

looked so suspicious. I gave my best effort to zoom in my vision and yes, I finally

could recognize this person. He’s the company owner of one of our competitors

who sent a young and bright girl as his representative, yet the woman who

presentated for him wasn’t that good if I have to say.

 

His company was always the one that’s hard to be defeated, especially in bidding

process. His HSE plan, administrative documents, and commercial documents are

always as competitive and great as my company. The last time his company joined

the tender with us, his company won it. Out score wasn’t that far from him but

well, what more can I say? But then again, what is he doing here anyway?

 

I saw him giving money and a small bottle to the office boy. He whispered

something unheard by me and it added my suspiciousness. I decided to stay and

observed him further. My feelings say there’s something wrong and I believe that

there will be something wrong. I hide behind the wall and glued my head while

still focusing my sight at him. I saw the office boy boiling hot water and both of

them waited for the water to be boiled. He poured the water into the glass filled

with coffee powder and stirred it using tea spoon. He then dripped the liquid into

the coffee and stirred it again watched by the man. He evilly smirked and tapped

the office boy shoulder before walking approach my direction. I in reflex quickly

hid myself further, away from his sight. I shook my head and just thought to go

back to my table.

-------------------------------------------

 

“This is your coffee, Sir. Please enjoy.” I immediately turned my head around

hearing voice coming from behind me. I saw the waiter whom I was sure was

given money by the wicked man earlier. I tried hard to keep my composure and not

to be shocked by his appearance on my table.

 

“Thank you.” Yoochun gave his best smile and soon the waiter excused himself.

 

“Hmm.. This is just what I need to fight against the cold room thanks’ to the

central air conditioner.” Yoochun murmured to himself.

 

“You just need to admit that you love to drink coffee so much, Sir.” Jessica

commented. I ignored their remarks as I tilted my head to seek the man who gave

the money to the waiter and yes, I found him sitting just two tables behind our

table. He is smirking so evilly, anticipating Yoochun to drink it but of course I

won’t let him.

 

“Yep! But no one can make coffee as perfect as my partner. He’s the best when it

comes to coffee.” By now, Jessica has known about Yoochun’s real preference.

Perhaps that’s also the reason why they are close recently.

 

“Judging by the looks of it. That coffee seems delicious.” Jessica exclaimed and I

finally realized how the coffee is dangerous. I’m sure the waiter has poured

poisonous liquid into the coffee and I need to stop Yoochun from drinking it.

 

“Let’s see about that.” Yoochun took the cup and brought it onto his mouth.

 

“Don’t drink that!” I quickly yelled and slapped the glass away, making it dropped

on the floor with a clank sound. It’s shattered messily and drips of coffee can be

seen everywhere, dirtying the used to be clean porcelain.

 

“How dare you!” The man stood up and walked to our direction.

 

“What happened here?” Yoochun asked in confusion.

 

“He! He’s trying to poison you! He gave money to the waiter, trying to bribe him

and persuade him to pour the poisonous liquid into your coffee.” I explained while

pointing my finger at him. He looked startled for a second yet in another second;

he has gained his calmness attitude back. All eyes on us and the presentation

upfront have stopped too. I could hear from a far people calling for police and help.

Yet it doesn’t help to retain my nerve. I stil feel nervous as hell and so I brace

myself and prepare for the worst to happen.

 

“Now that you have revealed my secret and ruined my plan to win the tender plus

made him dead, I have nothing to lose anymore and I can do this without any

regret!” The man moved his hand and slipped it into his pocket. Soon afer, a gun

revealed and pointed at Yoochun direction.

 

“DIE!” He yelled and in reflex I jumped and yelled back.

 

“NO!!” That’s the last thing I said and Yoochun’s yell calling out my name was

the last thing I heard. Jessica’s shocked and full of tears face was the last thing I

see before I collapsed and lost my consciousness.

----------------------------------------

 

“Where am I?” I murmured to myself when I woke up and I didn’t know where I

was. The last thing I could recall was when I jumped to cover Yoochun’s body

plus save him from the gun shoot. The rest? I couldn’t remember.

 

I was lying on my chest when I woke up. I couldn’t see anything but whiteness

surrounded me. I used my palms to withstand my body weight and sat up. I looked

around just to find no difference between the place I was sitting at and the place

around me. As far as I can see, it’s all white and the air is so thick yet I don’t feel

suffocated at all. Vice versa, it feels so refreshing and it makes me wonder how

and why. I decided to get up and stand on my feet. I massaged my temple, trying to

contemplate what really had happened. Is it only a dream? I doubted it so I pinched

my own cheek and I screamed because it felt surely hurt. I guess it’s not just a

dream and that’s why it feels so real.

 

“Are you done trying to guess where you are now?” A man voice startled me and

in reflex I turned my body around to face whoever he is.

 

“Who are you?” I asked him. His face looks so familiar like I’ve ever seen him my

whole life. He has beard and mustache on his face with shoulder length hair. His

hair is wavy and brown in color. He is quite handsome I must say. One think I’m

sure of, he is definitely not Korean because he is too handsome to be one and his

skin tone defines that he is probably from Middle East or something.

 

“Have you finished guessing who I am?” He smiled genuinely and yep! He is

handsome. Anyway, how could he know what I was thinking? He’s not a fortune

teller, is he?

 

“I’m not a fortune teller but I do know everything. I know what you’re thinking. I

know what will happen tomorrow. I know who Tiffany Hwang is. I know your

parents. I know when you were born. I even the one who chose Mr, Kim and Mrs.

Kim to be your parents.” He told me and I frowned.

 

“Do you still not know me?” He sighed for a moment but only for a second. He

looked up and approached me. I automatically stepped back to avoid him.

 

“Do not afraid of me, my child. I mean no harm.” He said to me. Oddly, his words

soothed me and I stayed still. He walked to my direction and held me on my

shoulder.

 

“Follow me.” He said and we started to walk forward. To where? I don’t even

know myself.

 

“So, I assume you don’t remember what happened, why you’re here, and who I

am. Correct?” He started the conversation and I earnestly nodded my head. He

chuckled and continued walking with me beside him.

 

“First of all. It’s your soul who is here while your body is lying unconscious on the

bed of hospital. Come and see for yourself.” We arrived in front of a huge gate

made of finest porcelain I’ve ever seen. In a blink, the area around me changed and

the plain floor turned into a very beautiful park full of blooming flowers with

different color. In the middle of park, a fountain suddenly appeared and fresh water

flows on it. Benches popped out from the ground and soon after, the view is totally

different from before.

 

“Surprised?” He chuckled and I with an open mouth, wildly hanging could only

nod slowly.

 

“Don’t be. You’ll be more surprised later.” He exclaimed and walked inside the

gate. I followed him again.

 

“This is my place, a place which actually shouldn’t be visited before you die but

let’s just say only for this time I make an exception. It’s a place where you can be

if you did good things in life.” He explained and I nodded in understanding. I think

he indirectly said that this is a heaven.

 

“Look upfront.” He requested me and I did.

 

The wall out of nowhere turned into a flat screen where I could see myself on it. I

was shocked, too shocked actually. We were standing facing the wall ahead, seeing

a movie where I was in it. He’s right about me. I saw myself lying helplessly on

the bed with small hose attached on my body, maybe to help me breathing. I could

also see Jessica sobbing badly beside me with Yoochun rubbing Jessica’s back to

soothe her down. Junsu was there too, sitting on the single couch while carrying

his baby. The baby looked so cute and innocent, unlike me who is full of nothing

but sins.

 

“Taeng! Taeyeon-ah, please wake up. I know you can make it. You cannot leave

me like this. Please, I beg you. I haven’t even had chance to reply all of your

kindness to me. I was about to so please God, hear my plead. Don’t take her away

from me.” Jessica mumbled but loud enough to be heard by people inside the ward

and by me of course.

 

“Calm down, Jessi. I’m sure she will be fine. She is a strong woman. Sighed. If

only she didn’t jump to save me, maybe she wouldn’t be here and suffer like this.”

Yoochun patted Jessica’s back and cried along with her.

 

“Don’t say that, Chunnie. What happened had happened anyway. All we can do

now is wait and pray.” Junsu got up and talked to his husband.

 

“Taeyeon-ah. I don’t know what to say to you. You have saved my husband yet I

haven’t even got chance to say thank you to you. We haven’t even known each

other and introduced ourselves properly. Wake up soon so I can say thank you

directly to you while shaking your hand in a nice gestures. Thank you so much,

Taeyeon-ah.” Junsu said to my body. I could detect tears dampen his face and

Yoochun came to hug his husband and his baby.

 

“Yunnie.. Say thank you to auntie Taetae.” Junsu said to his cute baby.

 

“Aunty Taetae.. Thenngg kkyuuu.” Junsu deliberately moved his baby closer to my

face. The baby named Yunho or usually called Yunnie looked down, gave me his

best innocent smile and kissed my cheek. I was touched and unconsciously, I cried

too.

 

“I think that’s enough for now.” Seeing that I could barely handle my emotion, he

brought his hand upward and snapped his fingers. In a split second, the view before

me vanished in a sudden. I threw my gaze away from hin, feeling slightly

embarrass.

 

“So, have you figured out who I am?” He asked again. I wiped my tears first

before turning around and nodding my head.

 

“You are whom people cherish and worship. You are who people believe can be

the savior and save them from eternal punishment.” He seemed satisfied hearing

my answer that he smiled sincerely.

 

“Why am I here then?” I asked him again. He ignored my question and again

walked in front of me. I obediently followed him until we slowed down toward a

gazebo surrounded by beautiful park full of colorful flowers. He ascended the

stairs and sat on the swing in front of me. I occupied the seat beside him and he

cleared his throat a little.

 

“Everything happens for a reason.” He started and I chose to be silent and heard

him attentively.

 

“And so what had happened to you. It happens for a reason too. If you are

wondering, you are between life and death. You are still alive in the real world yet

in an unconscious state because your soul is here as you probably have known.” He

paused.

 

“If you are asking or about to ask why you are brought here by Me; It’s because I

need to explain one or two things regarding Tiffany Hwang.” His words startled

me. But then again I realized, He called Lord not for nothing. He knew even the

darkest secret of me or so I thought. I never really believe in God before this but if

you ask me now, well I will faithfully said that I believe it. I just hope He wouldn’t

put me into Hell since hmm you know, my preference, my behavior to my parents,

and Sunny thingy. If He really should put me to hell then at least please not the

deepest and hottest one. I pray inside my heart.

 

“Focus, Taeyeon. We haven’t reached the topic about where I will put you into

after life. We’re still talking about Tiffany here.” He palmed His face and I smiled

shyly.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“First of all, I sent her to your world because of some reasons. What are the

reasons? I cannot tell you but one of those is you.”

 

“Me?”

 

“I’m not finish. Wait until I’m done speaking, will you?”

 

“Sorry again.” I blushed and He chuckled.

 

“That’s alright. You are a very curious girl and I know that.” He spoke. Of course

He knew since He’s indirectly the one who created me. I muttered inside my heart

when I remembered He would know anything and everything I thought of. In a

reflex, I covered my mouth but of course not to avail.

 

“Surely I know so it would be better if you focus and concentrate on me only. You

wanted to know about Tiffany’s secret for the longest, right?” I nodded.

 

“As she had said to you before that I sent her on missions and once she had

completed the missions, I will bring her back here. Supposedly she should have

been back by now but things happened so I postponed her comeback. In mean

time, I didn’t expect you to save Yoochun but you did. Let’s just say it will lighten

your punishment.” He sad in threaten tone but after some seconds He laughed.

 

“Ok that sounds bad.” He laughed again and I didn’t know what to do. Should I

laugh?

 

“Don’t worry, Taeyeon. As you have mentioned that I was born as a savior. I

guarantee the salvation of my people, including you with a condition that you need

to believe in me.” He stated and I could breathe in a relief.

 

“Forgive and you will be forgiven. Seek and you will find. Ask and you will be

given.” He continued and I scratched my not so itchy head in confusion.

 

“You never read bible, did you?” He shook his head in disapproval and I could

only giggle in embarrassment.

 

“What will You do with me after this then?” I suddenly asked Him since I couldn’t

hold my curiosity any longer.

 

“I will return you back to earth so you can continue your life normally.”

 

“What about Tiffany?”

 

“I will return her here; with me; to this place.”

 

“No! You cannot do that!” In rage, I declined His decision, forgetting the fact that

He is the ruler of earth while I’m nothing but a mere human, one of His many

creations.

 

“Why can’t I? I can do anything I want, Kim Taeyeon. Like I’ve said, everything

happens for a reason. Whatever I want or will do has its own reason and only Me

who have the obligation to know why. You must not and never doubt me or my

decision, Taeyeon.” He reasoned out and secretly I knew He is right. Well, He

never wrongs anyway.

 

“It’s not like that.” I sighed.

 

“Explain your reason then.” He allowed me. Wow, He is very generous, isn’t He? I

regret I never brought myself closer to Him while I have the chance. Is it too late

for everything now?

 

“Don’t run away from the topic, Taeyeon. How many times I should tell you that,

huh? And if you ever read it, as long as you admit that I’m your Lord then your

salvation will be guaranteed. Do you understand the meaning of that, don’t you?”

He sighed this time and I laughed a little.

 

“Thank you for assurement. So yeah about the reason. First of all, since You told

me that You can’t reveal the real reason why Tiffany was sent and was about to be

summoned back, I don’t know the reason. I think it’s just between You and her,

right?” I asked for confirmation and halted my speaking.

 

“Yes and if it’s not for her clumsiness, I’m sure you wouldn’t even know she was

sent by Me and about to be summoned back soon.” He inhaled.

 

“Please forgive her for that then. It’s not her mistakes. If I didn’t force her to

accept my love and kind of pushed her, I’m sure she wouldn’t have told me.”

 

“I know. Please do continue.”

 

“But different from me, she has people who love her, family who loves her so

much, a brother who is willing to sacrifice anything for her sake, friends who will

defend her, always be there for her and back her up when she needs it. Not only

that, she is too a very obedient Christian and her preference is normal, totally

straight, unlike me who loves a same gender. I’m nothing but a big sinner while

she is an angel lost on earth.” A tear escaped my eye. I brushed it and continued.

 

“She has everything I don’t and she is everything I’m not.” I ended my speech

shortly. I didn’t know why but I incapable to continue. Perhaps, it would be too

painful to reveal my dark secrets to Him even though He knows about it anyway

whether I say it or not.

 

“Who said that you are a big sinner? The fairest judge within this world is Me so

you don’t have right to call yourself a sinner if don’t judge you that way.” He

shook his head and firmly stated me that.

 

“Just go straight to the point, Taeyeon. What do you want?” I think, no I know He

can read my mind so yeah, nothing to lose and here I go~

 

“I want to trade my soul for her.” I earnestly said to Him.

 

“Why? I know you love her so much. You don’t need to tell Me but I can feel how

pure and sincere your feelings are for her. Yet, it doesn’t mean you can do all you

want with that. It doesn’t mean you can easily sacrifice your own life for her sake.

Besides, I can take your soul as soon as I want to and I can do the same with

Tiffany, moreover when she herself already knows when her time will be finish.”

He elaborated and tapped His chin.

 

“I don’t have any reason to live anymore. My family disowned me, saying that I

was nothing but a disgrace for the family and my parents even could say as far as

they regretted for making me born onto this world. The person whom I used to

trust so much betrayed me. She even used me as a tool to satisfy her sexual needs.

Lastly, the person I love more than my own life is lying unconsciously, being

helpless for she can do anything about her condition. With that, what more reasons

do I have to go on with my life?” I exasperatedly said. Tears are streaming down

my face uncontrollably and I don’t bother to wipe it this time.

 

“But you never know that all of those you mentioned can change don’t you? Why

are you losing hope, Kim Taeyeon? Numerous people suffer more than you. They

don’t even know whether they can still eat tomorrow or not; they don’t even know

whether tomorrow there will be a miracle or not; they couldn’t even change their

clothes because the only clothes they have are the one which attaché on their

bodies. Can you compare yourself to them, Taeyeon? Can you shamelessly call

yourself the person who has the worst luck in the world? Shame on you then!” He

snapped at me and honestly, it startled me.

 

“The only thing they have is hope. The only reason why they keep on hoping is

their belief on Me. Realize it, Taeyeon and rethink again.” His voice softened.

 

“If you have lost your hope then it means you don’t believe in Me.” He sighed in

disappointment and I feel bad because I knew I caused it.

 

“If the only way to make her alive and able to continue her life is by trading my

soul for her then please do it. What’s the use of living if the person you love is no

longer in the same world with you? Why should I continue living if the only person

who understands me the most is in different world? How do I live without her?” I

weakly murmured and I knew He heard it well.

 

“You are a very stubborn girl, do you know that?” He desperately stated.

 

“Sorry?” I hesitantly said.

 

“I always hear my children plea, including you, but whether I want to grant it or

not, it’s up to Me. When the time I will grant it, it’s up to Me too. I will define the

plea and prayer, analyze it, and give decision after that. I will convert their wishes

into their needs and finally filter it before granting one or some or all of it. Your

time is different with my time and what you think best doesn’t mean the best from

me. As for you, I have decided what I would do to you.” I heard Him say it before

I again lost my consciousness and could only see nothing but whiteness. What

happened this time? Will I die for real or will I go back which means losing

Tiffany for real?

----------------------------------

 

Breath

Author(s)Dukoro

Status Completed

Tags drama snsd taeny taeyeon tiffany

Bookmark Save (go offline) Report Content Make Readable a a a a

14 Breath

 

“What am I doing here? Why did you send me here?! I don’t want to come in. I

don’t want them to see me. They will just shove me out and kick me off of this

house just like what they did to me months ago. I’m not wanted here.” I protested

once I recognized that I was standing in front of my parents’ house. That’s correct.

My parents house, not mine because they have written off my name from their

family member list the day they sent me out. Unconsciously, my grip on His white

cloak tightened.

 

“You don’t have to worry about that. They cannot see you as they cannot se Me.

Come. Let’s go inside.” He smiled genuinely like he always did and reached out

His hand to me.

 

“Come on. I’m always here with you and I will always will.” Seeing my hesitation,

he walked closer to approach me with His hand still reaching out for me.

 

“I really am not sure about this.” I murmured yet I still took His hand anyway. He

walked in front of me and you don’t have any idea how startled I was when He had

ability to walk pass the door without having to collide His body with the solid

wood made door.

 

“Don’t be surprised. Like what I’ve told you. They cannot see you. It’s safe,

Taeyeon.” He made His head penetrated out through the door and it scared me. He

giggled afterward and made His way outside again.

 

“Come in. You better hurry before you feel regret for missing the glorious

conversation.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me inside through the same front

door and yes, we made it through, just like the magicians on TV did.

 

We finally went inside and once again I come back into this house. The interior

isn’t precisely the same. I see that they have replaced the old TV with the new one,

with the screen which is wider and flatter. I also see that the sofa has chaged too,

both in color and model. It was brown and now it’s black. I subsconciously smiled

knowing that I could finally back to the place I once called home again, even

though in a different state. Because they couldn’t see me as I could see them.  I

looked around, trying to find any living person within this house.

 

“Moomm~ I miss Taeyeon noona~” I heard a man voice which was similar to my

younger brother. I in reflex turned my head around to find the source of that voice.

Like possessed, my feet walked on its own to ascend the stairs.

 

“I know  Jinwoon-ah. I miss her too.” I heard my mother replied. I finally stepped

on the last step of the stairs. The person I’m with is following me from behind. It

looked like He deliberately let me to recall things with my family. Probably He

wanted me to rethink about my decision again by letting me see the fact regarding

the things I’m weak at; family for an example.

 

“I want to meet her, Mom. It’s been a while and none of us know how she is doing

by now. No matter how Daddy stated that she brought shame to this family, she is

still my older sister, Mom. She is still your daughter, a person who once inside

your womb for 9 months.” I gulped hard and covered my mouth to sustain my sob.

He cared. My brother still cared with me. I missed them too and if only I could, I

would already hug them by now.

 

“I remember that, Jinwoon-ah. Have I ever told you that when she was still inside

my womb, she was so disturbing and hyperactive? She loved to kick so much that

your father always attached his ear or his hand on my stomach and feel her kicking

and playing inside my belly. Your father always sang a lullaby when we’re about

to go sleep to assure that she would leave me in peace and wouldn’t wake me up

caused by her hard kick.” I saw tears started to creep out from my mother’s

glistening eyes. I wanted to wipe it away from her but I couldn’t. I could only see

them chatting inside my old room and sat right beside my mother whereas Jinwoon

sat on the single couch where I used to sit whenever I studied for the exam years

ago.

 

“Now you make me missing her even more.” He pouted and his eyes too were red,

like he prevented himself from pouring out his heart out. Maybe because he is a

man and he feels embarrassed to cry in front of my mother.

 

“Are you okay? Do you still want to continue seeing this?” He asked me while

standing. He slowly rubbed my back to soothe me.

 

“Y-yes.” I saw in between my short breath. I’m crying so bad now, like I never

before. It’s like the tears couldn’t find a way to stop. It’s like a broken dam where

the water will flow heavily and yeah, that’s the state I’m in by now.

 

“How many months have passed since she left this house?” My mother asked with

a crackted voice. Fortunately, Jinwoon is kind enough that he took sheets of tissues

and gave it to her. She said thank you and Jinwoon nodded.

 

“I don’t know for sure but I think it’s almost a year because this house feels so

empty without her, Mom. Do you feel that Dad is different too now? Since the

night Tae noona left.” He sighed and my mother looked away. More tears fell out

of her wrinkled eyes. Since when my mother looked this old? She was so beautiful

with almost no wrinkle can be detected the last time I talked with her which is

months ago. I recalled and my eyes started to hurt from the crying.

 

“Yeah. He rarely talks and he avoids any conversation involving Taeyeon. He

doesn’t smile as often as he used to. It’s like he’s a different person. Even when

we’re in our room, he usually only reads a novel or directly go to sleep.” My

mother used the tissue to brush her tears away in spite of the fact, her face will still

wet again since she cant’s stop crying.

 

“Is it that bad?” He asked and my mother nodded weakly.

 

“Have you ever brought the topic about Taeyeon noona with Dad?” Jinwoon asked

again and this time I tried hard to pay attention attentively because I need to know

about that fact too. Had my father ever missed me? Or vice versa, he disgusts me

so much that even talking about me will make him puke?

 

“Of course.” My mom answered shortly.

 

“What did he say?” Good job, Jinwon. Keep asking further until we get the answer

we’ve been wanting to know so much.

 

“I’ll leave you alone for now. I’ll come again to fetch you up later.” He told me

and I said okay. In a zap, He disappeared from my eyes. I blinked my eyes several

time to ensure that He’s gone for real and yes, He has gone.

 

“He never uttered a thing whenever I mentioned Taeyeon’s name but I could see

from his eyes that he missed her too. It seemed like he actually wanted to forgive

Taeyeon and called her to come back to our house but his pride didn’t let it. The

fact that he is a leader in this house forces him to differ what’s wrong and what’s

right. I know, deep inside his heart, he is longing for Taeyeon’s existence too.” My

mother’s statements shocked me. Is that true? Is that really true? I didn’t mishear

it, did I? My father, the person whom I thought was and still is the person who

hates me the most indirectly said that he missed me?  I really cannot believe it. It’s

just too good to be true.

 

“I noticed it too, Mom. Up until now, there’s no one who’s brave enough to

occupy Taeyeon’s noona seat and Dad always takes a quick glance to Taeyeon’s

unnie vacant seat before he starts eating his breakfast.” Jinwoon added and again I

was so shocked and it made my face drenched in a split second. My tears were

uncontrollable and dampened my already wet face.

 

“Oh so you acknowldeged it too. Yeah, he always does that. It literally defines that

he misses Taeyeon’s unnie presence in this house. He is just too stubborn to admit

it.” My mom shook her head in defeat.

 

“Why haven’t you tried to contact her, Mom? Why didn’t you secretly try to

coomunicate with her? Supposedly, mother’s feeling can ever be erased. If I

missed her this badly, I cannot imagine how much you long for her, Mom.”

Jinwoon commented and I had this urge to hug him tight knowing that I missed

him so much, more than he ever thought. I tried yet I failed because my hands just

passed through his body. I cannot touch him. I cannot feel him. I can see them yet

they cannot see me. It hurts.

 

“I did but she changed her number because everytime I dialed her number, it sent

me directly to the operator or the machine saying that the number I was calling was

not existed. I ever thought to approach her directly to her office but I was afraid.

I’m scared that she would hate me because of what we did to her.” Her words

stabbed me directly in my heart. It pierced me deeply that I choked and unable to

control my breath properly.

 

“I had the same thought too. If only Daddy wasn’t too harsh on her, all of this

wouldn’t happen. If only he didn’t kick her out, maybe I could still freely see her

everyday. If only he could accept unnie’s decision to love a woman instead of a

man, maybe~ Maybe~” Jinwoon couldn’t continue since he’s ended up crying and

incapable to say the next words. Oh God, what have I done to my own family? All

of this caused by me. I can never forgive myself. Never.

 

“Don’t say that, Jinwoon-ah. No matter what, he is still your father and we must

respect his decision.” My mom calmed Jinwoon down yet I don’t think it would

work because the expression I can see is anger, hatred, and hidden wrath.

 

“And Taeyeon is my sister, Mom! She is my role model. She is a perfect sister for

me! She never once disappointed me. She always defended me since I was still a

kid. She taught me from right to wrong. She gave me money, love, and attention

when my own parents couldn’t!” He raised his tone and honestly, this is the first

time I saw my little brother this angry. He was a very obedient boy who could

never say no to his parents because I always told him to respect our parents no

matter what.

 

“Jinwoon-ah! Calm down!” My mom startled and snapped back. Not long after I

could hear footsteps coming and soon the owner revealed himself. Yes, it’s none

other than the person whom I used to call Daddy. He is my father. No matter how

much he hates me, he cannot change the fact that he will be forever my biologic

father.

 

“What happened here?” My father’s bass voice echoed around the room. He

strictly looked at Jinwoon, knowing that he’s the one who inclined his voice

before. He dropped his luggage on the bed and loosened up his tie.

 

“It’s all because of you, Dad! You caused this! You’re the only reason why our

family is a chaos now. You’re the main cause why mom and I cannot see Taeyeon

noona again roaming around this house! I hate you, Dad!” With that Jinwoon left

and the sound of his footsteps are more than enough to picture how mad he is right

now.

 

“You’re not going anywhere, Jinwoon! Come back here you ungrateful child!!” He

went berserk and followed outside to go after Jinwoon.

 

“No! It’s enough. Please, I beg you. Losing one daughter is enough. I don’t want to

lose another one. Not again.” My mother fell down on her knees and hugged my

father’s knee tightly. She sobbed. She sniffed. She cried all her heart out and the

sight of that aches me. I fell down on my knees too, trying to touch her but

nothingness is all I can feel.

 

My father’s expression softened. He bent his body and helped my mother to get

up.  I am still in squatting position and looked above me. I saw my father hugged

my mother tightly with his hand caressing her back. This is enough. I couldn’t see

it any longer. It shattered me too much and it’s unbearable for my weak heart to

withstand. Lord, where are you? Bring me back, please.

 

“No, Taeyeon. It’s not over. Just stay there for a little longer and you’ll know what

I mean.” I heard His voice enchoed. I sighed and I went to my bed to sit on it,

continue watching the shattering scene in front of me.

 

“Shusshhh.. I understand. I won’t be mad at him. Don’t worry. Calm down, honey.

Calm down. Stop crying. I just don’t want Jinwoon to be a rebel son. He needs to

respect his parents. He should know where he stands. He’s our son while we are

his parents so he must respect us sincerely.” My father continued rubbing my

mother’s back.

 

“I.. I missed Taeyeon. I want to see her.” My mother sobbed on my father’s chest. I

scooted closer to them, feeling curious to what my father would answer my

mother’s statement.

 

“I know.” He replied shortly. I guess my father still hates me after all. He cannot

and won’t open his heart to forgive me. Is my preference really that capable to

make hatred grow in his heart?

 

“Do you remember the time when she’s still a kid? She loved to play with gun and

cars instead of fluffy dolls. She always protected her friends from bullies. She

joined fighting club so just she could defend her friends, especially girls from the

naughty boys. Her heart is pure. She never commited crime and has a weak spot to

poor people like beggars.” Suddenly my mom blurted out. She let go of my father

and went to my bed. She grazed her palm on the bedsheet sadly.

 

“You know what. I never changed the bedsheet ever since Taeyeon left. Why? It’s

because at least, I could still go here and imagine that she’s still sleeping

peacefully right there on the bed. I could even still smell her scent on the pillow

sheet even after months she hadn’t slept here. I missed her so much. I missed her

that I counted days, weeks, and months, waiting for the right moment to meet her

again. I want to hug her and hear her call me mom. I missed her I can die.” My

mom took a pillow, the one that I used when I was still living here and embraced it.

 

“Hey.. I-“ My father walked to my mother.

 

“I tried so hard to look strong in front of our two sons because I want them to still

obey your rude command not to contact Taeyeon. I became a different person,

pretending to be indifferent about Taeyeon’s inexistence because I want them to

forget about Taeyeon when I myself can’t. It’s understandable Jinwoon acted that

way you know. Taeyeon is indirectly his idol and you have separated him from

her. What do you expect him to do, huh? It’s good enough that he burst out now,

not any earlier.” My mother complained.

 

“What?! But it’s-“

 

“It’s Taeyeon’s fault for liking women? It’s Taeyeon’s fault to bring disgrace to

this family? You always blame her! But have you ever taken a look at yourself? Do

you think you are holy enough to judge her? God is the only One who has right to

judge after His people, not me, not even you!” It’s my mother’s turn to burst and it

frightened me for my mother is one of the best people I’ve ever known.

 

“9 months long I bear her in my womb! After nine months, I could finally see the

most beautiful woman born from my womb. She is the result of our love. She is the

definition of love itself created by you and I. She even had Daddy as her first

word! Not Mommy!” She continued. My father stayed still, right standing in front

of my mother. He pursed his lips tightly.

 

“She always took a nap in the afternoon so she could greet you in the door when

you’re home. She’s only 5 years old that time yet she’s already able to show her

love for you! Unlike you who have heart to ditch your own daughter just to save

your pride! Look where your pride has brought our family now! All of us are

drifting apart~” My mother sobbed again. Her shoulders shuddered and her lips are

trembling.

 

“Our sons are introvert now. They rarely stay at home. I often caught Jiwoong

entered Taeyeon’s bedroom and stayed for a moment and when he went out, his

eyes were already red. Jinwoon always spent his time to log in to Facebook just to

see Taeyeon’s profile. I caught him doing so several times. He couldn’t even freely

see his own sister’s photos in this house now because you have taken off every

picture that has Taeyeon in it.” My mother said exasperatedly.

 

“I-I didn’t know. I-“

 

“You never know because you don’t care. They respect you so much that they did

all that secretly. They obeyed your command in front of you yet behind your back,

they still Taeyeon’s brothers who missed their sister so much and you can’t do

anything about that.” My mother ended her explanation and I felt difficulty in

breathing normally. I think I have cried too long.

 

“You better fix this situation if you don’t want to lose another family member and

you know I mean it.” My mother said the last words. She got up and walked away.

She stood on the doorway and took a quick glimpse at my father before going out

off the room.

 

“What should I do now? Should I give up this pretense and admit that actually I

miss you so much just like Jinwoon, Jiwoong, and your mother do?” My father

weakly plopped his body on the bed. He took out his wallet from his pocket and

opened it just to reveal my photos revealed clearly from his wallet.

 

“I always see you in this picture whenever I miss you because I don’t want to

admit that fact to others. But seeing the condition now, I don’t think I should

defend my pride and let my family ruined more than it already has. I will seek out

for you starting tomorrow and bring you back home. I hope you aren’t that angry

with this old man.” He chuckled bitterly and it’s so painful to see him being this

way. I never thought he actually still cares about me.

 

“Well, you have full right to be mad at me but just not too long, okay?” He talked

to my picture and caressed my face on it. It’s so desperating. I even didn’t know

how to react.

 

“I love you, Taeyeon-ah. I know you are a strong woman.  You are my daughter

after all. Daddy will pick you up soon.” My dad said it and flipped his wallet close.

He put it back inside his pocket. He then went out and I intended to follow him

when I felt a strong force which pushed me backward and that’s the last thing I

remembered.

-----------------------------------

 

“Taeyeon-ah. Don’t worry. I will always be here and patiently waiting for you to

wake up so we can chat again like usual, okay? I promise I won’t protest even a bit

even when my butt will flatten and my back will sore caused by sitting too much

but in return, you have to promise that you will recover soon and be cheerful little

Taeyeon like I’ve always known. Promise? Good!” I’m now inside my ward and

it’s Jessica who talked to the sleeping me.

 

“Taeyeon-ah~ What should we do now? I’m bored and I’m sure you are more

bored than me since you practically cannot do anything. That’s why you need to

wake up like really really soon! I will pay the tickets to the movie, including the

popcorn and colas later when you’re strong enough to walk. Just.. just don’t give

up your life, Tae.” I sighed seeing Jessica bit her trembling lips hard to prevent the

tears from coming out.

 

“You need to struggle. I have faith that your critical condition will eventually

change into a stable one. Do you remember that you once said you are the owner of

black belt? It means you are strong, right? Now it’s time for you tor prove how

strong you are to me. You need to survive, Tae. We still have our unfinished story~

and I haven’t given my best to prove you that I’m worthy to have your love.”

Jessica grabbed her handkerchief from inside her purse to wipe out the tears that

keep coming out.

 

“Stop crying, Jessi. I’m not worth your tears. Stop believing in me because I

myself unable to belive in myself.” I walked to her and patted her head which of

course ended up patting the air instead.

 

“You know what, Tae? I feel like I just heard your voice telling me to stop crying.

I’m delusional, aren’t I? Maybe it’s because your state worries me so much that I

cannot help but thinking of you all the time. You should have a rest now. I will just

go down to seek for some food. I must stay healthy so I can endlessly waiting for

you. I love you. See you.” Jessica got up from her seat, lowered her body a little

and placed a kiss on my forehead. Again I felt a strong force pushed me and I

fainted.

-------------------------------------

 

“Welcome back.” A voice greeted me and from the surrounding alone I know that

I’ve back to His place. The view is similar, still surrounded by clouds and all.

 

“So, did you enjoy the trip?” He asked again once He realized that I kind of

ignored His question. I still feel dizzy thank’s to the sudden forces which forced

me and pushed me carelessly. I also feel astounded and confused.

 

“I guess that means yes. So, what do you feel now that you’ve seen and known

things you didn’t know before? It feels different, no?” He clasped my shoulder and

smiled genuinely like He always did times before.

 

“I-I don’t know what to feel or what to say. It’s just too sudden. Too shocking and

beyond my wildest imagination. I- I never thought they still care, especially my

father. I thought he hated me, despised me so much that he has heart to kick me out

off the house.” I honestly saied and He chuckled.

 

“I know right. I just want to show you that not everything that you think or thought

is true. You can never judge anyone because the wisest judge is Me, not

humanbeing. I’m sure you have known it by now.” He stated and I nodded.

 

“Let me clarify some things. Your father never hates you. He disappointed yes, he

was mad yes, but not hate. He could never hate you. He ever tried but never

succeeded. He missed you just like any other your family members but different

from others, his pride is just too high that he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, even to

your mother.” He explained and I sat on fluffy surface of cloudy rug followed by

Him.

 

“As for your mother and brothers, they missed you badly yet they didn’t want to

fight your father. Your mother secretly longed for you very much. She often cried

when no one was around the house because she couldn’t bear the feeling of

missing you. Your brothers never protested before because they remembered how

you taught them to never disobey their parents no matter what.” He exclaimed and

again tears already surged up, asking to be forced out in no time.

 

“They love you, Taeyeon-ah. You are not and will never be loveless. I love you,

your family loves you, Jessica loves you. You’re just too blinded by your own

assumption that you never realized how much they love you.” He took my hand,

made me turned out my head toward his direction. I saw trail of tears dampened

His cheeks. Did he just cry? But why?

 

“This isn’t your time to be here. When it comes, it will come and nothing can ever

prevent it. The story of life and death of a person has been written and it’s called

destiny. How well you can manage it and stay walking on the right path depends

on you. I must say that I am so disappointed knowing that you prefer woman to

man but aside from that, you are a good child.” He sighed and took a deep breath. I

feel so guilty watching my own Lord crying for me.

 

“All your life, you always prioritize people’s interese; especially to those you love

without any complain. You always pray for people around you and sometimes you

even forget to pray for yourself. You are very sincere in every thing you do. You

give without taking granted and I amazed by your character. The only flaw you

made maybe when you decided to love the same gender.” He wiped away His tears

and halted.

 

“It doesn’t mean that you are not a sinner. The only living holy and pure creature

without any sin is Me but I must say that I feel proud of you, child. Don’t you

think it will be inutil if you still choose to end your life rather than continue it and

mend your flaw? You still have a second chance to repent your sin and become

normal.” He offered again with pleading eyes, indirectly conveying that I better

stay alive than choosing to be dead instead.

 

“If I choose to stay alive and repent my sin, will you send me to heaven?” I asked

and He nodded firmly.

 

“If I choose to be dead because I want to save people’s life that deserves a life

more than I, will you still send me to heaven?” I asked again and He paused for a

moment, frowned, and finally nodded His head again.

 

“I have stated that I would save people who believe in me. My children salvation

lays in Me because I am the only One who can save them and I know that You

believe in Me so whatever your decision is, I will still save you.” He reasoned out

and I smiled in relief.

 

“But the decision still lies on Your hand though. Either I choose to trade my sould

for her or to stay alive, the final decision will be determined by You, right?” I

asked.

 

“Yes, but knowing how much you love Tiffany and how you always behave and

have been a very well mannered child, I give you freedom to choose. What will

you choose, my child?” He tilted His head and I saw how His face is shining and

full of charisma. I should consider myself lucky that I ever had a chance to meet

my Lord. I’m sure Tiffany had met Him before me though.

 

“I choose…..”

----------------------------------

 

“NOOOO!!!” Tiffany woke up and sat up immediately. Sweats covered her face

and her hospital gown was already wet thanks’ to her uncontrollable sweats.

 

“Fany-ah! You finally woke up! Thank God! Wait here! I will call for a doctor.”

Heechul said in glee and hugged his younger sister before running a little to call

the doctor and announced this good news to him. In no time Heechul came back

with the doctor following him.

 

“Hi there, Tiffany! How are you feeling? Can you please lie down for a moment so

I can check you up? It won’t be long.” The doctor said and with blank stare Tiffany

obediently followed the doctor’s request. She lied on her back while keep staring at

the ceiling.

 

“How is she, doc?” Heechul unheeded Tiffany’s odd behavior and asked the

doctor. He noted in mind to ask what’s going on with his little sister later.

 

“Her blood pressure is normal and her lunge and all are functioning normally.

She’s unbelievably healthy! I don’t know how though but if there’s no problem

follow, she can be released by tomorrow morning.” The doctor informed and

Heechul smiled delightfully. He was glad that Tiffany has awake and more than

that, she’s totally healthy or that’s what he could conclude from the doctor’s

statement.

 

“That’s great, Doc! Thank you!” Heechul shook the doctor’s hand and hugged him

for a little to express his happiness.

 

“You are very welcome. I will send the nurse to check on her in every 4 hours to

assure that she’s really okay. I’ll get going then. Have a good day.” The doctor

then excused himself watched by Heechul. Tiffany was still lost and stared at

nothingness.

 

“Hey, what happened to you? Shouldn’t you be happy that you can finally awake

and being healthy again?” Heechul tapped Tiffany’s shoulder and dragged a chair

so he could sit beside her.

 

“…………..” Tiffany ignored Heechul’s remark and the older brother pouted.

 

“Ah yes! I need to contact Taeyeon and share the good news! I’m sure she will be

happy and come running when she knows you’re awake!” Heechul snapped her

fingers and intended to rummage his bag and take his phone when a hand stopped

him.

 

“It’s useless.” Tiffany finally said another word after she woke up.

 

“What do you mean? She cares about you, Fany-ah. She won’t-“

 

“It’s useless because she’s no longer here.” Tiffany continued.

 

“Of course she isn’t here. She said she is the representative from her company to

do presentation in tendering process. Perhaps, she’s too busy or she’s too tired that

she hasn’t had time to visit you. No worries, I’m sure she will be here once I said

you’re awake.” Heechul chuckled and patted Tiffany’s head, totally unaware about

the real meaning behind Tiffany’s words.

 

“She’s no longer here, Oppa. She’s not in this world anymore. She’s dead.”

Tiffany finally blurted it out and started sobbing. Heechul stopped all his

movement and stared at Tiffany with full of shock.

 

“W-what do you mean? It’s not funny, Tiffany. She’s just fine the last time she left

here.” Heechul smiled hesitantly, couldn’t believe in Tiffany’s words at all.

 

“I’m not joking, Oppa!” Tiffany said exasperatedly.

 

“Then how could you make a conclusion that she’s dead, huh? How, Fany-ah?”

Heechul was as exasperate and desperate as Tiffany by now. He still remembered

how Taeyeon said that she would be back as soon as her business had done but

then again, could it be that what Tiffany was saying is true?

 

“She’s dead because she traded her sould for me, Oppa! She’s dead in my place! I-

i… I haven’t even had chance to let her know my real feelings for her. Oppa~ what

do I do?” Tiffany tugged on Heechul’s shirt and in reflex; Heechul got up and

hugged Tiffany tightly.

 

“Shuusshh~ We never knew whether what you’re saying is true or not, right?

Don’t lose hope just yet. I’ll find out where she is soon. Stop crying. I’m always

here for you.” Heechul decided to just believe in Tiffany for now even deep inside

he’s still unsure regarding Taeyeon’s where about. He rubbed Tiffany’s back and

let her crying her heart out.

 

“Taeyeon is dead, Oppa. She’s dead when she hasn’t known how much I love her.

I love her, Oppa~ I love her so much but now I have lost my chance to confess my

feelings for her. She can never know. She wouldn’t know because it’s too late.”

Tiffany clutched on Heechul’s shirt and gripped it tightly. Her tears had

successfully made a pool on Heechul’s shirt.

 

“I know you love her, Tiffany. I have known it the moment I saw how you stare at

her with full of love and affection. I’m relieved when I know that she’s a very

bright and good girl. In spite of the fact that she has the same gender with you, I

feel happy because I know she’s the right person for you. I know she can take care

of you well, even better than me.” Heechul sad his opinion.

 

“But it’s useless now, Oppa. I’ve lost my chance. I’ve lost her for good.” Tiffany

continued crying and this time Heechul cried along too. Both of them cried in each

other arms without knowing that the person they’re talking about is standing and

watching them with tears on her face.

-------------------------------------

 

 “Are you sure you won’t change your decision?” The same man with white cloak

stood beside her and asked her.

 

“No. I’ve made up my mind.” Taeyeon said with full of confidence.

 

“I’ve vanished Tiffany’s ability by the way so the last thing she knew was the fact

that you have taken her place and died in her place. Aside from that, she couldn’t

even see you even if eyou’re standing right here beside Me now.” He informed and

Taeyeon nodded.

 

“Thank you.” Taeyeon shortly replied, still feeling amused and sad seeing her best

ffriend screaming and asking for help like crazy.

 

“NO!! DOC, YOU MUST SAVE HER! PLEASE I BEG YOU!” Jessica didn’t

even care for her pride anymore and begged on her knees. Her arms wrapped

around the doctor who had given up in trying to save the petite woman’s life lying

lifelessly on the hospital bed.

 

“I’m so sorry but there’s nothing we can do. I’ve done my best as a doctor but life

and death are in God’s hand and there’s nothing even a doctor can do to change it.

I’m sorry for your loss.” He bent his body and helped Jessica to get up and stand

on her feet.s

 

“No.. No.. She can still be saved. Please, Doc. Just one more time? I..I don’t know

how to live my life without her.” Jessica weakly let the doctor make her stand up.

She didn’t bother to brush her tears away. The thought of losing Taeyeon is

unbearable and the tears keep coming out when she thinks about that.

 

“I’m so sorry but we’ve been trying for the past hour and there’s no sign of living

coming from her. Even if she still can be saved, but if she doesn’t have the will to

live then it’s useless. We won’t be able to bring her back.” The doctor explained

softly and Jessica could only sob and continue crying.

 

Just when she thought life couldn’t be better after she realized that she fell in love

with the right person. Just when she thought she could try to retrieve Taeyeon’s

heart and mend her broken heart. Just when she thought there’s a chance even only

a little that Taeyeon still had heart for her, even if it’s less than 10% and she’s

willing to take the risk so that she could own Taeyeon as Taeyeon own her

literally. But all of her plan, imagination, and ambition crashed in an instant when

she saw the endless straight line on the heart detector machine.

 

“N-no.. It cannot be true. She’s just fine before. Her heart rate was stable. I knew

it! I’ve been waiting beside her for God sake! And now you just told me that she

has dead? That she cannot be helped anymore and that there is no hope for her and

I have to let her go just like that?!” Jessica snapped at the doctor and with a loud

sigh, the doctor signaled to his assistants to help him. The nurses along with other

staffs came and brought Jessica outside.

 

“No!! You must save her, Doc. Please~ Please I beg you~ I cannot lose her again.

No.. Moreover this time is eternal. She’s the reason why I still believe in God and

miracle.” Jessica gave up and fell down on her knees as soon as she was outside

the ward.

 

“I’m really sorry, Mam and my deep condolence for you. I hope you can be strong

to face this. Now if you excuse me.” The doctor looked down and bowed before

going to the opposite direction, away from Jessica.

 

“How could you do this to me, Taeyeon-ah? How could you leave me for real?

Where should I give my love if not to you then? You’re the only one who owns my

heart. I love you, Taeyeon-ah. I love you so much.” Jessica muttered lowly for no

one to hear. Tears were continuously falling down from her already swollen eyes.

 

“I’m so sorry, Jessi but it’s for the best. Be strong for me and keep on living,

okay?” Taeyeon squatted and whispered inside Jessica’s ear but of course the

blonde couldn’t hear it.

 

“I’m asking you for the last time, Taeyeon. Are you sure you don’t want to have

your life back?” He asked again while still standing not far from where Taeyeon

and Jessica were.

 

“Nope. I’ve made up my mind. Let’s go. I need to prepare myself for the funeral.”

Taeyeon sighed and smiled sadly before walking back to Him.

---------------------------------------

 

“No! This is your entire fault! If you weren’t so stubborn and didnt choose your

pride over your own daughter, this wouldn’t be happen!! My Taeyeon would still

be here!!” Taeyeon’s mother scowled her husband with tears trailing on her

cheeks.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Taeyeon’s father couldn’t say anything and stood still.

 

“I hate you, Dad! I swear to God that I won’t ever forget about this! I will never

forget that my own father is the main cause of my sister’s death!” Jinwoon bravely

screamed at his father’s face.

 

“Stop it, Jinwoon-ah.” Jiwoong came in between and separated Jinwoon from Mr.

Kim.

 

“He is right. Your mother is right. It’s all because of me.” Mr. Kim hung her head

low and murmured. Tears dropped and fell on the floor, making a sprkinle.

 

“Enough. No matter how much you feel sorry, Taeyeon would never come back

and you Jinwoon-ah. No matter how much you hate Dad, it can’t change the fact

that Taeyeon has gone for good.” Jinwoon stated and tried to be strong yet failed

miserably when distinct tears came out from his eyes.

 

“Taeyeon-ah. It’s me, your mother. You look so beautiful in that gown by the way.

Your face is pale yet it cannot hide the beauty of your face. Your heart is beautiful

too. It’s so pure and innocent. You’ve been nothing but a good daughter for me,

Tae. You never said no to each and every command I made. You never protested

about anything even though I often had little time for you. You’re so young, child~

Why do you have to end up like this?” Her mother approached the coffin where

Taeyeon’s lifeless body lied at. She squatted and caressed Taeyeon’s cold and pale

face.

 

“Wake up, my daughter. Tell me that this is not happening; that this isn’t real; that

you are still living and just sleeping peacefully by now.” Taeyeon’s mother cried

harder. She got up a little and bent her body to place a kiss on Taeyeon’s forehead.

 

“I love you so much, Tae. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to show it and I’m so sorry for

being a bad mother for you. I didn’t even have chance to correct myself and show

it my love to you better because you have left for eternity. Please forgive me,

Taeyeon-ah~” She sobbed and drop of tears wetted Taeyeon’s dead body.

 

“I love you too, Mom. I love you as much and I know that you love me too. You’re

nothing but the best mother for me. It should have been me who asked for

forgiveness from you. I’m so sorry for being a disgrace to our family. Please stay

healthy, Mom. Take care of yourself.” Taeyeon stood beside her mother and cried.

She wanted to hug her mother so much but she knew she was unable to.

 

“I’ll see you in heaven, arraseo?” Her mother kissed Taeyeon for the last time and

walked away. She left with Jinwoon who already said his farewell words before

her. The time for funeral would be 2 hours from now.

 

“Taeyeon-ah. I know I’m the only one to blame because what I’ve done to you is

unforgivable. I don’t even deserved to be called a father. I’m the worst father you

can find out there.” Taeyeon’s father paused and bit his lips hard.

 

“If I can amend my words then I would have done that. You’re not a disgrace for

our family, Taeyeon-ah. It’s just me and my foolish pride that made me say those

hurtful words. I know saying sorry won’t make you comeback but if your soul was

still here then please hear me out.” Taeyeon’s father finally let go and tears starting

to stream out from his eyes.

 

“I regret it, Tae. If I could only turn back time, then I promise I would accept you

just the way you are. I would give you my bless to any woman you choose to be

your partner for life. I-I…” Taeyeon’s father voice cracked due to crying too much.

 

“I would be a much better father for you, Tae. I wouldn’t do the rude things I did

to you before. But now it’s too late, isn’t it? I learned my lesson when you’re no

longer there. I realize my mistake when I can’t ever fix it because you’ve gone

forever. One thing I’m sure of; I’m sure you are in heaven now. You’re in a better

place, much better than when you were with me.” Taeyeon’s father smiled bitterly.

 

“I don’t think we can meet in afterlife though because likely, I will be sent to hell

for wasting such a good daughter like you so I’ll just say what I want to say now.”

Taeyeon’s father reached out his hand and touched Taeyeon’s cheek.

 

“I love you, Taeyeon-ah. Your mother is right, you are nothing but a perfect

daughter and bless for our family. Forgive this old man for treating you so badly.

Please take care of your mother and brothers from up there and visit us once in a

while, okay? I’ll get going now. I just hope one day your mother and brothers can

forgive me.” He finally ended his speech and bent down to kiss Taeyeon’s

forehead. He deliberately let his lips stay longer on Taeyeon’s forehead, knowing

this would be the last time he could do that.

 

“I love you too, Dad and I have forgiven you long time ago. I’m sure mom,

Jinwoon, and Jiwoond will forgive you. Time will heal everything anyway. Please

take care of them well and if one day you find Jinwoon or Jiwoong experienced the

same thing, I hope you will not kick him out like what you’re done to me. I’m

happy that you have learnt your lesson even if it cost me my own life to make you

realize that.” Taeyeon walked beside his father to the front door and talked as if he

could hear her.

 

The funeral process started not long after that. The sky was bright and the

temperature was just right, not too hot and not too cold either. It’s like the weather

gave bless for the funeral process to be carried out smoothly. Many people came

since Taeyeon was known as a very good person. There were Yoochun, Junsu, and

their son, Yunho, Sunny and her fiancé, Taeyeon’s families, and Taeyeon’s work’s

colleagues. All of them gathered using black suit to convey their deep condolences.

All of them felt sad and losing Taeyeon as a friend, sister, daughter, employee, and

employer was a great blow for them. However, Jessica didn’t come because she

couldn’t bear to watch the funeral process of her beloved person.

 

As time went by, people dissipated and one by one left the cemetery. There were

only few people left who were no one but Taeyeon’s father, mother, and brothers.

They took some time to squat, caress Taeyeon’s name on her tombstone while

saying sorry over and over again. Taeyeon’s soul was loyally standing there,

watching her family murmuring regretful words with sad eyes. She has been crying

no stop since she was mentioned dead the day before and she didn’t have any idea

how she could do that.

 

Finally they went back and when Taeyeon was about to go back to where she

belong now, a woman with red hair came out from behind the tree and walked to

her grave. Yes, it was Tiffany and Taeyeon was shocked to see her. She thought

Tiffany wouldn’t come but she was wrong. Tiffany was alone with a black

sleeveless dress bringing her black purse on her wrist. She walked so slowly and

squatted beside Taeyeon’s tombstone.

 

“You are so stupid you know that?!” Tiffany just started to talk yet her voice

already cranky and cracked a little.

 

“Have you ever thought before deciding on something?!” Tiffany raised her voice.

She was alone on the graveyard and the sky was getting darker yet she could care

less about that. Taeyeon squatted right beside Tiffany to hear her attentively.

 

“Why did you do this!? Do you think I will feel grateful if you are dead in my

place? Do you think I will be happy that you have sacrificed your own life just for

me? Do you think I can live my life normally knowing that the one I love is dead

already?!” Tiffany exasperatedly blurted out. She weakly hit Taeyeon’s name on

the tombstone with tears unstoppably coming out off her eyes.

 

“Yes that’s right you, Pabo-yah!! I love you! I love you so damn much! Do you

know how hard it was for me to hide my love for you and pretend that I don’t have

any feelings for you because I know that my time was short at that time? Do you

know how my lips kept on trembling everytime I lied that I didn’t have any

feelings for you? Do you know how much I wanted you to just kiss me at times but

you never did it because you were too polite and nice to do that?!” Tiffany harshly

wiped the tears with the back of her hand.

 

“You don’t, do you?! That’s because you are stupid!!! Now how can I kiss you

when your body is buried beneath the earth? How can I confess my love to you

when you’re not even here anymore. How- how can-“ Tiffany choked by her own

tears. She rubbed her chest and inhaled deeply.

 

“I don’t even know whether I have to say thank you or hate you instead because

you’ve left me for good yet you’ve given me your time so I can live longer. Why

did you do this, Taeyeon-ah? What you were thinking when you told Him to end

your life for me? And why did you even let this happen, God? I was the one who

supposed to be dead, not her, not Taeyeon.” Tiffany sobbed harder and Taeyeon

cried along with her.

 

“For whatever reason you may have, I just want to let you know that I rather be

dead with you so I won’t have to live this life without love. The one I love is you.

It’s always been you. But now that you are dead, I choose to never fall in love

again and just wait until my time has end so we can meet in heaven.” Tiffany

forced a smile.

 

“I promise you will be the first and last one for me. I will love you forever in spite

of your inexistence within this mortal world. I will wait until He takes me away

from here and when that time comes, I swer we will be inseparable.” Tiffany

caressed Taeyeon’s name lovingly.

 

“God, I have done my duty here so You don’t have any reason to make me stay

here longer. Please end my suffer and take me away from here so I can meet my

love. And I beg you to meet me with her in the afterlife world.” Tiffany slowly got

up and stood on her feet.

 

“I know you’re still here, Taeyeon-ah. I’m so sorry I didn’t say those three words

you’ve longed to hear before. I hope you can hear me out now.” Tiffany took a

deep breath.

 

“KIM TAEYEON I LOVE YOU!!!” Tiffany screamed loudly and her voice

echoed.

 

“I love you so please wait for me, my love. I’ll come to you.” Tiffany said

breathlessly. She gasped when she felt an unknown force just passed through her

body. She then smiled realizing that it was Taeyeon who wanted to tell her that

she’s there and able to hear her confession.

 

“I’ll leave for now but I’ll stay with you forever. Just wait for me for a couple of

years more.” Tiffany said her words and left with tears still flowing down her

cheeks.

 

“I love you too, Fany and thank you so much for saying those three words to me. I

never reget my decision and yes, I will wait for you in heaven. I will always stand

by you and watch after you from above.” Taeyeon replied and the distance

between Tiffany and Taeyeon grew. Tiffany walked away with Taeyeon watched

Tiffany’s figure slowly disappear before her eyes. Taeyeon’s soul then started to

dissipate and finally gone, going back to her Lord. She promised to wait for

Tiffany and waiting is all she will do.

------------------------------------------------------