Volume 1: Issue 2November 1998

Door From Hel lThe

OUR STAFF

PUBLISHER..................................ED BURTON

PRESIDENT...................................ED BURTON

VICE PRESIDENT..........................ED BURTON

PHOTOGRAPHY.............................ED BURTON

REPORTER....................................ED BURTON

WRITER........................................ED BURTON

GRAPHICS....................................ED BURTON

SECURITY.....................................ED BURTON

ANIMAL TRAINER........................ED BURTON

SPECIAL EFFECTS.........................ED BURTON

PROMOTIONS...............................ED BURTON

KING............................................ED BURTON

KEY GRIP.....................................ED BURTON

ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..........ED BURTON

SCOUT..........................................ED BURTON

MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED...........ED BURTON

CAPTAIN OF THE USS

ENTERPRISE...........................JAMES T. KIRK

LEADER OF THE

AUTOBOTS............................OPTIMUS PRIME

all photos are copywrited either by meor someone else. 1998 by me, ealier byothers.

TABLE OFCONTENTS

2...........................................TABLE OF CONTENTS

3.....................................”I’m Just Talkin’ ‘bout SHAFT”

4..........................ARTICLE FROM “THE ONION” (an online news publication)

5..........................................................................AD PAGE

6.............FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS.

7/8............................................................DEATH.

9..............................................................CUT AND PASTE

10..........................................................GOOD COMPANY

11....................LETTERS FROM OUR READERS.

12.................................................................GANG TALK

13......................................IMPORTANT MESSAGE

14..............................................LAST PAGE PHOTO.

DARMSTADT, GERMANY--Residents of this quiet Rhineland cityawoke Monday to discover thatHeinrich Himmler MemorialCemetery, the final resting place ofover 200 Nazi SS Officers who gavetheir lives for Germany in World WarII, had been desecrated during thenight with pro-Semitic graffiti. "This is horrible, simply horrible,"said a tearful Grete Brautig, whofound the headstone of herg r a n d f a t h e r , Wa f f e n - S SOberlieutenant Otto Brautig, defacedwith a spray-painted Star of David."Why would anyone want to do suchan awful, hateful thing to mygrosspapa, a man who lovedand fought for his country?" According to Darmstadt police,sometime between the hours of 1 and6 a.m., unknown persons vandalizedthe grave markers of dozens ofprominent SS men with pro-Semiticgraffiti, including Jewish stars andslogans like "Chosen People" and"Next Year In Jerusalem." It is believed to be the worst pro-Semitic crime in Darmstadt history. "You must understand, the Star ofDavid is an incredibly painful symbolfor my people," said former HitlerYouth member Conrad Steuben, 67,whose father, SS-UnterscharführerErich Steuben, was buried with fullmilitary honors at Darmstadt in 1945."It stands for the destruction of usand everything we believe in. Seeingit scrawled across those gravestonesreopens many deep wounds." "I thought we had put pro-Semitismbehind us here in Darmstadt,"

Steuben said. "But I suppose oldprejudices die hard." Darmstadt police, working closelywith the Nazi Anti-DefamationLeague, are committed to bringingthe perpetrators to justice. "This sort of hate crime must notbe tolerated," police chief KlausMeine said. "We will do everythingin our power to find the Jewsresponsible for this." The vandalism is not the firstincident of pro-Semitism to occur inDarmstadt. In 1991, a group ofZionists marched through the streetsof the city, waving Israeli flags andchanting in Hebrew. City leaders fileda court injunction in an effort to blockthe march, but the Zionists,defended by the German CivilLiberties Union, won. "I will never forgive the GCLUfor defending the Zionists," Steubensaid. "I am all for free speech, butthat crossed the line." Support for the people ofDarmstadt has poured in from acrossGermany in the form of letters,donations and personal visits frompolitical figures. "Once more, Germans havebecome the victims of hatred,prejudice and intolerance," saidformer Austrian president KurtWaldheim in a speech given in theDarmstadt town plaza. "This incidentserves as a reminder that we mustremain vigilant about preserving thememory of the four million Germanswho died during World War II, sothat similar tragedies can beprevented in the future. Never again."

Nazi SS Cemetery Desectrated byPro-Semitic Gaffiti

Courtesy of THE ONION - www.theonion.com

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FROM THEEAT’N’PARK JOURNALS

Ah-HA! Attention synapses,the brain has left thebuilding. Or rather the skull.I’m drawing a blank. Here’swhat a drawing of a blanklooks like. (Framed of course,with an inch border on thesides, and top, and an inchand a half on the bottom.)

Oi, I’m getting wired. Coffee,coffee, coffee. Silly girls infront of me. They discussnonsense about college andliving with someone’s dad.Hmm... One silly girl burnedher mouth. Aww.. Denny’swaitress enters. Traitor. Ofcourse, one can’t blame the

poor employees who aretrapped there for hours ,simply for wanting to escapetheir dreary job. Denny’s hasno doubt already stole hersanity and soul. Denny’s cand o t h a t , y o u k n o w .AHHHH...Jittery! COFFEE!! IfI only had a huge hamsterwheel. I believe I will donatea human sized hamster wheelto Eat’n’Park. I’ll have a littlegold plate put on it, with myname engraved right on it.It will be called the MatLuschek “I drank too muchcoffee” Human HamsterWheel. At least I’ll be inshape, if I use it every day.AHH!! cannot sit still...musthave motion! Spontaneouscombustion CAN happen.One day I’m afraid I’ll be thesad proof of that. One toomany strong coffees . . .and......BAM!

Illustration by HajimeSorayama. Check outhis work, good stuff.

CUT AND PASTE!

THE KING OF MEDINA

BEN LACKEY

LETTERS FROM

OUR READERS!Wow. Someone actually responded! Here’swhat we got from Dr. Goat of Strongsville,OH....

8/29/98Dear THE DOOR FROM HELL Staff, Thanks for sending me the first issue of THE DOOR FROMHELL. One word: Bravo! It’s obvious that the editors of thisliterary magazine truly understand and have a grasp on theliterary world. I shared copies with all of my friends and he didn’thate it. I look forward to the next issue and I only have a fewsuggestions: Mention my name more; more pictures of me; lessclothing on Erin Grey and Carrie Fisher; less clothing on mypictures; a new cover which includes nude photos of me withCarrie Fisher, Erin Grey and the shorter of the two chipmunkson that Chip and Dale cartoon; pop-up pages of a giraffe beinglynched by the KKK and Harry Truman; more contests that riskthe lives of elderly women with hearing aides; complimentaryspam-free crotchless panties (non-edible); a How-To-Speak-In-Tongues-Even-Though-No-One-Can-Spell-Lackadaisical-Correctly section; address the issue of circumcision vs. walnutheavers; and please don’t forget a political commentary on green-bean arm severing machines. I’ll include the rest of my ideasnext issue. Thanks a bunch.

Dr. Goat.

Thanks Dr.Goat, you’ll receive a free stampwith your next issue. Look for it in the upperright hand corner of the back of the book.

Because of certain events, theAcademy of Remote Viewing hasdecided to reveal openly to thegene ra l pub l i c s ens i t i veinformation about intelligence-gathering Mental Remote ViewingTechniques thatup-to-now had remained jealouslyguarded by some governments(updated with new criticalmaterial: March1998). It is reproduced on thisWeb site.  It is the hope of the Academythat this leap in the understandingof mind operations will help usherin anew man in the third millenniumwhose mental powers should openthe door to a better and morecongenialworld. The Superpowers of the Mindare here, for each mind to use andbenefit from. To our knowledge,such revelations have not yet beenofficially disclosed anywhere else.------------------------------------ Flash (April 98) - The Academyof Remote Viewing would like topost the following message as apublic service: Within the next couple ofmonths, a window will open onthe near-term event horizon thatshows a high probability for ourworld 's f inancial markets(especially the worldwide stockbourses) to experience quite

v io l en t and un fo rg iv ingcorrections. Remote Viewing work done atA.R.V. (Academy of RemoteViewing) seems to indicate thatthe late summer months of 1998are highly probable flash pointsfor such occurrences. We feel aduty to warn individuals, so thatthey hopefully can prepare for this. We, at the Academy of RemoteViewing, strongly feel thatuncontrolled widespread runawayspeculation is a much greaterpernicious social and economic illthan runaway inflation. We livein times ofhistorically unprecedentedinstitutionalized greed andfinancial speculation.  Authoritative governmentaland monetary power-centersshould have behaved moreresponsibly and might eventually,most probably, be madeaccountable for having failed toprevent such obvious man-madedisasters. Artificially-induced economicalparadises are just that: Chimericalexperiments of self-gratificationthat inevitably bring down withthe collapse of their isolationistmental walls real-world realitiesthat come then crushing down onall of us and face us with rebounds t r eng th and implacab leconsequences.www.probablefuture .com

From the Producer of the REMOTE VIEWING THROUGH SPACE AND TIME

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