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IRONIC W RRIORFebruary 31, 1989 TH IRON WARRIOR STAFF SAYIN WHAT THEY WANT February 31, 1989

el r c

ron Warriorstaff rises inbloody coup

Inside

Rape

Pillage

Murder

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2MOIRIB. JDXOlIrS

AAArgh It was enough tomake a sane man go screaming intothe night, the constant nagging: usethe dots, use the dots, morebreakers, don't put text insideways, type this, use more dots.Well dammit I've finally broken, nolonger will I put up with thetyrannical abuse of the formereditors come shark-bait. For justone short fleeting moment I willhave absolute power over whatgoes into this literary tour de farce.Mutiny you say, a traitor youcall me, I prefer to think of myactions as a restructuring of thebalance of labour. Namely, I'm incharge now. So down with battenedhatches, poop the scrubbed deckand hoist beers not main sails. It'stime for a little layout frivolity, todo all those naughty things that therestrictive quality control standardsof the previous commanderwouldn't allow. Like headlines withno relevance to the article, or forthat matter headlines without anarticle. like maybe putting breakerswithin breakers, like perhapsscrambling the articles to make theissue more intellectuallychallenging. Like perhaps using thelike word like like all over the likeplace, I mean like totally awesome,I mean like exxcellent man. And usemore dots, way more, all over theplace, we bought em we gotta likeuse them up, all of them.

IRONIC WARRIOR

AW AKIBNHNCG and deep down wish that it woulddisappear completely. This would,I suppose, eliminate that heavyAs I woke up this morning, I burden placed on man whenfound myself with a devine Newton created the law of gravity.insight. I was thinking about the As engineers, however, I wouldfact that all of the natural parts of like to remind you that ourour lives which were taken for livelyhood really does depend ongranted a generation ago are at risk g r a ~ i t y . Would NASA have paidnow. Many people haven't put engmeers to develop their spacemuch thought into it, but it really is program if they were not tieda pressing issue for us now. down to the planet by gravity?A decade ago, most people Would Skyscrapers be built bythought that we could always engineers if gravity was not acount on unlimited clean air and concern? Would people useabundant quantities of clean water. bridges if they could merely floatWe thought that no matter what we over the necessary streets? Candid the environment was more you imagine how difficult it wouldr 2 \ / powerful. We know now that we be to pour chemical solutionsWhitehead the Pirate t I f ~ _were wrong, so why are we still without gravity. It would become athe Good Ship Lollipop ' - taking many of these facets of our major headache. We would learnlives for granted? about sublimation in grade 3 and100 WCO>1F{DS Take for instance g r a v ~ t y . It is a only hear about freezing andnatural part of the enVIronment evapouration in specialized labs inWell this is finally it. After all the which, just like water and air was high school or university.articles, all the late layout nights, all taken for granted merely a But of course the real problemthe last minute writing to fill space, generation ago. Why are we not lies in the fact that without gravity,the IW has finally been taken over concerned about gravity. monkeys will have it altogether tooby the best people for the job. Yes, I would like to propose that the easy to get at the basket ofthe writers and layout staff have reason we are not concerned is that coconuts hanging at the other endcontrol of the bridge and we're - - w _ e - : - s _ u _ b c _ o _ n : : - c _ i o - : - u _ s . . . . : l y ~ d _ i s _ l i _ k _ e . . : : g r : : . , - a v _ i . . . . : t y ~ of a massless rope, over agoing to do what we want with it undergrad, here's my chance . frictionless pulley. When this(so there ). There is only one restriction, the becomes the case, the monkeyeditorial can only be 200 words. populat ion will climb extremely

And so we have decided that inour infinite wisdom that I shouldget to write an editorial. Ever sinceI was a small frosh writing for theIW I've always wanted to spew myideas upon others with indiscretionand general carelessness. Like theIW editors do now (notice theycouldn't edit this part out). Wellfinally now that I'm a small

The Ironic Warrior is a forum forprovoking and misinforming the academiccommunity of the U of Loo, through theuse of deliberately inaccurate and nonsenseliterature. Views expressed in the II:mlikWanior. and most defmitely including theeditorials. in no way express the trueopinions of even a single person. Theauthors take no credit for their work. andexpect no blame. f you don't like it that'syour problem because the editor isgraduating.The Ironic Warrior encouragessubmissions. but if you put them in nowyou're just a touch on the late side asnObody wiD be around to print them. fyou really wish to submit an article orletter dlen send it to our co-publication theIron Warrior as they need all the help theycan get. If you want to submit somethingsend it to us written legibly, not in thecrayon we've been using. You should put

WHAT I only have 10 words rapidly. They will quickly force usleft. Oh well, save the ... (editor in out of the CN Tower andchiefs note, Jorge was cut off eventually off of the planet.because he used too many words, If I urge you, please act soon.you want to know what he thinks Consider the consequences. Theask him, believe me he's highly future of the planet is in youropinionated) hands now. You have beenSir Adorethe Culty Sark

your. name. and class on it, if you want anyCredIt for t If you don't w e ~ l l just makeone up. Include your phone number ifyou're a good looking. available femalewho happens to be lusting after an editm'.All submissions, no matter what you say,become the property of the UW recyclingprogram, which reserves the right to shredyour article into as many little bits aspossible. We reserve the right to mutilatethe spelling and grammar and add as manytypo's and comments as we like. Authorsrights will be completely ignored. Allenquiries should be addressed to:

IronicWanjor3rd slall alongCPH 1329University of WaterlooWATERLOO, OntarioDon't call us we'll call you.

warned _c r ; 7 7 ~Scammer the Pirate

February 31, 1989CaptivesDanny LeeSonya MontgomeryPiratesWhitehead the PirateSir AdoreClift Knocksl"QP6 .112 is 8llf@ftRuthless RedbeardThe Intrepid ShapiroScammer the PirateNot Walton ChanRichard Dawson

Laid-off/C s ~ IUDI Q]1-s(UDe,Cefm]

f(Q]t-sf Q ) ~ ~ 8Iypecasters~ a r n ilrlt't11aOXl1ptO :i:l1ampoPornol:raphyRumSodomyLash

ShipsThe Parrot Ship RollyJoggerThe H.M.S. Vic TannyThe TitanicThe Star-Chair EnterpoopThe Canoe without thePaddle up S.CreekThe Orinoco Flow - S j ~ fThe H.M.S. Shakin YerBountyThe S.S.MinnowThe BismarkThe Cutty SarkThe Good Ship LollipopThe Feudal Family FlotillaWarts (Warrior Arts)Mr. Bill (oooh Nooo):CHAN

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February 31, 1989 IRONIC WARRIOR 3

Prez Gagged (Editor's note: Jorge knows allabout this one)but continues pontifficatintb ~ ~ b E O T t ~ ~ n J ~ l ~\ YOU. Come on out and find a 101

By Sir AdoreSubstituting for J.V.The BismarkWell John's a little tied up at themoment so he asked me topontificate for him (I don't know ifI like this). What's that John? Ican't understand you until youremove the gag from your mouth.Oh your hands are tied. Don'tworry John, I know what youreally wanted to saySo on behalf of John here we go.Once again its time for myincredibly long drawl of the thrillingspills and edge-of-your-chair (stoolfor those in the Davis Centre)suspense coming up in Eng Soc.

6 students killedThanks to all the profs and studentswho came out to the FacultyStudent full contact rollerballtournament. It was a great gamewith only 6 students killed, 13maimed, and 25 bleeding. Theprofs managed to scrape by withonly 3 dead, 5 maimed, and 17bleeding. The final score was 12-9for the students but the profs saidthey would make it up at finals.The Pus Bush is going around thebend. If your a complete idiot and

\ \ K uses for an engineering frosh. Yes,~ 1 \ ) not only are they fun to laugh at but' \, i . they make great basketballs, pot

' I 0 holders, door mats, bike racks, and Q 97 other uses. Remember a prize? r - :-vill given fout for the mostmovanve use 0 a live frosh, dead6 frosh, and any use for an CompoQ Eng. frosh. The ever so gala, drink till you drop

:0 r in a tux (it's only a rental), Eng BallQz0 -UUembroidery byGrandma Eng Soc

t ()ON'1 m a ~ e m stand u p . _ . ~

happened last Saturday night. Johnsays he enjoyed himself butevery time I ask him for details heseems to get a little vague. Oh well,it must have been a foggy room. P.P. S. (Past Prez Spews) "John wasa puddle."DOUBLE JOINTED EXECMEETING. A Soc was bendingover backwards to show theirappreciation for the incrediblebrunch. Funny, I didn't see Johneat a lot but our water pitcherseemed to always be empty. Forthose of you who didn't show up,you will be dipped in a VAT ofBOILING MAZOLA as soon as weget the movie rights sold.

don't know what this is about thenyou don't deserve to. So for the restof us who know what's going on :be there, Nah Nah to everyone else.Some of the other high schoolsacross Canada challenged us. Notto worry we assassinated theoffending parties. P.S.(Pontificaiton Subclause) If youdon't come out John will hunt you

down and pontificate all over you.(0000, what a scary thought).GRANDMA ENG SOC WANTSYOU TO BE A DIRECTOR So puton your shades, get out yourfolding fabric lawn chair (Of coursewith your name neatly embroideredby Grandma Eng Soc on the back)and make some movies. Butremember don't go over budget.Wheww, that was a longpontification. I think I'll have asmoke. Do you still respect me?

urvey Says frosh are going to be awfuldisappointed when they get here.Most of the sub fresh believe thatthis university has a population of50% or greater women. Actualstudents paint a far less rosylectures. Amongst actual studentsresponses fell into a bimodaldistribution, with peaks at zero and35 hours a week. Nobodyanswered the expected 20 hours aweek as suggested by the subfrosh, are we goofing upsomewhere.

by Richard DawsonThe Feudal Family FlotillaYou may have noticed the largenumber of sub-frosh roaming thehalls on March 14. During thistime, I took it upon myself tosurvey these sub-frosh on theirexpectations for their social lives onenrolling at the University ofWaterloo. These sub-frosh proveto be remarkably unimfonned as to

the realities of life as an Engineeringstudent.Responses to the first question"How many beers do you expect toconsume on average during a day atUW?" were confounded by the

presence of parents in most cases.Among respondents the averagevalue was 1 beer per day, with mostresponses being zero and a coupleof prolific drinkers bringing up theaverage. When actual students atUW were posed the same questionthe average response was 3 a dayprolific drinkers bringup the average

with highexecutivededicationindustry.ranking Eng. Soc.confirming theirto supporting local

The elicited responses forquestion two suggest that some

popUlation 0 50picture. Marcel attempted to provehimself an intellectual by quotingthe Globe and Mail statistic, whichput us at 39% female. Many werenot convinced of the accuracy ofthis poll, stating that they must haveinterpolated using the Arts statisticsonly.When questioned as to how muchstudying they expect to do per weekmost of the sub-frosh agreed thatthey would do slightly over onehour homework for each hour ofMonkey See, Monkey Sue

by Clift KnocksS.S.MinnowScandal rocked the Iron Warriorcopy desk early Wednesday

morning as the impending lawsuitagainst UW student Carolyn Anglinwas announced.The civil action is being launchedon behalf of Tojo, a rare 10 KgMalaysian spider monkey, who wasleft crippled from a freak ropeclimbing accident. Evidencesuggests that Tojo was attemptingto duplicate Ms. Anglin's solutionto the "Monkey and the Rope"problem (IW Mar.3/89). The

unsuspecting simian had fullyexpected to reach the pulley at thesame time as a 10 Kg payload ofcoconuts (as suggested by Ms.Anglin's solution), but as he began

Tojo loses his coconuts

climbing the rope, the imbalance ofopposing forces sent him crashingto the floor. Tojo sustained multiplefractures and contusions. mostlyfrom the fall-out of coconuts afterthey shot up to the pulley.

An onlooker pointed out that hadTojo taken first year physics withPhil Eastman, he would haveknown enough to draw a free bodydiagram before attempting theexperiment. He would then haveknown that Anglin's solution couldonly work with a massless rope andfrictionless pulley, available atphysics department storeseverywhere.Also named in the liability suit area number of systems Profs.responsible for the 1B dynamicscourse.

Amongst the sub-frosh it wasclear that some of them are c mingto Waterloo for aU the right reasons,others are going to burn out beforethe end of frosh week. Mostfrosh intend to sociallyhibernate

indicated that they would beattending very few socialengagements (parties) during theaverage week. The less markconscious sub-frosh indicated thatthey would probably get drunkduring frosh week and continuepartying 4 to 5 times a week.Funnily enough, the majority ofStudents polled agreed with this lastgroup, with the average studentgoing out 3 times a week.The basic conclusion that can bedrawn from this is that the froshthat will be joining us comeSeptember are going to be in bigneed of a major realignment ofdirection if the,intend to survivehere. Most of them seem to beintending to hibernate sociallyduring their time at UW. This isbad, They are going to need all thehelp we can give during froshweek. The need is their, come outand join the orientation committee,the frosh are desparately in need ofyour guidance.

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