Introduction to Howzah StudiesLesson 7:

Etiquettes of dialogue and dealing with differences

From the presentation of Ali Moshirsadri (October, 2005) References on Dialogue:

http://traubman.igc.org/dialogue2.htm

By Sheikh Safdar Razi

Is having different understandings of the same topic normal?

• Yes it is. Why?• We are created from the same

essence, but each of us are different.• We are different genetically, logically,

emotionally, psychologically, culturally, by gender, by level of knowledge, and learning backgrounds. Thus, we can have different understandings.

• We can believe in the same topic, but have different understandings regarding the details of the topic.

Is having different views about the same topic acceptable?

• Let us see what does the Glorious Quran teaches us:

�ر� ذ�ك م�ن م �اك �ق ن ل خ� �ا �ن إ �اس الن �ه�ا ي� أ �ا ي

�ل� �ائ و�ق�ب !ا عوب ش م �اك ن و�ج�ع�ل �ى نث و�أ م ق�اك ت

� أ �ه� الل ع�ند� م م�ك ر� ك� أ �ن� إ فوا �ع�ار� �ت ل�ير2 ب خ� �يم2 ع�ل �ه� الل �ن� إ

• “O you men! Surely We have created you of a male and a female, and made you tribes and nations that you may know each other; surely the most honorable of you with Allah is the one amongst you most careful (of his duty); surely Allah is Knowing, Aware.” (49:13)

Continued…

�ف�ين� �ل ت مخ ون� ال �ز� ي � و�ال و�اح�د�ة! م�ة! أ �اس� الن �ج�ع�ل� ل �ك� ب ر� اء ش� �و و�ل

�م ألن� أل �ك� ب ر� �م�ة �ل ك �م�ت و�ت �ق�هم ل خ� �ذ�ل�ك� و�ل �ك� ب ر� ح�م� ر� م�ن � �ال إج م�ع�ين� � أ �اس� و�الن �ة� ن ج� ال م�ن� �م� ه�ن ج�

• “And if your Lord had pleased, He would certainly have made people a single nation, and they shall continue to differ.Except those on whom your Lord has mercy; and for this did He create them; and the word of your Lord is fulfilled: Certainly I will fill hell with the jinn and the men, all together.” (11:118-119)

Continued…

ر�ين� �ش� مب �ين� �ي �ب الن Dه الل �ع�ث� ف�ب و�اح�د�ة! م�ة! أ �اس الن �ان� ك

�اس� الن ن� �ي ب م� �ح ك �ي ل ح�ق� �ال ب �اب� �ت ك ال م�ع�هم ل� �نز� و�أ و�منذ�ر�ين�م�ا �ع د� ب م�ن وه وت

أ �ذ�ين� ال � �ال إ ف�يه� �ل�ف� ت اخ و�م�ا ف�يه� �فوا �ل ت اخ ف�يم�ا�م�ا ل وا آم�ن �ذ�ين� ال Dه الل ف�ه�د�ى �هم ن �ي ب !ا �غ ي ب �ات �ن �ي ب ال هم ج�اءت

�ل�ى إ اء �ش� ي م�ن �ه د�ي ي Dه و�الل �ه� �ذ ن �إ ب ح�ق� ال م�ن� ف�يه� �فوا �ل ت اخ � �ق�يم ت م�س اط� ص�ر�

• “Mankind was one single nation, and Allah sent Messengers with glad tidings and warnings; and with them He sent the Book in truth, to judge between people in matters wherein they differed; but the people of the Book, after the clear Signs came to them, did not differ among themselves, except through selfish contumacy.

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• Allah by His Grace Guided the believers to the Truth, concerning that wherein they differed. For Allah guided whom He will to a path that is straight.” (2:213)

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Dialogue between Muslims is healthy

• ال�م�و�ع�ظ�ة� و� ة� ك�م� ب�ال�ح� ب�ك� ر� ب�يل� س� إ�ل�ى اد�ع� �إ�ن ن� أ�ح�س� ه�ي� ب�ال�ت�ي م اد�ل�ه� و�ج� ن�ة� س� ال�ح�و� و�ه� ب�يل�ه� س� ع�ن �ل ض� ب�م�ن ع�ل�م�

أ� و� ه� ب�ك� ر�ت�د�ين� ه� ب�ال�م� ع�ل�م�

أ�

(16:125) “Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious: for thy Lord knows best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance.”

Dialogue is a positive way of communication.

• Dialogue raises awareness and knowledge

• Dialogue removes the walls of suspicion

• Dialogue can dissolve boundaries between people

• Dialogue can heal relationships

(cont.)

• Dialogue can result in a wellspring of new social intelligence previously unimagined

• Dialogue moves us out of our isolated existence and beyond our restricted views

• Dialogue allow us to still choose what we prefer

• With dialogue, together we can come to an understanding for the benefit of all

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Guidelines for Dialogue:

• Listening

• Speaking

• Discovering

Listening

• Listen with compassion from the heart. Avoid quick judgment or placing blame. Control the urge to argue.

• Listen with equal respect to everyone, regardless of status or roles.

• Listen to each person’s special contribution for deeper understanding.

• Listen with an intention of learning rather than seeking a confirmation of current thinking.

• Listen to the quality of your own listening skills.

• Listen for common threads within the collective minds.

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Speaking

• Speak from your heart and from your own authentic life experience. When possible, use “I” instead of “we”, ”you”, or “they”.

• Be willing to contribute even half-formed, unfinished ideas or thoughts. They may be the seeds of new insights and intelligence for the group.

• Ask questions with a genuine curiosity, as if wondering, or not knowing the answer, rather than seeking to make a point.

• Speak when you are truly "moved" rather than to merely fill a void. Allow for silence when appropriate.

• Share air time. Try not to dominate the conversation.

• Use considerate language. Avoid using labels whenever possible.

• Acknowledge your new insights gained from the group.

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Discovery

• Focus on breakthrough-learning rather than being right. Seek to invent a common future with shared meaning, transcending old supposed limitations.

• Move back from conclusions and move toward observations and discovery. Pay attention to what you're noticing and what meaning you're deriving.

• Pay attention to your judgments, assumptions, and certainties. Hold them lightly, explore and examine them, and consider alternatives that may be just as useful.

• Be present to what's happening inside you as well as in the group.

• Be involved while being detached -- open to outcomes but not attached to specific outcomes.

• Allow for pauses and silence -- reflection has its own rhythms.

• Look for deeper levels of understanding. What is the "meaning" of something to the other person?

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• When there is a disagreement, keep talking. Explore the disagreement and search for areas of agreement -- common ground.

• Be open to changing your mind. This will help you really listen to others' views.

• Respect confidentiality. If you talk about your dialogue experience to people outside of the group, refrain from using people's names or sharing their personal experiences.

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Dialogue Compared with Debate

Dialogue is very different from our usual ways of communicating. The specifics of dialogue can be easily forgotten, so it helps to review the principles.

• Dialogue is collaborative: two or more sides work together toward common understanding. Debate is oppositional: two sides oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong.

• In dialogue, finding common ground is the goal. In debate, winning is the goal.

• In dialogue, one listens to the other side(s) in order to understand, find meaning, and find agreement. In debate, one listens to the other side in order to find flaws and to counter its arguments.

• Dialogue enlarges and possibly changes a participant's point of view. Debate affirms a participant's own point of view.

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• Dialogue creates an open-minded attitude: an openness to being wrong and an openness to change. Debate creates a closed-minded attitude, a determination to be right.

• In dialogue, one submits one's best thinking, knowing that other people's reflections will help improve it rather than destroy it. In debate, one submits one's best thinking and defends it against challenges to show that it is right.

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• Dialogue involves a real concern for the other person and seeks to not alienate or offend the other. Debate involves a countering of the other position without focusing on feelings or relationship and often belittles or deprecates the other person.

• Dialogue assumes that many people have pieces of the answer and that together they can put them into a workable solution. Debate assumes that there is a right answer and that someone has it.

• Dialogue remains open-ended. Debate implies a conclusion

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