INNER LEADERSHIP How to master your life

written by

Daniele de Lutzel

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Copyright 2007 Daniele de Lutzel

TRACE OF HUMAN!

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Contents

1. Introduction…………………………………………….…...4

2. Why are we feeling dissatisfied?..........................................5 a. Stress due to strangers....................................................9 b. Stress due to lack of stability........................................12 c. Pressure due to optimization .......................................14 d. Stress due to envy ...................................................18 e. Stress due to choice of identity.....................................22 f. Stress due to mental overload.......................................25

3. Western concepts versus eastern concepts of

happiness............................................................................28 4. A model on three levels: reality, possibilities, harmony

a. A world of reality..........................................................49 b. A world of possibilities.................................................53 c. The line of birth..............................................................56 d. A world of harmony.......................................................61 e. A natural flow.................................................................64

5. Our self-perception is our self-constructed prison

a. Memory is a cheater.......................................................68 b. How perceptions of yourself depend on your moods.................................................................................71

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6. Free the flow between the levels or reality, possibilities

and harmony

a. Get a booklet ..............................................................78 b. Keep the booklet constantly with you.........................81 c. Start by all means........................................................82 d. Keep writing every day...............................................83

7. Basic rules to writing...........................................................85

8. Directing the conscious stream of your unconscious

into words.................................................................................88

9. Get a meta-view- becoming aware of your moods..............99

10. Obstacles or why your mind will tell you that you

can do without this ................................................................109

11. Conclusions......................................................................115

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1. Introduction

At the turn of my fortieth birthday, I was in a deep depression.

Future only seemed to hold only hardship and pain, I lost

interest in contacts. I would wake up at night and sit awake,

trembling with an unnamed fear. This depressive state lasted

for several years and I felt like sliding down to hell.

I hid my despair well from my family and friends, I felt

ashamed. I had no reason to feel unhappy; I had a caring

husband, two adorable kids a home, and no more worries than

the average middle class family. My doctor proposed anti

depressants but I was always suspicious about substances that

influenced my body and even more my mind and I didn’t want

to take any. I took some homeopathic treatment, without much

help.

Looking back, I think I found myself in front of a decisive

inner jump in my psychological evolution and I just didn’t

know how to make it. I was like a snake that needed to shed the

old skin but didn’t manage to get out of it. It stuck. And it hurt.

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I’ve encountered many similar cases since then. Clients who

came to me for professional reasons, in order to find another

job or another professional direction turned out to have deeper

concerns obstructing their perspectives.

Gradually, I managed to get out of the mental mud. The sun

started to shine again. The future didn’t look as dark anymore. I

learned to live again.

Today I can say that one of the decisive tools that helped me on

my long journey to recovery was a little book I used to write

my thoughts in.

Years later, during my activity as a career coach, I worked on

enhancing the approach I had used myself. I proposed it to

clients whose problems seemed to go beyond a career topic and

who seemed to be stuck in an inner evolution. The results were

beyond my dreams.

Interested by neuro-science and psychology I began to

research what was actually happening. And I decided to share

my findings

At this point I want to announce a disclaimer : this approach

does in no way replace a therapy with a psychologist, on the

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contrary, it can be used in a guided therapy. I always referred

my depressive clients to qualified help and there are cases

where consulting a doctor is absolutely necessary.

Neither do I proclaim psychopharmacology to be superfluous.

I am only suggesting that an inner state of unwellness has to be

treated in a holistic way and my approach can help to complete

what modern medicine has to offer.

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2. Why are we feeling dissatisfied?

Lea is a very attractive woman in her forties, her eyes

sparkle, she is pretty and she still has the body of a

teenager. Lea is happily married and proud mother of an

8 year old. In spite of all of that, she feels unable to cope

with her life. She can’t sleep at night and her days are

filled with anxiety.

Dan is a father of two turbulent kids. When he lost his job

in a travel agency, he decided to stay at home and look

after the children and let his wife earn a living for the

family. The day I got to know Dan he confided that he

takes anti-depressants and feels that life has no

perspectives to offer.

Compared to the situations of the homeless, the sick, the

deprived and the lonely, these two people seemingly don’t have

valid reasons to be unhappy, so why do they feel desperate?

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About 121 million people worldwide currently suffer from

depression. An estimated 5.8 per cent of men and 9.5 per cent

of women will experience a depressive episode in any given

year.

Whoever has been in a depressive state will compare the

prevailing feeling of hopelessness and despair to a self inflicted

torture that no one would wish upon any enemy. It seems as if

all happy memories of hope and success are forgotten and

darkness and doom gradually takes over.

According to statistics, every human being has a chance to

encounter a depressive phase once in their life. In the

developed world the prescription figures of anti-depressants has

tripled in the last ten years. These figures concern only the

cases where depression was treated. Therefore we can easily

suppose that the number of people feeling discouraged, cynical

or burned out and who don’t look for medical treatment are far

higher. How many hide from facing their lives through keeping

busy and giving themselves no time off to reflect lest they

might fell prey to depression?

Are we all in a gigantic trap? It seems as if dissatisfaction and

unhappiness has become part of us. Can there be valid reasons?

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Our minds are exposed to increasing pressure:

a. Stress due to strangers

There is a ring on the door. You wonder who it is- the

postman already passed, you’re not expecting anybody,

a salesman? A burglar?

You are sitting in your living room in the evening, the

TV is turned on. Suddenly you hear a funny noise from

the kitchen- some intruder or the dishwasher?

You see your boss walk into the office accompanied by

two very well dressed gentlemen that behave like

they’re masters of the place- my God- inspection? The

police? Somebody from headquarters? Consultants?

We deal with much more strangers on a daily basis than our

grandparents did. Although that might seem natural or even

exciting to some, to our stone-age brain a stranger is an

unknown entity – a potential threat. This danger has to be

evaluated and judged because of lack of information- is

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there a danger? How far can the person be trusted? How far

do his beliefs, ways of life match ours? How best to

behave?

In some cultures, information is transmitted by the name-

an Indian for example can often figure out the origin, clan,

caste religion and culture of his Indian counterpart simply

by hearing his name. In other cultures this link once existed

but is lost nowadays.

When we lack information about the person we don’t know,

we will try to find out. A quick inbuilt mechanism for

supplementing missing information are our prejudices in

judging language, skin colour, look, dress and manners,

while our subconscious evaluates gesture, mimics and

smell. Our mind in its basic structure hasn’t evolved much

since the Stone Age and for the cave man being able to

judge his counterpart, without too much time lost on

analysing, was often a question of survival. Instead of

evaluating anew whom he had in front of him he just

compared to previous experiences or collective opinions.

Prejudices are therefore natural and an in-built mental

‘shortcut’.

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When we judge a contact important we tend to complement

our first impression by a search for more accurate

information like position, curriculum or referrals. Typically

in today’s information age you would ‘google’ an important

contact if you lack other information sources.

The brain will constantly compare the findings about the

stranger with stored information- for example an Italian

individual will be linked with previous situations involving

Italians. Attention will be given to what seems out of the

‘average’, what is not stored as routine or similar

information. At the same time information will be

remembered better and be evaluated more positively if there

is already such related material available in the mind. All

of this is aimed at reducing the uncertainty risk and the

stress the mind feels facing a stranger.

The fact that a lot of people move with ease among

strangers doesn’t mean that they have lost their primary

fear, it rather means that they have gotten used to it and

developed a successful strategy in how to deal with it. Their

previous experiences were probably positive. If they are

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faced with an unusual situation, or an unusual behaviour the

fear flares up again in no time.

b. Stress due to lack of stability

Mike arrived at his company after a vacation, only to

find that the name at his office door had been removed

and all of his personal belongings had disappeared.

Mike ran to his boss to hear that he was fired and was

asked to report to HR for details.

Most people have already heard a story like that, or have

heard of similar ‘out of the blue’ events or even

experienced a threatening situation that took them totally

unprepared. Actually it is not important whether those

events are a myth that in fact statistically doesn’t happen

too often, once they are engraved in the subconscious they

permanently threaten the feeling of security.

For most people not knowing what tomorrow will bring --

where they will live, what resources they will have -- is a

constant source of stress. Where the fear of instability

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cannot be balanced through family ties, by making sure that

in case of a catastrophe other members of the clan will take

over responsibility for the family as it happens in collective

societies, or through religion or other roots the individual

feels like a tree whose roots can loose their hold in any

storm.

This kind of instability is a threat to our identity in as much

as any unwanted change is a danger for the feeling of auto

determination (the power to act) and for the feeling of

competence, both elements that influence the feeling of

identity

For example unemployment and divorce prove to be not

only difficult life-situations but identity threatening events

and as such, stress factors that can influence physical and

mental health. The feeling of having to deal alone with the

problem is an additional factor of stress.

Having to deal with a problem means being able or unable

to solve it. Being unable to solve a problem when such

capacity is expected from you is a proof for the individual

of his/her personal worth or unworthiness. Rather than

feeling good for nothing the individual can choose to fall

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sick. Sickness then is a mental strategy to abandon

responsibility for the future. When you are sick you

obviously cannot cope with a situation- the reason is

projected from the mental level to the physical. We can

only guess how many in a population are sick actually

because of their feeling of insecurity

We have to take into account though that insecurity because

of lack of stability has different resilience levels in different

cultures. When you have never been used to stability, the

chances are that you are less destabilized by an event,

because you have learned from an early age how one deals

with such situations. Also, some cultures are more

indifferent about uncertainty than others.

c. Pressure due to optimization

Recently I found an article on Internet: how to have a

career and kids: 10 tips to manage it all. It has made

me feel insufficient- last time my 3 year old was sick I

had to stay at home again cause the play school

wouldn’t take him. My boss is getting annoyed at my

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repetitive absences. How come I don’t manage an

efficient emergency support system- like they suggest in

the article?

I have gained 5 pounds in my weight in the last year

and somehow I just don’t manage to lose it, I’m eating

too many sweets . I know that I should eat more

vegetables- then I would feel less hungry.

We are faced with the need to optimize. There is increased

pressure at work to optimize contacts, working hours and

productivity and we are encouraged by society to optimize

our private lives as well: to optimize our bodies, our leisure

time, to have a hobby, be a perfect father or mother, be

well groomed, good looking, fit, and a ‘winner’.

The less time is available, the more it must be used in an

optimal way- we excuse the lack of quantity with the

assurance of quality. Who hasn’t heard of the advice to

spend quality time with loved ones if we don’t have much

time available?

Even vacation has to fulfil a certain purpose- there has to be

adventure, cultural visits or ‘wellnes’.

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And of course all of this is possible- everything suggests

that it only depends on us- publicity and the press readily

suggest role models and envisage artificial situations that

often set unachievable scales.

We wonder why our salary or our sex life isn‘t up to the

published average. Our life seems less funny and

entertaining than in a soap opera like ‘Friends’ and if we

look in the mirror, despite the new branded handbag- we

don’t resemble remotely anything close to the model in the

Dior campaign..

Society sets mercantile ideals that are spread by the media

and instil in the public a constant desire to conform to this

ideal. Since that is rarely possible these artificially

constructed desires undermine self esteem because their

true fulfilment becomes inaccessible for the common man.

Optimization seems to conquer our lives and it goes hand in

hand with the quest for goals- if you want to optimize your

timing all actions should have a specific, focused purpose.

Small goals are streamlined with higher purposes.. A looser

is a person that has no goals or hasn’t managed to reach his

goals.

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The self is left with two strategies: either to deny the

mercantile role models in search for alternative values or

build up a mask, a make believe identity that suggests total

success and leadership of purpose to the outside world and

to the self. But this make belief only manages to trick us as

long as we are busy in our routines.

This concept of optimisation is built on the need of our

conscious existence, unfortunately the subconscious

functions according to entirely different rules. Not only is it

a place where paradox reigns, but also where the search for

a purpose is inversed into the purpose of search and where

superstitions and myths are alive and kicking. Claude Levi

Strauss already recognized that in the technical civilizations

there is no time for Myth unless it is inside the individual.

Most individuals are aware of their immediate goals but are

a bit lost when it concerns their overall purpose or even

startled when they find that their purpose of life seems to

change and float according to moods. Purpose is a deeply

personal thing and rather a question of psychological

evolution than of optimization.

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In today’s optimized world of results, goals and reality

there is no space left to hide for the individual.

d. Stress due to envy

Jean-Pierre had been promoted head of another

department. Christophe doesn’t think that he is such a

good manager. Why he? He keeps asking himself-

Jean Pierre must have some relations- he must have

pulled some strings.

The Johns are going on a family vacation to Bali this

summer. How do they manage that? Bali is expensive!

What a nice spot to relax, I wish we had enough

money to go!

Andrew has found the love of his life and he is getting

married to a beautiful girl. Some guys have all the

luck!

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Some highly successful soap operas build their success on

the envy of their spectators. From time to time the message

is conveyed that also the rich , bold and beautiful can

suffer or act stupidly and this provokes a deep satisfaction

in the spectator, because it dampens the envy and feeling of

inadequacy they feel towards these role models.

Ethnology has found contentment with life’s conditions to

be greatest in societies where there is a low level of social

difference- everybody lives in more or less the same

environment without much distinction. The feeling of envy

is low because there is not much distinction. In a society

where everybody has little and the ‘luxury’ isn’t accessible

or known to the majority of people there is more help and

neighbourhood spirit going on than in a group of people

competing about who has the best. But as soon as some

members of this society acquire more due to external

forces, they incite the envy of the rest for whom the

acquisition of this ‘more’ suddenly seems to become

possible.

In a globalised world knowledge of ‘who owns what’

becomes universal and the desire of imitation finds a

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number of possibilities and probabilities which before

seemed impossible or unimaginable.

The movie ‘The Gods must be crazy’ shows a good

example: in a ‘primitive’ tribe isolated from the

‘benefits’ of civilization an empty coke bottle falling

from the sky creates tensions and envy. In the movie a

representative of the tribe is sent into the unknown to

rid the tribe of the malefic object. Reality is often

different from the ideal represented in a movie: in the

real world other members of the tribe will rather search

how to acquire the desired good for themselves.

At the same time the feeling of envy may be confronted

with the rules of society or religion that forbid such

feelings. Rene Girard takes envy to be one of the central

elements of social interaction, a factor that builds up

aggressively that has to be reduced by the sacrifice of a

scapegoat. The more envy and aggressiveness builds up

in a society the more there is a risk of somebody who

will have to be accused of provoking those feelings.

History carries many examples of such people.

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In developed societies with a clear distinction of social

hierarchy the place of the individual is less and less fixed

through genealogy, culture and caste anymore.

Consumption permits the rich to express belonging to the

top. In the Middle Ages those possibilities were reduced:

dress indicated membership to a group, certain colours or

materials like silk weren’t permitted to lesser groups. The

finance minister of Louis XIV was incarcerated because his

palace was more beautiful and opulent than the king’s.

Some of these customs still exist today.

When my husband was a young employee in a German

bank he was advised not to wear a 3 piece suit as that

was reserved for a certain hierarchical status in the

company

But in today’s society the possession of expensive cloth, of

a limousine, of a palace is more often a question of money.

Thus money creates a new top caste.

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The poor only have the choice to copy or to develop

radically different models they can identify with and where

they can acquire a prominent social position without

money. Or they can find a scapegoat and sacrifice it to

lessen the aggressiveness until its next climax.

Last year in Parisian suburbs the role of the burned

scapegoats were taken by cars.

e. Stress due to choice of identity

My grandmothers went to special ladies finishing school

where they learned how to manage a household with

servants, how to plan a dinner with guests, how to manage

household expenses, how to raise kids, how to do aquarelle

painting and how to play some music- piano or harp. In all

evidence they were being prepared for marriage with well

to do men. Nobody asked them if their aspirations went

beyond being the lady of the house.

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When you look at genealogical trees you notice that in

former centuries families tended to live in the same place,

people took up the same or a similar profession as their

parents and generations rarely moved far away- in time of

peace there was a certain frame to everybody’s life set by

society.

In the past, the question of ‘who am I?’ was answered by

the environment and this did not need much questioning. In

case of doubt they talked to a priest who would reassure

them of the divine plan.

Two world wars in Europe brought a lot of turbulence for

two successive generations- traditions were erased, women

were put to work, men to war. Afterwards, nothing was the

same. A world had to be rebuilt from scratch and not only

the exterior world but also the concepts of collective

identities and roles had to be recreated. Other parts of the

world were exposed to similar influences through wars or

economic changes.

The ‘who am I?’ question becomes a vital element of

choice and the question changes to: ‘who do I choose to

be?’ Compared to our forefathers and through the media

we have many possible answers. But what to choose?

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The surrounding world offers a multitude of attractive,

readymade choices, except that our cave man’s brain has a

difficult time evaluating the consequences in a world where

everything seems to move. We therefore often prefer to

keep several options open. We have become masters of our

identity, of our self-worth and our actions. Being

empowered to make a choice means assuming

responsibility for its consequences. A wrong choice will not

only bring a bad outcome but also put our capacity as a

chooser into a bad light.

The family or clan isn’t the reassuring home it used to be

and it doesn’t protect the individual anymore. It doesn’t

impose its rules anymore as well and as a result for an

increasing number of people it doesn’t answer the question

of identity. The own identity has to be found alone and with

it the place of the individual in his surrounding society. But

those who search don’t always find and as a result an

increasing amount of individuals feel lost.

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f. Stress due to mental overload

In the morning at the office you open your mailbox to find

150 mails- you’ll have to sort them in half an hour because

the meeting will start then. On your way you read an article

in the paper about something important you should know,

what was it again? – There, a friend has sent you a link

about an absolutely fascinating book dealing exactly with

your topic, you quickly order it, wondering when will you

find the time to read it….

Another source of stress is the clear mental overload of

information. We are more and more interconnected with the

world. The need for information has shifted to the need for

information management. What to concentrate on? What to

leave out? What to store? What to link? These are decisions

our brain has to make each day. And responsibility for these

decisions has to be taken.

The mind lacks an overview and can consequently be panic

stricken. The brain can only manage a certain number of

processes.

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For example our ‘personal’ contacts, the people with

whom we are in close link are limited to 150, if we

execute for example an activity like driving and

phoning at the same time our brain will treat both

activities successively and not concurrently.

A common strategy of the brain is to concentrate on one

activity and to zap or forget less important ones. In complex

decision processes, being aware of our insufficiency, we

tend to shove decisions unto others or to collect sufficient

proof (often in the shape of figures) to back up a made

decision so as not to appear incapable.

Another option is to ‘put the head in the sand’ hoping

nobody will notice, yet another to voluntarily reduce

information in reading only headlines, deleting mails that

seem unimportant, not taking phone calls etc.

These are only some of the reasons why we have every right to

feel stressed. As you see, a lot of those stressing factors imply

choices and decisions. In making a choice or a decision the

individual has to take responsibility for his own actions.

The outcome of a decision therefore becomes an indicator of

the quality of the individual for all to see. That means that we

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feel constantly observed and watched in our capacity to make

good decisions.

The only possible strategy for the self to escape the pressure of

responsibility is to deny its own impact or to outsource

responsibility: to see oneself as victim: victim of circumstance,

of ‘the odds’, of reality or of other people, and to suffer a

victim’s fate.

Another solution is to learn a different way to deal with our

stress and our responsibilities.

3. Western versus eastern concepts of happiness

Since the existence of mankind, humans have sought

happiness. However, the concept of happiness has changed

over the centuries and isn’t the same in each culture.

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Asked today what will make our life happy -- most of us will

give an answer that implies our wishes and desires. We tend to

believe that fulfilment of our desires will surely bring

happiness in our life.

Somebody who feels lonely will focus on his loneliness, if he

were to meet the perfect partner and not be lonely anymore-

then his life would be truly happy. The Sick will dream of how

happy they will be if they were in good health, the poor will see

heaven in the possession of money.

Often we feel that everything will turn out just fine if only the

major obstacle were moved…. only too often do we discover

when the wish is fulfilled that another desire hides final bliss

from us.

Lasting happiness seems too often out of reach.

The individual as desire- driven- that is one of the rare points

where psychologists and neuro-biologists agree. For the

neurologist the desires are basically controlled by the limbic

system of emotions, for the psychologist the basic question is

the difference between conscious and unconscious desires and

their mutual relations.

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In both cases desires are a focus of research and recognized as

necessary ‘motor’.

Those who seem content with their situation, appear ‘removed

from this world’ simple-minded and without ambition, like

people who are somehow at the margin, not participating in our

society.

Desires are therefore at the centre of the individual in the

concept of us. And the symbol for desire in our culture is

money.

In former times and still in a lot of places all over the world

men were involved in activities that were linked to covering

their basic needs as food and shelter. The exchange was limited

and until very recent in history money was scarce and rarely

used in village locations where material or service- barter was

the rule.

In today’s globalised world, resources are more and more ruled

by the markets and their activities are therefore oriented

towards offer and demand or the money that serves as medium.

With that, money becomes a key to a fulfilment of desires that

sometimes are raised by market access. Possession becomes

possible and plausible.

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Money becomes a criterion, not only of potential possession but

also of global worth. In the minds of human beings this is

related not only to goods and services but also the position on a

social ladder and with it self-esteem and self worth. Money is

therefore seen by many as one of the basic ingredients to

happiness.

Some people will judge power as being a more important

happiness factor: having the power to command other people,

being somebody important and being able to do what you want.

The one with power is a leader. The other will have to follow,

they fear or admire the leader. The powerful have an impact.

The feeling of not being able to influence, having no power and

not having money is a source of frustration and unhappiness for

many individuals.

Another valued source of happiness is positive emotions. Being

in love, being excited, feeling ‘on top of the world’ are

desirable states of mind for a lot of individuals. Having those

emotions is identified with feeling alive. The adrenaline and

serotonin rush becomes addictive, without a regular ‘inner’ shot

life seems dull and not worth living.

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Whether it is power, money, emotions or something else-

apparently human beings link their state of happiness to the

conditions of life in their world. We often believe that living in

an agreeable place, being healthy, doing some work we

appreciate, having friends, possessing money will make us

happy. Vice versa, we believe in having a special power over

these conditions through our actions.

A western model for happiness

Good environmental conditions are supposed to induce happy

thoughts.

mind

money health

surroundings

friends

environement

looks

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We tend to believe that these environmental conditions are all

somehow linked to action, an activity that produces a result in

our world. Our happiness seems to reside in our actions and

those of others and their positive outcome.

Scientific research shows that in order to generate focused

action, there has to be certain dissatisfaction. There has to be

some disharmony inside concerning the actual and the desired

state of reality. In short, my desire for a certain product will let

me think about all the possibilities to quench this desire: from

earning money, saving money to stealing, borrowing, begging

etc.

If I have no desire or need to buy or possess anything, or if

possessing is impossible: why should I care for money?

In economy the satisfaction of real or imagined needs of buyers

and sellers is the basis of microeconomics and is said to

regulate the market. The market economy needs a state of

dissatisfaction as a motor. A material link between happiness

and possession, as we are bombarded by advertising is

therefore keeping the market economy going. At the same time,

it creates frustration in those that cannot afford to buy

‘happiness’. If we all will consume only according to our basic

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needs because we had no other desires we would link to

happiness, we would have an economic depression.

But this is not our point. I only mention it here to suggest the

possible existence of an internal mechanism that might prevent

the mind from going into a permanently peaceful, satisfied

state- the ego eventually considers that it needs the drive for

action that results from dissatisfaction and is afraid of loosing

this motor of action.

Being able to act is source of self esteem. The ability to act can

be restraint by the outside world, but it can also be restraint by

the inner world. In the occidental thinking the inability to act is

a major disaster that has to have a valid cause- sickness or

somebody else’s fault. Being a victim generates a valid cause

for the mind for which result it is not responsible.

Basically most people in the developed world live in the

described world of desires. This concept is the motor of

economic success in developing countries.

It is a big paradox for the West that one of the most wide-

spread diseases prevalent is depression, although often the life-

conditions of the affected are much better than elsewhere.

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Maybe the people in the West are faced with too many

contradictions in a changing world:

We value action, but how can you act successfully when the

environment becomes too complex?

We focus on ‘reality’ on ‘what is’ as elements of decision-

making, but our perceived reality is always yesterday’s reality.

– a little confusing.

We consider mentally sane a person who is able to produce a

commonly considered acceptable action in a world where a lot

of actions seem increasingly unacceptable to the individual- a

paradox.

We value someone as intelligent who is capable of questioning

beliefs, but we ask him at the same time to have roots that

stabilise his identity.

All of these are paradox demands that most individuals cannot

produce with an existing western thinking- pattern.

Something in our way of thinking has to change.

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Now if we look at religious concepts in eastern and even in

western religions, we notice that they insist on the opposite.

They confirm that happiness and inner satisfaction isn’t

something depending on outside circumstances, but on the

inner state of mind.

Wealth and comfort are seen in most religions rather as a

hindrance to salvation. The more you possess the more you are

attached. There are examples in all religions where followers

are asked to leave all attachments behind in order to seek

salvation.

A lot of spiritual leaders create an environment in which the

laws of possession and the rules self value through wealth and

power are suspended- a sacred space .The community then

often falls into the temptation to substitute those laws by a law

of fellowship bound by the dogma- The one who is the most

devote disciple is the highest in hierarchy.

The essential message is a different one.

There is this very confusing phrase in the Bible where

Jesus suggests that if somebody slaps you on the right

cheek, hold the left. I thought for a long time that this

meant giving in to whatever ruffian came along, until the

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thought struck me that he meant something entirely

different: My self esteem shouldn’t depend on outside

events as a ruffian slapping my cheek, but come from the

inside. If I feel I have worth, if I esteem myself, nobody

can really hurt me.

This is entirely opposite to the usual functioning of human

society. Self esteem and all that is related to it is an immensely

important topic for each human being. There is nothing as

destroying as feeling that you are worthless. Psychological

research has shown that self esteem is in reality largely

dependant on the outside, on appreciation or depreciation

coming from members of our communities. The exchange of

appreciation or depreciation and the adaptation or lack of

adaptation of behaviour to standard creates the linkage or

conflicts in our societies. Religions encourage us to go beyond.

The western living- concept is based on the activity level or

rather how the environment has to be mastered through cause,

effect and action. In this mindset, for example, mainstream

Christianity asks for a change in behaviour, towards

unselfishness, mercy, care and forgiveness in actions. The basic

38

aim is to better environmental conditions for everybody

through better individual action.

The psychological aim of the individual in Western culture is to

become autonomous and to then reach out to others. The

Eastern psychological concept is rather aiming to become part

of a whole.

Eastern ‘modern’ living concepts tend nowadays to follow

more and more the western model but their religions, for

example, Buddhism and Tantrism on the contrary oppose the

‘environment- influenced life’:

The concept of reality is much more relative in eastern

religions. The outside world as illusion that is created in each

mind therefore any action is a reaction to an illusion. This

approach can find its equivalent in string theory: according to

Physicists, we are just energy in different states and the world

is born through our perception and the way this perception is

processed and sorted by time and space in our minds.

This idea is complex and very abstract and most of all it doesn’t

put the individual and his intelligence at the centre around

which the life-universe unfolds. Here the individual is rather a

39

floating element amongst others tied to its ego by emotions and

desires.

Since reality seems to be born in the mind, eastern concepts

believe the mind can influence reality: once we control our

inner state of mind, outside circumstances become relative.

We sometimes experience how outside circumstances can be

relative: When we are in love, other things seem to matter less.

When we are in a state of shock- for example one of our loved

ones has had a dangerous accident or we learn that we are

seriously ill- all our worries abruptly change focus. A friend

tells us about an impending disaster, except that we can see no

disaster at all, a resolving, minor problem at best and we watch

how the other is entangled in his web of fears and stress.

Unfortunately, we can usually spot this state of mind in others

but we are incapable to diagnose it in ourselves. To master

desires and fears to a point where we master the environment

takes years of hard mental training even for a monk of eastern

religion. We call the capacity to be less possessed by our own

mind games: take distance, the art of dissociating our emotions

from the facts. Since even the facts are only a result of our

perception most of us will never completely acquire that inner

distance.

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An eastern approach put in other words: when we see events

differently, we try to change the way we evaluate them: a glass,

which was half empty is now perceived as half full- all depends

on how we interpret what we see.

We can evaluate things from another viewpoint: if we can

perceive the beauty of creation and we can deviate from seeing

things as negative: there can be beauty in the ugly and in the

common. The ugly and the common are created by the

associations we have with the object. A heap of dog shit can

have an aesthetic deep meaning. You don’t believe me?

Imagine it in an arts exposition, photographed by a famous

artist in black and white like a mountain, with high contrasts….

We can put events into different relations: for example we can

consider being very unhappy of all human beings because

we’ve lost our job, but there might be somebody on the other

side of the planet to whom our life represents the ideal, because

we’ll always have the means to feed ourselves. – bring western

and eastern concept of man into play. Avoid the word ‘our’ as

you put yourself in the reader’s mind. Stay out of it.

Our perception of the outside world is relative and the mental

state we are in hasn’t much to do with reality but with our

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perception of that reality. If we change our perception we

change our reality.

Tell a story to three different people and ask them after a

week what exactly you have told them: They will tell three

different stories, because our story resonated differently

in each- so much for different perceptions.

Neuro-scientific research on perception and memory confirms

that we seem indeed to be the creators of our very own reality.

Even if we take the world to be ‘real’ our minds perceive only

30 per cent of what exists and we process only 10 per cent. 90

per cent of reality therefore passes us by, each day.

In addition, our memory of an event is entirely re-written, once

we rethink of the event- our memory is constantly adapted to

our present mood and to our conscious or unconscious

requirements: we are constantly generating our own myths.

Even if we can grasp the above discussed eastern concept and

consider it valid, it still won’t help us with daily life. It takes a

lot of abstraction to see the world as strings of energy and our

body as just an illusion especially when after some hours our

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hunger convinces us that the illusion is very real, has its

implications and won’t go away. Apparently we are bound to

action and one of those is eating.

Somehow, being human seems to mean to live with the rules

and laws of the illusion- play the game in a sense, to fully live.

So, even the understanding of the world as illusion will not free

us of it.

An eastern model for happiness

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There are actually Buddhist monks, practised in meditation,

who have managed to transform their brain waves in a for

scientists fascinating way. They are able to control their

thinking and feel happy and compassionate in the most adverse

circumstances.

This seems an enviable state, but who can retire to the

Himalayas to become a monk or spend their life in constant

contemplation? Most of us are caught up in the day to day

reality which seems too far removed from these approaches and

we aren’t in a state to renounce the world.

After we have retreated for a while from our daily stress

(usually we call that vacation) we feel more relaxed and serene

and all set to be calmer in our work. Except that a few things

that go wrong unnerve us to such a point that we are caught in a

vicious spiral of stress in no-time. And somehow we loose

control- it is as if an event has pressed an inner button and a

chain of stress is released.

Actually that is what happens. Certain reactions to certain

events have been pre-programmed in our mind during

childhood, which means that the control of the process is out of

reach. We feel like being taken over by a demon. Hormones do

their biological part: adrenaline makes our blood pressure go up

mind

money

health

surroundings

friends

environement

looks

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and heightens our concentration -- it is the hormone that

enables the body to heighten its performance to escape danger.

Testosterone gives us the necessary assertiveness to overcome

our fear and to act. Our first reaction is often hormonally

induced and stereotype, we don’t take the time to reflect on an

adequate approach. We do not manage to get the necessary

distance, because being on the job again we are caught up in

the same spiral. Buddhists call the exercise that acquires the

necessary distance detachment. It takes a life of meditation and

different conditioning or for some a heavy shock in their life to

arrive at a permanent state of detachment. Detachment is

contrary to human nature- we are constructed to live by

emotions that built social spaces, that make us react, that make

us desire. It is not in vain that religions demand to surpass

human nature.

Yet, for somebody who is already taken with a timetable that

could easily fill more than 24 hours, detachment means to retire

from the job and to grow roses (if you study the biography of

some important men you realize that is exactly how they spent

the last days of their life) .

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I always loved the Indian idea that life is separated in different

phases: study, travel and discovery , family and work,

retirement and meditation. Interestingly, the observation of

human behaviour at different stages of life shows that there is a

changing interest and a change of outlook and values according

to the ages.

Our world has become more complex also in this sense. The

young have more choices than before, the time spent with

family and work isn’t obvious anymore and the old are much

more fit and dynamic than they were before and aren’t prepared

to play a passive role in society. The capacity to train

detachment, to get a broader view becomes a general

requirement needed to cope with a more complex world.

Where does one start the way to more detachment? And how

much time will that take on the time table?

Isn’t there a way to master our mind in a more constant way

that is adapted to our ways of life?

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4. A model on three levels: reality, possibilities,

harmony

Looking back at my depressive phase, I was intrigued by the

state of anxiety and stress my mental state had put me in.

Somehow there had been no moments of peace, of joy

anymore. And at the same time I retreated into an inner realm:

Usually a talkative and dynamic person, I became passive and

quiet. I wasn’t able to act anymore. Any activity seemed

useless and to no avail, or worse it seemed like a source of

stress where all I wanted and needed was to relax. Somehow I

was caught in a trap.

Later in order to explain this trap I have used my own

experience to develop this concept of different levels we

perceive our world at.

Please watch the illustration on the next page:

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Model of our world

World of reality

World of possibility

World of universal harmony

Action, day to day necessities, ‘reality’

line of birth

Area of reflection on possibilities, on past and future events

Peace of mind the purpose of life, The higher scheme Inconscious, God

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A. . The world of reality

The upper level is the level we most commonly call reality.

When we want to be ‘realistic’ we are taking into account what

we perceive at this level.

Reality is that you read these lines right now.

Reality means that you have to get up in the morning at a

certain time in order to fulfil your obligations or that you

don’t get up at the required time but then you face the

consequences.

The world of reality means the world in which we need to act –

the world of action and its consequences. The world where

things happen and we make them happen or it happens to us.

You have an exam on Thursday- a reality,

You have a meeting at 3 pm- a reality,

You eat- a reality,

You lose your purse- a reality,

Your car is stolen- a reality,

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The sun is shining- a reality.

A lot of people live with a concept of life where reality cloisters

everything.

In a western culture we are reality oriented. And we feel that

we influence reality through our focused actions. For us an

action without a purpose is deeply suspicious: Doing always

implies a sense behind it, whether it is to work, to relax, to

enjoy, to create, to analyse…

Action without a purpose is seen at best as dangerous and

foolish, at worst a sign for a weak debilitated individual. Even

when we resort to meditation or Yoga it is to sleep better or to

help an aching back. In that sense such activities are considered

to make the world of reality better.

Reality is often the only thing we truly believe in – we trust

what we experience, what we see or hear or what we learn from

trusted sources that fit into our logical system. Anything that

contradicts this logic cannot but be wrong. Our world of reality

is often the only world that is important for us, and it obeys

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‘scientific’ rules. We interpret these sources with a reality/

information perspective.

The world of reality is the world around us we perceive to be

true and our material relation to it: the world we act in and the

world that acts upon us. We take this reality to be objective and

shared by everybody.

Somebody sound of mind will have a vision of this world of

reality that is acceptable to society, someone who is considered

mentally retarded or mentally ill will not share our common

denominator of reality- he will live in a different reality.

Reality is as much an individual perception as it is an invisible

social agreement on a common denominator of people

belonging to the same culture - the more we share the same

culture the more our realities tend to coincide. The more our

cultures differ, the more we find the behaviour of the other, his

actions in the real world, incomprehensible.

As I said earlier- maybe this world is just energy in motion, but

that won’t save us from the consequences of repeatedly coming

in late for work. The energy in motion has its own laws and we

are a part of it. Being alive means respecting these laws, we

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have to eat, we have to sleep etc. - for a lot of people it even is

the most real there is in their lives. The world of reality is what

we call ‘world’ in general. Understanding of everybody, though

as we have seen not necessarily carrying the same meaning for

each.

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B. The world of possibilities

The level underneath the world of realities is the world of

possibilities.

‘I could have made a great career in the company, if only

I had studied abroad.’

‘If I had stayed independent I could have made enough

money by now and had my own clientele.’

‘If I hadn’t said that she would still talk to me.’

‘If I ask for a pay rise they might give it to me ,but then

they might fire me at the first occasion because I’m too

expensive.’

‘If I tell my idea my boss will be mad at me.’

‘If I don’t come home in time there will be big trouble and

everybody will ask where I’ve been.’

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‘If we don’t make as much turnover as planned somebody

will have to stand in for the consequences and I’m sure

the guilty will be laid off.’

The level of possibilities is all that could or can be happening in

the world of reality at a given moment. Obviously, out of all

possibilities only one will make it to the world of reality. But

the rest is not lost. We constantly play with it in our minds, or

let’s rather say with those possibilities that are accessible

through imagination.

We tend to go through all imaginable scenarios for the future,

mostly those that correspond to our hidden fears. To back up

possible outcomes of scenarios we tend to relate them to past

experiences or to what we have heard about similar events. The

detail and depth we tend to invest into such thoughts depend on

our personality and our personal experience of the

consequences of our acts, in other words- on our confidence to

deal with new situations. The more we are insecure about our

capacity to deal with a situation, the less elements we can

evaluate about the situation and the more important we judge

the outcome the more we tend to play with catastrophic

scenarios. Basically it’s our own probability calculation.

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Our confidence in our capacity to make decisions or simply

trusting our luck is also constructed in the world of

possibilities. It is continuously evaluated positively or

negatively through ‘if ’ thoughts- Interestingly we tend to use

if-thoughts rather in a negative way- resulting in regrets- if I

hadn’t done this, if that hadn’t happened – I would be …. ( and

as a result much happier) We shape eternal regrets and those

regrets tend to prove that we aren’t capable of making good

decisions or that fate has singled us out as the new Job.

When we formulate our thoughts of the past in a positive way,

we tend to think a lot about our ‘luck’ that brought about a

positive change.

The world of possibilities exists inside our mind but as we see

it is very real and connected to the World of reality. But

contrary to that world we know that the world of possibilities is

a personal world, we are aware that our thoughts are ours alone.

Our world of possibilities consists of our thoughts that express

our evaluation of past events, our regrets and satisfactions, and

our fears and hopes for the future.

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C. The line of birth

Separating those two worlds, the world of reality and the world

of possibility is the ‘line of birth’.

When a baby is born it is the start of an independently existing

being. There is a difference between the state of pregnancy,

where a baby is part of the mother’s body and the state after

birth, where the baby needs the mother but has an existence

separated from the mother.

As we will see, this independent state of existence, something

that is created by us is an important mind pattern. Our mind

uses the patterns of functioning of the body and of primary

experiences and transposes them on more complex thought

processes.

Giving birth is a mental pattern for creation- of having a visible

impact on the world around; of being able to exist in the real

world where there was nothing. When a child is able to control

his excrements it is a visible act of power for him- He can

‘produce’ at will. This is an important event in the construction

of identity. The feeling of having the power to act is important

for the identity of the individual, when an intention becomes an

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act the line from the world of possibilities to the world of

reality is crossed.

In our brain there isn’t much difference between acting and the

intention to act. When we imagine acting -- the corresponding

brain zones to the parts of the body responsible for the action

are activated -- only a specific area in the frontal lobe is also

active and it is this part that holds us back. The same way,

when we see somebody act, we activate mirror neurones

meaning our brain activates areas as if we were the actor. Here

again something in the frontal lobe tells us that our body isn’t

concerned. This mechanism allows us to predict outcome of

actions and to simulate actions- play with the world of

possibilities. The same mechanism is at the basis for empathy.

We will see later how empathy- a social skill- can play a role

for ourselves.

When we are kept from acting, when we don’t manage to cross

the line of birth, there is obviously the part in the frontal lobe

that holds us back- it is not yet clear what actually triggers this

bloc. Maybe our information level from own action or

observing others to make sufficient predictions of possible

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outcomes of actions is not sufficient enough or our past

experiences have been confusing or outright negative.

Sometimes the evaluation of the result of action isn’t obvious-

going for a run is painful but feels great once done- writing is

tedious but feels great when the ideas flow- Therefore there can

be contradicting impulses in one activity depending on our

evaluation of the outcome of each. Then we have two contrary

informations - on one side the mirrored action, on the other the

bloc that keeps the action from being executed.

Duty and pleasure are both factors that generate activity: I have

to do something or I want to do something.

Psychologically speaking, not all events that cross the line of

birth have a big significance. In general, when our thoughts

cross this line they take some more or less permanent shape in

reality -- we act.

When we speak we voice our thoughts in the world of

reality.

When we scratch ourselves our hand acts to a thought of

itching.

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When we eat we initialize a chain of actions whose

conscious consequences are digestion.

When we desire a piece of cake we see in the shopping

window of a bakery, this desire stays in the world of

possibilities…or we make it a reality in buying and eating

the cake.

As long as our thoughts stay in the world of possibilities they

aren’t incarnated at the reality level -- a thought that is not

spoken stays a possibility in the real world -- it hasn’t become a

reality for the surrounding world.

A thought that isn’t acted out can still have an impact on our

later action. It can meander through our brain and find its way

to influence another trail of neurones.

If for example, we don’t go into the bakery to buy the

piece of cake maybe when we get home we feel hungry

for some sweets and will eat a piece of chocolate instead.

Or we feel so proud that we have resisted the caloric

temptation that we treat ourselves to a new pair of shoes.

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In both cases the not acted out possibility influenced the

later actions.

Whenever we decide to cross the line to the world of reality we

make something happen that will again influence our outlook in

the world of possibilities. Through our actions our world of

possibilities changes constantly.

We will see how we can use the line of birth to master our

mind.

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D. The world of harmony

The world below the world of possibilities is a world that

transcends our personal identity; it is a level we aren’t always

conscious of. At this level we feel connected with creation; we

are part of a bigger scheme.

Typically most of us get a glimpse of this world when we are

overwhelmed: by the beauty of a landscape, music or of a

moment but also after a shock, for example an accident.

At that moment the reality level becomes unimportant,

somehow the focus shifts beyond us. We are at the centre but

we don’t perceive ourselves to be important, the feeling goes

far beyond ourselves.

We suddenly know what matters essentially.

We are on a higher level of conscience and we feel being in the

presence of something that is greater than our own existence.

We can also reach this level through exercise -- concentration,

prayer, meditation or an occupation that changes radically from

our usual habits. This is a state of mind where creativity finds

an outlet and where change happens.

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In our daily world (unless we are a member of a contemplative

order) this world tends to be neglected and ignored and only

gets a chance to express itself through dreams in our

subconscious mind.

It is difficult for me to describe this level as I’m convinced that

it is experienced by each individual in a very personal way. As

a consequence, I pondered over a name, but I think that again is

up to each of us: for some it is the subconscious, for some it is

eternal harmony, some call it God and others speak about

specific activation of areas in the brain- please feel free to call

it as you wish.

The existence of this world is often neglected or even regarded

as dangerous by those who live mainly in the world of reality.

We look suspiciously at anything that cannot be controlled in

an efficient way. It is a world with its own laws and they

function radically different from the world of reality. Only

detachment from focused action and purpose permits access. It

is a world ruled by ‘being’ while the world of reality is

commanded by ‘doing’.

Somehow the need for just this world becomes larger and larger

in a society that is globalised and optimised.

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I always feel that when a message is becoming a trend in

advertising you can expect it to be a collective desire of society.

Advertising agencies will carefully test their messages today --

there is no creative experiment without market research. A key

word to such a message is Zen. Zen has become a synonym for

peace of mind. And the desire for peace of mind sells -- there is

a car called Zen, a face cream called Hydra Zen, an interior

style called Zen etc. Zen has become part of international

vocabulary. But in coherence with the Western concept of

reality, the peace of mind is a benefit that is supposed to be

consumable through a product. Needless to say that the effect

of any product will be short lived and not sufficient to satisfy

the spiritual need of the Westernised soul.

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E . A natural flow

When we now look at those three levels or ‘worlds’ we can find

our presence in each one of them. This is actually necessary for

our well-being.

To live a harmonious life, one where we are serene but at the

same time dynamic and active, we need to have a constant flow

between the different levels.

The world of reality gives us an impact in life, a role in our

society through our actions, a feed back of existence to our

brain. Our actions can influence our mental chemistry and

trigger strings of thoughts or feelings.

The world of possibilities permits good decision making and

the use of our intellectual capacities. We create a possible

world of events, plausible or fantastic and we source our

options in these thought processes. At the same time we build

our own mental prison conditioned by our past experiences and

our beliefs and prejudices.

The world of harmony helps us not to be overwhelmed by the

importance and the emergencies of the world of realities and by

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our own fears and fantasies. The level of harmony is our inner

source where we can retire to, that can feed our soul every day.

Unfortunately, this flow is often disturbed in our daily life. As I

said earlier, we tend to give too much importance to the upper

world of reality and aren’t enough aware of our need for the

world of harmony. When we get exposed to continuous stress

that doesn’t even leave us the time to think, the thinking

process of the world of possibilities tends to take over at night.

When outer or inner pressure gets too much, we literally get

stuck. We get stuck at the level of possibilities.

When we get stuck, the same thoughts come around and

around to torment us. Somehow there is no possibility to link

up with the level of inner harmony and to calm down. On the

contrary, our thoughts resemble a whirlpool that draws its

circles closer and closer. We develop a tunnel vision.

This state isn’t comfortable and while we are happy when the

morning comes and our daily routine keeps us from thinking,

our mind will learn to fear the night and the loss of control,

especially while sleeping. We tend to have sleepless or

agitated nights filled with worries or regrets. At that stage the

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temptation is big to drug the mind with sleeping pills or anti-

depressants that work on the mind’s chemistry but don’t

necessarily resolve an underlying problem. Mental problems

have the bad habit to turn to other sources of expression if one

path is blocked. Allergies or sudden not well defined diseases

are only the harmless ones.

When we are completely stuck, we have no access to the world

of reality anymore either -- we avoid action, we feel paralysed.

Everything stays in the world of possibilities, nothing gets

done. Being in an inner state of panic, we fear the

consequences of our actions. The world of possibilities

becomes our prison. The more this state of mind continues the

more it becomes difficult to escape the prison. ‘What ifs’ block

action and’ if I’d only’ make the mind a captive of the past.

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Stuck in the world of possibilities

World of reality y

World of possibility

World of universal harmony

Action, day to day necessities Maya

Line of birth

Area of reflection on possibilities, on past and future events

Peace of mind the purpose of life, The higher scheme Unconscious, God

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5. Our self-perception is our self-constructed prison

To explain how to undo the knot that keeps us stuck at the level

of the world of possibilities, I need to make an excursion into

the functioning of our brains especially on memory and our

perception of ourselves:

a. Memory is a cheater

Our memory constantly tricks on us: Basically, in order to

remember we must have be attentive and attach high

importance to the event.

If you assist a discussion on diapers and don’t have

children yourself or are connected to young children

there is a pretty good chance that all information and

opinion given will be lost very soon. If on the contrary

you are a parent of a first newborn, you’ll soak up all this

for your vital information and you’re likely to even repeat

it to your partner.

Another test you can do for yourself -- tell a very

complicated rumour to somebody you know who will

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spread it and wait what will come back to you --

everybody will have added and subtracted elements that

seem important from their own viewpoint.

What people remember tells a lot about their lives.

Memory is attached to emotion -- if one of our emotional

feelings is involved we will remember far better. And it records

information attached to negative feelings, like for example

stress, anxiety and fear -- simply to have a good databank in

store to prevent us from having unpleasant experiences in the

future.

We remember only parts of past events, images, noises, etc. A

part in our brain then combines the different bits again to form

the whole memory picture. The parts that our brain re-

assembles depend on our actual state of mind. If it remembers

the mind recollects the elements considered as relevant and if

they don’t completely fit in, your mind will make them fit.

Did you ever give an information to somebody and then

while hearing the person repeat it after some time and

wonder why they get it all wrong and you don’t remember

ever having said half of it? The receiver of your message

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has retained what seemed of interest to them concerning

their proper life, and in their memory the rest will adapt

to their fears, desires or other pre-occupations.

Your information becomes literally part of another reality often

in such a way that it is barely recognisable.

But not only do we adapt the information we get from the

outside to our own reality, our minds also adapt the contents of

our own memory continuously. Each time an event is recalled it

is entirely rewritten in our memory. That is how we create our

own myths.

For example, when we feel depressed we have a hard time

remembering the joyful moments of our life, everything looks

grey and things only get worse -- that is the message, which our

mind will adapt to our memory. When we get out of our

destructive mood we suddenly remember the same events in a

much more positive light.

Somebody who severely lacks self-confidence will distinctly

remember that all their successes are actually because of the

help of others or out of chance -- their memory doesn’t allow

them to think of it as their own achievement.

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Our mind constructs its own prison because it will only allow

us to perceive, recollect and evaluate events in a sense that

corresponds to the state that it finds itself in.

The state of our mind varies according to our mood, and our

memory can vary with it.

What we take for objective truth -- our past experience, is just a

reflection of a part of what really happened, deformed by our

actual mood. Two people may have lived the same event and

have a corresponding perception -- one year later their recall

can show radical differences.

Since we usually aren’t aware of these manipulations of our

mind we are constantly cheating ourselves.

Isn’t there a way to stop our mind playing rollercoaster with

our mood?

b. How we perceive ourselves depends also on our moods:

Remember yourself looking in the mirror this morning.

While looking in the mirror you did not doubt that this

was you. You carried the mental image you have last seen

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in the mirror with you during the day . And somehow, it

will start to transform. According to your mood you might

substract five pounds from your silhouette, erase those

dark circles under your eye…or if you feel less confident-

you will add messy hair and some pounds….each look

into a mirror passing by will rectify this mental image

according to the mood you will be in.

Human beings are fascinated by their own reflection. Seat them

in a room with a mirrored wall and they will basically spend a

lot of their time looking at themselves. An image in a mirror

gives us an idea how we are on the outside, how others see us.

How we come over physically in the world of reality. At the

same time a mirror is a fascinating thing -- as if there was a

world behind it -- another reality. Narcissus fell in love with his

own reflection in the water -- a mirror sometimes feels like a

window to our soul. Our reflection is intimately linked to our

identity.

What if instead of looking into the mirror somebody would take

a photo -- does this change the way we look upon ourselves?

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Most people have already had the experience of picking

up a photo of themselves and only realising that they are

represented on second and third glance. At first sight the

person on the picture looks like somebody else, or

something else.

Our image in the mirror is a reflection and that in itself has a

magical quality for our mind.

The photograph goes beyond that, it somehow has an existence

of its own. Our image in the mirror disappears as soon as we

walk away and we learn from experience that there is nothing

behind the mirror -- still mirror images are good for jokes

(there is a famous scene of the Marx brothers involving an

imagined mirror) or for fantasy tales (Alice in wonderland or

Snow White and the seven dwarfs). The photo seems much less

magical in our technological world. But if you think about it for

a moment you will see that its psychological impact on us is far

greater: It can be a thousand miles away from us, on the table

of a stranger -- it is us and isn’t at the same time, because we

are not there but here. It is a part of us and still isn’t us.

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In J K Rowling’s Harry Potter books, photos have a life

of their own -- they can talk and move around in another

world.

A lot of traditional Muslims don’t like to take

photographs of other people. You have to breathe life into

each represented person on the photo on the Day of

Judgement, is their saying.

We keep pictures of our loved ones close -- that way they are

with us. We look at pictures of people that have died --

somehow through the picture they are still a bit alive. The

‘magical’ quality we attribute to pictures is far greater than that

of reflections in a mirror. When I use the word ‘magic’ here I

mean something that the rational brain can explain but that has

an impact on our emotions that we can hardly control.

Apparently this feeling is anchored in our subconscious: a

picture is an independent part of us, something magical we

cannot quite handle. It has an existence of its own. And because

of that we are able to look at ourselves with the eyes of a

stranger we can observe a picture of us as if it were somebody

else. This is much easier than when we stand in front of our

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mirror where every movement confirms our control and

identity with the reflection.

We can have the eye of a stranger, this distance with ourselves

because the photograph exists in itself. It has crossed the line

from being a mainly mental picture (reflection in the mirror)

into the real existence. It has been born into the world of

reality.

And another element distinguishes the reflection in the mirror

from the picture -- the picture is permanent. I am talking about

printed photos here not about photos on your computer -- that is

an important hybrid because a picture on your computer can be

called on the screen and ‘disappear’ it can be altered, destroyed

by the click of a mouse -- it is more than a mirror image but

less than the printed version for our psychological feeling. The

material version of the picture is around for a while. It can be

burned or be thrown away but this is a very different act from

suppressing a couple of pixels from your computer.

I’m using the metaphors of photographs and mirror reflections

to illustrate the relationship between your thoughts in your

mind or spoken and your thoughts on paper.

While thoughts turn around in our heads, they can change

according to our mood and memory just like the reflection in

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the mirror. And with time, memory of our thoughts transforms

itself -- we don’t remember the truth about what we thought

weeks, months or years ago.

When we write our thoughts down we force our thoughts across

the birth line into reality. They get a life of their own -- just like

a photo of us.

Actually what happens in our heads when we have written our

thoughts down? We relive our emotional experience but we

link it with an analysis edge -- we have to find the words to put

our emotions into phrases; and not only into phrases as if

spoken but into phrases that have to live on paper. That makes

us think how to express. Already this is a creative act -- our

feelings then not only exist in our limbic system but on paper.

They have gained a right to exist just because they exist apart

from our body. A lot of my clients have experienced that the

simple act of writing down a problem has solved it.

Research shows that the capacity to master emotions depends

on the ability to put them into words (Cerveau et Psycho, no 20,

mars- avril 2007 p. 6 Le vocabulaire accroit la matière grise)

This sounds simple and evident -- still it is harder than you

think. Apart from keeping track of your biography in a diary,

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your mind will not like to be caught and nailed. You will find a

million reasons why some thoughts better stay in your head, be

warned. At this point let me just make the following

statements:

Writing makes your thoughts real

Writing makes your feelings words

Writing creates order in your mind

Writing is facing the truth about your thoughts

Writing enables you to look at your thoughts as if it were

somebody else’s.

Writing helps you to connect.

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6. Free the flow in between the levels or reality,

possibilities and harmony

Taking up the task to give birth to your mental world of

possibilities needs some preparation:

Let us look at the material requirements:

a. Get a booklet

Most of us are used to producing writing on paper -- we

create shopping lists, to do lists, put phone numbers on

scraps of paper, take notes like we learned in school,

write minutes of meetings…All of these papers usually

land in a large box- to class- and are never looked again.

If we’re old fashioned (or modern?) we write letters, otherwise

there is a big chance that we chat over the net, blog or write e-

mails (that is a hybrid between the level of reality and the world

of possibilities -- who hasn’t been tempted to make the

hundreds of mails that clog his mailbox disappear with one

click of a mouse -- click, undone!) The technological age didn’t

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make writing disappear, on the contrary -- the chances are that

we write much more than our grandparents did.

In this flood of real and virtual paper, we have a hard time

finding information. How many times has google desktop

saved me hours of search for a lost document on my computer

that I knew existed?

One client of mine when it came to making dates for our next

meetings actually produced 10 different scraps of paper with

information on from her handbag. My personal experience -- at

last concerning the material world is that paper needs to be

linked together in order to be found

Have you ever sat in front of a bunch of paper trying to

make sense of a chronological order when there are no

numbers of pages or dates? (not to talk about the fact that

the one you’re looking for inexplicably seems to be

missing) .

In order to avoid material confusion that will add to your

mental confusion I strongly recommend one of those little

booklets found in paper stores and used in former times to learn

the vocabulary of foreign languages. Make it small enough to

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carry it around and big enough not to feel like a miniature

writer. I work with a 11x17 cm specimen- anything around that

should be comfortable enough. A booklet with spirals is less

easy to handle and more bulky than the bound versions.

Your daily writings should figure in chronological order and

you should be able to reread yourself. It’s for that reason that a

bound booklet is to be preferred to loose paper or to attached

paper. Anything that enables you to alter, destroy or loose what

you have written should be avoided.

Try not to write with a pencil but choose a smooth pen with a

fine writing ( if your booklet is quite small you will be more

comfortable with a fine line of writing) I personally prefer to

have paper with lines but if you want to also draw in your

booklet you might prefer blank pages.

Small booklets usually can be found in a lot of paper stores or

department stores. If you have trouble finding them -- buy more

than one once you managed. A client of mine always had a

couple in stock because she was so afraid to ‘run out’.

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b. Keep the booklet constantly with you

You should be able to write at any moment- it is therefore

important to have writing material and a pen handy.

Ideally, you manage to find a wrapping that carries your

writing material too -- that way you always have all that you

need handy. Search in paper and pen stores, they carry a variety

of booklet covers and some have pen holders integrated.

Concerning PDAs or computers: Some of my clients put

forward that they use their PDA for all notes and for their

diary….Although I’m an enthusiastic user of all kinds of

electronic devices, I’d advice against it.

You’re looking for the psychological effect of ‘birth’ in the real

world and electronic writings are a dangerous hybrid that our

brains considers ‘virtual’. You will not express yourself on

paper like you express on a computer and the idea to erase or to

modify is all too tempting. At least I’d strongly advice to start

out with paper -- at least for a month. Once you get into the

routine you can try to switch to your computer or PDA if you

wish, but only if this device is as available and handy as a

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booklet at all times. Having experienced the difference,

examine if writing on an electronic device really does the same

for you.

c. Start by all means

As in many situations the most difficult is the start. How often

have I forced my clients to open their new booklet that was

ready but unused in our working sessions and to write their first

phrase!

If you want something significant to figure on the first page,

like a poem or a significant phrase that is important to you, just

leave the first page blank and add it later.

A good way to take possession of your booklet can also be to

write your name and address into it, or to decorate the first page

with images or stickers, like children do with their school

books. Don’t think that as an adult this is beyond you, it will

make it more familiar.

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d. Keep writing every day

You can write at any moment. If you carry your booklet with

you, you will have access to it all the time -- when you’re

frustrated, angry, furious, sad -- out with it and write from your

soul -- if you need privacy -- don’t hesitate to go to the toilet.

Use your booklet whenever you feel like bringing out an

emotion.

In order to get a certain routine in writing I often suggest to fix

a specific time of the day and to reserve half an hour. That

takes care of regularity and self-discipline. Some day you will

be more inspired, some days less -- it doesn’t matter, just keep

going and create a routine.

Open the page where you want to start writing, put the day and

the date on top and listen to your inner voice. ……..Try to

exterminate all outside disturbances -- people talking to you,

noise, radio -- the only sound you want to hear is the little voice

from the inside.

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Ideally, choose a specific time for writing. I always get up half

an hour earlier sit comfortably with a coffee in my bed and start

to write for half an hour.

Just write down what comes to mind, whatever! If it is a

shopping list -- write it down. If it is what you’ve just said or

heard -- write it down.

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7. Basic rules to writing:

There is absolutely no limit to what you can write -- there are

just some rules to respect:

Rule No. 1: You write for yourself

Never be guided by thoughts about what another potential

reader will think of you. You are the only reader. This is not a

blog, not a letter, not a diary. You’re not writing for posterity,

you are writing to learn how to master yourself.

Rule No 2: Write about your feelings, not about facts

I don’t ask you to write a diary although I advise you to always

put the day and the date on your entries. This booklet is not

there to help you recall later what happened when. It is there to

recall your state of mind at a given time.

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Concentrate less on what is going on in your world of reality

and more on what happens in your world of possibilities. Write

about how you feel about it rather than what is happening.

Write more about your regrets, fears, hopes, and happiness; less

about your achievements, promotions, failures etc.

Rule No 3: No aesthetics

Don’t care about grammar or style. Since you’re the only

reader it doesn’t matter if your writing is literary or simply

puerile. It doesn’t matter if it is organised, well expressed or

chaotic. And it doesn’t matter if it’s written coherently or not or

in which language. Don’t worry about all of that. Write it down

just like it crosses your mind.

Rule No 4: Don’t give your book out of hand

You don’t have to tell anybody about its existence. If you want

to share, read what you’ve written, do this out of free will and

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read passages. Never feel obliged to unveil any of your

writings. You have right to privacy. If you feel disturbed by the

thought that somebody else might read it use all kinds of

disguises -- I’m not asking you to write like Leonardo , but you

can write in your worst handwriting (be careful though -- you

yourself should be able to re-read) you can write in several

languages, you can use abbreviations when you talk about

people… But don’t convince yourself that the fear of being

read justifies not writing!

Rule No. 5: Write at any time you feel tense.

Isolate yourself at the first possible moment, get your booklet

out and write what you feel. This will help you to calm down

and deal with your anxiety.

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8. Directing the conscious stream of the unconscious

into words

Let me come back to the necessity to express your feelings

Each event leaves an impulse in our mind, like a photo.

This impulse has two components, one is a factual component

(your own private photo) the other concerns the feelings you

had during the event.

The impulse isn't necessarily a true image of the event, like a

photo taken by a photographer it will enhance a certain aspect

and thus look different according to the observer.

Typically, the impulse is stored in the meanders of our

neurones next to similar impulses -- depending on what is

important in our inner associative system. The personal

associative network in our mind is probably set up in the first

years of life. The new imprint forms a connection with other

imprints carrying similar information -- factual or emotional.

Thus an emotion can recall events that triggered a similar

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emotion and a search for facts can retrieve similar facts. But

when we think about memory, most of the time we think about

facts.

Try to remember your childhood -- most memories during

that time are linked to sensorial inputs -- smells, tastes,

colours, shapes, sounds...

Once we are able to voice and name events and to link them to

a context the classification switches to situation/environment/

chain of action. But the feeling of a situation stays like

something undefined that we often call 'atmosphere' and that

links the complex analytical information to the subconsciously

perceived sensorial information of our childhood.

We can change the way we analyze events, that is part of

growing up. But the atmosphere that surrounds the event

influences the internal imprint that will be left in our memory,

which is much less subject to conscious influence. That is why

dealing with feelings triggered by events is as important as

analysing its impacts and outreach.

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Typically we value the analysing part very much as noble,

intellectual activity and discard the subjective, underlying

atmosphere that is linked to our feelings. This is the part that

will lead us to the bottom of our problems. Being as we are, we

consist entirely of subjective processes in our brain. Our

feelings towards past events constitute our behaviour towards

similar events or rather toward situations we believe to be

similar. We have our own agenda constituted by past

experience and this creates our own mental prison.

On one hand, accepting this means facing your own limits and

maybe failures in perfection but it enables you to perceive your

own functioning and as such is a path towards inner harmony.

The more you will find it hard to express your feelings on

paper, the more this is probably an issue for yourself that has its

impact on your subconscious. Expressing feelings isn’t difficult

-- you don’t have to write in poetry.

If you are angry, you just write: I am angry, because…..

Just say it as it is, nothing more, nothing less.

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In our little book we will therefore pay close attention to the

atmosphere we perceive in a situation and to our feelings. We

will observe ourselves.

Instead of writing what has happened we write how we feel

about what happened.

It will take some time until you will write easily. Don’t be

discouraged if you have no ideas at all. You can even write that

down:

‘Today I have no ideas at all and somehow this unnerves

me. Anyway I don’t know if this will be of any use….Am I

not wasting my time here? I have so many things to do:

for example I’ve to…......’

A lot of people are more comfortable keeping their thoughts

and emotions in their mind or they will prefer to talk to

somebody.

According to our personality we will prefer to ponder on

consequences and actions ourselves or we will refer to outside

sources to check upon consequences and actions -- we prefer to

have the reactions and advices of others.

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Speaking about emotions is still another thing than sharing

thoughts. Typically women are more comfortable with it than

men. A lot of men feel that revealing emotions is revealing a

weakness and giving the other a competitive advantage.

Chances are that the more difficulties you have to talk about

your feelings the more those feelings will find another exit --

from sleeplessness to allergies, disease etc. Learning to put

your feelings into words will be a real exercise for you. Writing

them down just for yourself protects your privacy and the fear

of sharing. It may even allow you to learn how to express them.

When you talk a lot with friends about your feelings you risk

becoming a kind of judge or a victim -- depending on your

feelings you will try to get allies who comfort you in your state,

who will confirm that you feel rightly upset about something or

who will pity you as a victim. Both are a social mechanism but

doesn’t help you much to get on with managing your moods.

On the contrary, chances are that you choose people to confide

in of whom you know that they share your opinions or go in

your sense. That can give way to a tendency to tunnel vision

and increase your feelings out of proportion. A small matter

can thus become a huge problem. The more your confiding is

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something exciting for your listeners the more you will feel

urged to rest in your attitude since it will keep you in a centre

of attention. A personal problem can this way become a

problem involving a whole community or clan because it

becomes a means of identification. Writing your feelings down

will help you to calm down and get a bit of distance before

confiding them to somebody else. It will also help you to

choose the words that describe well how you feel and to

express yourself not too overwhelmingly.

Talking to somebody about our feelings is different from

writing.

Try to remember the last important talk you have had

with somebody. You will probably be able to recall your

principal arguments about what was important and the

general reaction of the other side… but do you remember

every word? Maybe there were important parts that you

didn’t notice as important and therefore didn’t store in

your memory.

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But today, there are other parts that have grown in

importance and suddenly you remember those much more

clearly than the rest that has been said.

Did you ever have somebody being mad at you for

something you supposedly said and you don’t have a clue

what they were talking about? Obviously it wasn’t

important to you but it touched a sensitive point in the

other and its importance grew in time and now that is

about the only thing they remember.

Family feuds and important conflicts can be constructed on

selective and transformative memories that are solidified in the

shape of a myth -- in the end nobody knows the real story

anymore.

The same thing happens when we ponder in thought, the more

days go by, the more our memory about past reflections

transforms: certain aspects are enhanced, others are diminished.

Small events are being blown up according to what fits into our

actual state of mind.

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If I am convinced that my colleague is stupid I will clearly

remember all his mistakes and when he made a fool of

himself, but somehow the events where he helped me on a

file or where he had a vital information to give are

reduced to minor hazards in my memory.

Speech and thought are unreliable sources for generating

accurate memories -- that is why some cultures prefer the

written word. We live in a world based on facts so we will look

out and interpret information as facts. Our own writing is a

reliable source for us -- we cannot deny its credibility. Instead

of brooding on our evaluations of information, actions to take

and on our emotions, we can write them down. When we write

them down, we can look at them -- today, tomorrow, in a

month. Our attitude may have changed then, but our mind can’t

cheat us: we have proof of our thought. We create an outside

memory of our inner states of mind.

Once you have mastered the process of observing your

thoughts and feelings and writing them down regularly you can

try to direct your reflection. Though, I insist that the important

work advocated in this book isn’t as much to focus as to free

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the flow. If you feel more comfortable just letting your mind

run free, please continue.

You can use more focused writing in two ways -- when you

have absolutely no idea one day or when you feel that directing

your thoughts would add value to your reflections. I would

always suggest you leave some time open for free flows of

thought. Start for example with 15 minutes of listening to your

inner voice and then spend the rest of the time more focused.

Some people use an inspiring text to focus on. First read a part

of your text and then write down all thoughts that come to your

mind.

Or you can ask yourself questions according to your state of

mind and the time of the day. For example in the morning your

questions could be:

What did I dream of?

When you feel sad or low -- Is there something bothering

me about today, about what I have to do?

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When you felt bad and stressed the day before: What

exactly bothered me about the day yesterday, what made

the day so unpleasant?

When you have a problem with somebody: what do I want

to say to this person? Write it down as if you wrote a

letter.

When you feel restless- What are the goals I want to

reach?

When you feel overwhelmed by tasks -- What should I do

today and what do I need to do in the days to come?

Discussing emotions, burning topics, conflicts and values with

yourself takes courage.

Deep inside we are all convinced of our inadequacy and

desperately try to hide it from ourselves and others.

Looking into our mechanisms we are afraid to discover

somebody average and boring that we don’t want to be. Our

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mind spends a lot of time on building up and keeping up our

self esteem and will consider introspection as a danger.

Introspection can indeed be a danger if you are not prepared to

face yourself. In case of doubt, search for professional help that

can accompany you in this quest.

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9. Get a Meta-view- becoming aware of your moods

After you have written regularly for about two weeks start to

re-read yourself. Go to the first page and read through all you

have written. Don’t hesitate to read several times. And then on

your current post write down how you feel about your writing ,

what you see, if it makes you realise something…Just write all

the thoughts that cross your mind down.

As you leaf forward through the pages, you will notice changes

of mood, changes in the things that preoccupy you, that make

you happy, sad, angry, afraid. And you will notice that although

at that moment your state of mind was pretty desperate, a few

weeks later the topic might have disappeared altogether!

We experience the moment as universal but compared to our

whole life it is very relative. To realise that gives you a certain

distance to your states of mind. Chances are that you will be as

preoccupied as before by an event, but your inner silent

observer will be able to suggest to you that this is a passing

moment.

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You know yourself best -- it is up to you to decide how far you

want to explore your own events and reasoning. You might

discover that it is always the same things that make you feel

anxious or sad or on the contrary happy and content. Don’t

hesitate to write down your observations. This will help you to

know yourself better and to better monitor yourself. And you

will understand the tricks your mind tries to play on you.

Do this regularly- I would recommend about every 1-2 weeks.

And then if this exercise has become regular take a moment,

every 6 months or so to go back. It is especially interesting to

reread yourself at some years distance. Don’t limit your

rereading exercise -- regularly pick up former readings and

reread them, you will probably discover something new about

yourself every time you do this.

You don’t have to reread all that you have written in six months

or in years, just leaf through it like you would leaf through an

interesting book. Again please, write down your meta view on

your own writing:

How do you like it?

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Do you remember how you felt then?

How do you feel now?

What is different today?

Do you notice any waves of mood?

Ups and downs repeating?

Anything you see that will influence those moods?

Again write all of your observations down. This will help you

to keep track of your observations and to develop a Meta view.

I often note ideas in my daily entries so when I’m working

on a specific topic I tend to go through quite a lot of text

to find the connecting ideas again. To better find them I

now mark an ‘idea’ in red above with the three point pen

I use.

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You will notice gradually with time that in writing and

especially in rereading yourself you will get a better

appreciation of your own thoughts.

All of my clients told me that they had been amazed at how

profound and interesting their thought processes turned out to

be whereas in the beginning they felt that they didn’t have

much to say.

At the same time you will be able to recognise the moods you

are in, what influences them and how to transform them.

The whole process isn’t a new invention and isn’t complicated

at all.

When I first started out to use it with some clients I was

amazed at the good results -- my clients emerged from

depression, managed to motivate themselves, gained in

clarity, started to make decisions …. Then I started to ask

myself what actually was happening in their brains, why

such a simple action had such an effect.

What happens in our head when we read past writings? When

we reread a text that we have produced ourselves we are not in

the same state as when we wrote it.

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Everybody has probably had the experience in their

lifetime to have produced some writing on some topic and

thought it brilliant in the evening while going to bed only

to find when rereading it in the morning that by some

miracle all the shine had worn off during the night and

that the text would need serious working over. Sometimes

it can be the contrary -- we start out with a note that is

intended to be worked upon and when we reread it we

find nothing better to say- it is perfect!

Remember, our evaluation of an event depends on the feelings

we attach to the event, similar when we feel that we are

Shakespeare we are in an excited and elated state of mind that

limits our judgement and vision. When we reread our text our

excitement has worn off, our emotional state of mind is

different and we can have a more detached look. Imagine you’d

have thought those Shakespearean lines but you hadn’t written

them down. The chances are that you don’t remember the

details the next morning but you recall that your lines were

close to genius. You will then create your own myth because

you never gave yourself the chance to take a distant look.

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The same happens of course with negative thoughts -- we think

that we’re absolutely incapable of conveying valid thoughts,

that what we spoke of last night in the conversation was all

crap. Had we written down all we had talked about we would

have probably found that there was quite a lot that made sense

nevertheless. If you only have your memory to rely on it will

reinforce according to its own actual mental state -- if you lack

confidence it will tell you that you gave proof of being a jerk

once again, if you’re optimistic and confident you will have

convinced yourself in the morning that it wasn’t that bad, your

comments actually had been brilliant and that your evening

guests had been dull.

Remember, the mind rewrites every experience while we

rethink it. When we actually write down our thoughts, we give

our memory a helping hand it will immediately start to readapt

its contents to our own reality and our lived moment will

become part of our personal myth of life.

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When you write down what happened and how you felt about it

you are keeping track of your subjective reality of a specific

moment.

In rereading yourself you can follow that past trace but your

reality at the moment of reading will be different. You can look

at your text with a meta view. You can even look at it as if it

had been written by somebody else (a bit like the photo of us)

In rereading your text you reactivate the memory of what

happened when you wrote it. Your memory carries a fact

element and an emotional element that are linked. While you

reread the emotional element transforms as your emotional

situation isn’t that same as when you were writing.

The memory gets re-inscribed with a modified emotional

context. We see the emotional environment and how it has

impacted us at a given moment -- hence we ‘rewrite’ the event

in a much more distant way -- we de-dramatise. Events we

manage to de-dramatise won’t hound us in the same way as

they would have attached to the negative feelings they were

linked with in our memory. Talking about past events can

trigger the same effect but usually it is somebody asking the

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right questions that will set things into another perspective and

thus rewrite the information differently in your memory. When

you do it on paper you can be that person yourself.

According to some Neuroscientists, this is why psychoanalysis

works -- because a traumatic experience is rewritten with a

different, more distant emotional context.

When we write down our appreciation of the part we are

rereading we are reinforcing this modification. We get a

distance to our own mental anxieties and at the same time we

get to know and are able to monitor ourselves better.

Probably, there is also another mental process involved:

When we observe somebody doing something in our brain

there are the same regions activated as in the brain of the actor,

only an additional part activated in the frontal lobe makes the

distinction of you being the observer. Neuro-scientists presume

that this is at the root of empathy -- our capacity to feel for the

Other. When we look at our past writings with a time distance

we probably activate the memory but we also can look at it as if

it were written by somebody else, we become our own Other.

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This Other inside of us gives us the attention, the

acknowledgement and the recognition of our mental states we

usually claim from our surroundings and which we need for the

confirmation of our self-worth and our identity. Our identity,

our feeling of being one whole person, our continuity as an

individual that changes but stays the same, our need for

coherence with our values and actions are our anchors in a

changing world.

In rereading ourselves we are able to find our source of self-

esteem the love of ourselves within. This creates a stability that

can face changes and uncertainty and that can ground us.

And-who knows some day you might even think about sharing

parts of your writings. You can use your little booklet as a

support with your analyst. You can read a passage to a friend.

You can even think about publishing extracts to a blog, a letter

or a book.

Sharing makes the Other understand you better. Sometimes the

other can see elements in your writings that you yourself cannot

see. All of this will help you to develop yourself.

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Just remember one thing -- you are not writing to be read! It is

of capital importance that you concentrate in your writing on

your inner voice, not on the communicative effect that the

writing might have on a potential reader. The communication

stream is linking your world of reality with your world of

potential and your world of harmony -- nothing else.

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10. Obstacles or why you will be sure that you can

live without this

I know that so far my method sounds easy but it isn’t. The

biggest problem of this approach isn’t its complexity or the

time it takes, the biggest obstacle is your own mind.

Your own thinking device is the most logical instrument you

possess, its logic might not seem so on the outside -- your

friends may call you the most illogical person on earth. Be

assured, your mind has a rational explanation for the self and

for the actions and omissions it generates. Any bad guy that

ever lived had a perfectly logical explanation for himself why

he needed to act the way he did. Even mentally ill people who

can have a behaviour that doesn’t follow the commonly

accepted logic of society have their own logic. Sometimes we

are aware of that logic, sometimes our mental logic plays in the

background in our subconscious.

I’m sure you don’t like to be limited in your movements, or

being told or, heaven forbid, forced by somebody to do

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something. Well, our minds don’t like that either. Being a

notorious liar (but reality has always been something relative

on mental levels) your mind doesn’t like the idea to be caught

at its own game. Instead it wants to continue to play games

with you and rollercoaster with your feelings.

This functioning was probably something very useful in

the Stone Age as it brought about social cohesion and

unity of opinions – it made our ancestors adapt their

points of view those of their group and allowed a certain

flexibility when global changes needed to happen in

forgetting previous states.

Your mind is a very cunning organ too, it will therefore invent

all kinds of ‘logical’ reasons why you don’t need to go through

this approach.

I’ve heard a lot in my practice:

I didn’t have the time to go to buy a booklet

At the paper-shop there was no booklet

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I don’t use paper anymore

I note everything on my handheld

I write on my computer

I’m a simple person

I don’t have anything interesting to say

I have a rotten hand-writing

I don’t have a good writing style

I make a lot of mistakes

I don’t have deep thoughts

I won’t know what to write

What if somebody finds my booklet and reads it

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I’m afraid that somebody will take it and read it

I want to start with something deep and meaningful and

am waiting for an inspiration

I got a booklet and yes I’ll start sometime

I’ve got all of my thoughts clear in my head

Etc. It is incredible how creative the mind can be in looking for

convincing arguments.

Another way for the mind to get by is to take up the method but

use it either in writing down daily events in a diary style or

writing down problems and analysis and possible solutions in

to stay clear from feelings.

In both cases clients tend to come up to me and say that their

booklet was useful in a sense but it didn’t help them to sleep

better or to get rid of their anxiety.

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A common strategy of the mind is to simply forget the

unpleasant -- somehow there never seems to be time for

writing; You’ve planned to do it in the morning but the first day

you didn’t hear the alarm clock and the second day you had this

very early morning flight, so that there was really no time to get

into a routine….

The more I age the more I notice that I have to discipline

myself if I want to get things done. Some people are over

achievers and do everything they have planned. I am

more of a rebel- I hate being obliged to do something. I

have learned that I need a mental kick in the butt to get

going and that I have to kick myself. A good way for me

not to have to convince myself every day is to set up a

routine.

My routine involves a huge cup of milk coffee, a

comfortable cushion in my back and half an hour of

silence around – when I’m abroad I tend to look for

possibilities to feed my routine.

Everything depends on your type of personality. Knowing that

your mind will try to trick you into not using this approach,

what would be your best personal strategy to try it anyway?

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Tell your mind it will only be for a limited time- let’s say two

months. If afterward your mind can prove honestly that it

gained nothing, you’ll stop it. Make a deal with yourself!

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11. Conclusions

We have seen in the introduction that most of our feelings of

being submerged and our anxieties are based on increased

demands on our selves: We deal with more strangers, we suffer

from the lack of stability in our material world, we are forced to

optimize all aspects of our life, we have more incitation to be

jealous, we don’t know what to choose, we are afraid of

responsibility and we suffer from mental overload. Those

demands will not decrease in the future.

Strategies to optimise our output and actions will be sabotaged

by our subconscious and most of all in optimising we exclude

hazard, the hidden, the paradox, the coal that became a

diamond -- we only concentrate on the obvious.

When we can’t optimise anymore we tend to rationalise, we

throw out the ‘superfluous’ we concentrate on the essential and

risk it to narrow our perceptive window.

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What we take for importance; what is superfluous and what we

call optimum is determined by our own reality, often our own

culture. In a globalised world those tendencies can only

increase differences and misunderstandings, especially if

everybody takes his view on priorities as to the optimum, the

superfluous and the important for the absolute truth.

The individual produces his own world and groups of

individuals who interact often tend to produce resembling

realities. The more interactive distance there is in between

groups the more they challenge each others identities the more

there is the feeling of danger and insecurity.

The individual has to find an approach that helps him protect

his identity, his psychological stability and that enables him at

the same time to be flexible and open for the perceptible

change in society.

With the power of writing I hope to have delivered an approach

that manages just that:

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Treat the outside world not as it ‘is’ (for it never truly is as we

see it) but as we experience it and digest it in more ways than

one: on an emotional level and on a meta level.

In using daily writing down of experienced emotions in a little

booklet and rereading the written text you learn to master key

elements to self- management or inner leadership.

This method can be directed towards efficiency and action but

it can also be adapted to contemplation, observation and

analysis on several interdependent levels. As such it involves

the individual as a whole -- with its forces and weaknesses and

leads to self-acceptance and self-appreciation, not out of

‘doing’ but out of ‘being’.

Happy writing!

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I would be happy to receive the comments and hear of the

experiences of my readers so don’t hesitate to contact me at:

danieledelutzel@traceofhuman.com

or write to me at

Daniele de Lutzel

83, rue de Paris

F-92190 Meudon

France