I Never Thought… By: Ester Romanivko

Your Inner Beauty:

Beauty comes from within.

That pretty face will get old,

That amazing body will go away,

The only thing you’ll be left with

is your inner beauty.

Those sexy boys with rock hard abs will get old,

It will get harder to stunt while you walk,

The only thing

you’ll be left with is your inner beauty.

You’ll get jealous of younger women

and wish you were in their position again,

It will get harder to find a loving man,

The only thing you’ll be left with

is your inner beauty.

Once you realize how beautiful you are on the inside,

you will cherish your looks on the outside.

Don’t ever forget no matter how beautiful you look now,

once you get older,

the only thing you'll be left with is

your inner beauty.

I Am I am the girl who used to sell myself

to please someone else.

I am the nicest person you will meet,

But always getting fucked over.

I am so misunderstood

on why I do the things I do.

I am as loving as a puppy but if you push me

I’ll be as ferocious as a pit bull.

I am the realist 15 year old you ever heard of.

I am young on the outside,

but on the inside

I am as smart as your mother.

I am always fitted,

Even when I’m wearing my PJ’s.

I always get my money,

Regardless of the setbacks.

Selling my intelligence instead of my soul,

I am always moving forward

even when the past keeps pulling me back.

I am working on my ambitions and dreams,

Because I know I’ll make them come true.

I am doing the best I can

to become the best I can be.

I am forever trying to prove my conscience wrong

And do everything I say I do.

I am not perfect,

But I do keep trying to be perfect

In my own way.

I Wish

I wish that my mother never died. If she was still alive

my life wouldn't be as hard as it is. I wish my dad never was abusive.

If he never abused me I wouldn’t be living searching for love

From men who only use me.

I wish I was never hurt by so many females That were my so called best friends.

I wish I was never used by so many men That lowered my self esteem And make me feel like shit.

I wish I was never hurt by so many people, That made me lose my trust for humans.

I wish that animals could talk Because they are the only ones that listen.

I wish Dolla was still alive,

Because he’s the only rapper that I can relate to. I wish this world had more real people,

Because all the fake people make the world so full of drama.

I wish I will one day see my siblings succeed, And don't end up feeling the same pain I felt.

I wish one day I can set a good example to my siblings, And be the best role model they have.

I Can’t Trust No one

I can never trust any females, I can never trust any males,

Females all they do is stab you in the back, And all males want is the money in your pockets

Or the precious jewel between my legs.

I will never sell myself short again. I'm gonna make people work hard to earn my trust.

The females will have to prove themselves trustworthy, Males will have to do more than impress me, They will need to do everything they know

to make me happy And fall in love with them.

I can’t even trust my family.

They don't accept me for who I am, Even though they love me,

They don't know that I changed Since the day I started running the streets.

It’s just me against the world.

I can’t trust no one, I can’t rely on anyone to be there for me

when I need them. I was there for myself from the start And I will be by myself till the end, People cause too much problems,

But money will never disappoint you.

I Never Thought

I never thought I would turn out to be who I am today: A girl who’s past is filled with pain and confusion.

I never thought my mother would die Because of a disease that caused a tumor from the place where she used to feed me

when I was first born.

I never thought I would grow up Not knowing what a normal family is.

I never thought I would run away from home, And selfishly leave my brothers and sisters

to fend for themselves. I never thought I would get pregnant at 13 years old

By someone who didn't want to become a father And punched me in the stomach

because he didn't want to grow up and be a man.

I never thought I would experience the thing called pimping that I thought was love.

I never thought I would have a shotgun put in my mouth And have a close encounter to death at 14.

I never thought the girls that I called my sisters Would go behind my back and call me bitches.

I never thought of the hurt I caused to all the people

who knew I was worth more than cash. I never thought I would sleep outside in the winter

With a tiny sweater on. I never thought I would go to something called Juvie,

And experience being a criminal.

I never thought I would get raped By such a nice man who turned out so cold.

I never thought I would end up robbing people, To satisfy the guy who

so called cared about me. I never thought I would do

the things that I did.

When You’re A Child…

When you’re a child the only sickness you know is

chicken pox and a cold.

When you grow up chicken pox turns into herpes

and a cold turns into AIDS.

When you’re a child the only high you know is

swinging high on a swing.

When you grow up the high you used to know

turns into a blunt and a crack pipe.

When you’re a child being good

means listening to mom and dad,

When you grow up

being good means not going to jail.

When you’re a child having a boyfriend means

holding hands and flying balloons,

When you grow up having a boyfriend

means sex and drama.

When you're child an accident means accidently

not going to the bathroom fast enough,

When you grow up an accident means a car crash

that involves loss of money

and getting hurt.

When you’re a child,

money is monopoly's colorful money,

When you grow up money is

paying bills and the worry of debt.

When you’re a child you think

the world is a fairytale,

When you grow up

the fairytale turns into a scary movie.

In some ways,

I’m still like a child because

I am only 15 years old,

And I like to have fun like my baby sister.

In other ways, childhood is gone

I had to grow up too fast,

And my childhood slipped right through my fingers like water.

To The People From My Past

To the people that hurt me, And said I wont ever be shit,

I’ll prove you wrong And show you I’m better than you thought I was.

To the men that broke my heart,

I will show you that I overcame your heartless actions And I have better things to strive for rather than

to worry about someone who doesn't care about me back. To the bitches that stabbed me in the back,

I’m not like you and will never be.

To my mother that was always there for me, I will always love you and will always look up to you.

To my father who abused me and called me a disgrace, I am still your daughter but I am not a disgrace

just because of the things I done. To my siblings that were left alone at home when I left,

I am sorry and I love you all, From now on I’ll put your lovely faces

before any so called friends.

To the haters who talked shit about me all day Calling me a hoe and shit, I only did what I had to do

when I had to survive the streets and didn't know better. Now I am smarter and see that there is more to life

than turning tricks and trusting worthless punks

that take my money and call it love. To the girls that are in my old shoes,

You have so much potential and You are worth more than a few hundred dollars.

Sasha

When I first got Sasha she was scared

as a newborn calf that was taken away from its mother.

I told her everything would be okay

and she was going to love it at her new home,

But she didn't listen and kept whining.

I felt sorry for her.

I knew she was missing her old owner,

But that didn't stop me

from trying to make her feel happy.

When I gave her her first meal

She looked up at me with those big, brown, chocolate eyes

as if to say “hey, your not that bad!”

That night she curled up next to me

like I was the mother that gave birth to her,

And fell asleep as fast as the speed of light.

The next day she was so joyful

that it was like she never left her old owner.

We bonded instantly.

I knew that it was the start

of a great friendship between human and animal,

Although she was more of a toddler than a dog.

She was as protective as a wolf with puppies,

She was as loving as a lamb,

And she was closer to me than anyone else.

The night I got arrested,

I cried,

Not because I was scared of what was going to happen to me,

But of what was going to happen to her.

I prayed and hoped that wherever she went,

She stayed safe and wasn't used for fighting.

Maybe one day we’ll see each other again,

But if not,

I will always have her in my heart.

2012 Ester Romanivko

2012 Ester Romanivko

Go-Getter.

I used to be a fast life liver The boys used to say wassup with her.

I was a big money maker Like I was a banker.

Counting all that cash at the end of the night, Made me think I was the shit.

The hundreds that used to come in was nothing Compared to the pain that I felt.

I was known as a go-getter,

You send me out there and I go get it. I thought he was there to protect me, But instead he was at the strip club,

Spending the money that I sold myself for. I used to think “What kind of shit is this?”

There were fights,

There were arguments, And there were lies.

I thought it was normal. When I came to the Bridge,

They told me that it was called manipulation. I was sold dreams,

I was sold everything so that I would stay, And be a cash machine.

There were pro’s and cons.

I guess the cons outweighed the pros, Since I’m still at the Bridge Not selling myself anymore

Going to school And working at a real job.

I guess this is the square life now, But I’ll will always have my knowledge from the streets,

And the pain that came along with it. Although this life is different from what I’m used to,

I am still a go getter.

The Block

First rule that was the most important That I learned from the streets

Is keep your gums shut. If you run your mouth

Then your getting the business. Never let anyone punk you,

You cant be a bitch and be out on the streets. That’s like being a firefighter and not knowing about fire.

Everyone was out hustling on the block,

Trying to get their money up. People will rob, shoot, and sell anything to get some change.

The women was out hoeing for their pimps. The men was either pimping or slanging. The fiends was always looking for a fix.

I was running out the trick’s houses

with the money in my hand, Always ready to hand it over to him. He always had the burner in his hand

with the black gloves on Ready to shoot anyone who tried to punk us.

Whenever one of us got arrested

the other would have to go twice as hard to get the money. The money made you forgive

the game for its coldness. Eating at the finest places,

Driving around in cars that everyone wanted to be riding in.,

And wearing all the nicest clothes. The block was one of those places

that I will always have love for like an old hometown that I’m from but am never going back to

because that’s the place that made me who I am today.

The Beauty of the Horse.

One of the most beautiful animals on planet earth is the horse. I love riding horses and feeling like I’m flying.

I love talking to horses because all they do is listen, They don’t ever give you bad advice.

They just nuzzle your arms so they that can get petted. Horses never start rumors about you,

And they will be your best friend As long as you care for them and pet them.

Volunteering at Serenity Horse Rescue has taught me

how to build character by cleaning horse stalls, By working with the horse

Not only do you learn something about the horse, You also learn something

you never knew about yourself.

When I was younger I used to ride horses a lot, I even had a 3 year old before,

But I forget all about horses when I started running away.

Now being at the Bridge And finally getting a chance to work with horses again,

I realize how much I missed out on life While being out on the streets.

Working with horses again Made me think about life,

And that there is more to life than Getting money all day,

Hanging out with friends, And nice clothes.

Sometimes its nice to go outside, Work with a beautiful animal

And not have to worry about anything in the world. That’s the beauty of the horse,

Just being around them Calms me down and makes my day 100 times better.

About the Author:

Ester Romanivko

Ester heard about Zine from her Chemi-

cal Dependency Counselor who encour-

aged her to join Zine. Ester loves mak-

ing collages, writing different poems,

writing stories, and taking photographs.

She is looking forward to making her

own Zine, making new friends, learning

to write better poetry, and use her artis-

tic skills for making great artwork that

other people would appreciate.

Ester loves to listen to music, work

with animals, make money, and learn.