I am, I am not: Journey to self-discovery - By Nur Al-Alam

I AM monarch of all I survey;My right there is none to dispute;1

I obey no law, but mine2

I am what I have, I am what I possessI make my destiny, I build my world.This is my life, I run the way I like.I am the core of my beingMy universe runs with my command2

I made myself from one, two, three trillions of cellsI made my heart, my limbs, my eyes, my bones.I grew a beautiful pair of lenses to make my eyes.I see through them, I enjoy colourful flowers.

I am the dance-insane rhythmI dance on, with my own beat ...I do whatever my mind wants whenever..It is none, but me, I salute2.I am the ego; I love my ego-self.

I wanted to possess the earth and I got itI stockpiled the jewels of earth And I snatched them all from whomever I could

Seldom I am quiet, seldom restless and wild, I am the blood-youth … I am the invincible power of this universe2.I love showing off my glory, my greatness,I love to boast and brag.I love to tell my stories, only mineI have no time to hear anyone elseMy cup is always full.

I love my body, I love the make upsI am my own idol, I only worship me.

I love TV, media, face-book, twitterI love gossips, blogs, and chat-roomsI spend all day writing my view pointsI enjoy my world, my views.

But alas! I am not happy. I feel empty all the time.I have no peace. I cannot sleep in the night.I am worried that someone will steal my wealth.

I complain, compare, criticise whenever I canI condemn and show my contempt who ever I findI enjoy inciting wars amongst friendsI get pleasure in pain of my enemiesI trust no one but me, so everyone is my enemy.

I judge every one with my ideals,I want everyone to follow me. I am always right, so I keep debating,I have to win in all my arguments.

I am always possessed by my lust for name, fame and wealthI snatch the God's pride2.I have fear.I have fear of poverty, criticism, ill-health, old age.I have the fear of losing my loved onesI fear death.

I realized my heart is sick.So started to look for a green stick, In order for a cure of heart, erasing the glitchLike a new born sweetie, an un-stained core.

Travelled seven seas, anchored in many harbours. Found no arbours, no mithridate to cure my heart.

By mercy of God, I landed in the heartland of Hazarat Inayat Khan, Spend many months in the “sohbet” of seekers,Murshid blessed me in the dream.

Guided was I, to the Pilgrimage to the self.Inspired to understand, blackstone in Ka’aba to be the symbol of black spot in physical heart3.

Over the years, through many of my actions displeasing to God, I placed black spots in my heart, blinded heart’s eye,I was guided to start cleansing of my heart.

Guided to the verse “remember God - standing and sitting and lying down”4; “in the constant remembrance of God, hearts do find the peace”5.

I realized, I am not the EGO which Edges God Out6.I am at the centre, not at the edge of my being.

I felt, this is a journey from the periphery of my being to the centre,Towards my Heart – a horizontal journey, Then a vertical journey, from my Heart to God.

Now as I reached the centre, I find, I do not exist there anymore.

I am, I am not: Journey to self-discovery - By Nur Al-Alam

I am not my name, not my body, not my profession.I exist because “Allah’s Mercy encompasses everything”7, I exist because Allah exists,“Everything perishes except His face”.8

La Mawjuda El-al-Allah, nothing exists except Allah“He manifests Himself everyday in an every way”9

On the journey, I met RoseI asked her, your root vein flow through the earthHow do you make so beautiful colours and fragrance?

Rose tree said, “I am a subroutine10 of God’s Universal software” exactly same way, you are “the instruction of God”11

“I spread my arteries and veins between sand particles of the mother earthCollect minerals, then use the light of the sun, waves of the air, and the all pervading life in space,then I make the scent and colours for my petals”.

Then Rose told me, “You are a walking earth, You have red rivers flowing inside you through seven seas and five continents in you,You eat earthly minerals from grains, fruits and vegetables,But how do you make thoughts, voices, words and languages from nothing?You are a mystery to me, the way I am to you.” Finally, I came to the centre and found,I am not the one, but in the OneNot the whole, but in the Whole,In the archetype of Gabriel, Ar-ruh-al-Quddus12(the Holy Spirit).

I am not the puzzle, but a piece in the puzzle of the Universe, I make the puzzle complete,Without me, puzzle remains undone.

I am not the Pole, I am compass, I aligned to Ka’baThe axis from Earth aligned to the Universe.I am not what you see; I am what you do not see.13

I am not a human being having spiritual experience,But a spiritual being having human experience14

At the centre, I lose myself, I exist no more. But I can morph into anything.

I can become nothing and everything.I can shrink to dust; I can turn into tree,I feel the way tree feels, spread the roots into the earth, feed the bodyI think of the rabbit, and become the rabbit,Feel its whiskas, chew the grass,I can think of bird, and become the bird,Feel lighter and fly in the sky,Eat the insects and feel how it keeps itself aliveI no longer remain myself,I become anything and everything on the earth.

I am in the Zen garden, Full of Sun, Moon and Stars withAn Universe of all pervading lifeI am amazed; I got a place in that garden.

The invisible divine energy, that flows through everything, the power In the infinite time and space, That causes tidal waves, cause motion of UniverseI feel the PULL of that wave, in the pulses of my artery and vein15.

Journeying through the self, I find I am not the art, but the dot which makes the art,I am not the music, but one of the many notes which make the music,I am not the earth, but the speck of dust that makes the earth,I am not the candle or its wick, but the flame that brings the light,Candle burns itself to give the light,Same way, I burn my body calorie, to pass through the journey from cradle to grave,And give the light of life to this earth & the universe.

Guided to verse, “anything and everything That the Universe contained, Is busy in constant vibration of Zikar”16

At the centre, I feelI am not the ocean, but a drop in the ocean,I am not the solid mass of bone, flesh and bloodBut a vortex,17 doing the constant zikar around my heart.When I move, every cell movesI am in synch with every cellCircling on vortex-axis, in the core of my heart.I see it like the simultaneous reflectionsIn the three trillion mirrors,

I am, I am not: Journey to self-discovery - By Nur Al-Alam

one in each cell, showing movement of ZikarIt’s such a magic to watch.

At the centre of my being, I learntI am not the player, I am the instrument,I am the medium, God expresses Himself18

His ‘wujud’ and His ‘shuhud’19.But “nothing of us is as His likeness”.20

“God created Adam in His form”21

“He formed you, and made your forms beautiful”22

“The Real is with us wherever we are”23 O God, make me an instrument of Thy peace24

At the centre, I find, I am not the matter, as matter submits to gravity by force,But I submit to God willingly,“To Thee do we give willing surrender”25

Then guided to Pir Zia teaching: Making It Real26

Living at the centre with God consciousness isSomething requires lots of practice and perfections.Because all creatures dwell in constant change and taqallub (‘fluctuation’)27

The guidance is, When we reach the core, and say our prayersLet our ears, become aware“God hears through our ears”When we read verses, Let our voice speaks God’s wordsWe become aware “Thy voice which constantly cometh from within”28

By switching from “I am” to “I am not”We reach the station of “fana” – annihilation,Thus assimilate from “I-ness” to “One-ness”O Soul, say “Ueidhu nafsi bil-llah” (I surrender my nafs-ego to Allah).

It is slaying by the strength of its arm That it may become conscious of its own strength. Its self-deceptions are the essence of Life29;

After that you will feel, everything comes to you,is a gift of blessings from Allah, “Allah’s blessing is countless”30

Only thing you give is praise and love.After all, love is the glue that binds everything.

1 “The Solitude of Alexander Selkirk” – William Cowper,1875, London2“Bidrohi (The Rebel)”, Kazi Nazrul Islam, 1922, Bengal, http://banglamusic.com/artists/nazrul/nazrul_the_rebel.htm3 Citation of Hasan al-Basri by Margaret Smith, An Early Mystic of Bagdad, 1935, London: Sheldon Press4 Qur’an,4:103,” when you have finished your prayer, remember God - standing and sitting and lying down”5 Qur’an,13:28,”verily, in remembrance of God, hearts do find rest”6 Dr. Wayne Dyer, “Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling”, P-287 Qur’an, 7:156, “But My Mercy encompasses everything”8 Qur’an, 55:26; “everything that is thereon will perish”9 Qur’an, 55:29, “every day He manifests Himself in yet another way”.10 Subroutine – is a computer programming term which means “a set of instructions that performs a specific task for a main routine or large universal programme”11 Qur’an, 17:85, “Say, Soul is an instruction from my Lord”12 Qur’an, 2:87, “We vouchsafed unto Jesus, the son of Mary, all evidence of the truth, and strengthened him with Holy Spirit”13 Masnavi, 1250, Mawlana Jalaluddin Rumi “Everything in world of seen has a root in the world of unseen”14 "The Phenomenon of Man" 1955, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.15 Paraphrased from song “Akash Vora Surya Tara”, Rabindranath Tagore16 Qur’an verse, 17:44, “There is not a single thing but extols His limitless glory and praise: but you (O human) fail to grasp the manner of their glorifying Him!”17 Vortex - A cloud of moving particles around axis, “That which Transpires behind that which appears” – Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, Omega publication, 199418 “No entity of any existent thing becomes manifest except through His self-disclosure”, Self-Disclosure of God , W. Chittick,P-15, Ibn Arabi19 ‘wujud’ means ‘existence’ and ‘shuhud’ means ‘witnessing’20 Qur’an verse, 42:11, “there is nothing like unto Him”21 Sahih Al-Bukhari, Kitab Al-Isti’than, 1; Muslim, Kitab Al-Birr 11522 Qur’an verse, 40:64, 64:323 Qur’an verse, 57:424 Saint Francis of Assisi prayer25 Saum - Hazrat Inayat Khan Prayer26 As per Al-Bukhari hadith from Abu Hurayra ”I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees”, Pir Zia recommended practice to watch the ratio of speaking & listening in daily life, to become aware of willing surrender of our ears and eyes through which God hears and sees27 Self-Disclosure of God- Principles of Ibn Arabi’s Cosmology, William Chittick, SUNY press, 199828 Khatm - Hazrat Inayat Khan Prayer29 Secret of Self – Mohammad Iqbal, 1915, translation – R. A Nicholson30 Qur’an verse, 14:34,” if ye count the favours of Allah, never will ye be able to number them”