Hurt in Flirt In

8/3/2019 Hurt in Flirt In

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"Who's it Hurtin' If I like Flirtin'?"

A Biblical look at Flirtation

First of all, let me say that I, myself, am a die-hard romantic. I like theatre,

the arts, pretty music, and am prone to that occasional day-dream about

"Prince Charming". Secondly, I see nothing wrong with clean, uplifting,

expressions of love and devotion. Telling someone "I love you", if it is

meant, is not a "flirtation" in my book.

That being said, let's take a look at flirting.

"Oh, flirting isnt just fun. It's not like I MEAN the things I'm saying!"

"I flirt to test the waters; to find out if someone is interested in me".

"Everyone flirts. As long as you don't act on it, it's okay".

Ever see people say those things? Probably you've seen them, and a variety

of other excuses and dismissals for flirting. Some may even go so far as to

say it's part of, and necessary to, getting to know another person. Sadly,

flirtation between unmarried Christians has become, not only accepted, but a

"must" in some circles.

The person who isn't a flirt is often treated with disdain, labeled a "prude",

and called a variety of other epithets.

The Bible doesn't use the word "flirt". It isn't there. But then again, neither is

the word "Trinity". But there are certainly plenty of allusions to the triune

God in scripture. Likewise, there are plenty of allusions to flirting and, if we

look at the content of flirting, as well as it's actual purpose and definition, we

can easily find Scripture to address the issue.

THE ORIGINS OF FLIRTATION

Flirtation is not found as a positive activity in the Bible. In fact, men and

women, in general, weren't give much opportunity to flirt, prior to getting

married. In actuality, flirting didn't really come into vogue until theMedieval period. By then, societies had already gone through several

changes. Between 1000-1300, William II, Duke of Aquitaine, introduced

"love lyrics". But troubadours, unlike their modern crooning counterparts,

asked women to NOT offer sexual favors (now, there's a switch, right?)

Back and forth, up and down, history seemed to change on the topic of


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courtship and flirtation. But, come the Victorian Era, all that changed.

"Flirtations" were couched in body language (moving one's fan a certain way

meant one thing; moving it another way, meant something else). It was more

like reading smoke signals than interpreting body language, and who had

time to learn all that, anyway?

But nearly every Historian agrees that the Industrial Age, particularly post

1900, brought out more women flirting than ever before. And by the 1970's

women had come "such a long way, Baby", that flirting was now entrenched

in society as a norm for women.

Today, most flirting is verbal. The problem many people run into is what

does, and does not, constitute a flirtation? One man's flirt may be another

man's "friendly". This confusion could be due, in part, to the diminished

respect for women overall. Where at one time, a woman offering tea to agentleman was seen as an act of hospitality, now it could easily be viewed

(in the wishful mind of the male) as a "come on", because common courtesy

has become so rare.

WHAT FLIRTING IS

Webster gives us a clear definition of flirting.

"..to behave amorously without serious intent; to show superficial or

casual interest or liking..."

When you think about it, from a Christian stand point, this doesn't even

sound like something a Christian should do. For those who don't know what

the word "amorous" means, it comes from "amare" or "amore" and means to

be " strongly moved by love, especially sexual love". So, by definition,

flirting is the act of behaving in a sexually moving way, without an serious

intent, meaning, no commitment or no desire to "follow through". The

former, applied to males, would make the man, at best, a cad, and at worst, a

tease. The woman would be the same.

Does this sound like something befitting a Christian?

Please note as well, in the secondary definition, that the "likening" is

superficial or casual. Again, we have no real substance nor intent.

For those who would say flirting doesn't have to be "sexual" in content, I

challenge you to think back over every flirtation you've given or received


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(for some, this could be impossible). Chances are, if you're honest, you've

heard or said something about kissing, fondling, holding, touching,

appearance (not to be confused with a genuine compliment like "you look

beautiful tonight"), etc.

FLIRTING: ENTICEMENT TO SIN

Go to any bookstore, or even on the internet, and you will find scores of

information about how to flirt. Not so strangely enough, this information in

almost always linked to things like seduction, enticing, or otherwise

"scoring" with the opposite sex. On rare occasion, you will see things about

"trapping a man" or "catching a man" (reducing males to wild animals or

codfish isn't exactly complimentary). One internet guide to flirting states:

"Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising:

if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of theopposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human

species would become extinct."

Of course, if it was all that "instinctive" people shouldn't need a "guide". But

even if it were "instinctive", are we as Christians supposed to go by base

instincts in the area of love? Or are we called to love on a higher plane?

Another thing to be noticed is that in well over 50% of the material you read

about flirting, there is the ultimate goal of sexual seduction. Whether

intended or not, people can be aroused by words (unless they're well prayed

up and determined to practice self-control).

We're now well past the era of "what's your sign?" and other, once in vogue,

"pick up" lines. Now flirting has shifted gears a little. And the gear shift has

worked. According to "experts" on seduction, "flattery will get you

anywhere- even in the bedroom".

Like it or not, however, flirting is, was, and always has been, what the Bible

calls "flattery". Flattery is "praise without merit". Not that the person you'reflattering isn't attractive, but there's no merit in the eventual outcome. For

example:

John finds Suzie attractive and tells her so, not to get her in bed, but because

he really means it. That's a compliment. But, let's say John finds Suzy

attractive, but his statement is: "You really make me hot just looking at


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you!" Well, aside from being tacky, it's "flattery without merit". Suzie is

attractive, to be sure, but she is in no way trying to "turn" John on. John is

hoping that, by telling Suzie this, she will get as turned on as he is.

The Bible talks about flattery in some very unflattering terms. PATHAH is a

Hebrew word used in Ps. 78:36 and means "to entice or deceive". KANA,

used in Job 32:21, means to "humiliate or bring into subjection". In Ps. 12:3

the word CHELQAH is used, which means "smoothness or slipperiness".

And in Proverbs 7:21, we see the word CHATAQ, meaning "to take away a

portion".

That last one, about the portion being taken away, is interesting because it's a

direct reference to what was called the "CHEREM" by the Israelites.

Reference to the Cherem can be found in Lev. 27:28,29 and involved the

goods, or persons, captured from pagan nations by the Israelites. These itemsor persons were to be a tithe, in effect, and couldn't be "redeemed", as could

other tithes. Keeping a portion of the Cherem (Joshua 7:1) brings a curse,

because the Cherem was considered for God and God alone.

Bible scholar and teacher, Nathan Bailey, applies the Cherem to flirtation

this way:

"If you have committed your hear to God, it becomes consecrated to Him,

just like you tithe- it is Cherem. And then, if you invite someone to lust

after you (by flirting), you bring a curse on them, because they desiresomething that is Cherem".

BUT-- I'M NOT TRYING TO ENTICE! I DON'T MEAN IT WHEN I

FLIRT!

"Gosh, you're so sexy!"

Sorry, I was just saying that.

"I would love to kiss your lips".

Hey, I was kidding! I don't really want to kiss your lips.

If you think about it, that's a little insulting. Is the person sexy? Or aren't

they? Would you really want to kiss them, are or they so repulsive that you

wouldn't want to kiss them? Roland Johnson, bible student, had this to say

about flirting:

"Flirting is a constant process of recreating and redefining reality.

Flirting is an exploratory search of fantasy concerning a strong, physical


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attraction to another individual".

Apparently, for those who "only flirt in jest", this isn't the truth. Or is it?

This is something the person better think about before joking, because

flirting does involve "amorous" behavior or talk. Sex isn't a joke, nor should

it be one.

Conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, criticizes liberals by pointing

out that they don't usually mean what they say: "Words have meaning",

Limbaugh says, and rightly so. But Limbaugh's sentiment isn't original.

In Matt. 15:11, the Lord, himself, said that it's not what goes into a man

(meaning food and drink) that defiles him, rather, it's what comes out of a

man's mouth (spoken word) which defiles the man (or woman).

Applying this to flirting, if you're saying flattering words, especially

sensually flattering words, and more importantly, ones you do not mean,

then you are defiling yourself because, in essence, you're lying. Is it okay to

lie if you "don't mean it"? Nope. Sorry. A lie, is a lie, is a lie. even if it's

mutually understood to be a lie.

Some would argue that it's "all in fun". Evangelist Luis Palua takes

exception to people making love into a sport via flirting:

"Sexual holiness demands we not play games in flirting, body language,

and clothing".

Jonathan Lindvall, Christian author, coined the term "Recreational

Romance" to describe flirting, and condemns the practice as "dabbling in

romance". David Matthew, writer for Basic Christian Living Courses,

concurs, adding:

"Flirting is dangerous... It plays at relationships with no serious intention,

which devalues the kind of man-woman relationships that God wantspeople to build".

First of all, God doesn't want male-female relationships to be built solely

upon romance. What he does want them to be built upon is something longer

lasting and enduring: RESPECTFUL LOVE.


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RESPECTFUL LOVE-VS-EROS LOVE

Sorry to say, but many Christians think that flirtation and love go hand-in-

hand. Historically, this is the stuff of Troubadours, not Biblical love. Like

the little boy who pulls the little girl's pigtails (because he likes her); or the

teenage girl who drops her books (hoping that the boy she likes will pick

them up), flirting is about as far away from God's design for male-female

love as a crush is from an actual honeymoon!

Arthur Wallis, author of "Living God's Way", has this to say:

"Even when flirting does not involve petting simply for kicks, it is still

selfish and unworthy of a Christian. Flirting has been described as

'attention without intention'. Love is too serious for play-acting".

Just how selfish is flirting?

In 1 Thess., chapter four, the issue of sexual immorality is being addressed.

The Saints are being warned against "lustful passions" and coveting. Then,

suddenly, the Apostle says in verse six:

"and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter

because the Lord is the avenger in all these things".

That seems rather strange, doesn't it? What Paul was talking about was

PLEONEKTES, meaning to covet or desire. In this case, a brother's wife

and, more specifically, to seduce her away from his brother in Christ!

Okay, we can all agree that it's wrong to flirt with someone else's spouse.

However, UNTIL THE DAY A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN, SHE

BELONGS TO GOD, AND GOD ALONE. She is, as was discussed earlier,

"Cherem", or consecrated to the Lord. Biblical love respects that. Eros love

does not.

WHY FLIRT?Unfortunately, the main reasons people flirt are: 1) it feeds the ego and 2) it

draws attention to you. The former, feeding the ego, should obviously be

seen as wrong by the Christian. We aren't called, as Christians, to feed our

egos. We are called to be selfless, especially in regard to "looking out for

other people", and this includes placing our "ego's" on hold:


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"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind

let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his

own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.." (Philippians

2:3-5)

No, this doesn't mean become a "doormat". It does, however, mean that we

take into consideration how our actions will affect another person. Are we

offending their senses when we flirt with them? If so, love requires us to

stop the behavior. Could the flirtation be misinterpreted as sincere? Could it

lead the person to sinful thoughts or actions? These things are seldom

considered by the person who looks at flirting as a "game". Dr. Courtland

Meyers had this to say about the flirter:

"There is a foul fiend dressed in the bright garment of frivolity andflirtation. He is guilty of the blackest crimes...His name is 'FLIRT', and he

is only the shadow of a man...The most despicable of all members of the

human family is the one who trifles with those eternal verities of love, of

the heart, and of the sweet and solemn pledge of holy betrothal..."

Those are some pretty strong words! If you're flirting to create in another

person a desire for you; to make them jealous; to "get even"; or to feed your

ego, then obviously, you're not doing what scripture says and, quite

obviously, you're playing to role of the "foul fiend" that Dr. Meyers

describes.

BUT-- I WANT A MAN!

The second reason, one that usually affects Christian women more so than

men, is the need to "compete". In a very insightful article, Christian Singles

writer, Joy Singleton, discusses this very issue. She points out that the

"ratio" amongst older singles is definitely balanced in favor of the men, and

that too man Christian women have bought into the lie that they have to

"market themselves" in order to obtain a man's interest and compete in the

singles arena. Singleton points out that flirting has become one of the many"marketing techniques" being used by Christian women to attract the

attention of men:

"While single women have learned the positive feedback of flirtation,

many have failed to understand the long-term affects".


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What are these long-term affects? Singleton points them out quite plainly:

1- A relationship based upon powerful, but fading, attractions

2- The failure to base the relationship on long-lasting characteristics

3- Drawing to yourself men who are acting upon "sexual suggestion"

4- Drawing to yourself men "who don't know how to love and care for a

woman of integrity and grace"

If we look closely at each of these, we see where each can have devastating

affects in the long run. How many people end up divorced once the

"honeymoon is over" and the erotic attractions dim? How many people

suddenly realize this was NOT they person they thought they married? How

many women have fallen in love with someone, only to find out later that his

only interest was "scoring"? And how many people have gotten into abusive

marriages because their spouse didn't understand the needs of a person of

integrity and grace?

Ladies, flirting may attract a man, and it may "give you the edge" in

obtaining male attention, but what kind of love is it ultimately?

Obviously it's not biblical love as God intended it to be, between a man and

woman. First Corinthians, chapter thirteen, clearly outlines what love is, and

what it isn't, too. Dividing it down:

LOVE IS: LOVE IS NOT:

Patient Envious

Kind Boastful Rejoicing in truth Proud

Always Protective Rude

Always trusting Self-seeking

Always hopeful Easily angered

Always Persevering A keeper of wrongs

Prone to delight in Evil


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Please note that the word "compete" is not listed among the positive

characteristics of love. However, competing for male attention could easily

fall under the things that love is NOT, including "self-seeking", "proud",

"envious" and maybe even "rude", especially if the flirtation is not desired

by the other party.

SUMMARY

Lately there has been a great deal of discussion about flirting in some

Christian chat rooms. Is it ok? Is it not ok? Some Christian singles have

expressed a level of upset that the singles chats have become "a bar scene

without the drunks" at times. Pro-flirting persons tend to deride the ones

who openly object to the flirtations which go on. Others simply say nothing

and go along their merry way, confident that they, themselves, aren't party to

the goings-on.

There's a certain obligation and each must answer to God for his or herself in

the area of flirting. However, once the perils are understood, there leaves

little room for complaint, later on, when flirtations backfire and feelings get

hurt or lives, scarred, by our own, willful, actions.

Sources:

Nathan Bailey, "Cherem in the Old Testament" 1999

David Matthews, Basic Christian Living, Courses for New Christians, 2002

Roland H. Johnson, "Dating and the Christian", 2001

Jonathan Lindvall, "The Dangerous Game", 2000

Arthur Wallis, "Living God's Way", 1984

K.B.Napier, Bible Theology Ministries, 2002

Joy Singleton, "The Church Ratio: Women Pushed to Market Themselves",

2002

Dr. Courtland Meyers, "The Lost Wedding Ring", 1998

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