How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying · PDF fileiii how to succeed in...
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LIBRETTOVOCALBOOK
THEFRANKLOESSERANDABEBURROWSMUSICAL
MusicandLyricsbyFrankLoesser
BookbyAbeBurrows,JackWeinstock,&WillieGilbert
Basedon“HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying”
ByShepherdMead
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ii HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CHARACTERS
J.PIERREPONTFINCH
GATCH
JENKINS
TACKABERRY
PETERSON
J.B.BIGGLEY
ROSEMARY
BRATT
SMITTY
BUDFRUMP
MissJONES
Mr.TWIMBLE
HEDY
SCRUBWOMEN
MissKRUMHOLTZ
TOYNBEE
OVINGTON
POLICEMAN
WOMPER
TheentireactiontakesplaceinthenewParkAvenueofficebuildingofWorldWideWicketCompany,Inc.
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iii HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MUSICALNUMBERS
ACT1Overture 1
1. Opening–ActOne 12. HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying 13. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm 123a. GoodMorning(EntranceSecretaries) 134. CoffeeBreak 144a. FrumpOnThePhone 215. TheCompanyWay 266. TheCompanyWay(Reprise) 347. Rosemary’sPhilosophy 388. Hedy 39
9. ASecretaryIsNotAToy 429a. TheExecutives'Exit 44 10. BeenALongDay 4911. BeenALongDay(Reprise) 5511a. SaturdayMorning 5612. GrandOldIvy 5913. GrandOldIvy(Reprise) 6313a. Vassar 6414. Hedy’sWalk 6814a. OnwardAndUpward 6914b. Girlsville 6915. ParisOriginal 7116. TheCompanyWay(aLaDanceBand) 7616a. TheExecutiveLanding 7617. ElevatorDance 7717a. EtherealGrandeur 79 18. Rosemary 81 19. RipTheChipmunk 87 20. FinaleActOne 91
ACT221. Entr'acte 9322. OpeningActTwo 9323. Cinderella,Darling 9524. IHaveReturned 10125. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise) 105
25a. Knitorama 10526. LoveFromAHeartOfGold 10826a. TheLunchDate 11127. IBelieveInYou 11327a. IntoBoardRoom 11528. T.V.Announcement 12529. TheYoHoHo 12630. Hedy’sFanfare 12630a. TheFirstClue 12730b. Disaster 12831. IBelieveInYou(Rosemary) 13132. Doom 13333. BrotherhoodOfMan 13934. MoreDoom 143 34a. Hallelujah 14635. Finale(TheCompanyWay) 14636. Bows 14637. ExitMusic
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1 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Overture (Orchestra)
ACTONESceneI
#1–OpeningAct1 (Orchestra)
(EXTERIOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYAttheendoftheOverturethehousecurtain goes up. A onemanwindowwashingmachine descendswith FINCH on it. He iswearingawindowwasher'scoveralls.Heworksonawindowwithasqueegeeandattheswiietimereadsapocketbook,"HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying."Wedon'tseeFINCH’sfaceimmediately.WethenhearthevoiceofthebooktellingwhatFINCHisreading.)
BOOKVOICE
Dear Reader, This little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about thescienceofgettingahead.
(FINCHturnsfronttowardtheaudience,andturnspageinthebook.)Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear‐eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly andeasilytothetopofthebusinessworld.Youcan!
FINCH
(Lookingup)Ican!
(Hecontinueslookingatbook.)
BOOKVOICEIf you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember thatthousandshavereachedthetopwithoutanyofthesequalities.
(Scaffoldlowerstothefloor.)
Justhavecourageandmemorizethesimplerulesinthechaptersthatfollow.Ifyoutrulywishtobeamongtheluckygoldenfew,youcan!
FINCHIcan!
(Heputssqueegeedowninpailtohisleft.Hebeginstothumbthroughthebookrapidlyandstartstosing.)
#2–HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying(Finch)
FINCHHOWTOAPPLYFORAJOB…
(Stepsoffscaffold.)
HOWTOADVANCEFROMTHEMAILROOM…
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2 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(FINCH)
(Sitsonscaffoldrail.)
HOWTOSITDOWNATADESK…HOWTODICTATEMEMORANDUMS…
(Rises,crossesD.L.ofC.)
HOWTODEVELOPEXECUTIVESTYLE…HOWTOCOMMUTEINATHREEBUTTONSUIT...WITHTHATWEARYEXECUTIVESMILE.
(CrossesL.)
THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED…"HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."
(Exteriorbuildingdropout,revealingvariousOFFICEPERSONNELinatableaushowingofficeactivity.)
Scene2
(CORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY.FINCHnowstandsamongPEOPLE,crossestocenterandcontinuessinging.)
FINCH
HOWTOOBSERVEPERSONNEL.HOWTOSELECTWHOMTOLUNCHWITH.HOWTOAVOIDPETTYFRIENDS...HOWTOBEGINMAKINGCONTACTS.HOWTO…
(FINCHcontinuestolookatbook.)
BOOKVOICE
Howtochoosetherightcompany.Beforeapplyingforajob,makesureyouhavechosentherightcompany.Itisessentialthatthecompanybeabigone.Itshouldbeatleastbigenoughsothatnobodyknowsexactlywhatanyoneelseisdoing.
(FINCHthencrosses(U.R.aboveJENKINS,listeningtotheirconversation.Aftereachofthefollowingconversations,thevariousOFFICEPERSONNELresumethefrozenposes.)
GATCH
(U.R.)Say,Joe,I'vegotacomplaintfromourdealersinCleveland...aboutthatlastshipmentofwickets.Theyonlygothalftheirwickets.Theyorderedthreehundredthousand.
JENKINS
(L.ofGatch)Iknow,Mr.Catch,buttheywantedtwo‐tonedwicketsandweranout.
(PINCHcrossesL.toJohnson.)
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3 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
JOHNSONRanout?Whatisthis,ahotdogstand?
CATCHLook,thisistheWorldWideWicketCompany.We'resupposedtobethelargestsingleproducerofwicketsintheworld.
JENKINS
Nowtakeiteasy,Mr.Catch.Therewastroubleatoureasternplant...abreakdown.
CATCHWellgetontheball.IwanttokeepClevelandwicket‐minded.
JENKINSYes,sir.
(CrossesL.toMatthews.FINCHcrossesDR.ofC.)Oh,Mr.Matthews,anynewsaboutthebreakdown?
MATTHEWS(C.)
Oh,I'mfeeling,muchbetter.
PETERSON(L.ofC.)
Oh,say,Tackaberry,didyougetmymemo?
(FINCHcrossesR.ofPETERSON.)TACKABERRY
(TurnsR.toPETERSON)Whatmemo?
PETERSONMymemoaboutmemos.We'resendingouttoomanymemosandit'sgottostop.
TACKABERRYAllrightI'llsendoutamemo.
(ALLstillremainfrozen.)FINCH
(CrossesL.)Therightcompany!
(FINCHputsbookinwiremailbasketheldbyOFFICEBOYfarleft,removesbreakawaycoveralls,tossesthemoffstageleft,picksupbook,beginstosing.)THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED"HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."
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4 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(FINCHcrossesR.ROSEMARYentersL.,carryingfolderofpapers.OFFICEPERSONNELbreakfreezeandexit.J.B.BIGGLEYentersR.,surroundedbyFOURHENCHMEN.FINCHcrossesR.,bumpsintoBIGGLEY,knockshimdown.HENCHMENhelphimup,sayingthingslike"Areyouokay,Mr.BIGGLEY?"etc.)
BIGGLEY
Nevermind,nevermind.
(Aroar.)Backtowork,everybody!
(THEYallscuttleoffstage.ROSEMARYgoesalittlemoreslowlyandlingersattheleftside,listening.)
BIGGLEY
(ToFINCH)Youheardme!Isaidbacktowork!
FINCH(L.ofBIGGLEY)
I'msorryIbumpedintoyou,sir,butIwouldliketoapplyforajob.
BIGGLEY
Ajob?DoyouknowwhoIam?
FINCHNo,sir.
BIGGLEY
(Goingrighton)
I'mJ.B.Biggley.I'mpresidentofthiscompany,that'swhoIam.Infact,that'swhothehellIam.Howdareyoucometomeforajob?
FINCHI'msorry,sir,butI
BIGGLEYWhydoyouthinkIhaveapersonnelman?WhydoyouthinkIhaveawholedamnedpersonneldepartment?Son,youbumpedintothewrongman.
(StartsOffR.)
Damndamncoal‐burningditheringdingdingding.
(HeexitsR.)
ROSEMARY(CrossingR.)
I'msorry.Iknowhowharditistofindajob.I'vebeenthroughthatkindofthingmyself.
FINCH
Thankyou,Miss.You'reverykind.Couldyoutellmewherethepersonnelofficeis?
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5 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ROSEMARY(Amazed)
Personnel?
(ShepointsU.R)It'srightthere.
FINCHThankyou.
(Hestartsforpersonnel,crossingL.belowRosemary.)
ROSEMARY
(CrossingL.toC.,stoppinghim)You‐you'renotdiscouraged?
FINCH(CrossesL.)
Ofcoursenot.I'mpreparedforexactlythissortofthing.
ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)
Say!MyfriendSmittyworksinPersonnel.Maybeshecanhelpyou.
(StartsoffR.)Youwaithere.
(SheexitsR.)
FINCH(Callingafterher)
But,Miss,it'snotreally
(HeshrugsandstartsforthePersonneldoorU.L.BRATTcomesoutofdoor.)
BRATT
(L.ofFINCH,stoppinghim)Wheredoyouthinkyou'regoing?
FINCHToseethepersonnelmanager,sir.
BRATTI'mthepersonnelmanagerandwe'renothiringanyonetoday.
(CrossesR.belowFINCH.)
FINCHWell,IwasjustspeakingtoMr.Biggley
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6 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT(Stops,looksathim)
Biggley?
FINCHYes,sir.
BRATTJ.B.Biggley?
FINCHYes,sir.Hetoldmetoseeyou.
(Smilesoutfront.NOTE:ThissmileisthefirstofseveralthatFinchusesthroughouttheshow.Thesesmilesareveryimportant.TheyarecommunicationsbetweenFinchandtheaudience.TheytelltheaudiencewhenFinchhassuccessfully,workedoneofhisploys.Thesmileisagentle,MonaLisasmile.Itshouldlooklikeacatthatjustswallowedacanaryandishappyaboutit.Whenhedoesit,Finchshouldturnhisheadquicklytotheaudienceandgivethemthesmiledirectly.ThestagingoftheothercharactersonstageshouldbesoarrangedthattheyarenotevenawarethatFinchissmilingtotheaudience.Thisparticularsmileshouldonlybeusedinthekeyspotsthataremarkedinthescript.Careshouldbetakenthattheyarenotoverdone,otherwisetheywilllosetheirimpact.)
BRATT
(CrossesL.toFINCH)
J.B.Biggley,himself?Youwerespeakingtohim?
FINCHYes,sir.Ijustbumpedintohim.
BRATTAh,isheafriendofyours?
FINCH
(Modesthesitation)Sir,Idon'tthinkamanshouldtradeonfriendshiptogetajob.
BRATTVerywellput,youngman.Well,ifyoustepintomyoffice,Ithinkwecanworksomethingout.MynameisBratt.
(Extendinghishand.)Andyouare
FINCH
(Shakinghishand)Finch,sir.PierrepontFinch.
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7 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT(Smiling)
Pierrepont.Say,maybethatoughttobeJ.PierrepontFinch.
(Laughs.)
FINCHAsamatteroffact,sir,itis.
BRATT(Stopslaughing,)
Well,stepintomyoffice.
(THEYbothgoU.L.throughthedoor.ROSEMARYreentersR.,tugging.SMITTYbythehand.)
SMITTY
(FollowingROSEMARY)
GoodGod,RosemaryyoucouldatleasthaveletmefinishmyMetrecal.
ROSEMARY
(R.ofC.)
Thisisimportant,Smitty.Iknowyoucanhelphim.
(Looksaround,seesthatFINCHisgone.)Whereishe?
SMITTYHowwouldIknow?
ROSEMARYHemusthavegoneintoMr.Bratt'soffice.Gooninthere.You'reBratt'ssecretary.He'lllistentoyou.
SMITTYButwhythisfrantic,urgenturgency?
ROSEMARY
Please,Smitty.We'vegottohelpthisboy.
SMITTY
Butwhy?Fillmein,girl.Whereforeisthiscreepdifferentfromallothercreeps?
ROSEMARYHe'snotacreep,Smitty.HehasasortofnoblecourageyetdeepdownIfeelthathe'ssortofhelpless.
SMITTYRosemary,yourmotherinstinctisabigdrag.
(BRATTcomesoutofhisoffice,laughingatajoke.followedin,'FINCHWhohasabigcigarinhismouth.)
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8 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT
Well,that'sallsettled.
(L.ofFINCH,pattinghimonshoulder.)Nicetohaveyouaboard,Finch.
FINCHHappytoshipoutwithyou,sir.
(FINCHissearchingformatchesinhispocket.)
BRATTLetmedothat.
(Reachesformatches,lightsFINCH'Scigar.ROSEMARYandSMITTYwatchwithgreatinterest.)
SMITTY
Whoisthat.?
ROSEMARYThat'smyhelplessfriend.Isn'theadorable?
SMITTY
Adorable,maybe.Helpless,no.
ROSEMARYShutup,Smitty.Ijusthopehehasn'tgotagirl.
(FINCHandBRATTcrossR.towardsROSEMARYandSMITTY.)
BRATTMysecretarywilltakecareoftheformsandgettingyourparticulars.Oh,Smitty~thisisournewMr.Finch.
SMITTYHello,there.
ROSEMARY
(QuicklystepsinR.ofFINCH)MynameisPilkington.RosemaryPilkington.
FINCHOh,hello.
ROSEMARYHi.
BRATTMr.Finchwillbestartingoutinthemailroom.Gladyoudon'tmindthat,Finch.
FINCHSir,inabigpondlikethis,everyonemustbeginasalittlefish.
SMITTYEvenabarracuda
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9 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(ROSEMARYandBRATTlookatSMITTY.BUDentersL.,crossingFLtoexit.)
BRATTNow,Smitty,WillYou
(CATCHentersR.,addressesBUD.)
CATCHSay,Bud,haveyouguysinthemailroomsentoutthosewicketcatalogsyet?
BUD(StoppingR.ofCatch)
Idon'tknow.I'mgoingtolunch.
CATCHAteleveno'clock?Why?
BUDBecauseI'mtheboss'snephew.
(StartsoffR.CATCHexits(JR.intohisoffice.)
BRATT
(CrossingR.belowFINCH,callingtoBud)Oh,Bud!
(ToFINCH,asBUDapproaches.)ThisisBudFrump,Mr.Biggley'snephew.
(CrossesL.aboveFINCH.BUDcrossesL.toitofFINCH.)ThisisMr.Finch.He'sgoingtobeworkingwithyouinthemailroom.
BUDHello,Finch.I'mBudFrump,Mr.Biggley'snephew.
FINCH(Offershand)
Howdoyoudo?
(BUDignoreshishand.)
BRATT(Abouttoleave)
Smitty,getMr.Finch'sparticulars.
SMITTYYes,sir.
BRATTFinch,nicetohaveyouonourteam.
(StartsoffL.)
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10 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHGladtobeplayingwithyou,sir.
(BRATTstops,turn,givesFINCHalookandexitsintohisofficeU.L.)
BUD
Finch,youambitious?
FINCHNotnecessarily.
BUDGood.Justkeepthatinmind.IfyoujustrememberwhoIamandrememberwhoyouare,we'llgetonfine.Ifnot...
ROSEMARY(itofBUD)
You'llgocryingtoyouruncle.
BUDIbegyourpardon.Idonotgocryingtomyuncle.
(CrossesR.belowROSEMARYandSMITTY,turns.)IthappensthatmymotherisMrs.Biggley'ssister.
(Removeshat.)IfIfeelthatanythingiswrong,Iphonemymother.ShephonesMrs.BiggleyandMrs.BiggleyphonesMr.Biggley.
(Putshatbackon.)That'sthedemocraticway.
(HeexitsR.)ROSEMARY
(CrossesL.twosteps)Mr.Finch,amanlikeyoudoesn'thavetoworryaboutsomeonelikehim.
(CrossesR.toSMJTTY.)SMITTY,youweregoingtogetMr.Finch'sparticulars.
SMITTYAh,yes,particulars.Now,Mr.Finch,thefirstquestion.
ROSEMARYHaveyougotagirl?
FINCHAgirl?No.
ROSEMARYGoodImean,that'stherightanswer.Imean,it'sverywisenottohaveagirl.
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FINCH (C)I'mgladyouunderstand,MissPilkington.Somewomenwouldn't.Yousee,Ifeelthatwhenamanwantstoriseintheworldofbusiness,agirl,orlet'ssayanemotionalinvolvement,canonlyleadtogettinginvolvedemotionally.
ROSEMARYThat'sveryintelligent,Mr.Finch.
SMITTYYes.
(CrossesL.belowROSEMARYtoPINCH.)Rosemary,areyouthroughwithMr.Finch?
ROSEMARYForthemoment.
SMITTYFine.
(IndicatesofficeU.L.assheandFINCHcrossL.)Nowifyou'lljuststepintomyoffice,we'llgetourbusinessdone.
ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)
Goodluck,Mr.Finch.
FINCH (BelowdoorU.L.)Thankyou,uh,Miss
ROSEMARYPilkington.RosemaryPilkington.
FINCHI'mgladtobeaboard.
(HeexitsintoBRATT'sofficeU.L.)
SMITTYWell,Rosemary,yousee?
ROSEMARYIthinkhe'sfascinating.
SMITTY
I'veseensomeambitiouscharactersaroundhere,butthisboyistheeagerestbeaverofthemall.
ROSEMARYNewRochelle
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SMITTYHuh?
ROSEMARYOrmaybeWhitePlains.No...#3–HowToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Rosemary,Smitty)
(ROSEMARY)NewRochelle...
SMITTYHuh?
ROSEMARYNewRochelle...
SMITTYWhatareyoutalkingabout?
ROSEMARYNewRochelle...
SMITTYWhataboutit?
ROSEMARYTHAT'STHEPLACEWHERETHEMANSIONWILLBE,FORMEANDTHEDARLING,BRIGHT,YOUNGMANI'VEPICKEDOUTFORMARRYINGME.
(CrossesR.)
HE'LLDOWELL,ICANTELLSOITISN'TAMOMENTTOOSOON
(CrossesL.toSMITTY.)
TOPLANONMYLIFEINNEWROCHELLE;THEWIFEOFMYDARLINGTYCOON.
SMITTY
Honey,you'llbeinNewRochelle.Yourdarlingtycoonwillbehereintheoffice.(CrossesU.L.)
ROSEMARYSmitty
SMITTYThefutureMrs.Finchisinforsomelonelynights.
(SheexitsintoherofficeU.L.)
(TRAVELERcloses.)
(ROSEMARYspeaks,crossesR.)
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ROSEMARYI'mpreparedforexactlythatsortofthing.(ROSEMARYsings.)
I'LLBESOHAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARM,WHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.
(Sits.)
I'LLBETHEREWAITINGUNTILHISMINDISCLEAR,WHILEHELOOKSTHROUGHME,RIGHTTHROUGHME,WAITINGTOSAY:"GOODEVENING,DEAR,I'MPREGNANT;WHAT'SNEWWITHYOUFROMDOWNTOWN?"
(Rises.)
OH,TOBELOVEDBYAMANIRESPECT,TOBASKINTHEGLOWOFHISPERFECTLYUNDERSTANDABLENEGLECT.OH,TOBELONGINTHEAURAOFHISFROWN,DARLINGBUSYFROWN.SUCHHEAVENWEARINGTHEWIFELYUNIFORMWHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.
#3a–GoodMorning(EnteranceOfSecretaries(Orchestra)
Scene3
(TheaterofficeoftheWorldWideWicketCompany.Therearetworowsofdeskswithtypewriters,addingmachinesandstandardofficeequipment.GIRLSenterL.briskly,saying"Goodmorning."Theysitdownattheirdesks,takeoffofficemachinecovers.ThelastGIRLdasheson,getstoherplacejustreadyforthemalltobeginwork.AMANstickshisheadoutonstageL.andyells.)
MAN
Coffeebreak!
MISSKRUMHOLTZIt'sabouttime!
(MANpushesoncoffeemachineL.OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenterL.andR.Alonglineishurriedlyformedacrossstagebeforethecoffeemachine.BUDFRUMPentersR.,goestofrontofline,holdshiscuptinderthespigot.)
BUDThere'snocoffee!
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ALL
(Abuzz)Nocoffee!Nocoffee!
SMITTY
(C.)
Nocoffee?
BUDNocoffee!
(ALLtakefront.)#4–CoffeeBreak(Frump,Smitty,Chorus)
SMITTYNocoffee.
(THEYallgroanandcollapseontostage.)
BUDIFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,
(ALLSitUp.)
SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES
ALL
LIESDOWNANDSOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES!
(ALLcollapseagain.BUDpushesmachineC.SUITYcrossesC.toL.ofmachine.)
SMITTY
IFICAN'TMAKETHREEDAILYTRIPSWHERESHININGSHRINEBENIGNLYDRIPS,
(ALLcrowdaroundmachine.)
ANDTASTECARDBOARDBETWEENMYLIPS,SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES
ALLLIESDOWNAND
(ALLfadeup.)
SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES!
(ALLcollapse.)
1STVOICE
NOCOFFEE,
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2NDVOICENOCOFFEE,
3RDVOICE
NOCOFFEE,
4THVOICENOCOFFEE,
5THVOICE
NOCOFFEE,
6THVOICENOCOFFEE,
7THVOICE
NOCOFFEE,
8THVOICENOCOFFEE,
(ALLsitup.)
SMITTY
THATOFFICELIGHTDOESN'THAVETOBEFLUORESCENT,I'LLGETNOPAINSINTHEHEAD.THATOFFICECHAIRDOESN'THAVETOBEFOAMRUBBER,SOIFISPREAD,SOISPREAD.BUTONLYONECHEMICALSUBSTANCEGETSOUTTHELEAD!
ALL
LIKESHESAID!IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,
(ALLcrossD.)
MYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,
SMITTYANDBUD
GONEISTHESENSEOFENTERPRISE
ALL
ALLGONEANDSOMETHINGWITHINMFDIPS
ALL
NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE.
(ALLscreamasaDANCERjumpsintoorchestrapit.ALLcrosstocoffeemachineC.)
ALLIF1CAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,
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16 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(R.ofC.)SMITTY
SOMEHOWTHESOULNOLONGERTRIES...
(CollapsesintoBOY'Sarms.)
ALLCOFFEE,COFFEE.(D.R.againstportal.)
BUDSOMEWHEREIDON'TMETABOLIZE...
ALL
COFFEE,COFFEE
SMITTYANDBUDSOMETHINGWITHINME...
(TheycrosstoC.ALLspreadout.)
ALLCOFFEEOROTHERWISE,COFFEEOROTHERWISE,COFFEEOROTHERWISE,SOMETHINGINSIDEOFME...DIES!
(Afternumber,GIRLentersfromR.Carryingsteamingpotofcoffee,crossestoL.ofC.)
BUD(CrossesL.toGIRL.)What'sthat?
GIRLAcoffeepot.
BUDCoffee!
(Theyallyell"Coffee!"andgooffL.,exceptFIVEoftheGIRLScrosstoupstagerowofdesksandgotowork.AMANpushescoffeemachineoffR.ROSEMARYhasenteredL.duringthis,carryingsmallvaseoffflowers.Shegoestoherdesk.FINCHentersL.withbasketofmail.Heisreadinghisbook.)
BOOKVOICE
Youhavealertlyseizedyouropportunitiesandarenowonthefirstrungoftheladder.Youareworkinginthemailroom.Onewordofcautionaboutthemailroom.Itisaplaceoutofwhichyoumustget.Someofyourrivalswillnothavetheadvantageofthisknowledge,butyouareforearmed.DonotgetstuckinthemaiIroom.Plantorise.
(BUDentersL.,toFINCH.)
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17 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUD(Quickly)
Finch,whereareyougoing?Whathaveyougotthere?
FINCH(R.ofBUD)
It'stheexecutivemail.
BUDI'lltakethat.
(TakesmailfromFINCH.)Tryingtogetingoodontheinside,huh?Ican'teventakeacoffeebreakaroundhere!
FINCHBut,I'mmerelytryingtodomyjob.
BUDTheexecutivemailismyjob.Finch,ifyouhaveanyideasofclimbingaladderaroundhere,theviewisgoingtogetawfullymonotonous.Everytimeyoulookupyou’llseetheseatofmypants.
(CrossesR.belowFINCHandexitsU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)
ROSEMARY
(Rises,crossesR.toFINCH)
That'srotten,rotten,rotten.Youknow,BudFrumpisjustjealousofyou...He'stryingtokeepthebigexecutivesfromnoticingYOU.
FINCH(CrossesL.belowROSEMARY)
Thankyoufordefendingme,MissPilkington.
ROSEMARY
PleasecallmeRosemary.
FINCHOkay,Rosemary.
ROSEMARYNow,Mr.Finch
FINCHCallmePonty.
ROSEMARYOkay,Ponty.Thebigexecutiveswillnoticeyou.Justbepatient.
FINCHPatient!DoyourealizeI'vebeenworkinghereforonewholeweek!
ROSEMARYIknowPontyIhaven'tforgotten.
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18 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(ROSEMARY)
(ShecrossesL.toFINCH,putsflowerinhisbuttonhole.)Happyanniversary.
FINCHThankyou,Rosemary.Atleastyounoticetie.
ROSEMARYIwishIwereanexecutive.I'd
(Shestopssuddenly,looksoffstage.)Ohoh.HerecomesJudithAnderson...
FINCHHuh?
ROSEMARYThat'sMissJones,Mr.Biggley'ssecretary.
(StartsU.L.toherdesk.)I'dbetterlookbusy.Andyou,too...
(Shesits.FINCHcrossesuptorowofdesks,lookingbusy.MISSJONESentersL.,headingtowardexecutivesuiteU.R.ROSEMARYfoolsWithpapers.FINCHsuddenlyturnsandfollowsMissJones.)
FINCHPardonme,ma'am.
(Hetakesflowerfromhisbuttonhole,pressesitintoherhand.)Youshouldbewearingthis.Itgoeswithyourhair.
(Sheacceptsitinapuzzledfashion.FINCHstartsawayL.)
MISSJONESYoungman.
(FINCHStops.ShecrossesD.)Youjustwantmetohavethisflower?Youdon'tknowwhoIam?
FINCH(CrossesR.tohe,)
Thatdoesn'tmatter.Whatmattersisthattheflowerseemedtocryouttohewornbyyou.
(StartsawayL.again.)MISSJONES
Youngman,I'mMissJones,Mr.Biggley'ssecretary.
(FINCHstops.)
FINCHNo,youcan'tbe.Imean...thatis...youjustcan'tbe.
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19 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MISSJONES
Whynot?
FINCH(CrossesR.toher,)
Well,fromBudFrump'sdescriptionofyou,I'dneverhave,Imeanyou'renotafrighteningperson.
MISSJONESThankyou.
FINCH
Ifit'snotoutofplaceformetosayso,MissJones.Ithinkyou'reaveryattractiveperson.NomatterwhatBudFrumpsays.
MISSJONESWhatdidyousayyournamewas.?
FINCH
Finch,ma'am.F‐I‐N‐C‐H.Finch.PierrepontFinch
MISSJONESHowisitIhaven'tseenyoubefore?
FINCH
(R.belowher)
Oh,I'mnotsupposedtodelivertheexecutivemail.That'shisjob.BudFrump.F‐R‐U‐M‐P.
MISSJONES
Mmmmm.Well,thankyouverymuch,Finch.You'reaveryinterestingyoungman.
FINCHThankyou,MissJones.
(CrossesL.belowher.CATCHentersR.)
CATCHSay,Jonesy
(FINCH,hearingCATCH'Svoice,kneelsL.ofMISSJONES,tiesshoelace.)I'dlikeanappointmentwiththebossataroundthree.
MISSJONES(Pinningfloweronhersuit)
I'llcheckonit,Milt,andletyouknow.
CATCH(R.OfMISSJONES)
Ab,flowers.Yougotanewboyfriend,Jonesy?
MISSJONESThiswasgiventomebyaveryniceyoungman.Youshouldknowhim.Finch?
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20 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH(Hepopsupquickly)
Yes?
MISSJONESFinch,thisisMr.Catch.
FINCH
Howdoyoudo,Mr.Catch?
CATCHHello.
(Theyshakehands.)
MISSJONES (ToFINCH)Mr.Catchwouldbeagoodmanforyoutoknow.Hisdepartmentisveryimportant
FINCHOh,IknowallaboutMr.Catch.He'sinchargeof...
(Rattlingitoff)PlansandSystemsandInterdepartmentalEvaluation.AlsoPre‐PromotionalPromotion,Post‐AdministrativeResearch,andMultipleDevelopmentonamultilevellevel.
CATCH
(ToMISSJONES)Hey,Jonesy,thisisasmartone.Ididn'tknowIdidallthat.
(HeexitsR.)
FINCHVeryfineman,Mr.Catch.Ihearhehasanopeninginhisdepartment.
MISSJONESYes,hehas,buthehasn'tbeenabletomakeuphismind.Well,thankyoufortheflower,youngMan.
FINCHYou'rewelcome,MissJones.
(ShestartsU.K,stepstoexecutivesuite.FINCHcrossesU.Ltodesks.BUDentersL.R.fromexecutivesuite.)
BUD
Hi,Jonesy.
MISSJONES
(Snapping)MissJones.
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21 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(SheexitsU.R.BUDlooksafterher,puzzled,thenlookssuspiciouslyatFINCH.)
FINCH
(TurnsawayfromBUD,startsL.)Say,Rosemary...
BUD(CrossesD.toFINCH)
Finch,quitgoofingoffYou'vegottopickuptheseconddelivery!
(CrossesL.belowFINCH.)
FINCHRighto,Bud,oldbuddyboy.
(BUDexitsoffL.,puzzled.FINCHgoestoROSEMARYatdesk.)Gottogotoworknow.Thanksfortheflower,Rosemary.
(StartsoffR.)ROSEMARY
(Sherises,crossesR.toFINCH)
Thanksfortheflower?YougavemyflowertoMissJones.
FINCHRosemarysurelyyoudon'tbegrudgeanoldladyamomentofhappiness.
ROSEMARYWell,IguessitisimportantforyoutobenicetoMissJones.
(SMITTYentersfromexecutivesuiteandobservesthis.)
FINCHI'mgladyouunderstandthat.Seeyoulater,Rosemary.
(HeexitsR.SMITTYcrossesD.R.,lookingafterFINCH.)
SMITTY(Meaningfully.TurnstoROSEMARY)
Well,Rosemary,howareyoudoing?
ROSEMARY(CrossesR.toSMITTY)
Oh,Idon'tknow.He'she's...Smitty,what'stheoppositeofasexmaniac?
SMITTYAbusinessman.
(TheyexitoffR.)
#4a.–FrumpOnThePhone(Orchestra)
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22 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Scene4
(THEMAILROOM.ThereisasmallcounterstageL.withastooltotheR.ofthecounter.BUDisseatedonthestool,speakingonthephone.)
BUD
Hello?Givemeanoutsideline.No,thiscallisnotpersonal,I'mcallingmymother(Annoyed.)
Thanks.
(Rises,crossesbehindcounter.Talkstohimselfashestartsdialing.)OneofthesedayswhenI'mrunningtheshowaroundhere,I'llclearoutthewholeHello,Mother?Bud.IknowIleftwithoutmysweater,butit'swarm.Now,look,Mother,Ijustfoundoutsomethingimportant.There'sgoingtobeanewheadofthemailroomandIwantthejob.You'vegottocallAuntGertrudeand...IknowI'mnextinline,butthere'sanewfellowworkingherethathasmeworried.Oh,heworkshard,comesinontime,nevergoofsoff,he'spolite...youknow,arealrat.
(BLACKOUTFrontspotonBIGGLEYdeskunitonR.MR.BIGGLEYisseatedat/'zjdesk.Hisintercomisheardbuzzing.)
BIGGLEY
(Grufflycrisp)
Yes,Whatdoyouwant,MissJones?
MISSJONES'VOICE
(Overintercom)Mr.Biggley,yourwifeiscalling.
BIGGLEY
Well,tellherI'mbusy,tellherI'minameeting,tellherI'mout,dammit,putheron!
(Picksupphoneandhisvoicebecomesapproximatelyaffectionate.)Hello,Gertrude.Gladyoucalled.What'sonyourmind?I'mbusy.Uhhuh,Uhhuh.Well,Gertrude,Ican'thelpBudthere.Theheadofthemailroomshouldpickhisownsuccessor.Ican'tswitchsignalsinthemiddleofaplay.Itwouldupsetthewholeteam.IfIinterferedthatwouldbenepotism.Nepotism.That'swhenyournephewisagoddamnfool.Well,I'llsee.
(Hangsup.Tohimself.)Dammit.
(Pushesbuttonandspeaksintointercom.)MissJones.
MISSJONES'VOICEYes,Mr.B.?
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23 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY
MissJones,I'vetoldyouthattalkingtomywifeupsetsme.
MISSJONES'VOICEWell,J.B.,yousaidtoputheronand...
BIGGLEYNevermindthat.Ineedsomethingtocalmmynerves.Whereismy...
(Secretively.)youknow...
MISSJONES'VOICEIputitinthebackofyourrighthandbottomdrawer.
BIGGLEYThanks.
(Clicks.Opensbottomdrawer,putshishandin,pullsoutknitting.)Ahhhh....
(FrontSPOTdimsout.)
(Dimuponmailroom.FINCHenterswithmailbag,stopsatR.endofcounter.TWIMBLEenters,crossestoL.ofFINCH.)
TWIMBLE
Let'sgetgoing,boys.BUD
(WhohasbeenstandingU.S.TurnstoL.ofTWIMBLE)
MMMMM.
FINCH(R.edgeofcounter)
Yes,sir,Mr.Twimble.I'vealreadystartedsorting.
TWIMBLEFinch,asheadofthisentiremailroom,IwouldliketotellyouI'mverypleasedwithyourwork.
FINCH
Thankyou,sir.
TWIMBLEYoureallyhaveaninborngiftformailroomery.
FINCHThankyou,Mr.Twimble.Comingfromyou,that'sagreathonor.
(PhoneRINGS.)BUD
(Picksupphone)
Hello,mailroomeNo!Mailroom.Justaminute.
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24 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(BUD)
(Calls.)It'sforyou,Twirnble.Mr.BrattinPersonnel.
(CrossesitaboveTWIMBLE,pushingFINCHtoC.stage.)
TWIMBLE(Goingtophone)
Ah,thismaybeaveryimportantcallforsomeof.us.Hello.
BUD
(ToFINCH)What'stheidea?
FINCHWhat'stheideaofwhat,Bud.?
BUDYouknow.You'retryingtobutterupTwimble.Well,believeme,itwon'tdoyouanygood.
FINCH
GoodGod,Bud.JustbecauseI'mbeingnicetoaman,doesthatmeanIhavetohaveanangle?
BUDIfanybody'sgoingtogethisjob,youknow...
(StopsashehearsTWIMBLEspeak.)
TWIMBLEIgotyou,Mr.Bratt.Thanksverymuch.
(FINCHcrossesaboveBUDtoS.Ledgeofcounter.BUDcounterstoItofFINCHasTWIMBLEhangsupthephoneandcrossesR.totheboys.)
Well,boys,itlooksasifthey'regoingtopromoteoldTwimbletotheshippingdepartment.
FINCH(Quickly)
Congratulations.
BUD
(Justasquickly)Who'sgoingtobethenewheadofthemailroom?
TWIMBLEIwon'tsaytillit'sofficial,butMr.Brattisgoingtoleavethechoicetome."Twimble,"hesaid,"ThemailroomisthenervecenterofthismightyorganizationYou'vebeenanoutstandingmailroomheadandwewantyoutochooseyoursuccessor.Andwewantyoutochoosehimonmerit.Onmeritalone.
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25 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUDThat'snotfair.
(CrossesL.aboveTWIMBLE.)I'mgoingouttogetasmoke.
(HeexitsquicklyL.)
TWIMBLESmoke.Hoho.He'sgoingtocallhismother.
(CrossesR.toFINCH.)Butit'snotgoingtohelphimifIhaveanythingtosay.Ihavesomebodyelseinmindforthisjob.Hoho.
FINCH (Afteramoment)Mr.Twimble...
TWIMBLEYes?
FINCH
(CrossesL.belowTWIMBLE)
You'vebeenwiththiscompanyalongtime,haven'tyou?
TWIMBLE
Long,longtime.LastmonthIbecameaquarter‐of‐a‐centuryman.
(Showsmedalonhislapel.)
FINCHThat'sbeautiful.
(CrossesR.toTWIMBLE.)Gee,aquarterofacentury.
TWIMBLEAquarterofacentury.
FINCHHowlonghaveyoubeeninthemailroom?
TWIMBLE
Twenty‐fiveyears.Yep,it'snoteasytogetamedallikethis.Ittakesacombinationofskill,diplomacyandboldcaution.
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26 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#5.–TheCompanyWay(Twimble,Finch)
(TWIMBLE)(Toaudience)WHENIJOINEDTHISFIRMASABRASH,YOUNGMAN,WELLISAIDTOMYSELF,"NOW,BRASHYOUNGMANDON'TGETANYIDEAS."WELLISTUCKTOTHATANDIHAVEN'THADONEINYEARS!FINCH
(L.ofTWIMBLE)
YOUPLAYITSAFE!
TWIMBLE
IPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;WHEREVERTHECOMPANYPUTSME,THEREI'LLSTAY
FINCH
BUTWHATISYOURPOINTOFVIEW?
TWIMBLE
IHAVENOPOINTOFVIEW,
FINCH
SUPPOSINGTHECOMPANYTHINKS...
TWIMBLE
ITHINKSOTOO!
FINCH
WHATWOULDYOUSAYIF
TWIMBLE
IWOULDN'TSAY!
FINCH
YOURFACEISACOMPANYFACE;
TWIMBLE
ITSMILESATEXECUTIVES,THENGOESBACKINPLACE.
FINCH
THECOMPANYFURNITURE?
TWIMBLEOHITSUITSMEFINE.
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27 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
THECOMPANYLETTERHEADIS(SO)…
TWIMBLEAVALENTINE!
FINCH
ISTHEREANYTHINGYOU'REAGAINST?
TWIMBLEUNEMPLOYMENT!
FINCH
WHENTHEYWANTBRILLIANTTHINKINGFROMEMPLOYEES;
TWIMBLETHATISNOCONCERNOFMINE.
FINCH
SUPPOSEAMANOFGENIUSMAKESSUGGESTIONS.
TWIMBLEWATCHTHATGENIUSGET
(PointsDL.)
SUGGESTEDTORESIGN!FINCH
SOYOUPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;
(CrossesItaboveTWIMBLE.)
TWIMBLE
ALLCOMPANYPOLICYISBYMEOKAY!
FINCH
YOU'LLNEVERRISEUPTOTHE(TOP)
TWIMBLE
BUTTHERE'SONETHINGCLEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,IWILLSTILLBEHERE!
FINCHYOUCERTAINLYFOUNDAHOME!
TWIMBLE
IT'SCOZY!FINCH
YOURBRAINISACOMPANYBRAIN;
TWIMBLE
THECOMPANYWASHEDITANDNOWICAN'TCOMPLAIN.
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28 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
THECOMPANYMAGAZINE?
TWIMBLEBOY,WHATSTYLE,WHATPUNCH!
FINCH
THECOMPANYRESTAURANT?
TWIMBLEEV'RYDAYSAMELUNCH.'THEIRHADDOCKSANDWICH;IT'SDELICIOUS!
FINCH
(CrossesL.belowTWIMBLE)
IMUSTTRYIT.TWIMBLE
EARLYINTHEWEEK!
FINCH(Stopsdead)
DOYOUHAVEANYHOBBIES?
TWIMBLEI'VEAHOBBY;IPLAY"GIN"WITHMISTERBRATT.
FINCH
ANDDOYOUPLAYITNICELY?
TWIMBLE
PLAYITNICELYSTILLHEBLITZESMEINEV'RYGAME,LIKETHAT!
FINCH
WHY?TWIMBLE
'CAUSEIPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY,EXECUTIVEPOLICYISBYMEOKAY!
FINCH
HOWCANYOUGETANYWHERE(INTHE)...
TWIMBLEJUNIORHAVENOFEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,IWILLSTILLBEHERE!
FINCH
YOUWILLSTILLBEHERE.
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29 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
TWIMBLEYEARAFTERYEARAFTERFISCAL,
BOTH
NEVERTAKEARISK‐ALYEAR!
TWIMBLE
Well,let'sgetbacktowork.Theymaybepromotingme,buttillthenthemailmustgothrough.
(Crossesabovecounter.FINCHcrossestoR.ofcounter.BUDentersL.humming.)Hi,Bud.How'syourmother?
BUDWhatmother?
TWIMBLE
(ToFINCH)Whatmother.
(BRATT'entersL.quicklywithabigsmile,crossesR.toTWIMBLE.)
BRATT
Hello,men.Well,Twimble,it'sallset.Asoftoday,you'reheadofshipping!
TWIMBLEThanks,Mr.Bratt.
(Theyshakehands.)
BRATTNowlet'stalkaboutyoursuccessor...
BUD
(TurnstoL.ofBRATT)Say,Bratt,haveyouheardfrommyuncletoday?
BRATTNo,Bud.
(BUDreactswithannoyance.)Goahead,Twimble,yourshoesaregoingtobehardtofill,butwhohaveyoupickedtofillthem?
TWIMBLE
WellMr.BrattI'vegivenitagooddealofthought,proandcon.IthinkyourmanisYoungFinch.
BRATTFinch.
BUDI'mgoingoutforasmoke.
(StartsoffL.)
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30 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHThanks,butIcan'taccept.
(BUDstopsdead.EVERYONElooksatFINCHinastonishment.)
BRATT
(CrossesR.toFINCHbelowTWIMBLE)Areyouturningthisjobdown?
FINCHThat'srightsir.Ithinkthereisamanwhoisbetterqualified.AmanwhohasbeherelongerthanI.Gentlemen,IrecommendBudFrump.
BUD
(Caughtoffguard)You'rekidding.
TWIMBLE(CrossesL.toBUD)
BudFrump?
BRATT (CrossesL.toTWIMBLE)Well,thisissomething,...Imean,surprise‐wise.Well,aslongashefeelsthatsva...
BUDI'mgoingtocallmymotherandtellher.
(HeexitsL.)
TWIMBLE
(CrossesR.belowBRATTtoFINCH)Idon'tunderstand.
FINCHMr.Twimble,letmeexplain.Knowingyouhastaughtmealot.
(PhoneRINGS.)
BRATT(Pickingupphone)
Hello.Yes,J.B.ThisisBratt.
TWIMBLE(ToFINCH)
It'sthebigboss.
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31 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT (Helistensamoment)Oh,Iunderstandyourproblem,J.B.Actually,wehadpickedsomeoneelse.Butit'sallright,J.B.TheyoungfellowwepickedturnedthejobovertoBud.HethinksBudisbetterqualified...No,hedoesn'tseemtobeoutofhismind.Hewasexplaining,aboutitwhenyoucalled.
(ToFINCH.)Goahead,Finch.
FINCH(C.)
Mr.Twimble,thegreatthingyouhavetaughtmeisthatnoindividualisasimportantasthewholecompany.
BRATT
(ActingasaquietvoiceannouncertoBIGGLEY)Hesaysnoindividualisasimportantasthewholecompany.
FINCH
(CrossesaboveTWIMBLEtohisL.)Thewholeteamisgreaterthananysingleplayer.
BRATT
(ToBIGGLEY)Thewholeteamisgreaterthananysingleplayer.
FINCH
(Gettinglouder)Thewholecrewisgreaterthananyoneoarsman.
BRATTThewholecrewisgreaterthananyoneoarsman.
FINCHThewholesaladisbiggerthananypieceoflettuce.
BRATTThewholesaladis...Oh,youcanhearhim.
FINCHThewholeomeletteisbiggerthananyegg.
BRATTIsn'tthatgreat,J.B.?Sortofchokesyouup,doesn'tit?...Hisname?It'sFinch.
FINCH (ToBRATT)F‐I‐N.CH
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32 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(FINCHlooksbacktoTWIMBLE.)
BRATTF‐I‐N‐C‐H.Yeah,well,I'mgoingtokeepaneyeonhimmyself.Right.Seeyoulater,J.B.
(Hangsup.CrossesR.toPINCH.)Finch,yougotmeoffthespotwithMr.Biggley.
FINCH
(CrossesR.aboveBRATTandmassageshisshoulderslightly)Gladtohelp,Mr.Bratt.
BRATTIappreciateit.
(ShakesTWIMBLE'shand.)Goodluck,Twimble.
FINCH
(Lookingatlettersoncounter)Oh,Mr.Twimble,don'tIhavetotakethismailtoMr.Catch?TWIMBLECatch?
FINCHCatch.
BRATTCatch.
FINCHCatch.
BRATTSay,Ijustremembered.Mr.Catchislookingforajuniorexecutiveinhisdepartment.
FINCH
(Doeshissmile,thenspeaks)Heis?
BRATTI'mgoingtotalktohimaboutyou.
FINCHMe?Ajuniorexecutive?
BRATTYourgenerosityandthoughtfulnessmayprovetohavebeenareallygoodthingforyou.
FINCHByGeorge,ethicalbehavioralwayspays.
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33 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT(CrossesR.,armaroundFINCH)
Finch,youdidaverywisething.
(TWIMBLEfollowsMailflatfliesout.MailroomslidesoffL.Wearenowintheouteroffice.)
FINCHThatdoesn'tmattertome,Mr.Bratt.Ididwhatwasright.
(BUDentersfromR.)
BUDMymotherwasveryhappy
BRATT
(Addressingtheoffice)Boysandgirls,meetthenewheadofthemailroom,BudFrump.
(Theyallgatheraroundandapplaud.)
BUD(CrossesL.toFINCH)
Thanks,Ponty,oldman.
FINCHGoodluck,Bud.
BRATTComealong,Finch,Iwanttotalktoyou.
(TheyexitoffR.)BUD
(CrossesL.toTWIMBLEC.)
Hesureamazedme.I'mstillwonderingwhyhedidthisforme.TWIMBLE
(Sharply)SoamI.Istillthinkmyoriginalchoiceofamanwasbest.
BUD(Frantic)
Nowwaitaminute,Twimble.Pontyokayedit.
TWIMBLEIt'sjustthat
BUD
(Goingrighton)We'llhavenoreneging.Iwaspromisedthejob.
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34 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
TWIMBLE(Stampsfootonthefloor)
Waitaminute,waitaminuteBud.I'vebeenherealong,time.AquarteroaCentury.Ijustwanttomakesurethatthingsaredonetherightway.
(Droppinghandstohissides.)BUD
Iknowwhatyoumean,Mr.Twimble.Fromnowon...
(ImitatingTWIMBLEwithhishandsathissides)#6.–TheCompanyWay(Reprise)(Bud,Twimble,Chorus)
(BUD)I'LLPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;WHEREVERTHECOMPANYPUTSMETHEREI'LLSTAY.
(BUDandTWIMBLEbothdrophandstotheirsides.)
ALL
WHATEVERTHECOMPANYTELLSHIM,THATHE'LLDO(BoyDANCERsalaams.)
BUD
WHATEVERMYUNCLEMAYTHINK,ITHINKSOTOO.(BUDtakesonestepdown.)
ALLOO‐OO‐OO.HE'SBEAMINGWITHCOMPANYPRIDE;
BUD
I'VECONQUEREDTHATOVER‐AMBITIOUSRATINSIDE.
TWIMBLEOLDBUDISNOLONGERTHEFRUMPHEUSEDTOBE.
BUD
IPLEDGETOTHECOMPANYSWEETCONFORMITY.
ALLHOORAY!HOORAY!
(BUDcrossesL.)
BUD
IWILLSOMEDAYEARNMYMEDAL(ALLbow.TwoBOYSformchairandGIRLdustsit.)
TWENTY‐FIVEYEAREMPLOYEE.(Applause.)
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35 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(BUD)
I'LLSEETOITTHATTHEMEDAL(BUDsitsonthesimulatedchair.GIRLconesandsitsonhislap.)
ISTHEONLYTHINGTHEY'LLEVERPINONME.(BUDandGIRLrise.BUDcrossesR.toTwimble.)
ALL
THEFRUMPWAYISTHECOMPANYWAY;EXECUTIVEPOLICYISBYHIMOKAY!
BUD
I'LLNEVERBEPRESIDENTBUTTHERE'SONETHINGCLEAR;
(ALLleanin.)
ASLONGASMYUNCLECANSTANDME,IWILLSTILLBEHERE.
ALL WEKNOWTHECOMPANYMAYLIKEORLUMPANYMAN...(MENliftBUDontheirshoulder.)
BUDI'msoproud!
ALLANDIFTHEYCHOOSETO,THECOMPANYMAYDUMPANYMAN
BUD
I'mhappy!
ALLBUTTHEYWILLNEVERDUMPFRUMP,THECOMPANYMAN,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANY,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANY,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY,FRUMP!
(AfternumberALLcrowdaroundBUDcenterstage.BRATTentersR.withFINCHandcrossestoGATCH,D.R,holdingapantomimeconversation.)
BUDComeon,everybody.It'sacelebration.Iwanttoinviteallofyoutohavelunchonme.
(TheyapplaudandstartoffL.)
BRATT (L.ofFINCH)Boysandgirls,
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36 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(CROWDStops.)
(BRATT)Ihaveanotherannouncementtomake.Mr.GatchistakingyoungFinchintodepartmentasajuniorexecutive.
(TheyapplaudandstarttocarnBUDoff.ROSEMARYentersL.)
BUDWaitaminute!justaminute!ThatlunchisDutch.Infact,it'scanceled!Waitaminute!
(TheycarryhuhoffL.BRATTexitsL.CATCHexitsR.)
ROSEMARY
(CrossesDR.toFINCH)Ponty,that'swonderful,wonderful.Itoldyoutohavepatience.
FINCHYouwereright,Rosemary.Thanks.
ROSEMARY
(CrossesL.twosteps)Youshouldhavesomeonearoundallthetimetohelpyouthinkthingsout.
FINCHMaybeIshould.
ROSEMARY
(Turnstohim)Ponty,I'malwaysavailable.
FINCH(Backingoffalittle)
You'resurewonderful,Rosemary.OneofthesedaysIhopeIcanshowmyappreciationand
ROSEMARYLunch!
FINCH
Huh?
ROSEMARYIsaidlunch.
FINCH
Whataboutlunch?
ROSEMARYI'dloveto.
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37 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH(turnstoher)
Lovetowhat?
ROSEMARYYousaid"Whataboutlunch."Gee,Ithoughtyou'dneveraskme.
(CrossesR.belowhim.)Let'sseewherewillwego.?Say.Iknow‐There'salittletearoom,averycuteplace,calledTheHungryT.It'sveryreasonable.I'llgetmythingsandmeetyourighthere.
(ShegoesIt)
FINCH(Leftalone,crossesL.toC.)
Ididn'tmean"Whataboutlunch?",Imeant"Whataboutlunch?"Imean...
(CATCHenterswithJENKINSfromexecutivesuite.Theystandonrisertalking.JENKINSexitsLLR.CATCHseesFINCH,comesdownstage.)
CATCH
SayFinch
FINCHYes,sir,Mr.Catch.
CATCHHow'stheyoungjuniorexecutivefeeling?
FINCHFine,Mr.Catch,fine.
CATCHComeon,I'llbuyyoulunchintheExecutiveClubupontheroof.
FINCHLunch?IntheExecutiveClub?Me?
CATCHSure.Nowthatyou'reajuniorexec,Icanputyouonmyexpenseaccount.
FINCHIt'sagreathonor,Mr.Catch.I'llgetmycoat.
(HeexitsL.)
CATCHOkay.I'llmeetyouattheelevator.
(CATCHstartsoffR.ROSEMARYreentersfromR.)Ah,Rosemary,dear,seeingyoualwaysbrightensupmydays.
(Heputshisarmsaroundher.)
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38 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ROSEMARY
(Gettingloose)Please,Mr.Gatch
CATCH
(Lettinghergo)I'vegottostopreadingPlayboy.
(HeexitsR.)FINCH
(ReenteringfromL.,nowwearingsuitjacket)
Rosemary,I'vegotasurpriseforyou.Mr.Catchistakingmetolunch.#7.–Rosemary’sPhilosophy(Rosemary)
ROSEMARYTolunch?
FINCH
(CrossesR.belowher)Yep.HowdoIlook?
ROSEMARYYoulookfine,Ponty.
(CrossesU.L.tohertakesredflowerfromvase,crossesbackandputsitinFINCH'slapel.)Justfine.Haveagoodtime.
FINCHThanks,Rosemary.
(HestartsoffR.,stopsatsideandtakesoutbook,startstoread.ROSEMARYcrossesU.L.andsitsatthirddeskfromcenter,lookingafterFINCH.)
BOOKVOICE
Ifyouhavefollowedthesimpleinstructionsexactlyasoutlined,youshouldbynowbeajuniorexecutive.Congratulations.Nothingcanstopyounow.
(FINCHclosesbookandgoesU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)
ROSEMARYHAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOME.
Scene5
(BIGGLYseatedatdesk,isonphonetalkingtohisWife.)
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39 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY
(Onphone)
Yes,dear,yes,dear....But,dammit,Gertude,Ihaven'tgottimeforthisnonsenseaboutBud.Iknowbloodisthickerthanwater,butBudFrumpisthickerthananything.I'llpromotehimwhenI'mready.Now,listentome,Gertrude,thenexttimeBudcomplainstohismotherandshecallsyouandyoucallme,you'reallfired!
(Hangsup.Intercombuzzes.BIGGLEYclicksswitch,speaksgruffly.)Yes,MissJones.
MISSJONES'VOICE
There'sayoungladywhoinsistsonspeakingwithyou,Mr.B.Shesaysit'spersonal.
BIGGLEYWhat'sshewant‐What'shername?
MISSJONES'VOICEShesaysyou'llknow.
BIGGLEY
(Smallpause,thenasgruffasever)Oh.Well,putheron,putheron.
(Clicksintercomswitch,straightenshistie,picksupphone.Theninlow,intimatevoiceandwithastrongairofmystery.)
Hello...Well,now,youknewIwouldn'tforget.I'lltakecareofeverything.Onemoment.
(Clicksintercom.)
MissJones,getmeBrattinpersonnelrightaway.
(Backtophone.)
Youbeheretomorrow.Fine.'Bye.
(Hepushesanotherbuttononphone.)
Hello,Bratt,J.B.Idlikeyoutodomeafavor.Iwonderifyoucouldfindaspotforaayounglady.Wantstobeasecretary.She'suh...anoldfriendofthefamily's.HerdadwasaclassmateofmineatOldIvy.She'sabrightgirl.Gotagoodheadonhershoulders.HernameisLaRue.HedyLaRue.#8.–Hedy(Orchestra)
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40 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Scene6
(THECORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY,sameasScene2.Astheblackvelourfliesup,HEDYLARUEisstandingstagecenter.Sheisadish.Abeautifuldish.SheisdressedsomewhatlikeaLatinQuartershowgirlwhohasstruckitrich.Notveryloud,notverybadtaste,butjusttoomuchofeverything.Shestandsperfectlypoisedinastatuesquepose.MENbegintoenterasthoughdrawnbySonicinvisiblecloudofperfume.AtonemomentaFEWOFTHEMcrossthestageoneafteranother.Theyseemtobetotallyabsorbedinthepaperstheyarecarrying,thensuddenlyseeHEDY,stopandjointheGROUPthat'sadmiringher.BUDentersR.,crossesstageL.,stopsdeadinhistracks,turnsback,talkstothegroupofMENstageL.,crossesbelowHEDY,talkstotheMENstageR.,straightenshistieandcrossestotheL.ofHEDY.)
BUD
CanIhelpyou,honey?
(HEDYturnstolookathim.Shelookshimoververycarefüllyforagoodlongtuneandfinallyshespeaks.)
HEDY
(Withaslightregaltossofherhead)Scram.
(MISSKRUMHOLTZandGIRLenterR.)
BUD(Afterherecovers)
Youdon'tunderstand,Miss.Yousee,I'mBudFrump,J.B.Biggley'snephew.
(BOTHcrossD.S.)
HEDYOh,howdoyoudo?I'mwaitingforMr.BrattofPersonnel.I'masecretary.
BUD
Ispottedthattheminuteyoucamein.
HEDYOh,thankyou.Ofcourse,I'mnewatthisand
(BRATT'entersU.L.,followedbySMITTY,crossesR.toL.ofHEDY.)
BRATTMissLaRue?
(TWOGIRLSandTWOMENenterR.)
HEDYYeah?Imean,yes?
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41 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATTI'mBertBratt,Personnel.Sorrytohavekeptyouwaiting.
HEDYOh,notatall,sir.Itisiwhomamlate.
BRATTOh,notreally.
HEDYOh,yes.Iwasverynaughtythismorning.I'mstillnotaccustomedtoearlyarisal
(EVERYBODYreacts.OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenter.)
BRATTIunderstand.Well,ifyou'llstepintomyoffice,we'll...
(Heturns,bumpsintoSMITFY.)Oh,sorry.ThisisMissSmith,mysecretary.
HEDY(Leaning,acrossBRATT,)
Howareyou,dear?
SMITTYFine,dear.Uh,Mr.Bratt,Mr.Bratt!
BRATTYes,Smitty?
SMITTYIhavetogetsomenewtaxwithholdingblanks.
BRATT
Yes,youdothat,Smitty.
(ShegoesL.BRATT'escortsHEDYtowardhisoffice.)
BRATTMissLaRue,ifyouwilljustcomeinherewithme,I'llgetyourparticulars.
HEDYThirty‐nine,twenty‐two,thirty‐eight.
(SheexitsU.L.throughpersonneldoor,BRATTfollowingher.)
BUDIwinthepool.
(OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenter.)
JENKINSBoy,isn'tshesomething!
DAVISShesureis.
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42 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(BRATTreenters.)
BRATTGentlemen,onemomentplease.
(MENcrossL.toBratt.)
JENKINS
(CrossesL.toBratt)Say,Bratt,Ineedanewsecretary.
MANSodoI.
BRATTGentlemen,MissLaRuewillbeassignedaccordingtonormalprocedureassoonasherqualificationshavebeendetermined.
JENKINSI'dsureliketodeterminethem.
MENMe,too,etc.,etc.#9.–ASecretaryIsNotAToy(Bratt,Bud,MissKrumholtz,Chorus)
BRATTGentlemen... GENTLEMEN
BRATTASECRETARYISNOTATOY,NO,MYBOY;NOTATOYTOFONDLEANDDANDLEANDPLAYFULLYHANDLEINSEARCHOFSOMEPUERILEJOY.NO,ASECRETARYISNOTDEFINITELYNOT,ATOY.
(BRATTgoesintohisofficeU.L.ALLwatchhimexit.)
JENKINS
(CrossesR.stops)You'reabsolutelyright,Mr.Bratt.
BUD
(CrossesR.stops)Wewouldn'thaveitanyotherway,Mr.Bratt.
JENKINS(CrossesR.stops)
It'sacompanyrule,Mr.Bratt.
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43 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(ExitsR.ALLexitbutTHREEBOYS.GIRLcrossesL.toR.)
THREEBOYS(C.)
ASECRETARYISNOTATOY,
NO,MYBOY,NOTATOY; SODONOTGOJUMPINGFORJOY,
TWOBOYS
BOY.ASECRETARYISNOT,ASECRETARYISNOT,ASECRETARYISNOT
TWOBOYSANDFOURGIRLS
ATOY.
FOURGIRLS(CrossingL.)
ASECRETARYISNOTTOBEUSEDFORPLAYTHERAPY.
ALLBEGOODTOTHEGIRLYOUEMPLOY,BOY;REMEMBER,NOMATTERWHATNEUROTICTROUBLEYOU'VEGOT,ASECRETARYISNOTATOY.(Typewritersequence.)
SHE'SAHIGHLYSPECIALIZEDKEYCOMPONENT OFOPERATIONALUNITY… AFINEANDSENSITIVEMECHANISM TOSERVETHEOFFICECOMMUNITY.
BOYS WITHAMOTHERATHOMESHESUPPORTS,
BUD
(EntersR.,crossesD.C.)
ANDYOU'LLFINDNOTHINGLIKEHERATF.A.O.SCHWARZ!
(ExitsU.R.)
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
(CrossingR.toL.withTWOBOYS)
ASECRETARYISNOTAPET,NORANERECTORSET.
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44 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MISSKRUMHOLTZANDTWOBOYS
ITHAPPENEDTOCHARLIEMCCOY,BOY.THEYFIREDHIMLIKEASHOT…THEDAYTHEFELLOWFORGOTASECRETARYISNOT...ATOY.
(Dance.)
ALLASECRETARYISNOT...ATOY.
(ExitR.andL.)
BOYS
(L.inpersonneldoor)
ANDWHENYOUPUTHERTOUSE;OBSERVE,WHENYOUPUTHERTOUSE,
BUD
(R.indoor)
THATYOUDON'TFINDTHENAME"LIONEL"ONHERCABOOSE.
THREEGIRLS
(CrossingD.C.)
ASECRETARYISNOTATHINGWOUNDBYKEY,PULLEDBYSTRING.HERPADISTOWRITEINANDNOTSPENDTHENIGHTIN…IFTHAT'SWHATYOUPLANTOENJOY.NO!
ALL
(EnteringfrontL.andR.)THESECRETARYY'GOTISDEFINITELYNOTEMPLOYEDTODOAGAVOTTE…ORYOUKNOWWHAT.
(ALLfade.Up.)BEFOREYOUJUMPFORJOYREMEMBERTHIS,MYBOY,ASECRETARYISNOT.ATINKERTOY!
#9a–TheExecutives’Exit(Orchestra)
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45 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Scene7
(THEELEVATORLANDING.Abankofthreeelevatorstwoofwhicharepractical.PEOPLEareleavingfortheday,dooropens)
GIRL
(EntersL.withgirlfriend,pushesdownbutton)SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong...,,
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)
MAN(EntersItwithANOTHERMAN)
SohesaidI'mnextinlineforpromotion.
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoGIRLSenterfromL.)
SECONDGIRL
SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong..."'
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoMENenterfromL.)
SECONDMAN
SohesaidI'llbeheadofsalesinayearwitharaiseand
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoGIRLSenterfromR.)
THIRDGIRL
SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong..."'
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoMENenterfromL.)
THIRDMAN
I'mdyingtoseethatnew,productionchart.
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(MISSKRUMHOLTZandGIRLenterfromL.)
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
So,whatthehell,I'mhavingdinnerwithhim.
(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)
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46 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(FINCHentersL.,crossestoelevatorasdoorscloseinhisface.HecrossestostageItelevatorandpushesdownbutton.BIGGLEYentersR.withMISSJONESandcrossestofrontofelevatorL.FINCHwillstandontheothersideofthestage,carefullylisteningwitheveryearonhishead.)
BIGGLEY
(CrossingtoL.ofC.)
DidyoucallmywifeandsayIwon'tbehomefordinner?
MISSJONES
(Followinghim)
Yes,Mr.B.Bytheway,youleftyourgolfclubsintheoffice.TomorrowisSaturdayandyou'replayingwithMr.Womper,thechairmanoftheboard.
BIGGLEYOh,yes.Well,I'llheshyingintowntonightsoI'llcomeinandpicktheclubsupinthemorning.
MISSJONES
Andyouaskedmetoremindyouaboutyourcollegealumniassociation.
BIGGLEYOh,yeah.Well,sendthemthesamecheck.IgetakickoutofthinkingoftheirfaceswhentheygetthatfatcheckfromOldLeast‐Likely‐To‐Succeed.
MISSJONESVerywell,Mr.BiggIe
(TACKABERRYentersR.,crossestoR.ofC.)
TACKABERRYSay,J.B.,there'saphonecall.Yourwife.
BIGGLEY(ToTackaberry)
Mywife?Dat.I'lltakeitinyouroffice.That'sall,MissJones.
(HeexitsItTACKABERRYfollowshim.MISSJONESstartsoffR.FINCHcrossesDstoppingher.)
FINCH
Oh,MissJones!
MISSJONESHello,Ponty.How'stheyoungjuniorexecutive?
FINCHJustfine,MissJones,thankstothehelpfuladviceI'vebeengettingfromYOU.
MISSJONES(CrossesK)
Well,I'mgladourlittletalkshaveprovenvaluable.
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47 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHTheysurehave.
(ShecrossesR.belowFINCH.)Oh,bytheway,goodlucktonight.
MISSJONES
(Stops)Goodluck?
FINCHYes.Inthebowlingtournament.Ihearthatyou'rethebestbowlerontheladies'team.
MISSJONES
(CrossesL.toFINCH)Howsweetofyoutobeinterestedinathinglikethat.
FINCH
(Nosetonose)I'mfascinatedbythehobbiesofpeopleIlike.
MISSJONESSay!Wouldyouliketocomewatchusbowltonight?
FINCH
(Reacts,CrossesL.twosteps)I'dloveto,MissJones,butIshouldgotobedearly.I'mworkingtomorrow.
MISSJONESOnSaturday?NoonearoundhereworksonSaturday.
(CrossesL.tohim.)Ponty,you'reaveryunusualboy.You'llgofar.
FINCHMissJones,thatmeansalot‐yoursayingthat‐becauseyou'reMr.Biggley'ssecretaryandhe'sthemanImostwanttoemulate.He'ssocapableandthoughtful.Iheardhimrememberingtosendachecktohisoldschool.Harvard,isn'tit?
MISSJONESHarvard?Don'teverletJ.B.hearyousaythat.He'saGroundhog.
FINCHButwheredidhegotocollege.?
MISSJONES
OldIvy.(StartsOffR.)
FINCHOldIvy?
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48 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MISSJONES(stops)
Ofcourse.They'retheGroundhogs.Mr.Biggleyisveryproudofhisoldschool.Well,goodnight,Ponty.
(StartsoffR.again.)FINCH
Goodnight,MissJones.
MISSJONES(Stops)
Don'tworktoohard.
FINCHDon'tworry,Iwon't.
(MISSJONESexitsR.ROSEMARYandSMITTYenterL.TheystopwhentheyseeFINCH)
ROSEMARY
(CrossesbelowSMITTYtoFINCH,R.ofC.)Hello,stranger.
FINCHOh,hi,Rosemary.Hi,Smitty.
SMITTY(OnestepR.)
Hi,Ponty.
(PressesdownelevatorbuttonstageIt)Beenalongday,hasn'tit?
FINCHSurehas.
ROSEMARYIhaven'tseenyousinceyougotyournewjob.
FINCHOh,I'vebeenworkingprettyhard.
ROSEMARYBeenalongday.
SMITTY(Suddenthought)
Say,Rosemary,whereareyouhavingdinnertonight?
ROSEMARY(CrossesL.belowSmitty)
Thatdepends.
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49 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SMITTYOnwhat?
ROSEMARYOnwhereI'mhavingdinner.
(LooksatFINCH.)
SMITTYHuh?Oh!
(BOTHGIRLSturnU.S.)#10–BeenALongDay(Smitty,Rosemary,Finch)
SMITTYWELL,HEREITISFIVEP.M.,THEFINISHOFALONGDAY'SWORKANDTHERETHEYARE,BOTHOFTHEM,THESECRETARYANDTHECLERK...
(ROSEMARYlooksatFINCH.FINCHlooksather.Shelooksaway.ROSEMARYlooksatFINCH,FINCHlooksaway.ROSEMARYlooksaway.)
NOTVERYWELLACQUAINTED,NOTVERYMUCHTOSAYBUTICANHEARTHOSETWOLITTLEMINDSTICKINGAWAY.NOWSHE'STHINKING
ROSEMARY
(Turnsfront)
IWONDERIFWETAKETHESAMEBUS?
SMITTY
ANDHE'STHINKING:
FINCH
(Turnsfront)
THERECOULDBEQUITEATHINGBETWEENUS.
SMITTYNOW,SHE'STHINKING:
ROSEMARYHEREALLYISADEAR.
SMITTYANDHE'STHINKING:
FINCHBUTWHATOFMYCAREER?
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50 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SMITTYTHENSHESAYS:
(ROSEMARYyawnscrossesR.toSMITTY)
ANDHESAYS:
FINCHErr...uh
(CrossesL.toSMITTY.)Wellit'sbeenalongday;
ALL
WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.
SMITTY
NOW,SHE'STHINKING:
ROSEMARYIWISHTHATHEWEREMOREOFAFLIRT.
SMITTY
ANDHE'STHINKING:
FINCHIGUESSALITTLEFLIRTINGWON'THURT.
SMITTY
NOW,SHE'STHINKING:
ROSEMARYFORDINNERWECOULDMEET.
SMITTY
ANDHE'STHINKING:
FINCHWEBOTHHAVEGOTTOEAT.
SMITTY
THEN,SHESAYS:
ROSEMARYACHOO!
(CrossesR.toSMITTY)
SMITTY
ANDHESAYS:
FINCHGESUNDHEIT!
(CrossesL.toSmitty)
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51 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ROSEMARY
Thankyou.
FINCHWELL,IT'SBEENALONGDAY,
ALL
WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.
SMITTY
(Unfoldsnewspaper)HEY!THERE'SAYUMMYFRIDAYSPECIALATSTOUFFER'S;IT'SADOLLARNINETYVEGETABLEPLATE.ANDONTHEBOTTOMOFTHEAD…NOTBAD"SERVICEFORTWO,THREEFIFTY‐EIGHT;TOMAKEABARGAIN,MAKEADATE."
ROSEMARY
WONDERFUL!
FINCHIT'SFATE!
SMITTY
NOW,SHE'STHINKING:
ROSEMARY
WHATFEMALEKINDOFTRAPCOULDISPRING?
SMITTYANDHE'STHINKING:
FINCH
IMIGHTASWELLFORGETTHEWHOLETHING.
SMITTY
NOW,SHE'STHINKING(CrossesR.aboveFINCH.)
ROSEMARYSUPPOSEITAKEHISARM
(CrossesR.toFINCH.)
SMITTY
ANDHE'STHINKING:
FINCHWELL,REALLY,WHAT'STHEHARM?
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52 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SMITTY
THEN,SHESAYS:ROSEMARY
HUNGRY?
SMITTY
ANDHESAYS:(Pause.)
FINCH YEAH!
ROSEMARYYEAH!
SMITTYYEAH!
ALL
WELLIT'SBEENALONGDAY;WELL,ITSBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENLONG,BEENALONGDAY.
(Elevatordoorsopen.CHORUSsings.)
CHORUSWELLIT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.
ROSEMARYandFINCHenterelevatorL.SMITTYenterselevatorR.ElevatordownClose.Aftersong,BIGGLEYreentersR.mutteringtohimself.HecrossesL..pushesdownelevatorbutton.)
BIGGLEYBlithering,blathering.
(BUDentersL.,caringemptymailsack.BIGGLEYstopshim,grabshimbythetie.)
BIGGLEYDammit,you'vebeencomplainingtoyourmotheragain.Shewantsyoupromoted.
BUD
Whynot?Otherpeoplearebeingpromoted
BIGGLEY
Well,ItoldyourAuntGertrudethat
(HEDYentersR.)
HEDYOh,thereyou...
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53 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(HEDY)(SeesBUD,composesherself)
Goodevening,Mr.Biggley. (CrossestoR.elevator.)
BIGGLEY(Carefullybusinesslike)
Oh,goodevening,MissLaRue.
BUDUncleJasper!
BIGGLEY(TurnstoBUD)
Itoldyounevertocallmethataroundhere.
BUDI'msorry,J.B.
BIGGLEYNow,haven'tyougotsomethingtodo?
BUDIwasjustgoingtogetmyhatandgohome.
BIGGLEYGood.
(BUDgoesslowlyR.,lookingbackatBIGGLEYandHEDY)
BIGGLEY
(PullinghimselftogetherandcrossingR.toHEDY)Howdoyoulikeyournewjob,MissLaRue?
HEDYIt'sabig,fatnothing.
(BUDoverhearsthis,thenexitsR.)
BIGGLEYSweetheart,don'ttalkthatwayaroundhere.
HEDY
IthoughtyouweregoingtohelpmebeabigbusinesswomanlikeHelenaRubinsteinorBettyCrocker.Sowhathappens?I'mstuckinthegoddamnstenographicpoolwithnoonetofishmethehellout.
BIGGLEYSsssshhh.Angelthesethingstaketime.Youhavetolearn
(SOMEONEcrossesR.toL.andBIGGLEYsuddenlyswitchestoaloudbusinessliketone.)Yes,MissLaRue,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideWicketstherearemanymultiplefacetswhichareveryimportantintheschemeofthings.
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54 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(BIGGLEY)
(PERSONexitsL.andBIGGLEYswitchesbacktohispleadingtone.)Hedy,Ipromiseyou...
HEDYIgiveupawonderfuljob.HeadcigarettegirlattheCopa.
BIGGLEY
Butthesurroundings.Yousaidyouhatedallthosemenstaringatyou,makingadvances.
HEDYIt'snodifferentaroundhereinbigbusiness.AtleastattheCopa,whenIgotpinched,1gottipped.
(CrossesR.)Aroundhereagirlcan'tbenddowntopickupapencilwithconfidence.
BIGGLEY
(CrossesR.toher)Youmeansomeonehasbeenbotheringyou?Who?justletmeknowwho.
(SOMEONEcrossesL.toR.BIGGLEY'Svoicegoesupagain.)Yes!Miss,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideFacets,therearemanymultiplewicketswhich...Whopinchedyou?
HEDYIdon'tcareaboutthat.Look,youdidnotkeepyourpartofmybargain.
BIGGLEYSweetheart!Imeanteveryword.Tellyouwhat,I'llmeetyouatyourplaceintenminutesandwecantalkitover.
HEDY
(Turnsslowlytohim)No.
BIGGLEY
But,angel
(BUDentersR.withhishatandcoaton,dressedexactlylikeBIGGLEY.BIGGLEY'sVOICEgoesupagain.)
Yes,Miss,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideWickets,therearemanymultiplefacetswhich...
(BUDcrossestoelevatorL.,pushesdownbutton.Hestraightenshistie,brush’soffhiscoat,continuesprimping.BIGGLEYlooksatBUDandthenathisowntittiit',1t1"theyaredressedidentically.ImpatientlyhecrossesL.toBUD.)
Whydon'tyougohome?
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55 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUDI'mwaitingfortheelevator.
BIGGLEYWhydon'tyouwalkdown?
BUDIt'sthirtyfloors!
BIGGLEY
(TurninghisheadawayfromBUDandspeakingunderhisbreath)
Whydon'tyoujump?
BUD
(PuttingonhisglovesandtakingalookatHEDY)Veryattractivegirl,MissLaRue.
BIGGLEYHuh?Oh,yes,Iguessso.Iwasjust,uh,tryingtomakeherfeelathome.Sheseemstoberatherashyperson.
BUDYes.We'll,yougoahead,J.B.
(BIGGLEYstartsR.)I'mmeetingMotherfordinner.
(BIGGLEYstopsdead,crossesbacktoBUD.)Shelovesdinnerwithme.Itellhereverythingthathappensalldayattheoffice.#11–BeenALongDay(Reprise)(Bud,Biggley,Hedy)
(CrossesR.belowBIGGLEYtoC.)
(BUD)NOWHE'STHINKING:
BIGGLEY
THEKIDCOULDREALLYPUTMETHROUGHHELL!
BUDANDSHE'STHINKING:
HEDY
THEKIDCOULDEVENNAMETHEHOTEL.
BUDNOWHE'STHINKING:
BIGGLEYIWONDERIFHE'DDARE…
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56 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUDANDSHE'STHINKING:
HEDY
THERE'SBLACKMAILINTHEAIR.
BUDANDHESAYS:
BIGGLEY
IT'SAHOLDUP!(Elevatoritdoorsopen.)
BUDANDSHESAYS:
HEDY
DOWN?
BIGGLEYWaitaminute!Okay,you'repromoted.(CrossesR.belowBUDtoHEDY.)
ALLWELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.
(HEDYandBIGGLEYgointoelevatorItDoorsclose.BUDcrossesL.)
BUD
WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.
(ElevatorL.doorsopen,BUDbacksintoelevator.)
HA!(Doorsclose.)#11a–SaturdayMorning(Orchestra)
Scene8
(THEOUTEROFFICE.Saturdaymorning.Desksan'clean,typewritersarecovered.Thewholeofficehasafresh,cleanlook.TwoSCRUBWOMENwithmops,etc.,are,justfinishingup.Theyaresmokingcigarettes.)
FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN
(Lookingaround)Okay,Jackie,that'sit.
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57 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SECONDSCRUBWOMAN
(L.ofC.)
Yep,allspicasaspan.Ibetnowsomeslob'llcomeinanddirtyitallup.
FIRSTSCRUBWOMANNah,notonSat'dymorning.Comeon,let'sdothebigshot'snow.
(TheygointoexecutivesuiteU.R.Afteramoment,FINCHentersfromU.L.Afteraglancetomakesurenooneisaround,quicklyhedropstopcoatonthirddesk,crossesD.belowdesks.Putsattachécaseonfloor.Putspapersfromcaseonfirstdeskandonfloorarounddesk.TossesaddingmachinecoverU.S.Takesfourpapercoffeecupsoutofcaseandputsthemonhisdesk.Takesashtrayandbagofcigarettebuttsoutofcaseandfillsashtray,putsondesk.Putspaperbagbackincase.Closescase,putsitunderseconddesk.Unrollsaddingmachinetapeandwindsitaroundlamplettingithangdownonthefloor.Removesjacket,putsitonchairofseconddesk.Loosenstie,rumpleshair.Collapsesinchairoffirstdesk,headondeskasthoughsoundasleep.BIGGLEYentersfromR.andheadsforexecutivesuite.Heisdressedforgolf.HeseesFINCH,stopsdead,looksatwatch,walksovertoFINCHandtapshimonshoulder.)
BIGGLEY
Goodmorning.
FINCH
(Rises,crossesL.asthoughwakingupfromanap)Oh,isitmorningalready,sir?
BIGGLEYGoodGod,man.Haveyoubeenworkingallnight.?
FINCH
(Crossesuptohisdesk)WellIhadafewthingstocatchupon.Ishouldn'tbeheremuchlonger.
BIGGLEYByGeorgeuh,I'msorry,yournameslipsmymind.
FINCHFinch,sir.F‐I‐N‐C‐H.
(Sits.)
BIGGLEYOh,yes.I'veheardsomegoodthingsaboutyoufrommyscouts.
FINCHThankyou,sir.
BIGGLEYWell,Finch,it'sgreattoseeamanintherecarrying,theball.Youknowsyoumakemefeelabitguilty.Ijustdroppedintopickupmygolfclubs.IhavetoplayaroundtodaywitholdWallyWomper.He'schairmanoftheboard,youknow.
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58 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHIimagineonehavetodothatsortofthingonceinawhile.
BIGGLEYNowdon'tpushyourselftoohard,Finch.Therearelimits,youknow.
FINCH
(Bravely)Oh,don'tworryaboutme,sir.
BIGGLEY(Startsoff)
I’lljustgetmyclubs.
(Startsupstepstoexecutivesuite.FINCHrisesandbeginshummingmelodyofOLDIVY
BIGGLEYstopsdeadashehearswhatFINCHissinging.CrossesbacktoFINCH.)What'sthatyou'rehumming?
FINCH(Stopshumming)
Huh?Oh,Ididn'trealizeIwashumming,Sir.
BIGGLEYYouwerehummingtheOldIvyfightsong.
FINCH
(Doeshissmile,thenspeaks)IguessItwasunconsciousonmypart.
BIGGLEYDidyougothere?WereyouaGroundhog.?
FINCH(Hesitantly)
Well,Sir
(Sits.)BIGGLEY
Sayit,boy!Comeoutwithit.Iknowalotofguyshaveaninferioritycomplexbecausetheydidn'tgotoYaleorPrinceton.You'renotashamedofOldIvy,areyou?
FINCHNo,Sir,notabit.(Rises.)
BIGGLEY
That'stheGroundhogspirit.IshouldhaveknownyouwereOldIvy.Whatyear?
(FINCHcrossesD.toC.,lostinthought;makesfootballpassmotion.BIGGLEYcrossesD.)Finch,whendidyougraduate?
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59 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHOh,I'msorry,Sir.Iwasthinkingaboutthebiggametoday.I'msorryIhavetomissit.WereplayingtheChipmunks.
BIGGLEYThat'sright.Ican'tgetupthere,either.jhopethosedamnedChipmunksdon'tgiveustoomuchtrouble.
FINCHOh,Ithinkwe'lltakethem,Sir.Charnowsky'skneeismuchbetter.
BIGGLEYOh,withCharnowskyintheretheteam'smoraleshouldpickup.He'sthedirtiestplayerwe'vegot.
FINCHWell,eventhoughwe'renotthereinperson,we'llberootingfor'em.Right?
BIGGLEYRight.#12–OldIvy(Biggley,Finch)
(BIGGLEY)
GRR‐R‐R‐ROUNDHOG!(Theyshakehands.)
FINCH
GR‐R‐R‐R‐R‐ROUNDHOG!
BIGGLEY(Marchesdownandthenup)
STANDOLDIVY,STANDFIRMANDSTRONG.
(FINCHstandstotheL.,watchinghim.)
GRANDOLDIVY,HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG.
(FINCHcrossestoBIGGLEY.)
BIGGLEYANDFINCH
STANDOLDIVYANDNEVERYIELD.RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.
FINCH
(Onhisknees)
WHENYOUFALLONTHEBALL,
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60 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY
ANDYOU'REDOWNTHEREATTHEBOTTOMOFTHEHEAP,
FINCH
(CrossesR.ofBIGGLEY,thebottomoftheheap,dropstohisknees.)
DOWNATTHEBOTTOMOFTHEHEAP,
BIGGLEY
WHERETHEMUDIS,OH,SOVERY,VERYDEEP,HEAP,
FINCH
(Rises.)DOWNINTHECRUDDY,MUDDYDEEP,
BIGGLEYDON'TFORGET,BOY,
BOTHTHAT'SWHYTHEYCALLUS,THEYCALLUSGRRROUNDHOG!GRRROUNDHOG!
(BOTHcrossL.) FINCH BIGGLEY
STAND GRR‐ROUNDHOGOLDIVY, GRR‐ROUNDHOGSTANDFIRM RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,ANDSTRONG. RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNK!
(BOTHcrossR.)
GRANDOLDIVY, GRANDOLDIVY,HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG. HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG.STAND GRR‐ROUNDHOG!
OLDIVY… GRR‐ROUNDHOG!GODBLESSYOU…
BOTHANDNEVERYIELD.RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.
FINCH
(R.ofBIGGLEY)
Ienjoyedthat,sir.
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61 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEYSodidI,boy.Well,I'llgogetthoseclubs.
(Startsoffchanting.)
Rip,rip,rip,theChipmunk,off… (CrossesU.S.R.intoexecutivesuite.FINCHgoesbacktohisdesk,reachesintohis attachécase,pullsoutafairlylargehunkofknitting,sitsonthedesk.,tossestheball ofwoolU.S.andbeginstoknit.BIGGLEYreentersR.,stopsandlooksattheknitting
withfascination.CrossesL.toFINCH.)What'sthatyou'redoing?
FINCH
(Eyesclosed)
Twenty‐Sixtwenty‐seven,twenty‐eight,twenty‐nine.I'msorry,Ijustwantedtofinishthisrow.Iguessthislookssilly,sir.ButI'vealwaysfoundthatknittinghelpsmethinkmoreclearly.
BIGGLEYWell,I'llbedamned.
(Putstheclubsdownagainstdesk,crossesL.belowFINCH,looksaroundtomakesuretheyarealone.ConfidentiallytoFINCH.)
Iknit,too.
(Sitsinchairoffirstdesk.)
FINCHReally!
(Rises.)BIGGLEY
Yep.It'sgoodformynerves.Beendoingitforyears.Nobodyknowsbutmysecretary,MissJones.Youknowher.
FINCH (Carefully)Yes,I'vemether.
BIGGLEY
(Suddenlypointingtoknitting)What'sthisgoingtobe?
FINCHOh,IthoughtI'dmakea
(Heholdsupknittingonvariouspositions.)...abirdcagecover.
(Putsknittingondesk.)
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62 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEYBirdcagecover.Inevermadeoneofthose.
(Rises.)Buthowdoyoulikethis?
(Indicatessweaterhe'swearing.)
FINCHOh,that'sbeautiful,sir.
BIGGLEYImadethecoversforthosegolfclubs.See?Popcornstitch.
FINCH
(Takesoutclub,handsittoBIGGLEY.BIGGLEYsits)Youknow,Mr.BIGGLEY,Ifeelkindofsorryformenwhodon'tknit.Theyleademptylives.
BIGGLEYIlikethewayyouthinch,Fink.
FINCH"Think,Finch,"sir.
BIGGLEY
Think,Finch‐yes.Tellme,whatareyouheadingforaroundhere?What'syourambitioninthisoutfit?Brightfellowlikeyoumusthaveitallplannedout.
FINCH(CrossesR,)
Well,Mr.Biggley,ifI'meverfortunateenoughtoreachapositionwhereIhaveachoice,I'dliketobewheretheydosomethingreal...
(Crossesback.)
...somethingamancangethisteethinto...soliddown‐to‐earththeadvertisingdepartment.
BIGGLEY
(Rises,crossesD.S.FINCHcrossesdownwithhim)Advertising!Son,Iwouldn'twantthatforanoldschoolmateofmine.It'stootoughtooinsecure.Why,thisplacehashadfifteennewadvertisingmanagersinthepastyearalone.Thepoordevilsdisappearattherateofaboutoneamonth.
FINCHWhyisthat?
BIGGLEYIfirethem.
FINCH
Butifyougotamanwithideas,hecouldswingit.
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63 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY(Contemptuously)
Ideas!That'swhatIlookfor.IkeephiringmenwhoaresupposedtohavebrilliantideasandnotoneofthemwilleverdowhatItellhim.No,son,yousticktowhatyou'redoing.You'lldoallrightthere.Damnedgooddepartment.Bytheway,whereareyou?
FINCHPlansandSystems.Mr.Catch'sdepartment.
BIGGLEYGoodman,Catch.Knowswhathe'sdoing.Youstaywithhim.AndI'llkeepmyeyeonyou,too.
(FINCHcrossesU.todesk,getsgolfclubs.BIGGLEYcrossesR.FINCHcrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY,handshimthegolfclubs.)
FINCH
Hereyouare,sir.Haveawonderfulday.I'vegottogetthisdonebeforemidnight.
(Startsfordesk.)BIGGLEY
Midnight.
(FINCHstops.)That'stheGroundhogspirit.
(TwoSCRUBWOMENenterfromexecutivesuite,standlisteningattopofriser.)
#13–GrandOldIvy(Reprise)(Biggley,Finch)
FINCH&BIGGLEY
GRR‐ROUNDHOG!CRR‐ROUNDHOG!STANDOLDIVY,STANDFIRMANDSTRONG.RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.
(TheygoitSCRUBWOMENcomedownstairs,surveythemess)
FIRSTSCRUBWOMANBeautiful!
SECONDSCRUBWOMANWhatwasthat?
FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN
Acollegesong,
SECONDSCRUBWOMANWhatcollege?
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64 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN
(Pickingupknittingoffdesk)I'dsayVassar.#13a–Vassar(Orchestra)
Scene9
(FINCH'sFIRSTOFFICE.AsmalldeskwithtwochairsissetinfrontofanairventstageR.Intheblack,wehearBIGGLEY'SVOICE.)
BIGGLEY'SVOICE
Hello,Bratt?ThisisJ.B.Say,whatarewerunningaroundhere,asweatshop?We'reworkingthatboytoohard.Who?Finch!F‐I‐N‐C‐H...Thepoordevilworkedhereallweekend.Ioughttoknow.Iwastherewithhim,workingsidebyside.Theladneedshelp.Well,firstofall,Iwanthimtohaveanofficeofhisown...deservesthebestyouhaveavailable.Oh,nothingfancy‐don'twanthimgettingideas.
(WhentheLIGHTScomeup,FINCHiswalkingarounddustingandstraightningthings.ROSEMARYentersfromR.)
ROSEMARY
Hello,Ponty.
FINCHRosemary,comeonin.Howdoyoulikeit?
(CrossesR.abovedesk.)
ROSEMARY
(Looksaround,crossesL.belowdesk.)Yourfirstoffice.It'sbeautiful.
(Sits.)
FINCHIt'snotbad,considering.Ididwantmynameonthedoor,butIdecidednottoashbecausethere'snodoor.
ROSEMARYIt'sbeautiful.Icanonlystayaminute.IjustwantedtotellyouthatIhadagoodtimetheothernight.
FINCH(Sits)
Me,too.Ienjoyedtheconversation.Itwasvery...Well,iguessItalkedallthetime.
ROSEMARYIlikedit.But‐justonething,Ponty.
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65 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(ROSEMARY)
(Rises,crossesD.)...Aboutwhathappenedlater.Imean,whenwesaidgoodnight.
(FINCHrises,crossesDR.ofdesk.)ItwasourfirstdateandIdon'twant.youtogeta.wrongimpressionofme,but...well,Iguessit'snaturalforafellowtotrytogetalittlefreshwithagirlandmakeapassather,butyoudidn'tdoanything!
FINCHIhadtogetupearly.
(HEDYentersR.ROSEMARYlooksR.pastFINCH.FINCH,realizingsomeonehasentered,turnsItandisshockedatthesightofHEDYLARUE.)
Sir?...Miss?
HEDYI'mMissLaRue,honey.
FINCHWhatcanIdoforyou,MissLaRue?
HEDYAsecretarywasorderedtobeassignedtoyou.I'myourassignation.
ROSEMARY
(ConfidentiallytoFINCH)Youdidn'ttellmeyouweregettingasecretary.
FINCH
(CrossesL.toROSEMARY)Ijustfoundoutmyself.
ROSEMARYWell,happydictation,Ponty.
(ShegoesR.belowHEDY.)HEDY
'Bye.(ROSEMARYexits.FINCHstraightenshisjacket,bows,realizesthat'sthewrongthingtodo,lowershisvoice.)
FINCH
Now,nowwon'tyousitdown,MissLaRue?(CrossesR.abovedesk.)
HEDYThankyou.
(ShecrossesL.,sits,crossesherlegs,revealingagreatdealofsame.)
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FINCH (Afterstaringatherforamoment)Now,MissLaRue...
HEDYOh,justcallmeHedy.
FINCH
Well...I...I...thinkthatperhapsinabusinessrelationship.
HEDYYou'recute.
FINCHExcusemeamoment.
(Hepicksuphisbook,walkstocornerofhisofficeD.R.andreads.)
BOOKVOICE
Choosingasecretarycanbefraughtwithperil.TakeagoodlookattheYoungladywhohasbeenassignedtoyou.
(BOOKVOICEstops.FINCHlooksatHEDY,whoisfixingherstocking.FINCHbeginstoreadagain.BOOKVOICEresumes.)
Ifsheissoattractivethatyoufeelthingsaretoogoodtobetrue,beverycareful.ItmaybethatoneofthebigmeninthecompanyisInterested‐In‐Her‐Career.Thereisasimpletestforthis.Checkonhersecretarialskill.Thesmallerherabilities,thebiggerherProtector.
(FINCHclosesbook,goestodesk.)
FINCH
MissLaRue,let'strysomedictation.Takealetter.
HEDY(Flipsopenstenopad)
Shoot!
FINCH
(CrossesL.ofHEDY,speaksslowly)ThisistoMr.Catch....DearMr..Catch (CrossesRSlowly.)Pursuanttoour...discussionof
HEDYWaitaminute
(FINCHStops.)Youfryingtocatchatrab?
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FINCH(CrossesL.ofdesk)
Whatareyoutakingthisdownin?
HEDY
Longhand.It'ssafer.Imakeupforitwhenjtype.
FINCHOh,youtypefast?
HEDYLikeajackrabbit.Twelvewordsaminute.
FINCH
(Sits)Uh...bytheway,MissLaRue.Hedy...whatwasyourlastposition.?
HEDY
(Afterabeat)Iwasinthetobaccobusiness.ButthenMr.Biggley...
FINCH(Slamsdesk)
Mr.Biggley...
(Reacts,turnsfront.)HEDY
Hegotmeinterestedinwickets,soImatriculatedmyselfintobusinessschool,and,well,hereIam.
FINCHYes,youare,aren'tyou?
(Looksatbook.)HEDY
Goahead,dictatesomemore.I'mgoingtolikethisjazz.
FINCH(Closesbook)
Hedy,letthatletterwaitforamoment.
(Handsherafolder.)PleasetakethisintoMr.Gatch.
HEDY
(Rises)Mr.Catch.
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FINCHOhhuh.He'smyboss.MakesureyougiveittoMr.Catchhimself.
(ShestartsoffL.)Hedy
(Shestops.)...personally.
HEDYOkay,Charlie.
(SheexitsL.)#14–Hedy’sWalk(Orchestra)
Scene10
(PLANSANDSYSTEMSOFFICE.LIGHTuponGATCHseatedathisdesk.ThereisanotherchairattheR.behindwhichMISSKRLIMHOLTZisstanding.Doortotheofficeis.Phonerings.MISSKRUMHOLTZpicksupphone.)
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
(R.ofCATCH)
Hello,Mr.Catch'soffice.Onemoment,please.
(TurnstoCATCH.)Mr.Catch,Mr.Finch'ssecretaryisoutsideandshe'dliketoseeyoupersonally.
CATCH(Puzzled)Havehercomein.
MISSKRUMHOLTZ(Hangsup)
I'llgether.
(ShegoesC.HEDYenters,posesindoorway.)
HEDY(CATCHjumpstohisfeet)
Mr.Catch?
(CrossesL.todesk.)
CATCH(Startled)
Yes.?
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69 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
HEDY
I'mMr.Finch'ssecretary.Heaskedmetogiveyouthis.
(Shedropsfolderonthedesk.,startsoff.Herwholemannerisveryseductive.CATCHfollows,stopsher.)
CATCH
Say,whatareyoudoingtonight?
HEDYI'vegotadatewithmygentlemanfriend.
CATCH
(GrabsHEDY)Oh,comeon.You'reinthebigtimenow.Don'tfoolaroundwithsmallfry.#14a–OnwardandUpward(Orchestra)
(BLACKOUTPhoneRINGSinthedark.DIMUPimmediately.FINCHisseatedatGATCH'sdesk.He'ssittingbackinthechairasthoughhehashadthisjobforever.Thereisasmuglookonhisface,andaslightsmile.MISSKRUMHOLTZisonstage.)
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
(Pickingupphone)
Hello,Mr.Finch'soffice.Onemoment.
(Handshimphone.)It'sforyou.Production.
(ShegoesU.C.)
FINCH
(Intophone)Hello,Finchspeaking.Oh,yes.
(Rises.)I'mrunningPlansandSystemsnow.Huh?Mr.Catch?Oh,he'sbeentransferredtooneofouroutoftownoffices...Venezuela.#14b–Girlsville(Orchestra)
Scene11
(TRAVELER.AcorridorsomewhereintheWorldWideWicketBuilding.TherearetwofoliageunitsD.S.L.andR.BRATTandTACKABERRYenterR.JENKINSentersL.)
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(StoppingJENKINSL.offC.)Say,JenkinsIwasjustgoingstocallyou.We'regettinganewvicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.
JENKINSAnotherone?Whoisitthistime?
BRATTAfellowbythenameofOvington.BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.
JENKINS
(Thinking)B.B.D.O.
BRATTI'llbetthat'swhyBiggleyhiredhim.Anyway,we'regivinghimareceptiontonight.
TACKABERRY
(R.ofBRATT)IntheExecutiveClubontheroof.
JENKINSIwonderhowlongthisguy'lllast?
BRATTIdon'tknow,butwe'regivinghimthefulltreatment.Youcanaskyoursecretarytocome.We'reinvitingsomeoftheexecutivesecretariestoactashostesses.
JENKINSOkay,Bratt.
(JENKINSgoesR.BRATTandTACKABERRYgoL.)
BRATTB.B.D.O.
(TheyexitL.ROSEMARYentersR.SMITTYandGIRLcomeonfromL.)
SMITTY(StoppingROSEMARYL.ofC.GIRLexitsR.)
Rosemary,Ihadlunchwithoutyou.Wherehaveyoubeen?
ROSEMARYSmitty,I'vebeenmadesecretarytothenewadvertisingmanager.
SMITTYOhgood.What'shelike?
ROSEMARYOh,Idon'tcareabouthim,butthismeansthatI'minvitedtothereceptionthisevening,andPontywillbethere,too.Smitty,I'vebeendreamingofachancelikethis.Pontyhasneverseenmealldressedup...Youknow,glamorous.
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(ROSEMARY)(Holdsupbox.)
Doyouknowwhatthisis?
SMITTYYourlunch?
ROSEMARYSmitty,thisistheanswertoiwwtosucceedwithFinch.Anewdress.It'sjustbeautiful.
SMITTYIhopeitworks.Goodluck,Rosemary.
(Theyembrace.ShestartsR.)ROSEMARY
Thanks,Smitty.
SMITTY(R.ofC.)
Youknow,IthinkmaybeI'llgetanewdressfortonight,too.
ROSEMARYGoodidea.Ihopeyou'reverypopularattheparty,Smitty.
SMITTY
MaybeIwillbe,atthat.I'mthinkingofstartingasecretrumorthatI'manymphomaniac.
(SheexitsR.ROSEMARYlooksafterherthenlooksatthebox,hugsitandsings.)
#15–ParisOrigina(Rosemary,Smitty,MissJones,Girls)
ROSEMARY(Holdsupdressbox)
ISLIPPEDOUTTHISAFTERNOONANDBOUGHTSOMELOVEINSURANCE,
(Hugsdressbox.)
AMOSTEXCLUSIVEDRESSFROMGAYPAREE.IT'SSLEEKANDCHICANDMAGNIFIQUE,WITHSEXBEYONDENDURANCE.IT'SME!IT'SME!IT'SABSOLUTELYME!ANDWHY?ONEGUY!
(Holdsdressboxout.)
THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINALI'MWEARINGTONIGHT;I'MWEARINGTONIGHT'SPECIALLYFORHIM.
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(ROSEMARY)(CrossesItcrossesbackL.toC.)
THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL'SALLPAIDFORANDMINE.IMUSTLOOKDIVINE'SPECIALLYFORHIM.
(Kissesthebox.CrossesL.strummingdressboxlikeguitar.)
SUDDENLYHEWILLSEEME,ANDSUDDENLYHE'LLGODREAMY,ANDBLAMEITALLONHISOWNMASCULINEWHIM.NEVERKNOWINGTHAT…THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,SOTEMPTINGLYTIGHT,I'MWEARINGTONIGHT'SPECIALLYFORHIM
(StartsoffL.)
FORHIMFORHIM.(SheexitsL.)
Scene12
(THEROOFTheMUSICcontinuesasweopenonaprettyterraceatcocktailtime.Therearetableswithbigumbrellasandassortedterracefurniture.Thepartyhasn'tstartedyet.ROSEMARYentersimmediatelyU.L.fromstairunit.Shehaschangedintohernewdress.SheisnowwearingherParisoriginal.ShecrossesD.C.andcontinuessinging.)
(ROSEMARY)
FORHIM,FORHIM.THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINALI'MWEARINGTONIGHT
(FirstGirlEntersR.WearingSameDress.)
SHE'SWEARINGTONIGHTANDICOULDSPIT!
(BOTHlookateachother.)
SOMEIRRESPONSIBLEDRESSMANUFACTURER(GIRLcrossesL.ofROSEMARY.)
JUSTDIDN'TPLAYFAIR.(Looksatgirl.)
I'MONEOFAPAIR
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ROSEMARYANDGIRLANDICOULD
(MISSKRUMHOLTZentersL.wearingsamedress.)
OH,NO!(CrossesR.)
MISSKRUMHOLTZTHISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,ALLSLINKYWITHSIN...
(ANOTHERGIRLentersR.wearingsamedress,leansagainstportal.)
ALREADYSLUNKIN(GIRLexits,R.)
ANDICOULDDIE.(MISSKRUMHOLTZturns,crossesU.c.seesROSEMARYandFIRSTGIRL.)
ROSEMARYANDGIRLANDICOULDKILLHER.
ALLTHREEANDICOULD‐
(SMITTYentersR.wearingsamedress.)
SMITTYTHISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,TRÉSSEXY,NEST‐CEPAS?
(LooksU.C.,seesTHREEGIRLS.)
GODDAMMIT‐VOILA!
ALLFOURANDICOULDSPIT!
(MoreGIRLSenterfromallsidesdressedalike.ALLGIRLScovertheireyesandcrossD.tofrontofstage,lookR.MISSJONESentersR.wearingsamedress.)
MISSJONES
Girls!ALL
OH!THIRTY‐NINEBUCKSIHANDOUTFORSOMETHINGTOMAKEMESTANDOUT,ANDSUDDENLYI'VEGONEINTOMIMEOGRAPH...
MISSJONES
SOMELAUGH!
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(ALLlineupacrossstage.)
ALL
THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,THISMASS‐PRODUCEDCRIME,I'MWEARINGTONIGHTFORTHEVERYLASTTIME!
(Afternumber,GIRLSmillaroundstageR.MENenterfromU.L.,lookingaroundconfusedastheyseeallthegirlsdressedalike.HEDYentersD.L,posesbyportal.Sheiswearingthesamedress.MENcrossL.toherandwhistle.)
MEN
Whatadress!
GIRLS(Indisgust)
Oh!
(TheydriftU.S.BUDentersfrom,L.,stopsbyHEDY.)
BUDHedy,willyouhaveadrink?
HEDY (Dignified)Inevertouchanythingalcoholicbeforefivep.m.
BUD
(Lookingathiswatch)It'stenafterfive.
(MENcrossaway.)
HEDYWhichwayisthebooze?
BUDRightoverhere.
(TwoWAITERSpusharoilingbaronL.belowstairunit.)
HEDYI'llhaveadoubleMartini.
(SheandBUDgotobarU.L.ROSEMARYstartsoffR.FINCHentersfromD.R.,CrossestoROSEMARY,stoppingher.BIGGLEYentersfromU.L.fromstairwaywithOVINGTON,BRATTandTACKABERRY)
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BIGGLEY(Onstairunit)
Hereheis,boysandgirls.
(CrossesD.C.TheysurroundOVINGTONshakehands,etc.OVINGTONcrossesD.R.ofBIGGLEYBRATTcrossestohisL.,followedbyTACKABERRY)
Youknowouradvertisingdepartmenthasbeenintroubleforalongtime.ButIthinkwenowhaveafellowwhoisgoingtohelpputWorldWideWicketsbackontop.Mr.BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.
(ALLapplaud.)
OVINGTON(R.ofBIGGLEY)Thanks,boysandgirls.IjustwanttosaythatI'mproudtobejoiningtheWorldWideWicketfamily.Idon'tknowverymuchaboutwickets,butIdoknowaboutadvertising.Mytheoryofadvertisingcanbesummedupinonesentence:"Shoveitdowntheirthroatswithasoftsell."
BIGGLEYGoodsoundthinking.
OVINGTONAndI'dliketosaythat
HEDY
(CrossesD.L.frombar.BUDfollows)BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.Whatthehellkindofnameisthat?
(BIGGLEYwhisperssomethingtoBRATT.BRATTcrossesL.toHEDY)
OVINGTONButI'dliketosaythat...
(BIGGLEYstopshim.)BRATT
Say,BudHEDY
(ToBRATT)
YoucallthisadoubleMartini?There'sonlyoneoliveinit.
OVINGTONI'dliketosay
(BIGGLEYstopshim.)BRATT
Bud,J.B.saysforyoutotakeMissLaRuehome.Shedoesn'tseentohefeelingwell.
HEDYI'mfeelingfine!
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#16–TheCompanyWay(AlaDanceBand)(Orchestra)
BUDYoufeelterrible.
(Ashestartstotakeheroff,HEDYpullsfreecrossesR.toFINCH.)
HEDYHey,Finchy,let'sdance.
OVINGTONAnddliketosay
(BIGGLEYstopshimagain.)
FINCH
(GrabbingROSEMARY)I'malreadydancing,withRosemary.
(HeandROSEMARYdoafewsteps.)
BIGGLEYEverybody.dance!
(Turns,takesMISSJONEStohisL.,beginstodance.)
OVINCTONFurthermore,I'dliketo...
(GIRLgrabshimandtheystartdancing.GROUPstartstodance.BUDtriestotakeHEDYawayagain.Shekickshim.)
BUD
Ouch!
(HEDYdisappearsintogroupdancing,withBUDfollowing.)Comeon,Hedy.Nogames.
(Hecomesoutofcrowd,draggingSMITTYbythehand,crossingD.L.)ComeonHedy,J.B.wantsmetotakeyou...
SMITTYBud,youmusthaveheardtherumor!
(BUDseeshehasthewronggirl,groans,divesbackintodancinggroup,callingafterHEDY.)
#16a–TheExecutiveLanding(Orchestra)
Scene13
(ELEVATORLANDING.StageR.elevatordooropens.BUDandHEDYconicout.Doorclosesbehindthem.)
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HEDYWow!Thatelevatormademedizzy.
BUDComeonHedy.
(TheybothstartcrossingL.)
HEDYWhatIneedisashower.
BUDJ.B.wantsmetotakeyouhome.
(TriestotakeherstageR.)
HEDY
(Resisting,crossingL.withhim)
No.I'mgoingtoJ.B.'soffice.Hehasaprivateshower.I'lltakeashowerandthencomebacktotheparty.
(Startsdancestep.)BUD
Okay,Hedy,haveaniceshower.HEDY
Thanks,Bud.
(Pincheshischeck.)Youknow,you'recute.NotascuteasFinch,butyou'recute.
(SheexitsL.)
BUDNotascuteasFinch!
(Hestandstherethinkingforamoment.ManentersfromR.,crossestostageR.elevatordoor,Pushesupbutton.BUDcrossesR.toman.)
#17–ElevatorDance(Orchestra)
(BUD)
Goinguptotheparty,Pete?MAN
Yeah.BUD
WillyoutellMr.FinchIwanttoseehimdownhere.
(Elevatordooropens.)Tellhimit'simportant.
MANOkay.
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(Elevatordoorcloses.BUD,leftalone,nowstartsadance.)
BUD(Humming)
Deciadadum,ladadedeOldsexyHedyisinthere,takingashower...
(Dances.)AndI'vegotalittlesomethingupmysleeve....Ole'!
(Dances.)That'sgoingtoputlittleoldFinchyrightoutonhis
(Kicksfloorwithheel.DanceisinterruptedbyelevatorstageR.dooropeningFINCHcomesout.)
Oh,hello.,Finch.
FINCHWhat'sthisallabout,Bud?
(CrossesL.toBUD.)BUD
J.B.wantsyoutogotohisoffice.He'llmeetyouthere.
FINCH(Puzzled)
ButIjustsawhim.Hedidn'tsayanything.
BUDIguesshedidn'twanttosayanythinginfrontofOvington.Youknowhowitgoesaroundherewithadvertisingmanagers.
FINCH(CrossesL.belowBUD)
Doyouthinkyouruncleisconsidering...
BUD
Idon'tknowanything.IonlyknowIwastoldtotellyoutogotohisoffice.
FINCH
Well,I'veneverseenhisoffice,anyway.Thanks,Bud.
(HegoesL.)BUD
You'rewelcomeNowtogetmyuncle.
(BUDgoesintoroutineconsistingofthefollowing:Ashecrosses,hesings.)Good‐bye,Finchy‐Hello,UncleJasper
(HebreaksintoawildsambaandleapsO.S.R)Ole'!
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79 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#17a–EtherealGrandeur(Orchestra)
Scene14
(J.B.BIGGLEY'sOFFICE.Avery,beautiful,lushoffice.Twosumsoneithersideofthelargecenterwindow.DeskandbighighbackedchairC.ThereisalsoasmallanteroomD.L.withasecretary'sdeskvisibletotheaudience.Thereisadoorpane!toenterBIGGLEY'SofficeL.abovesecretary'sdesk.InthemainofficethereisadoorU.R.leadingtotheprivatebathandshowerOnrisenooneisonstage.FINCHentersD.L.,entersthroughanteroomdoor,walksintoBIGGLEY'office.Hehasneverbeeninherebeforeandhisattitudeshowsit.Helooksaroundinadmirationandawe.CrossesabovedeskR.Feelsthesofa,touchestheglassonthewindowC.,slideshishandoverthetopofthechair,swingschairaroundtofaceaudience.Thisiswhathewouldliketohavehimselfsomeday.Hesitsinchair.)
FINCH
(Addressingtheworldatlarge)
Someday,someday...
(BathroomdoorU.R.opensslowly.HEDYappears.FINCHdoesn'tseeher.Heissittinginthechairandlostinhisdreams.HEDYsneaksabovedesktoL.sideofthechair,putsherhandsoverhiseyes.)
HEDY
Guesswho?
FINCH
(Feelsbehindhim)Mr.Biggley?
HEDY
(Droppingherhands)No,it'sme!
FINCH
(Rises,turns,looksstartled)Oh,hi,Hedy.IwassupposedtomeetMr.Biggleyhere.
HEDYMr.Biggley?He'snotcoming.Somebodygaveyouaburnsteer.
FINCHIshouldhaveknownitwasarib.Well,I'dbetter
(StartsfordoorL.,butHEDYcrossesD.betweenhimandthedoor.)
HEDYWhat'syourhurry?
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FINCHIthinkI’dbetterbacktotheparty.
HEDYIt'smorefundownhere.
FINCHWell,IthinkI'dbetter.
HEDYYou'reanxioustogetbacktothatRosemary,huh?Areyoustuckonher?
FINCH (CrossestoC.)Rosemary?Oh,sheandIarejustgoodfriends.
HEDY
(CrossesIttohim)
That'sverysensible.Anup‐and‐comingyoungchaplikeyoushouldn'tbetieddown.I'vebeenwatchingyou,buster.
(Shesmackshiminthestomach.)
You'regoingplaces.
(CrossesL.twosteps.)
FINCHVenezuela.Look,Hedy...
HEDY
Wouldn'tJ.B.dieifhewalkedinandfoundyoukissingme?
FINCHFrankly,I'dratherhedidn't.
HEDYComeon,let'stryit.
FINCHUhuh.
HEDYYou'dbetter,FinchIfyoudon'tkissme,I'lltellJ.B.youdid.
FINCHOkay.JustOnce.
(FINCHsitsinchairCHWysitsinhislap,kisseshim.Afterkiss,harpglissandoisPlayed.FINCHthentriestorisebutcollapsesfromaftermathofkiss."Rosemary”themeisflowheardPlayedbyTrumpet.)
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#18–Rosemary(Finch,Rosemary)
FINCH(Halfsinging)
ROSEMARY!
(Rises.)
HEDYHuh?
(OrchestraTrumpetplaysCMajortheme.)
FINCH(CrossesR.)
Can'tyouhearit? (Halfsinging.)
ROSEMARY!HEDY
Rosemary?
FINCHThatkiss
HEDYWhataboutthatkiss?
FINCHRosemary!
HEDYItishighlyinsultingtothinkoftwobroadsinthemiddleofonekiss.
FINCHI'msorry,Hedy,butsomethinghappenedtome.Ican'texplain...
HEDY(Pointsathim)
Finch.Youareinlove.
(Loudcrescendoof"ROSEMARY"theme.)
FINCH(Takesfront,stunned)
That'sright!Finchisinlove!It'slikemusicallaroundme.Likeasymphony.Imusthavebeeninloveeversinceshetookmyparticulars.
HEDY
(CrossesR.tohim)Andyoufoundthisoutbykissingme?
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FINCHYes,Hedy.
HEDYIdon'tknowmyownstrength.
(ShegoesU.R.intobathroom.FINCHraiseshisarms,abouttoconductinvisableorchestra.Heindicatesdownbeat.)
FINCH
SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME...
(Looksaround.)
ROSEMARY(CrossesR.)
ROSEMARY(CrossesD.R.)
WASTHEMELODYLOCKEDINSIDEME,TILLATLASTOUTITCAME…ROSEMARY!
(CrossesD.L.)
ROSEMARY,(CrossestoC.)
JUSTIMAGINEIFWEKISSED,WHATACRESCENDO
(Raiseshishandhigh,closeseyes,slowlydropshand.)
NOTTOBEMISSED.(Crossesit)
ASFORTHERESTOFMYLIFETIMEPROGRAM,GIVEMEMOREOFTHESAME
(Fallsandrollsonfloor.)
ROSEMARY.ROSEMARY,THEREISWONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERYSOUNDOFYOURNAME.
(StaysonfloorD.R.)
ROSEMARY
(EntersL.throughanteroomandcrossesR.toedgeofdesk)Ponty,IheardBudFrumptalkingattheparty.Whereisshe?
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83 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH(Rises,crossesL.toher)Rosemary,somethingwonderfulhashappened.
ROSEMARY
Whatareyoutalkingabout?
FINCHCan'tyouhearit?Can'tyouhearit?
(Sings)
SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME...
ROSEMARY
Ican'thearathing.FINCH
ROSEMARY...
(Spoken)Justlisten.It'sallaroundme,likeabeautifulpinksky...
ROSEMARY
(CrossesIttohim)Nowlookhere,J.PierrepontFinch,haveyoulostyourmind?
FINCH
Rosemary,darling,willyoumarryJ.PierrepontFinch?
ROSEMARY
NowIhearit!Ihearit!
(CrossesL.)Ihearit!Ihearit!
(Sings)
SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME
(FINCHcrossesR.)
J.PIERREPONT.
(TheybothcrosstoeachotherC.)
FINCH
ROSEMARY,JUSTIMAGINEIFWEKISSEDWHATACRESCENDO...(Theykiss,holditwhilepianoconcertoisplayed.Atendofconcerto,theybreakkiss,remainholdinghands,turnfront.)
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84 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BOTH
NOTTOBEMISSED.
FINCH
ASFORTHERESTOFMYLIFETIMEPROGRAMGIVEMEMOREOFTHESAME
(TheybothcrossR.)
FINCH ROSEMARYROSEMARY. J.PIERREPONT,
J.PIERREPONT. (BOTHcrossL.ofC.)
ROSEMARY, J.PIERREPONT,
BOTHTHEREISWONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERYSOUNDOFYOURNAME.
(Aftersongtheyembrace.)
FINCH (R.ofROSEMARY)Ohhoney,I'vebeensowrappedupintryingtogetaheadthatInever...
(HEDYreentersU.R.,wearingnothingbutabigtowel.ROSEMARYseesherbutFINCHdoesn't.ROSEMARYnowlooksverycarefullyatFINCHashetalks.)
...realized.It'sasthoughI'mseeingyouforthefirsttime.
ROSEMARY
(Coldly)AndI'mseeingyouforthefirsttime.Youhaveontwodifferentkindsoflipstick.Mine (PointstoHEDY)...andhers.
FINCH(CrossesR.toHEDY,startled)
Rosemary,thisisveryeasilyexplained.
(CrossesL.tobelowchair.)Youdon'tunderstand.
ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)
Yes,Ido.Well,don'tletmekeepyou.Goon.Gobacktomakinglovetoher.Kissheragain.Takeherhomefortheweekend.Idon'tcare!
(SheturnsandwalksoutL.)
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85 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
(TurnstoHEDY)
WhatwillIdo?
HEDYLet'sdowhatshesaid.
(ROSEMARYstopsinanteroomassheseessomethingoffstageL.)
ROSEMARYOhoh!
(Sheconiesrushingback,crossesbelowFINCHtoL.ofHEDY,addressesHEDY.)Getbackinthere.
HEDYIhavenothingtohide.
ROSEMARYYes,youhave,andkeepithidden.
(HEDYgoesthroughU.R.door.ROSEMARYcrossesD.toFINCH,looksathim.)Yousnake.Nowkissme.
(Shegrabshim.Theykissandholdit.BIGGLEYandBUDenterL.inanteroom.BUDgoesL.,lookingsatisfiedthathisplanhasbeenputintoaction.BIGGLEYentersoffice,crossesR.toFINCHandROSEMARY,stopsdeadasheseesROSEMARY,notHEDY,inclinchwithFINCH.)
BIGGLEY
OhI'msorry.Ithought
(Theyseparateandlookathim.)
FINCHUh
ROSEMARYOh,it'smyfault,Mr.Biggley.IinsistedthatMr.Finchshowmeyouroffice.
BIGGLEY(Recovering)
Isee.Well,actually,Ijustcameintowashup.
(HestartsU.abovedeskforbathroomU.R.AsBIGGLEYgoesabovedeskROSEMARYSwiftlybeatshimtoit.FINCHcrossesL.ofdesktowatch.)
ROSEMARY
(Atbathroomdoor)
Excuseme.
(Slamsdoor.)
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86 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY
(Facescloseddoorinapuzzledmanner.Heturnsback,crossesD.toR.ofFINCH)Finch,Ioweyouanapology
FINCHYoudo?Forwhat?
BIGGLEY
Nevermind.However,IwantyoutoknowIstilldonotapproveofwhatyouweredoingwhenIwalkedin.Idonotcareforanythinglikethatbetweenexecutivesandtheirsecretaries.
FINCHButMissPilkingtonisnotmysecretary.
BIGGLEY
Oh,yes.Goodpoint.
(CrossesL.belowFINCH.,startingoff.FINCHcounterstoR.ofC.BRATTandOVINGTONenterfrornanteroomD.L)
BRATT
Wefiguredyoumightbehere,J.B.We'vebeenwaitingforyou.
OVINGTON
(CrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY,)Ihaven'tfinishedmyspeechyet.
BIGGLEYYoumadeafinespeech.
FINCH
Yes,youdid,Mr.Ovington.Verygoodspeech.
(CrossesL.)
BRATTOvington,thisisMr.FinchofPlansandSystems.
FINCHHowdoyoudo,Mr.Ovington.
OVINGTONHowdoyoudo?
(HeandFINCHshakehands.)
FINCH
Ididn'tgetachancetotellyouattheparty,Mr.OvingtonbutI'mveryinterestedinadvertisingandI'vereadalotaboutyouinFortuneMagazine.Somewonderfulstuff.
OVINGTONThankyou.
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87 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHBytheway,Mr.Biggley,didyouknowthatMr.OvingtonwasanAll‐Americanhalfbackatcollege?
(CrossesR.)
BIGGLEYIsthatso?Wheredidyouplay,Ovington?
OVINGTON
Thegreatestlittlecollegeintheworld‐NorthernState.
BIGGLEY
(HeandFINCHexchangeglances)Achipmunk!
(CrossesIttoFINCH,butkeepslookingatOVINCTON.FINCHlooksfrontandsmiles.)
OVINGTONIsureamaChipmunk.DidyouseethewaywemurderedtheGroundhogslastSaturday?
BIGGLEYOvington,I'mnotabigot.I'vehiredmenfromallcolleges‐Tigers,Bulldogs,Trojans,Gophers,Badgers‐butnever,neveraChipmunk!
(BRATTcrossesR.toOVINGTON,takesoutapenandresignationformfrompocketandoffersittoOVINGTONtosign.)
Yourresignationisaccepted.
(OVINGTONsignsresignation.BIGGLEYandFINCHsing:)#19–RipTheChipmunk(Biggley,Finch)
BIGGLEY&FINCH
RIP!RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.
(OVINGTONstartsoffL.,stops,turns.)
OVINGTON
CHIPMUNKRAH,CHIPMUNKRAH,CHIPCHIPCHIPCHIPCHIPMUNK!
(HeexitsL.throughanteroomandoff)
BIGGLEY(CrossesD.C.)Thatwasanarrowsqueak.
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88 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHItwasabigshocktome.
BIGGLEYFinch,it'sagoodthingyou'reontheballwhenitcomestoadvertising.
BRATT
(CrossesR.toBIGGLEY)Say,J.B.,whatarewegoingtodoforanewadvertisingmanager?
BIGGLEYFinch,maybeit'sFatethatyouhappentobehereatthisverymoment.
(CrossesR.toFINCH.)You'vealwayswantedthisrottenjob.Doyouthinkyoucouldhandleit?
FINCH
(CrossesR.twosteps)
Idon'tknow,sir.
BIGGLEY
(ToBRATT)Ifthere'sonethingIadmireina,man,it'shumility.
(BRATTlooksaway.ToFINCH.)Finch,I'mmakingyouvicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.
FINCH
Me?Avicepresident.?BRATT
J.B.,Idon'twanttoquestionyourdecision.Finchisverybright,buthe'sratherinexperiencedand...
BIGGLEYIlikehim.
BRATTIlikehim.
(Throwsuphandsinresignation.)
BIGGLEY
Ithinkwe'vehitonsomethinghere,Bratt.Thisboyisloadedwithgreatideas.
BRATTIdeas?Tellussomeofthem,Finch.
FINCH
Well,Ihaven'thadtimetofigurethem...
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89 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY(Quicklycuttingin)
Comeon,Finch.
(CrossesoneStepR.)Wherearethoseideas?
FINCHWell,sir,I...
BIGGLEYPutuporshutup,son.
FINCHWell,thethingis
BIGGLEY
Getontheballoryou'llbeoutofherelikeashot.
FINCHBut,sir,I'dliketobeabletogiveyouaclear‐cutcampaign
BRATT(CrossingIttoFINCH)
Say,J.B.,thePlansBoardismeetingdayaftertomorrow.Finchcantellusa!!hisideasthen.
BIGGLEYFine.Finch,you'vegotforty‐eighthourstomakeanadvertisingpresentation.
(StartsoffL.withBRATT,stopsandturnstoFINCH.)
Bettergetgoing,Finch.You'renowavicepresidentinfullchargeofadvertisingand,frankly,uptonowI'mprettydissatisfiedwithyourwork.
(HeandBRATTexitL.)FINCH
Idon'tcarewhathappens.I'mavicepresident.VicePresidentFinch.
(CrossesU.L.todesk,picksupphone.)
Hello,getmethestationeryshopdownstairs.Hello,thisisMr.Finch.RememberthosecardsIspoketoyouaboutlastweek?Goaheadandprintthemrightaway.
(Hangsup.)Nowlet'sseewhat.
(Suddenlyremembersgirls,calls.)Oh,girls,youcancomeoutnow.
(HEDYandROSEMARYcomeout.HEDYisnowbackinherParisoriginaldress.)
HEDYThanks,Rosemary.
(CrossesL.abovedesk,startingoff)
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90 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH(CrossesFL)
Rosemary,I'vegotasurpriseforyou.I'vebeenmadeavicepresident.
HEDY(stops)
Congratulations.CanIbeyoursecretary?
FINCHGee,I'dlovethat,Hedy,butRosemaryisgoingtobemysecretary.
(ROSEMARYturnsherbacktoFINCH.)
HEDYI'llgobacktothestenopool.
(SitegoesL.,stopsinanteroom.)GuessI'llwaitforthatpigeontillafterhe'smarried.
(SheexitsofL.)FINCH
(CrossesFL,tapsROSEMARYonshoulder)
Rosemary?
ROSEMARY(Stillturnedaway)
I'mgoingtobeyoursecretary?
(Turnstohim.)FINCH
Sure.YouwereMr.Ovington'ssecretary...
(CrossesL.)...andnowI'mtakingoverhiswholedepartment.
ROSEMARY
(CrossesL.tohim)AndwhatmakesyouthinkI'dbeyoursecretary.I'dratherdie.
FINCHRosemary,youmust.Youhaveto.I'minchargeofadvertisingnow.Youknowwhatatoughjobthatis.IcanonlydoitifIhaveyourhelp.Rosemary,Ineedyou.
ROSEMARYYoudo?
(FINCHnodsyes.Shethinksforamoment.)Well,inthatcase...Allright,I'llbeyoursecretary.
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91 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHWonderful.Nowlet'sgettowork.
(StartsoffL.)
ROSEMARYJustlikethat?Haven'tyouforgottensomething?
FINCH
Oh,yeah.
(Stops,crossesbacktodesk,picksUpphone.)Hello,operator.Whopaintsnamesonofficedoors?
ROSEMARYFinch,aren'tyougoingtokissme?
FINCHKissYou?Ican't.
ROSEMARYWhynot?
FINCHYou'remysecretary.Waitaminute,Rosemary.
(Intophone.)Hello,namepainter?#20–FinaleActOne(Rosemary,Finch,Bud)
(ROSEMARYturnsfront.)
ROSEMARY"Waitaminute,Rosemary.Hello,namepainter?"
(BUDentersD.L.,opensdoorandsticksheadintoofficetoeavesdrop.)
FINCHThisisMr.Finch.Iwantmynameonmydooringoldleaf.
BUDOh!
(Collapses,holdingontodoor)
FINCHJ.PIERREPONTFINCHJ.PIERREPONT!
ROSEMARYSUDDENLYTHEREISMUSIC
FINCHALLCAPITALS!
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ROSEMARY
INTHESOUNDOFMYNAME…
FINCH
YES,BLOCKLETTERS!JAYPIERREPONT!
FINCH ROSEMARY BUD
ROSEMARY (BydoorD.L.)
(CrossesR.)
VICEPRESIDENT VICEPRESIDENT!INCHARGEOF THEREMUSTBEA
WAYADVERTISING ROSEMARY… TOSTOPHIM,F‐I‐N‐C‐H. THEREMUSTBE!
THEREMUST! ALLOFMYLIFETIME PROGRAMWILLBE THEUSUALSPELLING… MOREOFTHESAME. JAYPIERREPONT… JAYPIERREPONT JAYPIERREPONT (Hangsupphone.) REMEMBERME, (CrossesU.R.) ROSEMARY… ICAN'TSTANDIT.
BOY,WHENYOU WHATEVERSEEITONYOUR HAPPENEDTO (Sits.)(Rises.)
OWNDOOR ROSEMARY?THEREIS THEREIS
(CrossesD.R.)
WONDERFULMUSIC WONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERY INTHEVERY IWILLRETURN!SOUNDOFYOURNAME. SOUNDOFYOURNAME. IWILLRETURN!
ENDOFACTONE
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93 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#21–Entr’acte(Orchestra)
ACTTWOSceneI#22–OpeningAct2(Orchestra)
(THEOUTEROFFICE.AlloftheOFFICEGIRLS,izcltit1iiigSMITTY,aresittingaround,gossiping.BUDFRUMPisstandingL.ofC.belowrowofdesks,crossesR.toTACKABERRY)'whoisstandingR.ofC.withTOYNBEE.Hewhisperssomethingtothem,theyexitR.BRATTenters(J.R.fromtheexecutivesuite,crossesDR.ofC.BUDturns,crossesL.tohimandwhisperssomethingtohim.BRATTcrossesL.andsits.JENKINSentersL.,BUDcrossestohimstoppinghimL.ofC.andwhisperstohim.TheGIRLSU.S.havebeenobservingtheabovebusiness.SMITTY,C.,crossesR.toMISSKRUMHOLTZ.TheybothcrossD.,observingFrumpandJenkinsstageR.)
SMITTYThere'ssurealotofwhisperinggoingontoday.
MISSKRUMHOLTZIt'stheMerchandiseMafiaatwork.
(BUDandJENKINSexitL.)EversinceFinchbecameavicepresident,they'veallbeenscaredoutoftheirwits.When'sthebigmeeting.?
SMITTYIt'ssetforthisafternoon.IhopePontycomesupwithsomething.
(ROSEMARYentersU.R.fromtheexecutivesuite.Sheisdressedfordeparture:hat,bag,etc.SMITTYcrossestoher.MISSKRUMHOLTZcrossesU.tothegirlsatthedesks.)
Whereareyougoing?
ROSEMARY(C.)
Home.
SMITTYAtteno'clockinthemorning?
ROSEMARYI'veresigned.I'mquitting.
SMITTYNonsense.You'vebeenthreateningthatallweek.
ROSEMARYThistimeit'sofficial.
(CrossesR.)Ileftaletterofresignationonhisdesk.Waittillhereadsit.
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94 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SMITTY(CrossesR.)
But,uh
ROSEMARYSmitty,Ijustcan'ttakeitanymore.Idon'tmindapersonignoringmecompletelyaslongashepaysalittleattention.
(CrossesR.)Smitty,hedoesn'tneedme.
SMITTY
(CrossesR.)Hedidtellyouhelovedyouandthathewantedtomarryyou.
(THREEGIRLSdriftdowntoheartheconversation.)
ROSEMARYSssshh,Smitty,thatwassupposedtobeasecret.
SMITTYOh,don'tworry.Ihaven'ttoldanybody.
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
(L.ofSMITTY)What'sthematter?
SMITTYRosemaryisresigningfromFinch.
FIRSTGIRL
(L.ofMISSKRUMHOLTZ)ButIthoughthewasgoingtomarryher.
SECONDGIRL(L.ofFIRSTGIRL)
That'swhatIthought.
MISSKRUMHOLTZMe,too.
(SMITTYcrossesL.,tryingtoshushtheGIRLSasROSEMARYcrossesL.toSMJTTY,looksatheraccusingly.)
SMITTY
(Apologetically)Ionlytoldthegirls.
(ToGIRLS.)Don'tworry.Shewillforgivehim.
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95 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ROSEMARYNever!
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
(TakesROSEMARYU.S.toseconddeskfromC.)
SMITTY
(CrossesU.toL.ofROSEMARY)Look,Rosemary,there'sonethingyoucan'toverlook‐that'sloyalty.
ROSEMARYI'vebeenveryloyaltohim.
SMITTYIdon'tmeantohim.Imeantous...usgirls.
GIRLSThat'sright.Sure.Uhhuh.Etc.#23–Cinderella,Darling(Smitty,Rosemary,Girls)
SMITTYHOWOFTENDOESITHAPPENTHATASECRETARY'SBOSSWANTSTOMARRY'ER?
GIRLS
HALLELUJAH!SMITTY
HOWOFTENDOESTHEDREAMCOMETRUE
WITHOUTASIGNOFCONFLICTORBARRIER?
GIRLS
HALLELUJAH!
SMITTYWHYTREATAMANLIKEHEWASATYPHOIDCARRIER?HOWOFTENCANYOUFLYFROMTHJLANDOFCARBONPAPER
(FOURGIRLScrossD.L.)
TOTHELANDOFFLOWER'DCHINTZ?
GIRLSHALLELUJAH!
SMITTY
HOWOFTENDOESACINDERELLAGETACRACKATTHEPRINCE?
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GIRLS
CINDERELLAANDTHEPRINCE!
ROSEMARY
Cinderella?Wait,aminute.I'mnoCinderella.I'vegoteighty‐fivedollarsinthebankandasavingsbond.
SMITTY
It'notamatterofmoney.He'savicepresident.Thatmakeshimautomaticallyaprince.True?
GIRLSTrue?
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
So,you'reautomaticallyaCinderella.
AGIRLSee?
(ShoveswastepaperbasketonROSEMARY'sfootasaglassslipper.)
SMITTYDon'tyourealize...
(Sings)YOU'REAREAL,LIVEFAIRYTALE;ASYMBOLDIVINE.SO,IFNOTFORYOUROWNSAKE,PLEASE,DARLING,FORMINE.
GIRLSANDMINE,ANDMINE,ANDMINE.DON'T,DON'T,DON'T,CINDERELLA,DARLING,DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE!
SMITTY
DON'TREWRITEYOURSTORY;
(CrossesD.L.)
YOU'RETHELEGEND,THEFOLKLORE,THEWORKINGGIRL'SDREAMOFGLORY!
(ROSEMARYcrossesD.C.GIRLSgatheraround.) ALLWEWERERAISEDONYOU,DARLING,
ANDWE'VELOVEDYOUEVERSINCE.(Theybackaway.)
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97 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ALLDON'TMESSUPAMAJORMIRACLE,
DON'T,CINDERELLA,(TheyallcrosstoROSEMARY)
DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCF.(GIRLtakeswastebasketoffherfoot.)
SMITTYOH,LETUSLIVEITWITHYOUEACHHOUROFEACHDAY.
FIRSTGIRL
ONFROMBERGDORFGOODMAN...
SECONDGIRL
TOELIZABETHARDEN
THIRDGIRLINTHESTATIONWAGON...
FOURTHGIRL
HURRYFROMTWENTY‐ONE...
FIFTHGIRLTOTHETARRYTOWNP.T.A.
ROSEMARY
No.NewRochelle!
GIRLSNEWROCHELLEP.T.A.,PLEASE!
SMITTYOH,DONOTLEAVEUSMINUS,
GIRLS
PLEASE!
SMITTYOURVICARIOUSBONUS,
GIRLS
PLEASE!
(DANCERtakesboxoftissuesfromdesk,crossesD.andplacesatissueonROSEMARY'Shead.ANOTHERDANCER.foldspieceofpaperasflowerbouquet,handsittoROSEMARY)
SMITTYWEWANTTOSEEHISHIGHNESS
GIRLS
PLEASE!
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98 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SMITTYMARRIEDTOYOURLOWNESS.
(ALLkneel)
GIRLS
AH
SMITTY
ONYOU,CINDERELLA,SITSTHEONUS,
GIRLSAH
SMITTY
SOWHENYOUNAMETHEHAPPYDAY,PLEASEPHONEUS,
(Theyrise.)
ALLPHONEUS!BUTDON'T,DON'T,DON'T,CINDERELLA,DARLING,DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE.
(CrossU.L)
SMITTYWHYSPOILOURENJOYMENT;YOU'RETHEFABLE,THESYMBOLOFGLORIFIEDUNEMPLOYMENT!
(TheylineuponeithersideofROSEMARY.)
ALLWEWERERAISEDONYOU,DARLING,
(ALLcloseinandhugher.)
ANDWE'VELOVEDYOUEVERSINCE.DON'TLOUSEUPOURFAV'RITEFAIRYTALE;DON'T,CINDERELLA,
(ALLbackaway.)DON'T,DON'T,DON'T;DON'T,CINDERELLA,DON'T,DON'T,DON'T;DON'T,.CINDERELLA,DON'T!DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE!
ROSEMARY
AllrightI'llgivehimonemorechance.
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99 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ALLHALLELUJAH!
Scene2
(FINCH'SNEWADVERTISINGOFFICE.OnriseanoverhangingspeciallightpicksFINCHupathisdesk.FINCHisreadingthebook.)
BOOKVOICE
Soyouarenowavicepresident.Youhaveclimbedtheladderofsuccessrung,bypainfulrung,untilyouhavealmostreachedthetop.Youhavedonebeautifully.Unlessyouarevicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.Inthatcaseyouareinterribletrouble.Thereisonlyonethingthatcansaveyou.Youmustgetabrilliantidea.Thequickestwaytogetideasistodevelopthem.Thatis,youmustexaminetheundeveloped,worthlessnotionsofothersandaddtothemthatextrasomethingthatmakestheideayourown.Anundevelopednotionmaycomefromtheleastlikelysource.Bealert!Youneverknowwhowillbringittoyou.
(BUDentersL.)
BUDHi,Ponty.
FINCHHello,Bud.
(Rises.)BUD
SorryIbustedin,buttherewasnooneoutside.
(Lookingaround,crossesittoFINCH'Sdesk.)FirsttimeI'veseenyournewoffice.
(PeeksatwhatisonPINCH'Sdesk.FINCHquicklyturnsoverpapers.)Quitealayout.Myfavorite.style‐ChineseProvincial.
(CrossesL.,Sits.)Isupposeyou'rewonderingwhyI'mhere.
FINCH
(CrossesD.R.ofdesk)Frankly,yes.
BUD (Rises,crossesit)Ponty,Iwantyouandmetobefriends.Youknow,smokumpeacepipe.You'veneverlikedme.
FINCH(CrossesL.towardsBUD)
Oh,Bud…
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100 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUDDon'tdenyit.Itstrue,andIdon'tblameyou.I'vebeenano‐goodback‐bitingfink.
FINCH
Oh,Bud,that'sabitstrong.BUD
Howwouldyouputit?
FINCHIguessyourwayisbest.
BUDWellI'dliketochangeallthat.
(CrossesittoFINCH.)NowIknowyou'restuckforanidea,andIwasthinking...
FINCH
Nowwaitaminute,Bud.Iamnotstuck.BUD
(Goingon)Iwasthinkingthatgive‐awayshowsaregoingtocomebackand...
FINCH
Idon'tneedanyoneelse'sideasand...
(Suddentake.)Whatwasthat?
BUD (Verycasual)Well,Ihavethisideaforagive‐awayprogram.It'scalledtheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.Wehideathousanddollarsavingsbondsomewhereandeveryweekontelevisionwegivecluesastowhereitis.
(PutsscriptintoFINCH'Shands.)Look,asyousay,youdon'tneedanidea,butletmeleavethiswithyouandifyougetachance,lookitover.Becausethemeeting'sinafewlittlewhile.Imeanit'ssoon.
(Drawsfingeracrossthroat.StartsoffL.)
FINCHUh,Bud
(BUDstops.)
Whatdidyourunclesaywhenyoutoldhimaboutthis?
BUD
Ihaven'ttoldittohim,Ponty.IfIbroughtittohim,hewouldn'tlisten.That'sIbroughtittoyou.
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101 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
Youhaven'ttoldittoyouruncle?BUD
No,Ponty.
(CrossesR.toFINCH,reachesformanuscript.)Look.if you’renotinterested…
FINCH(Keepingscript)
Well,Bud,theideadoesn'tgivememuchnourishmentbutmaybeI'llgiveitabitofathink‐think.
BUDFeelfreetouseit.
(HestartsL.,stopsandsings.)#24–IHaveReturned(Bud)
(BUD)
IHAVERETURNED. (HegoesL.)
FINCH
(Leftalone,looksatmanuscriptcarefully,crossesabovedesk)Treasurehunt.Couldbe.Athousanddollarbond.Thisthingneedssomekindofanewtwist.(ROSEMARYentersL.)
ROSEMARY
Ponty,I'mback.Ichangedmymind.
(CrossesR.toR.ofC.)
FINCH(Stilllostinthought)
Oh,MissPilkington.
ROSEMARY
(CrossesR.todesk)Idon'tblameyouforbeingcoldtome.ButIdidchangemymind.
FINCH(Crossesbackabovedesk,stillpreoccupiedwithmanuscript)
Aboutwhat?
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102 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ROSEMARY
AboutwhatIsaidintheletter.
FINCHWhatletter?
ROSEMARYMyletterofresignation.
FINCHYourresignationfromwhat?
ROSEMARYTheGirlScoutsofAmerica.
FINCHOh.
ROSEMARYDon'tyouunderstand?
(Shepicksupletterofresignationfromdesk,showsittohimslamsitdown,thencrossesL.bysettee.)
I'vequit,resigned,leftyouforever!
FINCHWhyareyoudoingthat?
ROSEMARY(Yelling)
BecauseIwas.hurt,humiliated,ignored,upset!
FINCH(Startled)
Whodidthattoyou?
ROSEMARYYou.
FINCH
Me.Itcouldn'thavebeenme.Ihaven'tsaidtenwordstoyouallweek.
(ROSEMARYstaresathim.)True?
ROSEMARYTrue.(Shesitsonsettee.)
FINCHGood.Nowlisten,MissPilkington.
ROSEMARYMustyoucallmethat?Can'tyoucallmeRosemary?
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103 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHNo.AndIwantyoutocallmeMr.Finch,untilyou'reMrs.Finch.
ROSEMARY(Dreamysmile)
AmIreallygoingtobe.Mrs.Finch?
FINCH(CrossesL.belowdesktohe,)
Oh,comeon.Ithoughtthatwasallsettled.
ROSEMARYIkeepthinkingmaybeyouforgot.
FINCHWell,Ihaven't.You'regoingtobeMrs.Finchbecausewe'regoingtobemarried.Now,maywediscusssomeseriousmatters?
ROSEMARYOh,sure.
FINCHMissPilkington,IhavesomethingIwantyoutohear.
(Crossesitabovedesk.)Ihavefinallycomeupwithanewideaforatelevisionprogram.I'mthinkingofcallingittheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.
(CrossestoC.)Theprizewouldbeathousanddollarbond.Doyouthinkthat'senough?
(ROSEMARYlooksathimraptly,doesn'tanswer.FINCHcrossesL.toher.)Maybeweoughttomakethattwenty‐fivethousanddollars.Listencarefully,Rosemary.
(CrossestoC.)Whatwouldyousayifwegaveawayahundredthousanddollars?
(Shedoesn'tanswer.Hecrossestoheratsettee.)Twohundredthousand?
ROSEMARYIdon'tcareifyougiveawaythewholecompany.Iloveyou.
FINCH(Staresather,thenlooksfrontwithahappysmileonhisfaces)Saythatagain.
ROSEMARYIloveyou.
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104 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
No,beforethat.
ROSEMARY(Puzzled)
IsaidIdon'tcareifyougiveawaythewholecompany.
FINCH
(CrossesR.)That'sit!We'llgiveawaythecompany.Whataprize!Oh,Idon'tmeanthewholecompany.
(CrossesR.belowdesk.)Imeanstock.Inthecompany.Nobodycouldresistthatthesedays.I'vegottohavetimetoworkthisout.I'vegottospeaktoMr.Biggley.
(Hepicksupphone.ROSEMARYrises,crossestohim.)He'sgottogivemeapostponement.
(Hangsup.)No,I'llgoseehim.
ROSEMARY
Goodluck,Mr.Finch.
FINCH
Thankyou,MissPilkington.
(HestartsoffL.)
ROSEMARY
Say
(Hestopsandlooksather.)Whatabouttakingmetolunch?Nobodyhastoseeus.
FINCH(Reprovingly)
MissPilkington.
ROSEMARY(Withasmile)
I'msorryMr.Finch.
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105 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#25–HappytoKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise)(Rosemary)
(HeexitsL.)
ROSEMARY
OH,TOBELOVEDBYAMANWITHAGOAL,TOWATCHASHECLIMBSWITHAPURPOSEINLIFEANDPURITYOFSOUL.OH,TOBETHEREINACORNEROFHISMIND;DARLING,ABSENTMIND...SUCHHEAVEN
(CrossesL.tosettee.)
WEARINGTHEWIFELYUNIFORMWHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.
(Sitsonsettee.)HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.
(Ridesoffonsettee.)
#25a–Knitorama(Orchestra)
Scene3
(BIGGLEY'SOFFICE.BIGGLEYissittingatdesk,knitting.HEDYentersfromL.,headsfordoortoinneroffice.Shegoesin,goestoBIGGLEY,staresatFilmsandattheknitting.)
HEDY
(L.ofBIGGLEY)
Areyoupregnantorsomething?
BIGGLEY
(Startled,dropsknitting,rises)Huh?Oh,Iwasjustub...uh...checkingonsomenewplasticyarn...Hedy,Itoldyouneverto...
(BUDhaswalkedinbehindHEDY.BIGGLEYsuddenlyseeshim.)Whatthehelldoyouwant?
(HEDYcrossesU.S.toC.,looksoutwindow.)
BUD
J.B.,yourememberthattelevisionideaIoncetoldyouabout...thetreasurehunt?
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106 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY(CrossesL.toBUD)
ItoldyouwhatIthoughtofthattreasurehunt.
BUD
Ijustwantedtoremindyouthatyoudidn'tlikeit.
(HeexitsL.BIGGLEYopensdoor,looksaround.1IEDYcrossesD.R.,waitingimpatiently.BIGGLEYclosesdoor,crossesDR.belowdesktoHEDY.)
BIGGLEY
Darling,I'vetoldyouthatduringofficehoursIcan'tmeetwithyou.
HEDY
Ididnotintendtoembarrassyou.Ijustcameforabusinesspurpose.
BIGGLEY
Business?HEDY
Iwishtotenderyouwithmyresignation.
BIGGLEYYourresignation?Whatareyougoingtodo?
HEDY
I'monmywaytoLosAngeles.I'vebeenofferedaverysuitablepositionthere.
BIGGLEYLosAngeles?Hedy,youcan't.Tellmewhatthisisallabout.
HEDYIjustgotaletterfromagirlfriend.She'sworkingforabigcosmeticfirmoutthere.Shedemonstratesskincreams
BIGGLEY(Horrified)
Skincream
HEDYYes.Inallthosebigglamorousdepartmentstores.Andshecangetmeajob.
BIGGLEYThat'sundignified.Youcan'trunarounddemonstratingsomefakegoo.
HEDY(Indignant)
Itisnotafake.It'saveryfineskincreamcalledDermoblast.Doyouknowwhatit'smadefrom?
BIGGLEYPlease,don'ttellme.
HEDYIt'smadefromsharkbellyjelly.
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107 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEYIwasafraidofthat.Yousaidyouwantedacareer.Whatkindofafutureisthereinsharkbellies?
HEDYMorethanthereisaroundhere.Notasingleguyaroundherewillusemeashissecretary.
(CrossesR.)TheystayawayfrommelikeIhadanextremelytropicaldisease.
BIGGLEYHedy,ifyoucouldjustbepatient.
HEDYNo.I'vemadeupmymind.Bonvoyage.
(ShestartsOffL.)
BIGGLEYWell,goodluck,dear.
(SitsinchairC.)
HEDY
(Stops,turns)Huh?
BIGGLEYI'llmanagesomehow.OnlyhowwillIspendthoselonelynights?
HEDYYoucouldstayhome.
BIGGLEYIcan'tstayhome.I'mamarriedman
HEDYOh,you'lldoallright.
BIGGLEYHedy,Ican'tlivewithoutyou.
HEDY
(CrossesR.toBIGGLEY)Youmeanthat?
BIGGLEY
(Rises,crossesD.C.)OfcourseIdo.IknowIseemtohaveeverything.OldrichJ.B.Biggley.OldMoneybags.Peoplecometomewithtreasurehunts.Mydayisspenttalkingmoney.Andwhatdoesitallmean?Nothing.Hedy,nothingmeansanythingwithoutyou.
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108 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#26–LoveFromAHeartOfGold(Biggley,Hedy)
HEDY
(CrossesD.C.tohisL.)Nowwaitaminute.Don'tstartgettingsincere.That'snotfair.
BIGGLEYWHEREWILLIFINDATREASURELIKETHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD;
(ReachesoverandholdsHEDY'Shand.)
EVERTRUSTINGANDSWEET,ANDAWAITINGMYPLEASURE;(Letsgoofherhand.)
RAINORSHINE…HOTORCOLD…WEALTHFARBEYONDALLMEASURE,MAYBEHEREINMYHANDSIHOLD.
(HEDYturnsU.S.,takesouthandkerchief)
AH,BUTWHEREWILLIFINDTHATONETREASUREOFTREASURES,THELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD.
HEDY(Sheturnstohim)Ineverknewyoufeltthatway.
BIGGLEYNooneknowsthis,butI'mextremelyemotional.
HEDYGoddammit,soamI.
WHEREWILLIFINDATREASURELIKETHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD;EVERTRUSTINGANDSWEETANDAWAITINGMYPLEASURE;RAINORSHINE
BIGGLEY
RAINORSHINEHEDY
HOTORCOLD BIGGLEY
HOTORCOLD HEDY
WEALTHFARBEYONDALLMEASURE,MAYBESOONINMYHANDSI'LLHOLD.
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109 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(HEDY)
AH,BUTWHEREIFINDTHATONETREASUREOFTREASURES,
(BIGGLEYpince‐nezdropsoff)
BOTHTHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD.
BIGGLEY
(Headtohead)Iknewyou'dunderstand.
HEDY
Oh,Ido,Ido.Youknow,Ihaveanideathatmightsolveeverything.
BIGGLEYWhat?
HEDYWhydon'tIbeyoursecretary?
BIGGLEY
You'reoutofyourmind.Imean,IhaveMissJones.
(CrossesL.,sitsdown.ShefollowsuptohisL.)
HEDY
IcouldassistMissJones.Icouldlearnalotfromher.
BIGGLEYHmnmmmmm.
HEDY
(WalkingquicklytodoorL.andopeningit)Youdon'twantmeasyoursecretary.
(FINCHentersstageL.Hestopsbelowdoorandhearsthatsomethingprivateisgoingon.)
BIGGLEY(Rises,stopsher)
Wait,Hedyjustbepatient.
HEDY(Verysweetly)
Allright,dear.I'llbepatient.
(Changestone.)I'llgiveyoutwenty‐fourhours.Afterthatit'sgoodbyeWickets,Hello,Dermoblast.
(Exitsthroughdoor.)
BIGGLEYBut,Hedy.
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110 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(Heslumpsinhischair,turnsitU.S.TRAVELERCLOSES.HEDYcrossesD.andseesFINCH,whohascrossedL.ofC.)
HEDYHi,Finchy.
(CrossesR.tohim.)Ishouldbeveryangrywithyou,Cutie‐Pie.
(Pincheshischeek)FINCH
Hello,Hedy.Where'sMissJones?IwantedtoseeMr.Biggley.
HEDYHe'snotdoinganything.Youcangoin.
(StartsoffR,crossingbelowFINCH.)
FINCHSay,Hedy
(Shestops.)Areyouquitting?
HEDYUnlessIhearotherwisetothecontrary.
FINCH(CrossestoHEDY)
Maybewecanhelpeachother.
HEDYGood.Let'sbustouttogether.
FINCHI'vegotadifferentidea.Hedy,I'dliketotalktoyoualone.Let'ssee,wherecouldwego?
HEDYLet'sgotomyplace.
FINCHThisisbusiness.
HEDYOkay,thenlet'sgotoyourplace.
FINCHUh….
HEDY
Tellyouwhat,takemeoutandbuymelunch.Whataboutoneo'clock?Meetyoudownstairs.
FINCHWell.I
HEDYDoyouwanttotalkordon'tyou?
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111 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH(Afterapause)
Okay.Butwe'dbettermeetaroundthecorner.
HEDY(StartsoffL.)
Gotcha,cutie!Chicken...!
(SheexitsL.asFINCHstartsforBIGGLEY'officecool')#26a–TheLunchDate(Orchestra)
Scene4
(MEN'SWASHROOMOFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYThereisarowofninesinksD.S.andfrarnesrepresentingmirrors.BRATT,atthirdsinkfromL.,andDAVIS,atthirdsinkfromR.,arewashingtheirhandsatsinks.PhoneU.S.L.wallRINGStwice.BRATTshakeswateroffhishands,goestophone,picksitup.)
BRATT
(Atphone)
Hello,executivewashroom.Yeah,I'mdownhere.What?Themeeting'satfour‐thirty.Comeondown.We'llmakeplans.
(Hangsup,goesbacktosink.TOYNBEEentersL.)
TOYNBEEBigmeeting'stoday,huh?
(CrossesU.andhangscoatonhookU.S.)
BRATT (Lookingatwatch)Yeah. (TACKABERRYentersL.,crossesR.JENKINSfollowshimon,crossestolastsinkL.)
TACKABERRY
HearanythingaboutwhatFinchisplanning?
(CrossesU.andhangscoatonhookU.S.)
BRATTJ.B.gavehimapostponement,SOhemusthavesomething.YOUknow,fellows,I'mreallybeginningtogetalittlescaredofFinch.
JENKINSMe,too.Ifwedon'tstophimprettysoon…
(Shakeshishead.)
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112 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT
He'llprobablyhaveusallworkinginthemailroom.
(BUDentersL.)
BUDHi,men.
(CrossesittoC.OTHERMENgreethim.)
TACKABERRYHearanything,Bud?
BUDChaps,ourworriesareover.Finchisgoingaheadwith...well,believeme,he'sdead‐dead‐dead.AndI'msohappyIcouldcry.
TACKABERRYThat'sverypleasantnews.
BRATTIdon'tknow.Finchhasawayofbouncing.Iwouldn'tbelievehewasdeadifIreadhisobituary.
BUD
(CrossesL.toBRATT)OrdinarilyI'dagreewithyou.Finchisverysmart.Butdon'tforgethe'snowinadvertising.Andthatdoessomethingtomen'sbrains.
(Suddenlystops,looksoffstageL.)Ohoh.
(CrossesR.tosecondsink,speakscasually.)HasanybodyseenmyWildrootCreamOil?
(FINCHentersL.,crossestoC.sink.MENhaveresumedwashing.)
FINCHHiyah,men.
BRATTAllsetforthebigmeeting?(BUDcrossesU.R.andhangsuphiscoat.JENKINScrossesU.L.andhangsuphiscoat.Theycrossbacktotheirrespectivesinks.)
FINCHCouldbe,couldbe,Wishmeluck,men.
ALLGoodluck.
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113 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#27–IBelieveinYou(Finch,Men)
MENGOTTASTOPTHATMAN,IGOTTASTOPTHATMANCOLD…ORHE'LLSTOPME.
(ALLsmileatFINCH.FINCHcrossesU.andhangshiscoatonhookU.C.)
BIGDEAL,BIGROCKET, THINKSHEHASTHEWORLDINHISPOCKET.
GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,THATMAN.(AllMENfadeU.S.FINCHcrossesD.toC.sink,looksathimselfinthemirrorfacingtheaudience.)
FINCHNOW,THEREYOUARE,YES,THERE'STHATFACE;THATFACETHATSOMEHOWITRUST.ITMAYEMBARRASSYOUTOHEARMESAYIT,BUTSAYITIMUST,SAYITIMUST!YOUHAVETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFASEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;YETTHERE'STHATUPTURNEDCHIN,ANDTHEGRINOFIMPETUOUSYOUTH.OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.
(CrossesL.)
IHEARTHESOUNDOFGOOD,SOLID(Picksupbarofsoap.)
JUDGMENTWHENEVERYOUTALK;YET,THERE'STHEBOLD,BRAVESPRINGOFTHETIGERTHATQUICKENSYOURWALK.
(CrossesIttoC.sink.)
OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.(Washeshands.)
ANDWHENMYFAITHINMYFELLOWMANALLBUTFALLSAPART;I'VEBUTTOFEELYOURHANDGRASPINGMINE,ANDITAKEHEART,ITAKEHEART…TOSEETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFA
(CrossesL.,picksuptowelfromlastsink.)
SEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;
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114 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(FINCH)(CrossesR.toC.sink.)
YET,WITHTHESLAM,BANG,TANGREMINISCENTOFGINANDVERMOUTH,OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,OH,IBELIEVEINYOU.
MEN(PuttingoncoatsU.S.)
GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,(MENcrossD.tosinks.)
GOTTASTOPTHATMAN(MENholdandfreezeforabeat.FINCHpicksupelectricrazorandbeginstoshave.)
ORHE'LLSTOPME.BIGWHEEL,BIGBEAVER,BOILINGHOTWITHFRONTOFFICEFEVER.GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN.
(FINCHstopsshaving.)
FINCHOH,IBELIEVEINYOU,
MEN
DON'TLETHIMBESUCHAHERO.
FINCH
IBELIEVEINYOUMEN
STOPTHATMAN,COTTASTOPHIM,
FINCH
(Lookinginmirror)
YOUMEN
STOPTHATMAN,GOTTASTOPHIM,
FINCHYOU
MEN
STOPTHATMAN,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN!(ALLlookatFINCH.Afterapplause:)
GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,(ALLcrossL.towardlastsink.FINCHcrossesU.andgetscoat.).
I'VECOTTASTOPTHATMANCOLDORHE'LLSTOPME.
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115 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(MENexitL.)FINCH
(CrossesD.toC.sink)
IBELIEVEINYOU,(HewalksofL.)
IBELIEVEINYOU.
#27a–IntoBoardRoom(Orchestra)
Scene5
(THEBOARDROOM.InthedarkwehearBOOKVOICEoverthespeaker.)
BOOKVOICE
Thefarmerspendshistimeinthefields,thelaborerathismachine,andthebusinessmanatmeetings.
(LIGHTSdimuprevealingtheboardroom.WehearORGANMUSICplayingoffstage.ThereisalargetablewiththreeconeshapedchairsoneithersideandoneU.S.forBIGGLEY.Thereisabackdropcontainingvariouschartsandmaps.TACKABERRY,DAVIS,BUD,BRAVE,JENKINSandTOYNBEEenterfroinL.TACKABERRYandDAVIScrossandstandbehindtwoD.L.chairs.BUDcrossestothirdchair.,butBRATpusheshimasideandtakeshisplace.BUDcrossesabovetabletothefirstchairU.S.R.JENKlNSfollozvshim,pusheshimD.S.tothenextchair.TOYNBEE,behindJENKINS,pushesBUDtothelastandonlyremainingchairDR.Theyallremainstandingbehindchairs.Theatmosphereisthatofahushedcathedral.BIGGLEYentersL.carrying.afolder,crossestoU.S.C.chair.ThenhenodstotheMEN,hesits,theyfollowsuit.ORGANMUSICfadesout.)
BIGGLEY
Gentlemen.
(Lookingaround.)Where'sFinch?
BRATT
(SeatedL.ofBIGGLEY)Nothereyet,sir.
BIGGLEY
We'llstartwithouthim.WehavealotofotherbusinesstotakecareofbeforewecometoFinch'spresentation.
(Pulloutpapers.Theyallareveryattentive.Lookingatpaper:)Bratt…
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116 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATT(Jumpstoattention)
Yes,J.B.?BIGGLEY
Thatstuffyourecommendedformycrabgrassdoesn'tworkatall.
BRATT
Ican'tunderstandit,J.B.Itworkedbeautifullyonmylawn.
BIGGLEY
Mylawnisamess.Bettercomeupwithsomethingnew.
BRATTRight,J.B.
BUD(SeatedD.R.)
Weneverhaveanytroublewithcrabgrassatourplace.
BIGGLEY
Whatdoyouuse?BUD
Cement.
(Theyalllookathim.)Sorry,J.B.Justalittlejoke.
BIGGLEY
Gentlemen,youwillexcusemynephew.It'sacombinationofyouth,highspiritsandextremestupidity....Now,let'ssee
(HisphoneBUZZES.Hepicksupphone.)Yes?Oh.We'vebeenwaitingforhim.Sendhimin.
(Hangsup.)It'sFinch.
(Theyalllookoffstageexpectantly.TwoOFFICEBoysenterL.carryinganeasel.TheycrossD.L.ofC.Thetitlechartreads"AFinchPresentation."FINCHfollowsfrom,L.,crossesU.toR.ofBIGGLEY.)
FINCH
(ToEXECUTIVES)Gentlemen,I'dliketopresentmynewapproachtoWicketadvertising.It'sbasedonanideawhich,inmyhumbleopinion,isbrilliant.
BIGGLEY
Soundspromising.Proceed,Finch.(FINCHclickscricket.MENremovetitlechart,disclosingapaintingofMountVesuvius.)Whatthehellisthat?
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117 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
ApictureofMountVesuvius,ineruption.ThatgivesYouanideaoftheimpactournewtelevisionshowisgoingtohave.Now,J.B.,anexample…
(Clickscricket.MENturndownpicture,revealcopyofCoverofTimewithBIGGLEYpictureonit.)
...ofthekindofnationalpublicityyoucanlookforward.
BUD(Seeingcoveroflime)
Oh,God!FINCH
ThecoverofTime.
(Clickscricket.MENdisclosecoverofNewsweekwithBIGGLEY’spictureonit.)ThecoverofNewsweek.
(Clickscricket.MENdisclosecoverofSportsillustratedwithBIGGLEYandhisgolfoutfit.)Andfinally,J.B.,theGolferoftheYear.
(EXECUTIVESreact.)BIGGLEY
VeryInteresting.FINCH
(Gettingdowntoseriousbusiness)Now
(MENdiscloselargemap.SECONDMANthenexitsD.L.topick.uptotoyrocketlaterinpresentation.)
Thisisamapofthepotentialwicketmarket,dividedintosocial,geographicandethnicgroups.Itshowshowwewillmakedeeppenetrationandoverwhelmingsaturationinthoseareaswhereresistancehaslongbeenpeakiest.
(FIRSTMANflipscard,revealingsaleschartwithredlinegoingsharplydownward.)
BIGGLEYIlikethisthinking.
FINCH(CrossesL.toeasel.)
Thankyou.Nowhereisasaleschartofthepastfiscalyear...
(CrossesR.totable.)…whichreflectsthedisastrouseffectourformeradvertisIngpolicyintermsofpercapitaconsumptionofwickets. (CrossesDL.Ofeasel)Notethesharpdeclinefromnormalregularity.Down,down,down.
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(FINCHturnsL.,reachesintowings.MANhandshimtoyrocket.HecrossesR.totable,putsrocketdown.)
(FINCH)
Andthisiswhat'sgoingtohappentooursaleswhenwefinallygetgoing,aswewill.
(Releasestoyrocket,shootingitintotheair.)Up,up,up!
(CrossesD.L.ofeasel,turnssaleschartonsidesothatsaleslinecurvesupward)Andthereyouare.
(Heflipslastcardover.withtheaidoftheFIRSTOFFICEBOY,revealinganenlargedphotoofFINCH'sfacewiththewords"TheEnd"underneath.HethenshakeshandswiththeFIRSTOFFICEBOY,thencrossesU.LtoL.ofBIGGLEY.SECONDOFFICEBOYentersL.,crossestoeaselandBOTHMENexitwitheaselL.)
BIGGLEY
Finch,Ithinkyou'vedoneit.Verygood.
BUD(Rappingontable)
CouldIaskaquestion,J.B.?
(FINCHcrossesabovetabletoDR.ofBUD.)
BIGGLEYYes.
BUDWhatishisidea?
BIGGLEYYouheard.Atelevisionshowthatwillgiveuspenetrationandpeakreaction.Soundsgreat,Finch.Great!Doesn'tit,men?
MEN
Hmmmmm.
BUDButwhat'stheideafortheshow?
BIGGLEY
Idon'tseewhyyouhavetobesodamnednegative.Theonlythingsyouevercomeupwitharelousyideasliketreasurehunts.
(BUDturnstolookatFINCH.FINCHlooksathim.)Allright,Finch,whatistheideafortheshow?
FINCH
Idon'tthinkI'mgoingtotellittoyou.
(CrossesU.toR.ofBIGGLEY.)
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BIGGLEYWhatdoYoumean?
FINCH
Youknow,j.B.,i'vealwaysthoughtofyouasamanofbreadthandvisionopentonewideas.Butnowidon'tknow.I'mthrown
BIGGLEYBywhat?
FINCHThewayyoujustspoketoBudabouthit,;ideaforatreasurehunt.Youdismissedit.Thefactis,therearetreasurehuntsandtreasurehunts.WhenBudbroughtittome,Ithoughtitwasarottenidea,too.
(CrossesD.R.)
BIGGLEYIshouldhopeso.
FINCH
(CrossesL.toC.oftable)
ButthenIrememberedsomething.J.B.,youknowanideainitselfisnothing.It'sthedevelopmentthatcounts.LeonardodaVincidrewsomesketchesforaflyingmachine,butittookAmericanknow‐howtodevelopthemintotheBoeing707.
(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY)AmannamedGatlingonceinventedalittlemachinegun,butittookamightybraintotakethissimplelittlemachinegunanddevelopitintoagreatprogramlike
(Slamstable.)"TheUntouchables."WhenIthoughtofthat,Bud'ssillylittleideabecameachallengetome,andIsaid,"I'mgoingtotakethisideaofBudFrump'sanddefrumpit.Firstorall,mytreasureisnotabond,andit'snotmoney.It'sstock.
MENStock!
FINCHFiftythousandsharesofstock.
BIGGLEYStock?Inourcompany?
FINCH
Thesedayspeoplelikestockbetterthanmoney.
BRATT
Howcanweissuefiftythousandextrasharesofstock? (MENreact.)
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FINCH(TurnstoBRATT)
That'snoproblem.It'sasimplematteroftakingtheconvertibledebenturesfromthesinkingfund,issuingstockoptionswhichareexchangeableforrights,whichwethenconvertintononvotingcommonandreplacewithwarrants.
BRATTTellmethatagain.
FINCHIcan't.
JENKINSItcan'tbedone,J.B.
BIGGLEY
Itcan'tbedone.
FINCHButifitcould,wouldn'titcreateatremendousexcitement?
BIGGLEYButitcan'tbedone.
FINCHButifitcould.
BIGGLEYButitcan't.
FINCH
Butifitcould,J.B.,justforamomentsayitcouldbedone,what'syouranswer?
BIGGLEYIforgotthequestion.
BRATTYoucan'tgiveawaystock!
(MENreact.)FINCH
Wegiveawaystockdividends,don'twe?Please,letmegoonwithmypresentation.
(FINCHcrossesD.L.,callsoffstage.)We'reready.
BIGGLEYFinch,Ihategive‐awayshows.
FINCH
SodoI,J.B.Butthepublicalwayslovesthem.Itellyou,anybodywhocolliesupwithanewunrigged,unfixedwaytogiveawaysomethingfornothingisgoingtocleanup'AndIhavethatnewtwist.Gentlemen,theWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.
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(HEDYentersfromL.,crossestotablebelowFINCHSheisdressedinapiratecostumewhichisvery,veryabbreviated.Shehasapatchoveroneeye,andlooksgreat.MENreact.)
BIGGLEY
(Staring,rises)Whatisthis?
FINCH
(L.ofHEDY)This,J.B.,isthesecretingredient.Thethingthatwilltakethecountrybystorm.I'mcombininggreedandsex.Can'tmiss.Goahead,Hedy.
HEDY
(Verymuchlikeacigarettegirl)Hello,there.I'mtheWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.EachweekI'mgoingtobringyouacluetowheretheWorldWidetreasurehasbeenstashed.
FINCHBuried.
HEDYOh,yeah.Buried.Thiseyepatchgetsmemixedup.
(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY.)Isn'tthisacuteoutfit?Iloveit.
BIGGLEY
(Sits)Verynice,MissLaRue,verynice.
FINCH(CrossesU.toL.ofBRATT)Ofcourse,MissLaRueisjusthelpingmedemonstratetheidea.Shewon'tbeourregularTreasureGirl.
HEDY(Actingitup)
Naturally.
(Deepsigh.)FINCH
(CrossesD.toL.ofDAVIS)
Whenweactuallygoontheairweneedabignamepersonality.
HEDYOfCourse.
(Anothersigh.)
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(HEDY)Well,I'mleavingthefirm,anyway.
(LeansoverBIGGLEY.)Ofcourse,Iwouldn'tif...
FINCH (D.L.Leapsin)Offhand,I'dsaythiswouldbegreatforsomeonelikeElizabethTaylor.
BUD
Whydon'tyougetQueenElizabeth?
FINCH (LeansacrosstabletoBUD)ThisisanAmericanprogram.Now,J.B.,abeautifulTreasureGirl,plusfiftythousandsharesofstockwill...
BRATT(Rises)
J.B.,let'stellthismaniacoffandgetonwithourbusiness.
(MENreact.)
BIGGLEY (Rises)Justamoment.I'llhandlethis.GentlemenandMissLaRue,willyoupleaseleavemealonewithMr.Finch.
BRATTOkay.Takecareofhim.
(MENandHEDYgetupandstartoffL.)Thisiscrazy!WhatabouttheS.E.C.?
TACKABERRY
(Exiting)WhatabouttheF.C.C.?
JENKINSWhataboutthestockholders?
TOYNBEEWhatabouttheboardofdirectors?
JENKINSWhatabouttheFederalstatutes.?
DAVISWhatabouttheFederalTradeCommission?
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123 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BRATTWhatabouttheSenateInvestigatingCommittee?
(TheyexitL.)FINCH
(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY)They'reallbeingpetty.
BIGGLEYFinch...you'reabrilliantyoungchap,butI'mafraidyou'veletusdown.
(Sits.)
FINCH(Sits)
How,J.B.?
BIGGLEYYou'vemissedtheboat.Youhaven'tthoughtthisoutproperly.
FINCHIdon'tunderstand,J.B.
BIGGLEYTellme,whydoesthisTreasureGirlhavetobeabignamepersonality?
(FINCHturnsfrontandsmiles.)FINCH
Sir?
BIGGLEYHowwoulditbeifshewere...well...someonemore
FINCHMore
BIGGLEYMoreidentifiedwiththecompany.Areal,uh...
FINCHArealWorldWideWicketgirl.?
BIGGLEYYes.Maybe...
(Asifgettingabrilliantidea.)Say,whynotMissLaRueherself?
FINCH(Rises)
Brilliant,J.B.,brilliant!Insteadofanartificialactress,wehaveplain,simpleHedyLaRue,thegirlnextdoor.ThatwasagreatthoughtsJ.B.
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BIGGLEYItwasn'tbad,wasit?
FINCHThenit'sallsettled.
(CrossesD.)BIGGLEY
Justamoment.Finchwhereareyougoingtohidethetreasure?
FINCH (CrossesU.L.toBIGGLEY)J.B.,thisshowiscompletelyunrigged.NoteventheTreasureGirlisgoingtoknowwherethetreasureishidden.
BIGGLEYWell,I'dliketoknow.
FINCH
Okay.It'stobeasecretbetweenyouandme.I'llgiveyouthefirstcluethattheTreasureGirlisgoingtogiveovertheair."Westofthesun,westofthemoon,whereisthetreasure?Blowmeatune."
BIGGLEYWhatthehellisthat?
FINCH
Toughclue,isn'tit?Butifyouwillnote,thefirstlettersofeachlineareW.W.W.B.WorldWideWicketBuildings.
BIGGLEY(Rises)
You'regoingtouseourbuildings?
FINCHI'mgoingtohidefivethousandsharesofstockineachofthetenWorldWideWicketBuildingsthroughoutthecountry.We'llgettremendouspublicity.
BIGGLEYButyou'llhavemobsofpeoplerunningalloverthebuildings,lookingforthetrea5
FINCHJ.B.,ifamanasbrilliantandaseducatedasyou.couldn'tguessfromtheclueIgaveyou,doyouthinktheaverageviewerisgoingtoguess?
BIGGLEYGoodpoint.
FINCH(CallsoffL.)
Youcancomein,gentlemen.
(CrossesabovetabletoDR.)
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(BRATTandMENwalkonandgothetheirplaces,standbehindthechairs.)
BIGGLEY
GetlemenI’mthinithgotgoingaheadwiththeWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.ofcourseIwantyourapproval.
BRATT
Well.J.B..Ithinkit'sanabsolutely.crazymotionand...
BIGGLEYIlikeit.
BRATTIlikeit'
MEN(Inunison)
Welikeit!#28–T.V.Announcement(Orchestra)
Scene6
(TELEVISIONSHOW.OnriseweseeatypicaltelevisionLogodisplaywhichisaglobeoftheworldwiththewords`WorldWideWickets"writtenarounditscircumference.TheANNOUNCER'sVOICEisheardavertheusualintroductionmusic.)
TVANNOUNCER
(Overspeaker)
TheWorldWideWicketCompany,whosesloganforoverorehundredyearshasbeen"WorldWideWickets…”
(Asmallpanelslipsdawnfrombehindlogowiththewords"ForAWiderWorldWrittenonit.)
“…ForAWiderWorld,"presents,inlivingcolor,intheinterofbettertelevisionProgramming,theWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.
(MALEDANCERSinpiratecostumeenterfromL.andR.AcutoutofapirateshipisU.S.BelowthatisahugeopentreasurechestwithFIVEGIRLDANCERShiddenunderagoldcloth.TVANNOUNCERcontinuesaslightscomeup.)
Now,fortheopeningnumber.wepresentanauthentictraditionalfolkdanceoftheboldpiratefolkoftheSpanishMain.dancedforyourpleasurebythejollyWicketsandWickettes
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126 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#28–TheYoHoHo (Orchestra)
(AfterPIRATENUMBER,DANCERSclearU.S.,holdfinalpositionsofdanceasBIGGLEY,FINCH,BRATTandTACKABERRYcomeonstagewiththeR.stageTVunit.Theyhavebeenwatchingthedanceonatelevisionset.)
BIGGLEY
(Seated)Whatthehellwasthat?
FINCH
(StandingD.R.ofBIGGLEY)
Ifriedforsomeproductionvalue.Sssshhh.Giveitachance.Hedy'scomingonnow.
TVANNOUNCERNowthemomentyou'veallbeenwaitingfor‐theWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.#30–Hedy’sFanfare (Orchestra)
(HEDYenters[MUSICFANFARE]fromL.,followedbyTWOWICKETTEGIRLSwhostandoneithersidebehindher.HEDYblowskissestoaudience.)
BRATT
(StandingU.L.ofBIGGLEY)
It'sbeginningtogetme.I'mbeginningtowonderwherethetreasureis,myself.
TACKABERRY (U.L.ofFINCH)Yeah,whereisit,Ponty?
FINCH
No,no.NobodyinthewholeworldknowsbutJ.B.andmyself.Right,J.B.?
BIGGLEYRight,Ponty.Ssshhhhh.
HEDY
Hello,there.Well,I'mabouttogiveyouthefirstclueintheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.Intendifferentplacesinthisgreatcountrythereareburiedfivethousandsharesofstock,makingatotaloffiftythousandsharesinall.Oooooh!Andnowforthefirstclue.
(MUSICfanfare.)TWOWICKETTEGIRLS
(Reciting)Thefirstclue.
(MUSICFANFARE)
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#30a–TheFirstClue (Orchestra)
HEDYThefirstclueis“Westofthesun…” (ATVANNOUNCERinterrupts.)
TVANNOUNCEROnemoment,TreasureGirl.
(HEDYlooksup.MANentersL.carryingabigBible.HecrossesR.aboveHEDY,D.toherL.)ThisgentlemaniscarryingaBible.Willyouplaceyourrighthandonit.MissLaRue,doyouswearthattherehasbeennofixingorrigginginconnectionwiththisshow? (HEDYlooksstartled.)Andthattheclueyouareabouttogiveisthetruth,thewholetruth,freefromanytrickery,chicaneryordishonesty? (HEDYisveryhesitant.)
HEDYIsthisarealBible?
TVANNOUNCER
Why,ofcourse,MissLaRue
BIGGLEYWhat'sthematterwithher?
BRATTShelookssurprised.
FINCH
SheisHedydidn'tknowaboutthis.IwantedthispartoftheshowtotobecompletelySpontaneousandunrehearsed.
BIGGLEY
Thatcallbevery,dangerous.
FINCHIthinkit'sveryeffective.
TVANNOUNCER
Doyousweartothat,MissLaRue?
HEDY (Hesitantly,handonBible)Ido.
(RemovedHand)
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TVANNOUNCER
Andsecondly,MissLaRue,doyouswearthatyouyourselfdonotknowwherethetreasureisactuallyhidden?Doyousweartothat,MissLaRue?MissLaRue?
BIGGLEYYousee?We'regoingtogetintotrouble.
FINCHWhy?YouandIaretheonlyoneswhoknowwherethetreasureishidden.Shedoesn'tknow.
(ALLMENlookatBIGGLEY.)Doesshe?
BIGGLEY
(LooksatMEN,thenbackatTVset)Let'swatchtheprogram.
TVANNOUNCER
MissLaRue,doyouswearthatyoudonotactuallyknowwherethetreasureishidden?
HEDYLook,Idonotwishtotakeabumrap.Iwillnotswearfalsewitnesstoperjury.Idoknowwherethetreasureis.
(Takesonestepforward,leaningforward.)
Ifoundoutlastnight.ThereistreasurehiddeninalltheWorldWideWicketBuildingsrightnow.
(MENstageitreactinhorror.BIGGLEYcollapsesinchair.)
TWOWICKETTEGIRLS
(Reciteagain)Thefirstclue...
(HEDYgoesL.,followedbyGIRLSandMAN.)#30b–Disaster(Orchestra)
Scene7
(THEWRECKEDOUTEROFFICE.IntheblackweheartheBOOKVOICE.)
BOOKVOICEHowtoHandleaDisaster.
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(Theouterofficeisrevealedwiththelampstwistedandturned,thedeskstoppled,typewritersonthefloor,addingmachinetapestrewnallover,chairsturnedover.Theplaceisincompletewreckage.InfrozentableauwefindMissJONES,TACKABERRYTOYNBEE,BUD,JENKINS,DAVISandaCOMPANYPOLICEMANviewingthewreckage.BOOKVOICEcontinues.)
Ineverybusinessman'scareer,therearetimeswhenthingsgoabitwrong.Wehavemanysuggestionsforcopingwiththeselittleproblems.However,shouldyoubethecauseofadisasterthat'sreallydisastrous,wesuggestthatyourbestbetistoreviewthefirstchapterofthisbook,HowToApplyForajob.
(MISSJONESandEXECUTIVESbreaktableauandstartspeaking.)
TACKABERRY(L.ofMISSJONES)
HaveyouguysfoundFinchyet?
MISSJONES
(ToTACKABERRY)Heseemstohavedisappeared.
TOYNBEE(L.ofTACKABERRY)
Can'tfindhim.
(HeexitsL.ROSEMARYentersfromL.duringthisandwatches.)
JENKINSNo,butwe'relookingforhim.
(ExitsL.)
DAVISHaven'tseenhim.
(ExitsL.) (BRATTentersU.R.fromexecutivesuite.,crossesD.R.ofTACKABERRY)
BRATT
Where'sFinch?
TACKABERRYIdon'tknow,Bratt.
BRATT
Well,J.B.wantshimasfastasyoucanfindhim.He'shoppingmad.
(WOMPERcomesrunningonfromL.withCOMPANYPOLICEMANchasinghim.)
COMPANYPOLICEMAN
(L.OfWOMPER)Comebackhere,you.
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BRATT
(TakesPOLICEMAN’SarmfromaroundWOMPER)Whatareyoudoing?
COMPANYPOLICEMANIt'sanothertreasurehunter.Thislittlenuttriedtosneakpastmethreetimes.
BRATTThislittlenutisthechairmanoftheboard.
(WOMPERgivesBRATTalook.)It'sMr.Womper.
COMPANYPOLICEMAN(StartsoffL.)
Chairmanoftheboard.Theyalllookaliketome.
(HeexitsL.)
BRATTI'mverysorrythishappened,Mr.Womper.
(WOMPERjustlooksathim.) Ifyou'llcomewithme,Mr.BIGGLEYisinhisoffice.Luckilytheydidn'twreckthat.
(WOMPERstartsoffLLR.intoexecutivesuite,followedbyBRATTandTACKABERRY.BRATTaddressesMissJones.)
KeeplookingforFinch.
(Theyexitintoexecutivesuite.)
MISSJONES(SeeingROSEMARYL.ofC.)
Oh,Rosemary,haveyouseenPonty?
ROSEMARYNo,MissJones,andI'msoworriedabouthim.
MISSJONESSoamI.Hewasaniceboy.
(StartsoffIt)ROSEMARY
Was?Whatwilltheydotohim?
MISSJONESIdon'tknow.Somebody'sheadhastoroll.
(Shemakesbowlinggesture,thenexitsU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)
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131 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#31–IBelieveInYou (Rosemary)
ROSEMARY
(Leftalone,crossesD.R)
Pontywillthinkofsomething,won'tPonty.
YOUHAVETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFASEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;YETTHERE'STHATUPTURNEDCHIN,ANDTHEGRINOFIMPETUOUSYOUTH.OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.
(FINCHentersfromL.ROSEMARYrushesintohisarms.)
ROSEMARY
Pority,Ponty!
(Theyembrace.)FINCH
I'msogladyou'rehere.
ROSEMARYWherehaveyoubeen?
FINCHOh,walkingthestreets,thinking,thinking.
ROSEMARY(Touchinghisforehead)
You'vegotabruiseonyourhead.
FINCHIt'snothing.Igotitlastnight.Theythrewmeoutofasaloon.
ROSEMARY(Horrified)
Whydidtheydothat?
FINCHBecauseIdidn'tbuyanything.
ROSEMARYThebrutes.Whydon'tyougohome?
FINCHNo,I'vegottogoinandfacethemusic.
(BUDstickshisheadoutofexecutivesuite,seesFINCH,pointsatBUD)
BUDAhhah!
(Heexitsintoexecutivesuite.)
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132 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
(CrossesR.belowROSEMARY,looksatthewreckedoffice)Well,thisisit.
ROSEMARYThechairmanoftheboardisinthere.
FINCH
Ifiguredthat.
ROSEMARYWhatareyougoingtodo?
FINCH
(CrossesL.belowher.)Do?Whatdoesamandowhentheworldhascollapsedaroundhisears?Nothing.I'lljusttakewhat'scomingtome.
ROSEMARYPonty,Iknowwiththatmindofyours...
FINCH
No,Rosemary,I'mputtingthatmindofmineaway.I'mjustgoingtomakeacleanbreastofeverythingandgobacktowhatIwasbeforeIcamehere.
ROSEMARYWhatwereyou?
FINCHIwasanexteriordecorator.
(Catcheshimself.)IhereIgoagain.Ican'teventellyouthetruth.Iwasawindowwasher.
ROSEMARYSowhat?Idon'tcarewhatyoudo,Ponty,I'msticking.Iwalkedoutonyouonce.
FINCHYoudid?
ROSEMARYWell,I'mnotleavingyouagain.
FINCH
Rosemary,youcan'tbethewifeofawindowwasher.That'snolifeforawomansiftingathomewhileI'mupthere,neverknowingifI'velandedsafely.
ROSEMARYNowlistentome,Finch...
(BUDentersfromexecutivesuitewithFOURMEN.Theyremainonsteps.BUDcrossesD.R.toC.)
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133 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUDFinch,you'rewantednJ.B.'soffice.
FINCHIoughtI'dwashupfirst.
BUDTheywantyounow.
FINCH
(CrossesR.)Gee,can'tIevensaygood‐byetoRosemary?
BUDGoahead.
FINCH
(TurnsL.toROSEMARY)Rosemazygood‐bye.
BUD(Cuttingin)
Comealong.
FINCH
But,I...
(Turns,crossesU.ontothesteps,turnsbackandseeshe'ssurroundedbytheFOURMEN,shrugsshoulders.)
Fmsorry,Rosemary.Iwishnoneofthishadeverhappened.
(ExitsU.R.followedbytheFOURMEN.)
ROSEMARY(Startstorunafterhim)
Ponty!
(BUDstandsinherway.Shestops.BUDexitsU.R.)
#32–Doom (Orchestra)
Scene8
(THEELEVATORLANDING.OnriseweseeTHREEGIRLSoneachsideofthestageholdinghandkerchiefs,sadlywatchingasBUDentersR.,followedbyFINCHsurroundedbytheFOURMEN.TheyStopL.ofC.)
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134 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BUD
(CrossesR.betweentwomentoFINCH)
Look,Pontywhythehellshouldyoufacethosemonsters?Goahead,runaway.Escape.I'llpretendIdidn'tseeyou.Forauldlangsyne.
FINCH
No,I'mgoingtofacethemandgetitoverwith.Ishouldthinkyou'dbehappyiftheykilledme.
(BUDcrossesL.tohisformerposition.)
BUDIfIcouldonlybesure.
(TheymarchoffL.GIRLSexitL.andR.)
Scene9
(BIGGLEY'SOFFICE.WOMPERispacingbackandforth.MissJONESisseated(U.L.onthesofa.ToherrightisTACKABERRY.ANOTHERGROUPofEXECUTIVESstandingStageR.BIGGLEYisstandingL.ofhisdesk.BRATTentersL.,followedbyPETERSONandJENKINS.)
BRATT
(CrossestoL.ofBIGGLEY)
Allofourkeymenarehere,J.B.
(ToPETERSONandJENKINSathisL.)Gentlemen,youknowMr.WallyWomper,thechairmanoftheboard.
(TheynodtoWOMPER,whojustlooksatthem.PETERSONcrossesU.toMISSJONES.)
BIGGLEY
(CrossesR.toWOMPER)
Now,Wally,letmetellyoubeforewegoanyfurtherthatIrealizethatI'mthepresidentofthiscompany,themanwhoisresponsibleforeverythingthatgoesonhere.SoI'dliketostaterightnowthatanythingthathappenedisnotmyfault.There'sonebrightsidetothiswholething,Wally.You'llbehappytoknowthatwe'vegotsomebodytopiniton.
(TurnstoBRATT)HaveyoufoundFinchyet?
BRATTThey'rebringinghimin.
BIGGLEY
Good.Wally,you'llsoonseewheretheresponsibilityforthewholethinglies.Whenhegetshere,I'lldoallthetalking.ThisisaveryslickyoungsterWally
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135 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(BUDentersdraggingFINCHfollowedbytheFOUREXECUTIVESwhocrossU.L.alongsideMissJONES.)
BUD
(ToBIGGLEY)He'shere,sir.
(CrossesR.belowdesktoMENstageR.JENKINScrossesabovedeskandjoinshim.)
FINCH
(L.ofC.)Mr.Biggley,I'd...
BIGGLEY
(Cuttinginfast)Nevermind,I'lldothetalking.Oh,bytheway,you'venevermetMr.Womper.Thisisthechairmanoftheboard.
FINCHHowdoyoudo,Mr.Womper?
(StartsR.)Mr.Womper,I'dliketo
BIGGLEY
(Stoppinghim)Nospeeches,Finch.It'sallsettled.Iwantyoutosignasimplelittleletterofresignation,inwhichyouacceptalltheblameforwhathappened.
(BRATTcrossesD.toL.ofFINCH,handshimpenandletterofresignation.)
FINCHOkay,Mr.Biggley,I'llbegladto.
(TakespenandletterfromBRATT)
BIGGLEYWhat'sthat?
(CrossesL.toFINCH.)FINCH
I'lldowhatyousaid.
(ALLlookateachother.)
BIGGLEYYouSurethisisn'toneofyourtricks?
FINCH
No,Mr.Biggley,I'mthroughwithallthat.Yousee,thisfirmhasbeenprettygoodtome.NowI'mgoingtoresign,taketheblameandgobacktowhatIdidbeforeIcamehere.
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136 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEY(Simplecuriosity)
Whatdidyoudo,Finch?
FINCH
(Afterapause)
Iwasawindowwasher.
WOMPERNokiddin'.Istartedasawindowwashermyself.
(ThisisthefirsttimeWOMPERhasspoken.Itcomesfromleftfield.TheyallturnandlookatWOMPER.FINCHturnsfrontandsmiles,thenturnsgracefullytoBRATTandhandsbackpenandletterofresignation.BRATTlooksstunned.Heputsawayhispen,letterofresignationandcrossesU.L.toitofMISSJONES.)
BIGGLEY
(TurnsR.)Youdid?
WOMPER
(CrossesL.)WhatthehelldidyouthinkIwas‐arailsplitter?
(BIGGLEYcrossesU.LtoL.ofBRATT.WOMPERdisgustedlyreferstoBIGGLEY.)Collegeman.
(ToFINCH.)Soyouwereawindowwasher.
(MENgatheraroundBUDstageR.MENgatheraroundBIGGLEYstageL.)
FINCHYes,Mr.Womper.
WOMPERCallmeWally.
FINCHOkay,Wally.
WOMPERTellme,Finch...
FINCHCallmePonty.
WOMPER
Okay,Ponty.Boy,it'sbeenalongtimesinceIhadsomeonearoundhereIHowdidyouhappentogointothisbusiness?
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137 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHWell,sir,Ihadabook
WOMPERYeah?Me,too.
FINCHItwasabookonhowtosucceedinbusiness.
WOMPER
Mybookwasmoreuseful.Ibookedbetsforalltheotherwindowwashers.Icleanedupabundle.
(CrossesR.,looksatMENstageR.)
Ishould'vestoodinthatbusinessEightbuildingswrecked,ourstockisdownfivepoints.We'rethelaughingstockoftheindustry.
FINCHIknow,Wally.It'sghastly.
WOMPER
Ponty,howdidthishappen?Icouldunderstandacollegemanpullingabonerlikethis,butnotnowindowwasher.Nowthisideaofyours...
FINCHHoldit,Wally.
(CrossesR.toWOMPER.)
Ifthere'sonethingIwon'tdo,it'stakecreditforanotherman'sidea.Especiallywhenhe'stheboss'snephew.
(WOMPERlooksup.FINCHcrossesL.EVERYBODYmovesL.awayfromBUD,leavinghimalonestageR.)
WOMPER
(CrossesR.toC.,looksatBUD,turnstoBIGGLEY)Younevertoldmeyouhiredyournephew.
BIGGLEYNephew?Oh,nephew.
(CrossesD.R.toWOMPER.)
He'snotreallymynephew‐he'smyWife'snephew.Thismayseemlikenepotism,Wally,butit'snot.I'venevershownhimanyfavoritism.Infact,Ihatehim.
WOMPERButyoulovehisideas.
BIGGLEY
No!WhenhefirsttoldmetheideaIthoughtitwasalousyidea.
(CrossesL.andpointsatFINCH.)
ThenwhenFinchbroughtittomeIstillsaiditwasalousyidea.AndItoldFinchitwasalousyidea.
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138 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WOMPER(CrossesL.twoSteps)
Whydidyoubuyit?
BIGGLEYItseemedlikeagoodidea.
WOMPER
(Turnsaway,crossesR.twosteps)Treasurehunts...treasuregirls...
BIGGLEY(Suddenlydefensive)
Well,dresseditallup.Hecan'tdenythattheideafortheTreasureGirlwashis.
(CrossesU.L.intoGROUPOFMEN.)
MENThat'sright,J.B.Youtell'em,J.B.That'stheway,J.B.
(etc.,etc.)
(WOMPERlooksatFINCH.)
FINCH(CrossesR.toWOMPER,)
Well,thatwasmyidea.
WOMPERAndnotabadone,butwhothehellpickedthatbubble‐headedtomato?
(FINCHcrossesD.R.belowWOMPER.NowEVERYONEmovesawayR.andL.fromBIGGLEY,leavinghimaloneL.WOMPERlooksatBIGGLEY.)
WOMPER
(Nodding,looksU.L.)Uhhuh.
BIGGLEY
(CrossesD.toWomper)Wally,Idon'twantyoutogetanywrongideas.Thisisaverynicegirl.Yououghttotalktoher.
WOMPERIintendto.
(CrossesR.,looksatmenR.)Well,IthinkI'vegotthewholepicture.Nowthequestioniswhattodoandwhotodoitto.
(SitsinBIGGLEY'SchairC.)
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139 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH(CrossesL.toWOMPER)
Nowwaitaminute,Wally.Beforeyoumakeanyhastydecision…
(BIGGLEYCrossesL.OfC.)I'dliketosayafewwords.
(ALLMENmovedown.)
WOMPERAboutwhat?
FINCHHumanity.
(WOMPERswivelschairtofaceU.S.)#33–TheBrotherhoodofMan (Finch,Womper,Biggley,MissJones,Men)
(FINCH)
Yousee,Wally,eventhoughwe'reallpartofthecoldcorporatesetup...deepdownunderourskinsthereisfleshandblood.We'reallbrothers.
BIGGLEY
(D.L.,sighs)Someofusareuncles.
FINCH(RofC.)NOW,YOUMAYJOINTHEELKS,MYFRIEND,ANDIMAYJOINTHESHRINERS.ANDOTHERMENMAYCARRYCARDSASMEMBERSOFTHEDINERS.STILLOTHERSWEARAGOLDENKEY,ORSMALLGREEKLETTERPIN.BUTIHAVELEARNEDTHERE'SONEGREATCLUBTHATALLOFUSAREIN.
(Jumpsondesk.)
THEREISABROTHERHOODOFMAN,ABENEVOLENTBROTHERHOODOFMAN;ANOBLETIETHATBINDSALLHUMANHEARTSANDMINDSINTOONEBROTHERHOODOFMAN.
(MENgatherarounddesk,exceptforBUDandBIGGLEY.)
YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE.KEEPA‐GIVINGEACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;
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140 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(ALLplacehandsoverhearts.)
(FINCH)
THEGREAT,BIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?(MENcrossawayL.andR.)(FINCHSpeaking)So,Wally,Iwantyoutorememberthat,beforeyouconsiderfiringMr.Biggley.
(BRATTcrossesD.toBIGGLEYwithletterofresignationandpen.)
BIGGLEYWho'sconsideringthat?
(PushesBRATTaway)
FINCH (Stillondesk)Yousee,Wally,Iknowwhat'sonyourmind.You'dliketoclearoutthewholecrowdfromtoptobottom.
(JUMPSitoffdesk.)
That'stheobviousmove.Butstopandthink...
(ToDAVIS,D.R.)(Sings)
ONEMANMAYSEEMINCOMPETENT,(ToTOYNBEE,L.ofDAVIS.)
ANOTHERNOTMAKESENSE,(ToBUD,L.ofTOYNBEE.)
WHILEOTHERSLOOKLIKEQUITEAWASTEOFCOMPANYEXPENSE.THEYNEEDABROTHER'SLEADERSHIP,
(BelowMENstageit)
SOPLEASEDON'TDOTHEMIN;(CrossesL.toWOMPER.)
REMEMBER,MEDIOCRITYISNOTAMORTALSIN.THEY'RE
EXECUTIVESWE'RE
FINCHIN…
EXECUTIVESIN…
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141 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCHTHE...
EXECUTIVES
THE...
ALLMENBROTHERHOODOFMAN;DEDICATEDTOGIVINGALLWECAN.
FINCH
OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;
(ALLclaphands.)
ALLMENTHEGREATBIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?
(ALLclaphands.WOMPERcrossesD.,turnsandlooksatMENstageR.Theystopclapping.HeturnsandlooksatMENstageL.ALLStopclappingbutBUD,whoisleftclappingalone.BIGGLEYatBUD'SL.,grabshissliandsandstopshim.WOMPERthencrossesD.C.)
WOMPER
NOKIDDIN'!(Sings)
ISTHEREREALLYABROTHERHOOD...
BIGGLEYANDEXECUTIVES.
YES,YOU'REABROTHER;WOMPER
...OFMAN?
BIGGLEYANDEXECUTIVES
YOUAREABROTHER!WOMPER
ONTHELEVEL,ABROTHERHOODOFMAN?
ALLOHYES,OHYES.ANOBLETIETHATBINDSALLHUMANHEARTSANDMINDS
WOMPER
INTOONEBROTHERHOODOFMAN.
ALL
OH,YES,YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE;KEEPA‐GIVIN'EACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOU…
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142 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WOMPERANDMEN MISSJONES
(CrossesU.,climbsontodesk)
PROUDTOBE YOU… YOUGOTME INTHATFRATERNITY; ME… IGOT
THEGREAT,BIG YOU‐OOBROTHERHOODOFMAN? YOU‐OO.
(MENfaceU.S.andsurrounddesk.)
MISSJONES
OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER.YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.
(WOMPERandFINCHdolittletaproutine.)
ALL(Softly)
OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER!YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,
(ALLspreadoutonstageandclaphands.DANCERSdocrossover.)
FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER.YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.
(BIGGLEYclimbsondeskR.ofMissJones.)
YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE.KEEPA‐GIVINGEACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;THEGREATBIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN.
(ALLshakehands.)
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143 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
#34–MoreDoom (Orchestra)
Scene9A
(TRAVELER.SOUNDofDRUMS.BUDentersL,crossesslowly,surroundedbytheFOURMENwhoearlieraccompaniedFINCH.BUDstopsR.ofC.,turnsandaddressesmen.)
BUD
(CrossesL.toFIRSTMAN)Givemeabreak. (CrossesU.L.toSECONDMAN)Wewerealwaysthebestoffriends,Max.
(WaveshandinfrontofSECONDMANwhodoesnotreact.CrossesU.R.toTHIRDMAN.)Rememberthefun,thedates,Ernest?
(Laughs.CrossesD.R.tofourthman.)YouIneverliked. (AddressesALL)Look,Icouldmakeit.vorthyourwhile.
(Reachesintopockets,pullsthemoutempty)
No,Ican't!Itdoesn'tpaytobedecent.
(Fallstofloor.)Well,I'mnotgoingtogo.
(MENpickhimup,startoffR.)No,no,youcan'tmakeme!I'mtooyoungtogo.I'mjustaboy.I’llgetsick!
Scene10
(THEOUTEROFFICE.OnriseOFFICEPERSONNELaremillingaround,gossiping.SMITTYenters.R.,CrossestoC...)
MISSKRUMHOLTZ
(L.ofC.)Hey,Smitty,anynewsyet
SMITTYIhaven'theardathingyet
(JENKINSentersL.)Oh,Mr.Jenkinshaveyouheardanythingyet?
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JENKINS
(AsheheadsforexecutivesuiteU.R.)Don'tknowathingyet.
MISSKRUMHOLTZLookslikeabigshakeup.
(JENKINSisstoppedonstairsU.R.byBRATTenteringfromexecutivesuite,followedbyTACKABERRY.)
BRATT
Boysandgirls,mayIhaveaword.
(Theyallturntolisten.)
Asyouknow,therehavebeenafewchangesmadeatWorldWideWickets.IamspeakingtoyounowinmynewcapacityasvicepresidentinchargeofEmployeeMoraleandPsychologicalAdjustment.Mr.TackaberryhereisnowinchargeofPersonnel.
(TACKABERRYnods,crossesD.steps,shakeshandswithJENKINS.)
NowIwouldlikeyoutohearafewwordsfromourhard‐driving,hard‐workingpresident.
(BIGGLEYentersL.R.,followedbyMISSJONES.) J.B.Biggley.
(OFFICESTAFFapplauds.MISSJONEScrossesD.tofootoffirstrowofD.S.desks.)
BIGGLEY
(CrossesD.R.ofC.)IcantrulystatethatWorldWideWicketsisnowstrongerthanever.AndIfeelalotofthecreditshouldgotoacertainbrightandveryloyalyoungman.Comeouthere,Finch.
(FINCHentersJR.OFFICESTAFFapplauds.BIGGLEYcrossesD.R.)Asyouknow,thisyoungster'srisehasbeenspectacularlyrapid.Asamatteroffact,forawhileIbegantothinkhewasaftermyjob.
(BIGGLEYlaughs.FINCHandotherOFFICEPERSONNELlaughwithhim.)But,luckilyforme,hedidn'twantit.
(Laughsagain.)
FINCH(Laughing)
No,J.B.,yourjobismuchtootoughforme.
(CrossesL.belowBIGGLEY.)ButIwouldliketosay,thatifanycreditisdue,itshouldgotoagreatmar'andagreathumanitarian,thechairmanoftheboard,Mr.WallyWomper.
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145 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
BIGGLEYHearhear.
FINCH
Incidentally;folks,MrWomperhashischarmingwifewithhimtodayLet'sgetthembothouthere.Mr.andMrs.Womper.
(WOMPERandHEDYComeoutU.R.,CrossDR.ofC.GROUPapplauds.FINCHcrossesR.tothem.)
FINCH
Mr.Wompertoldmehedidn'tfeellikemakinganyspeeches.He'sstillanewlywed.But,Ihaveasurpriseannouncementtomakeabouthim.
(CrossesL.toC.)
WaIlvWomperhasdecidedthatafterhislongyearsofservice,he'sgoingtoretireaschairmanoftheboardandheandhiswifearegoingtotakealonghoneymoontriparoundtheworld.
HEDY (R.ofWomper)Sweetie,whatasurprise!Youdidn'ttellme.
WOMPER (Stunned)Ididn'tknow. (FINCHcrossesU.L.andissurroundedbytheGIRLS.)Well,whatthehell.It'snotabadidea,atthat.
(RunstoHEDY)
I'llconcentrateonyou.BIGGLEY
(CrossesR.toWOMPER.)Walls',who'sgoingtobethenewchairmanoftheboardasifIdidn'tknow?
(BIGGLEYlooksL.ALLOFFICEPERSONNELstageL.SplitL.andR.,isolatingFINCH.)
FINCH
Justamoment.Idon'tknowifIcanaccept.I'llhavetoconsultMrs.Finch.
(SMITTYcrossesL.belowFINCHtoGIRLSD.L.)
SMITTYRosemary,yourhusbandiscallingyou.#24a–Hallelujah! (Girls)
GIRLS(Singing) HALLELUJAH!(ROSEMARYentersL.,crossestoFINCHC.)
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146 HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
FINCH
Rosemary,I'vegotabigdecisiontomake.Theywanttomakemechairmanofthehoard.Whatdoyouthink?
ROSEMARYDarling,Idon'tcareifyouworkinthemailroomoryou'rechairmanoftheboardoryou'rePresidentoftheUnitedStates,Iloveyou.
FINCH(Turnsfront)Saythatagain.
ROSEMARYIloveyou.
FINCHNo,beforethat.
BIGGLEYMissJones...
(MISSJONEScrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY.HecrossesD.)...takeawiretotheWhiteHouse:"Watchout!"#35–Finale(TheCompanyWay)(EntireCompany)
ALLWEPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;EXECUTIVEPOLICY
(ScaffoldrisesoutsidewindowsU.S.withBUDholdingcopyof"HowTo"book.)
ISBYUSOKAY.THOUGHFORTHEDEPARTEDWESHEDAMOURNFULTEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,WEWILLSTILLBEHERE!
#35–Bows (EntireCompany)
ALLOH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;THEGREAT,BIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?
#36–ExitMusic (Orchestra)
THEEND