How to Play Well with Others (A Program on Dealing with Difficult People)

How to Play Well with Othersand Get others to Play Well

with You

A Program on Dealing with Difficult People Situations

Marian Madonia, CSP

We are all inherently difficult people

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2011

You know you're a Drama Queen when:

1. You are perpetually in panic mode.

2. You are the cause of all your drama.

3. The running commentary of your life includes every little thing that happens.

4. You think you are a mind reader.

5. You expect other people to be mind readers.

6. You can't tell the difference between opinion & fact.

6. Your Facebook is littered with your drama.

7. You are pandering to fulfill your need for attention sympathy. Let someone else have center stage for a change.

8. You are chronically complaining about everything...large or small

9. You are a walking re-run.

10. You are an expert exaggerator.

11. You are a martyr.


Bad Habits

• Attacking• Whining• Nagging• Rambling• Exaggerating• One-upmanship• Interrupting

• Silent Treatment• Name-calling• Foul language• Yelling• Using text, voice

mail &/or email for things that should be done in person



• Confusing “Responsibility” with “Blame”

• Trying to “be right”

• Treating the process as though it is in a vacuum

• Treating communication and psychology as though they are “pop” science

Communication Traps

Obstacles to Communication


Assumptions/Mind Reading Behavioral Differences/Personality TypeBlaming/ Fault-Finding Beliefs/Principles/Values

Conflict Habits Birth Order

Defensiveness/Sarcasm Career

Distrust/Grudges Communication StylesEmotions Culture

Fear Education

Inconsistency Ethics/Integrity

Insensitivity Gender Differences

Labeling Learning Style

Listening Skills Left Brain/ Right Brain Orientation

Perceptions Marital StatusPrinciples Religion/Spiritual Beliefs

Stress Socio-economic Status

Time Pressures Thinking Styles

C

Relationships

Contr

ol

High

HighLow

Low

D I

S

AttentionAchievementsRecognitionAdventureExcitementSpontaneity

ControlResponsibilityMasteryLoyaltyFast Pace

PopularityClosenessAffirmationKindnessCaring

PerfectionAutonomyConsistencyPracticalInformation

TURN-ONS

C

Relationships

Contr

ol High

HighLow

Low

D I

S

Lack of enthusiasmWaitingIndecisionConvention

AmbiguityIrreverenceLazinessShowing emotions

InsensitivityDissensionInsincerityEgotism

Over-assertivenessCarelessnessArroganceFakes

TURN-OFFS

S

Relationships

Contr

ol HighDogmaticStubbornRigidUnapproachableDistantCriticalInsensitive

High

PushyIntimidatingOverbearingRestlessImpatientManipulativeAbrasiveReactiveDominating

Low

Low

D I

C

Too other-orientedIndecisiveImpracticalVulnerableHesitantSubjective

Slow to get things donePerfectionistWithdrawnDullSullenShyPassive

LIMITATIONS


Five Foundations

1. Listen

2. Ask Effective Questions

3. Strive to Understand and Build Relationships

4. Communicate with Purpose

5. Manage Conflict Effectively


1. Listen

“The Key to Listening is Curiosity.”

Dr. Ralph Nichols the Father of listening research



Why Don’t We Listen?

• We’re Preoccupied

• Fatigue

• In a hurry

• Can’t focus


Four Ways to Keep the Door open with Listening

1. Become an active listener

2. Pay attention to nonverbal aspects of message.

3. Listen to the full message before coming to a conclusion.

4. Be patient and empathetic. Not everyone can deliver a message in an interesting way.


2. Ask Effective Questions

Effective Questions Begin…Who

What

Where

How

When

Why



Closed-Ended Questions

• Do you have a plan?

• Can you tell me about the problem?

• Are you frustrated?


• What are your plans?

• How will you deal with the problem?

• What are your frustrations?

Open Ended Questions

Gentle Commands

• Tell me something about your plans

• Describe your initial reaction to that problem

• Share with me some of your frustrations


Opt Out Questions

• Can you describe your plans?

• Can you tell me a little about the problem?

• Can you say anything about your frustrations?


Qualitative Questions

• How are the plans going?

• How has the problem been?

• How’s that situation that’s been frustrating you?


Statements of Inquiry

• The plans aren’t coming along!?

• The problems not solved!?

• You are frustrated!?


Empathic Statements

• It sounds like the plans aren’t coming together for you.

• It seems difficult to solve a problem when you’re often interrupted.

• It looks like you’re feeling frustrated.



Statement/Echo questions

• The plans aren’t complete?

• The problem’s not resolved?

• Frustrated?


Facilitating Statements

• Uh-huh

• Go on

• I see

• Tell me more

3. Strive to Understand & Build Relationships


“Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

They may not like it.”

Mark Twain


Basic Human Needs

To be valued by othersTo be in controlTo have personal self-esteem


Do not use the phrase…

“I understand exactly how you feel…”


Create an Environment of Goodwill

• People have freewill

• Clueless factor

• INAY

• Be aware of natural biases and differences

• Listen with interest & curiosity

• Know your hot buttons


4. Communicate with Purpose


Politics are the rules and activities that people use to get

what they need.


Communication Styles

• Passive

• Aggressive

• Passive-Aggressive

• Assertive


Taking care of your wants and needs while respecting the wants

and needs of others.

Definition of Assertiveness

Staff - Boss - Peer - Parent


You are no good to anyone else until you have first been good to

yourself


NO!


What Style is This?

• Marian, I trust that all your fingers are working? Or that you are on the road and can not write? Just wondering and hoping that all is well.


Tone – WOW! Body Language

Territorialism

How You Say it Matters



5. Manage Conflict Effectively

• Collaborate

• Cooperate

• Accommodate

• Dominate

• Withdraw

= Win/Win

= Lose/Lose

= Lose/Win

= Win/Lose

= Neither can win

Conflict Solutions


• Defuse emotions with time

• Disagree without being disagreeable

• Say no to ideas, not people

• Substitute “this” for “your”

• Avoid questions & sentences beginning with “why” or “you”

• Seek to understand the issues

Conflict Tips


Defusing Emotions

Allow Time for Venting


•Acknowledge the facts•Behavior/situation affect on you•Consequences of your request/goal•Define your request/goal•Effectively negotiate the “how”

In the Fewest & Simplest Words Possible


Secret Weapons

• You’re right! Or, You Could be right!

• Tell me more.

• I’ve never thought about it that way... I’ll consider that. Or, I need some time to think about that.

• Give me an example

• Have you seen that new Hummer?


Don’t say it in an email if…

• You wouldn’t say it in person

• You are trying to avoid saying it in person

• Your feelings (or someone close to you) would be hurt receiving something in this way

• It involves negative discipline or feedback

• You are angry

• You are perfectly comfortable seeing your words on the front page of a newspaper


3 Tactics for presenting a complaint

• Keep your emotions out of it

• Keep the other persons objectives in mind

• Ask for what you want


Keep Your Sense of Humor!


Once in the gardens o’Rockhill,

Was a case that would give you a Chill.

When walking one’s Dog,One would let him leave Logs,When on the lawn should be

Nil.


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/marianmadonia

Facebook.com/MariansFans

MarianMadonia.com


How to Play Well with Others (A Program on Dealing with Difficult People)

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